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The Secret Lives of Dorks (2013)
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[ School Bell Rings ] Hey, There... Hot Stuff. If I Could Rearrange The Alphabet, I Would Put "I" And "U" [YOU] Together. Yeah? Hello. Are You Taking Any Applications For A Boyfriend? A-Are You A Parking Ticket? What? You -- 'Cause -- 'Cause You Got -- You Got "Fine" Written All Over You. Oh. That's Okay. Oh. That's Okay. A-Are You Sunburned, Or Are You -- Are You Always This Hot? Tsss! Oh. This One's Good. I Wish You Were A Dsl So I Could Have High-Speed Access. Yeah. Thought Of That One. All Right. All: D-R-A-G-O-N-S! Go, Dragons, Go! Whoo! Okay, Now, That Was Unnecessary. Hey. Dirt Girl. See That Trash? You Need To Pick It Up. Do You Believe In Love At First Sight... [ Chuckles ] ...Or Should I Just Walk By Again? [ Laughs ] Is There An Airport Nearby, Or Is That Just My Heart Taking Off? Are You From Tennessee? Because You're The Only Ten That I See. Ugh. Do You Have A Raisin? No? How 'Bout A Date? Your Name Must Be Lucky Charms, Because You Are Magically Delicious. [ Chuckles ] I Do Like Lucky Charms. I-I Really Hope You Have A License, Because You're Driving Me Crazy. Oh! Oh!Y. Did You Fart? Because You Blow Me Away. [ Blows ] [ Car Horn Blares ] Hey! Out Of The Way, Dork Face. And Have My Friggin' Homework Done By Second Period. Peace. She's The Most Hottest Babe In Our Class. She Has Been Since The Eighth Grade. She's Hotter Than The Center Of The Most Glorious Firework Exploding In The 4TH Of July Night Sky. Come Find Me. Yo! Look, Dude, Clark's Gone. Now's The Perfect Time To Talk To Her. Are You Crazy? He'll Smash Me. Look, Now's Your Chance. You Can Do It. Carrie! What? I'm Payton. I've Always Been A Dork. I've Always Been More Interested In Comic Books Than In Sports. And Despite How Hard My Dad Tried To Make Me One, I've Never Been A Jock. Ow. Ow. My Comic Book Starts Here. See That Handsome Devil? Yeah, That's Me. And Next To Me, That's The Girl I'm Gonna Marry Someday -- Carrie Smith. She Was Perfect -- The Mary Jane To My Spider-Man, The Lois Lane To My Clark Kent, The Princess To My Mario. Of Course, There's Always Something In The Way, Some Thing Called Clark Hayes. He Was Bigger Than Me And Better-Looking Than Me -- In The Traditional, Handsome Sort Of Way, If You're Into That. If I'm Gonna Defeat Him And Make Senior Year Different Than Every Other Year, I'm Gonna Have To Become A Superhero. I Need The Amazing, Incredible, Extraordinary Power To... Talk To Her. Your Hair! My Hair? Your Light Looks Very Beautiful In That Hair. What? No. That's Really Wrong. Y-Your Hair Is, Uh... Oh. [ Sighs ] Here We Go Again. It's Like Every Year, He Forgets I'm A Cheerleader. Ew. Gross. He's Been Trying To Get Into My Panties Since They Were Diapers. Can't He See The Uniform That I Wear Every Day? It Means "Keep Off." Unless You're A Jock Or Iron Man. He's So Hot. No! Wait! Carrie! That's...Not What I Meant. [ Gasps ] Oh! [ Laughter ] You... You Are Not Gonna Ruin Senior Year For Me! [ Scoffs ] [ Whimpers ] Five Minutes In, And I've Already Managed To Screw Things Up! Cupcakes Were My Surefire Way To Win Over The Teachers. Operation Brownnose Is A Fail! Good Cupcakes, Though. Chocolate -- My Favorite. W-Where'd You -- Mm. Did Y-- Did You Just Get That...? What? Come On. [ School Bell Rings ] Where's That Nerd Girl With My Cupcake? Hello? All Right, Boys, Come On. Shake A Leg. Let's Go. Payton, Come On. Get Dressed. Wrestling Starts Today. I Don't Think That's A Good Idea. [ Sighs ] [ Sighs ] What Now, Payton? Every Time We Wrestle In Gym Class, I Get A Bloody Nose. I Think You're Exaggerating, Payton. No. No, I'm Not. I Keep Track Of It In My Journal. [ Chuckling ] Journal? No One Keeps A Journal. Let's Go. Come On. Come On. In The Office. In The Office. Let's Go. Come On! Get Ready! Son, Son, Son. Dad...Dad...Dad. Payton, What Have I Always Said? Men Don't... Cry, Pee Sitting Down, Ask For Directions, Talk About Your Feelings, Talk About Your Weight, Shave Your Pubic Hair, Drive A Miata, Cuddle After Sex, Own A Pug, Wear Pink, Think The Packers Are A Real Team, Listen To Show Tunes, And... Wipe More Than Once. Done. Men...Don't Talk About Journals... AROUND OTHER MEN. No, You Never Told Me That. It's Understood! You Don't Have To Say It! It's Implied! Come On. Get Dressed For Wrestling. Let's Go. Dad. Bloody Nose. Son, What's The Worst That Can Happen? Okay, The Bloody Nose Is A Given, But Then I Lose So Much Blood That I Pass Out. I Miss A Pop Quiz In Math Class And End Up Failing Because Of It, And My Dreams Of Going To College Are Forever Ruined. So I Work At A Gas Station, But They Won't Let Me Run The Register Because They Know That I Failed Math Class, So They Put Me On A Night Shift, And A Crazed Drug Addict Attempts To Rob Me This One Night To Feed His Heroin Addiction, But Since I Can't Work The Cash Register, He Shoots Me And He Kills Me Dead. [ Grunts ] See? You Didn't Pass Out. Ow. Ow. Ow. [ Laughter ] Okay, Girls. From The Top. Ready? Together: Okay! Whoo! Let's Go! In The Center Of A Paramecium, That Is Where All The Eating Takes Place. [ School Bell Rings ] All Right. That's Biology For Today. Don't Forget Pages 49 Through Where Do You Think You're Going, Payton? Do You Need To Talk To Me? I Was Worried About You, Payton. You Seemed...Distracted In Class Today. Is It Because Your Dad Has A New Girlfriend? [ Scoffs ] My Dad Has A New Girlfriend? Mm-Mnh-Mm. Word Around The Water Cooler Was That He Had A Date. I Don't Know What You're Talking About. There's No One Special In His Life? He Would Tell You If There Was Something Serious Going On, Wouldn't He? Yeah, I Don't Know. So, There's Nobody New In His Life? I Don't Know. So You Don't Know. You Don't Know. What Do You Know? My Dad Only Has Room For Me, Gale, And Ditka. Ditka. Is That That Ukrainian Supermodel? No! No, It's The Former Head Coach Of The Bears. Oh! [ Laughing ] Ditka. Right. [ Chuckles ] [ Inhales Deeply ] Okay. Well... That Will Be All. Okay. [ Chuckles ] [ Chuckling ] Ditka. Wow. Good Reviews. Okay, Coach. You Can Learn A Lot From Watching Football. [ Chuckles ] Amen. And Parenting, That's A Lot Like Coaching. Don't I Know It. Now, I Know Two Things For Certain -- Life Is Hard And It's Not Always Fair, But It Beats The Hell Out Of The Alternative. You've Got To Get Your Son In The Game, You Got To Get Him Motivated, And You Got To Get Him To Finish. I Can Do That, Coach. Maybe Your Son's A Dork. Maybe He's A Little Bit More Into Comic Books Than He Is Girls. It's Like You're Looking Into My Very Soul, Coach. You Can Still Guide Them To Be The Best Dork They Can Be. Now, Go Out There And Give Him Hell. And Remember -- Go, Bears! Go, Bears! Go, Bears. Oh. Looking At Porn, Dork? What Do You Want, Clark? To Kick Your Ass. [ Chuckles ] What Else? Boo! Actually, I Need Your Help. I'm Already Doing Your Math Homework And Your Biology Essay. This Is Different. This Is Important, Okay? I Need You To Teach Me Everything You Know About... Comic Books. Why? Y-You Don't Need To Know About That. Okay, Fine. Meet After School At The Comic-Book Shop. [ Sighs ] I'll Have To Bring Carrie. I'm All About The Sexy Ah, Yeah Uh, Uh Ah, Yeah I'm All About The Sexy Ah, Yeah Come Closer, Payton. Well, I Mean...I Guess I-If You L-- If You Have To Bring Her, Then, You Know, I Guess... I Guess It's All Right. And She Can't Find Out About This. I Guess You Could Tell Her The School's Cracking Down On Cheating And I Have To Pass You Your Homework Inside Comic Books. What -- And She'll Believe That? If You Tell Her It Was My Idea, She Will. [ Chuckles ] Cool. All Right. Dorks. Who Would You Rather Do? Oh, My Favorite Game. An Adam Hughes Girl Or A Dave Stevens Girl? Oh, Well, I'm Surprised By The Question. Because Why? Well, Because I Thought It Was Going To Be This Super Heroine Or That Super Heroine. My Question Is Tres Crafty. I Think The Stevens Women Are A Bit More Subtle. You Know, Like, I Want To Marry A Stevens Girl. Well, Then You're A Fool, Payton. I Would Make Sweet Love To An Adam Hughes Drawing. I Mean, Not Even One Come To Life -- I Mean The Actual Drawing. Hmm. Don't Worry. You Know I Always Use Protection. [ Chuckles ] [ Sighs ] This Girl Razor Is... Quite Fetching. Be Gentle. I'm Still Mint. [ Sighs Deeply ] Now You've Done It. [ Gasps ] Oh, No. Ollie, I'm Sorry. I Know You Have Dibs On Razor. And You Say That You're My Friend? No Hard Feelings. I'll Give You My Claim To Night Nurse. Not Good Enough! Uh, Excuse Me, Sir. Is This Where One Might Find Information On...Comic Books? Oh, Hey, Clark. Nice Jacket. Oh, Wow. It's Carrie In A Comic-Book Shop? Could My Day Be Any More Awesome? Oh, God. He's Looking At Me. I Got To Get Him To Stop Drooling All Over Me. Hey, Carrie. Hey, Carrie. Hey, Carrie. [ Record Scratches ] Hey, Man, Nobody Knows We're Here, Right? Have You Ever Danced With The Devil By The Pale Moonlight? What Is That, Comic-Book Lingo? 'Cause I Never Read Any. He's Making Fun Of You, Dumb Ass. Here. These Are Good To Start With. "Spider-Man"? [ Scoffs ] Saw The Movie. Don't Need To Read This One. Actually, The Comic Book Is Completely Different From The Movie. Whatever. Let's Go. Hi, Payton. Have You Ever Checked Out "Li'l Depressed Boy"? It's My Favorite Webcomic Series. It's About A Shy Guy Who Has A Hard Time Talking To Girls. Webcomics Are For People Who Can't Get Dates. All Comics Are For People Who Can't Get Dates. I Bet Payton Could Get A Date. Uh, The Entire Romero Saga Is Playing At The Tivoli This Weekend -- "Night Of The Living Dead," "Dawn Of The Dead," "Day Of The Dead," "Land Of The Dead," And "Diary Of The Dead." [ Chuckles ] That's A Lot Of Hot Zombie Action. Well, I Don't Know Anyone Who Wants To Go, And I Don't Want To Go Alone. Really? Because I Also Want To Go, And I Don't Have Anyone To Go With. That Sucks. I Guess We'll Both Miss It. Hey, Carrie, Do You Like Zombies? [ Scoffs ] What A Dork. Hey! They're A Perfect Pair! This Is Just Like Newton's First Law -- An Object At Rest Will Stay At Rest, And An Object In Motion Will Not Change Its Velocity Unless An Unbalanced Force Acts Upon Them. So If Payton Is The Object At Rest And Samantha Is The Object In Motion And I'm The Unbalanced Force, Then All I Have To Do Is To Get Them Traveling Toward Each Other And Then Collide, And Then Presto! Dork Love. And Payton -- Well, Payton Leaves Me Alone. Go, Bears! That's My Girl. You Should Probably Teach Her How To Say Other Things At Some Point. Oh, Come On. She Knows Other Stuff. You Know She Actually Speaks At A Right-Tackle Level? Come On. Watch The Game, Or I'll Make You Run Laps. Okay. Okay, Okay. Catch It. Catch It. Catch It! Yes! Run That Shit! Gale! What? Dad! What? Gale Just Said "Shit"! While Watching A Game. She's 6! Oh, Come On. She's Not Too Young To Learn How To Properly Watch Football. This Is Why She Needs A Woman Figure In Her Life. [ Chuckling ] Come On. You Did Okay Without One. Great. Thanks. What? I Didn't Mean Anything. [ Door Slams ] Okay, Let's Watch That Catch Again. You See That? Mm-Hmm. See The Quarterback In The Pocket? Mm-Hmm. You See All That Protection Around Him? Uh-Huh. You Know What That's Called? Good Shit. Good Shit. [ Giggles ] Okay, First Step In My Master Plan -- Find Payton. I'm Gonna Have To Be Nice To Him If This Is Gonna Work. You're Paranoid. You Like Dark, Hidden Places Where You Know You'll Be Alone, Where No One Can Torment Or Torture You. What Are You, A Psychotherapist? [ Clank ] Ow! I Saw It On "Dr. Phil." He Did This Whole Thing On It Last Thursday. Pfft! I'm Not Paranoid, Okay? I Just Like It Here. You're Paranoid When It Comes To Girls. That's For Sure. What? You're Too Scared To Ask A Girl Out Who's Standing Right In Front Of You, Begging To Be Asked. What Are You Trying To Say? Come Here, Baby, Ah Come Here, Baby, Ah Come Here, Baby, Ah [ Scoffs ] Samantha's Sweet, Nice. Most Importantly, She's Into You. Samantha? [ Growls ] H-Hi, Payton. Hi. Hey, Payton. Hi. Hi, Payton. You Don't Want To Go Out With Her. Don't Listen To Him. She's A Great Catch For A Guy Like You. Girls Aren't Interested In Me. They Just Want To Be My Friend. Hey, Do You Have Any "Batman" Or "Superman" Books? I Want Some Of Those. Look, It's No Big Deal If You're Too Scared To Ask A Girl Out. What, Did Dr. Phil Also Do A Show On Reverse Psychology? Last Monday. Why? I'm Not Gonna Ask Her Out, Okay? Good Call. She's Got No Tits And A Big Ass. It's The Worst Combination. Seriously -- You Got To Ask Her Out. What's The Worst That Could Happen? Well, She And All Her Friends Could Laugh At Me In The Hallway In Front Of The Whole School, Scarring Me For Life, Destroying My Self-Esteem To The Point Where I Have No Nerve To Ask Another Girl Out As Long As I Live, And I Become A Miserable, Lonely Old Man Who Dies Alone, Completely Unloved. This Is Gonna Be Harder Than I Thought. [ Sighs ] [ Stopwatch Ticking ] [ Stopwatch Beeps ] Come On. Bronko. Hi. Hey. Great, Um, Great Bears Game Last Sunday, Huh? Oh, Yeah, Yeah. Yeah. Well, Except In The Third Quarter, When They Were Up Against A Cover 2 Zone. They Tried To Run A Tackle Left. Oh. Are You Kidding Me?! Everybody Knows When You're In That Situation, You Run A Post Pattern For An Easy Touchdown There, Right? Right. Yeah. Right?! Yeah, Right. That's Crazy. Crazy. I Mean, In A Cover 2 Zone Situation, Everybody Knows You Got To Run A Post Pattern. Even You Know! I Know That, And I'm Not Even A Coach! I Know. Kills Me. Yeah. Hey, You Know, I Was Looking For A Good Place To Watch The Game This Sunday, And I Was Wondering -- Do You Know Any Good Places, Any... Recommendations? [ Exhales Deeply ] I, Uh... Well, Uh... Not Really. [ School Bell Rings ] [ Indistinct Conversations ] Stay On The Pavement, Fellas. Yeah, You Heard Me, Smirk Face. Took Me All Night. Wow. Nice Balls. Dude, They Got You Again. [ Chime Tone Plays ] "Let Me Teach You A Few Things About Girls." You Know That Line In "Hamlet," "To Thine Ownself Be True"? Lesson 1 -- Don't Do That. Lesson 2 -- Compliments Are Good. Over-Complimenting Shows Desperation. Women Sense Desperation Like Dogs Sense Fear. [ Chomps ] Or Food. [ Chuckles ] I'm Not Sure Which. Lesson 3 -- Really Don't Be Yourself. Can't Stress This Enough. Carrie's Shirt Is Way Boobalicious. No, Seriously. Way Boobalicious. Boobalicious? Really? She's A Person With Feelings, You Know. I'd Love To Be Feeling All Up In Her And Shit. Don't Hate The Playa, Home-Diggity. [ Chime Tone Plays ] Rolling Hills Dragons Rule, Baby! Waaahooooow!! Lesson 4 -- Pay No Attention To Clark. Pay Attention To Things Like... Her Nail Polish. Girls Like When You Notice That Sort Of Thing. And Lesson 5 -- Possibly The Most Important Lesson You'll Get From Me. Always Tell Hot Girls They're Smart And Smart Girls They're Hot. Okay. Payton. [ Smooches ] Payton. This One Is So Good. What You Guys Watching? Football. But It's Wednesday. They Don't Have Football On Wednesday. Oh, Yeah. Uh, This Is One From The, Uh, '85 Season. Super Bowl Game? No. Championship Game? No. Look -- The Fog Bowl. Fog Just Came In. It Looks Like They're Playing On Mount Olympus. You Need Help, Dad. Well, I Think It's Important That Gale Has A Sense Of History. Go, Bears! That's My Girl. Hey, You Know, You Could Sit Down And Watch With Us, You Know, Like A Family. Families Do More Than Just Watch Football Together. It Wasn't Like This Before Mom Died. Okay. Just Don't Say Her Name. I Didn't Mention Her Name. I Said "Mom." Why Can't We Talk About Her? You Know -- You Know, Parenting Is More Than Just Learning About Football. You Know What? You Can Learn A Lot Watching Football. Like Mike Ditka Says, "If Things Came Easy, Then Everybody Would Be Good At What They Did." Okay, Dad. All Right. And We Watch... Movies, You Know? Right. Because "Snakes On A Plane" Is Appropriate For A 6-Year-Old. Stay Black! S-Stay Black. Easy. See? I'm Gonna Be In My Room. All Right. Fine. It Was Clear I Could Not Go To My Dad About This Kind Of Thing, But It's Okay, Because Most Superheroes' Dads Are Dead Anyway. If I Use My Superpowers To Get Samantha To Like Me, Then She'll Go On A Date With Me, And I'll Use My Mind Control To Tell Carrie That Clark's In Trouble, And She'll Come Rushing To His Rescue, But She'll Get Trapped In That Alley On Fourth And Western Where The Bums Beat Up Cheerleaders, And I'll Come Flying In And Save Her By Using Samantha As A Shield. Carrie Will Fall Madly In Love With Me And Go To The Halloween Dance With Me. Then We'll Get Married And Have Superbabies That All Have My Awesome Powers And Use Them Mostly For Good. And We'll Be The Ultimate Crime-Fighting Family! [ School Bell Rings ] Did You See Their Uniforms? Ah! They Were Gorgeous. Brilliant Cut, Brilliant Design, And So Little Color Choices To Choose From. Sure, The Nazis Were Jackbooted Thugs Who Wanted To Take Over The World, But, Well... They Looked Fabulous Doing It. [ Applause ] Thank You, Ollie And Carrie. Interesting Angle, But Very Well Argued. It's A Close Call, But I Think I'm Going To Have To Award It To... Carrie. Oh! You Pick The Next Pair. [ Applause ] Okay. How About Payton And... Samantha? Payton And Samantha, Will You Please Step Up To The Podium? Your Topic Is... Baby-Seal Hunting. Payton For, And Samantha Against. Well, Most People Would Argue That Baby-Seal Hunters Need To Make A Living, But My Argument Is Much More Basic. Have You Ever Seen A Baby Seal's Face? They Just Have This Expression That Says... [ High-PITCHED ] "Beat Me. Club Me. Smash My Brains In. Please." [ Class Murmuring, Booing ] [ Normal VOICE ] I Mean, They're Practically Begging For A Clubbing. [ Murmuring, Booing Continue ] Payton, Has Anyone Ever Told You You Look Exactly Like A Baby Seal? [ Laughter ] [ School Bell Rings ] Thank You, Payton And Samantha. We'll Finish It Later. All Right, Kids. Walk, Don't Run. [ Indistinct Conversations ] I Love Your Nail Polish. I'm Not Wearing Any. Uh, Look, I'm -- I'm Sorry About That Burn. It Was The First Thing That Came Into My Mind. To Be Honest, You Don't Really Look Like A Baby Seal. Although, You're Both Pretty Cute. Uh, So... So... I, Um... I Had Something Pretty Important That I Need To Ask You, Samantha. Yeah? Uh, So... Yeah, Payton? Do You Like The New Rob Zombie Flick? I Thought It Was Pretty Good. I'll Talk To You Later, Payton. Payton, Have You Finished That Extra-Credit Family History I Asked For? Oh. Yeah. Mm. Here. Although, I'm Not Really Sure Why The School Needs To Know That My Dad Loves Pia Coladas But Doesn't Like Getting Caught In The Rain. Oh. Boxer Briefs. Surprising Choice, But Impressive. Can I Have My Phone? I Tried Asking Her Out. If You Don't Ask Her Out By Tomorrow, You're A Lost Cause, And I Don't Work With Lost Causes. Tomorrow? [ Sighs ] I Know Exactly What's Gonna Happen. Hello, Samantha. Just Wondering If You Wanted To Rock The Hizzy With Tickle Attack. That's My Guitar Hero Cover Band With Ollie And Chester. I'll Text Her -- Later Tonight. Wow! You're So Romantic. Oh. Well, I Mean... Call Her. On The Phone? Yes! Hey, Carrie. What's Up, Girls? Ohhh! Were You Two Up Here Making Out? Yes. Nice. [ Both Squeal ] Are You Gonna Have Babies? What Are You Guys Doing Here? Oh, We're Hiding From... Ollie. Hey, Girl. What's Up? Hey, Girl. Hey, Girl. Hey, Girl. In The Library? Bad Plan. Oh, My God. Is This A Library? Y-You're Probably Right. We Should Go. We Should Go. Definitely Go. Let's Go. Gross. Okay, So, I Ran The Numbers, And I Think It's A Better Use Of My Time -- Oh! I Totally Forgot -- I'm Loving The Top, Girl! Thanks. Mm-Hmm! Thanks. See Ya. Okay. Bye. Bye. Okay. So, You're Going To Call Her, Right? Well, Actually, I've Kind Of Been Working On These Pretty Excellent Pickup Lines. No Pickup Lines -- Ever. But They're Really, Really Good. Don't You Realize Any Girl With Half A Brain Hates Pickup Lines? Just -- Just Pretend That You're Samantha, Okay? [ Chuckles ] Yeah, Carrie. Pretend You Have Donkitis And No Tits. Hey. Hey. [ Chuckles ] Hey, Baby. [ Chuckling ] Please Don't. Is Your Name Gillette? I Don't Want To Know. Because You Are The Best A Man Can Get. Oh, Hey, Carrie. Are You An Architect? Because You Seem To Make Every Room You're In... [ High-PITCHED ] Beautiful. I Have One. Do Your Pants Have Mirrors On Them? Because I Can Totally See Myself In Them. [ Laughs ] [ Normal VOICE ] You Want To Wear Her Pants? [ Chuckling ] Right? Forget The Pickup Lines. Pick Up A Phone And Just Call Her And Ask Her Out. She'll Say Yes. I Promise. Okay. Okay. Okay, Thanks. Why Is She Helping Him? Maybe It's Because Payton's Helping Me With Comics. If She's Helping Him Because He's Helping Me, Then It's Like We're On The Same Team, And I Should Be Helping Somebody...? You Know, Next Time Grandma Gets Out Of Her Car, I'm Gonna Open The Door For Her. You Stupid Boy! Ow! [ Screams ] When Mrs. Hooper's Blind Ass Trips, I'll Stop Laughing Sooner. [ Chuckles ] Or When Coach Bronko Has Us Run Laps, I'll Slow Down So Everyone Else Doesn't Look Like Such Dorks. [ Laughs ] Hey. Oh, Hey, Babe. So, Did You Want To Hit The Galleria And Then Maybe Go To Ted Drewes For Some Frozen Custard? Actually, I Got This Thing To Do. What Thing? Uh, It's For A Girl. What Girl? Um, No, You Don't Know Her. She's In College. Well [Scoffs] What Are You Doing With This College Girl? Oh, Just Lifting Stuff... For Her. She's Not Hot At All. Neh. You're Fine With It, Right? Totally Fine. Thanks, Babe. I'll See Ya. Have Fun Lifting Stuff. With Your Not-Hot College Girl. Let's...Call. Yeah. [ Sighs ] [ Ringing ] Ehh...Well, So, I'll Text Her. [ Ringtone Plays ] Call Her. Can't I Just Text Her? Please? [ Scoffs ] Grow A Pair. I'm Better At Writing Than Talking. Don't Text Me Until You've Called And Asked Her Out. [ Sighs ] [ Ringing ] Hi, IT'S Sam. Unless YOU'RE STUPID, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. [ Beep ] Hi, Samantha. Um, So, I-I'm Sorry If I'm Bugging You. I Just -- I -- Well, The Reason That I'm Actually Calling Is -- Is That I-I Wanted To Ask, Um -- This Probably Sounds Crazy. Mm. This Is -- I-I Don't -- I -- I-If You're Busy, That's Fine. I-It's Fine If You're -- If You're Busy. Oh, I Wanted To That If Maybe You Wanted To Really Just Do The -- You HAVE REACHED YOUR MESSAGE LIMIT. Goodbye. Okay. [ Sighs ] Yeah. [ Chime Tone Plays ] I Would Love To Go Out With You. Colon, Dash, Parenthesis. [ Clears Throat ] [ Chime Tone Plays ] Really! [ Chuckles ] You Want To Go... I Have A Date. Not With Carrie, But... But Still A Date. Whoo-Hoo! Yes! Thank You. Thank You. [ Sighs ] [ Cartoon Plays On Tv ] Gale, Where's Dad? Stay Black! Dad. Can I Borrow The Car Friday Night? Why? I...Have A Date. With A Girl? Yes, With A Girl. [ Chuckling ] Okay, Good. All Right. You Can Drive Brunella. [ Scoffing ] Oh. Dad. Dad. First Date Here, Okay? Can't Ruin My Reputation By Showing Up In Brunella. Name One Thing Wrong With Brunella. One Thing? The Taillight Is Held On By Duct Tape. The Passenger Seat Belt Is Duct Tape. I'm Pretty Sure The Only Thing That Keeps The Car Together Is The Rust. The Rust And The Duct Tape. Son, That Is What We Call "Character." [ Sighs ] Look, Do You Want This Girl To Go Out With You Because You're Driving A Nice Car Or ' 'Cause Of What You Got Inside? Dad, First Date Here. Well, Wh-- What Is Wrong With Driving Brunella? What's The Worst That Can Happen? [ Tires Squeal ] Actually, The Worst Thing That Could Happen Would Be If A Truck Driver Driving Cross-Country Finds Out That The Woman That He Was In Love With On The Internet Was Actually Just A Pimply Faced 16-Year-Old Boy. So He Loads Up On A Mixture Of Nodoz And Jack Daniel's, Which Causes Him To Temporarily Lose Control Of His Big Rig, Swerving Into My Lane, And, Because Brunella Doesn't Have Automatic Steering, Forcing Me Into The Guardrail, Then Through It, Then Down A Cliff As We Tumble End Over End Until It Lands Upside Down, Crushing Us, Catching Fire, And We Slowly Burn And Bleed To Death At The Same Time. All Right, Look -- If A Girl Will Date You Driving Brunella, She's A Keeper. Dad, Please? You Know What? You're Never A Loser Till You Quit Trying. What?! Mike Ditka. What You Up To? Geez! [ Chuckling ] Nothing. Why Would I Be Up To Something? It's Not Like I Have Anything To Hide From You. [ Chuckles ] So, How Did Lifting Go With That College Girl? What? You Know, That College Girl That You Had To Lift Stuff For. Oh. Yeah, That. Um... Yeah, It Went Okay. Actually, It Went So Well, She Wants Me To Lift Stuff For Her A Couple Times A Week. She Does, Does She? [ Chuckles ] I Guess We're Both Lucky To Have Such A Strong Man In Our Lives. Totally. So, What's This Lucky Girl's Name? Andy. And Where Does Andy Go To School? College. Duh. What's She Studying? Books, Mostly. Great. Well, I'll Have To Meet Her Sometime. Ohhh, Uh... I'm Sorry. I-I Mean, No. You Two Won't Get Along. She'd Be Way Too Jealous Of Your... [ Inhales Sharply ] ...Beauty And...Stuff. [ Chuckles ] Well, I Wouldn't Want To Make Her Jealous. Maybe You And I Should Stop Seeing Each Other Till, You Know, You're Done Lifting Stuff. Hey, Hey. Don't Be Silly. We're Just Friends. Okay. Oh, Look. It's The Rolling Hill Retards! Boo! Dude! That Never Gets Old! Ugh! Apparently, Neither Do They. So, Looks Like Your Little Dr. Phil Theories About Me Were Wrong, Because I Asked Samantha Out, And She Said Yes. See? I Knew You Had It In You. With Some Prodding. Why Didn't You Tell Me They Killed Robin? Clark, This Is A Really Big Moment. Payton's About To Go On His First Date. What Makes You Think It's My First? It's Nothing To Be Embarrassed About. You're Just A Late Bloomer, That's All. But I Am So Proud Of You. How Could They Kill Robin? They Killed Off The Second Robin, Okay? The Jason Todd Robin. But He Was A Jerk, And The Joker Caught Him Anyway. They Left It Up To The Fans Whether They Wanted Him To Live Or Die, And They All Said, "Get Rid Of Him." But It's Okay, Because Superboy-Prime Can Punch People Back Alive. It's Just Wrong. It's Unamerican. I Mean, It's Always Been Batman And Robin, Montana And Rice, Or Bert And Ernie. [ Chuckles ] Anyway... So, Where Are You Taking Her? Uh, My Dad Recommended This Place. He Took My Mom There On Their First Date. That Is So Romantic. So Much More Romantic Than Where We Went On Our First Date. What? Under The Bleachers After School Wasn't Romantic? No. It Was For Me. [ Chuckles ] Okay, This Is Very Important. Always Open The Door For Her, Especially When Getting In The Car. Go Around To Her Side First, Open The Door, Let Her In, Then Close The Door, Go Back Around To Your Side. It's Very Gentlemanlike. And That Way, You Get A Good Look At Her Ass When She Sits Down. You'll Know She Really Likes You If She Gives You... A Reach-Over. A Reach-Over? It's When She Reaches Over And Unlocks The Door Before You Get There. At Dinner, Find Out What She Wants, And Then Order It For Her. Compliment Her On Her Outfit. And Her Hair. Or Her Shoes. Ah! Girls Love It When You Notice Their Shoes. You Want To Be Strong, But Sensitive... Mysterious... Informative... Interesting... Removed. You Want To Impress Her At All Times. You Want Everything To Run Smoothly. You Want To Be Perfect. You Want To Get To Second Base! Any First Date Where You Don't Is A Failure. Can't I Just Be Myself? Both: No! [ Engine Sputtering ] [ Engine Backfires ] [ Stomach Gurgles ] [ Camera Shutter Clicks ] Uh-Oh. That Didn't Sound Too Good. Got To Love Taco Day. Yeah. Favorite Lunch Day By Far. Only Good Things Can Come From Taco Day. At This Point, I Was Thinking I May Have Eaten One Too Many Tacos. [ Stomach Gurgles ] [ Engine Shuts Off ] [ Farts ] Oh! [ Sighs ] Stupid Taco Day. [ Farts ] Okay. Tell Her I Like Her Shoes. No. No, Tell Her I Like Her Outfit. Or Her Hair. O-Or Her Shoes. [ Knock On Door ] Samantha, You Look -- Hey, I'm Not Ready Yet, So, Uh, Hey, Come In. Just Relax. I'll Be Done In Two Minutes. No More Stress And... Okay. ...No More Strain Um... [ Groans ] Sitting Back [ Farting ] Happy Jack, Time To Relax Ugh! Take It Easy, Take It Slow [ Groaning, Farting ] Am I Happy? Hmm Just A Touch [ Farts ] Sitting Back Happy Jack, Time To Relax Oh. [ Chuckles ] Going Somewhere, Don't Care Where Wow. 'Cause He's Happy To Stay [ Gagging ] Till The Journey's End [ Sniffs ] Ugh. Oh. Sorry To Be Rude. These Are My Parents, Suzie And Thomas Gibson. Ohh. [ Clears Throat ] Taco Day, Huh? I'll Be Right Back. [ Sniffing ] [ Clock Ticking ] Just So You Know, You Have, Uh, Nothing To Worry About Tonight. Your Daughter's In Very Good Hands. I Promise To Be A Perfect Gentleman. Just Dinner, Movie, Home. You Know, No -- No Monkey Business. We Feel Very Safe In Our Belief That You're Going To Be An Absolutely Perfect Gentleman Tonight. And Everything Samantha Has Told Us About You Says That You're A Charming, Well-Behaved Young Man. We Just Wanted You To Know That. Mm-Hmm. [ Chuckles ] Okay. I Know Where You Live. Um... I Know Where To Bury A Body. Okay. I'm Not -- I'm Not One Of Those "Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am" Guys. No, I Keep My Hands To Myself. I-I Actually Have A Friend -- Well, Not Really A Friend, But -- But He Thinks A-A First Date Is A Failure Unless You Get To Second Base, But I Have No Plans To Get To Second Base With Your Daughter. No. I Am Not Interested In Her Breasts At All. N-N-Not That I Don't Like Them. I Mean, They're Very Nice -- Small, But Nice, You Know. Not -- Not The Nicest In School. I Mean, I Can See Where She Gets Them. Not That You Have Small Breasts, Miss Gibson. Just Saying That They're... There, You Know. So, Chances Are That Samantha Got Them From You. Not That Mr. Gibson's Side Of The Family Doesn't Have Nice Breasts. I'm Sure They Do. They Seem...Nice And... Small. You Know, I Actually Prefer Small Breasts, And I Find Your Daughter's To Be A Very Fine Size. N-Not That I Just Spend All My Time In School Looking At Them. I Mean, I Don't Spend All Of Third Period Staring At Your Daughter's Breasts, Okay? So, Just To Be Clear, I Have No Intention Whatsoever Of Going To Second Base Tonight With Your Daughter. [ Gasps ] Payton. Yeah? You Can Let Go Of My Breast Now. I'm Gonna Do That. Okay. Let's Go. Pleasure Meeting Both Of You. It's Another Thing To Check Off My List -- Getting Felt Up By A Date In Front Of My Parents. I Just Spent The Last Five Minutes Talking To Your Parents About Your Breasts. I Was Actually Telling Them How Much I Enjoyed Them. And Then I Grabbed One. You Told My Parents That I Have Nice Boobs? And Then...I Grabbed One. I Am So Sorry. No. You're Super-Cool And Totally Awesome. [ Smooches ] Oh. [ Chuckles ] Oh. Oh. Oh, Uh... No! Oh! Oh, I'm So Sorry! Are You Okay? [ Chuckles Nervously ] I'm Sorry. I'm So Sorry. Are You -- No Big Deal. I'm Fine. I Really Like Your Outfit Or Your Hair. Thank You...? I'm Just -- I'm Trying To Be The Perfect Gentleman. I'm Sorry. You Don't Have To Apologize. Just -- Sorry. [ Chuckles ] Stop Apologizing. Sorry For Apologizing So Much. Stop. Yeah. No -- No More... Apologizing...Anymore. Sorry. Sorry. [ Engine Turns Over ] [ Tires Squeal ] I Can't Seem To Look Away There You Are, I'm In A Daze Wondering If You Would Ever Know In The Street Or In The Hall With Your Back Flat To The Wall Where You Are Is Where I Want To Go I Can't Seem To Look Away There You Are, I'm In A Daze Wondering If You Would Ever Know In The -- [ Engine, Radio Shut Off ] South Price Road. My Dad Says This Place Has The Best Meat In Town. [ Dance Music Plays ] Isn't This North Price Road? Come On. Oh, Yeah. This Is Gonna Be Good. [ Audience Cheering ] Uh, Where's The Hostess? May I Have Your Attention, Please? Bring Your Seat Backs To Their Upright And Locked Position. Prepare For Takeoff. Get Ready, Ladies, For The Best Meat In Town. Ugh! [ Music Continues ] Oh, My...God. Is That Miss Stewart? [ Screams ] Oh, Cool. [ Laughing ] [ Gasps ] Ugh! [ Screams ] [ Laughing ] All...Right. Interesting Choice For A First Date, Payton. Hi, Samantha. Hi. Look, I Can't Begin To Tell You How Sorry I Am. I Do Not Enjoy Looking At Well-Built, Oiled-Up Men With Sweat Dripping Down Their Nearly Naked Bodies. If I'd Known It Had Been Like That, I Wouldn't Have Taken You With Me. Not -- Not That I Would Have Gone On My Own. [ Sighs ] Great. Now You Think I'm Probably Gay. Did You Say Something After "Well-Built, Oiled-Up Men"? Remind Me To Ask Miss Stewart To Organize Our Next Field Trip. Carrie! Hi, Carrie. Aren't You On A Date? I Was Under That Impression Myself. Payton! Oh, Payton. Hey, Clark. How's The Date? [ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] She Looks Like She Crapped Her Pants. [ Laughter Continues ] [ Laughter Distorts ] Those Are Really Nice Shoes. Okay, Knock. But You're Holding My Hand. [ Scoffs ] Okay, Now Knock. I Don't -- I Don't... [ Sighs ] Uh... What? Okay, Tell Her I'm Here With Your Jacket And That You're Sending Me In. Huh? [ Sighs ] This Is What I'm Gonna Do -- I'm Gonna Go In There With Your Jacket And I'm Gonna Claim That It's Your Idea. When She Comes Out, Tell Her She Looks Nice, 'Cause She's Obviously Gonna Be Feeling A Little Insecure Right Now. Wow. You're Really Good At This. [ Breathes Deeply ] Samantha! Carrie's Gonna Be Coming In With My Jacket. [ Sarcastically ] Oh, Great. [ Sighs ] Just Don't Expect Me To Kiss Her Good Night For You. After This, You're On Your Own. Hey. She Gave Me A Reach-Around In The Car. It's Called A Reach-Over. A Reach-Around's A Completely Different Thing. Oh. Maybe You'll Show Me That Later? No. Women Are Like Any Great Football Play -- They're Hard To Read. So The Key Is To Stay Focused, And Don't Get Distracted By Their Footballs, If You Know What I Mean. [ Chuckles ] I Know What You Mean, Coach. If You're Talking To A Woman And You Feel The Urge To Look At Those Distractions, Just Look Down At Your Watch And Regain Focus. Hello, Miss Stewart. Wait. No Way Payton's Out This Late. Okay. Okay, 10 Minutes To Drive To Samantha's House... 10 Minutes 'Cause She's Not Ready Yet... 15 To The Restaurant... A Hour For Dinner -- No. Hour And A Half Because Kids Get Sucky Service... 10 To Drive Samantha Home... 5 Minutes For That Awkward Moment In The Car... 10 Seconds For The Kiss... A Minute Of Stalling, Waiting For The Woody To Go Down, And He Gets Out Of The Car And Walks Her To The Door... Wait. What If It's A Good Kiss? What If It's A Couple Kisses? What If He Gets A Feel? That Doesn't Add Up. Ah, Shit! Time To Call In Special Teams. [ Speed-DIALING ] There You Go. Enjoy. I Took The Initiative Of Ordering For Both Of Us, Since...You Were So Busy Talking To Carrie. Oh, Yeah. Isn't She Awesome? Oh, Yeah! Oh, Baby Gimme That Sexy Yeah Yeah. I'm So Hungry. I Ordered Us Both The Same Thing -- Grilled Patty Melts, My Favorite. [ Muffled ] Mmm! This Is So Good! I've Never Had This Before. [ Muffled ] It's The Grilled Onions. It Gives It That Kick. [ Coughs ] [ Spits ] Did -- Did You Just Say "Onions"? Grilled Onions -- Lots Of Them. Uh-Oh. What's Wrong? I'm Allergic To Onions. [ Stomach Gurgling ] Wow. Uh-Oh. That Must Suck. I Can't Imagine Not Being Able To Eat Onions. I Mean, I Put Them On Everything. So, Like, What Happens When You Eat A Lot? Do You, Like, Sneeze? 'Cause When I Eat Too Many Tomatoes, I Sneeze All Day. Ew! Gross! Thanks For Driving. I Have To Admit, That Was The Most Impressive Display Of Projectile Vomiting I Have Ever Seen, Including "The Exorcist," And I Have Seen My Share Of Projectile Vomiting. I Actually Keep A Journal Of It. You Keep A Journal, Too? No. Oh. I Just Want To Apologize For Everything That Happened Tonight. You Don't Have To Apologize. Yes, I Do. I'm Sorry For Taking You To A Male Strip Club... And Knocking You Over And Parading You Around The Diner With A Dirty Butt... And Vomiting On You... And Talking About Your Breasts In Front Of Your Parents. Don't Forget You Copped A Feel In Front Of Them, Too. They'll Never Forget That. Tonight...Was An Unmitigated Disaster, But... Well, Look At It This Way -- Our -- Our Second Date Has To Be Better, Right? [ Engine Sputtering ] [ Groans ] Out Of Gas. Nice Try, Payton. [ Car Horn Honking ] Damn It! I Think My Dad Reported The Car Stolen To Lojack Again. Lojack Costs Twice As Much As This Car's Blue Book Value. We Just Have To Wait Until The Cops Show Up, And Then They'll Call It In As Not Stolen. [ Laughs ] Perfect Ending To The World's Worst Date. What Else Could Go Wrong? Actually, If A Truck Driver Trying To Make It Cross-Country Found Out That The Woman He's In Love With On The Internet Was Actually A Pimply Faced 16-Year-Old Boy, So He Loads Up On A Mixture Of Nodoz And Jack Daniel's, Causing Him To Temporarily Lose Control Of His Big Rig, Which Forces Him To Swerve Into Our Lane, Which Forces Me To Swerve Into The Guardrail, Then Through It, Onto A Cliff As The Car Tumbles End Over End, Lands Upside Down, Crushes Us, Catches On Fire, And We Slowly Bleed And Burn To Death At The Same Time. Wow. [ Police Siren Chirps ] Put Your Hands On The Wheel And Do Not Move. [ Helicopter Blades Whirring ] [ Tires Screech ] [ Both Sigh ] I Didn't Know You Were Wanted. I'm So, So Sorry. [ Sighs ] Stop Apologizing. There's No Way You Could Have Known, And Besides, It's Just A Court Appearance. It's Not My First. You Were Really The One Who Superglued Mr. Acker's Finger To His Forehead During Assembly? That Is So Awesome. [ Chuckles ] You're Pretty Cool Yourself. Not Tonight I Wasn't. That's What I Like About You. You're A Dork. A Loveable Dork. You're Payton -- Dork! You Don't Try To Be Cool. You're Just...You. That Makes You Cooler Than Anybody Else. Well, Not As Cool As Clark. I Mean, He Does Have The Hottest Babe In The World. I Give Up. [ Seat Belt Clicks ] Thank You For The Interesting Night. I Will Never Forget It. Okay. Good Night, Payton. Good Night. [ Car Door Closes ] Whoa. That Girl's Intense. I Need Details. Did You Kiss Her Good Night? Kind Of. Okay, It's A "Did Or Didn't" Situation. It's Like You Can't Be Kind Of Pregnant. Oh, No, She's Not Pregnant. That Would Be Impossible. Did You Kiss Her Or Not? She Kissed Me. [ Sighs ] You're Hopeless. I Wouldn't Be Surprised If She Didn't Want To See You. Oh, No. She Wants To See Me Again. Really? Why? Probably 'Cause I'm A Pretty Good Kisser. [ Laughs ] No, Seriously -- Why? No, Seriously. I'm -- I'm A Pretty Good Kisser. Yeah? Uh...Wow. Hi. Is There, Uh... [ Clears Throat ] ...Something You Need? Um... Oh! I Was, Um, Thinking Of Watching The Game Again This Next Sunday And Was Wondering If You Had Any Recommendations... For A Good Place To Watch The Game...Like... Um... ...Someplace Fun... You Know What? Mm-Hmm? I'm Gonna Be Watching The Bears Game With My Kids. Great. And You... Mm-Hmm? ...You Could Probably... Find A Great Sports Bar In The Neighborhood. Uh, Stevie B's Has Hd, Huge Screen. You'll Love It. And They Got Great Ribs There. U-Uh...Stevie B's? I Don't Really Know -- Oh, It's A Great Place. Go, Bears! Go, Bears. Go, Bears. Sports BAR... Hey, Girls. Carrie! Hey! Together: We've Got Spirit! Yes, We Do! We've Got Spirit! How 'Bout You?! [ Giggles ] Awesome. Get Lots Of Sign-Ups, Okay? Yeah, Definitely! [ Toilet Flushes ] [ Chuckles ] [ Sighs ] Pawn To Rook 4! Pawn To Rook 4! Where Were You? I Was Behind The School. What Were You Doing There? Nothing. Don't Touch My Balls. Or My Hair. Or My Hair! I Can't Believe You Copped A Feel On The First Date. W-Were They Pointy? Pink? Brown? Round? Can You See What's Around Him? That's Protection. [ Sighs ] It's A Thing Of Beauty. Now If They Could Just Win A Damn Game. Could You Imagine, Like, Spider-Man's Agility And Quickness And All That Stuff Put In Bruce Wayne -- Batman? It'd Be Like The Ultimate... Ultimate Superhero Of All Time. It'd Be Pretty Cool. Totally. Oh! One Too Many Vanilla Cokes, Babe. I Got To Pee. [ Chuckles ] [ Cellphone Vibrating ] Rolling Hills Dragons Rule! Waaaahooooow!! [ Gasps ] [ Clears Throat ] [ Giggling ] Hey, Carrie. Guess What -- I Have Another Date Tonight With Samantha. I'm Gonna Follow All Your Advice -- Always Open The Door For Her And... Compliment Her Shoes... And Try Not To Be... Myself? [ Chuckles ] Yeah. Both: Uh...Hey, Carrie. Get Your Geek Stink Breath Out Of Here, Payton! [ Both Laugh ] Dork! [ Laughs ] [ Laughs ] Do You Remember When Rob Liefeld Couldn't Draw Feet? Oh, My God. I Thought I Was The Only One Who Noticed. Okay, What's The Scariest Movie You've Ever Seen? Easy -- "Bride Wars." Good Answer! I'm Not Sure What Was Scarier About That Movie -- The Script, The Directing, Or Was It The Acting? Well, Actually, Wedding Scenes Kind Of Freak Me Out. Oh, Afraid Of Getting Married? No, But Here's A Scary Fact For You -- Did You Know That Nearly Half Of All Marriages Last Their Entire Lives? Aah! What About The Ultimate Line? I Know! Is That Ever Gonna Come Out On Time? Who Do They Think They Are? You Know? Frank Miller? [ Chuckles ] Speaking Of, Did You See His "Robocop" Movie? Uh, Yeah -- He Sold Out Faster Than A Condom Machine On Prom Night. Thank God He Redeemed Himself With "Sin City," Until He Fell Back Down With "The Spirit." What Were They Trying To Do? Cram All Those Comic Books Into One Movie? Worst Adaptation Ever. "Hell Boy" -- Much Better. Agreed. You Are Super-Cool And Totally Awesome. Thanks, Guys. I Had A Great Time Tonight. Yeah, Me Too. We Should Do It Again Sometime. [ Chuckles Nervously ] Sure. I'll, Uh, I'll Call You. [ Chuckling ] Yeah. My PARENTS ARE SOUND ASLEEP UPSTAIRS. Really? Probably Shouldn't Wake Them Up. Good Night. That's Not What I Mea-- Oh. What's With The Face? Wha-- I-I Don't Have A Face On. Your Mouth's Open. Are You Sure That This Is Your Room? I Wasn't Always Into Comic Books. No? Uh, Well, You Know, Not Until This Guy. Oh, Cool. Li'l Depressed Boy. He's So... Romantic? ...Depressed. Um... What? Hey, Do You Want To See My Halloween Costume? Um... Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. Halloween Costume -- Yeah, That's A Good Idea. I-I Want To See It. Can't Wait, Actually. Can't Wait To See It. Okay. All Right. I'm Really... [ Sighs ] [ Chuckles ] What? Does -- Does It Make Me Look Weird? You Look...Awesome! Where'd You Get That? At A Garage Sale For The Fat, Suicidal Cheerleader. Like, Picture A Lot More Zombie Makeup And Blood And Junk For The Dance. Yeah -- Zombie Cheerleader. Awesome. Yeah, I'm Going As Brain-Dead. [ Both Chuckle ] Oh. Okay. Sorry. Stop APOLOGIZING. Mm! What? [ Laughs ] Hey, It's Nothing To Be Embarrassed About. Oh, God! Oh! What? That's Go-Gurt That I Was Saving...For Later. Oh! Strawberry-Banana's My Favorite. Oh. Oh, God! [ Grunts ] Oh, God. Okay. Aah. Aah. I Think Your Watch Is In My Hair. Ow! Aah! Aah! Okay. Okay. I'm Gonna Extract It. [ Footsteps Approaching ] Uh-Oh. What's "Uh-Oh"? It's MY DAD! It's MY DAD! Come ON! [ Clears Throat ] Two Minutes, Young Lady. Or I'll Be Back With My Shovel. Don't Worry. I Haven't Had A Curfew Since I Started Getting Straight A's In Eighth Grade. That's So Awesome. Yeah, Curfews Are Totally Lame. No, That You Get Straight A's. Hey, Um...Payton? I-I Was, Like, Okay, I'm Kind Of Wondering If...Maybe...You Would...Um... Yeah? Would You Like To Go To The Halloween Dance With A Zombie Cheerleader? Yeah. I -- Okay. [ Laughs ] Oh, Yeah. Things Are Going Great. Two Dates And Counting. I'm Getting More Superpowers By The Day. Now I Can Talk To Girls, Pee Standing Up, And Fly. But Sometimes Even Superheroes Have Power Failures. Aaaaaaah! But I'm Figuring It Out. Yeah, I'm Juggling Two Girls Pretty Well. Now All I Need Is A Costume For The Halloween Dance. Okay, We Need To Find Something For You To Wear. We Have To Go Shopping. Shopping! Shopping! Let's Go Shopping. [ Laughs ] What? Oh, You Have No Idea. This Is Where I Wanna, Ah, Ah, I Wanna Take It I Think That I Can Take It I Take It! I Take It! I Think That I Can Take It Wow. This Isn't Really The Type Of Costume I Had In Mind. Oh. What About Something... Like This? 'Cause You Want It, I Want It You Want It, I Want It You Want It, I Want It You Want It, I Want It Ahh! What The Hell Happened? Never, Ever, Ever Go Shopping With A Girl. Ever. Oh, Son, I Am So Sorry. I Feel So Responsible For Not Having Taught You That Already. Although, I Did Get To Spend Two Hours Alone With Carrie Smith. So, While My Body Is Bruised And Beaten, My Spirit Soars To Heretofore-Undiscovered Heights. [ Sighs Deeply ] Son, Men Just Don't... Wax Poetic? Well. First Try This Time. Okay, Clayton -- Payton! Dad! I Didn't Mean Anything By That. It Was A -- I Don't Get -- I-I-I Get Everybody's Nam-- I Got So Many Kids' Names To Remember At School, I -- [ Door Slams ] [ School Bell Rings ] [ Theme Music Playing ] If You're Watching This, Then You're Trying To Date A Man Who's Obsessed With Me. What's His Name? B-Bronko. Now, The First Step Is Understanding His Obsession, So You Got To Breathe Me In. Seriously, I Don't Mind. [ Breathes Deeply ] It's Okay To Like It. You Have To Understand, I'm Dripping With Macho. I'm An American Icon! Oh, My. I'm What The Kids Call A Baller. It's No Wonder Your Man Is Into Me. In Fact...I Think You're Kind Of Into Me, Aren't You, Gorgeous? [ Giggling ] No, Not Really. [ Sighs ] Use Your Man's Affinity For Me And For The Game Of Football To Your Advantage. I'll Say A Phrase, Then You Repeat It. Okay. "Great Game Last Night. The Way He Found The Tight End So Deep And Went So Long For The Touchdown." "Last Night Was Great... The Way He Found That Tight End And Went So Deep And Waited So Long For The Touchdown." [ Breathes Deeply ] Great Job. Now Grab Your Man And Hit The Showers. [ School Bell Rings ] Hey, Babe. Hi. So, The Diner Before Or After The Halloween Dance This Saturday? Yeah, Um... About The Dance... [ Chuckles Nervously ] I Can't -- I Got To Do That... Thing With Andy, The College Girl. You Understand...Right? Don't Worry About It. Thanks For Being So Understanding. You Are Awesome. [ Sighs ] All Right, You Goddamn Dorks, If I See Any Of These Stickers On Any Of My Doors Or Anybody Else's Doors, Your Ass Is Out Of Class. Get Moving! [ Cellphone Chirps ] "I-N-T-T-Y"? [ Cellphone Chirps ] "She's Not Talking To You?" Are You Not Talking To Me, Too? [ Cellphone Chirps ] "No, I'm Still Talking To You." Then Why Are You Texting Me? Oh, Yeah. I Forgot. And Why Are You Not Talking To Me? [ Cellphone Chirps ] You're A Cheerleader, And You Don't Have A Date To The Dance, Biyotch! Hey, Guys. That Gives Me An Idea! I Do Need To Be At The Halloween Dance. We'll See How Clark Likes It When I'm Lifting Stuff For Someone. I'm Going To Ask Someone Else To The Dance. I Could Ask Johnny, But He's Going With Shirley. I Could Ask Nick, But He's Going With Jane. I Could Ask Max, But He's In A Wheelchair. So That Just Leaves One Person. [ Buzzer ] I Know I've Been Trying To Set Him Up With Samantha, But I'm The Head Cheerleader, And I Really Need This. You Want To Go To The Dance With Me? But, I Mean, Why -- Why Would You? Don't Show Your Face The Whole Time We're There. Halloween Dance, Mask -- No Problem. One More Thing -- No Kiss Good Night And No Hug Good Night. Actually, Don't Touch Me At All. Well, Except When We're Dancing. You Get One Slow Dance, And If Your Hands Come Anywhere Near My Ass, I'll Punch Your Lights Out. I Shit You Not. Whoo! Whoa-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh Whoa-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh [ Whistling ] Hey, Samantha. We Need To Talk About The Halloween Dance. Uh... I Don't Know! I Don't Know What You See In A Girl Like Carrie Smith, But You Being Interested In Her Makes Me A Lot Less Interested In You. She Probably Wants You To Do Her Homework Or Wash Her Car Or Take Care Of Her Sick Grandmother. She's Just Using You. And You're Gonna Let Her Because You're A Stupid Little Boy Who Does Stupid-Little-Boy Things, And I've Had Enough Of Your Stupid Little Boyness -- You Should Go Right Now Before I Call You A Stupid Little Boy Again. Um... Just Go! I Used My Superpowers To Get Samantha To Like Me. She Went On A Date With Me -- Well, Two Dates, Actually -- And Then I Used My Mind Control To Get Clark Away From Carrie. And Then I Came Flying In, And Carrie Fell Madly In Love With Me And Asked Me To The Halloween Dance With Her. So Far, Everything Was Going Exactly According To Plan, So Why Do I Feel So Lousy About It? I Hope He Feels Lousy About What He's Done. Stupid Payton. That's The Last Time I Comb My Hair For Anyone Or Buy A New Dress Or Wax My Eyebrow. Grandma Was Right -- I'm Gonna Become A Miserable Old Woman Who Dies Alone, Completely Unloved. Every Superhero Eventually Comes Face-To-Face With His Nemesis. I Thought Mine Was Clark Hayes. I Mean, Doesn't That Just Sound Like The Name Of A Supervillain? But What If My Biggest Nemesis Was...Myself? [ Grunts ] Hey, Babe. [ Clears Throat ] Earth To Carrie? [ Whistles ] Um... Hey, I Was Wondering If You Still Wanted To Go To Dinner With My Parents Next Week. I Thought You Had To Lift Stuff. She's Busy, So I Can Be With You. I'll Call You. Perfect. Per-- Yeah. So, There's This New Move I'm Thinking About Doing Before The Football Game, And If We All Do It, It'll Look Really Cool. It's Really Easy. Yes! Yeah! You Think? Yeah! Totally! Okay. Okay, I'll Show You. And Then We Got To Show Everyone, Okay? Okay, Yeah. Okay. So, We'll All Be Lined Up. And Then We Shimmy Like This. And Then... Like That, Okay? [ Cellphone Vibrating ] [ Screams ] It's Stuck! It's Like They're Glued Or Something! [ Shrieking ] Get It Off! Help Me! Get It Off! Help Me! [ Both Giggling ] [ Screams ] [ Toilet Flushes ] Oh, Goddamn -- Give Me The Toilet Paper! Thank You. Do You Have A Date To The Dance? Uh...Um...I... Would You Like To Go With Me? You're Friends With Her, Aren't You? You Little Dorks Stick Together, Right? Yeah, They Do. Where's Samantha? Oh, She's With Miss Stewart. They Were Gonna Dissect A Cheerleader's Head To See If There Was Anything Inside. O.M.G.! That Should Not Be Allowed. Here Are The Rules -- No Kiss Good Night, No Hug Good Night, No Thinking About Touching Me At All, Except For When We're Dancing. You Get One Slow Dance, And If You Try To Get Your Hands Anywhere Near My Ass, I Will Punch Your Lights Out. I Shit You Not. [ Laughs Nervously ] No. Unh-Unh. I Got A Message For Little Miss Superglue. Oh, I Don't Know Who You're Talking About. Great Idea With Those Pom-Poms! Now You Won't Forget Where They Are! I Was At The Assembly, Okay? I Saw Mr. Acker Get His Finger Stuck To His Forehead, Okay? I Know Samantha Did This. Do You Think I'm Stupid? No. Crazy, Maybe. Tell Samantha This Isn't Over. Pardon, Ladies. Carrie! I-It's Payton! Why Are You Dressed Like Jack Skellington? I'm Li'l Depressed Boy -- You Know, Because I'm Depressed. Who Are You Supposed To Be? I'm Little Miss Superglue. [ Rock Music Playing ] I'm Gonna Go Get Some Punch. Hey, Carrie. Hey. You Look So... That's, Like, Totally Original. So Hot. [ Laughs ] I Really Do Like Your Eyebrow. I Don't. It's Hairy, And It's Just One. Hey! Aah! Dad! Come On! [ Chuckling ] Well, Son, I Hope Nobody Breaks Any Rules Tonight. 'Cause, You Know, Mike Ditka Could Never Suffer The Likes Of Rule Breakers. Dad, Do You Have To Dress Like Ditka... Every Year? [ Scoffs ] Nice Shirt. [ Giggling ] Thanks! Who Are You Supposed To Be? Well, She's Obviously A Slut! Yeah! I, Like, Totally Dressed As Carrie Smith! [ Giggles ] [ Rock Music Playing ] Dude, That Is So Wrong On So Many Levels. On Fire! On Fire! The King Of Pop Is On Fire! Are You Li'l Depressed Boy? That's My Favorite Webcomic Character. This Costume Took Me Forever To Make. Payton. You Look...Really Nice, Samantha. Of Course. Of Course You'd Like The Way I Look. I'm Dressed As Carrie. No! No, That's Not What I Meant! Swine Flu?! Swine Flu?! What About This Makes You Think I'm Swine Flu?! Chester?! You're Here With Chester?! Enjoy The Party, Payton. [ Sighs ] [ Giggles ] What's Up, Jack Skellington? I Already Told You, I'm Li'l Depressed Boy. Boy, Are You. So, Where Is Your Slut? Okay, Listen. I Don't Care What You Say About Me, But Don't You Dare Badmouth Samantha, Okay? Whoa! Back Off, Li'l Repressed Boy. If You Care So Much About Her, Why Don't You Do Something About It? I Did. I Did Everything You Told Me, And I Still Managed To Screw It Up. Look, You're Poised And Beautiful And Sexy And Well-Dressed, And Every Boy Wants To Be With You, And Every Girl Wants To Be You. And That's Easy To Fall For. But What Really Matters Is What Samantha Has. She Has A Beautiful Soul. Now Go Away So I Can Get A Drink Of Water. [ Sighs ] Ow. [ Dance Music Playing ] All Right, Everybody, Let's Boogie. Hey! [ Chuckles ] Super Mario? No. Luigi? [ Chuckling ] No! Ditka! [ Deep VOICE ] I'm Mike Ditka. [ Normal VOICE ] Ditka. [ Chuckles ] Samantha? Can We Talk? No! Sss! Don't...Talk. Wait. Do I...Have A... Beautiful Soul? Yeah. I Mean...Sure. Whatever. [ Slow Music Playing ] Perfect Time For Your Slow Song, Date. Okay. Yeah. Slow Dance? I Promised You One. Payton...Thanks. For What? For Being Payton. I'm So Glad We're Friends. [ Camera Shutter Clicks ] That Was The Kiss I'd Been Waiting For My Whole Life. You're Super-Cool And Totally Awesome. [ Camera Shutter Clicks ] Samantha's The Girl For Me. I'm Such A Dork. I Need To Tell You Something -- About Clark. Go To The Comic-Book Shop Tomorrow At 5:00, Okay? Why? Just Trust Me On This. Hey, Samantha. Wrong Girl, Man. [ Groans ] You Call That A Hit?! My Nana Can Hit Harder Than That! [ Chuckles ] [ Football Announcer Talking ] Nothing? You're Not Gonna Chide Me For My Improper Parental Technique? All Right, What's Wrong? Oh, Look, I Know It's Football, But I've Never Seen You This Down. You Don't Understand At All. All Right. So... You Started Off With The Hots For This Carrie Girl. She Wanted To Play Matchmaker, And You Had Hope That All The Time You Spent With Her, She Would Like You Back. But Then You Realize You Really Connect To This Samantha, And Because You Don't Have Experience In This World, You Muck It All Up? Muck! Muck! Muck! Muck! [ Giggles ] Watch, Watch, Watch, Watch. You Know, Son, If You Had Some Questions, You Could Have Come To Me. Heck, We're Both Out There In The Dating World. Maybe You Could Have Given Me A Tip Or Two. Son, All I Know Is, If I Were You Right Now, I Would Need To Prove To This Girl -- This Samantha Girl -- That She Means More To Me Than Anything In The World, More Than This Carrie Chick, More Than The Respect Of Your Classmates, And, Yes, Even More Than The Mighty Chicago Bears. [ Giggles ] Hey, That's What You Got To Do, Whether You Want To Believe It Or Not. Now, If You Want To Go Figure It Out, I Officially Excuse You From Family Football Sunday. Oh, Wait. If You Are Really Determined And Willing To Pay The Price, You Can Get It Done. Ditka? What Makes You Think All The Advice I Give You Is -- Yeah. Ditka. It's Ditka. Longest Conversation We've Had. So, Let's Really Think About This, Andy. No Way Batman's A Dork. Robin Number 1, He Dated Starfire, Right? And Robin Number 3 Had This Little Thing Going On With The Spoiler. I Didn't Know You Like Comic Books. Yeah, I Like Comic Books. Shh. So, Next Time, Can I Get -- Do You Think I Could Play Superman? No, You Can't Play Superman. Oh, Really? Then Look At This. Whoo! [ Talking Excitedly ] You Ready, Kiddo? Hi, Mrs. Gardner. Hey. Same Time Next Week? Yeah, Definitely. Okay. Ah. Say "Thank You," Andy. Thank You. High Five! You Ready? Ready. See Ya. Thanks. Did You Have Fun? Do You Like Clark? [ Talking Indistinctly ] That Was Even Funner. [ Laughs ] Hey, You're Really Gonna Enjoy These. That'll Be $38 Even. Thanks. Thank You. Come Again. Did You Know About Andy? Sure. Clark And Andy Come In Here All The Time. [ Sighs ] Why Would He Hide This From Me? He's Captain Of The Football Team. He Doesn't Want Anyone To Think He's Uncool. But I'm His Girlfriend. Exactly -- He Especially Doesn't Want His Girlfriend To Think He's Uncool. [ Sighs ] I Need To Talk To You About Payton. My Whole Life, I Was Worried About "What's The Worst That Can Happen?" But Now I Was Living It. I Had Lost Samantha. There Was Nothing Left To Be Scared Of, 'Cause It Couldn't Get Any Worse. This Whole Time, I Was Listening To Carrie's Advice -- How To Dress, How To Act, How To Get A Reach-Around. But It Was Time To Stop Doing What She Wanted Me To Do And Start Doing What I Wanted. If I'm Really A Superhero, I'm Gonna Have To Prove It. I Just Need One More Brilliant Plan To Woo Samantha. So, Everything -- Everything Involving You Was Part Of A Brilliant Plan To Woo Me? Yes! Payton's Not Just A Dork -- He's An Idiot. You Make The Boy Stupid. If That's Not Love, I Don't Know What Is. Stop. Don't Say Anything. Look, I Understand What You See In Chester, Okay? Yeah, He's President Of The Chess Club And His Handwriting's Impeccable And He's Got Really, Really, Really Great Hair. But -- But I'm Not That Guy, Okay? No. Samantha. But I'm Just The Guy Who's -- Who's Gonna Do This! [ Students Screaming ] Everybody, Get Down! Is That A Turnip? No, It's An Onion. No Outside Food! Well, It Looks Like A Turnip. It's An Onion! Pbht! An Onion? Lame! Shut Up! This Is So Romantic! Yes, I Am Holding A Very Large Onion In My Right Hand, But That Is Only Because If You, Samantha Gibson, Do Not Give Me A Second Chance, Then... Then I'm Gonna Have To Eat This Right Here In Front Of Everybody! And If You Don't Go Out With Me, I'm Gonna Eat This Corn Dog. [ Laughter ] No, And If You Don't Give Me Another Chance, I'm Just Gonna Finish My Fruit Cup. He's Allergic To Onions. He Could Become Violently Ill Or Even Die! Cool. I Hope She Says No. I'd Really Like To See That. Son! Dad. Son, What Are You Doing Up There? That's Samantha. Oh. Hi. H-Hi, Coach Bronko. How You Doin'? I'm Okay. I'm Gonna Eat This Onion! Son, You're Allergic To Onions! I Know! Eat It! Eat It! Eat It! No, There's Nothing That's Stopping Me Now -- Not Unless I Hear Something From Samantha About It, But... Payton. ...I Don't Hear Anything... Payton? ...So It's Getting Really -- Payton! What? You Had Me At "I Have A Very Large Onion." [ Chuckles ] [ Crowd Groaning ] [ Squeals ] [ Both Gasp ] Dork Love Is In The Air! Oww! Kiss Me So You Can't Say Anything Else Stupid. You Know, This Is A Blatant Violation Of The School's "Public Displays Of Affection" Ban. I'll Tell You What. What? If You Forget About What You Just Saw, I Won't Bring Up Your Last Little Visit To The Thunder From Down Under At The Next Faculty Meeting. I'll Tell You What. How About We Just Forget Everything And You Take Me Out To Dinner This Weekend? Well, I-I... How 'Bout Saturday Night? Sounds Good. Oh, Great. Just So You Know -- Doing Things Quickly Is Not A Trait Women Are Always Looking For In A Man, If You Get My Drift. [ Giggles ] Wow! This Is Kicking Taco Day's Ass. I Am Awesome. Yeah. Yeah, You Are. You Are One Loveable Dork, Payton. High School's Awesome! [ Giggles ] I Got The Girl, I Got The Respect Of My Classmates, And Even My Dad Was Happy For Me. I Guess In The End, He Was Right. I Mean, You're Never A Loser Until You Quit Trying. And If You Know What You Want, Even If It's Not The Same Thing You Thought You Wanted At The Beginning, Why Not Keep Trying For It? So, That's My Story. And Somewhere Along The Way, I Realized That There Are A Lot Of Other Dorks Out There Just Like Me. [ Laughter ] And They Might Also Want To Know Some Of My Secrets. You're Probably Gonna Be A Teen Mom. Besides, Dorks Are "In" Right Now. This Whole Time That I Was Trying To Be A Superhero, I Guess I Really Just Needed To Be...Myself. I Mean, What's The Worst That Can Happen? Well, I Mean, The '85 Bears Were The Best Chicago Football Team Ever, And It Was Because -- They Were Amazing. Mike Ditka. Uh-Huh. He Brought Them To The Super Bowl. Hey And Hello, Everybody. Welcome To Ditka's. Hello, Mr. Ditka. How's The Food? Really Good. It's Really Delicious. It's The Onion That Gives It That Little Kick. [ Choking, Coughing ] [ The Features' "Lions" Plays ] You May Find Yourself Angry At The Things I Do Things I Put You Through Hope You're Able To Forgive Me Like I Forgive You I Forgive You [ Gasps ] Mmm. Snickers. Aw, Come Here, Big Boy! Can I Have A Little Bit Of Your Stuff? Oh, My God! Oh, My God. No, It's All Right. No, Y-- It Was -- It Was -- Don't Worry About It. It Was In The Way. Not Even Lions Can Tear Us Apart [ Guitar Solo ] Let's Stick Together Let's Follow Our Hearts Not Even Lions Can Tear Us Apart Oh, Girl, What Are You Thinking? [ Far As Hell's "Finally Here" Plays ] It Started Out With Some Loud Shouts As We Ran Around And Around I Saw You There With Your Long Blond Hair I Would Have Never Guessed I'd Meet You Here If Dreams Come True, I'll Come Talk To You When I'm Up Here, It All Becomes So Clear You Look So Cute Doing That Move You Do I Can't Believe I'm Finally Here Our Eyes, They Lock As The Band Rocks Should I Try My Luck With You? I Can't Believe I'm Finally Here I Can't Believe I'm Finally Here I Can't Believe... You Know, If You Were A Burger At Mcdonald's, You'd Be Called A "Mcgorgeous." Dollar Menu, Probably. Yeah. |
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