[ Slow Middle Eastern music|plays ]
[ Indistinct conversations,|laughter ]
Where is my bride?
[ Wind whistling,|chimes tinkling ]
My wedding dress.|Quickly, put it on.
Soon you'll live your life|in jewels and not chains.
[ Woman chanting ]
Come, child.
Your groom awaits you.
[ Rock music plays ]
ALL: Honeybees,|all right, all right!
Honeybees, all right!
Whoo! Honeybees,|all right, all right!
Honeybees, all right!|Whoo!
ALL: Go...
Honeybees!
[ All cheering ]
You ready, Hildenburg?
Yes.
Great.
I have one question.
Why am I dressed like|one of the Fenmore Foxes?
Aren't they our hated|crosstown rivals?
Yes...but...
this year's theme is unity...|for a"ll" cheerleaders.
Oh.
Have fun.
[ Jeering and catcalling ]
CHEERLEADERS:|Wipe out the Foxes!
Ugh!
[ Crowd cheering ]
BOTH:|Boys are cheats and liars.
They're such a big disgrace.
They will tell you anything|to get to second...
Baseball, baseball,|he thinks he's gonna score.
If you let him go all the way,|then you are a...
Hor...ticulture studies|flowers...
[ Laughter ]
Oh, no, she didn't.
Oh, yes, she did.
Girlfriend's booty be|a"ll" wrapped up in licious.
"All" wrapped up.
You're pretty dope and phat|yourselves.
Ling-Ling!|You forgot lunch, baby pie!
Chicken with fried vegetable,|bulgogi, and Kimchi.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay. You all learn|real good now.
- Ling-Ling?|- Ling-Ling?
Can somebody answer the phone?
Oh, dang, that's messed up.
[ Both laugh ]
Out of all the Korean|liquor stores,
why did my dad have to|walk into that one?
I'm returning your papers|on the Salem Witch Trials.
I'm sad to report that Eden,|here, got the only "A."
Well, that's not fair.
I mean, she was the only one|who was actually there.
[ Laughter ]
[ Giggles ]
[ Speaks angrily|in foreign language ]
[ Giggles ]
Vice-Principal Bernard.
Oh, Miss Spencer,|wonderful job this morning.
You certainly know|how to whip up a crowd.
As pretty as you are, I bet|you really whipped them up
back when "you" were|cheerleading captain, hmm?
Me? Oh, no, no, no.
I was much more of a band|chick, actually... tuba...
lead tuba... honor band.
Well, then you wouldn't mind|writing us some passes
so we could, uh,|practice some new moves?
Oh, Jessica,|I- I-I don't know about that.
You know, that trophy|is gonna look "so" good
in your office.
Oh...
All right.
[ Chuckles ]
That's what girls do
They keep you guessing|the whole day through
[ All cheering ]
Play your emotions,|push all your buttons
It's true
That's what girls do
That's what we do
[ Giggling ]
Whoo!
You ask me why I gotta play|so hard to get
Ohh! Ugh! Oh!
You ask me do I play it cool|just to make you sweat
Mmm!|That's really good.
Um...|how much do I owe you?
It's okay.|It's on the house.
[ Smacks lips ]
Really?!
Thanks.
...through to you-u-u-u-u
- That's what girls do|- [ Girls giggling ]
They keep you guessing...
Who's gonna pay for that,|asshole?
You are not gonna make it|in this business.
[ Gasps ]|You total binger!
April, this is gonna go|straight to your ass.
"Itchbay" alert.
Bianca.
[ Sighs ]
Jessica, you look great!
Are you doing something|different
or just hanging out|with skankier friends?
[ Laughter ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
Wow, Bianca,|you look really good, too.
Um...are you eating less|or just barfing more?
[ Laughter ]
Barfing more.
Good luck|at the cheer competition.
Yeah.
You too.
[ Chuckles softly ]
Hmm...
[ Alarm ringing ]
[ All laughing ]
Bye-bye.
Agh!
ALL: Oh!
Let's go, Winona.
[ Indistinct conversation,|giggling ]
APRIL:|Jess, what are you doing?
Hang on a sec.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Whoa.
This is kind of cool.
[ Foreign accent ]|Can I help you ladies?
Oh, yeah. What is this?
Oh, yeah, I like that, too.
It's actually a Senegalese lute|carved from deerwood,
used for fertility rituals|and...
- Sure. Yeah.|- Cool.
Oh, and you can put|your weed in there.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
Check this out.
Oh, yeah. That's beautiful.
It's actually a model|of the prison on Robben Island
where Nelson Mandela|was held 27 years.
- Oh.|- Oh.
And before the collapse|of apartheid, of course.
Yeah, he came out|pretty hate-free, though,
you know, ready to heal...
went on to become|the president of South Africa
after that... after they freed|him, of course, sure.
- Wow.|- Yeah.
A lot of people|don't realize this,
but you can put|your weed in there.
- Oh. [ Chuckles ]|- [ Chuckles ]
This is great. Sure.
Well, if you have|any more questions,
I'll be in the back|sleeping, so...
Great.
Okay. Thanks.
Oh, actually,|this is the back. Sorry.
- Oh.|- Oh.
This stuff makes me feel so|proud to be African-American.
Ling-Ling!
You walk right by Crazy Nail,|no say "hi" me.
Hi, Mom.
Bye, girls!
Fake pearls!
[ Girls giggling ]
[ Up-tempo drum music plays ]
[ Music swells ]
[ Wind whistling,|chimes tinkling ]
[ Foreign accent ]|Stop banging those drums!
I'm sorry.
I didn't even know|you could hear that.
Oh, my God.|Look at those earrings.
I'd be the envy|of every girl at prom.
[ Gasps ]
Not like that was|in jeopardy or anything.
[ Girls laugh ]
Um, excuse me.|How much are these?
Not for sale.|That's a genuine artifact.
Oh.
No!
No!
Okay, I'm all set.
Is that all you got... $ 18?!
It's a gas station.
Everybody pays with|credit cards nowadays.
Help yourself to some nachos.
[ All giggling ]
[ Bell dings ]
Hey, that's for|Doug Flutie's kids!
- Aah!|- [ Bell dings ]
[ Tires squeal, bell dings ]
- Aah!|- Aah!
[ Laughter ]
[ Bell dings ]
[ Tires squeal, bell dings ]
[ Bell dings ]
[ Tires squeal, bell dings ]
- [ Tires squeal ]|- I'm in here!
- [ Bell dings ]|- Help!
Whoo!
[ Tires squeal, bell dings ]
[ Horn honks ]
Agh!
Agh!
[ Girls giggling ]
You look really good.|[ Laughs ]
Really good.
Um, excuse me...
[ Gasping ]
The gas cap's on "th"a"t" side.
Mm-hmm. Oh, I'm sorry.
[ Girls laugh ]
Uh, hello...
full service.
And, um, could you,|like, check the oil
and all that other junk|under the hood?
Like his job is that hard.
[ All laugh ]
Minimum wage|for a maximum loser.
Oh, good one.
Hey...check this out.
[ Horn honks ]
Ow!
[ All laughing ]
[ Grunting ]
Sorry. Accident.
You're so bad!
- [ Laughter ]|- I'm okay.
It's okay. I'm okay.
Hey, how much you bet|I can get him again?
[ Horn honks ]
- [ Grunts ]|- [ All laughing ]
Oh. Uhh.
- [ Sizzling ]|- Ow! Oh!
[ All giggling ]
Oops.
- [ Bell dings, horn honks ]|- Whoo!
It's the summer, the summer
Yo, my cats are trippin',|it's the summer
I'll get my swerve on,|fight evil villains gone
So come on now
I've been locked in a room|not waiting for long
And to tell you the truth
I don't even want to|sing this song
The sun is up, that's what|my crew is all about...
I'm so pretty.
Booger.
[ Giggling ]
Booger! [ Sighs ]
I told you not to|go through my stuff.
What are you doing|wearing my bra?!
I'm not "we"a"ring" your bra.
I was simply holding it|against myself.
Get out of my room,|you little turd!
Wait a minute.
What happened to you?
Nothing.
[ Gasps ]
Did that Cavanaugh kid|do this to you?
[ Sighs ]
All right. Come here.
He is such a punk.
You know, one of these days,|he's gonna get it.
There you go.
Better.
Is that my lipstick?!
[ Smooches ]
[ Scoffs ]
Ohhhhh!
[ Horn honks ]
[ Introduction to Butch Walker's|"Take Tomorrow" plays ]
Give me all your fear
Throw it all away
And think about|the good things
No matter what they say
We'll take tomorrow, baby
Yeah
One day at a time
Hey.
Hi.
[ Sighs softly ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh, Jess,|when you do that...
my whole leg tingles|and shakes.
Really?
Well, what happens|if I kiss you...
there?
[ Grunts ]
[ Laughs ]
You have to come snowboarding|with me this weekend.
Oh, silly Billy nilly,
I told you I'm not|having sex with you.
No.
We could sip hot chocolate
and play Scrabble|with my little brother.
[ Laughs ]
You call it whatever you want.
I'm still not having sex|with you.
[ Sighs ]
Billy...
look...
you know how important|this is to me.
And when that|special moment happens,
I just...I want it|to be perfect.
I would never dream|of rushing you.
[ Gasps ]
Thank you, Billy.
Oh...
If you change your mind,|we could drive up together.
I'll wait behind for you.
[ Laughs ]|Front...behind...
I'm still not doing it.
Good night, Billy.
[ Sighs ]
[ B.T. Express' "Do It|('Til You're Satisfied)" plays ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, your life is like|a fairytale.
You and Billy are, like,|totally Disney.
You know, it's scary sometimes.
I just...|I don't know what I'd do
if things weren't|so...perfect.
I'm so glad|you're my best friend.
- Oooh|- [ Chuckles ]
Go on and do it
- Do it|- [ Laughing ]
Do it 'til you're satisfied
Whatever it is
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay. Good night.
Bye.
[ Beep ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Wind whistling,|chimes tinkling ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ Exhaling deeply ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Urinating ]
Aaaaaaah!
[ Gasping, whimpering ]
Aaaaaaaah!
Aah!
[ Thud ]
[ Gasps ]
Aah! Aah!
- Aah!|- [ Knock on door ]
Jessica, honey,|is everything all right?
[ High-pitched ]|Yes, Mother.
It's just a spider.
A really big,|disgusting spider.
[ Whimpering ]
[ Dial tone ]
[ Dialing ]
Hi. It's April.|Leave me a message.
This isn't happening.|This isn't happening!
[ Panting, muttering ]
Oh, it's sick!
Sick!
Oh! Oh!
[ Panting ]
Oh!
Ow! Oh!
Ow! Ow! Ooh!
[ Dog barks ]
[ Gasps ]
Hey, Dad! Can I have|this cake for breakfast?
[ Deep voice ] Uh, yeah.|Whatever. Go for it.
Booger, what the hell|are you doing
eating my boss's cake?
I- I thought you just said|I could eat it.
- [ Snorts ]|- [ Car alarm beeping ]
[ Beeping stops ]
[ B.T. Express' "Do It|('Til You're Satisfied)" plays ]
Ooh-ah.
God...
Where's my...?!
[ Bell rings ]
[ Cellular phone ringing ]
Hello?
[ Deep voice ] April,|it's me... Jessica.
I need you to meet me right|after class out by the track.
Is this really Jessica?
Yes!
Oh, my God,|are you getting a cold?
The competition's only|a week away.
We may have bigger problems.
JESSICA: [ High-pitched ]|April...
April...
[ Deep, gruff voice ] April!
Agh!
Ah!
Whoa! [ Gasps ]
Ugh!
You stay away from me!
I have pepper spray|on my key chain!
[ High-pitched ] April,|I need you so bad right now.
You have no idea.
How do you know my name?
It's me...
Jessica!
[ Crying ] I'm in here.
[ Whining ]
What did you do with her?
I don't know what happened.
[ Breathing heavily ]
I woke up this morning...
like this.
Aah!
[ Gasping ]
And what did I tell you|about these things?!
They go straight to your ass!
People are gonna be|looking for me!
- You gotta believe me!|- I'm warning you!
- Please, I'm Jessica!|- Aah!
- Aah! Aaah!|- Aaaaaaah!
Agh! Agh! Ohh!
Aaah! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ugh! Ohh!
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Groaning ]
Aah! Ohh!
Ugh! Oh! Aah!
Aah! Agh! Oh! Ugh!
Agh! Ohh!
[ Crying ] Oh, my God!
I think I broke a rib!
My eyes burn!
I can't breathe!
This morning,|I woke up a man!
This is by far|the worst day of my life!
[ Panting ]
April!
Do you remember|in second grade
[ Sniffles ] when you moved here|from Arkansas?
Everybody threw rocks|at you...
because you talked funny
and your front two teeth|were brown!
[ Gasps ]
I was your only friend.
I gave you that locket|around your neck
when your grandmother|was sick.
And you said...
you said...
We'd be bestest friends|forever.
[ Coughs, sniffles ]
[ Gasps ]
Boys are cheats and liars.
They're such a big disgrace.
TOGETHER: They will tell you|anything to get to second...
Baseball, baseball,|he thinks he's gonna score.
If you let him go all the way,|then you are a...
Hor...ticulture studies flowers.
Geologist studies rocks.
The only thing|a guy wants from you
is place to put his...
Cock...roaches, beetles,
butterflies, and bugs.
Nothing makes him happier|than a giant pair of...
Jug...glers and acrobats,|a dancing bear named Chuck.
All guys really want to do is...|forget it, no such luck.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[ Gasps ]
How did this happen?
[ Whines ]
I don't know what to do.
Okay, okay.
[ Bell rings ]
[ Sighs ]
Here.
Go to my house|and wait for me in my room.
Don't worry. We're gonna|figure this thing out.
Here.
[ Groans softly ]
You are my bestest,|bestest friend.
[ Sniffles ]
Ow! Ow!
Ow.
Watch the beard.
Sorry.
[ Roxy Saint's "Firecracker"|plays ]
Oh!
So, come on, baby, listen
With 20/20 vision
I knock out competition
Hi.
[ Coughs ]
Okay, so, listen,|she bought it.
I told your mom|you're going on that ski trip,
and that'll at least|buy us the weekend.
You think I'll be stuck|like this all weekend?!
[ Cries ]
[ Buzzes ]
Ow!
Aah!
[ Grunting ]
Oh!
Gross.
[ Buzzing ]
Agh!
I've got hair everywhere...
in my nose, in my ears,|on my chin.
I'm afraid to look|anywhere else.
[ Shudders ]
It's like I'm an ad for hair.
Okay, well, listen,|maybe this will help.
Okay.
Ahh...
Yeah.
Okay. Against the grain.
- Okay, ready?|- Mm-hmm.
Hold still.
- [ Rip ]|- Aaah!
Grrrah! Agh!
Ow.
Uh...
Ow.
So...
[ Grunts ]
So, uh...
What?
Do you really have a penis?
April!
Can I see it?
What is the matter with you?!
I don't think you get the|gravity of the situation here.
You're right.|You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can I see it?
W... what is your problem?
What?
It's not every day that|your best friend grows a penis.
Do you want to see it?
Okay, fine...
if it'll shut you up.
[ Laughs ]
[ Mutters ]
Nice.
Nice.
I mean, you know...
I've only seen a couple,|but that's definitely top 5.
How many have you seen?
Five.
Not including|my little brother's.
[ Laughs ]
You little tramp!
Aah!
[ Laughing ] Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aaah!
Aah! Aah!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, motherfuck! Oh!
Stan...
I am beginning to worry|about April.
She has been acting|rather strange.
- Is it drugs?|- No, no.
I...I think it's|her hormonal development.
She just ate six peanut-butter-|and-jelly sandwiches
and an entire carton|of ice cream.
And what do you make|of this, hmm?
It's April's soap.
Well?
What do you think?
I think you need more things|to fill out your day.
Okay?
Are we done?
[ Laughs ]
[ Cellular phone rings ]
[ Beep ]
Hello?
[ Jessica crying in deep voice ]
All right, who is this?
I should have made love to you|when I had the chance.
Ohhh...
Father Mulcahy?
[ Beep ]
[ Children shouting playfully ]
[ Gasps ]
[ High-pitched ]|Tell me I'm beautiful.
On the inside.
Look, uh...
Jessica has a problem.
She's only gonna make us|wait an hour this time?
What about the class trip|to Six Flags?
She took so long in the|bathroom, we all missed the bus.
Our parents had to drive|three hours to pick us up.
I had my period, okay?!
[ All gasp ]
[ All laughing ]
Okay, now that everybody's|up to speed,
can we start thinking about|how I can get my life back?
Um, that's definitely gonna cost|you a few votes for prom queen.
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
Come on, you guys, let's get|serious. Stop dicking around.
[ Laughter ]
Guys!
I've got cheerleading|competition, the prom.
None of my clothes fit.|I think I'm going bald.
And how am I gonna go|to school?
She's right.
Okay...
let's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Gasps ] Maybe it wasn't|an accident.
It's gotta be one of the people|who hates Jessica that did this.
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
People don't hate me.
[ Exhales deeply ]
You see, Jess...
because you are|so beautiful and perfect...
Uh-huh?
...certain people|might misconstrue
some of the mean and hurtful|things you say and do to them.
Although the things|you say are funny...
[ Laughs ]
...people tend to focus more
on their own|public humiliation and shame.
So you're saying...
people think...
I'm perfect?
Let's make a list of all|the people who hate Jessica.
You know what would be|a shorter list?
All the people|who "don't" hate Jessica.
[ Laughter ]
You bitch!
[ All screaming and laughing ]
[ Screaming and laughter|continue in distance ]
Easy on the coffee.
[ All laughing ]
Ha ha ha ha!
Ho ho ho!
- Ugh!|- Ohh!
[ Chuckles ]
Ugh!
[ Gasps ]
- Ugh!|- Aah!
Ha ha ha!
Aah!
Ha ha ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[ Gasps ]
- Ugh!|- Agh!
[ Laughing ]
[ Gulps ]
Huh?
Oh, hi.
Good morning.
[ Groans ]
Did you sleep well?
Mmm. Surprisingly, yes.
You have any...
special dreams?
Not particularly.
Hmm.
You sure?
Why?
Oh, my God, my first boner!
[ Giggles ]
[ Brakes squeal ]
- RICHIE: There you are!|- Ah!
You're the gardener|from the service, right?
[ Mexican accent ] "Si. "
Damn lawn's a mess.
It's my daughter's|responsibility to look after it,
but you know teenage girls.
Si, si.
"Teenageros. "
Sorry. Richie Spencer.
Ah, um...
Taquito.
Oh, Taquito.
There's the mower.
There's your bag|of fertilizer.
- Oh, ho! [ Gasping ]|- I'll let you get to it.
[ Salsa music plays ]
Damn, I love the smell|of fresh-cut grass.
[ Air hisses ]
"Gr"a"ci"a"s," but...I'm not sure|I'm old enough, "senor. "
[ Laughing ] Yeah, right.
What is the drinking age|in Mexico... 40?
Come on, take a load off.|You can finish in a minute.
[ Sighs ]
Hope you don't mind|the light beer.
I had to cut back|on account of the bloating.
Know what I mean?
I also had to give up the spicy|food on account of my asshole.
[ Farts ]
Ah!
We're amongst men, aren't we?
[ Breathes deeply ]
"Stinko de mayo. "
You like that car?
That's my daughter's.
Pretty nice, huh?
It would have looked|even better in red.
That's what my daughter said.
We used to go out back on|Sundays and toss a few baskets,
shoot the shit.
But she's got her own stuff|going on now.
Who could blame her?|Whole family's falling apart.
What?
Things with the wife...|forget about it.
I mean,|we sleep in the same bed.
Might as well be|separate countries.
That is, like, so sad.
Ay-yi-yi!
Ay-yi...yi.
I tried everything.|Nothing worked.
I even got out the razor and|gave myself a porn-star trim.
Wanna see? Check it out.
Aah!
Boy, she used to be wild.
The sex was great.
We'd be going at it,|and she could still find a way
to twist around|and kiss me on the mouth.
"Senor," information too "mucho. "
Emotional "scarro"...|disgusting.
It's good talking to you,|Taquito.
Oh!
[ Jimmy Eat World's|"Authority Song" plays ]
It's how the hustle goes
See what the jukebox knows
Put my last quarter on
I play "Authority Song"
Honesty or mystery?
Tell me,|I'm not scared anymore
Aha, aha
I got no secret purpose
I don't seem obvious, do I?
Hey, Jessica! Jessica!
Come here!
[ Panting ]
We've got a suspect.
Oh, yes!
Come on.
Something smells|like dog pooh.
I think|I'm sitting next to it.
- Ew!|- [ Laughter ]
APRIL: Come on, Hildenburg,|don't play dumb.
You hate Jessica, you're good|at this science crap.
Now, just confess|and give us the antidote.
April,|it's physically impossible
for a woman to transform|into a man overnight.
So you're saying that you|had nothing to do with this.
Look...
let's just pretend this was|an alternate universe
where I actually|believed you.
Why would I want to help|Jessica out, anyway?
[ Scoffs, sniffs ]
Jessica!
[ Sighs ]
Hildenburg...[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry|that I humiliated you
in front of|the entire school...
and the visiting 8th-graders.
[ Voice breaking ] But you|have no idea what it's like
to wake up every morning|and have to shave your chin.
[ Sniffles ]
[ Snorting ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Voice breaking ]|Yes, I do.
[ Sobs ]
[ Sighs deeply ]
Who's next on the list?
[ Laughs ] Whoa.
Well, it "is" cold in here.
[ Laughs ]
So you never put a hex on me?
Oh, I put plenty|of hexes on you...
to give you dandruff,|make your hair fall out,
make one of your boobs|bigger than the other.
[ Laughing ] Oh, I think|you got "me" with that one.
Heh hee hee! Ah hee hee!
[ Light laughter ]
There's some powerful|cult magic at work here...
like an ancient spell...
or voodoo...
or Santeria.
What's Santeria?
It's a Latin-based form|of witchcraft.
It originated in Africa
and then eventually|made its way to Cuba and Brazil.
Bianca!
I knew it.
Most of its rituals|involve a chicken.
That sounds delicious.
I mean, interesting.
EDEN:|There's a way to tell.
A true practitioner|of Santeria
bears the mark of the scorpion|tattooed on their back.
Bianca's always hanging out
at that dance club...|Instant Tang.
Yeah, tonight's ladies' night,|and we all get in for free!
[ All cheering ]
[ Cheering stops ]
Well, most of us.
Trust me...
Trust me...
you'll never get Bianca to dance|with you looking like this.
Oh, yeah, you're pretty|good-looking for a girl
- [ Girls gasping ]|- But your back is so broken
And this feeling's|still gonna linger on
- No...|- No...
- [ Girls gasping ]|- Until the year 2525 now
Yeah, you're pretty|good-looking for a girl
- [ Gasps ]|- Your eyes are wide open
Ugh! What is that?
And your thoughts have been|stolen by the boys
ALL: No...
Who took you out and bought|you everything you want, now
Yeah, you're pretty|good-looking, oh, yeah
[ Girls screaming ]
You're pretty good-looking,|oh, yeah
For a girl
What?
Nothing. [ Giggles ]
You just look good.
[ Chuckles ]
Really?
Yeah.
[ Both giggle ]
Okay. Thanks.
[ Laughs ]
No, she's not gonna...
No, he...|she's not gonna do it.
Yes, she is.
Mmm...
Mmm, mmm...
[ Smacks lips ]
Mmm...
[ Slurping ]
Wow!
That is so good.
T- That's $8.95.
What?
Aren't you just gonna take it|out of your tip jar?
Aah!
- [ Choking ] $8.95?|- Yeah.
I got that.
[ Rock music plays,|indistinct conversations ]
When I rock like this
Rock like this,|rock like this
When I rock like this
When I rock like this,|it's rhythm
When I rock like this
Rock like this,|rock like this
When I rock like this
When I rock like this,|it's rhythm
I'll take|two banana daiquiris,
one mango, a sloe-gin fizz,|one slippery nipple,
and for me,
a screaming orgasm on the beach|with extra sugar on the rim.
Yum!
[ Deep voice ] Uh...better|make that last one a brewski.
When I rock like this
Rock like this
Double brewski.
[ Lyric's "Young & Sexy" plays ]
Young, sexy
[ High-pitched ]|They didn't even card me.
It's just like Cabo.
[ Laughter ]
You know|I'll change for you
With your black Durag
How does a butt plug like that|get all those hot chicks?
I got dibs on the dots.
...got plans for you
God damn!
Ooh, he's cute.
Check out the sweet buns|on that guy.
I'd like to get|my hands on those and...
[ Deep voice ] wish|they were women's breasts
and...squeeze the hell|out of 'em.
Maybe put a steak on 'em...
'cause I'm a guy.
That's what guys like me|like to do.
But I don't need|to tell "you" that.
[ Inhales sharply ]
Bianca.
Yeah
Ohh
I'll show her.
This is "my" song.
Ohh
Remember,|the scorpion on her back.
I'll find it.
24 a day, 7 days a week
Now, when you're driving|in your 4x4
And you turn this up|on your stereo
Whether night or day,|nonstop, you'll play
And you know|you still want more
So find a honey|that's standing on the wall
All the girls|get the guys on the floor
Ah!
From the front to the back,|let's go
Hear this
Ew!
Somebody hit the lights
So we can rock it|day and night
APRIL: The tattoo!
I don't see it!
From a. m. to p. m.
Everybody lookin' like stars
All the chicks and the fellas|in the bars
All of y'all bumpin' this|in your cars
Right hand, red.
Ooh...left hand, blue.
Ooh!
Huh! Ha!
Aaaaaah!
Yeah
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Introduction to Mystikal's|"Shake It Fast" plays ]
[ All cheering ]
Shake it fast,|watch yourself
Shake it fast, show me|what you're working with
Shake it fast,|watch yourself
Shake it fast, show me|what you're working with
Shake it fast,|watch yourself
Shake it fast, show me|what you're working with
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
It's definitely not her.
Don't worry.|We'll figure this out.
You're a great dancer.
You're just noticing that now?
[ Laughter ]
I gotta hit|the little girls' room
before I soak my panties.
[ Slurping ]
Um...
[ Deep voice ]|By that, I mean...
my girlfriend's panties...
which I carry with me...
to pee in...
if I don't make it in time...
to the bathroom.
What?
You don't pee in your|girlfriend's panties?
What kind of gay club|is this?
Hey, everybody,|check out this guy...
not peeing in his|chick's panties.
[ High-pitched ]|Excuse me...
do you have to be|in here for this?
Well, it's part of|my job description,
but if you're one|of those shy guys,
you try that stall there.
[ Fart ]
Uh...there's someone|in there.
And they're gonna be in there|for a long time, too.
I told him to stay away|from the calamari.
[ Farting continues ]
Some folks think they can eat|anything that crawls.
Would you mind?
[ Sighs ]
Ooh! Ah!
Ooh, hoo!
[ Gasping ]
Excuse me?
Why is there ice in there?
Ooh!|I wouldn't have done that.
[ Door hinges squeak ]
Oh!
[ Urinating ]
You're good at that.
You make it look so easy.
Why don't you just|take a picture?
[ Sighs ] All right.
Here goes.
Disgusting! Wrinkly! Gross!
Ew!
- [ Urinating ]|- Oh!
Oh! I've never|done this before.
It's going all over.
It's always good|to aim at something,
like that cigarette there...|or the big mint.
It's going everywhere!
You got to hold on to it.
Not too tight, but enough to|let it know you're the boss.
[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh!
See that fly?
Aim for it.
That's... that's helping.
That's it.
Remember, if you shake it|more than twice,
you're playing with it.
[ Belt buckle jingles ]
[ Sighs deeply ]
I don't know how I could|ever thank you.
[ Dance music plays,|indistinct conversations ]
Hi!
Hi!
"Th"a"t" was an experience.
Here's your drink.
Is there any ice in here?
No.
Thank God!
Hey...aren't you that chick
who's having sex|with that college guy?
No!
Wanna be?
[ Laughter ]
She's not interested, okay?
So why don't you just back off?
Okay, Grandpa.
What are you, their pimp,|and these are your skank hoes?
[ Both gasping ]
You and me, right now...|let's go.
Where we going?
[ Moans ]
- Aah!|- No!
[ Indistinct conversations|continue, rock music plays ]
Jess!
[ Knuckles cracking ]
- Come on, Jess. Come on!|- You can do it.
What do you got, geezer?|Come on!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
You can do it! Come on!
Show me what you got!
Come on!
[ Air whistling ]
What the...
What's he doing?
Some kind of Tae-Queer-Do.
[ Girls screaming ]
That's it!
ALL: Oh!
No! Aaah!
Ohh!
ALL: Ohh!
Ohh!
Ohh!
[ Indistinct shouting|continues ]
Aah!
Ohh!
Ha ha!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Jess!
Oh!
- Ooh, yeah!|- Yeah!
[ Guys cheering ]
That really "does" hurt.
Thanks for sticking up for me.
Now go kick some ass.
[ Rock music continues ]
Aah! Oh!
[ Indistinct shouting|continues ]
Ohhh!
Ohhh!
[ Rip ]
Aah!
Oh!
You think you're so cool 'cause|you can pee with your penis.
Get a new conditioner.
Your ends are totally split.
[ Whimpers ]
[ All laughing ]
You rock!
April, I don't know.
Oh, come on. This is the only|way you can be in school.
[ Inhales sharply ]|Here comes Jake.
- Hi!|- Hey, baby.
[ Giggles ]
So, skiing sucked.
I mean, you didn't miss a thing.|It was all mushed out.
Oh...
[ Giggles ]
What's with the scarf?
It's kinda chilly in here.
[ Shivers ]
[ Clears throat ]
[ Gasps ]
Ski rash.
So, I'm gonna...|[ Clears throat ]
I better... I'm gonna|go to class, so...all right.
[ Laughs ]
April, I am so sorry.
[ Voice breaking ] He didn't|even ask me to the prom.
Jake and I are "so" over.
Okay...[ Chuckles ]
Now, you get in there.
[ Inhales sharply ]
And remember...|your name is Spence.
I must tell you...Spence,|uh, there a"re" applicants
who actually have|prior janitorial experience.
Your hair...
it has such bounce.
Oh, it's this new cream ri...
Um, anyway,|a- as I was saying,
you haven't really|provided me with...
Look, uh...|[ Exhales sharply ]
Uh, I'll be honest with you.
I'm a struggling musician.
Ever since my days|playing the tuba
in the high-school|marching band...
Y- You... you...|you play the tuba?
Yes...
in the honor band.
Oh!
[ Imitating tuba ]
[ Laughs ]
Well, Spence, I'd be going|out on a limb here, but...
You won't regret it, I promise.
Thank you, Miss Bernard.|Thank you.
[ Laughing ]|Please, call me Marjorie.
[ Deep voice ] Marjorie.
Now, if you'll just fill out|the security portion here
of the form...
[ High-pitched ] All right.
[ Laughing ]
Billy...
Aah!
We need to talk.
About what?!
I called you|on your ski trip to...
That was you?!
Yeah.
Oh, God!
I can explain.
- Billy, wait!|- [ Door closes ]
[ Rock music plays ]
[ Panting ]
I gotta do what?
- [ Salsa music plays ]|- [ Barking ]
Boom de rico mambo
Hi, there. I miss you.
Hi, Sam.
[ Barks ]
Hey, Taquito, think fast.
Oh!
[ Mexican accent ]|You got me, "senor. "
Taquito, pick up that ball.
You and me are gonna|shoot some hoops.
Boom de rico mambo
Gotcha!
Back to Tijuana!
[ Laughs ]
[ Basketball bouncing ]
Este rico mambo
Oh!
Oh!
[ Groans painfully ]
Let me make you feel|a little bit more at home.
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-al!
Huh
How are things|with the missus, "senor?"
Eh, still not getting any.
[ Sighs ]
When was the last time|you kissed her?
You mean, kiss her,|or "kiss her" kiss her?
[ Laughs ]
Eugggh!
"Senor," sometimes when|a woman is ignoring you,
that's when|she wants you the most.
She's only waiting for you|to open up her passion,
which is like a waterfall|waiting to explode.
You must get a lot|of enchilada, Taquito.
Come on, bring it!
"Tres" points, "senor. "
Lucky shot.
Ah!
My outs again, "senor. "
[ Net swishes ]
Oh!
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
How did you know I don't|move so well to my right?
CAROL: Booger?
Oh, have you seen your sister?
I feel like I haven't|talked to her in days.
She was here a minute ago.|You just missed her.
Oh.
Good game.
[ Sighs ]
[ High-pitched ]|"Senor" Richie?
I need to tell you|something...
[ Voice breaking ]|but I can't.
What do you got|going on, Taquito?
I'm not really a gardener.
I agree with that.|The roses look like shit.
[ Sniffles ]
I'm sorry.
Come on, now,|easy there, big fella.
They're just roses.|[ Chuckles ]
I want to tell you...
I think you're the greatest dad|in the world.
Any kid would be lucky|to have you as their father.
[ Sniffles ]
Thanks, Taquito.
[ Sobbing ]
I'd hate to see you|after you "lose" a game.
EDEN: Okay, did you eat|any wolfsbane?
Uh, no.
Any sex with a leprechaun?
Not recently.
[ Beeps ]
Oh, my God.
You know, they should come|with a warning...
"earrings may come|with penis. "
[ Foreign accent ]|This be some serious shit.
Those belonged|to Princess Nawa.
There's a myth
of her using the earrings|to escape a bad marriage.
[ Up-tempo drum music playing ]
But she didn't know
that she had to bring|the earrings back together,
and she lived out her life|as a slave girl.
Now, it appears that|this myth is anything but.
[ Music swells ]
[ Sighs ]
Would you stop|with the damn drumming?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I...just was really|getting into your story.
You've got to find|that other earring
and unite them|before the full moon end.
[ Introduction|to Custom's "Mess" plays ]
I'm a messed-up kid
With a messed-up head
Driving this wreck|of a life
I got you, babe.|Don't worry about it.
'Cause my messed-up parents
- [ Tapping on window ]|- Hey, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling, look!
Look, I help! I help you!
They're all a mess|just like me
If you put us all together
It gets really ugly
[ Cheering ]
I'm a mess
I'm a mess
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Hey, Billy.
Oh!
Yeah!
Is he okay?
Whoo!
[ Water running ]
JAKE:|What's the matter, man?
You afraid the janitor's|gonna see your dingdong?
[ Chuckles ]
So, what's up|with you and the prom queen?
I don't know.|[ Sighs ]
I thought everything was fine,|but I guess I was wrong.
See, that's why|you gotta have a spare, man.
That's what April is.|She's my spare.
Spare?
Yeah, she's my backup.
I mean, she was a fun ride...|no doubt about this...
but she is|a previously owned vehicle.
I'm into that new-car smell.
JESSICA: You asshole!
W- Whoever left these|towels over here...
is an asshole.
Now, this new chick I got...|[ Whistles ]
dude, she is gonna be|the hottest chick at the prom.
I bet one of her|little hottie friends
would love to go out|with the quarterback.
- Oh, I don't know, man.|- Come on, man.
Maybe this one will put out,|unlike that cold fish, Jessica.
You go to hell!
Whoever left|these showers on...
go to...hell.
Hey...
Jessica's anything|but a cold fish, all right?
She's the most amazing girl|in the whole world.
Dude, you've never even|been out of California.
I don't care.
I love her.
I mean, I know she thinks
I only want to have|sex with her,
but that's not|what it's about.
I mean,|when that moment comes...
I want it to be perfect.
Wow.
That is the gayest thing|I have ever heard.
She's the only girl|that makes my heart
beat faster and slower|at the same time.
When I'm not with her...
I'm not living.
I'm only existing until I can|hold her in my arms again.
[ Sighs ]
Gay, gay, gay, gay.
[ Sobs ]
[ Sniffles, sighs ]
Somebody shit in the locker.
[ Sniffles ]
[ Salsa music plays ]
Can I help you|find something?
[ Mexican accent ]|I- I was looking for my...
earring.
It, uh, accidentally fell...
into the lawn mower...
and, uh...ricocheted|into the window.
[ Laughing nervously ]
I've always liked|earrings on men.
Would you like some lemonade?
Here you go, Taquito.
It's got a Mexican flavor|to it.
[ Coughing, choking ]
[ Coughing ]
What the hell is that?!
Quesadilla and spicy menudo|with jalapenos...
your national dish.
[ Laughing ]
I'm sorry.
[ Sighs, chuckles ]
[ Deep voice ] It's been so long|since I heard you laugh.
[ Mexican accent ]|I mean...
since I started|working here.
- [ Moaning ]|- Oh! Oh!
[ Smooching ]
Back!
[ Gasps ]
Oh, I... I am so sorry.
- [ Sighs ]|- No "problemo. "
[ Sighs ]
No "problemo. "
Oh!
[ Deep voice ]|Aah! Carol! Carol! Please!
This would be|very unnatural for me
in at least|five different ways!
Ah! Oh!
[ Gasps ]
So...you like men?
Of course I do.
What do you think?
Oh...
Oh...
[ Laughs ]
[ Sighing ] Oh...
[ Sighs ]
Carol...
You are a beautiful|and very desirable woman.
And you have a husband|who's "dying" to be with you.
H- He said that?
Yes.
I cleaned up the language|a bit, but...yes.
I know!
Let's go paint your toenails.
Then we'll wash your hair!
[ Laughs ]
My daughter, Jessie,|used to do those things for me.
I'll make up for that|right now.
Come on...
let's show that man of yours|what he's been missing.
- [ Laughs ]|- Come on!
[ Laughing ] Okay!
[ Sighs ]
[ Carol giggling ]
[ Mexican accent ]|Uh-huh, uh-huh.
"Si," yeah, "si, si. "
Uh-huh. Okay.
"Si," uh-huh, "si, si. "
- "Si, si. "|- [ Moaning ]
To the left... ooh,|right, right, right, right!
Oh, yes! Oh!
- "Si. "|- I love that. Oh, yes!
- Carol!|- [ Gasps ]
How could you?!|In my own house?!
"Senor"...
And you, Taquito...|we were supposed to be amigos!
- The loofah for the scrubbing.|- Get out!
"Senor," is for the...|the bath. I was...
- Shut up-o.|- I was scrubbing.
- Out!|- "Senor... "
Richie, Richie...
[ Sighs ] Really, i-it's...|it's not what you think.
[ Sighs ]
It's my own fault.
Oh, Daddy!
Mmm! Oh!
- [ Water splashes ]|- Oh! Oh, Daddy!
Look at all these earrings.
It's hopeless.
I'm sorry.
[ Sighs ]
The prom's in three days.
Forget about|the cheer competition.
[ Sighs deeply ]
I had it all.
And I never really|appreciated it.
I took everybody for granted.
Oh, and today, my dad walked in|on me and my mom in the tub.
I think I may have|lost my job as gardener.
[ Sighs ]
You know, I'm kinda|sorry to say this,
but...this has been|really fun.
[ Giggling ]
[ Laughing ]
Yeah, right.
[ Telephone rings,|answering machine beeps ]
Hey, babe, it's Jake.
Listen, I got a half-hour|after wrestling.
I can either take a shower|or I can come on over.
[ Deep voice ]|Too late, dude.
She's with me right now.
She says that my peepee's|way bigger than yours.
And that's|if I fold it in half.
[ Gasps ]
Wha...
- No way!|- [ Laughs ]
Oh, my God,|that was awesome, Spence.
[ High-pitched ] Anytime.
[ Laughs ]
[ Both sigh ]
[ Sighs ]
You know, I really thought|I was in love.
How do you know for sure,|anyway?
I think it's when|you find someone
that you can really|be yourself with...
share anything...you know?
You mean like best friends?
Yeah.
Love's when|you can't even imagine
what your life would be like|without that other person,
when words don't come close to|how your heart really feels.
And even though it doesn't|make sense to other people,
you "know" you're meant|to be together.
Yeah.
And you spend all night|thinking about him.
And in the morning,|you've never felt more rested.
Oh, it's like you have to|grab on to something,
'cause it seems like your whole|body's about to float away.
[ Gasps excitedly ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
Okay...
- [ Exhales sharply ]|- What?
I have an idea.
What? What, what?
- Tell...|- It might sound kind of crazy.
Tell me. Tell me. What?
Why don't you and I|go to the prom together?
That would be awesome!
- Yeah!|- [ Laughs ] Yeah!
- So cool!|- [ Both laughing ]
Aaah!
Yeah!
We'd make Jake so jealous.
Yeah.
Ahhhh.
[ Laughs ]
I got to pee.|Ooh, I got to pee.
Ooh.
[ Exhales sharply ]
Hmm-hoo!
[ Urinating ]
- [ Farting ]|- Oh.
[ Exhales sharply ]
- [ Urinating, farting ]|- Oh!
- [ Splattering ]|- Oh, jeez!
Sorry, I'll get that.
Are you okay?
I'll get it.
Sorry.
Ash to ash
And dust to dust
We dream of...
Jessica?
We sold you...
Jessica?!
Our trust
[ Tires squealing ]
Jessica!
Oh, Jessica.
Oh. Oh, thank God.|[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]|I love you, baby.
[ Sighs deeply ]
I would do anything for you.
[ Scoffs ] Yeah?
[ Sighs deeply ]
Uh...how much money you got?
What?
How much money you got?
Um...
Uh...
About $40.
That your car?
It's my dad's.
You know that.
Oh, yeah. Cool.
Give me the keys.
[ Keys jingling ]
Oh. Thanks.
[ Sniffs ]
Hey, uh, so, uh,|w- what'd you say your name was?
Billy.
Oh, yeah. Ooh.
Take it easy, Bobby.
- [ Door creaks, closes ]|- It's "Billy. "
[ Engine turns over ]
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Rock music plays,|tires squealing ]
Aaah!
[ Music stops ]
[ Panting ]
[ Crying softly ]
[ Crowd cheering,|dance music plays ]
Yeah.
[ Whistle blows, music stops ]
[ Salsa music plays ]
Where's Jessica?
[ Sighs ]|Don't worry, Miss Bernard.
She'll be here.
[ Music continues ]
[ Men singing in Spanish ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey.
[ Exhales sharply ] I really|hope this works, Jessica.
Come on,|let's go kick some ass.
Okay.
Aah. Oh!
Dude, there's Jessica.
Whatever.
Dude!
[ Whistles, cheers ]
Number one!
She "does" love me.
[ Dance music plays,|whip cracks ]
Are you feeling fierce?
[ Introduction to Run-D.M.C.'s|"It's Tricky" plays ]
It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme|that's right on time
It's tricky
It's tricky, tricky,|tricky, tricky
[ Dance music plays ]
Whoo-hoo!
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
ALL: The Bees are coming!|The Bees are coming!
Sting this!
That's you! That's you!|I see you!
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
Yeah!
[ Music stops ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
- Whoa! Oh!|- GIRL: Aaah!
[ All gasping ]
Aaah!
[ Panting ]
[ Girls screaming ]
- [ Vomiting ]|- Oh! Je...
[ Retching ]
Oh, come on, man.
[ Feedback ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
it appears the older gentleman|in the bee outfit
with the fake boobs|is the school janitor.
As per Section 31 C|of the rule book,
school employees|are allowed to be mascots.
Say hello|to your new champions...
the Bridgetown Honeys!
- [ Cheers and applause ]|- ALL: Aaah!
Aaah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
ALL: Aaah!
[ Laughing wildly ]
- Whoo-hoo!|- Oh!
Ugh!
Give me all your fear
Throw it all away
And think|about the good things
No matter what they say
We'll take tomorrow,|baby, yeah
One day at a time
WOMAN ON TV: Here's|a bizarre story for you...
police are now searching|for the hot chick bandit...
a beautiful young woman who|lures men into dark alleyways,
beats them senseless,|and takes their wallets.
Well, we thought|maybe she needed some help.
Yeah, we're helpful guys.
So we went into the alley, and|then she starts wailing on me.
And let me tell you...|she didn't hit like a girl.
Luckily, Fitzy,|the good guy that he is...
he was hiding behind a dumpster|with a video camera.
Looks like she worked you over|pretty good.
Yeah, well,|don't get me wrong...
I got some shots in.
Ow!
- [ Thud, thud, thud ]|- Ow! Ow! Ow!
[ Whimpering ]
Ow!
Ow!
- [ Thud ]|- Owww!
[ Thud ]
Owww!
Why? Oh, God.
Oh, God, that hurt.
Owww!
[ Whimpering ]
- Why?! [ Whimpering ]|- [ Telephone beeping ]
[ Whimpering continues ]
[ Ringing ]
Hi, it's April.|Leave me a message.
- [ Beep ]|- April, it's Hildenburg.
I think I found Jessica's body.|It's in an alley outside a bar.
But we got to move fast, because|the police are looking for it.
- Call me back.|- Ohh! Oh!
Aaaahhh!
- [ Thud ]|- [ Cat screeches ]
[ Slow piano music plays ]
[ Jessica sniffles,|cries softly ]
Jessica?
[ Crying softly ]
[ Sighs deeply ]
[ Sniffles ]
[ Sniffles ]|Not now, Booger.
I knew it!
Jessie, it "is" you!
How come you didn't|snitch on me?
'Cause you're my sister,
and I accept you|for who you are.
Come here.|[ Sighs deeply ]
[ Inhales sharply ]
You are such a little weirdo.
[ Sniffles ]
That's right, don't be|looking at me like that
See, my name|is Grandma Funk, y'all
Funk if you're nasty,|darling
Ooh...
Sweet as cand-y!
KEECIA'S MOTHER: Ling-Ling!
I need|a little more volume
"L" to the "I"|to the "N" to the "G."
[ Laughs ]
Ling-Ling, you forgot|your bling-bling.
Mom...|you're ruining my life!
I just want|to meet you halfway.
Are you ready to get down,|get funky?
Nigga, "prease"!
[ Groove Armada's|"I See You, Baby" plays ]
I wish my mama got "me"|some bling-bling.
Honey, if you don't|want her as your mama,
"I'll" take her.
- Girl, please.|- Girl, please.
Uh!
- What?|- Uh!
- Come on!|- Uh!
[ Eerie music plays,|siren wailing ]
Whoa,|hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Whoa,|pretty, pretty shy one
Whoa,|hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Whoa,|pretty, pretty fly one
You still think I have|a chance at prom queen?
No.
Okay.
[ Music continues ]
Mom!
I'm sorry.
But why do you have to|keep embarrassing me
in front of my friends?
[ Sighs ]
You're not ashamed of me.
You're really ashamed|of yourself.
[ Breathing shakily ]
Tell Lulu...
easy on the chronic.
[ Engine turns over,|buzzing ]
- Bow down|- When I come to your town
- Bow down|- When I'm Westward bound
Bow down
'Cause I ain't|a hater like you
Bow down to a dealer|that's greater than you
I take ten steps,|and I draw
[ Telephone ringing ]
Ohhh! Oh! Oh!
[ Ringing continues ]
[ Beep ]
Oh, h-h-hi, Carol.
Jessica didn't get ready here.
No. No, she hasn't|been here all week.
[ Beep ]
Oh! I knew it!
[ Gasps ] Something is going on|with Jessica and April.
Oh...oh, I'm gonna|get to the bottom of it.
If you ruin April's night,|I will have you put away.
Wh...
I- If you're not gonna help me,|I- I'm gonna do it myself.
[ Rustling ]
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Horn blaring ]
[ Blaring continues ]
[ Michelle Branch's|"You Get Me" plays ]
So I'm a little left|of center
I'm a little out of tune
I think this is a good spot.
Some say I'm paranormal
Jake's got to|come right by here.
I don't really care|about Jake anymore.
You shouldn't. He's a jerk.
There's no one I'd rather|be with here tonight.
I don't care|what they're saying
Me either.
[ Exhales sharply ]
As long as I'm your girl
April, you look|so beautiful tonight.
No one has ever been there|for me like you have.
You've always|been there for me.
Any guy would be so lucky to|have you as their girlfriend.
And I should know.
I've been a guy|for almost a week now.
And in that time, you have been|such a good friend to me.
I don't know how|I could ever thank you.
Ehhhh...
Here he comes.
[ Both chuckle ]
That dress looks great.
Is it easy to get out of?
[ Slurps ]
[ Inhales deeply ]
God.
Aaah!
Oh...
I am "so" lesbian right now.
[ Scoffs ]
We totally nailed him.|[ Laughs ]
Jake is so jealous.
He spilled his drink|all over his date.
You should've seen it.|[ Laughs ]
We already got him, honey.|He can't see us anym...
Spence, I love you.
I love you, too, April.
If you weren't holding on|to me right now...
I'd float away.
You're my best friend,|and now you're a guy.
It's meant to be.
[ Sighs ]
April...
you don't need me or any guy
to make you feel|beautiful and special...
because you are.
You are the greatest girl|in the whole world.
You are all you need.
I know it's crazy,|but I can't help it.
I'm in love with you, Spence.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
April...
You gonna be okay?
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
We're not gonna let|a little thing like...
me turning into a man|and you wanting to be with me
get in the way|of our friendship, are we?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]|I'm in love with Billy.
And if I'm gonna be|stuck like this forever,
he's just gonna have to|accept me as I am...
a man.
That's my man.
[ Dance music plays ]
I think I know|who's in Jessica's body.
[ Gasps ]
And I know|where we can find him.
Let's find Jessica|and get out of here.
Hildenburg,|you know what to do.
Come on.
[ Music continues ]
Aah!
Come on.
- [ Whip cracking ]|- MAN: That's a huge bitch.
[ Laughs ]|I didn't see it coming.
No way, man. [ Laughs ]
[ Whistles ]|Scoot. He's mine.
Mmm, boy, I don't think so.
Aah!
[ Sighs ]
[ Exhales sharply ]|Get away!
Billy...
It's me... Jessica.
It's a"Iw"a"ys" been me.
Mister...
you're freaking me out.
You know how|when I touch you there,
it makes your whole leg|tingle?
And when I touch you here...
No. No.|No, it can't be.
Do you remember|after the homecoming game...
after you threw the winning pass|to beat Carlmont,
you and I went|behind the scoreboard and...
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Whispering ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
You got to believe me.
Silly... Billy... nilly.
Just close your eyes.
You'll know it's me.
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Romantic music plays ]
Oh!
Oh, I can't!|I can't do it!
You always said you'd love me|no matter what.
Bu... I...|you're a 30-year-old dude!
Just on the outside!
Billy!
- [ Footsteps approaching ]|- Bil...
We found your body.
[ Panting ]
- It'll be fine.|- Are you sure she's all right?
I'm sure everything's|gonna be fine.
Booger, hurry up!
Come on, buddy!
You got to learn to run in those|heels if you're gonna wear them.
[ Engine turns over ]
[ Sister Sledge's "He's|The Greatest Dancer" plays ]
Oh, what, wow
- He's the greatest dancer|- There you go, sweetheart.
That I've ever seen
- I've ever seen|- [ Laughs ]
- Oh, what, wow|- [ Grunts ]
He's the greatest dancer
Oh, what, wow
That I've ever seen
Oh, shit!
[ Exhales sharply ]
I knew it was gonna be|a good night.
Ow! God.
Thanks, Hildenburg.
I want my body back right now!
Well, finders keepers,|sweetheart.
[ Lighter clicks ]
How dare you?! Do you know what|this could do to my lungs?!
[ Scoffs ]
You give me that earring!|Give me that earring!
You give me that earring.
Give it to me. Give it.|Give it to me.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Sit down.|Calm down. Calm down.
I'll make you a deal, okay?
Now...
just let me make another|500 bucks tonight, okay?
And then I'll give you|your body back
'cause it's|so important to you.
[ Mockingly ]|"I'm crying about my body. "
And then...
you can just loan it to me|every other weekend
and... so I can pay off|some gambling debts.
Weekends... loan you my body.
[ Chuckles ]
I want my body back!
Give me my body back!
- Give...|- [ Choking ]
Hey...
Look at me.
I'm only gonna|tell you this once...
no strangling the dancers|or you are out of here!
Now, can't you read?
[ Dance music plays ]
What are you waiting for?
Now, "this" is more like it.
I got to hit the head.
Give it to me
Life is what you make it
And it can pass you by
Hey, don't worry.
We're gonna get him.
[ Gasps ]
[ All laughing ]
Hey, babe.
[ Whistles ] Sweetheart.
Hey...
No way!
Jessica?!|This is where you've been?
[ Laughing ]
I want a dance from "you!"
Ye-e-e-ah!
Mar...
Oh.
Ugh! Oh!
[ Exhales rapidly ]
So, dancing naked|must be fun, huh?
Yeah, sure...
why wouldn't it be?
Where do you keep|your weed, though?
Give it to me,|give it to me
Ohhhh.
That's good.
I don't have one of those.
Sure.
[ Romantic music plays ]
[ Sighs ]
Bye, Spence.
You'll always be|my best friend.
Forever.
[ Sighs ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Introduction to|"More Than a Woman" plays ]
Billy?
Hi, Mrs. Spencer.
Mr. Spencer.
How's it going, Booger?
[ Sighs ]
This isn't the prom.
Oh, my God.
[ Sighs ]
More than a woman
Aaaaahhh
Anything yet?
No.
Oh.
There you go!|Come on, shake it!
Whoo! You naughty|little Honeybee.
Yes, you are!
Oh! Ho! Whoo!
[ Inhales sharply ]
Anything yet?
No.
I'm all right. I'm o...
Hey, yeah, yeah
More than a woman,|you'll see
[ Giggling ]
Aah
More than a woman
Ye-e-e-e-ah
[ Boing! ]
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Uh-huh.
More than a woman
Hey, buddy?|How about a lap dance?
...you'll see
Yeah, yeah, yeah
[ Gasps ]
[ Chuckling ]
[ Grunts ]
More than a woman,|you'll see
[ Choking ]
Hey! Can't you read?!
Monday night's gay night.
[ Choking ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
What?
Oh. [ Exhales sharply ]
[ Laughs ]
It's me?
[ Laughing ]
Really?
[ Uplifting music plays ]
Oh!
Oh!
It is! [ Gasps ]
It really is!
[ Laughing ] Oh.
[ Gasps ]
[ Both squealing ]
[ Inhales sharply ]
Aaah!
[ All laughing ]
[ Crowd murmuring ]
Taquito?
It's really you.
Billy.
Mmm...
[ Exhales sharply ]
Listen, I...I'm so so...
Doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
I don't care about the other|girl I took to the prom.
I don't care what Jake thinks.
I don't care|that you took my money,
stole my dad's car,
and...tried to run me|down with it.
No, I...
None of that matters.
[ Sighs ]
I'll even try to find a way
to get over your new job|as an exotic dancer.
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Romantic music plays ]
Billy...
do you feel that?
You are the only boy|who makes my heart
beat faster and slower|at the same time.
[ Sighs ]
[ Music swells ]
[ Sniffles ]
I'm not pressing charges.
Hey, you better get back|onstage, little lady.
The only place|this little lady is going
is home with me and my wife.
Hey, what kind of a place do you|think I'm running here, pal?!
Class valedictorian...
Keecia "Ling-Ling" Jackson.
[ Cheering ]
KEECIA: First of all,
I'd like to say I'm very proud|to be half Korean.
Thank you, honey!
But don't forget...|you're also one-quarter Jewish!
"M"a"zel tov," baby!
Shalom!
I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Wait! Wait!
[ Tires squeal ]
[ Music stops ]
Hey, how's it going?|[ Inhales sharply ]
Hey, thanks|for helping me out, man.
You're a good man.|You're a good guy.
[ Inhales sharply ]
[ Lou Rawls' "You'll Never Find|Another Love Like Mine" plays ]
You'll never find
Another love like mine
[ Tires squealing ]
Aaaahhh!
It's all right, it's okay
I'll keep holding on today
'Cause I'm waiting for|the starlight in your eyes
No more faith, no more hope
All that I can do is grope
For a shred of loving care|from my girl
The pain you felt|has burdened you
You can't feel love
I'm glad that I have been|with you
But that's not enough
In your arms, I would be
Overjoyed as any boy
Holding on to what he loves
Oh, so much
[ Guitar solo ]
The pain you felt|has burdened you
You can't feel love
I'm glad that I have been|with you
But that's not enough
In your arms, I would be
Overjoyed as any boy
Holding on to what he loves
Oh, so much
Holding on to what he loves
Oh, so much
Holding on to what he loves
Oh, so much
MAN: Action!
APRIL: Okay, let's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Scoffs ]
No clue.
I mean, my house "is" built on|an old Indian burial ground...
Sorry. Let's try again.
Okay, let's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Laughs ]
Sorry.
Okay, let's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Scoffs ] No clue.
[ Scoffs ]
One more time.
What could have caused this?
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]|Okay, one more time.
[ Sighs ]
Okay, let's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ] Okay.
Okay, one more time.|I'm ready.
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ]|Okay, I'll get it.
I'm used to it.
I've got cheerleading practice,|the prom.
[ Sighs deeply ]
[ Laughing ]
Oh [Bleep] h-hang on.
Action!
[ Scoffs ] No clue.
[ Laughing ]
WOMAN: Cut!
[ Bleep ]
MAN: Action!
[ Scoffs ] No clue.
I mean, my house "is" built|on an old Indian burial ground.
[ Scoffs, laughing ]
Sorr...
Aha! Here we go.
Sorry.
MAN: Action!
No clue.
[ Scoffs ]
I mean... [ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ] Sorry.|I'll get through it.
Aaah! Here we go.|I'm sorry. Give me that.
Aaah! [ Bleep ]
Are you saying...
people think I'm perfect?
[ Laughing ]
Are you saying...
people think I'm perfect?
[ Laughing ]
Sorry.
Are you saying...
people think I'm perfect?
[ Laughing ]
Okay. [ Laughing ]|Okay.
Then we got it?
- I think we got it.|- All right.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Music ends ]