1
(suspenseful music)
(sound of projector)
(suspenseful music)
(lightning cracks)
(melancholy music)
(jazz music)
(electricity buzzes)
(distorted jazz music)
(lightning cracks)
(rain patters)
(thunder rumbles)
(rain patters)
(lightning cracks)
Wow, I can't believe this
weather, it's just miserable.
(sighs) Top shelf.
(thunder rumbles)
Yeah, but I'm not
sure this is any better.
(loud thud)
Thanks.
(man mumbles)
(thunder rumbles)
Bet you Wilson's place
is worse than this place.
(laughing)
You guys staying at Wilson's place?
(laughs) No.
Well, he's married the boss's daughter.
(faint speaking)
(suspenseful music)
(faint speaking)
(laughter)
I hope he does (laughs).
She does have a little
extra padding (laughs).
(faint speaking)
(suspenseful music)
(faint speaking and laughter)
(suspenseful music)
What a dump.
Okay, so getting back to Wilson.
The very day of the closing.
Wilson, check the current
number on the Anderson account.
Don't use the current numbers,
use the projected numbers I supplied.
You know, I brought him into this deal.
(thunder rumbles)
I said to make
a quarter-of-a-mill on this one.
A couple more sales like this
and I can write my own ticket.
Just pad numbers and the Andersons pick up
the rest of the cost.
Okay, so you know what he says to me?
He says, "But, that's not honest!"
Iay hey, I'm not in business to be honest.
I'm in business to make money.
What a dink!
Okay, so after all my
reworking the numbers,
make sure to use the numbers
that I gave you, Wilson.
But no, Wilson's got it
all figured out (laughs).
So what happened?
The numbers are dropped.
Wilson didn't recalculate my adjustment
and instead of making
my four-quarter-a-mill,
I ended up walking away with half of that.
Oh man.
Well, what does he care?
He's the boss's son-in-law,
he doesn't have to worry.
The family's worth a fortune.
What a dink.
- What a day.
- What a day.
Right (laughs).
Sometimes I can't believe
how these idiots get in
these positions with authority, you know?
But he's honest.
Yeah.
What did the old man say?
What could he say?
The holidays are coming up.
You can't show up to Thanksgiving dinner
with bad blood between he and Wilson.
What will his precious little girl say?
He's content to have me
keep the holiday peace
in this house and all it cost me was 1/8th
of $1 million.
(laughter)
(sighs) With a handicap like him,
you won't retire until
you're well over 50.
Well, it affects you too.
I know!
Because of Wilson, I barely
cleared half-a-mill last year
and with the economy
the way it is and having
to interact with people like him,
it's no wonder we can
make a living at all.
- Dink!
- Dink!
(laughter)
It's too late.
It's too late.
No, it's wrong.
She's here for you.
You, she's here for you.
(thunder rumbles)
I don't know what I'm complaining about.
I don't want to have that money anyway,
not with the way the wife spend it.
Yeah?
The other day I came home
and she had all new drapes
made for the entire house.
Didn't she just have that
done a couple years ago?
Yeah, but she has a new friend who is
an interior designer.
They met at the club and
they go out on Thursdays,
girls' afternoon tea.
They go out for tea (laughs)?
No (laughs)!
Well, I don't know, I just said that.
Who knows what they do?
Think of ways to spend my money, no doubt.
(laughter)
I say to her, you had two
professional career choices
in life, marry a rich
man or go on Welfare.
(laughter)
Either way, it's a free ride.
(laughter)
And then the son comes
home with a pink mohawk.
Wonderful.
Pink mohawk?
Yeah.
He's in a band, he's expressing himself.
I don't understand that boy.
He never listens to me.
Last Saturday, I had a
6:00 a.m. tee off time,
so I get up, shower, dress,
and as I'm walking out the
door, I mean literally,
walking out the door, my wife says to me,
"Are you going to make it
back in time for the party?"
The party, what party?
Dakota's 10th grade graduation ceremony.
We've been talking about
it for the last two weeks.
What are you going to do?
So what did you do?
I had to cancel with Robertson.
Your chance to play Fairview?
Yes!
Oh, man.
I'd kill to play that course.
(thunder rumbles)
How'd you find a
replacement on short notice?
I spent the next hour on the phone.
I finally found the only person we know
that did not have the game schedule.
- Who?
- Guess?
(laughs) Oh no, not?
That's right,
- Wilson!
- Wilson!
(laughter)
So I'm sitting at the ceremony
and they're rattling off
the subjects and clubs
he is in and the entire
time I'm thinking to myself,
what are they teaching
these kids these days?
Jeez!
Not like our day.
You can say that again.
And my wife is complaining the entire time
because our trip to Cancun
is postponed one week.
Huh, what's that?
It's because of the
new BMW and the leather
- interior takes a week.
- Sweet.
And she can't wait!
Nag, nag, nag.
I've been looking at that new Z4.
I'll pick one up in the spring
when the weather breaks.
I like the new Z4.
You gonna watch your dad drive it?
That'll be the day.
(laughter)
It'll end up like the Lexus.
How's that?
I didn't tell you that one?
No.
Oh, you know, he's retired.
67, 68, or something.
You know, late 60s.
Okay, so last year, Super Bowl Sunday,
remember that big snowstorm we had?
- Yeah.
- Well, I had to watch
the super bowl, so I said,
"Look, I have this new
(thunder rumbles)
(mumbles), right?
Stereo sound and new
(mumbles) with keg and taps.
Eric and his wife, his new wife, actually,
Jessica were gonna come
over and watch the game.
You should see Jessica.
Whoa (laughs)!
Whatever happened to his first wife?
Remember, she got that skin disease.
Well yeah, I remember now.
Right after that Christmas
party, he filed for divorce.
Yes (laughs).
Eric and his wife were
standing at the punch bowl
when the boss's wife said,
"Don't let anything fall in!"
Did she think it was going
to fall in or something?
(laughs) it was ugly.
What, the situation?
No, his wife's face.
(laughter)
But anyway, his new wife is the knockout.
Now where was I?.
Oh, oh, oh, so I tell my
dad, "Come over if you want."
you know, I'll stick him in
the car or someplace (mumbles)
or anything, put him in charge
of taking peoples' coats
when they arrive.
So anyway,
(fly buzzes)
there's a snowstorm and
he's driving my Lexus.
Wouldn't you know, he doesn't show.
Well, okay by me, but right
after two minute warning,
two minutes left in the game,
I get a phone call. From whom?
- The state police.
- The state police?
Oh!
(fly buzzes)
Is this Mister?
Yes, it is.
Is your father named?
Yes, it is.
Well, he's been involved in an accident.
Oh, man!
Two minutes left in the super bowl!
What happened?
(glass clinks)
He totaled the car, went into a ditch
and broke his leg.
Total the Lexus.
Oh, man!
He kept trying to call me,
but I had my phone turned off
because of the super bowl!
I mean, I think they
called fire and rescue.
He calls me.
So to answer your question, no,
my father is not going
to be driving my new Z4.
And with a broken leg,
(thunder rumbles)
I had to hire someone to
go to the grocery store
and take care of him.
Why can't Sheryl do that?
She's too busy with her charities.
You know, I've been
driving Route 13 for about
10 years now, and I've never
seen this place before.
What a dump.
(thunder rumbles)
Wonder if this is the
place where all those
gangster murders took place?
Wasn't that called Murphys?
No, that was, um,
the Bavarian house on Route 60.
On 16?
Yeah, just past the Dead Man's Curve,
over the old Benson Bridge.
No, that place was built after
all these murders took place.
These murders took place in
the late 1920s, early 1930s.
The Bavarian house was built
in the '40s during the war.
Which war?
The first, no, second World War.
What?, what murders?
Huh, well, I guess there's this guy
that was looking to challenge
the head gimbo,
was looking to take over the operations.
The story goes that this
upstart in this family
were having a big dinner
at some roadhouse.
Well, the big gimbo and his boys come in
and machine gunned the
whole lot, everyone!
Even the other customers and the staff.
I thought it burnt down shortly after.
He deserved it for
bringing to a dump like this.
They are the real guys
to look at, gangsters.
They're the real free capitalists.
No regulations, no taxes, do what you want
when you want to (mumbles).
(laughter)
You know, we should fly out
and play Pebble Beach this weekend.
Can't, Cancun!
(sighs) Yeah.
I can't believe the
idiots I have to put up with
- just to make a living.
- I know.
You said it, man.
What a crappy day.
If I'm not strangled with regulations?
It's dinks like Wilson dropping the ball
and costing me money.
One hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
If there's anybody who
deserves this drink, it's me.
(man cackles)
(lightning crashes)
You need a drink (laughs)?
You got it bad!
You two don't know how good you got it.
You don't know what bad times are.
Or bad luck for that matter. (laughs).
A couple of real hard-luck cases.
You don't know what bad times are.
Here, boys.
The next one's on me!
Probably the first
break your head all day,
or all your life.
Hey buddy, we're not interested.
Interested, you're not interested?
You two aren't interested
in anybody but yourselves.
And that will be your doom.
Your wives,
your father, your son,
your family, what grand burdens you two
have been settled with.
You can't talk to him like that.
Do you have any idea what we're worth?
Worth?
Yeah.
I have a pretty good idea
of what you two are worth.
What makes you think you know so much?
I'm the original hard luck case.
I'm Murphy.
Murphy's Law.
(thunder rumbles)
Oh, you know?
Murphy's Law.
Murphy's Law!
Whatever can go wrong will go wrong!
My entire life has been
strewn with bad luck.
(thunder rumbles)
I walk before the reaper,
debasing the dead and the live,
sowing seeds that will quench the thirst
of her long, bloody scythe.
(thunder rumbles)
What's that?
(thunder rumbles)
Oh, that's Zalambur.
Frederick Zalambur.
He was a 13th century poet.
I thought you two boys said
you were worth something?
And you never read any poetry as Zalambur?
(thunder rumbles)
(lightning cracks)
(rain patters)
Okay, old man.
You seem to know so much.
Tell us your story, tell
us about your hard luck.
Yeah, tell us your story.
Let us know what is and what isn't.
What is and what isn't.
Tell us about the dark world.
Yeah, dark world.
(money clip scraping across bar)
(click)
And you'll drink for a month!
Well,
it's a rather lengthy tale.
I don't think we're
going anywhere real soon.
(lightning cracks)
(train whistle blows)
(fly buzzes)
(train whistle blows)
My father was a wizard on Wall Street.
(piano music)
My father was a wizard on Wall Street.
(piano music)
(train whistle blows)
(piano music)
My father was a wizard on Wall Street.
My mother, an angel.
(distorted music)
I wanted for nothing and I was to attend
only the best schools,
but then came the crash.
(piano music)
(car honks)
(dogs bark)
(horse whinnies)
Like many others, we lost everything.
(piano music)
(sighs) As you might imagine,
father didn't take things well.
(somber piano music)
(orchestral music)
(car honks)
(car engine rattles)
Soon, mother and I were out on the street.
She found work scrubbing floors
in a manufacturing building.
They let us live in a supply
closet under the stairs,
but that didn't last long.
On my 10th birthday,
she saved enough pennies
to get me a cake.
Happy birthday, Murphy!
Even that didn't go well.
(suspenseful music)
(loud thud)
(loud crash)
(dramatic music)
(loud explosion)
(loud crash)
(suspenseful music)
(loud explosion)
(suspenseful music)
(loud crash)
(suspenseful music)
I barely got out,
but mother, well, I only pray
that she didn't suffer.
You see, boys, that's
the kind of hard luck
that follows me.
A 10-year-old-boy attempts
to blow out the candles
on this birthday cake (laughs)
and ends up blowing up four city blocks.
For you see, the manufacturing
facility where we resided
was a dynamite factory.
Why would they have a dynamite factory
in the middle of a city?
Well, government
regulations weren't quite
so strict in the old days.
- Government regulation?
- Government regulations?
(orchestral and piano music)
So there I was, no
mother, no father, no home.
All alone in the world.
Depressed, dejected, and wondering
what was to become of me.
I was picked up by the
authorities and placed
at Madame Babushka's
Home for Hapless Tykes.
(thunder rumbles)
It should have been named
Madame Babushka's Home
for Free Labor.
(water drips)
(thunder rumbles)
The place was run by an old
bat by the name of Babushka,
Madame Babushka.
She had immigrated from Yugochechnya
after the revolution and
started the orphanage.
She was always on my back.
Murphy, clean the floor!
Murphy, clean the toilets!
But I probably should have been thankful.
A roof over my head.
(water drips)
Three squares a day.
And the adoption process was a crapshoot.
Some kids were adopted by good families
and some weren't as fortunate.
(thunder rumbles)
(somber organ music)
(lightning cracks)
The only good thing I found at that place
was a book, the writings
of Frederick Zalambur.
(piano music)
That's where I started my real education.
(piano music)
Any time I had a free minute,
I would read Zalambur.
(piano music)
With regards to the theoretical proposal
of the pliability of
reality as it pertains
to the manipulation of reality on others,
we must first consider
and categorize our stages
leading up to and the subjects envelopment
the final stage or the catharsis,
chapter two, the perception of death.
The perception of death to the subject
is and will be key to the
motivation of chapter (mumbles).
Will understand new (mumbles),
observation or capacity for
the (mumbles) and environment.
Take into account the
subject's unfamiliar knowledge
and emotional disconnected attributes.
Chapter 13, the catharsis.
The final and most critical phase
is the triggering of the
catharsis. Having conditioned
the subject, the
catharsis can be triggered
with a sudden or aptly loud noise,
a sentimental image, or such
intrinsic aspects as music.
(piano music)
The process of releasing and thereby,
providing a relief from
stronger repressed emotions
is only obtained if the subject
has been properly
conditioned for such release.
(piano music)
Who's Zalambur?
Didn't I already tell you boys that?
He was a 13th century writer,
poet, and philosopher.
He was a man of enlightenment and
courage, and intellect.
A man removed from history prematurely.
(eerie music)
Oh yeah!
What happened to him?
Well, the truth is not always
what is desired by the powers that be.
Education and enlightenment
are two different things.
Gobles, and Stalin, and Mickey Myshka
educated the people,
but he didn't enlighten them.
The last thing a despot wants
is an enlightened population.
You can't control an
enlightened population.
So what happened to him?
(eerie music)
(mob yelling)
(loud crash)
(people shout)
(thunder rumbles)
(lightning cracks)
(electricity buzzes)
(eerie music)
(pounding on door)
(pounding on door)
(eerie music)
The prince of the
region silenced his voice.
How did he do that?
Et praeciderunt caput.
(wind howls)
(eerie music)
Sie schnitten ihm den Kopf
(eerie music)
(wind howls)
Hanno tagliato la testa.
(eerie music)
They cut his head off.
Oh!
(blade rings)
(loud chop)
Oh.
Oh.
(wind howls)
It's a funny thing,
how men who lived 600 years ago
could comfort a child
long after his death.
We never know how our
actions affect others,
even long after we are dead.
But when I wasn't reading
Zalambur, I was peeling potatoes.
Potatoes?
- Potatoes?
- Potatoes?
Yeah, potatoes.
Babushka was a bootlegger.
She had a still in the
attic of the orphanage.
She made the children work
with her unholy endeavor.
Now that's what I meant by free labor.
I had to peel the potatoes and the girls
carried them up to the
attic and once again,
a stormy night like this one
brought the phantom of
bad luck to my side.
(thunder rumbles)
(lightning cracks)
(eerie music)
(thunder rumbles)
(eerie music)
(thunder rumbles)
(eerie music)
(lightning cracks)
(eerie music)
(eerie orchestral music)
(thunder rumbles)
(lightning cracks)
(eerie music)
(thunder rumbles)
(lightning cracks)
(eerie music)
(thunder rumbles)
(eerie music)
Two little coffins for two little girls.
How sad.
Of course, Madam Babushka
was right next to
the still when it blew up, so her coffin
was a little bit smaller.
(eerie music)
So I grew up in even the relative comfort
of the orphanage past.
I knocked around for a little while
without any prospects.
No family.
Wealth.
No Ivy League education,
and no future.
But then I caught a break!
Industrialization and
old European imperialism
begat one another and gave birth to war.
(piano music)
(orchestral music)
I was finally going to free myself
from this string of bad luck,
to start anew with grand
resolve, strength, and aplomb.
(tango music plays)
(tango music ends)
(thunder rumbles)
Now contrary to popular belief,
a military endeavor does not always unwind
without what Von Clauswitz
referred to as friction.
Oh!
Yes, Von Clauselwts.
Yeah, Von Clauselwit.
See, Murphy's Law and
friction are synonymous
just as the detailed
and structured bad plans
become irrelevant post first shot.
So the law of probability tilts
toward the outcome of desolation.
As it would be with all
the current technology
of communications, message runners
were still needed to transfer
information between units.
A single man, alone, with the least amount
of protection had to navigate the terrain
and elements, carrying the
very thoughts of an army.
The very worst position to be in (laughs).
As the law would have
it, this task befell me.
So there I was, alone and vulnerable,
perverse enough, burnt land
which was once a paradise,
back and forth, back and forth,
exposed to all of the dangers and horrors
risen from hell,
the disambiguation of life.
Now (laughs), you may think
that bad luck is interminable.
What's intermble?
It means incessant.
Oh, yeah!
(laughs) Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
(fly buzzes)
(distorted ringing)
One day as I was making my routine route
between military outposts,
I came across the most beautiful sight
that I had ever seen.
(cheerful accordion music)
She was the most prepossessing
and beguiling woman.
She took me in, fed, and comforted me.
We spent all of my free
time that autumn together,
eating, drinking, laughing,
and listening to the radio.
(big band music)
(wind howls)
(rain patters)
(thunder rumbles)
What happened to her?
(wind howls)
The same thing that happens
to everyone who comes in contact with me.
(wind howls)
(rain patters)
(lightning cracks)
That New Years Eve, there
was a terrible storm.
I was able to appropriate a
bottle of champaign from the PX.
I thought all of my
bad luck was behind me.
A new beginning.
I finally found love in this world
of torment and tribulation.
(somber orchestral music)
(cork pops)
(lightning cracks)
(wind howls)
GiGi
(wind howls)
(rain patters)
GiGi
(rain patters)
What happened to her?
(rain patters)
(thunder rumbles)
Spring turns to summer,
summer turns to autumn,
and autumn turns to the Ardennes.
(lightning cracks)
(thunder rumbles)
(wind howls)
(orchestral music)
(sighs) Isolation, for some people,
can be maddening.
Isolation for me, and
under these circumstances,
forced me to reflect on
the events in my life.
(orchestral music)
What brought me to this place of death?
Would my luck change?
Questions every man ponders,
a common thread.
The apparitions of death
that I saw as a child.
The Banshee.
(thunder rumbles)
Banshee, what's a banshee?
Oh, you don't want to know
about anything like that.
(thunder rumbles)
What's a banshee?
Forget I even mentioned it.
You know, as soon as this storm resides,
you two had best
be on your way.
I think you'll be fine.
Okay, from what?
- What's a banshee?
- What's a banshee?
Oh, you don't want to know about
anything about that.
Forget I even mentioned it.
You two best be on your way.
I think you'll be okay.
(thunder rumbles)
(rain patters)
(lightning cracks)
Gather the children,
proclaim unto them this tale
of death and destruction
from the foul banshee's wail!
(lightning cracks)
(eerie music)
(banshee cackles)
You see, I began to realize
that any time something bad happens,
it was always accompanied
by a storm and thunder,
whether it be natural or not.
And then I would hear the wail.
It's the most horrifying
sound in the world.
The wail of the banshee!
(thunder rumbles)
What's that?
A ghost or something.
I don't believe in ghosts.
Neither did anyone else.
At first, even I dismissed
the conclusions of my observations,
but then I began to remember the tales
told me when I was a boy.
The old little stories,
the wail of the banshee
and the accompanying death.
(rain patters)
You see, a banshee is a spirit
that materializes just before
death in an Irish family.
And then I began to remember
the apparitions that I had seen as a boy
and the corresponding
deaths of those around me.
And they were not methodical or random.
They were always accompanied
by some sort of storm.
It was not me she was after.
It was always those near me.
(clears throat)
Then came the next installment of doom.
December 16th, 1944.
The last push of the
Germans, their death throes.
The Battle of the Bulge was about to begin
and I was smack dab, right in front of it.
(percussive music)
(eerie music)
(eerie organ music)
There I was, isolated, alone,
cut off from my lines,
wandering the aftermath
of her wretched spell.
(eerie music)
I was exhausted, sick,
on the verge of death,
looking for shelter.
I collapsed and began to fall asleep,
thinking the world would
be better off without me.
(eerie music)
Happy birthday, Murphy!
(gun bolt clicking)
(German speaking)
(tank engine hums)
(German speaking)
(dramatic music)
(German speaking)
Where is the other?
(dramatic music)
I woke the next morning,
discovered that I had
stumbled into the German
cannon battery, their
last line of defense.
What could I do?
Run?
Stay?
(sighs) And then I realized
what was about to happen.
It all made sense.
The she-devil had brought me there
to bring about the last
throes of destruction.
(dramatic music)
The next storm approached
and there was nothing
I could do to stop it.
(dramatic music)
(percussive music)
(cannons fire)
(loud explosion)
(bombs whistle)
(loud explosion)
(bombs whistle)
(loud explosion)
(bombs whistle)
(truck crashes)
(bombs whistle)
(loud explosion)
(loud explosion)
(body thump)
(bombs whistle)
(loud explosion)
(cannon fires)
(bombs whistle)
(loud explosion)
(banshee cackles)
(wind howls)
(bomb whistles)
(loud explosion)
(bombs whistle)
(tank and tracks)
(gun fires)
(eerie music)
(loud explosion)
(eerie music)
They were all dead.
(thunder rumbles)
(rain patters)
But you lived.
That's not bad luck.
Oh yeah, I survived
the first bombardment,
but then the last gun
firing the last shell
of that last battle had my name on it
and I ended up with
a tin plate in my head!
(metal plate clanking)
(rain patters)
(electricity buzzes)
(rain patters)
(loud sawing)
(distorted music)
(big band music)
(thunder rumbles)
(lightning cracks)
(glass clinks)
(glass breaks)
(picture creaks)
You had your chance to leave, boys!
(somber organ music)
But now it's too late!
(eerie music)
(dramatic music)
The she-devil has arrived
and she's come for you!
(lightning cracks)
(dramatic music)
(thunder rumbles)
(dramatic music)
(electricity buzzes)
(banshee cackles)
(moans)
(dramatic music)
(train horn blows)
(lightning cracks)
(dramatic music)
(thunder rumbles)
(man gasps)
(rain patters)
No!
No!
(laughter)
(sniffing)
(sniffing)
Okay mister, you're right.
Your life is the worst I've ever heard.
Here.
(loud thud)
It's yours, I don't want it.
I just want to get out of here.
You can have it, you can have it,
You can have it!
I don't want it,
am I even going to get out of here?
(moans) Oh, okay.
I just want to get out of here.
(man moans)
(loud thud)
(rain patters)
(car engine starts)
(gravel crunches under tires)
(car engine hums)
(rain patters)
(cow bell clanging)
(rain patters)
(fly buzzes)
(water drips)
(rain patters)
(orchestral music)
(cheerful accordion music)