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The Last Straw (2016)
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Good morning, students of Robert Hobdy High. This is Principal Kelly. Welcome to another day of school. Friendly reminder, Salisbury steak tacos have been removed from the menu till further notice. And it's only a few days until you get your report cards so please be on your best behavior. Point to them or whatever. - Hey! - I'm walking here! I'm walking, I'm walking. Test answers, homework answers, last night's, next months, all of them, come, come, come, come! We are now open for business. Show me your green so you could be seen. Listen, let me get all the porn you've got. Boy, let me tell you about all the porn I got. I've got bla, For example, be attentive with your studies. It's the first planet from the sun, Venus second. Earth is third. Respect school property. And please be kind to your fellow students. Stop it. That's unnecessary. - It's not pink! - Not funny. It's light red! Why, why? It's light red! My mom picked it out! Real mature, guys. Yeah, you're real funny, aren't ya? You're just the hoot of the town? Let's just go, Murph, let's just go. Whoa! And remember, respect the hardworking faculty who are here to educate and enlighten your young minds. Come on, everybody, study. Yeah, just keep studying. I'll be here. Failure to abide by these rules will end with you visiting our new Dean of Discipline, Mr. Quint who will decide the matter further. Oh, man. Whoah. Now they've gone too far. Someone's going to be made an example of. Scarlet. I just wanted you to know that I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And I was really hoping that maybe you felt that way about me. Well, I mean, boys aren't beautiful, we're handsome, but you know what I mean, the equivalency of it, you know what I mean? I just really feel like you're an angel. This beautiful angel that fell from the heavens and crashed here on earth and boom, right into my lap and you know, well, well really not in my lap 'cause you're not mine. You know, but anyway. I was just kind of wondering, you know, if, you just, so I, really, really, you know. You could maybe be my boyfriend, I can be your girlfriend? I mean the other way around, you know. I mean I could be your boyfriend and you could be my girlfriend and, you know but if it's okay with you and you don't want that, I mean I could be your boyfriend, that's cool too. Doesn't bother me. And we could rush things, we could move really slow and maybe we'll end up getting married one of these days. Who knows? So with all that in mind, what do you think, would you like to go out tomorrow night with me? Movies, dinner, something like that? Vic, Destiny, what do you think? That bad, huh? That was awful, man, - seriously. - Yeah it's pretty - pretty much. - What's the matter with you, - all right? - Not good. It is pretty much terrible. Guys, what am I gonna do? She's waiting for me right now. I have no idea what I'm going to say to her. All right, calm down, calm down, all right? You gotta have faith in yourself you gotta have confidence, all right? It's just take the day for yourself and Scarlet is the day, all right? Seize the day. Carpe day, man, all right? You got this. Yeah I don't know why you're so nervous, Bruce. Everybody already knows that she likes you. So how do you do that Carpe day thing? Vic, I think we're gonna have to show him. Mhmm. Destiny, baby, girl. Yes? You keep leaving my body all in bruises because my heart beats for you so hard. Aw, babe! I can't do that. Oh, okay. Wait wait, before you go, before you go. Ah. Flowers, where'd you get these? Vic the Slick can get you anything. Thanks, man. Ooh! Wish me luck. Where's Bruce? Bruce, are you okay? Oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm good, I'm good, no, no, no. Why did you ask to meet? We really should be getting to class soon. Okay. Scarlet. You know, me and you have been friends for a while now and you know, we've gotten to know each other. And you know like, I don't know, I was just kind of wondering and maybe kind of... Oh, Bruce, you're so cute. Yes, you're someone special to me too. And... And yes, I'll be your girlfriend. Oh, okay... And yes, I'll let you take me to dinner and a movie Friday night. Did I miss anything? And the milkshakes are on you on Friday. And yes, Bruce, you can kiss me right now. Oh, I mean, of course I can, I mean, you know. Yeah, I'm boyfriend now, I mean Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, just shut up and kiss me. We better get to class before we're late. You go ahead, I'll meet you there. All right. I'll see you soon, my new girlfriend. Miss O'Neil. I see we're not familiar with the school's littering policy, are we? Perhaps you can join me in my office so we can review it together. Stacy Cooper. Here. Victor Johansen. Here. Bruce Bauer. Here and happy. That's wonderful. Scarlet O'Neil. Scarlet O'Neil. Absent? Edgar Brownstein? Edgar Brownstein, here? Here. J. Edgar Loser. J. Edgar Loser, oh very funny. Excuse me. Did you guys see Scarlet anywhere? - No, sorry. - No. Excuse me. Guys, did you see Scarlet? Oh, you didn't know? Hey, why weren't you in class? Scarlet. Scarlet? Scarlet, what's wrong? Bruce, I, I've been expelled. Wait, what'd you do? What? It was Quint. He said I was littering but he made it sound much worse than that. And I tried to explain to my parents but they didn't believe me and now they're shipping me off to another school. What about us? I mean, you know, room Friday, movies, dinner, you know, milkshakes, - what happened? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry Bruce. I wish it could have worked out differently. I'll miss you. I have to go. E equals mc squared? I thought E was a good time. Miss O'Neil! Excuse me, Buddha. I'm surprised you're still here. The Girl's Reform School in North Dakota's waiting for you. Scarlet! Oh I'm sorry. Were you two a couple? How sad. Why did you do that? Because this is what happens when you cause chaos and disorder. If you decide to follow in the footsteps of your little girlfriend, you meet the reaper. You keep your nose clean and there's no need to fear the reaper. And as for the rest of you! Many of you do not know who I am. But that ends today. I am the new Dean of Discipline in this school. So if I may invoke my French, I am now the pain in your derriere. So from this day forward, anybody who causes chaos and disorder in my hallways, you'll be spending quality time with me in detention. So tell all your friends! There's a new Sheriff in town and his name is Wolfgang Quint. Because today, ladies and gentlemen is the last straw! Quint's not here, it's all clear. Shh. Go and get to it, do it. No, you do it. You said you were gonna do it. You do it with me. Do it, ready? One, two, three. Oh my god, no! Well, well, well. What do we have here? Thelma and Loser. Well, bad boys, bad girls. What you going to do? What are you going to do when Quint nails you? Well I'll tell you, nobody... Asshole! Ooh. Whoah, allergy season. Excuse me, Sanchez? My name is O'Malley. Ooh, ooh really? I don't care. Yes, okay. No, it's going okay. I mean I was looking on the pages for you. I found 297, you're good, great. I have the copies on my desk. Yes, I'll see you on Tuesday, great. Chloe... Principal Kelly. I have the follow up. Yes, Chloe? Okay well get someone to clean up the vomit, that's wonderful. Principal Kelly. Yes, yes, no, we don't have any more asbestos in this building. Principal Kelly. Yes, Quint, how can I help you? As you enjoy your cushy little job here in the ivory tower, do you have any idea what is going on out there in your school? Well, what seems to be the problem? What seems to be the problem is the fifth fire alarm this week. And? In case you haven't figured it out yet there was no fire. Well, what do you plan on doing about it? I put you in charge of fixing our discipline issues. What are you gonna do? I'm going with the next phase of my plan called Operation 21 Jump Street. Take two students and have them infiltrate the student population to pull out the wrongdoers. Who were you thinking of using? I know just the two. This can't be happening. Bitches! I think you should check that out. No I think you should go. - No, no, no it's your turn. - No, you go get him. No, you. Don't push me. Don't push me. He's gone. Must be lunch time. Oh, thank god. Yup. Lucky him though. These hands, they've killed people. What's up? Murph, Murph. Murph! Murphy! Shut up! Stop it, Murph! Why? Shut up! It's bad enough as it is, all right? Shut up. This place sucks. Do you hear that Hobdy High? This place sucks! I'm glad high school only lasts for four years. I'm glad I wore underwear today. Oh god, it's over. - I know. - It's over. - We're alive but it's over. - It's hopeless. Swanson, Murphy! I think that's the voice of God. God? No, but close. I am Wolfgang Quint, Dean of Discipline. Both of you are probably thinking right now that it's hopeless. Pretty much. That you're doomed for all eternity to live under the heels of these degenerates. Times two. Well, you're in luck, gentlemen. Because today all of that changes. Really? Today, you become my hall monitors. And we're back on WKCross Five, the radio station that lost it all. Now for your weather forecast. Cloudy and depressing. No chance of sunshine 'cause she's gone. yeah. Now here's one for all the boys who've lost their sunshine. Well. I can't say I didn't expect this. Look at you, you're not sick with the flu. Not that I don't blame you. Quint has been on a total rampage. Handing out detentions left and right like they're candy. You know Jenna Mays? You know, nice girl, President of the National Honor Society, yeah, six weeks detention. She got caught sneezing in the school cafeteria and Quint grabbed her, dragged her to his office and gave her detention for, and I quote, "Trying to incite biological warfare". Biological warfare. There's more biological warfare happening in this room right now than in that girl's entire nose. Yeah, so man, take today off, take tomorrow off even, man. School's just become nothing. No learning. No good times, no fun. And it ain't gonna get any better. Brought your homework. At least what I think is homework. I never actually do mine. Copy that off you later. Ah, and the school newspaper came out today too. But I doubt you'll wanna read it. Nothing? Dead in there? Talk to me. She was it, Vic. She was the one. I know, man. Wanna know what the worst part of it is? Is that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. She's gone, Quint's in charge. And me? I'm alone. You're not alone, man. Come on, why don't we just go outside and do something. I'm tired of seeing you like this. We'll go out and maybe we'll see a movie. Right, how about go karting? Fishing? We'll hunt bears, I don't know, I'm just spitballing ideas right now. You know what, I got it. We won't even have to leave the house at all. I'll just go to the video store, rent a whole bunch of first person shooter war video games, and we'll just load them in and we'll just shoot all the Nazis pretending that they're all Quints. None of the Quint, bah! And we're like, yeah Quint. Suck on that! Are you excited? I'm great, that's gonna be great. I'm pumped, you pumped? I got half a stock just thinking about it. Let's just go, let's just do this. You, you just stay right there, mister. You just stay right there. I'm gonna make everything all right. Why did you do that? Because this is what happens when you cause chaos and disorder. Bruce, I've been expelled. Anybody who causes chaos and disorder in my hallways, you meet the reaper. And his name is Wolfgang Quint because today, ladies and gentlemen is the last straw. I got it. How couldn't I see it before? Chaos and disorder. Right in front of me. He told me right to my face exactly what his weakness is. What am I doing? Sitting in this room all week long pretending to be sick hiding from him. That's exactly what he wants. And now, I'm taking him down. He's going down, not me. Okay, all right. Chaos and disorder, what do we do to push him over the edge? How are we gonna do it? What is it? Ugh, flat. Come on Bruce, ah it's so close I can taste it in the air. Ah, what is it? I don't know, I'm just spitballing ideas right now. We'll just shoot all the Nazis pretending they're all Quints. It's the last straw! Okay. That's an idea. Here goes nothing. Yeah! Yeah! Man, I'm so stupid. I really forgot to ask you what topping. I just... Vic, you magnificent son of a bitch. I got it! No I think you've lost it. I know how we're gonna take down Quint. We're gonna take him down with this. A straw? No, not just straws. - Spitballs! - Oh dude! What the hell, come on. That was all types of nasty. Exactly, they're nasty and gross, disgusting. Perfect to drive a madman over the edge. All right, now Bruce. I understand that you're upset and that this whole Quint thing has... I'm willing to look past that because I know you're not right. You just need to... That got in my hair. If you do that to me one more time, I... That's it! No more! I'm done, I'm done. I came here to be the good friend. I asked you to go out, you even looked at me like I'm a dumbass acting all crazy, blowing a mess all over the floor and spitting on me with spitballs. You know what, that's gross, that's juvenile and it's stupid. You're stupid, Bruce. You're stupid! Oh my god, that makes perfect sense. You're brilliant. I get it now. Where Quint wants order, we will create, Disorder. Vic, you're my best friend. I can't do this alone. I need you, no, no, no, no, I need everyone to get this man back for what he did to Scarlet. Now, if we do this, we're gonna need some serious manpower and some even more serious firepower. Luckily, Vic the Slick can get me anything I want. Sounds like fun. I'm game. Today, we declare war on Mr. Wolfgang Quint. Okay Vic, today's the day. Does everybody have their bags? Locked, stocked and ready to rock. All right. We gotta protect the red bag at all costs. If anything happens to it, all of our plans will fall through. Relax, Bruce. We have everything planned down to a tee. It's just us versus a cranky old man. What's the worst that could possibly happen? Don't even say it. All right. Let's do it. Let's go to the ball. Gentlemen, this is ludicrous. The school has gone mad. The students don't think they need to follow the rules. We are going to take back control of this school. From this day forward you will patrol these halls. You will watch these degenerates and you will maintain order. If you see someone chewing gum, detention! If you see anything wrong, you will issue a detention. Consider today the day of your rebirth. Born in my image! You're no longer two pimple-popping dweebs being pushed around this school. Swanson. Murphy. You are the best students in this school. And it is your job, no, it is your duty to restore discipline to this school. Yes, sir. Not that side. Yes, sir! Sir. All right, all right. Everybody calm down, let's get this meeting started. We got a lot to do. Vic? Go. Troop status. All green, sir. Faculty suspicion? Suspicion's in an all time low, sir. What about the bag? I have the bag and it's in position and it'll be ready for today. Look, there's nothing to be worried about, okay? Just relax. We have everything planned to the tee. Now me and Vic called this meeting for a reason. Now that we're all on the same page, if anyone wants to leave, now's the time to do it. Good. All right, lades, gents, let's get this party started. Now the whole plan of attack... We have a problem. Get to class, get to class! Go, come on! - Stop! - Come here! Ah, no no no no. I'll bet you're asking yourself, did he write five detentions or six? Do you feel lucky, punk? Well do you? Can't spell the hat? You can't spell hat? Yup. One detention slip, cellphone in the hallway. Hi. You've been reading at a 12th grade level in a ninth grade classroom. You know what that gives you? A fricking detention pass. You make me sick. Hey, hey, hey! Hey, where are you fools going? Yeah yeah, yeah! Our boots, they're clean! We got you for speeding. Running a red light. Illegal U-turn. And? DUI. Gimme your lunch! How about we take your pants instead? Get it? Ooh yeah. Jackpot, woo! Give me your lunch! Excellent, gentlemen. Like KC and the Sunshine Band once said, That's the way - Uh, huh, - Uh huh, I like it. Okay, where did these two shmegeggis come from? It doesn't matter, okay? It doesn't matter? It may not matter to you but I've already got two strikes against me. One for the bootleg bible scam and the other one for the Salisbury job which is still pending legal review and I'm innocent till proven guilty. Now I don't wanna get shipped out just because you... You're not getting shipped anywhere. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna move the stuff to location delta and we're gonna be real quiet about it. This changes nothing, okay? All right. Just spread the word that these guys are on the prowl. Right. Let's go. Let's do it. Excellent. All's quiet in Robert Hobdy High. Well. Mr. Bauer. Trying to fly beneath the radar, aren't we? We're actually doing it, Murph. No one can escape us. I feel so alive, ooh! You know why? Because you're bringing order and discipline. We're making the school a better place. And we get these nice, sweet side perks. I almost feel bad for old Doomsday. Yeah. Psyche! Whoah, whoah, whoah. Swanson, Murphy. Sir, yes sir? Report to my office. Very well, sir. Big man's calling us. All right, what do I do with these? Probably infested. Chuck 'em. Ew! Let's go, Murph. To the Quint cave. Great. Gentlemen. I have installed a video surveillance system that records everyone and everything that happens in this school. So think of me as Big Brother Quint. Orwell would be proud. That is pure genius, sir. Utterly brilliant sir, utterly. I know. That's why I did it. I've observed one Bruce Bauer. Behold the evidence. Oh that's him right there. Yeah. That bag is busy. Busy bag. A lot of that stuff Jumping from person to person. Now. What did you see on that tape? A very suspicious bag. Full of mystery and intrigue. - And romance. - You might say. Do you know what I saw? Someone who was guilty. Bring me Bruce Bauer. Bruce has been pretty clean. Yeah for the most part he's been good, clean. Clean as a whistle, you might say. If you do that again I'm gonna take that away from you. I am so sorry, sir. If you ever question my authority again, you'll witness what I was like when I stormed the beaches of Iraq. There are beaches in Iraq, sir? Yes there are many, it doesn't matter! Bring me Bruce Bauer. Yes sir! Let's hit the streets, Murph. You mean the hallways. Yeah, those too. The bag. The bag, the bag, they're going after the bag. Phone, phone, phone phone. Ah. Vic line. It's Chuck. Leave, now. This is a code red, I repeat. - Code red, code red. - This is a code red. Quint knows what's going on. Those idiots are going to delta. They're going to grab the bag, we're going to be screwed! I repeat, that goof troop is going to take the bag. What do you want me to do, Vic? What do we do? What do I tell him? What do I tell him? Tell him not to do anything until we get there. Do not do anything until we get to you. Vic? He didn't hear, he didn't hear. - He can't hear, he can't hear. - Oh come on. - Vic, Vic! - Chuck, it's Bruce. Don't do anything until we get there. - Do you understand? - What? - Dude, you're breaking up. - All right, Bruce out. God! What do we do? What do we do, what do we do? - Vic, Vic. - What do we do, what do we do - Vic, Vic! - What do we do, what do we do? Don't worry. We're gonna do what we always do. On my mark, we go for it. There's no turning back now. You ready? Mark. Five, fift, 500? That could be a two? I wrote the number on my hand but then I sneezed. And so, I could, a two? Oh god! Take it easy Murph, Murph! Easy, all right? It's around here somewhere. We're gonna find it. And if my sense of smell is any good at all, it's right around, that way! Oh, 57, right here. Our very first drug bust. Now we can get that noose around Bruce nice and tight. Noose around Bruce. Good one, Murph. I have my moments. Yes you do. You wanna open it up? Oh hell yeah. Aw man, where's Chuck? Forget about him, what about the bag? Don't worry, don't worry, I called in a distraction. What kind of distraction? The kind with high heels and two days acting lessons? What, what? Find the zipper right there. Yeah I'm working on it. Tell me where's the zipper. Oh boys! - Let's open up, - No fly. Oh boys! Oh boys! Oh, no, I, Destiny, the beautiful buxom bombshell am choking! Oh if only there were some manly men hall monitors here to help me. That might work. Yeah, would you doubt me? Don't doubt me. Dibs! Don't worry, Miss Destiny, a man is here to save you! But she asked for a manly man! That's why I said I was gonna do it. All right, all right, Murph, Murph, Murph, listen up. Look look, hold on, hold on. We're missing the most important fact... Now. How are we gonna get that bag back? No, but seriously, I'm the one that actually saved the CPR doll. Step aside! I don't think I can. I don't think this is the time for Batman to relinquish his hold because when we roleplay I'm Batman and you're Robin. But I don't wanna be Robin! I'm Batman! and I don't wear tights! Do you mind? She's really hurt. I think she's really hurt. Nah man, she's faking it. Trust me, I know. What are we gonna do? I don't know, Murph. We have to think of something! Well that went really far back there. It's a miracle. Mm, chocolate. Oh no, the bag! Come back here! Okay now, take it easy. We just wanna take you in nice and easy. That's about it, you know? Right. You gotta get out of here right now. Good luck! Stop right there! Whoah, whoah, whoah. Miss Oterro. Oh, no no no no. Miss Oterro, I'm sorry. Hi, how are you? Okay, fine, look, I'll let you go and you won't have to go to detention... What, detention? - Come on Miss Oterro. - If you can tell me what color is your bag. It's red. In Espaol. What? - Eh, kung fu movie, huh? - What up, what up? Hey, what up? I think it's rather nice. Oh! Oh! Bam, what what what? Let's go. Ro? Ro? Oh Miss Oterro, come on. The bag's right? You know what? Fine, just go, get out of here then. Oh now you speak English. No, stop him! No, gentlemen. Miss Oterro, we really... We just gotta get. Miss Oterro, Miss Oterro. Please let us handle this. You ready? Oh yes. Ayayay. There he is, there he is! Go, go, go, go! We got you now. You're going down. Oh he missed the door. We gotta get him, go go go! Go, go, go, go! There we go! Boom, ha! Oh, easy, you are one fast little boy. Quint wants you and we got you. Oh, it's over, so over. Your little bag too, Bauer. I can see it now. You guys are so screwed. Murph? I think she's looking at us. How'd she get up the stairs? Vroom! Vroom, vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Go! Oh, shhh. Wheels! Stop, no, stop! Stop! Well, Mr. Bauer. Fancy meeting you like this. Don't fight it, Bauer. It ain't worth the trouble. You guys don't have to be so rough, you know. Well what do we have here? A straw. - Probably not important. - Meh. Toss it. Look, I know what you guys were trying to do when you took this job, all right? And that is? You've just replaced one bully for another. Shut up. You have no idea what you're talking about. Mr. Bruce Benjamin Bauer. So. This is the little weasel who thinks he's above the law. Above the law? Me? Oh, I mean, Mr. Quint, I've never done anything wrong. I mean yeah maybe you know, I'm not perfect, but, You're almost as bad as your little girlfriend was. Tell me, Bruce, I seem to have forgotten. What was her name again? Scarlet. Ah, yes. Scarlet O'Neil. It seems just like yesterday that she was in this very room standing in that same spot, acting all sweet and innocent, begging for mercy. Before I expelled her! Well that's all very interesting Miss O'Neil but unfortunately, it's not what the records say. What do you have to say for yourself, Miss O'Neil? I'm sorry I didn't mean to... Well that's enough Miss O'Neil, I've made up my mind. I've deliberated long and hard - and someone - What? has to take the fall. Someone needs to be made an example of. So think of yourself as very special. What does that mean? You. Expelled, out! You're finished here. You're like the nips in Nakasaki, gone. Out! No! You want me to put it another way, good. Finished, out of here, gone. However you wanna put it, you're no longer here. Do you understand that? Gone, gone! Stop crying Miss O'Neil, it'll be all right. I hear there's lots to do in North Dakota. She didn't deserve what you did to her. Maybe not. But there's one person who does. You. I've observed you wandering around the school on my video cameras. And now I even have this bag of evidence that will put the final nail in your coffin. Brace yourself, Mr. Bauer. This is where the fun begins. Idiots! We don't have the bag, we don't have the supplies. We don't have the supplies, we can't start the war! We can't start the war. We are so, Chuck! Vic. What's the problem? We lost the bag. Uh, wrong, we lost Bruce. We still have the bag. We still have the bag? We still have the bag. How? Simply put, I went to the locker and switched the bags. So we still have the bag? We still have the bag. We still have the bag! We still have the bag! Let's get to work. Mr. Quint, since you obviously don't have anything on me except for my dirty underwear, sorry, it's been a long week. I guess I'll just be going, right? I mean I should be going to class. Oh you think you beat me? Well. According to my records, you've been late 91 times! Oh, 91 times. And correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Bauer but that's grounds for expulsion! You're gonna expel me? I have something worse in mind for you. You are going to spend every day from now until the time you graduate with me after school in detention! That is assuming of course that you do graduate. No, no, no, you can't do that. You're going to learn, Mr. Bauer that there's very little that I can do. And when I'm done putting my personal touches on your file, the next time you see the inside of a school, you'll be sweeping it. And if you don't believe me, try asking your little girlfriend Scarlet. Get him out of here. I'll see you after school. Oh thank god. What happened? I got detention for the rest of my life. Oh. That's bad. Yeah, got a plan. Oh. Well that's good. Mr. Quint. Kind of just frankly, we wanna know. What the hell was that? Murph! What did you just say? What Murphy meant, what he really meant was was that really called for? Bruce deserved to be punished, yes, but to that degree? Community service, detention, I mean, he did make us chase him all over school. Quit chattering like a bunch of dolphins next to a fish bucket and get with it. You forged official records, sir! You're questioning my methods? No, no, no sir. No, I mean we're team players. I wanna be on the same level. Listen. We are a team, aren't we? Yes. Of course we are. And you know what they say about teams? At all. There is no I in teams. - So true. - It's true. T-E-A, There are two Is in the word idiot! You're fired! Now. Get out of here. No, no, no, no. That's not what I, it wasn't, no, no. Bye. And Nana always said I was too fragile for public school. Well, as the French say, adios. Oh, this is all your fault. My fault, how is it my fault? Yes, if you were nearly half as intelligent as me we would not be in this predicament today. Excuse me, who got left back in the fifth grade? Huh, huh, not me! You're gonna bring that up? You know that was a really hard time for me. I was going through the loss of my nana's husband. Oh boo hoo hoo hoo. You've got to be out of your mind. A minute ago, those two were part of the problem. Yeah, and now they're gonna become part of the solution Part of the solution? Yeah. It's not my fault my legs aren't as freakishly long as yours! Freakishly long? My nana says I have beautiful legs. Fuck your Nana. You son of a bitch! Swanson, Murphy! You mind coming with me? What's next, shmageggis, both of them. Haha, well look who it is. The guy who made us lose our careers. You know what Bauer, you can stick it. Stick it on real far. Up in there, Bauer. 'Cause nothing or nobody's gonna make us go anywhere with you. Nothing, nada nobody. Huh? All right Bruce, this place is clear of all cameras. But let's just make this quick before a chem class comes in, all right? Big guy? All right guys. I'm here to ask for your help. Pff. Pshh. Pshh. Look. I know all you guys were trying to do was help. But instead you became the bullies that you hate. In fact, you allied yourself with the biggest bully of them all. At least under Quint, we were making a difference. Yeah I mean, without Quint we're nothing. You guys are not nothing! I think you two should stop putting yourselves down. Look, for a few hours you guys had everything you want. Then Quint reached out and tore it away from you. Anyone should know what that feels like, it's me. That's why I'm asking you to help me take down Quint once and for all. Quint? You want us to help you take down Quint? Take down who? Who, who, who? Are you out of your crazy mind? Yeah next we'll hop on our magic carpet and go to lollipop land. More dirty laundry? Oh, I could still taste it. Open the bag, numbnuts. All right. But I'm not being held responsible for what happens next. Straws, spitballs? I knew you were up to something, Bauer, I knew it! Gentlemen. I give you Operation Last Straw. Oh. So tell me, what's to stop me and Murph from going to Quint right now and ratting you out? Yeah, what's to stop us, wait why would we go to Quint? Because, cause, if we go to Quint, we might get our old jobs back. Ah yeah. So I ask you, what's stopping us? Nothing. I'm giving you everything you need to get back with Quint. If you do that, nothing changes. He'll eventually bully and abandon you again. But if you come with me, you guys can clean up the school the way you want. And you could put order and discipline back into this school. Not as Swanson and Murphy the hall monitors, but as Swanson and Murphy the hall heroes. I like heroes. Well, me and my cohort here were discussing, We're in! Not in those threads you're not. Boys, we got the tools and now we got the talent! Awesome! We're friends now! At 1500 hours, we go to war. Yes sir! I think my balls just dropped. Absolutely badass. Sniveling little pukes crying their little eyes out. You want something done right you do it yourself. You. Look at them all behaving like a little bunch of ruffians. Who do they think they are? It's anarchy. What? Get back in class. Who restores order? Me. Wolfgang Quint. Sheriff. Major. General. The man, yes, the man. The man who restored order. Whatever, you, So. I give you credit for having some guts. But I'll give you to the count of three before you all become accustomed to a new word. Expelled. One! Two! Mr. Bauer. Just as I thought. Not flying under the radar any longer, are we? You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this one, Quint. Oh and look who you have with you. Tweedledee and Tweedledumber. You're in violation of Code C, Section Four, sir. Fraud, forgery, and abuse of power. Serious charges come with serious penalties. Enough to get you fired. We can do this one of two ways, Quint. A, you come with us down to Principal Kelly's office and you confess to all of your crimes. Really? Let's try option B. B? We humiliate you, punish you, and then take you down there anyway. So what's it gonna be, Quint? A or B? Well. What do we have here? The rejects from Arts and Crafts. The cream of the crop. Well I've seen better heads on pimples. It reminds me of my days herding preschoolers in the reject school. But you're all going to figure out one thing. There's two types of people in this world. Those who make the rules and those that get in my way. And you are all in my way! Gentlemen, ladies. Aim. Fire! He's retreating! I've been hit. Mother. No. So that's how it's gonna go down, huh? Well that's how they wanna play it. They're not going to get me without a fight. Where'd he go? Oh no, the window's open. Oh man, oh man! This is not good. How'd he get in there? You're gonna find out that I'm like a bad rash. I don't go away. Outside, move, move, move! Looking for me? So. Who wants first place in the asskicking competition? You do! I'll settle for second. Fire! Gonna need more shot guns! That's enough, Pancho Villa. One two! Boom! Woohoo! Come on! No. Ugh! Ugh! No! Moving up, moving up, come on! Could use that gun right about now, babe. Babe, where's that gun? Where's that gun babe? Almost ready babe. Babe, what are you putting on makeup for? We're getting killed out here in the battle right now. I want to look good for the war. Vic, where's that gun, where's that gun, come on? Fighter! You ready? Say goodbye mad Quint! Screw you, screw it! Now take it, take it, take it! Ah, yippe kie yay mother! Yeah, yeah, Destiny, give it to him, give it to him! Time for plan D. Where you going? Come on! Where you guys going? Come on, get back here! What's plan D? Oh boy. Hello, Chico. Meet the man. He got hit! No! Well we don't have to, we're not obliged. True. It's our duty. We have to help him. All right. I love you, man. I love me too. That's why you're going first. No! Swanson. No. Can you move? No, Murph. I can see stars. It's getting so dark. I couldn't take a, So dark. Swanson, Murphy. You chose your friends poorly. This time it'll cost you. Three down. One to go. Bauer! Well, well, well. Well, Mr. Bauer. I guess this is what they call the climax. So this is how it ends. Well I'm here to tell you that I'm rewriting this little parable. You see this is when Goliath defeats David. And when you get to taste the cold steel of discipline, I suggest you close your eyes for this, Mr. Bauer. That way I can always say I showed you mercy at the end. I wanna be able to tell my Scarlet, Quint, that I defeated you as the Bruce that she knew and not the one that you made me become. Defiant to the end. Have it your way. I guess that'll teach you to mess with the Dean of Discipline. Wolfgang. Quint! What the hell is going on here?! Principal Kelly. Help me. I need to make a report. I have a child, a student laid on the floor. And you, what the hell happened to your clothes? Mr. Quint just went nuts and has been chasing me around the entire school. No, Principal Kelly. And he nailed me in the face and I just wanna get out of here. Can you please get him off me please? You lying little sack of... What the hell is the matter with you? You, you're crazy. Get into my office! That's right, I am crazy. Crazy for that little Bruce Bauer! Certifiable, Quint. Shut up! These kids are just crazy! Ooh. I'm sorry. I'll pay for that. Students of Robert Hobdy High, this is Principal Kelly speaking. Just a few announcements. The third floor is still closed as it goes through our fully expected routine annual sterilization and maintenance cleanup procedure. So please go about your day as if nothing happened at all. In completely unrelated news, Mr. Quint has stepped down as Dean of Discipline after what he feels is an overwhelming improvement in the school's behavior. Way to go, guys. Oh these kids in their wheelchairs! I'd like to commend hall monitors Swanson and Murphy for their excellent work. They truly are hall heroes. Thank you and please have a nice day. All right guys, we're back. I'm Swanson! I'm Murphy! And this is your five minute warning. So we all ask that you please move to your nearest classroom at your soonest convenience 'cause as you all know, We love you guys. And of course we have plans. Chess club tonight! - Woo! - Woo. This is discipline. Excuse me. - Bruce! - Hey guys. Bauer! Bauer! Vic the Slick. Mr. Murphy. Mr. Swanson. And of course, the man that made all this possible. Seor Bruce. Thank you, thank you so much. Ever since the little insurrection against Quint, business has been booming. Hey, hey, hey hey. I know what you're thinking, but no. It's all educational materials now. Vic the Slick has gone straight. When were you gay? Anyway, Bruce, since we gotta thank you, we might have got you a little something. Let's just say that Vic the Slick can not only get anything, he can get anyone too, mhmm. What'd you guys get me? She's been waiting a long time for you, Bruce. Scarlet? Bruce. Fricking beautiful. Whoah! I love happy endings. I do too babe. From you. You ready? I was born ready. All right, next class, in you go. - Let's go move! - Hey guys, come on! Go go go go! I told you that I would clean up the school. Important announcement. Janitor Quint, please report to the men's bathroom with your mop and bucket. The toilets have overflowed again. You're gonna need a bigger bucket. And back by popular demand, Salisbury steak tacos. Fuck! I just wanna dance. Right. Back to work. |
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