I love love
I love being in love
I don't care
what it does to me
Sing I love love
I love being in love
I don't care
what it does to me
I love love
I love being in love
I don't care
what it does to me
These pills are fine
to pass the time 'til I find my new drug
We'll take our chances
we'll last a month
We'll never speak again
How I love being in love
May I help you?
Huh? No.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I'm just browsing.
- Thank you.
- So let me guess.
Big night tonight?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah, actually. Actually, the biggest.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Menage a trois?
- Pardon me?
I'm kidding.
Oh, a menage a trois.
French for, "Who's that dude?"
So you're looking
for something for your girl?
Well, not just any girl, okay?
The most...
The most beautiful and incredible
and amazing and...
Well, girl I've ever met.
Okay. Well, if you have any questions,
my name is Claire.
Okay. Actually, yeah.
Does this come in red?
- I can check.
- Also, Claire, does it come any larger?
Much, much larger.
Oh, no.
Hey. Is she in there?
- Yeah, she's in there.
- Good.
How do I look?
I see your balls.
Are you crazy?
Come here. Come here. Up here, up.
- What's the matter with you?
- What?
This? This is the big idea?
Yeah. Yeah. She's gonna love it.
- She's gonna hate it.
- She's gonna love it.
- No, she's gonna hate it.
- Love it.
No, she's gonna hate it more than I hate it,
and I really hate it.
You know what your problem is, Ted?
You just...
You don't understand true love.
Oh, and you do?
I understand that there's a girl
that I love waiting for me in there.
And you know what? She loves me, too.
I still see balls.
Can I get you a drink
while you wait for your friend?
Hopefully, in a man's life,
you do this one time.
Well, I want my one time
to be unforgettable.
I want tonight to be a story Vanessa
and me will be telling our grandkids.
You almost done with that baby oil?
Yeah. That's it.
Get it in there. Soak those abs.
- I'm gonna kill you.
- Thanks, buddy.
- What's up, ladies?
- Oh, goodness.
There you go, beautiful.
I brought you some c-rations on the house.
Some what?
Oh, sorry. That's Special Forces talk.
Are you in the Special Forces?
That's not something
I'm at liberty to discuss.
Anderson, I sell cars.
My job is to close a deal.
- Trust me. This is not gonna close a deal.
- Give me the ring, Ted.
No. I can't let you do this.
- Give me the ring!
- No.
- Give me the ring, now!
- No.
Give me the ring!
Just give me the ring! I just want the ring!
I've got to propose!
Okay. Hey, watch the wings!
Watch the wings!
I'm not gonna lie to you, Vanessa.
Special Ops,
it's a deadly game.
But as a very brave person once remarked,
"Life is either daring or it's nothing."
Do you know who that brave person was?
My personal hero, Helen Keller.
Helen Keller.
Excuse me, Vanessa.
I think table 16 needs more garlic knots.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention, please?
I am Cupid, god of love.
Dear God!
Shooter! Shooter! We got a shooter!
Down! Everybody, down!
Down! Down!
Anderson!
You know this perp?
He's my boyfriend.
I didn't know you had a boyfriend.
Anderson, get up! Get up!
You could have gotten yourself killed!
Vanessa, I...
I wrote you a poem.
"I am Cupid, god of love
"I come from skies far above
"Bringing love to all I see
"Now I have found some love for me"
Fag.
"And so I get on bended knee
"To ask, Vanessa, will you marry me?"
Vanessa?
Oh, my God. She's...
Nessy?
I stopped to think about
the bad times that I've had
It puts a smile on my face
Curled up with nothing to do
Why is the sun always out
when I'm feeling blue?
It must be you
Oh, it must be you
It must be you
Oh, it must be you
When I took
my first drink of alcohol
I saw the Angel of Death
floating over us all
With a smile on my face
I just wept
How does a grown man laugh
in the face of death?
It must be you
Oh, it must be you
Hey, you hungry?
Did I ever tell you what she smelled like?
- What?
- Dew drops.
- She was perfect.
- Nobody's perfect.
- She was perfect.
- Nobody's perfect.
Okay. Like, you know how most people
have wrinkly knees?
Okay? Hers were perfectly smooth,
like billiard balls.
- You know what I used to call her?
- What?
- Billiard ball knees.
- You know what might be fun?
Not talking about your dead girlfriend.
Huh?
I still see her sometimes.
- Here?
- Just forget it.
You know, I'd like to, Anderson,
I really would,
but you won't shut up about it.
She's been dead twice as long
as you knew her. Get over it.
- I'm sorry, "Get over it"?
- Yeah.
How do you get over perfection?
How do you get over perfection?
You look around.
Maybe there's
another perfect somebody out there.
Here we go.
- Don't talk to him like that.
- Eat that goddamn spaghetti.
This is just what the therapist
was talking about.
We're wasting enough money
on that therapist.
I don't believe you.
Who wanted to come here? Not me.
I am so sorry. What did you just do?
What did you do?
Satisfied? I looked around.
I'm just saying,
don't throw your whole life away
'cause you killed your girlfriend.
- Fiancee.
- Technically, she never said yes.
Anyway, I don't know
if you're gonna find anyone else
whose butt smells
like gumdrops or whatever,
but I know you won't unless you try.
So is that it? Is that it, huh?
You want me to try?
One time. That's all I'm saying.
- One time. I try, you get off my back.
- You have my solemn word.
Fine.
Fine, Ted. I'll try. I'll try.
Hey. Can I get you guys anything else?
That's what I'm talking about.
Back on the horse.
Is there anything else I can get for you?
Will you marry me?
Excuse me?
Will you marry me?
Stuart, you're flapping...
All right. Pigs? Three little pigs?
A banjo? And piggies?
Deliverance!
- Oh, my gosh! Like a machine.
- Oh, man.
- Oh, my God. Oh, you guys are so fast.
- That was great.
Okay. It's my turn,
and this is a really good one.
So I need you all to pay attention.
Especially you, mon amour.
Give me the little hand.
- Isn't he the cutest thing ever?
- Hey, I resent that.
Isn't it getting kind of late, you guys?
Oh, what's the matter, Cinderella?
You're not gonna turn into a pumpkin,
are you?
Do I know how to push her buttons,
or what?
I am pushing your buttons.
Honey, do your charade, okay?
I have to get up early tomorrow.
Aye, aye, Captain. Okay.
Oh, wait. We can't do this...
Incoming.
Here we go. Last one.
- Four words. First word.
- Four words. First word.
- Me... Me...
- Shazam.
William! William! Shorter. Willie. Will!
- Will.
- Will. Okay.
- Second word. It sounds like...
- Second word. Sounds like...
- Rockette. Boot. Shoe.
- Shoe.
You.
Fourth word.
- Me, it's me again... Me?
- Me?
- Oh, it is "Me." Okay.
- Will you blank me?
Hey, buddy, there's ladies present.
All right, well, you know,
that's just tasteless, Stuart,
- for God's sake.
- Sorry.
All right. Will you blank me?
Third word.
Saunter.
- Marry?
- Stuart, he's proposing.
Katie, will you marry me?
Yes! Yes! She says yes!
- Honey?
- Katie!
Katie!
Katie!
Honestly, Katherine,
do you have any idea how embarrassing
that was for me last night?
I didn't say no, Mom.
I just said I needed to think about it.
What's there to think about?
That boy is a catch, and he's crazy
about you. God knows why.
Just tell me, what is it you want?
Because William is perfect.
For one thing, he's just about
the most attractive orthodontist
I think I've ever seen.
And he's incredibly romantic.
Mom, I know he's perfect.
I just need a little time.
Will you talk to her, Stuart?
Not to toot my own horn,
but William reminds me a lot of me
when I was younger.
Are you listening to your father?
He is not my father.
This man is more of a father to you
than your father ever was,
God rest his soul.
- Dad is not dead.
- He's dead to me, the son of a bitch.
- Don't talk about Dad that way!
- Don't you raise your voice to me!
- You're getting emotional, Lois.
- I am not getting emotional!
All right.
I am leaving this house in five minutes,
and if you want to be on that bus,
I suggest you pull yourself together.
Sometimes I wonder if you still love him.
Who?
- Dad.
- Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?
Well, you must have loved him once.
Honey, I was 18 when I met your father
and about as dumb as a piece of ham.
What did I know about love?
All I knew was...
He was the hottest thing
that I had ever seen.
Oh, he looked like a panther,
a sex panther.
Sounds like love to me.
Well, there's a big difference between love
and mindless, animalistic, carnal lust.
And what do you have with Stuart?
What I have with Stuart is what I want
for you and William.
- A mature, stable relationship.
- But are you happy?
Of course I'm happy. I'm very happy.
Very, very happy.
No, no. Very happy.
Very happy.
- I gotta go. The bus is here.
- All right.
Very happy.
There she is. There's my beautiful girl!
Hey! Keep it down.
I will eat your head!
I will tear it off, shove it up your ass,
pull it through your mouth,
brush my teeth with it, and then eat it!
- I will eat it.
- Smitty!
I'm not finished. Eat it!
- Dad.
- What?
- Apologize to him.
- Oh, come on.
I'm serious, Dad. It's just rude. Now.
Do it now, Dad.
Hey, Dave. I'm sorry.
Smitty, I'm working
on my appeal over here.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
You see, that's why
I love you so much, Baby Bear.
You got your mother's good heart.
What's wrong?
No, nothing.
William asked me to marry him.
But that's good.
That's what you wanted, no?
Yeah.
No.
Oh, Dad, I don't know. I just...
I mean, how are you supposed to know
when you're with the right person?
Just listen to your heart, Baby Bear.
You'll know.
Hey, do you know what I do
when I'm feeling blue?
Yeah. You drink homemade toilet wine.
No!
Well, yeah.
But I also write in my gratitude journal.
And every day, I write about the things
that I have to be grateful for,
like you and your mother.
Oh, here.
"December 25th, Christmas Day.
"I am grateful that somebody finally
stabbed that cocksucker Rodriguez."
Dad.
I'm gonna say yes.
Yes!
I mean, we get along so well, right?
He's so funny. He cracks me up, you guys.
I'm gonna say yes.
That's great. Right, Matador?
I think William is kind of a turd.
- Really?
- Yeah.
But he's like a turd
with a piece of candy in it.
Marriage isn't in our blood.
We're circus folk.
Gypsies roaming from big top to big top
on the open road.
You guys have been working in the diner
since I've known you.
Not in here, Katie. Not in here.
Gentlemen, observe.
Can I get you guys anything else?
Will you marry me?
- Excuse me?
- Will you marry me?
Seriously.
Think about it.
What could possibly be more romantic
than throwing away your entire life
and running off with some handsome,
dark-haired stranger
you spotted across a restaurant?
I'm sorry. He's had a lot of syrup.
- Okay.
- Okay, he's had a lot of syrup?
Okay, I'll marry you.
What?
Yes. Yes.
I'll marry you!
Jane! Jane! Will you cover for me?
Where're you going?
I'm getting married! To this guy!
Come on. Come on!
Go. Get out of here. I got the bill.
Oh!
Anderson.
- Katie.
- Katie. Hi.
Two kisses.
Big rig. Watch this.
Stick that arm up your ass!
Got a brand new roof
above my head
All the empty boxes
thrown away
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah. Yeah.
So years from now,
when we're celebrating
our 37th wedding anniversary
and one of our friends
asks us about our first date,
is this what we'll talk about?
I guess it is. Yeah. Okay.
And... And then I'll tell them
the funny part.
What's the funny part?
That after we talked about it,
you stepped in dog shit.
- Oh! I stepped in dog shit!
- Yeah.
Why didn't you warn me?
You could have warned me.
That would have ruined the story.
Ah, man. Can I borrow your...
Oh, God! Cut it out!
Okay, careful, careful.
I've never been up here before.
Yeah, it's a cool place to come if you want
to get an old refrigerator filled with vomit.
I was looking for one of those.
Yeah? Well, I think
it's two-for-one day, so...
Look what I've got.
Tetanus?
- This is stupid.
- What?
You know, this. Us sitting up here,
pretending we're doing something.
It's just stupid.
It is, right?
I mean, obviously
we're not getting married.
Obviously.
- Strangers don't get married.
- Well, in some cultures they do.
- They do?
- But not ours.
Not ours.
Other cultures, far-away cultures.
The Kalahari bushmen is one example.
- And my parents did. They did.
- They did?
My mom barely knew my dad,
and she got pregnant with me,
and they eloped
to this weird little place
called The House of Wedded Bliss
in Atlantic City.
The House of Wedded Bliss?
Yeah.
Doesn't that sound incredibly romantic?
Sounds like a bad Chinese takeout place.
Yeah, well, I mean, just because they did,
doesn't mean that we are, right?
You probably weren't even serious
when you asked.
Were you?
Of course not.
You see, that's what I'm talking about.
I mean, this whole thing is just...
It's stupid.
- Wait.
- I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait. What's happening?
I'm just such an idiot.
Are you crying?
- No.
- Why are you crying?
I am not crying.
It really looks like you're crying.
Yeah, well, I'm crying now.
Are you satisfied, you asshole?
Hey. Hey, hey.
Hey. Hey, you.
Hey! Hey.
Are you okay?
I can't remember the last time I did that.
I don't think I've ever done that.
- Do you want a tissue?
- No, I'm fine. I feel incredible.
Really?
Why is that?
- You sure you don't want a tissue?
- No, I'm fine.
Anderson, when you asked me
to marry you,
you probably picked the only girl
in the whole world that would say yes.
I don't think that's a coincidence, do you?
I don't know.
- Do you believe in fate?
- No.
Neither do I.
You see, this was meant to be.
Will you marry me?
You said yes?
- Yeah. Well, why not?
You know, I think this is exactly
what I need to get my life back on track.
I mean,
why can't two strangers get married?
- I don't know. Because it's retarded?
- Look, you said it yourself.
You said I need to get back out there
and meet people. Right? So...
Yeah, meet! Meet! Not marry!
Why can't you just date her for a while
like a normal human being?
Look, don't worry. Okay? It's not...
You know, it's not like
we're getting married today.
We talked about it,
and we decided to take things slow.
- So what's next?
- She's moving in with me.
I gotta go.
Okay. Well, good luck with that.
I don't care
whether you hear this
I don't care if I'm alone
here singing songs to myself
There's nobody else around,
around
Meet you up
at the Indian part of the town
The town's shut down,
the people left with their bags
Their kids so there's not
a sound, a sound
But I must get
from there to here
There's a small voice crying
on the other side of the river from here
It's too late
to phone her now
William, I have some weird news.
It's good news for me.
I can't marry you.
I'll explain everything later. I'm so sorry.
I love you... As a friend. Okay, bye.
Just a minute
close your eyes
If we settle
for this compromise I'll stay with you
The river looks
so good tonight
Can I leave a message for 99138?
I don't know
what's with your friend
Phone message, Smitty.
She said she'd had enough
of playing games
It's from my daughter.
She's getting married.
Oh, yeah?
It's too bad you're not gonna be there
to walk her down the aisle, big guy.
- What is this?
- I'm getting married!
- No, this.
- It's a diaphragm.
I know what it is. Not in front of...
Please. Please.
- It's her diaphragm.
- Stuart!
- Damn it!
- Jeez.
- Where are you going?
- I told you. I'm getting married.
- You said yes!
- Not to William.
Not to William?
His name's Anderson.
I met him a couple of hours ago.
A couple of hours ago?
What kind of... What about William?
What kind of name is Anderson?
- Use your head here, Katie.
- He's black, isn't he?
I have to go.
Don't you think
you're being a little impulsive?
Yes! That is exactly what I'm being.
And guess what? It feels great!
- You ready?
- Oh, my God.
Hi.
Hey, there, dude. You must be Anderson.
- No.
- Matador.
This is my friend, Matador.
He's just giving me a ride.
I like your Jew hat.
Bye, Mom. I'll bring him by
for you to meet him tomorrow!
- Can you see?
- No.
No problem.
You know, this happens all the time.
How can you see?
Just be patient!
This will clear up in a second.
Okay, slow down.
- What?
- Slow down.
Oh, my! Oh, my!
Oh, my!
I killed that fellow.
I killed that fellow with my car!
- Oh, my God, not again.
- Anderson?
Vanessa?
Anderson?
Vanessa?
Am I dead?
You're just unconscious.
Does it hurt?
Not really.
Now does it hurt?
You're getting married?
No! No! No! We're not getting married.
We're just...
We're just moving in together.
I thought you loved me.
I do, Vanessa. I do.
I'll never love anybody but you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Of course.
Then dump her.
Promise me, Anderson.
I promise.
Touch my lightsaber, Luke.
Touch it!
- What is that? What is that?
- It's just ice.
Okay.
Hello.
Katie, would you like
to make the introductions?
I hit you with my car.
This is Matador.
Matador.
Here. I got you a small gift.
I didn't have time to wrap it.
It's a Discman.
This is my Discman.
Did you take this from my drawer?
Yes, I did.
Okay.
Matador, could you do me a giant favor?
Yeah.
Is there some way that you could not
press your balls into my shin?
- Can do.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
Are you okay?
Well, I thought he was abrupt,
but I'll be fine.
Yeah, I think... I think I'll be okay.
Matador.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Very good.
Okay.
Take care, now.
I will.
He seems nice.
- Does it hurt?
- No, it's fine.
- You're so brave.
- Listen. Listen, Katie...
- Hey, where's your bedroom?
- Bedroom?
Yeah. I need to put this somewhere.
- What's this?
- My clothes.
- Your clothes?
- Yeah, you know, for wearing.
Oh, clothes.
Right. I thought you said "cloves." Cloves.
And I was like,
"Cloves, that's a weird thing to pack."
Okay, yeah. You found the bedroom.
So, yup. So this... This is the bedroom.
This is the bedroom.
I should probably clean up a little.
Good. Good.
So listen, I was thinking about everything
and how great this is,
but it's all happening so fast,
and I was afraid
that maybe you thought it
was happening too fast.
That's what makes it so exciting.
Exactly. Exactly.
That's what I was exactly going to say.
Because personally,
I couldn't be more thrilled.
Well, you seem really nervous.
Really? No, no, no. I don't...
That's weird. I don't get nervous.
I just express joy by sweating on occasion.
- Who's Vanessa?
- Who?
You said "Vanessa"
right before you passed out.
- I did?
- Oh, is this her?
No. No, that's not her.
I don't know who that is.
That's... That picture came with the frame.
But you're in the picture.
Yeah, there I am, right there. I know.
That's because I used to do
some modeling when I was younger.
- Really?
- Yes, I did.
I did some picture frame modeling
back when that whole "regular guy" phase
was sweeping the picture frame
modeling industry.
- That is so cool.
- Yeah.
The telephone's ringing.
Should I get it?
No. No, no, no.
It's my mom. I'll call her back.
- Oh, should I say hi?
- That's okay.
No, really, it's weird.
I mean, I should say hi, right?
No, no. That's... I got it. I got it.
Hello, Mom? Hi. Hi!
Oh, same old, same old.
How are you guys?
If she wants to talk to me,
I'm here.
Yeah, listen. No.
Everything is... Everything is...
Everything is good.
Okay, sweetie.
Yeah.
I gotta go, Mom. I love you.
Yeah. Love you. See you tomorrow, then.
Okay. See you tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
How's Anderson?
Fine, I guess.
He says he has a surprise for us.
He's coming over tomorrow.
What's he doing tomorrow?
Coming.
He's what?
Coming.
I can give you what you want
I can make
your heart beat short
I'm scared.
Give me that, little girl.
I'm just a little girl. I'm a little girl.
- Anderson?
- Just a minute! Just a minute.
I can be the sauce
you crave
I can spell
what you can't say
Chocolate flavored
love theme treat that treats you so mean
Covering your
nights and days
Let me give you
what you'd like
I can make your mouth
run dry
Drink me like a liquor,
c'mon and dip your dipper
Show me
what you're here for, guy
- Anderson? Anderson?
- Coming.
Okay.
Listen. Listen, Katie.
I think you're really neat. Okay, I do.
But I just...
I can't. I can't,
'cause I made a promise to somebody.
And...
"I think you're really neat"? God.
What you want
I can give you what you want
What you want
I can give you what you want
What you want
I can
Oh, God! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.
No, Anderson. It's okay.
Turn around.
So what did your mom say?
Oh, yeah. Well, she...
I was thinking that we could go over there
and meet them before we...
Get married?
If you want to put a label on it.
Great, 'cause I told my mom
we'd go over to visit her tomorrow, too.
Great. That's great.
I was thinking we could take a bus over
to my folks' house.
- I like buses.
- That's good. 'Cause it's a bus. It's a bus.
Minty.
Well, that's toothpaste for you.
That's just classic toothpaste.
Oh, God!
- It's in my eye! It hurts!
- I'm sorry. I swallowed some. Sorry.
It's really burning.
Did you wanna go in...
The bathroom's right there.
- Where?
- Yup, this way. Yes. Yeah, you got it.
Maybe I should go out
and get some saline solution.
No. I'm fine.
Yeah, but maybe I should go, you know,
get some saline
or eye drops or something.
No, really.
I'll go get some saline.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Slow down. What's the problem?
I think she wants to have sex with me.
I'm gonna call 911.
I'm so embarrassed.
I mean, I feel like such an idiot.
- Maybe you just came on a little strong.
- Oh, God.
A couple hours ago, she was moving in.
All your problems were solved,
rainbows were shooting out of your ass.
What happened?
Nothing. Nothing. She's great. She's great.
It's just...
What?
- What would Vanessa say? Huh?
- Oh, buddy.
I was just trying to be spontaneous,
you know?
He probably thinks I'm such a freak.
No. Trust me. You're not a freak.
Hold on. Help. Help. Help me.
I've got to go. He's here.
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.
They were out of saline,
so I got you some Q-tips
and some zit cream.
So you can do with that what you please.
How's your head?
- Oh, sorry.
- No, it's okay.
My eye is fine.
Right. How's your eye?
- It's fine.
- Good.
Wow.
- Wowee.
- Wowee dowee doo.
Doowee wowie booby.
Well, I think we better get to bed.
I think it's time for...
Not... I mean, not that kind of bed.
Not that kind of bed.
I mean... I mean, like,
sleepy time. Sleepy bed.
'Cause...
'Cause I... You know.
'Cause your eye and my head and...
Well, if we have
any more physical contact,
I think one of us might actually die. So...
So the weekend
came and went
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- It's all right.
- Go back to sleep. I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
Sunday afternoon's
a memory
She was just lying there
Sleeping softly in a chair
Are you almost ready?
I told Mom we'd be there in,
like, half an hour.
She's gonna love you!
Fourth word!
You're holding hands.
You're holding hands.
You're with friends. You're skip...
Wizard of Oz! The Wizard of Oz!
Diving? The Greg Louganis Story?
Flashdance!
Airplane!
Him?
Her? When a Man Loves a Woman!
Sound of Music!
Philadelphia!
Deep Throat! Deep Throat!
Oh, sorry.
Okay. You know what?
You know what, dear?
We give up. Why don't you just tell us?
- That was The Apple Dumpling Gang.
- Oh.
It's not an easy one. So...
It was really good.
Thanks. Thanks. Thank you.
I'm sorry... Thanks.
- You're so good. Yeah. It was hard.
- I thought it...
- I thought it made sense.
- It was good.
- It was a tough one, so...
- Yeah.
And then a few years ago,
I was in a toy store and I had a thought.
What if there was a line of stuffed animals
specifically for Jewish children?
And that's when the Jewnicorn was born.
Listen.
Well, Anderson, what do you think?
Wow.
Wow.
I think it's very...
Specific.
In a good way, of course.
So, Anderson, what is it you do?
Oh, Anderson's
between jobs right now, Mom.
- Oh, he's between jobs?
- Yeah.
I see.
You know, maybe you'd like
to go downstairs to the basement
and see where Stuart makes
all his little toys.
- Mom, no. Why?
- Well, yeah. Yes, yeah.
Oh, I think he'd be interested.
Especially if you like googly eyes.
- As a matter of fact, I do like googly eyes.
- Okay.
That does it. Follow me, young man.
Santa's not the only one with a workshop.
- Wow.
- What do you think?
- What is this?
- Jewla-Hoop.
Doesn't really work.
Kind of like you, right, Anderson?
William.
I thought you two should speak.
I've been here this whole time.
Been watching you with him.
I mean, what do you even see
in that loser?
He doesn't even know
how to do The Apple Dumpling Gang.
Apple. Dump. Ling. Gang.
That's The Apple Dumpling Gang, okay?
That's the motherfucking
Apple Dumpling Gang!
William, you are really,
really good at charades,
and nobody can ever take that
away from you.
I had a whole life planned for us.
You know, a big house, three kids,
two boys and a girl, you know?
I know.
Conner, Tanner and Ashley. I'm sorry.
I'm not gay.
What?
What?
- I think you should go.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay. I'll go.
But this ball isn't over, Cinderella.
'Cause, oh...
Oh, I'm still dancing.
Do you hear me? I'm still dancing!
Check it.
I'm still dancing. Who's still dancing?
I'm a dancing fool, yeah!
Did you hear that?
Got it.
We should get going, 'cause
we're gonna see Anderson's parents.
- I'll grab our jackets.
- Okay.
Okay, well, this has been fun.
So, thank you.
I think they really liked you.
I do, I could tell.
Especially my mom. My mom loved you.
- Really?
- Yeah, definitely.
'Cause I got the impression
she thought I was a loser.
Why would you say that?
When you were in the bathroom,
your mom said she thought I was a loser.
I thought you were great.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Well, I think you're pretty great, too.
- Sorry.
- Do you want to sit down?
Okay. Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Sure thing.
May I?
Wow.
Anderson, you have to feel this.
Okay.
Wow. I think I felt a kick.
Do you mind if I take a listen?
Wow.
- When are you due?
- I'm not pregnant.
This is my stop.
Getting off, getting off, getting off!
Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.
- I feel terrible.
- That is your fault.
- Oh, my God.
- That is your fault.
Anderson!
Hey, there, skipper! Hey!
Who's the good-looking potato?
Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Katie, my...
- Fiancee.
- My fiancee.
Fiancee?
Well...
- Well...
- Congratulations!
Hot dog! Hot dog, I say! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
I think Monitor approves, too.
The dog!
Should we go inside?
I've got to hand it to you, skipper.
She's a peach.
Yeah. I guess you think
I'm being pretty foolish, huh?
Why should I think that?
Because I just met Katie,
and we hardly know each other.
You've got your whole lives
to get to know each other.
- What if I don't like what I get to know?
- Oh, that's just nerves talking.
I remember just before I got married,
your grandpa and I walked our dog,
had a little conversation
about the birds and the bees.
I tell you,
when he told me what he told me,
I just about fell down.
Yeah.
I think I pretty much know everything
about that stuff, Dad.
Oh, of course you do. Of course you do.
You're a grown man.
About time
that I started treating you like one.
So I guess I don't have to tell you
what this is for.
I've had this cock ring since my Navy days.
I got it from a $3 whore in Shanghai.
Wow, that's a really nice...
It's a nice ring.
- Cock ring, Son.
- Cock ring. Cock ring.
Yeah. I don't know what it is,
ever since I left the service
I've been having trouble
with firing my torpedoes too soon.
If you take my meaning.
I think I do, Dad.
- Premature ejaculation.
- Okay. Okay.
- Son.
- Yeah.
I want you to have it.
I want you to have my cock ring.
I don't know what to say.
Knock, knock.
I'm sorry, Smitty.
I just wanted to borrow your Dirt Devil.
Dinner was terrific, Mrs. Wells.
Oh, no, I won't have any of that.
We're family now.
I'd like you to call me Mommy.
Okay.
I suppose Anderson told you
all about Vanessa?
Oh. No. Yeah. I mean, he did.
Mommy.
He really loved her. I suppose we all did.
I thought of that girl as one of my own.
Why did they break up?
Break up?
Oh, heavens, they didn't break up.
She died, poor little thing.
Her heart just gave out
the night he proposed.
Oh, my God!
Some folks around here blame Anderson,
the way he surprised her and all.
I know I do.
When she went,
it just about tore this family apart.
There were nights I thought about
sticking Daddy's service revolver
in my mouth and pulling the trigger,
just so I could be with her in heaven.
Mrs. Wells, I'm not trying
to take Vanessa's...
Don't you say her name.
I will cut you.
We're home, Mother.
Where are you girls hiding?
We're just having a little girl talk, Daddy.
Oh, how was your walk, sweetheart?
- Very nice.
- Hi, honey.
I don't know what you said to my mom,
but whatever it was, it worked.
She loved you.
And believe me, my mom's not always
as sweet as she looks.
- Really?
- No, really. I know it's hard to believe.
Don't you have anything
you want to tell me?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
You look really nice tonight.
You're a real jerk.
Are we about to have our first fight?
'Cause if we are, you think we can finish it
before we get to your friend's house?
Or it could wait.
I just don't understand.
Why didn't you tell me about Vanessa
when I asked?
- Who's Vanessa?
- She was my girlfriend.
- His fiancee.
- Okay, technically, she never said yes.
She died.
Did you kill her?
No.
That's not what your mother says.
Look, I was gonna tell you.
Okay? Okay? But...
But what?
I mean, you're still in love with her?
You're in love with a dead girl!
- You freak!
- Freak?
Freak? I'm the freak? I'm the freak?
What kind of person
accepts a marriage proposal
from a complete stranger? Freak!
Well, what kind of a person asks? Freak!
- Stop calling me freak!
- Stop being one, you freak!
Okay. Okay.
I don't care what you think about me,
just leave her out of it.
Her? Her? You can't even say her name!
It's Vanessa, you asshole!
And she's dead! Dead, dead, dead!
Wow. That was harsh, harsh, harsh.
Wouldn't be the first time
love made a fool of me
Wouldn't even care
but now you're here to see
It comes as no surprise
Just leave the light on
What I wouldn't give
if you could have it all
Sun is going down
The bed that breaks the fall
Cradle and the bough
So you can take comfort now
You can take comfort now
Hey.
Hey.
We split up to look for you.
You know, when I was a kid,
I didn't have many friends.
You're kidding?
Nope. It's the truth. I don't know why.
Perhaps 'cause I was into
different things than the other kids.
Acrobats, strongmen, makeup,
that sort of thing.
Right. That sort of thing.
But I didn't let it bother me, you know,
because I knew what I loved.
The circus?
You know, the circus is a lot like love.
Oh? How so?
Well, if it's a good one,
it's a really good one, it's beautiful
and terrifying and magical,
all at the same time.
And you wouldn't give up on the circus
just because
once in a while a girl falls off
the high wire, snaps her neck.
Oh, dead girls.
Sensitive subject. I'm sorry.
Morning.
"Prison escape." Honey?
No, thanks.
I thought that maybe
you could open it for me.
Oh.
Stuart?
Stuart?
Hiya, Little Bear.
What the hell are you doing here?
Stuart, honey, are you okay?
- Ducky.
- Smitty, what did you do?
You think I would miss walking
my little girl down that aisle?
- Where is she?
- Ran off with her loser boyfriend.
Hey! You shut up, all right, pal?
Did she say where she was going?
No! I don't know. No. No!
Get away from me. Oh, my God.
Hey.
Hey! Hey!
This is all your fault.
You chased her away!
Lois, please, you're getting...
Emotional?
You're right. I'm getting good
and goddamned emotional.
And what the hell are you going to do
about it, you tiny, tiny man?
- Easy, Little Bear. Easy.
- You spineless little noodle.
Easy, Lois. Now, come on.
Let's go find our baby.
All right. Let me go get dressed, Big Bear.
Let me help, Little Bear.
Hey! What's that?
Nothing.
Take care, Matador.
- Hey.
- You never gave me a key.
Right.
I just need to pack up my shit
and you'll never see me again.
Can I get a taxi, please?
What is the address?
- 6 New Lane.
- 6 New Lane.
- Apartment... Don't go.
- Apartment... What?
I like you and I don't want you to go.
Hello?
Hold on. What did you say?
I like you and I don't want you to go.
You don't like me.
- Don't tell me who I like. Screw you!
- Screw you!
- Screw you!
- No, screw you!
God, you're impossible!
You are pig-headed. You are stubborn.
You don't even warn a guy
when he's about to step in dog shit.
What is that?
Ever since I met you,
I've been a total wreck.
Even more of a wreck than usual.
And screw you, I like you!
Yeah? Well, you're a liar!
And you have horrible morning breath.
And you could never have made it
as a picture frame model.
It is so cutthroat and so competitive.
And ever since I met you,
I've been feeling completely crazy.
And I like you, too!
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay. So we like each other.
Now what?
Let's go.
- Really? Where?
- Trust me.
- Where are we going?
- After you.
- Please?
- No.
- Please?
- No.
Doesn't one of them have a car?
No, not one that will make it.
No, I'm not doing this.
I'm going to lose my job.
You hate your job.
Yeah, but that and my thumbs
are the only things
separating me from the animals.
Besides, I could get arrested.
I am not doing this,
and I'm not gonna feel bad about it.
And there's nothing you can say
to change my mind.
Hey.
Taking a test drive, Hal.
May I drive?
No.
Okay.
Love is a game
for two to play
Don't go wishing
your life away
Come on now
The race ain't run
Love is a game
Games can be fun
Love is a game
for two to win
Walking along
with a great big grin
Come on now
Take a run at the sun
We're taking the car, honey!
Do you know
where she might go to get married?
Only one place she would go.
Come on now
The deal ain't done
Love is a game
Games can be fun
Pretty soon you'll find
yourself
Hoppin' skippin'and jumpin'
Turning somersaults
With that heart
a-thump, thump, thumpin'
Love is a game
for two to play
Don't go wishing
your life away
Come on now
The song ain't sung
Love is a game
Games can be fun
Love is a game
Games should be fun
Love is a game
Games can be fun
- Hey. What do you think?
- Nice.
Hey, so what's their deal?
Are they, like, a thing?
Like, weirdo and weirdette?
No. No. They're just roomies.
What about you and Anderson?
Oh, yeah. We make out once in a while.
Hey, no, we've been friends
since seventh grade homeroom.
We entered a talent show together
as Wayne and Garth. I was Garth.
Well, you guys must be pretty close
if you're willing to steal a car for him.
We did not steal a car.
We're just on a very, very long test drive.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
You know, he's had it pretty tough
last year, and...
Ted, I'm not gonna hurt him.
Yeah, 'cause he's an idiot, you know?
But he's my best friend.
Someone's gotta watch his back.
Hey!
Hey.
- Hello.
- That's it?
That's all you have to say to me, "Hello"?
Hello, stranger?
I won't be such a stranger when I detach
your bicuspids from your alveolus.
Pardon?
You ruined my life!
Please tell me who you are!
"Please tell me who you are."
I'm the Grim Reaper, ass clam!
William!
William! What are you doing?
Exacting my vengeance!
Again, Katie, would you like
to make the introductions?
Anderson, this is William, my...
Wife! Wife! I'm her wife!
I mean, she's my wife! To be!
We're engaged!
What?
You didn't tell him?
I asked her to marry me three days ago.
I never said yes.
You accepted a balloon bouquet from me!
In a court of law,
that's the same thing as saying yes.
- I don't think that's true.
- Is there a problem here, folks?
Oh, no. There's no problem here, Officer.
This is him.
And he said he was just going
for a test drive, see?
Excuse me.
You folks move along now, all right?
Okay, Officer. Thanks.
We're gonna get going. Bye.
Oh, my.
This could be really bad.
Hi, Mom? Guess where I am.
Oh, my word.
What is it, Mother?
Anderson's in trouble.
It's that girl, I just know it.
All right, you two,
we're gonna have to cut it short.
Haven't we taught that boy values?
There's lemonade in the fridge.
Welcome to Tuxedo Depot.
I'm Bill, I'll be your conductor.
How can I help you reach
your formal wear destination?
You can help me by shutting up, Bill.
This is a stickup.
We don't want your money.
What do you think?
I think you look great.
Doesn't he look great?
- Yeah, he looks great.
- Yeah, great. Fantastic.
Pizza. Gotcha.
Pizza, you're under arrest.
So,
Katie tells me, you know,
you're some sort of circus...
Freak?
Yeah, I think that's the word she used.
Yeah, I guess there aren't a lot of girls
that spend their weekends
learning how to breathe fire.
No.
How do you breathe fire?
Well, it's like the old saying,
you just pucker your lips and blow.
And then, of course,
you try not to inhale the propellant,
'cause you can collapse a lung.
All units. All units.
Damn it.
All right,
we're moving out of here real slow.
Nobody say nothing,
nobody do nothing, nobody gets hurt.
Thank you. You've been very nice.
Freeze!
- Freeze! Put your hands on your head!
You've had a tough couple of days, huh?
Aside from being hit by a car
and assaulted by an orthodontist,
hasn't been too bad.
I'm sorry about William.
He's usually a nice guy.
You know, it's funny you say that,
because I remember thinking
as he was kicking me in the face,
"Hey, this guy is pretty nice."
I'll shut up.
You know, I just think
maybe the world is trying
to tell us something.
Well, like what?
Like, maybe you can't look across
a crowded restaurant,
find the person you're supposed
to spend the rest of your life with.
Hey.
You didn't read me my rights.
And what are those handcuffs...
Not my problem. Tell it to the judge.
Hey, put them in the front.
Get a space heater...
I demand to be Mirandized.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- Holy shit!
- Mom?
- Katie!
- Baby Bear!
- Dad!
Anderson, this is my dad!
Hi. Hi. Nice to meet you.
Excuse the jewelry.
- What are you doing here?
- We stole a car!
- Allegedly.
- Oh, good for you!
All of you, pipe down!
This guy's fugitive ass
is going back to the big house.
I'm sorry, your dad's a fugitive?
Yep.
Okay. All right. Come on, let's go.
- Come to me, baby.
- Daddy!
So good to see you.
You, too.
Mom. Dad.
Oh, my God!
Who the hot springs are you people?
We're his parents.
- Hey.
- Nice to see you again, Katie.
Hi, Mommy?
Mom, Dad, these are Katie's parents.
Why are Katie's parents in the hoosegow?
Yeah. Mom?
He kidnapped me.
He kidnapped me from my Stuart.
What are you talking about?
Baby, what are you doing?
Mom, Dad, stop!
Back me up. No, no!
All right, freeze!
You freeze!
Mom!
No. You drop that gun! You drop that gun!
Put down the piece. I will blow you away.
I will seriously wound this jackass!
Don't you think I won't!
I will violate your bodily organs
with tempered steel!
I am Little Bear, protecting her brood!
- Put that down! Put down the gun, now!
- You don't think I would do this?
To preserve the rule of law,
I will gladly sacrifice this man!
What?
- Mom?
- Not now, sweetheart.
Drop it!
This is not police procedure!
- She startled me.
- Help me up!
Give me the keys.
Give me those keys right now
and get over there before I hurt this man.
Sweetheart, get your jacket.
Go! Go! Come on! Come on!
The keys! The keys!
We're not going anywhere!
My son is not going
to be an accessory to a felony.
Will you get a load of this one?
"My son's too good for felonies."
You snobby bitch.
Lady, I have half a mind
to stick my boot right up your cooter.
- What?
- You...
Katie?
Katie, what are you doing?
I don't know.
These past few days, I haven't really
had any idea what I'm doing, Anderson.
But what I'm realizing is
I'm standing here shooting a stolen gun,
which, by the way, is pretty cool.
What I'm realizing is that I don't care,
as long as I can keep doing it
with you, Anderson.
Because I think you can.
I think you can look across
a crowded restaurant
and fall in love with a grubby stranger.
And I think love can be instantaneous
and insane.
So, Anderson,
for the last time I'm asking you...
Will you marry me?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yes, say it!
Yes. Yes.
Yes!
Gotta go!
Let's go! Come on!
Take the van. The keys are on the hook.
- Take the van.
- Thank you.
You go, girl!
Bye!
Don't stop believing!
Believe, you gotta believe
Oh, you gotta believe
Got to believe
Yeah, yeah, got to believe
How do you feel? Nervous?
No. I feel good.
So let me ask you, when you met this guy,
did you know?
Yeah. I guess I did.
- I love you, Daddy.
- I love you too, Baby Bear.
Look at me, crying like a jailhouse bitch.
Stop it.
Take care of my baby girl.
I will.
'Cause if you don't,
they'll never find you.
Thank you.
My name is Doctor Favreau,
and on behalf of my family,
I'd like to welcome you all
to The House of Wedded Bliss.
A couple who marries here,
I personally guarantee,
that's a marriage that's gonna last for life.
And we never forget a face.
Ain't that right, Lois and Smitty?
Big Bear.
Now, on to the business at hand.
Anderson, do you take this woman
to be your wife?
Do you?
Anderson?
Sorry. I don't.
Vanessa, when I met you,
I thought you were perfect.
And you are. I mean... I mean, look at you.
But then I met Katie,
and she's perfect for me.
I'm sorry. Are you... You're heartbroken.
Anderson, I want you to meet somebody.
You remember Morty, right?
"Shooter, shooter. We got a shooter."
He killed himself after I died.
Isn't that so romantic?
I couldn't live without her, dude.
I know, we just met. But she's the one.
Know what I mean?
Yeah, I think I do.
Listen, babe, we gotta blow.
I'll be in the Humvee.
Bye.
Do you want to get back
to your wedding now, son?
I do.
Son, you've got to wait
until you say "I do."
Son?
I do. I do. I do.
You got a ring? Because if you don't,
we have some splendid ones
in the gift shop for $19.95.
No. No, no, no. I have a ring.
I have another ring.
Remember this?
By the power vested in me,
I pronounce you husband and wife.
Everybody's gonna love today
Gonna love today
gonna love today
Everybody's gonna love today
Gonna love today
Anyway you want to
Anyway you've got to
Love, love me
Love, love me
Love, love me
Love, love me
All right, freeze!
I LoJacked your ass.
That's him right there!
Arrest him! Arrest him!
- Arrest him!
- All right. Hey!
That is my ear, my friend.
Sorry.
How would you like it if I did that to you?
- I said I'm sorry.
- All righty.
On a personal note,
I understand we have
some newlyweds here.
Yes. Yes, sir. That's...
I'd like to offer the congratulations
of myself and the whole team.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.
- That's nice.
- It is.
- That's cool.
We didn't know
where you were registered.
Oh, wow.
It's a blender.
I had some help picking it out.
William?
I realized something today, Katie.
No matter how hard you try
to plan your life,
life has a plan for you all its own.
Good luck.
- Thank you, guys.
- Guys, thank you.
Why is he hugging the cop?
Okay, guys, now.
- Very nice.
- No, seriously, why is he hugging the cop?
All right.
On a professional note,
y'all are under arrest.
Right. Just...
Considering we might not all be
together again for quite some time,
Katie and I were hoping to get a picture
before we all go off to the big house.
- What a great idea.
- The big house.
- You want me to do it?
- Would you?
- All right.
- Oh, come on!
Hey! You know, you are walking
on thin ice here, my friend!
You are on very thin ice!
Let me see it.
Don't forget to push the button
for the flash.
Get in here, you guys.
Could you
all just scooch in a little?
One,
two,
three.
I love love
I love being in love
I don't care
what it does to me
Take these tattered boxes
that used to hold your clothes
Break them down
Build them back up with your bones
We swore we'd never
take pictures
Pictures only prove
you can't convince
Well well well
If fingertips
are relationships
Don't use this one
to point the blame
Just sing sing
I love love
I love being in love
We'll take our chances
We'll last a month
You're dressed
to have a good time
You don't need him
You need to be seen
I don't care
what it does to me
To be the new statistic
How I love
How I love
How I love being in love
All you did
was construct a mess
You're dead to me
if love is death
You're a memory
with nothing to show
Well well well
If fingertips are
relationships then
Maybe I could use a break
She smiles
She points at me, she says
"Baby I love how you sing"
So just sing
I love love
I love being in love
I don't care
what it does to me
I love love
I love being in love
I don't care
what it does to me
These pills are fine
to pass the time
Till I find my new drug
We'll take our chances
We'll rise above
We'll last until the end
I love how, I love how
I love being in love
Just me and my puppy
Together we're
so very happy
And the bitter world
won't bring us down
No, I'm looking on
the bright side of things
It's just me and my honey
Together we are
so very funny
And the bitter world
won't bring us down
No, I'm looking on
the bright side of things
And nothing will be
taken from my hands now
Within me
Resistance from me
Nothing can last
How can I pass
On love and understanding
Oh oh oh oh
It's just me and my guitar
Together we'll go
so very far
And the bitter world
won't bring us down
No, I'm looking on
the bright side of things
Here we go now
And nothing will be
taken from my hands now
Within me
A resistance from me
Nothing can last
How can I pass
On love and understanding
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
It's just me
and the town
Together we will
be the champs
And the bitter world
won't bring us down
No, I'm looking on
the bright side of things
I'm looking on
the bright side of things
I'm looking on
the bright side of things