Lookie here.
My day is made.
I didn't even finish breakfast
and I get to kill me a stinkin' Injun.
Injun?
Nah.
I just dress like this so's I don't get
scalped out on the prairie.
Oh, well, that's a convincing outfit.
Yeah, you can't be too safe out there...
with all of them savages runnin' around.
So, what can I do you for?
Need some flour.
Five sacks.
And a carrot with peanut butter on it.
Now, what's that gonna run me?
Well, sack of flour's 45 cents.
So, five sacks...
is 40...
Wanna get back to me on that?
Yeah, look...
Now, the flour's in the basement.
You can fetch it yourself.
Much obliged.
Well, lookie what we got here.
Sweet piece of red prairie meat
out all by her lonesome.
- What do you make of that, Nelly?
- Oh, I think she's waiting on you, Will.
Go on, get on it.
It's on now.
Yeah.
Go get her, Will.
Oh, oh, oh.
Here we go.
Now, you must be wondering why five badass
hombres with perfect jawlines...
all sport the same stylish eye patch.
Not my business.
We all carved our eyeballs
out our skull
to show how devoted
we are to this gang.
We the Left-Eye Boys!
Yeah!
Hey!
You got real pretty eyes, miss.
You reckon we can,
I don't know, borrow one?
Can we borrow one?
Now, is that a proper question
to ask a lady?
Who are you, slick?
The boyfriend?
Soon to be the husband.
Oh, wait a minute!
That's a white boy under that getup.
That's a white boy? Oh, shit.
You partial to pale faces, Poca-hot-tits?
Huh?
'Cause I can show you
what a real white man's like.
- Yeah, show her, Will. Yeah, go on.
- Yeah, shuffle up, Will.
- Dance now, boy.
- Shuffle on over.
- There you go.
- That's some white boy shit right there.
Now, I do want to carve my eyes out.
- What'd you say?
- Hey, fellers...
I'd hit the trail before you get hurt.
Before we get hurt?
Before we get hurt.
I think you've been smokin' too much
of that peace pipe, kemo-slobby.
Now, from what I see, there's one of you,
and there's five of us.
Four of you.
What just happened?
You wanna see it again?
Uh... yes.
- I don't like this shit.
- Shut up.
Well, that's some, uh...
real fancy footwork.
But I think this hullabaloo has escalated
to the firearms stage.
Boys, let's ventilate this.
What the shit that just happened?
What the hell?
What in the hell?
"Hit the trail. "
It was so simple.
You must stop doing this, White Knife.
One day, there will be too many.
But not today, Smoking Fox.
Please, my love...
we must go.
What the hell
happened out here?
Injuns.
They went that way.
You ain't no white man.
You're that orphan, White Knife.
Raised like an animal with those Apaches.
You think you can fool ol' Clem?
Sorry, Ringo.
Well, now I'm gonna shoot you
and your Injun whore.
Gotta cut breakfast short.
You suck, mister!
You suck!
What are you?
Yes, White Knife.
Go, White Knife.
Yay!
You lucky, Smoking Fox.
White Knife all man.
Bravest of all braves.
Not brave. Foolish.
I want to be wife, not widow.
Afternoon, ladies.
This is Apache land.
I'm not here to take your land, Chief.
I'm just looking for a particular boy.
I'm Frank Stockburn.
This boy's mother was my wife.
And the boy, Tommy...
he's my son.
It is wise to be slow to trust,
White Knife.
But every new journey begins
with a single step.
Speak with your father.
But you are my father,
Screaming Eagle.
Ever since my mother...
Ever since you found me...
you taught me to hunt,
to fight...
when to speak and when to be silent.
- To be a man.
- A good man.
And this Frank Stockburn,
he is filled with lies,
just like every other white man.
Sometimes, the white man speaks the truth.
Like, one in 20, 25 times.
I believe this is one of those times.
He knew your mother, White Knife.
Maybe he can give you some peace.
Talk to him.
Maybe after I close my eyes to dream.
Mommy!
Oh, no.
One look at me, and you knew your old man
had done a lot of bad things, didn't ya?
I cheated men, I killed men...
So I deserve whatever's comin' to me.
The only one that ever saw any good in me
was your mother.
Oh!
Why have you come here?
Not a man for chitchat, huh?
Well, me neither.
Kid, I'm dying...
of consumption.
Don't worry...
I'm not looking
for no big father-son hoo-ah.
"I love you, son. "
"I love you too, Daddy. "
No.
I've come for a more tangible reason.
Tommy, I've been stealing from folks
since I was nine years old...
and that's the way I've amassed
a good little fortune.
I wanna do something
decent with it.
I want to give it to you, son.
I don't want your money.
But maybe you could give...
$50,000 to these nice Injuns
who raised you.
We'll take it.
Go back to bed.
Sorry.
Seriously, though,
we'll take it.
Look, it's buried in the meadow
just up the trail,
next to a big ol' pine tree.
What do you say
we go dig it up in the morning
and start playing Santa Claus?
I don't remember much about my mother...
but I do remember her telling me...
you were dead.
Maybe it was because...
she didn't want
you to come looking for me.
She was a smart lady.
Only stupid thing she ever did
was fall for me.
Meeting Betty Dunson...
was the luckiest thing
that ever happened to me.
From the first day I laid eyes on her...
she was bawlin' out this...
half-drunk, big ol' burly blacksmith...
down at Silver Canyon.
She's been the only one, Tommy.
Mom had a temper?
Temper?
When she got her dander up, look out.
We was in a saloon once.
This fellow sitting next to her
starts talking about the perfect way
to make a cherry pie...
So your mom says to me,
"Frank, come here a minute.
Tell me again,
just where did you get them flowers?"
I said, "I know that you think
I stole them from the graveyard. "
Good morning, boys.
Morning, Never Wears Bra.
I had dream about you last night,
White Knife.
Oh, that's nice.
Not nice dream.
In dream, you naughty.
You naughty, White Knife.
Mmm, somebody's got an admirer.
Yes, yes.
But like you,
there's only one woman for me.
I guess we Stockburns are...
partial to the sweet ones.
Yes, sir.
Like your mother.
How did she die, Tommy?
You tell me?
Well, there were these big kids at school
fixin' to beat me up.
Instead of facing them myself,
I had her walk me there.
This feller comes out of nowhere...
walks right up to her and shoots her dead.
So that's how she died,
protecting her gutless son
instead of being home,
safe where she belonged.
Who's that?
Is that Bony Express?
Bony Express
don't come around here.
Giddyap!
He's here somewhere, boys.
Let's burn him out!
Oh...
Next one goes through your forehead.
Hey, hey!
No need to burn nothing, boys!
Howdy, boss.
Cicero...
you're not gonna let a man
enjoy his retirement, are ya?
No, Frank, I salute your decision
to turn from your sinful ways.
But the money...
that belongs to all of us.
Touch that steel, boy,
I got plenty of bullets left over
after I put one in...
your father.
Oh, you finally found your long lost son.
Well, I sure hate to break up
this nice family reunion.
So, why don't you give us
the money you stole
before I put lead in your head.
The money's buried.
Way to run your mouth, son.
It's buried?
Yeah, I buried it.
Deep in the ground...
next to a windmill.
A windmill in the West...
doesn't narrow it down much, Frank.
Well, this is a special windmill.
It's a singing windmill.
A singing windmill!
It's about a ten-day ride from here.
I'll lead you to it presently
on one condition.
You don't hurt my boy...
or any of these kindly Injuns here.
Let's ride, Frank.
Frank, if that $50,000
isn't under that windmill,
I'm gonna bury you up to your neck
and let the desert critters eat you alive.
It's there, Cicero, it's there.
I'm glad I got to meet Betty Dunson's son.
You just stay here, Tommy.
Enjoy your life
with your beautiful bride...
amongst these majestic pine trees.
Let's go!
Well, that was uncool.
White Knife, you must rest.
How can I rest?
When they get to the singing windmill
and find no money, they will kill him.
My son, there are too many trees
and too little time.
Then I must get this $50,000 another way.
How? By stealing?
There is no honor in that.
Unless I steal from those
who have no honor.
Ooh... I like that.
But it is too dangerous.
I will send ten of our
strongest braves with you.
No.
The braves would be treated too cruelly
in the white man's world.
A lot of them can pass for pale face.
Raging Bear can actually do
a great impression of a white guy.
Hey, guys, let's play with our chest hair
and eat potato chips.
Wasn't that great?
Where does he come up with this stuff?
That's very good, Bear,
but I must walk this path alone.
My love...
I will get this money...
bring it to the singing windmill,
and be back in time for our wedding.
I won't let you go.
Those men are killers.
I was a coward once
and my mother paid the price.
That will not happen to my father.
Whoa!
Good morning.
Where in the hell did you come from?
I'm in a bit of a bind, boys.
I rode all the way out here
to pan for gold
and my horse up and died on me.
How'd he die?
Suicide.
Drowned himself.
Put his head in the stream
and just kept it there.
Saddest thing you ever seen.
It happens.
Powers that be don't like to admit it,
but it happens.
He looks like an honest white guy.
Hop on.
Much obliged.
Just drop me off
at the nearest town.
Ladies and gentlemen,
gather around.
Hear the wondrous effects
of Dr. Chubb's Vita Oil,
the miracle cure for 1001 ailments.
Put the pep back in your...
Who's this asshole?
Well, now, look at this fella,
drinking from the horse trough.
Excuse me.
You there!
What you're doing is disgusting.
That water is for our filthy horses.
Water flows from the sky spirit
for all its children.
Isn't that right, cousin?
We don't cotton to that peyote-smoking
nonsense around these parts.
Do you hear me, "cousin"?
Okay, William, come on back.
Hey, amigo.
You planning on staying in town?
Might need a place
to lay my head for a bit.
Sorry about that ugly man
that insulted you.
He runs the bank, so he thinks
he's entitled to be mean to everyone.
There's a bank in this town?
Why? You wanna rob it?
I look like a bank robber to you, ma'am?
Funny, there's something about you that
reminds me of a certain bank robber.
His name was Frank Stockburn.
You know Frank Stockburn?
"Know"? Like, in the biblical sense?
No, ma'am.
You've met him before is what I'm asking.
Yes, I met him.
Then, 20 minutes later,
I knew him in the biblical sense
on that bed, right there.
Oh.
And, I knew him, in the biblical sense,
twice on this railing.
Uh-huh.
And then, while doing a handstand
on that dresser you're leaning against.
Did he happen to mention
a singing windmill?
He did mention a singing windmill.
He said it sounded like a choir of angels.
Where'd he say it was?
He said that it was in a place
where he made his biggest score.
Whatever that was.
And then he laughed.
He liked to laugh...
and have handstand sex.
Yeah, we gotta get past that.
I miss him.
But he did leave me something
to remember him by.
What's this?
A nio, Ramon.
I have a brother?
Oh, Burro, we had many adventures
together, you and me.
We're not getting any younger.
At least we have our memories.
Remember the two girls,
the sisters, in Deadwood?
You liked the fat one.
You know it's true.
Ramon Lopez?
S.
I just came from conversating
with your mother, Esmerelda.
We stumbled upon the fact that
your dad and my dad...
are the same fella.
Oh, that's neat.
Yeah.
Same father.
Half-brothers.
What do you think about that, Burro?
So, how is Dad?
Well, he went and got himself kidnapped,
and I need to come up with $50,000
to save his life.
That's a lot of pesos.
Sure is.
That's why I'm fixin'
to rob the bank here in town.
Hang on.
My father is in trouble.
My brother, he needs my help.
I'll rob the bank with you.
I must do this alone.
What's happening right now?
Ever since I'm pequeo,
I dream about spending
one magical day with mi padre,
sharing meals,
introducing him to the burro.
I will not let go of you
until you say I can help you.
Will you stop brushing me
if I say yes?
Yes.
Then you can help.
That means he likes you.
That's a good amount of money
you want us to lend you.
Now, normally, we would require
two forms of identification, madam,
but that won't be necessary in your case.
I feel kinda guilty about this, Burro,
taking money from nice people.
I mean, it's not like
you're some greasy Mexican.
I feel less guilty now.
What are you doing?
This is a bank!
Get that donkey out of here!
It is a burro, seor.
I don't care, "seor. "
Get it out!
All right.
Vmonos.
The burro don't want to vmonos.
Well, I don't really care
what the burro wants.
Get out of my bank, you beast!
I know what you're thinking,
but not yet.
Hold it.
Move!
How is this jackass stuck?
If it got in here,
it can certainly get out!
It doesn't make sense,
it's not logical.
They got it locked up good,
do they?
Oh! You are leaving!
Gall dang,
he felled on his pooper!
- That makes no sense!
- I apologize.
- I don't know how many times I could...
- Hey, friend.
Need any help gettin' her out?
She's not
really stuck, amigo.
She's just a diversion.
She's a virgin?
I'm a virgin, too...
unless you count canty-loupes.
I believe that,
but she's a diversion
to keep the banker busy
so that my brother has time
to rob the bank.
You're robbin' the bank?
- Gall dang!
- Shh, shh.
Gall dang.
Gall dang. Gall dang.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
No! Virgil! Virgil, the key!
I'm Lil Pete.
So, is your father, like, Big Pete?
I didn't know my pa.
But he was a bank robber like y'all!
His name was Frank.
- Stockburn?
- How'd you know?
Are you a wizard?
Hey, Johnny Law.
We'll be waiting for you
up at Jawbone Falls.
Frank Stockburn.
What?
Robbery!
We're being burgled!
You! Horse-water-drinker!
You are caught, sir!
Oh!
What are you?
Hey, Tommy, guess what?
We got ourselves a little brother.
Yeah! All our moms got porked
by the same outlaw.
- Ain't that a pip?
- Yeah, that's something.
Hey! Those bandidos just robbed the bank!
Taste my bullets,
you dirty foreigners!
Now!
- Nice one, Burro.
- Wow!
- There they are!
- We better make tracks.
Can I come with?
I got a wagon.
All right, that ain't a bad idea,
let's go.
Vmonos. Come on!
So, if you guys are
my brothers,
you must got three nipples, too.
I only got two.
Yeah, just got the two.
Oh, must be
from my mama's side.
Forget I tolded you that, okay?
Will do.
Are you ready, Clem?
Yep, yep. I'm... I'm ready.
Spoon.
Damn sharp.
Look, fellas, I wanna hunt
this white Injun down same as you.
But, uh... I...
I have some problems with my eyes.
You wanna join the Left-Eye Gang,
that right eye has gotta come out.
It'll only hurt for a second.
Yeah, like a hundred seconds.
- Then you're one of us.
- For life.
Okay, that makes sense.
Is it okay if I scoop this left eye out?
This is... I'm basically blind here.
This right one sees like an eagle.
Yeah, it just seems
like a waste that I'd...
I understand your predicament,
but rules is rules.
Yeah, guess it... makes sense.
Oh, God!
Hell, no!
That ain't right!
Damn!
It's half way.
- It's dangling by a vein!
- Whoo! Oh, man!
It's crazy,
I can still see out of it!
- Goddamn, it hurts!
- I think I'm gonna puke.
It's just going round and round like
a tassel on a stripper's titty!
Okay, gotta get it, gotta get it!
I'm getting dizzy!
Got it, got it, got it!
Yeah!
Ah!
Oh, Lord! Holy shit.
You done it, partner.
Welcome to the Left-Eye Gang.
Whoo!
I did it!
I'm glad that's done.
Let's just go get that
Injun-loving son of a bitch, huh?
Yeah.
- Yeah! Let's get him.
- Yeah.
Like, so...
Oh, I touched the hole.
I touched the hole!
Got me a patch!
Dear Mama,
you may be wondering
why I have not returned
from my trip to the ice cream store.
It's because I met my brothers,
Ramon and Tommy.
And we're trying to steal money.
We need the money
to give to the bad men
who took Pa away
to the land of the singing windmill.
Tommy says it's not okay
to take money from decent folks.
I got the money!
Luckily, there's a lot of bad people
here in the West.
Yee-haw!
Let's ride!
Eat it! You know you like it.
You know you like it.
Good God!
Good burro!
That's right.
Enjoy it!
- That's just wrong.
- Yeah, yeah.
Is it?
This is so much better
than the cantaloupe.
Good burro!
Slowly, but surely,
we're chippin' away
at the $50,000 we need to save Pa.
That's a lot of money,
isn't it, Mama?
Mama?
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I'm writing you a letter.
Anyways, I can't wait
to actually meet my pa.
I want him to teach me
how you make babies.
And how the lady poops 'em out.
Be home quick as I can.
Your loving son, Lil Pete.
Tommy?
Yeah, Lil Pete?
Where's the singing windmill?
It's where dad made
his biggest score.
Maybe we'll get another clue
up at Jawbone Falls.
That's where he used to hide out
when he was an outlaw.
Oh, cool beans.
Tommy?
Yeah, Lil Pete?
If we get caught stealing...
would we be in trouble?
I reckon we'll hang.
Well... that's no bother.
I got a real strong neck.
Mama makes me pull the plow with my head
if I don't finish my schoolwork.
Which occurs regularity.
Strong neck might come in handy.
Okay, let's get our rest.
Good night, Tommy.
Good night, Lil Pete.
Good night, Ramon.
Good night, brothers.
Good night, Burro.
That's a dry one.
We will have good dry weather tomorrow.
Shoo, fly!
Shoo!
Oh, come on, fly, vmonos!
We need our sleep.
Let me take care of this.
How can you see a fly in the dark?
A true hunter sees
with all his senses.
That was some mystical shit, man.
Uh-oh.
I think you just nicked his biscuits off.
That's what I was aiming for.
He didn't deserve to die.
He deserved to know
he was not welcome here.
Raised by Indians, huh?
That had some impact on you.
Well, let me get this one.
Sounded like a horse fly.
That wasn't a horse fly,
that was my horse!
Peanut?
Oh, Peanut!
Oh, the burro's gonna be pissed.
You're doing bueno, Burro!
Don't be intimidated by the horse,
you're just as good as him.
I'm so hungry.
There's breakfast all around.
Nuts, berries, bark,
different kinds of mud.
I wish there were taco trees.
What's a taco?
They're the best.
Meat and cheese and tomatoes
in a crispy shell.
You'd love it, man.
Ooh, I want one.
I want 50.
Hate to put an end
to this fascinating conversation,
but we're here.
Jawbone Falls.
And there's a mansion next to it!
Should we just go in?
I reckon.
Hello?
Hola.
Well, this is cozy.
Hello?
Hold on!
Tommy!
Stop! Leave my brother alone!
No, no, no!
Simon says, "Stop!"
Don't hurt my brother!
- Stop!
- Huh?
Good thinking, Tommy.
All right.
Not for me, but good one, Tommy.
Settle, settle, watch it...
It's all right, it's all right...
We don't mean no harm.
- We're just looking for our dad.
- S.
Is this your place?
Whose place is it?
Your mother?
Oh, is she here right now?
Oh, she's dead.
I'm so sorry,
I'm sure she was a good woman.
She died three years ago?
Three months ago?
Oh, your mama has three nipples?
Huh?
Yeah, there's three of us.
- Three of us, s.
- Okay. Okay.
Claro, tres. S. S.
Whoo-hoo!
You and your mom were making
moonshine up here, huh?
Much obliged.
Gracias.
Making moonshine for Frank Stockburn?
You know Frank Stockburn?
He slept here?
With your mama?
Okay.
Your mama was an owl.
No, our dad made his mom
make owl noises.
Huh?
Yeah, that's right, friend.
We're your brothers.
Gall dang!
Okay.
- Down the hatch, boys!
- Salud. Salud.
What's your name, anyways?
H... R... M...
Squiggly line, asterisk.
How 'bout we just call you Herm?
Herm, so you know,
our dad was kidnapped
by some bad muchachos.
Yeah,
we need money to get him back.
So we're going to steal the money.
No, we're only stealing the money
from folks what are bad.
Hmm...
So do you know of any place where we could
steal a lot of money from some bad folks?
Mmm...
He's got something.
The Gold Nugget Saloon, huh?
I reckon you're coming with us?
Smoking Fox
so worried about White Knife.
We must get her to eat something.
Oh, we having a little picnic here, huh?
You have no right to be here!
This Apache land!
And what you gonna do about it,
beaver breath?
How he know my name?
That's really her name!
Yeah, I think you also could have
gone with "Face Like Witch. "
Or "Eats Like Pig. "
Or "Hit In Face With Diarrhea Stick. "
That's it? Nobody else?
Babyface? Stumbles?
Hey, boss! Look what I got here!
He ain't gonna be
happy about this.
Well, well, well.
Yep, used to be a prosperous town.
Then the gold mine dried up
and the train stopped stopping.
The saloon's the only place left that
still does a good business.
Open day and night since they built it.
Ain't even a lock on the front door.
It never closes.
They got a big ol' golden nugget
hanging above the fireplace.
Folks come from all over
just to take a look.
They say it's worth about $20,000, easy.
All right.
I'm surprised no one's ever tried
to stolen that nugget.
Oh, folks have tried.
If you go in there, you see their thumbs
hanging above the bar.
Smiley Harris, the owner,
bit them clean off.
So nobody messes with Smiley.
That sort of tickled.
What we got going over here, friend?
Just open your robe, please.
Ooh...
I have never seen that big of a rash...
or infection
or whatever this green bubble is.
Hmm.
All right.
Yeah.
Now, son, I would simply recommend
that you stop doing
whatever it is you've been doing,
with whoever...
or whatever you've been doing it with.
Yep, now they call him Smiley,
'cause even when committing
the most unspeakable atrocities,
a cheerful grin never leaves his face.
All right, just lift your tail
for me, please.
Now, he's why that nugget
has never been stolen.
And never will be stolen.
This'll prevent infection.
It tastes good, too.
This Smiley fella, sounds more like
a hooligan than a barkeep.
You're not far off.
Rumor has it that back in the old days
he used to run
with the Frank Stockburn Gang.
Lip balm?
I reckon I'm good.
? For breakfast
My baby bakes my biscuits?
? At lunchtime
She puts honey in my tea?
Come on, champ!
? For supper
She butters up my corn cob?
? And for dessert
She gives that pudding to me?
? My baby knows my eggs are over easy?
? She lets me cut her coffee
with my cream?
? I've got a hankering
for some cherry pie?
? My baby always licks the ladle clean?
That Smiley fellow,
he don't joke around.
Oh... I joke around...
but never when it comes to my business.
Welcome to the Gold Nugget, gentlemen.
Mr. Harris,
it's quite a nice spread you got here.
So what brings you gentlemen to town?
Actually, we wanted to ask you
about something, Mr. Harris.
Excuse me.
I am conversing with these gentlemen, sir.
I shall be with you in a moment.
I need to talk to you about
Frank Stockburn.
I haven't heard that name in many a year.
You know him.
Mr. Stockburn and I
were business partners.
I got a photograph.
You see, that there's him...
and that's you.
You rode in his gang.
To be precise...
it was our gang.
He went on to a criminal career
of some renown,
while I achieved great success
in the legitimate business world.
Please help me.
Sir, you are becoming a nuisance.
I just need to tell him what I've done.
I think he's had enough, boss.
Yes.
My apologies, gentlemen.
Not my favorite subject.
A round on the house.
And, Chico, if you ever
grab my arm like that again,
I'll put six bullets in your head.
That's quite a beating.
Hope you and your drink are okay.
Why do you want to meet
this Frank Stockburn so badly, huh?
Frank Stockburn's my father.
If Frank Stockburn is your father,
raise your hand.
Gall dang!
Chico's right.
Getting late, starting to thin out.
Can I tell you guys something?
Because I don't wanna have
no secrets between us.
Of course.
- Yeah, we're brothers.
- Yeah.
Now, I know Dad is a white man,
but my mother...
was actually black.
So that, technically,
makes me half-black.
Is that right?
Well, I didn't wanna hide that from you
in case you guys slipped up
and made some racial slurs
- not knowing I wasn't 100% white.
- Hmm.
I mean, I knew she must've
been really muscular,
but I had no idea she was black.
Yeah, I mean, I guess,
now that you mention it,
I see it a little bit.
My mother's Swedish.
I don't think so.
I reckon she's Mexican.
Lying bitch!
So do you new brothers
have any special skills
that could help us out here tonight?
Like what?
Like, you know,
Tommy's good with knives.
Lil Pete's got a bonus nipple.
I got a burro.
Herm is good at strangling.
- Huh?
- I can hold my breath for six minutes.
Well, I can play the piano with my dick.
Well, we're unstoppable then.
Anyways, any of you handsome brothers
ready to go steal a big hunk of gold?
- I'm ready.
- I'm hungry.
- I'm drunk.
- And I'm Lil Pete.
Let's get that nugget then.
Oh...
You've got some pair of huevos
coming into my place, son.
I sure am sorry
about what happened, Mr. Harris.
In fact, I'd like to buy you a drink...
of the good stuff,
if that's okay?
Barkeep, you got any scotch,
real scotch, from scotch-land?
We keep the imported stuff in the back.
I'll go and fetch it for you.
That's wonderful.
Now, I didn't hear that,
did you?
I did.
I don't know,
maybe I'm turned round.
I thought that, like,
tonight was gonna be Fajita Friday
or line dancing or something.
It just seems quiet, but y'all be good.
Stay warm.
- Hey, he's got the thumbs!
- They came with the pants!
Right on the rocks,
right on the rocks.
Oh, you're gaining on me!
You're gaining on me!
You don't even understand
what we're gonna do to...
Teach them not to mess
with the Stockburn brothers!
Smiley...
I'm watching you!
Who's that?
Ladies.
What's behind door number three?
Okay, ladies, take your clothes off
and start punching me in the face.
Sorry, carry on.
Hallelujah!
Smiley,
why don't you visit your grandma...
In hell!
Smiley.
You cannot
escape me, Smiley!
Give me my thumbs back.
It's too big, Lil Pete!
What's too big?
Uh... plan B's too big?
What the hell is plan B?
Let me show you.
Plan B!
Yeah, works better if you have knives.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Come on.
You can take 'em!
Come on!
I got the nugget! I got the nugget!
What do we do?
- He's shooting like a madman!
- Come on!
Big bullets! Big bullets!
Come on! Come on!
Next man who moves will die!
Who are you people?
We are the Stockburn brothers.
Frank's kids?
Well... this is interesting.
You know, the last time
I saw your father was in Utah.
Just rang up our biggest score.
But when we was dividing it up,
we started having trouble
with the arithmetic.
And somehow I ended up
abandoned beside a windmill,
knife stuck in my guts,
left to die like a dog.
Frank had taken it all.
But now, I get to take something.
The lives of his five ridiculous sons.
Don't forget about nmero seis!
Holy moly!
No! Hell, no!
He's giving himself
six bullets to the head!
And he's still smiling!
I was just trying to knock him out.
Well, you succeeded.
I don't think he's waking up
from that one.
You done a number on him, Ramon.
You did!
You did a number there.
- Yeah, you did!
- Hey! Hey!
Plan B was officially insane!
Here you are, Danny.
It's an old Apache remedy.
Clears your head after too much firewater.
You know everything, Tommy.
Where'd you learn all this stuff?
My father taught me.
Dad? I thought you just met him last week.
Not our father. Screaming Eagle.
He raised me since I was a kid.
He's the kindest...
wisest man I've ever known.
Wow...
must've been nice to have a dad.
Oh, yeah, someone to wrestle with
and teach you how
to cut up your panny-cakes.
Someone to give you advice
when you screwed up real, real bad.
Well, we do got a dad.
And we're gonna see him real soon.
Yeah... I can't wait.
Yeah.
? When I meet Dad
I must insist?
? On making up
for all the time we missed?
? We'll talk and drink?
? And he'll bounce me on his knee?
? Then we'll search hand in hand
for the taco tree?
? When I meet Dad
I'm gonna ask him why?
? Did he pork my mother
then say goodbye?
? We're gonna be just like
birds of a feather?
? Playing piano with our dicks together?
? When I meet Dad?
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? He'll take away my sad?
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? When I see Pa?
? I'm gonna scream, "Gall dang!"?
? You're the handsomest man
and you're really, really good?
? I love you, Pa
And I'm glad you're my pa?
? Why do I have three nipples??
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? When we meet Dad?
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? Why does he have three nipples??
Hit it, Herm!
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? It's fun to have brothers?
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? All from different mothers?
? Well, I had a dad
And now I have two?
? But one thing I never had
was a mother like you?
? She lost her life 'cause of me
and I miss her every day?
? Why, oh, why did that evil man?
? Take my mama away??
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? I think I'm gonna cry?
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? Quick, Herm, do the headless guy?
What the...
Okay, boys.
I'm gonna check this out.
The ball is in your hand,
twist the leg, then you let it go!
Now, let me see.
Ready, men?
No, no, no!
You're not listening to me, Hung Shin!
You have to be very precise.
Precise...
I say!
You there!
I have a proposition.
How would you men like to participate
in the birth of something extraordinary?
Well, we ain't got time for that,
but you can have your brown thing back.
What's so damnably important
that you need to miss
your rendezvous with history?
We gotta save our daddy,
Frank Stockburn.
Frank Stockburn, the outlaw?
- You know our dad?
- Without a doubt.
One of the best poker players
I've ever played against.
I played him in Ezekiel Grant's
annual Valentine's Day game down in Yuma.
Thousands of dollars on the table,
but Stockburn doesn't bat an eyelash.
He happen to mention anything
about what his biggest score was?
Over in Utah?
A guy named Smiley Harris?
I'll make you a deal.
Help me out a bit
and I'll tell you all I know.
Deal. Tommy Dunson.
Abner Doubleday.
Let's play ball.
Welcome, my friends, to the first ever
playing of a new sport.
A sport of my own devising.
On this field, two ten-person teams
will engage in a battle of...
Yes, Qi?
Only 18 people here.
Two nine-person teams will engage in
a battle of strength, speed, and strategy.
One team will go out onto
the field to play defense
while the other team
will take turns hitting this ball...
with a stickie.
What are you gonna call this game?
What else?
Stickie McSchnickens.
Now your goal, ball thrower,
is to get the ball past me two times
without my hitting it.
Fire when ready.
I didn't know you were going
to toss it quite so hard, ball thrower.
All right.
Okay, that's two past ya.
So you're done, right?
No, no, I said three times.
No, you said two.
I said three!
Three strikes and I'm out.
I know what I said, shortstop.
That's your new name.
Short Stop, that's right.
Now and forever.
Forever and ever!
Short Stop.
Short Stop, Short Stop.
Short Stop.
Yes, all right.
Strike three!
You're out!
No, no, the ball was... too low.
In order for it to count as a strike,
it has to pass through the...
strike zone.
- Strike zone?
- That's right.
And if you don't get the ball past me,
between my knees and my titties,
it's not a strike.
It's a non-strike.
And if you throw me four non-strikes,
I get an express ticket to first base
without my even hitting it.
Oh.
All right, are we ready?
That also gets me to first base...
as well.
Where you going?
Nobody hit it.
I stole the base.
You weren't looking, so I stole it.
You said you could only advance
after you hit the ball!
Not when you're stealing.
That's bullshit.
Okay, Short Stop.
He's moving!
Safe!
Gall dang, I don't know.
- That was a tie.
- Yes, and tie goes to the runner!
Why's that?
Because those are the rules
of Stickie McSchnickens, that's why.
All right, it's all mine,
I've got it!
No! No, you can't run.
You cannot run.
Infield fly rule... in full effect.
You're out.
- Here we go, Herm.
- Okay, Herm!
Yeah.
Oh!
Oh, I'm not getting that.
Yeah, bueno!
You can just run all the way home.
A home runner.
I need a cold drink.
Let's take a five-minute stretch
and then start the second half.
Mr. Doubleday, we're done.
But we've only played nine innings.
Nine innings is enough.
Tell us about Dad's biggest score.
Fine.
Your father and his gang knocked off
an entire cavalry regiment, 120 men,
five trunks filled with Yankee money.
Where'd that happen?
Up at Sweet Hog Rock...
100 miles due north.
You'll know it when you see it.
Well, fellas,
looks like we're going to Sweet Hog Rock
to find ourselves a singing windmill.
But we still need another 10,000 bucks.
I reckon we'll make a quick stop, then.
Before you go...
do you wanna line up and shake hands
and say "good game" to each other?
No.
Them boys were nice fellers.
Paid in cash.
Kept the profanity to a minimum.
And the Mexican brother knocked
this hard-ass' head off with a shovel?
Dang thing flew nearly 40 feet!
And still a-smilin'.
Oh! Man!
And hasn't stopped yet.
Oh, hell, no!
My man gluing on heads and shit!
Wish he'd glue the head back on my pecker.
What happened to your pecker?
I was part of another gang
before I joined up with y'all.
Texas Stubbies.
Okay,
never mind all that. Okay?
Now, Doc, you know which way
them there Ridiculous 6 rode off to?
We're traveling
with a friend of theirs who, uh...
will be real excited to see them.
Well, they headed up north
to the Turquoise Trail.
I can show you on the map over here.
Looking forward to seeing
your man beg for his life?
'Cause that's what's gonna happen,
Smoking Fox.
Chicken pox!
We're gaining on his
Injun-loving ass every day.
He messed with the Left-Eye Gang!
He's gonna be like,
"Wait, how did you find me, and where...
How did you get my girl?"
And then old Dumb Knife's gonna realize
that he's in way over his head.
See, when George Washington
invented America...
Excuse me, Sheriff.
Is there a church in this town?
This is Rattler's Gulch, you halfwit.
The meanest, crookedest,
most hellacious town in the West.
We don't need no preacher telling us
what we can and cannot do.
So it's all right
if I do this to your wife?
I can't wait to see all you nice people
when I'm dangling!
You sick bastard.
Get this over with.
You're in for a real treat today.
This is gonna be so much fun.
I'm just messing with y'all.
I'm fine!
I call this one Fish Out of Water.
? He flies through the air
with the greatest of ease?
? That daring young man
on the flying trapeze?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Herm, put the hookers back.
Come on!
Yeah, you can't catch me!
He ain't dying, Billy!
He's making a fool of you!
Whoo-hoo!
All right, that's it!
We'll shoot the son of a bitch!
On my command!
Ready...
Aim...
Fire!
Wind took him, Tommy.
Came damn close.
I'm okay!
Come on, Billy!
Get him!
We did it!
I told ya
I got a strong neck!
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? Won't be so sad?
? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?
? We're gonna save Dad?
We still gotta get to Sweet Hog Rock
before they do.
Gotta find that singing windmill,
so it ain't over yet.
We got the money!
- The Ridiculous 6 got all the money!
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Tommy! Tommy! What's Dad like?
Is he funny?
Yeah, is he a good listener?
Is he strong?
All great questions.
I'll tell you this.
I think you guys are gonna love him.
But I'm sure he's gonna love you guys.
So sorry to interrupt
such a tender moment.
Looks like we stumbled
on bath day, boys!
I heard you picked up some brothers
along the way, tough guy.
But I don't see no resemblance.
I do, they all look like my butthole.
So guess what time it is, boys?
Payback time!
Any last words,
No Knife?
I told ya I could hold my breath good.
Yeah, Danny boy!
What are you doing, man?
We gotta go!
- Oh, jackpot, boys!
- No!
- That's ours!
- Hyah!
Rusty!
Rusty, no, come back!
No.
How are we gonna save him?
We're startin' all over.
Is there any more good places
we can rob?
You know like a burro-grooming place
or a shoe store for burros?
Half the lawmen in the West
are already looking for us.
So what?
Look, we can't stop.
They're going to kill him!
Ain't no difference.
He's dying anyways.
Dad's sick.
I'm sorry I didn't tell y'all.
There's a good chance
he's dead already.
But there's a chance he's not.
You got to meet him, Tommy.
The rest of us...
Even if it was just for five minutes,
it'd be worth it.
If I don't talk to Dad, I'll die with this
dirty secret burnin' a hole in my guts.
Danito, whatever it is you did,
you have to forgive yourself, man.
You wouldn't say that if you know
what I done.
- Everybody's got secrets, Danny.
- Yeah.
You guys are the first people
I told I was black.
You know how good that made me feel?
We're your brothers.
You can tell us anything.
I, uh...
I used to work
for the President of the United States.
I was his personal bodyguard.
One of the best.
Till one night...
Mr. President, say, I'm gonna go
hit the little boys' room.
Are you shitting me?
Come on!
You'll be fine, superstar.
Can I get ya something on the way back?
Agua? Brewski?
No!
Mrs. Lincoln, how about one of them
big pretzels or a little pillow?
I hear this play's kind of a long one.
All right, fair enough.
I'll be back in two.
Where's the president's box?
- John Wilkes Booth, the actor?
- Yeah.
No way, man! Big fan!
- You wanna say hi to the president?
- Yeah.
He'd get a real kick out of that.
Last door on the left.
- Thank you.
- Really cool.
Wow! Love that guy!
-
Abe!
How can you go on living your life
knowing you harmed so many people?
That's what I wanna ask Dad.
Hey, you ain't the one
who pulled that trigger.
But if Dad's gotta be
the one who tells you that...
then let's go get that money.
I just wish I knew how.
Herm's got an idea.
He just can't express it.
I just wish somebody here
could speak Herm.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.
That's when Ezekiel Grant has his annual
high-stakes poker game.
There'll be oodles of money there.
Oodles, I say.
Ooh.
- I don't know. That sounds risky.
- What's risky?
He's suggesting we...
knock off Ezekiel Grant's poker game.
It's in Yuma tomorrow night.
Yuma's less than a day's walk from here.
That poker game, there's practically
gonna be an army protectin' it.
If Tommy says we can beat 'em,
I'll believe him.
We all will.
We can beat 'em...
for Dad.
For Dad!
I hope you like the gift I'm giving you
for Valentine's Day, Ezekiel.
I'll give you a hint.
One-hour massage, no charge.
Oh, Susannah.
You know what gift I'd really love?
If you would just shut up!
Nothing ruins a good poker game more...
than a lady jabbering on and on...
How romantic.
- Hello!
- Hello!
Well, General Custer!
Yes, at your service.
Mr. Mark Twain.
- Word up!
- Gentlemen, do come in.
Yo, Zeke, big boy, I was just going off
to the General here about my new book.
- It's a sequel to Tom Sawyer.
- Ooh.
It's about Sawyer's home slice,
Huckleberry Finn.
White boy goes raftin' with a brother.
People gonna lose their shit!
And, General Custer, I see you've let
your dashing blond hair grow out.
Well, yes, the barber down at
the regiment is just awful,
so I had two choices,
either let it grow or get scalped.
And I ain't gonna let that happen.
Now, will our old friend
from Tombstone be joining us?
Late as usual.
But we have a new player,
a wealthy Mexican coffee bean rancher.
Am I tardy-o?
Oh. Sneaky little Mexican.
May I present Don Don Diego.
We run a gentleman's game here, Mr. Diego.
Your, uh, two bodyguards
are completely unnecessary.
Bodyguards?
You're mistaken, General.
This is, um...
Chimichanga... my loyal manservant.
God bless you.
And, um...
Blanco Beardio.
He'll be providing the entertainment
for this afternoon's festivities.
Well, drop me a beat.
Okay.
All right.
Here we go now.
Gentlemen, the buy-in is $15,000.
Fifteen large?
Are you sure General Custard
can swing that?
It's Custer, not "Custard. "
There is no "D." I'm not a dessert.
Boom, I just dropped some satire
on your ass, General!
You got me!
Hey! Now, when Ramon gives
the signal that the time is right,
that's when we move in.
You remember the signal, right?
- Gentlemen.
- You know where to go, Marshal.
Oh, hell, no!
That's Wyatt Earp!
The fastest gun in the West?
All right, all right, all right!
- Oh, Wyatt Earp, as I live and breathe!
- Wyatt Earp.
You're here!
Wyatt Earp.
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
But apparently, there's some new gang
out there robbing everybody blind.
Oh, they call themselves
the Ridiculous 6.
I swear, a man can't ride
five miles in this territory
without running into outlaws,
rattlesnakes, Injuns and...
Hey! Why don't you let me
worry about the Injuns?
Will do, General.
What's shakin', Twain?
Hey, I'm good on anything.
Just like gravy, baby.
- Good to see you, my man.
- You too, man.
Hey! I finally read Prince and the Pauper.
Oh, is that right?
Didn't get it.
For reals?
Satire! Boom! I got ya!
- I'm just pulling your leg.
- Oh, man.
I can't read.
Good one with the... satire.
Funny.
Who's this idiot?
Um... I am Don...
Don Don Diego.
Well, Don, I'm Wyatt...
Wyatt Wyatt Earp.
Got him.
Now let's play
some cards!
? Say, say Tom Sawyer?
? Tom Sawyer?
? Say Tom Sawyer?
? Tom Sawyer?
? Say the blacks and the whites
are getting along?
? The blacks and the whites
are getting along?
? I can't read?
? I can't read?
Please calm yourself!
Let's get inside before this Wyatt Earp
ruins our plan.
But there's no way for you to sneak
past them guys, Tommy.
There's no rocks, no trees,
no nothing to hide behind.
No need to hide, brother,
when you are friends with the wind.
I'm telling you, down there,
they don't call it "Mexico. "
It's "Mehico. " The "X" is an "H."
I'm presuming Texas is "Tehas. "
Now, what's this?
Just a tumbleweed,
you jumpy bastard.
That is some mystical shit.
I wish to move the dresser
in my bedroom closer to the window,
but I haven't the strength
to do it myself.
I'd love to help, ma'am, but I really
should keep playing the piano.
No one will even know you're gone.
- Gentlemen, cough up your buy-ins.
- All right!
Make it rain like Twain.
Take that and that.
Yeah!
Sure is some good hooch there, Zeke.
Where'd you find that?
Oh, I got that from a case
about, uh, 20 years ago.
In fact, uh, you know that shack
up by Jawbone Falls?
- Yeah.
- There was a lady living there.
It was one of Frank Stockburn's
many paramours.
Now this was one of the ugliest ladies
I've ever seen in my life.
Sounds like a real bucket of turds.
But she was a very talented
distiller of alcohol.
So, while she...
While she's loading up my coach,
her young boy comes out,
this big shambling oaf,
mute, filthy as a hog,
and he starts doing
this horrible little tap dance
whilst singing "The Star-Spangled Banner. "
Well, not singing it, really,
but grunting it, like a caveman!
? Oh, say can you see?
You know,
he wants me to throw him some pennies,
so I fished a coin out of my pocket
and I guess I don't know my own strength.
I tossed it, hit him in the mouth,
and knocked his tooth out!
What an asshole!
Mama.
In any event, I still have
one bottle left from that case.
I'll go fetch it and we can drink a toast
to that awful woman and her hideous son.
Oh, she was ugly!
You wouldn't even sleep with her.
Say, Don Don Diego...
where's your buy-in?
I thought it was 15 grand a man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Uh...
Let's see. Ah!
It's you!
Uh-huh.
What?
What "what"?
What are you so surprised about?
Just so surprised at all the...
the fun that we're having here,
with the card and the money
and the booze and...
You know, I make that same face when
I put my cologne on in the morning,
especially when I'm home alone.
You know what I think?
I think Don Don Diego isn't really
a coffee bean rancher at all.
And his true purpose here is to rob us.
Don't make me kill you, Mr. Earp.
Hands up high.
Oh, snap!
You got the drop on Wyatt Earp?
It's mi hermano.
He's one bad hombre.
No disrespect, fellas.
We're gonna have to tie you up,
and we'll have to borrow your horses.
Ooh, what'd I miss?
Sweet Hog Rock,
here we come!
Giddy up, Burro.
Come on, Ramon!
Right behind you, Tommy!
Hurry up, Burro!
Move your ass!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
Yeah, I think we found it.
That is one sweet hog right there.
That is a sweet, majestic hog.
Yeah, that's a sweet one for sure.
It's all right.
I'm confused.
I don't see a hog or a pig anywhere.
All I see is the big old rock
that looks like a weenie pee-pee.
- Oh, you guys call a pee-pee a "hog. "
- Yeah.
- That's weird. I like it, though.
- Yeah. Okay.
Problem is, I don't see
no singing windmill anywhere.
Wait...
I hear it.
Yeah, it's coming from over there.
Ah! Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy!
Huh?
Whoa...
We're saved! We're saved!
Oh, it's just these assholes.
What the hell happened to you guys?
We was headed west to Frisco
after we absconded with your loot.
But we ran into these real bad characters.
It was Cicero something
and his crazy-ass gang.
Cicero was here?
Then he left?
He left us in the dirt for fun.
Ow! Ow, ow!
Who does that?
Sicko!
If this is where the singing windmill is,
then why would they just up and leave?
Maybe that Stickie McSchnickens guy
was just pulling our leg.
They went north...
about two hours ago.
Oh, yeah! Tommy can track 'em.
Let's saddle up.
We're burning daylight.
Wait!
You can't just leave us here,
you gotta get us out!
You don't need to... Hey, hey, hey!
We still got the money!
Yeah, I hid it in my pants.
We'll give it back to ya!
We don't need no more.
Let's go!
Hey! Can you at least
help me pick these ants
out of my beard before you head out?
Please?
Tell you what,
we'll dig you up on one condition.
You say it, we'll do it!
That you give up your lives of crime
and take this second chance to start
doing good by people.
- I'd rather die!
- Hell, no! I ain't doing that!
No way! Dumb Indian half!
That was a joke!
That was a joke!
I'll be a good boy!
I'll be a good boy, Daddy!
Now what?
East or west?
Whoa.
Late in the day.
Lot of traffic been going through here.
It's going to take a minute.
Well, we must be getting mighty close.
They'd better be treating Dad well,
or they're gonna have to answer to us.
There he is.
There's the man himself.
- Look at that handsome hombre.
- Yeah.
That's where we get our good looks.
Let me see ol' Pop.
Does he still
look like that, Tommy?
Tommy?
Yeah, he does.
Let's set up camp tonight.
Right out there.
But we can't waste any time.
Chico... I can't figure it out right now.
I gotta...
Just give me till sunrise.
Let me think.
Dear brothers,
by the time you read this,
I will have caught up with Dad.
And I'm sure you're sore at me
for sneaking out on you.
But this fellow, Cicero, who took Pa,
also took my mother's life,
and I mean to make him pay for that.
Things might get messy.
I can live
with all the bad stuff we've done,
the hold-ups, the burglaries,
the accidental decapitation,
but I couldn't live with myself
if something happened to one of you.
So stay put and I'll be back with Dad
as soon as I can.
And if I don't come back,
know that I love you boys
with all my heart.
Your brother, Tommy.
Whoa.
Down at Silver Canyon...
Meeting Betty Dunson...
was the luckiest thing
that ever happened to me.
Mom was his biggest score.
Hyah.
Here we are.
We'd better not have come
all this way for nothing.
- I want the money, Frank.
- I know what you want.
There's your money.
Count it.
Tommy!
Oh, look who showed up.
I didn't know if somebody
dug up what you buried, Pa,
so I wanted to make sure
you were covered either way.
Thank you, son.
Well, ain't that a good boy.
That's my boy.
Well, it's been a pleasure, Frank.
But, uh...
we'll be on our way.
Not so fast.
You and me got some unfinished business.
No, our business is done.
Pa... you remember how I told you Ma died?
Yeah.
Well, the son of a bitch who shot her...
had a tattoo on his hand...
just like Cicero here.
What, you mean...
my little horseshoe?
That's always brought me luck.
Especially when I was shooting somebody.
Well, killer, your luck just ran out.
Your hand touch that knife, boy,
it'll be the last thing you ever touch.
Oh, I ain't using these knives.
No.
Not for my mama.
I saved a special one just for you.
Now you die, Injun-lover.
He dies, you die.
Fourteen of us, six of you.
Doesn't seem quite fair, does it?
Make that twelve of us.
Twelve of us!
I ain't sign up for this shit.
You seeing this?
- It's not working.
- What are you doing?
Don't look like a tumbleweed at all, Herm.
Herm, come back!
Come back, Herm.
All right, all right.
Now, everybody just calm down.
A man's entitled...
to kill his mother's killer.
Plus... that's one less guy
you've got to split the money with!
Good thinking, Frank.
Let's ride!
Yeah!
Yeah, get on out of here!
Good job, son.
I'm really proud of you.
And getting your friends to come
all the way out here with you, brilliant.
Well, sir...
they ain't just my friends, they, uh...
They're my brothers.
Five?
You had fun, didn't you, sir?
Well, I'm gonna introduce myself.
I think they'd like that.
Frank Stockburn, your dad.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Father.
- Son.
This is my burro.
Proud to know you, Burro.
He's proud.
You must be, uh,
Saint Louis, right?
Chico.
Boy, you got your mom's muscles.
You a prizefighter?
No, actually, I'm a...
piano player.
Oh, well, I'll be!
You know, I've been known
to tickle the ivories myself.
Now and then, you know.
We should play together sometime.
I'd like that, Dad.
I'd like that a lot.
Yeah, son, we'll do that.
You must be Delilah's boy.
Boy, she made some fine,
fine whiskey.
Ooh, yeah.
She must've been really hitting it hard
when she was pregnant with you.
Atta boy, atta boy.
Da-da.
And, uh... you are?
I'm Lil Pete. I'm your son!
I love you so much, Dad!
- I have three nipples.
- Yeah, well...
It's always good to have a spare.
- Gall dang, you have one, too?
- Yeah.
Do you like to play with the extra one?
Oh, you betcha.
Oh, Pa, I have a question for you.
Yeah.
Where do babies come from?
Well, son, the mom just poops 'em out.
I knewed it!
I knewed it, Dad!
Well, look at this handsome devil.
Sir, I'm Danny.
It's awful nice to finally meet ya.
Could you help me with a problem?
I did a real stupid thing
that inadvertently led to the death
of a United States President,
and I'm feeling pretty lousy about it.
Well, son...
look in my eyes.
Shit happens.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Thanks. Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
So, where to now, huh?
Well, sir, Smoking Fox and me
are getting married in a few days,
and Screaming Eagle's
walking her down the aisle,
and I was hoping...
you could be there, next to me.
Oh, you mean your best man?
Yes, sir.
Oh, Tommy...
You know, that's...
that's quite an honor.
- It would be my honor, sir.
- Yeah. Well, uh...
But unfortunately, I...
I got some business up north
that I gotta attend to.
I gotta collect some gambling debts and...
You know,
just to pay the doctors and such.
Say, Dad. You don't ever gotta worry
about money ever again.
We had to conjure up 50 grand twice!
So we ended up with 100!
- A hundred?
- Yes, sir.
There's another 50 grand?
Yes, sir.
Right here,
in the burro's saddlebag.
So that business can wait up north,
can't it... best man?
Well, now that you mention it,
maybe I should change my plans.
- Bueno. Bueno.
- Yeah.
Hey! What are they doing back?
What is this?
I guess it's time you kids
learned the truth
about your dear old dad, huh?
I'm just too famous.
I can't walk into any town
west of the Rockies
without someone calling the law.
So, I came up with a way
we could make 50 grand
without lifting a finger.
And you rascals brought us double!
Are these my kids or what?
Son of a bitch!
If our two gangs joined forces,
there's not a lawman in the West
that would stand up against us.
What makes you think we'd turn
to a life of crime?
'Cause it's in your blood.
Answer me something.
Were you ever great at anything
in your life besides stealing?
No. No.
You apples didn't fall far from this tree.
Don't deny who you are.
If you knew who we really were,
you'd be very scared right now.
Don't overplay your hand, son.
I'm still holding an ace.
I found her. I...
I told you I'd find her.
This little beauty stumbled into our camp
a few days ago.
She actually tried to rescue me.
I'm guessing this means you don't want
me to be your best man no more, huh?
Well, I'm gonna make this
real simple for you.
Hand over the other 50 grand...
in that stupid ass' saddlebag,
or I put a bullet
in her pretty Apache head.
That ain't gonna happen.
Oh, it ain't?
No, sir.
Why's that?
Mmm... kind of a secret.
Well, you can tell your old man,
can't ya?
You know that bag...
- your boy's holding?
- Uh-huh.
It was meant for Cicero.
So there's something special in there.
- Plan B.
- Plan B?
Plan B.
Give me that bag.
Oh, shit!
Where is she?
Smoking Fox.
Nighty-night, son.
Danny, are you all right?
You done good, Daniel.
You saved me.
It's my duty, Mr. President.
Mrs. Lincoln.
Come on! Come on!
Come here.
Get in.
I got one!
Clem, you almost shot me!
Come on,
get the horses!
My ass! My ass!
Hey!
Is this here still valid,
or is it too burnt up?
Let me take a look here.
Uh, that looks good to me.
I mean, this looks good.
What in the hell?
You didn't scoop yours out,
did you?
What was the question again?
What?
Did any of you really do it?
Well, then whose eyes are in that jar?
Uh...
Well, Babyface found some rocks,
and, uh, painted them.
Surprise?
Hey, Tom,
you wanna play a game
to make up for all the father-son time
we missed?
Peek-a-boo.
Hey, come over here!
No, come over there!
You could have had everything, son.
But you had to do the right thing.
Let me leave you
with a bit of fatherly advice.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight.
One day,
there will be too many, my love.
But not today.
That was some mystical shit.
Tommy.
You knew Cicero killed my mother.
No!
No, I didn't know that.
No more lies!
Yeah, I knew. I knew.
Your mother insisted on telling.
She was going to rat the whole gang out,
and I tried to convince her...
Tommy, look, I'm your father,
for God's sake.
You don't kill your father, Tommy.
His name is White Knife.
I ain't gonna kill you.
'Cause my true father taught me otherwise.
You can't leave me like this!
Tommy!
You can't leave me here alone!
Dear Mama, so much has changed
since my last letter.
I scarcely know where to begin.
First off, it turns out our daddy
is a bad, bad man,
and he got thrown in jail.
But it's okay, 'cause Screaming Eagle,
the Indian chief who raised Tommy,
said he'd be all our dads, too.
I really like it here in this village.
Our new brothers and sisters
love to have fun
and have been so nice to all of us.
These white guys cannot dance.
Danny don't drink
whiskey no more.
- No.
- Yee-haw!
And Ramon and Herm
are trying to learn Indian ways.
Oh, and big news...
I finally have a girlfriend,
and she's much prettier
than a canty-loupe.
Come on, you two!
You're missing all the fun.
Anyways, Mama, thanks for raising me.
Your loving son, Lil Pete,
proud member of the Ridiculous 6.
Before you go...
Two, four, six, eight.
Who do we appreciate?
The Stockburns! The Stockburns!
Yeah! The Stockburns!