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The Horse in the Gray Flannel Suit (1968)
[Hoofbeats Galloping]
[Horse Whinnying] [Hoofbeats Continue] [Chattering] [Woman] Excuse me, excuse me. Coming out. Excuse me. Ooh. Ah... - I think you've hooked something. Sorry, lady. - Really! - Good mornin', Joe. - Good morning, Mr. Bolton. Your horse get a flat on the parkway? Uh, got left at the tollgate. The wife and the kids said thanks for the tickets to the Aspercel broadcast. - Glad they liked it. - They didn't... but the wife said say thanks anyway. - [Chuckling] - Sixth floor! Tallyho! - Good morning, Mr. Bolton. - Good morning, Alice. Has the day's hysteria started? Yes, sir. Mr. Tomes said, "Are you here?" Mr. Pfeiffer sent up the layouts. Mr. Willis didn't come in on account of poison ivy. - And the meeting has been moved up to 9:15. - N-ni... Holy smoke. - Oh, Mr. Bolton! - Yeah? - Mr. Bolton! - What? Oh, I'm sorry, Alice. - Good morning, Fred. - Oh, hi. Let me be the first to give you the good news: Mr. Dugan is coming to your meeting. - Dugan? - Thomas Fitzpatrick "Eat 'em alive" Dugan... chairman of the board of Allied Drug and Food. - Mr. Aspercel himself. - I'm dead. - I know, but we're all behind you, my boy. - It's a good place to be. I wish I were there myself. Good morning, Catherine. Dugan's coming to the meeting. I know. The staff s inside having a nervous breakdown. Yeah, yeah, so am I. What time is it? 9:07. I've already sent the material upstairs. Bless you. This saddle's been making me sneeze all the way from Westhill. - Did you take your antihistamine? - Yeah, I've taken seven. Have a messenger pick this thing up, take it to the... Oh, Brockenhurst Saddle Shop on 48th Street. "Have seam stitched." Your daughter phoned. She said, "Daddy would be sure to get everything all mixed up." Mmm, that's a smart kid. - Can you imagine Dugan? - Didn't he give you any warning? No. Don't I get any mail but bills? This guy can wait. Pay half of that. Polite stall letter on that one. S.J. Clemens Riding Academy. Didn't I pay this once? No, sir, but you did shove it aside several times. Catherine, I spoil Helen, don't I? - Yes, sir. - Yeah. That's what comes of being mother and father at the same time. I spoil her double. - [Bolton] Good morning. - [Chattering] - Fred, what are you gonna do? - All right, Howie, you don't have the layouts. - All right, now everybody relax. - Ta-da - Pete, I know that you don't have... - Ta-da - Charlie, what is that? - Kinda leaves you a little breathless at first, huh? I said you could suggest something like this in a drawing. - I have a drawing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I think three-dimensional. - A drawing couldn't even possibly convey the impact. - Charlie, l... I've been working on it for weeks just to surprise ya. - On my own time: Nights, lunches, coffee breaks. - My drawing's in color. Look, Charlie, take this thing back, put it in its space capsule. - You've got to see him work. You put the pill in here... - Nine hundred dollars! Oh, we can turn 'em out cheaper than that. Catherine, am I reading this right? - Here's the address. - Nine hundred dollars? - That's right. - For riding lessons? Freddie, please, don't knock my little man until you see him in action. How can anybody owe $900 for riding lessons? You gotta see how he works. Mimsey, get me a pill. Who is S.J. Clemens anyway? I'll have him run in for extortion. - Freddie, just watch this. This'll really grab ya. - Charlie, take this monster... Yes, Gladys, I'll tell him. It's upstairs. Mr. Dugan is in the conference room. Let's go. Freddie? - Okay, bring your friend. It's too late now. - Mimsey, the pills. Catherine, if anybody calls, you know where to locate the body. Gladys, they're on their way. Charlie, the next time I leave you alone with an idea... But, Freddie, you haven't even given my little man a chance. - He'll steal your heart away. Mimsey, the pills. - Sixth floor. The big pills. They're just like the little pills, only they're bigger. Mimsey. Come on, Mimsey. Get in the elevator, honey. Excuse me, folks. Freddie, wait'll you see my little man work. Hey, Mr. Bolton. I see you got yourself a jockey. What happened to the rest of him? He, uh, just couldn't pull himself together, Joe. - Come on, Mimsey. Get the pill. - I'm trying. - Seventh floor. - Oh, out. Out, please. Oh, is this ten? No, ma'am, seven. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. I've got it! Good. Now when I tell ya to give him the pill, give him the pill. - You ready? - Ready. [Bell Ringing, Liquid Bubbling] - He's got a short circuit. - No, that's just a gimmick, Freddie. We start out with an inflamed, sensitive stomach... like the guy had an overdose of salami or somethin'. And what happens? The minute the stomach gives out the alarm, old Aspercel goes to work. - Ten. Out. - Give him the pill. Watch this. Old speedy Aspercel races down the old esophagus... hits the old alimentary canal and zoink. - Zoink, what? - Zoink, it's stuck. - Out. - Ten? - Twelve. - Never mind. I'll get out anyway. - I think I'm in the wrong building. - Zoink! Instant... Instant... [Pill Plops] Aspercel, Aspercel When you're sick it'll make you well - Instant relief. - Ahh! [Clapping] So this is it? This is the whole campaign, the complete Harry Tomes package? - That's it, Tom, and in my opinion... - Uh-huh. Anybody got an Aspercel? Harry, Aspercel's been a pretty good client over the past 15 years, hasn't it? - Our best, Tom. - You go along with that, Fred? Uh, yes, sir. I certainly do. And we've worked pretty well together over the years, haven't we? - I think we have, Tom. - Right, Fred? Uh, yes, sir, that's right. Then why are you people trying to hand me... this imbecilic, half-baked, old-hat gimmicked-up campaign... that wouldn't even sell life preservers in a shipwreck? - Where's the imagination around this place? - Tom, may I say... Why, this stuff wouldn't even keep the clients that we've got. I want new markets. I wanna move up in class. - Tom, may I say... - Harry, get me thejet set. I want you to come up with an idea... that will give sour stomachs class and dignity. Hey, I got a great idea there, Mr. Dugan. Class. We could take my little man, put a tuxedo on him, a high silk hat and... - How's the family? - Tom, may I say... Harry, I wanna brainstorm. I want something that will give us the "in" crowd. I want to make them wish that they had excess acidity... just so they could take Aspercel. - Tom! - Harry, that idea... is lurking at the bottom of somebody's tired skull. I am giving you people just 24 hours to dredge it up. - Tom, may I say... - Harry, don't say anything. Just start thinking. [Bell Ringing, Liquid Bubbling] - [Golf Ball Plops] - [Short-Circuiting] Aspercel, when you're sick it'll make you well Aspercel When you're sick it'll make you well Aspercel When you're sick it'll make you well Twenty-four hours, Harry. Twenty-four hours, Fred. Twenty-four hours. [Crying] [Woman]Judy Gardner! Heels down, Judy! Barnaby, sit tall! Work with your horse, not against him. Pick him up, Jana. Helen. Helen Bolton, will you ride with Jana and show her? Remember: If you wanna learn how to go over fences... first you've got to learn how to ride. Very good! Okay, that's enough for today, kids. Now those of you who are putting your horses away... be sure that the stalls are closed. Barnaby, let me see your horse for a minute. - Go ahead. Ask Suzie. - About fathers? Why not? She had one, didn't she? Tomorrow we'll try a different bit. He's not happy with this one. Suzie. - Suzie what? - Well, it's that big problem again. I know. Helen wants a horse of her own... - more than anything in the whole wide world. - Well, she should have one. You said yourself she's the best rider in the class. And all I said was, "She ought to try the favorite father treatment." I couldn't, Judy. - And just what is this favorite father treatment? - It's simple. All you do is put a rose at his dinner plate... bring him a cold martini and say... "Daddy, tell me every single thing that happened at the office today." - Then what? - Then he says, "Let's talk about something else." So you talk to him about buying you a horse. I couldn't do all that stuff. Why not, for pete's sake? My father and I understand each other. Judy, I think this is something that Helen should decide for herself. Come on, boy. Come on. There's Daddy! What's he doing here? Wait a minute, Suzie. I want you to meet my father. [Judy] Talk to him. Talk to him! Daddy! - Oh, hi, hi. - What are you doing here? [Sneezes] - Daddy, you're not getting allergic to me, are you? - Those clothes, honey. - Did you bring your antihistamine? - Yeah, yeah. - Where's the office? - Right there. - Oh. - I wish you had told me you were coming. The class just finished, and I've been dying to have you see me ride. Honey, I wanna see you ride. I really do, but I've got a briefcase full of homework. I just came by to deliver this saddle... and to tell S.J. Clemens the rules on highway robbery. I'm Miss Clemens. May I help you? - How do you do, Miss Clemens? Where's your father? - My father? S.J. Clemens, the owner of this pirate's den. I'm S.J. Clemens. Suzie, this is Daddy. Daddy, this is Suzie. You know, the one I'm always talking about? How do you do, Mr. Bolton? Now, about this pirate's den. I assume you're objecting to the charges on your statement. I think I'll go put this saddle in the tack room. [Chuckling] You sure you're S.J. Clemens? If you refer to the statement, Mr. Bolton... you'll see there's an unpaid balance for the past seven months. No way to run a business, Miss Clemens. You should've gotten ahold of me personally and chewed my head off. I intended to. Most parents come down here occasionally to see their children ride. I can't even see my child in jodhpurs without sneezing. I'll draw up a detailed statement and send it to you. In the meantime, I've got work to do. Miss Clemens! Miss Clemens, wait a moment! Look, I apologize. I had a miserable day in the city... and I took it out on the first available person. - I shouldn't have blasted off that way. - That's quite all right. We get used to tantrums dealing with children all day. [Grunts] Well, you finally met Suzie. Yes, yes. Finally met Suzie. - Daddy? - Yeah. Uh, Daddy, we've always had the kind of relationship where... if one of us wants to ask something, we just go right ahead and ask. - Right? - Right. - Well, what I wanna ask... - Uh-huh. Uh, what I want to ask you is... Yes? Uh, how did things go at the office today? What? Or, would you rather have a cold martini first? Honey, I'd rather have a cold martini period. Slide in. In the best of families. In the, uh... All things being considered, I like Aspercel because... it's status, upper crust, carriage trade, money in the bank. It's a traditional, uh... l-in the best... In the best of families... In the best of families, it's a... family tradition. Aspercel For relief. Herbie, we just might have something here. Let's see. In the best of families, it's a family tradition... Aspercel... for relief. [Growling] Aunt Martha, you think I should bring him another martini with a rose this time? I think it's a little too late for that, dear. What's he doing in there? He's been there ever since dinner. He's creating... something about sour stomachs. Carry Aspercel. I'm getting punchy, Herbie. Hey, bury it deep, huh? Okay, Aunt Martha... you can stop lurking about out there with Helen. Whatever it is, hit me with it now while I'm weak and helpless. - Oh, we weren't lurking, dear. - Mm-hmm. We were merely waiting patiently. What is it you'd like to buy that we can't possibly afford? - Oh, well... - Well, dear... No, Aunt Martha, I'll tell him. After all, it's my problem. - Daddy, I want... - No, dear, I said I'd tell him. - If you tell him... - I'm sure it would be better if I told him. Well, somebody tell me, okay? I mean, flip a coin. I've got to get back to work some time tonight. - Daddy. - Mmm? Daddy, I want a horse of my own more than anything I've ever wanted in the whole world. Suzie says, if I had a horse of my own, it would give me confidence... and I'd be in the ribbons at the really big shows. - And... - And, uh, how much will it cost me? - Well... - Hundred dollars? - Well, dear. - Two hundred dollars? Close to 2,000... for a good one. Two... Two thousand... dollars! [Chuckling] Do you... have... any idea... how thin the financial ice is around this place? I mean, I mean, a few items, like, the mortgage and two cars... and a private school and $900 for riding lessons and now you're... - Freddie, we've been skating on thin ice for years. - Well, we're about to get wet. - Well, suppose we do this... - No, Aunt Martha, Daddy's right. We can't afford a horse. I was silly to ask. I never should have brought up such a foolish thing. I'm sorry, Daddy. Really, I am. [Door Closes] - She really wants that horse, doesn't she? - Yes, dear. Two thousand dollars. - Is she really that good? - Why, she's the best in her class, Freddie. First place, junior equitation. And if she had her own horse, she could graduate to hunters. - Uh, they jump over fences and things, dear. - Huh. For $2,000, I'll jump a few fences myself. - Now, Freddie. - I don't know why she's so steamed up about a horse anyway. A boy, I could understand. Now, if she had a boy problem, I could help her. Oh, Fred. She has got a boy problem. - She what? - She's terrified of boys. She thinks she's homely. Homely? Helen thinks she's homely. But, Aunt Martha, she is a beautiful girl. Oh, yes, Fred. I know this, and you know this, but Helen doesn't. Oh, try to understand. It's just part of growing up. You see, that's why her riding is so important. It gives her poise, a sense of accomplishment. Homely. Well, I'll try to figure something out. - I knew you would, Freddie. - Yeah. I knew it. Now, do you want me to clean up this mess? Aunt Martha, this mess is what's left of my career. No, no, just go on to bed and let me pull the temple... - down around my own shoulders, all right? - Oh. Would you like a glass of warm milk? Wouldn't help. Good night, Aunt Martha. Good night, Fred Bolton. Good night, Aspercel account. Good night, Tom Dugan. Good night, everything. Aspercel, Aspercel, when you're sick, it makes you well. When you're dead, you're dead. That's... A gimmick! A gimmick, a gimmick, a gimmick. My kingdom for a gimmick. [Barking] A horse! Herbie! Herbie, hey, bring that back here. Hey, Herbie! [Whimpering] Herbie, this could be it, the gimmick. And it's a double play: - A horse for Helen, high society for Dugan. - [Barking] Now if we want the class market... we've got to make Aspercel the "in" pill from Bar Harbor to Biarritz. We've got to give our product social acceptance, a new image. What we want, Mr. Dugan, is to have the name Aspercel associated with high society. We wanna do that in such a way that the general public is not aware that it's happening. That means we go the subliminal r... And where do we begin this campaign of ours, Mr. Dugan? Where society's social season begins: At the horse show. I said, at the horse show! Show. What we do, we shoot for free publicity... at horse shows all over the country. Picture a beautiful young girl on a fabulous horse. Everywhere they appear, the eyes of the social world... are on that girl and that horse. Their picture is on the fashion page. They're in the best magazines. The class trade is captured. And what is the name of that fabulous horse? "Aspercel," Mr. Dugan. That horse's name is Aspercel! - What do you think of it, Mr. Dugan? - I like it. You like it? Yes, sir, I like it. We could get free play in all the class media: Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, Illustrated London News. Hit TV, and if the gimmick works, we can expand. Enter a boat in the America's Cup race. Call it the Aspercel. Good, good. Sponsor a car in the Indianapolis 500. - How about a wrestler named "Aspercel the Terrible"? - You keep rubbing. For the culture nuts, the Aspercel Philharmonic. - Terrific. - It's endless, but we'll start with the horse. Ya buy the best one you can find. Who we gonna get to ride it? Helen Bolton... my daughter. She's a champion, Mr. Dugan. Won all kinds of prizes. Okay, but register the horse under your daughter's name. - Keep Allied Drug out of the picture. - Yes, sir. Tell Harry Tomes to make you a vice president. Good id... What'd you say, Mr. Dugan? I don't like doing business with small fry. And call me Tom. Yes. Yes, sir. Tom. Has all the modern refinements: Outside-inside feed bin; heavy-duty suspension; handles like a sports car; and a quick loading ramp that comes right down there. This is the star's dressing room. - [Barking] - Herbie! [Barking] Come on, Herbie. Come here. Come on, boy. - That's Herbie. - Oh, very elegant. Yeah, yeah. And not everything meets the eye. Would you step back over there just a little bit more, please? Yeah, that's it. Now, watch. You won't believe this, but I designed it myself. No, no, no, I believe it. Just a little oasis for the riding contestant's father. Would you care to join me? Ah, it's a... I know it's a little fancy. You don't think it'll scare the horse, do you? No, I'm sure he can take it. He's a very special horse. Yeah, well, for 5,000 bucks, he should be. Well, you told me to get the best, Mr. Bolton. Oh, yes. No argument, Miss Clemens. That I did, that I did. - Besides, that's not high for a double champion. - No. He won both the junior hunter and equitation medals at Harrisburg last year. - Uh-huh. - Well, he's really very good, Mr. Bolton. I'm sure he is, Miss Clemens. He's also very late. He forgot at what time he was supposed to show up. Well, it's a long haul from Pennsylvania. - Yeah, hey, while we're waiting, you wanna watch television? - No, thank you. - You will help me celebrate. - I did my celebrating when I got your check. Yeah, well, I can't blame you for that. Besides, I've got to get back to my Saturday cross-country class. You know, I think I'm as excited about getting this horse as Helen is. - Daddy, he's here. He's here! - [Barking] - [Bolton] I think he's here. - That's him, all right. Hey, that's him, all right, Helen! [Horse Whinnying] - Okay, over here. That's fine. - Bring him out on this side. That's fi... That's... Stop! Stop! [Banging] - We'd about given you up. - Yeah. [Horse Whinnying] [Whinnying, Banging Continue] The whole trip, he's been banging away like that. A nine-horse trailer all to himself... - but it ain't good enough for him. - [Nickers] [Gasping] Let's get his royal highness out of there while I still got some trailer left. Oh, Daddy, he's beautiful. He's all yours. Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Aren't you supposed to unpack? Listen, mister, it took a breast hitch in front. Two guys shoving at the back to get him in. You get him out. - Do you want me to get him out? - Oh, no. No, no. We, uh, have to live with him, we mi... [Sneezes] Might as well start now. - Daddy, please let me. - No, no, no. I'll handle it. Look out, dear. Don't let him hurt himself. I'll try not to, Aunt Martha. Now, uh... Aspercel, you just relax. Just relax. Everything's gonna... I'm the friendly type. - [Blowing Through Nose] - Gesundheit! - Hey, this horse is allergic to people. - [Laughing] I'll give you an antihistamine, old boy... but I think you'd better consult your own physician. We're just gonna unhook this... No, you're right. We're gonna unhook... Well, you old guzzler. Is it all right for him to drink beer, Suzie? One palmful for medicinal purposes is okay. How about that? Yeah. [Clears Throat] Unhook... Now, now, that's enough. You're gonna... Take that off there. That's nice and easy. Let's take a walk. Here he comes. - Aspercel, meet your new boss. - Hello, Aspie. You're beautiful, just beautiful. - Aw. - I think he's returning the compliment. Mister, you sure got a way with horses. Yeah, I do, don't I? I mean, I'm happy to make this discovery myself. Oh, Aunt Martha, would you help this discerning young gentleman to a bit of refreshment? - [Aunt Martha] Come along, young man. - Thank you. All right, honey, would you show Aspie his accommodations? - It's stuck. - Oh. - It's new. - Aspie! Hey! Did you see that, Daddy? Did you see him jump the fence? - How about that? - Aspie! You know, I think he's decided to stay. [Whinnying] [Helen] Judy! - There's Judy Gardner, Daddy. Beep your horn. - [Beeps] - Hi. - Hi. My brother Ronnie. Ronnie, Helen Bolton. - Hiya, Mr. Bolton. - Oh, hi. - That's what's-her-name, isn't it? - Yes, dear. - We'll see you at the in gate after you've unloaded. - Okay. - How are you, Aspie? Did you enjoy the ride? - Zip-a-dee-doo-dah - Zip-a-dee-day My, oh, my - Shouldn't we get him out? First things first, honey. - Is anybody ready to eat? - Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Class 34, hunter seat equitation... - has been rescheduled. - Daddy, that's me. - We have tomato sandwiches. - It can't be. You've got an hour yet. I repeat: Class 34 has been rescheduled. And liverwurst. Herbie. Herbie! Exhibitors in this class to the in gate in three minutes, please. - Three minutes, Daddy. - Don't panic. Get your saddle. All right, Aspie, move over. Give me some room. Back it up. That's it. Easy does it. Easy does it. Attaboy, attaboy. Move it around now. Bring it around here, honey. Okay, now, give me that. I got it. Honey, take this, uh, uh, thing. - Daddy, it's on backwards. - What? A-are you... - I've got it now. - Class 34, riders to the ring, please. Daddy, I'm gonna be disqualified. No, you're not, darling. You're not gonna be disqualified. We'll make it. - Have you got it? - Almost there. All aboard. Here we go. - Okay, get up. Get up. What? - Where's the bridle? - Daddy, I have to have a bridle. - Of course you do, honey. Where is it? Class 34, class 34, hunter seat equitation over fences. Daddy, I'll never make it. I haven't even got my number. - Uh, honey, I'll put this on. You go get the number. - All right. [Car Horn Honking] [Horse Whinnying] Okay. All right, boy. Open your mouth. Open your mouth now. Spread your teeth. - May I help, sir? - Spread, spread. What? - Can I help you here? - Oh, yes, yes. Can you unscramble this thing? I think so. Well, we're kind of in a hurry. These things are pretty tricky till you catch on. Not that I'm the horsey type... but I get dragged to these shows so I had to learn somethin'. You know, actually, I could do without horses... but the only way I get to have a sports car... is if I haul my sister to these shows so my folks won't have to do it. - Uh-huh. - Could I have the breast hitch, please? What's that? Oh, oh, oh. The better hitch. Yeah. Daddy, I got it! Number 313. - I hope it's not bad... luck. - Well, hi. - I guess you're ready, sir. - Ronnie, I'm speechless with admiration. - Last call, Class 34. - That's us. Okay, up you go. Where does this thing go? Oh. You're off, sweetheart. See you after the event. - Good luck. - Yeah, good luck. - Aunt Martha, did you find Herbie? - [Barking] All he left is two pickles and a hard-boiled egg. Thanks, Ronnie. Let's hurry. [Chattering] I'm sorry, Suzie. Everything went wrong. It's all right. You're on last. Now take a couple of deep breaths. - Count to ten and relax. - [Girls Shouting] [Girl] Relax, Helen! Relax! [Murmuring] - Is Helen going to jump over all those sticks? - Yeah, that's the general idea. First exhibitor, number 183... Janet McGrath, riding Sullivan. The exhibitors today, ladies and gentlemen... will follow in the order indicated in your programs. They're all doing very well, aren't they, dear? Well, the judge doesn't look too impressed. You know, Tom Dugan's become a fanatic. He's got himself a rule book and a schedule of shows. He sent me a memo a yard and a half long. Wants Helen entered in every medal class possible. Medal class, dear? What's that? Sort of championship events. There are about half a dozen of'em each season. If she wins three medals, she goes to the world series: - The International Horse Show at Washington. - Oh. Helen's going to Washington? - That's what Dugan says in his memo. - Oh, how nice. She'll love the Smithsonian Institute. Last exhibitor in Class 34, number 313... Aspercel? - Aspercel, ridden by Helen Bolton. - Oh. Here she comes. - No, Aspie. No, no. - [Crowd Gasping] - Beautiful, beautiful. - [Giggling] Oh, that's sensational. - Stay. - Great! Great! Atta girl! Ha, ha! - Oh. - Hey, wasn't she great, huh? - Uh, the horse is very good, sir. - You bet he is. That completes the class, ladies and gentlemen. All exhibitors back in the ring, please. Aunt Martha, she's gonna win. She's gonna win. Ha, ha. But keep calm, keep calm. Number 128 and number 313 are excused. All other entries will please line up in numerical order. Excused? What's excused? Well, she's out. Eliminated. Why? Well, shejust wasn't good enough, sir. - Wasn't good enough? She won! Where's that umpire? - The blue ribbon goes to... Fredrick, control yourself. Second place goes to number 132... Rio Latch, ridden byJudy Thom. Third place, number 250. A great start for my vice presidency. Fourth place, number 129, Big Chief. What happened? Why wasn't she good enough? Well, sir, first, she tried to put the horse in the wrong pattern. Then she panicked and decided he knew more than she did. From then on, she was just a passenger. That's what the judges call a push-button ride. - Push-button? - Yes, sir. Well, don't let it throw ya, Mr. Bolton. She'll do better next time. Thank you, Ronnie. Aunt Martha, find Helen and cheer her up, will ya? - I'll meet you back at the trailer. - Well, where are you going, dear? To have a word with S.J. Clemens. Let him know who's boss, Barnaby. Good. Bring him on through again. Very good. Now bring him down here and stop for a minute. Oh, hey, that's great. Now you go out there, and you knock 'em dead. Uh... - Miss Clemens. - Mr. Bolton, if you're worried about Helen, she's fine. I told her that, well, everybody loses on their first time out. Oh, well, I'm very pleased that Helen is happy. However, I would like... - She's right over there at the soft drink stand. - No, I'm looking for you. [Chuckling] Miss Clemens, I'm a little concerned about the fact that... all of a sudden my daughter is something called a push-button passenger. Oh, it wasn't that bad. She was just a little nervous. That's all. All right, well, she's a nervous push-button passenger... on a $5,000 horse. Let me ask you a logical question now, Miss Clemens. What happened? [Chuckling] I mean, what... I thought you told me she was good. Well, she is. All she needs is, well, a little more practice. - Give her a few months. - Months! Are you one of those parents who has to win every time? Well, of course, I'm not, but I don't have months, Miss Clemens. I mean, not if she's gonna win three medals and qualify for Washington. Washington? Oh, you are one. The worst kind. - If-if I weren't so fond of Helen, I'd... - Well, now, just a minute. Oh, all you need is a... is a bullwhip and a pair of jackboots. - Now it's all very well for you. - Excuse me, Mr. Bolton. I promised Barnaby I'd watch this go-round. [Sighs] [Announcer] Trot your horses, please. That's very good, Barnaby. Miss Clemens, what would happen if you gave Helen a lesson every day... including Sundays? She might start winning. She's got natural talent. She's got a good animal, but she needs work on basics... simple horsemanship. She's gotta develop a partnership with that horse of hers. Will you do it? - Do what? - Whatever you said. Every single day, and don't ask me why. - Why? - [Chuckles] I like you, S.J. Is it a deal? It's a deal. That's absolutely t... t... - [Sneezes] - Now you try it again and don't depend on the reins. Balance, legs. Make him know what you want him to do. Okay, I'll try. Come on, Aspie. Communicate. You know, I've been sitting on this bony fence for almost a month now... watching you and Helen. And I've been asking myself a question... about you. I know, Mr. Bolton. I've been watching you sitting here... on this bony fence every day for the past month... and I know the exact question. - You do? - I do. Helen, that's much better. Now take him through again slowly... without the jump. Question: How come a pretty girl like you: A. Isn't married? B. Isn't engaged? C. Prefers a quiet evening at home with a good book to A or B? That's very close. How come? Two years ago, I was one day away from getting married. His name was Archer Madison. And he had several million dollars more than was good for him. - Whoops, I'm sorry. I knew I shouldn't have asked. - No, no, no, that's okay. Balance, Helen. Balance. Archer looked so beautiful on a horse. He rode on the U.S. Equestrian Team. So, well, it would have been a perfect marriage the way Archer saw it. We would tour the world together forever... on horseback. But that wasn't the way you saw it. Not quite. I didn't want the patter of little hooves. I wanted a two-footed family with an ever-faithful, true-blue helpmate... and all the rest of the cornball trimmings. You're okay, S.J. [Chuckles] That's enough, Helen. Walk him for a while. When I return tomorrow, we can discuss your early childhood. You won't have to come back, Mr. Bolton. Helen's graduated. I've entered her in the Oak Valley show. I think now she's ready to start winning some ribbons. [Chattering] - Isn't it beautiful, Daddy? - Honey, it is absolutely gorgeous. - Look at that. Our first medal. - Oh, it's marvelous. - Two more, then on to Washington. - Washington? Mr. Bolton... - Suzie, from now on, it's Fred. - [Charlie] Okay, everybody. Cheese. Hi. Uh, hi. Wait a minute. You're putting it on backwards. You know, you look kinda flaked out. Oh, it's just a cramp. L-it's gone now. [Gasping] Oh. Bolton, I've had my agents checking on you lately. You're tensing up. Why don't you kick the horse show habit for a couple of weeks and relax? I'm having a wonderful time, Ronnie. Yeah? - Uh, would you like a root beer? - Uh-uh. I'll tell you what. I'll take charge of this case personally. How about a movie tonight? A movie? Me? I mean, us? Then afterwards, maybe a pizza or somethin'. - I really have to practice. - Well, let the horse practice. - Thanks, Ronnie, but I can't tonight, really. - Then how about Friday night? Friday's the show at Rockford. Then Saturday, for sure. And no excuses. Okay. I'll come by for ya around 6:00. And you be ready. Ya got it? - Oh, and good luck. - Huh? - On your medal class. - Oh. [Bolton] When nothing's feelin' well I said, a-reach a-reach, brother A-reach for Aspercel - Did you write that, boss? - Sure I did. - That's pretty good. - Yeah, yeah, you know, I used to play guitar. - Hello, Freddie. - Well, well. Well! Well, Mr. Dugan, this is a pleasant surprise. Ah, Aspercel, meet your sponsor, Mr. Thomas Dugan. Mr. Dugan, this is your four-footed, subliminal gold mine. I'd like to speak to you privately, Freddie. - Uh, privately. - About this subliminal gold mine. Sure thing, Mr. Dugan. Hank, walk him around a little bit. - Then saddle him up, will ya? - Sure, boss. Come on, meatball. Uh, Hank, his name's Aspercel. Yeah, I know. How come you picked a stupid name like that? A lousy stomach pill, no less. [Chuckling] Hank thinks he's a comic. I only keep him around because the horse laughs at his jokes. Well, I've been working on a brochure of our progress so far, Mr. Dugan. Soon as the dust settles just a little bit, I want you to... The dust has already settled, and most of it's on you. - What's that? - I'm gonna give you a chance to level with me. I think this whole campaign is something you cooked up... just so your daughter could get a horse for nothing. - Now wait a minute. I've got faith in this idea. - I don't want faith. I want that international class publicity you promised to get me. I want Vogue and Harper's Bazaar, the Illustrated London News. I want TV cameras, and what do I get? After two months of hard work, you come up with this: "Miss Helen Bolton won first prize last Saturday... mounted on "Aspirin'." Oh, that's a hot item to bounce offTelstar. Now I have gotten better stuff than that, and you know it. That's a dirty curve. - I didn't come here to argue. - Then lay off. - What did you say? - I said lay off!. I got a great idea here, Mr. Dugan, and you're smart enough man to know I have. Now give it a chance to build. I'm going on the road next week. I'm gonna see editors in Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago. If I don't flood the class media by the time my little girl gets to the Washington International... you can have myjob, the vice presidency... - You have a lot of confidence, haven't you? - You bet I have. No. No, I haven't. I'm just as insecure as the next guy, but get off my neck. Give me a chance to make this thing work. All right. All right! You get your little girl to Washington. She needs two more medals. She'll get one of them this afternoon. She'll get the other one next Friday at Rockford. That doesn't sound as insecure as the next guy. Well, fortunately, I'm not riding the horse. Oh, yes, you are. There's a lot riding on that horse: The Allied Drug account, your job with Tomes. Oh, I'm gonna keep my eye on that horse. I only hope he's strong enough to carry the load. [Exhales] [Gasping] [Sneezes] [Announcer] Next exhibitor, number 189, 1-8-9... - Aspercel, ridden by Helen Bolton. - Come on, Aspie. Make me look good. We've got to win this one. - Good luck, Helen. - Good luck, Helen. Will all entries in Class Number Three move back into the ring, please? Winner of the A.H.S.A. Hunter seat medal class... is Miss Helen Bolton, riding Aspercel. Come on, honey. How about a nice, big smile? Right over this way. That's it. Fred, give her a hand. We won. We won. We haven't won yet, Suzie. [Phone Ringing] Hello? Oh, hi, Daddy. - Are you still in Chicago? - Yeah, I'm still here. I'll be home tomorrow night. I'm just phoning to, uh, well, find out how everybody is. - Oh, everyone's fine, just fine. - Good, good. - I lost at Rockford. - Oh. But it's okay, Daddy. I'll still get to Washington. So please don't worry. - Oh, I'm not worried, honey. - Suzie checked all the entries at Millbrook... - and she says I'll be better than any of the other kids. - Uh, Helen... So I'll get that last medal. I promise. Honey, I'm not worried... Look, I just phone to-to find out how everybody is. That's all. - Everyone's fine. - Well, good, good. - Look, I'll see you tomorrow night, okay? - Okay, Daddy. Okay. Don't you worry about Rockford. That's an order. All right? - I'll try. - All right, honey. I'll see you tomorrow night. Bye. - See you, Daddy. - Bye. [Whinnying] [Nickers] Hello, everybody. I took an early plane. Helen! Aunt Martha! Herbie? [Nickering] [Snorts] [Gate Creaking] Hey, anybody. I'm home. Oh, yeah, I'm home, all right. [Nickers] Well, look who's here. Loser of the week. - [Nickers] - Back to your paddock, chum. And no beer for you. You blew Helen's medal but good. - One more like that, it's the glue factory for both of us. - [Whinnies] Oh, I know, I know. One of the judges had a thing against gray horses, huh? [Whinnies] And, uh, your cinch was too tight. Yeah. [Whinnies] And right at the moment, Aspie, I don't feel the need for any of my four-footed friends. Just get lost, will ya? Gojump a fence or something. Okay, all right... I'm sorry! Hey, Aspie, come on back. You can have a swallow. I gotta live with myself. Hey, stop sulking. I apologize. Hey, you're takin' this thing a little big, aren't ya? Huh? [Whinnies] Beer, Aspie! Ice-cold beer! Aspie! I apologize! Aspie! This is no time to be running away from home! Aspie! Your favorite brew! Zesty, tangy, full-bodied! Hey, look at the frost on this can! Aspie! Come on, baby! Come home! Everybody loves ya! [Nickers] I am never gonna speak to you again as... long as I live! Come on. Admit it. You weren't mad. You were just exercising your sense of humor. Boy, boy, l... I tell... I'm through playing games, Aspie. L... I know you. I'd reach up for your mane and... pfft... you'd be gone. Okay, so you're not gone. But after what you put me through, don't be surprised... if you get a very formal Christmas card and no present. You don't mind if I put this rope on? Nothing personal. Okay. You know somethin', old paint? We're a long way from our diggin's. You wouldn't... You wouldn't give a guy a lift, would ya? Come on. We can give it a try anyway. Now, I don't have what you'd call a good seat, Aspie. No points in equitation, but, uh... Now, just stand right there, okay? Ah. [Hand Petting Rump] [Grunts, Screams] Don't look at me like that. They do it all the time in the movies. Okay. Steady. Easy now, Aspie. No! No, boy, no! Aspie! Hey... come back! Back up! Whoa! [Sighs] Okay, don't move, pal, huh? No... no! You're moving! You're... Okay, you win. We'll both walk home. Soon as I see where we are. [Groans] Okay, wise guy. Why didn't you do that in the first place? Ah! [Chuckles] All right, uh, old paint. Easy! - He's not in the Walsh's field. - No, of course not! He's been kidnapped! Oh, Aunt Martha, maybe he just wandered off or something. Oh, with the study window wide open and your father's clothes scattered all over the place? - I'm going to look for him on the fire road. - No, no, no, you wait right here. We'll both go and look for him in the car just as soon as... Oh, hello. Police? This is Martha Ramsey at the Bolton house on Westhill Road. I'd like to speak to the person in charge of stolen horses. Stolen horses? Oh, oh, yes, I see. Yes, ma'am. Right out of your stable? Yes. Yes, yes, go ahead. Gray coat, brown eyes... and a small scar on his right flank. Yes, ma'am, I've got it. And don't you worry. We'll search every back road in the county till we find him. You know somethin', Aspie? This beats the horseless carriage any day. No traffic. No, uh, noise. [Chuckles] No smog. Wouldn't it be great if we had an 8:15 horse to commute to the city, huh? - [Chuckling] Peaceful, serene. - [Siren Wailing] [Siren Continues] - [Siren Continues] - [Whinnies] Whoa! Whoa, boy! Easy! Easy! - All right, all right. Off that horse! - No! - Hey, hey! Look out! - [Screams] Stop! Stop! You're under arrest! - [Gunshots] - Stop! [Siren Continues] Whoa! [Grunts] Help! - Halt! - Stop! - Pull over! - Slow down! Whoa, baby! Whoa! Whoa, boy! Boy, I'd like to see that guy's license. No! [Grunts] [Siren Continues] Whoa, boy! Whoa, buddy! Come on, baby! Stop! [Panting, Groaning] Come on, baby! Let's stop for a beer, huh? Sorry! - Hey, you! Pull over! - I'm trying, you idiot! Whoa, buddy! Aspie! Oh! Ooh! That's a nice jump. Watch the trees! Whoa! Whoa, boy! Aspie, no! No! No! [Grunting] Wh... whoa! [Shouting In Japanese] [Groans] [Groans] - [Siren Wailing] - [Sneezes, Coughs] [Speaking Angrily In Japanese] [Shouting In Japanese] Okay, cowboy, don't move. You're under arrest. [Moans] Sergeant! Sergeant! Charlie, are you outta your mind? Sergeant! Hey, that's good, Freddie. Now, keep shakin'the bars like a wild gorilla. Get a shot. Now, listen, Charlie. They got you down here for you to identify me! - Now, go out and start identifying. - Lower angle. - Give 'im the teeth there, Freddie. - Ch... Charlie, I know what you're up to. Free publicity. You're gonna spread me through the papers, aren't ya? Yeah, can't ya see the headlines? "Aspercel ad exec steals his own horse." Charlie, you idiot! I've got a family to think of. I am thinkin' of your family. Tomes will make ya a partner for this. Okay, Charlie! You spring me right now or you are fired! - [Grunts] - You too, Alex! Sergeant! - Sergeant! - Freddie! Sergeant! - You gonna tell him who I am, Charlie? - Yeah. I'm gonna tell 'im you're the guy who's choking me. Alex, get a picture of this. "Irate citizen chokes his best friend." - Sergeant! Sergeant! - [Cup Clattering Bars] - Hey, hey, hey, hey! - All right, all right. All right! What's goin' on? Sergeant, I demand you force him to identify me. - What's my name? - I don't know. Big Chief Horse Blanket? Sergeant, my name is Fred Bolton. I live on Westhill Road... Are we gonna start that again? Now, can you identify this man or can't you? Never saw him before in my life. We're takin' pictures for a magazine article. - "Crime in the suburbs." - Sergeant, let's be... Look at these shorts! Now, would a self-respecting thief go around stealing horses in shorts like this? - Why not? - Because it's insane! Hey, there's a fresh angle. Call the psychiatric ward... and see if they misplaced one of the patients. [Grunts] Okay, that's enough. You and the beard, out! Certainly, sir. Just one more picture. Alex. Sergeant, Sergeant, please... Sergeant, call my house just one last time. Now, my aunt is bound to be there by now. She'll identi... Alex! [Sputters] She'll identify me! She'll also tell you who that creep is. Name-calling will avail you nothing, sir. Come on, Alex. Charlie Blake! Ha, ha! Ha, ha! See that? See that? He knows his own name! Of course, I know my name. But what's your name? That's the question. Thanks for your cooperation, officer. Come on, Alex. Sergeant, Sergeant, don't let him out of this building. They're gonna make a fool of me in the newspapers. - That won't be no uphill battle. Believe me. - Oh! - Hey, Sarge. - Yeah, Eddie. The lady from Westhill Road just called. She came home and found the horse in its stable. Did ya ask her? Did ya tell her? Well, I told her we got a suspect here who says he's your nephew. - Yeah? - And she says, "My nephew isn't a suspect. He's in Chicago." But l-l-l-I took an early... I demand that I call her back immediately! Too bad, Mac. You just ran out of phone calls. Why don't you make yourself comfy? You've had a very busy day. [Murmurs] [Door Closes] - [Bluegrass] - As if I didn't have enough problems... without you running away. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Don't you ever do that again. [Man On Radio] And now for five minutes of the latest news. On the lighter side, Connecticut's first horse-napping... in many years is solved. Aspercel, a well-known jumping horse... returned late this afternoon to his owner, Miss Helen Bolton. - Aspie, that's us! - But here's the topper. The alleged horse stealer turns out to be the young lady's father... Mr. Fred Bolton of Westhill Road. [Chuckles] Don't ask us why, folks. We can't figure it either. On the international scene, things are not proceeding quite as well. [Radio Clicks Off] - Oh, Aspie, it was one of daddy's publicity things. - [Car Approaching] [Horn Honks] - [Honking Continues] - Ronnie! Hey, tiger, that you? That man is here. - Hi, Ronnie. - Well, hi. Hey, why aren't ya dressed? - Dressed? - Well, it's Saturday. Remember our date? Oh, yes, uh, it is Saturday. Hey, uh, you aren't standin' me up, are ya? Well, Ronnie, you see, Aspie disappeared this afternoon. You are standin' me up! - And I have to wait for Suzie. - Suzie! - She's coming over to see if Aspie's all right. - Aspie! I'm sorry. Oh, you're sorry. Hey, that's great. That takes care of everything. All my plans, my whole Saturday. Look at me. I even wore a tie. Isn't there anything you think of besides horse shows? I hate horse shows! - What? - I hate 'em! Well, then, for pete's sake, why do ya keep goin'? If I don't win at Millbrook, I won't win another medal. And if I don't win another medal and go on to Washington... my father will lose his job and... And... l... I'm sorry you had to wear a tie for nothing! - [Nickers] - Well, I didn't mean to... Get out of the way, will ya? Hey, wait a minute! [Whinnies] - What the heck was that all about? - [Nickers] [Sighs] [Clears Throat] Uh, Mr. Bolton, we'd, uh, like to apologize, sir. You do and I'll never buy another ticket to your annual clambake. - Hmm. - Souvenir. - Well, good night, gentlemen. - Uh, good night, Mr. Bolton. [Both Laughing] Uh, I'll return the costume tomorrow. - It was a pleasure booking you. - Yeah. Ha, ha. Uh, if I decide to steal another horse, I'll call ya. [Chuckles] Mr. Bolton? Oh, hi, Ronnie. Yeah, I thought that was your car out there. What are you doing? Waiting for Helen? No, sir. I was waiting for you. - There's somethin' I gotta say, even if it does get ya upset. - Upset? You may really get mad, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Mr. Bolton, I've always admired you. Is that supposed to make me mad? I always thought you were a real nice guy and a real swell father. - I admired you. - Until tonight? Yes, sir. I mean, I don't want to tell you what to do, but... But I know when I have kids, if there's a situation where they don't wanna do somethin'... well, I'd never make 'em do it... even if the only reason they were doin' it was so I wouldn't lose my job. - Lose my job? - Shh! She's crackin' up, Mr. Bolton. She really is. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are we... - Are we talkin' about Helen? - Yes, sir. - I've always admired you, Mr. Bolton... - You said that. Sit down, Ronnie. Now, suppose you tell me everything you know. - Well, all I know is... - And slowly. Well, all I know is we had a date tonight, and I showed up with a tie and everything... and I asked her why she was standin' me up. Then she started ravin' about winnin' medals... and how she had to go to Washington or you'd lose your job. And then she started bawlin'. Oh, hi, Daddy. Aunt Martha's at her garden club, but your dinner's on the stove. I seem to be coming down with a cold. Uh, how come you never told me you hated horse shows? What? Who told you that? Ronnie told me that. Oh, Daddy. And, uh, what's this nonsense about, uh... my losing my job? It isn't nonsense, Daddy. I heard what Mr. Dugan said at Lakeville. I didn't mean to listen. I just heard. Well, I don't care what Mr. Dugan said. You know, a job's just a job. But what's here at home... between... That's what's important. I mean, that's important. I'm not gonna lose that. You're not gonna ride in any more horse shows. Oh, Daddy. - Daddy, I can get to Washington. - No. Suzie... She's coming over here. She was gonna work with me all week. - Daddy, if I practice... - No! - Even if I want to? - Now, listen, you try to con me... I'm gonna take you across my knee like I used to. - You never took me over your knee. - Well, I should have. Now, you, uh, wipe that smeary face and get outside. Ronnie's waiting on you. But I look terrible, and he's wearing a tie. I'm not even dressed. Somehow I don't think it'll matter. Now, go on. Daddy, will we have to sell Aspie? Are you kidding? Of course, we're not selling Aspie. He's a member of the family. [Laughs] Ronnie! [Door Closes] Well, Herbie, I wonder how the market is... for slightly used vice presidents. - So? - He's fine. - Only a few scratches. That's all. - Good, good. Now all I have to do is figure out how to feed him on my unemployment check. - You'll find a way. - I do have one angle. I'm thinking of joining the circus as a bareback rider. Don't knock it. Aspie and I went over a seven-foot wall this afternoon. - Seven feet? - And one inch! The police measure everything. Aspie went seven feet. I personally went ten feet for a flash finish into a lath house. You will tell me, old boy, won't you, when you plan to, uh, stop that fast again? - Fred? - Yeah? Supposing Aspie did make it. To Washington, I mean. No, no, no. Helen's through riding in horse shows. And I'm through on Madison Avenue. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and listen. - Sorry for myself? - Supposing Aspie were entered in the open jumper championship. Why do you say I'm sorry for myself? Because I like you. Because I like Helen. I like Aunt Martha and Aspie and Herbie and the whole insane setup. And maybe I have an idea to save it. That's all. You know, you look rather fetching when you get all steamed up like this. Listen. Do you have any idea how many horses there are... in this whole wide world that can jump seven feet? A handful. Aspie may have the stuff to go for the biggest prize of all. - The open jumper championship. - That's impossible. He's a kid's horse. I mean, just because he was on the lam from the cops... If he did it once, he can do it again. And if he made it to Washington as an open jumper... Wow! That's really big league. And you get a thousand times more publicity than with Helen in a junior class, right? Well, sure, but... Aspercel, open jumper champion. How would Allied Drug like that for a subliminal commercial? You know, you might be in the wrong business. - Is it a deal then? - Yeah, it's a deal. Well, you get a good night's rest, Aspie. We've got big plans for you. Good night. Good night. Uh, so soon? Can I buy ya a beer? Uh, cup of coffee? Glass of milk? No. I want to get a good night's rest myself. We haven't much time. I want to put Aspie in training tomorrow. You really think he has a chance? Naturally I want to get an expert opinion before we go too far. Your opinion is good enough for me. There's one man who can tell us in a minute. I want to get him. Then get him. You're the boss. - Fred? - Yeah? I'm sorry I said you were sorry for yourself. I didn't mean it. Yes, you did, and I was. [Laughs] - Oh, uh, S.J., uh... - Yes? - J-just one question. - Yes? Why are you being so helpful? - Hmm? - Well, I mean... Uh, who are you doing all this for? - Couldn't be Helen. She's out of it now. - I guess so. Not Tom Dugan. You don't know him. No. No, that's true. Not Aunt Martha, is it? No. No, it's not Aunt Martha. No, no. Well, I guess that only leaves one conclusion, doesn't it? Yeah, I guess it does. I must be doing it for the horse. [Both Laughing] - I like you, S.J. - I must go. Helen and, uh, Aunt Martha and Herbie like ya too, S.J. Good night. The whole family likes ya, S. J! [Horn Honking] - This will have to be moved about 18 inches. - [Car Door Closing] - Hi, Daddy! - Hi, honey. [Grunts] I got tied up at the office. Am I late? No, you're just in time. They're gonna try him now. Yeah, for what? The pole vault? - That thing looks ten feet high. - No more than five-and-a-half feet, Daddy. Isn't this the craziest? - Is that the expert fellow out there? - Yeah, that's him. Wait till you meet him. He's so handsome you're gonna go all swoony. I'll try to bear up. Where's Suzie? She's in the barn with Aspie. Hey, you sure this guy's an expert? He used to be on the United States Equestrian Team. Now he's a professional coach. - He knows more about jumpers than practically anybody around. - Hmm. Uh, Mr. Madison? I'd like you to meet my father. - Oh! - Daddy, this is Archer Madison. - How do you do, Mr. Bolton? - Mr. Madison. I've been looking over your horse. If he's as good over the fences... as he looks in the stall, you might have something. Well, good, good. I hope so. [Helen] Here they come! I'll check with you later. - Archer Madison? - Isn't he devastating, Daddy? - Devastating. - [Aspie Whinnying] - Hey, he's... He's the one that Suzie almost got, uh... - I know. She told me. How could she ever have cooled it with anyone so gorgeous? Well, if she cooled it, it looks like he's heating it up again. Oh, Daddy, he's just giving her some last-minute instructions. Maybe that's what it looks like to you, but if you ask... What... what do you mean, instructions? About what? - Hey! What is she doing? - Well, she's gonna ride him. - Suzie? - All the top riders were booked for Washington. So it had to be Suzie or else. Well, that fence is too high for her. Daddy, Suzie knows what she's doing, really. [Madison] Now, watch your rhythm. Rhythm. That's what these placing poles are all about. After the brush there are three beats. One, two, three! You got left behind. Try it again. What is he doing now? He's raising it higher! Remember what those cavallettis are for. That's better. - You're behind the motion. Get with the horse. - Right. Watch it! [Gasps] Are you all right, Suzie? You're sure? - Yes, I'm all right. I'm all right, Fred. - You hurt? It was so stupid of me. Could we try it again, Archer? - Yes, of course. - Try... Nothing doing! The whole deal is off. What are you trying to do, kill her? I'm merely trying to help her get to Washington... which for some mysterious reason she seems to want. - Now, come on, Suzie. I'll give you a leg up. - Suzie! - Suzie! I don't think you should. - I'm all right, Fred, really. - Now, knees tighter this time. - Okay. I'll get it good this time. She's okay, Daddy. Come on. All right, Suzie. Get with it now. That's much better. Okay, that'll be enough. [Exhales] Well, what do you think, Archer? I think you've been doing too much teaching and not enough riding. But you still have a talent. It's a 300-to-1 shot, but she does have a chance. And if you want me to help, I will. The decision is yours. Well, come on, young lady. Let's cool off this horse of yours. On to Washington, Freddie? Suzie, I can't let you risk your neck to save mine with Tom Dugan. [Laughs] You're just afraid that Aspie and I will be a flop. Are you demented? I think you're both great. Then you're afraid you won't be able to sell Mr. Dugan. Oh, that's no problem. I mean, it's a natural, but... Then let's stop horsing around. On to Washington, Freddie? [Sighs] On to Washington, Suzie. [Laughs] Good. [Chattering] [Chattering] Oh! Isn't this beautiful, Freddie? Yeah, yeah, this is the big league, all right. [Chuckles] [Trumpet Fanfare] [Man On P.A. System] Ladies and gentlemen... welcome to the Washington International Horse Show. Circling the ring now in the tallyho coach... are the distinguishedjudges for this evening's events. - Does jumping start now? - I don't know. No, ma'am. These are just the opening ceremonies. - Ceremonies. - The first jumping class doesn't start till later. Uh, stay here, everybody. I'm gonna see if Suzie needs anything. Freddie, sit down. You just saw Suzie ten minutes ago. - You'll only make her nervous. - Yeah, right, right. [Announcer] During the next seven days and nights... over 120 class competitions will be held in this arena. Among the classes to bejudged tonight... class 56, ladies, hunter under sidesaddle. Class 105, Tennessee walking horses. - [Baying] - A special event, ladies and gentlemen... the Forest Hill Hunt Club with their prize-winning pack ofhounds. By the end of the week, ladies and gentlemen... we will have determined the grand international open jumper champion. This award will be given to the horse that has won the greatest number of points... in the entire open jumper division. In these classes, each knockdown is four faults. Touches without a knockdown, no penalty. And now, ladies and gentlemen, class 7 2... open jumpers, bonus point. Okay. Okay, everybody. Suzie's event. Fingers. [Announcer] Our first exhibitor, number 111, Ann's Joy... owned and ridden by Miss Ellen Farrell. - Lieutenant Mario Lorendo at your service, senorita. - Suzie Clemens. - Your first international? - [Laughs] Yes. - I'm very nervous. - This is my sixth international. - And I am very nervous too. - [Laughs] [Crowd Gasps] [Crowd Gasps] [Applause] Number 111, eight faults. - Eight faults, eight faults. - The next exhibitor, number 7 44... the Chilean champion, Rascala... owned and ridden by Lieutenant Mario Lorendo. [Applause] - Isn't he a beautiful horse, Daddy? - Beautiful horse. [Hoof Bumps Pole] - He's terribly good, isn't he? - Terribly. [Crowd Gasps, Applauds] [Announcer] Number 7 44, Rascala, four faults. - L-is Suzie next? - No, ma'am. She's the last entry. - Last entry. - Just keep 'em crossed, Aunt Martha. [Crowd Gasping] [Announcer] Number 11 7, eight faults. If Suzie doesn't come on soon, I'm gonna be a basket case. - And now, the last exhibitor, number 320, Aspercel... - Already? Owned by Miss Helen Bolton, ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens. - [Applause] - Okay, Aspie, let's go. - [Applause Continues] - Whoa. Come on, Aspie. Show 'em how. - [Gasps] - [Brief Applause] [Applause Continues] - Well, coach? - I didn't particularly like that third fence, Suzie. You took a chance with it, but you got away with it. Number 320, Aspercel, ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens... a clean round, no faults. - No faults! - Daddy, no faults! Of course, no faults! That's my girl Suzie. - Yeah! - Ladies and gentlemen... the winner in class 7 2, open jumpers, bonus point... first place, number 3 20, Aspercel, ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens. - Congratulations, senorita. - Thank you! - Wasn't he a doll? - You both were. Is it all over? Is she the champion? - This is just a preliminary round, ma'am. - Prelim... - She gets five points for this win. - Five points. - There's still six days to go. - Six days. I hope I make it. [Applause] [Crowd Gasps, Applauds] [Nickers] - Good luck, pal. Hello. - Hi. Helen decided you and I should have dinner. Oh, Freddie, why don't you go to a restaurant and eat sensibly? I'm too jumpy to eat sensibly. Everybody thinks I'm becoming completely unglued, you know that? - You really are, aren't you? - No, no. Only when I see you go over those fences. I go over every one of them with you. I'm getting psychological saddle sores from watching. - Oh. - Open your mouth. - Big bite. Open your mouth. Come on. - Oh, no. There ya go. [Chuckles] You know, you're the only woman I've ever met who looks beautiful chewing. Uh, Suzie, l... Maybe I should wait on the moonlight and music bit, but, uh... [Clears Throat] I, uh... Every time I see ya go over those fences I figure I better hurry. - But l... - No, no, no, no. Don't stop me, because I might never get this out. - Suzie... - Ah! Good luck, senorita. - Good luck, Mario. - Senor? - Yeah, yeah. - Buena suerte. Ah, gracias, gracias. - Suzie? - Yes? - Suzie... - Suzie, Mr. Bolton. They just posted tonight's course. It's a monster. These first two fences are easy, but the third one is a... I think you better pay a little attention, young lady. - Fred, I'm sorry. - No, no, go ahead. I just came to wish you good luck... - As I say, the first one is easy. Watch going into the second. - And share dinner. Don't let him pick up too much speed. Now, as soon as you land, you take a sharp turn to the right. You're gonna need all the impulsion you can get over this third one. Now, the fourth one... that's pretty straight, but you've still got to watch... - [Nickers] - Look at the size of this spread. Ever seen a spread that size before? [Chattering] Hey, Freddie! Just the guy I'm lookin' for! Come on, Alex. I wanna get a shot of you and Dugan right here. - Well! - How do you do? How do you do? - Glad you could make it. - I wouldn't have missed it for the world. - You know my wife? - How do you do, Mrs. Dugan? We're gonna knock 'em dead tonight. Aren't we gonna knock 'em dead tonight? We're gonna try to knock 'em dead tonight. - I'll see you. - Yes. Freddie, where'd you go? Come here. Freddie! [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen... we have reached the climax of the Washington International Horse Show. The next event will be a jump-off... between Aspercel and Rascala. In this week's competition, these two finalists... have tied in total points. Thus, the winner of this event will be the grand champion jumper... of the Washington International Horse Show. For this event, we have departed from the standardjumping course... by adding the great wall as a final barrier. In case of a tie, the wall will be raised... - for a secondjump-off against the clock. - Excuse me, please. In just a moment now, the open jumper grand championship. - How's Suzie? - Oh, calm as... Well, this is it, isn't it? - Certainly is. - Yep. Ladies and gentlemen, our finalists have flipped a coin. And number 320, Aspercel, ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens, will be first to go. [Cheering, Applause] All right, meatball. It's a little tougher than the others, but you can do it. [Crowd Gasps] [Crowd Gasps] [Cheering, Applause] [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Aspercel, ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens... has a clean round, a perfect score. Now, our second finalist, number 7 44... Rascala, ridden by Lieutenant Mario Lorendo. - [Hoof Bumps Pole] - [Crowd Gasps] [Crowd Gasps, Applauds] Ladies and gentlemen, remember, there are no penalties for touches. Rascala and Lieutenant Mario Lorendo, a clean round, a perfect score! We have another tie. In a few moments, there will be a secondjump-off. [Applause Continues] Look what they're doing to the wall. [Announcer] Now the great wall is being raised to a height of seven feet. Nobody's gonna get over that thing alive. - Relax, Daddy. - Relax, relax. Look who's talkin', the program twister. Stay. Good luck, Senorita Suzie. Good luck, Lieutenant Mario. [Announcer] In this secondjump-off, ladies and gentlemen... time taken to complete the course will be the deciding factor... ifboth horses have equal faults or clean rounds. First to go will be Rascala... - ridden by Lieutenant Mario Lorendo. - Whoa. [Crowd Gasps] Ladies and gentlemen, Rascala and Lieutenant Mario Lorendo... four faults. Time:3 7.6 seconds. Now, our second contender... Aspercel, ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens. [Applause] [Crowd Gasps] - Is she out? - Four faults. - [Bolton] Now it's against the clock. - And she still has the wall. Beautiful! Clock? Ladies and gentlemen, Aspercel, owned by Miss Helen Bolton... and ridden by Miss Suzie Clemens... four faults! Time: 37 point... - Point what? - Point two seconds! Point two seconds! Look, honey, we won! Aspie! Aspie! - Congratulations, senorita. - Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, the first prize and trophy... for the grand champion open jumper goes to Aspercel. [Applause Continues] You know, you could do a lot worse than making Fred Bolton a partner. - Hmm? - Never mind. I'll tell ya later. Come on. Come on, honey. Come on, come on. Let's go. Excuse me. Here, let me have that, will ya, honey? Nice goin' there. - [Charlie] Come on, Alex. - Come on, Daddy! [Chattering, Laughing] Come on, Alex. Get one. [Dugan] Yes, thank you. Thank you. Yes, we did rather well out there. [Charlie] All right, folks, can we get a little room here, please? I want to get a picture of the little lady with... Get it, Alex. Right here. Sorry, Mr. Dugan. Good. All right, now where's the fellow with the silver soup bowl? - Harry, Harry, you got the silver thing? - Right over here. Yeah. Come on, honey. Come on, sweetheart. I'll take that, sir. Here. Take it right... Hey, congratulations! - My boy, I told you we'd make it. - Congratulations, Freddie. That's it. Very nice. Oh, General, good... - Lieutenant. - Lieutenant General. - No, just Lieutenant. - Yeah, all right. All right, come on. Let's get you over here. - [Charlie] By the man, that's it. - [Dugan] Ah, yes. Okay, that's a good one. Go. Now, I want a picture of me personally with the little girl that jumped the big wall! Right over here! Congratulations, Mr. Bolton. This must be a very big night for you. - Well, it's, uh... It is. It is. - Good night, sir. Shall I take him to his stall, Mr. Bolton? Uh, no, I'll take him. I'll take him. [Chattering] [Charlie] Come on. Let's get a little closer there, folks, for a picture. Come on, Aspie. Let's, uh, open up some oats and celebrate. [Charlie] Okay, now, this way, everybody! Good, good. One more. One more. Don't move. Don't move. One more. Well, Aspie, you did it. Won the big event. Well, saved my job, the Allied Drug account. So how come I feel so miserable? Feel like we won the battle and lost the war. So there you are. - Well, hello there and congratulations. - And where were you? Oh, uh, here, there. I was, uh... standing among your admirers, waiting to congratulate you. - That's enough. - Oh, you were, were you? Yes, yes, I was there, but you were, uh, tied up. I'm sorry, Freddie. Everything happened so fast. I was looking for you. It was no wonder you couldn't see me with your Mr. Madison... smothering you with those victory kisses. Oh, Freddie! You really are an ever-faithful, true-blue, cornball type. - Cornball? - I'm so happy I could cry. That was just my way of thanking Archer. Without him, we wouldn't have won or anything. - Yeah? - That's all. I promise. Now, wasn't there something terribly important... that you wanted to tell me... but never got the chance to? Yes, there was. Yes, there is. Come here. Come here. Suzie. - Suzie? - Mm-hmm. - I'm gonna talk fast. Suzie, l... - Suzie! Daddy! We've been looking all over for you! - L... I'll come back later. - No, no, honey. Honey, come back now. And you started the whole thing, so don't give me that fake surprise bit. - He finally got around to it. - Finally. Oh! Suzie, I'm so happy for you. Daddy! When's the wedding? - The wedding? - The wedding? - Oh, Daddy. - Well, you made it a pretty short courtship. Does save a lot of dialogue though, doesn't it? Hey, Freddie, come on! Dugan wants pictures of everybody with the soup bowl here. Get the trophy. Suzie, you hold it. Let's get you right close to the horse. That's it. In closer. Beautiful. Stay like that. Come on. Everybody close together. Alex, you set now? Look this way like a big happy family. |
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