1
Today is a good day...
because I've got plans.
Big plans.
BILL WILLIAMS 3-6-1959 5-31-2005
You know they say,
that if you spend your last dollar
on the last day of your life...
it's perfect.
I have no... loose ends,
no job, no family, no friends.
But don't get me wrong...
I had a good run, I really did.
I was in love once,
even married for awhile...
but that didn't work out...
and, uh... I don't know
I think we grew apart.
Although my ex-wife would probably say
it had something to do with me...
hookin' up with one
of my skanky co-stars.
Which technically...
I wasn't 'cause we
were rehearsing a love scene...
in my trailer.
See I used to be an actor.
And I was proud...
of it. I even did a big movie,
with Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Jamie Lee Curtis once.
But, that was like eleven years ago so.
You know I planned every detail
of today perfectly.
I even wrote a letter
to the paper. You know.
Enclosed my last 8X10 just...
in case they wanna use it.
I wonder if they'll show me...
at the dead people Oscar montage.
That would be sweet.
And I've also donated
all my organs to science.
And then I will be cremated
immediately because,
I don't want any medical
students makin' fun of my penis.
You know. I think of things like that.
You want my clothes?
No, not these clothes.
I got some nice ones inside.
Do you want 'em?
Yeah I guess so.
Have a seat.
You know what? I'm not gonna need
these where I'm goin', either.
I'll be right out.
Here ya go. Here's some nice bedding.
Here are some clothes...
and a very nice watch.
Oh, thank you very much.
Good luck to ya man.
Hey what the hell?
Did you drink my vodka?
Oh-oh, was that yours?
You took half my pills!
Give me back my pills!
Can't.
Why?
I ate 'em.
You crazy bastard. That'll kill ya.
Go make yourself throw up!
I think I'll just ride it out.
I... I like to party.
Idiot.
Hi.
Am I in hell?
Not anymore.
And do you know why?
Because I pulled a few strings...
did my magic and you, sir, have a job.
Who are you?
Who am I? Not a good question.
It's Johnny.
Johnny? Say it with me, Johnny.
Johnny.
Yeah, Bernstein. Your agent.
Hello.
Hi.
Well are you gonna
get yourself outta there?
Come on.
Get your big self outta there.
Here we go. Whoa-whoa!
You are a whale.
Whoa! There ya go.
Okay, you know I think
it is so brilliant,
that you have laid so low
for such a long time.
What day is it?
Uh, June 3rd.
It is the best day of your life.
Hello?
All right, put it back in.
This is not good for your career.
Gotta get goin', man.
New tenants moving in - now.
Keys?
Keys are, uh,
in a envelope on the desk.
Come on!
So I got a job? How?
Who cares how it happened?
All you have to worry about is
get some exercise, take a steam...
a meaningful shower...
and you meet me at my office on Friday,
and I will fill you in. We are back.
Isn't that wonderful?
Yeah, don't forget that shower.
Look at that chin line. Huh?
Wow. Okay.
You can't sit there, Bill.
Go!
You wanna hear somethin' weird?
"Bill Williams, former husband
of award-winning producer-writer,
Susan Mandeville,
committed suicide Friday, May 31st,
at his home in Van Nuys, California."
I didn't know you were married.
It was a long time ago.
I almost forgot myself.
Do you need anything?
Could you hold my calls for
a minute, I have to finish this script.
Yeah.
Jesus.
I hate kids.
Those are my clothes.
They was your clothes, dude.
You gave 'em to me.
Well give 'em back.
Okay.
And I need my shoes, too.
Oh, man.
You don't wear socks?
Don't worry. My feet are
the cleanest part of me.
I thought you were homeless.
Well technically...
speaking that is my home.
I'm gonna need to crash here
for a couple nights.
I'll sleep in the cab and you...
can sleep in the back.
Then I need a ride... over to...
Wilshire and Doheny.
What if you're a criminal.
You're the one
that stole my drugs and alcohol.
Well that...
doesn't mean you can steal mine.
All right. One night, but that's it.
I got a gun.
Two nights.
One.
Two.
One.
Two.
One.
Two.
One.
One.
Two.
Okay. Two nights.
See I wasn't laying low.
I tried to call you for two years
and you wouldn't call me back,
so I finally gave up.
You know, it was
a bitch to track you down.
I had to hire a PI. My own money.
You know how he found you?
Some prescription that you picked
up last Thursday at Drug Emporium.
You know, I-I never knew
that you were into the legal stuff.
I knew ya had a problem
and then you had no career.
No, no, no. See, I had no career
and then I had a problem.
Yeah, well, to tell ya the truth,
I didn't think you were gonna show up.
"Bill Williams, former husband
of award-winning producer,
Susan Mandeville,
committed suicide Friday, May 31st."
Those idiots.
Obituary editor, please.
Hello, this is Bill Williams
and I'm very pissed off.
First of all, there's no picture of me.
Yes, yeah-yeah...
I'm alive but listen...
- Bill.
- In my letter I specifically...
- Bill.
- Asked you not...
to mention my ex-wife in
the first paragraph.
- Yeah, h-hold on.
- See...
see if you can mention
your representation in the correction.
Okay, okay.
That's fine,
but next time I kill myself, get it right.
Someday you're gonna have to explain
this mishigaz to me, you know,
but not right now 'cause you got
a lotta work to do.
Does the name Davis Roman...
mean anything to you?
He's a billionaire.
Very rich. Very generous.
He has commissioned you,
you, Bill-to co-star
and write a motion picture.
You're kidding me.
I can't believe it either.
The man must be an idiot.
But he's a billionaire,
and he's got this son
who is a big fan-of yours!
This is his eighteenth birthday present.
First check. Half a million dollars,
I took out my ten percent, of course.
You get the other half
as soon as you finish filming.
Four hundred
and fifty thousand dollars?
What kind of movie do I right?
An action-comedy. All right.
You know, kind of like, um, uh,
True Lies. All right actually...
exactly like True Lies.
Is Arnold in it?
If they could get him,
you'd still be cocooning to
the oldies in your bathtub.
So who's gonna be my co-star?
This is brilliant.
Aaron Roman. His son.
So this eighteen
year old kid is gonna...
He's seventeen. He's gonna
be eighteen in a few months.
So he's gonna be
the ass-kicking action hero...
and I'm gonna be the dumb,
fat hyperactive sidekick.
Exactly.
I'm in.
Tomorrow we're gonna meet
at Davis Roman's office.
Here's his address.
Five o'clock sharp.
I'll be there. Okay.
I need to borrow forty bucks.
I just gave you
four hundred fifty thousand dollars.
Oh, I'll-I'll pay
you back soon as I cash this check.
Oh, I'm so sorry,
I've only got hundreds.
Denise?
Yes, Mr. Bernstein?
Bill Williams owes me
one hundred dollars. Write it down.
Got it.
Great news. I'm doin' a movie
and I need an assistant.
It pays five hundred dollars.
Are you interested?
Five hundred dollars a year?
Five hundred dollars a week.
A week?
Yes! Now your first job...
I need you to go to the drug store,
pick me up some toiletries.
I need deodorant,
tooth paste, tooth brush, floss...
shaving cream, legal...
hey pay-pay attention.
- This is an important test for you.
- Okay.
Stuff like waxed dental floss.
Waxed?
Yes.
Nice.
Yeah.
This could be my comeback.
Yeah mine too.
Who are you again?
I'm Bill Williams, actor.
Guy Prince, assistant to the stars.
No-no-no-no-no-no I'll drive.
Okay, the kid's seventeen right?
But maybe we age him a little
bit make him like twenty-two.
That way people don't get all freaked
out when he gets shot at and stuff.
Plus it makes
it more believable that me,
his best friend of twenty years,
is forty-five.
Oh wait a minute. Maybe I was
best friends with his dad.
His dad blew up and now
I'm best friends with the kid.
Maybe, uh,
I could be your best friend.
No. See that's not realistic.
This is your first movie
so you're gonna have a small part.
You can be like
a bartender or a doorman.
And the star cannot
be best friends with someone...
who's probably gonna
get cut out of the movie anyway.
I didn't mean in the movie.
I meant in real life.
You wanna be my best friend?
Yeah.
Don't you have any friends, Guy?
Just you.
That's sad.
Well not as sad as last
week when I had no friends at all.
Guy... you are my friend,
you are my best friend,
you are my only friend.
Oh, I love you, man. I love you.
All right listen... do me a favor.
I need you to lay off the booze until
we're done with the movie.
Say no more.
All right, thanks, my friend.
So I think we'll start
off in Omega Sector,
'cause that's where
the original started.
It's a really cool location, and...
Thought you
were gonna lay off the booze.
No, I just didn't want you
to say no more about it.
You haven't had
a job in awhile, have ya?
Not since Operation Desert Storm.
You're a veteran?
No I just haven't had a job since '91.
All right.
Hello?
Well hi, sweetheart.
Thanks for returning my call.
I wanted to ask
you about Bill Williams.
Isn't it fantastic?
I don't think so.
Well you're probably right,
I mean he didn't have
that many other options.
Oh, how did he do it?
Well quite frankly, I did it.
Thank you, thank you very much.
What-what the hell
are you talking about?
What the hell am I talking about?
I put the whole deal together.
What deal?
Are we talking about his movie deal?
No. Bill Williams died-right?
No, no, no, that was a major misprint.
Bill's alive?
Well, thanks to me he
is very much alive. Bill Williams,
I saw him in my office this morning.
And he's making a film?
Co-starring and writing.
Let me just say something
to you, Susan,
you add your name to this, we can
make your name just a little bit bigger.
We can make your money
just a little bit tastier.
If you get my drift, huh?
Now I'm gonna see him
tomorrow morning. Any messages?
Oh-oh no. N-no, thanks.
I love talking to you.
Thanks.
This man lives large.
What does he do for a living?
I don't know. Acquisitions.
Shipping. Mini malls. Fine wines.
Ask him if he needs an assistant.
No.
Who are you here to see?
Just tell Davis,
Johnny Bernstein is here with Billy.
Mr. Roman will be
with you in just a moment.
One sugar, a little milk.
Get me anything that's free.
Take notes during the meeting, okay?
Okay.
Do you got a pen?
You don't have a pen?
That's rule number one, Guy.
What's rule number two?
You don't have anything to write on?
What's in your backpack?
Oh my God. You don't have to carry
beer around with ya all the time!
Well what if they don't have any?
Boys... could we keep the
psycho-drama until after the meeting.
Hello.
Welcome, everyone.
Billy,
this is Davis Roman.
Nice to meet you, sir.
Uh, this is Guy, my, uh, assistant.
Nice... to meet you all.
This is Shelby. Please, sit down.
Hi.
Hello.
Shelby, nice to meet you.
You look just like
your father only, uh,
a lot younger
and a lot more beautiful.
Shelby's my wife.
I knew that.
You look great in sea foam green.
I'm Aaron's step mom.
His mom and sisters live
in Bloomington, Illinois.
Aaron goes to school there
and spends his summers with us.
And this summer he turns eighteen.
And I said to him, Son... Just name it.
And he said... Dad,
True Lies is my favorite movie...
and I wanna be in a movie...
just like that.
So... here we are.
And he is so excited. He's been
working with the trainer, bulking up,
and taking driving lessons and
shooting lessons and acting lessons.
Ah, that's great but
that stuff's not really necessary.
I never did any of it and look at me.
Here's a photo
of Aaron with his team.
Handsome devil.
He's graduating this year.
Aaron's an exceptional kid.
Everyone who meets
him says he changes their lives.
So, how's the script coming?
Forget about it. He's on fire.
Good. Good.
Aaron's so excited about this.
And you really should get to know him.
He's got a lot
of great ideas about the story.
I bet he does.
Well... looks like it's gonna be
a great summer for all of us.
Yeah, I'll drink to that.
Oh, boy, this place is like a museum.
This is a nice piano.
Well, Shelby's working
on becoming a concert...
I've always wanted
to learn to play the piano...
and never thought I could
until about a year ago when...
Aaron insisted
that I take some lessons.
Speaking of which,
here he comes now.
Aaron Roman, superstar.
Hi everybody.
Hi Bill Williams.
Hello, Aaron.
Aaron's seen True Lies...
eighty-eight times.
Ninety-one times, Dad.
Oh, that's right. He saw it...
three more times yesterday.
Thank you, Bill...
for making this movie.
You're welcome, my friend, any time.
Okay, guys.
I'm bein' punked, aren't I?
Where are the hidden cameras?
You did a great job.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Williams.
- Isn't he hysterical?
- Oh, my God.
He kills me. You kill me.
He kills me.
- Aaron, honey.
- Yes?
Don't you wanna have Bill
autograph your True Lies DVD?
Yeah. I'll be right back.
Please.
Please.
Yeah. You know what?
I'm outta here.
No you don't.
You promised that little boy
you were gonna sign his DVD.
Would get yourself
in that living room?
On the count of three.
- You tricked me.
- I gave it to you on a platter.
- You made me look stupid.
- You're gonna thank me.
You know what? I almost tried
to cash this phony check.
Guy, were you in on this?
I guess so.
Maybe my son wasn't
what you were expecting.
Why are you jumping to conclusions?
You really haven't gotten
to know him yet.
Honey... Bill Williams-always on.
Always funny.
However, this would be
a really good time to turn it right off.
You know what, you guys can
all quit acting now. This is my fault.
I'm the idiot.
I actually thought that I was
gonna be in a movie again.
Goodbye.
You're not going anywhere.
Stay. Good boy.
Goodbye, Johnny.
Here ya go, kid.
Thank you, Bill.
Hey, wait a minute.
What about our movie?
Sorry kid, but somebody played
a really cruel joke on us.
If it's joke, how come...
nobody's laughing?
Hello Bill. Glad to see you're
back from the great beyond.
Just Van Nuys.
Susan.
- Hi, good to see ya. Sure.
- Hi, thanks for coming.
Well... we've got our
work cut out for us.
Bill... I need a script. Three weeks.
Or less.
Okay.
She came on board
this morning. Surprised?
I'm stunned.
Well, I'm glad this all worked out.
So... Davis
was thinkin' that maybe the two...
of you could move
into our guest house...
so that you could be close to Aaron.
Oh, we couldn't do that.
I could.
Oh, I insist.
So do I.
Okay. Uh, we'll move in this weekend.
We could move in, uh...
now?
- Perfect.
- Perfect.
Does anybody have any scotch tape?
Gimme it.
Be very careful with that.
You may have noticed
Aaron has some special needs.
He weighed only
one pound when he was born and his,
doctor said he wouldn't live.
At best wouldn't walk or talk.
Well, he proved them all wrong.
He has cerebral palsy which is
a difficult condition to live with.
But his spirit and love
of life has carried us all through.
He's accomplished more
in his short life than I have in mine.
It's frustrating to me that the one
thing I wanna give my son is a cure.
But I can't.
He doesn't want that anyway.
His passion is to be an actor.
And I believe in him.
Do you think he can do it?
Yes. I believe in Aaron, too.
Thank you.
I do expect
his movie to be a good one.
How could it not be?
Good.
Hi!
Thanks for the beautiful sweat suit...
but I'm gonna run to
the store to get some real clothes.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. You stay...
- No?
Here and work on the script.
- Okay.
- We have people...
who can get you whatever you need.
Right.
I have to go to work, and so do you.
In fact, your assistant
has been up for three hours...
waiting by the pool.
Hey!
All right, I better get started.
Why didn't you wake me up?
Sorry, man. I got everything I need.
Thanks, Guy.
Anytime, Shelby.
Hey, Bill.
Hey.
Oh, my God!
Are you outta your mind?
Don't even look at her.
Davis'll cut your nuts off, man!
Don't worry, dude,
I never date married chicks.
But check out...
her friends, man, they're so hot.
I'm gonna fire you!
Let's get to work.
Let's talk about my movie.
Okay.
I wanna be called A-Dog because
that's what my friends call me.
A-Dog.
I wanna... parachute out
of an exploding jet.
Exploding jet.
Cruise around on a chopper.
Chopper.
And I wanna help homeless people.
Yeah, homeless.
And rescue animals.
Of course.
And I also want to beat up bad people.
Okay. Who are
the bad people you'd be beating up?
Drug dealers. Drugs are bad.
Drugs are bad, right Guy?
Guy-Guy... Guy!
Why did you hit Guy?
Because I was rehearsing a scene.
Would you like to rehearse a scene?
Go ahead, hit guy,
he used to be a soldier.
Like this?
No, no, no, no. Like that!
Like that!
No. More like that!
- Like that?
- No like that!
Like that?
Like that!
- Like that?
- No like that!
Like that?
Like that!
Like this?
Acting is fun, isn't it A-Dog?
Yes... acting is fun.
But I gotta go pee now. Bye-bye.
Bye A-Dog!
Bye!
Yeah hah-hah!
Man, that kid's got range.
Because of Aaron's age
and physical limitations,
we can only use him six hours a day.
Bunny.
I want you to stay close to him.
Make sure he does
not exhaust himself or get hurt.
Now Bill, who also
has numerous physical limitations,
will just have to do his own stunts.
Why are we doin' this project?
Because it's a challenge.
We've never done
an action adventure.
We don't even have a script yet.
Is it because you and Bill used to...
Bunny. Because it's a challenge.
And I like the kid.
What about a director?
Laura, would you check and see,
if Penelope Spheeris
is available for this?
I think she'd be great and I heard
we can get her for cheap.
Okay, this is brilliant.
This kid is like in a home
and I'm like his brother...
but I don't really know him,
so I go get him out and we go
on this cross country trip.
And we're savin' animals
and helpin' the homeless,
but he's a savant.
He's like a genius with numbers
and everything and...
Stop it.
So... we go to Vegas...
and he's countin' cards
and we win a lotta money...
and then we buy these matching suits
and we're on this escalator.
And he wants to drive...
and he's an excellent driver.
Wait a minute, that's Rainman.
You know what? This would go
a lot faster if you could type.
You think?
Yes. I know.
We need a secretary.
You are my secretary.
Hey, I thought I was your assistant.
You are my assistant.
You are my secretary.
You're my writer's assistant.
You are my driver.
You're my bodyguard.
You're everything. You get it?
Well dude,
that's a lotta responsibility.
I need a raise.
Hey guys,
wanna have some fun today?
Hell yeah!
You know what, son, we'd love to.
But guy and I have
a lot of work to do so...
we're gonna have to take a rain check.
Maybe we'll do somethin' later. Sorry.
Let's go for a ride.
I'll drive.
No I'll drive!
Okay.
Put your seatbelt on.
I don't need a seatbelt.
Put your seatbelt on.
I don't need it. You shut up.
I don't need a seatbelt.
We're on a golf cart.
Gate's not open.
Where's the seatbelt?
This is a great day for it, man.
You're lucky.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey... Hi...
Hi...
You're like the mayor
of this neighborhood man.
Yep, I know.
Yeah?
Which one do you like better
the blonde or brunette?
Uh, the blonde and the brunette.
Who are those jerks?
Lester and his friend.
He's trying to be funny.
Doesn't matter.
Hey Lester! Want some gum?
Go! Go!
Yeah! Yeah. We got 'em good, huh,
Bill? Yeah baby! Yeah!
Look out! Whoa!
Have you thought about
who you wanted in your movie?
Shaquille O'Neal, the basketball player.
Shaq? You want Shaq in your movie?
Yeah.
I imagine Shaq's pretty busy.
Is there anybody else?
Let's ask him.
Shaq, will you please be in my movie?
Why sure, A-Dog.
I have to go take my meds now.
Call me later.
Be careful.
Bill?
Not now, Guy, I'm writing.
Writing movies is fun.
Whoops, uh, I think I'm gonna
get another drink. Do ya want one?
Come in.
Hi. You wanted to see me?
I want to kiss a girl.
Okay.
I'll go down the street and talk...
to one of those cute ones
and see if I can work somethin' out.
No.
In the movie I want a girlfriend.
That's much easier.
Have you ever, uh,
have you ever had a girlfriend?
No. Not a real one.
Well those are the hardest kind.
Believe it or not I haven't had
a real girlfriend in many years,
and my life's
a lot better because of it.
I want my girlfriend to kiss me
in-in the hot tub like on MTV.
Okay. Hot tub. MTV.
You got anyone in mind?
Arielle Kebbel.
Whoa, see you've put
a lot of thought into this.
But what if we
can't get Arielle Kebbel.
Is there anyone else?
No one else. Maybe my dad can help.
I'll call him at work.
Oh no-no! Don't, don't, don't,
don't bother your dad.
No, no, no, never,
never, never bother him.
He's busy and, uh... scary...
I want her. My friends
at school will be so jealous.
I'll be jealous.
You can have a girlfriend, too.
Oh yeah? You got anybody in mind?
Yeah. Rosie O'Donnell. She's cool.
Yeah, yeah,
Rosie O'Donnell is cool.
But, uh, uh,
so is Gwyneth Paltrow, or J Lo,
or, or Jennifer Anniston...
or anybody here
in Maxim magazine'd be really cool.
How come you get all the hot babes?
Because it's my movie.
You're learnin' fast, my friend.
But I never do hot tub scenes.
The hot tub scene
is just for me and my girl.
Who's... that foxy lady over there?
That's my mom. She's a nurse.
I'd love to meet her.
Oh, you will. At my birthday party.
My mom used
to be married to my dad.
Did Susan used to be your wife?
Right. A long time ago.
Who would you rather kiss
Susan or Rosie O'Donnell?
Oh that's easy.
I mean Susan's okay,
but Rosie O'Donnell is so hot!
If I ever got my hands on
that nice butt of hers...
I mean watch out!
Oh... boy.
So, you're on
the basketball team, huh?
I wanna play but they made me
the equipment manager.
Why?
Because I have cerebral palsy.
Well that's not fair.
I know it's not,
but life is not fair, Bill.
Plus, it's not about getting
everything you want in life.
So, they made me
the equipment manager.
Well that's good 'cause,
you know, they couldn't even play
the games without equipment so,
technically you're the most
important person on the team.
Nice try, Bill.
I thought so.
Hide.
What?
Hide!
Hide?
Hide!
Hi, honey. I miss you.
I... miss you too, Mom.
What's going on with your movie?
It's fun.
Hey... you never sent me that script.
We just got it done.
I can't wait to read it.
There's no bad language is there?
No way, Mom.
How's that guy... Bill?
He's nice.
He better be. But be careful.
I don't trust those Hollywood types.
I will, Mom.
Hi Aaron!
We'll be out soon!
Hi Marla! Hi Melissa!
We're makin' a great movie.
Bye.
Thanks for stickin' up for me, man.
That's okay.
I've had to do that a lot lately.
The story takes place in New York,
Washington D.C.,
Moscow, Beijing... then Beverly Hills.
So we'll probably shoot most of
it on a sound stage in Vancouver.
We are on an incredibly
accelerated schedule.
We have to have Aaron's movie...
finished, edited, in the can
and on the screen by August 31st.
August 31st of next year.
No, that would
be August 31st this year.
That's three months away.
Well, we're just gonna have
to do our best.
How wide of
a release are we goin' for?
Very limited.
So we'll open on how many screens?
Just one.
The one at Aaron Roman's
eighteenth birthday party.
I don't get it.
How could you not get it?
I told you. We're making
this movie for the kid.
Just for the kid.
Just for the kid, Bunny.
And the money.
I see this thing openin' in like
thirty-five hundred theaters.
With Susan producing...
you know it's gonna be huge.
So I have written some emotional
stuff for myself,
to show my acting chops.
Right on.
And I've written some for Aaron, too.
Aaron, can you cry?
Sometimes.
When someone is mean to me.
Like those neighborhood kids.
Yeah. One of them called me retarded.
One of them called me retarded.
It's not very nice and it's not true.
What's his name again?
Lester.
His name is Lester
and he's makin' fun of you?
Yeah.
That's funny.
You know what we're gonna do?
I'm gonna write a character in
the movie named Lester Loser...
and we're gonna
kick Lester Loser's big fat butt.
Yeah! We'll kick
Lester Loser's big fat butt!
Yeah!
I'll get it. I'll pick that up later.
Now boys,
I've got some bad news for ya.
The, uh, owner of the Shitzu
you wanted is demanding ten grand...
so I went to the pound
and got this one instead. He's a Maltese.
But we'll still say it's a Shitzu.
Nobody'll ever notice the difference,
plus Shitzu is a lot funnier word.
Get it - shit-zu?
And secondly and sadly,
because of scheduling conflicts neither
of your chosen love interests
Rosie O'Donnell
or Arielle Kebbel-are available.
Darn.
Don't worry though.
We've got lots of other beautiful
actresses coming in tomorrow.
Now Susan, this is the casting session
for my girlfriend, am I right?
No, Bill. Yours are coming in later.
These are for Aaron.
Please, Susan.
All these young ladies
are here for you, Bill.
Please, Susan.
You're our girl.
Oh my back!
Aaron there is one more
actress for you to look at...
but I don't know
if you're gonna like her.
Hi, Aaron.
I'm Arielle. Nice to finally meet you
This is a pencil. Use it.
What is your name?
Arielle.
Arielle. Hello. Who represents you?
Oh, my mom.
Bad career move. You need to be
represented by a man outside the family.
Here. Johnny Bernstein.
Just ask Billy.
That's right, Arielle,
I'd be nowhere without Johnny.
Didn't I tell you
you were gonna thank me?
Let me say two words to you.
Cameron Diaz.
You represent her?
No. But I'm hooking
my wagon up to your star.
What?
All right everyone.
Starting tomorrow at six a.m...
your butts are mine.
And for the next thirty days -
24-7-I own all of you.
We have an intense schedule.
I need you to work hard and work fast.
And now, the reason
that we are all here.
The man of the hour.
The star of Two Spies A-Dog!
Ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for being a part of my movie.
When my dad said I can make this movie,
I didn't believe it
and it's really happening.
It's so... unreal.
I'm going to do everything
I can to make this the best movie ever!
If you see me acting
and you ant me to do it better,
just tell me.
After all I'm no Tom Cruise.
I helped him write this part.
All right, now let's kick
some major ass!
Let's get this party started.
Sorry.
Watch it.
Good job.
Hey Susan, this is really nice
what you're doin' for Aaron.
It's nice what you're doing
for him, too.
Well I'm gettin' paid.
We're all getting paid.
I'm trying to enjoy all this
this time around, you know.
I'm even lookin' forward
to the press junket.
That's the best thing about this one.
No press junket.
Really?
So we're gonna do the talk shows
and a big angle down campaign?
You're kidding, right?
Well how do we sell it?
It's sold, Bill.
To who?
We're just making this movie
for Aaron and his family.
They just wanted something
to see at the birthday party.
Only the people
that come to his birthday party
are gonna see my movie?
Our-uh-movie, his movie? That's it?
That's it.
His dad is spendin' all this money
and we're gonna put everything
we got into somethin'
that nobody's ever gonna see?
Aaron'll see it.
Probably hundreds of times.
That's... that's something.
Yeah. That's somethin'.
I would never make a movie like this
if I thought it was
for public consumption.
'Course not.
I don't know what I was thinkin'.
I'm sorry you had to hear this from me.
Well it's not your fault.
It's my agent's fault.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm just a little disappointed.
But that's good.
'Cause it reminds me of how I used
to feel when I was in show business.
Well let's just try
to have some fun, huh?
Yeah. Fun.
I'm feelin' it.
Oh ho, relax. Ancient history.
I only stopped hating him
because he was dead.
This is all so romantic.
Get out. You... need a boyfriend.
What about Guy?
Hey Bill!
Yeah.
Those things'll kill ya.
I hope so.
You seem kinda down, what's goin' on?
Oh, I'm fine.
You know, the kid's great.
Susan is... Susan. She still hates me.
If she hated you
she wouldn't be producing this movie.
I think she's doin'
it just to torture me.
I think you're torturing yourself, Bill.
People do that. They...
they forget about everything they have
and focus on what they don't have.
You know what,
let me show you something.
Whenever I'm feeling sorry
for myself I watch this
and it snaps me right out of it.
I love you, and my mom
and my mom and my dad.
Yea! Yeah!
Yea! Yeah!
All right. All better.
That kid was born to be an actor.
No doubt about it.
Okay. Here goes nothin'.
Settle down.
Quiet now.
Everybody read? Quiet!
Two Spies, Apple 60, Take 1.
Mark!
Action.
Gentlemen.
This is the most important and complex
assignment I've ever given to anyone.
The fate of the free world
is on the line here.
Not to mention my personal happiness.
That's why I've called on you...
A-Dog, because you're
the best America's got.
Thank you, sir.
This is my granddaughter,
and that is here Shitzu - Chloe.
Chloe went missing a week ago.
We'll find her, sir.
I know ya will, numbnuts.
There's also some Intel
in there about some
foreign operatives who positioned
a dirty bomb or something...
and, what else was it?
Oh yeah, there's some bad guys have,
unleashed a, uh, drug war...
But, uh, I think the missing Shitzu
should be our most important mission!
Absolutely, sir.
But I trust you... A-Dog.
You..you screw this up
and you're gonna end up
living in a camper down by the river.
I already do, sir.
My private jet
will take you to the Jersey border.
From there you're on your own.
God speed!
I don't understand why they couldn't...
just drop us off at the airport
like normal people.
Because we're spies!
Let's land on this hotel.
Can't we land on the nice soft grass?
No, this is where we're staying.
Are you sure it's our hotel?
Yes.
You're just trying to hook up
with that hot blonde waitress.
Yeah, she's really cute.
You look great in that suit.
You do thirty-five hundred sit-ups
and fifteen hundred
push-ups a day, it really pays off.
Get ready A-Dog. I see him.
Miss! Miss.
Can I get my cobb salad to go?
Not a problem, stud. I mean, sir.
You got it right the first time,
sweetcakes
I appreciate all your help.
Can I call you sometime?
I was hoping you would ask.
Midnight.
Here's my card. Give me a call.
Okay. They're makin' the handoff.
Let's go!
One's goin' north. One's goin' south.
I don't know which one has the drugs!
Keep your weekend open.
Only if we can make out
in a hot tub like on MTV.
I'm rich! And I can see!
Thanks A-Dog!
Oh there's the dog. Oh.
Oh, if I could have the dog
you can keep the drugs!
Hey! Kid!
I lost him, A-Dog.
Hey! Where are you goin'?
I'm sorry honey.
You can't give me a ticket.
I'm a spy.
Take one step closer
and you'll be in handcuffs.
If I take two will you
slap me around a little?
Yo! Officer!
All right! The drugs. Thanks, A-Dog.
Sure.
What time is it?
I said what time is it?
Tell me what time it is.
You didn't see that?
No. It's your job to tell me what time.
- It was right in front of your eyes.
- You're my assistant!
Just tell me what time it is.
It's part of your job.
Ask me again.
What time is it?
- I saw ya look. I saw ya look.
- It's broken.
Oh yeah, it's been two days like that.
Why are you wearin' it?
It's cool.
Oh, those girls are perfect.
Too perfect. Perfect is bad
I like somebody with
some obvious flaws, you know, like
a big scar or a limp or somethin'.
It's less pressure.
My ex-girlfriend was perfect.
Yeah, except
she was missin' a coupla choppers.
Three fingers from when she tried
to unclog the lawnmower
and forgot to turn it off.
She was a drooler after
the methamphetamine, uh,
stroke, but, uh, other than that,
she was perfect.
She used to be a man, though.
All right, all right.
Hey kid!
Who's your perfect woman?
She'd be nice like my mom,
fun like Shelby, smart like Susan,
and beautiful like Arielle.
But, for right now I'd settle
for anyone who really likes me.
You're a very wise man for your age.
All my friends have girlfriends.
I wouldn't worry. There are
three billion women in the world.
Let's say half of those
are too old or too young.
That's a billion and a half women.
Let's say two thirds
of those are married.
All right.
That's still five hundred million.
Let's say ninety percent
of those are insane.
That still leaves you with
women to choose from.
That's a lotta pressure.
Tell me about it. So relax.
Come on, killer.
Guys, guys...
Come in!
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Have you seen Guy, 'cause he's
supposed to keep this place spotless.
Guy asked me to tell you
that he'll be hangin' out in A-Dog's
He said it's much bigger
and a lot less messy.
Right.
Outtakes.
- Yeah.
- There are plenty of 'em.
Oh, great.
And A-Dog has some new ideas
to add to the script.
Okay.
Don't forget the hot tub scene.
Hot tub.
And he would like
to have two girlfriends.
And he also thought it would be funny
if someone shoved a stick
of dynamite up your butt and lit it.
Okay. I've been a good sport up 'til now
but I'm gonna have to draw the line.
He gets two girlfriends?
So the dynamite's okay?
Well, if somethin' blows up
in his butt first.
The kid's watchin' too many cartoons.
I don't like lookin' stupid.
Did you not make a movie
with Steven Segal?
That's true. Okay.
Listen, two girlfriends was my idea.
I think Aaron is falling
in love with Arielle...
and having more than one option...
might just keep him entertained enough
to get us through this movie.
Smart.
Hey. Maybe you could
talk to him about
the advantages
of having multiple partners.
Action!
Cut! The dog's not in this shot!
Action!
How I do.
The nappers got the dog.
Keep goin' down the alley.
The coast is clear, man.
Now where's that dog?
All right, that's a cut!
Props needs to come in
and measure your butt. Dynamite.
Great.
Hey Susan.
Are you sure it was Aaron's idea
to blow up my butt?
Honestly... no. It was Guy's.
But Aaron loved it. Everyone did.
Hey! Susan.
I got an idea that could make
this work for everybody.
Take three. Mark.
Sorry, honey,
but we don't speak Italian.
If you don't give us fifty million dollars
for the dog and a getaway helicopter,
we are gonna blow
Lester Loser's butt up.
No deal!
Look I've been doin' this twenty years
and I know when someone's bluffin'
and believe me, that chick is bluffin'.
Maybe not.
All right, you guys, that's a cut.
Done. It's a great job. Good job.
Bravo, Guy!
I can't believe you killed
off my character.
My fans will be so disappointed
Don't worry, Guy,
no fans'll be disappointed because
there are no fans to be disappointed.
The only people that are gonna
see this movie are Aaron and his family.
No, those are my fans.
Why are you so negative, Bill?
I think you're, uh, you're jealous.
You're right! I'm very jealous!
I wanted my butt to blow up.
Yeah and-a-a- and
I got some bad news for you.
I can't be your assistant anymore.
What's the bad news?
Aaron wants me to be his assistant
and he's doubled my pay.
I don't know how
I'm gonna make it without ya.
I know, I know, I know.
But the skills I've learned
under your tutelage
are gonna last me a lifetime.
Did you say tutelage?
Guy!
Yes.
Yes.
Um... we would like
to have former World
Heavyweight Champion wrestler
Goldberg to be in the movie.
We would.
Yes we would.
Do we realize we're on a schedule,
a very tight schedule.
We got no more time for any
of his crazy-assed ideas.
The answer's no.
Goldberg's out!
You want me to call your pop?
Yeah. Yeah, call his pop.
See if I care. I want you
to remember this moment, Guy.
Kids love it when you tell 'em no.
Makes 'em feel safe.
Aaron!
You guys disappoint me.
You really screwed the pooch this time.
With all due respect sir,
we haven't even found the dog yet.
I'm bringing in my secret
weapon - Goldberg.
Perhaps he can motivate you.
What are you laughin' at, jackass?
Well it's just that, uh...
It's just...
It's just sad watching you
sit here on your fat butt,
while that sweet little
innocent Shitzu...
is out there all alone and scared.
While I think of it it should be
you that's scared.
Well, Goldberg,
why should I be scared?
Maybe... Oh!
That's why...
I'm going to give you one last chance
to get that Shitzu back.
Got it. All right.
Let's go find that little bitch.
A-Dog, it's confirmed!
The dog nappers are holding
Chloe hostage - in the cockpit.
I've got back up. We're leading
straight to you in the hangar.
Lay low.
We're blowin' out the engine!
There's no way they're gonna crash
into the hangar! We got 'em!
Oh boy, Chloe, let's go home.
Here's your puppy, little girl.
All right, great! That's a cut!
Ah, boy, ei-yi-yi.
What's wrong, partner?
You okay?
Not really.
I knew this was gonna happen,
you've exhausted him
and besides my son does not
call women bitches in a hot tub.
No. No, it's not harmless.
I don't know
where you come up with this stuff.
You know I love the scene
where Shaq dressed up like a woman.
You tried to lick his ear!
That wasn't in the original script,
the kid made me do it!
I didn't wanna lick his ear!
- Trust me.
- Sure, sure, sure.
Right.
Yeah.
Honey? What's wrong?
Aaron's not feeling well.
I think all this excitement
has finally caught up with him.
He is allergic to dogs.
If I'd a known that
I never woulda put a dog in the-
No, no, no. The doctor's with him.
I've spoken to Susan.
She's canceling shooting for today.
Hold it on.
Thank you, Doc.
Thank You.
Hey buddy, how you feelin'?
Fine.
Great. Well listen, you lay low today
and we'll get right back
at it tomorrow, okay?
Wait. Would you stay here for awhile.
Sure.
Would you rub my head?
It hurts a little.
You are a little warm there, partner.
Sometimes my body aches.
Do do I look silly in my movie?
Because I don't want people
to make fun of me.
No, you look heroic.
People are gonna love you, man.
Now me on the other hand, uh...
Do you wanna make movies for a living?
Yes, I love acting.
I wanna be successful like my dad.
He works a lot.
I think I'll always bring my kids
along to work with me.
I bet you will.
Bil... I love Arielle.
Well,
I know sometimes when you're acting
with somebody it seems like-
I'm not acting.
I love her.
Would you ask Arielle if she loves me?
Well I'm sure
that she loves you Aaron, it's...
I think she has a boyfriend.
Is he good looking?
I'm sure he's good looking
but he's also in a boy band
so he's probably gay.
Listen, you gotta be patient.
Relationships are complicated.
Sometimes it's better to just be
friends with your beautiful co-stars.
That's easy for you to say, Bill.
You're not a virgin.
True. Let's watch the movie.
Yeah. It's the best part.
Do you like Jamie Lee Curtis?
- I love Jamie Lee Curtis. She's hot.
- Yeah she's... Yeah.
Yeah.
Up until now it was all going so well.
We were able to borrow footage
from the original True Lies...
to move our movie story along.
And because it's a private venture
it didn't cost us a cent.
So we've stolen it.
Borrowed. We made excellent use
of the green screens for background.
And I think the scenes
where we superimposed
Aaron's face
on Arnold Schwarzenegger's body
turned out really nicely.
Maybe even better than the original.
Worst case scenario could
we wrap this up without Aaron?
No. No, we have to have Aaron
for one more day.
That hot tub scene
is so important to the story.
And we've got Arielle.
I mean it pays off the whole movie.
I got you! You're dead!
I killed you first you dirty son of a...
Sorry.
Hi, Mom
Hi, mom.
Get in bed.
- I feel better.
- No...
I feel better, Mom.
The doctor said you needed to rest.
Come on, sweetie.
But I feel better,
Mom. No.
Hey I-I'm Bill
I feel a lot better.
- Bill's just trying to help.
- Nice to meet you.
Would you excuse yourself
- so I can speak to my son?
- Come on, Mom.
It's okay sweetie. It's okay.
Please...
No, don't worry about it.
It's just... The people back home
think that L.A. is a crazy place anyway.
Bonnie can be a little overprotective.
I don't think it's overprotective
to worry about my son's health.
That's not what I meant.
How's Aaron?
He's resting tonight.
Then I'm taking him back
to Illinois with me in the morning.
For how long?
For the rest of the summer.
His California vacation is over.
You can't do that.
Why, Davis?
Because you want
to spend time with him?
Or because he has to finish his movie?
Both.
Look, we'll have a birthday party
for him back there.
You know, I-I read the script.
I can't believe that you would risk
your son's safety like that.
You let him jump out of an airplane?
No.
No-no, no. We fake that.
It's called 'movie magic'.
Believe me, if it had been dangerous
we woulda had a midget do it.
My son is fragile.
A- and you know that
he was allergic to dogs.
Remember ten years ago? Sparky?
The emergency room?
He loves dogs. It was just one day.
Yeah and you had him
fighting with grown men?
The swearing?
The exposing him to loose women?
The hot tub scene was Aaron's idea.
We haven't even shot it yet.
And you won't.
I- I know why you did it.
You did it for the money.
But you... you're his father.
You're supposed to protect him.
Bonnie, calm down. You can't do this.
Yes I can.
Read the custody agreement.
She seemed pretty bent outta shape.
Who is she again?
Hey, listen, man,
I-I'm scared of my ex-wife, too.
Well. I'm not scared it's just that
well she might be right.
I- I... I don't think
we have much choice.
I guess this is it fellas.
I'll give Susan a call and let her know.
Okay.
We'll pack our stuff up
and hit the road.
Can I stay?
No, Guy, the show's over.
I'll get you the rest of your money.
Keep it.
No, I couldn't.
No. I already got more than I deserved.
Besides, there's more important
things in life than money.
I learned that from you guys.
Come on, Guy.
Well if I had a phone
I'd give you my number.
Thanks for everything.
Go away.
Well, uh, what do I do now?
Whatever you want.
No one's ever given me a check
for four hundred
forty-five thousand dollars before.
You earned it.
Yeah. I like to think so.
Does this include the eighteen dollars
you owe me for pizza?
I'm gonna miss you, Guy.
I'm gonna see ya around Bill, right?
Some day.
Susan Mandeville's next project...
is a huge action/adventure starring
Arielle Kebbel and Rosie O'Donnell.
My turn to drive?
Give me the page.
What you talkin' about?
It jumps from page 9 to page 11.
Where is page 10?
It's gotta be a typo.
Give me the damn page!
Okay.
And Aaron,
who's going to see this film?
Everyone.
My whole family, my friends,
and the basketball team from school
will fly out here
from Illinois to my party.
Why did you choose Bill Williams?
Because he's the funniest actor
ever except Adam Sandler.
And-and I love Bill Williams.
He's a good man, no matter
what everyone says about him.
I felt sorry for him.
Why?
Sometimes he's sad.
I think it's because
he doesn't have a family.
Are you having a good time
making this movie?
Man. This is the most fun
I've ever had in my whole life.
It's my dream come true.
I'm here to see your mom.
Mom!
If you give me five minutes of your
time and I'll be out of your life forever.
This is the most fun I've ever had
in my whole life.
It's my dream come true.
Girls, can you give us some privacy?
I need to talk to Bill.
Listen, Bill, I'm sorry about your movie.
It's not my movie, it's Aaron's movie.
I wanna show you something.
That's when he was one.
Tiny little bug.
That's still how I see my boy
so I protect him.
I understand, Bonnie,
you're a good mother.
But the thing youhave to understand
is next week Aaron goes back to school.
What happens when everyone
comes up to him and asks him
about the movie he was doing this summer?
'Cause you know Aaron.
He probably bragged a little
and invited people to the premier
and kids can be mean.
Listen, he's already helped the homeless,
he got drugs off the streets,
he saved the Shitzu.
All the crazy action stuff is over.
All that's left is one tiny,
harmless hot tub scene...
and the movie is complete
I know. I know to you it's a silly,
stupid scene.
But it's Aaron's dream.
And it's a silly, stupid dream
of every other seventeen year old
boy in America.
With what he's been through in life...
if his passion is to be an actor
and play the hero in a movie,
he should.
I love your son, too.
And I promise you he'll be safe.
No offense.
But this is a head with glasses.
Aaron's not a little boy anymore.
But he doesn't understand things.
Like what?
Like the difference
between fact and fiction.
But he does.
Please don't underestimate your son.
Did you know that
he's in love with Arielle?
Yes.
She'll break his heart.
Maybe. Probably
But that's part of growin' up.
It's part of life.
You and I know that.
Listen, you were right about me.
I took this job for the money.
But for some strange reason
I have to finish it for your son.
Bonnie, please?
But the script says
he's gonna be in the...
Forget the script. The script sucks.
I don't want my son swearing.
No, no swearing. No.
And he's too young for the...
No, he's a kid. Forget it.
You do allow him
in warm bubbly water, right?
Coach Dickerson!
Bring it in. Come on, bring it in.
Aren't you...?
I used to be. Didn't you used to be...
Still am.
Mom.
Why is Bill here?
Coach, can Aaron be excused
from practice for a few days?
Just a few. He's important to us, too.
Let's go mister.
You guys have a movie to finish.
Hell yes.
I mean-I mean heck yes.
I-I told you guys.
Let's roll.
It's just like you imagined, huh?
Are you ready
for your big scene partner?
Yeah... I guess.
What's wrong?
Would you get in the hot tub with us?
I'm a little nervous.
Don't be nervous. Okay?
But the kissing.
I've never kissed a girl.
You can do it. You're an actor.
It's like kissing your mom,
only longer.
Can you show me? Mom!
Can you show me?
Bill?
Hi.
It's okay, Bonnie, uh,
I'm sure you did a little acting
in grade school. Okay.
You kiss your mom like this.
Because it's your mom.
And you got a history.
You can take her
for granted a little bit.
You know what I mean?
But a girlfriend needs
constant reassurance.
So you carefully caress her face
and look into her eyes.
And you...
Yeah. Okay, let me show you
one more time. Okay?
Uh, mom.
Girlfriend.
Am I done?
Thanks, Mom, you did really good.
You did a great job.
Would you still please get
in the hot tub with us?
Please, Bill?
Help me up.
I don't like to take my shirt off in
frontof people because I'm a little fat
You can do it, Bill.
I'll help you.
It's easy Bill, you're an actor.
Oh boy.
All right.
All right! Whoo!
Okay, let's do it.
This is the very last scene in the movie
and I want this to be good, okay?
Okay, are we takin' it from where?
We're takin' it from the very top.
Okay.
Okay.
Gimme the phone.
Did she say action?
No! Hold on! Action!
To my partner.
The greatest spy that ever lived.
Mark.
Let's get the dialogue right this time.
All right, we're tryin' To my partner.
To... To my partner.
Quiet! Over there.
Yeah, what's up with you guys?
Well, once again you've saved the world.
To my partner.
The greatest spy that ever lived.
Hold on! We got a plane.
- Hey Penelope?
- What?
- Can Shaq delay his line a little bit?
- Quiet on the set.
Okay.
A-Dog.
A-Dog it's the president.
He would like to talk to you.
Really? You're not French.
That's a cut. Cut!
Quiet!
All right, you guys keep-keep going.
- Next time you keep on goin', all right?
- We got it.
- You just keep on going don't stop.
- We got it.
You're gettin' ready to talk
to the president
of the United States. Oh my God.
Listen...
Did you fart?
No, man. My butt wasn't...
Mark!
Are you ready to kiss her?
Yeah. When, now?
Yeah, you can kiss her.
Arielle, is it okay if he kisses you?
Yeah.
Bill's gonna talk you through it.
Like this.
Like I showed you with your mom.
Touch her face, look in her eyes.
Oh, yeah.
Did-did we get it once right?
Yeah.
I- I believe I got it.
That is a wrap!
Thank you for a great job...
Let's party! Whoo!
Susan.
Susan.
Hey.
Hey. Thank you for comin' back
and finishing the movie.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, God, it was fun.
Yeah, it was.
So what's next for you?
Oh big plans,
I'm gonna disappear for awhile.
Take a long, long trip, you know.
Oh, I wish I could do that some time.
Yeah. I'm lucky. I guess.
Maybe they'll get it right.
Aaron. Aaron. A-Dog!
Act like you're real paparazzi.
All right, all right, keep shootin'.
Aaron Roman. Aaron Roman.
Yeah, yeah.
Superstar. How does that feel?
Weird now. But I'll get used to it.
Arielle, how is Aaron as an actor?
He's the best.
Now, you guys play
boyfriend-girlfriend in the movie.
Anything goin' on off screen?
I love Aaron.
He's like a brother to me.
Darn.
Excuse me, h-uh, how are you
involved in the picture?
Actually I packaged the entire thing.
Who are you?
Aren't you Johnny Bernstein?
Are you an actress?
You look so familiar.
No.
A waitress at Morton's?
No.
Are you a stripper?
No. You used to be married to my mom.
Oh, you're gonna have
to be more specific than that.
Yvette?
Yvonne...
No, my mom's name is Yvette.
Are you sure?
I just don't remember why we broke up.
Because you kept hitting on my aunt.
I don't remember that.
And then my mom stabbed you?
I do remember that.
Ooh, she's a lotta laughs.
Listen Have your mother call me.
As a matter of fact
why don't you have your aunt call me.
Here's one for you.
Are you cute or what?
Ew.
Jeffrey!
Davis! Over here.
Shelby. For your next movie
will you adopt me?
How did. What is this?
Listen. It's eight o'clock now.
Pick me up at ten o'clock sharp right
here and take me back to the motel.
Suck in your stomach
I can't get you in my frame.
Shut up, kid, Jesus.
Hey Davis, Shelby,
Bonnie. Wow, you look incredible.
I mean you look incredible too,
Shelby and, Davis...
I hope you like this movie
I'm sure I will.
But who cares?
I've never seen my son so happy.
And that's what making
this movie was all about.
Thank you.
Now I would've sent a limo for you
but no one knew
where you were staying.
Oh, I-I'm at the Four Seasons,
but I like cabs,
'cause I like to conserve the fossil fuels.
You sound like you should be
running for governor.
Yeah right, I'm an actor.
Who'd vote for me?
And I wanna thank you.
For what?
Wearin' that dress for one thing but,
also for raisin' a great son.
Bonnie, family photo.
Come on, Mom.
Get in there.
I am hearing a buzz.
You come to my office next week,
we're gonna talk about your career.
I think you should represent Aaron.
Have him call me. Sure.
Bobby!
You guys are lookin' great.
What a beautiful family.
One more. Thank you very much.
Waiter! Get me another
apple-tini, proto.
And some waxed dental floss. Waxed.
Hey, Guy.
Hey, thanks for the money,
dude, but I-I probably don't need it
since I'm gonna be stayin' on here,
workin' with the family.
You know, event planning,
lawn maintenance, etc.
And I've quit drinking. In the day time.
Aaron asked me to.
I asked you to quit drinkin' fifty times.
Did you?
Yes.
Funny, I don't remember.
I musta been drunk.
Yeah.
I think, Bunny's got the hots for me.
What do ya think?
I think that you guys
have a lot in common.
Go get her, go get her, go get her.
Yes, best of party.
Hi.
How about you
and me startin' a bunny farm?
Thank you.
Hi, Mom.
I wanted to thank
everyone for being here.
Susan. Thank you
for making a great movie.
My director Penelope.
And my assistant, Guy.
You rock.
Arielle. I love you.
Am I forgetting anyone?
Oh, Chloe, the dog.
You did a great job.
I did this movie to show the world
I could do anything.
But mostly I made this for you.
Mom and Dad.
I hope you are proud of me.
I wanna make
a difference in this world.
I wanna show the world
we can all be heroes.
Go ahead and roll the film!
Gentlemen,
this is the most important
and complex assignment
I've ever given anyone.
That's why I called on you... A-Dog,
because you're
the best America's got.
Yeah, dispatcher,
I'm here at the theater
for my ten o'clock pickup.
Copy that, Gizmo.
There's no way they're gonna
crash into the hangar!
We got 'em!
Oh boy, Chloe... Let's go home.
Well, once again
you've saved the world.
To my partner, the greatest spy
that ever lived!
I couldn't have done it
without my ladies.
You're cool, A-Dog.
Mad love from me
and my sistas. A-Dog!
A-Dog
It's the President.
He would like to talk to you.
Well, Mr. President,
you think the economy's in trouble?
Well I'm in the middle
of a trouble sandwich.
Can you call me back
tomorrow in the p.m.?
A-Dog is in for a big night.
Peace out, man.
Bill, I bet you thought
I forgot about you.
Why are you out here?
This is for you. Thank you.
Well, it's your birthday.
I shoulda gotten you something.
How did you...?
I got connections.
Why?
You're family now. Right Mom
Yes. Because of your
kindness to my son
you will always be part
of our great, crazy family.
Whether you like it or not.
Right Dad?
That's right son.
You have no choice.
I love you, Bill.
Okay?
We all do.
See Bill.
You'll never be alone again.
You know, this movie
came out so good...
I'd like to finance a real one.
It's like you're in my mind reading it.
Get outta there!
All right. I have a great idea.
Tomorrow night, we meet
at Mr. Chow's, on you D.R.,
and we'll seal the deal.
Susan, maybe you should rewind it
to the hot tub scene.
I forgot my gift.
Save me a seat.
- I will.
- Okay.
Well you don't need this anymore.
Did you make all this happen?
It was Aaron.
We helped a little bit.
What, do think we'd let
anything happen to you?
We're partners, remember?
What is real?
Everything behind that curtain.
Hi guys!
Hi Aaron!
Hey, kiddo!
Hurry up, Bill,
or you'll miss the kiss.
You better go inside.
What about you?
I'll see you later.
Come on aren't you gonna say
I'll be back.
All right.
No-no. All right. No.
- No. It's old.
- Tired.
It's really old. And we're old.
I'm old. Come on.
Bill, sit-sit down.
That is me.