...in case we miss the train or something.
We have the big place in Yonkers. Of course.
What'd he say?
He said "of course. "
We're from Texas originally.
Of course.
What'd he say?
He said "of course. "
Why does he keep sayin' the same thing
all the time? My husband's a little deaf.
Of course. Yes.
What'd he say?
He said it's as quiet as a tomb
here... just what we're lookin' for.
I don't mind a little life. We'll
be dead soon enough. Come in.
Concrete.
I said, "Come in. "
I'm fine, thanks. How are you? I hope
all the tenants aren't as disagreeable.
I can assure you they're not. The building
is very friendly, efficient and quiet.
She got in by mistake, but
she's leaving first thing in the morning.
What? I said she's leaving
the first thing in the morning.
Who? My wife? You going home
to see your mother?
What's that? Canary?
I love birds.
I said she is leaving
the first thing in the morning.
You don't have to shout, and your best
friend oughta tell you a little secret:
Just speak in a low, clear voice. I said she's leaving
the first thing in the morning. She got in by mistake.
But tomorrow
she flies away.
I understand it's a bird.
What about it? I like birds.
It's right here.
Duplex. What's the
ceiling so high up for?
That's what duplex means... the one floor up over
the... You don't keep the apartment very clean.
What's on the balcony? You see, the
former tenants aren't getting the service.
A little delinquency in the rent. What's
he say? I don't like him to talk to me.
He says the former tenants haven't been getting
any service. That's why the place is so dirty.
They didn't pay the rent.
I don't mind a little dirt.
That's the trouble with women... always
fussin' around lookin' for something to pick on.
- You can tell me later, Arthur.
- Never satisfied with things the way the Lord made 'em.
Why, dirt's as natural in this worid
as sin, disease,
storms, twisters, floods and cyclones.
Is there anything else you'd like to try? What
you doin' in the bathtub with a wrapper on?
I might ask you what you're doing in my
bathroom. I don't suppose you go with the flat.
Nah. That's too much to hope for. Thank
you. I'm glad you like my perfume too.
Huh? I said I'm glad
you like my perfume too.
You have a lovely, clear voice,
like a bell.
If I was married to you, I'd hear everything
you said almost, but you wouldn't enjoy it.
Besides, I'm already married.
So am I.
Me too. Anyway,
I'd be too old for ya.
"Cold are the hands of time
that creep along relentlessly,
"destroying slowly but without pity
that which yesterday was young.
"Alone, our memories resist this
disintegration and grow more lovely...
with the passing years. "
That's hard to say
with false teeth.
You're a funny old man.
I didn't get it, but you looked
very pretty when you said it.
I love birds.
You do?
Say, if they're showing the apartment and
you're still in it, you must be broke, huh?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
What did you say?
Yes. That varmint rentin'
it out from under ya?
Yes.
I know how you feel.
I was broke too when I was about your age,
but I didn't have a figure like you got.
I had to use my brains. You'll get over
it. You'll get over being young too.
Someday you'll wake up and find everything
behind ya. Gives ya quite a turn.
Makes ya sorry for a few of the things
ya didn't do while ya still could.
- Are you sorry?
- How much rent do you owe?
Well, that isn't really your business.
I can't hear you. You're mumbling.
I said it isn't really your business.
I'm in the sausage business.
Don't worry about me.
This'll be a hot one on the wife. She's down
there poking her snoot in everybody's business,
egged on by that varmint.
- How much do you need?
- Don't be silly.
Will 500 cover it?
Please don't talk nonsense.
I can't hear you. You're mumbling again. You
shouldn't mumble, with such a lovely voice.
I wouldn't do this for everybody.
Look, this joke has gone far enough.
You say that ain't enough? Well, how much
do you need? You're just embarrassing me.
That's all right. Don't mention it. It's a
privilege to do a favor for such a beautiful lady.
It makes me feel young again. There. Oh.
Well, how do you suppose it makes me feel? I
haven't seen anything like this for so long.
You talkin' about the money?
Forget it. I'm cheesy with money.
I'm the Wienie King...
invented the Texas Wienie.
Lay off of'em;
you'll live longer. Here.
Buy yourself a new dress, too,
and a new hat.
You're a fine girl. So long.
Whoopee! Hot diggity!
Hello?
Give me Longacre 5-6599, please.
You see, it's strong and safe.
It's simple and practical.
It lets the light and air through,
and it's practically invisible from below.
And it's built right in the middle of
the city instead of way out in the sticks.
Excuse me a moment. Be right back.
- Yes?
- Darling, the most exciting thing has happened.
Look, honey, I'm right in the middle of
a talk with a very important gentleman.
- Could you tell me later?
- Oh, all right, dear.
Of course, this is the big one, but to build a
working model in some field or village somewhere...
that small planes could actually land
on... to prove that it was practical...
would only cost
about $99,000.
After that, we'd be on velvet.
You see,
it's a steel mesh
made of stretched cables.
Every municipality, every town,
every city needs one.
My patent is basic.
$99,000 is a lot of money.
Oh, but it isn't what it costs; it's what it
brings you back. You see, I've got $99,000 now,
but if I was to build this thing,
I might...
Let's start all over again
from the beginning.
Go ahead. My time ain't
worth anything. I'm retired.
Psst.
Hey, Mike,
come here a minute.
Take a gander inside, will ya, and see if the manager's
gone to dinner. I don't wanna see him face-to-face.
Sure. But if it's the rent you're thinking about,
you can go in and whistle up his nose. It's paid.
It's paid? What do you
mean, it's paid? It's paid.
Who paid it?
Your wife.
My wife? Well, I'm sure it wasn't
mine. An old man give her the money.
An old man give her the money? What do
you mean, an old man gave her the money?
I said I'm taking you to dinner and then the theater and
then supper, so hurry up and put on your dinner jacket.
Just a minute.
What's all this malarkey...
about some old man paying the rent for you
that the whole building is buzzing with?
Oh, it's not malarkey, darling.
Here's the receipted bill.
You see? It says "paid. " And I paid the
butcher and the grocer and the drugstore.
And I got this dress and had my hair done
and six pairs of stockings and some new shoes.
And here's $14 in change.
That's for you.
Isn't it wonderful? Sensational. But you
haven't quite answered my question yet.
What question, dear? Why this alleged
old man gave you... How much is it?
Seven hundred dollars.
Seven hundred dollars.
Why?
No reason.
Oh, is that so? He just... Seven hundred
dollars, just like that? Just like that.
I mean, sex didn't even enter into
it? Oh, but of course it did, darling.
I don't think he'd have given it to me if I had hair
like excelsior and little short legs like an alligator.
Sex always has something
to do with it, dear. I see.
From the time you're about so big and wondering why your
girlfriends' fathers are getting so arch all of a sudden.
Nothing wrong. Just an overture
to the opera that's coming.
- I see.
- You don't really, but from then on,
you get it from cops, taxi drivers,
bellboys, delicatessen dealers.
- Got what?
- The look. You know: "How's about this evening, babe?"
- So this gent gave you the look.
- The Wienie King? Oh, no.
Oh, at his age, darling, it was really more
of a blink. Really? This is very illuminating.
Well, you don't have to get rigid about
it. It was perfectly innocent, I assure you.
Where'd you meet this Wienie King?
You'll die laughing when you
hear. All right. Convulse me.
In the bathtub.
In the bathtub?
Yes. Isn't that charming? Delicious.
What were you doing in the bathtub?
I was hiding from him. Hiding? What kind of
games do you play around here while I'm out?
I wish you could've seen the expressin
on his face. I'm glad I didn't.
How much water was there in the tub?
I was standing in the bathtub, foolish.
You were standing in the bathtub?
In my pink wrapper. Oh, darling,
he was just a funny little old man
in a funny hat.
- He sat on the edge of the bed and talked for a while.
- Oh, he's on the bed now, is he?
There aren't any chairs in the bedroom,
darling. What was he doing in the bedroom?
He wanted to rent the apartment,
but when he found out we were broke,
he gave me $700 and he left.
Just like that?
Well, I did kiss him good-bye.
Now the truth is coming out.
The... Oh. The truth.
You just tell me where this Wienie King lives, and I'll
take his money back to him and tell him what I think of him.
I don't know where he lives, darling. I don't even know
his name, and I don't think they'd give the money back...
I mean, the grocer
and the drugstore and all.
You really couldn't blame them after they
waited so long. That's right. Rub it in.
Tom?
Yes?
It's wonderful to have the rent paid,
isn't it, and the bills settled up?
You feel free and clean, and I like that
feeling. I wish it were always like that.
Don't you think I do?
I'd almost forgotten what it was like.
I don't look forward to being in
debt again, slinking past everybody.
I dread it. It isn't gonna be for always.
Everybody's a flop until he's a success.
Something's bound to come through.
I got too many good ideas.
Say, there's a $2.00 overcharge here.
Now that everything's paid up,
you could move.
Well, where'd we go?
I wasn't thinking about me.
I just meant you.
Oh, you mean the bust-up?
Mm-hmm.
When'd you get that idea? This afternoon?
I've had it for some time,
but something always said, "Wait till he crashes
through. Wait till he's made one success. "
You'll never make a success with me around.
I'm just a milestone around your neck.
Millstone. I'm no good for you, darling.
I don't mean I'm not good for somebody, but I can't cook or
sew or whip up a little dress out of last year's curtains.
What difference does that make? I'm just like a car that only
gives seven miles to the tankful, only you haven't got the tankful.
Are you sure
you haven't got a tankful?
You see, by yourself, you could live so
simply. I mean, just a little room anywhere...
or maybe move in with your brother
or even use the couch in your office.
And you wouldn't keep slipping back all the
time. You could balance what you earned...
and look the worid in the eye,
maybe even get ahead a little.
Thanks. And what would you be
doing? Oh, that's no problem.
You can always find a good provider if you really
want one. He may not look like a movie star, but...
We'll get ahead someday. But I don't want it
someday. I want it now, while I can still enjoy it.
Anyway, men don't get smarter
as they grow older; they just lose their hair.
Gerry. But I would! I'm very
tired of being broke, darling,
and feeling so helpless
about having my hands tied.
I could've helped you so many times, but every time
I tried to, you tried to punch the man in the nose.
Don't talk rot. How about that
president of the smelting company?
That wolf! Well, he's still the
president of a smelting company.
We might've been in the smelting
business now, and paying our rent.
Lovely. He liked you very much, he said.
The less I hear about that hyena, the better
I'll like it. But that's what's so irritating...
to know that I could get you someplace...
without doing any harm either.
You have no idea what a long-legged
gal can do without doing anything.
And instead of that, I have to watch you stamping
around proudly, like Sitting Bull in a new blanket,
breathing through your nose
while we both starve to death.
Thanks. You don't have to keep saying
"thanks" all the time. I'm not being so nice.
That's the first time I've said it. If you
want a divorce, you're certainly entitled to it.
I don't know where the money's coming
from. The next husband always pays for that.
Oh, you have him all picked out,
have you? Oh, you're such a child!
He doesn't happen to be in the sausage
business, by any chance, does he?
I may not even get married again.
I might become an adventuress.
I can just see you starting
for China on a 26-foot sailboat.
You're thinking of an adventurer, dear.
An adventuress never goes on anything
under 300 feet, with a crew of 80.
You just let me catch you on a 300-foot
yacht, or even a 200-foot yacht.
At least I wouldn't have to worry
about the rent.
Oh, I'm sorry. Let's go
and have some dinner, hmm?
How can you think of food at a moment
like this? Because I'm a woman, maybe,
and a little more practical
than you.
Are you going to put on your dinner
jacket, or shall I take off my new dress?
Is that a new dress?
You'll always be a sister to me, huh? I
know it sounds stupid, but I'm a rotten wife.
I can't sew. I can't cook.
You certainly can't.
But just because I'm a useless wife doesn't mean I couldn't
be very valuable to you as a sister, but very valuable.
I remember that pot roast you tried. And
all the boys who wanted to go out with me...
would naturally have to be in
your good graces. Naturally.
Or I wouldn't go out with them.
I'll say you wouldn't.
They'd probably offer you
partnerships. In the smelting business.
In the smelt... No.
You could have your choice.
I don't begin and end
with a smelter, you know.
I refuse to understand what you're talking
about, Geraldine. They'd work you in on deals...
and let you in on all the good things that were
happening in the market and that kind of business.
Monkey business. Well, very few pretty
giris' brothers have ever failed, you know.
If they knew enough to
come in out of a hailstorm.
In the first place, I don't happen to
be your brother. In the second place,
may I ask who are all these men
who are gonna faint at your feet?
You'd think there aren't any! I didn't say
there weren't any; I just said, "Where are they?"
They're around. They're always there.
And they make new ones every year.
I don't wanna be rude, honey, but I... You're
not being rude, dear; you're just being yourself.
You see, you're married to me.
That's like saying you're blind to me.
For a long time, I've been a part of you, just something
to snuggle up to and keep you warm at night, like a blanket.
But you can't see me any more
than you can see the back of your neck.
I've put on new dresses.
I changed my hair.
Would you mind not looking quite so
gorgeous while you say all these things?
You're just plastered. Yes, well, better
get you home before you fall apart.
Or do you object to spending the
night under the same roof with me?
I wasn't thinking
about the roof. Come on.
Just a minute.
I gotta pay the check.
I'll sleep on the thing here.
Well, you know we don't love each other
anymore. We're just habits... bad habits.
They don't make these zippers
as well as they used to.
And when love's gone, there's nothing
left but admiration and respect.
I think it's stuck.
Will you see if you can get it?
Come around here, in the light.
Keep still, will you?
You don't think
this is a little intimate, do you?
Tsk.
Doesn't mean anything to you
anymore to sit on my lap, hmm? No.
What if I... kiss you there?
Stop it. No.
Or here.
It's nothing.
Or here.
You know I'm ticklish.
Then why is your breath coming
faster? Because you're squeezing me.
That doesn't mean anything
to you anymore, huh?
Almost nothing.
Almost nothing, huh?
Almost nothing... nothing
but a habit, a bad habit.
It is, huh?
Very, very bad and wicked...
and stupid and useless...
and young and impractical and...
Yow!
Oh! Oh, darling!
What's the big idea?
Darling, read this note.
Huh? Good-bye. God bless
you. Take care of yourself.
Hey!
- Hey, will you wait a minute?
- No, I won't. I've made up my mind. It's best for both of us,
while we're still young enough
to make other connections.
But you're forgetting a little thing called
love, honey. I love you, and you love me.
- That's all that matters. That's all you
can take with you. Everything else is...
I'm so sorry.
Please accept all my apologies.
Gerry!
Hey, Officer, hold that woman!
She stole my suitcase!
Why, you lying...
You mean this one?
That's right.
I'll be right down.
Do I look like a suitcase stealer
to you? It isn't how you look;
it's how you behave
that counts in this worid.
Now, I mind the time, and...
Oh, wise guy.
Thank you for holding her, Officer. You wanna
prepare charges or something disagreeable like that?
No, I'd prefer not to. This is my
wife, Mrs. Jeffers. Mr. Mulligan.
The name happens to be O'Donnell,
if it's all the same to you,
and I have a good mind to charge you with false
arrest, only I don't know if I could make it stick.
Why don't you try? Oh, it's too
nice a mornin'. To heck with it.
Why don't you two learn
to get along together? I had to.
Now what? Now, will you come
back upstairs and be sensible?
No, I won't. Give me back my suitcase. It was hard
enough to make up my mind to do what I know is right.
If I don't do it now, I'll never be strong
enough again. Now, give me my suitcase.
Stop talking like a fool, Gerry. Where are
you going? To visit your sister in Long Island?
Taxi! No. I'm going to get a divorce.
How can you get a divorce without money?
How can you go anyplace? Why don't you
be sensible? You just got a hangover.
I don't need any money;
I've already told you. Taxi!
Yes, ma'am? Where's the
best place to get a divorce?
Gerry, for heaven's sake. Well, most people go to
Reno, Nevada, but for my money, it's Palm Beach.
This time of year, you got the track,
you got the ocean, you got palm trees.
Three months. You leave from Penn
Station. Look. I'm in awful trouble.
I haven't got a dime. Would you take me
there for nothing? To where? Palm Beach?
No, no. Just to the station.
Oh, sure. Hop in, babe.
Thanks. Listen, you. Listen what?
Will you give me my suitcase?
Give the lady her suitcase.
Listen, you! Oh! Now,
look what you've done!
Look what I've done?
Yeah. Look what you've done.
Hey!
What's the trouble now?
Taxi!
Pick this stuff up, will you?
Hey, you have to...
Gerry!
Gerry. Gerry, stop behaving like a chicken with its head
cut off. You haven't got any money. Where can you go?
I got this far, didn't I?
Gerry!
Where's my suitcase?
Listen, honey.
Good-bye.
Gerry, listen to me. You're making a fool out of
yourself. Officer, this man is trying to molest me.
Will you stop him? Where you goin' in such a hurry,
laddie? Let the dames alone at Pennsylvania Station,
Pennsylvania Station will
leave you alone and vice versa.
That's my wife, you dumb cluck!
So now I'm a dumb cluck, am I?
I like peace, but I ain't morbid about it.
Stop annoying these dames, or I'll lock you up!
Last call, Atlantic Coastline,
Florida Special, advance section,
leaving through Gate 12 in five minutes.
Attention, please.
Miami Special, due 11:21 track three,
arriving 12:04 track six
from St. Petersburg, Tarpon Springs...
and Sarasota.
Pratt, Ale and Quail.
Billdocker.
Hitchcock.
- Hotchkiss.
- I see we got the club again, Ed.
You're tellin' me. Just let 'em
try and start somethin'. Hot dog.
Is there anything the matter, lady? Oh, I'll be
all right. I'm sure they'll come with my ticket.
Did somebody forget your ticket? I'm sure it'll be
all right. It's just that I have to get to Palm Beach.
That's too bad.
Dr. Kluck.
I'm sure they'll come.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, I'm sorry. I was
talking to the gate man.
McKeewie.
McKeewie.
I'm sure my ticket'll come. It must
come. Oh, yes, it must. By all means.
Asweld. You say your ticket didn't
come yet? You haven't got much time.
No, but it'll be here, I'm sure. Yeah,
well, if there's anything I can do...
Thank you.
Name, please.
Go ahead.
Hinch and valet.
Hinch and valet.
I'm sure it'll be all right. Is
there something the matter, madam?
Oh, nothing that anyone
can help me with, I'm afraid.
It just looks as if my ticket isn't
going to get here on time. My gracious.
There oughta be some solution
to that problem.
I can't think of any.
My gracious.
No ticket?
No ticket.
Jones.
Jones.
Featherwax.
Featherwax.
Attention, please.
Florida Mail
leaving through Gate 9, 11:57.
Newark, Trenton, North Philadelphia,
Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington...
You'd think one of them would offer a
lady a ticket. Well, I couldn't accept it.
Why not? Rich millionaires?
I have a feeling that
everything's going to be all right.
Aye!
Did it come yet?
No, but it's all right.
What do you mean, it's all
right? It's far from all right.
We have a wonderful idea. The other
members and myself, having talked it over...
We have a private car.
We have tons of tickets.
I could never accept. We're just
goin' to Savannah to shoot quail.
But if you wanna go any further, we'd gladly...
You can be our mascot. You must be our mascot.
Do you think it's all right?
All right? It's perfect.
Oh, then thank you
for your chivalry, gentlemen.
I accept with pleasure.
The pleasure is ours.
This is Asweld of American Asweldocan. Mr. Hinch.
You've heard of Hinch's Emulsin, I presume?
- And I'm McKeewie of the Seventh National.
- And I'm Mrs. Thomas Jeffers, alias Geraldine.
Geraldine.
And thank you for your chivalry.
- Anytime from 8:00 to 12:00.
- Gerry!
Good-bye, dear.
Let me through there.
You got a ticket?
No, you don't.
No ticket, no passage.
All aboard.!
- Gerry! Gerry!
Hiya! Come on in!
Oh, hello! Glad you could come.
Here. Not while we're on duty.
Thanks. Who's the head man here?
You mean the president of the club?
Whoever has the tickets. We don't care.
Oh, Ozzie!
Front and center!
Oh, this is Mr. Osmond, president of
the Ale and Quail Club. How are you?
It's about the tickets.
How many in the party?
How many members in this club?
Well, there's...
there's Ozzie and Hitchie
and him and him.
That makes four. And you
and me. That makes six.
I'm not a member of this club.
Why not?
Oh, it isn't good enough for you, eh? Now, let's
get this straight. How many members are there?
One, two, three,
four, five, six. Six.
All right. That's three.
Now, we'll start from there.
You tryin' to make a liar
out of me? Mr. President,
I move that this member
be expelled!
Second the motion.
All those in favor say "aye"!
Aye.!
All right. We're expelled.
Have a drink, boys.
Okay. That's four.
That's seven!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
What's the matter with you? You cockeyed?
It ain't me that's cockeyed.
Lookin' for trouble, eh?
Mr. Osmond doesn't always
carry his liquor to perfection.
Now, let's start this all over.
Now, just a moment, Officer.
I'm not an officer.
I'm a conductor on this train.
All in "flavor," say "aye"!
Aye!
Opposed?
Nay!
Opposition vote.
No!
Good night.
Good night.
If there's the slightest trouble, just
knock on my wall. Oh, thank you, Mr...
Don't give it a thought. As I've so often said at dinners
and our little gatherings and... Where's your baggage?
My bag... What? Where's your luggage?
What are you going to sleep in?
Oh, that's quite all right. I'll
just... You see, I left so hurriedly.
Why, bless my soul, you stay right here.
I'll have you a pair of pajamas for you...
What size do you take? Never mind. You'll have to
take my size. They may be a little big, but still...
Suwannee River
That's where the old folks stay
All the worid is sad
and dreary
Everywhere I roam
Oh, darkies, how my heart
grows weary
Far from the old folks
at home
Any calls?
Hello there. Where's that pretty girl with the
nice figure that lives here that I seen yesterday?
Who are you? I'm fine, thanks. How are
you? You must be her husband. Where is she?
- What's that your business?
- I'm in the sausage business. Just wanted to tell her we moved in after all.
- Took the green apartment down the hall that the opera singer moved out of.
- She's gone.
I say she's gone! She's gone to
Florida! She's going to divorce me!
You say she's gone?
That's right.
Good for her.
A pretty girl like that can get anybody.
Why hang around
with a man that can't pay the rent?
Look here, you old rattle-brain, you've made trouble
enough around here without getting insulting about it!
Don't threaten me! I'm twice your age and only half
as big, but I'm mighty handy with a shillelagh...
I'm sorry. I guess you didn't mean any
harm! You're probably very kind at that.
You say she's gone and
left you? That's right.
- How did she go? By train?
- That's right. That's right!
Why don't you fly down there in an "airy-o-plane"
with a bunch of roses in your hand...
and meet her when she gets off
and bring her home?
Because I'm not in the sausage business!
So am I, and it's a good business...
if you know
where to get the meat cheap.
That's my secret,
and I ain't tellin' no one.
- Have you got money for an
"airy-o-plane" ticket? - No!
Then why don't you say so instead of standin'
there like a big stinkweed! How much do you need?
Open the door.!
What'd you say?
Open the door.!
We want you to hear something.
Oh, but I've gone to bed.
That's all right. Get back in
bed. We'll put you to sleep.
Come on in, boys.
Take your places.
Now, we all set?
Everybody all right?
Sweet Adeline
My Adeline
For you I pine
In all my dreams
It's supposed to be a gun club,
not a blasted singin' society.
Make mine with plain water.
Never mind the ice.
Oughta expel 'em all from the club,
the bunch of coeds.
"Sweet Adeline"! Phew!
Never mind the ice.
Just plain water.
Oh, thank you so much.
Bang, bang!
What are you laughin' at?
Never touched them.
Is that so? Bang, bang! I suppose
I never touched 'em that time?
The left one got away. "The left one got
away"! You oughta have your eyes examined.
Toss up a couple of
crackers, George. Yes, sir.
- Ready?
- Bang, bang!
I suppose I missed 'em that time?
Both of'em!
I suppose you could do better?
For 50 bucks!
Fifty bucks! Who'll be the
judge? You'll be the judge.
All right. Go ahead! No. Not with that
old blunderbuss. I'll use my own gun.
"You'll be the judge"! Get me a lot of crackers,
George. I'm gonna take this sucker to the cleaners.
"You'll be the judge. "
For 50 bucks.
Fifty bucks.
And you'll be the judge.
I'll be the judge.
All right. Go ahead!
Yes, sir.
That's 50 bucks.
Bet you can't do it again.
You're on!
Come on! Fifty dollars!
Fifty dollars!
Bang, bang! Bang, bang!
Wait a minute!
You're usin' real shells!
Well, what did you think
I was usin'? Bird seed?
Well, wait a minute. Two can play at that
game. Why, certainly. It's lots of fun.
Toss 'em up, George.!
I wouldn't do that if I were you, gentlemen.
The conductor's apt
to get a little irritated.
- Will ya toss those crackers up?
- Yes, sir.
Wait a minute! You weren't
supposed to shoot that time!
All right. It's my turn this
time. All right. Fifty dollars.
I wouldn't do that if I were you,
gentlemen. You apt to do some damage.
Will you toss 'em up,
or am I gonna toss you up?
No, sir! I mean, yes, sir!
Good night, ladies
Good night, ladies
What was that noise?
We're goin' to leave you now
Merrily we roll along
Roll along, roll along
Fellas! Trap shooting!
What?
Trap shooting!
I wouldn't do that
if I were you, gentlemen.
I wouldn't...
Gentlemen.! Gentlemen.! Remember
we have a lady as our guest.
Gentlemen.!
Gentlemen, if I were you...
Why don't you wait till you...
Gentlemen, please.!
Sorry.
Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry!
Oh, I hope I didn't hurt you!
That's quite all right. Just pick off
any little pieces you see, will you?
Ohh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, this is awful.
Oh, dear. I can't tell you how
sorry I am. Don't mention it.
I break them all the time. Were you
climbing upstairs? Well, I was, yes.
Just a minute. I'll help you.
You're much too kind.
- Quiet!
- Yes.
Now, you put one foot here and one
foot there, and you'll be up in a jiffy.
I'd gladly trade berths with you, but mine has
already been slept in. Oh, no. I wouldn't dream of it.
You've been much too kind
already. Thank you so much. Quiet.!
Is that right? You're standing on
my hand, but otherwise, it's perfect.
I'm so sorry. Don't mention it.
You're as light as a feather.
Thank you. Good night.
Good night.
One there. One over there.
Yeah.
Heave ho.
The... Oh, would you mind
giving my foot a little push?
Gladly.
There.
Thank you so much.
Is something the matter?
Nothing at all.
Everything is fine, thank you.
- Oh. Good night.
- Good night.
She's gone!
Who's gone?
Let's organize a posse!
Hooray!
Where's the dogs? You can't
have a posse without the dogs.
Hooray!
Heigh-ho, the merry-o
a- hunting we will go
A- hunting we will go
A- hunting we will go
A- hunting we will go
There's a posse goin' through the train!
A posse?
I knew it! I knew it!
- Come on, Al!
- A-hunting we will go
- A-hunting we will go
heigh-ho, the merry-o
A- hunting we will go
A- hunting we will go
A- hunting we will go
heigh-ho, the merry-o
A- hunting we will go
Go on! Go on!
- Fellas, they found something!
Hooray! Yippee!
- A- hunting we will go - What's
going on here? Get back to your car!
- Who are you? You're expelled!
- Get back to your car, or I'll call the engine crew...
and have you locked up.!
Who brought those dogs
in here? Get 'em outta here!
Who fired that shot?
Don't you know that's a misdemeanor?
Get back to your car, or I'll wire ahead
and have you all locked up.!
Now, get out of here!
Get back to your car! Go on!
Get 'em out! Get 'em out!
Heigh-ho, the merry-o
a- hunting we will go
- Are you all right?
- A- hunting we will go
F- Fine, thank you.
Heigh-ho, the merry-o
a- hunting we will go
Heigh-ho, the merry-o
a- hunting we will go
A- hunting we will go
A- hunting we will go
A- hunting we will go
A- hunting we will go
Heigh-ho, the merry-o
Oh, you will, will you? Well, I'll show
you! This is one trip you'll remember.
No, ma'am. What do you mean,
my clothes aren't there?
They're in stateroom "B," in the private
car behind the diner... the club car...
with my ticket, my handbag, my
lipstick and everything. No, ma'am.
"No, ma'am. " You just didn't
look. Oh, yes, ma'am, I looked.
But I didn't see it 'cause it weren't
there. That's why I didn't see it.
I suppose it just blew up.
No, ma'am. We set it out.
You set it out? Yes, ma'am. The
conductor kinda got riled up with 'em,
so he just set it out on a siding at
Rockingham Hamlet for 'em to cool off.
A very pretty little city. Never mind
the geography. Where's the conductor?
He got off at Rawley. That's where
he lives. Last call for breakfast.
Dining car in the rear.
Very pretty countryside there.
You don't seem to understand. My clothes
are lost. Shut up. Last call for breakfast.
No, ma'am. They ain't lost.
Nothin' ever gets lost on a Pullman.
I recollect one time
a lady left a whole pile...
I just want to get into my
clothes. You can't do that.
What do I go around in? A blanket
like an Indian? I got a brown overcoat.
Well, that's very kind of you.
Hello.
Hello.
What are you doing for breakfast?
Well, if you don't ask me,
I won't be doing much.
And if you do ask me, it might make
quite a scandal. Lady lose her clothes.
You lost your clothes?
Why, that's terrible.
And my ticket and my bag
and my shoes and my makeup,
my toothbrush...
only I don't think I had one.
This is disgraceful. I'll certainly write to the
president of the company. How could such a thing happen?
I don't know. My things seem to have gotten
into a car back there somewhere somehow,
and now the car just
doesn't seem to be there.
Not that car full of drunks, I hope, that
they had to disconnect. Oh, perish the thought.
Well, as soon as we come to a town, I
could jump over to a store and jump back.
With a Mother Hubbard.
Well, that's very kind of you.
In the meantime, I suppose
I'll have to lie here in this hat rack.
Anyway, I haven't any money
for you to jump over to a store.
Oh, I have money.
Oh, you have?
Oh, yes. Now, if you could just
get to a store to pick out what you need...
- We got a stretcher in the baggage car.
- Wouldn't that be stretching it a little?
Wait a minute.
Maybe we could borrow some odd pieces
among the lady passengers. Oh, murder.
You take that side, and I'll
take this side. Yes, sir.
And I'll take the neck.
Here, we've got some more.
Or are you satisfied?
Satisfied?
I could lend you my earrings.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Oh! Why, that's lovely.
Now you won't need anything else.
That's what you think.
Yes, ma'am.
If there's one thing I admire, it's a woman
who can whip up something out of nothing.
You should taste my
popovers. I'd love to.
The homely virtues
are so hard to find these days...
a woman who can sew and cook
and bake, even if she doesn't have to.
And knit and...
And weave.
You're joking, but I mean
seriously... That is a woman.
Were you going to buy me
some breakfast,
or would you like me to bake you
something at the table?
I like a witty woman too.
Now, what will you have?
The 35-cent breakfast
seems the best at first glance,
but if you analyze it for solid value,
the 55-center is the one.
I wouldn't want to impose. No. Feel
free to choose anything you like.
There's even a 75-cent breakfast, if
it appeals to you. We might share one.
Wait a minute. With two eggs,
toast and choice of fruit thrown in,
I'm not sure the 75-cent breakfast
isn't the best value after all.
Do we dare? I'm not really
the way you think I am.
It's just my upbringing.
Oh, waiter.
Yes, sir.
Two 75-cent breakfasts, please.
I'll start with a prairie oyster.
Yes, ma'am.
It's a very tempting choice
in the $1.10 breakfast.
Two 75-cent breakfasts. I'll start with a prairie
oyster also, whatever it is. Make mine on the half shell.
Yes, sir. Prairie oysters is
la carte. All right, all right.
They always get the best of you somehow.
Now, you say you have no ticket? That's right.
Naturally, I can't buy you a ticket.
I mean, a perfectly strange young woman.
Naturally. In the first
place, you wouldn't accept it.
In the second place...
There's the expense.
I wasn't actually thinking of that.
Now, I get off atJacksonville.
I guess I do too,
unless they throw me off sooner.
Suppose we go to a store in Jacksonville and buy you the
few things you need, and then you come with me by boat?
You won't have had to accept a ticket from somebody you
don't know, but you'll still get to where you're going.
I don't have to row, do I?
Two prairie oysters.
Oh, very nice. Let's have
that one too. How much is it?
That is 212.50, monsieur.
We'll take it.
We'll take it.
I didn't expect you
to buy me all this stuff.
I really don't think
I can accept it.
If you'd just get me a dress
and some shoes and a hat,
and really more
in the nature of a loan.
Nonsense. It's cheaper in the end
to buy good quality...
and enough of them
so that you don't wear them out.
They last longer, they look better, and
there's a certain pleasure to having a change.
Well, that's awfully kind of you.
Are you sure you can afford all this?
I think so. We haven't done
anything very extravagant yet.
Well, I'd hate to have you
end up on a chain gang.
I think we're still perfectly safe. Oh.
You're really sure it's all right?
Oh, certainly.
You're not a burglar or something?
Oh, no. That was my grandfather.
At least that's what they called him.
Oh. Yes.
Do you like this one?
Oh, it's lovely.
But aren't the sleeves a little short?
Oh, that is for the bracelet, monsieur.
That is what we call the bracelet length.
Oh. Would you like a bracelet?
- What kind of a bracelet do you mean?
- Any kind you like.
You mean with stones? Certainly
with stones! They are all the rage.
Why not? What kind
of stones do you like?
Well...
Red. That is all the rage.
You mean like garnets?
Don't you think garnets
are a little lifeless?
Oh.
Why, certainly.
This is great fun.
I've never bought things for a girl before.
I mean, in any such quantities.
You've been denying yourself, monsieur,
one of the basic pleasures in life.
I guess I have.
All right.
Plus tax.
Yes, it's these taxes
that get you down.
I keep feeling that two men
with butterfly nets...
are going to creep up behind you
and lead you away.
You're thinking of my uncle. I'm not the
crazy one in the family. I'm perfectly normal.
Why do you travel around
in a lower berth?
I find it a little stuffy in an upper.
Oh, you mean why don't I take a stateroom?
Yes.
Staterooms are un-American.
Well, thank you.
Don't mention it.
Now, if you can't think of anything else,
we'd better get started.
Just charge everything, please,
and have it put in the taxi. Good day.
Excuse me. Oh, I'm so sorry. Forgive me.
I'm so used to buying in stores where
I'm known that it totally slipped my mind.
Mr. Ha... Ha... That's all
right. Don't mention it.
Excuse me, please. I didn't... Good day.
Well, what are you standing there for?
Where are the packages?
How about some service?
Why do I got to do everything myself?
Is this yours?
Oh, yes. Actually, it was
my grandfather's, but he didn't like it.
He only used it once.
This was his hat.
Do you happen to remember
how much tip I gave the taxi driver?
Well, I didn't see the coin, but from
his face, I think it was 10 cents.
Tipping is un-American.
What's your name?
Hackensacker.
NotJohn D. Hackensacker!
Oh, I'm not my grandfather, of course.
He's dead anyway. I'm John D. The Third.
Well, then you're one
of the richest men in the worid.
Yes, I suppose so.
I would step on your face.
That's quite all right.
I rather enjoyed it.
Twice!
You made quite an impressin.
May I get you a rug, madam?
Oh, no, thank you.
Will you dine on deck,
Mr. Hackensacker, or in the saloon?
We can have it on deck, if you like,
but it blows everything all over the place.
There are a lot of inconveniences to yachting
that most people don't know anything about.
Give me the peaceful train.
In the saloon, please.
Very good, madam.
See what I mean? I just happen to own
this thing, or I'd never go near it.
Did you say you wereJohn D.
The Third or the Fourth?
The Third. The Fourth
will be my son, when I marry.
Oh. Then it really didn't mean anything
to you to buy me all those things, did it?
Well, I can't pretend that it was a great sacrifice,
but it did give me a great deal of pleasure.
You like to write
in your little book.
It used to please my grandfather.
It's just a habit. It's nonsense really.
I write things down,
but I never add them up.
Where are you staying in
Palm Beach? Oh, no place yet.
Where are you staying?
At my sister's. Oh, yes, the
princess. Or is it the duchess?
Princess Centimillia.
Of course.
What are you going
to Palm Beach for?
A divorce.
Oh.
Well, you needn't look so sour about it. Your
sister's been divorced five times, hasn't she?
No, no. Three.
She was annulled twice.
Oh. Well, I've never
been divorced before.
Good. By the way,
what is your name?
Oh, Jeffers. GeraldineJeffers.
Was he brutal to you?
Oh, not particularly.
A drunkard, huh?
No, not congenital
or anything like that.
Women always protect
the man they've been married to.
Yes, I suppose it's human nature.
Did he beat you?
Not often.
The hound.
Oh, a man's a man, I suppose.
They're all tarred with the same brush.
How brave you are. When I marry,
there'll be no divorce.
That's why I've been
a little cautious.
You're afraid somebody'll marry you
for your money. Oh, I expect that.
When money reaches certain proportions, you
can't ignore it any more than you can a-a...
A horse in a bedroom. I wasn't thinking
exactly of that, but it'll serve.
I see marriage
as a sort of permanent welding,
a growing together of two trees, in spite of
anything my sister can demonstrate to the contrary,
into a sort of permanent
mess... mass,
like a permanent grafting of two trees
into a permanent graft.
Oh, that one's too easy.
Oh, you mean a permanent graft...
I get it. But it doesn't have to be.
It can be very nice, I'm sure.
Oh, it can be. And after
the divorce, you have plans?
Oh, yes. Anybody I know? I know
almost everybody in Palm Beach.
Oh, no. I haven't picked him out yet.
Just some very rich man.
Some very rich man?
Oh, I wasn't thinking of anyone as rich
as you. That might get to be annoying.
It is. Is it? No, I just meant
somebody who's well-fixed...
and could spare the $99,000
without missing it too much.
I'm not quite sure I understand
about the $99,000.
Well, you see, he just
happens to need $99,000,
and, after all, I don't see any reason why he
shouldn't get it if I'm throwing it out the windows.
This is your last husband
you're talking about? Yes.
He wants to sell you for $99,000? Oh, no,
no. I don't think he had any such idea at all.
Well, what do you call it? Well, I mean,
after all, I... He's entitled to something.
I mean, he did protect me
and give me food, such as it was,
and clothes, such as they were, for
a few years, and now, if I can repay...
But the man is a vermin.
No court of law...
- Don't you think I'm worth $99,000?
- That has nothing to do with it.
You're probably worth that,
twice that, three times.
But even so, the days of serfdom...
I mean bondage...
I mean, the days you bought
a wife for a cow are over.
Chivalry is not only dead,
it's decomposed.
Well, how much
did this yacht cost you?
That is entirely beside the point.
A woman is not a vessel.
I mean, of all the filthy things
I've heard in my life, I still...
How does he want it?
In cash, maybe.
In cash. So I won't stop the check, the
scoundrel! I don't mean me. I mean whoever's...
Oh, well, I don't think he'll
ever get it. It was just an idea.
There is a name for such reptiles, but I won't
sully this sweet ocean breeze by mentioning it.
I may not be exactly in the best of shape,
but if ever I meet this Mr. Jeffers,
I'll thrash him
within an inch of his life.
Oh, then I hope you never meet him.
I suppose he's large.
Well, he's not small.
That's one of the tragedies
of this life...
that the men who are most in need
of a beating up are always enormous.
She's a tall, dark-haired girl
with big eyes.
Yes, sir. You mean the young lady that
lose all her clothes. Lost all her clothes?
Yes, sir. But we fix her up with a blanket
when she got off atJacksonville.
She got off atJacksonville?
Yes, sir.
Alone? Well, you might
practically say she's alone.
The gentleman that got off with her give
me 10 cents from New York toJacksonville.
Watch your step, lady.
She's alone, but she don't know it.
Never mind the philosophy.
Then she's atJacksonville!
Yes, sir. No, sir. Oh, she said that he said
he was gonna take her down there on his boat.
I suppose she means "yachet," but I don't
see how no gentleman can give me a dime...
from New York toJacksonville
can have a "yachet. "
Maybe a canoe or a bicycle.
Yes, sir.
Hey, let me use these a
minute, will you? Surely.
Thanks.
Anytime.
I think you'll like
Palm Beach very much.
Yoo-hoo!
Who's that? Oh, that's my sister,
the princess. Hello, Maude.
Hello, Snoodles.
Where'd you get the pretty girl?
- Greetings.
- She calls me Snoodles.
Is that the prince?
No, the prince is all washed up.
This is something new.
It might be a duke.
It might be her tailor too.
She goes out with anything.
Hello, darling.
What a perfectly beautiful day.
Were you seasick on the way down?
Wherever did you find her?
This is Toto. Say "How do
you do," Toto. Greetings.
Toto's a refugee from his
creditors, I think. Greetings.
Glad to be aboard, sir. How
are you, darling? Hello, Maude.
Hello. Glad to see you aboard. You get
prettier as one gets nearer. Thank you.
How did you manage it?
He's stiffer than a plank.
This must have done him a power of
good. This is my sister Maude, Mrs...
Don't tell me he doesn't know your name!
This is perfectly marvelous.
Tell me he picked you up on the train,
and you'll make me a happy woman.
Greetings. All right, you've said how
do you do. Wait till I tell the papers!
Maude, somebody meeting you, not knowing you
were cracked, might get the wrong impressin.
Did he really pick you up on the train? I was in
awful trouble until he nobly came to my rescue.
Now you've spoiled everything. I hoped
for once he hadn't done anything noble.
What a lovely suit.
He bought me this.
Why, Snoodles, you rat! We'll work this into
something yet. This is perfectly electrifying.
You must come and stay with us. You're
divorced, of course? No, no, not quite.
Oh, I don't think I'm quite through with the prince
yet either. We can look for new husbands together.
I'm thinking of an American at the moment.
It seems more patriotic.
Greetings. No, no, Toto. His
English is a little elementary.
What language does he speak?
I don't know. I think it's Baluchistan,
but it's impossible to tell.
Hello. Let's go ashore, and
we'll have a wonderful time.
You're perfectly respectable,
but as long as we don't roll on the floor...
and give the butler hysterics,
we'll be cooking on the front burner.
I talk a lot, don't I?
Yes!
Ah, Snoodles,
you snake in the grass.!
Did you have to get him drunk,
or how did you do it? Maude!
Look at that very handsome man.
I wonder who he is.
I don't think I've seen him around before. I
thought I knew all the handsome men in this village.
We could use some new faces.
It isn't possible.
What isn't possible? I think I know
that man. In fact, I'm sure of it.
What did you follow me
down here for anyway?
What do you mean, what did I follow you down here for?
You're my wife, aren't you? You're making an ass of yourself,
exposing yourself to all sorts of dangers I
promised to love, honor and protect you from.
But that isn't fair. I'm doing this for
you too. I don't want you to do any more.
But, look, I've left you.
I'm not your wife any longer.
Gerry, darling.
No, no. Stop it.
Well, I must say you do know him!
This is the Princess Centimillia.
My brother, Captain Mc... McGlue.
What?
Captain! We should have met sooner.
If I'd seen you around, we would have.
This is my brother, Captain Hackensacker.
Captain McGlue.
That's an odd name.
Yes, isn't it? How do you do,
Captain? I'm not a captain.
That's my sister's joke
because I own a yacht.
That's my sister's joke
because I don't own one.
Very glad to meet you. Your sister didn't tell me
she had a brother here. No, I just dropped over.
You're staying with us, of course.
We wouldn't want to inconvenience you.
Inconvenience us?
We practically run a hotel anyway.
This will give the servants some exercise.
I won't take no for an answer.
Your brother's a fine-looking man.
You look exactly alike.
I suppose he's married.
No, no. He's entirely free.
You don't tell me!
Now, look...
Her bark is worse than her bite.
That's what you think!
I wish I hadn't brought Toto along.
Somebody think of an errand to send him on.
Hello. Toto, this is Captain McGlue.
I'm going to see more of him
and less of you from now on.
Hello. Listen carefully,
dear. I left my handkerchief...
You go fetch it, see?
Nitz.
Yitz, Toto.
Nitz.
It'll be nitz to you, Toto.
And now, Captain,
you may take my arm.
Uh... What did you say
you were captain of?
I didn't say a word about it.
How wonderful it is
meeting a silent American again.
All my husbands were foreigners.
And such chatterboxes!
I could hardly
get a word in edgeways.
They make a handsome
couple, don't they? Pardon?
My sister and your brother.
It'd be nice if something came of it.
Oh... Oh! Oh, yes, wouldn't it?
It would be wonderful for him.
Of course, she's no bargain,
but it might happen very easily.
She's a woman of iron determination, and once
her mind is made up, he might as well yield.
I can see what you mean. I'm glad you're
gonna stay with us, and your brother too.
Are you? I don't know why I didn't
think of it. Or maybe I did think of it.
But it took someone of my sister's courage
to make it come true. You're very sweet.
Thank you very much.
The captain's a big fellow, isn't he?
Yes, isn't he?
You look exactly alike.
Yes, don't we? You know,
people always remark on it.
Why don't you marry her?
She's lovely.
In the first place, she isn't free yet. In the second
place, you don't marry somebody you just met. I don't.
But that's the only way, dear. If you get to
know too much about them, you'd never marry them.
I'd marry Captain McGlue tomorrow, even
with that name. And divorce him next month.
Nothing is permanent in this worid
except Roosevelt, dear.
As a matter of fact, Maude, I'm becoming
very attracted to this young woman,
more so than anyone I've known
the same length of time. Aha!
But I want to know how she is
early in the morning, late at night,
under trying circumstances, as when the
servants leave, how she is with children...
What are you gonna do? Rent some?
Perhaps we could borrow some.
You mean a mock marriage?
I certainly do not.
I revere marriage, unlike some people
I could mention. Oh, here.
But why Captain McGlue?
Of all the idiotic names!
Because I want him to build
your airport for you, darling.
He seems to have something against my
husband. I don't know why. But as my brother...
Apart from the fact that I wouldn't
let him build a chicken coop for me,
I'd still like to know why
I'm to be called Captain McGlue!
Wasn't that your mother's name?
What? Captain McGlue?
Really, Geraldine! Her name
was McGrew. M- C-G-R-E-W.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, darling.
I remembered it as McGlue.
Yes, well, I guess I'm stuck
with it now. Captain McGlue!
What am I supposed to be
captain of? A garbage scow?
I just put that in
to make it more dignified.
Couldn't you have been a
captain in the last war? Sure.
I was 11 years old at the finish.
A captain in knee britches.
What about the Boy Scouts? I could go around
building bonfires on the drawing room carpet.
I'm sorry, darling.
I really meant it for the best.
I know you did. That's what's so irritating
about it. Where'd you get the brother idea?
Because you had
your arms around me.
Oh, I suppose no one's ever had his arms around
you except your brother, only you haven't got one.
I don't suppose Captain Hackensacker ever
put his arms around you. Of course not.
Yachts must have changed since the last time I
was on one. That's what they build yachts for.
Naturally he will put his arms
around me when and if we're engaged.
Oh, we're engaged now, are we? Well, is
there anything wrong with being engaged?
You oughta know.
Where'd you get that suit?
That's what I was telling you about.
What's that you've got on your wrist?
Just what you think it is, dear.
What kind of stones are those?
Exactly what they look like.
Do you know what it feels like
to be strangled with bare hands?
Oh, now wait a minute, darling. I've always
been on the level with you, and I always will be.
Here.
What's that supposed to be?
You put that
over on the mantlepiece.
Lovebirds, huh?
Now, so long as that's there,
you won't have the slightest,
smallest thing to be unhappy about.
That'll be a signal, and we'll
never have to mention the subject.
And that goes for you too.
Huh?
And your friend the princess you seem to
be cutting such a groove with. Princess.
Say, where'd you get the money
to fly down here anyway?
Same place you got yours,
only I didn't have to kiss him good-bye.
Oh, the Wienie King!
He wanted us to get back together, I
guess. Don't you think we owe it to him?
Look, why don't you let me go out there
and poke that guy in the nose just once!
Because I've left you, darling,
for both our good... Now just...
Excuse me. Mac, did you happen to... You don't mind if
I call you Mac, do you? Did you happen to bring a tuxedo?
The business I came here to tend to didn't
call for one. And you can stop pulling my coat.
In a pinch, you can wear one of
mine. In a pinch! That's very funny.
I won't be here that long.
Why, Mac!
That's too bad, old man. I'd hoped
you'd spend the season with us.
There's something I want to talk to you about
before you go. I'm glad you showed up when you did.
So am I. Good. I needed a
male member of Gerry's family.
You have him. Fine. Now
I have a certain thought.
I have a certain thought also,
and it's that bracelet. Mac!
I'm very glad you brought that up.
Mac is delighted with it, Snoodles.
He shouldn't be.
He isn't.
The first bracelet my sister got, I punched the
fellow in the nose. Fellow by the name of Wallace.
I can see we understand
each other perfectly.
I didn't like it any more than you
do this. You're reading my mind.
Splendid, but there's a difference between
Wallace and me. I'm not interested in Wallace.
There's no reason why you should be.
Now I, on the other hand...
Look, if I could trust you two boys not to slug each
other, I'd like to make an exit right about here.
I feel like a bone
between two dogs.
We're going to get along
together all right.
There's nothing the matter with my
intentions, and Mac will be the first to admit.
The only thing that could embarrass you would
be the lovely things I want to say about you...
your face, your form, things
that a brother is naturally blind to.
Is that so? Geraldine's future
and this little plan I have...
What's buzzin', cousins?
What's the dirt?
Never mind, Maude. It's just a little
something I want to discuss with Mac.
My dear, when you hear what it
is, you will simply expire. Maude!
It's too, too excruciating!
Maude, please!
He wants a miniature marriage
with you.
Go away, Toto.
This is not for children.
You know everything up to the dissolve, and then
"Good night, sweetheart. I'll see you in the morning. "
- What's this?
- The boy wants to bundle.!
Maude! And then he's gonna make you
cook and sew and wash the windows,
and then he's gonna get some little brats
to see if you know how to change them.
But how?
He's going to rent them!
Oh!
Come on. Let's go someplace. They want
to be alone. But just a minute. L...
Don't take it so seriously. They want to
bake a cake, dear. They want to bake a...
I don't know what to say.
I didn't realize it was so humorous.
Did you really want to put me
through all that?
There's no use trying to conceal it now.
I might have guessed it on the train.
I certainly should have known it
in Jacksonville and on the yacht.
The trial was as much for you as for me,
and however ridiculous I may seem,
there's nothing ridiculous
about the way I feel in my heart.
I'm madly in love with you.
Ohh.
Oh, isn't that pretty?
Why do you keep bothering them?
If you want to bother
somebody, bother me.
You know, I'm not sure
that Mac likes me.
Oh, no, no, no.
He's always like that.
It's just that he doesn't seem to
think anybody's good enough for me.
Well, he's right there.
You don't care much for me, do you?
Why, certainly.
Why do you let me flop around?
I'm sorry.
You will care for me though.
I grow on people. Like moss.
Sit down, Toto.
Stop following me around.
Nitz.
Yitz, Toto.
Isn't it romantic
La-da-da-da-da-dee-dee
Oh, you have a nice little voice.
Thank you.
I used to sing in college.
With a mandolin? I wouldn't
play it around the house.
Would you be around the house much?
Not any more than you wanted me.
I have an office, not that I do much in
it. Perhaps Mac could come and help me.
That would be wonderful!
You two could plan
the airport together.
What airport is that? The most
remarkable invention you've ever heard of.
A suspended airport right in the middle of
the city, stretched like a tennis racket.
Would it be strong enough?
A tennis racket?
What's Gerry's husband like?
Who? Oh, just a flop.
A big flop?
Yes, any way you take it.
Well, he won't be such a flop
with his $99,000.
Snoodles will give it to him all right.
And why not?
I oughta marry him and
get it back into the family.
That would be a big joke. Of
course, I'm crazy. I'll marry anyone.
- What's this about $99,000?
- I might be able to help him.
In fact, I will be able to help him.
I'll help him. Why not? Will you really?
Of course I will, up to a certain point.
How much would a working model cost?
Ninety-nine thou... I mean,
$100,000... in that neighborhood.
That shouldn't be a very difficult neighborhood
to find. I think I'll be able to do it all right.
Oh, really?
You've made me so happy.
You don't know
how much trouble he's had.
Is that so? Well, he won't know what trouble
really is till he tangles up with Maude.
Oh, that's rather unkind.
I shouldn't have said it.
You say about a hundred thousand?
Exactly a hundred thousand.
It's built.
Oh!
You mean her husband wants $99,000
before he'll give her a divorce?
Oh, I love you like this, with
lightning flashing out of your eyes.
Did she tell you that story? Why should
we talk about that heel when you're here?
Did she tell you that?
Do that again. I love it.
- Now, listen.
- Oh, Snoodles, that's wonderful!
Tom... Mac will be wild with excitement.
You know, when you've waited so long.
Not at all. Not at all. I'm
delighted to have the opportunity.
Look... Darling, I have
the most wonderful news.
Snoodles is going to build
your airport for you.
I'll build it.
You don't even know what it is.
Quiet, Toto.
Well, that gives us a lot
to look forward to, doesn't it?
I don't know as I've told you, Mac, but your sister
and I have progressed considerably since this afternoon.
Oh, is that so?
What's all this business...
about your husband wanting
$99,000 before he sets you free?
Oh, that was just an idea that he had.
You know how people are when they're upset.
I'm not sure that he actually meant it.
Let's not even talk about it.
No, no, let's face it. Gerry naturally
wants to defend this human bacterium.
That's only natural and gallant.
But he's asked her for it, and as soon
as my name comes into it, we're doomed.
- Broiled.
- As a Hackensacker, I find it cheaper to pay than to fight.
Of course, $99,000 isn't
a small sum, but it isn't large.
I should say not. Why, when I think
of Stefan, to say nothing of Serge.
Or that big one with the scar...
What was his name?
- Itsk.
- Baron Itsk! Lucius.
Itsk?
Nitz, Toto.
I'm awfully sorry
to hear that about Tom.
I knew he was a failure and a dreamer,
I guess, but I didn't know he was a skunk.
It's very kind of you to want to build
the airport... I mean, the model of it.
I guess I was a little too stunned
to say thank you,
but you know how it is when you've been
waiting for something for a long time.
There's only one trouble with the whole setup,
something that Gerry neglected to tell you.
That is that I'm not alone
in this invention.
That human bacterium
we were talking about, her husband,
has had exactly as much
to do with it as I have.
So, you see, if you help me,
you'd be helping him too.
I know nothing could be further from your
wish. How about dancing with your brother?
Shut up, Toto.
My brother is thinking.
What did you have to do
that for, you fathead?
Don't you ever get tired
of being noble?
Everything I build up for you,
you knock down.
I've got you the money twice
already. Look, darling...
No, no. I don't want to listen to anything
that begins with "look, darling,"
so that you can get off
another noble saying.
Can't you ever learn to be practical?
Don't you know that the greatest men
in the worid have told lies...
and let things be misunderstood
if it was useful to them?
Didn't you ever hear
of a campaign promise?
The way you are
is the way you have to be, honey.
That's the way I am.
If I'm supposed to be a flop...
You're not going to be a flop. Nobody who's been
married to me for five years is going to be a flop.
You're going to get your airport
if I have to build it for you myself.
After I'm married.
After you're married. That's
a funny thing to hear your wife say.
I've got it. I'll build it, and his share will be
more than $99,000, so he'll have to release you.
Whose share?
That scoundrel she's married to.
It's the first bright thought
he's ever had. That's marvelous!
It was really very simple.
Now shall we change partners?
It seems a shame to waste
such a beautiful sister upon a brother.
You said it.
Ah, thank you so much.
It was delightful.
Not at all.
Oh, dear!
What's the matter? We must've
forgotten Toto someplace.
Is that so? I suppose he'll
show up though. He always does.
Greetings!
Ah, yes.
Wouldn't he be awful to be married to?
Always hanging around.
Captain, you have renewed
my faith in mankind.
Well, there's nothing
like saving your faith.
You are too, too divine!
You're a very embarrassing lady. If I
weren't a little bit mixed up at the moment,
I'd take you up on a few of your
dares and make you say "papa. "
Papa? How would you like
to go to Fort Myers tomorrow?
There's nothing there,
but the ride might be nice.
We might put Toto in the army!
I may not be here tomorrow.
What do you mean, you may not be here
tomorrow? I have an appointment in New York.
Oh, let her wait, whoever she is. She's no good
for you anyway, while I, on the other hand...
You never think of anything
but topic "A," do you?
Is there anything else?
I'll leave you with that thought,
Captain. Bonsoir, drip-drap.
Oh, dear. You're very kind.
I think this is the happiest night
of my life.
Oh, really, Snoodles?
Yes.
You've freed me of a certain timidity
from which I've always suffered,
and now with you and Mac
and the airport,
I can see great days ahead, full of fun and
everything. Oh, I'm sure of it, Snoodles.
By the way, I have a little surprise for
you in a few minutes, so don't be surprised.
What is it? If I told you what it is,
then it wouldn't be a surprise anymore.
Well, I wouldn't do anything
too surprising if I were you, Snoodles.
You never can tell how those
things are going to turn out.
I'm persuaded you'll be delighted.
Well, I certainly hope I will be.
If you'll just leave your window
open onto the balcony. What?
What was that?
Oh, I didn't hear anything. Good night,
Snoodles. I'll see you in a little while.
Good night.
I'll see you in my dreams.
Yes, that's a very good place.
You're a fast worker, aren't you?
You have your nerve to talk.
So you couldn't even wait
a decent interval, you and your princess.
I hope you're very proud
of yourself, Captain McGlue!
Wait a minute.
No, let me go, you big pullover!
No, no. I just broke that
because it was handy.
Oh, well, then you ought to be ashamed of
yourself. I'm the one that has the right to...
I know I'm an idiot, but I suppose it's when
you've been fond of somebody for a long time...
You shouldn't have come down here.
You had no right to come down here.
You should have given me
a little time to get used to the idea.
Maybe I should, but you can't blame a man for
trying to hold on to something that he loves,
that he always has loved
and always will love.
You're gonna make me cry.
Gerry.
No! You're forgetting the airport.
You're forgetting everything that counts.
Gerry.
No! It's all finished!
When you make a decisin,
you have to stand by it.
You can't let champagne or...
or tree toads or night flowers...
or memories get in the way of it.
- It's all over, and I know it's for the best.
- But, Gerry, I...
On, no. Now, listen to me
just this once, will you?
I've always done what you wanted,
and it's always turned out a disaster.
Good night, darling. Sleep tight.
It'll be funny sleeping
with a sitting room between us.
And the doors locked.
You won't have to worry about that.
Nevertheless, good night, dear.
What? Well, won't you kiss
your brother good night?
I don't know.
I never had a brother.
You have one now.
You fool.
What's that?
Good...
Good night, sweetheart
Till we meet tomorrow
Good night, sweetheart
Sleep away your sorrow
Tears and partings He shouldn't do things
like that on a night like this. Good night.
May make us forlorn
But with the dawn
A new day is born
So I'll say good night, sweetheart
Though I'm not beside you
Good night, sweetheart
Still my love will guide you
Dreams enfold you
In each one I'll hold you
Good night, sweetheart
Good night
Good night, sweetheart
Till we meet tomorrow
Good night, sweetheart
Sleep away your sorrow
Tears and partings
May make us forlorn
But with the dawn
A new day is born
So I'll say good night, sweetheart
Though I'm not beside you
Good night, sweetheart
Still my love will guide you
Dreams enfold you
In each one I'll hold you
Good night, sweetheart
Good night
Good night, sweetheart
Till we meet tomorrow
Good night, sweetheart
Sleep will banish sorrow
Tears and partings
May make us forlorn
But with the dawn
I can't open this blasted dress.
A new day is born All right.
Come over here to the light.
So I'll say good night, sweetheart
Though I'm not beside you
Good night, sweetheart
Still my love will guide you
Sorry.
Dreams enfold you
Can you get it?
Just a minute.
In each one I'll hold you
Oh, darling, darling, darling!
Good night, sweetheart
Good night
I hope you realize
this is costing us millions.
Good night
I suppose there's a law against shooting
those things. Yes, ma'am, I think there is.
- Oh, good morning, Toto.
- Greetings.
It doesn't seem to matter how much champagne you
soak up, you always feel great the next morning.
Hello.
Thank you, darling.
I suppose it takes an iron constitution
to be a houseguest.
Why don't you go away someplace? Eh?
There must be somebody else
who can use a houseguest.
I can't be the only sucker in the worid.
Why don't you go to Havana?
That's a nice place, and I'd treat you to a nice
one-way ticket. Havana? "Youg, meeg," Havana?
No, Toto. "Youg" Havana.
"Meeg" here.
Nitz.
I was afraid of that.
Say, Maude, is this all right?
You have to work fast in these matters, so I just
slid down to Margetsons and slid back with this.
What is it? The Hope Blue?
No, it's just a chip from it.
Boy, when you fall,
you fall, don't you?
Go away, Toto. This might give
you ideas. It's all right then?
I think she'll know what you mean.
Good.
How do you think this would look
on the captain's vest?
Maude, you're really incorrigible.!
No, no, Toto.
Naughty, naughty. Here.
- I suppose I'll have to give the bracelet back, won't I?
- Why?
Oh! Oh, dear!
What are you talking about?
Oh, Snoodles, I'm so fond of you. You're
a lovely, generous, good-hearted man,
really a woman's ideal, only
you shouldn't have sung last night.
What? Here's your bracelet.
I'm going back to my husband.
That skunk?
Oh, he isn't really.
I let you think worse about him than he
is. You know how a woman likes sympathy.
But what about the $99,000? He
didn't want that. I wanted it for him.
But...
Put it away.
What?
Put it away!
But, darling...
I'll just take one more look at it,
and then put it away forever.
There's a limit
to what a woman can stand.
Hello there, Snoodles.
How's every little thing?
I'm very unhappy, as a matter
of fact. You'll get over it.
You know about Gerry's decisin? Yes.
I'll never get over it as long as I live.
I had such hopes, such plans.
Oh, Snoodles, I'm so sorry. Anyway, we
still have the airport. That'll keep us busy.
- What's knittin', kittens?
- Gerry's going back to her husband.
Oh, you poor, dumb thing. I know just
how it is. I'll bet he's a knockout.
I'm awfully sorry about Snoodles.
Well, you still have your airport,
and you and the captain and I
will be as busy as bird dogs, won't we?
I'm afraid that isn't
possible either. Why not?
I still have... I always will have...
the deepest affection for you.
Certainly nothing has happened
to spoil my friendship with your brother.
Well, you see...
What now?
He isn't exactly my brother.
No.
He isn't exactly your brother?
No.
- Hello!
- Oh, shut up!
He... He's my husband.
He's your husband!
That's right.
Well, no wonder! I thought
I was losing my grip.
You mean, the vermin who-who...
Who-Who what?
That's right. You said he
didn't. Then who is McGlue?
There is no McGlue. Well, thank
heavens for something. That name!
- Then it's theJeffers Airport.
- Are you still talking about that airport? You really take it on the chin, don't you?
Why not? If an idea
has merit, it has merit.
Sentiment and business
don't belong in the same bed.
After all, Grandfather loathed oil... it made his eyes water...
but that didn't stop him from making millions out of it.
You still want to go through
with the airport?
Why not? On a purely
business basis, of course.
Right now I don't like you,
although I may get over it later.
Right now I need something
to occupy my mind.
The airport is something,
if not exactly what I'd hoped for.
I'll be very lonely without you,
Gerry. Oh, Captain, and thou.
I don't suppose you have a sister.
Only a twin sister.
A twin sister!
Oh, didn't you know about that? That's how we
were married in the beginning, both being twins.
That's another plot entirely.
Both twins!
Are you a twin?
Yes.
Well, what's he doing?
Well, what's she doing?
Well, nothing. You see...
Well, nothing. You see...