1
Here's our stop, come on.
This time next week... California!
You excited?
Me, too. I can't wait.
Were you ever there?
Once, for six weeks,
touring with some musical.
In the middle of December we went swimming.
- Which musical?
- What's the difference?
I'm tryin' to tell you
how beautiful it's gonna be.
We're gonna look for a little house
way up in the hills.
Near the movie studios?
Yes, your window will face Warner Bros.
You can watch them blow up
the world from your bed. All right?
Oh, God. Can you imagine
your very own orange tree? And lemons!
I think the musical was Fiddler on the Rool.
I stayed with Grandma. I was 4.
You were never 4. You were born 26!
Do you think I'll be in the same grade?
Of course you will! Everything's the same
out there, only it's three hours earlier.
You'll graduate younger.
A girl from California's in our class.
She went to school
with Helen Reddy's daughter.
What about you?
After this picture they'll be saying:
"There goes Tony DeForrest's little girl."
Yeah, but he's not a star,
he's just an actor.
Stars have to be actors first.
- And he's not really my father!
- You're such a stickler for details!
Can I show Tony all my things first?
Later. You have homework to do.
We're moving in four days.
Do I have to do homework?
Suppose between now and Friday
they teach brain surgery?
I wouldn't want you to miss it.
We had it last week in science.
- Are you serious?
- Dumb! You know you're dumb!
I thought maybe in frog dissection.
What do I know?
Can I just show him my new sweater and jeans?
All right!
But wash your face and brush your hair.
And no makeup!
Tony?
Sweetheart?
You in the bathroom?
We cleaned out Alexander's!
We bought everything on sale...
...so you'd better like it
'cause we can't exchange it.
I bought you a present. Babe?
Come out and see!
Babe?
Oh, my God!
What happened?
He's gone!
He left without us!
For California?
For Italy.
- Can I read it?
- Yeah.
"Dear Paula,
this isn't an easy letter to write."
Doesn't start off too good, does it?
"Where in the hell do I begin?
"You know, you and the kid mean a lot to me."
The kid?
"I turned down the job in L.A.
It was just a lousy TV picture anyway.
"On Monday, Stan Fields called.
"I got the Bertolu..."
Bertolucci.
"Bertolucci picture."
- Who's Bartolucci?
- An Italian director.
What'd he direct?
What are you asking questions
like that now for?
"It's six months shooting in Spain and Italy.
"It's a hell of a part, and I want it.
I broke my ass..."
- Give me that!
- "Ass!" I've heard the word before.
"I broke my ass for 12 years and things
are finally beginning to break for me.
"I told you when you first moved in here
that it was never going to be permanent.
"I'm not even divorced from Patti yet."
Who's Patti?
- I told you about her.
- No, you didn't.
I thought you would be upset if you knew
you were living with a married man.
I wasn't living with him, you were.
I was in the next room.
They were practically divorced.
"I left early today because I didn't think
a goodbye scene would do us any good."
This is one of the worst letters
I've ever read in my whole life.
Isn't it terrible?
"I wish I had something
to leave you and the kid."
He didn't leave us anything?
"I had to sell my watch and camera
to pay off the loan sharks."
He owed money to sharks?
I'll explain it some other time.
"But I know you'll be all right.
You can always go back to dancing."
Dancing? I'm 33. I can hardly walk anymore.
"You deserve more than I can give.
"I wish the both of us
all the luck in the world.
- "Love to the kid."
- Don't read anymore.
There's just one more word: "Tony."
Throw it away!
Does this mean we're not going to California?
Yes.
That means I have to do my homework, right?
I see you, Paula. You can't hide from me!
Down, up and over.
Once again!
What have you done to your body?
It died! Have a little respect.
Once again.
Come on, Paula, push.
Paula?
Donna. Donna Douglas.
I was the swing girl
when you were in Company.
Oh, yes! Hello, Donna.
Tough getting back into shape?
It's been two years. It's amazing
how flabby you get when you're happy.
Hi, Mrs. Crosby.
You leavin' tonight or in the mornin'?
I'm sorry, what was that?
Just checkin' on what time
you'll be vacatin'.
We're not going to California.
I forgot to tell you.
I'm not the only one you forgot to tell!
That apartment's been sublet.
Wait a minute!
What? What are you talking about?
We're paid up through June.
We have three more months.
You can't sublet that apartment!
I'm not! Your young man did, honey.
He sublet our apartment?
He notified me last night.
It's his name on the lease.
He can do what he wants.
Make sure you leave it like you found it.
I'm not leaving it!
I cleaned it and painted it and decorated it!
It's mine!
I don't care what he's done!
I'm not getting out! Do you understand?
That's none of my business, honey!
You can take that up with the sublettee.
I just don't want no trouble in my building.
That bastard! That no good bastard!
Who's that?
I don't know.
Maybe it's Tony! Maybe he changed
his mind and came back.
You're so young.
Stay there.
Who is it?
Elliot Garfield.
Who?
Elliot Garfield, from Chicago! Is Tony in?
There's nobody by that name here.
Wait a second.
3A, this is the right apartment.
I was here once about two years ago.
I don't care what apartment you've got,
there's no whatever-his-name-is here.
Could you open the door for a second?
Not at 12:05.
You got a latch, you can keep it on.
I just want to talk to you for one second.
Make it fast. My husband's sleeping.
I think there's been a mistake.
I sublet this apartment
from a friend of mine, Tony DeForrest.
- He lives here.
- That'll be news to my husband, Charlie.
I have a receipt here in my pocket
for three months rent.
I was supposed to arrive tomorrow,
but I came a day early...
...because I'm starting work in the morning
and I figured I could spend the night here.
You look confused.
Can I talk to your husband?
He'll be at the 37th Precinct
at 9:00 in the morning.
Charlie D'Agostino, Homicide. Good night.
Who was it?
Never mind.
Didn't sound like a "never mind" to me.
Tony rented the apartment to someone,
but I'm not giving it up. It's ours.
Go to sleep.
He rented the apartment.
You mean we have to leave?
Over my dead body.
What if they force us?
Let 'em try. Go to sleep.
He rented the apartment. What a shitheel!
- Hello?
- Hello. Is Tony there, please?
Who's calling?
You know who's calling. I was just there.
I recognize your voice, Mrs. D'Agostino!
Mrs. Who?
D'Agostino! How come your telephone
answers to Tony DeForrest's number?
And how come the key he sent me
Air Mail special delivery opens your door?
You want to answer those questions?
- No. Why don't you answer?
- I will.
I think the answer is
something fishy's going on up there!
I'm wet as a herring,
Mrs. Whatever-your-name-is...
...and I don't have a place to sleep tonight.
And I don't want to blow
my last few bucks on a hotel!
According to my non-waterproof watch...
...it's at least 12:20 and technically
that apartment belongs to me.
Do I come up there now
and we discuss this amicably...
...or do I storm the place in the morning?
I've got a gun! I'll use it if I have to!
Change? You got change for $1? Goddamn it!
I got a pregnant wife in the lobby.
I just want change...
We're in trouble, right?
We're not in trouble. We have our rights.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
What's the other tenth?
Shut up.
- Is that the last tenth?
- Go to bed. I will handle this.
Hello?
I called the 37th Precinct.
There's no Charles D'Agostino in Homicide.
Then I called Rita Scott,
an actress friend...
...who was in The Merchant of Venice
with Tony DeForrest.
Rita told me about a girl Tony's living with,
Paula McFadden...
...a former dancer
and her 10-year-old daughter.
She also told me that the apartment
is leased in the name of Tony DeForrest.
She knows this for a fact because
she lived with him, prior to Paula and Lucy.
Now, can we continue this conversation
in a drier room, Miss McFadden?
Take your problems up
with the Housing Authority!
Don't hang up!
Please? I don't have any more change.
I'm soaked to the bone,
and I have a very low threshold for disease.
Look, I don't know what Tony told you, but...
...he's got my money, and I got a lease,
and you got the apartment.
Now one of us got screwed!
Let me rephrase that.
We have to talk this out,
and I am in no condition...
...financial or health-wise,
to look for a hotel in the pouring rain.
If there's any such thing as the 78th St. Flu,
I think I've got it.
Why not take a shot in a convenient place?
Five minutes...
...that's all I'm asking! What is it?
In about 30 seconds we're gonna get cut off.
My number's 873-5261.
It's a flooded booth on Amsterdam Avenue.
If you have any compassion
in your heart whatsoever...
I'm tryin', Operator!
Any compassion in your heart,
you'll call me back. 873-5261.
That number again is 873-52... Oh, shit!
Hello, thank you!
Five minutes!
Leave your bags.
This isn't a permanent conversation.
- I'm dripping on your rug.
- It's been done before.
I'm sorry, I didn't know there were going
to be any complications.
There's a lot of that going around.
I don't blame you for being hostile.
I get the picture.
Tony rented me the apartment
and split with the money.
Then you and your daughter got dumped on.
That is your version.
My version is that Tony and I
amicably end our relationship.
We agreed I'd keep the apartment
and you and your $600 got dumped on.
- Get the picture?
- Very sharp.
That's very sharp!
You're a sharp New York girl, right?
No, a dull Cincinnati kid.
But you get dumped on enough,
you start to develop an edge.
So what's the deal?
I got a lease in my pocket.
You gonna honor it or what?
I got a daughter in my bed.
That tops the lease in your pocket.
I don't want to get legal.
Legal happens to be on my side.
I happen to have
a lawyer acquaintance downtown.
Now all I gotta do is call
this lawyer acquaintance of mine...
What?
An actor. Another goddamn actor!
"I happen to have a lawyer acquaintance."
Right out of Streetcar Named Desire.
- Stanley Kowalski in summer stock, right?
- Wrong! Chicago in the dead of winter.
Three and a half months
at the Drury Lane Theater.
Ask an actor a question, you get his credits.
Reviews?
"Garfield brings to Kowalski dimensions
even Brando hadn't investigated!"
Terrific! You write beautifully!
Aren't you a little short to play Stanley?
Nobody noticed. I stood on a table.
Are you a critic?
No, I love actors, as long as they stay
up on the stage where they belong.
You put them down in real life
and the whole world gets screwed up.
Well, I have had enough!
I am not getting kicked out
of the same lousy apartment twice.
You want your money back, go to Naples.
You want this apartment,
buy me two tickets to California.
I'll give you two minutes
to think it over before I yell rape.
You are really somethin', you know that?
I'm surprised Tony didn't take a job
in the Philippines.
I hope you're thinking, 'cause I'm counting.
Will you wait a second?
Just hold it! Can we make a deal?
- What kind of a deal?
- I don't know, I just got here.
- Can I have a cup of coffee?
- No!
Don't be bashful,
just say what's on your mind!
All right, here is the situation...
I know the situation!
Let me say it out loud.
I don't believe this myself!
Number one, I have a job off-Broadway
but no place to sleep tonight.
Number two, you don't have any money,
but you've got my apartment.
And you have a daughter to think about.
I am thinking of her right now!
Do me the courtesy of hearing me out! Please!
You are not the only one
who can scream "rape," you know.
We are both in a bind, the two of us.
I think the only practical solution
is that we share the apartment.
I accept.
What?
I accept. I may be stubborn
but I'm not stupid.
Mean it?
I have a daughter who goes to school
and I have to start looking for a job.
You have a key! I'd have to stand guard
all day long to keep you out.
I accept. You win. Get your bags.
You get the small bedroom.
What the hell am I getting myself into?
I'm in the wrong room.
Hi, I'm Elliot.
Hello.
- You must be Lucy.
- That's right.
Elliot Garfield.
I'm moving into the other room.
I'm a friend of Tony's.
You know, Tony DeForrest.
That's nice.
- I'm an actor, too.
- Yeah?
Well, your mother knows.
I see.
- Guess I'll be seein' you around.
- I guess so.
Good night.
Jesus.
Just met Lucy.
- What did you tell her?
- I was moving into the other room.
- She seemed to take it in stride.
- You grow up fast in this apartment.
The john is right over there.
I'll get the rest of her things out
in the morning.
Would you stop grinding your teeth for two
seconds? The noise is driving me crazy.
A dripping stranger from Chicago,
with a wet beard and dirty shoes...
...moves into my daughter's room
and you expect smiles?
You're dynamite. I love listening to you.
I hate living with you,
but your conversation is first-class.
This is your room.
I do not clean or make beds.
You may use the kitchen
or the bathroom when I am not in it...
...and wash it up when you are through!
You pay for your own food,
laundry, linens and phone bills.
I would appreciate some quiet
between 6:00 and 9:00...
...as that is when Lucy does her homework.
I don't care what you drink or smoke...
...as long as it is not grass
in front of my 10-year-old daughter.
- Do we have everything straight?
- No!
- No?
- I'm not crazy about the arrangements.
- You're not?
- Definitely not!
I'm paying the rent. I'll make the rules.
I like to take showers every morning
and I don't like panties drying on the rod!
I like to cook, so I'll use the kitchen
whenever I damn well please.
I'm very particular about my condiments,
so keep your salt and pepper to yourself!
I play the guitar in the middle of the night
when I can't sleep.
I meditate every morning
with chanting and burning incense...
...so if you must walk around
I'd appreciate tiptoeing.
Also, I sleep in the nude, a-buff-o...
...winter and summer, rain or snow,
with the windows open.
Because I may have to go to the potty
or the fridge in the middle of the night...
...and because I don't want to put on
jammies, which I don't own anyway...
...unless you want a thrill,
or your girl an advanced education...
...l'd keep my door closed.
Them's my rules and regulations.
How does that grab you?
- If I say no?
- I got a lawyer acquaintance downtown!
- I accept!
- We're movin' along.
I don't like it and I don't think I like you!
- 'Cause I'm an actor?
- Coupled with your personality.
That's probably why we were
thrown together. One of God's little jests!
Now if you'll move your shapely little fanny
out of my room...
...l'll unpack and dry my beard.
- You forgot to say good night.
- I was working on goodbye.
Unbelievable!
How long is he gonna stay?
As long as he lets us.
- Go to the bathroom.
- I don't have to go now.
Then save it till morning.
It's not safe out there.
Good night.
No kiss?
I'm angry. I don't want to lose it!
Christ!
Listen to that. Did that guitar wake you?
No, you did.
Sorry.
Is he gonna play that thing all night?
- Put a pillow over your ear.
- I'll smother.
It's better than that guitar.
Who is it?
- Very funny. May I come in?
- Door's open.
- Are you decent?
- I am decent.
Do you realize it is 3:00 in the morning
and my daughter...
Jesus Christ, you're naked!
I thought you said you were decent.
I am decent! I also happen to be naked.
Mr. Garfield, I have
a growing daughter inside...
...who won't grow
on two hours of sleep a night.
Do you have to play that thing at this hour?
I told you it helps me fall asleep.
- Have you ever tried pills?
- I don't know how to play "pills."
It's not hard!
You pop them in your mouth and swallow.
I am a person of health.
I do not put unnatural things in my body.
Music is one of nature's sedatives.
If you'll listen instead of fighting it,
we'd all be asleep in five minutes.
However, if you insist,
take two sleeping pills...
...and stick one in each ear.
He won't stop!
I have a lawyer acquaintance, too, I can get.
Just take deep breaths, count to 100.
I'm sorry, baby.
I'm really sorry I got you
in the middle of all this mess.
What's that?
Sounds like God.
5:55.
Boy, does God get up early!
I smell strawberries burning.
That is incense.
What's incense?
It is what I am feeling right now.
You know it's 5:55...
...in the morning?
Isn't there a church where you could do that?
You finished? Is that the last chorus?
I am in a blissful state, so don't bug me.
Is this going to be a regular routine?
Guitars at night, humming in the morning?
I've been in musicals
that didn't have that much music.
This morning I start rehearsals
for my first New York play.
Probably the most important day of my life.
Am I nervous?
No, I'm not nervous.
Because I have meditated, I am relaxed...
...I am calm...
...I am confident.
You, on the other hand, have not meditated.
Therefore, you are a pain in the ass.
Today happens to be a very important day
for me, too.
I am auditioning for a new musical
this morning.
I slept 17 minutes last night,
thanks to you...
...and with the bags I have under my eyes,
unless it is about little old ladies...
...I don't have a chance in hell.
Are you listening to me?
What is that slop
you are putting in my dishes?
Granola, wheat germ, soya,
lecithin, natural honey.
My body is a temple, and I am worshipping it.
It's what gives me my energy, my vitality,
and my natural disposition.
I'm 63 years old, and look at me.
Can I fix you a bowl?
This isn't going to work.
I really don't know you well enough
to truly dislike you...
...but you are just too weird to live with.
Why don't you try to find another place...
...and I'll pay you the $600
as soon as I get a job?
You're forgetting that this is my apartment.
You're living here
on an Elliot Garfield grant.
You ought to try this.
It's got whole bran in it.
My feeling is your whole problem
stems from irregularity.
Okay, let's take it from the top.
Up the tempo, performance level, please.
Paula?
Oh, my God. You scared me!
I thought it was my turn.
Thank you. The boy in the gray slacks,
the girl in the green socks...
...and the girl in the red scarf, please.
Fred, Valarie and Darina, please wait.
The rest of you, thank you very much.
- How you feel?
- So old.
I saw a girl before who goes
to Lucy's school.
Paul Keiser, Don Wallace, Cynthia Robbins...
...Carla Williams, Susan Weinstein,
Donna Douglas...
...and Paula McFadden, onstage, please!
- Think positive!
- Mention it to my legs.
Two rows, please, the girls in the front.
Paula, is that you?
- Yes.
- Ronnie Burns.
Ronnie! Hello!
I thought you gave all of this up.
I did. I just picked the wrong one
to give it up for.
You been keepin' in shape?
Yes, terrific.
- You want to show me?
- Not unless I can take a written test.
Okay, Eddie.
Just a few basic, impossible steps, kids,
so pay attention.
I'll give you the counts first.
Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, touch, drag.
From the top. Up to tempo,
performance level, please!
Just a minute, please.
Robert DeLurie and Cynthia Robbins,
please wait.
The rest of you, thank you very much
for coming in.
A little rusty, Paula, but not bad.
My problem is I need 'em very young.
Young? Okay I'll work on it.
The next group, onstage please!
Now, what about Richard? The question is...
...and this may seem perfunctory,
was Richard actually deformed?
Historically, we know he was born
with severe curvature of the spine...
...thus giving the impression
that he was hunchbacked.
There was some paralysis
of the left hand and right foot...
...Olivier chose to play the right hand
and left foot, God knows why...
...as well as nerve damage
to the right cheek and eyelids.
The man was your basic gimp! Let's face it.
All of which brings us, bless the wise
and rich Mrs. Estelle Morganweiss...
...to this production.
Is that the way we want to play Richard?
If you do, then this director
would just as soon...
...do a six-week stint
on the Sonny and Cher Show.
Richard III was a flaming homosexual.
So was Shakespeare, for that matter...
...but the angry mob at the Globe Theatre
wasn't going to pay two shillings...
...to see a bunch of pansies
jumping about on the stage.
It was society that crippled Richard,
not childbirth.
Read your text.
He sent those two little boys
up to the tower...
...and nobody ever saw them again.
We know why, don't we?
What I want to do here is to strip
Richard bare, metaphorically.
Let's get rid of the hump.
Let's get rid of the twisted extremities
and show him the way he would be today.
The Queen who wanted to be King!
- Yes?
- Question.
Are you serious?
What's the objection, Elliot?
Number one, I have to play it.
Number two, I like the hump and the clubfoot.
Number three, I've been workin'
on the part for months.
I respect that.
That's why we're here, isn't it?
To exchange ideas.
Tell me, how do you see Richard?
Mr. Macho? Is that it?
I don't think the guy is a linebacker
for the Chicago Bears...
...but let's not throw away
one of his prime motivations.
What's that?
He wants to hump Lady Anne!
Yes, I've heard that before.
I don't want to pressure you.
Let's just try it my way.
Let's read through the first act.
Please, trust me.
Act 1.
- Scene 1.
- Excuse me!
Just how far off the diving board
do you want me to jump?
Don't give me Bette Midler
but let's not be afraid to be bold.
- Bold?
- Bold.
"Act 1, Scene 1.
"Enter Richard, Duke of Gloucester."
"Now is the winter of our discontent Made..."
Sorry. Excuse me. One second.
"Now is the winter...
"Now is the winter of our discontent..."
May I have a five-minute break, please?
Five minutes!
Five-minute break, everybody!
Thirty-nine. Oh, my God.
Forty.
That's all? I can't do anymore.
60! You said 60!
No, the muscles are gone! I can't dance!
It was a dumb idea.
I am going to put you up for adoption.
Get your old mother a Coke.
Fattening.
Get me the Coke.
Mother doesn't want
to beat the crap out of you.
No willpower!
I've died.
I've truly died.
Enter, sweet Anne.
- You live alone?
- Yeah!
Fortunately, the other people who live here
also live alone.
Let me take your coat.
Thanks.
Hey, Lucy, this is Rhonda.
Rhonda, Lucy. Lucy, Rhonda.
- Hello.
- Hi.
What are you doin'?
Sitting on my mother.
Sounds like fun. You want to keep it down?
Rhonda and I will be workin'
in my bedroom. See you later.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I'll bet.
I heard voices. Was that him?
He took two apples.
- Did you write it down?
- I didn't have a pencil.
I told you, write everything down.
If he takes a glass of water, write it down.
We're not running a hotel.
Why don't you like him?
Who invited him? That's why I don't like him.
If he were a lawyer or a doctor
instead of an actor, would you like him?
I wouldn't like him if I liked him.
He grates on me.
I think he's kind of cute.
He reminds me of a dog that nobody wants.
You are never to think he's cute, never.
Why'd he want two apples?
One for him, one for her.
What her?
He's got a girl in there.
In my house! A girl in the bedroom?
Why didn't you say something?
I'm sorry. You want me
to write girls down, too?
- You knocked?
- Can I talk to you in private?
It's a bad time. How about at breakfast?
Is that a girl in there?
I certainly hope so.
Not in my house.
I won't put up with this sort of thing.
What sort of thing?
You have a girl in your room
and I don't object.
This is Paula McFadden.
Mac lives just down the bedroom apiece.
Mac, this is Rhonda Fontana,
a gifted and rising young actress.
Don't rise.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Can we talk? This is serious.
Take a break!
- Out!
- Out?
Her, out! They have motels
for that sort of activity.
I have an impressionable
10-year-old daughter...
...and this isn't one of the impressions
I want her picking up.
Now you get that "rising young actress"
the hell out of there!
Out of where? Out of
my rented apartment you're staying in...
...out of the goodness of my heart?
I will bring home anyone
or anything I choose...
...including a one-eyed
Episcopalian kangaroo...
...if that happens to be
my kinky inclination.
As for what's going on, we're rehearsing
Act 1, Scene 4 of Richard III.
I have a cretin from Mars directing the play
and I need all the help I can get.
However, if I choose to attempt to have
carnal knowledge of that gorgeous bod...
...that'll be her option, my problem,
and none of your business.
What do you think was Lucy's impression
of what was going on...
...in Momma's bedroom with
Tony "love 'em and leave 'em" DeForrest?
Why don't you turn off some of the lights?
We're runnin' up a heck of a bill.
You okay?
I'm fine. Let's go to sleep.
Are you upset because
they're messing around in there?
They are not messing around.
They are doing Act 1, Scene 4
from Richard III.
Did it ever bother you about Tony and me?
I mean, not being married
and living together?
No.
I wanted to get married.
He couldn't get a divorce.
That's okay.
I just wanted to know how you felt.
Socks in the hamper, please.
Is that song from Richard III?
Let's brush our teeth.
Oh, God, please let me be hit by...
...a rich man in a Rolls-Royce.
I think I can swing that.
Thank you.
No, I mean it.
It's funny you should say that.
What did I say?
There's an outside chance
that I can get us both a job...
...at the Auto Show at the coliseum.
It's only two weeks but the money's not bad.
Any money's not bad. What do we have to do?
Just look pretty, point to the cars
and say, "terrific."
I can do that. I can point
and say, "terrific."
This friend's going to let me know
this weekend.
Just keep it a little quiet.
What a nice person you are.
You didn't have to tell me.
I feel kind of related.
I lived with Bobby all last year.
Bobby who?
Bobby Kulick, your ex-husband!
Oh, Bobby. The marriage slipped my mind.
"...as you are weary of the weight,
"Rest you, whiles I lament
King Henry's corse.
"Stay, you that bear the corse,
and set it down.
"What black magician conjures up this fiend,
"To stop devoted charitable deeds?
"My lord, stand back,
and let the coffin pass.
"Unmanner'd dog! Stand thou, when I command:
"Advance thy halberd higher than my breast,
"Or, by Saint Paul,
I'll strike thee to my foot..."
My careereth is over.
I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth!
- What?
- Mark, I'm begging you!
You want this kind of performance,
let me play Lady Anne.
All right, let's take five, everyone!
Five minutes.
You're unhappy, Elliot?
Unhappy? No.
I am freaking petrified.
The critics are going to crucify me, Mark...
...and gay liberation's gonna hang me
from Shakespeare's statue by my genitalia!
You gotta help me, Mark!
- What do you want, Elliot?
- I want my hump back!
I want my clubfoot!
I want a little paralysis in my right hand.
I don't mean a lot, just a little.
Two stiff fingers, a little motivation.
I see. You want to play it safe.
You want to give us your standard,
conventional Richard.
I can't argue with that.
They've been doing it that way for 400 years.
What do I know?
I'm lucky to get the part! I know that.
I come from Chicago!
We do things a little differently there.
We do the play as written.
That doesn't go over in New York. Terrific.
I respect you, Mark. I do.
You've done off-Broadway, I haven't.
I'm not a quitter.
You want me to do Richard III
like Tatum O'Neal, I'll do it.
Just don't let me look foolish out there.
You feel foolish?
I feel like an asshole!
I passed foolish on Tuesday.
- We have to trust each other, Elliot.
- I do.
- I was never going to let you do it like that.
- Thank God!
But do you see where I'm heading?
I'm trying, Mark.
Richard was gay, there's no doubt about it.
Let's use that as subtext.
We'll keep it, but now we can put back
the hump and the clubfoot.
- And the twisted fingers?
- If you like.
I love 'em. I'm crazy about 'em!
Then use them, baby,
and you'll see what I'm after.
Just try it my way.
I will never let you go wrong.
Haven't we met in our apartment?
Please. I enjoy shopping.
Don't ruin this for me, too.
Relax. We don't have to fight
until we get home.
- We need soap, darling.
- Not in my bathroom, you don't.
This is silly. If you get what you need
and I get what I need...
...we'll blow a lot of bread
gettin' the same things, including bread.
Why don't we have one shopping list
and split the bill?
On what items?
Food! Bathroom and kitchen cleansers,
everything...
...except male and female doodads.
In that area, you go your way
and I go my way.
We split everything?
Everything. I'll pay my full one-third share.
- One third?
- I'm not the one with the daughter.
Didn't Lady Anne wash her hands
the other night?
Quick. I like a quick girl.
Okay, right down the middle.
Okay.
Hold it! I'll take care of that.
Good idea, sharing expenses.
By the way, I need shoes next week.
A little Chianti? Can't have
Spaghetti Marinara without a little vino.
- You can on my budget.
- I'll blow for the booze.
Short of stature but not tight of pocket.
I'll be right out.
A bottle of your finest cheap Chianti,
please.
I have a nice California red for $1.80.
- $1.80?
- Right.
Nothing from Kansas?
No, seriously, this is a nice red.
- This goes with spaghetti?
- Perfect with spaghetti.
Thank you. It's under $2.00, right?
Yeah, $1.80 is pretty much under $2.00,
as far as I know.
- All right, thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
Take care. What the...
They took my bag! They took my bag!
What? Who?
In the car. They grabbed my bag.
Jumped out and grabbed it!
- It had everything in it!
- Those dirty bastards!
Aren't you gonna go after them?
After a speeding car?
Thanks a lot!
But they could be armed!
Do you want me to fight
with a can of tomato paste?
Just leave me alone!
I think you ought to call the police
and report it. I could call 'em for you.
I wish you were that helpful
while I was being robbed!
What do you want from me anyway?
I'm not a German Shepherd.
Oh, my God, it's them!
- Who?
- The ones who took my bag! Stop!
Where are you going?
What is this, Police Woman?
Get out of the way!
I'm gonna get a bullet
between my goddamn eyes!
Somebody, stop those men!
Wait!
Give me the bag! I'm not afraid of you guys!
Get out of the car!
I was just askin'.
Relax!
Just a simple question...
Thank you very much.
I had all my money in there.
Everything.
My last dollar in the world.
You and your goddamn Chianti.
What does Chianti have to do with it?
Why can't you at least thank me
for risking my life for you?
Did you get me my bag back? No.
So why should I thank you?
Why do I have such lousy luck
every time an actor comes into my life?
I hate all of you.
Get away from me!
Just get away.
I really don't think they robbed you
'cause I'm an actor.
After I graduated from Northwestern,
my first summer job was in Lake Michigan.
I did ten plays in ten weeks.
I really worked like a dog.
I had hepatitis and mumps and never knew it.
I thought I was just getting yellow and fat.
Which plays?
First play was Inherit the Wind.
I played the reporter.
Gene Kelly did in the movie.
Right. Very good.
He did a very nice job, too.
He didn't dig as deeply as I did.
Next I did Cyrano de Bergerac.
Jos Ferrer. I saw it last week on Channel 9.
I used half the nose, got twice the laughs.
It's style that counts, darling,
it is not makeup.
You don't think much of yourself, do you?
Pound for pound, I got the biggest ego
this side of St. Louis.
You gotta see the face
to appreciate the work.
What else? I taught drama for a semester
at Duluth Junior College.
- You taught drama? Far out!
- Very far out. It's up near Canada.
You want some more wine?
- Niente on the Chianti.
- That's good. You're terrific with words.
- You always pick the right ones.
- Words are the canvas of an actor.
His lips are his brushes, and his tongue,
the colors of the spectrum.
And when he speaks, he paints portraits.
- He's very classy!
- The kid's got a good eye.
Not like Tony. He wasn't a classy actor.
He was just, you know... sexy!
You don't think I'm sexy?
Are you kidding?
What do you know? You're 10 years old.
In three years,
I'll drive you out of your bird!
- It's after 9:00, do your homework.
- Five more minutes!
Talk more. We never had a good talkin'
like this at dinner.
Then I played Midsummer Night's Dream
on public television in Chicago.
I played the part Mickey Rooney did
in the movie.
- Puck!
- Right!
A lady producer from New York called me...
...and asked me to come to New York
and play Richard III off-Broadway.
And not off-Broadway,
it's off off off-Broadway.
Are we invited to the opening?
Do you really want to come?
The two of you. It's Tuesday night.
Tuesday's a school night.
We went to Tony's opening on a school night.
I said "no."
Shit! Shoot!
I'm sorry.
I think I'm in trouble. Good night.
Would you be interested in my bedroom?
Talkin' to me?
You can have the big bedroom
for an extra $50 a month.
Payable in cash right now.
We'll move into yours in the morning.
You mean a rent increase for getting what
I should have gotten in the first place?
No, thank you.
Would you be interested in lending me $50?
I'll either pay you 7.5 percent interest
or do your laundry. Take your pick.
They really cleaned you out?
Everyone from here to Italy.
I have $28 in change. I'll split it with you.
And starting opening night
I get $240 a week, so I'll make a deal.
I'll pay all the living expenses
until you get yourself a job...
...and I'll even do my own laundry.
I see.
And what do you get?
All you gotta do is be nice to me.
You go to hell!
Will you listen very carefully to me?
This may be the last time I talk to you.
Not everyone is after your magnificent body.
In the first place, it's not so magnificent.
It's fair, but it ain't keepin' me up nights.
I don't even think you're very pretty.
Maybe if you smiled...
...but don't go against your religion!
And you aren't the only person in this city
to get dumped on!
I myself am a recent dumpee!
I am a dedicated actor, Paula.
I am dedicated to my art and my craft.
I value what I do.
Because of a mentally arthritic director,
I'm about to play...
...the second greatest role in the history
of the English-speaking theatre...
...like a double order
of fresh California fruit salad!
When I say "nice," I mean nice!
You know, decent and fair.
I deserve it, 'cause I'm a nice,
decent and fair person.
I don't want to jump on your bones!
I don't even want to see you in the morning.
I'll tell you what I do like about you.
Lucy! Lucy's your best part!
Lucy is worth puttin' up with you for.
So, here is $14 for the care and feeding
of that terrific kid.
You get zip-a-dee-do-dah!
You want any money, borrow it
from your 10-year-old daughter!
I'm now going inside my room to meditate
away my hostility towards you.
Personally, I don't think it can be done!
"And still, as you are weary of the weight,
"Rest you, whiles I lament
King Henry's corse.
"Stay, you that bear the corse,
and set it down.
"What black magician conjures up this fiend,
"To stop devoted charitable deeds?
"My lord, stand back,
and let the coffin pass.
"Unmanner'd dog! Stand thou when I command:
"Advance the halberd
higher than my breast..."
Good! Good!
"I would they were, that I might die at once;
"For now they kill me with a living death.
"Those eyes of thine from mine
have drawn the salt tears,
"Shames their aspect
with store of childish drops:
"These eyes, which never shed
remorseful tear,
"No, when my father York and Edward wept...
"To hear the piteous moan
that Rutland made..." What is it?
- Am I disturbing you?
- Yes!
- I'm sorry.
- Then don't disturb me!
- You don't have to snap at me.
- I wasn't snapping! I was sarcastic!
Snapping is, "Bug off, I'm busy!"
Get the difference?
- What's wrong?
- What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.
What makes you think something's wrong?
You open Richard III in front of
New York critics, with a chartreuse hump.
You play Richard with a crippled, paralytic
hand and pink polish on your nails!
I'm trying to figure out how to save
my goddamn career, that's what's wrong!
What do you want? No, don't tell me.
I know. I dipped
into your peanut butter, right?
How much do I owe you for a finger-full
of chunky Skippy spread?
I just came back to pay you your $14.
I got a job.
And also to ask you if you happen to have
some bicarbonate. Lucy's sick.
What's wrong?
She had two double-chocolate sundaes
for dinner.
It's my fault, I ordered them.
You're incredible!
I'm surprised they don't sell
insurance policies to children!
- Is that bicarbonate?
- Don't start with me!
How's it feelin', Luc?
- Did you see The Exorcist?
- Yeah.
Then you'd better get out of the room.
You're going to be okay.
Turn over on your back.
Relax.
Come on, don't you trust me?
I trusted my mother today
and look how I feel.
I want you to take slow, deep breaths.
Go on.
Now.
That's it.
Watch.
You think you can do this?
I might be able to manage it.
Eyes closed, Luc.
Keep breathing deeply.
Deep breath. That's it.
How's the play going?
One sick person at a time.
Close your eyes.
- Feeling any better?
- A little.
Isn't this more soothing than medicine?
It tastes better, too.
Can we go to the opening?
You still owe me a present.
Today was the pits.
Sure. Anything you say.
Terrific. Now you have to get me a dress.
Thank you.
I'm really sorry about yesterday.
It was very generous of you.
I'm not used to the kindness of strangers.
I know, don't say it.
Blanche DuBois in Streetcar.
Sometimes I feel just like her.
You start to trust a man and they take
you away at the end of the movie.
Anyway...
I'm sorry for...
Well, I'm just sorry.
If you're listening, this is my attempt
at being nice, decent and fair.
How am I doing?
Mr. Garfield?
Wake up.
You can't sleep with my daughter.
Upstairs to the right. Thank you.
I hope this will be funny.
Is it a musical comedy?
- It's Shakespeare.
- Boring!
Look at the stubs and find our seats.
Over here.
Wait.
It's so exciting! Wait until you see it.
It is so contemporary and thrilling.
"Now is the winter of our discontent
"Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
"And all the clouds
that lour'd upon our house
"In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
"Now are our brows bound
with victorious wreaths;
"Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;
"Our stern alarums changed
to merry meetings,"
Sounds like that guy in the beauty parlor.
"Be patient, they are friends...
"...Ratcliff...
"...and Lovel.
"Here is the head of that ignoble traitor,
"The dangerous and unsuspected Hastings.
"I took him for the plainest
harmless creature
"That ever breathed
upon this earth a Christian;
"Made him my book...
"...wherein my soul recorded
The history of all her secret thoughts:"
Excuse me, please?
- Is it over?
- It is for me.
"So smooth he daub'd his vice with show..."
"A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
"Withdraw, my lord; I'll help you to a horse.
"Slave!"
Bravo!
But did you really love it?
I mean, really, really love it?
It was very interesting.
Oh, God! Everybody, she loved it!
My mother loved it!
Right through all those people.
Thank you.
Thank you. We're all so excited.
I have a feeling he'd rather be alone, Luc.
He'll know we thought it was lousy
if we don't say hello.
All right, but try and be tactful.
What's tactful?
Lie!
Hello!
Mr. Garfield? It's Lucy and me!
We just came back to tell you
how much we enjoyed it.
I had the best time.
At first I thought it would be boring,
but then it picked up near the end.
Okay, Luc. We won't keep you.
We just wanted to thank you
for the tickets and a lovely evening.
People were talking about you on the way out.
They wanted to remember your name
so they'd never forget it.
Good night.
I thought you were wonderful.
Peter?
You won't believe it.
I think I've got it sold.
Are you okay?
God, are you all right?
Thou hast broken thy vase.
Thou owest thee...
...$12.98, plus taxes.
Are you okay?
Not according to the Times!
Have you read the Times?
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
What are you doing?
The Times said:
"Elliot Garfield researched Richard III...
"...and discovered him
to be England's first...
"...badly-dressed interior decorator."
Tasty writing!
I never listen to critics.
Thank God.
Do you want to go on for me tomorrow night?
Daily News said...
Here, read it.
"It never occurred to us
that William Shakespeare wrote...
"...The Wizard of Oz.
"However, Elliot Garfield...
"...made a splendid
Wicked Witch of the North."
- Tacky!
- Oh, God.
Tacky! If you're gonna kill me...
- ...kill me with panache.
- I am really sorry.
What the hell! It's only a...
It's only a little New York debut, you know?
Ames, Iowa is where it really counts.
You don't make it in Ames,
then you got career trouble.
Oh, my God!
Channel 5 was honest.
Direct and honest.
"Richard III stunk!
"Elliot Garfield was the stinky..."
Am I in bed?
'Cause if I'm in bed...
...the springs are shot.
I thought you didn't put unhealthy things
into your body.
I don't. I was putting them into Richard's,
trying to kill the son of a bitch!
Please, you've got to go to bed.
This furniture isn't mine.
Do you think I'm defeated?
Do you think I'm discouraged?
Do you think I'm upset
over 14 unimportant, negative reviews?
You bet your ass I am, baby!
Sorry. This apartment is rated P.G.
I keep forgetting.
You were wonderful tonight. Really.
I was an Elizabethan fruit fly.
I was the Betty Boop of Stratford-on-Avon.
I was putrid!
Capital "P", capital "U", capital "Trid!"
I thought it was
an interesting interpretation.
Bullshit!
You didn't see their faces.
When I walked out onstage...
...210 people looking like they just got
a shot of Novocaine.
Tell me the truth. I want the truth, say it!
Say it, or I'll smash this priceless
$9.00 lamp all to pieces!
Was I putrid or was I not? Say it!
Yes, you were putrid!
You don't have to be so blunt about it.
I'm sorry.
Give that to me.
Thank you.
Though I had some good moments now and then.
Like walking on and walking off.
The rest was cacca!
Are you sure I can't get you anything?
- Some of your health vitamins?
- No, don't walk out on me, please!
Once a night is enough.
I'm here.
I'm listening.
I can play that part, you know.
I can play the hump off that guy.
I was better on the bus
coming from Chicago...
...than I was on that stage tonight.
"Now is the winter of our discontent
"Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
"And all the clouds
that lour'd upon our house
"In the deep bosom of the ocean buried"
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...
That is good.
It's wonderful. Honestly.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're really not
such a bad person after all.
Thank you.
But that "putrid" remark really hurt.
That really got to me.
I know. I don't know what came over me.
You try and get some sleep now, okay?
Don't tell Lucy about the Times.
I won't.
Or the News.
Or Channel 5.
Or Channel 2, 4, 7, 9 and 11.
I won't.
- Try to get some sleep.
- Good night.
Good night.
No autographs, please.
"Now is the winter of our discontent
"Made glorious summer by this sun of York;"
"One must always respect
brave and courageous attempts...
"...to explore Shakespeare
through new and daring concepts...
"...and even, if you will, irreverence..."
What's "irreverence"?
You'll find out.
"But Garfield and Bodine's Richard III
gives us less than...
"...a summer stock Charley's Aunt, without
the good-natured and inoffensive humor."
They didn't like it?
The man has two months to live. He's a cynic.
Which one of you Scotch-taped my tongue
to the roof of my mouth?
Would you like some coffee?
Not unless it has some bicarbonate.
Congratulations!
For what?
I didn't know what else to say.
Why do you let your child read pornography?
You want some puffed rice or Cocoa Puffs?
Starve a cold, feed a failure, eh?
Hello.
Yes, just a minute. It's for you.
I get the cover of Newsweek?
Hello. Hi, Harv.
Yeah, I read 'em.
I understand.
All right, I'll see you later.
There you go.
The minute you think your world's
collapsing, something wonderful happens!
What?
They closed the show!
I don't have to do it anymore.
- The American theater is saved.
- I'm sorry.
It's all for the best.
Now I'm free to take that other job.
- What other job?
- I'm looking.
C'mon, Luc, we're late. Get your jacket.
Listen, did you know that Spencer Tracy
got terrible reviews...
...the first time he was on Broadway?
No, he didn't.
I thought he did.
You know your daughter has a crush on me?
I've noticed.
How do you feel about that, Mom?
Not to take away from your personal charm...
...she had one on Tony, too.
They're fickle at 10.
And at 6 she had one on her father.
Come on. Wait for me downstairs.
Why?
Because I'm the mother, that's why.
What are your plans?
You mean my immediate plans?
Well, after breakfast I was contemplating
an aborted suicide attempt...
...and then think about welfare.
You're not going back to Chicago?
Chicago? No. Siberia, possibly.
- Your room is paid for. It belongs to you.
- Thank you.
If I decide to leave, I'll give you an address.
You can ship it to me.
If you stay, I could use some help with Lucy.
I won't be back in time to make her dinner.
- What I'm saying is...
- I accept.
Good! She has dinner at 6:00.
There are pork chops in the freezer.
Have a nice day.
Cute.
Definitely cute.
My name is Donna Douglas.
Welcome to the International Auto Show...
...and to the Subaru display.
How many of you have wondered
how the U.S. Ski team...
...those champs of the downhill,
get to the top of those steep hills?
The Subaru engine gives you
39 miles per gallon in highway driving...
...and 29 miles per gallon in city driving,
extraordinary performance.
The SEEC-T is a lean-burn approach
to combustion engines...
...and a spectacular design then eliminates
the need for power and fuel...
Mommy!
...eliminates the need for power
and fuel-robbing things.
The Subaru gives great performance
plus better mileage...
...with less emission from your...
She's up.
The front window is clearly visible
and was designed for maximum visibility...
...whether one is looking to the right
or to the left, or straight ahead.
I'm beginning to think
my Richard wasn't that bad.
- That woman!
- She must be confused!
The rear window is also designed
for maximum visibility...
...if one is looking out the back.
- Gee, that's a problem.
- I'm going to go tell her!
The tires are optional and attractive...
...and Consumer's Guide says that
the Subaru is a remarkable economy car.
Thank you very much.
And now I'd like to introduce you
to the rest of the Subaru line...
Time out, one minute. Un momento.
Thanks. I could've gotten fired except
they don't know the English word for it.
Why are you here?
You came to see me act,
I thought I'd come see you act.
I thought you were good.
One constructive comment. Study!
Learn your lines.
Next year you'll be ready for bigger parts,
like trucks and tanks.
- Did you have your dinner?
- No.
No? But it must be after 7:00!
What am I paying you for?
Paying me?
One petrified piece of pork chop
and an aging piece of brown celery...
...doesn't constitute payment.
Come here. I came to give you the kid.
I'm workin' tonight.
- He got a job!
- Didn't I say that?
- Acting?
- No, I didn't say that.
In the entertainment field.
I'll be back 2:00 a.m. Don't wait up!
You really look terrific. You're so cute!
I never knew you had a figure.
The man definitely wears me out!
He wears me out, too.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
That girl impressed me very much
with your car.
I'm in the taxi business
and I'm in the market for an entire fleet.
If you think you can handle it,
I'd like to come back and discuss details.
Hang on to that girl.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Erotic acts! Exotic acts!
See sexy, erotic, beautiful girls!
Sexy girls!
- What kind of show they got?
- Very dirty! Filthy show!
Next one in ten minutes.
- What do they do?
- I don't know! It's too dirty for the help.
Hey, get out of there! Come on!
You want to go inside?
Come inside, quick!
- What is it?
- There's a drunk onstage!
Throw that creep out of here!
I'm the doorman. When he comes down,
I'll open the door.
You want to get paid, or not?
Which one of you people
is causing all the trouble here?
You need any help, big fella?
Get him out of here!
Sit down so we can all enjoy the show.
All I want is a kiss. Just one little kiss.
I don't even know you
and I don't kiss on the first date.
They liked us! Get a seat! They liked us!
Get rid of that bum!
Come here, you little twerp.
I'm gonna bust your stupid face!
They don't want to see that!
You don't want to see the little twerp
get his face...
Tough crowd. Let's talk this over, okay?
We'll talk it over. My name's Tony.
What's your name?
- Earl.
- Earl what?
Earl this.
It's my first standing ovation.
You know what Cynthia Fine said?
Who is Cynthia Fine?
The girl in my class with the braces
and the big chest.
Elliot picked me up from school today
and Cynthia says he's got charisma.
I looked it up and he does.
All right, cut it out.
Cut what out?
Stop trying to make something between us.
Me? Cynthia Fine says...
Cynthia Fine, my behind!
Stop pushing me.
Who's pushing?
You are. Your fingerprints are
all over my back.
He's okay, all right?
Once in a while he even acts
like a regular human being...
...but stop pushing me
because that man is not my type.
- I heard that. What did you say?
- If you heard it, why are you asking?
What did you say?
I said your type never hangs around
long enough to stay your type.
That is a rotten thing to say.
I know. I just felt like saying it.
Sometimes I can be so goddamn furious
with you...
That was a stinky thing to do!
What happened to your eye?
I used it to stop a fist
from going through my face.
Oh, my God.
What kind of meat is this?
Veal parmesan. It's better than potato salad.
- Let me put some ice on it.
- I'm out of work again.
You two have nothing to worry about anymore.
I've decided that you can stay
as long as you like.
It's my only hope for survival.
- Something is bound to turn up.
- You think so?
Cynthia Fine thinks you've got charisma.
"Charis" yourself to bed young lady.
Put that on your eye.
What do you think I've got?
Do I "charis" you at all?
I'm not talking about talent-wise, you dig?
Talent-wise, I'm very secure.
Just appeal-wise, I'm a little shaky.
Come on, you can tell me. I can take it.
Am I as adorable as I think I am?
You are outrageous!
I cannot keep up with your energy.
They must pick you up on CB radios in Alaska.
You get the feeling
something is starting between us?
I graduated from high school 16 years ago...
...and that was the last time
I heard that line.
Out of my way, please. I have to sell
my little Japanese cars in the morning.
That's why you got the Kabuki makeup on?
And you let me stand there.
Give me a towel.
Don't you ever do that again.
Your lips may say no-no,
but your eyes say yes-yes.
Don't get cute with me!
You know your goddamn nose drives me crazy?
- What's wrong with my nose?
- It's pug. Very pug.
It shoots down straight,
but then it turns pug at the last second.
Don't.
- We have a hot infatuation here.
- I have no time for romance.
I have a daughter to save from rickets.
You drove me crazy the first time
I saw you through the crack in that door.
I said to myself, "This is the best
half a face I ever laid eyes on."
Don't make me laugh. I am not on your side.
The smell of your hair drives me nuts,
I'm telling you!
I could be sleeping, you walk by my door...
...my nostrils wake me up and say,
"Who's that comin' down the street?"
You're embarrassing me.
I'm 33. I'm not supposed
to get embarrassed anymore.
If you were a Broadway musical,
people would be humming your face.
Please, don't do this.
Don't make me feel happy.
I hate that "Goddamn, it's wonderful
to be alive" feeling.
Do not come into my life.
I just got through putting up fences.
Can I walk you to your door?
It's a rough neighborhood.
Yes, call me Elliot.
I've already bitten your neck.
Elliot! I am praying to God
this is gone in the morning!
The hell you are!
Meet me in the kitchen tomorrow night.
Dress casual.
- Where are you running?
- I want to see Lucy before she goes to bed.
Wait, I have a message for you.
The Maserati people are throwing
a small party upstairs at 21...
...and that guy, Giorgio, you know
the one that smells better than us?
He specifically asked for you.
"The girl with the laughing teeth."
I can't. I've got to go home.
I don't understand! That guy is gorgeous!
He told me to tell you that.
If it was any other time...
Elliot?
Are you up here?
Say something.
I don't like this.
I said it was formal, kid!
Party's got to be over by 9:00 a.m.
Otherwise, it's another $5 for the suit.
Don't panic!
Even Ginger was nervous
the first time she danced with me.
"How about you?
"I like a Gershwin tune
"How about you?
"I like the fireplace when the lights are low
"I like potato chips,
moonlight and motor trips
"How about you?"
What are you crying about?
So kill me...
...l'm a sucker for romance.
Elliot Garfield is a many-faceted individual.
I got a job.
A real acting job.
You did? Where?
The Inventory.
It's an improvisational group on Charles St.
They saw Richard III.
They said if I could do that,
I could do anything!
- Don't let it rain.
- Don't worry about it.
The suit's too big for me anyway.
I auditioned for them today.
It's improvisation, you understand.
Now, very difficult...
...but I auditioned with
this very talented girl, Linda...
Is she pretty?
No, very unpretty. Very ugly. Unpug-nosed.
I played Abraham Lincoln.
Mary Todd Lincoln's out of town.
General Grant takes me to a cathouse.
We're all tryin' to act very dignified...
Don't stop, I never danced in the rain!
The hell with dancing,
my pizza's getting drenched!
Wait.
I got it.
I'll get it.
What happened after you found out
about this other girl and Tony?
- Bobby. Tony comes after Bobby.
- Sorry.
It happens all the time on the road.
He's gone for six months with the play,
he gets lonely.
The only time you have a good marriage
is when your husband is in a flop.
He's broke, but he's home.
How'd you meet Tony?
I'm ashamed to tell you.
Why?
I saw him in The Iceman Cometh
at Circle in the Square.
He wasn't very good, but he was gorgeous.
I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
Don't ask.
I waited until he came out
of the stage door...
...and I introduced myself,
like a regular groupie.
A week later I moved in with him.
I used to do things like that.
Why?
When you dance in the chorus of a musical...
...the boys' voices are usually higher
than the girls.
After ten years of that,
you get very hung up on macho men.
Thank God I am over that period.
I think I'll let that remark pass.
Are we gonna sleep with each other tonight?
Of all the "right up front" girls I know,
you are the "right up frontest."
How do you feel about it?
Nervous.
A pushover, but nervous.
Good morning, everybody. No applause, please.
What's new this morning?
Nothing's new this morning.
Did you hear this kid Lindbergh
is gonna try to fly the Atlantic?
Who do you think'll play it in the movie?
She didn't sleep too well last night.
I guess no one did.
See you tonight.
We've been found out, have we?
I thought the kid was rootin' for us.
Don't call her "kid."
She doesn't like to be called "kid."
Sorry.
In Chicago it's an expression
of endearment...
...like "Hiya, kid." "How ya doin', kid?"
"What's wrong, kid?"
Nothing.
Really?
Glad to hear it.
Any buttered toast?
She's scared, that's all.
Lucy?
She's afraid what happened before
will happen again.
What is it with you two, are you partners?
I thought it was just you and me last night.
What happens in my life affects hers.
And I'm scared too.
Would you be terribly hurt
if we just forgot all about last night?
It's a little late.
I've already made an entry in my diary.
Look at me.
I am standing here with sweaty palms
and I have my hands in cold water.
I don't know what you're thinking
this morning.
Instead of asking
so goddamn many questions...
...you could at least say to me,
"Last night was wonderful."
Last night was wonderful.
Oh, my God. I must be crazy.
I keep doing the same damn thing
to myself, over and over again.
When am I ever going to learn?
I am not up to falling in love again.
It is too much work.
I think we would all be
a whole lot better off...
...if you just packed up
your things and left.
Nothing personal.
I think I have a clue now
as to why all those other guys left!
Crackers! Animal crackers, lady!
You got a severe case
of emotional retardation!
I'm not leaving, Paula! I'm escaping!
I will personally forward your mail!
Keep it! I'm not giving you
a forwarding address!
Lot of weirdos in this neighborhood.
But just in passing, I'd just like to say
that last night was terrific, okay?
It was the Super Bowl of romance.
I give it a fat nine on a scale of ten.
You lose one point for burping your wine,
but all in all it was a respectable score.
Don't you get glib about last night!
It was very important to me!
You want to lower your neurosis
for a minute, I'm not done.
- You want to know what your problem is?
- What?
You love to love somebody...
...but the minute that they take
the initiative, like I did last night...
...that scares the pants off of you!
Nothing off-color intended.
You didn't wait at any stage door for me.
I approached first. I touched first.
And you can't handle that, can you?
He is laughable.
And silly! You are the silliest man
I ever met.
And you know that I'm right!
If you don't let go of me,
I'll punch your other eye out!
Paula, you know yourself too well
to ignore what I'm saying.
That is exactly why I am trying to ignore it.
You know what we got here?
Taming of the Shrew is what we got here.
Despite the fact, Kate,
you're one large pain in the arse...
...last night was the best thing
I ever had, girl-wise.
If you weren't behaving
like such a horse's rectum...
...we could've been touching
and fondling all day...
...until about 5:00
when I got to go to rehearsal!
Personally, madam, I think you blew it.
Lady Anne! The Black Prince is dead!
England is yours!
You don't want England?
Would you take Spain?
Spain I can get you cheap.
What are you doing in that thing?
Come on, get in quick.
The horse has got a meter on him.
Where to?
"We're going home, to Tara!" Get in!
Cynthia Fine, right?
I think you got charisma too.
Lucy! Did you tell him? I never said that!
I'm gonna get you, Lucy, you big fink!
You want to go to my opening tonight?
I owe you a good time after the last one.
I have homework.
Why are you sore? Me and your mom?
It's none of my business.
Since you and I are exchanging rooms
tonight, I think it is.
I'm a little old-fashioned.
I want your approval.
Me? I'm only 10 years old.
I'm not allowed to vote yet.
I like your style, kid. I'm sorry.
I hear you don't like to be called "kid."
I'm a kid, it fits.
Do you like me?
You're wasting money.
I'm not enjoying this ride.
Answer my question. Do you like me?
Ask Cynthia Fine. She's crazy about you.
I'm gonna keep asking you
until you answer me.
- Do you like me?
- Can I get out? I'm getting nauseous.
Answer my question, goddamn it. Yes or no?
It makes no difference to me either way.
I'm movin' in with your old lady.
I just want to hear it from your own lips.
- Now, yes or no?
- No!
Yes.
- Was that a yes?
- Yes.
- A really, really, really lot?
- Yes, all right?
And as much as you like me, it's not.001...
...as much as I'm crazy about you.
I swear to God, Lucy.
You can cry all over yourself,
I'm gonna tell it to you anyway.
I am certifiably nuts about you
and your ditzy mom!
- So blow that into your handkerchief.
- I don't have one.
So cry on the horsey!
You know what I want more
than anything else in the whole world?
My very own living room set.
You know, it's a nice feeling
to hear real people applauding.
I took the names and addresses
of everyone in the audience.
I think we should have them
over for dinner real soon.
We definitely have to repaint the bedroom,
don't you think?
What?
I'm redecorating.
What color should we paint the bedroom?
Successful.
That's good.
Something is wrong.
It didn't come out right.
What's wrong with it?
In the first place, it's not on Park Avenue.
How many more weeks do you have
to play before I could get an armchair?
If you'll take one without arms,
about a year.
Momma Bear has done the cave real nice.
Where are you going?
I'm crazy about you.
I'm very fond of you myself.
You have some very nice qualities.
Leave Tuesday morning open.
Why, what's Tuesday?
How do blood tests strike you?
- It was a great audience!
- Four-star show!
I want to take the show home and bottle it!
I want to go home and sleep till Wednesday!
- There is no air in here.
- I can't do anything about it.
Give the actors some air!
We are human beings, not cattle!
Let's hear it for the actors!
Hello?
Who is that?
Hello. Oliver Frey.
Oliver Frey, the director?
I believe so.
It's nice to meet you.
Oliver Frey, what do you know?
Would you like to come in?
Pleased to meet you.
- It's very nice to...
- We won't keep you.
There was just one question I wanted to ask.
Would you be interested in a movie?
You mean making one?
We could go to one,
but I think working is much more fun.
With you?
Yes, I'm interested.
I am too.
Are you kidding?
Certainly, sure.
What are you doing out here?
You didn't lock yourself out again, did you?
Lucy, what is it?
At least we didn't get a letter this time.
Sending that stuff out to the laundry,
I hope.
I got a picture, Paula!
- What?
- I got a picture, I got a movie.
Shit.
Terrific picture. Oliver Frey is directing.
I've got to be on location
in Seattle tomorrow morning.
Seattle, Washington.
I know where it is. Far away.
Who cares? I'm not walkin'.
They left a first-class air ticket
at the airport for me.
Four weeks' work, $2,000 a week.
It's freaking Oliver Frey!
I forgot to ask what the part was.
That's wonderful.
I'm not making any comparisons...
...but whoever heard of Al Pacino
before The Godfather?
I couldn't be happier for you.
Jesus, I am so scared.
I spend 20 years building up my ego
and when I really need it...
...it locks itself in the john.
It'll come back to you, trust me.
What's wrong?
Come on, it's only four weeks.
That's one week less than five.
I know.
You don't know.
You think you're going
to get dumped on again, don't you?
If you say you'll be back,
why not believe you?
If I were you and I saw an actor packing,
I wouldn't believe him either.
You need any help?
I see you took everything.
They said it was going to be
really freezing up there...
...take all my warm clothing.
You know that I would take you if I could.
But it's rough country up there.
It's up in the mountains. There are wolves.
I don't mean in the movie either.
I mean real, hungry wolves.
I always got along fine with wolves.
Honey, I thought you'd be excited.
Jumpin' up and down.
It's what I've worked for my whole life.
Isn't that what a mature relationship
is about? I root for you, you root for me.
It's my third time up as cheerleader!
Okay, I get the point.
Forget it, I'm not going!
It's not worth it!
Not if it means I got to put you through
four weeks of hell...
...wondering whether I'm coming back.
Forget it! I won't go!
It's just a job, right?
Hell with it!
If I got this job I can get another job.
I'm lettin' it go! Okay?
The hell I'm not gonna go! That's crazy!
That's a dumb, stupid thing to do
because you don't trust me.
You have to trust me. Do you trust me?
I'll plan my days around it.
Goddamn them to hell! I hate those guys
that walked out of here.
I hate them.
I'm the only one that's comin' back
and I'm gettin' all the blame.
No, you go, Elliot. I want you to go.
If you come back, fine.
I'll be here putting up my wallpaper.
And if not, that's okay, too.
I'll miss you...
...but I'll survive.
'Cause I've grown up
these last couple of months.
Look at me. I'm all grown up.
It was better than spending a summer at camp.
I never felt better or stronger in my life.
Someone is walking out that door
and I'm not crumbling into a million pieces.
Jesus, it really does feel good.
Goodbye, Elliot.
You make a nice movie.
Have a wonderful career.
If you're ever up for an Academy Award...
...I promise you I'll keep
my fingers crossed for you.
What is it about you that makes a man
with 147 I.Q., feel like a dribbling idiot?
I don't know, but whatever it is,
I thank God for it.
You're welcome, God.
Interesting lesson I'm learning.
Really interesting.
It could be that falling in love
and becoming successful...
...is probably the worst thing
that could ever happen to a guy.
If my plane crashes in the storm,
I'm coming back here, Paula.
I mean it!
I'll be dragging chains around
this apartment when you're 90 years old.
So long, kid.
I'll see you, kid.
I can't sleep.
Give it five minutes, you just got into bed.
I can predict the future.
How about predicting mine?
I can hear the phone ringing in your life.
Hello?
Get dressed.
What?
Get dressed, you're coming with me.
What? Where are you?
On the corner, in my old leaky phone booth.
The plane had engine trouble.
We're delayed two hours.
I cashed in first-class for two economys.
- What do I do about Lucy?
- Don't worry about Lucy.
Call Donna.
She can stay with her until we get back.
Come on, Paula, the cab is ticking away
your new bedroom set.
I thought I couldn't come with you.
I'll tell them you're my analyst.
Actors are known to be very high strung.
And you really want me to come?
You sure love a love scene, don't you?
Yeah, I want you to come.
Then it's okay, I don't have to.
Just as long as you asked.
Paula, don't play games with me.
My socks are underwater.
No, you have enough work to do
without worrying about me...
...and besides, I have a lot of work to do.
I am going to be spending your money
on our apartment.
And I am nuts about you!
I hope I'm callin' the right number.
Will you do me a favor?
Anything, my angel.
Will you have my guitar re-strung?
- He left his guitar!
- He is coming back!
I never doubted it for a minute.
Wait. Oh, my God.
Wait!
I have it, sweetheart!
Have a safe trip.
I love you!
Never mind that. You're rusting my guitar!