I'm telling you no.
Talk it over inside.
Come on, break it up now.
If I have anymore trouble up there,
I'll bust somebody in the head!
...why he gets to see the kids every week!
You big liar!
Now the point we're making...
You know, Counselor, there's an old saying:
"There are three sides to every story:
"Yours, his, and the truth. "
Mr. Keefer here said nothing but that, truth.
As he sees it.
Never saw a case yet
where the fault was all one side.
So let's try to compromise.
Your Honor, my client is convinced
there's no hope.
You see, what we're dealing with here
isn't a sick marriage, it's a dead one.
What am I, the undertaker?
- Now on Page 9 of the second deposition...
- 6:00.
6:00, gentlemen. Awful lot to cover still.
- I suggest we resume 9:00 a. m.
- Okay with me.
- Why 9:00 a. m.?
- We have no choice.
Mrs. Keefer, could I have a word with you?
- Sure.
- And you, too, Mr. Keefer.
- Over here.
- Me?
You'll excuse us, please, the rest of you?
Well, I don't do this very often.
- Once in a while.
- Okay to smoke in here?
Well, I suppose it is now.
- Go ahead, Mrs. Keefer.
- She doesn't smoke.
I gave it up.
You agree with your Mr. Jenner,
about this marriage is dead?
I think so.
What about you?
I don't know what I think by now.
How did you two happen to meet?
- What's the difference?
- Wasn't anything special.
We just...
We happened to...
- Just a pickup.
- It was not!
Okay, it was not.
- Where?
- Central Park.
That's right, Central Park.
It was one summer,
and I had this friend George Bastian...
and we had a habit
of every Saturday afternoon...
sometimes Sundays,
to go over in the park and horse around.
Play a game of ball,
get a rowboat, pitch pennies.
But this one day, we happened
to be walking along having a discussion...
and we were figuring this idea
back and forth...
about the post office, see,
where both of us worked.
And we were real engrossed,
like you get on scientific subjects.
The next thing you know, two girls
come walking right through between us.
So we looked them over, and George says,
"Bet you $1 they look back. "
So I said, "Bet!"
- So, sure enough, they looked back!
- We did not!
I remember paying him $1!
Then George gets this idea
to cut around this other path...
and run, see, very fast up
and around past them.
I didn't want to do it, but he drags me,
practically, over a hill there.
I don't go in for that kind of kid stuff,
but George, that's how he is.
I couldn't talk him out of it,
and I couldn't hold him back.
So, on the other side, sure enough,
there they were, giving us the eye.
And we come right through between them.
But we kept right on walking.
We never looked back at all.
It so happens I remember it different.
That's how it was.
Then George says to do it again.
So we go racing around, and by this time
we figured they must have been going crazy.
We just sort of kidded them along
as if we knew them.
As if we weren't wise
to the whole gag all along!
- And again we didn't look back.
- We neither.
But by this time, I got a good look at them
and they looked nice...
you know, regular,
not just a couple of ordinary girls.
I don't remember exactly
what happened next.
But next thing you know,
we're all standing around talking.
Then George,
right away with the address book.
That's the kind of a guy he was.
And I said to him, "Put it away. "
But no, he keeps trying to date them up.
That George, he has no resistance.
So then we started going around together,
the four of us, two couples.
I remember once
we drove out to Long Island...
to this drive-in movie place.
Around about now
we got to be pretty friendly with each other.
We tried switching dates
on different nights...
but the way it seemed to jell was
George with Marian and Florence with me.
I remember I drove out, but he drove back.
To tell you the truth,
that was the way I had it figured.
I used to enjoy telling her
all my troubles at the post office.
And it was right there, that night,
in Florence's hallway...
the subject came up.
The subject about getting married, I mean.
- I didn't bring it, she brought it.
- How?
By you saying:
"How come a fellow like you
isn't even married?"
"What are you waiting for,
the boss's daughter?"
I remember laughing, 'cause I thought
it was pretty cute at the time.
But anyways,
we got talking about it pretty serious...
and I started in explaining something
about my theory I had at that time.
My theory was, I didn't want to get married.
I didn't have anything against it,
but it was no good for me at that time, see?
I'd just gotten into the Civil Service then
making $2,300, so how could I get married?
The next thing I know,
I'm in Atlantic City on a honeymoon. Mine!
I kept thinking down there,
all the time to myself:
"What are you doing down here?
You can't afford it. "
It so happens
the whole honeymoon was a wedding gift...
of my sister Joan and her husband,
Howard L. Shipley.
That's what I'm saying, I couldn't afford it.
He could afford to give it,
but I couldn't afford to take it.
So then, by luck, we get
this apartment in Peter Cooper Village...
So then, by luck, we get
this apartment in Peter Cooper Village...
and we started up in housekeeping.
Wasn't much keeping to do,
one table and one chair.
There were three chairs
and quite a lot of furniture.
In fact, the bedroom was nearly completed.
Not that we ever used it much,
with his crazy job and the crazy hours.
Wouldn't exactly call
the Post Office Department crazy.
I remember the first morning at 5:45...
- Ringing.
- What?
It's ringing.
I just shut it off.
- Well, I hear it.
- I just shut it off.
What time is it?
Go to sleep, honey.
Gotta get up.
No, you don't.
- Gotta.
- Why?
I wanna be a good wife.
You can be a good wife later,
when I come home.
- Breakfast?
- I'll grab something. Automat.
You think so?
But look, you don't want to sleep too late...
'cause isn't this the day
they're coming over?
- Who over?
- The luncheon.
- Joan and your mother and my sister?
- Holy smoke, I think so.
- So get up sometime, huh, baby?
- That's right.
Get up sometime, but not 6:00.
Well, look who's here!
Hey, what do you know!
Why, you don't look more
than 10 years older!
Hey, look at the potbelly already!
I told you to watch out
for that home cooking.
Nothing so disgusting
as good, plain, home cooking.
Okay!
Oh, I wish I was single again
I wish I was single again
For when I was single,
my pockets would jingle
I wish I was single again
I married a wife, oh then
A guy gets married,
all his friends turn comedians.
- What is that?
- Hey, touchy, too!
Naturally, from all that loving,
honoring and obeying.
We heard that old saying about:
"Two can live as cheap as one,"
providing one don't eat.
All right, come on, fellows!
- Come on.
- Let's do it.
All kidding aside,
we got a little thing here for you.
- It's not much, but...
- Listen, you didn't have to!
Something you'll be able to use
every night when you go home.
Here you are, Chet. From everybody here.
Thanks, fellows, very much.
What are these?
Ear stoppers! You never use them?
You're gonna need them now, boy.
Look, you just stick them in, just like that,
and you got peace.
It's the only way you'll ever get it now.
Go on, Benny, come on.
Just a gag, Chet. Here's the present.
You don't have to open it.
It's a wallet, genuine alligator,
and it cost plenty, too.
There she is!
- Mama!
- Well, here I am.
You're the first company
in this whole apartment.
Isn't it beautiful?
Well, now I got two married daughters
with two homes.
Well, Joan's is gorgeous.
But isn't this something?
Of course, you realize it isn't finished yet.
The bedroom, you want to look in?
What's this? Modern?
Beds are delivered next week.
Can't hurt yourself falling out of bed
or anything.
Yeah, you could tripping over.
Well, it's kind of transient looking,
but lovely.
We're gonna have two bureaus. Unpainted.
Chet's very handy with a paint brush.
Artistic. He's gonna paint his a light green,
and mine a light pink.
Why light, pray?
Wait a minute,
I have to look at something on the stove.
Mama!
The kitchen!
I'm giving us pork chops for lunch.
Joan likes them.
- You like them, too, don't you?
- Lf they're reliable.
- And Emily likes any old thing.
- She looks it.
- Listen, Mama, none of that.
- None of what?
I made up my mind,
this is gonna be one family...
without all the in-laws
always biting at each other.
Emily is Chet's sister and I love her.
And so do you.
I am not going to love anybody
who's married to a butcher.
Pat is a very fine person,
and you love him, too...
- The same as her.
- I do, do I?
- Yes, you do.
- Well, that's very nice of me.
- What's that?
- A present, I guess.
I don't think we bought anything that shape.
You never know.
They wrap things up so crazy.
Can you afford a radio as expensive
as this one looks like to me?
No, but Mr. Clarence F. Dow can.
- Who?
- You know, my old boss.
I didn't remember he had an "F" in him.
The least he could do is a generous gift,
after all I took from him.
Took what?
Isn't this gorgeous!
A cigarette box!
- Is it real leather?
- From the girls at the office.
"When you light up at the end of the day...
"think of Edie and Marian...
"and Gloria and Min and Charlotte and Mae. "
Yeah, you know if that's real leather,
it costs something. Smell it.
It's real leather!
- How are things going, Ed?
- No strain.
- Hey, Chet. Up here!
- Hi, boy!
- Welcome to our city.
- How are you, George?
Fine. And you?
No change.
- How's Florence?
- Fine.
- How come you don't look no different?
- Why should I?
- Or maybe you ain't adjusted yet?
- I'm adjusted.
In fact, I never had it so good.
- I got something to go for now, after all.
- Yeah? Like what?
Like getting someplace,
like a family man should.
Yeah, I can see you're adjusted, all right.
I got figuring something the other day.
To make good, you don't have
to be smart all your life.
You only have to be smart
for about 10 seconds, that's all.
What do you mean, 10 seconds?
This guy who thought up the idea
of the windshield wiper.
All right, how long did it take him
to think it up?
Ten seconds, maybe less.
From then on, everything rolls, or anything.
The telephone, or the subway.
Cellophane.
Or even take the wheel.
Whoever thought up the wheel?
- I bet it didn't take more than 10 seconds.
- Boy, married life's sure made you deep.
Anyway, that's the sort of lines
I'm thinking along.
Three, four years you'll be
bald-headed, or gray-haired, or both.
- See you, George!
- Don't take any wooden 10 seconds!
- Sorry. What were you saying, Emily?
- Nothing.
If you hadn't given up your job,
the house would be a mess.
- Now, this chop is tender.
- Good, Mama.
So speak to your butcher,
or don't speak to him, how you feel.
Joan don't have to be late all the time,
does she?
Mine were both good.
- Was it grand at Atlantic City?
- Was it!
How's it I've never been?
Because everybody gets in a rut.
Take me, a rut.
But down there in Atlantic City...
I got into quite a lot of thinking,
you know what I mean?
I don't mean just stewing around,
I mean thinking.
And to tell you the truth,
I was surprised how enjoyable it was!
Well, you take most people, including me...
they hardly ever get to do any thinking,
when do they get the time?
If you do get the time,
there's the movies or the radio...
or you play a game of cards,
but no thinking.
Down there it was my first chance in
I don't know how long...
and I've made up a rule, I'm gonna do
at least a half hour of thinking...
every day, all by myself. Just quietly.
What are you gonna think about?
I don't know, everything.
Let me know how you make out.
I may try it myself.
Here, take my knife, Mama, it's sharper.
I could go the world over,
Atlantic City would be my greatest place.
That salt water taffy was nice,
but there was no salt water in it.
Mrs. Finney said she thought so, either.
- It's great, though.
- It pulls your fillings.
Say, what's Joan have to be so late about?
- Don't you like a piano in a room?
- How about some curtains?
Where did I read in the paper somewhere,
about curtains made out of...
comic papers stuck on unbleached
muslin, with borders made of Scotch Tape?
Give me back my own knife, will you?
I kind of got used to it.
That's her.
Hi. I got caught in all the traffic.
Hello, Mama.
You remember Emily, don't you?
Chet's sister?
- Sure, from the wedding.
- Hi, Joan.
How's your cute husband?
- Cute.
- We started.
What a darling room!
We're keeping yours hot out here.
I just adore that kind of a couch!
- What kind is it?
- Sit down, Joan.
We're using your silver. Beautiful!
- The knives could be sharper.
- How's Howard?
I guess he got our postcards okay.
- Why Jell-O, pray?
- It's great for you.
We were studying this book
they gave away at Atlantic City...
turns out
it's the healthiest thing you can eat.
You can't beat fruit.
Chet says you never have to be sick at all,
if you watch it.
He says, "We are what you put in you. "
You know what I mean?
Like if you stick to only healthy food,
you'll turn out healthy yourself.
Chet's terribly smart about stuff.
I mean, he really thinks.
Like last night, he says:
"Why do we have to blow our noses?
A dog never does. "
What time last night?
You see, trouble is,
just aren't enough promotions to go around.
- Have a sourball?
- No, thanks, I just had lunch.
Lots of energy in these things.
Here, Joe, take this.
What was I saying?
- About there aren't enough.
- Not by a long shot!
The only thing,
when I filed for Equipment Inspector...
I wasn't married then.
Do I have to make out another one now?
No, that's all right.
- Thought maybe there was a difference.
- Here, Jack, the 3:00.
Only difference is you may have
a tougher time getting set for the exam.
- Why?
- What with your wife and all.
She's even going to help me.
Lots of night work. You know what I mean.
It's the kind of night work
a man's wife isn't likely to appreciate.
Yeah? Well, thanks, Mr. Newhouse.
I said to him it'll be easier, not harder,
because my wife's gonna help me, in fact.
- I will, too.
- I know it, honey.
That's some beautiful wallet, all right!
Not even gonna use it,
that's how much I like it.
- For a special occasion, you could.
- That's what I said.
People are certainly very nice.
Honey, which of these are mine?
You got any idea?
The ones with the little ribbons tied on it.
- They're yours.
- Yeah, I see.
Wouldn't it be better to put the ribbons
on yours? More appropriate?
- Why?
- I don't know.
Oh, no, I never thought.
Maybe someday we'll be so rich
we can afford two glasses.
It wouldn't surprise me.
Joan reminded me of something,
my mother, too...
that if not for the mumps
we never even would have got together.
- What's mumps got to do?
- The ones I had that time.
- What time?
- Bermuda.
What's all this, Bermuda mumps?
We were lying in bed
looking at the Sunday papers...
and I happened to be looking
for the radio part...
Who did you say was in bed?
Both of us.
Yeah, that's right, you and who else?
- Joan. I said that, didn't I?
- No, you didn't.
- Well, that's who.
- Well, thanks.
So I was looking to see
what was on the radio when...
We're having some pretty natural noises
tonight, aren't we?
So I was reading the Sunday papers,
so I come across the travel part.
- I showed it to Joan, we got...
- Gonna get beer. Want anything?
...this Bermuda cruise. No.
Well, maybe a glass of milk, if any.
- First you brush your teeth, then drink beer?
- Ain't I the one?
- Keep talking, I can hear you.
- Then it got to be a whole thing.
We went down, we found out
it wasn't so much, so we decided.
And we bought the clothes
and this new luggage, all white.
And when Mr. Dow heard about it,
he gave me a bonus, $50.
- Who?
- $50.
- What?
- Clarence F. Dow, my old boss.
- What's he, one of these big-brother types...
- Thanks.
...or a big humanitarian
to good-looking blondes?
Never mind.
- I like to know these things.
- Why?
You know how it is
with bosses and secretaries.
- Well, some, but not me.
- You sure?
- What are you, jealous or what?
- Who?
Anyway, it's ancient history,
so save yourself.
Don't be telling me about these happy-Jack
old bosses throwing presents at you.
Anyway, about four days
before the boat went...
I'm all blown up like this.
Honey, don't do that.
- I'm only showing you.
- I know.
If you're a child or an infant,
mumps are nothing...
but if you're not, then something.
And if you're male,
worse than if you're a female, much.
Anyway, Joan says she's not going,
so I says she should, whether I or not.
So finally Gloria from the office
took over my ticket.
I don't think you ever met her, Gloria?
Her named used to be Stella
and she changed it to Gloria.
Can you imagine that?
Anyway, I was pretty miserable.
I remember at the last minute
I gave Joan this present...
and it was perfume. I mean, real perfume.
You looking for something?
It was a little box,
something the fellows gave me.
The wallet? It's right there.
No, not the wallet, it was a little box.
I'll find it. Go ahead.
And I remember
there was this card I wrote in it:
"Here's some expensive bait
to help you catch a rich one. "
And I just naturally meant it for a joke.
Twelve days later when she came back...
and she told me how she was engaged
to this Howard...
and how he was
this manufacturer from Newark...
honestly, I don't know,
it was like supernatural.
I don't know it's so supernatural.
The guy manufactures
non-inflammable cleaning fluid.
So why is he supernatural?
I didn't say him, I said the way I predicted it.
Sure, you missed your notch, all right.
You should have been a tea-leaf reader.
But who knows where I'd be now
if not for the mumps and not going?
You know where? Right here.
Right here, sitting right here
pulling out your chin whiskers.
What makes you think?
Because fate, that's all. Just plain fate.
I never realized before you were a fatalist.
That's me, fatalist, private first class.
- You ready?
- I certainly am.
This day's been about three days long.
Sleep some extra tomorrow.
Gotta see that man about the beds.
- Yeah, well don't miss him.
- No.
Good night, honey.
- Sleep tight.
- You, too.
Say, honey?
You see this guy,
how about asking him about a double bed?
All right.
Wouldn't be too much more expense
or anything, would it?
- I don't think so.
- I don't think so, either.
So you wouldn't mind asking him,
would you?
Why should I?
Embarrassed or anything?
- Why should I?
- I don't know.
I guess I was thinking I'd be.
Say, honey...
You sleeping?
Nobody could say there was anything wrong
with the way it all started.
I mean, little things, but nothing.
What was the first trouble?
Remember? I don't.
Of course.
What was it about? Money, family?
Everything, mixed up into one.
Well, go ahead.
It was just consideration,
a question of consideration.
I didn't ever expect him to be interested
in only me and nothing else.
And maybe it was selfish
but I always thought I ought to come first.
And at first I did.
But, then it got to be ambitions
and making good...
and then even other people.
Another thing, it wasn't my fault
my sister married this well-to-do fellow.
It just happened that way,
but it always made him sore, Chet...
and he never wanted to see them.
Once, it was after
we were married about three years...
and we had Joey, came our big blowup.
We told you about Joey, didn't we?
Our boy?
Anyway, the blowup started
on account of Joan and Howard...
were going to Europe for a month...
and they had a big farewell party,
and they invited us...
and I wanted to go, but he didn't, Chet.
So we just talked the whole thing over...
and I said to him very calm, very quiet:
"Nobody's forcing you to go
if you don't want to, but after all...
"she's my sister, so I'll go myself. "
But he was mad he had to wear his tuxedo.
It was a dress-up affair.
No, but on account
of I was on late shift that week...
I knew I wouldn't have time
to go home and change...
and I knew what I'd have to take,
and boy, I took it!
And I don't like to mix into high society...
but you always did like it, you got to admit.
I admit, I stood and I waited,
and I just knew we were gonna be late.
I just knew it!
I told you 5,000 times
there was a breakdown...
and Newhouse gets in a whole lather,
excited, and everybody had to give a hand.
And just my luck,
he picks me to clean up the floor.
"Better get those up off the floor...
"before somebody comes in here
and breaks their neck. "
There must have been hundreds
of ball bearings there...
and it took a few minutes.
The guys, they're still giving me
the business...
and I know she's waiting on the corner.
I knew what time it was,
but what could I do?
Everything was piling up.
I wanted to go. I had to stick around.
I didn't want to get the tux dirty.
After I clean them up pretty good,
I start to take a powder.
So what happens?
There's another batch of bearings.
By rights I should have picked them up,
but I kicked them under a handtruck.
Anything, just to get out of there,
because I knew.
Twenty-five minutes I stood.
That hour, I couldn't get a cab.
I practically ran all the way up.
So then to try to make up for it,
he starts insisting to take a cab.
As if we had that kind of money
to throw around.
All day I'm figuring how to cut corners...
and all of a sudden
we're riding around in cabs!
So then all the way up Fifth Avenue,
she just clams up...
and I can't get a word out of her.
and I can't get a word out of her.
Then with all the excitement
and all the hollering...
it turned out
we were only about five minutes late...
and at that, we were the first ones there.
And, of course, I get the usual frosty hello
from that Howard.
And right away,
I started in feeling like a fish out of water.
They look us over like if we had a sign on
that said "Poor Relations. "
Why do you make up?
However they acted would have been wrong
as far as you're concerned.
Made me nervous.
I suppose that's why you
started drinking the cocktails...
like you thought they were celery tonic?
One drink, that's all I had, one drink.
I didn't even finish that, I didn't even like it.
Like I said to Howard:
"What's in here, some
of your non-inflammable cleaning fluid?"
But, of course, he can't take a joke.
Couldn't get him to crack a smile...
if you were Olsen and Johnson
and Martin and Louis put together.
A fish out of water, that's all I was.
You got into the water after a while,
didn't you?
I don't even know what you're talking about.
The way you were dancing
with that blockbuster!
What was I supposed to do?
I was just trying to be sociable.
Joan told me to dance, so I was dancing.
I was just following orders.
I just grabbed the first partner
I happened to see and started dancing.
I didn't know who she was.
I think she was Howard's mother.
Howard's mother!
If you'd just try to stick
to the truth for one minute!
The way I remember it, that's the truth.
- No, the way it was.
- So how was it?
It was like you thought you'd just invented
the whole idea of dancing for the first time.
I didn't want to go in the first place.
I was just miserable.
And that rumba exhibition!
I never saw anything so repulsive!
Where do you get rumba?
I never danced rumba in my whole life.
I don't even know how to.
You sure learned how to that night!
I certainly don't remember no rumba.
You don't seem to remember anything...
and when you do,
you remember it all wrong.
There's no point telling everything
if you tell it all mixed up...
like it wasn't instead of like it was.
What's the whole point?
I'll tell you. You weren't even interested
in what happened to me.
You just wanting to be the life of the party,
and me just wanting to leave.
Yeah, and then after when we went out
to the airport to see them off...
I wanted to go home.
All of a sudden I became a threesome.
Not how I remember it.
- Because you were so high by that time.
- I was low, not high.
You couldn't tell the difference
between me and her by then.
- Who?
- You know who, that big slinky one.
If that's your idea of taste...
I don't know how you ever
got together with me.
What I remember is how you got stubborn
and wouldn't come home.
Because I wanted to have a little talk!
A fine place for a talk,
with all those planes going...
What's the matter?
Nothing is the matter!
You sore about something?
Just like to get on that airplane...
and just keep on going and never stop,
that's all!
What did I do? Something wrong?
It all depends on what you call wrong.
If you think it's all right to behave
like some kind of...
...it's all right with me.
I didn't even know you knew words like that!
There's a lot you don't know!
Listen, what do you think
you're accusing me of, anyway?
You don't actually think I was trying to...
...do you?
Yes! In Macy's window!
Honey!
Honey.
Don't see what's so wrong
we can't talk it over.
When you're in a better condition to,
that's when.
I'm in a perfect condition to discuss and,
don't break the furniture...
discuss anything at all.
You want to wake up Joey?
You ever have one of those days...
when you couldn't seem
to do not one thing right?
Well, that's me today.
The first mistake I made
was getting up in the morning.
From then on, not one thing right.
Do you ever have it?
You didn't even kiss me goodbye
this morning.
Kiss who goodbye?
Too busy, having a big fit
over wearing your tux.
What tux?
Gonna leave them laying
there like that all night?
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna leave them
laying there like that all night, yes!
Perfectly all right with me!
So, I didn't kiss you goodbye this morning.
So shoot me at sunrise.
I'll make it up to you,
I'll kiss you goodbye tomorrow twice.
And keeping me waiting 25 minutes!
I suppose you'll do that
tomorrow twice, too.
What about the ball bearings
I didn't pick up I was supposed to?
Frankly, I don't even know
what you're talking about, frankly.
What if somebody trips
and breaks their necks?
Shoot me at sunrise!
You'd better have a glass of milk,
if you know what's good for you.
Two glasses, in fact!
If I knew what was good for me,
I wouldn't be me!
All swept up, Keefer?
Yes, sir!
Good, because the Postmaster General
of the United States...
Clarence F. Dow, your wife's old boss,
is paying us a little visit today.
Three cheers for the red, white and blue, sir!
Right this way, sir.
A little surprise for you.
We have a distinguished visitor
to look over your post office.
You don't say.
Just the President of the United States,
that's all.
Right in here, sir.
Gentlemen, this is
a peachy post office. Congratulations.
Watch your step, Mr. President!
Shoot him at sunrise!
Halt or we'll shoot. Halt!
Come back here!
Shoot him at sunrise!
Shoot him at sunrise!
No! Wait!
Wait!
Wait.
Please don't, wait.
Don't drink water! Milk!
- What happened?
- Terrible dream.
Like what?
- About the place and the ball bearings.
- What ball bearings?
I was supposed to clean up, but I didn't.
Everybody was sliding around,
just sliding and sliding.
Who?
And everybody was sliding around.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a second!
Chet, don't look funny!
- Florrie! Listen.
- What?
You know how I'm always saying...
you don't have to be smart all your life,
only 10 seconds?
Florrie, I don't know, but I think so.
What?
I think I just had my 10 seconds!
I think I thought of something great!
I may be wrong, but I don't think so!
But if I'm right, we're millionaires!
Florrie, don't talk to me a few minutes.
Give me some pencil and paper.
- Should I make coffee?
- Yeah, I think so.
What's the difference,
I may never sleep again!
That's why we could hardly wait
for you to get back!
Nobody's even so much
as laid eyes on it till today...
except Florence and George and me.
Three eyes, that's all, three pair.
This sort of thing's way out of my line.
You've got to get a patent lawyer.
They figure out
how you can protect yourself.
But that's why we decided to ask you.
See, we frankly need some financing.
With the new kid coming,
we're a little strapped.
And that's why.
Just what sort of a market would there be
for a thing like this?
- The best market there is. It's a kid thing.
- The surest way to get anything over...
- Is to make it a kid thing.
- Look at the Hop-a-Longs...
one of the biggest industries
in the country today.
- Why?
- Because it's a kid thing!
A man will spend, who knows,
anything, if it's for his kid.
He may not even buy himself a shirt.
Let him buy his kid something that
is bigger than anything any other kid...
- It's not only a kid thing.
- It's a sports thing!
And it's healthful!
What if a few kids fall, break a few legs?
Then you've got nothing
but lawsuits on your hands.
- All kinds of skis, skates.
- They're not full of lawsuits!
- But that's something tried and true.
- This is tried and true.
We tried it ourselves.
If you'd ever do it once yourself...
I didn't think much of it myself,
till I tried it myself.
I'm too old for this sort of thing.
Why do you always keep saying
you're too old?
Look, kitten, don't get mad.
Florence herself says it's a kid thing.
- Not only a kid thing.
- Come on, Howard, try it.
Okay.
Now listen, remember
not to mention about this to anybody.
- All right, don't get so wrapped up!
- I'm not wrapped!
Yeah, good, Howard, let's go.
Yeah, wait a minute now, be careful!
Let's go out here.
- Okay, all right.
- You can get the general idea.
Grab both my hands, that's it.
This is the way.
- Say, this is great, kitten!
- See?
Some sensation, huh?
Now, to stop,
just bend the ankle inward. See?
They might have quite a thing here, kitten!
Let go. Let me do it myself.
Water, get some water!
Talk about lawsuits,
you got one on your hands right now.
- Here.
- What's that?
- Pour it on him.
- Pour it on your own husband! You maniac!
Get out of here, I'm telling you,
both of you! Beat it!
Come on, Florence, let's go.
Kitten.
Our thing! That's our thing!
Why did that somebody else have
to wait till now to think of it, too?
What?
So, it's nobody's fault
you could put your finger at.
Just one of those breaks.
You get enough of those breaks,
next thing, you're beyond repair. That's us.
That doggone invention hadn't conked
on us, things would've been different.
We'd have been right on our feet
instead of on our...
Excuse me.
Are you saying that what broke things up
was not getting rich all of a sudden?
No, but...
Be surprised the number of people
with money come through here.
Bless you! It wasn't only that, it was
more like we're hard luck for each other.
- Did you love Florence?
- Yes.
- Sure?
- Sure.
How'd you know?
Well, she told me I did, and she was right.
Let me ask you, Florence,
what did you want out of marriage?
- What I didn't get.
- Such as?
I always thought if I ever got married...
the one thing I'd never be anymore
was lonesome.
But the funny thing, you can be it
even in the same bedroom with a husband.
He seems to be worrying and thinking
about different things except you.
But the different things were always for you.
The kind of love in books
and movies is not for people.
- You got to be more realistic.
- Why?
The one thing, Judge Carroll,
nobody can say I didn't try.
What I'm trying to locate here,
and I wish you'd help me...
is what makes you sure there's no hope?
We already told.
That you were in love, married,
and worked at it...
had a few spats and some bad luck
but what is it makes you incompatible?
Being married to each other.
That's all in the point of view.
What you choose to remember, how.
I remember a time, one summer,
my husband and I went on a holiday.
For some reason I remembered
the full moon and the quiet nights.
He only remembers the mosquitoes.
We went on a vacation once, too.
I don't know
if I remember mosquitoes exactly...
but I remember the two weeks,
Chet talking about how we couldn't afford it.
- We couldn't.
- Okay.
With two kids all of a sudden,
there was enough to worry.
The kids were the two of us, remember?
Not just me.
Somebody had to worry.
It was a whole thing
getting harder and harder to handle.
Stuck to the house all the time, practically.
It seemed like we were working
for the benefit of nothing...
but the obstetrician and the pediatrician.
- Had a lot of fun, though.
- I just know I was worrying all the time.
- Look, Ma, I'm painting, too.
- Look, honey.
- Put him in the playpen.
- Give me the brush.
No, Mom, Daddy, I want to help you paint.
I know you do...
but you're gonna help us better
by playing with Ellen.
You play with your little sister,
like a nice little boy.
You know the first time I knew
I could paint any good?
You got to work it into the corners more.
When I started painting my nails red.
Ma, could I stay up later than her tonight?
Ma, why can't I?
Because you...
Got to fix that. Tube's loose.
And send the bill to your great Mr. Dow.
That set was a lemon to start with.
Okay, folks!
The next big chance
to name the lucky tune goes to...
Mrs. Chester Keefer
of No. 9 Peter Cooper Road...
Gramercy 2-5000.
Oh, boy, lucky Mrs. Keefer.
Operator, are you putting
that call through right away? Thank you.
Ma! It's talking to you.
I do hope Mrs. Keefer is home.
We're just itching to give away $2,600
in behalf of our sponsors...
the makers of Amazing Cream for your skin.
It's ringing. There. Yes.
That our phone, Pop?
Are we the Keefer on the radio?
This will be a big night for the Keefers.
Pick it up!
Hello there. Anybody on the other end?
Say hello, can't you?
Hello.
A good evening to you!
Is this Mrs. Chester Keefer of No. 9...
Peter Cooper Road, Gramercy 2-5000?
- What?
- What do you mean, "what?"
Yes, I am.
Cigarette!
This may be your lucky night to win $2,600.
And I certainly do hope so.
Are you listening to Your Lucky Night?
Mrs. Keefer?
Yes, I am. I did.
I am.
That is fine, Mrs. Keefer.
Now, for $2,600...
we're going to play the lucky tune
for you to guess.
We'll give you 15 seconds to tell us the title.
Okay? Ready! Go!
- I think, I mean, it sounds like...
- What are you going to say?
- The Washington Post March.
- No, I'm telling you, no!
What then?
I'm almost sure, it's... We used to play it.
I'm sure it's Semper Fidelis!
I'm practically positive. Semper Fidelis!
Time's up!
Semper Fidelis!
I'm sorry, Mrs. Keefer. Better luck next time.
It was The Washington Post March.
But for your efforts the makers
of Amazing Cream for your face and skin...
"rub it on when your wrinkles begin... "
will send you the large deluxe size
as a gift from the manufacturers.
Thank you and good night.
Thank you.
"Rub it in when the wrinkles begin. "
Don't be surprised I never talk again.
Money you get that way
never does you any good.
Holy jumping! $2,600!
Listen, I bet by the time
they get through with that...
it wouldn't be over half of that.
And what's wrong with half of that?
And another thing,
it could have been Semper Fidelis.
None of that gaggle does me any good.
Me neither.
- You going to take a bath?
- Why? You want to?
- Go out, you'll catch a cold.
- No, I won't.
- What time did you tell Emily and Pat?
- Sure you will.
7:00.
- We don't want a cold for our anniversary.
- Okay.
How'd I know when to take a bath
before we got married?
Did you?
Maybe we should have splurged
on a regular babysitter.
That sister of mine
can be awful late sometimes.
You know what I hear they have great
at Toffenetti's? Their baked potatoes.
How about wearing a pair of stockings
not got a mend in them for our anniversary?
Like you were my girl, not wife.
If I was your girl, how would you know
if I had a mend in my stockings, Mr. Fresh?
Do you think I should shave?
I did this morning.
Yeah, our anniversary
and wearing your tux and all.
And shave fast.
I don't want to rush through
a Toffenetti dinner the one time I get to go.
Toot-sweet.
I'd have thought Mr. Dow
would have taken you to Toffenetti's...
- A couple of times.
- What?
Clarence F. Dow, your old boyfriend.
I mean, boss.
- Honestly!
- And truly.
If you're so anxious to get jealous,
I'll give you a list.
I'd give you a list, too,
only there's so many, I forgot most of them.
Okay, Don Juan, shave your face.
What time is it?
You think maybe we ought to take a cab?
It's almost 7:00.
I mean, it's no economy
to eat a swell dinner fast...
- Then ruin the effect of our stomach.
- What did you say?
- I'm treating us to a cab.
- Since when did you get so manly?
What time did you get the table
at the Latin Quarter for?
11:30. Show starts around midnight or so.
That's them.
Next time, regular babysitters.
Wait a minute. I'm getting in my dress.
Happy New Year!
At your service!
Mr. And Mrs. Pat Bundy. Babysitters, Inc.
Glad to sit on any baby in town!
- You're not kidding, are you?
- Come on, straighten out.
Never been more straighten
in my life, buster.
- Happy birthday!
- Who said anything about a...
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Florence and Chet
Happy birthday to you
That's it.
Quiet!
Just four years ago this minute, at 11:14...
the two of us became one of us.
- Honey.
- What's the matter?
- You sorry you married me?
- I was thinking suppose I never met you.
You couldn't avoid me.
I'd have kept on meeting, till I met you.
We now take you to the Latin Quarter!
Hey, Mom!
Hey, kid, let's go!
The butcher shop was never like this.
I'm coming at you.
- I told you he was a good dancer.
- Yeah, he's great.
You want to bet?
Mom, I thought you and Pop were going out
to get married.
I'll take him.
Anyway, Judge Carroll,
for the next few years there...
everything went along pretty all right,
didn't it?
How should I know?
Between the job and home,
and raising the kids up...
the best I was, was punchy.
I didn't know if things were going good
or going bad.
They were just going, that's all.
Then the next thing came
that Declaration Day.
Yeah, last year.
Declaration Day.
Declaration Day.
Ma, can I wear my bathing suit?
Then I'll be all ready. Could I?
You want to ride home
in a wet bathing suit? Do you?
Could I, Ma? I want to be cool.
I don't care if I freeze to death.
- Can I?
- What happened to the pickles, Chet?
Wear your overalls.
With the salt and pepper
where I'm putting the eggs.
I never get to do one thing I ever want to.
Not one thing!
Miss Misery, get going
or we'll drive away without you.
- You would not!
- And your red sneakers, remember?
My red sneakers?
Come on, fellas! Let's go, fellas!
It's getting late. Come on, let's go!
Look! A squirrel!
I saw it, Ma! I saw a squirrel!
I saw the first squirrel of anybody.
I got a book about a squirrel and I read it...
and the squirrel's name was Squirrel Nutkin.
Ma, would you be scared if you saw a bear?
If he came out and stood in the road,
what would you do, Ma?
- What do you think you would?
- I'd ask him what he's advertising.
Ma, the blanket! Everyone's looking at me!
Do you like ants, Ma?
At home I don't, but aren't they different
out here in the woods?
Ants are all right if they mind
their business, but not in my food.
- I think this one's a father ant.
- Could I have one without dirt in it?
This one's only got pine needles.
Everyone's supposed to eat a peck of dirt.
Brush them off, Joey.
I wish I could live in the woods, Pop.
Why couldn't we?
I know how to light a fire with no matches,
rub two pieces together.
- Want to see me?
- Why does that make a fire?
In a minute it'll start.
Watch for smoke, Ma. Just watch.
- Come on, Joey, let's go swimming!
- I'm coming, too, okay?
Only to the edge, Joey. You just ate!
- Can you make fire, Pa?
- It's too hot for fire. Take a cupcake.
- You know what I bet would be a great idea?
- What?
Flavored postage stamps.
What do you mean "no"?
Just 'cause you didn't think of it,
or that other great mind, George Bastian?
No, because where's the return?
Who likes to lick stamps? Nobody.
But if it's clover, mint, or spearmint,
why not?
Can you charge more for it if it's flavored?
Would you?
I what?
- Pay 4 for a three-cent if it was?
- Gladly.
All right, so even if you did, which I doubt...
- Who'd get the money? The government.
- So?
I like to figure something
how I can get some.
All right, but if not money...
an idea like that could get you someplace
in the Post Office Department.
- Get me canned for being a nut, probably.
- Don't be surprised if I work on it.
You do that, honey.
Where's the mother?
- Joey! In the water!
- He's not there, he's down in the water.
Joey, in the lake, in the water!
Oh, my God! Joey!
Here, Florence.
Come on.
What's the use?
I mean, after all, this is a thing we...
A whole year ago that was,
and I still can't believe it.
I don't know how we lived through it.
Maybe we didn't.
A thousand times we think
we can't live through a thing...
and somehow we do.
- One thing I know is, I can't much more.
- Me neither.
Of course...
that's the easiest thing to do.
Give up.
- We tried, Judge Carroll, like we told you.
- I'm sure you did.
It wouldn't work.
Why not?
It's a thing you got to believe in...
and I guess,
Florence just stopped believing in it.
- That true, Florence?
- I don't know.
I know I got all tired out.
But that's not a permanent condition, is it?
He's tired out, too, Judge Carroll.
And he's right, what he said.
So, okay if we go now?
So it was last summer you lost the boy.
What about since then?
You want to? Go ahead.
I don't know what...
The thing with Joey,
I don't think we ever really got over that.
For a while there near the beginning
I just couldn't get it through my head.
Like, one day, it must have been
about a month after...
I was starting home from work...
and on the street,
a guy was selling these toys.
I thought to myself,
"I bet Joey would like that. "
They were only 65, so I took a flyer.
I just couldn't get it through my head, see?
So I bought this thing
and I started to walk away.
And all of a sudden I stopped...
and I remembered
what I was going home to...
and who was there and who wasn't.
So I started back to the guy to give it back,
the thing.
I didn't care about the money,
but I didn't want to have it.
But all of a sudden, it seemed wrong
to give it back, so I went again.
And I was thinking all kinds of crazy things,
like maybe it was a mistake...
and maybe the kid that got drowned
wasn't Joey, by the lake.
Maybe he was just lost or something...
and I thought of getting on the train
and going there to look for him.
I don't know, I admit it wasn't sensible...
but nothing I was doing around that time
was sensible.
Boy, I thought I'd never get out
of that hospital.
And it was sure great for Florence, too.
Every day, two, three times.
- You ever hear me complain?
- I didn't say that.
- I said I appreciated it.
- I know you appreciated it.
So, all right.
So, all right.
And if that wasn't tough enough...
the doctor makes me go
to Hudson Convalescent Home...
up there near Brewster.
And he says I got to stay there a month.
So naturally we can't get together,
only except on Sundays.
So then one time, the big subject came up...
about her going back to work.
It was funny, I was expecting it all the time...
and still I was surprised when it came up.
So I said to her:
Maybe I don't remember so good...
now this concussion's
knocked my buttons loose...
but don't you remember me telling you
I didn't want you to go back to work?
What's the harm finding out
what's the situation in case I have to?
- I don't want you to have to.
- Don't make a tragedy.
I don't want my wife supporting herself.
What am I? Some peculiar?
- No, just impractical.
- Why impractical?
Because you don't face facts.
There's a soda fountain.
Can I get a black and white?
- I don't want you to do it, that's all.
- Okay, Chet.
Do what, Ma? Don't want you to do what?
Just gonna tell him I got to get out sooner.
You'll just make it worse if you do that.
How about just a plain cone, Ma? Only 10.
- Not now.
- Here's 25.
- Get yourself a black and white.
- Hot dog!
Look, Florrie, I know I'm pretty tough
to get along with...
But if you have to take a job,
I guess you just have to.
- I'll make it up to you.
- Okay, Chet.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I think it's all this no sleeping.
I can't seem to sleep up here. It's too quiet.
You have my personal guarantee,
everything's going to be okay.
I know it will, Chet.
- Lunch, Flo?
- Soon as I get this stuff finished.
- You going out or what?
- No, I brought today.
- See you.
- I'm going for coffee.
- Here.
- We'll settle up later.
- How does it feel, kid?
- All right.
You have a good chance for comparison:
Marriage life, also business life,
so which appeals?
It makes a difference with a child.
This way I'm always worried,
is she all right?
But without any shilly-shally, Flo,
which would you choose?
- My home, when things were going all right.
- When do they ever?
You'd be surprised.
What are you figuring out there?
Your withholding?
- My trip.
- This Sunday again?
- You'll knock yourself out.
- And what about money? Doesn't it cost?
Not so much by bus.
Ellen only takes a half fare...
so that brings the whole thing
to about $4.20, round trip.
- Don't that bus make you sick?
- It bothers Ellen a little...
but if I give her half an aspirin it's okay.
- Is that good? To feed a kid aspirin?
- It's only half a tablet.
I guess she knows what to do.
She's brought up two kids very nicely.
What?
I mean, Ellen.
I didn't mean anything, Flo.
If I get the early bus, then it gives us
practically the whole afternoon...
if I make the 5:00 back.
It's the only one back on Sundays.
...departure for Boston
and points in Maine...
boarding at Gate 25 on the lower level.
For Greenwich, Stanford, Norwalk,
Bridgeport, New Haven, Middletown...
Hartford, Providence, Boston, Portland...
Last call.
I'm not sure.
I wish I had time to take in
the show at Radio City.
We had a breakdown, Daddy,
and two policemen came...
How do you like that.
A whole day and they kept saying
it was nothing serious...
just mechanical,
but you can't always believe.
This is the last trip you make out here.
We're gonna have to get that other bus.
It's the last one.
Five hours late. That's some service for you.
- You ought to get your money back.
- I will.
I want my money back, too.
- Boy, if I could just lay my hands on that...
- Don't get excited.
Here's your heavy sweater.
And you're feeling okay?
And here's the magazines you said.
- I'm sick of the bus. I'm not going!
- I think I'd better take her.
Thanks, honey. At least I saw you.
- Let's go, lady, if you're going.
- Okay.
I'm not going! We just got here!
- I wanna stay here with Daddy!
- Stop fussing.
Daddy will be home
in a couple of days, sweetheart.
- Is George going to be the only company?
- That's right.
Pop's got enough of a strain
without too much company yet.
- Why?
- Just getting back to work and all.
I thought maybe I was the strain.
Oh, no!
It's Daddy! I'll go.
- Hello.
- Hi, Daddy. Hi, George.
- Look what Daddy brought you.
- Hot dog! I'm gonna read it all tonight.
- Here's another present.
- What is it?
Indelible color pencils.
But dip them in water, not on your tongue.
Thank you, George.
How's the barmaid?
- Hi, George.
- Hi.
Sit down.
They're gonna leapfrog his promotion,
you hear about that?
Chet, honest?
Big mouth. I'd appreciate it
if you'd let me tell my wife something.
You were just sitting.
- When?
- Around a week or 10, he said.
- Say, I've got a great idea.
- Yeah, ball-bearing roller skates?
You gonna tell about the lawyer letter, Ma?
- What?
- The lawyer letter.
- What lawyer letter?
- I didn't open it.
- Why? Is it addressed to me?
- No, me.
So why didn't you?
I told you, 'cause it's a lawyer letter.
I didn't want to by myself, naturally.
Give me a cigarette, will you?
What is it?
Want me to step out?
"Wilson and Halperin, Counselors at Law,
1740 Broadway, New York.
"Mrs. Chester Keefer, New York.
Dear Madam:
"The last will and testament
of Clarence F. Dow, deceased...
"was filed on April 11th by this office...
"for probate in the Surrogates Court,
County of New York, State of New York.
"The undersigned, acting as executor,
hereby makes notification...
"that you, as Mrs. Chester Keefer,
ne Florence Derringer...
"have been named as beneficiary...
"under the terms
of the above-mentioned document...
"in the sum of $1,284.63."
- Happy days.
- I'm going to faint!
No, I'm not. Chet!
Let's buy a yacht
and take a cruise to Coney Island!
Listen, I never thought...
I mean, other people...
Can you imagine?
Chet, maybe our luck changed,
maybe for the good.
- You look funny.
- So I've been told.
- Is something...
- You got a great break. Congratulations.
I got? It's for us, isn't it?
Catch me.
- But I don't know what's the...
- Tell you later.
I'll go see if dinner's ready.
I'm not so hungry. I got to get some air.
I don't feel so good.
Chet, please!
I got to get some air.
Anything wrong with that?
You said he was all better, Ma.
He'll be right back.
How about something to eat?
Sure, George.
Sit down.
- What are we having?
- It's casserole.
I don't mean that old stuff. I mean dessert.
- Lemon meringue pie.
- Yeah!
- That your favorite?
- All my life.
It's my fourth favorite.
Say, this is great.
Think I may just move in here.
- You mean come and live here?
- Certainly.
You think my father would like that?
Excuse me.
You know what my fifth favorite is?
- No, what?
- Guess.
- Devil's food cake?
- No.
- Banana ice cream?
- No.
Caramel custard?
How could it be? That's my second favorite.
Give up?
Prune whip! You didn't guess it!
You getting up?
You getting up?
What's the matter?
You decided not to talk today?
What good's that?
Or maybe the cat's got your tongue?
What gets settled with no talking?
Sometimes even with talking, it doesn't,
but with no talking, never.
- Come on, Florence, will you?
- Will I what?
- Cut it out.
- Cut what out?
Fine.
You're the one went hard-nosed
all of a sudden.
So why should you just pick
your any old time to talk or not.
I only waited around here
the whole last night, that's all.
George finally went home around 10:00.
I waited till almost 12:00
and you still weren't.
- At 12:15 I went to bed.
- 12:20 I came in.
Who cares?
- I see how worried you were, right to sleep.
- I did not.
- Just making out?
- That's right.
Very brave.
- Where were you, anyway?
- Walking around.
I don't follow your whole attitude, Chet.
I know you've been sick
and I'll make allowance...
but sick is one thing
and crazy is still another.
I'm not crazy.
You may drive me, but you haven't yet.
- What did I do?
- How should I know?
Why should any Clarence F. Dow
leave you $1,284.63?
- How do I know why he should.
- 'Cause you were there, not me.
- I worked for him, that's all I know.
- You got paid!
Of course.
So why should he leave you $1,284.63?
Maybe he felt like it, I don't know.
I don't feel like it.
What do you know about that?
- What do you want me to do?
- Nothing.
So what's the argument?
I look great, don't I?
Everybody knows about it,
or is bound to find out.
You can't keep a thing like this on the q. t.
A thing like what, for heaven's sake?
- You don't see anything wrong in it?
- No, I don't.
- You need glasses if you don't see it!
- You need glasses yourself!
A man doesn't leave anybody $1,284.63
just for plain nothing!
- He wasn't a man.
- Yeah, what was he? A trolley car?
He was my boss, not a man.
I didn't even like him.
- I guess he liked you, all right.
- No, he didn't.
- That's why he left it to you?
- I can't understand that.
You and me both, honey.
Look, you want me not to take it?
So I won't.
What good will that do?
If you don't want me to take it
and also to not take it, so what?
So nothing.
You know how long it would take us
to save up that much money?
A year. Maybe two.
That's right. Maybe never.
That's right. Maybe never.
All right. So I'm a flop!
So I admit it. So I can't support you!
Maybe you ought to do something about it!
Chet, you're not acting nicely.
What can I do?
I don't know!
I don't even know what I can do!
If you'd only calm down,
just cool off a minute.
- Okay, I'm cool.
- I didn't understand the whole thing myself.
I remember him, a very mean old man.
- Old?
- Old.
Go ahead.
I remember, he had this reputation
for being cranky.
People even mentioned it to me
when I got promoted into his office.
They said, "How cranky, how demanding,
no consideration. "
- So why did you do it?
- It was a job.
Sure.
- I thought I could handle the situation.
- And I guess you did, all right.
No, I didn't.
No matter what I did, never enough.
- Even extra things, personal things.
- What do you mean, "personal"?
Going out and shopping
on my lunch hour...
sometimes he'd tell me
to buy him razor blades or socks...
stuff like that, on my own lunch hour,
no consideration.
- But you did it, all right!
- Sure!
- And what else?
- What else what?
- Go ahead!
- Chet, I can take just so much.
You don't have to take anything.
I'm the one doing all the taking.
I'm sick of all these insinuations!
Insinuating? I'm telling you right out!
We couldn't sleep anymore.
We got very restless.
- What's the matter?
- I almost forgot our good morning song.
- Not today.
- We have to. If not, it's bad luck.
- Don't be so superstitious.
- I'm not super anything.
- You hate me today.
- No, I don't. I love you.
Then why can't we sing
our good morning song?
Okay.
Good morning to you, good morning to you
We're all in our places with sunshiny faces
Oh, this is the way to start a new day
- Lf it ain't the Postmaster General.
- Hello, Pat.
Could I talk to you a minute?
Anytime, boy, anytime.
Never too busy to say hello.
Pat, just for instance...
how would you feel about it
if somebody left Emily a big wad of dough?
Say, somebody she once worked for?
- Emily never worked. She don't believe in it.
- I know, but suppose they did?
Wouldn't you think it was fishy if they did?
- Who left it to her?
- I'm just taking a hypothetical case.
No, I mean, who left it to Florence?
You wouldn't know him.
- What does she say?
- Nothing, she just screams.
Somebody left me $1,000, I'd scream, too.
Not the way I see it.
Let me tell you something,
you got a bad attitude to money.
You think so?
I never talked with you
the subject didn't come up: money.
- You think it's important.
- Important if you got none.
- But you're all wound up in it.
- This isn't the money. It's the principle.
No. You're just getting excited
'cause you're getting pulled in two ways.
You don't want her to take it,
but you don't want her to give it up.
You're just talking gaggle.
See, the reason I understand you
is I'm different.
You're always neck high
in some scheme to do with money.
It's no scheme if somebody wants
to get someplace, is it?
I'm someplace.
Be a butcher all your life, do you?
Look, I got a job. One thing, it's steady.
Up, down, come or go,
one thing people got to do is eat.
8:20 a. m., I give that Emily
a good bite in the neck and I'm off.
8:50, sometimes 8:55, I'm here.
Good ventilation, clean working conditions.
12:00 I go have lunch,
take a little walk around...
look in the windows, come back.
5:30, we close that door, no matter what.
Half-hour clean up, ordering, whatever.
6:00, hot or cold or Wednesday, I'm out.
6:50, sometimes 6:55, I'm home.
And here's the thing,
once I cross that door going out...
I don't care about the shop,
or the business again...
until I hit it the next day.
From the time I leave this store,
the only animal I worry about is Emily.
I don't want to be a big man.
Listen, on 201135th Avenue,
Jackson Heights...
I'm the biggest man there is.
That's the only place I want to be a big man.
So, what's wrong with my point of view?
All right.
So I'm a stick-in-the-mud, no ambition.
But for my kind of type,
I got married to Emily...
who's the right kind of type
for my kind of type, and she don't push me.
She don't tell me what the woman next door
got for Christmas.
Live and let live.
Is that beautiful? Or am I prejudiced?
You don't understand
my whole problem, Pat.
- But thanks, anyway.
- See you.
I started.
I see you did.
I didn't know
if you were coming or when. Nothing.
How's the kid?
All right.
Sleeping.
I never did so much thinking
as the last couple of days.
You better eat.
It used to be I thought
this way about something or that way.
Lately, I don't know what.
About the money?
But this much I decided.
Never mind my own feelings,
I got to swallow everything.
I got to think of the kid.
- But not me?
- Sure, you.
You, too.
Thanks.
So what I'm trying to say is, okay.
You got my permission to take it.
The money.
Thanks. I'm glad you feel this way...
- 'cause I already did.
- Already did what?
Went down there and took the money.
No strings attached.
Well, this is great!
- This is just A-number-one great!
- Now what?
You couldn't wait? What were you afraid of?
He'd change his mind?
- How can he change his mind? He's dead!
- You can just stop hollering.
I made my mind up not to listen
to anything hollered.
- Anything said I'll listen to, but not hollered.
- Don't tell me what to do in my house!
- Your?
- That's right!
My house, too!
What, are you going to throw it to me now?
That Howard and Joan
gave some of the furniture?
I'll pitch it out!
And that radio, too, of his.
I shouldn't have let it in here
in the first place!
Listen, Chet, I've been trying my best,
but if you want the truth...
you're not only hard to get along with,
you're impossible!
I leave it to a jury!
You come in,
you say it's all right to take it...
so then I tell you I took it,
so then you're off your handle again.
There's a difference!
- You don't see the difference?
- No, I don't.
What do you want to do about it?
I don't care.
Anything.
Anything you want to do about it
is all right with me.
I'm getting sick and tired of you
slamming out of the house...
at every least little thing! It's no way to act!
What am I supposed to have,
a chain on me?
Daddy! Momma! Go away!
What's the matter, sweetie?
Some mad people were hollering,
and I wasn't dreaming!
It was real! They were real!
No. They're not going to holler anymore,
those mad people.
You just go to sleep, and don't you worry,
I'm going to take care of it.
I'm here, and Daddy's here.
You just go to sleep now.
- You satisfied?
- What?
You make a nervous wreck out of her,
that's what.
Again me! All me!
- Will you shut up for once!
- Why...
You heard me!
- Where do you think you're going?
- What do you want, a chain on me?
You better not, Florence.
I'm going to try
a little fresh-air thinking myself.
How can you leave your kid alone?
- You'll be here.
- That's what you think!
- What kind of a father are you?
- No kind.
No kind of father, no kind of husband,
no kind of man! Nothing!
You may be right!
Florence, for the last time, I warn you,
you better stick around.
If you, too, will.
- I'm going out.
- So am I!
And from then on, Judge Carroll,
it was just a free-for-all.
All of a sudden it was everybody's business.
Everybody had something to say,
even Howard and Joan.
They sent for me
and they give it to me one way:
"After all, you're not a couple of kids.
"You're a married man and a married woman
with a child!"
Don't you think I had to listen to plenty?
Everybody yelling and at the same time
yelling, "Stop yelling at her. "
The one thing I found out in those days is...
I noticed everybody's always interested
in troubles...
are crazy about them,
so long as it isn't their own troubles.
Maybe if we could have gotten together...
and talked everything over
without everybody else's opinion...
And everybody else's opinion was,
"No and yes, no and go, and stop... "
And about the money,
it turns out that crazy old thing, Mr. Dow...
- He left the same amount to 55 other girls!
- And 34 men.
And he was 77 years old,
and in no way remarkable, except eccentric.
So if you found that out,
so why didn't you say?
I don't know. It was too late.
And I couldn't think straight,
everybody hollering.
I couldn't either.
Whatever I did would be wrong
in somebody's opinion.
And what about your own opinion?
I didn't have any.
Like you yourself said that time,
you didn't know what you thought.
And I don't now.
So we wind up here,
and I guess this is the right place.
I think so, too.
Pretty risky thing,
meddling in other people's lives.
Advice: always worried when I give it
and when I take it.
You two have had seven years of each other
and I've only known you a few hours.
So the fact that I think you ought to
stick together isn't much weight.
You've had hard times, but good ones, too.
You've each made some mistakes,
so has everyone.
And now you've decided.
I wonder if it isn't just wrong-headedness.
How do you know what the other one wants,
or thinks, or feels?
However...
It is late, isn't it?
My husband gets awful irritable
when I get home too late too much.
There was a writer who once said,
"Every human being is a plot. "
That's right.
I wish I had time to hear all of yours.
Maybe there'd be a solution
if we went deep enough.
Thanks for trying.
I imagine we'll finish you up
tomorrow morning. Good night.
- You taking them both tonight, Your Honor?
- What?
- Both briefcases?
- I think I'd better.
A lot of heavy work here.
I think we can scratch Keefer v. Keefer
for tomorrow.
Made up, have they?
I don't know,
but let's scratch them, just for luck.
- What do you say?
- All right.
- Here, I'll take those.
- No, that's all right.
- Good night, Charley.
- Good night, Your Honor.
The only trouble is
I can't promise it would be no different.
- The way I am, that's how I am.
- Me, too.
I know everything wrong with me:
Too ambitious,
disillusions of grandeur and all that.
- And what about me getting nervous?
- I get nervous, too, don't I?
It's a nervous world.
- Guess we found that out.
- Yeah.
Listen, Florrie...
you think so?
I'm too scared.
I mean, when we got together finally,
the first time...
I never imagined it could be different
or we could bust up or anything...
but now I'd always be thinking about it.
What makes you think I'd let you?
Well, I mean, at least I'd know it's possible.
Maybe it's a good thing,
to know it's possible.
Maybe.
I'd like to make a promise
everything's going to be different.
But how can I promise that?
But I'll tell you what I can do.
I can tell you I'd certainly try.
I would, too.
- With the bottom of my heart.
- So what's wrong with that?
So okay?
If we could only remember
not to blame each other...
when things went the wrong way.
So, okay, I come over there?
I don't see any stop sign, do you?
Good night, folks.
Good night is right.