1
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(SOFT DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL)
BLAKE VOICEOVER: When my dad
saw my mom for the first time,
there was no witty bio
accompanying a flattering
yet candid photo of her.
She was just sitting on
the bleachers on campus.
And he knew right
there and then
that he was going
to marry her.
(UPBEAT NEW WAVE MUSIC)
BLAKE: Because of that story
combined with an unhealthy binge
of Nora Ephron movies when
I had mono in high school,
I always wondered what
my love story would be.
Playing foosball
in a shitty diner
with a college
bro from Tinder
wasn't exactly
what I had in mind.
Do you have any siblings?
BLAKE: I bet you if
Harry met Sally in 2018
That was fun.
BLAKE: They'd just end
up as fuck buddies.
COLLEGE BRO:
You wanna come over?
BLAKE:
I can't.
COLLEGE BRO: I'm not
gonna think you're a slut
or whatever.
I wasn't concerned
about that,
but thank you.
Well then, what is it?
BLAKE: I just don't wanna
have sex with you right now.
COLLEGE BRO:
Okay, but like,
not right now or,
like, generally?
Do I wanna have sex
with you generally?
COLLEGE BRO:
Yeah.
BLAKE:
Poor college guys.
God bless them.
But they're so busy
trying to catch up on what
misconduct is,
they don't even know
how to go on a date.
It's time to say goodbye
to grand gestures.
The grandest it gets these
days is swiping right
instead of left.
As your local
hopeless romantic,
I am sad to report
that romance is dead.
MATT:
Romance is dead.
BLAKE:
Yup.
(SIGHS)
Okay, um, I'm gonna
kill your column.
What? Why?
Because your love
life is boring!
BLAKE:
That's not my fault!
I am trying really
hard out there.
WINNIE: Hey, I personally really
like the existential crisis
with the philosophy major.
BLAKE:
Thanks, Winnie.
It's a good column!
It's just niche.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Plus, it gives the
paper a female edge.
MATT:
Hm. Female, maybe.
Edge, absolutely not.
Your column is about as
far away from the edge
as a kid scared of heights.
Good simile, Jacob.
MATT:
Alright, guys, stop fighting.
I'm putting you
on reviews.
That's what
you're doing now.
The Jessers and Naples are
playing, uh, at the Cavern,
so go and tell me how it is.
So that's it?
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry that the student
body has lost interest
in your love life.
It kinda feels like maybe
you've lost interest
in your own love life,
to be perfectly frank.
I can make it better.
I am gonna do something
really awesome.
Yeah, you are.
In reviews.
Maybe you're a critic!
Maybe that's your thing.
Sit down, please.
- Winnie?
- WINNIE: Mhm?
Got something for you, LSD.
The mice in our labs
are being tested on
by the med students.
Animal rights people are gonna
be fucking nuts about this.
So maybe we write
something about that.
(SIGHS) Such a waste of LSD.
To me.
MATT: That-that
could be something!
That could be something.
Hey, it's not
This American Life,
but it's something.
LSD, that's our target.
Monday, see you
guys all then.
I am going to the bar.
BLAKE:
Without my column,
I'm just another
Humanities major!
I am facing years of rejection
from unpaid internships.
NIKKI:
Come to Thailand with me!
We need to find ourselves.
I am not going to find
myself on a mushroom trip
at a full moon party.
That's literally
where you find yourself.
Well, is there
a student loan
that can pay for my
flight to this party
where I miraculously
find myself?
NIKKI: If they said
your column was boring
just make your
column less boring.
It's not that boring.
It's not.
You write a sex
column with no sex.
I do stuff.
You've given,
like, one hand-job
in the last year to...
Who was it, again?
The Spanish exchange student.
God, he was really hot.
No, he wasn't.
He was really intense.
He was gross.
I feel like there
was a lot of potential
with the philosophy major.
No.
He has tiny fingers.
He'd hold a beer like this,
like a baby holding a bottle.
That's gross.
CASHIER:
I.D.?
I need to see your I.D.
Okay.
NIKKI: A knight in shining
armour isn't gonna come
galloping into the frat party
and ask you to the ball.
He might.
Can I just pay for this now?
Chill.
Excuse me?
We were here first.
What are you twelve?
NIKKI:
What are you?
Forty?
I.D.?
What?
Thirty?
Oh, I found it!
I like your coat.
Thanks.
BLAKE:
Okay, let's go.
Can I get some rolling
papers, too, please?
6X?
(LIVELY NEW WAVE MUSIC)
NIKKI: So what's the
deal with this band?
I heard the lead
guitarist is pretty!
Him and his man-bun were in
my Intro to Psych class.
I swear, if I'd had
a pair of scissors,
I would've cut the thing off.
- BOUNCER: Hi.
- NIKKI: How are you?
I.D's.
Of course, obviously.
- It's candy.
- BOUNCER: Uh oh. Yeah
Should've saved
ya a little lick.
BOUNCER:
Bring enough to share around?
I'm kidding.
Depends on how
the night goes.
I'm just kidding,
we're not doing that.
Yeah, that isn't you.
(GIGGLES) What're
you talking about?
Of course it's me!
BOUNCER:
Yeah? What's your name?
Blake Conway
Wrong.
BLAKE:
Uh, that's weird.
NIKKI:
That is weird.
Oh yeah, that's fine!
You're okay?
Yeah, that's fine.
You go in.
NIKKI:
You're sure?
BLAKE:
I would be thrilled.
I'll figure out
where my I.D. went.
Good luck.
BLAKE: Yeah, I'llI'll
find you somehow.
Sorry!
BLAKE:
Can you write my review?
(DISTANT POLICE SIRENS)
(BARKING)
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
(INTERCOM) MORGAN:
Hello?
Hi, um, Morgan?
(INTERCOM) MORGAN:
Yeah?
Um, I have your
driver's licence.
I think that you have mine.
(INTERCOM) MORGAN:
What?
I have your driver's licence.
(DOOR BUZZES OPEN)
MORGAN:
Hi.
Hey, uh, this is yours.
Oh!
Weird.
I think they switched
them at the liquor store.
Oh, that's funny.
Come in.
This is Bobby.
He's not a very good dancer.
That's not true.
Hi.
BOBBY:
Hi, how's your night?
Uh, good, thank you.
BOBBY:
Good.
Good.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You should stay.
For a drink.
The universe brought
us all together.
Gotta embrace that, right?
Okay, sure.
I'll have a drink.
- Cheers.
- BLAKE: Cheers.
Do you have to pee?
I have to pee.
I could pee.
Yeah, let's pee.
BLAKE:
Team sport?
(SIGHS)
You're really pretty.
Do you know that?
I feel like you
don't know that.
Thanks.
It's important for a girl
to know how pretty she is.
Why?
MORGAN: Because that's
how you find them.
Find what?
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Your powers.
He'll pay you to stay.
Oh, I'm
MORGAN: Oh, or you don't have
to take money, or anything.
I know some girls
are weird with that.
BLAKE:
No, um, I'm sorry.
I'm not
Not what?
A prostitute.
(CHUCKLES) I'm not
a prostitute, babe.
I'm just trying to
cut you into a deal.
It'll be fun.
You don't have to do anything
you don't want to do.
I don't think I can.
I have early class
in the morning.
I get it!
It's not for everyone.
Come on.
Miss me?
I always miss you, babe.
Okay, thanks!
MORGAN:
Yeah, bye!
Bye.
BOBBY:
How'd you get so warm?
(DOOR CLICKS SHUT)
(SOFT NEW WAVE MUSIC)
NIKKI:
You should've stayed.
BLAKE: Yeah, I totally
should've stayed
and had sex with two
strangers for some cash.
CONRAD:
Was she a sugar baby?
They're fucking
everywhere these days.
Really?
CONRAD:
Mm.
School's so fucking
expensive, that's why.
NIKKI:
Makes sense.
That's really sad.
(TIMER DINGS)
Anyone want coffee?
BLAKE:
I wanna dance.
CONRAD:
Hey, you got scissors?
NIKKI:
Yeah, somewhere.
Young girls are
prostituting themselves
to pay for school.
You're so dramatic.
It is dramatic!
I think hookers
are kinda badass.
Yeah, hookers are
super badass, Nikki.
They're in charge
of their own bodies!
Their pimps are in
charge of their bodies.
Oh, yeah.
I totally forgot
about the pimps.
Well, if there
were no pimps,
then hookers
would be badass.
Sugar babies don't have pimps.
Well, then sugar
babies are badass.
Something interesting
happened to me!
Oh, really? Good.
I want my column back.
Oh, you want your
column back?
Uh, did you even
go to the concert?
Your review?
You didn't even
mention the music.
You just described people
in line for two paragraphs.
I was totally there.
Oh, yeah.
Well, look, it looks
like you got their facts
off of Instagram.
The last two lines were
just hashtags and gibberish.
You are so out of touch.
All we really care
about are hashtags.
Oh, I'm out of touch?
Am I like a fossil?
I'm 23 years old!
By the way, 23
is perfectly fine age
to still be in college.
Winnie!
There you go!
Oh my god!
- Is this for me?
- Yeah!
Look at that!
She's so good.
You made him that?
Yeah!
BLAKE:
We are not your interns!
MATT:
Aren't you?
WINNIE:
I am not an intern!
I'm a foam artist.
Hey, man, I just
wanted to say to you,
I really, really loved what you
did with the Plan B article.
Oh, yeah!
It's so refreshing
to have a male perspective
on birth control.
JACOB:
Oh, thank you!
Thank you, man,
I appreciate that!
I'm totally down to
write your reference letter
for the Thompson Award.
Oh, really?
- JACOB: Thank you!
- MATT: No problem.
Wait, you're applying
to that award?
Yeah.
You don't write gonzo.
You write pretentious
political satire.
(ROBOTIC) Actually,
I write both.
Stephen Hawking.
- MATT: Good!
- JACOB: Thank you.
Since when?
JACOB: Since I don't only
write for the school paper, so.
You can't write him
a reference letter.
You're not a faculty member.
JACOB:
He's TA, it counts.
Well, can you write
me a reference letter?
(MATT STAMMERS)
This looks like a
conflict of interest.
Hard pass, thanks.
The Thompson Award is
for gonzo journalism?
BLAKE:
Yeah, and?
JACOB:
And you don't write gonzo,
so you just want it
for the prize money?
BLAKE: Oh, right, and you don't
want the prize money at all?
JACOB:
No, I do.
It's fifty thousand dollars.
That's the only reason
why I'm applying.
MATT:
Story ideas!
His, thank you!
If the writer is
a part of the story,
then it is gonzo.
The writer can't be
a part of the story.
The writer has to
become the story!
WINNIE: Well, it's like
those vice journalists
who did ayahuasca in Peru.
- MATT: Oh!
- JACOB: Yeah!
MATT:
I loved that writing!
That was so sick!
My stories are about me!
So you're the type of writer
that writes about people
describing doing ayahuasca?
Like, you wouldn't
actually do it yourself?
I would totally do ayahuasca.
If there wasn't
so much puking.
See, you're an omniscient
narrator in denial.
BLAKE: That doesn't
even mean anything.
You just like the
way that that sounds.
I have a story,
and-and it is a sexy story,
so all of those
horny college kids
are really gonna like it.
And when you read it,
you're gonna wanna
give me my column back.
So, get ready because...
Of all of the things
that I just said!
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
Oh, well that's over.
What is love?
What is it good for?
(UPBEAT NEW WAVE MUSIC)
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
BLAKE: I can change
your name for the piece,
if you want me to.
Why would I want you
to change my name?
Well, my column is
anonymous anyway, so.
Why?
BLAKE:
It gives me more freedom.
Doesn't sound
like freedom.
It just makes it easier
to write sometimes.
Okay.
I have made sixty-seven
thousand dollars in gifts.
I've gotten a Gucci bag,
a Balenciaga bag,
a Louis Vuitton bag.
I've gone to Paris
twice this year.
Whoa.
MORGAN:
Am I a prostitute?
No.
Am I a gold digger?
Maybe.
Am I having a better
time than all these girls
stuck in mountains of debt?
Who get nothing more
than a pregnancy scare
from their one night stands?
Most definitely.
Oh, here.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
Do you ever feel
taken advantage of?
MORGAN:
Not really, it's business.
Business can be messy.
MORGAN:
Yeah, but
I'm really good at it.
How?
MORGAN:
I know what they want.
BLAKE:
And what is that?
Their ego stroked.
(SOFT PIANO INSTRUMENTAL)
MORGAN:
You just have to figure out
how they work.
And once you do, you can
get whatever you want.
And what do you want?
Everything, I guess.
You know, I'm actually
going to meet Bobby
at his friend's lake house.
You wanna come?
Sounds like the beginning
of a horror movie.
("FLOAT" BY JUDE SHUMA)
There's something
in the way
Can we float on by?
Can we float on by?
I don't want you to try
There's something
in my blood
Want to call it love
Want to call it love
Gonna get me high
So how do you know Bobby?
Oh, he was one of
my MBA students.
BLAKE:
You're a professor?
IAN:
Yeah, is that surprising?
No.
I guess I've just
never seen a prof
in a bathing suit before.
IAN:
Here you go.
Thanks.
IAN:
What's your major?
BLAKE:
Useless.
So are you gonna get in?
Uh, I didn't bring
a bathing suit.
Well, I don't
wanna leave you
on dry land all
by yourself.
Why?
I can rate your
handstands out of ten.
Yeah.
BLAKE VOICEOVER: I think you
can tell a lot about a person
by the way they
get into a pool.
He didn't dive,
so not a show off.
I guess the view and the
house did that for him.
IAN:
You should come in!
BLAKE VOICEOVER: I'm not usually
one to be tempted by houses,
or views, or pools.
He was hot and I was stoned.
Uh, I don't know.
BLAKE VOICEOVER: And there
was something about him
that I couldn't
put my finger on.
So, what the hell?
I went in.
IAN:
So what's your story?
(GIGGLES)
(DOOR CLOSING)
(CLEARING THROAT)
Uh, I'd like to
see you again.
Oh.
If that's something
that you wanted.
Here's my card.
I didn't know people actually
carried around business cards.
IAN: I mean,
I didn't have it on me
in the pool or anything.
I have a stack and I just
I like this font.
Yeah it's DIN Condensed.
BLAKE:
Nice.
Yeah.
Thanks.
This is pretty
(TAPPING)
Pretty sweet too.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
MORGAN:
He's into arrangements.
I could say something.
Please don't.
He's written like five books.
Really?
What about?
I don't know.
I haven't read them.
(SOFT GUITAR MUSIC)
MATT:
Yeah.
Yeah Blake, I like it.
I like it.
It's very Zeitgeisty.
So can I have
my column back?
So, uh, you gonna
date this guy?
No.
MATT:
So-so, I'm sorry,
where is this story going?
BLAKE: I don't know how
my life is going to evolve
between now and
my next entry.
That's not how
a column works.
MATT:
Well how journalism works is
you-you follow the story,
not your feelings.
I followed her to a
stranger's lake house.
I could have been murdered.
MATT:
I'm sorry.
'Cause it sort of read like
you went to a pool party.
Where I was solicited!
You got hit on.
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, being solicited
is not the story.
'Kay? It's just
the first part.
What happens afterwards,
that's the story.
Are you trying
to pimp me out?
Um, am I? No.
No, III wanted to
kill your column.
You're the-you're the one who
wanted to make it interesting.
It's going to be
more interesting.
Whether or not you force
me to date the guy.
Oh, ho ho, no, I forced
I'm not forcing you
to date anyone, okay?
But you are saying you'll
give me back my column
if I date him.
No! No, no, no.
You can not, no, have
the column back, please.
This is not a, not a
This is not a thing,
you can just take it.
I am too close to
graduating for this shit.
I'm not going out like that.
The hopeless
romantic is back baby!
More hopeful, less romantic.
That's awesome, dude.
Yeah, thanks.
I feel like I've grown
from this already.
Your professor sounds hot.
Hmm, he's not hot hot,
but he is kinda charming.
NIKKI:
So, he's fat?
BLAKE:
He's not fat.
He's basically famous.
He's written a
bunch of books
for like technology
and business.
So he's boring?
BLAKE:
He's rich.
He invested in
Facebook and Uber
when they were
just starting.
NIKKI: So why aren't you
going to call him again?
BLAKE: So why aren't you
more focused on your costume?
The options here are
pretty limitless.
Tadah!
What is that?
It's Sassy Red Riding Hood!
You look like a used tampon.
What?
Your legs are the string.
I'm not lowering
myself to your level.
You're lowering it
to my crotch level.
Sexy gothic Red Riding Hood?
What's wrong with
the shoulders?
You look like you're
storing snacks in there.
Red Riding From The Hood.
No.
Well what are you
supposed to be?
A manic pixie dream girl?
Yeah.
Sure.
BLAKE:
I still don't understand
why there's a Halloween
party in April.
Oh!
Why didn't they just
call it a costume party?
'Cause then it's
not Halloween.
I'm gonna get
these glasses.
NIKKI:
Eh.
(SLOW RAP MUSIC)
EMILY:
Hey Blake!
Hey Emily!
Cool costume.
Are you a ballerina?
A loofah.
You look like my
dad on vacation.
I'm Raoul Duke.
From Fear and Loathing.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, um
I loved your last column.
I don't write a column.
So, whatever.
Okay.
Dr. Phil did an episode
on sugar babies.
Was it a hard hitting expose?
EMILY:
Oh yeah. I love Dr. Phil.
I feel like I have so
many things to tell him.
Yeah.
Put your heart in
the hands of the city
Working hard when
you're not around
But oh, you
sure look pretty
When your feet were
moving on the ground
It appears we have yet
another common interest.
Oh god.
Want to take a shot?
Yes.
I didn't touch
my lips to it.
I didn't take you as
a Hunter Thompson fan.
He's the very godfather
of Gonzo journalism.
Did you just say
fairy godfather?
No. I said very godfather!
JACOB:
No, you said fairy.
Very.
Fairy.
Want to take another shot?
Yeah.
Do you want to go
somewhere private?
You're so dumb.
You know you're
way off about me?
Okay.
I like Hunter Thompson.
Mmm.
He's not my favourite
writer though.
Who's your favourite writer?
Don't tell me!
Jane Austen.
Maybe when I was 15.
It's Nora Ephron.
What is that,
Zac Efron's mom?
She's the queen of
the romantic comedy.
"When Harry Met Sally",
"Sleepless in Seattle"
Okay. I liked those.
Those are good.
BLAKE:
I know yours.
I don't have a favourite writer.
Witkowski.
(WHISTLES) How'd you do that?
BLAKE:
You want to take another shot?
Yep.
(DOOR CLOSING)
JACOB:
You okay?
BLAKE:
Yeah.
(DOOR JAM BUZZING)
(JACOB MIMICS BUZZING)
(GIGGLING)
(KISSING)
I like your room.
I like it.
That means a lot to me.
Is that weird?
JACOB (WHISPERING):
You okay?
Yeah. I'm okay.
Are you okay?
JACOB:
Yeah, no, I'm good.
Okay. You look good.
Do you have a condom?
I think so.
Um
I thought it was
in my pencil case.
BLAKE:
Why do you have a pencil case?
JACOB:
For pencils.
In case.
Okay.
I don't have a condom.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(WHISPERING) I should go.
(WHISPERING) But
this is your room.
Oh.
Well should I go?
Want me to go?
I mean, should I go?
Uh yeah, I think so.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
Are you wearing my pants?
(LAUGHING)
JACOB:
You can't print it.
You can't not print it.
Can't.
MATT: Okay, usually I'm
totally against, uh,
these sort of
workplace romances,
but this is hilarious, Blake.
It's not funny to
me man, alright?
BLAKE:
I changed your name!
Nobody is gonna
know that it's you!
- I don't care.
- WINNIE: I do!
MATT:
You two were the only people
that dressed like Raoul
Duke at the party so.
You were there?
Yeah, I have Snapchat.
You were the one who told
me to become the story.
I became the story.
I'm sorry!
I didn't realize you
were so sensitive.
I'm not, sensitive.
I'm private.
I'm not
not like a sensitive dude.
MATT:
Hey man, I'm sorry,
I'm gonna have to post it.
JACOB:
Why?
MATT: Because, uh, for
better or for worse,
the hopeless romantic is
dragging in all the hits.
Really?
MATT: Keep your shirt on.
You're not winning a Pulitzer.
It's-it's not moving papers.
It's just, it's doing
well on the website,
and I have to do what's best
for the paper and or website.
I hope this isn't
awkward between us.
MATT: It most certainly
is going to be.
Do you want my advice?
Don't make out
with journalists.
Or Instagram models.
BLAKE:
He's arrogant.
He can't stand
that I'm thriving.
It's man problem.
That's what they do.
Can't handle the
strong woman.
He's kinda tall,
so I don't get it.
Is he tall?
Yeah.
Usually short guys
are really insecure.
Little man syndrome?
Yeah!
Yeah.
BLAKE:
Oh my god, oh my god.
Oh my god,
just keep walking.
Keep walking.
The guy, Ian.
He's over there.
Where? Where?
Oh, no, no, no.
Look to there.
Can you see him?
Do I look cute?
Do I wave, or is that weird?
I don't know.
Oh my god, we waved.
No, don't wave again.
NIKKI:
Flash your tit.
BLAKE:
No. (GIGGLES)
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL)
BLAKE:
Screw it.
If I want to win the award,
I have to do ayahuasca.
NIKKI: Wait, when are
you doing ayahuasca?
I'm not, it's a metaphor.
Because if you do
it without me,
I'm gonna be really pissed.
And surprised.
And hurt.
Eventually I'd be
happy for you.
Again, I'm not gonna do
ayahuasca without you.
Just
make sure he doesn't
take advantage of
you or anything.
Yeah, of course.
If anything, I am the one
taking advantage of him.
How?
Because I'm not
really a sugar baby.
You're actually kinda
like pretty woman.
But in reverse.
Just make me look classy.
Like Michelle Obama.
(LOUNGE MUSIC)
IAN:
Hi.
Should we go in?
BLAKE: Why don't you
have a girlfriend?
They're free.
IAN:
Not really. And,
I don't know
what she wants.
She probably doesn't
even know what she wants.
And I don't want
to spend my time
texting or fighting
or compromising.
So.
How do you want
this to work?
IAN: I don't want
to write cheques
or anything like that.
I kinda wanna give gifts.
Gifts.
IAN:
Yeah.
Like purses?
IAN:
Sure.
If that's what
you want. Yeah.
It's not what I want.
IAN:
I didn't think so.
So, what do you want?
Romance.
BLAKE VOICEOVER:
Wealthy older people
supporting struggling
younger ones
is nothing revolutionary.
Read any Jane Austen novel.
Granted Austen's
heroines always rebelled
against this concept in
search for romantic love,
but financially beneficial
relationships were the norm.
A female's attraction to a
male's display of resources
is ingrained in many species,
from humans to apes to cats.
Female leopards can actually
tell whether or not a male
is capable of providing
her with what she needs.
If she determines
that he isn't capable
of taking care of her,
she has the ability to
make herself less fertile.
So the question is,
why does our society
hate gold diggers?
Are we repulsed by our
own natural instincts?
Maybe relationships aren't
supposed to be for love,
but for survival.
IAN: There's a sound
quality to records
that is completely
lost with CDs or MP3s
or whatever the kids are
listening to these days.
Sometimes I just
like the sound
in between the songs,
you know?
BLAKE: I like the way
that the covers look.
Yeah.
BLAKE: Should have known
you'd be a record guy.
Well, I was
born in the 70s,
so I hope it's not
so obnoxious, right?
Right.
What's with the piano?
Do you play?
Uh. It's my ex.
Your ex is a piano?
No. She's a human. Bitch.
She's really good at
playing the piano.
Do you wanna listen
to this one next?
Sure.
I don't think I've ever
listened to this one.
Birds climb slow
Weather's cold
And I think of you
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL)
(PIANO CHORD)
(DOG PAWS CLICKING ON FLOOR)
(DOOR CLICKING SHUT)
Where is my bike?
(REFLECTIVE INSTRUMENTAL)
(DOOR CLICKING SHUT)
NIKKI:
You had sex!
What?
You had sex.
- What are you talking about?
- Come on!
BLAKE:
How did you know?
I felt the energy change.
(GIGGLES)
So?
How was it?
BLAKE:
It was
Nice.
It was nice?
Yeah it was nice.
So? What did you get
for the romp sesh?
Earrings?
Purse?
An iPod?
A gift card?
Got nothing.
A Starbucks's gift card?
BLAKE:
Oh, I got Gatorade.
That's it?
BLAKE:
Oh and my bike got stolen.
Wait, doesn't
he live in that
nice neighbourhood
by the water?
Yeah.
Crime knows no bounds.
(KNOCKING)
This is for you,
and this is also for you.
And the last thing
is too big to bring up.
I'll just get my shoes.
Is that?
BLAKE:
A sex moped.
NIKKI:
A hoeped.
Oh my god!
NIKKI:
What does it say?
Sorry I stole your bike.
Hey, Conrad here and today,
I'm gonna show you
how to ride a moped!
Conrad's kinda cute.
Kinda.
Hold this.
CONRAD:
To be honest.
I mean, you just
turn the key.
Check your mirror.
Looking good.
BLAKE:
Pass me my helmet.
CONRAD: You gotta
kick up the kickstand.
Hold on, Conrad's
bike won't start.
CONRAD:
And you know, um,
you know, hopefully
Conrad, why did you post this?
(ENGINE RUMBLES)
Get on!
I feel dangerous.
Cartilage piercing dangerous.
It's not that dangerous.
You ready?
Take that bow off!
You live in a man's world
Man, man, man's world
I tell you I don't
want to anymore
Let's sing na na na na na
Kick you out the door
Money hey
Money woo
Money hey
Ah! Oh my god!
Take my picture!
Oh my god!
Ow! Why?!
Ow!
Does it look cool?
NIKKI:
Uh, yeah.
There's a little bit of
- of blood.
- What?
But don't touch it,
don't touch it.
How am I going to
wear my bike helmet?
(FUN UPBEAT MUSIC)
What happened to your ear?
I got my cartilage pierced.
JACOB:
Looks like it hurt.
It doesn't.
Are you still
pissed off with me
because you fit
in my pants?
That's not why
I'm pissed off.
So you are mad.
So now you're applying?
I was always applying.
Hold on.
(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL)
Does he know?
That I'm applying
for an award?
That you're writing
about him to win an award.
BLAKE:
I changed his name.
So no.
Nice ride.
Thanks.
How'd you pay for it?
'Kay, bye.
(PENSIVE INSTRUMENTAL)
I thought of something
that I want.
IAN:
Oh yeah?
What do you want?
I'm applying for an award
and I need a reference letter.
What's the award for?
Journalism.
You're in it-you're in it
for the money, aren't you?
But if I win,
I get a bunch of cash and
I can pay off my debt.
You know, I could
help you with that,
if that's something
that you wanted.
Thought you didn't
write checks.
IAN: Well, I'd consider
it an investment.
You're the only person that
would invest in journalism.
Well, I wouldn't be
investing in journalism,
I'd be investing in you.
What's in it for you?
This.
You can think about it.
And the letter?
Why don't you write it out
and then I'll sign it.
Okay, so do you wanna read a
writing sample or something?
Sure.
So I'll email it.
Yeah, you can email it, great.
Or I can print it.
Whatever's easier.
I'llI'll email it.
I'll PDF it.
Yeah, PDF it, for sure.
BLAKE VOICEOVER: A mutually
beneficial relationship.
I was a sugar baby.
If you just saw us
drinking in some park
like we were in some
frigging French film,
or eating tiny, fancy food in
some tiny, fancy restaurant,
or holding hands and
coffees in sweater weather,
and some upbeat
love song played
over what we were
actually saying,
it would appear that we
were falling in love.
He didn't play games.
He called when he
said he would,
and made concrete
plans in advance.
It was chivalry
at its finest.
Perhaps romance
wasn't dead,
it was just hiding out
in another dimension,
a world where
social interaction
was actually a transaction,
and going to the
theatre was something
I did on a Saturday night.
The truth is,
while I ate my
overpriced Gummi Bears
he brought me
during intermission,
I felt like a goddamn lady.
(APPLAUSE)
WOMAN: I bet you she
doesn't even like him.
CLAIRE: Do you like every
guy you've hooked up with?
I stayed with Tom because
we were in the middle
of Stranger Things and
I don't have Netflix.
WOMAN: It's not
really the same thing.
He bought her a scooter
for having sex with him.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Hey.
Hey.
(WATER RUNNING)
NIKKI:
You're not a hooker.
But I don't know what
being a hooker feels like.
What if it feels
just like this?
How do you feel?
BLAKE:
I feel fine.
Good, like, really good.
That might just
be the cupcakes.
BLAKE:
Can't believe you made these.
Since when do you bake?
NIKKI:
I got bored.
Then I got bored
when I was baking,
so I sprinkled in
a bunch of Molly!
Ha ha.
No, I did, for real.
No.
No, Nikki!
I can't have drugs!
I'm emotionally unstable!
Take it back.
NIKKI:
No.
BLAKE:
I have to make myself puke.
No, no, no, no,
don't throw it up.
BLAKE:
I hate puking.
NIKKI: I should have got
Jimmy as the roommate,
Jimmy would have loved this.
(KNOCKING)
NIKKI:
Hello.
Hi.
Uh, Bla, hey you,
in the bathroom!
Your Uber Eats is here.
BLAKE:
What are you talking about?
I can't afford Uber Eats.
Hey, oh, you look
really nice.
What are you doing here?
IAN: Um, do you wanna
go to a wedding with me?
(CHUCKLES)
I've never been to a wedding.
- Me neither.
- IAN: Really?
Yeah, when is it?
Now.
Like, now now?
Yeah.
Sorry for the short notice,
um I just hate going
to these things alone.
But I did get you this.
NIKKI:
Oh my god.
(GASPING)
NIKKI:
Oh my god.
BLAKE:
Yeah, it's pretty sparkly.
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
It's dangerous.
IAN:
It's stupid, sorry.
Um, it's sparkly because
the stones are so clear.
I think they're only found
in one place in the world.
Are you gonna say your heart?
No, South Africa.
Close enough.
So, are-are they
blood diamonds?
No.
BLAKE:
Are you sure?
Yes.
So no one died for them?
No. Those are
100% organic,
farm fresh,
vegan diamonds.
BLAKE: Okay, I'm
gonna go get ready.
Okay.
NIKKI:
Uh, uh, wear the pink dress.
BLAKE:
I don't have a pink dress.
NIKKI: Yeah, the
long one, pink, low.
I had a blue one.
It's mine,
I'm trying to make
you look good.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- You ruined it.
Okay, I'll be really quick.
IAN:
Okay.
So you guys have lived
together for a while?
Yeah, we were-we were um
roommates in freshman year.
We hated each other for
the first few months,
then Philip Seymour
Hoffman died.
Yeah.
NIKKI: Wow. Wow.
Oh, wow, you look beautiful.
Thanks.
He stood up.
(GENTLE CLAPPING)
Wait, whose wedding is this?
Um, you met Bobby, right?
The guy from the pool?
Yeah.
He's getting married?
Yeah.
(SULTRY MUSIC)
BLAKE VOICEOVER:
I take you
to be my lawfully
wedded husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward.
For better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health
until death do us part.
Are you-are you okay?
I'm on drugs.
Oh, wow, what kind?
Cupcakes with Molly in them,
I should have told you,
I'm so sorry.
IAN:
Shit.
- Jesus.
- No, I'm good.
I've done Molly
like, once before.
It was fun until I puked
all over somebody's shoes,
but I don't foresee that
happening this time.
I don't feel nauseous
at all, I'm good.
I'm sorry, I said
that already.
I'm gonna be
serious from now.
Yeah, falling in love
is a very serious matter.
So serious.
So you're okay with
the choreographed dance
that we have to do later?
Oh my God, I would love that.
IAN:
There'll be a speech
with a lot of inside jokes
that neither one of
us are gonna get.
Bring it on.
Do you believe in love?
My parents got divorced.
Uh, oh.
No, I'm good, I'm okay.
I'm good, let's
go get a drink.
Yep.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Whoa this feeling
Whoa almost got me reeling
Yeah it's on me and I
cannot seem to shake it
This song has got me and
I can't seem to break it
(FADING INTO GENTLE MUSIC)
All of us have
felt the burden
Of being nowhere alone
With feelings that leave us
Wondering when
the time will come
To find something, someone,
a feeling to guide us
Oh my god.
Like a technicolour operation
You commandeer
my field of vision
I'm a bullet in the ocean
You harness me so softly
That I just fall
Baby
(CHEERING)
WOMAN:
Oh, it's so cute.
MAN:
Oh, yes.
Hey.
Hey, congratulations.
BOBBY:
Thank you.
Big day.
It's a beautiful wedding,
you have a really good voice.
Yeah?
How's Morgan?
Uh, I haven't seen
her in a while.
That's too bad.
You know, I, um,
I dig that bike.
I think girls on
bikes are cool.
How much that cost?
I'mI'm not sure actually.
Yeah, must be doing
something special.
Your wife.
BOBBY: Oh no, no, we have
an open relationship.
There was a whole,
there was this book,
and I don't really remember,
but you can have sex
with other people.
That's cool.
BOBBY:
Yeah.
What do you want?
To go to the bathroom.
Is that all?
(THUD)
Ow!
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
DRIVER:
Why's your rating so low?
What?
DRIVER:
You're only at a 4.3.
I am?
DRIVER:
Yep.
Why?
DRIVER:
I don't know.
You seem fine.
I am fine.
(MELANCHOLY INSTRUMENTAL)
(KNOCKING)
Hi.
What are you doing here?
We didn't have plans.
Oh, I know, I just
wanted to stop by
and apologize for
leaving the wedding.
I can't do this right now.
Okay, it's just,
when I went to the bathroom
This isn't how this works.
WOMAN:
Many are quick to label
the sugar lifestyle
choice as prostitution,
but there are lots
of differences
between this lifestyle
and the oldest profession.
A prostitute and a client have
a transactional relationship.
They meet, participate in
some sort of a physical act,
exchange funds,
and part ways.
Typically, this is a one
time occurrence, a job.
There is no relationship,
and no possibility
for a relationship,
and that is the biggest
difference, really.
The relationship.
Hey.
Yo.
What are you wearing to
the toga party tonight?
Uh, a toga.
So I can't wear this?
It's not a toga.
What about now?
BLAKE: Uh, yeah, no,
still not a toga.
Nikki, it's not a toga.
NIKKI:
Fine.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Hey.
(SOPHISTICATED MUSIC)
So, uh, about earlier.
It-it's okay,
but you can't just
show up at my house.
To be fair,
you did just show
up at my house
and invite me to
your wedding.
And I got you that bracelet.
Right.
I read your
reference letter today.
- Oh yeah?
- Mhm.
Do you support all the fantastic
things I said about myself?
No.
I'm gonna rewrite it,
tell the truth.
Did you read my
writing sample?
Mm.
I'm gonna get to
it this weekend.
Do you have any siblings?
What?
You know, brothers
or sisters, siblings.
Why?
I just realized
that I don't know
anything about your family.
We don't have to do this.
Okay.
It's really good, isn't it.
BLAKE:
Mm.
There are so many expensive
bottles of wine in here.
IAN:
Mhm.
Imagine if I just
smashed them all.
BLAKE:
You missed my turn.
IAN: Oh, we're-we're
going to my place.
No, I want to go home.
(SNIGGERS)
It's so early.
(DOOR CLICKING OPEN)
IAN:
Oh ho ho, who's this?
Who is this?
Gertie, Gertie, Gertie.
She missed you.
See that?
You did, didn't you?
Where you goin'?
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, yes, I'm happy
to see you, too.
Yes I am.
Yes I am, yes.
(LIQUID TRICKLING)
(CLINK)
(NEEDLE DROPPING ON VINYL)
("CATCH THE WIND" BY DONOVAN)
In the chilly
hours and minutes
Of uncertainty
I want to be
In the warm hold
of your loving mind
To feel you all around me
And to take your hand
Along the sand
Ah, but I may as well
try and catch the wind
When sundown pales the sky
I want to hide a while
Behind your smile
And everywhere I'd look,
your eyes I'd find
For me to love you now
Would be the sweetest thing
T'would make me sing
Ah, but I may as well
try and catch the wind
Deeddy di dee
dee deeddy deeddy
Deeddy deeddy
deeddy dee dee dee
When rain has hung
the leaves with tears
I want you near
to kill my fears
(HEAVY BREATHING)
To help me to leave
all my blues behind
For standin' in your heart
Is where I want to be
And long to be
Ah, but I may as well
try and catch the wind
(SONG FADING AWAY)
(FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY)
(DOG CLAWS TICKING)
(QUIET FOOTSTEPS)
(CHIRPING)
(DOOR HANDLE RATTLING)
("SPINNING BLUE" BY BIEN)
Wake up wake up wake up
The sun is rising
The day is here for us
To take and run
With all our might to
catch the light to be alive
Come on come on come on
Take my hand
And bring your
dreams along
See the wonderful
All around get lost get
found covered in sound
We're all spinning on blue
Watching the
same clouds (OOH)
Breathing in,
breathing out
(DISTANT LAUGHTER
AND CONVERSATION)
Blake.
I'll catch up.
Blake.
You look like E.T.
I didn't see ya
at the toga party.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm great.
JACOB:
Hey.
It's okay.
You don't have to do this.
Do what?
Be nice to me because
you feel bad or something.
JACOB:
Oh, I don't feel bad.
(CHUCKLING SOFTLY)
Well, you can feel a little
bad for me if you want.
(CHUCKLING SOFTLY)
Do you wanna talk
about it, or?
Do you wanna,
go for breakfast?
Okay.
I'll get the bike.
(QUIET GUITAR STRUMMING)
JACOB: Are you bringing
anyone to graduation?
Yeah, my parents.
You?
Uh, yeah, same, unfortunately.
They hate each other,
but they love me,
so they just come
to all my stuff
and fight the whole time.
It's gonna be great.
That sucks.
JACOB:
Yeah.
When did they get divorced?
Um, a while ago.
Like, when I was ten.
Mine also got divorced.
JACOB:
Oh, when?
(SIGHING)
Right after I left for school,
they were, like,
"Okay, she's gone,
we did it, the end."
I'm sorry.
BLAKE:
No, it's okay.
Do you have any siblings?
What?
That's my question.
Whadda ya mean?
What does that mean?
I ask that on dates.
JACOB:
Like,
"Do you have any siblings?"
is the question you
ask on all the dates?
Every time?
100% of the time?
BLAKE:
Mm hmm.
That's so weird.
But you asked me it.
JACOB: No, that's the first
time I've ever asked it.
I mean, I don't plan it.
Why, why do you
ask that question?
Because it's the start.
Do you have any siblings?
I don't have any siblings.
- Do you?
- Yeah.
Got a half sister.
Which half?
JACOB:
Oh, my dad's.
She's the worst
person I've ever met.
She's the worst person
I've ever met in
my entire life.
BLAKE:
Your dad got remarried?
Yes.
And how old is she?
JACOB:
She's-she's three.
But she acts like she's two.
We have nothing in common.
She's the worst little cute
- WAITRESS: Here ya go.
- baby.
JACOB:
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
I got this.
Oh.
I owe you.
You don't owe me anything.
Don't leave me again.
The bike, I meant.
JACOB:
Sure you did.
Okay.
Goodnight.
No.
Bad night.
Good morning.
Good morning.
(DEEP INHALE)
(RATTLING)
(KNOCKING)
Nikki.
(KNOCKING)
Nikki!
Oh shit.
(MUFFLED FOOTSTEPS)
(THUD)
IAN:
What the fuck?
Shit.
So I read your
little love column.
Used me for material?
You used me for sex.
That was the deal.
I changed your name.
(DOOR CREAKING)
What's going on?
You were in there
the entire time?
Sorry.
IAN: If you don't erase
every trace of this thing
I'm going to ruin your name
before you even have one.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(DOOR SHUTS)
(TAPPING)
(SLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
BLAKE VOICEOVER:
I'm not gonna lie,
I thought about throwing
the bracelet in the water.
Then I sold it,
because I'm not an idiot.
(MUFFLED CHEERS)
NIKKI: God, I should
have been a cheerleader.
Those girls are in
such good shape.
Yeah but, what're they
gonna do with their lives?
I don't know.
BLAKE:
What becomes of them?
Yeah but, they
can do the splits.
They'll figure it out.
I still don't think you
should delete your column.
You need to own your scandal.
Like, uh,
Marie Antoinette.
She was a teen idol.
And she had sex
with everyone.
When she went to Paris,
people got trampled to death
just trying to catch
a glimpse of her.
That's really sad.
And didn't they behead
her for being slutty?
NIKKI: 'Kay, well, we are
still talking about her.
BLAKE: That's not
always a good thing.
He revoked his
letter for the award.
They disqualified me.
Shit.
BLAKE:
I know.
That sucks, sorry.
Jennifer Lawrence!
What about her?
When the-when those naked
pictures came out, of her?
She owned the shit out of it.
Declared it was a sex crime
on the cover of Vanity Fair.
And, those pictures made
her more interesting,
in my opinion.
I'd forgot about that.
NIKKI:
I know.
She looked great.
BLAKE:
Jennifer Lawrence.
J.Law.
Did ya see them?
NIKKI: No, I mean,
she would have, if,
if I saw them.
I think she would
have looked good.
But I didn't.
Did you see them?
Yeah, I saw them.
(SLOW ALTERNATIVE MUSIC)
BLAKE VOICEOVER:
If this were the nineties,
and I was in a
Nora Ephron romcom,
this would be the moment
where it would seem
all hope is lost.
(ENGINE HUMMING)
BLAKE VOICEOVER:
But then,
out of the fog,
he'd appear.
(SIREN)
BLAKE VOICEOVER: Maybe
at the top of a building,
or maybe in a cop car.
He wouldn't pull me over
because I was speeding
in a school zone,
and he sure as fuck wouldn't
give me a goddam ticket
for driving without
a motorcycle licence.
(RADIO CHATTER)
It's my birthday today.
COP:
No it's not.
It's my graduation,
and I really need to be there.
BLAKE VOICEOVER:
We'd lock eyes.
We'd have coffees
in sweater weather.
We'd drink wine in the park
like we were in
some French film.
And we'd run through field
after field holding hands,
while some upbeat
love song played.
("SUNSET LOVER"
BY PETIT BISCUIT)
BLAKE VOICEOVER: But this isn't
a romcom from the nineties.
This is just my story,
and I don't want to
be ashamed of it.
The story was never
about the professor.
Or an award.
Or even my column,
which I didn't delete.
Otherwise you wouldn't
be reading this.
I just changed my name,
to my real one this time.
(BEEP)
BLAKE:
Thanks for the ride.
"Meet me on top
of the bleachers."
JACOB:
Hey Blake!
What?
JACOB:
Come up here.
Why?
You gotta to see the view.
The view is unbelievable.
BLAKE:
What are you talking about?
JACOB:
I'm doin' a thing,
I'm doin' this thing, just,
can you come up here?
Trust me?
Work with me?
(NERVOUS HOWLING)
(DEEP EXHALE)
Okay.
BLAKE:
Hi.
JACOB: It's romantic
up here, isn't it?
BLAKE:
Uh...
At the top of the, uh,
Empire State Building.
What are we doing?
JACOB:
We're Sleepless in Seattleing.
I'm Tom Hanks,
you're Meg Ryan.
Unless you wanna
switch roles,
ya wanna switch roles?
I'll be Meg, you be Tom.
No, I'll be Meg.
JACOB:
'Kay, I'll be Tom.
I got you somethin',
like the movie.
It's actually a teddy bear.
JACOB:
What, the rose?
And she gives it to a kid.
(SHOCKED GUFFAWING)
There's a kid in the movie?
BLAKE: Yeah, Tom Hanks has a son.
Did you watch it?
I did, why? I don't
remember there being a kid.
I gotta rewatch it.
BLAKE:
Definitely a kid.
NIKKI:
What are you guys doing?
JACOB:
Um...
we're Sleepless in Seattleing.
He's butchering it.
NIKKI:
Nerds.
JACOB:
I'm doing awesome.
BLAKE:
You are actually.
I am?
BLAKE:
This is good.
Do they still fall in love
at the top of the
Empire State Building?
No, that's-that's
where they met.
But they were already
in love they are...
(SOFT ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL)
JACOB:
You look really pretty.
Are you holding my helmet on?
- Yeah, I got it.
- Oh, thank you.
NIKKI:
C'monah.
What?
Let's go.
Okay.
BLAKE:
Oh, we have to graduate.
- Hyah.
- Hyah.
I came here in a cop car.
Why?
'Cause I'm cool now.
That is really cool.
I'm criminal.
JACOB:
That's sick.
I know a criminal.
BLAKE:
It's a long story,
but it's actually not.
- It's really not a long story.
- What?
BLAKE: So, apparently, I need
a licence to drive my moped.
JACOB: Uh huh,
I didn't even know that.
BLAKE:
No, neither did I.
JACOB: I thought you could
just drive 'em around.
BLAKE:
No.
JACOB:
What?
BLAKE: So, that's something that
I'm going to have to deal with.
BLAKE VOICEOVER: Each one of us has a
story of how we got to where we are,
which most likely
involves study drugs,
getting blackout drunk,
and having one night stands.
We'll tell these stories
at dinner parties
and to our future children.
Well, maybe not the
one night stand part.
Or the blackout drunk part.
Or the study drugs,
for that matter.
But maybe our stories
don't have to be
for anyone but ourselves.
Your hopeless romantic,
Blake Conway.
(DISTANT BANTERING)