1
[ School Bell Rings ]
Hey, There...
Hot Stuff.
If I Could Rearrange The
Alphabet, I Would Put "I" And
"U" [YOU] Together.
Yeah?
Hello.
Are You Taking Any Applications
For A Boyfriend?
A-Are You A Parking Ticket?
What?
You -- 'Cause -- 'Cause You
Got -- You Got "Fine" Written
All Over You.
Oh. That's Okay.
Oh. That's Okay.
A-Are You Sunburned, Or Are
You -- Are You Always This Hot?
Tsss!
Oh. This One's Good.
I Wish You Were A Dsl So I Could
Have High-Speed Access.
Yeah. Thought Of That One.
All Right.
All: D-R-A-G-O-N-S!
Go, Dragons, Go!
Whoo!
Okay, Now, That Was
Unnecessary.
Hey. Dirt Girl.
See That Trash?
You Need To Pick It Up.
Do You Believe In Love
At First Sight...
[ Chuckles ]
...Or Should I Just Walk By
Again?
[ Laughs ]
Is There An Airport Nearby, Or
Is That Just My Heart Taking
Off?
Are You From Tennessee?
Because You're The Only Ten
That I See.
Ugh.
Do You Have A Raisin?
No?
How 'Bout A Date?
Your Name Must Be Lucky Charms,
Because You Are Magically
Delicious.
[ Chuckles ]
I Do Like Lucky Charms.
I-I Really Hope You Have A
License, Because You're Driving
Me Crazy.
Oh! Oh!Y.
Did You Fart?
Because You Blow Me Away.
[ Blows ]
[ Car Horn Blares ]
Hey!
Out Of The Way, Dork Face.
And Have My Friggin' Homework
Done By Second Period.
Peace.
She's The Most Hottest Babe
In Our Class.
She Has Been Since The Eighth
Grade.
She's Hotter Than The Center
Of The Most Glorious Firework
Exploding In The 4TH Of July
Night Sky.
Come Find Me.
Yo!
Look, Dude, Clark's Gone.
Now's The Perfect Time To Talk
To Her.
Are You Crazy?
He'll Smash Me.
Look, Now's Your Chance.
You Can Do It.
Carrie!
What?
I'm Payton.
I've Always Been A Dork.
I've Always Been More
Interested In Comic Books Than
In Sports.
And Despite How Hard My Dad
Tried To Make Me One, I've
Never Been A Jock.
Ow. Ow.
My Comic Book Starts Here.
See That Handsome Devil?
Yeah, That's Me.
And Next To Me, That's The Girl
I'm Gonna Marry Someday --
Carrie Smith.
She Was Perfect --
The Mary Jane To My Spider-Man,
The Lois Lane To My Clark Kent,
The Princess To My Mario.
Of Course, There's Always
Something In The Way, Some
Thing Called Clark Hayes.
He Was Bigger Than Me And
Better-Looking Than Me -- In
The Traditional, Handsome Sort
Of Way, If You're Into That.
If I'm Gonna Defeat Him And
Make Senior Year Different Than
Every Other Year, I'm Gonna
Have To Become A Superhero.
I Need The Amazing, Incredible,
Extraordinary Power To...
Talk To Her.
Your Hair!
My Hair?
Your Light Looks Very
Beautiful In That Hair.
What?
No.
That's Really Wrong.
Y-Your Hair Is, Uh...
Oh.
[ Sighs ]
Here We Go Again.
It's Like Every Year, He
Forgets I'm A Cheerleader.
Ew. Gross.
He's Been Trying To Get Into
My Panties Since They Were
Diapers.
Can't He See The Uniform That I
Wear Every Day?
It Means "Keep Off."
Unless You're A Jock Or
Iron Man.
He's So Hot.
No! Wait! Carrie!
That's...Not What I Meant.
[ Gasps ]
Oh!
[ Laughter ]
You...
You Are Not Gonna Ruin Senior
Year For Me!
[ Scoffs ]
[ Whimpers ]
Five Minutes In, And I've
Already Managed To Screw Things
Up!
Cupcakes Were My Surefire Way
To Win Over The Teachers.
Operation Brownnose Is A Fail!
Good Cupcakes, Though.
Chocolate -- My Favorite.
W-Where'd You --
Mm.
Did Y-- Did You Just Get
That...?
What?
Come On.
[ School Bell Rings ]
Where's That Nerd Girl With
My Cupcake?
Hello?
All Right, Boys, Come On.
Shake A Leg. Let's Go.
Payton, Come On. Get Dressed.
Wrestling Starts Today.
I Don't Think That's A Good
Idea.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
What Now, Payton?
Every Time We Wrestle In Gym
Class, I Get A Bloody Nose.
I Think You're Exaggerating,
Payton.
No. No, I'm Not.
I Keep Track Of It In My
Journal.
[ Chuckling ] Journal?
No One Keeps A Journal.
Let's Go.
Come On. Come On.
In The Office.
In The Office. Let's Go.
Come On! Get Ready!
Son, Son, Son.
Dad...Dad...Dad.
Payton, What Have I Always
Said?
Men Don't...
Cry, Pee Sitting Down, Ask
For Directions, Talk About Your
Feelings, Talk About Your
Weight, Shave Your Pubic Hair,
Drive A Miata, Cuddle After Sex,
Own A Pug, Wear Pink, Think The
Packers Are A Real Team, Listen
To Show Tunes, And...
Wipe More Than Once.
Done.
Men...Don't Talk About
Journals...
AROUND OTHER MEN.
No, You Never Told Me That.
It's Understood!
You Don't Have To Say It!
It's Implied!
Come On.
Get Dressed For Wrestling.
Let's Go.
Dad.
Bloody Nose.
Son, What's The Worst That
Can Happen?
Okay, The Bloody Nose Is A
Given, But Then I Lose So Much
Blood That I Pass Out.
I Miss A Pop Quiz In Math Class
And End Up Failing Because Of
It, And My Dreams Of Going To
College Are Forever Ruined.
So I Work At A Gas Station, But
They Won't Let Me Run The
Register Because They Know That
I Failed Math Class, So They
Put Me On A Night Shift, And A
Crazed Drug Addict Attempts To
Rob Me This One Night To Feed
His Heroin Addiction, But Since
I Can't Work The Cash Register,
He Shoots Me And He Kills Me
Dead.
[ Grunts ]
See?
You Didn't Pass Out.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, Girls.
From The Top.
Ready?
Together: Okay!
Whoo!
Let's Go!
In The Center Of A
Paramecium, That Is Where All
The Eating Takes Place.
[ School Bell Rings ]
All Right.
That's Biology For Today.
Don't Forget Pages 49 Through
Where Do You Think You're Going,
Payton?
Do You Need To Talk To Me?
I Was Worried About You,
Payton.
You Seemed...Distracted In Class
Today.
Is It Because Your Dad Has A New
Girlfriend?
[ Scoffs ]
My Dad Has A New Girlfriend?
Mm-Mnh-Mm.
Word Around The Water Cooler Was
That He Had A Date.
I Don't Know What You're
Talking About.
There's No One Special In His
Life?
He Would Tell You If There Was
Something Serious Going On,
Wouldn't He?
Yeah, I Don't Know.
So, There's Nobody New In His
Life?
I Don't Know.
So You Don't Know.
You Don't Know.
What Do You Know?
My Dad Only Has Room For Me,
Gale, And Ditka.
Ditka.
Is That That Ukrainian
Supermodel?
No!
No, It's The Former Head Coach
Of The Bears.
Oh!
[ Laughing ] Ditka.
Right.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Inhales Deeply ]
Okay.
Well...
That Will Be All.
Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckling ] Ditka.
Wow. Good Reviews.
Okay, Coach.
You Can Learn A Lot From
Watching Football.
[ Chuckles ]
Amen.
And Parenting, That's A Lot
Like Coaching.
Don't I Know It.
Now, I Know Two Things For
Certain -- Life Is Hard And
It's Not Always Fair, But It
Beats The Hell Out Of The
Alternative.
You've Got To Get Your Son In
The Game, You Got To Get Him
Motivated, And You Got To Get
Him To Finish.
I Can Do That, Coach.
Maybe Your Son's A Dork.
Maybe He's A Little Bit More
Into Comic Books Than He Is
Girls.
It's Like You're Looking Into
My Very Soul, Coach.
You Can Still Guide Them To
Be The Best Dork They Can Be.
Now, Go Out There And Give Him
Hell.
And Remember -- Go, Bears!
Go, Bears!
Go, Bears.
Oh. Looking At Porn, Dork?
What Do You Want, Clark?
To Kick Your Ass.
[ Chuckles ]
What Else?
Boo!
Actually, I Need Your Help.
I'm Already Doing Your Math
Homework And Your Biology Essay.
This Is Different.
This Is Important, Okay?
I Need You To Teach Me
Everything You Know About...
Comic Books.
Why?
Y-You Don't Need To Know
About That.
Okay, Fine.
Meet After School At The
Comic-Book Shop.
[ Sighs ]
I'll Have To Bring Carrie.
I'm All About The Sexy
Ah, Yeah
Uh, Uh
Ah, Yeah
I'm All About The Sexy
Ah, Yeah
Come Closer, Payton.
Well, I Mean...I Guess I-If
You L-- If You Have To Bring
Her, Then, You Know, I Guess...
I Guess It's All Right.
And She Can't Find Out About
This.
I Guess You Could Tell Her
The School's Cracking Down On
Cheating And I Have To Pass You
Your Homework Inside Comic
Books.
What -- And She'll Believe
That?
If You Tell Her It Was My
Idea, She Will.
[ Chuckles ]
Cool. All Right.
Dorks.
Who Would You Rather Do?
Oh, My Favorite Game.
An Adam Hughes Girl Or A
Dave Stevens Girl?
Oh, Well, I'm Surprised By
The Question.
Because Why?
Well, Because I Thought It
Was Going To Be This Super
Heroine Or That Super Heroine.
My Question Is Tres Crafty.
I Think The Stevens Women Are
A Bit More Subtle.
You Know, Like, I Want To Marry
A Stevens Girl.
Well, Then You're A Fool,
Payton.
I Would Make Sweet Love To An
Adam Hughes Drawing.
I Mean, Not Even One Come To
Life -- I Mean The Actual
Drawing.
Hmm.
Don't Worry.
You Know I Always Use
Protection.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
This Girl Razor Is...
Quite Fetching.
Be Gentle.
I'm Still Mint.
[ Sighs Deeply ]
Now You've Done It.
[ Gasps ] Oh, No.
Ollie, I'm Sorry.
I Know You Have Dibs On Razor.
And You Say That You're My
Friend?
No Hard Feelings.
I'll Give You My Claim To
Night Nurse.
Not Good Enough!
Uh, Excuse Me, Sir.
Is This Where One Might Find
Information On...Comic Books?
Oh, Hey, Clark.
Nice Jacket.
Oh, Wow.
It's Carrie In A Comic-Book
Shop?
Could My Day Be Any More
Awesome?
Oh, God. He's Looking At Me.
I Got To Get Him To Stop
Drooling All Over Me.
Hey, Carrie.
Hey, Carrie.
Hey, Carrie.
[ Record Scratches ]
Hey, Man, Nobody Knows We're
Here, Right?
Have You Ever Danced With The
Devil By The Pale Moonlight?
What Is That, Comic-Book
Lingo?
'Cause I Never Read Any.
He's Making Fun Of You,
Dumb Ass.
Here.
These Are Good To Start With.
"Spider-Man"?
[ Scoffs ]
Saw The Movie.
Don't Need To Read This One.
Actually, The Comic Book Is
Completely Different From The
Movie.
Whatever. Let's Go.
Hi, Payton.
Have You Ever Checked Out
"Li'l Depressed Boy"?
It's My Favorite Webcomic
Series.
It's About A Shy Guy Who Has A
Hard Time Talking To Girls.
Webcomics Are For People Who
Can't Get Dates.
All Comics Are For People Who
Can't Get Dates.
I Bet Payton Could Get A
Date.
Uh, The Entire Romero Saga Is
Playing At The Tivoli This
Weekend --
"Night Of The Living Dead,"
"Dawn Of The Dead,"
"Day Of The Dead,"
"Land Of The Dead," And
"Diary Of The Dead."
[ Chuckles ]
That's A Lot Of Hot Zombie
Action.
Well, I Don't Know Anyone Who
Wants To Go, And I Don't Want To
Go Alone.
Really?
Because I Also Want To Go, And I
Don't Have Anyone To Go With.
That Sucks.
I Guess We'll Both Miss It.
Hey, Carrie, Do You Like
Zombies?
[ Scoffs ]
What A Dork.
Hey! They're A Perfect Pair!
This Is Just Like Newton's
First Law -- An Object At Rest
Will Stay At Rest, And An
Object In Motion Will Not
Change Its Velocity Unless An
Unbalanced Force Acts Upon
Them.
So If Payton Is The Object At
Rest And Samantha Is The Object
In Motion And I'm The
Unbalanced Force, Then All I
Have To Do Is To Get Them
Traveling Toward Each Other And
Then Collide, And Then Presto!
Dork Love.
And Payton -- Well, Payton
Leaves Me Alone.
Go, Bears!
That's My Girl.
You Should Probably Teach Her
How To Say Other Things At Some
Point.
Oh, Come On.
She Knows Other Stuff.
You Know She Actually Speaks At
A Right-Tackle Level?
Come On.
Watch The Game, Or I'll Make You
Run Laps.
Okay.
Okay, Okay. Catch It.
Catch It.
Catch It!
Yes!
Run That Shit!
Gale!
What?
Dad!
What?
Gale Just Said "Shit"!
While Watching A Game.
She's 6!
Oh, Come On.
She's Not Too Young To Learn How
To Properly Watch Football.
This Is Why She Needs A Woman
Figure In Her Life.
[ Chuckling ] Come On.
You Did Okay Without One.
Great. Thanks.
What?
I Didn't Mean Anything.
[ Door Slams ]
Okay, Let's Watch That Catch
Again.
You See That?
Mm-Hmm.
See The Quarterback In The
Pocket?
Mm-Hmm.
You See All That Protection
Around Him?
Uh-Huh.
You Know What That's Called?
Good Shit.
Good Shit.
[ Giggles ]
Okay, First Step In My Master
Plan -- Find Payton.
I'm Gonna Have To Be Nice To
Him If This Is Gonna Work.
You're Paranoid.
You Like Dark, Hidden Places
Where You Know You'll Be Alone,
Where No One Can Torment Or
Torture You.
What Are You, A
Psychotherapist?
[ Clank ]
Ow!
I Saw It On "Dr. Phil."
He Did This Whole Thing On It
Last Thursday.
Pfft!
I'm Not Paranoid, Okay?
I Just Like It Here.
You're Paranoid When It Comes
To Girls.
That's For Sure.
What?
You're Too Scared To Ask A
Girl Out Who's Standing Right In
Front Of You, Begging To Be
Asked.
What Are You Trying To Say?
Come Here, Baby, Ah
Come Here, Baby, Ah
Come Here, Baby, Ah
[ Scoffs ]
Samantha's Sweet, Nice.
Most Importantly, She's Into
You.
Samantha?
[ Growls ]
H-Hi, Payton. Hi.
Hey, Payton. Hi.
Hi, Payton.
You Don't Want To Go Out With
Her.
Don't Listen To Him.
She's A Great Catch For A Guy
Like You.
Girls Aren't Interested In
Me.
They Just Want To Be My Friend.
Hey, Do You Have Any "Batman"
Or "Superman" Books?
I Want Some Of Those.
Look, It's No Big Deal If
You're Too Scared To Ask A Girl
Out.
What, Did Dr. Phil Also Do A
Show On Reverse Psychology?
Last Monday. Why?
I'm Not Gonna Ask Her Out,
Okay?
Good Call.
She's Got No Tits And A Big Ass.
It's The Worst Combination.
Seriously -- You Got To Ask
Her Out.
What's The Worst That Could
Happen?
Well, She And All Her Friends
Could Laugh At Me In The
Hallway In Front Of The Whole
School, Scarring Me For Life,
Destroying My Self-Esteem To
The Point Where I Have No Nerve
To Ask Another Girl Out As Long
As I Live, And I Become A
Miserable, Lonely Old Man Who
Dies Alone, Completely Unloved.
This Is Gonna Be Harder Than
I Thought.
[ Sighs ]
[ Stopwatch Ticking ]
[ Stopwatch Beeps ]
Come On.
Bronko.
Hi.
Hey.
Great, Um, Great Bears Game
Last Sunday, Huh?
Oh, Yeah, Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, Except In The Third
Quarter, When They Were Up
Against A Cover 2 Zone.
They Tried To Run A Tackle Left.
Oh.
Are You Kidding Me?!
Everybody Knows When You're In
That Situation, You Run A Post
Pattern For An Easy Touchdown
There, Right?
Right. Yeah.
Right?!
Yeah, Right.
That's Crazy.
Crazy.
I Mean, In A Cover 2 Zone
Situation, Everybody Knows You
Got To Run A Post Pattern.
Even You Know!
I Know That, And I'm Not Even
A Coach!
I Know.
Kills Me.
Yeah.
Hey, You Know, I Was Looking For
A Good Place To Watch The Game
This Sunday, And I Was
Wondering -- Do You Know Any
Good Places, Any...
Recommendations?
[ Exhales Deeply ]
I, Uh...
Well, Uh...
Not Really.
[ School Bell Rings ]
[ Indistinct Conversations ]
Stay On The Pavement, Fellas.
Yeah, You Heard Me, Smirk Face.
Took Me All Night.
Wow.
Nice Balls.
Dude, They Got You Again.
[ Chime Tone Plays ]
"Let Me Teach You A Few
Things About Girls."
You Know That Line In "Hamlet,"
"To Thine Ownself Be True"?
Lesson 1 -- Don't Do That.
Lesson 2 -- Compliments Are
Good.
Over-Complimenting Shows
Desperation.
Women Sense Desperation Like
Dogs Sense Fear.
[ Chomps ]
Or Food.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm Not Sure Which.
Lesson 3 -- Really Don't Be
Yourself.
Can't Stress This Enough.
Carrie's Shirt Is Way
Boobalicious.
No, Seriously.
Way Boobalicious.
Boobalicious?
Really?
She's A Person With Feelings,
You Know.
I'd Love To Be Feeling All Up
In Her And Shit.
Don't Hate The Playa,
Home-Diggity.
[ Chime Tone Plays ]
Rolling Hills Dragons Rule,
Baby!
Waaahooooow!!
Lesson 4 -- Pay No Attention
To Clark.
Pay Attention To Things Like...
Her Nail Polish.
Girls Like When You Notice That
Sort Of Thing.
And Lesson 5 -- Possibly The
Most Important Lesson You'll
Get From Me.
Always Tell Hot Girls They're
Smart And Smart Girls They're
Hot.
Okay.
Payton.
[ Smooches ]
Payton.
This One Is So Good.
What You Guys Watching?
Football.
But It's Wednesday.
They Don't Have Football On
Wednesday.
Oh, Yeah.
Uh, This Is One From The, Uh,
'85 Season.
Super Bowl Game?
No.
Championship Game?
No.
Look -- The Fog Bowl.
Fog Just Came In.
It Looks Like They're Playing On
Mount Olympus.
You Need Help, Dad.
Well, I Think It's Important
That Gale Has A Sense Of
History.
Go, Bears!
That's My Girl.
Hey, You Know, You Could Sit
Down And Watch With Us, You
Know, Like A Family.
Families Do More Than Just
Watch Football Together.
It Wasn't Like This Before Mom
Died.
Okay.
Just Don't Say Her Name.
I Didn't Mention Her Name.
I Said "Mom."
Why Can't We Talk About Her?
You Know -- You Know, Parenting
Is More Than Just Learning About
Football.
You Know What?
You Can Learn A Lot Watching
Football.
Like Mike Ditka Says, "If Things
Came Easy, Then Everybody Would
Be Good At What They Did."
Okay, Dad.
All Right.
And We Watch...
Movies, You Know?
Right.
Because "Snakes On A Plane" Is
Appropriate For A 6-Year-Old.
Stay Black!
S-Stay Black.
Easy.
See?
I'm Gonna Be In My Room.
All Right.
Fine.
It Was Clear I Could Not Go
To My Dad About This Kind Of
Thing, But It's Okay, Because
Most Superheroes' Dads Are Dead
Anyway.
If I Use My Superpowers To Get
Samantha To Like Me, Then
She'll Go On A Date With Me,
And I'll Use My Mind Control To
Tell Carrie That Clark's In
Trouble, And She'll Come
Rushing To His Rescue, But
She'll Get Trapped In That
Alley On Fourth And Western
Where The Bums Beat Up
Cheerleaders, And I'll Come
Flying In And Save Her By Using
Samantha As A Shield.
Carrie Will Fall Madly In Love
With Me And Go To The Halloween
Dance With Me.
Then We'll Get Married And Have
Superbabies That All Have My
Awesome Powers And Use Them
Mostly For Good.
And We'll Be The Ultimate
Crime-Fighting Family!
[ School Bell Rings ]
Did You See Their Uniforms?
Ah!
They Were Gorgeous.
Brilliant Cut, Brilliant Design,
And So Little Color Choices To
Choose From.
Sure, The Nazis Were Jackbooted
Thugs Who Wanted To Take Over
The World, But, Well...
They Looked Fabulous Doing It.
[ Applause ]
Thank You, Ollie And Carrie.
Interesting Angle, But Very Well
Argued.
It's A Close Call, But I Think
I'm Going To Have To Award It
To...
Carrie.
Oh!
You Pick The Next Pair.
[ Applause ]
Okay.
How About Payton And...
Samantha?
Payton And Samantha, Will You
Please Step Up To The Podium?
Your Topic Is...
Baby-Seal Hunting.
Payton For, And Samantha
Against.
Well, Most People Would Argue
That Baby-Seal Hunters Need To
Make A Living, But My Argument
Is Much More Basic.
Have You Ever Seen A Baby Seal's
Face?
They Just Have This Expression
That Says...
[ High-PITCHED ] "Beat Me.
Club Me.
Smash My Brains In.
Please."
[ Class Murmuring, Booing ]
[ Normal VOICE ] I Mean, They're
Practically Begging For A
Clubbing.
[ Murmuring, Booing Continue ]
Payton, Has Anyone Ever Told
You You Look Exactly Like A Baby
Seal?
[ Laughter ]
[ School Bell Rings ]
Thank You, Payton And
Samantha.
We'll Finish It Later.
All Right, Kids.
Walk, Don't Run.
[ Indistinct Conversations ]
I Love Your Nail Polish.
I'm Not Wearing Any.
Uh, Look, I'm -- I'm Sorry About
That Burn.
It Was The First Thing That Came
Into My Mind.
To Be Honest, You Don't Really
Look Like A Baby Seal.
Although, You're Both Pretty
Cute.
Uh, So...
So...
I, Um...
I Had Something Pretty Important
That I Need To Ask You,
Samantha.
Yeah?
Uh, So...
Yeah, Payton?
Do You Like The New
Rob Zombie Flick?
I Thought It Was Pretty Good.
I'll Talk To You Later,
Payton.
Payton, Have You Finished
That Extra-Credit Family History
I Asked For?
Oh. Yeah.
Mm.
Here.
Although, I'm Not Really Sure
Why The School Needs To Know
That My Dad Loves Pia Coladas
But Doesn't Like Getting Caught
In The Rain.
Oh.
Boxer Briefs.
Surprising Choice, But
Impressive.
Can I Have My Phone?
I Tried Asking Her Out.
If You Don't Ask Her Out By
Tomorrow, You're A Lost Cause,
And I Don't Work With Lost
Causes.
Tomorrow?
[ Sighs ]
I Know Exactly What's Gonna
Happen.
Hello, Samantha.
Just Wondering If You Wanted To
Rock The Hizzy With
Tickle Attack.
That's My Guitar Hero Cover Band
With Ollie And Chester.
I'll Text Her -- Later Tonight.
Wow!
You're So Romantic.
Oh.
Well, I Mean...
Call Her.
On The Phone?
Yes!
Hey, Carrie.
What's Up, Girls?
Ohhh!
Were You Two Up Here Making Out?
Yes.
Nice.
[ Both Squeal ]
Are You Gonna Have Babies?
What Are You Guys Doing Here?
Oh, We're Hiding From...
Ollie.
Hey, Girl. What's Up?
Hey, Girl.
Hey, Girl.
Hey, Girl.
In The Library?
Bad Plan.
Oh, My God.
Is This A Library?
Y-You're Probably Right.
We Should Go. We Should Go.
Definitely Go.
Let's Go.
Gross.
Okay, So, I Ran The Numbers,
And I Think It's A Better Use Of
My Time --
Oh!
I Totally Forgot --
I'm Loving The Top, Girl!
Thanks.
Mm-Hmm!
Thanks. See Ya.
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
So, You're Going To Call Her,
Right?
Well, Actually, I've Kind Of
Been Working On These Pretty
Excellent Pickup Lines.
No Pickup Lines -- Ever.
But They're Really, Really
Good.
Don't You Realize Any Girl
With Half A Brain Hates Pickup
Lines?
Just -- Just Pretend That
You're Samantha, Okay?
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, Carrie.
Pretend You Have Donkitis And No
Tits.
Hey. Hey.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, Baby.
[ Chuckling ] Please Don't.
Is Your Name Gillette?
I Don't Want To Know.
Because You Are The Best A
Man Can Get.
Oh, Hey, Carrie.
Are You An Architect?
Because You Seem To Make Every
Room You're In...
[ High-PITCHED ] Beautiful.
I Have One.
Do Your Pants Have Mirrors On
Them?
Because I Can Totally See Myself
In Them.
[ Laughs ]
[ Normal VOICE ] You Want To
Wear Her Pants?
[ Chuckling ] Right?
Forget The Pickup Lines.
Pick Up A Phone And Just Call
Her And Ask Her Out.
She'll Say Yes. I Promise.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, Thanks.
Why Is She Helping Him?
Maybe It's Because Payton's
Helping Me With Comics.
If She's Helping Him Because
He's Helping Me, Then It's Like
We're On The Same Team, And I
Should Be Helping Somebody...?
You Know, Next Time Grandma
Gets Out Of Her Car, I'm Gonna
Open The Door For Her.
You Stupid Boy!
Ow!
[ Screams ]
When Mrs. Hooper's Blind Ass
Trips, I'll Stop Laughing
Sooner.
[ Chuckles ]
Or When Coach Bronko Has Us Run
Laps, I'll Slow Down So
Everyone Else Doesn't Look Like
Such Dorks.
[ Laughs ]
Hey.
Oh, Hey, Babe.
So, Did You Want To Hit The
Galleria And Then Maybe Go To
Ted Drewes For Some Frozen
Custard?
Actually, I Got This Thing To
Do.
What Thing?
Uh, It's For A Girl.
What Girl?
Um, No, You Don't Know Her.
She's In College.
Well [Scoffs] What Are You
Doing With This College Girl?
Oh, Just Lifting Stuff...
For Her.
She's Not Hot At All.
Neh.
You're Fine With It, Right?
Totally Fine.
Thanks, Babe.
I'll See Ya.
Have Fun Lifting Stuff.
With Your Not-Hot College Girl.
Let's...Call.
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
[ Ringing ]
Ehh...Well, So, I'll Text Her.
[ Ringtone Plays ]
Call Her.
Can't I Just Text Her?
Please?
[ Scoffs ]
Grow A Pair.
I'm Better At Writing Than
Talking.
Don't Text Me Until You've
Called And Asked Her Out.
[ Sighs ]
[ Ringing ]
Hi, IT'S Sam.
Unless YOU'RE STUPID, YOU KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
[ Beep ]
Hi, Samantha.
Um, So, I-I'm Sorry If I'm
Bugging You.
I Just -- I --
Well, The Reason That I'm
Actually Calling Is -- Is That
I-I Wanted To Ask, Um --
This Probably Sounds Crazy.
Mm. This Is --
I-I Don't -- I -- I-If You're
Busy, That's Fine.
I-It's Fine If You're -- If
You're Busy.
Oh, I Wanted To That If Maybe
You Wanted To Really Just Do
The --
You HAVE REACHED YOUR MESSAGE
LIMIT.
Goodbye.
Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Yeah.
[ Chime Tone Plays ]
I Would Love To Go Out With
You.
Colon, Dash, Parenthesis.
[ Clears Throat ]
[ Chime Tone Plays ]
Really!
[ Chuckles ]
You Want To Go...
I Have A Date.
Not With Carrie, But...
But Still A Date.
Whoo-Hoo!
Yes!
Thank You.
Thank You.
[ Sighs ]
[ Cartoon Plays On Tv ]
Gale, Where's Dad?
Stay Black!
Dad.
Can I Borrow The Car Friday
Night?
Why?
I...Have A Date.
With A Girl?
Yes, With A Girl.
[ Chuckling ] Okay, Good.
All Right.
You Can Drive Brunella.
[ Scoffing ] Oh.
Dad. Dad.
First Date Here, Okay?
Can't Ruin My Reputation By
Showing Up In Brunella.
Name One Thing Wrong With
Brunella.
One Thing?
The Taillight Is Held On By
Duct Tape.
The Passenger Seat Belt Is Duct
Tape.
I'm Pretty Sure The Only Thing
That Keeps The Car Together Is
The Rust.
The Rust And The Duct Tape.
Son, That Is What We Call
"Character."
[ Sighs ]
Look, Do You Want This Girl
To Go Out With You Because
You're Driving A Nice Car Or '
'Cause Of What You Got Inside?
Dad, First Date Here.
Well, Wh-- What Is Wrong With
Driving Brunella?
What's The Worst That Can
Happen?
[ Tires Squeal ]
Actually, The Worst Thing
That Could Happen Would Be If A
Truck Driver Driving
Cross-Country Finds Out That
The Woman That He Was In Love
With On The Internet Was
Actually Just A Pimply Faced
16-Year-Old Boy.
So He Loads Up On A Mixture Of
Nodoz And Jack Daniel's, Which
Causes Him To Temporarily Lose
Control Of His Big Rig,
Swerving Into My Lane, And,
Because Brunella Doesn't Have
Automatic Steering, Forcing Me
Into The Guardrail, Then
Through It, Then Down A Cliff
As We Tumble End Over End Until
It Lands Upside Down, Crushing
Us, Catching Fire, And We
Slowly Burn And Bleed To Death
At The Same Time.
All Right, Look -- If A Girl
Will Date You Driving Brunella,
She's A Keeper.
Dad, Please?
You Know What?
You're Never A Loser Till You
Quit Trying.
What?!
Mike Ditka.
What You Up To?
Geez!
[ Chuckling ] Nothing.
Why Would I Be Up To Something?
It's Not Like I Have Anything To
Hide From You.
[ Chuckles ]
So, How Did Lifting Go With
That College Girl?
What?
You Know, That College Girl
That You Had To Lift Stuff For.
Oh. Yeah, That.
Um...
Yeah, It Went Okay.
Actually, It Went So Well, She
Wants Me To Lift Stuff For Her
A Couple Times A Week.
She Does, Does She?
[ Chuckles ]
I Guess We're Both Lucky To
Have Such A Strong Man In Our
Lives.
Totally.
So, What's This Lucky Girl's
Name?
Andy.
And Where Does Andy Go To
School?
College. Duh.
What's She Studying?
Books, Mostly.
Great.
Well, I'll Have To Meet Her
Sometime.
Ohhh, Uh...
I'm Sorry.
I-I Mean, No.
You Two Won't Get Along.
She'd Be Way Too Jealous Of
Your...
[ Inhales Sharply ]
...Beauty And...Stuff.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, I Wouldn't Want To Make
Her Jealous.
Maybe You And I Should Stop
Seeing Each Other Till, You
Know, You're Done Lifting Stuff.
Hey, Hey.
Don't Be Silly.
We're Just Friends.
Okay.
Oh, Look.
It's The Rolling Hill Retards!
Boo!
Dude!
That Never Gets Old!
Ugh!
Apparently, Neither Do They.
So, Looks Like Your Little
Dr. Phil Theories About Me Were
Wrong, Because I Asked Samantha
Out, And She Said Yes.
See?
I Knew You Had It In You.
With Some Prodding.
Why Didn't You Tell Me They
Killed Robin?
Clark, This Is A Really Big
Moment.
Payton's About To Go On His
First Date.
What Makes You Think It's My
First?
It's Nothing To Be
Embarrassed About.
You're Just A Late Bloomer,
That's All.
But I Am So Proud Of You.
How Could They Kill Robin?
They Killed Off The Second
Robin, Okay?
The Jason Todd Robin.
But He Was A Jerk, And The Joker
Caught Him Anyway.
They Left It Up To The Fans
Whether They Wanted Him To Live
Or Die, And They All Said, "Get
Rid Of Him."
But It's Okay, Because
Superboy-Prime Can Punch People
Back Alive.
It's Just Wrong.
It's Unamerican.
I Mean, It's Always Been Batman
And Robin, Montana And Rice, Or
Bert And Ernie.
[ Chuckles ]
Anyway...
So, Where Are You Taking Her?
Uh, My Dad Recommended This
Place.
He Took My Mom There On Their
First Date.
That Is So Romantic.
So Much More Romantic Than Where
We Went On Our First Date.
What?
Under The Bleachers After School
Wasn't Romantic?
No.
It Was For Me.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, This Is Very Important.
Always Open The Door For Her,
Especially When Getting In The
Car.
Go Around To Her Side First,
Open The Door, Let Her In, Then
Close The Door, Go Back Around
To Your Side.
It's Very Gentlemanlike.
And That Way, You Get A Good
Look At Her Ass When She Sits
Down.
You'll Know She Really Likes
You If She Gives You...
A Reach-Over.
A Reach-Over?
It's When She Reaches Over
And Unlocks The Door Before You
Get There.
At Dinner, Find Out What She
Wants, And Then Order It For
Her.
Compliment Her On Her Outfit.
And Her Hair.
Or Her Shoes.
Ah!
Girls Love It When You Notice
Their Shoes.
You Want To Be Strong, But
Sensitive...
Mysterious...
Informative...
Interesting...
Removed.
You Want To Impress Her At All
Times.
You Want Everything To Run
Smoothly.
You Want To Be Perfect.
You Want To Get To Second
Base!
Any First Date Where You Don't
Is A Failure.
Can't I Just Be Myself?
Both: No!
[ Engine Sputtering ]
[ Engine Backfires ]
[ Stomach Gurgles ]
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
Uh-Oh.
That Didn't Sound Too Good.
Got To Love Taco Day.
Yeah.
Favorite Lunch Day By Far.
Only Good Things Can Come
From Taco Day.
At This Point, I Was Thinking I
May Have Eaten One Too Many
Tacos.
[ Stomach Gurgles ]
[ Engine Shuts Off ]
[ Farts ]
Oh!
[ Sighs ]
Stupid Taco Day.
[ Farts ]
Okay.
Tell Her I Like Her Shoes.
No.
No, Tell Her I Like Her Outfit.
Or Her Hair.
O-Or Her Shoes.
[ Knock On Door ]
Samantha, You Look --
Hey, I'm Not Ready Yet, So,
Uh, Hey, Come In.
Just Relax.
I'll Be Done In Two Minutes.
No More Stress And...
Okay.
...No More Strain
Um...
[ Groans ]
Sitting Back
[ Farting ]
Happy Jack, Time To Relax
Ugh!
Take It Easy, Take It
Slow
[ Groaning, Farting ]
Am I Happy? Hmm
Just A Touch
[ Farts ]
Sitting Back
Happy Jack, Time To Relax
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
Going Somewhere, Don't Care
Where
Wow.
'Cause He's Happy To Stay
[ Gagging ]
Till The Journey's End
[ Sniffs ]
Ugh.
Oh. Sorry To Be Rude.
These Are My Parents, Suzie And
Thomas Gibson.
Ohh.
[ Clears Throat ]
Taco Day, Huh?
I'll Be Right Back.
[ Sniffing ]
[ Clock Ticking ]
Just So You Know, You Have,
Uh, Nothing To Worry About
Tonight.
Your Daughter's In Very Good
Hands.
I Promise To Be A Perfect
Gentleman.
Just Dinner, Movie, Home.
You Know, No -- No Monkey
Business.
We Feel Very Safe In Our
Belief That You're Going To Be
An Absolutely Perfect Gentleman
Tonight.
And Everything Samantha Has
Told Us About You Says That
You're A Charming, Well-Behaved
Young Man.
We Just Wanted You To Know
That.
Mm-Hmm.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay.
I Know Where You Live.
Um...
I Know Where To Bury A Body.
Okay.
I'm Not -- I'm Not One Of Those
"Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am"
Guys.
No, I Keep My Hands To Myself.
I-I Actually Have A Friend --
Well, Not Really A Friend,
But -- But He Thinks A-A First
Date Is A Failure Unless You Get
To Second Base, But I Have No
Plans To Get To Second Base With
Your Daughter.
No.
I Am Not Interested In Her
Breasts At All.
N-N-Not That I Don't Like Them.
I Mean, They're Very Nice --
Small, But Nice, You Know.
Not -- Not The Nicest In School.
I Mean, I Can See Where She Gets
Them.
Not That You Have Small Breasts,
Miss Gibson.
Just Saying That They're...
There, You Know.
So, Chances Are That Samantha
Got Them From You.
Not That Mr. Gibson's Side Of
The Family Doesn't Have Nice
Breasts.
I'm Sure They Do.
They Seem...Nice And...
Small.
You Know, I Actually Prefer
Small Breasts, And I Find Your
Daughter's To Be A Very Fine
Size.
N-Not That I Just Spend All My
Time In School Looking At Them.
I Mean, I Don't Spend All Of
Third Period Staring At Your
Daughter's Breasts, Okay?
So, Just To Be Clear, I Have No
Intention Whatsoever Of Going To
Second Base Tonight With Your
Daughter.
[ Gasps ]
Payton.
Yeah?
You Can Let Go Of My Breast
Now.
I'm Gonna Do That.
Okay.
Let's Go.
Pleasure Meeting Both Of You.
It's Another Thing To Check
Off My List -- Getting Felt Up
By A Date In Front Of My
Parents.
I Just Spent The Last Five
Minutes Talking To Your Parents
About Your Breasts.
I Was Actually Telling Them How
Much I Enjoyed Them.
And Then I Grabbed One.
You Told My Parents That I
Have Nice Boobs?
And Then...I Grabbed One.
I Am So Sorry.
No.
You're Super-Cool And Totally
Awesome.
[ Smooches ]
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, Uh...
No!
Oh!
Oh, I'm So Sorry!
Are You Okay?
[ Chuckles Nervously ]
I'm Sorry. I'm So Sorry.
Are You --
No Big Deal. I'm Fine.
I Really Like Your Outfit Or
Your Hair.
Thank You...?
I'm Just -- I'm Trying To Be
The Perfect Gentleman.
I'm Sorry.
You Don't Have To Apologize.
Just -- Sorry.
[ Chuckles ]
Stop Apologizing.
Sorry For Apologizing So
Much.
Stop.
Yeah.
No -- No More...
Apologizing...Anymore.
Sorry.
Sorry.
[ Engine Turns Over ]
[ Tires Squeal ]
I Can't Seem To Look Away
There You Are, I'm In A Daze
Wondering If You Would Ever
Know
In The Street Or In The Hall
With Your Back Flat To The
Wall
Where You Are Is Where I Want
To Go
I Can't Seem To Look Away
There You Are, I'm In A Daze
Wondering If You Would Ever
Know
In The --
[ Engine, Radio Shut Off ]
South Price Road.
My Dad Says This Place Has The
Best Meat In Town.
[ Dance Music Plays ]
Isn't This North Price Road?
Come On.
Oh, Yeah.
This Is Gonna Be Good.
[ Audience Cheering ]
Uh, Where's The Hostess?
May I Have Your Attention,
Please?
Bring Your Seat Backs To Their
Upright And Locked Position.
Prepare For Takeoff.
Get Ready, Ladies, For The Best
Meat In Town.
Ugh!
[ Music Continues ]
Oh, My...God.
Is That Miss Stewart?
[ Screams ]
Oh, Cool.
[ Laughing ]
[ Gasps ]
Ugh!
[ Screams ]
[ Laughing ]
All...Right.
Interesting Choice For A
First Date, Payton.
Hi, Samantha.
Hi.
Look, I Can't Begin To Tell
You How Sorry I Am.
I Do Not Enjoy Looking At
Well-Built, Oiled-Up Men With
Sweat Dripping Down Their Nearly
Naked Bodies.
If I'd Known It Had Been Like
That, I Wouldn't Have Taken You
With Me.
Not -- Not That I Would Have
Gone On My Own.
[ Sighs ]
Great.
Now You Think I'm Probably Gay.
Did You Say Something After
"Well-Built, Oiled-Up Men"?
Remind Me To Ask Miss Stewart To
Organize Our Next Field Trip.
Carrie!
Hi, Carrie.
Aren't You On A Date?
I Was Under That Impression
Myself.
Payton!
Oh, Payton.
Hey, Clark.
How's The Date?
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
She Looks Like She Crapped Her
Pants.
[ Laughter Continues ]
[ Laughter Distorts ]
Those Are Really Nice Shoes.
Okay, Knock.
But You're Holding My Hand.
[ Scoffs ]
Okay, Now Knock.
I Don't -- I Don't...
[ Sighs ]
Uh...
What?
Okay, Tell Her I'm Here With
Your Jacket And That You're
Sending Me In.
Huh?
[ Sighs ]
This Is What I'm Gonna Do -- I'm
Gonna Go In There With Your
Jacket And I'm Gonna Claim That
It's Your Idea.
When She Comes Out, Tell Her She
Looks Nice, 'Cause She's
Obviously Gonna Be Feeling A
Little Insecure Right Now.
Wow.
You're Really Good At This.
[ Breathes Deeply ]
Samantha!
Carrie's Gonna Be Coming In With
My Jacket.
[ Sarcastically ] Oh, Great.
[ Sighs ]
Just Don't Expect Me To Kiss Her
Good Night For You.
After This, You're On Your Own.
Hey.
She Gave Me A Reach-Around In
The Car.
It's Called A Reach-Over.
A Reach-Around's A Completely
Different Thing.
Oh.
Maybe You'll Show Me That Later?
No.
Women Are Like Any Great
Football Play -- They're Hard
To Read.
So The Key Is To Stay Focused,
And Don't Get Distracted By
Their Footballs, If You Know
What I Mean.
[ Chuckles ]
I Know What You Mean, Coach.
If You're Talking To A Woman
And You Feel The Urge To Look
At Those Distractions, Just
Look Down At Your Watch And
Regain Focus.
Hello, Miss Stewart.
Wait.
No Way Payton's Out This Late.
Okay.
Okay, 10 Minutes To Drive To
Samantha's House...
10 Minutes 'Cause She's Not
Ready Yet...
15 To The Restaurant...
A Hour For Dinner -- No.
Hour And A Half Because Kids Get
Sucky Service...
10 To Drive Samantha Home...
5 Minutes For That Awkward
Moment In The Car...
10 Seconds For The Kiss...
A Minute Of Stalling, Waiting
For The Woody To Go Down, And He
Gets Out Of The Car And Walks
Her To The Door...
Wait.
What If It's A Good Kiss?
What If It's A Couple Kisses?
What If He Gets A Feel?
That Doesn't Add Up.
Ah, Shit!
Time To Call In Special Teams.
[ Speed-DIALING ]
There You Go. Enjoy.
I Took The Initiative Of
Ordering For Both Of Us,
Since...You Were So Busy Talking
To Carrie.
Oh, Yeah.
Isn't She Awesome?
Oh, Yeah!
Oh, Baby
Gimme That Sexy
Yeah
Yeah.
I'm So Hungry.
I Ordered Us Both The Same
Thing -- Grilled Patty Melts, My
Favorite.
[ Muffled ] Mmm!
This Is So Good!
I've Never Had This Before.
[ Muffled ] It's The Grilled
Onions.
It Gives It That Kick.
[ Coughs ]
[ Spits ]
Did -- Did You Just Say
"Onions"?
Grilled Onions -- Lots Of
Them.
Uh-Oh.
What's Wrong?
I'm Allergic To Onions.
[ Stomach Gurgling ]
Wow.
Uh-Oh.
That Must Suck.
I Can't Imagine Not Being Able
To Eat Onions.
I Mean, I Put Them On
Everything.
So, Like, What Happens When You
Eat A Lot?
Do You, Like, Sneeze?
'Cause When I Eat Too Many
Tomatoes, I Sneeze All Day.
Ew! Gross!
Thanks For Driving.
I Have To Admit, That Was The
Most Impressive Display Of
Projectile Vomiting I Have Ever
Seen, Including "The Exorcist,"
And I Have Seen My Share Of
Projectile Vomiting.
I Actually Keep A Journal Of It.
You Keep A Journal, Too?
No.
Oh.
I Just Want To Apologize For
Everything That Happened
Tonight.
You Don't Have To Apologize.
Yes, I Do.
I'm Sorry For Taking You To A
Male Strip Club...
And Knocking You Over And
Parading You Around The Diner
With A Dirty Butt...
And Vomiting On You...
And Talking About Your Breasts
In Front Of Your Parents.
Don't Forget You Copped A
Feel In Front Of Them, Too.
They'll Never Forget That.
Tonight...Was An Unmitigated
Disaster, But...
Well, Look At It This Way --
Our -- Our Second Date Has To Be
Better, Right?
[ Engine Sputtering ]
[ Groans ]
Out Of Gas. Nice Try, Payton.
[ Car Horn Honking ]
Damn It!
I Think My Dad Reported The Car
Stolen To Lojack Again.
Lojack Costs Twice As Much
As This Car's Blue Book Value.
We Just Have To Wait Until
The Cops Show Up, And Then
They'll Call It In As Not
Stolen.
[ Laughs ]
Perfect Ending To The World's
Worst Date.
What Else Could Go Wrong?
Actually, If A Truck Driver
Trying To Make It Cross-Country
Found Out That The Woman He's In
Love With On The Internet Was
Actually A Pimply Faced
16-Year-Old Boy, So He Loads Up
On A Mixture Of Nodoz And
Jack Daniel's, Causing Him To
Temporarily Lose Control Of His
Big Rig, Which Forces Him To
Swerve Into Our Lane, Which
Forces Me To Swerve Into The
Guardrail, Then Through It, Onto
A Cliff As The Car Tumbles End
Over End, Lands Upside Down,
Crushes Us, Catches On Fire, And
We Slowly Bleed And Burn To
Death At The Same Time.
Wow.
[ Police Siren Chirps ]
Put Your Hands On The Wheel
And Do Not Move.
[ Helicopter Blades Whirring ]
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Both Sigh ]
I Didn't Know You Were
Wanted.
I'm So, So Sorry.
[ Sighs ]
Stop Apologizing.
There's No Way You Could Have
Known, And Besides, It's Just A
Court Appearance.
It's Not My First.
You Were Really The One Who
Superglued Mr. Acker's Finger
To His Forehead During Assembly?
That Is So Awesome.
[ Chuckles ]
You're Pretty Cool Yourself.
Not Tonight I Wasn't.
That's What I Like About You.
You're A Dork.
A Loveable Dork.
You're Payton -- Dork!
You Don't Try To Be Cool.
You're Just...You.
That Makes You Cooler Than
Anybody Else.
Well, Not As Cool As Clark.
I Mean, He Does Have The Hottest
Babe In The World.
I Give Up.
[ Seat Belt Clicks ]
Thank You For The Interesting
Night.
I Will Never Forget It.
Okay.
Good Night, Payton.
Good Night.
[ Car Door Closes ]
Whoa.
That Girl's Intense.
I Need Details.
Did You Kiss Her Good Night?
Kind Of.
Okay, It's A "Did Or Didn't"
Situation.
It's Like You Can't Be Kind Of
Pregnant.
Oh, No, She's Not Pregnant.
That Would Be Impossible.
Did You Kiss Her Or Not?
She Kissed Me.
[ Sighs ]
You're Hopeless.
I Wouldn't Be Surprised If She
Didn't Want To See You.
Oh, No.
She Wants To See Me Again.
Really?
Why?
Probably 'Cause I'm A Pretty
Good Kisser.
[ Laughs ]
No, Seriously -- Why?
No, Seriously.
I'm --
I'm A Pretty Good Kisser.
Yeah?
Uh...Wow.
Hi.
Is There, Uh...
[ Clears Throat ]
...Something You Need?
Um...
Oh!
I Was, Um, Thinking Of
Watching The Game Again This
Next Sunday And Was Wondering If
You Had Any Recommendations...
For A Good Place To Watch The
Game...Like...
Um...
...Someplace Fun...
You Know What?
Mm-Hmm?
I'm Gonna Be Watching The
Bears Game With My Kids.
Great.
And You...
Mm-Hmm?
...You Could Probably...
Find A Great Sports Bar In The
Neighborhood.
Uh, Stevie B's Has Hd, Huge
Screen.
You'll Love It.
And They Got Great Ribs There.
U-Uh...Stevie B's?
I Don't Really Know --
Oh, It's A Great Place.
Go, Bears!
Go, Bears.
Go, Bears.
Sports BAR...
Hey, Girls.
Carrie! Hey!
Together: We've Got Spirit!
Yes, We Do!
We've Got Spirit!
How 'Bout You?!
[ Giggles ]
Awesome.
Get Lots Of Sign-Ups, Okay?
Yeah, Definitely!
[ Toilet Flushes ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
Pawn To Rook 4!
Pawn To Rook 4!
Where Were You?
I Was Behind The School.
What Were You Doing There?
Nothing.
Don't Touch My Balls.
Or My Hair.
Or My Hair!
I Can't Believe You Copped A
Feel On The First Date.
W-Were They Pointy?
Pink? Brown?
Round?
Can You See What's Around
Him?
That's Protection.
[ Sighs ]
It's A Thing Of Beauty.
Now If They Could Just Win A
Damn Game.
Could You Imagine, Like,
Spider-Man's Agility And
Quickness And All That Stuff Put
In Bruce Wayne -- Batman?
It'd Be Like The Ultimate...
Ultimate Superhero Of All Time.
It'd Be Pretty Cool.
Totally.
Oh!
One Too Many Vanilla Cokes,
Babe.
I Got To Pee.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Cellphone Vibrating ]
Rolling Hills Dragons Rule!
Waaaahooooow!!
[ Gasps ]
[ Clears Throat ]
[ Giggling ]
Hey, Carrie.
Guess What -- I Have Another
Date Tonight With Samantha.
I'm Gonna Follow All Your
Advice -- Always Open The Door
For Her And...
Compliment Her Shoes...
And Try Not To Be...
Myself?
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.
Both: Uh...Hey, Carrie.
Get Your Geek Stink Breath
Out Of Here, Payton!
[ Both Laugh ]
Dork!
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
Do You Remember When
Rob Liefeld Couldn't Draw Feet?
Oh, My God.
I Thought I Was The Only One Who
Noticed.
Okay, What's The Scariest
Movie You've Ever Seen?
Easy -- "Bride Wars."
Good Answer!
I'm Not Sure What Was Scarier
About That Movie -- The Script,
The Directing, Or Was It The
Acting?
Well, Actually, Wedding
Scenes Kind Of Freak Me Out.
Oh, Afraid Of Getting
Married?
No, But Here's A Scary Fact
For You -- Did You Know That
Nearly Half Of All Marriages
Last Their Entire Lives?
Aah!
What About The Ultimate Line?
I Know!
Is That Ever Gonna Come Out On
Time?
Who Do They Think They Are?
You Know? Frank Miller?
[ Chuckles ]
Speaking Of, Did You See His
"Robocop" Movie?
Uh, Yeah -- He Sold Out
Faster Than A Condom Machine On
Prom Night.
Thank God He Redeemed Himself
With "Sin City," Until He Fell
Back Down With "The Spirit."
What Were They Trying To Do?
Cram All Those Comic Books Into
One Movie?
Worst Adaptation Ever.
"Hell Boy" -- Much Better.
Agreed.
You Are Super-Cool And
Totally Awesome.
Thanks, Guys.
I Had A Great Time Tonight.
Yeah, Me Too.
We Should Do It Again
Sometime.
[ Chuckles Nervously ]
Sure.
I'll, Uh, I'll Call You.
[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
My PARENTS ARE SOUND ASLEEP
UPSTAIRS.
Really?
Probably Shouldn't Wake Them Up.
Good Night.
That's Not What I Mea--
Oh.
What's With The Face?
Wha-- I-I Don't Have A Face
On.
Your Mouth's Open.
Are You Sure That This Is
Your Room?
I Wasn't Always Into Comic
Books.
No?
Uh, Well, You Know, Not Until
This Guy.
Oh, Cool.
Li'l Depressed Boy.
He's So...
Romantic?
...Depressed.
Um...
What?
Hey, Do You Want To See My
Halloween Costume?
Um...
Yeah. Yeah, Yeah.
Halloween Costume -- Yeah,
That's A Good Idea.
I-I Want To See It.
Can't Wait, Actually.
Can't Wait To See It.
Okay.
All Right.
I'm Really...
[ Sighs ]
[ Chuckles ]
What? Does --
Does It Make Me Look Weird?
You Look...Awesome!
Where'd You Get That?
At A Garage Sale For The Fat,
Suicidal Cheerleader.
Like, Picture A Lot More Zombie
Makeup And Blood And Junk For
The Dance.
Yeah -- Zombie Cheerleader.
Awesome.
Yeah, I'm Going As
Brain-Dead.
[ Both Chuckle ]
Oh.
Okay.
Sorry.
Stop APOLOGIZING.
Mm!
What?
[ Laughs ]
Hey, It's Nothing To Be
Embarrassed About.
Oh, God! Oh!
What?
That's Go-Gurt That I Was
Saving...For Later.
Oh!
Strawberry-Banana's My Favorite.
Oh.
Oh, God!
[ Grunts ]
Oh, God. Okay. Aah. Aah.
I Think Your Watch Is In My
Hair.
Ow! Aah! Aah! Okay.
Okay. I'm Gonna Extract It.
[ Footsteps Approaching ]
Uh-Oh.
What's "Uh-Oh"?
It's MY DAD!
It's MY DAD! Come ON!
[ Clears Throat ]
Two Minutes, Young Lady.
Or I'll Be Back With My Shovel.
Don't Worry.
I Haven't Had A Curfew Since I
Started Getting Straight A's In
Eighth Grade.
That's So Awesome.
Yeah, Curfews Are Totally
Lame.
No, That You Get Straight
A's.
Hey, Um...Payton?
I-I Was, Like, Okay, I'm Kind
Of Wondering If...Maybe...You
Would...Um...
Yeah?
Would You Like To Go To The
Halloween Dance With A Zombie
Cheerleader?
Yeah. I -- Okay.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, Yeah.
Things Are Going Great.
Two Dates And Counting.
I'm Getting More Superpowers
By The Day.
Now I Can Talk To Girls, Pee
Standing Up, And Fly.
But Sometimes Even Superheroes
Have Power Failures.
Aaaaaaah!
But I'm Figuring It Out.
Yeah, I'm Juggling Two Girls
Pretty Well.
Now All I Need Is A Costume
For The Halloween Dance.
Okay, We Need To Find
Something For You To Wear.
We Have To Go Shopping.
Shopping!
Shopping!
Let's Go Shopping.
[ Laughs ]
What?
Oh, You Have No Idea.
This Is Where I Wanna,
Ah, Ah, I Wanna Take It
I Think That I Can Take It
I Take It! I Take It!
I Think That I Can Take It
Wow.
This Isn't Really The Type Of
Costume I Had In Mind.
Oh.
What About Something...
Like This?
'Cause You Want It,
I Want It
You Want It, I Want It
You Want It, I Want It
You Want It, I Want It
Ahh!
What The Hell Happened?
Never, Ever, Ever Go Shopping
With A Girl.
Ever.
Oh, Son, I Am So Sorry.
I Feel So Responsible For Not
Having Taught You That Already.
Although, I Did Get To Spend
Two Hours Alone With
Carrie Smith.
So, While My Body Is Bruised And
Beaten, My Spirit Soars To
Heretofore-Undiscovered Heights.
[ Sighs Deeply ]
Son, Men Just Don't...
Wax Poetic?
Well.
First Try This Time.
Okay, Clayton -- Payton!
Dad!
I Didn't Mean Anything By
That.
It Was A -- I Don't Get --
I-I-I Get Everybody's Nam--
I Got So Many Kids' Names To
Remember At School, I --
[ Door Slams ]
[ School Bell Rings ]
[ Theme Music Playing ]
If You're Watching This, Then
You're Trying To Date A Man
Who's Obsessed With Me.
What's His Name?
B-Bronko.
Now, The First Step Is
Understanding His Obsession, So
You Got To Breathe Me In.
Seriously, I Don't Mind.
[ Breathes Deeply ]
It's Okay To Like It.
You Have To Understand, I'm
Dripping With Macho.
I'm An American Icon!
Oh, My.
I'm What The Kids Call A
Baller.
It's No Wonder Your Man Is Into
Me.
In Fact...I Think You're Kind
Of Into Me, Aren't You,
Gorgeous?
[ Giggling ] No, Not Really.
[ Sighs ]
Use Your Man's Affinity For
Me And For The Game Of Football
To Your Advantage.
I'll Say A Phrase, Then You
Repeat It.
Okay.
"Great Game Last Night.
The Way He Found The Tight End
So Deep And Went So Long For
The Touchdown."
"Last Night Was Great...
The Way He Found That Tight End
And Went So Deep And Waited So
Long For The Touchdown."
[ Breathes Deeply ]
Great Job.
Now Grab Your Man And Hit The
Showers.
[ School Bell Rings ]
Hey, Babe.
Hi.
So, The Diner Before Or After
The Halloween Dance This
Saturday?
Yeah, Um...
About The Dance...
[ Chuckles Nervously ]
I Can't -- I Got To Do That...
Thing With Andy, The College
Girl.
You Understand...Right?
Don't Worry About It.
Thanks For Being So
Understanding.
You Are Awesome.
[ Sighs ]
All Right, You Goddamn Dorks,
If I See Any Of These Stickers
On Any Of My Doors Or Anybody
Else's Doors, Your Ass Is Out Of
Class.
Get Moving!
[ Cellphone Chirps ]
"I-N-T-T-Y"?
[ Cellphone Chirps ]
"She's Not Talking To You?"
Are You Not Talking To Me, Too?
[ Cellphone Chirps ]
"No, I'm Still Talking To You."
Then Why Are You Texting Me?
Oh, Yeah. I Forgot.
And Why Are You Not Talking
To Me?
[ Cellphone Chirps ]
You're A Cheerleader, And You
Don't Have A Date To The Dance,
Biyotch!
Hey, Guys.
That Gives Me An Idea!
I Do Need To Be At The
Halloween Dance.
We'll See How Clark Likes It
When I'm Lifting Stuff For
Someone.
I'm Going To Ask Someone Else
To The Dance.
I Could Ask Johnny, But He's
Going With Shirley.
I Could Ask Nick, But He's
Going With Jane.
I Could Ask Max, But He's In A
Wheelchair.
So That Just Leaves One Person.
[ Buzzer ]
I Know I've Been Trying To Set
Him Up With Samantha, But I'm
The Head Cheerleader, And I
Really Need This.
You Want To Go To The Dance
With Me?
But, I Mean, Why -- Why Would
You?
Don't Show Your Face The
Whole Time We're There.
Halloween Dance, Mask --
No Problem.
One More Thing -- No Kiss
Good Night And No Hug Good
Night.
Actually, Don't Touch Me At All.
Well, Except When We're Dancing.
You Get One Slow Dance, And If
Your Hands Come Anywhere Near My
Ass, I'll Punch Your Lights Out.
I Shit You Not.
Whoo!
Whoa-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
Whoa-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
[ Whistling ]
Hey, Samantha.
We Need To Talk About The
Halloween Dance.
Uh...
I Don't Know!
I Don't Know What You See In A
Girl Like Carrie Smith, But You
Being Interested In Her Makes
Me A Lot Less Interested In You.
She Probably Wants You To Do Her
Homework Or Wash Her Car Or Take
Care Of Her Sick Grandmother.
She's Just Using You.
And You're Gonna Let Her Because
You're A Stupid Little Boy Who
Does Stupid-Little-Boy Things,
And I've Had Enough Of Your
Stupid Little Boyness --
You Should Go Right Now Before I
Call You A Stupid Little Boy
Again.
Um...
Just Go!
I Used My Superpowers To Get
Samantha To Like Me.
She Went On A Date With Me --
Well, Two Dates, Actually --
And Then I Used My Mind Control
To Get Clark Away From Carrie.
And Then I Came Flying In, And
Carrie Fell Madly In Love With
Me And Asked Me To The
Halloween Dance With Her.
So Far, Everything Was Going
Exactly According To Plan, So
Why Do I Feel So Lousy About
It?
I Hope He Feels Lousy About
What He's Done.
Stupid Payton.
That's The Last Time I Comb My
Hair For Anyone Or Buy A New
Dress Or Wax My Eyebrow.
Grandma Was Right -- I'm Gonna
Become A Miserable Old Woman
Who Dies Alone, Completely
Unloved.
Every Superhero Eventually
Comes Face-To-Face With His
Nemesis.
I Thought Mine Was Clark Hayes.
I Mean, Doesn't That Just Sound
Like The Name Of A
Supervillain?
But What If My Biggest Nemesis
Was...Myself?
[ Grunts ]
Hey, Babe.
[ Clears Throat ]
Earth To Carrie?
[ Whistles ]
Um...
Hey, I Was Wondering If You
Still Wanted To Go To Dinner
With My Parents Next Week.
I Thought You Had To Lift
Stuff.
She's Busy, So I Can Be With
You.
I'll Call You.
Perfect.
Per-- Yeah.
So, There's This New Move
I'm Thinking About Doing Before
The Football Game, And If We All
Do It, It'll Look Really Cool.
It's Really Easy.
Yes!
Yeah!
You Think?
Yeah!
Totally!
Okay. Okay, I'll Show You.
And Then We Got To Show
Everyone, Okay?
Okay, Yeah. Okay.
So, We'll All Be Lined Up.
And Then We Shimmy Like This.
And Then...
Like That, Okay?
[ Cellphone Vibrating ]
[ Screams ]
It's Stuck!
It's Like They're Glued Or
Something!
[ Shrieking ]
Get It Off! Help Me!
Get It Off! Help Me!
[ Both Giggling ]
[ Screams ]
[ Toilet Flushes ]
Oh, Goddamn --
Give Me The Toilet Paper!
Thank You.
Do You Have A Date To The
Dance?
Uh...Um...I...
Would You Like To Go With Me?
You're Friends With Her,
Aren't You?
You Little Dorks Stick Together,
Right?
Yeah, They Do.
Where's Samantha?
Oh, She's With Miss Stewart.
They Were Gonna Dissect A
Cheerleader's Head To See If
There Was Anything Inside.
O.M.G.!
That Should Not Be Allowed.
Here Are The Rules -- No Kiss
Good Night, No Hug Good Night,
No Thinking About Touching Me At
All, Except For When We're
Dancing.
You Get One Slow Dance, And If
You Try To Get Your Hands
Anywhere Near My Ass, I Will
Punch Your Lights Out.
I Shit You Not.
[ Laughs Nervously ]
No. Unh-Unh.
I Got A Message For
Little Miss Superglue.
Oh, I Don't Know Who You're
Talking About.
Great Idea With Those Pom-Poms!
Now You Won't Forget Where They
Are!
I Was At The Assembly, Okay?
I Saw Mr. Acker Get His Finger
Stuck To His Forehead, Okay?
I Know Samantha Did This.
Do You Think I'm Stupid?
No.
Crazy, Maybe.
Tell Samantha This Isn't
Over.
Pardon, Ladies.
Carrie!
I-It's Payton!
Why Are You Dressed Like
Jack Skellington?
I'm Li'l Depressed Boy --
You Know, Because I'm Depressed.
Who Are You Supposed To Be?
I'm Little Miss Superglue.
[ Rock Music Playing ]
I'm Gonna Go Get Some Punch.
Hey, Carrie.
Hey.
You Look So...
That's, Like, Totally Original.
So Hot.
[ Laughs ]
I Really Do Like Your Eyebrow.
I Don't.
It's Hairy, And It's Just One.
Hey!
Aah!
Dad! Come On!
[ Chuckling ]
Well, Son, I Hope Nobody Breaks
Any Rules Tonight.
'Cause, You Know, Mike Ditka
Could Never Suffer The Likes Of
Rule Breakers.
Dad, Do You Have To Dress
Like Ditka...
Every Year?
[ Scoffs ]
Nice Shirt.
[ Giggling ] Thanks!
Who Are You Supposed To Be?
Well, She's Obviously A Slut!
Yeah!
I, Like, Totally Dressed As
Carrie Smith!
[ Giggles ]
[ Rock Music Playing ]
Dude, That Is So Wrong On So
Many Levels.
On Fire! On Fire!
The King Of Pop Is On Fire!
Are You Li'l Depressed Boy?
That's My Favorite Webcomic
Character.
This Costume Took Me Forever
To Make.
Payton.
You Look...Really Nice,
Samantha.
Of Course.
Of Course You'd Like The Way I
Look.
I'm Dressed As Carrie.
No!
No, That's Not What I Meant!
Swine Flu?! Swine Flu?!
What About This Makes You Think
I'm Swine Flu?!
Chester?!
You're Here With Chester?!
Enjoy The Party, Payton.
[ Sighs ]
[ Giggles ]
What's Up, Jack Skellington?
I Already Told You, I'm
Li'l Depressed Boy.
Boy, Are You.
So, Where Is Your Slut?
Okay, Listen.
I Don't Care What You Say About
Me, But Don't You Dare Badmouth
Samantha, Okay?
Whoa!
Back Off, Li'l Repressed Boy.
If You Care So Much About Her,
Why Don't You Do Something About
It?
I Did.
I Did Everything You Told Me,
And I Still Managed To Screw It
Up.
Look, You're Poised And
Beautiful And Sexy And
Well-Dressed, And Every Boy
Wants To Be With You, And Every
Girl Wants To Be You.
And That's Easy To Fall For.
But What Really Matters Is What
Samantha Has.
She Has A Beautiful Soul.
Now Go Away So I Can Get A Drink
Of Water.
[ Sighs ]
Ow.
[ Dance Music Playing ]
All Right, Everybody, Let's
Boogie.
Hey!
[ Chuckles ]
Super Mario?
No.
Luigi?
[ Chuckling ] No!
Ditka!
[ Deep VOICE ] I'm Mike Ditka.
[ Normal VOICE ] Ditka.
[ Chuckles ]
Samantha?
Can We Talk?
No! Sss!
Don't...Talk.
Wait.
Do I...Have A...
Beautiful Soul?
Yeah. I Mean...Sure.
Whatever.
[ Slow Music Playing ]
Perfect Time For Your Slow
Song, Date.
Okay. Yeah.
Slow Dance?
I Promised You One.
Payton...Thanks.
For What?
For Being Payton.
I'm So Glad We're Friends.
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
That Was The Kiss I'd Been
Waiting For My Whole Life.
You're Super-Cool And Totally
Awesome.
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]
Samantha's The Girl For Me.
I'm Such A Dork.
I Need To Tell You Something --
About Clark.
Go To The Comic-Book Shop
Tomorrow At 5:00, Okay?
Why?
Just Trust Me On This.
Hey, Samantha.
Wrong Girl, Man.
[ Groans ]
You Call That A Hit?!
My Nana Can Hit Harder Than
That!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Football Announcer Talking ]
Nothing?
You're Not Gonna Chide Me For My
Improper Parental Technique?
All Right, What's Wrong?
Oh, Look, I Know It's Football,
But I've Never Seen You This
Down.
You Don't Understand At All.
All Right.
So...
You Started Off With The Hots
For This Carrie Girl.
She Wanted To Play Matchmaker,
And You Had Hope That All The
Time You Spent With Her, She
Would Like You Back.
But Then You Realize You Really
Connect To This Samantha, And
Because You Don't Have
Experience In This World, You
Muck It All Up?
Muck! Muck! Muck! Muck!
[ Giggles ]
Watch, Watch, Watch, Watch.
You Know, Son, If You Had Some
Questions, You Could Have Come
To Me.
Heck, We're Both Out There In
The Dating World.
Maybe You Could Have Given Me A
Tip Or Two.
Son, All I Know Is, If I Were
You Right Now, I Would Need To
Prove To This Girl -- This
Samantha Girl -- That She Means
More To Me Than Anything In The
World, More Than This Carrie
Chick, More Than The Respect Of
Your Classmates, And, Yes, Even
More Than The Mighty
Chicago Bears.
[ Giggles ]
Hey, That's What You Got To
Do, Whether You Want To Believe
It Or Not.
Now, If You Want To Go Figure It
Out, I Officially Excuse You
From Family Football Sunday.
Oh, Wait.
If You Are Really Determined
And Willing To Pay The Price,
You Can Get It Done.
Ditka?
What Makes You Think All The
Advice I Give You Is --
Yeah. Ditka. It's Ditka.
Longest Conversation We've Had.
So, Let's Really Think About
This, Andy.
No Way Batman's A Dork.
Robin Number 1, He Dated
Starfire, Right?
And Robin Number 3 Had This
Little Thing Going On With The
Spoiler.
I Didn't Know You Like Comic
Books.
Yeah, I Like Comic Books.
Shh.
So, Next Time, Can I Get --
Do You Think I Could Play
Superman?
No, You Can't Play Superman.
Oh, Really?
Then Look At This.
Whoo!
[ Talking Excitedly ]
You Ready, Kiddo?
Hi, Mrs. Gardner.
Hey.
Same Time Next Week?
Yeah, Definitely.
Okay.
Ah.
Say "Thank You," Andy.
Thank You.
High Five!
You Ready?
Ready.
See Ya.
Thanks.
Did You Have Fun?
Do You Like Clark?
[ Talking Indistinctly ]
That Was Even Funner.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, You're Really Gonna
Enjoy These.
That'll Be $38 Even.
Thanks.
Thank You. Come Again.
Did You Know About Andy?
Sure.
Clark And Andy Come In Here All
The Time.
[ Sighs ]
Why Would He Hide This From Me?
He's Captain Of The Football
Team.
He Doesn't Want Anyone To Think
He's Uncool.
But I'm His Girlfriend.
Exactly -- He Especially
Doesn't Want His Girlfriend To
Think He's Uncool.
[ Sighs ]
I Need To Talk To You About
Payton.
My Whole Life, I Was Worried
About "What's The Worst That
Can Happen?"
But Now I Was Living It.
I Had Lost Samantha.
There Was Nothing Left To Be
Scared Of, 'Cause It Couldn't
Get Any Worse.
This Whole Time, I Was
Listening To Carrie's Advice --
How To Dress, How To Act, How
To Get A Reach-Around.
But It Was Time To Stop Doing
What She Wanted Me To Do And
Start Doing What I Wanted.
If I'm Really A Superhero, I'm
Gonna Have To Prove It.
I Just Need One More Brilliant
Plan To Woo Samantha.
So, Everything -- Everything
Involving You Was Part Of A
Brilliant Plan To Woo Me?
Yes!
Payton's Not Just A Dork -- He's
An Idiot.
You Make The Boy Stupid.
If That's Not Love, I Don't Know
What Is.
Stop.
Don't Say Anything.
Look, I Understand What You See
In Chester, Okay?
Yeah, He's President Of The
Chess Club And His Handwriting's
Impeccable And He's Got Really,
Really, Really Great Hair.
But -- But I'm Not That Guy,
Okay?
No. Samantha.
But I'm Just The Guy Who's --
Who's Gonna Do This!
[ Students Screaming ]
Everybody, Get Down!
Is That A Turnip?
No, It's An Onion.
No Outside Food!
Well, It Looks Like A Turnip.
It's An Onion!
Pbht!
An Onion? Lame!
Shut Up! This Is So Romantic!
Yes, I Am Holding A Very
Large Onion In My Right Hand,
But That Is Only Because If You,
Samantha Gibson, Do Not Give Me
A Second Chance, Then...
Then I'm Gonna Have To Eat This
Right Here In Front Of
Everybody!
And If You Don't Go Out With
Me, I'm Gonna Eat This Corn Dog.
[ Laughter ]
No, And If You Don't Give Me
Another Chance, I'm Just Gonna
Finish My Fruit Cup.
He's Allergic To Onions.
He Could Become Violently Ill Or
Even Die!
Cool.
I Hope She Says No.
I'd Really Like To See That.
Son!
Dad.
Son, What Are You Doing Up
There?
That's Samantha.
Oh.
Hi.
H-Hi, Coach Bronko.
How You Doin'?
I'm Okay.
I'm Gonna Eat This Onion!
Son, You're Allergic To
Onions!
I Know!
Eat It! Eat It! Eat It!
No, There's Nothing That's
Stopping Me Now -- Not Unless I
Hear Something From Samantha
About It, But...
Payton.
...I Don't Hear Anything...
Payton?
...So It's Getting Really --
Payton!
What?
You Had Me At "I Have A Very
Large Onion."
[ Chuckles ]
[ Crowd Groaning ]
[ Squeals ]
[ Both Gasp ]
Dork Love Is In The Air!
Oww!
Kiss Me So You Can't Say
Anything Else Stupid.
You Know, This Is A Blatant
Violation Of The School's
"Public Displays Of Affection"
Ban.
I'll Tell You What.
What?
If You Forget About What You
Just Saw, I Won't Bring Up Your
Last Little Visit To The
Thunder From Down Under At The
Next Faculty Meeting.
I'll Tell You What.
How About We Just Forget
Everything And You Take Me Out
To Dinner This Weekend?
Well, I-I...
How 'Bout Saturday Night?
Sounds Good.
Oh, Great.
Just So You Know -- Doing
Things Quickly Is Not A Trait
Women Are Always Looking For In
A Man, If You Get My Drift.
[ Giggles ]
Wow!
This Is Kicking Taco Day's Ass.
I Am Awesome.
Yeah. Yeah, You Are.
You Are One Loveable Dork,
Payton.
High School's Awesome!
[ Giggles ]
I Got The Girl, I Got The
Respect Of My Classmates, And
Even My Dad Was Happy For Me.
I Guess In The End, He Was
Right.
I Mean, You're Never A Loser
Until You Quit Trying.
And If You Know What You Want,
Even If It's Not The Same Thing
You Thought You Wanted At The
Beginning, Why Not Keep Trying
For It?
So, That's My Story.
And Somewhere Along The Way, I
Realized That There Are A Lot
Of Other Dorks Out There Just
Like Me.
[ Laughter ]
And They Might Also Want To
Know Some Of My Secrets.
You're Probably Gonna Be A
Teen Mom.
Besides, Dorks Are "In" Right
Now.
This Whole Time That I Was
Trying To Be A Superhero, I
Guess I Really Just Needed To
Be...Myself.
I Mean, What's The Worst That
Can Happen?
Well, I Mean, The '85 Bears
Were The Best Chicago Football
Team Ever, And It Was Because --
They Were Amazing.
Mike Ditka.
Uh-Huh.
He Brought Them To The
Super Bowl.
Hey And Hello, Everybody.
Welcome To Ditka's.
Hello, Mr. Ditka.
How's The Food?
Really Good.
It's Really Delicious.
It's The Onion That Gives It
That Little Kick.
[ Choking, Coughing ]
[ The Features' "Lions" Plays ]
You May Find Yourself
Angry At The Things I Do
Things I Put You Through
Hope You're Able To
Forgive Me Like I Forgive You
I Forgive You
[ Gasps ]
Mmm. Snickers.
Aw, Come Here, Big Boy!
Can I Have A Little Bit Of
Your Stuff?
Oh, My God!
Oh, My God.
No, It's All Right.
No, Y-- It Was -- It Was --
Don't Worry About It.
It Was In The Way.
Not Even Lions
Can Tear Us Apart
[ Guitar Solo ]
Let's Stick Together
Let's Follow Our Hearts
Not Even Lions
Can Tear Us Apart
Oh, Girl,
What Are You Thinking?
[ Far As Hell's "Finally Here"
Plays ]
It Started Out
With Some Loud Shouts
As We Ran Around And Around
I Saw You There
With Your Long Blond Hair
I Would Have Never Guessed
I'd Meet You Here
If Dreams Come True,
I'll Come Talk To You
When I'm Up Here,
It All Becomes So Clear
You Look So Cute
Doing That Move You Do
I Can't Believe
I'm Finally Here
Our Eyes, They Lock
As The Band Rocks
Should I Try My Luck
With You?
I Can't Believe
I'm Finally Here
I Can't Believe
I'm Finally Here
I Can't Believe...
You Know, If You Were A
Burger At Mcdonald's, You'd Be
Called A "Mcgorgeous."
Dollar Menu, Probably. Yeah.