I'm sorry.
You stole my death.
I couldn't believe it.
I thought...
why is he dying?
I die.
Today is my day to die.
I was really, really confused.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Did you think
that you were supposed to die?
I was confused.
Uh, I was unsure,
and I made a choice.
Aah!
Aah! I'm hit!
But didn't you see
that I was dying?
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
I did. I did, but...
- I did, but...
- But what?
Arthur...
it was just because...
your pau...
The pause was just so long.
- Aah!
- Aah!
And good. And good.
It was such a good, long pause
that I was just unsure.
I became unsure.
Well, it felt good.
- Oh, no, it was good.
- Really?
Oh, you were good. Very.
Well, then, Maurice,
I don't understand.
What...
I...
Because it was so good...
I became unsure.
I'm really so, so sorry.
- No, it's all right.
- No. I just feel terrible.
It's OK. Don't. It's OK.
It's OK.
I'm sorry. I didn't...
It's OK.
It's all right.
It's OK.
Happy.
Frightened.
Ecstatic.
Good. Switch.
Fortunate.
No hands.
Make it simple. Keep it clean.
Give it to me again.
Fortunate.
- Hands.
- No hands.
Fortunate.
Ah, there you go. There you go.
There you go.
Uh...
disturbed.
- Not mentally disturbed.
- Oh.
Disturbed.
Not emotionally disturbed, but
sort of spiritually disturbed.
But on a smaller level.
Ah, there you go. There you go.
Subtle as a sphinx. Switch.
Excited.
That's it for me.
What's the matter?
No, Maurice, I...
I can't.
I'm going to die
if we don't get work.
I'm so hungry.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
Arthur...
we might just have to look
for other work.
We might just have to look
for other jobs.
Other jobs?
Beggars can't be choosers,
Arthur.
Are you calling us beggars?
We will be if we don't get jobs.
Beggars.
Please, sir, I want some more.
You see, sir, I've not eaten
for fourteen days...
since me mum died of the group.
- Croup.
- Croup.
Of the croup she died...
leaving me and
my mentally ill brother here...
to fend for ourselves.
Murdered, she was, in her bed
by one of her johns.
You see,
she sold herself to feed us.
She compromised herself
for our sakes...
and here we are, left alone
and hungry and homeless.
And my poor brother
needs a brain operation...
and my glaucoma's
getting worse...
and, sir? Sir? Sir?
Are you there, sir?
Aah!
I can't see you, sir.
I can't see you, sir!
Aah! Aah!
I'm blind!
Aah!
So, how we doing?
- Great.
- Good.
Now, this is just a formality.
I want you both. It's just
a matter of who plays what part.
You mean you want us
in the play?
Yes, and if I say too much...
forgive me, but having written
and lived it for 18 years...
and now directing it, along
with my wife who's producing...
I think I know it pretty well.
But there's always
something new you can learn.
So I just want to say
about these characters...
that they once loved each other,
but now they hate each other...
but underneath, love,
but on top, hate.
Love, hate.
So, see what I'm saying?
Yeah, sure. Love, hate.
Yes. Love, hate, love, hate.
Love, hate, love, hate.
- Love.
- Hate, love, hate.
Love, hate, love, hate.
Love, hate, love, hate.
Love... Th-th-th...
Whenever you're ready, go.
OK.
Do you want to be the guy...
Do you want to be the guy
who dies first?
- It doesn't matter to me.
- Why don't you go?
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Excuse me. Do you have
a preference who dies first?
Couldn't care less.
OK. I don't care.
Actually,
do you mind if I die second?
'Cause I'm a little
not ready, OK?
- Good, good.
- OK. Go ahead.
What a fool you are, Alan.
No, Latour. You are a fool.
Me? Moi? Ha!
It is not I who is soon
to breathe his final breath.
True,
but I am not afraid, Latour...
for with that breath
I will inhale hope.
Hope because I know there are
others like me, Latour...
who will soon come, and from
whom a pure light will shine...
and blind the devils
of this world.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Ahh.
Uhh!
Oh, father.
Um, now switch parts.
That was good.
- Perfect.
- No, it was very good.
Yello. Oh, hi, hon.
Keep going.
It's my wife, the producer.
Hi, hi. What's up?
It's going well,
it's going well.
What a fool you are, Alan.
I said I was sorry,
and I meant it.
Me? Moi? Ha!
I'm not going
to behave like that anymore.
Where are you?
What are you doing with him?
You what?
You're saying to me
that you're leaving me for him?
This is what
you're saying to me?
Well, yes,
naturally, I'm shocked.
Of course I'm shocked.
Does this mean you're pulling
your money out of the show?
No, no, I will not find anybody
else to put money in this play.
Everyone thinks
it's a piece of shit.
Where are you now?
Because I'm coming down.
I'm going to bite out
both your throats!
- So I insult him?
- Yeah.
Tell him you think
his pastries are no good.
- Oh, good idea.
- Yeah.
Say that they're stale,
all right?
Hey, buddy,
your pastries are stale.
Right, but don't say buddy.
Just say...
- Your pastries are stale.
- Your pastries are stale.
- I can do it.
- OK. Then...
- You'll come to his defense.
- I'll come to his defense.
And then...
He'll reward you
with a cornucopia of delicacies.
- Right.
- Which you will share with me.
All right, good.
But be... you know. OK?
- Small.
- Small.
You, too.
- Good day, sir.
- Good day.
Everything is made fresh?
Yes, sir. I make everything
myself, fresh every day.
- Oh, every day?
- Every day.
- Good day.
- Good day, sir.
- Good day.
- How do you do?
- Every single day?
- Every single day.
Well...
even these cream puffs
are fresh?
They look stale to me.
You may taste if you like.
Taste?
If I must.
I hate them.
Oh, I'm sorry.
To each his own.
There's another bakery shop
down the block...
whose wares
might be more to your liking.
Thank you for coming in.
May I help you, sir?
Yes.
Would you excuse me a moment?
I couldn't help but overhear.
Excuse me, sir...
but may I say
that your rudeness...
to this hard-working gentleman
is uncalled for?
- Please, sir.
- I beg your pardon.
No, I beg yours, sir.
This gentleman is one
of the finest pastry chefs...
on the eastern seaboard.
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Do I know you?
- Of course you do.
What's your point?
You would not know
a good cream puff...
if it jumped up and licked you
on the ass.
It's just a difference in taste.
No.
This man is clearly an imbecile.
Ah, an insult!
- I'm insulted?
- Yes!
- I'm insulted!
- Fine. Good!
Well, I am!
I'm sure you're not
as insulted as him.
- I'm not insulted.
- Oh, yes, you are!
The man works all day
to support his miserable family.
My family isn't
miserable. We're quite happy.
No, you're not!
You're miserable and pathetic.
Look at you.
Well, I...
All day working like a lackey
from rise to set...
sweating in the eye of Phoebus.
I love my work.
No, you don't!
My God, how could you?
- Are you insulting him?
- No, you are!
That's what I thought!
Oh, how it grieves me...
to see a man
living the life of a dog...
and treated worse than a dog
by a bourgeois pig!
You don't even know
this gentleman.
Oh, I know him! I knew them all!
Puppeteers. And you, the poor,
sweaty, blue-collared bumpkin...
at the end of their strings.
What a fool you are!
- I am not a fool!
- Yes, you are!
You shouldn't talk
to that gentleman this way.
You like the cream puffs.
I don't like the cream puffs.
Fuck the cream puffs!
This man
is a slave and an idiot!
- Get out of here!
- What?
Get out of my shop!
I'll handle this.
You've really said quite enough.
I think we've heard
quite enough from you.
Begone!
Sir, how can I repay you?
Please. I did nothing.
I insist. You came to my aid.
Well...
perhaps a cream puff?
No, no. You don't like them.
- Well...
- I have something even better.
Two tickets
to the theater tonight...
to see the great
Jeremy Burtom as Hamlet.
Please,
take them with my gratitude.
Tickets to see Jeremy Burtom?
- That's what he gave you?
- That's correct.
Out of anything in
the shop, he gives you tickets?
Yes.
Why didn't he
just stab you in the heart?
You tell me, Arthy.
Burtom is the worst
actor on the face of the earth.
Yup.
That man is unwatchable.
Yup.
You couldn't pay me
to go see that guy's Hamlet.
I wanted to see how bad
he really was.
I hear he makes a real fool
out of himself.
You always learn
from other people's mistakes.
Oh, yes.
- Right?
- Please.
- Look at this crowd.
- Unbelievable.
- I'll never understand it.
- It's criminal.
Hey.
Mike's in this.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Good for him. Good for Mike.
- Great for Mike.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Shh!
Someone's
put on a little weight.
I hope
they reinforced the stage.
My God.
And now
my cousin Hamlet and my son.
Hamlet, why seems
it so particular with thee?
Seems, madam?
Nay, it is. I know not... seems...
'Tis not alone my inky cloak,
good mother...
nor the customary suits
of solemn black...
nor the dejected 'havior
of the visage...
together with all forms...
moods, shapes of grief...
that can denote me truly.
These indeed seem...
for they are actions
that a man might play.
But I...
have that within...
which passes show.
These...
but the trappings
and the suits...
of woe.
Who is it?
Intermission's almost over, sir.
Places for act two.
Places for act two.
Ow!
Come for the third,
Laertes. You do but dally.
- Who choreographed this?
- I don't know. It's so sloppy.
It's a mess.
Crazy boy!
Aah! You crazy boy!
Aah!
What was that part?
I don't know.
Come on.
Aah!
What the hell's he doing?
Drunken son of a bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen...
it appears an actor,
having missed a parry...
upset by his mistake,
has vacated the stage.
Therefore,
with your kind permission...
we will lower the curtain...
and regroup, as it were...
and then complete this...
the greatest of all
of Mr. Shakespeare's plays.
I thank you.
The man is vicious.
Wednesday, he stuck me...
right there.
Where?
Right in the rib.
Gertrude?
Almost killed her with a goblet.
He's done it before?
Oh, God. That's sick.
That's just sick.
Sick.
You let me at him.
You know what really
burns me up?
What really gets my goat...
is that Mike had
such a great death coming up...
and he was cheated.
He was cheated, right?
That's the...
Yeah, but, you know...
You want to know?
You want to know what I'd do
in that situation?
- What?
- I'd stop, center stage.
I'd turn. I'd wait for quiet.
He's saying
what he would do if he was you.
- Tonight.
- I know.
What you have just seen...
ladies and gentlemen...
is unprofessional behavior
of an overrated...
undertalented, drunken hack...
named Jeremy Burtom.
He has blustered his way
to success...
on the backs of the great
supporting players for too long!
And it's time for us
to make a stand and say no!
No, Burtom! Begone!
It is time for us to say,
no, boozy boy!
Bye-bye, Burtom bad boy!
Hefty boy!
Boozy, boozy boy!
Greasy boy! Saggy, farty boy!
Poke you!
I poke you! I poke you!
Something like that.
Daah!
- Aah!
- Aah!
Come on! Come back here!
- Ooh!
- Come back!
Come back here! Ooh!
Stop them! Stop them!
They're trying to kill a genius!
There they go.
- Too small.
- What?
- Too small.
- No.
- No, no, no, don't move.
- Too small.
Claustrophobia!
Please.
- How about over there?
- I checked over there already.
Did you check the other side?
Shh!
- What's that noise?
- You hear that?
I don't hear nothing.
You fart?
Shh. Please.
All right, come on. Let's go.
Hey.
- Arthy.
- Ooh.
OK. Come on.
Go slow.
What are you doing?
Oh, God. We're outlaws.
Let's get out of here.
The place is crawling with cops.
I know, I know.
I have an idea. Come on.
Ladies.
One-ten, Oceano.
Why are we standing around,
please?
These go to stateroom 40,
and that goes to 15.
Thanks, girls.
So, Lily,
everything is in order?
- Yes, Meistrich.
- Good.
You are so good
at what you do, Lily.
Thank you.
So good.
Thanks, Meistrich.
So sweet.
Thanks.
So...
Oh, Lily.
When I'm with you, I feel
like a young schoolboy again...
full of hope and wonder...
like a young bud in springtime
waiting to blossom.
- Well...
- Your face...
Your hands...
Your beautiful,
snow-white hands.
Lil, Lil, Lil, Lily, ly
Lily, Lil, Lil, Lil...
Marco.
Hi. Um, excuse me.
Hi, Meistrich. Could I talk
to you for a second?
- Actually, no.
- Please, Meistrich.
Just one minute.
- Hi, Marco.
- Hey.
How are you?
You look so handsome.
Thank you.
Did you get my flowers?
Yes. I was hoping
they were from you.
- There was no card.
- Oh.
No. I wanted to talk
to you in person...
because, Lily...
I just wanted
to tell you that...
w...
But I wanted to tell you that...
Ohh! Aah!
Why don't you watch
what you're doing, hmm?
Make a mistake like that
next time...
and I'll chop off your hands and
let you drown in your own blood!
Are you two finished
with your little tete-a-tete?
Because there is work to do.
If we don't work,
we'll lose our jobs, yes?
Yes. Right away, Meistrich.
Good-bye, Marco.
- OK.
- OK.
Bye-bye.
Tschuss.
Lily...
will you dance with me
tonight at the ball?
I have something
I want to say to you.
- Well...
- Excellent!
Until tonight?
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. Thank you.
It's Burtom! It's him!
- I know.
- What are we going to do?
Let's get out of here quick.
...having been abused
yesternight...
by a band of ruffians...
I thwarted an attempt
on my life...
by these incompetent scofflaws
single-handedly.
Bravo. Wonderful. Good job.
As for myself, I hope that...
the salt air
will heal my wounds...
and the motion
of the cool, green sea...
soothe my tortured soul.
Thank you
and bon voyage to us all.
Bon voyage.
Mr. Sparks, what
an honor it is to have you here.
I'm Pancetta Leaky,
the ship's social director.
Welcome aboard, Mr. Sparks.
Congratulations
on your last match.
Thank you very much, good fella.
Ow.
Do you feel that grip?
I do, sir. I do.
Powerful enough to snap
the neck of a small beast...
and yet sensitive enough...
to caress the tender throat
of a young castrato...
coax a song from him.
Good for you.
That is why I win.
I'm sure it is, sir.
Enjoy your voyage.
Oh, I will. I will.
I'll help you with your bags.
Mrs. Essendine,
it's a pleasure to see you.
How delighted we were to see
your name on the passenger list.
And I was sorry to hear about
the death of your husband.
He was the most generous of men.
That he was. That he was.
Wait. Wait.
Can this be Emily?
She has blossomed so.
Thank the gentleman, Emily.
Thanks.
Stewards. Stewards.
Give us a hand here, please.
Gentlemen, is there a problem?
- I have it, Arthy.
- Oh, OK. Thank you.
Thank you.
Ohh!
- Aah!
- Ohh!
Ohh.
OK.
OK.
Excuse me.
Are you lost?
- Yes.
- No.
Do you work on this ship?
I'm innocent.
I'm not a thespian thug.
I'm a good man.
Can you help us?
Please, ma'am?
The ship's about to leave.
All ashore
that are going ashore!
All ashore
that are going ashore!
There is desperation
in these little footsteps.
Lily, your cheeks are flushed.
Your breasts heave.
May I ask where is the fire?
No, there's no fire, Meistrich.
A passenger needs help.
Oh?
Two minutes to departure?
I don't recall hiring you two.
I didn't, either,
but, you know...
Stewards!
It appears my steamer is stuck.
I require some assistance.
Unless, of course,
you're all too busy...
like every other bloody steward
on this bloody ship!
Absolutely, sir.
Move!
Very good.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hang on. There you go.
Thank you very much.
Now, haven't I seen
you two boys before?
Are you sure?
Weren't you employed once
on the S.S. Normandy?
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
It's you! It's you!
Halt!
Psst! Psst!
OK, who are you?
- We're actors.
- Actors?
- Just actors.
- Actors.
Would I have seen you
in anything?
- Maybe.
- Possibly.
Movie actors?
No, not yet.
Jane? Put it in 13.
OK.
We're of the theater.
We're seeking
new representation.
OK.
- Why are you stowaways?
- We're not.
- We hid in a crate last night.
- Escaping from the police.
For something that we did to
that man that was an accident.
- He's famous.
- He's a hack!
He's overrated.
Oh, you're the ones
he was talking about!
But we're innocent.
- I swear we didn't do anything.
- We couldn't hurt a fly.
- We never meant it.
- He's a big baby.
We were at a bar.
We drank too much...
admittedly so. Admittedly so.
But I just was
expressing an opinion...
it's a free country...
and he attacked us physically.
- The man is an animal.
- He attacked us.
Please, you have
to help us get off this boat.
We'll do anything for you.
Please?
Will you please take us home?
OK. I believe you.
Thank you.
What are your names?
My name's Lily.
All...
aboard!
- Paris?
- Yes.
That's the first stop?
Paris!
The smoky cafes...
the Seine at dawn...
the clatter of the horses'
hooves on the cobblestone...
the little ecole
where I studied so hard...
the musk of the people...
the cri de la revolution.
- You know Paris quite well.
- He's never been there.
Not physically.
Someone's coming. In here.
Too small.
Too small, too small.
- We gotta go.
- Shh.
No. You can't leave.
He's slightly claustrophobic.
It's OK, it's OK.
Shh, shh.
These men
are vicious, inexorable dogs!
What do you propose
we do about it, Captain?
- About what?
- The stowaways.
- Stowaways? Where?
- Oh, good God.
The two actors, sir.
We must find them.
Yes, yes! Marco!
Marco, go find them!
Si, capitaine.
- Apprehend them.
- Find them.
- Imprison them.
- Torture them.
Everything. On your way.
I want them dead or alive. Go.
- But...
- But what?
I could never kill anyone.
- You'll fucking learn.
- It's really not that hard.
Marco.
Ohh! Ohh! Aah! I'm sorry.
What are you doing
with this gun?
I'm sorry.
I have to find the stowaways.
- Dead or alive.
- What?
Yeah.
They want them really dead.
Marco, don't hurt the stowaways.
I don't want to.
I mean, I couldn't.
I know.
You could never.
Lily, I wanted to say before...
I mean, earlier...
that I think you...
are my...
You...
Marco, stop.
- I'm sorry.
- It's OK.
The stowaways are...
Still missing.
Come with me, inspector.
Not a moment to lose.
One of my men
tried to soil your reputation.
I have corrected him.
But may I ask
where you have been?
Looking for the stowaways
like you, and I'm exhausted.
I will crush them
for causing you pain.
Oh.
The danger of the chase
has made you perspire.
It has made me also...
moist.
- Lily.
- Not now.
Meistrich,
there's still so much to do.
You are so right, diligent Lily.
Forgive me.
Until tonight.
Shoot. Arthur,
we got to find a bigger room.
OK.
Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Ohh.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Ohh!
Ohh.
- In here.
- Ah, gentlemen!
Gentlemen, come in, come in.
Don't be shy. Don't be shy.
We are all men, are we not?
Men, men, men.
Where are your strapping
colleagues with my bags?
No trouble. Gives us more time
to get acquainted.
The male figure, gentlemen...
something to be very proud of.
It is beautiful,
and it is powerful.
Should be often exhibited...
and always, always celebrated.
Mmm.
Why, in ancient Greece...
Are either of you Greek?
No.
Well, yes.
Actually, I'm half Greek.
Top half or bottom half?
I jest, I jibe.
Perhaps we should wrestle
sometime.
Do you like
the taut roundness...
that exercise
brings to the buttocks?
Yeah.
Do you enjoy the warmth
of the Mediterranean sun...
on that selfsame place?
I once wrestled a man
on the steps of the Acropolis...
when the sun
was at its height...
wearing only what God sent me
into the world with.
Can you picture that?
That's where we'll wrestle,
my semi-Grecian lad.
That's where
I'll make a man of you.
OK, well, um...
it's been a real pleasure
meeting you.
We do have to go now.
We have a lot to do
on the ship...
as stewards on the ship...
and, um, thank you very much.
Um, good luck.
See you around the ship, lads.
Oh, my God.
- Bon voyage.
- Bon voyage.
- What do you want?
- Oh, sorry.
- What?
- Mr. Franks.
Sorry I gotta rush you.
We need you for rehearsal.
I got your bag.
Hey, wait, wait!
Hey, hey, hey, wait!
This one's open.
Come on, quick. Come on.
Oh, good. You are here
to fix the gramophone.
I don't know what
I was going to be doing...
if you did not come by.
I am not in the habit
of fixing things.
I was listening to the music...
and then there was no more
functioning, only silence.
And when
she was singing no more...
I got so excited,
I tried to pull it...
but I scratched it,
and I hurt it.
You did hurt it.
Yes.
Well, You shouldn't pull it.
No, I know.
I am now realizing this.
Good.
We will fix your gramophone...
but we have to go and get
the tools.
Ah.
Pass.
Pass.
Thank you.
- It's a new model.
- We don't need tools.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
There it is. You see it?
- It's bad.
- It's very pulled.
We may have to be here
for a while.
I know you don't know
how these things work...
but they really shouldn't
be pulled like that.
No, they shouldn't.
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
Maybe...
Ooh!
Parlez-moi d'amour
Redites-moi des choses tendres
What is it with this ship?
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Sit tight, sit tight.
What the hell is he doing?
I don't know. Doesn't matter.
Oh, my God, Maurice,
we have got to get out of here.
Jesus. Look at him.
He's coming over.
Take it easy.
Je veux encore
Ecouter ces mots que j'adore
Votre voix est si caressante
Que les murmures fremissants
Me bercent de sa belle histoire
Et malgre moi je veux y croire
Parlez-moi d'amour
Reditez-moi des choses tendres
Votre beau discours
Mon coeur n'est pas las
de I'entendre
Pourvu que toujours
Vous repetiez ces mots supremes
Je vous aime
ll est si doux
Mon cher tresor d'etre
un peu fou
La vie est parfois trop amere
Si I'on ne croit pas
aux chimeres
Le chagrin est vite agueri
ll faut consoler...
Du coeur on guerit la blessure
Par un sermen qui le rassure
Since my husband's demise...
my daughter is obsessed
with pain, loss, and death.
She finds them romantic.
We don't find death.
It finds us.
It's gonna find you in a minute.
Easy, easy, my dear,
with that valise.
It's hand-stitched leather.
Florentine.
It bears the tatters
of a Tuscan tryst.
- Another carcass.
- Can it, Em.
- Will that be all?
- Yes. Thank you, my dear.
I'd tip you,
but I'm clothing rich...
and cash poor at the moment.
See me at the end of the voyage.
Emily.
Though this is, perhaps,
our last voyage of this kind...
given the tremendous blow
to our finances.
You mean because Daddy...
Don't you dare to mention him!
That philanthropic cocksucker...
left all the money to the poor
and not a dirty dime to me!
Oh, Mary, Mother of God,
what have I ever done to you?
Life without money
is no goddamn life at all!
You know that!
As I was saying...
this unfortunate turn of events
notwithstanding...
I want our trip to the Continent
to be a happy and hopeful one...
so put a smile
on that lovely face...
and let's pray that this ship is
overflowing with men of means.
God almighty, it's them!
It's you!
Get them! Get them! Get them!
Faster!
Stop, please, please!
Ohh!
I don't know where they went.
Find those bastards! Find them!
Ohh.
Yes, this is Monsieur Lagasse...
in stateroom 10.
I would like two cognac.
Hennessy, s'il vous plait.
Merci.
Who is it?
C'est moi.
I wasn't followed.
No problem with the passport?
No problem at all.
Aces.
So how's the French thing going?
The accent?
Superb.
What?
Superb.
Oh.
So we're all set, Johnny?
Easy as pie.
You'll make Mrs. Essendine
fall in love with you?
Essendine's a goose
ready for cooking.
Gonna make her marry you
and put her dough in your names?
Piece of cake.
This lighter doesn't work.
Cheap boat.
And you'll knock her off,
and all that dough will be ours?
- Candy from a baby, babe.
- Oh, Johnny.
You do the same
with the sheik, Maxi.
I'll wreck that sheik
in two shakes.
- Then you'll slay him.
- In more ways than one.
That's my sweet cookie.
What are we gonna do
with all that cash?
What do you think, babe?
Take it on the lam and
scram to some far-off land...
and lead a life of bliss,
Johnny?
Regular bowl of cherries, babe.
- And you'll love me, Johnny?
- What?
- And you'll love me, Johnny?
- Like a bee loves honey.
- I'm so hungry, Johnny.
- Me, too.
Johnny, gobble me up.
Oh, Johnny.
Mmm, Johnny.
Touch me! Touch me!
Regina! Regina!
- Maxi!
- Oh!
Blow! Blow! Blow!
Oh! Oh!
- Blow!
- Oh!
- Blow!
- Whoa!
Blow! Please blow! Oh, God!
Oh, get on with it!
Just a touch...
Ow! God, you ox!
Be careful!
Anything happens
to this profile...
it's the death
of my film career!
You don't have a film career.
I'm too fucking good
to have a film career!
Those upstarts...
who the hell do they
think they are, hmm?
Treating me like this,
an actor of my caliber!
Ow! Go on, leave it,
you fucking useless bastard!
Have they found
those two boys yet?
No. I'll go do it...
Oh, God! Jesus!
The pain!
Get me to the infirmary!
Sir, I think you're fine.
Oh, fuck you.
I'm not fine, my lad.
I'm not fine. Just look
into my... Ow, God! Ow!
Help me! Help me!
You've blinded me!
Ohh!
- Maurice, listen!
- No... no...
- What?
- Shh!
There's a French couple.
They're not really French.
They're down there.
They're really from New York.
They're gonna kill a sheik
and a rich lady.
- You're kidding.
- No. We gotta do something.
- The first mate?
- Yeah?
He's from another country.
He's going to blow up the ship.
What?
When are the bombs
set to go off?
Midnight.
Oh, my God, we're gonna die!
- Shh!
- I don't want to die!
Listen,
your dream has come true.
You'll have
your great tragic death.
I don't want a real one!
Shh! Somebody's coming!
No, no, no, no.
Oh. Here we go.
Put this on. Put these on.
I want to see the doctor.
Sir, if I may say so...
Doctors...
I beg you... heal me.
I'm in your hands.
Help!
Heeelllp!
Oh, my God! The stowaways!
Please don't try anything.
I don't want to hurt you.
I mean, I could.
I may be supposed to...
but I never really could...
so let's just be
easy with each other.
You don't have
to worry about us, sir.
I just... I hate these things.
I just... I hate these things.
Aah!
Arthy?
Arthy.
Oh, my God.
Oh!
- Maurice?
- What?
Jesus!
Help me up.
Jee...
Oh!
It's all right. It's OK.
How? Wha...
Jeez, Arthur, I really...
I really thought that...
- Did you?
- Yes, I did.
- It worked?
- I think so.
Good. OK, Maurice, listen.
We gotta save the ship.
OK.
- Maurice?
- Yes, Arthy?
- We must be brave.
- I know.
We risk imprisonment
and even death.
- Death?
- Yes.
- Arthur?
- Yes, Maurice?
The time has come to act.
- I need my bag!
- Would you stop with the bag?
- You're on.
- I need my bag! Miss Leaky!
And now,
ladies and gentlemen...
the dulcet tones
of Mr. Happy Franks.
Shall we start the first number?
Yeah... The Nearness of You...
Isn't that a little...
What?
Slow?
- Do you know it?
- Sure.
- Then play it.
- OK.
It's not the pale moon
That excites me
That thrills
And delights me
Oh, no
It's just the nearness
Of you
When you're in my arms
And I feel you so close
To...
All my wildest dreams
Come true...
I need no soft lights
To enchant me
If you'll
Only grant me...
The...
Thank you, thank you,
Mr. Franks.
How about a warm hand
for Mr. Franks?
Play something upbeat.
Triple bourbon, please.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Ohh.
I know your pain.
You seem so sad, Captain.
I'm always a little sad.
But why?
You're the captain of
a big, beautiful ship.
You see...
on every voyage...
all my life I look for
a woman I loved...
so long ago.
Almond eyes
and the mouth of a cherub.
Hmm.
Oh, who's that?
He's turning around.
Good Christ, he's ancient!
But look at those rings.
Obviously he's loaded.
Oh, God. Wretched.
Probably drop dead
before he gets here.
Waiter.
Evening.
Good evening. Martini, please.
Right away, sir.
Oh, no, not in that glass.
That glass.
- That is for display, sir.
- It'll do just fine.
- Should I have an accent, too?
- What?
I don't know.
What kind of accent
would it be?
I don't know.
That's up to you.
How about Indian?
I've always wanted to do Indian.
Yeah, but you don't really
look Indian.
That's true.
Oh! There we are.
Thank you so much.
Very good man.
Very kind. Thank you.
There they are.
Pardon.
Oh, my.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Jean Lagasse,
entrepreneur and poet.
Oh, charmant.
I would like a...
Grasshopper, s'il vous plait?
Forgive me. I do not
speak very well English.
I am a French woman
traveling alone unaccompanied.
Alone.
We gotta do something.
We gotta find the bomber.
- Mm-hmm.
- First, look for Lil.
Gotcha.
Do you know the gentleman
who stole your wife?
Danny Sussman.
Excuse me?
He was my agent.
Some agent.
He was a great agent.
I loved him like a brother.
I loved my wife
like a mother and a hooker...
and look where it's got me!
Look! Alone, afraid...
and I just want to die!
Don't give up, Hap.
You don't want to die.
Sorry I'm late.
For what?
May I get you some champagne?
Oh, too kind.
Garcon, champagne.
Parlez-moi
D'amour
Reditez-moi
Des choses tendres
Votre beau discours
La la la la la la la...
Abend.
Do you hear a ticking?
No.
Tick-tick-tick, like that?
No.
Hey, hey, the actor!
Boy, you look so bad.
I found them!
They tried to murder me!
- Who?
- The stowaways!
Stowaways? Where?
Oh, God!
Gentlemen, you must help!
I've found them!
- The stowaways?
- Yes...
I told the captain, but he
doesn't seem to understand!
You must do something.
The detective, he's missing.
- Haven't seen him for hours.
- Pity.
Meistrich, tell the crew
to step up the search.
I will.
- Thank you.
- Calm yourself.
- Thank you.
- Not at all.
- Do you hear...
- No.
God, where is she?
I don't know, Arthy.
I don't know.
God, Maurice. We're gonna die.
Hey, there she is! Lily!
- Lily!
- Come on!
May I have this dance, please?
I'll have her back in a jiffy.
- The stowaways were spotted.
- Where? Are they here?
No. They are still
being sought out.
Did Marco find them?
Nein.
He seems to have disappeared.
What?
May I have this honor?
Excellent!
That mouth...
the mouth of a cherub.
Could it be?
Is it she?
Amore mio...
My love!
Are you you?
No, I'm not me.
Yes, you are.
Not anymore.
Since that night,
I have longed for you.
And I for you.
Amore.
Amore. No.
Si. Si.
When we are dancing
and you're dangerously near me
I get ideas
I get ideas
I want to hold you
so much closer than I dare to
I want to scold you 'cause
I care more than I care to
And when you touch me and
there's fire in every finger
I get ideas
I get ideas
And after we have
kissed good night
And still you linger
I kind of think
you get ideas, too
Your eyes are always saying
The things you're never saying
I only hope they're saying
That you could love me, too
For that's the whole idea
It's true
Lovely idea
That I've
fallen in love with you
Shall I come to
your stateroom at midnight?
Oh, yes. Yes.
Yes, again.
Hey.
He wants to kill you.
He's trying to kill you!
Oh, shit!
Please excuse me.
What a grotesque woman.
Your eyes are always saying
The things you're never saying
I only hope they're saying
That you could love me, too
That's the whole idea
It's true
Lovely idea
That I've fallen in love
with you
Oh!
Lily! Psst!
Lily! Lily! Psst!
Lily! It's me!
Arthur! It's me! Lily!
Ooh! Ow!
Why don't you look
where you're going?
Terribly sorry.
Please forgive me.
You're British!
Thank God for that, old boy!
I've been drowning
in this sea of Americans.
- Oh, sure.
- They're all colonials.
Every man Jack of them.
- Now I've found you...
- Yeah?
- Let's go have a drink.
- No, I'm fine.
I'm not a drinker.
I'm a teetotaler.
Oh! What the...
Was that your best shot,
savage gypsy lover?
- Come to my stateroom.
- Non, non.
I will give you things.
I will take them,
but tonight at midnight.
In my country,
they kill the insane.
Where exactly
in England are you from?
Chester near
Chichester-on-Manchester.
- Never heard of it.
- Quite small.
Keep your eyes open, old boy.
They could be anywhere.
Here we are. Bottoms up.
Oh, thank you very much.
Don't give up, Hap.
Don't want to die.
Don't be afraid of love.
Don't kid a kidder, kid!
People are afraid of poverty,
of war, of pestilence...
of not knowing who they are
or what they want, of dogs!
And I say don't... don't
fear these things!
They're not real!
You want something to fear?
Do you know what to fear?
Love. Fear love.
Love is real,
and it is terrifying.
If you're gonna be afraid,
be afraid when someone says...
I love you.
Je t'aime.
Ti amo.
Ich liebe dich.
I...
I love you!
I love...
Oh! Ha! I think...
It's you.
No!
Impostor.
Impostor!
Impostor!
Impostor!
Impostor!
Impostor!
Impostor!
Unh!
Impostor!
Arthy!
Stop them! Stop them!
Impostor!
I think I have been found out.
Our plan must be
carried out now.
I will seize the queen and
escape with her immediately...
then detonate the bombs myself.
Meet me in one hour
at the appointed place.
This is Voltri, over and out.
We've been found out, Johnny.
What are we gonna do?
Don't tell me we're gonna
jump ship because I can't swim!
Come on.
It was him! I knew it!
The stowaway is an impostor!
Come on.
Let's go and get those bastards!
We haven't been found out.
They're the impostors.
Our cover ain't been blown.
It's business as usual.
Did you tell the sheik
to meet you in his room?
I did, Johnny.
Aces. I'm meeting
the old broad in hers.
Go seek the sheik.
I'll catch up with you later.
Hey.
You knock him dead, kid.
You bet I will, Johnny.
Johnny? You're a genius.
Don't flatter me, babe.
I don't know what to do with it.
I'm sorry, Johnny.
Stop!
I'm a man!
And so am I!
Oh, my God!
Hey!
Hold it!
Hi, Lil.
- Arthy?
- Yeah?
- Can I be the man next time?
- Sure. OK.
Fellas,
we gotta find the first mate.
Step on it, fellas!
Shh! Shh!
Marco!
Oh, Lily!
I have done something awful!
Marco, these are the stowaways.
It's nice to meet you.
It's nice to meet you.
Oh! Madonna!
No! It's OK!
No, it's OK!
Marco, these two are actors.
They are pretending
to be the stowaways?
No, they are the stowaways,
but they're actors.
So I didn't... You didn't die?
No.
I just pretended.
Very good.
Really?
Yeah... Wha... I believed you!
Thanks.
And you're an actor, too?
Yeah.
Yes, I am also an actor.
Well, would I have seen you
in anything?
It's a possibility.
I mean, it's...
Do you think you have?
It's... it's hard.
- It's been a...
- Tough stretch.
It's been a little slow.
It's been... Yeah.
- But you know...
- It's not...
The deck is kind
of stacked against...
It's a hard business.
It's a tough business.
But what can you do?
We're on a tickin' ship,
and she blows at midnight.
We've gotta go.
Oh, my God! Why?
The first mate has planted
bombs all over the ship.
He's a gardener?
What?
How many bulbs did he plant?
No, not bulbs. Bombs!
- Oh, bombs!
- We gotta go!
I got a plan!
Wait!
Lily...
will you marry me?
Oh, yes, Marco.
I will marry you.
Well, well, well.
So, now I see
the real you, Lily.
Not only are you
a two-timing harlot...
but you are
a common criminal as well.
I'm afraid so, Meistrich.
I guess you're not gonna
love me anymore.
No. I love you more.
You are a wild beast,
and I must tame you.
Rrowr!
Anngh.
Let's go!
Happy!
Happy!
Oh, Happy! Happy!
Please, Happy! I promise
not to love you too hard!
Happy!
Happy!
Happy!
Happy!
I could love you, Emily...
but I can't.
Please!
So long, kid.
Happy!
Ohh!
Happy!
Happy!
Happy! Please!
Happy!
Please! Happy!
- Oh!
- Happy!
Madame Essendine,
je suis arrive.
Not here. My daughter.
Ha ha!
Leave no stone unturned,
and a worm will be found!
Come, my queen,
your people await you.
Allow me to escort you
to your death.
Ha ha ha ha!
No!
Where are you, amore mio?
Where are you?
Oh, that mouth! My whole life!
- Hey!
- Oh! Oh!
- Bandit!
- Ohh!
Bandit!
Woo-hoo.
Your Highness...
it is me.
Hello?
Your Highness?
Woo-hoo.
Psst!
Your Highness, wait for me.
Mon amour.
Mon amour?
Ah, mon amour.
Your Highness?
Hello?
Mon amour.
Oh!
Oh!
Give me back my love!
My love!
Happy!
No! I'm not Happy!
I'm miserable,
and I want to die!
You must go on!
I can't go on.
The show is over for this fella.
But I love you, Hap!
Can't you love me?
I'd be afraid to try, Emily.
You can do it, Hap.
Sorry, kid... but I gotta go.
No!
What's going on here?
Oh, no! The first mate,
he's gotten away!
Ha ha ha ha!
He's got the detonator!
He's gonna blow up the ship!
She's right!
I hold your ends in my hands.
For in my hands I hold... death!
The death of all of you...
and your confused,
bourgeois lives!
With your deaths,
we will tell the world...
who we are
and what we fight for!
We fight to create a world
where there will be no pretense.
Each thing will be what it is...
each man and woman
will know who they are...
and all will be equal.
All masks will be removed,
and we will have a single face!
One single face!
One single face!
One single face!
One single face!
One single face!
One single face!
Parlez-moi d'amour
Reditez-moi des choses tendres
Votre beau discours
Mon coeur n'est pas las
de I'entendre
Pourvu que toujours
Vous repetiez ces mots supremes
Je vous aime
Vous savez bien
Que tant de fois
je ne crois rien
Mais cependant je veux encore
Ecouter ces mots que j'adore
Votre voix est si caressante
Que les murmures fremissants
Me bercent de sa belle histoire
Et malgre moi je veux y croire
Parlez-moi d'amour
Reditez-moi des choses tendres
Votre beau discours
Mon coeur n'est pas las
de I'entendre
Pourvu que toujours
Vous repetiez ces mots supremes
Je vous aime
Fellas, I just have
to ask you a question.
And you've probably
thought of this...
but when the baker
gave you the tickets...
why didn't you just sell them
if you needed the cash?
I bet they were worth
a lot of money.
Well, I'm glad you didn't,
or we would have never met.
- Thanks, Lil.
- Thanks, Lil.
- Would you like to dance?
- Yes.
Excuse us.
Ah, love.
Yes, yes, yes.
Ahh.
To life.
And its many deaths.