1
[music playing]
[cheering]
Where's the groom?
What's, your name, honey?
Cooper.
AnYbOdY 90'! a quarter?
Yes, somewhere.
I got some quarters
for ya right here.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait, I got more.
- Oh, I got more.
I got--
Yes.
Yes, please.
It's raining!
[cheering]
Explain to me Why
housekeeping isn't doing this?
Because they don't
come until morning.
And I'm not sleeping
in this mess.
It's like a junkyard
in June in here.
Damn, it's hotter than
a-- help me out here.
Satan's armpit.
Uh, aluminum sweater.
Pepper spray douche.
Take your pick.
Uh, yeah.
Any of those will work fine.
Thanks.
You're staying here tonight?
I thought you were
crashing at casa de Cooper.
Well let's see.
A tiny couch with your
family snoring nearby,
or a plush, king size bed?
Not a tough decision.
Besides, it's paid for.
And after planning this
unseeingly exhibition
of bare boobery, I
think I'm entitled.
I bet you are.
And thanks, by the way.
I had a good time.
So tomorrow?
Lewis, I'm really sorry
about the best man thing.
It's OK.
I mean, we've only been
buds since junior high,
and you've known this
guy, what, a week now?
OK.
OK.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
But Belinda asked if her
brother could be best man.
What was his name again?
Tweaky?
Twitchy?
Ted.
I noticed he
got really excited
about the pattern
in the bathroom,
until he realized it was talc.
Still, I think
half of it's gone.
I know, man, but--
And hey, the stripper's
studying to be a therapist.
We could have done
an intervention
while she was picking
the quarter of your nose
with her pussy.
Listen, you.
She's trying to integrate
him back into the family.
Using your wedding?
Yes.
Did you even tell her who
you wanted to be best man?
Well--
That's what I thought.
T-minus one day
and counting until
complete vaginal submission.
I promise I will
make it up to you.
How?
Name it.
You better get off me.
I don't know.
You're very comfortable.
If you don't get off
me, I'm going to fart.
And it is not going to be quiet.
And it is not
going to be pretty.
Go ahead.
Serenade me.
It's my last night
as a free man.
It's kind of late.
Can I stay here too?
Uh, don't you want
to be with Belinda?
Not for the wedding.
Bad luck.
Remember?
What, what about your tux?
Ted has it.
He can pick me up
in the morning.
Yeah, if he can get
here without snorting
all the carpet freshener
out of the hallway rugs.
Why didn't you let the
stripper give you a lap dance?
Uh, more beer?
I stopped drinking
beer two hours ago.
Tequila shots.
Oh, hell no.
You can't be drinking
beer like a pussy
when I'm slugging tequila.
And how exactly does
a pussy drink beer?
Glug, glug, glug, slug-
And you want tequila.
Pour asshole.
And?
YOu?
Toast rne.
Demanding little shit.
Toast me or I'll tell
your mother the stripper
made you bowling ball her
in front of everybody.
Bowling ball?
OK.
OK.
To Cooper.
May your hair never
fall, your dick
always rise, and your kids never
call your brother-in-law daddy.
[laughing]
But seriously, Coop.
Be happy-
And to you, Lewis.
May you get everything
that you want.
Another.
Another.
Cooper, no.
My blood is 90% tequila already.
It's my bachelor party, Lewis.
OK, fine.
But let's just sip these, OK.
I need to slow down.
OK.
Seriously, I'm sorry about
the whole best man thing.
I call three questions.
What's that?
We ask each other
three questions.
No subject is off limits.
Lyin is not-
Lyin?
Lying is not allowed.
What?
What are you doing?
Well, obviously, I've wandered
into a pre-teen slumber party.
You're certainly
dressed for it.
There is one thing I been
wanting to ask you since you
came into town a week ago.
What?
OK.
Question one.
What is the wildest thing that
you have ever done sexually?
Are We really going there?
I'm about to
commit myself to one
woman for the rest of my life.
I need here some hot, sexy
shit before I tie a noose
around my dick and hang myself.
You first.
That's against the rules but--
Too many to think of just one?
I got it.
Do you remember in
high school that day
in January when
we got snowed in?
Yeah, yeah.
We all had to sleep
in the gymnasium.
Yeah, we slept on
the Wrestling mats.
Yeah, yeah.
Right, right.
Remember how they
had everybody just
mixed up, girls with the boys?
Everyone was just
scattered around.
Yeah.
OK, so I wake up in
the middle of the night,
and Michelle Berenger is rubbing
my dick through my jeans.
What?
I look around.
Everybody's asleep,
even all the teachers.
So I pull the old redwood
out, and she goes down on me.
Timber!
Holy shit.
She was like a anaconda, man,
swallowing a bigger anaconda.
That's ballsy of her.
Yeah.
I swear that her jaw unhinged
right there in the middle
of 200 sleeping students.
Did you ever see her again?
No.
I found out later she was my
third cousin or something.
But that was your second
question, by the way.
So answer mine.
Um, OK.
Remember Tom and
Linda from college?
Mm hm Yeah, sure.
OK.
One night-- oh my god.
I can't believe I'm
telling you this.
One night, uh, I was at
their place for dinner.
And they been
married nine months.
And Linda breaks out the tarot
cards to read my fortune.
And she just says all
the usual bullshit.
You know, I'm gonna be
successful, well liked,
et cetera.
Then she says I'm
going to experience
a big change in my life.
She asked if she can read my
palm to get a better clue.
So she's tracing with
her fingers my lifeline,
my heart line.
Yeah, Whatever.
And then, her hand slides
down past my Wrist, up my arm,
until it's sliding
over my shoulder.
What was Tom doing?
Watching with a
big grin on his face.
And then, we all just
end up on the floor.
What happened?
Did, did you fuck her?
Uh, yeah.
Did he?
We both did.
We both did.
Wha--?
At the same time?
Details now.
OK, well Tom and
I laid on the floor,
and scooted against each other.
Then, he put his legs
over mine and held
our dicks close together.
And she, she sat on us.
Who poked what?
He went for.
I went aft, if you'll pardon
the [inaudible] terms.
Fuck me.
Where was I?
I don't know.
Getting head in the
middle of a flash mob?
Are you bullshitting me?
No.
Cause when we lie, the
relationship is over.
It's all true.
Damn.
That is a whale of a tale.
Shots.
Shots.
Another story.
Something Weirder, wilder.
Uh, uh, you first.
In the form of a
question, please.
What's something else you've
clone that's sexually crazy?
Come on.
The dog licked my balls once.
Does that count?
Ew!
No!
Why did you let the
dog lick your balls?
Well, l didn't let him.
He caught me by surprise.
What were you doing so
the dog could-- never mind.
Come on.
Something else.
I got nothing.
Bullshit.
How do you top a
blowjob in the middle
of a 200 person sleepover?
Everything else
pales by comparison.
What about something
with your fiance?
Strictly coloring
inside the lines there.
My turn.
Question two.
What have you done sexually
that would shock me?
I better not.
What?
No fair.
Why?
I don't want you
to think badly of me.
I think you're an
asshole already so spill.
[Sigh]
We're just telling stories here.
I promise, there's nothing you
could say that will make me
feel any differently about you.
All right.
The Tom and Linda story, I
didn't tell you everything.
OK.
So Linda's kissing me.
Tom's getting undressed.
And then, she kissed him.
And then, he, he kissed me.
Tom kissed you?
Yes.
Then, we all just started
kissing, and making out,
and fell to the floor.
And then, well, then
I, I sucked his dick.
What was it like?
What?
Question three.
What was it like sucking a dick?
It was good.
Fun.
Easy.
Pussy on a stick.
Look, I'm bisexual.
I've known it for a long time.
I'm sorry I never told you.
I just, I didn't know how.
I have to piss.
Fucking tequila.
Put some porn on.
[moaning]
Seen it.
Seen it.
Are you kidding me with this?
Yes.
Ooh, yeah.
Get that pussy wet, yeah.
Seen it.
- (ON TV) Oh.
- Put something else on.
This is all the
straight porn I have.
Bullshit.
It is.
Everything else is
from my personal stash.
I don't care.
Just put something in.
Now if this is too much
for you, just say so.
Just push play, grandma.
Let's go.
(QN TV) Oh, yeah.
[moaning] Oh
Oh, fuck yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
[m0afiing] Oh, yeah.
I didn't know
guys could do that.
(ow TV) Uh huh.
Gotta piss again.
[moaning sex sounds]
(QN TV) Fuck.
Oh, yeah.
Tough to piss when
you got a hard on.
That guys dick is huge!
So how big are you?
I don't know.
I never sized it.
YOu?
Never sized mine either.
Too bad I don't
have a tape measurer.
You don't have
a tape measurer?
Sorry.
All the times to
forget my Christian
Siriano portable sewing kit.
Well when you see a guy in
the movie who's the same size
as you, point him out.
OK.
Him.
No way.
No fucking way.
Yeah.
Pretty close.
That is a whale of a tale.
You aren't that big.
No way.
Maybe I should show you.
I think you're right.
I've never touched
another guy's dick before.
It's OK.
You can if you want to.
Do you want to?
Yeah.
I've never sucked a cock before.
You can if you want to.
Do you want to?
Yeah.
No teeth.
What?
You're not using any teeth.
- Do you want me to?
- No.
No.
I just-- you're
really good at this.
Sure you never done this before?
L\/lrn mm.
Take your pants off.
I've had too much to drink.
I don't even know if
I can get hard again.
Let me worry about that.
Is it OK?
Yeah.
That was close.
Lewis one.
Whiskey dick, zero.
What's the matter?
Let me kiss you.
I don't want to do that.
You just had my
dick in your mouth.
You won't let me kiss you?
It's just different.
How?
Kissing is more intimate.
I want to save that.
OK.
I want to do you again.
Sure.
[moaning]
What time is it?
6:25.
I should get up.
I gotta shower.
Yeah, cause the Wedding's
in about five hours.
I knew the affair was
doomed from the beginning.
Jeff had a beautiful wife,
two handsome children, and
a thriving peanut plantation.
He would never
give him up for me.
And truly, he would
be a fool to do so.
But he had planted a seed in me.
A seed that burned deep within.
I must have him.
Whatever it takes.
Gideon.
That was fast.
More of a rinse.
OK, I know this is stupid.
But I have to ask.
Did we do anything unsafe?
We gave Ted the
key to the minibar.
I'm serious.
Don't worry.
You're fine.
It was just intro
to homo sex 'I01.
Did I pass?
The oral exam, yes.
OK.
Good.
Just wait till we get
to the advanced classes.
Lewis, this can
never happen again.
Do you want to pray?
What?
Does this mean you
don't want the 5O bucks?
No.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not used to so
much drama from my tricks.
You're such a dick.
The word you're looking
for is John, not dick.
Now go put something pretty on,
and let's get some breakfast.
Lewis, can you set your phaser
to serious for one minute?
OK, let's hear it.
Here what?
L'm not gay.
I like women.
I was just, dot, dot, dot.
Choose from the following.
A, curious.
B, drunk.
C, horny.
Followed up by and there was a
willing mouth in the room so.
Lewis, I liked it.
OK?
I wouldn't have
done it otherwise.
But I'm getting married today.
Oh, I should've
made that choice D.
Look, I'm not gonna
freak out or run away.
And I'm not gonna say that
we can't be buddies anymore.
You're my best friend.
And if anything, this just
made me feel closer to you.
Except for the kissing.
Well I got to save
something for my wife.
OK.
She can have your feet.
I don't like feet.
Feet are suspicious.
They never look you in the eye.
Lewis, it was fun.
And I'm glad that
it was with you.
But once is enough.
You can't stop at just one.
Think of me as your personal
bag of potato chips.
You both make
my fingers greasy.
Good one, straight boy.
Hey, Ted?
Yeah, it's Cooper.
I need you to come pick me up.
I'm still at the hotel.
Yeah, I got drunk
and passed out.
All right.
OK.
All right, I'll meet you
out front in a few minutes.
Bye.
L 90': to go.
Fflends?
Of course.
With benefits?
Ass.
OK, kiss me goodbye.
How about a hug?
I'll take it.
See you later?
Yes, you will.
Your nose smells like tuna.
Love you, Lewis.
Love you, Coop.
[music playing]
What are you doing?
Testing my camera skills.
Are we changing professions?
No, I thought I'd make a
sexy video with the wife.
I just wanted to
test it out first.
I'll erase it.
That's an expensive sex toy.
I got it for the baby.
The baby needs a sex toy?
The birth.
I'm recording the birth.
That's your idea
of a sexy video?
Or is it just the third
act of a story arc?
Dick.
The wife liked your
latest book, by the way.
They all say that.
When's it due?
In a couple of weeks.
Congratulations!
Thanks.
Let's drink a toast.
Shots.
You go ahead without me.
What?
We have to drink a toast.
Come on.
[inaudible].
Uh, yeah.
Tell me When.
That's, that's great.
Yeah, too much.
That's the point.
Here.
To my son.
You know the sex?
Yeah, for awhile now.
You didn't say anything.
Are you excited?
Not yet, but
I'm getting there.
Get off.
I meant about the baby.
Being a father.
Having a son.
[Sigh]
I'm so excited, I
could shit a crowbar.
H 9Y-
All new fathers get nervous.
What if I sit on him?
[chuckle]
Why would you sit on him?
Well not intentionally.
I want to be a good dad, Lewis.
The best.
I have to be.
Cooper, you're a
sweet, loving man.
You're gonna be a great dad.
You think so?
Of course.
I just don't want to
fuck him up in the head.
Then, Wait till
he's 3O before you
tell him daddy's a cock sucker.
I don't know what's bouncing
around in that spinning raffle
basket of the head of yours.
Do you remember
when my dad left?
Yeah, soon after
we became friends.
He never said goodbye.
He just left.
I thought it was me, that I did
something wrong, even today.
It's like he pushed a dirty
thumbprint into my brain
that won't go away.
You're gonna be an
awesome dad, Coop.
The best.
Thanks, Lewis.
You always say the
intelligent thing.
Yes, I know.
I had a very handsome
younger brother.
When we were kids, people
would look at him and say,
you are so cute.
And then, they'd look
at me and say, uh,
you must be the smart one.
Hey, we can't all be a
[inaudible] Somebody's gotta
be Kate Jackson.
Camera.
Take your shirt off.
You really are a perv.
You know that?
You must like it.
Four years later, and you
haven't skipped an anniversary.
Pants.
Fourth anniversary.
That's fruit, isn't it?
I'd answer that, but I
think you'd be insulted.
Get in bed.
Hey, I want another drink.
YOu?
I'm good.
Here.
Tkethat
OK.
Coop, what do you
tell your wife?
What do you mean?
Well every year for
the past four years,
We've met in this
same hotel room.
It's the day before
your anniversary.
What does she think?
I tell her one of my buddies
is sick and in the hospital.
I have to go see him.
So far, four of my closest
imaginary friends have died.
Belinda doesn't strike
me as being stupid.
She's not.
She's just trusting.
You sure you don't
want another drink?
Why do you drink
so much before?
Before?
Before.
It relaxes me.
Why do you need to be relaxed?
Give.
Lie back.
Play with yourself.
Do you have a preference
as to which hand?
No more talking.
Do it.
What are you gonna
do with this tape?
We're gonna watch it.
Then what?
Then, we're gonna fuck.
Thought you didn't fuck.
I'm gonna fuck you.
You're not gonna fuck me.
And here, I didn't
get you anything.
Talk to me.
What do you want me to say?
Sexy things.
Just don't make
me call you big Jar
Jar Rat Nuts like last time.
Come on.
OK.
Do you like what you see?
Yeah.
Does it turn you on?
Fuck yeah.
Don't you wanna pan down?
No.
A dick is a dick.
Your face is sexy.
Show me how much I turn you on.
Cooper.
Yeah.
Cooper.
Yeah.
Cooper.
Come close?
Yes.
Yeah, l'm--
[phone ringing]
Shit.
Don't cum yet.
[phone ringing]
Who is it?
The Wife.
[phone ringing]
Aren't you gonna get it?
No.
Now where were We?
No, I'm not in the mood.
Oh, come on.
No, sorry.
Don't pout.
Who's pouting?
Well if I had
to guess, I'd say
it's the guy sitting in the
chair with the frowny face.
You're mistaken.
I don't think so.
Come here.
Come here.
I'm sorry.
I love our annual get-togethers.
I really do.
But you can't expect
me to throw wood
when I know you're
pregnant Wife is calling
wondering where you are.
She's not here, Lewis.
You are and I am.
Us.
One day a year.
Let's just hit the pause
button on our lives.
Just turn the lights off
on the world for one day.
We have one day to grind,
and sweat, and moan,
and not care about anything.
But--
It gets crazy at
the store, Lewis.
I have to control the stock.
Control the staff.
Control the deliveries.
I'll have the father
in law hovering over me
scowling at everything I do.
You write romance novels.
You create characters.
You pick the words
that they say.
Don't you want to
take one day a year
and just say, fuck it, I want
to lie in bed and screw all day?
I'm not in a relationship.
I don't have to be the grownup.
Well I don't want to
be the grown up either.
And soon, that's
all I'm gonna be.
Your turn.
- What do you want me to do?
- Get on your knees.
Good.
I like you like that.
What do you want me to do?
Call me sir.
Ha!
Hey, you said you don't
want to be the grown-up?
Do it.
Call me sir, or I'll start
describing Bristol Palin naked.
Fucking-- OK.
What do you want me to do, sir?
May I touch myself, sir?
Yes.
Wait, Coop.
Sure you want me to
be feeling like this?
[doorbell]
Who is it?
Housekeeping.
I'm sorry for the
interruption, sir.
I started my shift late.
Oh, uh, that's OK.
Um, uh, the room's fine.
Uh, I'll be as quick as I can.
It'll only take a few minutes.
Um, OK.
Uh, just, just please
be as fast as you can.
Yes, sir.
Would you like me to
make your bed, sir?
No!
No, it's, it's OK.
Thanks.
I'm all done, sir.
Oh, um, great.
Thank you.
Have a nice stay with us.
If it gets any better, I don't
think I'll be able to stand it.
Did we get that?
Ha fucking ha.
Shut up.
You liked it.
Sometimes I think
you're certifiably insane.
I'm just kicking up my heels.
I wish you would.
Ha fucking ha to you.
I got something for you.
Oh you do, do you?
I know it's not your birthday,
but I got you a present.
Lucky me.
Why don't you try it on?
See if it fits.
Oh, I think it'll fit.
You know my size.
No undies.
Somebody's being adventurous.
Shut up and suck me.
Yes, daddy.
Lewis, just, just
don't say that.
No, I'm sorry.
It's my bad.
[phone ringing]
Damn it!
Oh for fucks sake.
[phone ringing]
Is it you're wife again?
It doesn't matter.
Now where you going?
Shrivel city.
Is that anywhere
near Bonerville?
Not today it isn't.
I went commando for this?
What do you want me to do?
You know this is a situation
we have to face sometimes.
I didn't get upset last year
when your mom kept calling.
She was having a heart attack.
No, she wasn't.
She over-blended
her Activia smoothie
and was having gas cramps.
She was curled up on
the floor of her shower
in the fetal position.
Calling your name and
farting into her Life Alert.
Seriously, who drinks a
smoothie in the shower?
The point is she
thought she was dying.
And so did you?
If your ass had teeth, you
would've bitten my dick off.
So why didn't you g0?
Shots.
I stashed this
away just in case.
Oh!
The good stuff.
Oh, forget those.
You're a regular boy scout.
I remember when
I practically had
to force you to drink with me.
I know you too well.
Yeah?
H 9Y-
Have you ever done
a kissing shot?
No.
What is it?
I pour a shot into my
mouth, push it into yours,
so we share it.
Gross.
Oh, come on.
Try it!
Or does your sense
of adventure just
stop at not wearing underwear?
That's kissing.
Only better with liquor.
Lewis, how many times
do I have to say it?
No kissing, even with booze.
Listen.
You won't let me fuck you.
I think the least I
deserve is a kiss.
One lousy kiss.
Not an insurmountable request
for three years of penetration.
Fuck, OK.
Really?
With booze.
Now this is an
anniversary present.
Of course, it's not fruit.
Shut up and pour.
Belly up to the bar.
Well, make your move, cowpoke.
Yeah.
I know.
That was some strong stuff.
Want another one?
No.
No.
Can you admit you
felt something just now?
Like what?
I don't know.
A Spark!
I don't like kissing, Lewis.
I told you that.
Yeah but--
[vibrating phone sound]
I don't even kiss the Wife.
Do you remember what
I said the first time
you wanted to kiss me?
Yeah.
You said it was too intimate.
You wanted to save it.
You never asked me
who I was saving it for.
I had three better
questions that year.
But I assumed you were
saving it for your Wife.
So did I.
But even when We were dating,
that peck at the wedding,
I knew that it wasn't for her.
What wasn't for her?
The intimacy.
The person I could
share my soul with.
Be one with.
I mean, don't get
me wrong, buddy.
I love her.
I, I really do.
I mean, she's gonna be
the mother of my kid.
But she's not my other half.
She doesn't complete me.
Complete you?
Has the Lifetime channel gone
Clockwork Orange on your ass?
No.
The wife, she has these
romantic audio books.
She listens to them
before we go to sleep.
One of yours once.
Have you ever fucked
to a Harlequin romance?
I fucked on a
Harlequin romance.
I got tapped at the library.
So you're afraid of intimacy?
Of finding intimacy,
especially now.
I'm married, Lewis,
with a kid on the way.
What happens if
I find the person
that I'm supposed to be with?
Think about it.
And you think it might be me?
Wait.
Are you afraid it might be me?
You sure do make a
lot of dramatic exits
for a straight guy.
I call three questions.
Shit.
Not now, Lewis.
Fuck.
Rules of three questions.
The game can be initiated
once a year, at any time,
by either player.
No refusals.
No time-outs.
- Cmp
- Your game.
Your rules.
- OK.
Go.
We've been together in the
Leviticus sense four times now.
Question one.
Shoot.
Do you consider
yourself gay or bi?
Neither.
I'm straight.
But you can fit more of
my cock down your throat
than a porn star.
You jackhammer my
butt like it's payday
at the construction site.
Question two.
How can you consider
yourself straight?
Question one.
How can you consider
yourself bi?
What are you talking about?
After my bachelor party, you
said that you were bisexual.
But since then, every
relationship you've told
me about has been with dudes.
What gives?
It's an evolution from
straight, to curious,
to bisexual, to gay.
I call it the
Elton John Parkway.
I just got off at the
Ricky Martin exit.
So you're 93V-
Yeah.
And you're straight.
Yeah But I can admit I'm gay.
Why can't you be gay?
Why-
I like women, Lewis.
I always have.
I just like to suck
dick once in awhile.
Have you had sex with
any men other than me?
No.
Why do you think I meet
you here every year?
To get all those urges
out of my system.
I'm a gay pressure valve.
No.
You're my best friend.
I couldn't do it
with anybody else.
You know what I think?
I think you're bisexual
with a preference for women.
Can we agree on that?
50/50, so to speak.
Well this is
definitely a mood killer.
I'm just trying to
figure out how you
justify what it is We do here.
Why do we need to justify it?
Let's just have some fun and
leave all that heavy shit
outside in the real world.
Uh, I believe you're the one
dragging the real world in here
with this I won't kiss mantra.
If you truly believe that this
hotel suite was fantasy land,
a kiss wouldn't mean anything.
Hell, throwing your legs
up wouldn't mean anything.
Being bi--
- Straight.
--Wouldn't mean anything.
Can we just drop it?
All I want is a little
oral sex, mano a mano.
Not for me to be staring
at ink blots while I do it.
I thought I was the comic
and you were the straight man.
Nest, you'll say
I have daddy issues.
Well-- sorry.
You got your Freud
in my Dr. Ruth.
You got your Dr.
Ruth in my Freud.
Shots?
No.
You got two more
questions to ask me.
I don't feel like playing.
Come on.
What's your favorite color?
How about some music?
Whatever.
[music playing]
Hey, do you recognize this?
It's the song the Wife and I
danced to at the reception.
Come on, Lewis.
It's four years ago.
[music playing]
This is nice.
Yes, it is.
[music playing]
I would have bet
you didn't have
a romantic bone in your body.
You can put this
in one of your books.
You have my permission.
Thank you.
All I want is
10% of the gross.
This scene is too
sappy for a book.
It's better suited for a
drippy, melodramatic play or
some dopey, independent film.
You're selling us short.
No, I'm not.
You're selling somebody short.
So how about them Cubs.
Shut it.
You're not a bad dancer.
Where'd you learn that?
When you have
two older sisters
that look like your
father, you learn to dance.
Dip?
Nicely done.
And you?
My grandma, Rose.
Did I ever meet her?
No.
She lived alone in a
big house in Salem.
On the second floor, at the end
of the hall was a locked door.
And whenever I'd ask
her what was inside,
she'd put finger to her lips.
Ssh.
And one day when
we were alone, she
showed me this old fashioned key
hanging from a thin blue ribbon
around her neck and said,
Lewis, would you like to see
what's in the secret room?
I almost peed myself waiting
for her to unlock that door.
So?
What was inside?
Another bedroom.
That's it?
No.
This one was really fancy
with a big canopy bed,
frilly curtains on the
Windows, pink wallpaper,
an antique dressing
table, and there
was a huge fireplace
with crying cupids carved
into the marble mantelpiece.
And along one wall, stacked
from the floor almost
to the ceiling, where hatboxes.
Towers and towers of hat boxes.
Grandma Rose told
me to look inside.
So I took one down,
removed the lid,
and inside was a human head.
What?
OK, you're paying attention.
Dick.
Inside was a hat, of course.
It was purple felt with
feathers and beads.
It looked brand new.
And with it was
a paperback book.
A romance book.
It was the same in
every box I opened.
Hats and books.
Grandma Rose told me that after
Grandpa died, every few months,
she'd go into town and
buy a hat and a book.
Then, after dinner, she'd
sit at the dressing table,
put on her makeup, her
best dress, the hat,
and sit in a chair by the
window reading her stories.
Her favorite hat was pale pink
with cream colored pearls.
And her favorite book was called
Tales of True Love and Romance.
Whenever we were alone,
we'd go to the secret room,
put on our hats, and
dance to the radio.
When she died, I
packed up her things.
I tore up the house looking
for the key to that room.
I was afraid it had
been buried with her.
But finally, I found it.
It was the first time I'd
opened the room by myself.
And I was so nervous,
my fingers trembled.
But it looked the
same, exactly the same.
But when I opened
one of the hat boxes,
it was empty, except for
a page torn out of a book.
Her favorite book.
I opened every single box, Coop.
I wanted to find the
pink hat with the pearls.
But they were all empty.
All empty except for
pages torn from tales
of true love and romance.
That's when I noticed
in the fireplace,
underneath the crying cupids,
a scorched set of pearls
and a mound of ashes.
She'd burned her hats.
All of them.
On the mirror of her
dresser, she taped a picture
of herself holding the book.
She looked sad.
On the back she'd
written, you can't find
love in a locked room, Lewis.
You can read about life,
or you can live it.
Be happy-
Grandma Rose.
Or you can write about it.
Come on, Lewis.
Let's live.
[whispering] Coop, are you?
[whispering] Yeah, yeah.
Just, just do it.
[whispering] OK.
Breathe.
Just breathe.
How does it feel?
Sorry.
Sorry.
Lewis.
What?
Lewis, take it out.
Take it out.
Oh god.
COOper?
Hey, COOP?
What?
It's OK, dude.
Shit happens.
That's not funny.
Look, it's my fault.
I should've prepped you.
How?
Let me in.
OK.
Now tell me when the
water's lukewarm.
Empty this out, and
refill it with tap Water.
LA tap water?
You'll be fine.
Now, put the cap back on.
See the nozzle?
Yeah.
OK, bend over.
What?
You heard me.
Grab your ankles and open wide.
Aah.
Wrong end.
- That's fucking cold.
- Be a man.
Until five minutes
ago, I was a man.
OK, now sit.
Can I have some
privacy, please?
Rinse and repeat.
Justin stood above her.
The sun behind his head
making his long, flowing hair
normally the color of wheat glow
with the brilliance of gold.
Lorelei felt her
heart beating rapidly,
mindful of every single
bead of sweat on her breast.
I give myself to you,
my dear, Justin said.
His voice deep and echoing
as if from inside a barrel.
From this moment on, I am
yours, as you are mine.
Our names branded in fire
on each other's souls.
[toilet flushing]
Sound of success.
How do you feel?
Like somebody opened
a water park in my ass.
Do you still want to do it?
I didn't come this
far to give up now.
Wait.
On your back.
I'll show you.
What do you know?
They do look you in the eye.
Look at me.
How is it?
Does it feel good?
I'm guessing yes.
You feel so good, Coop.
I never thought
this would happen.
Lewis.
You're so tight.
Lewis.
It's like fucking a keyhole.
Lewis!
What?
Will you shut the hell up?
Oh, yeah.
Right there.
[moaning sex sounds]
Oh, shit!
[moaning sex sounds]
Lewis.
Lewis!
Get off of me!
[vomit sounds]
COOper?
You all right?
Coop?
[toilet flushing]
Are you OK?
[vibrating phone sound]
Motherfucker!
Hello?
I wasn't near my phone.
Why?
When?
Is she OK?
And what about,
what about the baby?
All right.
Which hospital?
OK, yeah.
All right.
All right.
I'm on my way.
Is everything OK?
Of course not, Lewis.
When you hear the word hospital
in a phone conversation,
it's never OK.
It was the wife.
The baby came prematurely.
How are they doing?
It was iffy for a while.
But yeah, they're both fine.
I never meant for
things to get this far.
Promise me something, Lewis.
What?
Promise me that We will
never do this again, ever.
We can still meet up
for dinner or drinks.
Or a good cigar?
Yeah.
I love you, Lewis.
Love you, Coop.
I'm adad!
[music playing]
Fuck.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Hey, Lewis.
It's Coop.
Hey, buddy.
Where are you?
Um, I've been here
for two hours.
How are you, Lewis?
It's good to hear your voice.
You too.
Uh, what number is this?
I didn't recognize it.
It's the home phone.
I lost my cell.
So where are you?
What's keeping you?
Um, look Lewis, I'm
not coming this year.
Why not?
My sister is visiting.
Her family's here.
[sigh] You can't get away?
I'm just having
trouble with this.
I feel guilty.
Then, you should jump
in your car and come over.
I've got the cure for
your guilt right here.
What's that?
Your favorite
whiskey and cigars.
You're making me-- you're
making this hard for me.
Literally, I hope.
God, Lewis.
No, I have to be strong.
The double blended whisky?
Of course.
I can't, Lewis.
I'm sorry.
We'll have to
forget it this year.
It's not fair to the
wife, to my family,
and it's not fair to you.
How is it not fair to me?
I just don't want to give you
the wrong impression, you know.
Sometimes I feel like you
think this is going somewhere,
and it can't.
Have I ever said I wanted
anything more than what We do?
Well, no.
Then, Why would
you think I do?
Wait.
D0 you?
No, no.
That's not it.
I have to be a grown up now.
You know, a wise man once
said to me let's just take
one day a year and say fuck it.
Let's lie in bed
and screw all day.
Whatever happened to that guy?
Somehow, he got
stuck with a wife,
a kid, a mortgage, and a badly
timed sense of responsibility.
Tell you what.
Why don't we just go
out to dinner tonight?
Some steaks.
Some wine.
Let's just hang
out and catch up.
That's harmless, right?
No sex?
No sex.
That sounds OK.
And at dinner, if our legs
happen to touch and I rub
my calf against yours,
there's nothing wrong
with hand-job under the table.
Right?
Damn it, Lewis.
Would you really do that?
Oh, you know I would, buddy.
I'd make you bite
your lip and sweat.
Oh, fuck.
What are you wearing?
Jeans and a t-shirt.
Are your jeans
around your ankles?
They are now.
Oh, hold on.
What did you do?
Locked the bedroom door.
Keep talking.
What would we be
doing if I was there?
I'd pull your shirt off.
Then, I'd slowly rub my
hands across your chest,
pinching your nipples, and
holding you close against me.
Yeah.
Are you hard?
Yeah.
Are you?
Oh yeah.
Is it out?
Yeah.
Don't stop.
I can feel you against
me, hard and throbbing.
Ah, yeah.
I'd take it in
my hand and stroke
it, like you're doing now.
My hand is warm and firm.
Can you feel it?
Yeah, I can.
I'd pull you
close and kiss you.
I don't do that.
Hey, it's a fantasy.
You'll kiss a monkey
if I want, so shut up.
OK, fuck it.
Kiss me.
Stick your tongue in my mouth.
I'd push you back
on the bed and grab
your legs, pushing them back.
Give it to me, Lewis.
I want it.
I'd grease us both
up and push into you.
Give it to me, Lewis.
I can take it.
[deep breathing]
I'm still screwing you
watching the look of lust
on your face.
Faster, dude.
Go faster.
I need it bad.
Do you, Coop?
Do you need it bad?
Yeah, I do.
I dream about us sometimes.
Come on, Lewis.
Pound me.
Beg me for it.
Please, Lewis.
Please, take me.
It's yours.
It fucking belongs to you.
Shit.
I'm close.
You gonna juice me?
Lewis, you gonna--
Hello?
Uncle Cooper, are
you on the phone?
Uh, you bet, Todd.
What's up, buddy?
Who are you talking to?
My friend, Lewis.
Do you remember him?
No.
Never mind.
My sister's boy, Lewis.
[Sigh]
- Hey, Todd.
How you doing, kiddo?
Fine.
Say, Todd Meister, hang
up so Lewis and I can talk.
OK?
What you gonna talk about?
Grown up stuff.
OK, bye.
Bye, Todd.
[laughing]
That was intense.
I know.
Does your sister homeschool?
Cause her kid almost
got an education.
Ba bing!
No, I meant before.
That was really hot.
Yeah, it was.
Do you really dream
about it, Coop?
Sometimes.
You're smiling, aren't you?
Maybe.
Prick.
Why?
Well, what a short journey
it's been from I don't get
fucked to fuck me harder.
Faster!
[laughing]
You are a dick.
Apparently, one
you dream about.
Repeat
Dick.
So you want to
come and be abnormal?
Coop?
Are you there?
[sniffling]
What's wrong?
I wanted to see you, Lewis.
I really did.
I miss you.
I'm so fucking stupid.
Hey, hey-
Don't worry about it.
I try to do the right thing.
But then, I talk to
you and, suddenly,
you're the right thing.
Well why, Why don't
you come over then?
And it's still early.
Shit.
I'd like to.
I really would.
But I can't.
I already have plans at home.
Sorry.
It's OK, really.
You miss a year.
So there's always next year.
Isn't there?
We'll see.
I gotta run.
Love you, Lewis.
Love you, Coop.
[music playing]
Well here we are, sir.
Yes, I know.
I come here every year.
Oh, you must really
like our hotel.
It has its charms.
Would you like me to take
the bag to the bedroom, sir?
Uh, no.
No, thanks.
Uh, um.
Very well, sir.
I'll just leave it right here.
Great.
This is for you.
Thank you, sir.
Enjoy your stay.
I always do.
So how've you been?
Fine.
Yourself?
Can't complain.
How's business?
Very good.
I just hired four new guys.
That's great.
Take your shoes
and socks off, Lewis.
Get comfortable.
Kids doing well?
OK.
What's all this about?
What do you mean?
You've been here
for five minutes.
Normally, by now, my legs
would be over your shoulders.
And you'd be screaming
rap lyrics into my face.
This isn't the type
of behavior I've
come to expect from the man
that seduced me eight years ago.
Well now, that's a
whale of a tale, cowboy.
You seduced me.
And don't you forget it.
Figured that out, did you?
I guess you are the smart one.
Dick.
On the other hand, maybe
you're not so smart after all.
Here's a hot guy--
Reasonably attractive.
Don't kid yourself.
Hot guy lying naked
in bed, all for you,
and you don't seem interested.
Oh, I'm interested.
I brought a new toy.
I saw.
I figured we could play
Arizona interrogation.
In a minute, maybe.
Just follow the 8O proof road.
You have come a
long way, haven't you?
Three steps forward.
And you're two steps back.
It never used to be this hard to
get you in between the sheets.
But the last few years--
are you bored with me?
No.
Then, what is it?
Things are different now.
Fuck it.
All right.
Handcuff me.
Yes, sir.
No, I call you sir.
You got it.
I assume there's a key?
Over there.
Hey!
Get rid of that stupid thing.
Mood buster.
That's bronco buster.
Did you bring condoms, partner?
No.
Well, how are we gonna--
I don't want to use them.
What?
I don't want to
use them this time.
I don't know.
Come on, Lewis.
Please.
[Sigh]
Where's the lube?
I am rinsed, and
buttered, and ready to play.
Now ride me like a
teacup at Disneyland.
Fuck.
Have you got bigger?
Maybe.
You sure haven't gotten tighter.
Fuck you.
[heavy breathing]
Talk to me, sir.
Do you like it?
You're the best, Coop.
The best I've ever had.
How's it feel?
Great!
Awesome.
You like my cock in your ass?
Oh, I love it, sir.
I love it.
I love you.
Say that again.
I love your cock in my ass.
Don't!
Don't you kiss me like that.
Like what?
A distraction.
You kissed me to change the
subject, you little bastard.
Looks like playtime is over.
Lewis, can you
take these cuffs off?
Lewis.
Listen, Lewis, let me go!
Where do you see
us in 'I0 years, Coop?
Still meeting here in
this room every 'I2 months?
Why not?
Things change.
Like what?
I call three questions.
Damn.
I'm invoking.
Ask.
Question one.
You say things are different
now, that things changed.
We've been messing
around for years.
Messing around.
What's different?
I have a boyfriend now.
So.
So?
So?
You've got the balls to say so?
How many times over
the last eight years
have I heard you moan
regrets like a Tennessee
Williams heroine?
Oh, I'm cheating on my Wife.
Oh, I feel so guilty.
Oh.
Now fuck me.
I have a boyfriend now.
I'd think you'd feel
a little empathy.
But that's different.
And just how is
that different?
Wife and children.
Rock solid relationship.
Not like a boyfriend.
Why?
Is it abnormal?
Of course not!
It's just unbalanced.
A boyfriend is not the same
level of commitment as a wife.
Oh because gay
relationships aren't
as valid as straight
relationships.
No!
I mean, yes.
What I mean is, if you had
said girlfriend instead
of boyfriend, other than
wondering Whether I was living
in a parallel
universe, I would have
had the exact same reaction.
Boyfriends is little
winks when you
think that nobody's looking.
It's a quick hand job
at the movie theater.
Wives is, meatloaf again?
Is there gas in my car?
Or can you not scratch your
balls when my mother is home?
That's all I meant.
Yeah but, whenever you had
doubts, I threaded that needle.
Think you could do the same?
You always said that it
shouldn't matter to me.
So then, why should
it matter to you?
That's another question.
My turn.
Question one.
Have you slept with
any men other than me?
You asked me that years ago.
Well you've had a lot of
time for that answer to change.
Well?
No.
OK, question two.
Why--
Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait.
I feel like there
should be more to that.
There isn't, Lewis.
The answer is no.
All right?
Question two.
You say that it shouldn't
matter that I cheat on my Wife.
Why then should it matter that
you cheat on your boyfriend?
It's different.
He's sick.
Do you mean?
Ah, shit, Lewis!
How could you do that?
How could you be with somebody
who could give you something?
What about the year
you gave me crabs?
They weren't crabs!
They were lice!
The wife got them from
the kids at school.
It's acceptable.
I don't know.
I'm not the one
scratching my balls
in front of my mother in law.
Turn off your scanner, Coop.
You're safe.
I wouldn't have done
what we just did unless I
was 100% absolutely sure.
But there's a risk.
Sex is risky, Coop.
Always.
What's his name?
New boyfriend.
- That's another question.
Just, just answer it.
Bernie.
His name is Bernie.
OK, my turn.
Question two.
Have you ever thought
of leaving your wife?
Yes.
Uh, elaborate please.
I answered your question.
Not to my satisfaction.
That's not a
requirement of the game.
Fine.
Question three.
No, no, no.
It's my turn!
Yeah, yeah.
After this.
Question three.
Why am I the only guy
you've ever had sex with?
There's got to be one or two
other guys more attractive
than I am out there.
Maybe I like the smart ones.
Seriously.
Lewis, I've always felt that
there was a spark between us.
I don't know.
I can't explain it.
Something about
you has always made
my skin tingle when We touch.
My heart pounds when I
think about you naked.
Every expression on your face
is chiseled into my memory.
I don't know why.
It just is.
And you are the only man
that's made me feel like that!
So am l 93V?
Am I bisexual?
If I was, wouldn't I feel
like that for another man?
I don't!
Just you!
Only you.
But you said you loved me.
God!
I do, Lewis!
I love you so much!
This, this was supposed
to be the night, man.
The night?
[Sigh]
The night!
The night!
The night I told you I
wanted us to be together.
I've known that you wanted this.
I've known it for a long time.
You got a wife, Coop.
And children.
It would destroy them.
They need you.
But don't you need me?
I used to.
But now--
You've got Bernie.
Yeah.
Look at me.
We've always been able
to read each other.
Question three.
Are you telling me the
truth about Bernie?
Yes.
So your answer for me is--
Cooper, remember when
you told me about your dad
leaving, how it made you feel?
Why would you do
that to your kids?
You're not your father.
You're not gonna do
this to your family.
And soulmate or not,
they are your family.
They love you.
That's more important than us.
That sounds like one
of your $3.95 paperbacks.
$4.95!
$13.95 hardcover.
I beg your forgiveness.
Seriously, I'm sorry.
For what?
You've got someone.
I've got someone.
L'm haPPY-
YOu?
Yeah, as long as
you're a part of my life.
I better go.
Go now.
You know, you can keep these.
Thanks.
Next year.
We'll see.
Love you, Lewis.
I love you, Coop.
Why is our love
impossible, Stephen asked.
We are meant to be one.
It is not our destiny,
Jenny replied.
I will not be the one
to destroy your family.
They love you.
And if that is meant to be
and we are not, so be it.
[knocking]
Good evening, sir.
May I bring this in?
I didn't order anything.
Compliments of the house, sir.
Wow, this looks amazing.
But it's way too much
food here for one person.
Oh, I just got off work, sir.
You were my last
delivery of the night.
Would you care for
some dessert, Bernie?
Thank you.
Uh, my name's
Lewis, by the way.
Yes, I know.
Very nice to meet you, sir.
Oh, it looks like you've
already got something to drink.
Open her up.
I've always hated whiskey.
[music playing]