All right, all
right, all right, everybody!
What up?
What up?
Thank you guys for
coming out today.
Most of you all know me from
running the Lotus Community
Workshop here.
I've been doing this
since 1978.
'78!
And I go by the name of Reverend
Mickey House...
in the house!
All right, we got something
crazy special and super
exciting for you guys today.
So with great pleasure and
extreme fondness, I'd like to
introduce to you today to
a man that needs no
introduction, because he's
saved so many lives.
He's touched so many lives.
This man is a legend
amongst us, ya'll!
I don't even know a greater
human being
other than this guy.
He's so large, and he's a
personal hero of mine.
Please help me welcome my
friend and my mentor Val
Kilmer, ya'll!
Give it up for Val Kilmer!
Yeah!
Put it up for that man Val!
Yeah!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Some of you may know me,
may know my face.
Cable television.
I have many,
many awards.
I'm a consistent award winner.
I'm a very well-known entity.
I'm considered by most people
to be a great man.
You, on the
other hand, are not.
You need my help?
You, and you, and you, you're
drowning in a cesspool of
poverty and unemployment?
You need me badly.
You need me so badly that I feel
badly about how badly you
really need me.
You need me to light up the
sky for you, to be your
beacon, to be your beacon
sparkler, to
teach you awesome secrets...
awesome secrets!
Say it with me now!
Awesome secrets!
Awesome secrets!
Awesome secrets!
Awesome secrets!
Awesome secrets!
Awesome secrets, they
now come true!
Awesome secrets, they
now come true!
Awesome secrets, they
now come true!
We've all been
assembled here today by a
wonderful charity workshop, the
Lotus Community Workshop.
It's a non-profit for inner-city
people in need or
real hard-luck cases.
Sit down.
Sit down, darling.
Sit down.
How do you get a piece of that
pie and still maintain a
semblance of dignity?
You know that.
And I know that.
It's cool that I'm
here for you.
I'm so happy
you're here for me.
I want you so bad.
I want your baby.
Sexy.
Hey.
Been waiting long?
No,
Just got here.
You want to rent a video game?
Cool.
I'm just going to take
a minute now.
Total silence.
I'm going to take a minute to
examine everyone, the facial
structures of the audience.
A vibe jack.
Total silence.
I'm not going to
speak for maybe 15 seconds.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, fantastic.
A lot of criminals in
the audience today.
I wasn't expecting that
much criminal vibes.
Woo, a bit mind-blowing.
I'm not going to lie to you.
A few of you look like you
could be on death row.
But do not worry.
I'm not going to turn you in.
You're safe with me.
There's a new sheriff in town.
I'm your protector now.
When I was young, I was
also a delinquent.
I stole things.
I hurt people.
I was born in a tin shack.
Actually, I was born in
several tin shacks.
I ran with kids who
were awful.
They had
pointy ears.
They were more like demons than
actual human children.
Scorched houses...
I was into arson.
I thought arson was cool.
One day I was coming home
from school, and I
saw an alien ship...
...hovering.
It was a mothership.
It was obviously a mothership.
There were so many lights
on this ship.
It made
the sky sparkle.
I'd never seen an alien
ship before.
Oh, mama, mothership.
Oh mama, mothership.
Oh, mama mothership alien.
Oh, mama mothership
alien ship.
Mothership alien ship.
Mothership alien ship.
Can you see it?
It's like an alien ship.
Can you see it?
Look up!
Look up!
Sit down!
Sit down!
Sit down!
Sit down!
Look up!
Sit down and look up!
It wasn't doing anything.
Why aren't you doing anything,
mothership?
What's
going on here?
Am I hallucinating?
Is this a sign from God?
Is it a movie set?
Somebody forgot to tell
me I'm an extra in it.
I started asking all these deep
philosophical questions,
poignant questions.
And then, just like that, the
alien ship just jacked off.
Off to away from me.
It was like a second, and
then it was gone.
Disappeared and left
me with no answers.
It evaporated into the
fourth dimension.
I realized at that very
moment that life
doesn't have answers...
doesn't need answers.
Life is a mothership.
It hovers.
Kill freak!
Kill freak!
Kill freak!
Kill freak!
Kill freak!
Kill freak!
Kill freak!
Kill freak!
There was
kids on TV that
were starving in Africa.
Aww!
I didn't know
what to do, but the
mothership was with me.
I felt speechless,
horrible.
So I decided to write a song.
Those kids, bum, bum, bum.
Those kids, bum, bum, bum.
They die from diarrhea.
Those kids, bum, bum, bum.
Those kids, they die.
Ba-bum, ba-bum.
From diarrhea.
I sit at home and wonder
why they die from di...
bum, bum, bum...
di...
bum, bum, bum...
arrhea.
I entered that song in a
contest, and I ended up
winning money for it.
I turned that money
into gold bars, and I
donated that money to Africa!
And then I realized that I could
make a difference, which
is why I made a DVD.
You are so lucky for that.
Come on in here for
the real thing.
Woo!
Woo!
Trust me, trust me!
I feel
I can trust you, Val!
We trust you!
You seen this?
No.
Looks shitty.
I've seen all these.
Have you seen
this one, Reach?
Yeah.
It was awful.
Pick something funny.
How many
of you like gold?
Yeah!
Woo!
Invest in gold bars.
Invest in gold.
Get as many gold bars as you
can, and then bury them under
your bathtub.
As I'm saying this, forget
I'm saying it.
But then, do it.
Build a hidden safe-like
contraption under your bathtub.
Fill it up with gold bars.
Don't tell anyone.
Don't tell anyone your secret
code or your password.
You lock it up.
When you take a bath at night,
you'll be sitting on a
financial safety net.
I'm talking to you robotic
so that it goes
into your mind digital.
01010...
I don't know.
You'll be sitting
on a gold mine.
Woo!
Yeah, cotton candy!
Man, I don't
even feel like watching a
movie anymore.
Let's get a game.
You ever play Kill Freak?
I don't even know if this
place would have it.
You got Slaughter Haven?
Mm-hm.
What
about Kill Freak 2?
Oh, yeah.
Is it good?
Oh,
it's great.
Shit looks good.
I want you to
be healthy and strong.
I want you to be a century
old before you feel
ankle pain or wrinkle.
You need to last a long time.
You need to lasso the moon!
You need to be made
in America.
If you're not made in America,
get out, get out, get out!
But you are made in America.
If you're all made in America,
you'll make it in America!
Make it in America!
Some of you ride horses.
Some of you ride horses.
Stop riding horses.
What?
It's time
to find a job.
Let's all say that.
It's time to find a job!
That's right.
Did you recognize me?
Yeah, from movies,
probably, huh?
Yeah, I've done that.
But now I'm doing a whole kind
of a new thing, just reaching
out to people and just
talking to them.
A lot of times, the biggest
things in life
are unexpected, right?
Just seem to be random.
And just like talking to you two
tonight, like, we had that
experience.
It just like nothing
else in the world.
It's like the most important
thing, suddenly.
So I'm really happy
about that.
And that's something the Lotus
Community Center has given me.
It's like a real gift.
Oh yeah, there was something
that happened that I could
share with you.
It's really about the
fourth dimension.
When I close my eyes, I can
see a kind of world like
cotton candy, almost.
It's just light and fluffy.
And there's no more past, no
more future, no more convicts,
no more out of work,
no more bad times.
And I see it like a unity where
laughter heals, and
we're all a real family.
Not a fake family, not
a fake religion
family, but a real family.
And it's cotton candy-like.
I see that cotton candy
all over the world.
That's cool.
Let's
get out of here.
Adios.
Adios.
I went
to a bad school.
I went to a bad school.
There were no books.
Everyone got straight F's.
Everyone got straight F's.
Everyone got straight F's.
Everyone got straight F's.
Everyone got straight F's.
The cafeteria food
was basically poison.
Some of these teachers had metal
plates in their heads.
And one teacher coughed
up a lung.
But I realized I could
change the world.
And if I could, I would.
And I would make everything
the opposite of my school
experience, and I have.
Wow,
that is beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're
getting so
much better at that.
Sounds so nice.
Thank you.
And you're perfect like
the fireflies.
Did you see one tonight?
No.
Oh, it
was so great.
Light up the world.
How many of you
have won the lottery?
No one, because lottery
is code for moron.
Moron!
If you are a person
that's addicted to the
lottery, then I want you to cut
off one of your fingers
with a steak knife.
I want you to put it
in a glass jar.
I want you to put in a glass jar
and put it in your child's
bed at night next
to their head.
And when your kid
asks, why am I sleeping under
a severed finger?
You should say, it's a reminder
of my great idiocy.
The lottery is a scam.
How many of you
hate job interviews?
How many of you hate
job interviews?
Yeah, job interviews suck.
Stare at the person next to
you in a job interviewer.
Stare at him!
Stare at him!
When you go to a job interview,
wear loose pants.
Wear loose pants.
Do not wear velvet when you
go to a job interview.
Velvet killed Elvis.
Velvet killed him!
Velvet
killed Elvis.
How many of you like safe sex?
Safe sex can also be unusual
and glamorous and perfect.
But velvet killed Elvis.
Velvet killed Elvis.
Sometimes it's
all so beautiful.
I don't know what to
do with myself.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, Val,
I know what you mean.
Who loves
hardcore?
Suck it up, drain it down,
squeeze it out, push it until
it floats out.
Love is hardcore.
Love is hardcore.
Love is hardcore.
Love is hardcore.
CROWD CHANTING "LOVE
IS HARD CORE"]
I'm a drill sergeant
to your heart.
I'm a drill sergeant
to your heart.
The oil is gold, and
it's cotton candy.
I have children.
Do you have children?
I had my first child born
in the hospital.
I had a great doctor.
He was from Syria.
He'd been an army general.
When he was
delivering the baby, he looked
at, and he winked.
He whispered in my ear,
this is easy as pie.
Just have to deliver a baby
with the right tools.
When I had my second child with
my ex-wife, I bought a
swimming pool.
I was determined to have
the baby myself,
born in my back yard.
When the baby shot out, I
realized I needed to cut the
umbilical cord.
I looked around.
I noticed I didn't have anything
to cut it with.
That's when my wife screamed
to me, "get the hedge
clippers, the garden shears we
used to go cut flowers with.
I cut the umbilical cord,
and it worked perfectly.
That's when I remembered that
the doctor told me anyone can
deliver a baby if you've
got the right tools.
Now, we're are all babies.
We're not convicts
and outcasts.
We're newborns.
We're babies.
It's time for you to find
the right tools.
You fly away now.
You scrape off the afterbirth
and kick it
into the fourth dimension!
What is the fourth
dimension, you ask?
It is simply Heaven on Earth.
It is security.
It is the land of the
more worries.
It is enlightenment.
It's the beautiful
balance of light.
It comes in circles and waves.
Smells like chocolate.
It floats through machine gun
fire and volcanic ash.
It's invincible and
utterly whole.
If you listen to
what I say, then you will have
each entered the fourth
dimension.
You'll know the great secrets.
Breathe it in.
Everybody got their
eyes closed.
Here we go.
Let's get into the
fourth dimension.
It's light and fluffy.
Breathe it in now.
You're no longer unemployed,
you kings and queens of the
fourth dimension.
I depend on you.
You depend on me.
The next generation of thinkers
and innovators, great
minds of the hidden generations,
the do-gooders,
pleasure providers, the Hell
destroyers who are going to
find cures for every
awful disease.
You're going to reveal
perfection on Earth.
Breathe it in.
Smell the healing.
Nice.
Cotton candy.
Cotton candy all
over the world.
Now go out and get
stuck in it.
Chill out.
Don't worry, I'm
sure you'll survive.
Shoot.
Damn,
you're good.
You!
You, you, you, you, you,
you, you, you, you!
Question.
How can I
be more like you, Val?
How can I be more
like you, Val?
There are no
impossibilities, but I can't
help you with that.
Let's dance.
Let's dance.
Let's dance.
Oh, now we're the same person.
We're the same person.
Yes, yes!
Thank you, Val!
Thank you.
Yes.
My wife and my
two kids and I don't have a
place to stay.
I live in my van.
You live in a van?
Yeah.
But at least
you've got a van.
Woo!
I don't
have a van.
I don't have a van.
I've got a bicycle.
I don't have a van.
I don't have a van.
Has it got tires?
Yes.
You're blessed.
How do I
find a girlfriend, Val?
Are you
kidding me?
I can't
find a girlfriend.
You stand outside.
You'll find one.
Not now.
Not now, madcap.
Woo, thank you very much!
You're beautiful!
Woo!
Woo!
Welcome to the
Lotus Community Center.
Welcome to the Lotus
Community Center.
Welcome to the Lotus
Community Center.
Welcome to Lotus Community
Center.
Velvet
killed Elvis.
But mentally, raise your
hand if you're a fatty.
I'll take a vibe jack.