1
I've been writing a blog
about how much you suck.
What's it called?
Why You Suck dot net.
- It's a clear title.
- Are you gonna read it?
- Nope.
- Our friends think it's hilarious.
If you don't read it, I won't just email
it with a password to people we know.
- I'll make it public.
- Go nuts, Jules.
Stuff it up your blog.
Love dies. All of it.
Which is why you should
never give your cats names
like Snow and Balls.
Because when she leaves...
you'll get Balls.
How do I know
Some men die
In a fall
Not trusting their nose
To show them the way?
How do I know
If I love you
When all these things
Come and go?
You can't stand them together
In some neat little row
So how do I know?
How do I know? How do I know?
Whoo-hoo
Whoo-hoo
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo
How do I know?
If I know you?
How do I know
If I love you?
When you've drawn that imaginary line
The way that you're walking
Two steps behind?
How do I know
If I love you?
How do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know?
Whoo-hoo
Whoo-hoo
No one was more surprised than me.
Believe me.
Why You Suck has become
the template for people
asking themselves:
is their partner wrong for them?
Tell me about the moment you realized
that your husband was that for you.
Well, I sold real estate,
so that he could write, and I hated it.
But, you know, I believed in him.
And every day I would climb
to the top of this mountain
to watch the sunset.
And then, one day,
when I was standing up there,
I realized that I had
never done it with him.
He was afraid of heights.
And it was my favourite thing
and we'd never once shared it.
Heartbreaking.
- Clarity.
- What does Leo think of all of this?
- Oh, he's still never read it.
- Do you really believe that?
- Believe it.
- Yes!
He has this amazing ability
to just ignore criticism...
which, you know, I admired at first.
And then I came to see it
as his worst trait.
What does make him angry?
He was the writer.
I have news, Jules:
writing a blog does not make you a writer.
- Speaking of, you have some news.
- Yes, I do.
Next month Random House
is releasing Why You Suck, the book.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- That's amazing. - I know. It's incredible.
- Did you ever expect?
No. Never in my wildest dreams.
Dad wanted us to come over.
We're supposed to say:
because we think you're cool,
like an uncle.
But we won't lie to you
and tell you: don't watch Julie
on TV and want to kill yourself again.
I never wanted to kill myself.
Hey, there's a wedding!
Wow! They look rich.
We could make fun of
their need to display that.
Ravi and Pia are gifted,
which sounds cool, but really,
you don't want kids to be too clever.
- A grown man in pyjamas?
- I know! It's embarrassing.
Hey, I could teach you to throw.
Like you know!
You throw like a g...
No, mine!
Gimme, gimme!
Get off!
- He said I throw like a girl!
- Well, you are a girl.
Here's how you throw a football!
For Ravi, that punt fixed in his mind
an ideal of the woman
he wanted to marry one day.
Pia, a firm believer in role models,
saw the woman she wanted to become.
And me. I just knew.
Alright! You guys
gotta go home now.
Leo's other worst trait
was unrealistic dreams.
Things that would just
take hold of him all of a sudden.
Absurd things.
Impossible things.
Things that everyone...
Colette, Danny,
you have given and pledged
your promises to each other
and have declared your everlasting
love by exchanging the rings.
- Who are you rooting for? Bride or groom?
- Groom.
I volunteer at his camp for kids.
I also managed his fan mail
when he skied at the Olympics.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
- Shove over.
- You may kiss the bride.
- It's like a fairy tale!
- Oh, for Christ's sake.
What the hell is she thinking?!
I thought she was knocked up
when she told me
they were getting married.
It's just so fast! Four months?
It's a rebellion.
Other kids dream of bucking the stranglehold
of middle class convention. But Colette?
Some little part of her always wanted in.
Oh...
She got in, all right.
As his boss, I can tell you that Danny
is a terrific attorney.
But as his dad, as his father,
I can tell you how proud I am
of Camp Awesome Times,
the camp he founded
for underprivileged kids...
Get to the part where he meets the girl!
That's what they came for.
Ha. No, thanks.
Don't smoke. Get paranoid.
Lovely, isn't she?
What makes you think
that this, and this...
isn't what she really wants?
The roses.
She hates roses.
Hates flowers, period.
Except sunflowers.
If I'd seen sunflowers when I came
here, maybe I'd believe, this.
- So why's she doing it?
- Issues with her mother.
Her dad was this handsome war journalist.
Also her mom's professor.
Also a complete shit.
When Colette was 10,
her mom stole the money he
was hiding from the government
and took her to live in a hotel in London.
They biked in Hyde Park,
went to the theater...
Not that she remembers those times.
What does she remember?
Sneaking out of the hotel in the middle
of the night when the cash ran out.
She'll never forgive me.
For those of you who don't
know me, my name is Troy Cooper.
- This is Troy Garnet.
- Troy!
We've been best friends with
Danny since junior nationals.
Danny and I made the
Olympic team, Garnet didn't.
But, you know, while we got
to ski all over the world,
you got to hang out in your
parents' basement and smoke hash.
Um, what I wanted to get to,
what I wanted to say to you, Colette:
you are so lucky to be
with a man like Danny.
Danny, I love you.
Hi.
Your mom thinks you rushed into this.
Mothers.
- They're so often right.
- Not mine.
I'm sorry, who are you?
- Leo Palamino.
- Hi, Leo.
Do you want to get a coffee sometime?
Or a drink?
Dance? Charcuterie plate?
Everyone's big into those these days.
This is my wedding.
We all have baggage.
Sorry.
I got cornered by some guys
I haven't seen since Dartmouth.
Hey!
Glad you could make it.
Obviously the guest list
is a little lopsided.
- I blame this lone wolf.
- He's not your friend?
Never seen him before in my life.
Not true.
Last year you chased me up 17th.
I lost you in the alley.
You're the guy.
You keyed my car!
- Your Hummer. Yes.
- You had a Hummer?
Just for a few months.
You have to be kind of
a dick to drive a Hummer.
And you should not be with a dick.
You should be with me.
This is a joke, right?
No.
Whoa-hoa!
- God!
- Holy shit, that hurt!
That guy just hit on my wife!
Garnet, Cooper, stop him!
- Get that guy!
- Oh!
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
The Troys.
I think I'm gonna kick him;
really wail on him, if that's cool.
Dude, I'm a lawyer. I don't
think we should kick him.
Danny, come on! We have
the moral high ground here.
I feel like you guys
just need to make a decision.
Wait, people have pointed
this guy out to me.
Wasn't your wife the real estate
chick who wrote the blog?
Ex.
- Didn't she get a book deal, too?
- Bro, that's gotta hurt.
Nothing like he's gonna hurt when
I pulverize him. Piece of shit!
Cooper, stop!
He's been kicked enough.
Just get off our property.
Ha.
I know you miss Snow.
But you gotta get yourself together.
And Balls?
For the first time,
I know it's possible.
That guy's wife wrote the blog.
I know. Can you believe
he kept doing this dead-end job?
Julie's blog meant there were no shortage
of strongly-felt opinions
about my choices.
Usually, I tell them off.
At least for their lame attempt
at hushed tones.
But... not today.
'Morning, kitchen.
- 'Morning, Leo.
- Hup!
Is this some weird
calm before the storm...
before you really freak out?
- Julie's book deal.
- No. Not gonna freak out.
You wanna know why?
I met someone.
That's fantastic! Where?
- A wedding.
- Whose?
Hers.
Don't you have a school
to be ridiculed at?
Granted, there
are obstacles. But...
it's time for a new theme.
I saw him again today.
My bear.
The product of a rare recessive gene,
2,000 miles from their only habitat.
Beautiful things that seem
impossible happen every day.
Heads up!
Good to have you back, man!
Julie never understood
why I don't hate my job.
Dish washing gives results
that are immediate.
Lacking in longer-term pursuits,
like writing a novel, or pursuing a woman.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, sweetheart, thank you.
I know I said it didn't matter...
and it mattered so much to your mom...
but I did kind of hate the roses.
- These aren't from me.
- What?
"I hate it when we are apart.
Leo Palamino."
Is he out of his fucking mind!?
You are out of your fucking mind!
I love that she doesn't like roses.
- They're the attorneys of the flower world, don't you think?
- Hey.
Neil's irritable because I won't let
him see my paintings for my new show.
No, babe, I'm irritable
because my best friend's
an idiot, and I just
put sunglasses on a marmot.
Oh...
Neil's Big Horn Books published my book.
The, colossal failure of which meant
he had to make money fast.
And so was born the Big Horn Honker,
a mix of local news and
heartwarming wildlife trivia.
But mostly a way for local bars
to advertise drink specials.
- Show him, Neil.
- No, Jill. Don't encourage it.
You think he's not gonna find her?
Okay.
Here you go. She runs
that weird tour company.
I've heard these are actually cool.
Oh! Well, it actually doesn't matter,
'cause she's actually married.
Married-married. So, you know,
it hasn't worn off yet.
Leo, punch that man in the throat.
I think he ate my husband.
- Dude.
- Oh!
Thanks to a congenital defect,
she has three of those.
Jill and Neil are
obsessed with taking disgusting
way too intimate pictures of
each other with their phones.
Hey, man, lock up.
I have to violate my wife.
- Where are you gonna go? In here?
- No.
To be their friend
is to be party to a lot of
alarming foreplay
for sex you'll never have.
They make me believe in love.
Your wife wrote that blog, right?
There were benefits to my notoriety.
You're a major pop culture reference.
My friends back home
won't believe I met you.
A notoriety aided by
dollar-a-shot Wednesdays.
Of which I am king.
My My friend won't believe I met you.
Mmhmm. Your friend back home?
No. My friend over there.
You're aces at that, mate.
Okay. Gotta pee.
I get wicked bladder infections.
Yes, there are worse ways
to mourn the loss of a relationship.
But sex with strangers,
even leggy, weirdly vocal ones
with a blas attitude,
is an alienating excuse for love.
Especially when you know
it's possible again.
Where are we?
I told mom and dad we'd pick
up their wedding gift today.
Hey!
I missed you guys!
Yeah, come here.
Good to see you.
Why are the dogs here?
Who lives here?
Us.
Your parents bought us a house.
They had a designer furnish it. Of
course, anything you don't like will go.
It's not that.
It's all beautiful.
- We just can't take it.
- Why?
Well, I didn't.
We didn't earn it.
Oh, my God. I forgot.
We live in a
black-and-white world
where things are very simple.
Shut up. I'm serious.
I am too.
And in this simple world,
if we didn't earn something
by the sweat of our brow, we
just, we can't possibly enjoy it.
Though we both know the world
is not simple like that.
You know, it was a mistake.
We can give it all back.
- You brought these here?
- Yeah.
I figured if your mom sends you
them, they're important.
Even if you are mad at her right now.
You're amazing.
You know that?
Leo Palamino!
- Yes.
- Last time I saw you, you were downtown.
- Yeah.
- Between my legs.
- Yeah.
- Sucking my oyster.
You know, I like to keep the disturbing
euphemisms to the heat of the moment.
Kinda old-fashioned
that way.
Yeah. Got it, mate.
But if there was a licensing
board for muff diving...
Could I get a ticket?
Good afternoon everyone.
Hi.
And welcome to the tour.
Let's get started!
Word is, to get zoning approval
for this abomination,
the company slipped
600 grand to Councilman Ryan
Debrugan last Christmas Eve.
Oh!
- Who is that?
- Councilman Debrugan.
Nice.
Hear it?
That river has been flowing
over a million years.
It's my favourite natural wonder
here, even if you have to
lie in a parking lot to hear it.
Just imagine...
a river...
in total darkness.
Now, before I tell you about the bodies
found under the floor when the hermit died,
any questions?
I'm kidding!
He was just a normal hermit.
Built model trains, talked to the animals.
He died holding a picture of a girl he
loved in his youth.
But seriously, any questions?
He's got a question.
That's weird.
I didn't notice him.
What gave you the idea for the tours?
II moved a lot growing up.
And the first thing we'd do in a
new place was go to a local bar
and get the lowdown.
You don't learn about a place
from the brochures.
Life is messy.
And that's its beauty.
He doesn't deserve you.
You know nothing
about Danny. Or me.
I know guys like him, you know?
So, he's lucky, so comfy in his own skin.
And he has really good taste.
I mean, who wouldn't with all
that fancy, worldly experience?
I mean, this guy, he doesn't
just want a hot wife...
he wants a hot, interesting wife.
So this is what he does:
he ditches his Hummer to impress you.
You are incredibly judgmental.
- Sometimes you just know about a person.
- You don't know this:
that punt that made you notice
me because you're so sexist
you think it's wild a girl can do that.
Danny, the love of my life,
taught me that.
Touch.
Shall we?
You know, it is kind of sexist, you
thinking her kicking a football is cool.
- It is cool. - Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- My wife flies.
That's cool.
Also she made my ball sack
a Twitter account.
Whoo-hoo!
- I hate when she dips like that.
- Leo, you're afraid of heights,
not of other people being up high.
Hey, did I tell you? Colette's
husband is a friend of Garnet's
whose gallery is showing Jill's paintings.
- The ones she won't show you?
- Yeah. And I don't get it, you know?
She always shows me her work first, not-not
that Garnet's a bad guy, you know, if you're
into rich guys with chiseled
good looks who work out.
"Hi, I'm Neil's ball sack."
Oh!
That's just wrong, man.
I don't want your balls on my phone.
If they say wise or
hilarious things you do.
"It's dark in here
and Neil's jeans stink."
He's harmless.
Just annoying.
I've dealt with
my share of nuts on the tour.
I just told Kingsley not to
sell him any more tickets.
Good. I had Cooper
look into him.
He's a failed writer.
He rents a house from
a company I do legal for.
To retaliate would be like,
um, punching a puppy.
You, Danny Hart, have
a good one. You know that?
You ever think of doing
anything other than the tour?
- What?
- Like you said, you-you know,
you're exposed, to anyone.
You know, now that we're settled you can do
anything you want, even go back to school.
But I love what I do.
I hated school.
I just want you to know
you have options, that's all.
Well, so do you.
You don't have to be a lawyer.
Point taken.
Why'd you hate school?
Schools.
I'd always just get settled
and then we'd move.
My entire childhood
was like being on the...
outside of an inside joke.
Well, if you would have come to my school,
I would have invited you
to the cool kids' table.
What?
I love that you brought these here.
But I've been drinking from
these stupid mismatched cups
my entire life.
And you have no idea
the thrill these give me.
She's moving from an
Airstream in the woods!
One more reason she's way too
interesting to be with that...
Lawyer-Olympian-
camp for kids founder?
- What are you doing?
- Pretending to deliver the Honker while I spy on my wife.
Look at him. Giving her thoughts
on her work, sharing a laugh.
I give her feedback.
Feedback is our thing.
- I'm sure she has her reasons.
- Oh, yeah, I'm sure she does.
Look at me. I wanted to publish
books. Niche work with integrity.
Instead, I publish something more
people urinate on than read.
Shit!
They saw us. great!
Move your bike. Look, try not to act like the
dick who crashed his best friend's wedding.
- Hi! Hey, babe!
- Hey, hon.
- Hey, here are your Honkers, man.
- Hi. Okay. Okay. Leo.
- Jill.
- You look different. Not on your back, whimpering.
Oh, half-of-the-Troys,
can we start over?
That is a gorgeous scarf.
I've been looking everywhere
for a white silk scarf.
- Leo, shut up.
- Great work.
- We'll talk soon.
- Great.
- Thanks for that, Leo, you child.
- Child? Really?
Recent tweets from your husband's balls.
"I itch.
"Neil won't stop touching me.
"Anyone have a good recipe for salmon?
I...
What's that?
My new theme.
It's what I'm in with Colette.
The key: seemingly
chance encounters
where she sees how right
we are for each other.
When I met Poojah, she was betrothed
to a bricklayer's
son-cum-internet millionaire.
- So what did you do?
- Challenged him to a duel.
Jesus. You duelled him?
No. I just love how you believe
any crazy shit I say about India.
No, what you need to do is
show her something you can do.
Something great, that, no one else can.
- What would that be?
- Heads up.
We've got some new ideas for the tour.
That woman wrote in again
about her racy doll collection
and another guy sent in
a picture of his penis...
- with times it'll be available for viewing.
- That was nice of him.
But this one's actually interesting.
"To whom it may concern:
"I am writing to inform you of a
unique and wonderful colleague
of mine who would make a
great attraction on your tour."
For sure.
It's the Mary Jane.
I'm coming. I'm coming!
- Know where I can get some schlook?
- Maybe a White-Haired Lady?
"The Slang That Kills." Lookit.
The pot is for my cat's arthritis.
You're still a part of an underground
economy where badass mofos...
- It's slang for dealers.
- Threaten.
Even kill.
Mandeep, your kids
were at my house this morning
harassing me about drugs.
- Is that weird?
- No, no.
They're doing a unit on drugs
in school. They're very into it.
How ya doin', Jess?
- Living the dream, man.
- Leo!
- Living the dream.
- She's here.
The view from here
is good. Look.
Today's theme is 'orbit'.
- What the hell?
- Coming through.
Watch out, watch out. This way,
this way, right this way.
Colette! What are
you doing here?
Oh, I don't know.
I got this anonymous tip
about a dishwasher
"with amazing motor skills
and themes."
- Themes! It's not standard in a dishwasher.
- Unheard of.
Aren't you curious?
Purely from a business point of view.
A demonstration.
If two objects, or people...
have a similar mass...
metaphorically speaking, humor,
originality,
true-of-heartness...
put them in orbit...
and...
they'll spin,
collide, fall...
together.
Useless to resist.
He screams "tourist attraction" to me.
I got this.
You were charmed.
For a second.
- I saw it.
- Is there anywhere you won't make a scene?
If it's important, who cares
what a bunch of strangers think?
This stems from what?
A snap judgment based on
physical attraction
to a married woman you don't know?
But then I researched you.
I followed you, I spied on you,
I came to your work...
And that snap judgment totally stands!
Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
There's a section about
how he played bass guitar,
but refused to actually learn how.
And we...
can listen to a clip.
Ooh! Oh!
Wow!
- Oh, my God! That would drive me insane.
- Yeah.
Wait. "Horny In Inappropriate
Places." That looks funny.
"Places that make my husband horny:
- My nephew's baptism."
- Of course.
"The dealership where
we refinanced our Toyota.
- My aunt's funeral."
- Ew. Sick.
- Yeah, that's totally sick.
- That's seriously messed up.
Keep going.
"His childish refusal to keep his
mouth shut and not make a scene."
Wow. Knopf wanted
to publish his book.
- Really?
- "And not only did my husband refuse to make the changes
"to his book the largest publisher in
America wanted after a generous advance,
"he flew to New York, gave
the president of the division
"the finger and stormed out.
"He published the book locally.
Refused to make a single change.
And it died."
Well, I feel for the guy.
Not everyone can be Hemingway.
He wasted his life
refusing to accept that.
I'll get more wine.
Showing Colette the blog backfired.
- What do you mean?
- It did. Trust me.
That's twice now, you little shit!
Sorry, Mr. Scott!
- Totally an accident!
- You owe me 50 bucks, bro.
You're a fine role model, Coop.
And golf club manager.
My management style's unorthodox.
What's my dad gonna do?
Fire you again?
Anyhow, as I've been saying all along:
what Leo Palamino needs
is a shit-kicking.
No, Coop.
I will not concede the moral
high ground to this asshole.
We are adults and adults
do not shit-kick.
That's exactly it.
There it was.
In the very window
where I'd fantasized, for years,
about having my book.
One final symbolic kick in the nuts.
Not that I let it bother me.
That hurt, you little peckers!
You just got popped, old man.
And to teach you a lesson
not to chase another man's wife,
we're gonna stomp you, too.
Okay.
Okay. 'Cause I don't fight kids.
Especially nice kids.
Who are gonna grow up
to do amazing things.
Is that sarcasm?
Yeah.
The way you're blindly following
this dip-shit,
I see remedial classes and meth mouth.
Aah!
Snow...
Hey...
What are you doing?
What are you doing here?
I miss you so much.
That is my cat! Get your
vagrant hands off her!
Hey!
I raised that cat.
That's my and Julie's cat!
My God, it is you.
Pfft! You look rough.
Julie gave Snow to me
before she moved to Malibu.
Alright, thisthis has to stop!
'Cause you just got. You just got
whooped by an army of children.
You are so wrong.
When I fought for Poojah, it got messy,
but it was all worth it.
Even...
after she died.
Hey, don't look like that!
It makes me happy to talk about
her. She's still with me.
In Ravi and Pia.
Having her was worth losing her.
Sometimes you just know.
I love you, Mandeep!
I can't believe Julie broke your guitar.
She didn't.
It got stolen.
- Nah!
- No.
It's on the blog. She broke it then put
it in a dumpster behind Jamba Juice.
- Yeah.
- I loved that guitar!
She's a horrible woman.
But I love you guys.
Oh.
- What?
- What? What's up?
- Tell him!
- No!
- Tell him!
- Okay! Alright, okay. There's a section on the blog
where Julie talks about all the dumb
stuff you did when you were drunk.
- Like on your honeymoon in Paris, when you pooped yourself.
- I had heat stroke!
Bit it was mostly just how you get
emotional all the time and say I love you.
Usually to Neil and I.
So someone started a drinking game.
- How's it work?
- It's very simple. They go into a pub.
If you're in the pub, you're drinking and
you say "I love you," then they drink.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Leo, no. Come on.
- No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no! No.
You're assholes!
You know that?
But I love you.
It's Julie. Leave a message
I saw Snow.
I let you take her in case
you got lonely out there.
You know, I mistakenly
thought you had some,
God!...tiny bit of heart left.
And they were a couple!
And you, you punished
them for our mistakes.
And you...
Just a nasty person.
Sean Cooper's telling everyone
he and his friends beat up Leo.
Maybe someone needs to convince
them he's a badass mofo.
Do you smell curry?
You beat up Leo Palamino.
- You should know who he is.
- Yeah?
- Who is he?
- Our dealer.
You name it. Baby Bhang.
Lumber. Bambalacha.
We blow a stick of moocah
with him all the time.
He has a greenhouse in his
house where he grows it.
You don't mess with someone
who's been booting
the gong, they can overreact.
- He didn't react at all last night.
- Spring the giggle,
- your reflexes get slow.
- But he'll hit you back. Trust me.
I'm gonna blow the roof off a Colorado
cocktail before social studies.
Spark it up, but don't Bogart it.
What was that?
Kingsley!
I told you not to sell him
any more tickets, Kingsley!
You're my front line of defense
against this idiot!
I know. But he got beat up.
Also, I slept with him last year.
So I might be a sort of compromised
front line of defense.
- Great at oral. - Didn't ask.
- But you wanted to.
And I'm not talking about a little booty
kiss to say "I'm a giver, let's ball."
Thanks for calling me, Cooper.
I thought you'd want to see him.
Whoo!
You look rough, pal.
I've never seen anything like it.
- Is he a polar bear?
- No. A ghost bear.
A black bear with a rare recessive gene.
They survived only because
the Kitasoo Indians
in the Great Bear Rainforest.
The only place in the world
they live. Think they're magic.
So they protect them.
He's a long way from home.
That bear... is proof
of the impossible.
- A moment?
- That's right.
Couched in wildlife trivia
and a rare animal sighting.
You know, I've pitied him long enough.
Finally. Let's have some fun!
What does he have we can take?
Therein lies the problem.
Didn't you say you represent the
management company who owns his house?
Yeah, but to evict, you gotta give him
60 days unless he's broken the lease.
- Hey!- Hey, Sean.
- Hey, what's up, bro?
You didn't tell me
he's a drug dealer, dick!
What?
These dorks at school told me.
He even has a greenhouse.
You don't say.
Officer. Prettier
of the Troys.
Fuck you, dishwasher.
Mr. Palamino, do you have
marijuana on the premises?
One plant.
For my cat's arthritis.
- Is this a joke to you?
- No it helps him a lot.
- Right, Balls?
- Your cat's name is Balls?
With arthritis, shouldn't
that be Swollen Balls?
Yeah, joint pain...
hilarious.
I don't know what this is, but
I don't want to be a part of it.
Just lose the plant.
I probably won't.
Just being honest.
And I probably won't give a shit.
- You sure got me.
- Yeah. Actually, I did.
You admitted to an officer of the
law to drugs on the premises.
That's a violation of your lease.
Which gives you 24 hours
to vacate, asshole.
Have a great day.
You sure there's enough room?
Room? There's lots of room!
Pia wants you to have her bed.
Stay as long as you like.
Okay.
Pfft!
Hey, man.
This is just going to be
for a couple nights. Okay?
At least you don't have to worry
about getting beat up anymore.
- Why's that?
- Because we told them you were a drug dealer.
Thanks, Ravi.
During Prohibition,
that river bank was the drop-off
for black market whiskey.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Why'd you steal the newspaper?
I took pity on you and let you
come on the tour. Don't wear it out.
- Your little 'fuck you' to the man?
- I forgot to pay.
Like you do every day?
Change of plans, folks.
Behind me you'll see a set of stairs.
There's a view up there
that is well worth the climb.
- What about him?
- He's afraid of heights.
Pathetic, isn't it?
There's a hilarious chapter
about it in a book I'm reading.
"In my early twenties,
"I thought Leo's blanket distrust
of anyone with authority
"was the mark of an original mind.
"Okay, I thought his strongly held views,
"always firmly on the side
of the underdog,
"were the expression
of something pure and true.
"Then I came to see that,
more often than not,
"Leo's muddled politics...
"...were expressed in drunken
rants "about sport hunters,
"the Christian Right and wars
he knew little
to nothing about."
Hey, how 'bout we take a break
from the out-loud reading?
Did you really make her have
sex at her aunt's funeral?
I did not make her.
Why you. She didn't even
like that aunt.
You guys don't understand what it's like
to read a person's thoughts...
so well-organized in chapters
with witty asides -
as she falls out of love with you.
You know the worst part?
Colette.
She read it all, too.
Oh!
His wife has written the book...
Your hushed tone?
I'd bring it down a few decibels.
And, yes, I'm him.
Yes, I make snap judgments.
Yes, I walked from a publishing deal.
Yes, one very humid day
after way too much sangria,
I shit myself in Paris!
What?
Hey, man.
Heads up!
What are you doing?
Same as you: staring at
my daughter's huge house.
She won't return my calls.
Hey, you know, somewhere
in my back seat I think I have
a $300 bottle of scotch.
I told Colette I thought what you did
at the wedding was romantic.
And that's why she's not talking to me.
I'm afraid I've made her fear
the romantic, unlikely dreamers.
With your crazy grand gestures.
A terrible thing in life
to avoid completely.
- I'm glad you weighed in.
- No, I shouldn't have.
Yeah.
What you did was obnoxious,
selfish, superficial as hell.
But it took balls.
And I was high at a very dull party.
What do you have against Danny?
It's not what
I have against him. No.
My point was: wait.
You don't know a person's character
until the chips are down.
And I'm pretty sure
the chips have never
really been down for Danny.
And what the hell kind of a name
for a camp is 'Awesome Times'?
- Awesome Times.
- A little on point, perhaps?
Well, if I were 20 years younger,
and not in a committed
polyamorous relationship
with some people in Anchorage,
I'd fuck ya.
That is the nicest thing the
mother of anyone I've loved
has ever said.
And you're really giving up on my daughter?
Just because she read
a bestseller your ex wrote?
You would understand if someone wrote one
about everything wrong with you.
And it was funny.
And well-observed.
My ex-husband, the
asshole who broke my heart...
no, eviscerated my heart...
when he was in the field
reporting on some African dictator,
he would focus on proving just one
of the dictator's claims wrong.
Because if you can disprove
one thing a person in power says,
people will question
everything else they say.
Just a thought.
I'm gonna do that.
You have a crippling fear of heights.
You can't even watch my wife do it.
That's the point, my little
friend. Transcend that.
I will blow Julie's book, blog...
It's a multiplatform
phenomenon, is what it is.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's a publishing term.
I will prove it wrong.
For Colette. And for me.
I just have to condition
myself to altitude.
Aha! Ha!
Oh...
I think this is totally gonna work.
The idea behind hang gliding is simple.
A shift of the centre of gravity
to one side, that wing drops
and a turn that way.
For the landing, push out. That
stalls the kite and you're down.
...racing through
my veins
Like daisy sunshine
I hear you calling
Back where I belong
This right kind of wrong
'Cause I've been sleep
Sleepwalking
Through my mistakes
And now I'm falling
I've been sleep
Sleepwalking
And then you came
Without a warning...
You're just gonna do a quick run.
I have to be at the gallery by four.
Garnet's sneaking out of a
fundraiser for Danny Hart's camp
to look at a painting I'm stalled on.
Well! Isn't that
nice of him.
The fundraiser's a big deal, so it is nice of him.
Let's go! I gotta go.
- Let's do this!
- Okay.
- Are you good? Are you good?
- Yeah, we're good. - Easy.
Are we gonna run now?
- Hey, how are ya?
- Fine.
- Heads up.
- Whoa!
Paint, draw, glue stuff, I don't care.
This is not a class.
What are you painting?
I call it Knight Fight.
You must have been a real dork in school?
You have no idea.
Kids...
My manipulative mother,
who thinks I won't be able to
ignore her in front
of you... who is wrong.
You're disturbing them.
And on their special day.
Now that's manipulative.
That's how you do it.
Okay. Let's,
let's make stuff, guys.
I was... I was out of line
at your wedding and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
And I miss you.
And I gave birth to you, so you owe me.
You drive all night?
Yeah.
Okay. Let's
put it behind us.
Yeah.
Oh! Let's have
an awesome time!
Was that facetious?
Of course not. Pff!
You know, you can back out, dude.
- We'll never judge you for it.
- No.
I have to do this.
- Where's this fundraiser?
- Oh, it's at the Hart Ranch. - Good to go.
No. Don't you even
think it. Leo!
Leo! No, Leo! No!
No, no, no, no. No!
Don't, Leo! Stop!
No, no! No, no, no!
Can I borrow these?
Holy shit! Danny?
It's the dishwasher!
Holy shit!
Jesus Christ!
Isn't he afraid of heights?
Oh!
Oh!
Oh...
Oh, my God.
Hey.
The only good thing about
this place is the Jell-O.
And the Percodan.
I'll get you some more.
- Percodan?
- Jell-O.
You want a bite?
I'm good.
Sorry I broke the Troys.
Jesus.
Look at you.
Why the hell did you do it?
To show you that one thing
Julie said isn't true:
that I could get over my fear of heights.
A fear which is very much back, by the way.
You know, I...
I hate that you read
all those things she wrote.
Some things she calls wrong
don't seem wrong to me.
I don't think you were wrong
to walk from a publishing deal
because you didn't
agree with their changes.
God, I wish I could be
that sure of myself.
Why do you steal newspapers?
Your ex would say that it's a...
a product of futile
antiestablishment urges.
Me, flailing at corporate America.
But their coffee is so expensive.
And the way they double-cup?
It's so wasteful.
So every day I steal a dollar.
My little 'fuck you' to the man.
But this isn't gonna end
how you want it to.
Goodbye, Leo.
Writing, and the pursuit of a woman,
like any impossible dream,
are not about immediate results.
They're about telling the truth,
no matter how absurd or embarrassing,
or what injuries you sustain.
And hoping like hell she'll hear you.
He'she's awful.
Does he do that thing where
he just talks and talks...
Hey, Debrugan!
Sometimes a prick is a prick
and it needs to be said.
At a brunch? In front of
an entire restaurant?
Not everything is an
opportunity to take a stand.
What is one? For you?
I mean, between all the back slapping
and the 'hey man', who'd have the time?
Sorry I don't occupy the
special place of moral purity
from which to cast my pious judgments.
Better known as a dish pit.
Whatwhat the hell
does this have to do with him?
Because it's what you're thinking.
We need to talk.
Your pal in there, Mandeep,
my firm did the paperwork for this place
when they wanted a guest worker
visa to bring in a cook.
Okay. What I've done has
nothing to do with him.
It's so sad.
These poor bastards.
They get told by these
recruiting agencies to come,
work an entry-level job
and get a work permit.
But it's all bullshit.
And you can be damn sure
they're not gonna get one
if they're too scared
to contact immigration
when those visas ran out.
Two years ago.
If you ever say another
single word to my wife,
your friend and his kids are
going back to whatever shithole
in Bangalore they came from.
Comprende, dishwasher?
You okay?
Y...yeah. Fine.
What do you think, buddy?
What else can life take from us?
Oh...
What are you doing here?
I have a few days off the book tour.
I thought I'd bring Snow home.
Snow?
You're right about the cats, Leo.
They should be together.
Always had shitty timing, Jules.
I wonder if I hadn't separated them
if the bear would have got him?
Probably not.
Snow's a scrapper.
Aren't you, old girl?
Yeah.
I read your book.
- Really?
- I can't believe you broke my guitar.
I can't believe you
couldn't learn one song.
Sure, they're hanging her paintings.
And you know what they're also doing?
They're laughing at inside jokes
and developing a shorthand.
Screw it.
I'm going in!
Neil, you have
nothing to worry about. Neil!
Neil, Neil, Neil! Nothing good will
come from you going in there. Trust me!
- Said by a man who listens to no one.
- You're right.
Said by a man who should start.
You were right.
I should have trusted you.
About my book.
You're a good editor.
I wore you down.
I let you down.
I dug in my heels instead of
listening to your suggestions.
Which were good.
- Alright, well, you couldn't see it at the time. That's okay.
- But you did.
You had faith in me, man.
I should have had faith in you back.
To listen. And Julie was right...
it's my worst flaw.
Which I will work on.
If you have faith in me on this
and do not go in there.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Hey!
Can I talk to you for a minute?
How's Leo?
- He's fine.
- Good.
Can you say hi to him for me?
He sleeps in our room, so yeah,
we could probably hook that up.
Thanks, guys.
- Hey, Colette! Wait up!
- Colette! Hold on! Wait!
You need to know something.
Hey, babe.
I know what you threatened Leo with.
I knew he'd play this for sympathy.
No, he honored your deal.
He didn't tell me anything.
You've never been on the outside
of anything, have you?
Wha...?
When you noticed me, Danny,
you cast a warmth on me
I'd never felt before.
And those first months were perfect.
What do you mean, 'were'?
I mean I think I spent so long thinking
there was something wrong with me
because I was never on the inside
that I never thought
about what being there...
always being there...
does to a person.
Being where?
Safe. Perfectly safe.
Surrounded by your boys
and your history here and...
and your father's reputation.
- Okay, I am the one wronged here!
- Yes. You were.
- So I took a stand against this asshole.
- A stand?
Danny, taking a stand has to hurt.
Or make you look like a fool or...
What you did was easy.
And that is not a stand.
I don't belong here...
and we both know it.
Alright.
This isn't happening.
No, not about him.
I'm not gonna run into his
arms, if that's what you mean.
But it is about him.
About all that he is that makes
what you're not so clear.
What... a loser?
A guy who scrubs pots for a living?
A guy whose own wife couldn't stand him?
We're all wrong for someone, Danny.
Oh, shit.
Jill had used
those way-too-intimate
pictures of Neil on her phone
for something more...
profound than foreplay.
You are a fine piece of art.
You can't consult your muse.
They are amazing.
And I am an idiot.
You really are an idiot.
Who inspires me every day.
- Leo.
- Julie.
This is Chad. Leo.
Hey, Chad.
Hon, can you just
give us a minute? Okay.
Did you ever think
we'd be standing in a room
full of vaguely abstracted
images of Neil's junk?
Is it so surprising, though?
There's always been something
seriously wrong with them.
Exactly.
You know, the right kind of
wrong, for each other.
It's kind of what we weren't.
You're a good writer, Jules.
Thank you.
From you that means a lot.
And I should've climbed mountains for you.
I did a lot wrong, too.
Maybe I didn't
stress that enough in the blog.
Or the book.
I'll try in the movie.
Oh, there's gonna be a movie?
Yeah. Cool?
And speaking of,
I actually have an idea about
those copies of your novel, I...
Hey!
Do you know that woman?
What were you saying?
About my novel?
Hi. Julie. I'm Colette.
It's a great book.
Total load of crap, but funny.
Thank you.
I'll, um, I'll leave you two.
I'm sorry, Colette.
I, um, shouldn't have
pursued you so shamelessly.
I don't...
I don't even know you.
Really?
I have to go.
- So...
- I left Danny.
And if Mandeep gets
a call from immigration,
he knows I'll take half
the house in the divorce.
Danny... loves that house.
Do you know what got me?
It wasn't your willingness
to humiliate yourself
or all the injuries.
It was that after all that,
you would walk away.
There's something in you, some hard,
good little kernel of something.
Corn?
I's the only thing I know
that comes in kernels.
Dude, there is nothing good about corn.
Only the Mayans knew how to
digest that shit. But you?
You try telling Monsanto that
in threatening letters,
they will send dudes to your house.
- Have you been drinking?
- Since three.
Do you want to go find an
inappropriate place to make out?
Where were you last night?
Come here!
Thank you. Thank you.
- What if she's your Poojah?
- Yeah.
What are you talking about?
You made sweet love to her?
Well, I wouldn't say that.
What do I
Have to do
To get you where
I want you?
Are you sure we should be doing this?
You're really drunk.
Shut up.
- You're really drunk.
- Shut up!
- Okay.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
We talked. It was nice.
Colette!
- I don't know why you're...
- No, no!
Thanks to you, I am gonna be 30, man!
- It's a great age!
- I'm gonna be divorced.
My God! My cups are never
gonna match again!
Oh!
God! Do you think
you should keep drinking?
Oh!
You okay?
They're lovely. Thanks.
And I'm a really bad drinker.
A little aggressive, maybe.
I've been to Paris.
I haven't, actually.
My mom sent it to me.
Oh, yeah.
You have been there.
Oh! I had heatstroke.
I'm not the best drinker, either.
For you.
That's really sweet.
For you.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry about last night.
Bruises heal.
Leo, I left Danny because of you.
Not for you.
Isn't that kind of the same thing?
I went to the art gallery
because I wanted to tell you
how noble I thought
you were when he wasn't.
But what happened after...
It's... it's...
it's been a tough time
and I think I just needed to
blow off a little steam.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's... I get it.
Yeah, we've all done it.
But next time you try to lose yourself
in some trauma-inducing
sexual encounter,
just make sure the guy
isn't in love with you.
See you around, Colette.
That summer, three seemingly impossible,
beautiful things happened.
The first:
Balls came out of the woods,
healthier than ever.
...which is
what I want.
The second impossible
thing began with Julie's rounds
on the talk shows to promote
Why You Suck, the movie.
Leo was the most stubborn guy.
And a terrible guitar playe.
But the novel he wrote, Sex and Sunsets...
muddled, but intriguing.
Sex and Sunsets?
Interesting.
Really? All of them?
Yeah. Amazon ordered way more
than we had. Julie was right.
Her just mentioning it made it sell.
We're going into a second printing!
The third impossible thing being
the death of the Big Horn Honker.
Writing and the pursuit of a woman
are never about immediate results.
What they are about is telling the truth.
And hoping like hell she'll hear you.
I'd like to think I've evolved.
But I'll always say:
some snap judgments are true.
Because you have to be
a dick to drive a Hummer.
Hey.
You're really out of breath.
Just getting some exercise.
What are you doing here?
There was a white bear spotted
on a trail north of town.
And I wondered if you wanted
to look for him with me.
I know a trail that should get us there
without too bad a climb.
I know it's inappropriate...
but I want you, Leo Palamino.
Right here.
- Come on! Stay with me.
- Nice view.
The beauty of nature will surprise you
if you look and listen.
- Nature's great!
- Awesome.
That really is awesome.
This way!
Ever since I met you
I'm all about you
Never wrote a love song
until I felt you
Feelin' like the new me
fit together perfect
All the time I waited
but you were worthy
I knew that
The minute you walked in
There's no doubt
That I don't want to live without you
It's no mistake
I am with you
I love the way
You do what you do
One look at your face
And I knew right away
It's no mistake
I am with you
You don't need a party to keep dancing
Being in your arms
is like living in a mansion
So fancy I couldn't imagine
I don't wanna sleep
'cause I'm set on the action
I knew that
The minute you walked in
There's no doubt
That I don't want to live without you
It's no mistake
I am with you
I love the way
You do what you do
One look at your face
And I knew right away
It's no mistake
I am with you
It's no mistake
I am with you
I love the way
You do what you do
One look at your face
And I knew right away
It's no mistake
I am with you
One look at your face
And I knew right away
It's no mistake
I am with you
It's no mistake
I am with you
I am with you
It's no mistake