Shh!
Look, I don't wanna take up
a ton of your time...
But I'm gonna kill myself.
I just thought that someone should know.
I don't know how this works.
I'm probably gonna jump off an
overpass in front of a semi, so...
Or a u-haul. Not a bus. I'm not gonna
be a dick and make people watch.
But it has to be big. It's
gotta be so big that it just...
Done. Kills me. Lights out.
'Cause if it just maims me and I'm
like... well, how's that good for anyone?
Then I gotta find a
nurse to smother me.
How am I gonna get across
"smothering" if I'm...
We don't need to get
caught up in the minutia.
I just thought that an adult...
you should know.
Wow. This is, uh,
a lot to take in, Nadine.
I... I wish I knew
what to say.
Well, I was actually just drafting
my own suicide note just now.
"Dear everybody.
As some of you know,
I have 32 fleeting minutes of happiness
per school day during lunch,
which has been eaten up
again and again
by the same...
Especially
badly dressed student,
and I finally thought,
you know what?
I would rather have
the dark, empty nothingness.
I really would.
It sounds... relaxing.
Have a nice life
without me, fuckers."
You are so gonna get fired
when I actually do it.
Well, not for sure,
but I can dream.
Let me start from the beginning.
Around second grade
I had a realization.
There are two types
of people in this world.
The people who radiate confidence
and naturally excel at life...
Yes! Yes!
And the people who hope all those
people die in a big explosion.
All right,
knock 'em dead, kiddo.
My brother Darian was a winner from
day one and had about a million fans.
Bye.
His biggest one... my mother.
- Bye, sweetheart.
Oh, check it out.
Okay, boss lady,
see you tonight.
Nadine, we're not
doing this again.
You promised.
Now get out of the car.
Well, that's it.
You could say my mother and I
weren't exactly peas in a pod.
Oh. No.
And the only one who could
handle either of us... was dad.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Dad had
a nearly impossible task...
Having to manage us both.
All right now,
I know kids can be mean.
But if you get a chance,
fart into their backpacks.
I wish you were small.
Then I'd at least have
one person to have lunch with.
Instead, the most attention I got
at school was from these three.
Nobody likes you. You suck
and you're gonna get aids.
Over here! Run!
My childhood had become
a raging dumpster fire,
and I couldn't take one more second of this
intolerable, unlivable nightmare of a...
Excuse me.
And then, out of the clear blue,
an angel appeared.
Can you move, please?
She was dressed like
a small, elderly gentleman.
And her breath smelled
of sweetarts.
You want to hold him?
But don't squash him.
Hi, guy.
If you want, you can be
his other mom with me.
Really?
I gonna be your other mom
and take such good care of you.
I accidentally suffocated him two
hours later in my pencil box.
But I had finally made
my first friend.
We told each other things we
never thought we'd say out loud.
Once, my grandpa's pajama flap
accidentally came open
and I saw his wiener
and got real sad.
My mom has to take medicine or she'll
get upset and buy too much at the mall.
It's true.
It turned out Krista's life
wasn't perfect either.
I'm walking away, okay? What am I, your
mother? Am I supposed to babysit...
But we got each other through.
Play with this.
We could play with
Mrs. penguin. Hee hee.
For the next few years,
and then, some extremely
fucked-up shit happened.
Oh, my god.
I knew it.
It's really just the hair.
It's not that bad.
You can just grow it out.
Are you even up there?
Hey, move.
I got to pee.
Darian, meanwhile,
just got better-looking,
and that asshole knew it.
That night I picked up
some cheeseburgers with my dad.
What do I have that's any good? Tell me.
What have I ever had?
You have a lot. You have love.
You have my love.
Very soon you're gonna
have cheeseburgers.
Oh, look.
Did I not tell you?
Cheeseburgers.
Mmm!
- Do you want a fry?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey.
That was Billy Joel.
You don't turn past Billy Joel.
Dad?
I...
- dad, are you okay?
Dad!
Dad!
I'm not gonna depress you
with the details.
So... let's just say the next
few years were complete shit.
Oh, god.
Well, except for one part.
I had Krista.
This was last Friday.
Look at me.
I was in a good mood.
- I love spoilers.
- No.
Yes, I do. That means
I don't have to watch it.
Then I can just know
and move on with my life.
I'll give you a hint.
I knew it. I knew it.
They get married, yes.
Ohh.
God, Juvie made him so hot.
Oh, god. I forgot to
tell you something.
He works at Petland now.
I should go in there
and be like,
"excuse me, where are the beta fish? Also,
could you put your penis inside me?"
Oh!
Not you.
God. What if you actually did that? What
if you lost your virginity in a Petland?
I think it'd be kind of nice.
All the little tropical fish watching.
It'd be kind of spiritual.
Oh, my god. Would you please look at
that stupid shirt my brother's wearing?
Oh, you can see his nipples.
How does he not realize
that all that does is scream,
"I have a body complex
worse than a girl."
How much does he
even work out now?
It's OCD.
You should have seen him. He had a conniption
'cause my mom won't by him creatine anymore
since it fucks up your kidneys.
I was like,
"I know, Darian. I know.
What does mom expect, you to win
people over with your personality?"
Hey, so, uh,
just a heads-up,
but yesterday when you were giving
your lecture, you were like,
"oh, blah, blah, blah and then the
north seceded from the union."
You meant to say the south seceded. You
accidentally said the exact opposite.
I didn't want to raise my hand and be all,
"excuse me, these kids are pretty confusable."
Just thought maybe
you'd want to know.
Oh.
Hey.
- Great catch.
- Yeah.
Now, I know that it was a long lecture
and you probably don't recall,
but, uh, was there any point during
it when you thought to yourself,
"gosh, I wonder what it's like
to actually have a life?"
No.
No, I was too concentrated on how
you were effing the whole thing up.
Well, I understand that. But just know
that I haven't given up hope. Not yet.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey.
I like your sweatshirt today.
It's nice.
Thank you.
Where'd you get it?
The little sweater...
The-the sweatshirt.
I... i... I don't know.
I don't... I don't remember.
Coolio.
Yep.
Yeah.
I don't know where
that came from, but...
- What's his name?
- Erwin Kim.
I don't know him. You'd freaking love him.
He's adorable.
So are you gonna
hook up with him?
No, not like that.
Like pathetic adorable.
Like I wanna carry him around
in a baby bjrn.
Oh! Oh, good, good, good, good.
I caught you. I'm so glad.
Oh! Do you like this dress?
Does it look bad? I think
it looks kind of bad.
It's kind of poofy and...
I don't know.
Do my arms look bad?
No.
Yeah, you don't sound very believable,
and you're making me nervous, Nadine.
Your upper arms
are breathtaking.
- Where are you going?
- Well, it's last minute,
but Brent called me,
the-the dentist one,
and he asked if I wanted to go
to Manzanita for the weekend,
and I thought, you know what?
I deserve to be a little
selfish once in a while, so...
Is that one of the, um, match.
Com guys? Yeah.
You should go for
as long as you want.
Very funny.
I'm gonna be back on Sunday.
Okay.
Just in time to surprise you.
I tried to call Darian, but he
must be in his AP study group.
Uh, I can...
I'll tell him.
Be good.
- Mm-hmm.
What?
Dibs.
Huh?
- Dibs, dibs, dibs.
- What are you even saying?
Mom's fucking a dentist in Manzanita for
two days, so I called dibs on the house.
Ew.
Bye.
You are so sick for
saying it like that.
Mom's boobs are jangling around a
dentist's face. See it, Darian.
See mom's titties all up
in that dentist's face.
He'll love that you have all
of your teeth in your mouth.
- Ooh, that should work.
- Yeah!
No way.
Where are you going?
Darian!
Yeah! Come on!
Darian!
You need to get all these
people out of the pool.
Excuse me. All of you
need to leave! Bye-bye!
Hey, no one's listening to you.
You said you weren't gonna drink until
after soccer. You failed, failure!
Dude, I'm not drinking. It's orange
juice, genius. How drunk is she?
I've had one drink, okay? Now you
get your friends out of the pool.
Uh, no.
Okay, then I'm
gonna call the cops.
Okay. Yep, you're cut off.
We're going upstairs.
Excuse me. I'm calling the cops.
Hey, you're retarded.
No, let's... beep, beep. Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep, beep, beep.
I'm still dialing.
Hello. Operator?
Yeah, um, can you
please help me?
My brother is hurting me
in my no no hole.
Oh!
Why am I so grotesque?
- Shh. -How do you even like me?
What's wrong with you?
Stop.
I don't even like me.
I heard my voice on a voice mail
yesterday, and it was like,
"how can anyone stand
listening to you?"
Oh, you're just drunk
right now, okay?
I hate the way I look when
I talk or when I chew gum.
Don't ever
let me chew gum, okay?
Don't let me chew gum.
And then, I had
the worst thought.
I got to spend the rest
of my life with myself.
Shh.
Let's go to your room. Don't you want to
wake up in your bed tomorrow morning?
Hmm?
Don't you want to do that?
You don't want to sleep here.
Come on, Nadine.
Hey, is there any more
aspirin anywhere?
Maybe. Try... try that
thing over there.
- Hey, no, you don't have to. -Oh, it's...
it's cool. It'll just go faster, so...
All right.
So, what happened?
Uh, somebody let Baxter in
and he pissed.
Do me another quick favor? Can
you grab me those paper towels?
Cool. And just clean up
all this dog urine.
Yeah, right.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
What the fuck?
Hey, just get out... get out of my room!
Stop looking, man! Just get out!
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't...
I swear I don't even
know what happened.
I don't even know
how it happened.
It was... I don't know. I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm just...
Just thinking.
Okay, I'll see you later.
Nadine, you can't just leave
without saying anything. Nadine.
You're my best friend and I love you.
It wasn't your fault.
You disgust me.
That's nice.
Go grow yourself a wispy
mustache, you pervert,
and stay away
from my friends, okay?
Did you just say
"friends" plural?
Your head is
too big for your body.
It makes you look ridiculous.
You'll never be able to fix it.
Mr. Bruner.
I didn't have a chance to do the
homework last night because...
Well, I don't know if you know
this, but my dad passed away.
It's just been really hard
to do anything.
Date of passing?
Sorry?
When, uh...
When did he die?
Um, 2011.
Ooh.
Mm. Yeah, I have a one-year expiration
date on freebies for the dead and dying.
Are you serious? There will
be other opportunities.
Your grandparents can't
stick around forever.
Have a seat.
Okay, class,
the young Mr. Lincoln.
Uh-huh.
Enjoy.
How was your weekend?
Mm.
It was... below average.
Yeah.
Okay.
How was your weekend?
Oh, I, uh... I golfed.
Well, like mini.
Like mini... mini golf.
Like...
I don't why I did that.
I'll pick that up.
Um, but yeah.
- Tim's fun park?
- Yeah.
I love that place.
We should go sometime.
Yeah, we should. But with
like... like a group of people.
Like... like with
like several... people.
That's right... no, it's...
Or just... just us.
Like just-just-just us?
Uh, yeah. You know.
Oh, yeah. Or a group.
Yeah.
Yeah, a group.
I think that'd be... i think that'd
be great. It'd be so much more fun.
Yeah.
Hey, I'm-I'm gonna catch up with you guys.
All right, man.
See you later.
Hey.
Hi.
Look, I-i just...
I want to say that, um,
you're my sister's friend, and what
happened the other night, you know...
Yes. Thank you.
It was so weird.
Yeah, it was just...
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It was all me.
It was...
Uh, ooh...
It's, uh...
Anyways...
Yeah.
Cool. I'll see you...
At the house or...
Around. Around.
Cool.
Hey, um...
I had a really good time
with you.
Me too.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's cool.
Continue.
Okay, that was...
That was weird.
That was, uh... that was
a weird thing to do.
Um...
Ahh.
What do you want me
to do, Nadine?
I want you to think about
how shitty this is for me.
I know.
What if I did this to you?
What if...
What if...
What if I liked your dad?
What if I gave
your dad a hand job?
Oh, Louis, wow, you look so hot
with that belt-phone of yours.
Wow. Oh, Krista, you're home early.
Okay.
Why... mmm. Why? Why?
Why do you even like him?
I don't know.
Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
Is it a girl thing. You hooked up with
him so now you're emotionally attached?
- No. -Are you unconsciously
mad at me, maybe,
and this like
some kind of revenge?
Nadine... are you unconsciously
mad at yourself
and this is some
kind of self-punishment.
'Cause if that's what it is...
will you... will you stop talking?
Because you're
driving me insane.
Please.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
He invited me
to a party on Friday,
and I want you to come with us.
Like, you're gonna go with him and
I'm gonna tag along. Yes. Will you?
I'm gonna have to see
if I'm around.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you for coming. What? No, no.
I'm having a great time.
Oh, hey. Look, maybe you guys
can fuck on the lawn later.
Please rise above
yourself, Nadine.
Please suck
several dicks, Darian.
Here's a Miller.
Oh, hey, I want you
to meet some people.
What's up? This is Krista. Hi.
Hi. I'm Shannon. You were in my
chem class last year, right?
Yes, yes. Um, nice
to officially meet you.
Oh, my god. I love your outfit.
It's so cute.
Thank you very much.
I love your laces.
Thank you.
Hey, do you wanna play,
uh, beer pong?
Yes, I would love
to play beer pong.
I really don't know
a lot of people here, but...
Like, you'll meet people.
It'll be a great icebreaker.
Okay?
Hi.
I think I'm gonna go play
beer pong with them.
Okay, come on.
Yeah, new player!
Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.
Drink, drink, drink, drink. Oh!
All right,
just don't be so weird.
God, why are you so awkward?
God, just have a good time.
Just relax.
Just relax. Have a good time.
Go talk to people.
Okay? All right, great.
Yeah, perfect. I'll do that.
That's two cups!
You made it! Oh, it's in!
That's two cups!
It's cool to sit here?
Yeah.
You-you having fun?
- Feelin' pretty good.
- I respect that.
Hey, aren't you
Darian Franklin's sister?
Yep.
Do you watch tbs ever?
Sometimes.
There's this old movie
that always playing on there.
It's got Arnold Schwarzenegger and the
little bald guy from it's always sunny?
Yeah, they played twin brothers,
only Arnold's all tall and buff.
And the other guy's like
little and funny-looking?
- Yes.
- God. Um, twins.
- Yes.
- I love that movie.
It's so good.
Love that movie.
You and your brother
kind of remind me of that.
Hi.
I need you to come pick me up.
How was it?
Uh, it was...
Probably one of
the worst nights of my life.
You wouldn't believe
the night I had. Oh!
I'm sorry.
I look like hell.
What happened?
Oh. So the dentist?
I was home tonight having
a relaxing glass of wine,
and I got an e-mail...
From his wife.
I was about to call Dr. hill
hysterical, but then I thought,
"no, Mona,
you're gonna
do this on your own.
You've done everything on your own since
2011. You're gonna do this on your own too."
God, I feel like such a loser.
You're not a loser.
- I feel like one.
- You're not a loser, mom.
You're-you're attractive.
You're good at decorating.
You're very diligent
with your eyebrows.
Even if it did work out.
"Hey, did you floss today? Gum
disease is a silent killer, Mona."
Oh.
You know what I'm
gonna to do tonight?
What?
I want to go home,
fix my hair,
put on a beautiful face of makeup
and the best dress I own...
Then take it all off
and go to sleep.
Fun.
Hey, Nick, I sent you
a friend request a while ago.
Maybe you just skipped over it
or sometimes there's a glitch and
Facebook doesn't send the e-mail,
so I just thought that I'd...
I'd, uh...
Inform you.
Oh, my god.
You are truly pathetic.
Hello?
Hey, uh, it's Nadine
from history.
Um, what are you... what
are you doing right now?
Oh, uh, hi. I'm, uh...
Hi.
I'm just, uh... hey.
Hi.
Hey, you all right?
Yeah. 'Cause I'm good.
I mean, you good?
You all right? Cool. Great.
You all right? What's up? Yeah.
Sorry. I keep talk...
That's true. I don't...
H-how are you? Are you good.
Are you all right?
Tim's theme park's open late tonight.
You want to meet there?
Whoo!
So how come they
canceled the party?
Oh, uh, by "canceled"
I more meant I left.
Ah. Gotcha.
Thanks for driving, by the way.
I don't have a license 'cause I'm like,
"why not just have people drive you?"
People make such a big deal about being
able to do things for themselves.
That was a joke. I failed the test.
Oh. Oh! Ha, ha.
Hello.
Uh, you can get that.
Uh, no, it's cool.
Um, hey, look, there's no
line at the Ferris wheel. Oh.
So, tell me something I don't
know about you, Erwin.
- I, uh... -what are
your hopes and dreams?
Take me on a tour of your psyche.
I don't know.
I guess I'm just your average
guy, I guess. Right.
But if you had to expand for the two
minutes that we're on the ride.
- Right. Um...
- What are your parents like?
- Oh, well, my... -wait, wait.
Let's see if I can guess.
I want to see if I'm psychic.
Sure. Okay.
Your mom gets on you about your grades
and practicing your instrument.
She makes a great egg sandwich after years
of owning a small restaurant downtown.
Your dad... quiet, gruff,
never really says "I love you."
Um, but with his stoic presence,
you-you... i mean, you know he cares.
I'm really hoping none of that was racist,
but now I'm thinking all of it was.
No. No, not racist at all.
No, you're good.
Yeah.
- Whoa! What are you... oh, my god!
- I'm sorry.
Was that...
Was that bad timing?
I thought it was good timing.
You're on a Ferris wheel and upset.
Just trying to comfort you. That was weird?
We should probably get off.
We should get off.
Yeah. That was...
Hey, excuse me. Can we be let off?
Erwin. Erwin.
Can we please... can we
stop the fucking ride?
Can we just stop it?
I'm sorry for... I didn't mean to
raise my voice. Oh, my god, Erwin.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Oh! What?
Okay.
You got it. That was all... that was
all you. We got it. We got it.
Holy crap.
Nobody saw that.
We're good.
We're out of here.
This has been
a really fun night.
I'm sorry if I flipped out on you on
the Ferris wheel earlier. Oh, no.
My... my timing was just bizarre.
I'm goin' through a lot of shit right now.
It's a long story.
I'm sorry you're
going through stuff.
You're a really
great guy, Erwin.
Ah.
No, I'm serious.
I look at you and
just see this really,
really...
Really old man.
- Old?
- I'm complimenting you.
I just... I see this very kind,
very gentle, very wise old man
in a convalescent home,
in a wheelchair.
Mm.
Hmm.
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
I... I know you're mad at me because you think
that I ditched you to play beer pong, and...
I never...
I never said I was mad.
Okay.
Well, I know that you are,
and... Nadine.
Would you like to know an observation
that I made this weekend?
Sure.
- Oh, my god, Shannon, your outfit, it's so cute!
- I love it."
Yeah. Okay.
And you toss me aside? The person who's
had your back since second grade,
who's been with you
through everything?
You know what? Fine, because
chances are that those pricks,
they're not gonna give a shit about you when
Darian drops your ass for someone hotter.
You don't know anything, Nadine.
It's really shitty to hear.
I'm sorry, it's gonna happen.
No, I'm sorry.
It's not gonna happen,
because your brother just asked me to
be his girlfriend and to prom in may.
No. Yeah, he did. He-he
just asked me that.
You can't. Y-you can't have both.
It's me or him. Pick.
No, I'm...
No, I'm not gonna pick.
It's me or him. Do you want him
or do you want me? Nadine.
Why can't you just say me?
No, i...
Him or me now?
No, I'm not gonna pick.
You know what?
Then we're done.
We're done.
Fine.
Oh, my god.
Nadine.
Nadine.
Hmm? Hmm?
Hey, wake up.
You had a brain operation.
It worked.
They made you pleasant
and agreeable.
Ah, just wishful daydreaming.
The bell rang.
Leave. Please.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know what? Just ignore
her. She's... I'll call you later.
Bye.
I don't want to hear about it.
Work it out between yourselves.
In a couple weeks,
dad will be dead four years.
When I was on my way home today,
this memory came back to me.
It was that night...
After everything happened.
I got up to go to the bathroom
and I saw you... crying so hard.
I mean, so hard
your pillow was just soaked.
It made me so sad.
I got up and I went in my room
and I got my... my pillow.
Took the wet one for myself.
I wish you loved me that much.
Asshole.
No. No.
Hey, you're so messed up for bringing
up that story. You're so messed up!
Do you even realize how sick in the
head you are for bringing that up?
I'm sorry you feel guilty for never
caring about anyone but yourself.
- Yeah. No, that's exactly it. -Face it.
You're obsessed with yourself.
- Oh, my god. -Your report card on
the refrigerator like you're five!
"Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody, look.
I pooped in the big potty!"
God. Do you even know what it feels
like to love another human being?
Oh, man. You are so dramatic.
Okay? Hey, life isn't fair sometimes,
Nadine, okay? Get over it!
I swear to god. I swear to
god I'm gonna clock you!
- Hey!
- Calm down already, man!
- Everybody knows that!
- Stop it!
What is the matter with you? I...
I know what this is about.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do. Krista and
Darian are a thing.
You guys think I don't know
things, but I know things.
- I'm leaving. -No, you're not.
Where are you going?
- I'm taking a therapeutic walk.
- Get back here!
Oh, god. Darian.
Just don't worry about it.
Can I just ask you a question?
Is it worth turning the
house into a war zone?
What am I supposed
to say to that?
I'm just... I'm just
asking you the question.
I'm not turning it into a war zone, mom.
She is. Why don't you talk to her?
Because she doesn't
listen to me. You do.
You'll do the right thing.
I know you will.
I mean, look at that
drink you're making.
You want one?
Oh. What did I do to make
such a perfect kid, huh?
Could you point me in the
direction of the cat litter?
Uh...
Eight, I think.
You go to Lakewood, right?
Sometimes.
I've-I've seen you around. We've
just never really... T-talked.
Freshman.
Junior.
I-I don't... I don't really need
the cat litter. I just, um...
I don't even know why I said that.
I don't even have a cat.
I just know that they shit a
bunch, so... i like your shoes.
I gotta go.
Uh... okay.
Look on the bright side,
you know.
I mean, maybe they'll get married and then
my best friend will be a part of my family.
Helpful. Thank you.
It really bothers me she's not
giving you rides anymore though.
I'm gonna have to talk to her about that.
No, you're not!
I can't drive you every morning. It puts me
on the freeway late and adds 40 minutes.
If you do that, I will do something
equally terrible to you.
I will tell everyone on Facebook that
you pluck your nipples. How about that?
Oh.
Look, just tell me what you
want to hear and I'll say it.
Mom... i want to make
you feel better.
What can I say to do that?
I don't know.
Here's what I do
when I'm feeling down.
I get very quiet and very still.
And I say to myself...
Everyone in the world is as
miserable and empty as I am.
There's just better pretending.
Try it sometime.
Might bring you some peace.
Hey, uh, do you guys
know where Erwin Kim is?
I guess he hangs out
around here sometimes.
Yeah, he's working on
his project for SFF.
Sf-what?
The student film festival?
Right.
Yeah.
SFF.
Hey, um, I gotta talk to you
about some homework.
I didn't need to talk to you
about homework. I lied.
Are you enjoying my company?
You're a barrel of monkeys.
You never told me
if you have a wife.
You should date my mother.
Her last boyfriend turned out
to be an Internet perv.
She's very, very fragile,
very, um...
"oh, save me."
Men like that, right, though? 'Cause
at the end of the day they all wanna...
All wanna be a hero.
Everyone just wants to feel
important in life.
Thing is, no matter
how important they are,
there's always gonna be
someone more important.
People get so uptight about that.
Oh, no, they're better than me.
It's like, god,
they don't realize
important doesn't matter.
It's confidence. When confidence
breaks into the room...
It wins every single time.
Doesn't matter if it's real or pulling
it straight out of their ass.
People are dumb.
They don't know the difference.
You know what?
I'm gonna go ahead
and I'm gonna tell you the real reason
I'm having lunch with you today.
You see, I don't, uh... i don't really
have any friends at the moment.
And to be completely honest
with you, I'm not interested.
At all. My entire generation
is a bunch of mouth-breathers.
They literally have a seizure if you
take their phone away for a second.
They can't communicate
without emojis.
They actually think that the world wants
to know that they are "eating a taco!"
Exclamation point. Smiley face, smiley
face, smile... like we give a fuck.
I am an old soul.
I like old music and old movies
and even old people.
Bottom line is I have nothing in
common with the people out there,
and they have nothing
in common with me.
Nadine.
Max.
Maybe...
Nobody likes you.
You're a dick.
Maybe nobody likes you, huh?
You're always... you're always in a shit
mood. You're a really shitty teacher.
You put zero effort
into everything you do.
And there's no way you're proud of that.
Look at you. Look at...
Like, you do nothing. Look at your hair.
You don't even...
You don't do your hair 'cause you
don't have any hair. You're bald.
You know what? You know
why you're not married?
Because bald men are gross and disgusting, and
especially the ones that make $45,000 a year.
What?
I've been doing this 23 years
and...
You're the first person to
ever underestimate my salary.
That made me feel good.
I mean, that... that part.
What are you doing?
I'm giving you half my cookie.
Why?
Make you feel better.
Jesus.
Guess what.
You're my favorite student.
Does that help?
Am I really
your favorite student?
It felt like
the right thing to say.
I didn't mean, like,
completely bald, by the way.
It's smart
what you do there too.
You kind of...
You kind of, you know...
I don't know.
Do you poof it up a little bit?
Give it a little zhuzh?
I'm glad you circled back
around and cleaned that up.
It certainly made me
feel better.
The dog's good,
but our real competition
is the hypno-toad.
- No, no.
- Yeah, I'm serious.
I practice those steps
all the time.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I heard you were looking
for me at lunch.
Yeah, I can't talk right now.
Oh, okay.
I just got... okay.
Hello?
Sorry.
Um, I just took some medicine.
I'll call after it kicks in.
Wait. What's wrong?
Are you... are you sick?
No, I'm fine. I'm not. No.
Medicine. Like... like
an antidepressant, whatever.
They gave them to me
when my dad died.
I was only on them
for a month though.
People take them all the time.
It's totally normal.
Oh.
Does that make you think
I'm pathetic all of a sudden?
Oh, no. No, I think...
I think you're
perfectly fine. Seriously.
Hey, do you have...
Do you have a swimming pool?
Yeah.
Can I come swim in it?
- I know I can swim in mine. I
just know I wouldn't relax. -Yes.
I got towels. We're good to go.
We're green. We're good.
Okay. Cool.
I'll text you the address.
- Yeah, I'll see you in a
little bit then. -Okay.
Y-y-y-y-yes!
- Hey. -Geez, Erwin. I
would've been nicer to you.
Ah.
Hey, I wish my bathtub
got this hot.
Why didn't you tell me
you were rich?
- I thought I did. I always
try to tell everyone. -What?
You didn't tell me you were
in a film festival either.
You didn't tell me
anything, Erwin.
Maybe it's because
I can't get a word in.
Do I really talk that much?
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna drown
myself now. Good-bye.
Bye.
Hey. Thanks for
letting me come over.
Um, I'm glad you did.
Do you want to have sex
right now?
- Okay.
I'm just kidding.
I was just...
You know that I was just... i was
just playing out the movie scene.
You ever feel like you have to do that?
There's a waterfall.
It's all romantic.
Sure. Yeah. Right.
I'm sorry. I just...
Whatever.
What are you, mad now?
You can't be mad. You were gonna
have sex with me two seconds ago.
- You don't say that stuff to a man.
- Oh, a man, huh?
Erwin, come Ba...
What are you doing?
You're gonna press a button that
sucks me into the drain, aren't you?
So, what's your film
about anyway?
I'm still figuring it out.
Uh, my drawing teacher asked a few
of us to enter an animation project.
Oh, that's cool. I didn't know you draw.
What kind of stuff?
Look at these. Wow.
Damn, Erwin.
Yeah, this is, uh, mostly unfinished.
Uh, this doodling mostly.
Um, but not quite where i...
Oh. I... I think
I've found my favorite.
Yeah, my, uh...
My parents love that one too.
- Do they?
- No, they don't.
No, they're very conservative.
No, they don't.
Wow.
They're both you, right?
Yeah. I'm multifaceted.
Rad self-portrait.
Man. Wow.
Uh... man, Erwin,
you're really good.
Do you, um, you know,
wanna come on Saturday?
To see the film.
It's early in the morning,
super inconvenient, so...
I hope you say yes. You can
take time to think about it.
I don't expect an answer, like, right
now, 'cause that would be rude.
That's a lot of pressure. So...
just laying it out there.
Yeah, I'd love to come.
Oh. Okay.
Are your parents going?
I can just sit with them.
My parents are in Korea
for three months.
They won't make it.
Are you serious?
You've had this whole place
to yourself for three months?
Yay.
No, I get it. It's a big house.
You're bored.
You know what you need?
You need someone to rob you
so you can reenact home alone.
That is...
That is exactly
what I need. Thank you.
I can't get out.
Can you just go
around the block once?
I'm not going around
the block. We're here.
It's an inappropriate time.
Just go.
I have to be at work
at 8:30, Nadine.
Oh, my god.
Are we really back
to this again?
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Thank you. You can just
loop around up here.
No, no, no.
I'm going to work,
and you're coming with me.
My boss isn't going
to be happy about it,
and you're the one that gets
to explain it to him.
Don't you have something to do?
Schoolwork or something.
Hmm?
Can I have this hole punch?
Give that to me.
I want you to just sit there
for the next eight hours
and don't touch anything
and don't make any noise.
Can I mime?
You're not funny.
If my husband had any idea what I
was gonna have to deal with...
I love how you refer to him
as your husband.
He is my husband.
You can run off
and get a new husband.
What he is is my dad.
Can you just say that
occasionally?
Fine.
We're not talking about him right
now, 'cause it's just too upsetting.
"And too hard and too sad and it
gives me a cluster headache."
I know.
Oh, my god.
You have no compassion.
Actually, I'm just bored,
because I know everything you're
going to do before you do it.
- Sure you do.
- Oh, you don't believe me?
No, I don't.
I'm gonna write down the next
thing you're gonna say to me.
- I'm not gonna play...
Your little games, Nadine.
Congratulations.
Hmm.
All right, you know what?
- Here's something you're
not gonna guess. -Hmm.
Your dad would be so disappointed
in the way you're turning out.
Did you just take my keys?
Nadine.
You take that car,
I will call the police!
I will call the police!
Nick. I'm just gonna say it.
I like you.
I've liked you for months.
I think about you every second. I
don't know. Maybe I even love you.
You're so complicated
but simple.
And I just feel
this connection between us.
I feel like I already know you.
And I just wanna be with you.
I wanna give you head.
I want you to put
your mouth on my tits.
I wanna feel you inside me.
We can do it
in the Petland stockroom.
Nadine.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
You sound like
a fucking psychopath.
You can't send this.
What? No.
Je... oh, my god.
Oh, my god. No way.
No, no. No way. No. Fuck!
Oh, my god.
Shit.
Look, I don't wanna take up
a ton of your time...
But I'm gonna kill myself.
"You're complicated and simple.
And I just feel
this connection between us.
I feel like I already know
you." This is kind of sweet.
I think you're overreacting.
"I just wanna be with you.
I wanna give you... head.
I want you to put your...
Mouth on my... tits.
I wanna feel you inside me.
We can do it
in the Petland stockroom."
Say something. Oh, my god,
say something, please.
Help me.
You need to watch out
for run-on sentences.
But can't you just do something? Can't
you... can't you just do something?
You gotta be able to do something.
Y-y-y-y... come on.
I don't know.
Maybe confiscate his phone?
Um... uh, his computer.
His computer.
You can maybe,
um, get his address.
If you get his address and you
confiscate his phone, great.
Get his address. You give it to me.
I'm gonna go there.
And I'm gonna, um...
Nadine. Nadine.
Just... take fifth
period off, all right?
Try to relax.
Listen to some music,
have a yogurt.
Uh, maybe just... just take it easy.
Can you do that?
And, uh, if you have any,
you know, complications...
Let me know.
Okay?
Okay.
Don't worry.
Thank you.
It's gonna be okay.
Thank you.
Can I have some money
for the yogurt?
I want change.
I just want you to know I've never been
more humiliated in my entire life.
I absolutely cannot...
Okay, Nadine, so now I need
you to pick up the phone...
I just... I just don't
understand you, Nadine. I...
If you think you're keeping
that phone, you are dreaming.
The second you come home,
that phone is going.
I am done. I am done
trying to understand you...
Please.
Please, god, help me.
Why do I even bother?
Why do I even...
You've never given me one thing.
Any time I ask you
for anything, you're like,
"oh, you need help with something?
Let me help you.
I'm just playing. I'm gonna
butt-fuck you some more."
Who is this?
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
What?
Holy shit.
Holy shit. Oh, my god.
Okay. Calm down.
Just relax.
Um...
Sounds...
Cool.
Sounds cool.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
Oh, geez!
Oh!
Oh.
Ooh.
Better than this assholes. Please
hurry the hell up and graduate.
Hey, one sec.
Oh, tell Krista
about the time when...
What? Wait. Slo... slow down.
What do you mean?
Okay. Ma, you... calm down.
I do my best to pick you up.
I'm just saying we could
have won every game.
I, uh... I'm gonna catch up
with you guys later.
Are you kidding, man?
It's a long story.
See you.
See you, man.
Hey. Hey, what happened?
No, it's fine.
It's not fine.
No, you're having fun. You should stay.
I'll come with you.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Hey.
You look cute.
Thank you.
So... so do you. Yeah.
Mom?
Hey, mom.
No.
Oh.
- What are you doing?
- It's going to goodwill.
All of it.
Everything
that's on the floor, gone.
- Mom, why don't you just calm down, okay?
- I'm done putting up with it.
All of this.
All right, hey, hey, hey.
Can you believe it?
It's okay.
What is this?
What is all this crap?
Please stop for a second.
She left her flat iron on.
She wants to burn the goddamn house down!
Please stop for a second.
This is going.
Okay, all right.
Stop. Just give it to me.
Hey!
Just give me the bag.
I am the adult here, not you!
Then why do you always call me?
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. You're right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I just don't have anybody else.
You're the only one.
What are you doing?
I'm handling it.
Wow. Look at this view.
It's amazing.
Look, you know what to do.
I'm not gonna be
an asshole and tell you.
Look, you know what to do.
I love this song.
I can't believe
this is happening.
There's so much that I've
wanted to tell you and ask you,
and I just can't believe this...
Um...
Bzzzz.
Oh, wow. It just keeps
going back, doesn't it?
- I'll move this stuff.
- Oh, good.
Yeah.
I don't know if...
Yeah.
Oh, I'll get it.
I don't know if I should... no.
Get off!
- Get off! Off!
- Okay.
Get off.
Okay.
- What the hell?
I, um... I really liked
that song earlier.
- What was the name of it again?
- I don't remember.
I can...
I can just Google it.
Anyway, do you maybe wanna go
for a walk or something?
We could maybe...
Catch a movie.
Or we could sit here silently in
your Mercury Marquis all night.
Are you serious?
What?
Now you're making fun of my car?
What? No. I-i-i was
just being specific.
I wasn't saying that
because it's shitty.
All right.
No, god, no.
Look, I love your car.
I don't even have a car.
I'm just acting weird,
and this is just all a lot.
- And please stop.
Please don't leave.
- Fuck!
- What?
I don't understand you.
What do you... what?
What do you want?
What do you mean?
What do you want? To talk,
to get to know you,
not just do it
in the first five seconds.
You wrote me a novel about how you were
dying to blow me in Petland, you psycho.
I'm not here to get to know you.
This is so stupid.
So stupid.
Why didn't I listen
to my friends?
Come on.
Come on.
Now you're gonna try to make me the bad
guy? You're the one who messaged me.
I hope you hit a tree
in this piece of shit!
I hope you get
fucking paralyzed!
Let's go, lady.
Did you get a doughnut
from these people?
No.
What the...
Why is that baby in your house?
Oh, shit. How the hell
did that thing get in here?
Hello.
This is Toby, and this is Greer.
- Hi.
- How are you?
Good. How are you doing? Good.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Now, your mother's number.
And who's got the stinky feet?
Who's got the stinky feet?
Let me smell. Hold on.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Toby's got the stinky feet.
Don't stare.
Makes him self-conscious.
Can I get you something else? Any ice cream
or anything before I put the baby down?
I'm good.
Thank you.
No, no. I can feed and water
her from here. All right.
All right, come on, tiny man.
It's you and me, buddy.
Big boy.
There you go.
Yeah.
Look, I just want to say, I don't know the
whole story, but whatever it is, it'll pass.
I went through a rough time
not too long ago too.
- But look where it led me.
- This is the face of hope.
Ah.
All right.
Good night.
I'll be in in a minute.
All right.
Good night.
Good night.
- Say night-night.
- Good night.
Night-night, daddy.
Night-night.
Oh, I think that's for you.
Come on.
No, that's... that's not my mother.
Don't open the door.
Hello there!
- What are you doing here?
- Get in the car. Let's go.
- No, mom's picking me up.
- No, she's not.
Get in the car.
Well, I don't feel like getting
in the car with you and her.
Do you know what I've
been doing all night?
I'll find another ride.
Hey. Hey.
Get in the car.
- Stop! -No, you think
this is fun for me, huh?
- Let go of me.
- You think I like this?
Where were you? You can't
pick up your phone even once?
You don't need to pretend you give a shit
about me just because people are watching.
- Oh, give me a break.
- Oh, face it.
You can't wait to take me home so you can be
mom's little hero. You live for that shit.
Just let it go.
Darian.
Darian! Darian!
I just want you to know you're
right, Nadine. Darian, we don't...
You're right about everything.
I don't give a shit about you.
I'm only here for me, and my
life is fucking incredible.
I love it.
No, I love spending another night
talking mom off the ledge.
I love only applying
to schools nearby
because who knows what'll happen in
that house if I'm not around to fix it.
And I love...
That the one person who makes me feel
like I can take a fucking breath...
I can't have without
completely destroying you.
So you're right.
You're right. It's a blast.
I win.
Can you give her
a ride home, please?
Thanks.
Look, I'm not very good
at this kind of thing. Uh...
But I think we both know
what needs to be said right now,
so I'm just gonna come
right out and say it.
Get out of the car.
Bye.
See you Monday.
Hey.
Um...
Look, I just... i just
wanted to say, um, that...
I'm sorry for being
a bitch tonight.
And for the past
couple of weeks.
And the past 17 years
before that.
I know this isn't any easier for you.
I know that.
I think some deranged part
of me likes thinking
I'm the only one
with real problems.
Like that makes me special.
You know,
ever since we were little,
I would get this feeling like...
Like I'm floating outside of my
body, looking down at myself...
And I hate what I see...
How I'm acting, the way I sound.
And I don't know
how to change it.
And I'm so scared...
That the feeling
is never gonna go away.
I'm sorry.
Really.
Good night.
Hey, Nadine.
Uh...
Ah.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey.
Hey.
You're up early.
Uh, yeah. I, um...
I got a thing to go to.
Yeah.
Well, have a good day.
You as well. Have a...
Have a good day, both of you.
A great day.
Thank you.
Um...
Can I call you later?
Okay.
That was good.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
That was so good.
I miss her.
Nadine?
Sit back, relax and get
ready to enjoy the films.
Oh. Turn off
your cell phone, please.
Excuse me. Thanks.
Sorry. Sorry.
Really something, wasn't it?
Let's keep things going.
Our next entry, ladies and
gentlemen, comes from Erwin Kim...
Whoo!
Of...
Thank you.
Of Lakewood high.
Mr. Kim, would you like to come out
and say a few words about your film?
Come on.
Hello.
Thank you for coming.
Uh, hope you enjoy this, uh...
My, uh...
Uh...
Uh...
You can just take this.
Thank you.
Whoo.
Whoo.
Uh, okay.
Um, well, here it is.
Mr. Kim's film.
Once upon a time
on a planet called not Saturn...
At alien planet high school...
There was an alien adolescent
who was struck by love.
Hmm?
Mm-mmm.
Mm.
Mm-hmm?
Mm-mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-mmm, mm-mmm, mm.
Mm.
Aw!
Huh?
Hmm.
- Oh.
- Aw.
Uh-oh.
Oh.
Too late.
Pool party.
Whoo!
Erwin.
That...
Wow.
Well, I mean,
I wouldn't go that far.
No. It was amazing. Really.
It was all right.
Oh, thanks.
And, uh...
I got the message.
All right?
I know... I know she's me.
But I already figured out
how great you are.
You're so fucking great.
You're, like,
the best person I know.
What? Are... what's wrong?
Um, the film wasn't about you.
Oh, god.
Shoot.
I just thought maybe because the hair
and, like, the cool shoes that...
Oh.
Wow. I'm one of those people that
thinks everything's about them.
Hmm.
I'm just messing with you.
Yeah, I'm just messing with you.
I set that up.
You shithead.
Yes!
That felt pretty good.
You being nervous for once,
and I'm just over here
just sniffing my flowers.
I hate you so much.
You free to hang?
Yeah, I am.
Cleared my whole schedule for you.
Oh, good.
Come on. Let's say hi
to some people.
Dude, that was so good.
Good job.
Guys, this is Nadine.
Hi.
How's it going?
Good. How are you?
Okay. That was so good. I just
can't get over it. It was amazing.