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The Iron Maiden (1963)
Isn't she beautiful?
- You think so? - Oh yes, beautiful. Oh yes, indeed, very beautiful. Triumph, if I might say so, Sir Giles, for Giles Thompson Airways. Well thanks, thanks very much. Very soon, the whole world will be singing the praises of the T Stroke G T Stroke 3. Not with a name like that, they won't. I was the one you asked to name it, sir, and I have tried many ways, naming it after the pilot Harry, our designer Jack, and even after our Chairman, you, Sir Giles. - Yes? No go. Perhaps our designer will have some suggestions when he gets here. Yes, where is Jack? Find out what's happened to him, Bill. Get me Jack Hopkins' cottage on the phone, please. Hello? Hello, Mr. Hopkins there? Mr. Hopkins? Who's that speaking, please? If it's for me, I've gone, right? Sir Giles who? - Sir Giles Thompson. - Oh, Sir Giles Thompson. And you want to speak to Mr. Hopkins? Thought you were never coming. He's left. How long ago? Well, The Iron Maiden's just going down the road now. Got a good head of steam, too. That's my Fred what does the firing. Oh, very good at getting steam up is my Fred. I don't understand, would you mind repeating that? I said my Fred's very good at getting up steam. Yes, no doubt. But what was that you said about The Iron Maiden? The Iron Maiden, that's the name Well, I know that, but what's he doing on it? Well, driving it, of course, what do you think? He's gone to the rally. Rally, what rally? The Westover and District Traction Engine Rally. He's gone to a traction engine rally. Where is the rally? Westover, and he's taken The Iron Maiden. He's not going all the way to Westover on that thing. That's what this woman says. Look, if I take the car and intercept him, will you be ready for your test by this afternoon, Harry? Yes, I don't mind. - Are you still there? - Of course I am. That's the trouble, that's what I'm telling you about. Don't worry, madam, I'm sorry to have troubled you. Good day. I must say, Sir Giles, I don't know of any other company that would put up with Jack's behaviour. Hasn't he got enough faith in his own plane to fly in it? All right, all right. Have my car sent 'round, I'm going to fetch him. would you send Sir Giles' car around to the front entrance straightaway, please? Stand by for your test flight this afternoon. I say, sir, why don't we call it that the Silver Bird, the Flying Bird, the Silver Flying Bird? Ah, the Swift. You'll get a swift something else in a minute. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome on this sunny day to the Westover and District Traction Engine Rally. As you might expect, we open the show with a grand parade so that every one of you can get a good close up of these champions of the steam age. You will also be seeing them in a steering competition. Dreadnought, ahoy. Hello, Admiral. - Oh, blast the boy. Good afternoon, Hopkins. Cutting it a bit fine, aren't you? I thought you decided to stay in home waters. Well, we didn't hurry, Admiral. After all, there's not much competition here this afternoon. What do you say, Fred? Nothing at all, I'd say. Not much competition, why ya young sprog. Just you wait. The Dreadnought will blast you out of the water, won't we, Vicar? All right, Admiral, hoist your battle ensign. - Vicar? - Yes? - Action stations! - Yes, right. I must say, the two that really take the eye are The Iron Maiden, a Fowler showman's engine built in 1920 and its rival the 1914 Burrells engine Dreadnought, as you might expect, in battleship grey. The tug of war between, on my left, The Iron Maiden, on my right, Dreadnought. The Iron Maiden... - Come on, The Iron Maiden. Come on, The Iron Maiden. Come on, Dreadnought. Come on, The Iron Maiden. Pray, blast ya, pray, Vicar. Just don't stand there with that blasted wheel in your hand, pray like hell. Go on, guv, give her the works. - Come on, The Iron Maiden. - Come on! Come on, pray, blast you, pray! Come on, old girl. Now that's my beauty, come on! If the Admiral's not careful, he'll blow his fuse. Turn on the injector cock, Vicar, or we'll both be blown to the devil. Speak for yourself. Oh, to hell with you. Come on, Fred, we've got 'em. The Iron Maiden's won. A terrific contest between two great rivals. Bad luck, Admiral. Bad luck be damned. You had a five knot following wind in your favour. Yes, the downhill gradient too, I suppose. Now that you come to mention it, yes. Oh, come off it, Admiral. Why don't you just admit that The Dreadnought's past it? Past it? Past it, you've got a nerve. Wait 'til we get to Woburn Abbey. We'll beat the hell out of ya, eh Vicar? The Iron Maiden, on the other hand, handsome and debonair in her maroon and shining brass. Hopkins! Mr. Giles, what are you doing here? I might ask you the same question. Is something up? Something should have been up, the TGT 3, the plane that you designed. - But. - But with all these more important activities, I suppose it slipped your mind that the test should have begun an hour ago. Oh, good lord, sir, was that today? Yes, today. It is customary for the designer to be aboard on these occasions. Yes, Sir Giles, I'm terribly sorry. Leave this thing where it is and come with me. She flies, anyway. Not bad, not bad at all for a traction engine driver. Belt up and keep climbing. Beautiful. Beautiful. Why not call it The Hummingbird? That doesn't hum, it stinks. Let me talk to Hopkins. Hello, Jack. Hopkins here, sir. Everything okay? Everything's fine. Well when you get your height, see what she'll do. Okay, sir. Let her go. - What speed did she do? - Mac one five, sir. She wasn't even trying. Mac 1.5, hey? That's right. Well, the timing is absolutely perfect. I don't see how we can go wrong. Mr. Fisher of the Trans-Global arrives from New York tomorrow and I've invited him down here the next day. Provided you can all spare enough time from your private hobbies, that hundred million dollar contract as good as ours. From what I gather, the new Polygon will take some beating. Hmm, I'm not so much worried about the Polygon as I am about the people who made it. Lord Upshott is no fool. He's got a highly trained sales staff, they won't miss a trick. And you can bet he won't hesitate to dazzle the fishes with the titles and stately homes and all the other social trimmings. I thought Fisher was coming over here to buy a plane. He is, but Mrs. Fisher isn't. And there is a Miss Fisher, too. Well don't look at me, sir. That's one from bachelor gay. Oh no you don't, I'm not that kind of designer. I don't go in for those tactics. Lord Upshott does. He'll go to any lengths to sell Fisher the Polygon. I happen to know that he's arranged for his son to go and meet the Fishers off the boat at Southampton tomorrow. Yeah, the best of luck. Has anyone seen the Polygon? Yes, I have. It's got swept-back wings and bi-pass. And that disposes of the test flight schedule, I think. Now, Humphrey. Yes, Father? Nobody outside this room knows that you're going to Southampton tomorrow to meet the Fishers from the boat. Jolly good. First class security. All you've got to do is to meet them, take them up to London, and leave them at the hotel. Yes, Father. And for heaven's sake, don't try and talk business. You know absolutely nothing about it. No, father. What about miss Fisher? Both of them, naturally. Remember, the quickest way to any American millionaires' chequebook is through his womenfolk. We're a jump ahead of Sir Giles and his boys at the moment and I intend to keep it that way. Now, the boat docks at 12 o'clock. You be there. Oh Paul, are we really in England? Hey you, get out of the ruddy way! Ah yes, Miriam, we're in England. Excuse me, Mr. Fisher, Mr. Paul Fisher? That's me. Oh good, how do you do? My name is Gore-Brown. Oh, you must be related to the Gore Blimeys we've heard so much about. No, I'm not, I'm Polygon Aircraft. My father, Lord Upshott, asked me to... It's very nice to meet you, Mr., that is Lord uh? Actually, no, my father's the Lord. I'm just Honourable. Well that's good news for a start. Mrs. Fisher? No, actually mother's the missus. I'm just Kathy. In that case, these are for you. Thank You, Mr. Honourable. Oh no no, please call me Humphrey. It's very nice of you to come down to meet us. Perhaps we'll see you in London. Well, I didn't realise you had your own car with you. You see, I brought the Rolls to take you to London, as it were. but, well just a plain old Cadillac is good enough for us. Come on, Miriam. Well in that case, perhaps you'll at least allow me to lead the way for you. Oh please, no trouble, we have a road map. There's no trouble at all, I know the most lovely route off the main roads. Marvellous scenery. I know you'll enjoy it, Mrs. Fisher. It sounds wonderful. We'd like that, wouldn't we, Paul? I don't care how we get there just so long as we do get to London. Jolly good, then, follow me. Thank you, sir. Paul, you were so nasty to that darling young man. Come on, Miriam, grow up. All that soft soaping hogwash? Mother, they don't tell me the Honourable Humphrey Gore what's this is a typical Englishman. Oh, aristocrats are never typical, honey. But all Englishmen have such wonderful manners, don't they? Oh, they're so calm and so courteous and so reserved. And they're trying to sell me an aeroplane. Paul, how can you think business? It's in the bag, old boy. I wish the Honourable Humphrey would remember I have a left hand drive. Kathy, honey, be careful. Why can't the English drive on the right side like everybody else? Here we go again. Paul, honey, why don't you relax? You're in England. Yes, dear. Don't you sometimes feel as if you'd just like to get away from it all? Yes, dear. Oh, there's one of those stately homes. I bet it belongs to one of the upstarts. Upshotts. Why, hello. Are you expected? Well, that's funny. We're supposed to be following a Rolls Royce to London. One passed me a little way back. same model, could it have been that one? Oh, more than likely, knowing the driver. Well, if you want London, it's that way. You turn right when you get outside the gate and then you turn left at the crossroads and right at the main road, you can't miss it. It's been there long time. Thank you very much. All right. That fool Humphrey. Well, at least we're seeing some of the country. By all accounts, it wouldn't take long to see all of it. Do you have a railroad marked on your map? Nothing marked, why? That's funny, thought I heard a train whistle. Well, come on Kathy, step on it, will you? We've gonna make London before dark. And what exactly do you think you're doing? What do I think I'm doing? You've got a nerve. I suppose you drive down the middle of the road in America, too. No, in America we have roads wide enough for two cars to pass. - Really? - Yes. Well in that case, I suggest you go back there and take this heap of Detroit tin with you. - Now look, young fella. - You keep out of it. Don't talk to my father like that. Speaking of scrap iron, what is that thing? That thing, for your information, happens to be in 1921. What a horrible young man. He can't possibly be English. All right, Fred, back her up. Thank you. You're welcome. It's all right, Fred, no damage. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about, what about my car? You don't seem to understand. Cadillacs are two a penny, but an engine like this is absolutely unique and quite irreplaceable. Yes, well I suggest that you replace your brakes. I'm most awfully sorry, we seem to have lost each other. Good lord, have you had an accident? No, driving into traction engines is a hobby of mine. Really, I didn't know. Oh, you're pulling my leg, aren't you? You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad to see you. Thank you, sir. Well your car obviously isn't drivable. If you'd all care to get into the Rolls, I'll deal with these roadmenders. Now look here, my man, it's quite obviously all your fault. Hey, just a minute, what the hell are you talking about? Now don't you take that attitude with me, my good fellow. I've got your number, you know. Now here is my name and telephone number, I want you to tow this car to the garage and have them telephone me this evening. Tell them to fix it as soon as possible. And that's for your trouble. Who the bloody hell does he think he is? What's the matter, Fred? Tow it to a garage, he says. Tell 'em to fix it, he says. And this ten bob for your trouble, he says. Whose car is it? I don't know. Friend of this bloke's, I suppose. I suppose we'd better earn our ten bob. Only, instead of towing it to a garage, we'll take it back to the airfield and fix it ourselves. And you can phone whoever it is and maybe he'll give us another ten bob. Morning, Trotter. - Good morning, sir. - Have you seen Mr. Hopkins anywhere? Yes sir, he's down there, sir. Jack? Morning, Sir Giles. Good heavens, Jack. What's the matter, sir? Do you realise that Fisher's due here in ten minutes' time? Fisher, who's Fisher? Fisher of Trans-Global. Well don't worry about that, sir. I've got my conference suit on under this. Well, you'd better hurry and clean up. It is just possible that a man who is about to spend a hundred million dollars buying new aeroplanes might want to have a word with the man who designed them. Yes, well he won't want to see me until after he's been up in the plane, will he? By which time I sincerely hope that you and Harry and the sales boys will have flogged it to him anyway. I think it'll take a bit longer than that, Fisher's a tough nut. What's all this in aid of? Oh, some damn fool American girl ran slap into The Iron Maiden. Is she all right? Scraped a bit of paint off the boiler, otherwise she's fine. I meant the girl. Oh, the girl. Yes, I suppose so. Well you know what these American girls are like, tough as old boots and look it. Mr. Fisher - Sir Giles Thompson. - That's right. How do you do, sir? My daughter, Kathy. Sir Giles. Well, I'm glad to see you're using a British car. Well, it's not by choice, I'll tell you. Huh? I brought one of my Cadillacs over here and we weren't here an hour when bang, you'll never guess what happened. Not a, not an accident? Have you ever driven head on into a giant traction engine? Traction engine? Yeah, some idiot with no brakes. Why, if it hadn't been for Kathy here keeping her head, he would have flattened the bunch of us. Good heavens, well I hope, I mean did you get his name? No, we got his number, we didn't get his name. Thank God, I mean well thank God you weren't killed. Well, thank you. Of course, with us it couldn't be just an accident, had to be a traction engine. However, we didn't come here to talk about traction engines, did we? I hope not, indeed. Well, where is this wonderful plane? Just over there waiting for you. Well, I'll leave you to it, Dad. All right, sweetheart. I'll just have a look around, if that's all right with you, Sir Giles. Well, there's nothing much to see, I'm afraid. Don't worry, I'll find something. There we are, fit for the road again. More than can be said for the driver. Drop down the shifting spanner, will you, Fred? Ow! Fred? You said to drop it. Very funny. So, you're a sadist, too, are you? What are you doing here? Well I hope you're a better mechanic than you are an engine driver. And I hope you realise that you're trespassing on a top secret airfield. - Really? - Yes, really. That happens to be the latest supersonic jet liner. Well I sincerely hope that you had nothing to do with it. Oh, do you? Yes, because if you had, my father wouldn't go within 10 feet of it. And what has your father got to do with it? Well, he happens to be in it at this very moment trying to decide whether it's worth buying or not. Oh, is he Paul Fisher of Trans-Global Airline? Yes, he is, and he would be much obliged if you would bring what's left of our car 'round to the main building. Paul Fisher. You were right, Sir Giles, this is a very impressive plane. I'm glad to hear you say so. I'm looking forward to meeting her designer. As I've always said, a good plane reflects the personality of her designer. If he's good, the plane is good. When I spend a hundred million dollars, I look for two things, a good plane and a good designer. I can tell you right now, Sir Giles, that within two minutes of meeting your man I'll know what my decision will be. Well Dad, how was it? Well, I won't say anything definitely yet, sweetheart, until I tried the Polygon but strictly off the record, Sir Giles, it'll have to be pretty good to beat that one. When do you try the Polygon? - Tomorrow afternoon. - Uh huh. Now where is this designer of yours? Well, he's, I'm afraid he's had a rather unfortunate accident. Oh, then I won't get to see him today. I hope not. I mean, I mean I hope he'll be better by tomorrow. Well, in that case, you better get him over to my hotel before lunch tomorrow. - Yes. - If he's the man I think he is, that flight with the Polygon will be a mere formality. Hey, that's my car. Stand by for surprise number two. You, what are you doing here? I work here. He's a. He's a mechanic, believe it or not. Yes, that's what he is, he's a mechanic. He's a maniac, you mean. Sir Giles, is this man employed by you? On a temporary basis. We don't know how long he's going to stay with us. All right, Hopkins, that'll be all. Yes, sir. As you probably guessed it, that is the man who attacked my car with a traction engine. Yes, I did, I heard about it. I'll deal with him, and naturally, the cost of repairs. That's not important. It's just that I hate to feel that you have incompetent men on your staff. I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Fisher. - Good day, Sir Giles. - I'm terribly sorry. I do apologise. Hey, you missed one. You've landed us in a nice mess, haven't you? You and your ruddy iron woman thing. - What have I done? - Done, what have you done? Come up to my office and I'll tell you. Well, you got us into this mess and you've got to get us out. But it's not my fault if that crazy girl goes around the place driving into other people's traction engines. Jack, what you don't seem to remember is that the customer is always right. That's just a lot of sales talk and I'm not a salesman, I'm a designer. Exactly, and that's the little item of news you're going to break to Mr. Fisher at his hotel tomorrow. Me, why me? Because at the moment he thinks you're stark staring mad and I'm not sure I don't agree with him. It's up to you to prove that you're not. I won't go, I'm damned if I will. We'll all be damned if you don't. We can just kiss that contract goodbye. I'm sorry sir, but I'm not going and that is final. Thank you. Seven, please. Seven. Hello, Kathy, hope I'm not too early. Not at all. I brought you, um, this little bit of nonsense. Oh, well thank you Humphrey, they're beautiful. Oh, won't you come in? Yes, thank you. What do you want? I came to see your father. I have an appointment. - Since when? - Since yesterday. Well, that's the first I've heard of it. Quite likely. Well, you'd better come in. I'll find out if he wants to see you. Thank you. Oh, by the way, I've been told to apologise to you about your car driving into my traction engine. Oh, have you? Well, I must say that's quite an apology. You don't have to accept it, of course. Well, since you've gone to the trouble of buying me such a beautiful box of chocolates, I accept. This isn't for you, it's for your father. The Henley Regatta. Oh Humphrey, we'd love to. Of course, the Duke of Bedford will be there, who's an old friend of ours. - The Duke of Bedford? - Yes, I'm sure he'd be delighted to have you in his party. Oh Kathy, isn't that exciting? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here. - Mother, this is Mr. - Hopkins. Oh Mr. Hopkins, how do you do? How do you do? Haven't we met before? Yes mother, you probably don't recognise him without his traction engine. Oh. - Morning, Gore-Brown. - Morning, sir. I won't keep you long, I'm expecting the chief designer from Giles-Thompson. He's late already. No, I'm not sir. - You. - I'm afraid so. Don't be silly, he can't be. I know, Miriam, now just keep calm. Gore-Brown, I suggest you take the ladies downstairs and buy them a drink. - Yes. - Now, I'll be right with you both just a few minutes, won't take me long to deal with this gentleman. - But I don't want a drink. - You'll love it, Miriam. Thank you very much. Now, young fella, you got some explaining to do. This is for you, sir, with Sir Giles' compliments. Well, thank you. Now sir, if you'd like to go through these with me, I'll be happy to answer any questions that you'd like to ask. Well, I'm going to a matinee as soon as we visit your factory or whatever it is. Oh, I'm looking forward to it. And Kathy's gonna visit some friends, where is it, Kathy? - Tring. Is that very far, Humphrey? No, not at all far. If I weren't taking your mother and father to see the Polygon, I'd offer to drive you there myself. Well, thank you, Humphrey, I have a car. Oh. Tell me, Humphrey, do you know this man Hopkins, the man upstairs with my husband? No, well I know of him, of course, he's one of the finest designers in the country. Oh, there you are, sir. Hopkins. I'm glad you're here. We're keeping Lord Upshott waiting, you know. I'm sorry we are late, Miriam, but Mr. Hopkins and I got carried away on the plane. Oh Kathy, a phone call came through for you upstairs. The car hire people, they had a car on the way to you but it broke down and they haven't got a spare. Oh, good heavens. what am I supposed to do now? Well, where was it you were going? Tring, I'm lunching with the Goldenbergers. Tring, that's on your way, isn't Mr. Hopkins? - Yes, it is. - Well good, you can drop off Kathy. - Well, Paul. - Oh no, I don't think. Well, that's settled then. Gore-Brown, we're all yours. Be seeing you. And may I say, the Polygon will have to be quite a plane. It is, I can assure you of that, it's definitely a plane. Goodbye, Kathy. Give my love to the Goldenbergers, honey. Bye, Kathy. Shall we go? Who or what are the Goldenbergers, a baseball team? They're old friends of the family. He happens to be one of the secretaries in the Embassy, if you must know. Oh. Look, I'm quite willing to take you, of course, but I have to make a call on the way. It'll only take a second, but if you'd rather. - That would be fine, thank you. Since you Americans are so interested in titles, perhaps you'd like to meet the Duchess of Avon. Where's the Duchess of Avon? You'll soon see. There she is, isn't she something? Hello, Jack me old darling. Hell, Charlie. - How's The Iron Maiden? - Oh fine, thank you Charlie. Fine. look, brought the programme for the Woburn Rally. Oh thanks, I'll get them printed up. What's up with the old Duchess, then? She's not been at all well lately, poor old dear. If I don't get right by the end of the week, They've got her working the Big Wheel this time. But I don't think her big ends will last much longer. She's getting past it. Past it, Charlie? The Duchess, no never. I'll take a look at it. Oh, and this is Miss Fisher. How do you do, miss? How do you do? She's from America. Mr. Hopkins, you do remember I have an appointment? Yes, this won't be a minute. Let's try taking them up a bit. No, I've tried that. Well, we'll give it another go. Stop her, Charlie. No, no she's in one of her moods. Oh no! Mr. Hopkins, if you don't get me off this thing, I'll. Let's have another go. Mr. Hopkins, get me off of this thing. Mr. Hopkins. - Did you hear something, Charlie? - Wait a minute. Get me down. You'd better get me down. - Blimey. There's somebody up there. - Up where? - On the wheel. Please get me down. Stupid idiot. What'd you want to get up there for? Blimey, this'll mean war. Get her going again, Charlie. Jack, get me out of here. Charlie, turn it off. Charlie! Charlie! Charlie, get me down. How did you get up there? No good, she's packed up altogether this time. Women. Ooh, that's enough. Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, miss. I don't really believe that this thing works. Give it time, miss, give it time. I can assure you it's a surefire cure. Well, thank you very much. If you should need me, the bell's right there. Yes, thank you. You're sure you'll be all right? Quite sure. What have you done with my car? Shall I eject this gentleman, miss? No, that's all right, I know him. Very good, miss. I repeat, what have you done with my car? Nothing. What do you mean nothing? left it. Where? I don't know, where it ran out of gas. You mean you just left it in the road? Yes, where did you expect me to leave it, up a tree? Of all the selfish, insufferable spoiled brats. I could say the same for you. You set eyes on your steam rollers or traction engines or whatever you call it and you go crazy. I could have been killed on that Ferris wheel. Nobody asked you to sit on it. Besides, I could have been killed myself climbing up to rescue you. Well it's a pity you weren't. You make a nuisance of yourself wherever you go. Oh, well, I like that. You don't seem to realise that I had to walk nearly two miles after your stupid car ran out of gas before I could hire a car. I couldn't care less about that. Where's my car? I don't know where it is. It's in Long Melford or Long something. Thank you very much. 11 o'clock, fine. Fine. Right. Goodbye, Mr. Fisher. Tell Mr. Hopkins to come in to see me at once, will you? Well, it looks good, Harry. Fisher had his trip in the Polygon yesterday. He didn't say very much, he's a cagey customer, but I have a I have a feeling that he wasn't impressed. Ah, well done, Jack. I didn't know that you're a diplomat. What do you mean diplomat? Well, the way you handled the Fishers. I get my hands on that daughter of theirs, you'll see how I handle the Fishers. That was a masterstroke of yours, sending the old man those cigars. Cigars? And perfume for the ladies. They're tickled to bits. What is all this? That plus my invitation to Ascot will just about sew the whole thing up. Ascot? Well, Upshott's not the only one who can pull the social strings. We're picking up the Fishers at 11 o'clock tomorrow. - We? - Yes, we. Morning coat, grey topper, the lot. Over my dead body. How very clever of you to know my favourite perfume, Mr. Hopkins. Thank you so much. Not at all. Mine, too. What's all this about perfume and cigars? Well I thought it was something you would like to have done if you weren't the person you are. You mean you had a guilty conscience about leaving my car stranded? No, not at all. Will the Queen be there? Yes, she'll be there. She'll be driving in State down the Golden Mile in about an hour's time. - Will we see her? - Certainly, from the comfort of our own box, Mrs. Fisher. Oh, I can hardly wait, Paul. Looks like you're going to have to, dear. What's the hold up, Jack? I say, I do believe it's the Princess Caroline. Oh no. Do you know her? Oh, you bet he does. He's probably had to strip her down before now. What's up, now? Broken down again? I'll go see if I can give them a hand. Oh, hello Mr. Hopkins. Hello, Mr. Ludge, what's the trouble? Thumped if I can get her into gear. I expect the pinions seized down the spline. Oh no. - Uh oh. - What's the matter, Kathy? I'll be right back. Jack Hopkins, you come down from there. It's all right, we'll have it going in no time. It's the spline, all right, Mr. Ludge. Thump me, Mr. Hopkins. I'm always having trouble with that thumping thing. Sir Giles, I think you're needed. An accident? Mm, you could call it that. Was she nice? - Can I be of help? - By staying out of it. Come down off that thing at once, you blithering idiot. Oh, thump me. Mr. Hopkins, there's a thumping toff down here chucking his thumping weight about. I'm sorry, sir, it took a bit longer than we thought. Hurry up and get back in the car. Mind out, sir. We'll just back her out of the way. All right, driver, carry on. Look at my coat. Oh, I'm most terribly sorry. No, don't, you'll make it worse. Well it's you, Sir Giles, there's tar all over your feet. And you too, Kathy. Tar? Driver, pull over to the side of the road. I'll be right with you. Oh no, Mother look here. That's just rare. What a mess. What next? Hello, Thompson, having a bit of trouble? Yes, we are. - Mr. And Mrs. Fisher. - Lord Upshott. Can we be of any assistance to you? If you're going to Ascot, yes. - Yes, of course, jump in. - Thank you. - Hello, Humphrey. - Mr. Fisher, I'm really most frightfully sorry about this. I am too, Sir Giles, very sorry. Excuse us. Well sir, that takes care of that. It certainly does. I'll see you back in the office, Hopkins. What's all that about? Cor, what a thumping lark. You know something, Mr. Ludge? I think you're thumping well right. I don't care if you are the finest designer in the country, you've lost us the Fisher contract. And if you don't give up this puerile pursuit of traction engines, you can look for another job. - Is that all? - Yes. Thank you very much. Where are you going? Home to my traction engine. Then you're fired. No I'm not, I resign. I accept your resignation. Very kind of you. You're welcome. - Goodbye. - Good riddance. Why not call it The Golden Eagle? Why don't you go and lay an egg? Cor, I wish the Admiral could see her now, sir. He'd strike his colours without firing a shot. Yes, but he's got one big advantage, remember. He's only going to take the Dreadnought a short distance to Woburn Abbey. We've got to drive The Iron Maiden miles across England. Got one disadvantage too, sir, the Vicar. Come on, hop up. I'm gonna take her out on the road. Morning. Say, you're quite cheerful for a man who's just been fired from his job. I wasn't fired, I resigned. I'll take it. I give up. I don't understand you. There any reason why you should? No. But somehow, I feel responsible for your position. Well, you're not. I mean my father. Look, if I were to ask daddy to say a few words to Sir Giles, he'd take you back in a minute. No, please please don't bother. I'm quite convinced that every airline in the country will be clamouring for my services the moment they know that I'm free. You are without a doubt the most conceited, insufferable, pigheaded, adolescent idiot I have ever met. Mm hm. Well, you're perfectly entitled to your own opinion, of course. Fred! Fred, come on, Fred! What the devil's he up to? You can't leave that thing there. Why not? Because you're blocking the roadway. Yeah, so I am. Will you please get that thing out of my way? Yes, I know dear. Come on, Fred, what's the matter? It's the missus. But I told you, dear. Yes, the rally's always been on. I told you about it ages ago, dear. She don't want me to go. - Why not? But I can't let Mr. Hopkins down now, dear. If you don't move it, I will. Well can't we talk about it tonight? I'm keeping Mr. Hopkins waiting. What? Goodbye, Nellie dear. Jump, Kathy, jump! Jump, Kathy. I can't jump. Jump! You stupid little idiot. You might have wrecked The Iron Maiden. Iron Maiden, what about me? You might have blown it up. Oh, I wish I had. You what? I said I wish I had, and that goes for you and I wish, I just hope I never set eyes on you or your traction engine ever again. That suits me fine! I know you'll love the Henley Regatta. Oh, I know I will Humphrey. Did you ever row, Mr. Fisher? Only in the park. Thanks. Of course, the Duke of Bedford might easy ask us down to his place for the weekend if we play our cards right. Do you mean spend the weekend at Woburn Abbey? Would you like that, Mrs. Fisher? I'd love it. Wouldn't you, Paul? Oh, I can hardly wait. Kathy! My goodness, excuse me. Honeybun, what's the matter? - I say. - Think nothing of it. Well, as I was saying, it's more a question of. Yes, of course, Henley is the event of summer. It would be a crime to miss it. Everybody will be there and perhaps we shall get our pictures in the glossy magazine. Right? - More or less, yes. Well you can rest assured Mrs. Fisher will be there. - Paul? - What is it? That man struck Kathy. - Which man? - That terrible Mr. Hopkins. Jack Hopkins struck a woman? Yes, he did. - Where did he strike her? - On the bot. We won't go into it now. Pardon me. I'm going to have a talk with our daughter. Humphrey, I'm terribly sorry, but you'd better leave. Yes, yes, of course, I understand. Rather blotted his copy-book, eh, our Mr. Hopkins? Well, I'm certainly glad he doesn't work for you. So am I. Well, what do you think? Looks all right. Do you think the roof will hold out? Yeah, should do. It's the safety valve I'm worried about, keeps jamming. Oh, don't you worry. Just keep your eye on the pressure gauge, if it gets a bit naughty, I'll give the valve a clout with me hammer. Better give it one right now. May as well stay up there, it's time we were moving off. Stop off at my place and I'll nip in and get the grub. I don't think you'll be very popular with your missus. Oh, I haven't been popular with her for 10 years. She'll never believe me when I tell her I spent the night with The Iron Maiden. Hurry up, Fred. - Hello, Dad. - Hello, son. Mom's after you. Yeah, I know. Mr. Hopkins, I want to have a word with you. We have nothing whatever to discuss. Oh, yes we have. I have resigned from the Giles-Thompson Aircraft Company. This is not business, it's personal. Well it'll have to wait. I have a very important engagement and I'm late already. Well, that's just too bad. You're not going anyplace until I get an explanation about your behaviour toward my daughter. Your daughter is your responsibility, not mine. and you can think yourself very lucky I'm not suing you for damages. Suing me? You're lucky I'm not suing you for attacking my daughter. If you had given that spoiled brat a good hiding years ago, you'd have saved me the trouble. I don't want to hear any more of your rotten excuses. - But Nellie. - I'm fed up with you and your traction engine. - Nell. - Take these and get out. For heavens' sake, Nellie, give it a rest. well, I must hop it. Come on, give us a kiss. - I'll give you kiss. Go on, get out before I belt you one. Oh, my leg, crikey. - What is it, Fred? - Oh, Fred. - It's me leg. - What's happened? Oh, my poor darling. Here, come on, bring him inside. Put your arm around my neck. This way, sir. Here, put him down over here. That's the end of the rally for you, Fred, my lad. Oh, I'm sorry, guv. Don't worry, I'll get there. What, on your own? What about that safety valve? Well, if she blows up, I'll send you a postcard. Sorry to leave you like this, Fred, but if I don't get going I'll never get there. Good luck, sir. Oh, and sink the Admiral for me. Even if I have to ram him. look after him, Mrs. Fred. Oh, don't worry sir, I'll go and fetch the doctor in a few minutes. Well, I must say it's nice to have you home for a bit. Eh? Do you mind moving your car? I'll move when I'm good and ready. We haven't had our talk yet. No time. Oh, not again. No, not again. Excuse me, sir, but are you the owner of this vehicle? Yes, I am. But officer, I'm an American citizen. I can't help that, sir. I can't show no favouritism to foreigners. I've gotta put in my report, and this is getting to be a bit out of habit. Well now, wait a minute, officer. Well, sir. I dunno. - Oh, come on Albert, be a sport. Now look, I'm in a tearing hurry, I'll sort out everything with you when I get back in a few days' time, okay? I don't know, sir, it's getting to be a bit of a habit. You're a good lad, Albert. Now wait a minute, you. How about my car here, it's in a ditch? Albert will take care of that. So how about me, I gotta get back to London? Well jump up, I'll give you a lift to the station. Oh, you don't expect me to ride in that thing, do you? Take it or leave it. It's either that or walk. Hold it, I'll be right with you. Oh, I dunno. Here. What am I supposed to do with that? Hit that. Why? 'Cause if you don't, we'll very likely blow up. Hey, that's dangerous, can't you make this thing work properly? It worked perfectly before your daughter took it for a little joyride. - Piece of pie? - Thanks. That's hot. If my wife saw me eating this, she'd have a stroke. There's something in this game, after all. Pressure's dropping. Let me do that. You don't know how. Now listen, I was stoking boilers when you were running around in short pants. This is different. Same principle. That fire needs levelin'. What station do you want? Station? You said you wanted to be dropped somewhere. No, I'm stickin'. Full head of steam. Need to take on water soon. That long climb used up plenty. There's a stream up ahead there. Put this in the water, would you please? Right. Okay, switch on your pump. There's no pump, it works by vacuum. Wouldn't surprise me if thanks to your dear little girl, it won't lift the water. Oh, that kid again, I could spank her myself. Honestly, Kathy, every time I think of what that crazy man did to you, I just cannot stop shaking. Whoo. Now, it wouldn't surprise me at all if he weren't a sex maniac. He is just the type. Oh come on, Mother, what do you know about sex maniacs? Stop that. You know, your father should be home by now. I told him to talk to Mr. Hopkins, not to live with him. Hello? Oh yes, Daddy, she's here, just a minute. Thank you, honey. That you, Paul? What'd you say to him? Can't find him? Well, what do you mean you can't find him? Where are you? I'm at the Magpies Hotel in Manbury. But I won't be able to get back today. I've got to see Sir Giles about something. What? No, it's just something's cropped up about the plane. He wants to show me something. Yes, sure, I'll tell him all about Jack, uh Mr. Hopkins. You bet I will, I'll see that he gets what's coming to him. Well, what time can we expect you back tonight? You're not coming home tonight? Now listen, Paul Fisher, you have to come home tonight. We're going to the Henley Regatta tomorrow. If I can get back tonight, I will. But if I don't, you go to the regatta without me. I'll either get there or send you a message. Don't give me any of that message business, you get yourself right straight back here tonight. He's impossible. I'm sorry dear, I've got to go now. Goodbye. Well, that takes care of that. We're away. Now just a minute, I don't want to be responsible for... The pressure. There, you see, how would you manage without me? Beginning to wonder. It's settled, then? - Okay. - Well come on, let's hit the road. Oh, that'll be Humphrey. Now Kathy, there's a nice young man. At least he's not a sex maniac. Don't forget he'll be a lord one day. Well, I suppose you can't have everything. - Hello, it's me. - Do come in, Humphrey, we're all ready. - Oh, jolly good. My father's waiting downstairs. Hello, Kathy. Hello, Humphrey. Where's Mr. Fisher? Oh, he's joining us at Henley. He had to drive out of town to attend to some unfinished business. Well, won't he be with us? My father will be very disappointed. - Oh, he'll be there. - He better be. Doo dah La la la la sing this song All the doo dah day What was that? That's old Pongo Carruthers. He got a Cambridge Blue about 19 four, very lucky, bad stroke. Oh, poor thing, I didn't think he looked well. Oh, well thank you. Oh, I hope Paul isn't too late for luncheon. He has an ulcer, you know. I have to watch his diet so carefully. - Come on, Yale. - Come on! Come on, Yale. Boy, come on. Good, good! Isn't that exciting? We won. - Now, you'd like some champagne. - Oh, we'll celebrate. That was a wonderful race. - After you. - Oh, get in. Hello, Ian, dear boy. Hello, George. Fine finish, though, wasn't it? Absolutely splendid. - Hello, sir. - Hello, Humphrey. Oh, Ian, I want you to meet some American friends of mine from Pittsburgh. Mrs. Paul Fisher and her daughter Kathy. His Grace, the Duke of Bedford, The Vicar of Clopton. - How do you do? And Sir Digby Trevelyan. How do you do? The Duke of Bedford, I am so happy to meet you. How do you do, Mrs. Fisher? This is my daughter, Kathy. Well hello, Kathy, how are you? Oh, we've heard so much about you from Humphrey. And of course, I can't wait to get a good look at your seat. You mean Woburn Abbey? Of course. Well, Humphrey, you must bring your charming friends down for tea tomorrow. Woburn, did you say? Oh, how very kind of you, Duke. Would it be all right if I brought my husband? He'll be joining us any minute now. Be delighted. Look forward to seeing you. What a charming gentleman. Paul will be so thrilled, stately homes are one thing he just gets all steamed up about. Dad. My daughter. Who else? Good evening, Admiral. What's this for? You'll see. Well I don't. Jack Hopkins always takes this shortcut down here, doesn't he? Yes. - My property, isn't it? - Yes, but. Then he'd be trespassing, wouldn't he? Oh, not exactly trespassing, surely. I mean, not a friend. Friend? He's no friend of mine, he's an enemy. Oh come now, Admiral. Well he will be until this rally is over, and now until then I'm not having him taking shortcuts through my property and that's final. It's certainly not very charitable. Charitable? Oh, you silly faint-hearted nit. I say. Give me a hand. - I tell what, sir. - Oh, shut up! What are you trying to do? What are you going over there for? I'll show ya. Mind your new suit. Oh. That's the sailcloth, pull it over. I ought to be wearing my overalls. Pull it taut, taut, taut. Right, give me the shovel. Shovel, shovel, shovel. - Over there? Throw it! You awkward Vicar. Sorry. Well, there she is, Vicar. Everything shipshape and Bristol-fashion. All we can do now is watch and pray. And eat. Nothing like going into battle on a full stomach, eh? I've had my steward open up a bottle of vintage port, Coburn 1912. - Don't forget, I've got two services tomorrow. Oh, don't worry about that. We'll cast off immediately after Matins and be back in harbour in good time for Evensong. In that case. And God help The Iron Maiden. I sincerely hope he helps us, too. All right, this will do us fine. I damp the old girl down if you'll get out the tarpaulin. Sure, where is it? Oh, it's under the resort sack of coal on the back. How about a nightcap? Scotch. No thanks, my ulcer. I thought you'd forgotten about that. Well, maybe if I drowned it a bit. The only water here is in the boiler and that's hot. Well you can only die once. Hey, that's smooth, very smooth. Here, here, here. Don't forget the driver. Have a cigar? Oh thanks, I'll stick to my pipe. What's so funny? I was just thinking, I really enjoyed today. Good, so did I. You know, my wife wants Kathy to marry that idiot, Gore-Brown. Well, I'm sure he'll make her a wonderful husband. Well at least he won't beat the pants off her every time she steals his traction engine. Yes well, when I spanked her, it wasn't just because of The Iron Maiden, you know. She could have killed herself. I believe that, Jack. You're right. I'm glad you understand. Goodnight, Jack. Night, Paul. Morning. Morning. Come on, sir, breakfast. Breakfast? I couldn't eat breakfast to save my life. Don't mind if I do, I hope. Please, go ahead. Thank you. Wouldn't like a third helping, would you? Hm, no but I'd like some more tea. Let's have it onboard, shall we? Must get going, we're late. You pack up all this gear, I'll stoke up. Right. Everything stowed? All aboard. I certainly cannot understand what happened to your father. Bun? - No thank you. He hasn't even telephoned. For heaven's sakes, Mother, he's been away from home before. I called Sir Giles, he hasn't even seen him. He didn't have an appointment with him in the first place. Your father was lying to me. Well, he must have a very good reason. Hm, it'd be the first time. I called that Magpie Hotel in Manbury, they had never even heard of him. He'll be back, don't worry. Lord Upshott is taking us to Woburn Abbey this very afternoon. I wanted your father to meet some nice English gentlemen. Mm, he will. Maybe something's happened to him. Oh, he might be suffering. Go easy on that steam whistle. One more chorus like that we'll have to refuel. Oh, we're gonna have to do that pretty soon anyway. How are we doing on time? We're okay. I know a shortcut through the Admiral's grounds. Good weather, Vicar, good weather. You know, if we retain that cup, I'm going to splice the biggest main brace since the Battle of Trafalgar. Seems we've only got one person to worry about, our friend Hopkins. - Friend! - Now, Admiral, brotherly love. - Brotherly love. If that young whippersnapper takes his usual shortcut. What is it? Well, talk of the devil. Hopkins? Vicar, I believe the Lord has delivered the enemy into our hands. - Now Admiral, please. Oh hell's bells, Vicar, it's about time you realise that all's fair in love, war, and the Woburn Rally. Now get aboard. - Aye aye, sir. Hey, this is private. The shortcut I told you about. If we don't take it, we'll never make it in time. That ruddy old Admiral! I might have guessed it. You mean he did this on purpose? Well, what do you think? I think we're in a hole. We certainly are, in more ways than one. Get some coal, quick. There's none left. There's a spare sack on the back. - Oh no. - Where's that coal? I don't know how to tell you this, Jack. What? I left it back on the grass where we were this morning. You stupid, incompetent, blundering old idiot. - Now look... - How you ever became president of an international airline must be one of the biggest mysteries of all time. - Jack. - I hope you never buy my plane. You'll probably run out of fuel in the middle of the Atlantic. We're not getting out talking like this. How right you are. What do you suggest? You'll see. Admiral, I'm worried. Do think Hopkins can have fallen into your trap? What do you mean my trap? Our trap. You helped. Chicken. Chicken? Lucky for us the Admiral has a thing about trespassing. What happens when we do get pressure up? This thing won't fly, will she? I'll show you. I'll be right with you. There's another one of those crazy steam engines. you're gonna see a lot more of them before the day's out. Why? The National Traction Engine Championships, that's what we've come to see. Oh no. Right, ready to give her another go. Right. I'll keep the pressure up. Once you get her moving, keep her going. Well welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to one of the greatest, if not the greatest, Traction Engine Rally of the year. And what better setting than Woburn Park. What more historic, more in keeping with traditions. Everything okay, Mrs. Webb? Fine, thanks old boy. These splendid machines bridging the years from 1886 with the Fowler Single Cylinder Ploughing Machine to Burrel's two speed eight horsepower single cylinder. Some Garrett's engines, 1818 vintage, the Foden tractors, Marshall rollers. When are we gonna thumping well start? As soon as the Duke arrives, shouldn't be long now. I should thumping well hope. Thumping Dukes. All present and correct except two. Oh, good. Ah, there's The Dreadnought now. That just leaves The Iron Maiden, then. Afternoon, Admiral. Have you seen The Iron Maiden anywhere? The Iron Maiden? No, no. - Well, actually. - No. Isn't she here yet? I'm afraid we'll have to start without her. Damn bad luck. Poor old Hopkins. I suppose that means he'll be disqualified. I think we ought to be. and now we bid a hearty welcome to our host and president, His Grace, the Duke of Bedford, and his party as we are about to open Rally Day at Woburn park with a grand parade. It's a truly wonderful sight, isn't it ladies and gentlemen? Survey this great procession for yourselves as they form their ranks. Gleaming, polished, each one of them with its own individuality. Bearing their years with a modesty, a charm, but above all else, an unassailable sense of prestige. Slower, certainly, than their modern counterparts, cumbersome by the latest standards. How we doin'? Pressure's dropping. That's the last piece. We'll never make it. Yes, we will. Come on, we'll burn everything. Miriam gave me this, it ought to burn real good. She's holding her own. Just call me Gypsy Rose Fisher. Maybe it's nostalgia, but somehow this spectacle of British power, iron horsepower though it be, does stir the emotions. I hope you're enjoying seeing these fine machines as much as us. The traditions of the British Navy are represented here by that ironclad Dreadnought with the familiar figure of the Admiral at the helm. The Dreadnought steaming as mightily and as purposely as the ships. We should make it now. What did I tell ya? I was beginning to get a bit worried, though. Now perhaps you won't mind if I remind those of you unfamiliar with the accepted procedure that all competitors must take part in the grand parade if they're to be eligible to compete in the various events. And now, as they start to leave the arena, I find there's only one non-arrival, number 176, Jack Hopkins in The Iron Maiden. We in time? - Just. - Thanks. Go on, hurry up. Okay. I'll drive now, you steer. Right, I'm with you. Can you see what I see? Coal. Give me a sack. Wait a minute, hold everything ladies and gentlemen, I have good news for you. I've just heard that The Iron Maiden has made it. Yes, The Iron Maiden, driven by Jeff Hopkins, has checked in and is now entering the parade. That terrible man. Mm yes, isn't he? Well damn me, Vicar, it's The Iron Maiden. Go on, bless the saints. Kathy, that's your father. Grab it, will you, Jack? I'm bushed. Dated 1921. Pressure's pretty good. I don't know about your pressure, my pressure's in a pretty bad way. You all right? Sure, I'm all right. It's just that I think I've broke my back. Come on, Kathy, we may be just in time to save your father from making an international fool of himself. Excuse us, Duke, excuse us, Humphrey. It's just behind the refreshment tent. Mother, why is that every time you're pleased with Daddy, he's your husband and you want to disown him, he's my father? Now, there's The Iron Maiden coming up to complete the line. They're all under starters' orders for the most exciting event of the day. Hey you! You're a dirty double-crosser. Action stations, Vicar. Don't you worry about the Admiral. Best way to fix him is to beat him. Hey, look at that beautiful fire. Nothing's going to stop us now. That's what you think. Miriam, what are you doing here? I could ask you the same question, Paul Fisher. Where are your trousers? As if it isn't enough to make a public spectacle of your wife and your daughter. Oh, it's all that man's fault. Ever since we set foot in England, he's done nothing but make trouble for us. Hey Paul, the pressure, where's the hammer? Don't you dare attack me, Paul Fisher. Daddy? Paul, you all right? It's no good, you're gonna have to pack it up. Come on, Paul, off you get. - Sweet potato, what did he do to you? Here. - Are you all right? I'll withdraw from the race. Oh, not now, Jack. You can't. - I have to. Are you ready? Steady. Go! And they're off. And what a thundering start, too. What do I do? You just steer, I'll do the rest. Kathy, Kathy come down off of there. You'll ruin your dress. Kathy, don't go with that idiot. Kathy, don't go with that idiot. Paul, say something. Shut up. He's only just starting. I do think we can do better than that, I mean we're only going five knots. Hold your course, will ya? Tiny Tim's going very well, indeed, so's Dreadnought, for that matter. A 1914 model, don't forget. Oh, Mrs. Webb won't like this, Dreadnought's overtaking Tiny Tim. Way, way down the field is The Iron Maiden. She's going very well now that she's started, but she's a very long way back. - Which side do I go? - Left of the drum. Right of the next one, only not too close. If we knock one over, we get disqualified. Miriam, I haven't had this much fun in 20 years. Come on, Sydney, get a move on! All right, sweetheart, I'm doing my best. Look, Vicar, a woman at the helm. The Iron Maiden still plugging away. Now the Dreadnought's coming into a beautiful turn. Steady. The Admiral has begun the Westover end with a big leap, very much obliged. Come on, Jack, faster, faster! It did it! Yes, going very well indeed is The Iron Maiden. Look at the girl at the helm there, she's making a beautifully controlled turn. And for a novice, that's something really remarkable. There's the Dreadnought keeping going in magnificent fashion. Come on, Jack, faster, faster. Well done, darling, you're a natural. Did you see that, Miriam? Your daughter's a born traction engine driver. Now The Iron Maiden is most definitely cutting down the Admiral's lead. Coming into the final turn. The Dreadnought is now in the lead, but I think being rapidly overhauled by Jack Hopkins. It looks as though he's left it very late. Can he do it? He's really humming along now. Ladies and gentlemen, he's back in the game. He's using those huge wheels to bring him closer. - Come on! - You can do it! Oh, come on Kathy. You can do it, love, come on. Come on. Right alongside and she goes past the Nought. Don't stand there, Vicar, pray, pray! Coming up to the finishing line, it's The Iron Maiden. They won, they won! That was a special victory. I mean, what exactly happened there? Wow, the whistles. - We've won. - We did it! We did it! Winning a match for a very long time. I certainly shan't forget it. Whoo, whoo, Kathy! Here we are, honey. Oh, Humphrey, thank you. Wasn't that exciting? Yes, very. - Hello, Humphrey. - Hello, sir. There we are. Thank you very much. I wish I had better news for you. Better news? Well, it's just that I called Sir Giles-Thompson yesterday and decided to go with his plane. That's a pity I thought we could probably... I knew you'd understand. However, don't worry, I have a friend, Joe Feldman, coming into London next week. I'll get him in touch with you. He has two airlines and three daughters. Maybe you could do a package deal. That's very kind of you, sir. I'll go and tell my father. Mrs. Fisher. - Bye, honey. I never thought I'd say this, now I know how you can fall in love with a traction engine. Well you certainly found out the hard way. I must admit, she's quite a gal. Certainly is. All those things that you said on the foot plate, were they all meant for The Iron Maiden, or were some meant for me? Well, they were meant for both of you. Kathy, you're trembling. I'm so happy I could explode. What happened, Jack? Strain must have been too much for her. Poor old girl. Well, that's the end of the road for her. Oh no. Let's watch her take off. What a wonderful name, The Iron Maiden. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. |
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