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The Sex Trip (2017)
When I was ten,
my family moved to America. Shortly thereafter, I learned a valuable lesson about love. Hey, new kid. You wanna play a card came called 52 pickup? Pick it up, dick for brains! She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I fell instantly and madly in love. Take a look At me Then she broke my heart. I vowed never to let love hurt me again. Today I'm a master of love. Your book '52 Pickup' is basically a how-to guide for men to pick up women, - is it not? - It is, yeah. And you claim that your book will help men pick up a different woman every week, for a year? Yeah, it's really that simple. All they have to do is follow my three simple rules of engagement. That is, trigger her interest play indifferent and then go for the kill. Are you aware how degrading that is to women? I mean, some could say it reduces us to mere objects who could be easily tricked into bed? I mean, how would you respond to such allegations? How do I respond? Guilty as charged. Bang, bang, bang It goes all night long Clang, clang, clang Do that siren song Are you feeling nervous? She doesn't feel that way Oh, what the hell is that? What is this stuff! - Hey, what's up, Ruben? - Hey, what's... whoa. - Take it easy, brother. - Sorry, dude, we just met here. All right. Don't get chopped off. You're early, aren't you? You got it, bro. Thank you. How's it going? Good? Very well. There you go. Good luck. Good. And enjoy it. Next in line. So good to meet you. Well, thank you for coming. Dude, you've changed my life. That's the whole point. I used to live in my parents' basement and only thing I'd score was my Xbox. But now... I'm scoring with ladies. That's great. Go get them. Next. Holy shit. - Hi. - Hi. I can't believe it's really you. It's really me. I owe you so much. Your book, has helped me overcome this. Tiny penis? What? No! I'm talking about my lack of style. That's... I meant your tiny lack of style. - Yes. - I don't know why I said penis. That's exactly, I don't know why I said penis. - You're an asshole. - I'm sorry. I'm... I'm sure you're packing. I didn't... Baby's arm holding an apple. Yeah. - What are you doing? - I don't know. It just came out. Hi. What a collection of losers today, huh? - Worse than usual. - Yeah. OK. Those 'losers' are the reason you live in a million dollar house and wear custom-made suits. Hey, it's OK, I still love them, though. Hence the term, 'lovable loser'. Yeah. And hey, hey, you know what? You should show the man a little more respect here. OK? He's making your company a lot of green and you know what? We haven't signed the contract for that third book yet. So... - Don't touch me... - OK. It's OK, Steve. Polly here has a right to her opinion. OK, it's Molly. But Steve is right. I was out of line. It won't happen again. It's all good, babe. It's all good, Molly. We sold over a hundred copies. That's great, Nana. Yeah, those losers really eat this shit up. Ha! What? Here. I wrote my number in it. You want to get with a real woman, give me a call. What the... Don't even think about it. Hey, hey, listen. I almost forgot. They asked me if you want to participate in this charity fashion show. - Really? - Yeah. - How much would it pay? - Nada. It's for charity. But all the models are gonna be celebs. - Oh, interesting. - Yeah. Yeah. It's gonna be some big names there. You know what? Might allow me to broaden my fishing pond. And you've got quite the pole, huh? - Dude. - I know. - That was... - I know. - Yeah. - Yeah. - We won't... - Don't worry. I regretted the second it came out of my mouth. Oh. Hey! Wait a minute. Hey, don't forget about this release party tonight! - Huh? - I said don't forget... You're an asshole. Asshole! You hear that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, get out of here. Fancy car piece of shit. Take care of it, buddy. - Edison Greenleaf. - Jesus. Whoa. What? Hello. Hello. Do I know... How do you know my name? Does it really matter? Of... I'm a fool. Of course, from the jackets of my book. OK. - You want an autograph? - Look, Eddie... I'm here to ask you something. Yeah... you see, I don't really carry cash. I don't want your money. Then what do you want? You don't really respect women, do you? I'm sorry, what? I... did Steve Burns put you up to this? Where is he? Women are nothing but notches... - on your bedpost! - Yeah, my bedpost. In fact, I don't even have bedposts on my bed, so... That's a metaphor, Eddie. A metaphor... Oh, I get... I'm being punked, aren't I? This is brilliant! Where? Where are they? All right, you can come out now. Where's the film crew? There's no film crew, Eddie! All right. You know, I'm tired of this. No more games, OK? Then give me what I'm here for. And what are you here for? Kiss me. Jeez, I don't think that's gonna happen. Prove to me that you can see the beauty in all women. The beauty beneath the surface. - Kiss me! - All right. No offense, you crazy old bat, but I'd rather my dick dropped off, all right? - What a... - Suit yourself. Yeah, so, ah, Molly, listen. - I, uhh... - Too close. OK. You're doing that thing kids do when they like each other... No. Well, OK, then. How about we talk business. Maybe a few strawberry daiquiris, discuss that third contract. What do you say? Oh, god. And then, two of my eight cats, they got in this really big fight. - All right. - It was just horrible. I ended up having to take Mr. Muggles to the vet and then we had to put him down. Sorry, I can't talk. All right, I'm really happy for you. I thought super-models were required to be anorexic, but you look just so goddamn healthy. Wait. Are you saying that I look fat? No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you look really healthy. Oh my god. I shouldn't have eaten this puffy cheese thing. Don't be so hard on yourself, you know. You're only human. Humans are flawed. Wait, are you saying I have flaws? No, I'm saying that I think you're gorgeous. Just don't worry about what anybody else thinks about you. Wait. You say people are talking about me? Well, you know what these bitches are like. We should think about, getting out of here soon. It's getting a little, umm... a little toxic, I think. Tell me about it. - Uhh. - Umm. Uhh? Hey, umm... would you like to come back to my place? It's like five minutes away. Really, uhh... Oh... Early start in the morning, uhh... Oh, please? Well... I promise to make it worth your while. Well, if you insist. Let's get out of here quick. No. On the bed. What the fuck? Oh my god. Can't be. I must be dreaming. Where are you going? Come on, come on. Hello? Steve! You need to get to my place right away. Who is this? It's Eddie, dumb-ass. Really? Who is this? Umm... you just need to get to Eddie's place as soon as you can. Why? Uhh... because he wants you to join us in a threesome. Really? He's never asked me that before. Are you in or what? I'm in! I'm in! I'm in! I'm in. About time. What? Wow. Huh, look at you. Well. Your stud service has arrived. Huh? I studied Goju Kai karate. Ha! Kai, by the way. Yeah. Uhh... So, where is he? Where's Eddie? Funny thing about that. Eddie? You back here? So where's he? It's me, Steve. Eddie. OK. Yeah? Eddie? You back here? Uhh, he's standing right in front of you. OK. I get it. You're hot. I don't know what's going on here, but but if you don't tell me where Eddie is I'm gonna have to call the cops. OK, listen to me, Steve. I really don't know what happened. Last night I fell asleep and when I woke up I was this. Have it your way. Beth McDonald. What was that? Your crush in middle school. Beth McDonald, the one that got away. OK. Eddie's the only one who knows that. See? All that proves is that he told you about her. OK, how about Jessica Levine? You lost your virginity to her in tenth grade and cried like a little baby. That's cause she bit my dick! Wait. OK, what's go... Did... did... Did he tell you my whole life story? Steve. It's me. Eddie. Stuck inside a chick's body. Come on. OK. Fine. If you're Eddie, tell me this Two years ago, we took a trip to Vegas. We got really drunk with some strippers and they dared us to do something really disgusting. The next day we swore... we swore we would never talk about it again. - Really? - Yeah. Really, Steve? You're gonna make me say this out loud? Hey. If you're Eddie... well, you'd know all about it. OK, we gave each other hand jobs. Uhh... excuse me, what was that? We gave each other hand jobs. Are you happy? What? Eddie? I just puked in my mouth. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Eddie. This is impossible. I mean, how... How did this happen? I don't know. Like I said, I fell asleep at Alexa's last night after banging her up and down and when I woke up I was a chick. Well... at least you're hot. Shut the fuck up. Wait. - You think I'm hot? - Oh yeah, I do. So you would have sex with me, knowing it's me, Eddie, inside this body? Hey, after Vegas, what have I got to lose? - Good point. - Right? So, if you don't mind, can I... - See the whole package, maybe? - What? You know, minus the clothes. Dude, I am not taking my clothes off for you. OK, fine. Be that way. I have to say my breasts are really perky. Steve! Steve! I'm a First Dan. OK. I said, we need to figure out what happened to me. OK. Jesus. OK. Let's figure this out. Let's think about the last 24 hours, yeah? - You had the book signing. - Yeah. You had the release party. You had sex with a super-model. Nothing unusual. OK, then. - Wait. - What? The homeless woman. You had sex with a homeless woman? No, dumb-ass. I was outside the building before the party. And this homeless woman came up to me. She knew my name, said... said, I don't respect women, didn't see their inner beauty, some shit like that. Then, she asked me to kiss her. Wow, how was that? That's the thing. I mean, I blew her off. She was fucking hideous. I would've fucked her. Twice. She must have put a spell on me. That's the only thing that makes sense. OK. OK. So... we are looking for a homeless woman with magical powers. I mean... I don't know. I guess so. Maybe she was a witch. - A witch? - Did she have a broom? - No. - OK. But... she did have a really big walking stick. Her magic wand! Kind of magic wand, yeah. Right. Well... with all these magical powers, why was she still so ugly? - What? - I mean, the first thing you do is make yourself hot, right? What's that got to do with anything? Ah. Wait a minute. No! Because if she was hot it would have been easy for you to kiss her. My god, this lady is slick. Gotta tell you, if she was here, I'd give her some props. You're an idi... - That's it. - What? We have to find her. I mean, if she turned me into a chick then she can turn me back again. Wait a minute. Listen to me. You know how hard it's gonna be to find a homeless woman in this city? Like trying to find a virgin in a whorehouse. OK, listen to me, Steve. We either find her or I'm stuck as a chick for I don't know how long. Maybe forever. Doesn't worry me, because you're kind of hot. Dude! Me and you not gonna happen. Not until I slip you a few mickeys. I still say, if she had magic powers she'd use them not to be homeless. Or, maybe searching for her in homeless shelters is part of the test. Yeah, but not the fun part. Can I help you? Yeah, hi, we're trying to find a homeless woman. This is a homeless shelter. We have about 40 of them. She's really old. There's about 30 of them. She's really ugly. Look, this is really important. You see... I think she took something of mine. So let me get this straight. Some poor old homeless woman who's probably struggling to survive took something from you. - Yeah. - Yeah. So what do you want me to do? I make our clients line up so you can pick her out? Oh my god, that would be so great. - Yeah. - Thank you. Have you ever heard of sarcasm, skippy? That shit ain't happening. Well, can we at least have a look around? No, you can't be looking around in here. OK, what do you expect us to do? What I expect you to do is to take your skinny sorry asses and get up outta here before I... Tonya... what's going on here? These two claim that a homeless woman stole from them. And they want us to line up our clients like a bunch of criminals so they can pick her out. Well, that's not exactly true. Hi, I'm Jess White. I'm the manager. Hi, I'm Ed... ...na Greenleaf. So why don't you tell me what's going on here? OK, the other night, I ran into this homeless woman on the street. She was really ugly. Anyway, I think she might have taken something of mine. I see. Yep. And, what would that be? If you don't mind my asking. - It was, uhh... - Her identity. She took your identity? Oh, it's... kind of hard to explain. You... you mean your ID? That's right. Her ID. Oh, well, I guess I can see why you'd want that back. - Yeah, I know, right? - So, umm... can you describe her for me? Yeah, umm, she's about 80 years old, with this wild, grey hair, and this really big crooked nose. Tell her about the walking stick. Oh yeah, she had this massive wooden walking stick. Yeah, like a magic wand. - Like a magic wand? - Uhuh. What a plain Jane, huh? Yeah, I know. You should have asked her out. What? She was a five at best. Yeah, but together you'd make a ten. You're an asshole. Five shelters and no sign of her. Buddy, I've got to tell you I'm starvin marvin, you know what I'm saying? This may be harder than I thought. Look, uhh... maybe we should eat something. Maybe get a little Thai food? - Maybe, just a... - What? Some Thai food. Man, I'm starving, come on. Sure. Whatever. OK. OK. Look. Listen to me. We will find this homeless woman. This witch. Whatever it is you think she is, we will find her. Yeah, but what do I do until then? I'm a chick, Steve. Well, you know what? - Embrace it. - Embrace it? Yes, Eddie. Embrace it. I mean, come on, Eddie, think about it. A chance for you to see what it's like on the other side. Right? Embrace that! And, hey... it may be a good time to do a little research for your third book. Yeah. - Hmm. - There you go. Yeah. I'm starving. Going to eat. Good morning. How can I help you? Hey, guys. Ma'am. Umm, look. We're here to get my sister here some chick clothes. He, she needs a little of everything. Fabulous. You've come right place. What is size? Uhh, 32 regular. Ha, just kidding. Umm... I'm a size... - Two? - Yeah, sure, two. Great. OK. So, uhh... you guys are from Russia, right? Da, Moscow. Da. Cool. In winter is so cold we pray, global warming. Hell, no. Oh, something wrong? Yeah, this is messed up. Wrong size? You tell me. Holy shit. Looks a good fit. So it's supposed to feel like someone's cutting you in half with a rusty butter knife? Da, pretty much. I mean, I have to admit... I do like how this displays the goods. Perky, like pair of chipmunks. Steve, what do you think? Marry me. Oh, shut the fuck up. No, I'm serious. Marry me. Because you and I, we make a great couple. What happens when I go through the change? I'm not giving you any more hand jobs. She's really not my sister. Americans. No, no, no, she's actually a little more like my brother. I'm sorry, Eddie. But, you mind turning around and give me a little bit of that rusty butter? You're an idiot. OK. Oh my, oh my You really got my attention You made me stop What I was doing You made me Look in your direction Yeah Hey, Eddy. How're you doing, man? - Yeah, good to see you. - Nice to see you. Eddy, Ed... Edna. Edna, Eddy. Edna, my pleasure. Ooh, firm handshake. Buddy, she needs the works. What do you think? I mean, give her the works and put your... We don't need to do much. We'll just do her hair. Right, right. I got an amazing hair stylist, my wife. - Your wife? - Your wife? She's the best. Yeah, she's amazing. You will be more than happy. That's wonderful, Eddy, thank you. Thank you so much. Sweetie. Come on out, baby. Someone to meet somebody. You snapped. You know what that means? - I know, I know. - Excited. Right? Edna, this is James. Edna, James. - The best. - Welcome to our salon. - Only the best. - Eddy James he starts, I finish. Always a happy ending. Well... So are we doing anything with him? I'm fine. - It's all about her. - It's her today, baby. - No, no, no. - Don't. - Come on, not today. - Don't even, start with it. Me, not today? You snap and look at him, the way you just looked at him- - No, it's really about her. - Yeah. Which is why I'm having a co... ex... - a conversation... - I'm sorry. with my husband. You're flirting. Oh, no, I'm not, babe. You know you're the one for me. - Anyways. - I'm sorry. Yes, that's what I need. And enough of that. Sweetheart, listen, let's get you started. Don't worry about this. That's between him and I. We'll take care of you just fine. You're in good hands, magic hands. Come with me. Do your magic. You know I do. So... when the husband snaps I have magic to perform. So... I am gonna give you a little... Oh, gosh, I don't know. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you more waves than a Hawaiian surf competition, how does that sound? - Steve! - Yo? What do you think? That's hot. Hot. It is hot, Steve. I mean, look at her but then look at you. How about I do you next, handsome? OK, I'm good. - Come on, Steve. - Come on, Steve. Let James work his magic. I'm good. Steve... I promise I won't hurt you. Ah! Unless you want me to... OK. Is it gonna hurt? Oh, don't worry. It's like giving head to a babushka. Hmm? OK. One. Two. Three! He... she deserves it. OK. Last time I'm shopping with you, pal. Here we go. Look, I gotta get back to the office. But listen to me. I'm meeting Molly at the GC Marketplace. We're gonna discuss the contract of your third book, so if you care to join us for a drink... I'm not hitting on you. - Right... - Eddie, look, I get it. You're Eddie, you're not Edna. I get that. - Uhuh. - I mean... I must have lost my mind, I mean you think about it. The situation's a little scary, right? - Yeah, you can say that again. - OK, so... we talked about this. Embrace it. - Uhuh. - Maybe see what it's like on the other side. - OK, you're right. - Cool. And maybe... wear the slinky black dress with the high heels and the thong. Hello. Hi. Are you new here? Yeah, I'm all new. I've never seen you here before. Can you put some lotion on my back, please? OK. Rub me really good. - Problem with the machine? - No, problem with these. - Not used to running with them. - You just get them done? - Yeah, you can say that. - Well kudos to your doctor. - They look totally natural. - You think so? Yeah, yeah. I mean that Id have to feel - them to know for sure. - Excuse me? Yeah. What do you say after work out, - we go back to my place, huh? - Unbelievable. - Come on, babe. - I have a penis! Well, so, I end my set. I walked off the stage and started looking for this young lady. Well, shes sitting at this bar, just like you. And then I walked up holding this panties, and I say, "I think this belong to you." And she says, "Actually," but starts laughing though, "Actually, they are gift for my grandmother." So after taking a look at them, I realized... - They are granny panties. - Yeah, big ones. Well anyway, youve got my number. Alright, so give me a call. Ill see you, gorgeous. Wait a minute, arent you Frank Stallone? Sure, kid. - Who is that guy? - Frank Stallone. Right. I knew it. He doesnt remember me. We had this night, I mean, it was dark and he... he was... he... he... I'll tell you about it some other time. Back to business, beautiful. I just... - Not gonna happen. - As in not gonna happen? - Ever. - As in never? Ever. Ever. Ever. - So I guess thats a no. - I would rather die. Okay. Get to the point next time. - Holy shit! - Hi, Molly Morrison. - Edna Greenleaf. - Greenleaf? - Yeah, I am Eddies sister. - Oh! - Nice to meet you. - Very nice to meet you. She is great, great, great. What the fuck did you do? What happened sweetheart? Just a little... I had a little bit trouble, you know? - A little bit? - Dont wear makeup much? Its my first time. I mean, me and Eddie, - we are from Amish country. - More like clownish country. - Again. - Interesting. No. Hey, look. What is interesting, ladies. We dont care about you. Go this way. Okay, umm... what are we doing? You ever heard of Van... D... Gogh. Hes got no ears! What do you know. Hey, how are you guys doing? Hey dreamboat. NO, not you, shipwreck. I was taking to... - What took you guys so long? - Rome wasnt built a day. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Rome. I like that show. I watch that show. Drink? Let me get the drink. Hey, isnt that chick from homeless shelter. - Jess something. - Yeah. I think so. - I wonder why she is here alone. - Who cares? - I think I am gonna go say hi. - Wh... why? - To be polite. - You? I mean, yeah. Go ahead. And I am outta here, ok? - Sounds good. - Yeah, me too. Wait a minute. How would you like a ride? - I think I am going right... - No. Okay. How about you give me a ride home - because I dont have a car. - No. You know, I saw this article today. - Hi. - Hi. Do you mind if I join you? - Do we know each other? - Yeah, we met at the homeless shelter. I was looking for that - homeless woman took my ID. - Oh, thats right. - Your name was... Edna. - Yeah, Edna. - Sure, have a seat. - Thanks. - Its Jess, right? - Yup. So you here alone? - No. - Alright. - You want some? - Im good, thanks. So did you ever find that woman you were looking for? - Not yet. - You got... - What? - You got something here. - Thank you. - There. All gone. - Can I ask you something? - Yeah. Sure. - Are you hitting on me? - I am sorry. I mean, I am flattered and all. But... - I am straight. - Yeah, so am I. Oh. Oh my gosh. I am so sorry. No, its fine. Dont worry about it. Well, in fact, its been a while since... - since anyone hit on me. - Really? Its hard to believe. Ok. Its all about confidence. You have to believe you are the most attractive, - desirable person in the room. - Yeah, thats not me. Okay, well, theres always liquid confidence. - Liquid confidence? - Mhm. Thank you. Ok, Jess. Do you see that guy over there at the bar? I want you to go over and talk to him. Nope. No way. Come on. What is the worst thats gonna happen? Ill try to flirt, and he'll laugh so hard that he... he falls off his chair, bangs his head, and he is in coma. Wow, youve got quite an imagination. - I'm just saying, I cant. - Come on, Jess. Come on. You are a smart, confident woman. That guy, he would be so lucky to date you. I'm a smart, confident woman... - Ok. - Ok. Wait. Do you need those glasses? - Only to see. - OK. Thats fine. - Okay. - You look great. - Hi. - Hey. Watching the game? Yeah, I am watching the game. - Im Jess. - Dylan. So, Dylan, you come here often? Look. I bet you are really nice person, but I have girlfriend, and Im a little bit busy right now. - So I am sorry. - I am really sorry. Friggin Dodgers. Biggest payroll in baseball and they're playing like minor leaguers. Tell me about it. I know. I bet you can hit better than Bradley. - And look better doing it. - Dylan. - Edna. - Edna, can I buy you a drink? - Yeah, sure. - What would you like to have? Dirty martini. Extra dirty. Papa, can I get a dirty martini. Extra dirty, please. So, Edna, how come Ive never seen you? - Its me first time in here. - I guess this is my lucky day. I guess its mine too. Thank you. - Can I ask you a question? - Sure. Shoot. - Are you single? - As matter of fact, I am. I see. - What the hell? - Come on, Jess. We are going. He is a right wanker anyway. - That was awesome. - It really was. You shot that guy down. Down to the ground. - You just snorted. - Oh, I am sorry. Come on. Its really cute. - Why are hot guys like that? - What do you mean? - You know like... ow! - I am sorry, Jess. - Like superficial dirt bags. - I know, right. - Why do you think that is? - I... I dont know. - I mean, men right? - Men. Do you want me to give you a ride back to mine? Jess, are you ok? You all right? Look. Its cheese fries. I mean, are you all right? Im going to take you back to mine. Welcome to adult warehouse. The paradise for sexually-active adults. Um, hi. I was kinda, you know, wandering outside, and thought Id come in have a look. Dont worry, nothing in here bites. - Unless you want it to. - Good one. - Do you have any questions? - We are here to serve you. Yeah. You guys have anything you recommend if you wanna, you know. - Get your Amelia Earhart on? - Im sorry? She means fly solo. Yeah, yeah, that. - Wonderful. - Right this way. This is where youll find your beaver buzzers, magic wands, pussy plungers, hamburger helpers and wacky wobblers. Personally, I like the butterfly. It really makes me squirt! And I like the butterfly too. You can even get one with a butt plug. It makes you wonder why you put up with guys and all their games. It really does. Hey! That blow-up doll is for display purposes only! Yeah, we're talking to you, pal! School principals. Well... have fun. Find us if you have any more questions. Holy shit! Need some help? Yeah, thanks. Never been here before. Well, I think they have a, a policy. You knock it to the floor, you bought it. Well, I guess I'll have to throw a party, then. I'm Matt. - Edna. - I'm here to... find a gag gift for my... my buddy's bachelor party. Wow, if you're looking to gag someone I think this might do the trick. Wow. Think they modeled that on someone? Yeah. Sea Biscuit. A girl who knows her horses. That's really unusual. Yeah. - I'm pretty unusual. - Really? OK, I... I know this might seem forward and all, but... what would you think about meeting me for a cup of coffee some time? Now, you don't have to decide right now. Here's my card. You get thirsty, you give me a call. All right. And, it doesn't have to be coffee. It could be tea. Whatever you like. It's on me. I think I'm gonna fix him up with Jess. Uhuh. - An investment banker. - Uhuh. - Not bad. - He's pretty good looking, too. OK. Is that Eddie or Edna talking? - Umm... - I'm just saying. So, uhh... wow. Where'd you meet him? Where? Yeah, where? What is it, a secret? Nope. So where'd you meet him? Adult Warehouse. I mean, I had to get out of here before I wore out my nipples. Oh, really? Yeah, I get that. The question is did you buy anything... What? - I mean... - Eddie! I mean, really? I said embrace it, but... - I just... - This, this will kill you. I thought it might be useful for my third book, you know? Third book? Third and final book. What are you doing to yourself here? My god. - Yeah... - I mean... you embraced it. OK, I just gotta tell you. This, the whole thing, I'm not feeling too good about, this. Well, I just wanted to test my female parts, you know? I'm out of here, pal. You've got your own... you're home now. That's just too much. Don't worry, OK? We'll find a place for you to sleep tonight. Even if you have to come home and stay at mine. - OK? - OK. So sweet. - Edna. Hi. - Hi, Jess. Why don't you go wait by there? OK, then? Just stopping by, cause I found you a date. You did? He's nice-looking, successful, good sense of humor. What do you think? I don't know... Oh, come on, Jess, you asked me to introduce you to someone. I know. So, what's the problem? It's just... I don't think I can take any more rejection right now, OK? There are a few things we could do to improve your chances. What do you mean? Do you trust me? Yes... Sweetheart, listen. When I get done with you... you are going to attract more men, than pre-menopausal Madonna. - Oh, you really think so? - I know so. You see these hands? These are magical hands. And they should be registered with the Magicians' Guild of America. Trust me, Jess, he's the best. That's what he said. Uhuh. OK, here I come. Wow. You've become beautiful moth. Don't you mean, butterfly? Whatever. Are you sure it's not a little, too revealing? No, no. It's the, uhh, perfect amount of revealing. Now you are ready, become trophy wife. Oh, that's not my goal. All you have to do is be yourself. I mean, there's a lot to like. You think so? More than you know. Can I ask you something? - Sure. - How come... you haven't tried to fix me up with your brother? - With Eddie? - Uhuh. Umm... Uhh... Because I don't know when he's coming back. Where did he go? Eddie... went to prison. Shut up. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. It's OK. It must be really hard on your family. Yeah, it is. Can I ask what he did? Eddie's a fraud. I mean like, he committed a fraud. Wow. Really? - Crazy white people. - Tell me about it. I think this one is a lesbian. Really? Strange vibe. Maybe you should fix her up with your cousin. She doesn't like white chicks. I'm thinking of taking Eddie's place in the fashion show. It's for a good cause, right? No, I was out with Jess. We went and got pedicures. My feet have never looked so good. What? I am not sending you a picture of my feet. Goodbye, Steve! I mean what's the big deal with this thing? Damn. OK, remember. If you and Matt hit it off just say the code word and I'll make an excuse to leave. Bananas. Hmm? All right, we're here. - Hi. - Hi. I hope you don't mind, I... brought along a friend. This is Jess. - This is Matt. - Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. So, what would you guys like to drink? No, no, no. Let me get this. No, no. You guys chat and get to know each other. I'll go get the drinks. - OK. - A cappuccino. Cool. Here you go. - What can I get started for you? - Uhh, two cappuccinos, please. Here you go. Hey. That's for you. You gotta get those young ladies used to getting flowers, you know? That's true, that's true. It's not gonna be the last time, hopefully. Hopefully not. Can I get your name? And your number? What? What do you need my number for? So I can call you later. OK, look. I'm a dude. You're a dude. Yeah, that's right. What're you playing? Hide the banana? Yeah, something like that. You could've just said no, thanks. You're a fine-ass dude, though. - There you go. - Oh, thank you. Cappuccino. Did you know that Matt volunteers at a homeless shelter? - No. - Yeah, it's no big deal. I... I was raised by a family who believe in giving back. Oh. Actually, he's gonna volunteer at my shelter this weekend. Really? Yeah, I figure I'm doing my part no matter which shelter I'm at. OK. So at what shelter do you normally volunteer at? Uhh, you... probably wouldn't know. It's on the other side of town. Actually... I know pretty much every shelter in town. Right. Go on, give me a try. Uhh... OK, umm... Well, it's... umm... it's on... Edna, did you happen to see if the, umm... if they have any bananas? I'm sorry? You know, bananas. My banana's gone AWOL. What? I mean, our bananas. They don't have any bananas. Oh... Uhh, I'd be happy to split my cup cake with you. - Oh god. - Thank you, that's so sweet. You know, I'm gonna really have to go. I've got something really important to take care of. - Oh, really? - Uhuh. Yeah, but you guys, you guys have fun. Get to know each other. Is that OK with you, Jess? I'd like that. Great. See ya. Yeah. So... tell me a little about yourself. Well, umm, as you know I work... - You're jealous. - No, I'm not. Bullshit. Look, I'm just a little worried about her. Why? You're the one who set them up, right? I thought it'd be different. Different? Why? What do you mean? Like what? Different than us. What? Look. Maybe it's my female hormones talking, but... the idea of tricking women to get them into bed, it just seems... wrong. Is there any other way? Besides, you're the one who wrote the how-to manual. - I know. - Actually, two manuals - the blog, the article... - I said I know. - Touchy. - Hey, you're the one who told me I should start looking at stuff from a female's perspective. Damn, I did, didn't I? Umm, I'm just starting to realize there's more to life than one-night stands. Is there? I mean, haven't you ever thought about being in a relationship? You know, like getting married? Dude, that's messed up. Is it? I mean, come on, Eddie. Please, you're starting to sound like an old woman, or an old man or, whatever it is that you are. - OK, maybe you're right. - No, I am right. It's just... you know, Jess, she's different to the other girls I've been with. What is that supposed to mean, Eddie? She's kind, she's smart, she's vulnerable. And when she laughs, she does like, you know, this sort of snort thing. It's really cute. Oh shit! You're falling for her. - That's crazy. - Is it? - Hey, we're up next! - You know I'm right. - Yeah? - I know you're an idiot. Yeah, I'm an idiot, but you're in love with Jess. You're in love with Jess. You're in love with... You're an idiot. - Hi. - Hi. I was just actually running a bath. Oh. I can go and come back. Don't be silly, come on in. I can pour you some wine, we can talk while I soak. Oh. Something wrong? Uh, no. Good. So, red or white? Uhh, red. Red would be great. Red it is. This is my kitchen. Oh, very nice. I like it. Sorry, it's a little bit of a mess. No, no. Oh, this is all that's left. Oh. Thirsty? Yeah. All right, then. Follow me. Have a seat right there. I'd invite you to join me, but... Are you all right, Edna? What? I'm good. OK. So, you said you wanted to talk? Yeah, yeah, I'm just kind of curious about how things with you and Matt go. Really well. We've been talking every day on the phone. Oh, so you're gonna see him again? Tomorrow, when he volunteers at the shelter. Right. You know, he seems like a great guy. Yeah, I mean, he does seem that way, doesn't he? Plus, he is so dreamy. OK, Jess. Promise me you'll be careful again. What do you mean? I just don't know Matt that well. And sometimes, guys... they can be snakes. You're so sweet. Yeah. I'm a lot of things. So, how come you didn't go after Matt yourself? He's not really my type. - No? - Nah. Plus... kind of have my eye on someone else. Oh, is it that guy you came by the shelter with? - Steve? - Yes. No. He wishes. Nah, not him. Someone who... doesn't really know how I feel about them. Then why don't you just go for it? - Edna. - Umm... I can't. Come on. You're a smart, confident woman. Any guy would be lucky to date you. Touch. So I said, "How about a little notice." - What a concept. - I know, right? Excuse me. I noticed you came out from Lewis, Brown and Anderson. - Yeah? - Do you know Matt Flannery? - I work for him. - You do? Yeah, why? I met him the other day and he asked me out. - He asked you out? - Yeah. - I don't think so, honey. - What do you mean? - Matt's happily married. - With three kids. How do you know the guy was married? I talked to his secretary. Damn, you're good. Yeah? And Matt's a scumbag. Huh. What? Come on, you gotta give this guy some props, right? It's quite the scam he pulled off. I'd like to give him something, but it ain't props. Well, you know what? Old Eddie would have been impressed. Yeah, well, new Eddie would like to kick old Eddie's ass. Yeah? I'd put my money on old Eddie, cause new Eddie seems a little gay. You're an idiot. I know. This is complicated. Oh, Edna! Hi, Jess, you made it. Thanks for inviting me. - And for the backstage pass. - Sure. Did you come alone? Yeah, I invited Matt, but he, uhh, he had to go out of town for work. - Really? - Yeah. OK, you're all set. You should report to the staging area. OK, thanks. Edna, I have to tell you, Matt is such a great guy. After we got done at the shelter he took me for a ride on his motorcycle. And then, after dinner, we stopped by his boat for a nightcap. He has a boat? Well, actually Matt says it's called a sloop because it has three masts. Damn, he's good. Well, I wouldn't know that. I have this rule, no sex until the third date. But, I will say he is a very good kisser. OK, listen, I need to tell you something, Jess. What is it? OK, how do I put this? Just say it. Matt is, umm... Yeah? married. - You're wrong. - I spoke to his secretary. Why are you doing this? To protect you, Jess. You deserve to be with someone who really cares about you. Not someone who's running a scam. I knew it! You're a lesbian! What? No, I'm not a lesbian. I am just a man trapped in a woman's body. What? Look, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but the thing is... I ran into a homeless woman the other day. She asked me to kiss her. Said it would prove that I could see the beauty in all women. I refused. The next day I wake up, I am no longer Eddie. I am Edna. And so, I need to find her. Because all I can figure is, you know, she's put some kind of spell on me. And so, once I find her she can change me back into being Eddie. Come on, say something. I don't ever want to see you again. - What? - Don't call me, don't text me, don't just stop by and see me! You're a sick, sick person! Just, leave me alone. Jess, come back! The thing is, ever since the show I haven't been able to control my emotions. Like, someone cuts me off, I bawl my eyes out. Ketchup spills on my shirt, I bawl my eyes out. That's messed up. I'd rather be a little bit emotional than a cold, heartless bastard like you. Ouch. Oh shit. I'm sorry. That's all right. I was born out of wedlock. I mean, I know I've been hurting over Jess, but this... this feels like more than that. Hey, maybe it's your female hormones. Yeah, maybe. Well, hey, look. It's still early. What do you say we go out, hit a club or something? While I'm an emotional wreck? How self-centered can you be, Steve? I mean... what? What? You'd think we're fucking already or something. - Shit, I did it again. - Uhuh. I really have a problem. Yeah? Well... My best friend has turned into a really hot chick and every night I've been having sex dreams about him. Her. See, you're not the only one with problems here, pal. I'm sorry, I didn't know. Yeah, well, I'm not too proud of that one. Right. Come on, Eddie, let's just change the subject. Yeah. Do me a favor, pass me the controls, maybe there's a game on or something. - You know what? - What? - Let's do it. - Do what? Like, let's do it. - Are you fucking serious? - Yes, I'm fucking serious. I mean, I should really take my female equipment out on a test drive. And who better to lose my virginity to - than my best friend? - Because I can drive! I can drive. And you are serious. You are serious, right? I'm as serious as pink on a pregnancy test. OK, that's great! That is great. That is so sweet. Don't be fucking with me, cause if you're fucking with me... Mate, I'm being serious. I'm gonna go and freshen up. Afterward... me and you... are gonna do the nasty. I love the nasty. I love the nasty. Wait a minute. You do have a vagina, right? - Yes. - Good. Important. For the old in and outie. OK, umm... You, like, make yourself comfortable. I'll be right back. Ugh. What's wrong? You OK? Oh! What the fuck? What... what, what, what did you do? I think I'm dying! There's so much blood, Eddie! Call 911! Hey. Hey, excuse me. Thanks for the tampon. - Well, that was embarrassing. - Yes. Yes, it was. - Umm... thanks for the... - No problem. No problem. OK. OK. So you know that thing that we were gonna do... Don't worry about that. Do not... worry about that. I am... I, I, I will not be having any more of those kind of dreams. Right. Yeah. I'm, uhh... I'm totally cured. I get it. Yeah, I'll tell you what, I should get going. Got to get back to the office. I've got to... - Yeah. - Yeah. I'll, uhh... I'll uhh... I'll, I'll talk to you later. - See you later, Steve. - I'm good. I'll see you. Oh, wait. Do I have something on my face? I'll see you. Look, how many times do I have to tell you? I don't do full-frontal. What? How much does it pay? Oh yeah. I'm in. Call me back. Can I help you? Yeah, I'll have a small latte, and uhh... let me get whatever the young lady here would like. No thanks. I insist. I'm trying to live my life by paying it forward. OK, that's great and all, but I'd rather just pay for my own drink. Come on, babe. It would really make my day. OK, look, I know what you're doing. I used to be just like you. So trust me when I say, scamming women to get them into bed is a shallow, meaningless way to live. At the end of the day it's love that really matters. Uhuh. You go, girl. I'll be damned... Dude... you just dodged a bullet. Chick is hiding a banana. She's got, balls. - Wow. - I know, right? It's a little different to your first two books. Well, I mean, I'm a little different. True. - True. - So, what do you think? I don't know, Eddie. I don't know, I mean... all this stuff about intimacy respect, romance... I mean, come on. You really think sex is better between two people who are in love? Yeah. I do. Hm. Love is the answer, pal. Your ass is the answer, Eddie. Edna. God, I gotta stop. Hey! You don't respect elders, do you? Fuck off. You... Yeah. Oh! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Yeah! Fuck, yes! Yes! Phone! Phone. Phone. Come on. OK, OK. Steve! It's Eddie. Listen to me, it's Eddie. I'm back, man. I'm back! Fuck yes! I think Chapter Seven, you'll really like it. Next. All right. Bye. - Hello. - Hi. Can I just say, you are the perfect man. Well, that's very kind of you, but I am... far from perfect. I don't know. You understand and respect women. Plus, you're so damn handsome. That's very kind of you. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Steve Burns, I'm his agent. - I always introduce myself. - Next. - Hi. - Hi. Right here. You really liked it? That was good. Here he is. Hey, pal. Hey, buddy. Hey, listen. We've got to get going. We've got a... dinner reservation tonight to celebrate our six-month anniversary, actually. - Six months already? - Yeah. - Wow, congrats. - Thank you. Are you sure you won't let me set you up with my roommate? Yeah... no, no... I really think you'd hit it off. I appreciate the offer, but no, thank you. All right, if you change your mind, let us know? - Will do. - OK? - Go on. - If you change your mind. - If I change my mind. Have fun. - See you, pal. See ya. Eddie. Jess. - Hi. - Hi. Wow, you look amazing. Oh. Thanks. So, umm... Uhh... - Read your book. - You did? Uhuh. - I really liked it. - I'm glad. You dedicated it to me. Yeah. Well, you know, you played a big role in helping me change. Yeah. About that. So... you and Edna... One and the same. Oh. - Wow. - Crazy, huh? Yes... and no. You know, I've got an idea. Why don't we start this thing all over? Hello. I'm Eddie Greenleaf. - Jess White. - Jess White? - Uhuh. - Wow. So are you seeing anyone? Uh, no. Not since I discovered the last guy I was dating was married. - I'm sorry to hear that. - Yeah. A friend tried to warn me, but I wouldn't listen. In fact, I was really mean to her. You know, I think she forgives you. So, how about you? Are you... seeing anyone? Actually... I kind of fell in love for the first time in my life last year. You did? Yeah. The timing, though, it wasn't right, unfortunately. Well... maybe you should give it another shot. I was just thinking exactly the same thing. So, can I buy you a latte? - I'd really like that. - Yeah? - Yeah. - Let's get out of here then. Mark. - You had the book signing. - Uhuh. The release party. Sex with a homeless model... Oh fuck, a homeless model. I love the homeless kind of look. It's just, you know... The book signing. Sex with a homeless- Oh for fuck's sake! That homeless woman's in my head. Buddy, let me tell you something. I'm, I'm starving, ok. This may be harder than I thought. OK, we might have to go back to Knock, knock! This is where you find your beaver buzzers magic wands, pussy punchers, hamburger helpers and wacky wobblers. Personally, I like the butterfly. Fuck. - Well? - This stuff is good. - Not bad, right? - Yeah, what is it? - Bocelios. - Hmm. Dos celios. This stuff's good. What is it? Dos selios. This stuff is good. What is it? The thing is... Oh. For fuck's sake. Yes, I'm fucking serious. I mean, I really should take my female equipment out with... What am I doing? Hey, hey. Hey, excuse me. Thanks for the cond... Not the condom, fuck. Come on. OK. Eddie! No, I'm fucking Eddie. Fuck! Back. Make yourself comfortable and I'll... be right back. Yes! She must have put a spell on me. That's the only thing that makes sense. OK. So... we're looking for this magical mystery kind of homeless woman, right? I mean, I don't know. I guess so. OK. Maybe she was a witch. - A witch. - All right, did you see it yet? Because the gig's up. Can I ask you a question? I'm so sorry. Not in. Uhuh. |
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