THE PILL
Sorry.
It's a new place.
Oh, wow.
This is... this is nice.
The rent's stabilized.
This is very nice.
What do you want to drink?
You know, I think i should
probably go.
Where are you going?
- Home.
You just got here.
Yeah. But...
I got to wake up early tomorrow morning,
do some stuff.
Some -- some laundry.
- You have a wife.
- What?
- You have a girlfriend.
- No. No.
Are you kidding me?
You th-- you think...
You actually think that i would
be here if i had a girlfriend?
Do you think i would
get this far?
Oh, i would hope not.
Yeah.
Let's have another drink.
Um... i don't know.
How do you play this?
I don't know this game.
I don't know any drinking games.
All right.
So, i say, like,
"i've never been to China,"
and if either of us
been to China,
then we drink.
Have you been to China?
This doesn't count.
I haven't been to China,
so i wouldn't drink.
I've never been to prison.
I let you off the hook.
You've never been to prison.
Couple parking tickets
here and there,
but never ended up in...
You paid them.
- Um... no boot.
- Always.
I've never had
a brother or a sister.
Two.
I thought so.
Brother and a sister.
You got me.
I've never been to grad school.
You and your little button-up shirt there?
No?
Um, i've never...
i'm gonna get you.
I've never, uh...
I've never crashed a car.
Really?
Everyone was okay?
There was no...
Yeah. I broke my finger.
Oh, god.
Oh, my god!
That's disgusting.
I know.
That's all that happened.
That's an unnatural angle.
Okay.
This one had better get you drinking.
I've never made out
in my parents' bedroom.
Yes! I got one!
You got me.
Oh, my god.
Okay. I got it.
Um, i've never...
...sucked a dick.
I think you better drink.
That was a good one.
Oh, god.
I got...
I got to go to the bathroom so bad.
I have to go to the bathroom so bad, okay?
- Stay here.
- Okay.
I'll be in the bathroom.
I'm stuck.
Oh, I'm stuck on you.
Oh, god.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, no.
I'm stuck on you.
You're stuck on me.
Wow.
Jesus.
Have a safe flight.
See u soon miss u.
So... hmm?
I think i've got to go.
Okay.
Nobody's stopping you.
Yeah.
Um... i saw a condom
in your wastebasket,
and it kind of freaked me out, so...
i think it might be best
if i just leave... now.
I have a roommate, you know.
That's your roommate's condom?
Well, her boyfriend's in town.
She's not here right now,
so we don't have to whisper.
I'm gonna...
Hold on.
Hold on.
Oh, wait a second.
- Yeah.
- Wait a second.
Oh, hold on.
Hold on.
Wait a second, babe.
Yeah.
Okay. I got it.
I got it. One moment.
One moment. Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Hey.
Hey. Hey.
Mindy.
Mindy?
Oh, my god.
Oh, fuck.
Wait a minute.
You feel so good.
I don't have a condom on.
Just go with it.
I don't...
i'm gonna cum.
I'm gonna -- i'm gonna cum.
Okay.
I'm... where?
Hey.
Hey, are you awake?
No.
No?
I just want to...
I want to make sure
everything was okay.
Yeah?
All right, so...
I mean, everything's cool?
Everything is good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
'Cause, you know,
i know that we didn't use a condom
last night,
so i didn't...
i want to make sure...
You know?
You felt amazing.
I need more sleepy time.
Yeah.
Well, just remember to take your
contraception thing.
Contraceptive?
The, um...
pill -- pill thing you take.
What pill?
The... you know,
the pill in the little round thing.
The one-a-day thing.
That pill.
I'm not on any pills.
You're not on the pill?
Oh, you mean "the pill."
Yeah.
Yeah. The pill.
I'm not on that.
Are you serious?
Yeah. I'm catholic.
You -- you're what?
The religion with the pope.
Wait -- wait. Hold on.
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Okay, we had unprotected sex
last night,
i came inside of you,
and you are not on the pill?
Are you -- are you kidding?
There's nothing to worry about.
I know my body.
I'm not ovulating.
How do you know your body, huh?
Does it come with an instruction manual?
No, you smartass.
I'm in touch with myself,
and i know i'm not ovulating.
Okay.
You just had your period?
- Yeah.
- Great.
How many days ago?
Oh, my...
Please. Please. I'm sorry.
Just, uh, you know,
kind of put my mind at rest.
Okay!
All right.
What was the question?
How many days ago
did you have your period?
Um... what is today?
Seven...
11 days.
11 days since the start
of your last period?
Since the end... i think.
Okay.
Um, okay.
That's not a big deal.
We are just gonna
have to go to the pharmacy
and get the morning-after pill.
Baby, there's nothing to worry about.
I'm not pregnant.
Now come back to sleep.
I just really think we should get the
morning-after pill.
I'm not taking any pill.
I can't -- i'm sorry.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe this.
You held me inside of you.
You should have put on a condom.
Look. I -- i was asleep and aroused,
and i woke up,
and you mounted me.
Oh, please.
I am so sorry you got laid last night.
You -- you lied to me!
How did i lie to you?
The act of holding me inside of you was
an act of lying.
It implied that you were protected
and i didn't need to use,
you know, any kind of pulling-out method.
Baby, i didn't want you to pull out.
But you're not on the pill.
Why would you want me to cum inside of you?
Because i wanted us to feel close.
We're going to the pharmacy.
I'm not killing a life with some abortion pill.
That's against my beliefs.
Okay. Okay. Yep.
Then, um, so what are you -- what are you saying?
You're saying that if you...
if you were pregnant...
you would, um...
Of course i would have the baby.
Wouldn't you?
emergency contraception
So, it's basically the same thing
as the regular pill,
but a higher dose,
so no hypothetical baby,
which, you know,
probably doesn't even exist,
is going to be aborted.
Now, there is a pharmacy two blocks away,
so we'll go there.
I will pay for it,
and then we can take it
and just put this whole thing behind us.
No. It'll make me all sick and
crazy with hormones,
like when i used to take birth control.
I thought catholics aren't allowed
to take birth control.
That's why i realized
it's not right for me.
Okay. Wait. Wait a minute.
So, it wasn't right for you
because it made you sick,
or because it conflicted
with your beliefs?
Why are you interrogating me?
Uh, sorry.
You're roommate is a girl,
correct?
Why does that matter?
I'm sure that she can listen
to the facts, and...
I have a confession to make.
I don't have a roommate.
I used to, but now i live alone.
Wow.
Okay, then the condom in your wastebasket,
that means that that condom is your condom.
Yes. Well, no.
I mean, it's not mine.
I didn't -- he used it, but...
Unbelievable. You lied to me.
So, because i had sex
with somebody else, now i'm a whore?
No. Oh, come on, please.
That's not what i'm saying, okay?
I'm just saying,
how am i supposed to believe you
when you say you're not ovulating
if you lied about
the condom and having a roommate?
I can't be lying about ovulating.
How would i know if i was ovulating?
I thought that you just said
you know your body.
You are making me very...
I mean, maybe i'm about to start my period.
Maybe i'm having my period right now,
because i'm very hormonal this morning.
You've got me very worked up.
Are you sure that you're not ovulating?
I am sure.
Are you pretty sure,
or are you very sure?
I am pretty very sure.
Fuck me. You are pregnant.
I am not!
I just -- i can't -- i mean,
why did you wear a condom
with the other guy
and then not with me?
Because i like you,
and i wanted it to feel good for you,
and you had trouble with the condom,
and i didn't want it getting in the way.
i cannot believe that you would have sex
with two guys,
back-to-back like that.
I mean, i should probably get out of here, right?
I'm sure the next guy's coming
in any minute now, right?
Gosh, where is he?
You are such an asshole.
I just got out
of a long-term relationship,
and i am not in a very good
emotional place,
and i do not appreciate being judged right now.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I've got to...
i just, um...
I am very shaken up right now,
and i apologize for that.
Do you trust me?
I want to trust you.
I really do.
But i need to be given,
you know, a little assurance.
Right?
And i just want you to know
that i had more fun with you
last night
than i have had with
anyone in a very long time.
And i didn't expect that.
PHARMACY
Hi.
Hi.
How can i help you?
Uh, we need the morning-after pill.
I just need to see a picture i.d. from you.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Whoa.
Hold on one second.
Okay.
Here is the pill and... water.
And we are ready for liftoff.
Look, i'm serious.
Really. I mean, look.
It says on the package right here,
"the sooner you take it after intercourse,
the more effective it is."
Wow. You really can't get
this over with quick enough.
What?
You're gonna make me do it
in front of the pharmacist?
No.
Look, i just -- i want to
put this part behind us
so we can, you know...
Happy?
Is it down?
Let me see the tongue.
Let me see the tongue.
Yes! It's down!
I'm happy. I'm very happy.
We just passed our first obstacle.
Yes.
Whoo! That's the spirit.
Good work.
I'm starving.
Why don't we go get something to eat?
Uh, yeah. We'll do some breakfast?
Sure. Or, um...
Oh, shit.
Today's not great.
You want to just do...
Let's do breakfast another day.
- Are you serious?
- What?
We haven't even walked
out of the pharmacy,
and you're already blowing me off?
No. I'm not blowing you off.
I just, you know...
It's just i've got a bunch of stuff to do today.
A bunch of stuff to do?
Well, it's, you know, stuff
that i told you about that i had to do.
Hey, look.
I mean, we're gonna hang out,
of course.
It's just, you know -- it's not a great time
today right now.
Let's do it later in the week.
What?
You never even asked for my number.
Oh, shit.
- Can i... can i get your number?
- No.
You know what?
Just forget it.
What the f--
Mindy, come on!
Okay.
$45.99.
Geez.
- Lady trouble, huh?
- Yeah.
She should take the first one ASAP
and the second one 12 hours later.
What second one?
Emergency contraceptive is two pills.
She needs to take both doses.
She should eat something with
each dose, or she may vomit.
If she vomits,
we'll have to repeat the dose.
Side effects include nausea,
dizziness, headaches.
Play it safe.
Hey! Mindy!
Mindy, wait up!
Wait up. Wait up.
Wait, wait, wait.
Mindy, listen. Look. I'm so--
i just -- i want to
apologize for my behavior back there.
You acted like an asshole.
Yeah, i know. I know.
And i want you to know
that i think breakfast is
a wonderful idea.
Yeah, well, i'm not hungry.
Okay. Hey, listen. Look.
Please.
Please.
Don't go back to bed angry with me.
How you doing, buddy?
We are starving.
What can come out really fast?
Eggs.
Eggs. That's wonderful.
We'll have two orders of scrambled eggs
with bacon and toast.
I'll just have coffee.
Uh, no. Two orders.
And two coffees.
I'm fine with just coffee.
Yeah. Just bring it all.
We're gonna work it out.
- Hey, listen.
- What was that?
These are my make-up eggs.
I'm fine with just make-up coffee.
No. No, no, no, no.
Somehow, that doesn't feel substantial enough.
You know, i feel better
buying you a meal.
And i appreciate that,
and i'm not gonna eat it.
Drinking coffee on an empty
stomach is a very bad idea.
Why are you my nutritionist
all of a sudden?
Okay. Look.
After you left,
the pharmacist said
that you shouldn't take the pill
on an empty stomach
because then you might throw up,
and then you have to repeat the dose,
and then he also told me --
So, that's why you came back for me?
What?
No, no, no. No. No.
I came back because i wanted to
apologize for my stupid behavior
and to get to know you better.
You are such a liar.
Okay. All right..
Look, okay?
I promise you i will not
mention the pill again,
if you just take a couple bites.
Come on.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Don't -- don't make me feed you.
I don't want to play airplane with you.
Come on.
Good. See?
You know, since you got me up so early,
maybe you can do me a favor.
I need help moving some stuff
from my old apartment.
Yeah. That's great.
Totally. Yeah.
- You sure?
- Of course.
Yeah. I'd love to help.
Okay.
Okay.
Fred, this is Jim,
my old roommate.
Jim, this is Fred.
I'm just here to pick up
the rest of my stuff,
so it should only be a few minutes...
i think.
How do you know Mindy?
Uh, we're friends.
Friends.
Yeah. Friends.
Sort of, well,
more maybe acquaintances, but...
When did you guys meet?
Uh, well, we, um...
it was sort of a -- it was a wh--
not so long ago.
Feels like a long time ago, but, uh...
where?
Oh, just, uh...
at a party, so, kind of...
at a party?
What party?
Just, like, a party party.
Was alcohol there?
there was some alcohol involved.
I understand.
Give me one second, okay, buddy?
Who the fuck is that?!
Why is he in my living room,
and he fucking has his shoes on?!
We are just -- i'm picking up my bags.
I had three drinks.
- why are you being dishonest?!
- I'm not being dishonest!
- I just -- i'm not --
- why?!
I just have to get out of here.
Um, okay.
I don't know where the other bag is.
Do you know where that is?
Arrive: New York JFK
Wait. Sit down.
- I'm not sitting...
- Sit down!
Sit down and talk to me!
I'm not gonna do -- okay.
Hey, can you go into the bedroom
and get the other suitcase?
I can't deal with him anymore.
What? No, no.
I don't -- i should not --
he's harmless. Trust me.
Great.
Stay.
Please, stay.
Just...
Just -- just chill with a bro for a second, man.
Just kick it with a bro real quick.
I did so much for her.
Well, you know, man,
sometimes relationships...they sizzle
and then they...
and then they fizzle.
i would call her every day at work
and tell her i loved her.
I would -- i would wait in line for hours...
at the Shake Shack, just to
get her what she wanted.
And i never cheated on her.
Many times, i could have.
There was a neighbor.
She always wanted to fuck me.
I kept turning her down,
and there was this chick at my job,
and i could have fucked
these bitches, man.
- I didn't.
- Yeah.
I'm a good person.
I am.
i can't believe
that you just threw me into that.
He was my roommate.
That's the truth.
How? In a one-bedroom?
We started out as roommates
in a different apartment,
and then it grew into something more.
What went wrong?
He smothered me with affection.
I was getting, like,
30 texts and 10 phone calls a day
with inane updates on every detail of
his life.
And when he did do something
interesting or romantic,
i couldn't care anymore.
He was too needy.
Well, did you ever tell
the guy how you felt?
Of course i did,
but nothing changed.
Us breaking up was for the best.
I mean, he wanted to pin his
entire existence on me.
You know,
i think that you might have jumped the gun
with Jim.
You think i should still be with Jim?
Well, a guy like Jim is...
is a really good guy,
and, in the future,
you know, you may want
to give a guy like that a second chance.
So... are you saying
you're not happy we met?
What?
No.
No, no, no, no, no. No.
i'm thrilled that we met.
I-i'm really...
i'm glad that we...
i'm really...
so, why are you blowing jim
up and putting him on a pedestal?
I'm -- okay. Listen, okay?
It's just that...
okay, compromise is a big part of
being in a relationship, right?
And, um, this is someth...
i've read a book once.
I mean, i skimmed it and read
the jacket cover,
but the point of the book
was that women...
and i'm sure...
that this applies to men, as well...
shouldn't wait for the perfect mate
to just roll into their lives
that they should settle, sometimes,
for mr. Or mrs. Good enough.
So...
this is you trying to break up with me?
What? No.
I'm not breaking up with you.
I mean, there's...
we can't break up, you know?.
I mean, we're not together in,
like, a girlfriend-boyfriend sense.
So, what are we?
I... hey, wha...
i'm just...
i'm just giving
you some friendly advice here.
So, that's what we are, then?
Are we friends?
Of course you're my friend.
But you're also much more than a friend.
So, we are...?
We are just really, you know, good...
good friends.
I think you should get out.
What?
I just want you out.
Please leave.
Hey, hold on. Listen, okay?
I am sorry, okay? I'm -- i'm an idiot.
Look, i thought we
were having kind of an educated dialogue.
It's like you
want us to fail and jim and me to succeed.
No. No. Are you kidding me?
No. Hold on. Look.
I was just saying that
he seemed like a nice guy,
but that is clearly a very
misguided judgment
on my point of view,
and i'm an idiot,
so i apologize.
I know what's going on here.
You know -- you know what?
What is going on here?
I see what you're trying to
do, and it's not gonna work.
You -- you -- what do you
know that i'm trying to do?
I'm not really trying to do anything...
you are trying to get
me to do something
that i don't want to do.
i would never try to get you to do
anything that
you don't want to do.
You're testing me.
Baby, you have nothing
to be jealous about.
It's over between me and jim.
Yes. I do.
I get -- i get really jealous sometimes.
Ohh, that is so sweet.
I have an idea.
You do?
Do you want to come with the...
i'm so excited,
i can't even talk.
Do you want to come with me to a party?
Um, a party.
A birthday party.
Um, yeah. Okay.
- Sure.
- I don't want to impose.
- No, no, that's --
- don't you have stuff to do?
No.
What's wrong with a party?
God, you're wonderful.
Come on, come on, come on!
Bonjour!
And you must be the new boyfriend.
fred, this is my mom, nadine.
Mindy just told me on the phone
you were coming.
Fred didn't know you were gonna be here.
My daughter,
she loves surprises.
Please come in.
There he is, the birthday boy!
- What game did you get me?
- No! No peeking!
- No peeking!
- Whatev.
Please, fred, come in.
I'd like you to meet my husband, renault.
Renault?
Renault!
This is fred.
Welcome to our home.
Ah. Thank you.
Thank you.
May i get you something to drink?
No. No, thank you.
Oh, please, sit down.
So, how did you meet Mindy?
Um, we were just, uh, old friends.
And then we reconnected recently through
mutual friends.
Ah, oui, oui, oui, c'est le book-face.
No, Renault. Facebook.
Oh, yes, Bakefoos.
Facebook.
Uh, no. Not facebook.
So, you've known each other for a while.
Well, i don't...
you know, it's hard to say, but...
what field are you in, Fred?
I-i'm a freelance copywriter.
Ah. You're a writer.
Yep. I'm a -- yeah.
Horrible way to make a living.
Renault!
What?
No, it's...
i mean, it can be challenging.
Have you done anything that we might have seen?
Uh, i wrote a commercial for Metamucil.
Meta-muzil.
No. Metamucil.
- Metamucil.
- Metamucil.
it was on the short list for a Clio.
Uh, who is Clio?
No. A Clio. A Clio.
Aclio.
A Clio. It's an award.
Ah, an award.
So, you won an award?
The director, he was nominated,
but he lost.
Um, yeah, i've been spending
most of my time working on my novel.
Ah, so that's exciting.
What's it about?
Uh, it's -- it's, well --
i-i guess i'm still kind of trying
to hammer out the central premise,
but it's, uh, set in New York.
It's kind of a coming-of-age, romantic...
Fred, have you ever considered
business school?
Uh, what? No. I haven't.
Why?
Something to think about.
- Renault!
- No.
But it's good to have a
back-up plan
for when the writing doesn't pan out.
Dad. Please don't abuse Fred.
We are just making conversation, darling.
Come help me wrap.
Oh, that must be Rose.
I-i cannot believe th...
i know you're upset,
but i really appreciate
you being here.
- This is unconscionable.
- What does that mean?
That means this is a family birthday party,
and what the fuck am i doing here?
- Because i need you here.
- Why do you need me here?
Because i can't face my sister alone.
Oh, that's won-- your sister's coming.
That's great.
What about an aunt? An uncle?
- Maybe some second cousins.
- Fred, calm down.
You should have just told me truth
instead of dropping me into this snake pit.
My family is not a bunch of snakes.
Look, i don't appreciate
getting career advice
from your father
two minutes after meeting him.
If i had told you exactly who
was gonna be here,
you wouldn't have come,
and i need you here,
because my sister is coming.
And she just got engaged,
and she's younger than me.
Please.
It'll be quick and painless.
I swear.
Just please stay.
Fine.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Well, hello!
- Hi!
Rose, this is Fred.
We were just talking about you.
- Great to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
Well, let's celebrate.
Let's go have a birthday.
Thank you! Thank you!
Oh, no!
- Be careful.
- Yeah!
Hey, fred, you cut the cake.
Uh, no. No, no, no.
- Oh, please.
- Come on.
Today, you're part of the family.
Someone's feeling very generous.
All right. Here we go.
Oh, shoot.
Oh, don't worry.
Big family means big mess.
Oh, yes.
You should have seen the house she
grew up in -- quel bordel!
- A bordello.
- Oh, no.
No. He means that it was a big mess.
She had, like, six siblings.
There was never a dull moment or a quiet one.
Well, i am an only child,
so this is already a lot for me.
Oh, you poor thing.
Who did you play with?
No, i had friends.
I mean, just no siblings.
Oh, what was the matter with
your parents?
Uh, nothing. Uh, just, uh, you know,
that's the way
it worked out.
Well, hopefully, you won't
make the same mistake
when it's your turn.
so, it must be...
is it sort of strange
to have one child
so much younger than the others?
What do you mean?
Well, i mean, don't you
normally kind of want
them all to be in the same age range
so they can have playmates?
We don't love him less
because he was unplanned.
Renault! Renault! Renault!
There's no point
in hiding the truth.
You guys were just trying for a boy.
If i had been a boy,
Alan wouldn't exist.
Rose, that's not true.
Yes, it is. Dad told me.
Alan, don't listen to your sister.
At least i'm not old.
I'm not old.
I'm engaged.
It gets more and more beautiful
every time i see it.
Dylan, he's the best,
and we are very much in love.
How is Dylan?
He finishes his MBA next year,
and he already has two offers.
Oh, i always liked Dylan.
A real go-getter.
I just feel so fortunate
to have found the one sooner,
you know, versus, like,
five years from now,
when things would have felt more...
you know, more rushed and more pressing.
So, uh, why isn't he here
with you now?
He's at the golf course.
Hmm. Yeah.
I'm just saying that i feel
so fortunate
to have found the one
sooner rather than -- than later.
Oh, this must be my gift for Alan.
- What is it?
- You'll see.
Hey. Hmm.
You all right?
I'm fine.
Hey. Hey. Mindy.
Hey. You okay?
There was just all that
twirling and spinning.
Hey, did you, um...
in the bathroom,
you didn't... did you throw up?
- No.
- No?
I tried, but no.
It's -- it's all in there.
That's good.
That's a good sign.
You're gonna be okay.
Okay.
Rest a little bit right here,
and i'm gonna run out,
do some errands.
You're coming back?
- I'll be back.
- Okay.
Okay. You're gonna be here?
I can't go anywhere.
Okay.
Fred, i'm really glad you
stayed with me today.
Yeah. Me, too.
All right. I'll be back.
In a car from the airport.
Almost home!
Where are u?
Hey. I'm home.
Hey. Where were you?
Shoes. Shoes.
Hey. Oh, shit.
Uh, just went to the gym.
Did you get my texts?
Yes, i did.
I did,
but my phone has been acting funny,
and they just all kind
of poured in all at once.
You never go to the gym in the morning.
Yeah, well, you know,
that's why i wanted to, uh,
change up my routine,
shock my muscles
in a different way, you know?
Well, i was bummed you weren't here
when i got back.
I know. I'm sorry.
I just...
i thought i could just,
you know, grab a quickie
before you got back
but i couldn't even remember
what time you were
getting back, so...
i e-mailed you my itinerary.
Oh, damn it. You did. I'm sorry.
I should have just --
i should have checked that.
Well, that's okay.
- I missed you.
- Hey.
- Mmm, lip gloss.
- Oh.
Have you been eating chocolate?
What?
You smell like chocolate.
Oh. Yes. I did.
I had a...
i had a chocolate protein bar at the gym.
You're supposed to work out on an empty stomach.
- You know this.
- I know. I know.
You tell me that every time.
And i don't appreciate being ignored.
What?
I want my calls returned.
Oh, i'm sorry. I know.
My stupid phone.
It's been...
because i have something
important to talk to you about.
O-okay.
I've done a lot of thinking about this,
and i want to bring
another member into our home.
Okay.
Are you ser...?
Fred,
we've been living together for two years.
I think that it's time we took the next step.
Yeah. You're right.
You're totally right.
Two years is a...is a...
is a big, long,
very long time and a big commitment,
but i-i do think, though, you know,
you're talking about the next next step,
and i'm just a little concerned...
i don't see what's the big deal about adopting.
I...
look at her.
She's so cute.
That's...
that is fucking adorable.
And it's much more economical and humane
than buying from a kennel.
Why didn't you tell me it was a cat?
I didn't know you...
Oh, my god.
I did say it.
Didn't i say it was a cat?
I'm allergic to cats.
Well, yeah, but when you took Claritin,
it was totally fine.
My throat kind of stays pretty tight,
but it's nothing.
I can...
i can deal with it.
Well, i'm glad we agree.
Yes.
- Babe!
- Yeah.
- That's awesome.
- Oh, shoot.
Wait a minute.
We... we can't...
we can't get a pet.
Why not?
Oh, my god. The -- the lease.
You remember, the landlord?
Well, you'll just have to talk to him.
I think it is a legal document
that we signed...
the lease...so...
or we'll move.
- We-- move?
- To New Jersey.
I want to be closer to my parents anyway.
That -- that -- that
would really mess up my commute.
I go to New Jersey every day for work.
Yeah, but, sweetie,
you work just over the river.
I mean, it's practically 13th Ave., right?
I mean, if we didn't have to move,
i think that maybe we could,
ind a pet-friendly building in the city
that's close to the path train,
as opposed to...
why are you being so difficult?
No, i'm not trying to be difficult here.
I mean, we're just... we're talking.
You know, we're communicating.
I really don't... we're gonna
have to look at the lease again,
because the lease, i don't think,
says all pets.
I think it says no
pets above a certain size
and of a certain kind.
Okay. Okay.
Yeah.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. I'm in...
i want you to want a pet, too.
I want a pet.
I want this pet.
Yeah.
- Oh, babe, i'm so excited.
- Yeah.
- I'm so glad that we agree.
- Yeah.
Oh, you're the best.
You didn't take out the garbage.
What?
It's overflowing.
Oh, yeah.
Well, i'm gonna do it tonight.
We agreed you would take out the
trash, remember?
Hey, did you read my chapters?
Hey, babe?
Can you do me a favor and fix me a drink?
What do you want?
Campari with a little soda.
Got it?
I got it!
Hey, babe?
I'll run to the store.
That's okay. We'll just have it delivered.
No, no. It's cool.
I got to get some groceries anyway,
so it's no big deal.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Absolutely.
Well, don't be too long.
4:08 PM
Sunday, June 28
Oh, Fred!
Hi. I'm back.
Oh, Mindy went to meet you.
Min-Mindy's not here?
No.
She left to meet you.
Oh, i was supposed to meet her back here.
A little problem?
I -- do you know where Mindy went?
Oh, she felt better,
and she went to meet you.
Oh, their signals got crossed.
Okay, maybe...
i'll go back to her place.
Maybe she went back to her place?
- You just call her.
- Yeah.
My phone is kind of on the fritz.
Do you have her number by any chance?
Nothing!
Come in. Call from here.
I have to go take care of the mess
in the kitchen.
Just call her.
Okay.
Yeah. Yeah. Right.
Um, okay.
Could you do me a huge favor?
Maybe just give me Mindys
phone number one more time, 'cause...
Oh! Look at that.
Mindy's phone.
You do me the favor.
You go and take it back to her.
This is mindy's phone?
Yes, of course it's mindy's phone.
What do you think?
Well, you are so confused.
Mindy!
Damn it.
Hey! Break it up.
Hey! Why did you do that?
Guys.
No candy.
Mindy.
Come on.
Fred!
God, Mindy.
What are you doing out here?
I went to your parents' place.
They didn't know where the hell you went.
Oh, i told my sister to tell
you to let yourself in with
the spare key.
What?
- Yeah.
- Oh, god.
You... i mean, are you... okay?
Are you feeling...
so much better.
I hate belly dancers.
- Yeah? Everything's...?
- All good.
My mom's tea brought me back to life.
Good.
How are you?
You look frazzled.
I... i feel a little...
i was just...i was worried about you.
I could not find you,
which was very, you know, nerve-racking.
But, uh, your phone...
you found my phone!
I keep losing my phone.
Where did you find this?
It was at your parents'.
I had no way to know where you were.
You got to be more,
you know, cautious.
i mean, if i need to contact you,
or anyone needs to contact you.
Well, i have been craving
chicken parm and angel hair
with pomodoro basilico.
Can you stay for dinner?
I would love to.
I've never made this before.
All right.
Work emergency,
going to be a few hours
In there?
Mm-hmm. All right.
I got it.
Try it.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Oh!
Before we go on, cheers first.
An eventful, amazing,
slightly traumatic,
wonderful day.
Hand me a match.
Okay. Here you go.
Wait a minute.
Not that match. Any other match.
Any other. Come on.
All right. See the match?
- All right?
- All right?
Keep your eyes on the match. Ready?
1, 2, 3.
No!
Where did it go? Ready?
1, 2, 3.
Whoa!
I've got to say...
your family is inspiring.
Well, thank you, i think.
Based on my travels with you
today and my travails, i think,
i have enough material to plug
a lot of holes in my novel,
so thank you for that.
Well, i would love to take a look at it.
When it's ready, of course.
That would be... that would, um...
i mean, i-i-i do... i have,
you know, a few chapters done.
I am kind of looking
for a female perspective.
Has anyone else looked at it?
No.
Well,
i would love to be the first.
-Should we use protection?
-What?
- Do you have a condom?
- I'm on the pill.
Yeah, but, i mean,
technically it's
the morning-after pill, right?
There's a difference?
I'm not completely sure,
but i just...
i think i should put on a condom.
I mean, don't you think
i should put on a condom?
Do you want to put on a condom?
Are you okay if i put on a condom?
I'm on the pill.
I know, but it's not really the pill,
i think.
I'm not even sure.
I mean, does it work the same way?
Just put on a condom, baby.
Okay. Good call.
8:19 PM
Incoming Call
Nelly Stone
Baby, where are you???
Back soon.
Running errands. Love u.
I love you too. Now get back
here so we can eat. Hungry!!!
Hey.
Hey.
Who's Nelly?
I saw her name in your phone.
You looked in my phone?
It was lying on the dining-room table
and i saw it ring with the name "Nelly".
Oh. It's just an old friend.
Just an old friend?
Yeah. Yeah, from college.
Did you date her?
Yeah. Yeah, briefly.
Why is she calling you?
'Cause we're still friends.
I don't believe you.
Just a girl i used to date.
Okay, i'm gonna ask you again,
and i want you to be honest with me.
- Who is Nelly?
- I told you.
It's a girl i used to
date during college,
and then for a little after.
Why is she calling and texting you all day?
- Did you go through my phone?
- You have a girlfriend.
You lied to me.
Uh... hey, hey.
"Work emergen."
I've already read it.
"Going to be a few hours."
"I love you, too, now get back
here so you can start dinner."
You live with her!
you're cheating on your girlfriend,
and i thought we were beginning something.
We -- we are. Okay?
Nelly and i...
we are in a dying relationship.
- Really?
- It's dead.
- Am i supposed to believe that?
- It's -- yes.
You are...because it's true,
and i'm telling you the truth.
So, you're planning on leaving her?
It doesn't sound like she thinks that.
Listen, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Listen to me.
i mean, the reason i'm here with you
obviously is
Because i do not want to be with her.
Then end it with her.
- I'm planning on it.
- When?
I mean,
it's complicated, you know?
But very, very soon.
How about now?
Uh, now or you mean now?
If you want to be with me,
then call her and end it with her now.
- R-right now?
- Right now.
i -- can you -- i'm not gonna c--
just be -- i'm sorry.
Be reasonable for a second, okay?
i mean,
i can't actually call her
and end it over the phone.
That's...
i mean, i need some time.
Okay, yeah.
You're -- no, you're right.
You're totally right.
I'm... i'm gonna go there
tonight right now.
I'm gonna talk to her,
and i'm gonna tell her that it's over.
It feels good.
Will you call me and tell me after?
Yes, i will.
I don't believe you.
I promise you i will.
I promise, okay?
Okay.
Actually, um...
one more thing before i go.
Can we um... take the second pill?
What?
The, um, pharmacist told me
that you have to take the second pill
12 hours after you take the first dose,
so it's, um -- it's been 12 hours,
and, uh,
here's the second pill, so...
did you... stay with me this whole
day
so i would take the second pill?
What?
No. That's crazy. I didn't...
Then why didn't you tell me about this pill?
I didn't because it, uh,
y-- uh, slipped my mind.
I -- i mean, i-i've -- every
time i tried
to talk to you about the pill
back at the diner,
you got pissed off, remember?
So i held off,
and then everything happened
with your roommate and your parents and...
Fred, you're a liar!
You are a liar!
You lied to me, and you used me!
What? No!
The second i take this pill,
you're just gonna forget
all about me.
No, n-- come on.
You're twisting everything around right now,
and you're putting words into my mouth.
Just be honest with me!
I am being honest with you.
Tell the truth for once!
Admit what you were gonna do!
I didn't know you,
and i didn't trust you 100 %, okay?
There, i said it.
I was afraid to become a dad,
and i didn't know you,
but now i do,
and i do trust you.
And you know what?
I'm glad that i didn't trust you
because if i did,
i wouldn't have stuck around
and we wouldn't have had
this wonderful day together,
and i wouldn't have gotten to know you.
Get out.
- Come on.
- Get out!
- Listen. Listen to me.
- Get out!
It became more, okay?
If i could go back and do it all again,
i would.
Would you?
Would you do it again?
Look... i-i really...
i want to talk about this.
I'm -- it's just not the best time.
This is not the best time?!
There is no other time!
Just please, please just take the second pill,
and then we can talk about our situation
after you've taken it.
You're not gonna leave her,
are you?
I'm sorry.
Get the fuck out.
You're late.
Hey. I'm sorry.
Shoes! Shoes!
Oh, shit. Sorry.
Had to make sure the
boards were ready at the office, so...
thought you were running errands?
Errands?
That's what you texted me.
Oh, yeah. Work errands.
Whatever.
Food's getting cold.
Put the flowers in water.
you want to play a game?
What, honey?
A drinking game.
You want to play a drinking game?
Yeah. Why not?
You ever played, um...
"i never"?
What made you think of that?
I just... i don't know.
I thought it could be fun.
I don't want to get drunk.
All right.
I am so excited about this cat.
Yes. Me, too.
What should we name her?
I don't know.
What about Maud, after my mother?
Yeah. Maud's a nice name.
You think you can talk to the super
about it tomorrow?
Yeah. Yeah, i said i would.
Well, don't forget.
I won't.
Hey, actual... babe.
- What?
- Oh, man.
I am just so wiped out.
I don't know if i can...
I'm kind of in the mood.
Yeah.
How about we, um...
let's play in the morning, huh?
I can't persuade you?
You...
...get yourself hard,
and i'll hop on.
What?
I'll take over once you're ready.
There were nine condoms in here before i left.
Now there's eight.
Why is one missing, Fred?
How should i know?
Did you use one when i was away?
Maybe you counted them wrong.
I've been counting condoms for years,
and i've never made an error.
Who the fuck counts condoms?
Why is there a condom missing?
Why?
Why? Because i had sex.
That's why.
You're lying.
No, i'm not, but, ironically,
i didn't end up using
the damn condom, so...
you had unprotected sex
with another woman?
Yes.
Why are you even telling me this?
Okay, look, Nelly.
It -- it's -- it's not working between us.
Where is this coming from?
Nelly, you don't love me.
What?
You've never, ever really loved me.
You haven't.
You treat me like i'm your personal assistant.
I mean, you do not respect me.
You are a control freak,
and then this whole...
this, us, it's just...
i've done everything to make
a home for us.
I pay 2/3 of the rent.
I pay for the housekeeper.
I pay for most of the food.
I don't care if you pay for the food,
if you pay for the housekeeper,
if you pay for the rent, okay?
I do not want to be in a functional relationship
where it's merely convenient for you to
"hop on".
You are a mean, horrible,
immature son of a bitch!
Where are you going?
I should have done this
a long time ago, but i just...
i didn't have the courage.
Well...
where are you gonna sleep tonight?
You are just like
the character in your novel...
a selfish, uncaring asshole.
You read the chapters?
Yes, i did.
And they suck.
The characters suck, the story sucks,
and you'll never,
ever get published because you suck.
And only now, when i am leaving you,
can you actually talk about something
that's important to me.
Geez.
I was trying not to hurt your feelings.
You know, i wanted you to hurt
my feelings, okay?
And be brutally honest with me
and give me some perspective.
You want perspective?
How about this?
I fucked someone on my trip.
He's a banker, and he lives in Rye,
and he's rich and handsome
and almost divorced,
and we're going out on Friday.
Honestly, Nelly.
I don't care.
FIVE WEEKS LATER
Hey, Mindy. Geez.
I can't believe that
I finally ran into you.
It's crazy.
I mean, i just saw you from
across the street,
and i'm just...
i'm really glad
i got to see you again.
What do you want?
Jesus, I just...
i wanted to say hi.
Hi. And bye.
Hey. Hey, look. I just...
i've been doing a lot of
thinking about you
and...and doing a lot of work,
and the amazing thing...
look, Fred, i am in a really
different place in my life
right now.
Look, i just...
i finished my novel.
Okay, let me take you up
on your offer if it still stands.
You really hurt me.
I know.
I wish that i could just
make it up to you somehow.
I don't know if that's possible.
Okay.
Okay, that's fair. Yeah.
That's totally fair, but...
Can i still get your number?
Why?
So that i can call you
and try to get you
to like me again.
Give me your phone.
You can text me.