1
Damn it!
Ralph?
It didn't work.
The damn thing's too big.
We'll have to wait
until the post office opens.
Ralph?
(CAT MEOWS)
Hey, Fred.
Get off the table.
Ralph?
Are you in here? Ralph?
Huh.
Hey, what have you got there?
(HUMMING BONANZA THEME)
Are you tense?
No. Why?
You're singing.
It bothers me.
I like the song.
It's a catchy tune.
Hey, that's the song from Bonanza.
I loved that show.
(BOTH HUM BONANZA THEME)
Yeah.
Hey, you're a Bonanza fan, right?
Let me ask you a question.
What was the deal on Hoss?
I mean, Hoss didn't look like
those other guys in the family, did he?
Seriously, the guy looked like
he was some sort of orderly
in a Swedish mental
institution, didn't he?
You had Adam, Little Joe...
he didn't look like those guys.
What was it, different moms?
Did you ever notice that?
Am I the only one?
Are you going to shut up
so we can play cards?
Hey, chill out, would you?
I just thought we'd have a
little conversation here.
You guys are so serious.
Listen, I don't give a shit
who you are,
but I don't like
the way you play poker.
So why don't you
just play cards?
Weren't you the host of
The Dating Game for a while?
(LAUGHTER)
I like this guy.
Hey, Al, remember the episode
where Hoss picked that guy up...
You know, I think the reason
you're not playing your cards
is you're not holding
anything, funny guy.
Three hundred.
Normie?
Here's $200.
Thanks.
See your three,
and I'll raise you a G.
$1,000 dude.
MAN: Too rich for me,
fellas.
I'm out.
It's only $300.
Where's the grand?
Hey, I'm good for it.
Are you?
No dough, no go.
Okay.
Fleetwood across the street.
'69. Cherry.
Mint.
Harry, I, um...
Ahem.
You're bluffing.
Huh?
I call.
Pair of 10's.
Whoa, what a play, Nick.
Hell of a play, seriously.
I never saw that coming.
I thought I had you.
Did my eye twitch?
We've got to go.
Hey! Hey!
That son of a bitch is stealing my car.
Come on, guys, let's get him.
Hey, fellas, come on.
What do you think, I was
going to run out on you?
The guy is taking
my car over here.
Aah!
Come on, Norman!
You're messing with
the Cartwrights now, son.
You got any
cocktail sauce around?
Whoo! Ha ha!
Harry, you frigging meatball.
This time you went too far!
And don't come back!
Come on, Normie!
Come on!
Hey, it doesn't get
any better than this, man.
Harry, I don't think I can
play cards with you anymore.
I'm not in good enough shape.
Maybe if we won every once in a while,
we could get to walk home.
Oh, man. What are you whining about, man?
We had some laughs.
Yeah, right.
So we're on a little
losing streak here.
Some losing streak.
Your losing streak should put me in the hospital.
NORM: Now look, I've got to tell you something.
This is pissing me off.
Harry, you had him.
- You had him cold, and then you let him know.
- What are you talking about?
Everybody in that room knew.
Knew what?
That you were bluffing.
Did my eye twitch?
Because that's when it...
No, Harry, it's worse.
You have no sense of commitment.
I don't know what's wrong with you lately.
You're lacking something.
I'm lacking $600.
Two of which is mine.
I know two of which is yours.
It's okay, because when I win the lotto...
Oh, lotto, again with the lotto.
Will you smarten up?
I'll pay you back your two,
and then I'm going to buy
my best buddy a car.
- Really?
- I might pick you something up, too.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Aah!
(HUMMING BONANZA THEME)
You know, the Cartwrights were really snobs
when you think about it.
Because they were the richest
people in the area,
and they were paying Hop Sing shit, you know?
He didn't make anything.
NORM: I have a surprise
for you.
I got something
for you and Georgette.
HARRY: Hey!
- You like it?
- Yeah, man. Where did you get this?
I got it at 2nd
and Monroe yesterday.
You think it'll work?
Good job, Buddy!
Yeah, it'll be perfect.
We'll put it right up in the top left.
You still upset about the money?
Huh?
No.
I'm upset about
giving it to you.
(LAUGHS)
See what I'm talking about?
Right up on top there in the back.
Look good, right?
Yeah, I'll go look at it.
Want some breakfast?
Yeah.
Thank you.
He looks good, right?
Yeah, she looks great.
I tell you, Norman,
I'm going to have a hard time
getting rid of this guy.
Uh huh.
Ready?
Good morning, George.
(BEEPING)
(CLIPS OF TV BROADCASTS)
Check this out.
You ready?
Something new.
Huh?
Whoo!
Harry, all right!
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, man.
Isn't that great?
I'm getting a gigantic
Kleenex for his nose, too.
Come here.
One more thing.
I want you to...
It sticks sometimes.
Oh.
Aah!
- It's great, right?
- It's beautiful. When did you do this?
Last week. I did all the sinus cavities
in one day last week.
- All right, man. I'm proud of you.
- Thanks!
(BEEPING)
What's going on?
(BUZZING AND STATIC)
(THEME MUSIC)
Grandmothers, mothers,
fathers, sons...
- Where are my lotto tickets?
- And all other living creatures that anted up...
I can feel it, Norman.
Today's my day, buddy.
...put some lucky lotto winner
on top of the world.
That's right, this is
Tom T. Murray,
and your chance
to win, win, win.
Let's play lotto!
Give me a 35.
Give me a 35.
Our first number is...
35.
Yes! Norman, I've got
something here.
I'm out.
- The second number is...
14, Tommy, 14, Tommy!
- 39.
- Tom, you're a jerk! Jeez. Every week.
Week after week,
I go through this.
If I ever see Tom Murray on the street,
I'm going to choke the guy.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
The fourth number is...
9.
You know her?
No.
Who is it?
I'm looking for
a Mr. Harrison Patrick Berg.
What do you think?
- Cop.
- You're dreaming. No way that face is a cop.
(KNOCKING)
Can I help you?
Uh, Mr. Berg, I've got
an envelope for you.
It's a little bit early
for deliveries, isn't it?
Uh, it's special.
How special?
It's a summons.
Told you.
Look buddy, I've been on your job
for a long time.
This is a serious matter.
You either deal now or hang later.
This summons, I have to touch it
physically, right? I mean, that's the law?
Yeah, that's the law.
All right. I'll tell you what
we'll do.
You go back 10 paces, by that pillar behind you,
and then I'll open the door.
Go ahead.
Okay.
No, Harry, she's cheating.
She cheats. Ooh.
I like her already.
Come on, no cheating now.
You want to do this, you've
got to play it straight.
Back up and start over.
Come on.
All right.
All right, here's what we'll do.
Take the, uh, envelope,
and put it right down
in there between us.
Make that like a neutral
country, like Switzerland.
- But...
- No, no. Nice try, but I'm like a cat,
I could be back here in a flash.
Come on.
Okay?
Put the envelope down.
Down. A little lower.
A little bit. Almost.
It's so close.
Come on. Just...
Drop it. Let go of it.
Ahh!
All right. Now, I'm Harry Berg.
Nice to meet you.
Hi. Rachel Dobs.
A pleasure.
See? This is working.
(SIGHS)
So, Rach, what's this
about a summons?
Back alimony.
(LAUGHS) No, there's a mistake here.
I don't pay any alimony.
My ex-wife Hilda
doesn't need money.
She's loaded. She's got
a lot of rich boyfriends.
Mr. Berg, it's really not
my concern.
I'm a professional,
hired to do a job.
You're going to have to accept
the summons sooner or later,
so why don't you save us both
a lot of trouble?
Look, I'm tired
and I want to go home.
You do look beat.
Really.
Maybe you ought to get
a girl's job, you know,
stewardess, secretary, nurse,
something like that.
If I didn't have to deal with deadbeats like you,
it'd be a hell of a lot more pleasant.
Now would you please just
take the summons, OK Mr. Berg?
Slime!
Listen, you know what?
You deserve to live here
with the rest of the rats.
Slime!
Thanks for stopping by.
(LAUGHS)
I'm going to get you.
Slime!
She's cute.
MAN: that's what
I'm looking for.
Carmen, if you don't get these steps right,
I'm going to replace you.
Come on. Lift it up, girls.
Sell it. That's what I'm looking for.
Primordial.
Beautiful, ladies.
I'm going to take you home tonight
if you dance that way, OK baby?
Ah, Mira.
Two words. Dos palabras.
It's done. It's finished.
That's all I want to hear,
Harry. Two magic words.
More time.
Stop, I hate your face.
You're making me crazy, Harry.
I don't know what you want me to do.
This thing eats up tubes like TV dinners.
Mm-hmm.
It's giving me such a pain in the ass.
I'll tell you something.
I'll tell you what. You want it done,
you give me half the final payment.
That's all I'm asking for. Give me half of it,
and I can finish this thing.
Harry, everything is in place.
I've got the volcanoes,
I've got the primordial oozes, bubbling beautiful.
I've got the cave girls,
I've got the cannibalism.
- Harry, look at me when I talk to you!
- I can't, I'm working!
Do you know what else I've got
after nine months of work?
- What?
- I'll tell you.
I've got that, the biggest and most
expensive rear end in Manhattan.
First of all, you're the
biggest rear end in Manhattan.
Thank you.
Second of all, you want me to finish your lizard,
you've got to give me more time.
I'm not bullshitting you.
What would I bullshit you for?
I'm not going to lie to you.
Hey, Ruben, do you think I'm lying?
Look in my eyes and
tell me what you see.
Don't hold back, I can take it.
Bull. Shit.
By the way, your ex-wife Hilda?
She dropped off a note for you.
Whoa. I'm allergic
to paper from Hilda.
That's okay, baby.
I already read it.
She wants you to meet her
at the street festival.
Tonight.
When?
And don't stay out
too late, Harry.
The next time I see you,
I want to hear those two magic
words. "It's finished."
- You want two magic words? "More gloss."
- Don't be cute with me, Harry.
What are you standing around for, babies?
Come on, you're gaining weight.
Music!
(CARNIVAL SOUNDS)
Harry! Harry!
Harry!
Harry!
Before you even say anything,
before you open your mouth,
I'm totally broke.
I have no money.
Here, you want something?
I'll tell you what.
Take my watch.
Harry.
Are you all right?
I could be better.
Okay.
Okay, what is it?
I got into this big fight with this new
roommate of mine about the rent money.
So I moved out and I left this
important package on the kitchen floor.
And now, of course, you want me to go
pick it up for you, right?
One question.
Why me?
It's got a lot of sentimental value.
You're the only one I can trust.
Uh-huh.
Besides, I wanted
to see you again.
You know, you're unbelievable.
You're unbelievable.
You walk out on me
three years ago
without any warning,
and then you put
a skip-tracer on my ass,
and you know I don't have
a dime to my name.
And now look at you, you're treating me
like I'm some kind of an errand boy.
What are you looking at?
Your shirt.
What about the shirt?
Isn't that the shirt you wore that time
we stayed up at Coney Island all night?
Yeah, it is.
No, it's not.
No, it's not. I had a white t-shirt on.
I just finished a painting, and I had paint...
Oh yeah, yeah, you're right.
Wasn't that a great night?
Remember?
Oh, God, you were so crazy.
Oh, I was crazy?
Remember what we did, uh,
behind the roller coaster stand later, Harry?
Yeah.
You can take the package
to the Seville Hotel, 13-D.
I'm just staying there until
I get back on my feet again.
OK, Harry?
Okay.
Thanks.
You're the best.
(KNOCKS)
Anybody home?
Look at this.
She's dating the Beach Boys.
Good luck, Slick.
(CAT MEOWS)
Hey, kitty.
Remember old Harry?
Didn't think so.
(WHISTLES)
(SNIFFS)
You need a bath, cat.
Are you kidding me?
Aah! Aah!
God damn!
Jeez!
(CAT MEOWS)
(MEOWS)
Eww.
Phew.
(CAT SCREECHES)
Oh!
Sorry. Oh.
God damn, cat!
Whew.
"Ralph Vigo."
You ought to have a talk
with your manicurist, Ralph.
(KNOCKS)
Hilda!
(KNOCKS)
Hilda, it's Harry.
"Gem Vigo,
Boars club, 12..."
Gem Vigo?
Ralph Vigo.
Whoa.
Yeah, right.
Aah!
Aah!
How are you doing?
Ow! Aah!
Ooh!
I hope Titus didn't hurt you.
He was just trying to get your attention.
(FAN BUZZING)
I bet he's good at getting cabs.
(LAUGHS)
Actually, he has trouble with cabbies.
He makes them nervous.
Glandular problems.
You want to take a little
off the sides, there?
Aaugh! It's a joke!
Aah.
You know Hilda?
Faintly.
See, we came to visit,
but she wasn't in.
Actually, we're looking for this box,
about this big, black. Seen it?
Uh, what color
did you say it... Gaah!
No, I haven't seen the box!
Come here.
I want to tell you something
about Titus here.
He's done some really bad
things in his short life.
So have I, but, uh,
what the heck, that's life, right?
Heh. Forget about it.
See, but Titus
doesn't see it like that.
He sees himself
as a kind of antihero.
He believes in what he does.
He's righteous.
Do you know how far the righteous
will go to get what they want?
Hey, fellas, believe me, if I had the box
you guys would be the first guys I'd give it to.
Aah!
Beware the righteous.
Beware the righteous.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Hey, hold it down
out here, will you?
Get off of me!
Oh, it's my fault.
I'm so clumsy.
Yo, Titus! Move it!
Hey.
Harry!
Harry, did you hear?
What happened to your nose, Harry?
I guess you heard.
You know, Harry, I always liked her, man.
I always liked her.
Listen. That package I gave you,
what'd you do with it?
- I brought it back to the loft for you.
- Oh, God.
- What happened to your nose?
- Let me ask you another question.
Hilda. Do you think there's any way on earth
she could ever be involved in a murder?
I don't know about that, but she sure knows
how to make a killing, right?
- What are you talking about?
- What's the matter with you?
- Why'd you say killing?
- You don't know? It's in the papers, man.
Oh my God!
Oh my God, she's...
- Your ex, she hit the lottery. Look at this.
- What?
"Lucky Lady Hits Number.
Hilda Berg Wins $52,540."
Harry, now this divorce,
it's not final, right?
Because you can get,
you know, reconciliation,
you know, uh, counseling.
Fifty bucks an hour,
it's nothing.
Mm-hmm.
She won the lottery.
- She's got dead guys hanging in her closet.
- What?
She sends me to some sleaze-bag hotel
I wouldn't even stay in,
gets my ass kicked
by two cement heads,
and she wins the lottery.
This is getting weird.
- Harry, look at the number.
- I don't care what the number is.
5-8-8-3. So simple, 5883.
I mean, who would think, right?
What's the number?
Tell me the number again.
5883!
You know what that number is?
The date of my divorce.
(LAUGHS)
I'm going to...
I don't believe this!
I'm going to kill her!
You know I'm not a romantic, but that's low,
Norman. That is really low.
I'm going to kill her.
She uses our memories to win the lottery.
If I find her,
I'm going to kill her.
NYPD.
I'm going to scold her.
That's what I'll do.
I'll sit her down
and say "Hon?"
Right.
Harry Berg, right?
I'm going to sit her down
and say, "Honey..."
- Come on, Harry. We want to talk to you.
- Yeah, well I can't right now.
I'm talking about my wife.
We had a little argument.
How long you been divorced?
About three years.
We get along.
You still love her, Harry?
- Let me make this easy for you, Harry.
- All right.
- Your ex starts hanging out with a new guy.
- Right.
Now maybe you're
a little bit jealous, huh?
Maybe you're still carrying
a bit of a torch for her, huh?
That's only reasonable.
She's a good-looking woman, Harry.
- She's a really good-looking woman, huh?
- Thanks.
Now, maybe you go to see her,
just to sort of keep in touch,
but she ain't there.
He's there.
And maybe he tells you
to go kiss the asphalt.
Now maybe you get mad.
Maybe you get real mad.
Maybe you lose your cool, Harry.
Maybe you don't like being treated like that.
Huh, Harry? Huh?
You're out of your frigging
mind. Go ask Hilda.
Sit down! We'll ask Hilda
when we find her.
Right now
we're asking you, Harry.
You guys both know that guy was dead
by the time I got there.
Maybe you came back.
Do I look that dumb?
Hi, Arnold.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS AGAIN)
No dice with the summons?
Mr. Berg...
If I get one more door
slammed in my face...
It's just this job.
It's driving me crazy.
Whatever happened to, to theft,
fraud, extortion,
infidelity?
I need a case
with a little mystery,
something that I can
sink my teeth into.
Skip-tracing is an ancient
and an honorable profession,
besides being
our bread and butter.
Either you're into the hunt,
the human hunt, or you're not.
Ever since Cain had to find out
which cave Abel was hiding in,
we've been providing
a valuable service.
So stop your bellyaching.
Chin up, and remember my motto...
"Go forth and
hunt the insolvent."
Greaseballs.
(LOUD CRACKLING)
Oh shit!
Ladies, gentlemen, reindeer,
start your engines for a
Crazy Eddie Christmas in August
car stereo blowout blitz!
(LOUD HISSING)
Shit!
Well, they kept you long enough.
I was ready to call a lawyer.
You didn't tell them
about this, did you?
No. Any word on Hilda?
No, nothing.
NORM: What do you think it is?
I don't know.
Kind of looks like a bomb.
Yeah.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Hello. I am Christian Rigaud.
Rachel Dobs.
Glad you could make it
on such short notice.
No problem.
It was a slow morning.
Are these guys real?
Of course.
Simba, Tuti, and Mary Jane.
Heh. Cute.
Thank you.
Please.
So, you need a trace.
Family or employee?
Well, we had an engineer,
Ralph Vigo, who was working on
a very special prototype component
from a very special computer
when he disappeared
with the component.
And you want me to find him?
He no longer has it.
We believe he gave it
to his paramour to try and sell.
In turn, we believe she turned it over to her
ex-husband, a man named Harry Berg.
Harrison Patrick Berg?
Precisely.
That's why we called you.
We learned through his credit rating
that you were already pursuing a case
involving Mr. Berg.
You see, time factor
is essential here.
Do you have a field agent
working for you?
Stocky, perspiration problem?
Well, this is where it gets to be
unfortunately complicated.
We believe these men
are Bulgarian agents.
Bulgarian agents?
They're probably after
some industrial secrets.
- Oh!
- The component would be quite a coup for them.
You see, normally the FBI
would be brought in here, but
since the original
breach in security was ours,
we'd rather resolve the matter
without their assistance.
This component, is it dangerous?
Not unless tampered with.
Screwdriver.
Screwdriver.
(HUMS)
RACHEL: Aaah!
Aah!
Oh, Arnold! You won't believe this case!
It's a dream! It's a dream come true!
- Where are the handcuffs?
- Handcuffs? What do you want with handcuffs?
They've got this secret
stolen thing. It's...
- Who has?
- This French guy, Rigaud.
Ooh-la-la, you should see him.
He's got these shrunken heads.
They have the FBI.
I told you not to
mess around with the feds!
A love interest, but best of all,
they've got Bulgarian spies!
- Are you high?
- No. This is it. This is the real thing.
Arnold, this case is my ticket.
I've been in this business
a long time.
I never heard of
no Bulgarian spies!
Oh, I know.
Put that gun down!
It doesn't come with the job.
But there's a first time for everything.
Arnold, wish me luck.
Where are you going?
I've got to go to work!
Hey, yo, Harry,
how's it going, man?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- Hey, pal, you know Gem Vigo?
- Yeah. That's her.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Whoa, whoa. Hang on, lady.
This is not an open party.
I'm with Harry Berg.
Uh-huh. Are you his girl?
No. He's my boy.
All right, all right, go on in.
HARRY: So, how do you
know Hilda?
GEM: Indirectly. Your ex
and my husband were lovers.
You know where she is?
Deep shit.
That's where you end up
when you make bad choices.
What choices?
Same you get to make.
Please, let's try English
again, OK, just for me.
The box.
Do you got it?
Maybe.
Give me a beer.
Pink lady.
So, go ahead. Fire.
How much?
How much?
Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
You make me an offer.
$10,000.
Don't insult me, all right?
Because you know and I know it's worth
a hell of a lot more than $10,000.
You don't know
what it is, do you?
You're bluffing.
It's an electromagnet.
You don't know what it's for.
Hilda never told you.
She might as well
have given you a bomb.
Doesn't matter.
You don't got to negotiate
with me, anyway.
You want to talk
to the main man.
I'll go arrange a rendezvous.
Mr. Berg.
What the hell is this?
A summons.
Bourbon straight, please.
Do you know where Hilda is?
No.
I thought she fired you.
Not that I heard.
I tried to call her,
but she wasn't home.
The police were.
They found a dead body.
Yeah, they're good at that.
It seems they don't have a clue.
In fact,
you're their only suspect.
Yeah, I'm real popular
down there.
Feel free.
I can help.
I don't work for free.
Aah. Is that what
you're after, a job?
If you care what happened to Hilda,
I think you need me.
Hey, do me a favor, all right?
You aren't exactly blowing me out of the water
with your abilities so far, Rachel.
- You're a little tense for me.
- I'm not tense. I'm perfectly normal!
Fine. You're not tense, I'm not tense,
nobody's tense. Everybody's normal.
Does a black box about
this big strike any sparks?
You know what it is?
I know its value in human life.
Come here.
You see this woman down in the corner?
You know her?
Where?
Right there.
The one in black.
I don't know her.
Well, she's a contender for the
popular black box herself, all right?
I'll tell you what we'll do.
If you can find out how she
fits into this whole deal,
you've got yourself a job.
Is this a test?
Yeah.
Yeah?
It's a test.
Okay.
Okay.
We've got a common interest,
you and I.
Something for a computer.
You got the wrong party.
Either you deal now
or you hang later.
Oye! Harry, baby.
Two words.
Dos palabras.
"It's done,"
or "It's finished."
That's all I want to hear,
Harry, two magic words.
Not now.
(GASPS)
You're fired.
Harry, I'm getting rid of that,
that hunk of junk of a half-lizard tomorrow.
You're making me crazy.
Tu me esta haciendo loco.
Great. Don't touch...
I'll knock you out if you touch my...
Why would I be wanting
to buy a computer?
I can't even work
the money machine at my bank.
You could get money
off a naked wino.
How sweet.
However, I've got nothing
to tell you about a computer,
but I know somebody
that will talk to you.
He doesn't have much
to talk about,
but he sure has
a sense of mood about him.
What do you want?
Rachel here,
she's a computer freak.
Is that right?
Titus here is a freak.
You two should
get together sometime.
I'm going to scream!
Titus would love that.
Let me tell you something
about Titus here.
He's what you call righteous.
In other words,
he believes in what he does.
Well let me tell you
something about me.
I'm what you call unstable.
I've got a condition
so unpredictable,
so dangerous,
that the police don't even
have a name for it.
And I've got a gun pointed
right at your private parts,
so you better back out
of this booth right now.
Get!
Go!
Come on, Ruben!
I've got big problems.
Join the club, baby. I've got
a great big ass and no head.
Ruben, you've had that problem
your whole life.
MAN: Whoa, gun!
Back off!
Stop it! Go!
I'm telling you I'm unstable!
Now go!
Aah!
(GUNSHOT)
(CROWD SCREAMING)
Rachel! Hey!
(SCREAMS)
RACHEL: Oh!
Let me go!
Ow!
HARRY: Come on, jump!
Aah!
RACHEL: Where are we going?
Harry! Oh!
(COUGHING)
Now, you know how
to leave a party, babe.
Come on, let's go.
(SIRENS)
Come on.
Oh, okay.
You got the job.
Come here.
We didn't discuss terms.
Well, you can work at my place
five nights a week.
Aah!
Whoa!
Still there?
Come on!
Jump over it!
Come on, baby!
Oh, excuse me,
excuse me! Oh, oh!
Come on!
(FERRY WHISTLE BLOWS)
Wait, wait!
I'll stall them so they
can't get on the boat.
Wait! No, Harry!
Harry, come back!
I'll make it!
Don't worry!
Hurry up!
Harry, no! Come on!
That ought to hold them.
Get him!
Come on, come on!
Come on!
Don't worry about me!
Stop! Aah!
Okay, worry!
(FERRY WHISTLE BLOWS)
(GRUNTING)
Come on, box.
Oh, thank God.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
Hello.
What the hell
are you doing here?
Hey, let me tell you something.
I'm not real crazy
about walking into my house
and seeing somebody here
who just walked in the...
(MUFFLED)
door.
Honey, I'm home.
I love your cologne.
Thanks. It's the East River.
Oh, yeah.
This is Tom T. Murray
speaking to you
from this tropical paradise
to tell you
about a special drawing
September 5th, aboard the
aircraft carrier Intrepid.
It's tomorrow night, where
you can win $56 million.
Be there tomorrow night and win!
(MOANS AND SQUEALS OF PASSION)
HARRY: And then when I was in the sixth grade,
I had another teacher...
(MORE CRIES OF PASSION
FROM GEM)
GEM: What's the matter?
HARRY: It's stuck.
GEM: That's ridiculous.
HARRY: I know it's ridiculous, but it's really stuck.
HARRY: Just wait a minute,
I can make this work.
Wait a minute.
Would you wait a minute?
The chemicals in the river
must have corroded my zipper.
I can't get it down.
GEM: I've heard of not getting it up,
but not getting it down?
I'm telling you, this has never
happened to me before.
Oh, that's what they all say!
Harry!
Harry, you're an animal.
You're an animal.
Harry!
Just a minute.
Don't start without me.
GEM: Oh, Harry.
Harry!
God damn river.
RACHEL: Harry!
Wh...? Oh!
Rache, hi!
I thought you had drowned.
I'm so happy to see you.
Yeah.
You're okay?
What are you doing?
I'm just so excited to see you.
I can't,
I can't believe you're...
What's the matter?
Oh, yeah, my...
My toaster broke.
Did you get the toaster fixed?
She knows a lot about rewiring.
Slime.
Rache!
Shit.
Hey! Do you know how hard it is to get
a repairman out at this time of night?
Come on.
Wait a minute! Rache!
What?
Look, I think you got the wrong impression
about what was going on up there.
I just spent a roundtrip to Staten Island
thinking you had drowned, and you're up here
playing the bump and grind
with that... that...
Electrician?
I thought you were sincere about
finding out what happened to Hilda.
You've got the sincerity
and the scruples of a mutt in heat!
All right, maybe you didn't
get the wrong impression,
but that's not
what you think it was.
What was that?
What, that?
That.
That's tactics.
I call it slime.
See... See, you know what? I knew you didn't have
the stomach for this line of work.
I knew it.
Be in my office
at 11:00.
Bring the box,
and don't be late.
11:00? I don't even get up
until noon.
Gem.
Come on down here.
Let's talk this over.
Gem.
How could I be such a jerk?
Damn it!
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Harry?
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Harry, it's me, Hilda. I'm in Acapulco.
What the hell are you doing
in Acapulco?
Harry, did you get the box,
the package from my apartment?
Yeah, I got the box. No, I don't have it now.
Let me tell you something...
Stay away from it.
It's very, very dangerous.
The people involved are extremely nasty.
No kidding. You already set me up once.
I hear you. I...
Now don't get sucked in
by the money.
If you're dead,
you can't spend the millions.
Hilda, did you say millions?
Oh yeah. I never told you
about that, did I?
It's a long story, Harry.
(STATIC)
Hilda, hold on a minute.
I can't hear you. Operator?
Harry. Harry?
Hello?
- You're fading out. Hilda!
- Harry?
Operator?
Operator, can you...?
(OPERATOR SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hilda?
(OPERATOR SPEAKING SPANISH)
(DIAL TONE)
Did she say millions?
Fired? In another hour
he's bringing it to me.
- You can't fire me now!
- I'm sorry. That's the way it is.
The truth is, and I'm not supposed to say,
but the FBI is taking over the case.
Uh huh.
The FBI?
Well maybe I should wander over and
have a little chat with the FBI.
That would not be wise,
Miss Dobs.
Well maybe you can tell me a
little bit more about the
Bulgarian agents
with the Brooklyn accents.
My secretary has your check.
I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised.
You can stuff the check. Do you know Gem Vigo?
Well she knows the Bulgarians.
That's pretty weird company
for industrial espionage.
- Your services are no longer required.
- Let go of me!
(GLASS BREAKS)
Oh, I'm sorry. I...
I didn't mean to...
Are you religious, Miss Dobs?
Excuse me?
Do you believe in signs?
What kind of signs?
Do you believe In bad luck?
Bad luck?
The type that causes pain.
No, I don't.
I do.
Au revoir, Miss Dobs.
Right.
You're bluffing.
Am I?
Pair of deuces.
Did my eye twitch?
Ever try dominoes?
Oh, good, you're here.
Jose has got a double feature.
I wouldn't want to miss it.
Adios.
Did you bring
the computer thing?
It's an electromagnet.
Wonderful.
Where is it?
Where is it?
- It was stolen.
- Ha! Tactics. Some kind of tactics.
You know,
I'll tell you something,
last night was a lot less fulfilling
than you, uh, probably imagine.
Probably for her.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you treat all your clients like this?
Sorry.
You're the only one I've got left.
Can I buy you a drink?
RACHEL: I can see the headlines. Ha!
Some hotshot detective.
I ate everything
that creep fed me.
Ah, don't take it so hard, kid.
You had a little run
of bad luck.
Trust me, I know from bad luck.
I forged a life out of it, Rach.
Rach, let me ask you something.
Do I lack something?
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
A box.
See, I'm trying to be...
I'm trying to be serious here.
All right.
Let's get serious.
Okay.
Let's just think
this thing over, all right?
What have we got?
What's our situation here?
Well, we got two people
who have problems.
Now what can we do about it?
Well, what we can do about it is,
A, we can sit here
and we can complain about it.
Two, we can go out there now
and do something about it.
Yeah.
Do what?
Go where?
The heart of darkness.
Where's that?
New Jersey.
Do you think
this was a good idea?
What do you think?
It could be dangerous.
It could be dangerous?
The man collects thumbs.
And heads.
Wait a minute,
what do you mean, heads?
Human heads.
Ah, human heads.
You still want to go?
Huh? Me? Are you kidding?
More than ever.
OK.
OK.
Let's go.
OK.
Steady. Up, up, up, up!
Uhh! Ohh!
Uhh! Uhh!
What's the matter
with you, fleas?
HARRY: I'm itchy
from floating in that water.
What?
You have the worst luck
of anybody I've ever met.
Your wife left you,
you don't really have a job,
you're in debt, and on top
of everything else,
you're diseased?
Hey, what can I tell you?
Some guys have it,
some guys don't.
Ohh!
Rachel?
(BEEP)
Whoa!
What did I tell you?
Okay, let's move before some zebras show up
and kick this guy's ass.
It's small, OK?
So look for something...
Boy, Beastie Boys should have
never taken that Amazon gig.
Come on, let's go.
Harry?
(BANGING HEAD)
What?
Ohh.
Do you see that?
What is it?
It's locked. We need a long,
thin piece of wire or something. You know?
Yeah, perfect.
I knew it.
Wow!
I don't know.
What's that?
Wow!
I have a feeling garage doors
all over America just opened.
Hey, Rach, look at these.
Lotto balls.
They are lotto balls.
This thing's full of them.
What the hell is this guy
doing with lotto balls?
Wait a minute.
Opposite poles attract, right?
Similar poles repel.
Right.
OK, that means
these things are magnetized.
These are magnetized.
He covers them in metallic paint
and magnetizes the balls.
Yes.
Aah...
You, too, can scam lotto.
Yeah!
Let's get those balls.
Yeah.
(BUZZER)
Harry.
Let's go!
Okay, here.
Come on!
RACHEL: Oh, no!
Come on, let's go!
I'm right behind you, Harry.
(FOOTSTEPS PASSING BY)
Come on, let's get out of here.
Aah! Aah!
Harry! Harry!
Handcuffs! Handcuffs!
Cuff him!
You know, I wish I had
a piece of metal...
Yeah. Right.
Ow!
You all right?
You okay?
Yes.
Aah!
You've got a mean streak.
Come on, Rach.
You all right?
Come on!
Come on, let's go!
Let's go, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go! Whoa!
Who is that?
Get out of the way!
Is that a gun?
That's a gun.
It's all right, we'll move.
Harry.
Got him.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, baby.
Yeah!
See you later, Harry.
All right.
Wee-hoo!
Yeah!
So you want to play games, huh?
Harry.
Okay, I'll play
some games, my boy.
(LAUGHS)
How's that?
Yes.
You all right?
This is getting fun.
Come on!
Yeah!
A tug of war, huh?
Two can play at that game.
RACHEL: Uhh! Harry!
Get them! Get them!
Put on your scuba gear, boys.
Get them!
Oh, my God!
Aah!
RACHEL: Let's go!
HARRY: You want to talk about timing?
I just joined Triple-A, I swear to God.
Harry, watch out for the gate!
Aah!
What gate?
(GUARD FIRING GUN)
Whoa! Yeah!
The claim we hold is as good as gold,
Bonanza!
Yee-haw!
Hand by hand we built this land,
The Ponderosa Ranch
(HUMMING BONANZA THEME)
The claim we hold is as good as gold,
Bonanza
Yee-haw!
Whoo!
Hey, Rach, remember what you did to that guy
back there in the bathroom?
You have to promise me you'll never,
ever do that to me.
Oh, mama, talk to me, baby!
Talk to me!
Oh, Lord!
Oh, baby!
I'm so rich I can't stand it!
Whoo!
Oh, Lord of mercy!
Lord of mercy!
Talk to me!
Rach!
Harry!
Harry, what's going on?
Oh, Rach, big news!
Big news!
- What?
- Jump into these arms! Come here!
Oh, see this beach we're dancing around on?
We're going to buy it.
What has gotten into you, Harry?
Love. Love and money,
and three winning
lottery combinations.
Stay right here.
Yeah!
We're going to fly to
Rio de Janeiro
Look at this.
Look right there.
See that?
That's the game that Hilda won.
I recognize the numbers.
- So?
- All right, now look at the next series.
25, 32, 8, 13, 39, 3.
The date, look at the date.
It hasn't happened yet.
It's the next drawing!
I can't believe this! This is unbelievable!
You know the big benefit
up on the ship?
It's worth $56 million.
Here's what they do.
They take the box,
they attach it to the lottery machine somehow,
I'm not exactly sure yet,
and they take
the magnetic balls we found,
they put them
in the appropriate tubes.
They already know what the
numbers and day's going to be,
they have it all figured out.
It's actually beautiful when you think about it.
Do you think the police
will believe us?
(LAUGHS)
What police?
When we give them
the black box and the balls?
Oh, you're so cute.
We're not going to give anything to anybody.
Least of all the police.
Don't be silly. What else
can we do with that?
- We're going to buy a ticket.
- You can't do that. That's illegal.
Uh-oh! Okay, let's take a walk.
Come on.
- Harry.
- No, come on, I want to talk to you about something.
You know, I know that you grow up and
you think things are a certain way,
and then things change
when you get older.
It's just the way it is.
It comes down to this, Rach.
Every man's got his price,
and, you know, chalk mine
up to, ooh, $56 million.
Okay, $28 million.
They're going to have a ticket, too,
I understand that,
but still,
28's a lot of scratch.
But do you realize
what you're saying?
Oh, God, please don't
let her do this to me.
Please, I'm asking you.
Not now.
Come on, Rachel,
this is a chance I've been
waiting for my whole life.
This is a chance
to pull my losing streak
right out of the water.
Come on, baby, don't do this to me!
But it's illegal.
They don't throw
rich people in jail.
The hell they don't! And if
the police don't get you,
you're going to have
to deal with that sweaty guy.
Do you want to be looking over
your shoulder for the rest of your life?
I think you ought to
lighten up a little bit.
As long as we've got
the box, we're totally safe.
Oh? What was that
about lacking something?
I didn't say I was proud.
Do you know what you lack?
You lack character.
I don't think you
understand what's happening.
Oh. You're just going
to forget everything,
just like that.
What about Rigaud?
Hey, in a deal like this,
that's the chance you take.
What about me?
Harry!
40-60.
Ohh! Aah!
All right, 50-50.
I was kidding.
It's a lottery joke, honey.
Oh, Rachel, come on!
You might like being rich.
You want to give it a try?
I don't take blood money, Harry.
This isn't blood money!
That's not blood money! It's fate!
You can throw your life away
if you want to! Go right ahead!
Oh, come...
Rach, don't leave me!
Don't make me have to decide!
I hate this!
I'm only human!
You're slime!
But I'm human slime.
Come on, let's go.
There's people behind you.
Yeah, yeah. 25,
32,
8,
13,
39,
That's it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
One ticket?
Everybody in this town is
buying these by the dozen.
You talk with God or something?
I may have to after this.
Yeah, you and my mother.
There.
Police department.
Uh, is this the 27th precinct?
Yes, ma'am.
What can I do for you?
I'd like to report a, um...
Yes?
Uh, never mind.
Shit.
Arnold.
Arnold?
Arnold?
Hello?
(GASPS)
Uhh!
Listen, can we talk?
Do you talk?
Uhh!
Ohh.
Ohh! Uhh!
Aah! Listen, I don't have
the box! I don't have the box,
and I don't know where it is.
I don't have the box,
but I know where we can get it.
Oh, don't hurt me.
Uhh! Ohh!
Aah!
Ohh!
Eww!
I could have loved you.
Ohh!
Judy, let's get married.
Let's get married
right away, tonight.
I'll be able to send for you in three months.
I'll have the money then.
Three months?
Why the rush to get married now?
Exactly.
Well, do you think I'm going to let a
funny little redhead run around loose here?
What if some other fellow
came along and...
Oh, Judy, I've got to have you.
Until death do us part?
Oh, it's bullshit.
Until death do us part.
Norman!
Norman, hold on, buddy!
(MOANS)
You all right?
I got you.
(MUMBLES)
Ahh.
You okay?
What happened?
They got Rachel. Said they'd kill her
if you don't give them the box.
Meet tonight in Jersey.
Yeah, it looks fine.
Go make our fortune.
And drive carefully.
Nice suit.
Let her go.
Oh, Harry.
Mr. Berg?
(GUNSHOT)
Tragedy must surely be
the essence of existence.
But you made a deal.
I know. I lied.
You just shot at your partner.
So sorry.
I'll make sure
it won't happen again.
Make your point.
Do you know what a degausser is?
No idea.
It's a little device used
to demagnetize metal objects.
I demagnetized one of the balls,
and magnetized another one.
The final winning number
is no longer 3.
In other words, the ticket you're holding
right now doesn't mean shit.
I feel sick.
$56 million, and two lives.
You must be a betting man.
Gave it up.
It's a splendid bluff,
Mr. Berg.
Yeah, except I'm not bluffing.
Shoot him.
You can't kill him!
Yeah, shoot me.
Tell the moron to shoot me.
Go ahead, shoot me right here,
and then watch $56 million
run out of my brain.
Tell me more.
How can I win
if the number's changed?
The ticket booths are closed.
I already bought
the winning ticket.
I'm holding the winning ticket.
And what if you're lying?
If I'm lying, you win with
the ticket you already own.
You are a perplexing
individual, Mr. Berg.
Thank you.
But I wonder
if you're really lucky.
Go with Mr. Berg where he can quickly
get his ticket and be closely watched.
We'll take Ms. Dobs
with us to the drawing.
I expect you both to behave
for the sake of the other.
If you're telling the truth,
then we shall have a deal.
If you're lying,
if the last number is 3,
then it shall be painful.
I deplore dishonesty.
Rach. It's all right, hon.
In the car, schmuck.
Put the gun away.
You ain't going to use it.
I like it.
It comforts me.
Don't get too comfortable,
you freak. You know why?
Hey, what do you
think you're doing?
Going for a ride.
- You slow it down, asshole.
- What are you going to do, shoot me?
- Damn straight, you crazy son of a bitch!
- You can't shoot me!
Stop the car!
I'm the $56 million man!
What's your boss going to say?
Go ahead and shoot me!
Shoot me! Shoot me!
I will, you crazy freak!
I'll blow your fucking brains out!
Fuck you! Pull the frigging trigger!
Pull it! Pull it!
Aah!
Aah!
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
One thing to remember.
Human morality disintegrates
at the $50 million mark.
Whew!
Okay...
Oh, my God!
I'm on the wrong side!
Hold on, Rach, I'm coming!
Gotta go!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BAND PLAYING
WE'RE IN THE MONEY )
Ms. Dobs, I do hope Mr. Berg
was telling the truth.
Don't worry.
I trust Harry with my life.
You are.
(SHIP HORN BLOWS)
Aah!
And now, here is
Honest Tom T. Murray.
(CROWD CHEERS)
Lotto! Lotto!
Lotto! Lotto!
ALL: Lotto! Lotto!
Lotto! Lotto!
Lotto! Lotto!
Lotto! Lotto!
Lotto! Lotto!
Lotto! Lotto!
Lotto! Lotto!
Lotto! Lotto!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
You got to help me!
Grandmothers, mothers, fathers, sons
and all of the living creatures
who've anted up, welcome!
We're here tonight
to play lotto!
(DRUMS BEAT)
And it's your chance
to win, win, win!
(DRUMS BEAT)
To become, that's right,
a millionaire.
(DRUMS BEAT)
Do you want it?
CROWD: Yeah!
I, I can't hear you.
CROWD: Yeah!
But I was bluffing.
I didn't change
any of the numbers.
The last number
is still going to be what?
That's right, 3.
That's why you have to turn this boat around,
Captain Jack,
because if I don't get back there
and stop them, I'm telling you,
they're going to kill
this girl, Rachel.
Remember I told you about Rachel?
Real nice girl? Pretty girl?
O'er the ramparts we watched
were so gallantly streaming...
It's bigger than you,
it's bigger than me,
it's bigger than the whole city.
It's an affront
to our morals, to our values.
Hey, they're puking
all over our sense
of fair play here, Jack.
If you ask me, buster, you may as well
just lower the flag down and puke on it.
That is why you've got to
turn this tug around, Jack.
Not just for me,
not just for you,
not even for Rachel,
the woman I love.
You know who for, Jack?
For America.
You've got to turn
this tug around
for the American way.
Are you saying I wasted 4 bucks?
Yes!
Well, let's turn
this sucker around!
It's now time
to play the largest jackpot
in history!
(CHEERING)
It's time to play lotto!
I want the money.
Give me the money.
Please, Tommy.
Darme dinero.
Come on. Come on.
That's it.
Poor to rich,
the first number is...
25!
(CHEERS)
TOM: Pauper to prince,
the second number is...
32!
(CHEERS)
Pizza maker to pizza king,
the third number is...
Can I help you?
Uh, no.
I think I got it.
Let me see you out that door.
Aah!
Open this door!
TOM: Pauper to lord,
the fourth number is...
WOMAN: Number 4!
Go, four, go!
(SCATTERED JEERING)
Loser to winner,
the fifth number is...
What is this?
I don't know.
CROWD: Fake! Fake! Fake!
Fake!
Fake!
Indigent to kingpin,
the sixth number is...
Fake! Fake! Fake!
Gem, get the box!
Wait! I'm Honest Tom!
RACHEL: Help me! Help me!
Help! Help! Help!
RACHEL: Harry!
Aah!
(SCREAMS)
HARRY: Hey, Rigaud!
Who taught you to shoot,
Ray Charles?
Come on up. You missed me
by a mile. I'll show you.
(HUMMING BONANZA THEME)
Aah.
Stop!
Stop her!
Ooh! Oh!
Freeze. Put your hands
behind your head.
Hiya.
This is really a big gun, huh?
(LAUGHS)
Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh!
Why don't you drop
that little gun of yours?
Otherwise, they're going
to be looking for body parts
all over the Midwest.
Another bluff, Mr. Berg.
Really, I'm afraid
your imagination
has finally outpaced
the possibility of reality.
Have you ever been to Kansas?
You think I'm bluffing?
Go ahead. Look right into my eyes.
You tell me what you see, pal.
I see a dead clown.
(COCKS GUN)
OK.
(GUN COCKS)
Au revoir.
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Did my eye twitch?
Aah!
(LAUGHS)
(IMITATING BEN CARTWRIGHT)
Well, Adam, Little Joe, Hoss,
let's ride, boys.
Hyah!
(SHOUTING)
MAN: There he is!
There's Harry!
(SHOUTING)
Yeah!
MAN: Come on, Harry!
WOMAN: Harry, what was your first clue
that something wasn't right?
Got it?
I don't know,
I guess I was spending a lot more time
in the East River than I'm used to.
(LAUGHTER)
Mr. Berg, tell us what it feels like
to give up half of $56 million, huh?
A lot like sticking your head
in a blender, ma'am.
Get the back?
(SHOUTING)
MAN: Step aside.
What made you do it? You know a lot of people
wouldn't give up that kind of money.
Yeah, well, seems to me, if you really
want something badly enough,
you usually have to give something up.
If I've learned anything, I learned that.
I'll tell you who you should be talking to,
is this girl, excuse me, this woman
named Rachel Dobs.
She's the one that really cracked this thing,
and she wants to be a detective,
and I'm sure it's going to happen now.
Thanks a lot!
That's enough questions
for tonight.
Hey, uh, Sergeant,
let me ask you a question.
Has Rachel Dobs left yet?
Yep. She left
about an hour ago.
Did she leave any kind of
message for me or anything?
She didn't say anything
or, uh, nothing?
No. Sorry, Harry. Nothing.
We don't keep the guns
loaded and ready, you know?
WOMAN: Yeah, well I heard...
(PERSON WHISTLING
BONANZA THEME)
(WHISTLING RESUMES)