|
The First Date (2017)
1
- Hi, my name is Emma. I am looking for a very special person in my life. I've been through it all. I've been dating for way too long. I've been with men and women. Tried that, didn't work out, so I'm done playing the dating game. I just want someone who is going to be the perfect person for me. I'm not getting any younger. I just want happiness, and loved to have a family. So I am just giving this another shot, and I'm hoping that special person is out there for me so we can make each other happy and give each other good lives. - Tada. - Wow. This place is actually nice. I won't lie, I was afraid that you might've brought me here just to take me to your place. - Don't worry about it. Now I know what a big film buff you are. - Horror film buff. - Yes, horror film buff. And I thought you'd like my home theater, and I've got a great collection of short films. - Oh, nice. Well just so you know, I don't normally do this on the first date. But, you know, there's something about you I trust. You wouldn't believe the kind of dates I've been on through that dating site, so I appreciate this. - I'm glad I don't disappoint. Tell you what, why don't you have a seat, I'm gonna grab us some popcorn. - Thank you. Thank you. So what do we got up first? - Oh, I figured to start, we'll do something a little lighter, a little g-rated family affair. - Hm. Nice. - Yeah. - Welcome, boys and girls, to this week's episode of Miss Catanic's Reading Room where you tell you to open a book. What have you got to lose other than your soul? If you're following along at home, this week we're reading Doll Hands. And remember, when you hear this tone: turn the page. - There was a little girl named Samantha McKray. She hated the rules so she ran away. There was a little doll named Pretty Miss Beth. She had pretty blue eyes and a faint smell of death. Samantha had no idea where to go, she just wanted a place to get out of the snow. Then she saw a building that came into view. It looked really creepy, but what else could she do? It had a roof made of wood and walls make of bricks. It seemed like a place where junkies get their fix. Samantha wanted to take a quick look around. Beer cans, condoms and needles littered the ground. Just as she was ready to leave the way she came, Samantha heard a faint voice calling her name. That's when she found her, that little Miss Beth, with her pretty blue eyes and her faint smell of death. "Please play with me," she said, "and I'll keep you safe. "I can be your best friend, we can live in this place." They had a tea party like princesses planned, ignoring that her cup was just an old beer can. They played hide and go seek, which Samantha always won. McKray's world had no rules, now only good fun. Samantha ran down the hall and into the light. The sun on her face just didn't feel right. The cement pipes were used by those two for a wonderful game of peekaboo. But now Samantha felt strange; something's wrong. The poltimous Beth was a little too strong. Her skin became pale, her brain began to hurt. Was this being caused by the doll in the skirt? Samantha thought the only way to stop feeling sick was to smash Little Miss Beth's face with a brick. Samantha ran away from home and look what it cost. She has no rules, but her soul is now lost. Now she lives in this place, surrounded by disrepair. Her hair is all matted and her skin is so fair. She hopes to find a new friend to play, maybe a nice girl who just ran away. Maybe it's you, you can go there and see. Or maybe you will see her and have to flee. There was a little girl named Samantha McKray. She hated the rules so she ran away. There was a little doll named Little Miss Beth. She had pretty blue eyes and a faint smell of death. - Hm? Wasn't that kind of dark for children? Do you think that was appropriate? - Shouldn't children be made aware of the darkness that's in the world around them? You know, maybe if we exposed them more stuff like this, it'll prepare them for what is in store for them. - Okay, but you're not teaching them stranger danger, just say no to drugs. I mean, what kind of lesson is practical here? I mean, how often do you see someone turn into a doll? - Think of it more of a cautionary tale, you know, like the Grimm Brothers used to do but with a modern twist. It's funny how many of our modern fears stem from childhood issues. You know, like clowns and dolls. - You know, I've never been afraid of clowns. - You've just never met the right one. - Hey, dude. There's a new haunted house attraction in town. It's only like 10 bucks a head. Do you wanna go? - I don't believe in ghosts, dude. - Well, you don't have to believe in ghosts to enjoy a haunted house. - Kinda do. - Yeah, you kinda fuckin' don't. You're playing a fuckin' game right now where you're shooting a bunch of fuckin' aliens-- - But I'm not like you where I think the aliens are real and gonna come out of the TV or something, like all your conspiracy theories and stuff. - Oh my God. Just because it's proven by the government that chem trails are real, doesn't fuckin' mean that aliens are real. - I do not want to go to this stupid haunted house. Oh my God. Whatever, man. Do you wanna hear something that's actually scary? - Sure. - Alright, so the story goes is that there's this clown, his name is Socko, Socko the Clown. So Socko was born Nathan Sins. Nathan was bullied in school. He would go home and his parents would never notice he's around. One year they hired a birthday clown for his birthday, and since no one else showed up, the clown was the only one to spend the birthday with. From that point, Nathan knew what he wanted to be. He was going to be a party clown and bring joy to all the children who had no other joy in their life. After waiting his entire life, he finally got his first clown job. He was Socko. The parents that hired him didn't realize that the 12-year-old child that his friends were way to old for a birthday clown. So Socko was best to entertain these preteens, and they were having none of it. And they are throwing things at him and calling him all kinds of named like douche and greasy pervert. And one of the kids yells out Sucko the Clown. All the other kids pick up on it. So the next think you know, they're chanting "Sucko, Sucko, Sucko!" Socko was devastated by this and walks away to the other room where he finds the parents' liquor cabinet. He just starts downing whiskey like it's his job, and then stumbles into his clown car and tries to drive home. On his way home, he crashes head into a bridge. When the story hit the news, the anchors were unable to keep a straight face, and the entire incident went viral. Even the fact that he died in an accident didn't stop people from making fun of him. Then on the anniversary of his death, a teenager was found brutally murdered in his bathroom. The teenager's friend said they were looking in the mirror and said Sucko the Clown three times. The next thing they knew, Socko was there with a knife and killed his friend. To this day, if you look into a mirror and say Sucko the Clown three times, he'll show up and take his revenge. - You do not actually believe that. - I swear to God. I-- - You believe that if you go in the mirror and say his name three times, he'll show up? - Fuckin' yes, dude. Alright, dude, oh I'll tell you what, I will get off your back about going, leaving the house, putting down your fuckin' space marine video game bullshit-- - Oh my god. - And going to the haunted house if you go and do this with me right now in your bathroom. - So if I go in there and I say his name three times, and he doesn't show up, like literally he does not show up, no lights flickering or any of that wind-blowing nonsense like last time, then I don't have to go to this haunted house? - Swear, I swear. - Alright. - Alright, let's do it. - So just say Sucko the Clown in the mirror three times? - Yeah, dude, if you're not scared. - It's stupid. - If it's so stupid, just fuckin' do it. - I'm not scared either. Alright, c'mon. Prove it. - Sucko the Clown... Sucko the Clown, Sucko the Clown. Oh God! - It's Socko. It's fuckin' Socko. - That was interesting. - You know, most people see the clown as the villain, but wasn't he really the victim here? First society, then his parents, and then the children he wanted nothing more than to entertain. Now he's forced into an existence where he has to show up whenever beckoned. - I guess I didn't see it that way. Hm. What a tragedy. Well I don't suppose you have any horror/love stories. - I do have a story, I do have a beautiful story, about love that can't be stopped. Marty Love is a loser Everything goes wrong in his life His apartment's trashed He's always about to crash Nowhere near having a wife It's vodka and coffee in the morning Whatever it takes to get him through the day He drags his bag out the door To work another 8 to 4 It's like he's living his life away Find a note when he gets back that evening With a gift he didn't plan on receiving Someone named Rose knows what he needs His heart keeps beating as he reads Sometimes the reason we feel so lonely In this life is 'cause we haven't found The other half of our soul now So give this record a spin around As the record turns, the ghost of Rose appears Swaying to the music like it's all that she can hear Each move seduces Marty like she's melting eyes She motions to the bedroom but he doesn't think twice Marty wakes the next morning Seizes the day like a different man His apartment's clean Feel so pristine Now that he has Rose who understands Breakfast is on the table waiting The windows open, fan in the breeze His life feels less like reality And he thinks, oh this is fine with me 'Cause I am finally living the dream You saw him finally living the dream Marty heads to work and on his way home He stops to celebrate this life he owns Bumps into his friend as she walks in So they catch up about how things have been He things of Rose as he grabs his plate Feels a little guilty for making her wait I hope she won't mind that he'll be late But Rose got worried when he didn't show up So she went out looking, looking for her love But when Rose saw them there She could just fume and stare How could that bastard dare to fuck this all up When Marty gets home, his place is a mess It's covered in notes with angry threats The record is spinning, it's playing that same old song He sees Rose crying like a woman done wrong Her eyes glare Her eyes burn As that record turned As Marty looks around, he sees the thorn Of a woman scorned She's crying, she's lying, she's trying to Get him cornered She feels bad for what she did Wants to make it up with love to him But all that Marty can say is no No, Rose, no He decides to destroy the record Let this new life drop So the maniacal musical madness Will finally stop There is peace for a moment But Rose flies back like a hornet Menacing, with a knife in the air Marty runs for his life but breaks his neck right there Marty rises from his resting place To see an old familiar sin A past life with his Rose For they Red wine in cold As dying together Seems so much better Yet dying together Seems so much better, oh Living alone - That was so beautiful. I mean, they had a love that even death couldn't stop. You know, sometimes, a love can be too strong. When that happens, it becomes an obsession. And that is a special kind of love. I started coming here after the accident. If I couldn't hear the beauty this world had to offer, at least I could see it. I spent my days walking through this park enjoying the silence. It took a while getting used to my sound-proof cage of deafness. Months of counseling and recovery stretched on for what seemed like an eternity. Sign language and lip reading were little comforts within depression's cruel embrace. That's when she entered my world. I noticed her in passing at first. But soon I started looking forward to when she'd come in my room. She was an aide, helping to change my bandages and linens. It was because of her that my eternity became bearable. I could no longer hear, but her smile was a symphony. And her touch would make a chorus of angels weep. Sent home, I felt my loss anew. It was like living in the depths of the earth. No sound, no light without her. The hospital released me, but my heart would remain forever hers. She was my savior, my goddess, and every goddess needs her shrine. Perhaps one day she will see it, and she will love me. I have gone to thank her, to tell her what she means to me. I've approached the hospital, but like a frightened rabbit, I ran before she saw me. What kind of weirdo stalks someone? I followed her here. She likes to come here everyday after work. It's not stalking if we visit the same public park, is it? I've seen her in the months since coming here, always from the shadows. I can't have her spot me yet. Would she even recognize me, though? Her kindness radiates through her like the warmth of the sun. As she passes, I see men turn and leer, their filthy intentions plain on their faces. She greets them all with a wave and a smile, oblivious to their intended cruelty. She's too pure, a goddess made into porcelain flesh. One wrong move and she'll be broken. I can't let that happen. She will thank me. She will be happy with me. I can treat her the way she needs, the way she deserves. That is why I must do this today. Even now as I follow her, I feel the darkness receding, going back into a long-forgotten portion of my mind. I have to be careful, take my time, choose the right moment to grab her. This might be the opportunity that I need. The tunnels under this bridge are pretty secluded. What is she taking out of the, oh no, did she see me? I have to act now. - I wouldn't consider that love. He tried to kidnap her. - He was misguided on how to show it, but it was still love. - If you say so. - It was just, it just consumed him, is all, and then so did the creature in the forest. You know, many people think that love is just a chemical reaction in your brain. The same chemical reaction that makes you question everything that you thought was once life. Now, I myself think that the loss of love that was once there is the most tragic story of all. - Aw. - This is the day I've been dreaming about, living off the grid from all the hatred and insanity that this world seems to have embraced. The only thing that makes this day better than my dreams is that I'm here with the woman that I love. Together, we can start our lives on our terms, not what was dictated by society. - Day one. Scott asked me to keep a journal so we can document our new lives together. I think that this is the best thing for us. I love how clean everything is out here. I'll miss the smell of cheerios that the city had, but I won't miss having to fill water pitchers just to have clean water. The spring is so crisp and clean here. Day five. I'm surprised at how little I miss about our old lives. There are times I do miss our friends and family, but I'm comforted in knowing that I can go and visit them whenever I want. Scott told me that I should wait until we've been here for a while before we invite anyone over, just to make sure we're acclimating to our new lives. - Day ten. We walked our land today. I can tell Linda misses some aspects of our old life. I wish there was more that I could do to help her forget all that we left behind. Our old lives brought us nothing but pain. I would give anything to make sure she never feels that pain again. She needs to realize that I am the only family she has now. - Day 23. I don't understand why Scott is so adamant about me not visiting my family. Today he told me the weather wasn't good for travel. I know my parents weren't his biggest fans, but they came around. How will they ever make it up to him if he refuses to see them? Day 27. I think this isolation is getting to me. Last night when I looked out the window, I saw something in the wood line. Some kind of entity out there, just far enough away that I couldn't tell exactly what it is. I would tell Scott but he seems annoyed with me lately, and I don't want him thinking I'm crazy. - Day 27. I think it is time I told Linda the truth. I have tried to let her work it all out on her own time. I thought by now she would have accepted that I am all she has left. She refuses to let go of the past and embrace what her life is now. She seems to be getting worse. Last night, she got spooked by something outside the window. I asked her what she saw, but she told me it was nothing. - Day 40. I know now that this was a mistake. Scott brought me out here, took me away from my parents, the only people who loved me. I have to be strong and find a way to escape. I've realized what the entity was that I saw the other day. It's clearly Scott's accomplice. I see that thing every night now patrolling the area. It's there to make sure I can't leave Scott. That's why, when I told him what I saw, he told me he didn't see anything. I've stopped letting him know when I see it. I can't let him know that I know. Day 45. I've begun hoarding away food. Once I think I have enough supplies to make my escape, I'll do so. Scott's watchdog, the thing out in the woods, it's been getting braver. Every time I see it now, it's come closer. They must have such a low perception of me. They think I'm too weak to fight back. That I'm too stupid to see what's happening. - Day 50. I am worried about Linda. She has been acting so distant. I hope she realizes how much I love her and how all of this is for her. I found a bag filled with food today that she had been hiding. When I asked her about it, she had a meltdown. She kept saying something about me and my friend. I think she's had a break. Maybe it's time I told her the truth. It has to be better than this. - Day 52. It's becoming more and more difficult to act like everything's okay, to go about such mundane, day-to-day routines. I think Scott knows I plan on escaping. He won't be able to stop me. I need to escape. It has to happen. I can't take this anymore. Day 55. Scott found my escape bag. He's now getting so desperate to keep me here. He told me that my parents are dead, that they died in an accident. I told him I'm not stupid. I would remember that. He said it was a mental breakdown. According to him, my doctor told him that moving out here would help me. That he should let me work it out myself. I am not crazy. He wants me to doubt myself. I will not be controlled. Tonight I leave. His friend is getting too close, it's tonight or never. - Agent Bidwater, government. The experiment was a success. Adding the agent to the water supply increased paranoia in the residents turning them against each other. I was able to attain all the information necessary to begin using the agent against foreign governments. A cleanup team has been dispatched to round up the female and destroy all evidence. When we win the war, they will be the first unsung heroes, like the first monkeys shot into space. They will usher in a new era. - That is so sad. They thought they could escape the world and run away and be in love. You know what, I don't think I can watch anymore love stories. - Okay. We could switch gears. How about a classic superhero tale? Hey, have you ever heard of Johnny Justice? - No. Who's that? - He was my favorite superhero when I was growing up. Yeah, I had a huge collection of his memorabilia. And this is my favorite episode of the show. - There he is, Johnny Justice. Saving the world, protecting puppies, helping innocent babies, all so he can sign a few autographs. Well now it's time to help me out, Johnny Justice, you arrogant son of a bitch. You're gonna help me home, and I don't think you're gonna like what it takes for me to go home, are ya, Johnny? - Remember, ladies, you can take justice in your own hands. - Last we left our valiant hero, he was in the clutches of the foul fiend, Doctor Devastation. How will our helpless hero escape this perilous predicament? - You will not get away with this, Doctor Devastation. We both know how this will end. - My name is Kevin. - What? - My name is Kevin. You know, I saved you for last because you retired and I didn't think I'd have to kill you. But obviously I need to kill you to make it stop. - You don't win this, Devastation. I am the, what the fuck! I'm the hero, I'm supposed to win, not you! - I need you to listen, I need you to focus on my words, 'cause I'm not a bad guy. I just, this is not my fault. What I do, I do because I have to. My name's Kevin, Kevin Wallace. You know, I'm not from this world. The world I'm from, heroes and villains, they're not real, they're TV shows. I grew up watching the Johnny Justice Power Hour. Hell, one year, I was you for Halloween. I lived in a world where I was a doctor. I had a wife and a child, and then one day, I wake up and I'm here. I can hear narrators speaking about every little mundane thing that you do. I can see the cameras and the lights that you guys are oblivious to. You live in your life of blissful ignorance, and I'm being driven insane. And then one day, the voice talks to me, and he tells me all I have to do to go home is kill every one of you heroes. You're the last one, Johnny. You're my ticket home. - Will Johnny escape this dungeon of doom? Stay tuned, kids. We will find out after this brief message from our sponsor. - Not now! - Hello, and thanks for joining us, the September Brothers, for a quick public service announcement, and we'll get you back momentarily to the Johnny Justice Power Hour. - You may have recognized us from the award-winning short, The Shamlin Shack. - Shamlin Shack. - One of the best-reviewed zombie shorts ever put to film. - Ever. Amazing it was. And that brings us to what we're hoping to reach to. There's a group of people in this world that need your help, they need your support. They're independent filmmakers. You see, big Hollywood budgets are everywhere, and none of them were given to these amazing talents that can bring you such awesome films as The First Date, patent pending, first date based on a true story. But, I mean, they're living there with microbudgets, I mean, a couple dollars and that's it. They've tried to bring you entertainment. - Microbudgets. - But you can help. You can support your local independent filmmakers, and it can bring such amazing things to you. - Amazing. - I just don't even know how else to tell you guys what you can do for this community. - It could be handing them cash right there, firm handshake and a pat on the ass-- - And then more money. - Accept that. - Support these local filmmakers. Do your part, do your part. It's important to bring the arts and entertainment home and only you can do it. For just pennies a day, a lot of pennies a day, like thousands and thousands of pennies a day. You know, a couple of thousand dollars a day, if you would, just you too can support it. And we'll, when you do this when you make this donation, when you make this pledge, you can get sent, you know, a picture of the director that you're supporting, you know, a letter, a lovely handwritten letter from him. Probably gonna be a lot of swearing in there because we cuss like sailors. We're a hardy bunch. - Like if the only thing the letter says to us says send nudes, sending nudes. - That might be what it says. - I'm about sending nudes. - Sending the nudes. Alright, I guess, back to your show. - You don't even notice that, do you? My life freezes for two minutes at a time for these fucking commercials, and you, you don't even notice. They were a pain in my world having to sit through them, but here, it's worse. You don't understand the pain, that's why I have to do this. That's why I have no choice but to kill you. - Commercials, voices? What are you crazy? We have medications here for that. I don't, I don't understand. I don't hear any of that. You don't have to do any of this. - I do. I do have to do this. It's the only way. - I'm not even a hero anymore. I retired a long time ago after I defeated my arch nemesis, The Masturbator. - No flashbacks! I don't have the time. This has to end now. I'm so tired of hearing the voices. I'm sick of being the only person in this miserable planet that sees past the veil. - That's all the time we have this week, boys and girls. Tune in next week to see our-- - No! This ends now! Finally. Finally done. No more narrators, no more voices. Where is the door? Where's my way home? I don't get it. I did everything. Everything that I was supposed to. I killed all those people for this, for my way home. What if, what if I am crazy? What if it's all in my head? Is that it? Am I crazy? Am I just a killer? Am I just a monster? I'm not crazy, what if, what if I'm just a killer?! - Wait, wait. Your work isn't done. - Yes, it is. He was the last. - I brought you into this world. I saw the potential for violence in you and needed your help to end this scourge of heroes. Yes, he is the last one for now. But there will be more. Someone will take their place. Then you can teach them the lesson as well. In the meantime, you can rule this world. You could be their god, and I your boss. - No. I'm done with this. I'm not your pawn. - Yes, you are. Make no mistake, you have been my pawn for a long time now. All you have to do is sit back and enjoy the spoils. - No, this, this ends now. - It ends when I release you from your miserable... Well, fuck. - So I'm guessing that was the final episode of that show? - Actually, no, this was an unaired episode. - Oh. - I've been lucky enough to obtain a few rare editions in my collection. - Is that so? - Yeah, as a matter of fact, this next one is a classic. - Okay, but when I think of classic, I think of a bunch of people stuck in a creepy house. - Okay. I think I have something that'll play to your classic loves. - Denizen Nefarious. - Delta Team has been contracted out to head to the middle of nowhere to steal some weird object. Normally we would not take such a weird contract, but under the circumstances, the client was very persuasive. Whatever the object, it was very important to our client, but that didn't matter to me. All I cared about was the number of zeroes on the contract. I set off a couple of hours to case the place before my partner shows up to finish the job. The only information I was given was the owner of the house was a weird loner inventor who, luckily, has not been seen for weeks. Some people even think he died. How easy that that? Steal from a dead guy's barn. Oh, how wrong we were. - My name is Jim Bluefield. I am heading to meet my partner, Kim Christmas, in a middle of nowhere town to steal some objects of some sort. I am leaving early because normally my partner would be sending me updates, but I haven't heard from her in a long while. I will go in and lend a hand. - That felt really familiar. You know, I had a great time tonight. I never thought I'd have such a good time on a first date coming from a dating website. Thank you. I really should get going though. It's getting late, so-- - Okay, but I have one more film I want you to watch. - Okay. What the hell? What am I watching? What the fuck is going on? Is this some kind of sick fucking joke? What is going on? Why do I feel this way? - Looks like what I put in the popcorn is finally kicking in. You know, they always tell girls that they should poor their own drinks, but they never tell them about things like popcorn. Well, I guess now you know. You see, I'm a collector of sorts. Every film that you watched, that's a soul that's in my collection. Each one of them was obsessed with something. I mean, maybe it was a record, or science, or going home, or some little trinket. Their obsession called to me. I can hear it. And that call from their soul, well that becomes my obsession. - What does that have to do with me? - Because you're obsessed too. You're obsessed with finding the perfect person. You go out to all these clubs, you go on dating sites, you ask all of your friends to set you up just to find the perfect person. Oh, I can hear it. Even now, you're obsession cries out to me. It drowns out everything else in the world. But no longer. Because I am the perfect man for you. I love you, even for all your imperfections. And I never plan to let you go. Now, just one good night kiss and I'll send you off to join my menagerie. Whoa Whoa Whoa Oh now, I've seen your face before Yes, I know who you are I know what you're looking for But I best be on my way But forgive me for wanting to say You're a stranger I'm a stranger too So let's figure this out We'll be left with no doubt I'm in need of you Whoa Whoa I ain't even heard you say one word But I ain't got the time and I ain't go the nerve And I could guarantee If we talk, all I'd hear was me You're a stranger I'm a stranger too So let's figure this out We'll be left with no doubt I'm in need of you Oh now, come with me Oh now, come with me We're all brothers and sisters, workers and lovers Come with me Oh now, looking at all I see Wonder if I miss the marsh 'Cause shouldn't it be so easy To extend some welcoming arms Whoa, whoa You deserve all I see Whoa, whoa You and I share the same story Oh now, come with me Oh now, come with me We're all brothers and sister, workers and lovers Come with me You're a stranger I'm a stranger too So let's figure this out We'll be left with no doubt That I'm in need of you Oh now, come with me Oh now, come with me We're all brothers and sisters, workers and lovers Brothers and sisters, workers and lovers I'm your brother, your my sister I'm a worker, you're a lover Come with me Whoa Whoa Whoa - Back a little. - Back. - Up, down, there. - You are good. - Got that skill crane. - Alrighty. - Action. - That was a terrible kiss. |
|