"'I'd grind his skull under
the iron heel of me boot
"'into as many grains as there are hairs
"'on his head,' replied the barber.
"'But what if I did it?' cried Fagin.
"'I that know so much and could
hang so many beside meself.
"'What then?'
"'Whoever it was, I'd
serve them the same,'
"replied Sikes impatiently.
"'Tell me that again, once again,
"'just for Bill to hear.'
"'Tell you what?
"'Tell you what?' replied
thus the sleepy Noah.
"'That about Nancy, Nancy!' said Fagin,
"clutching Sikes by the wrist
"as if to prevent his leaving the house
"before he had heard enough."
- It is he.
Incredible.
- "'For your own sake or mine,
"'stop before you spill my blood!'
"The housebreaker struggled,
"freed one arm, seized a heavy club,
"and struck her down."
- Whoa, whoa there!
Whoa!
Wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait, wait!
Wait!
Where's the house?
- Half a mile up the drive.
- Half a mile?
But I paid you to take me to the door.
- Half a mile's near enough for me.
- Look, I can't walk half a mile.
I hope your whip shrivels!
Psh, go kip-
Oh, dear.
Anybody there?
Anybody there?
Yoo-hoo!
I'm here, the entertainment's arrived.
Oh, dear.
I've played empty houses
before, but blimey.
Oh, they can stuff their five guineas.
I'm off.
Who are you?
Me?
Nobody, nobody at all,
but thank you for asking.
- You are the entertainment.
- Oh no, I'm not.
No, I'm, no, no, I'm
not, definitely I'm not.
Oh!
Thank you very much.
If you'd just, no!
Do you mind?
Get!
You won't get a trip.
Imshee, imshee up.
- Ah, Mr. Twelvetrees.
- Oh!
- How good of you to come.
Patel, take Mr. Twelvetrees'
bags to his room.
- Well, oh, thank you.
You must forgive me for not
having you met at the station.
It was an unforgivable oversight
for a man of such eminence in the theatre.
- Oh, well.
- And now I suppose you'd
want some refreshments
after your long journey.
- Well, that's very,
as a matter of fact, I had a
packet of crisps on the train.
Perhaps a little something
to rinse the bits out of my teeth.
- Yes.
- Yes, thank you.
- Whiskey?
- Thank you.
- Soda?
- Ah, just a threat.
Well now, there we are.
Ah, that's interesting.
Is she a foreign lady?
- She's an Indian goddess.
- Ah, Indian.
Are you a Buddhist?
- No.
- Oh no, I've nothing
against it, oh, no, no.
Very nice.
As a matter of fact, I
read all about it once.
Apparently you're very kind to animals
or something, aren't you?
Sort of, don't kill fleas and all that.
- No, my family are
converts to the Hindu faith.
- Oh.
- We spent many years in India.
- Ah, well, that explains it.
- Kali Ma, the Dark Mother.
The goddess of death and destruction.
Note the blood-stained tongue,
the entwining snake,
the necklace of skulls,
the matted hair.
- Yes, well, I suppose
Saint Francis of Assisi
would seem a bit wishy-washy
next to her.
- I can't tell you how honoured
I feel, Mr. Twelvetrees.
I've enjoyed your
performance of the classics
on many occasions.
- Oh, you're too kind.
- Your "Wedding of Hiawatha"
was extremely affecting.
- And my own interpretation,
you know.
Mind you, the feathers
don't half tickle.
- Tell me, what reading
do you have in mind
for our delight?
- Oh, well, I thought, you
see, as it's wintertime,
something seasonal.
Dickens' "Christmas Carol,"
because with that, you get
Scrooge, you see, Scrooge.
"Mm-hah!
"Bah humbug!"
Jacob Marley.
And of course, Tiny Tim.
"God bless us, everyone."
It won't be too harrowing for the ladies,
you don't think, do you?
'Cause, you know, it's a
good five guineas worth
but it does tend to harrow them.
- Oh, I think it would be perfect.
And they'll be so moved.
Oh, come in, my dear.
You haven't met my sister, have you?
Ms. Jessica Henderson,
Mr. Foster Twelvetrees.
- I was just telling your
gracious brother, we,
I was just having a drink
with your gracious brother.
- You must be absolutely exhausted.
- Eh?
- You want an early night.
- Well,
well, it's only half past eight.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Oh, well, late as that, is it?
Down here, we retire
early, Mr. Twelvetrees,
we country bumpkins.
- Oh, well, it's...
- Nothing in his luggage?
Obviously must be on his person.
He seems to know nothing.
- Thank you, sir, I'll take care of that.
- Hm, not bad for 32.
Ah, well.
Hello?
I say, anyone there?
Oi!
Gunga Din!
I was locked in.
- This door often sticks, sir.
- Look, I'm not gonna
pinch the silver, you know.
Anyway, where is it?
- The silver, sir?
The privy.
The loo.
Very well, since you force
me to be crude, the...
- The lavatory...
- Ah!
- Is the third door on the left, sir.
- [Foster] Thank you.
- [Stewart] Not that door!
- Oh, dear!
My stomach went over.
- You must forgive me.
That's my brother's room
and he's desperately ill.
- Oh, is he?
Oh, I'm very sorry about that.
Would you care for me to read him a story?
I mean, if it's not catching.
- Anyway, that's the room you want.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Kindly have this restrung.
I don't know, what a funny lot.
Oh no, Melanie, don't!
You mustn't.
I'm saving myself for Ms. Right.
No, Melanie.
Oh, it's the knockers, Melanie.
They won't let you enjoy
anything in this house.
Ah, well.
Another 10 minutes, and I
might have cheated meself.
- [Stewart] All right, all right.
- [Reggie] It's about time, too.
- [Stewart] What in God's
name are you doing here?
- [Reggie] Don't try that
with me, you swami swine.
Come on, let us in.
- What do you want?
- [Reggie] We are here to stay, Stewart,
until I get my money.
- Please.
- Don't please me, you swine.
In fact, you don't please
me at all.
- [Stewart] I'm at a loss, Reggie,
to know what this is all about.
- [Reggie] What this is about?
What it's about?
It's about my allowance!
- [Stewart] Please, it's
the middle of the night.
- [Reggie] I don't care
what time of night it is.
- [Stewart] People are sleeping.
- People, I don't give a damn.
I want my money!
- [Stewart] We will now
settle off the normal way.
- I came straight back in from the bank.
You swine, look.
RD, return to gold that means.
- I'm well aware of what it means, Reggie.
Now please calm down and go in the library
and get yourself a drink.
Patel, get them a drink.
Mother, we have a problem.
Reggie's arrived.
- [Mother] Oh, how lovely.
We'll all be together again.
- No, thank you.
- I haven't been here since
Grandmother's funeral.
- Wouldn't be here now
if that tightwad upstairs
would pay what he owes.
- Mother's death was a sad
occasion for all of us.
- Heh.
- Well, well, well.
Good morning, good morning.
What a lovely day for a
spot of otter hunting,
don't you think so?
I love a good otter
hunt, don't you?
You don't get much chance
of it in Putney, you know.
Sausages?
Ah!
- Who is this oaf?
- Oaf?
This oaf is Foster Twelvetrees.
And which oaf are you?
- Mr. Twelvetrees, the great tragedian,
is here to provide our entertainment.
- Bloody mother.
- Daddy, please.
- Well, he doesn't have
to eat with us, does he?
- He's also a guest, Reggie.
Mr. Twelvetrees, my brother, Reginald.
You must excuse him.
Many years in the tropics
have taken a toll of his temper.
- Oh, tropics, eh?
Well, I'll let it pass this time.
I had the same trouble
myself once, you know,
in Shanklin, summer season,
pier pavilion.
I was unbearable.
Now.
Game set, an egg to me, I believe.
- Swine.
- Huh!
- Come and sit here, Mr. Twelvetrees.
- Thank you, charmed.
- Now, see here, Stewart.
I want my money, more than fast.
Bank sends back my
monthly allowance check,
signature unacceptable.
- I already explained that.
- Yes, very well.
Do you mean that horrible story
about being too weak to sign his own name?
- Mm, excuse me, have you finished
with that piece of fried bread?
- Hm?
- Not you, her.
Oh, pardon me, there we are.
Thank you!
- Anyway, I'm going to see
him right after breakfast.
- You better let me be the judge of that.
I'm not only his brother,
I'm also his medical advisor.
- (laughs) Medical advisor?
We all know about your
so-called medical career.
- I don't think we should
bore Mr. Twelvetrees
with our family squabbles.
Let's go into the library.
Forgive us, Mr. Twelvetrees.
Perhaps you wouldn't mind
amusing yourself this morning.
We'll see you at lunch.
- Lunch?
Will he be here?
- Yes, of course.
- Mm, I'd better get here early, then.
Ah, that's it.
Now!
Oh, dear.
You'll do.
Where...
Oi!
Ah, bunnies!
Little bun-bun.
Look at you!
Ah, look at his little nose
twitching there.
Marvellous sense of smell, you know.
I could smell them before
I got round the corner.
Little bun-buns.
Ah, I love animals, love animals.
What a lovely pair.
Aren't they beauties?
May I stroke them?
The rabbits, I mean.
Oh dear, I've offended her now.
She's taken umbrage.
Ah, giving them a little run, are you?
That's kindness to dumb animals.
Oh, they're not going to, uh,
I mean, you don't want them to,
if you'll forgive the crudity,
they're not going to play
mummies and daddies, are they?
Where's he gone?
Where has he gone?
Little monkey, playing hide and seek.
Where is...
But there's,
there's a,
there's...
- [Stewart] Victor, the
poor, sick human being,
that these hands of mine,
trained in the art of healing,
can bring him some slight relief.
- [Reggie] Total horse rubbish!
- [Stewart] I'll thank you
to keep your sentiments to yourself.
- I'm gonna see him!
- No, Reggie, no!
Victor is not well enough to see you.
- [Reggie] Well, I'm
well enough to see him.
Now let me past.
- No, no!
Although you may not care about
our dear brother's health,
I refuse to let you endanger it further
for your own sordid ends.
- Oh, don't give me that.
You're just creeping around here now,
trying to get us all cut out of the will.
- Don't push me too far.
However, he has authorised me
to pay you your monthly allowance in cash
until such time as he's
able to write checks again.
- Cash, eh?
Huh, that's all right, then.
Is he really that ill?
- Yes.
- In that case, perhaps I'd better stay on
a few more days.
Brotherly love and all that, hm?
- Of course.
- [Mother] Who is it?
- Me.
- [Mother] Come in.
Who are you?
- Oh, there you are.
- [Mother] I don't often have visitors.
- Well, isn't that a shame.
- [Mother] Would you like some tea?
- That's very kind, thank you.
Yes, I'm gasping for a cup.
I'm Foster Twelvetrees,
you know, the actor.
- [Mother] An actor?
How exciting!
- I suppose it is, really.
I try to be modest about it, you know.
- [Mother] Please, sit down.
- Thank you.
Here?
- [Mother] Yes.
- Oh, it's comfy, isn't it?
- [Mother] We were theatricals, you know.
- Were you?
- [Mother] Yes, look over there.
All the boys and their father, my husband.
Henderson's Human Marionettes.
We were known throughout India.
- India, eh?
That conjures up memories.
- [Mother] You've been there?
- Well, no, well not exactly.
I once went to lantern lecture about it.
No, I tell you, no, it was New Zealand.
It was very educational, though.
By the way, are you Mr. Henderson's mater?
- You know Stewart?
- Ah, yes, nice chap, and a
great fan of mine, you know.
- [Mother] I'm glad you do.
He's my favourite.
- Ah, is he?
- [Mother] The others
are all mad, you know.
- Well, I think they're all...
- [Mother] Quite, quite mad.
- Well.
- [Mother] What lovely,
soft hair you have.
- Oh, thank you, thank you very much.
I'm glad you like it.
Of course, it does give
me a little trouble
being so fine.
- Like silk.
- Ah.
- [Mother] Just like
my Victor's used to be.
Stop!
- [Mother] No!
No, no!
No, no, let me have him!
I won't do any more.
He has such lovely hair!
- You must say nothing of this.
- That nice old lady,
she tried to kill me!
"What lovely, soft hair, like silk."
Then whack!
- But Mr. Twelvetrees.
- If you hadn't come in,
it would've been Sixtrees.
- So you must say nothing of this.
Nobody must know she's here.
If she were taken away,
it would break her heart.
- Break her heart?
Listen, she's crackers,
she's off her chump.
- Sir, I beseech you.
- You beseech yourself, mate.
I'm off!
"Hair like silk."
"An actor, how exciting."
"The others are all mad, you know."
The others?
Keep away, I warn you!
- My dear chap, Patel just told me.
- Now stand back.
I don't want to hurt anybody,
but I think it's very fair to warn you
that I am a black belt, do you understand?
Tah, tah!
Dah!
Oh, god!
- Oh, I feel terrible.
I don't know what to say.
- Well, how about for a start,
thank you for coming and
here's your five guineas, huh?
- Yes, look, well I understand that, yes,
and if you insist upon leaving,
I shan't stand in your way.
- That you won't, mate.
I have never been so insulted.
I've been locked in my
room, set upon, put upon,
and generally mucked about with.
And I didn't get any breakfast.
- Well, there's no way I can apologise
except to ask your understanding.
- My understanding?
- Yes, and the compassion and sensitivity
which you as a great artiste must possess.
- Well...
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- And now, let me tell
you about my mother.
- Your mother, yes.
- Yes.
This tragic creature with mind
so wretchedly deranged was
once a wife and mother.
- She was?
- A warm, young, pretty girl.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, how I remember when she used
to come into the night
nursery in her ballgown...
- Yes.
- And kiss me goodnight.
Only me, you understand.
The others would be asleep.
- Ah.
- But I would wait.
I'd pinch myself to stay awake.
Sometimes I'd pinch myself so hard
I would draw blood.
- Oh, dear.
Look, I'm not, don't think
I'm unsympathetic, will you?
- Of course not, certainly not.
And I remember, I even
remember her perfume.
- You do?
- Yes.
Won't you sit down?
- Oh, thank you.
- I remember when she used to come in
and bend over my little cot,
brushing my forehead with her lips.
- [Foster] Oh.
- My childhood was filled
with sunshine hours
and happy laughter.
- Ah, well, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.
- Mr. Twelvetrees, only you can decide.
Me?
- And I will submit the choice is yours.
- Well, I...
- Are we to leave this
poor, dear, frail soul
among the warmth and loving
embraces of her family?
Or are we to send her to some dank
and cheerless institution,
there to die, forgotten and uncared for?
- Oh no, of course not, no.
We can't do that.
- Your tears do you
credit, Mr. Twelvetrees.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- I'm sorry if I've been a trouble.
- Oh, don't reproach yourself, please.
We'll meet at dinner.
Then after dinner, perhaps
to show your forgiveness,
you'll give us one of your...
- Inimitable renditions.
- Exactly.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- How is Uncle Victor this evening?
- Still no change, I fear.
- Huh.
- Yes, poor Uncle Victor.
- Just try to control yourself.
- Swine.
- Stop saying swine!
- Good god!
- Ah, Mr. Twelvetrees.
Mr. Twelvetrees is going to honour us
with a performance.
- Performance?
Where's his hurdy-gurdy then?
- I left it at home.
I didn't know there'd be a
monkey here to sit on top.
- Damn moron.
- Now watch it, mate.
- The man's a cretin.
- That's better.
- Can I get you a drink, Mr. Twelvetoes?
- Trees, dear, trees.
- What would you like?
There's a sherry, an amontillado.
- Ah.
- Vino.
Or would you prefer a glass of Chablis?
- I suppose you don't
do a brown ale, do you?
- This one's very nice.
- Ah.
Thank you.
Mm, do I detect a touch
of the grape in this?
- Yes, it's wine.
- Ah, that accounts for it.
Mm, Jolly good.
Mm, it's a bit dry for my taste.
Personally I prefer it a bit wetter.
- What are you going to read for us?
- Verity, don't talk to that swine.
- Daddy!
- Excuse me.
Listen, Curly, one more swine out of you
and this little piggy is
going to wee, wee, wee
right up your nostril.
Thank you.
Ms. Henderson?
Miss?
Oh, what's the matter?
Oh dear, dear, dear.
There, there, there, don't cry, don't cry.
Now come on, cheer up.
Don't upset yourself.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a bit of my act.
That'll cheer you up, all right?
"The Burial of Little Nell."
There, here we go.
"Little Nell.
"She lies, she lies where does
she lie? In her grave.
"Poor, poor Nell.
"The mourners round the graveside,
"the mourners sobbing, sobbing.
"'Come back,' they cried,
'come back, come...
Hello, it's never gone that well before.
Ms. Verity?
Oh dear.
Oh.
Excuse my fingers.
- You swine!
Take your hands off her.
- No, no, I was just
unbuttoning her frock.
She's fainted.
- I'm not surprised, you slyer.
I'm going to slash you to
within an inch of your life!
- I was just giving her me little Nell.
- You filthy swine!
- Oh!
That face, that terrible face!
That awful face in the window!
- There's somebody out there.
- Evening, Brother.
- Ernest, were you at the window just now?
- Yes.
- Well, I suppose you'd better come in.
- Oh, after you, Aggie dear.
That's it.
I say, lovely to be so welcome.
- Ah, what brings you down here?
- He wants his rights, that's all.
We want what is rightfully his.
- Aggie.
Had a little problem
with my monthly check.
The bank refused to honour it.
- That happened to me, too.
- Damn red tape.
Come and have a drink and
I'll explain the situation.
- Put those down, Ernest.
Take these bags to our room.
- The feathered cow!
- Well, what do you think, Ernest?
Do you believe Stewart's story?
- Well, there's some that would.
But it does seem that old Victor
has likely snaffled.
- I don't believe a word of it.
- Careful, Aggie.
- You're practising again, Ernest?
- I like to keep my hand in.
- Do you know what I think?
I think Stewart's going to get Victor
to cut us all out of his
will before he passes over.
- Oh, we couldn't allow that.
There's a lot of money
at stake, a lot of money.
- Exactly.
And with Victor having no issue,
we three brothers and
Jessica are the only heirs.
- Well?
- Well, we must make damn sure
that brother Stewart doesn't
get the will changed.
And that means just one thing.
We can't leave this
house until Victor dies.
- Oh, but there's another way.
Victor's got to die here
before we leave this, hm?
- Hmm.
Hmm.
- Who is it?
- [Verity] Verity.
- Oh.
Just a minute, dear.
There you are, you see?
They can't resist you.
(throat clears) Come in, my child.
- Oh, Foster.
- Hm?
- I need your help.
- Oh.
- Will you do something for me?
- I understand, my dear.
Come over hear, make yourself comfy.
That's it.
Tell Foster all about it.
- It's Uncle Victor.
- Uncle Victor?
You mean the one who's poorly?
- I was passing his room just now
and I heard this strange noise.
- Noise?
- You'll go and see if he's all right?
Me?
Oh no, no.
No, they don't like anyone going in there.
Besides, I mean, it could be catching.
Mumps.
Very nasty in my time of life.
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, look.
Naughty, naughty, look!
- [Verity] Just for me.
- Well, all right.
Do you mind?
Mustn't inflame you.
Everything seems to be all right.
Let's go back to your room.
- No, you must make sure.
- All right.
All right.
- Wake him up.
- Certainly not!
- I want to be sure.
Goon
- All right, all right.
- Go on.
- All right, all right!
- Go on.
- Excuse me.
Woo-hoo, excuse me.
Wakey, wakey!
- What the devil's going on?
- You'd better come in.
- What have you done with Victor?
- Victor is dead.
- I told you so, I knew it!
What about the money, then?
Trying to keep it to yourself, eh?
- Why didn't you mention it?
Sparing us the grief, was it?
- If Victor's death becomes
public, we are finished.
None of us would get a penny.
- Rubbish!
We're the heirs, the next of kin.
- No.
- Well, if we're not the heirs, who is?
- What none of us knew
was that when Victor
was at Oxford, he contracted
an unfortunate marriage.
Father bought her off, of course.
- You mean, she's going to get everything?
She's still alive?
- No, but the son is.
- Son?
- Our nephew.
- Oh, goodness.
- Where is the swine, then?
- Right here in this house, eh, brother?
- Very good, Ernest!
- Not that butler chappie.
- Tell him, Ernest.
- Standing out a mile, isn't it?
That actor.
The idiot!
- Oh my god.
- It's taken me months to track him down.
He uses a stage name, you see.
- Does he know his real name?
- I think not.
- Then he doesn't know he's Victor's son?
He doesn't know he's the heir.
- I don't think so.
But he may know where the diamonds are.
- You mean, you don't?
- Why do you suppose Jessica and I
have been searching this damned house?
- Then Victor didn't tell
you where they were hidden?
- No, we asked him, we pleaded with him,
both of us, right up until the very end.
But all he would say was
that he sent the secret
to his rightful heir.
- But the actor doesn't
know he's got the secret,
am I right, Brother?
- Whatever the clue is
that Victor sent him,
it seems that our nephew
doesn't grasp its significance.
- Rubbish!
Even he couldn't be as stupid as that.
I shall get it out of him.
A bit of subtle questioning.
- (gasps) Oh, dear!
I don't know how much
more of this I can stand.
- All right, you swine.
Where is it?
- Oh no, the swine, that's back.
- Where is it?
- Third on the left down the corridor.
Now look, can I get some sleep, please?
I'm very tired.
- Where is it?
- Where is what?
- Don't bend your words at me, you swine!
- I have warned you about
this language, haven't I?
What are you doing?
What is it you want?
- Where's what me brother gave you?
- He hasn't given me anything.
He hasn't even paid me for...
- Not Stewart, my dead brother.
He got in touch with you.
- No, no, no.
You need a spiritualist,
or a psychiatrist.
And would you mind taking
your hands off my winceyette?
Yes, thank you.
- You deny you got anything from Victor?
- Listen, listen.
Sit down, please.
That's it.
You're overexcited.
The sun having got at your
liver, and everything.
Listen to me, it is my belief
you never had a brother Victor.
- What?
- Now think back, think back.
Remember in the bedroom?
The bedroom, you know,
the bed, Victor's, yes.
Well now, I don't know if you noticed,
you probably didn't, but I did.
It was a dummy, a dummy.
I must admit, it fooled me for a while.
But we have to face up
to it, do you understand?
Face it!
Now, you understand?
Yeah, now concentrate, will you?
I'll explain.
No, don't go.
You still don't understand!
- Astonishing.
He is as stupid as he looks.
- Good morning.
- Right, start searching.
- I don't know what we're
supposed to be looking for.
- Anything-
Could be anything, something
odd, strange, out of place.
Look, woman, look!
- Hm, don't like this room, do you?
Don't like that photograph.
Is that supposed to be him?
Isn't he ugly, though?
Look at that tie.
- Get on with it, woman!
- Isn't that nasty.
Can't even get the quotation right.
- Don't waste time with things like that.
- No, I mean I don't
like misquoted things.
Especially the Bard.
"Who steals my purse steals trash.
"But he who filches from me my good name
"robs me of that which
makes me rich indeed."
- What's wrong with that, then?
- It's all wrong.
It should be, "Robs me of
that which not enriches him
"and makes me poor indeed."
- Ah, it's not im...
Oh, wait a minute.
Let me see that.
- That's not nice.
That's snatching, that is.
My mother used to tell us not to snatch.
- That's it!
Aggie, we're rich!
- Rich?
No, it's all his.
It's all rightfully his.
We don't get anything while he's alive.
- You're right, Aggie.
And the opposite of alive is?
- Dead?
- We've got work to do, Aggie.
- [Foster] I can't understand it.
I always look after them, you know.
I mean, I brush them nearly every day.
That's why they're the colour they are.
My mother always
recommended that, you know.
Oh, is this your room?
- Come in.
- Thank you.
- Well, well, Mr. Twelvetrees.
This is a nice surprise.
- Thank you very much.
- Did you know he was
the Foster Twelvetrees,
the famous actor?
- No!
- Yes.
- He was kind enough to
give me his autograph.
- Oh, we will treasure that.
- Now then, Ernest.
Just have a look at this.
- [Ernest] Oh, dear. (winces)
- I've told him you'd help him.
- Can you save them?
Your good lady told me
that you were a marvellous dentist.
- (chuckles) Well, I don't know.
You see, you're not my patient.
- Oh, but this is an emergency, isn't it?
- Yes.
- I've always had this terrible fear
of finishing up chopperless.
You must understand.
Don't forget your hypocritical oath.
- I'm afraid not, you see.
Ethics, you see, I'm
a stickler for ethics.
- But listen, your wife told me
they're likely to fall out any minute.
I mean, in this condition.
You see, being an actor,
they're the tools of my trade.
I can't do, well, nobody
could do what I do
every night with false teeth.
- Oh, very well.
- Thank you.
- Now just sit on the bed.
- Here?
- Yes.
- I see.
Right, oh.
This isn't going to be
excruciating, is it?
I mean, I don't mind agony,
but I draw the line at excruciation.
- I promise you, you won't feel a thing.
Now, open wide.
- Patel, where is Mr. Twelvetrees?
- He went upstairs with Mrs. Henderson
some time ago, sir.
- Mrs. Henderson?
- Yes, sir.
- Hold on, now lie back.
- Oh yeah, well...
- Now open wide.
- Ah, yeah, could I just, just a moment?
I forgot I ought to have told you.
I have very long roots, you know.
They go right up to here.
That's why I have to
wear glasses for eating.
- Fascinating.
Now lie back.
- As a matter of fact, my old dentist
said he's never seen such roots.
He says he'd like to
have my head in a bottle.
- Yes, very understandable.
Aggie, I'm gonna need help.
- No, no!
I've changed my mind.
I want gas.
- I haven't got gas.
- Then I'll wait till you've got it.
- I hope I'm not interrupting.
Please excuse us, we have
some family business.
- Certainly.
And as far as the teeth are
concerned, don't bother.
I'd rather go raw and gummy
than go through all of that.
- What the devil are you up to?
Does Twelvetrees know you're just a vet?
- He never asked.
- [Stewart] I thought I told
you he had to stay alive
until we found the diamonds.
- I agree, I agree.
I was just giving a
little service, you know.
- Or have you already
discovered the secret?
- [Reggie] No, no, no, no.
- It's an autograph, that's all.
He gave me his autograph.
- "I have decided to end it all, goodbye.
"Foster Twelvetrees."
So, you do know.
You were going to dispose of Twelvetrees
in order to keep the
secret from Reggie and me.
You were even thinking, perhaps,
of disposing of us, too.
- Oh, what a terrible
thing to say, Brother.
Would I do a thing like that?
- Without a qualm.
Now we must try and gain
Twelvetrees' confidence.
So be nice to him, Reggie,
and make the effort.
- The swine gets up me nose.
- Just try.
- Oh, all right.
- "'Please, please.
"'When I die, put near me something
"'which has loved the light.
"'Something which has had
the light upon it, always.'
"She was dead.
"Poor, patient, noble Nell was dead."
- Has the swine finished?
- Oh bravo, bravo, that was remarkable!
As a matter of fact,
I don't we've ever
heard anything quite so,
I'm absolutely speechless.
- Oh, don't worry, it's usual.
Well, thank you.
Now, if you could just
slip me the five guineas,
perhaps I can catch the last train home.
- Oh, nonsense.
We wouldn't dream of letting
you go home this time of night.
And after all, we're
having such a good time.
You did so beautifully!
And now we are going to entertain you.
- Me?
- Yes, as a surprise.
- A surprise?
We're going to do our party piece?
- Oh no, no, it's been years.
- You'll pick it up in no time.
Now Foster, do you, by any
chance, play the piano?
- Do I play the piano?
Does Paganini play the trumpet?
Of course, just leave me to it.
- Do you play by ear?
- No, I'm going to use my fingers.
- [Stewart] Oh, excellent, excellent!
- I'm sorry, I'm wicked, I know.
I couldn't resist.
- Verity, you go and find the music
and we'll go and get ready.
- This way.
- Oh dear, oh dear.
A little flat, isn't it?
Nevermind, we'll try and cope.
Now what are we going to render?
Oh, "Dance of the Dolls."
It sounds rather whimsical, doesn't it?
- They performed it all over the Far East.
- It's really boring.
Boring it is.
- Of course, my father and my uncles
were just children at the time.
- What the hell am I playing now?
Ah, a piece of dirt.
There, there we are.
Right.
- Lights.
- [Agnes] Ready?
- [Stewart] Music.
- One, two.
# Children, children, if it's midnight #
- Oh. god!
# And the moon is round and bright #
# Children don't come in the nursery #
# For the dolls dance every night #
# Children, children should you see them #
# They will vanish out of sight #
# So stay in bed and
keep your eyes closed #
# When the dolls dance every night #
- God knows what they do for an encore.
# The dolls dance every night #
# When the dolls dance every night #
# Stay in bed and keep your eyes closed #
# When the dolls dance every night #
# Children, children,
should you see them #
# They will vanish out of sight #
# So stay in bed and
keep your eyes closed #
# When the dolls dance every night #
- Ernest!
Ernest!
- Foster, wait!
Foster, don't go.
Foster, wait.
- I won't!
I won't stay in that
place a minute longer.
They've gone too far this time.
- What?
- What?
It's like a mad house.
People going round killing each other.
- Please, listen.
That house is yours!
- Look, I wouldn't stay in that house
if they paid me all the tin...
Pardon?
- Yours.
- Mine?
You are as mad as the rest of them.
- No, stop.
Uncle Victor was your father.
- What?
My father?
- He married your mother
while he was at Oxford.
- At Oxford?
- But the parents had
the marriage annulled.
- Poor Mother.
- Well, he tried to make
it up to you in the end.
- What do you mean?
How?
- By leaving you everything.
- Leaving me, everything?
- The house, the land, it's all yours.
- Is it?
Ah, in that case, why
didn't the others tell me?
- Because they want it for themselves.
- Yes.
Ah, yes.
Yes, I see.
So!
- Where are you going?
- The lord of the manor
is taking up residence.
And so this is my house and my land,
mine, despite the fact that you lot
tried to do me out of it.
- Ah, but my dear nephew,
you've misunderstood.
- Oh?
- We were keeping it
as a surprise for you.
- Were you?
A surprise?
Well, I had enough of a surprise
when you murdered my poor Uncle Ernest,
which, I may say, is illegal.
- Murdered?
Rubbish!
It was suicide.
- One does not commit suicide
by stabbing oneself in the back.
- [Stewart] How dare you
make such an imputation!
- Well, I dare.
And now kindly do not leave this house.
I shall be going for the police shortly.
- Foster.
- What?
- Don't be too hard on Uncle Stewart.
He's not all bad.
- Not all bad?
He's not all there, if you ask me.
Going around murdering
his own flesh and blood?
- You're too generous
a man to bear a grudge.
- Grudge?
- Great heavens, what a
handsome couple you make.
- Flattery will get you nowhere,
true though it may be.
- You know, it would make
an old man very happy
to think that someday perhaps
I might see you walking down
the aisle, all in white.
- Oh no, no, white's a
very bad colour for me.
- Oh, stop it, Daddy.
You're only interested in the money
and getting your hands on the diamonds.
- Quiet!
- Yes.
Diamonds?
- You little fool!
Don't you say another word.
- Daddy, he has a right to know.
I haven't told you this before, but...
- I warn you, say nothing!
- Have a care, Uncle Reggie,
or I may be forced to call
the butler in to thump you.
- You've not heard the last of this.
- [Stewart] Mother?
Twelvetrees knows.
What are we going to do?
- [Mother] Kali knows.
Kali will help us.
- Now what is it?
- Grandfather Henderson
brought the diamonds back from India.
There was some scandal.
I think they were stolen.
- Yes, yes, look, dear,
I must go for the police.
- No, no, no, this is important.
They were always kept hidden
somewhere in this house.
Only the head of the family knew where.
Uncle Victor passed the secret
on to you before he died.
- Not me, he didn't.
In any case, I'm not bothered.
I've got all this, haven't I?
What's a couple of diamonds?
- No, no, no, it's more than a couple.
It's supposed to be worth
over a million pounds.
- That's exactly what I mean.
You see, the great...
A million pounds?
I wonder where they are.
Where are they?
Now, you stay in your room.
I'll be back with the police in no time.
- Oh, Foster.
You are so brave!
- Oh, you noticed.
Fire, fire!
- It's fog. (laughs)
- Oh, it's fog.
Just my little jest.
Anybody there?
Anybody there?
- Sir?
- Oh, thank god!
I've got to use your telephone.
- We have no telephone here, sir.
- How did you get here?
- You must have lost
your direction in the fog
and circled the house, sir.
- Well, that's my trouble.
I don't know my way around here.
Wait.
You can go for the police.
- Oh, very well, sir, I'll get my coat.
- No, no, no time for that.
Here, put these on.
That's it.
Put that coat on.
There we are, that's it.
Now, tell them to get here urgently.
It's most important, you understand?
That's it, now get your bandage off.
There we are, that's it.
Very nice.
You'd be a sensation on
Bombay High Street in that,
a big sensation.
Now go on, hurry!
Don't be long.
- It's just so quiet.
- Where is everybody?
- I've been thinking.
- What?
- The only reason they'd kill Uncle Ernest
was because he'd found out something.
- Like what?
- Well, perhaps where the diamonds are.
- Diamonds?
- And if he had, then surely
he'd have told Aunt Agnes.
- Very likely.
- Why don't we go up and talk to her?
- Oh no, there's no rush.
Let's wait for the police to get here.
They've got dogs and big
truncheons and muscles and things.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
- This way.
Hurry, see what it is.
- Let's come back later and surprise them.
- It's Aunt Jessica!
She's hurt, go and help her.
- I'm not going down there.
The snake's there!
Suppose one crawled up me trouser leg.
I'd never be the same again.
- But she's probably alive, go on!
- All right, all right.
She's pinched my motto.
- [Verity] It's Aunt Agnes!
- God, they're dropping like flies!
- Oh come on, we can't do anything more.
- I agree.
- It must be important.
Where did you get it?
- Oh, ah!
Oh, from a fan.
It arrived in the post about a month ago.
Actually, my fans often
send me things, you know.
I remember there was a dear old lady
who used to send me photographs
of her budgerigar, signed.
Not by the budgerigar, of course, by her.
At least I think it was her.
Come to think of it, the
writing wasn't very good.
Ah!
Oh, ah.
What are you doing?
- I thought not.
This quotation isn't right.
Look.
- Where?
- There.
- Oh, mm-hm, it's different.
"He that filches from me my good name."
Fancy, you'd think a
good class book like this
would get it right, wouldn't you?
- It's that's wrong, don't you see?
- No, I don't.
- This is the clue.
- Clue?
- This must be what Uncle Victor sent you.
- Well, I don't understand.
- It's something to do with your name.
- My name?
- What was your mother's name?
- Elsie, Elsie Pope.
- Yes, but if she married Uncle Victor,
her name must have been Henderson.
- Catholic.
That's it!
Henderson, that's it, I
should have thought of that.
That was the name on my birth certificate.
- What birth certificate?
- The one that came with this plaque.
- Go and get it.
- What for?
- Just get it.
- Oh, you are dominant.
God, what a house this is!
I'm glad you agree, mate.
Anyone in there?
Oh dear.
Now, let's see.
This has been interfered with.
Ah!
Nigel Antony, that's it.
Nigel Antony Julian Amadeus Henderson.
Father's name, Victor.
Mother's name, Elsie.
Nigel Antony.
(gasps) It'll look marvellous in lights.
Mind you, it'll cost a
few bob for the bulbs.
Nevermind.
Ah-ha, that's it!
I've found it, I've found it.
Verity!
Verity!
Verity!
Oh dear.
- What have you done to her?
You swine!
- No, I've just found her here.
- Don't touch her!
Go away.
- Is she all right?
I'll go and fetch the doctor.
- It's too late for that.
She's dead.
- Dead?
- You murdering swine!
- What?
No, I just came in here
and I found her like this.
She's, she's dead!
Oh dear, will this never end?
- You'll pay for this.
- But, I was...
Oh!
Hello?
Hello?
- Think, Mother, think!
The answer's in the name, the name.
The secret of the diamonds is in the name.
- It's got something to
do with my name, my name.
Nigel Henderson.
Nigel Henderson.
Nigel, N-I-G-E-L.
That's Ligen spelled backwards.
No, don't think so.
Let me see.
Now.
Nigel Antony.
Name.
Nigel Antony Julian Amadeus.
N-A-J - A.
Naja, naja,
No, there's no such word.
Naja, psh.
Or is there?
I wonder.
N, nail, nainsook, naja.
Naja!
There is a word.
A genus of highly venomous snakes.
Snakes, snakes.
The African or Indian cobra.
(gasps) They're in the snake house!
- He's onto it.
I'm sure he is.
What are you doing?
(knife thwacks)
Swine!
- I loathe snakes!
Now get, get back.
Goon
Go on, get back, go on!
Now get back.
Get back, go on!
Stand aside, make way.
(gasps) Mustn't let them smell fear.
Mind you, I don't see how they can miss.
Still never worried, perhaps
snakes don't have noses.
Ooh!
Find the way.
There, go on.
Oh!
Dear.
Oh, I've broken something.
If I haven't broken it, I've bent it.
Oh!
Oh!
Get out, get out!
Where's the light?
Oh no!
Excuse me.
If you slip now, all the
diamonds in the world
won't do you any good.
It's all right, girls.
Oh!
There's something here.
Please make it a crusher, not a biter.
Get out!
Get out, get out!
Get!
Ha-ha!
You wait.
I'm having you lot turned into handbags.
- Let me have that.
- Oh no, oh no, I've been
through too much for this.
It's mine, you hear, it's mine!
- Only during your lifetime.
- Don't worry, I've got a few good years
left in me yet, 'cause I
look after myself, I do.
I'll see you out, mate.
- In the midst of life, Foster,
the grim reaper is always
nearer than we think.
- Now look, we're both
reasonable men, aren't we?
- No.
- Very well.
Ha-ha!
Now I've got you, haven't I, Mr. Clever.
Come on, let me have those keys.
Come on, come on!
- You'll have to kill me to get them.
- With the greatest of pleasure.
Catch!
- Foster, perhaps I have
been a little hasty.
I suppose we should come to
some sort of an arrangement.
Like splitting things down the middle.
- Ha, that'll teach you!
You thought you were dealing
with an idiot, didn't you?
Ha!
- Ah-ha, once bitten.
- Oh!
Oh, no!
Please, don't be impetuous.
Let's do nothing we shall regret.
Stand back, this is your last chance.
Ha!
There you are.
You see, brains over brawn.
- But it happens you overlooked
just one tiny thing.
- Oh please, don't give me that old line.
"Haven't you overlooked one tiny thing?"
You've been reading too much
Sherlock Holmes, you have.
- But you have, you know.
- All right, then, give us a laugh.
What tiny thing have I overlooked?
- My mother.
- Your mother.
Your mother, huh?
You think I didn't know it was you
dressed up all the time with your wig
and your veil and your long dresses?
You're sick, that's what you are.
You're a psycho.
You're a schizophrenic.
- Don't say that!
- That cut you to the quick, didn't it?
Your mother, she died months ago.
- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did!
- No, she didn't!
You see, when she found out
that Victor was gonna
leave everything to you,
she became angry.
She became very angry, so she killed him.
She murdered him.
That's why I had to pretend
that Victor was alive
and she was the one who died.
So I buried Victor in her place.
Otherwise, they'd have
taken her away from me.
But she's alive!
We're both alive!
- Look, I feel very sorry for you
because you are sick and you are twisted,
but you'll get no sympathy from me.
You tell it to the judge.
Patel will soon be here with the police.
- (laughs) But Mother
killed Patel earlier.
She thought it was you.
Mother's very angry with you.
She liked Patel.
(door bangs)
- No!
No, no, no, let me go!
Let me go!
Drop it, drop it!
He's going to get me!
Stop him, stop him!
- Oh, dear. (panting)
You!
But,
but you're murdered!
But you're all right.
(gasps) That's marvellous!
You're all right.
- I'm fine.
I just thought it would
have been more healthy
to stay out of the way
until somebody found the diamonds.
- But you were dead.
I mean, I saw you, your father saw you.
- That was just a little
trick I thought up
with my late father.
- Late father?
- You don't think I was
going to share those diamonds
with anybody, do you?
- Oh, I thought you were such a nice girl.
- Now where are they?
- Um...
- I'll count to three.
- Never!
- One...
- All right, all right.
Here.
- Hurry up.
- All right.
You are a nasty family.
I mean, we are a nasty family.
- Open it.
- All right, all right.
Impatience, impatience!
You're flustering me.
Now.
Oh!
- What's the matter?
- Well, nothing here.
Just a bit of paper.
- Read it.
- "To my heir, you have been successful.
"The deckar diamonds are now yours.
"They are buried in the
meadow in front of the house.
"Simply follow the instructions
"written on the paper in
which this box was wrapped."
- Come along now, no use taking on so.
All right, everyone.
All secure?
All right, Tom.
- Giddy up now.
- I'm not finished.
I'm not finished, Twelvetrees.
I'll be back!
They won't hang me.
They won't even hold me.
I'll be back!
- The diamonds.
What did it say?
The diamonds are buried in the meadow
at the front of the house.
Right.