1
Jesus Christ.
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear,
how much I love you
Please don't take
my sunshine away
The other night, dear,
as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
And when I woke,
dear, I was mistaken
And I hung my head and I cried
You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine
You make me happy
when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear,
how much I love you
Please don't take
my sunshine away
Oh, my God. Why is it so cold?
Get in here.
Oh, warmth.
Clementina. Oh, go on. Answer it.
No. Don't tell me it's
not working out already.
- Beep.
- But she's lovely, Davin.
You've only been
seeing her two months.
Two months and a week on top
of that, so that's nine weeks.
What was it this time?
- Her left eye...
- Oh, God.
This is serious... becomes
slightly lazy when she laughs.
- And that's it?
- That is a valid reason.
What about the last girl, Clare?
- Gummy Anna? Purple, purple gums.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
- Hey, how are you doing?
- Mm-hm.
- It's me, Anna.
And, er, remember the Galway
girl, um, how were her gums?
Her gums are actually fine,
but what was wrong with her
was her endless humming.
But not songs. No songs.
Just endless, mindless,
tuneless humming.
Reading, driving, walking.
These things are signs.
No, they're not. They're
normal, human characteristics.
You are going to end up on
your own, alone forever.
Don't you want to
find someone to love?
Jesus, Fionan, who are you,
my fucking mother?
When I find someone,
I'll let you know.
Okay.
- How's the wedding plans going?
- Do you really want to know?
- Yeah.
- I'd like to talk about it.
Still a bit stressed?
Each detail leads
to the next detail
and each decision is as important
as the last. It's exhausting.
- You're a strange, strange man.
- I know.
Oh. I shouldn't be showing you this,
but if I can't show my best man,
- who can I show?
- What is that?
- She looks beautiful.
- I am marrying this woman.
Mm.
Congratulations, buddy.
I haven't shown her yet,
so it's a surprise.
- Please don't give the game away.
- No, absolutely. I tell you what.
I'm pressed for time, 'cause
we've got to go through
- the name cards and the menu fonts.
- Here it is.
- Did... Did you make this?
- I'm a theatre set designer.
Okay, that is an enormous relief.
- So what do you think, Linda?
- What I think?
- Wow, Fionan.
- Actually, it's Fion-awwwn.
Oh, I'm sorry. Fion-awn.
- One more time, Linda. Fion-awwwn.
- Fion-awn.
Fion-awwwn.
- Fion-awn. Fion-awn.
- Fion-awwwn.
- Awwwn.
- Awn.
- Awn. Fion-awn.
- Fion-awwwn.
- Fion-awwwn.
- Thank you.
- So sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hi.
- Work is mental. Hi!
- Don't worry.
Hey! Aw!
- Linda, what is it?
- No, no, no. Fion-awwwn.
- Surprise.
- No.
Yes. Look.
This is us.
This is where we enter. The
speeches take place over there.
I don't know what to say.
It's so cute.
- Oh.
- It's the florist.
Oh, do you want me to...?
No, I'll... Hello?
Look at this, Linda.
It's so intricate.
Isn't it?
Also a little mad. I know.
He is certainly not your average
groom-to-be, not your usual guy.
- In what way?
- Most guys don't give a shit
about details. Usually
they just nod and smile
and scrub up for the day. Very
few of them make a doll's house.
- Oh, it's a diorama.
- Yeah, that's the word.
- And he is so metro.
- Metro?
Metrose... politan. Metropolitan.
Usually, the only plans
men care about are
the ones they make for
their stag weekend.
- No, Fionan's not going on a stag.
- That makes sense.
That was the florist, Linda,
saying the bouquets
- do not have to be ranunculus.
- Oh.
Did you have a conversation
about ranunculus?
I um...
Ranunculus.
- I'm worried about Linda.
- Oh?
Are you listening to me?
I have problems with Linda.
- We should fire her.
- What?
We are a month from the wedding.
A wedding that's going to look
like it took place in McDonald's.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Our wedding day is
about me and you,
not about... place-card fonts,
or... thematic coherence.
The theme is us.
We've got to focus on why
we're marrying each other.
Focus on the why.
I'm so sorry.
I'm going nuts trying to make sure
it's the best day in your life
because... I already know it's
going to be the best day in mine.
You don't have to try
and make it perfect.
It'll already be the
happiest day of my life.
But for me, the section of the book
concerning Levin and agrarian reform
engages the heart just as much,
because we stand rooted to the earth
for far longer than we ever are...
in love.
So we'll leave that there.
- Thanks, folks.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- So I was just passing through.
Passing through? Okay.
Okay. I need you to
organise a stag for Fionan.
Fionan is not a stag guy.
That is why I need you to
organise a stag for Fionan.
- Why do you want that?
- He's too caught up in all of the...
The wedding.
- Okay, yes. Yes.
- Yes.
Have you any ideas what
we could do or...?
You go walking and hiking and
like scaling mountains and stuff.
Yeah, I've still got the
compass you gave me.
Oh, you still have that?
- It's a great compass.
- Yeah.
Okay, well, I will float that.
- Thank you, Davin.
- You know, it is Fionan, so don't
- get your hopes up.
- I am marrying him, Davin.
Yeah.
But get him up a mountain.
Seriously, get him up a mountain.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay.
Thank you. Hey, I'll
see you on Sunday.
- You will.
- Okay.
Hello! How are you?
Oh, lovely. Thank you very much.
- Hi, everyone. How are you doing?
- Hey, Davin.
- All right?
- Yeah, yeah, good.
Cheers, guys. Cheers.
That is the thing about walking
that people don't get.
- It's tough. It's pretty wild.
- But you're still just walking.
You are still walking, Fionan, but
you're also climbing for bits of it.
- Do you kill your food?
- No, no, I bring energy bars.
- And bananas.
- In Iceland, Uli and her family
bring hunting tools when they hike.
They can source snacks and things.
- Snacks?
- Like reindeers and salmons?
- Yes, that is what we kill.
- Good.
What about you, Fionan,
what do you do for exercise?
- I walk to work and back daily.
- Oh, punishing.
He also gets lots of exercise
arguing with our wedding planner.
Lively collaboration.
Actually, speaking of walking...
Men, Simon, the Kevinses, how do you
feel about a little walking holiday
to drag Fionan here away
from the wedding planner
and out into the fresh air?
Like a stag?
Rugged gentlemen, alone up
a mountain, sounds great.
- I'd find a way to enjoy that.
- Great, brilliant. Simon?
- Uli knows I'm good in the wild.
- You're not good in the wild.
- Fionan?
- Yeah, no. No way. No stags so...
Fionan, have you ever
even been on a stag?
- No.
- So not even a weekend walk?
I don't enjoy being in exclusively
male company for long periods.
There's something forced about
it and false, all that banter...
I mean, under what other
circumstances would we five
ever agree to be in a
tent in the shitting rain
in mid-November all for the
sake of some needless ritual?
So er, so what about
hens in general?
Or my hen, is that just some
stupid needless ritual?
Oh, no, babe, but I would
happily go on your hen night.
You want to go on my hen?
Okay, Fionan, one of my
favourite things to do
is have sex with a man and even
for me that's a bit too gay.
No, come on, guys. Leave him alone.
Fionan has got his principles.
Maybe a walking holiday's just a
bit too rough and tumble for him.
Okay, Davin.
Yeah, okay, fine.
Yeah, stag it is.
Yay, stag.
The stag!
Well done, bro.
Is this something that we need?
The spoon, so you just eat.
Argh!
- No?
- No.
Ooh.
- Is this our tent?
- That is a tent, eh? Look at this.
- Should we... Should we... buy it?
- Yes.
- Let's go for it.
- Let's do it.
Okay. Let's buy it. Let's
pay up and get out of here.
- Careful, are you okay?
- Yeah.
- You're fine?
- I'm fine.
Okay. It's stuck.
- No. Just give it a tug.
- Unstick it. It's a zip.
- It's caught.
- Give me a go.
- Don't force it.
- Gently.
Just prise it.
- Oh!
- We are stuck in a tent.
- Okay, try that one.
- Got a can opener?
One, two, three.
Wait, wait, wait, careful.
- Hello?
- We're in the forest display!
- Is there another exit?
- Stop pushing.
Help!
Hello?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Don't panic! Don't panic! Okay?!
- Get me out of here.
- Get off of me!
- Hello?
- Whoa! Ah!
- What are you doing?
- We're trying to buy a tent.
Simon, you're crushing me to death!
Simon!
Yes, it's lovely. We'll take it.
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
Woof.
Grrr!
Oh, don't tie me up with
your rope, Mr Stag Man!
I love it! I want it all off!
If I'd known you were so
into this, I'd have tracked
and shot a squirrel or something.
Hey, now you're going on a stag.
- Yeah, baby.
- You have to invite The Machine.
- What?
- Well, he's my brother.
- He's gonna be your brother, too.
- My brother-in-law!
That's what stags are for, getting
to know each other better.
I already know him.
- Properly.
- Properly I know him.
You guys haven't bonded. I know
that he can be a bit full-on,
but The Machine is a good man.
You have to invite him.
- No.
- Yes.
- No, no.
- Yes.
- This is the brother who...
- Yes.
- With the... and the...
- Yup. Mm-hm.
No. No. No.
- We are doomed.
- We'll call off the stag.
We can't. She'll know why.
There is no exit strategy here.
- The Machine.
- The Machine!
You have no idea what it's like to
spend five minutes with this man
over drinks on Christmas Eve, let
alone a whole weekend up a mountain!
He is insane and as far as I'm
concerned, it is all your fault.
- Why is it my fault?
- For suggesting the idea.
In the first place,
like an imbecile.
- I didn't... I...
- You should never dabble
in social conventions that
were not designed for you.
Jesus, Fionan, I'm at work. I'm
actually about to give a lecture.
- You fix it.
- Okay, yeah, I'll fix it.
I'll call him. I'll say it's
kind of a literary walk.
- No, religious.
- Yeah, religious.
A religious pilgrimage.
A religious abstinent
pilgrimage to various shrines.
A silent, religious abstinent
pilgrimage to various shrines.
- Ancient shrines.
- Say the weather forecast is bad.
- Terrible weather.
- Tell him the Kevins are gay.
- Make them trannies.
- Vestite or sexual?
- Vestite. Do it now. Make the call.
- Now?
- I can't work until it's done.
- Yeah, okay, I can't either.
- Give me your phone.
- What do you mean? Why?
No, but why can't we
do it on your phone?
Because you're the best man.
Shit.
Okay.
It's ringing.
Voicemail.
Leave a message for The
Machine on the machine!
Hi. This is Davin. I'm a friend of
Fionan's who's marrying your sister.
This weekend we are going...
We are embarking on a
silent walking retreat
with some transsexual
friends of ours in the rain
and we wanted to let you know that.
Er... you can call me back if you
want, but it will be just as I say,
wet and silent and
boring and weird.
Okay, bye-bye-
Keep me posted. Remember,
this is all your fault.
Okay.
Dostoevsky.
Oh!
Hi, girls!
Hey.
We need to go, okay?
24 missed calls.
- My God.
- Yeah. Let's go.
Let's go, okay?
Davin, come here.
- Where is The Machine?
- Oh, yeah.
We've been playing phone tag,
but he's got the details.
- He's making his own way down.
- He's making his own way down?
He's making his own way down.
Okay. He's making his own way down.
- Have fun!
- Okay, you too!
- Bye.
- Bye, have fun. Bye.
Bye!
Let's go!
Okay, okay.
This is actually going to be fun.
Bye!
Okay, just one call.
I'm so sorry. One second.
The Machine, hi.
Listen, I'm just checking that
you do know about this stag.
Oh, yeah. Did he call you back?
No?
Well, I can give you the address.
Yeah, I'll text it to you right now.
Guys, I just want to say,
I know I was really reluctant
about the idea of a stag.
but I think this is
going to be brilliant
and I'd just like to thank my
best man and best friend Davin
for putting it all together, okay?
Well, now that we're all
here, I can tell you that
we dodged a serious bullet today.
- Yes, we did.
- You know Ruth's brother?
- The Machine knows about this?
- Yeah.
- The Machine?
- You don't want to know.
- Yes, I do.
- Davin here took one for the team.
And after an elaborate
subterfuge and 28 missed calls
and 24 messages...
- Oh, play one. Play a voice mail.
- Dare I?
I've never actually
heard this guy's voice,
but the stories would make
your shit turn white.
This is genius.
Okay, Gavin, or whatever your
little name is, it's The Machine.
I'm sitting here with an enormous,
raging stag boner on me right now.
You hear me knocking, let me in.
First thought right out of the gate.
We are going To Africa!
Activities, harness wedgies,
six men, three bed sheets,
a pound of chicken fat
and we don't shave his
balls, we shave his asshole!
Put a little lipstick
on the ring piece.
Might be a job for those
trannies you mentioned.
Think global here,
Facebook, Twitter,
anything that will allow it
for five minutes and boom,
the whole world's looking at
Fionan's dolled-up kicker.
Are you with me? It is insane that
you have not called me back yet.
I've done 22 tours of duty, my man.
I'm gonna get nuclear on you.
Davin, Davin, Davin.
Just give it to me, Davin.
What the fuck did you just...
Yeah.
- Is that...
- The Machine!
- Konnichiwa, fuck sticks.
- Hello.
I'll deal with you in a minute.
Which dick slice is your commander?
- What?
- Who's the point man?
- Is that a sports thing?
- Your best man, groom job.
This is him.
- Kevin?
- Davin.
- Gavin?
- No, Davin.
- No, Gavin.
- No, Davin with a D.
- No, Gavin with a G.
- Oh, okay.
So Muggins here has to drop
everything in his life
and drive 220 miles on the fly,
because this little cum sock can't
answer a fucking telephone!
- Because... No, because...
- Why aren't you standing?
Be...
- Listen, The Machine...
- And the kicker, my sister.
That is to say the
fucking bride-to-be
has to call me her own self to fill
me in on this little circle jerk!
- Wait a second, because...
- Do you have any idea
how many rules of stag protocol you
have ass-mangled in that one move?
That is a heinous dereliction
of best-man duty!
Yo-se, the brother-in-law
ese, comprendez?
- Okay, okay.
- I ought to pluck every pubic hair
on your girly ass from your
balls to your brow right here
in this place with my teeth!
Oh, er, I actually
tried to call you.
- Where's your phone, soldier?
- What?
Give me your goddamn
phone, shit bird.
Sorry, just a sec.
There you go.
- When did this take place?
- Just now.
- Why did this take place?
- The phone's a really bad phone
and I've been having a bit
of difficulty with it
and I really got just so frustrated
at it, I erm... I erm...
I fucked it in a jug of water!
His phone's been on the blink.
I had to call Fionan, because
I couldn't get through to Davin.
He's been quite un-contactable.
Look at your fucking face, Gay-vin.
You must be spitting feathers.
Let me hose that down,
because... At ease, folks! I am here
now and that is the main thing.
Reporting for duty.
- Come here, Fionan!
- Argh! Argh!
- That really hurts, The Machine!
- Good to see you.
- Yeah, thanks for coming down.
- No problem!
- God!
- Sound off. Who have we got here?
- Who's this little choir boy?
- Er, Simon.
Hi Th-imon!
Why do I know you?
The Machine, this is
my brother Kevin.
Oh, that makes us huggers!
Get in here, bro!
Ha-ha! Good to see you. Get
down there. What the fuck is that?
Er, yes, The Machine.
This is Kevin's...
Dad?
- This is also Kevin.
- You're both called Kevin?
- That's right.
- That's ridiculous.
- What do you call each other?
- Kevin.
Insane. Okay, big
Kevin, little Kevin.
- Look, I'm actually not that big.
- Noted. Enormous Kevin. Tiny Kevin.
Okay, housekeeping done.
Budge up, budge up, budge up.
Chief bridesmaid, hit
me with the itinerary.
Have it downloaded
before I make party.
I mean, I'm good,
but even I couldn't decipher
the code in your voice message.
Religious walking retreat I presume
is the pub crawl from hell.
Am I right? That I got,
but the tranny twist,
I was all like, what the fuck
are we talking here? Bangkok?
Saigon? And then I cracked it.
Fellas, are we going to Cardiff?
Look at you parched
little lizards. Bar Wench!
A tray of shot glasses
and a bottle yesterday!
This little single-cell organism
is getting fucking married!
To my sister.
- What the fuck are we going to do?
- There's nothing we can do.
- What the fuck can we do?
- I'm letting you know now
I'm leaving first thing in the morning.
I'll make my excuses.
- Fuck you!
- I didn't sign up for this.
Go fuck. Had I known
that he was even a possibility?
- Come on, Simon!
- Fuck you! This is your shit.
Fionan is getting married. Like it
or not, you were on his stag.
- Show some loyalty for fuck's sake.
- Also you have to drive us home.
Thanks, Bernard. Good man.
- He's coming.
- Well, I'm going to bed.
- Erm, me, too.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Park it, sisters, mandatory shots.
- Oh.
We were just on our way to
bed before you arrived.
We've a long day of
walking tomorrow.
Walking whence? From pub to pub?
No, walking. Walking
like proper hiking.
- No, incorrect.
- Actually we are, The Machine.
Walking and camping and, er,
praying, mountain praying.
Just a lot of... Got a lot
of stuff. And camping.
- Okay.
- I just wanted to, you know,
get out in the wild.
What the...
You rampant homosexualists.
Wow.
Okay, The Machine, Kevin and
Kevin here are literally gay.
So they have an excuse, but
suddenly you three little geeks
- want to start chewing cock?
- Okay.
I'm sorry about the confusion.
Clearly this isn't your thing.
So, erm, I can offer to
pay for your petrol.
Ten-hut, Private Gay-vin!
You just narrowly survived
your own court-martial
and now you say that
I go AWOL on duty.
You have got the balls
of a baboon, boy.
Yes, it is alarmingly shit,
but if that's what fun
bags wants to do,
to get out in the wild,
then, fellas, I'm in.
Hey.
I'm all in.
- Okay, good.
- Yeah.
- Brilliant.
- So you little gerbils,
snuggle down in the sawdust and
I'll see you at the crack.
This is a doozy of a stag town.
Disappear from mine eyes.
- Morning!
- Shhh!
Let's go.
Jesus.
Earthlings!
- Balls.
- Qu pasa?
The Machine, there you are.
And there you all are.
Five little Hobbits heading
out from the shire.
This way.
The Machine, you
don't have any gear!
That is not a
recognised bridle path!
Watch for splinters. Oh.
No signal. Wow. We're out there.
Me neither. Rural.
Me neither, that's my only compass.
Well, at least you
have a phone, Fionan.
At least it isn't dead from some
idiot dropping it in a pint.
And you'd rather I'd have let
what was unfolding unfold.
Let's put our phones in this Ziploc
so that we are free of the urge
- to keep checking all the time.
- Is that wise?
Yeah, let's go offline
for, like, two whole days.
Two whole days?
I'm not sure that's wise.
- Come on. Come on, Simon.
- Come on, Simon.
Anyway, I've got this here
compass to keep us on track.
Plop.
Oh, Jesus. No, no, no.
Oh, Jesus. No, no, no!
That was incredibly rude and
annoying and also we need that.
- We don't need it. Boom.
- We need a compass to find the way.
We need to get lost. You put
that compass in the bag
and Susan here will be like, "Let's
take the compass!" Unacceptable.
The compass dies... phew-uck!
We're reborn.
- But it's dangerous!
- Of courth ith dangerouth, Thimon!
We are going off-piste.
That compass was handmade,
you fucking oaf!
Well, if that's your beef,
I'll buy you a new one.
No, you imbecile! It had sentimental
value! It was given to me by...
By someone!
Oh, your old geography
teacher, Mr Kennedy.
Your husband... I'm
sorry, your ex-husband.
- Jesus, can you please...
- You do not need that compass.
You need to roam free.
All in.
I don't even have a lisp.
One life, one need
In the night
One love, we get to share it
Leaves you, baby,
if you do not care for it...
- Jesus, this song
- I know.
- Not digging the tunes?
- Nope.
- Why not?
- I can't abide U2.
- Lies.
- Excuse me.
- You actually do like U2.
- Actually I don't.
You don't like their music,
or you don't like Bono?
That would be a firm
negative in both cases.
All right, fingers on buzzers.
Yes or no, "With Or Without you"?
- Without you.
- "New Year's Day"?
- No.
- "Mysterious Ways"?
- Negative.
- "Bad"?
- Very bad.
- "Pride"?
- Shame.
- "Vertigo"?
- Vertig-no.
- "Streets"?
The Machine, if it's by U2,
I'm not going to like it.
- Have you seen them live?
- Once.
- You didn't cry?
- I left.
- No!
- He left.
- You are Irish, right?
- What's that got to do with it?
Ah-ah-ah-ah, Private
Gav, fight your own war.
You know, Cyborg, one day,
at some point in your life,
you are going to find yourself
listening to a U2 song
with tears pouring down your cheeks
and on that day, for it
will come, my friend...
I want you to remember this face.
- What the fuck is wrong with him?
- Chill out.
This face.
I'm going to be there, Cyborg.
- Well, I'm going back.
- I'm going back.
- No, no, you're not.
- Simon, Davin, come on.
Go, go.
Go.
I was reading this thing
in "The Guardian"
about the difference between
mushrooms and toadstools.
Apparently, there's only one
toadstool that isn't poisonous
and it either is red,
or it isn't red.
I can't remember.
Fionan, have you told them
your story about Bikram yoga?
I had a panic attack and
they asked me to leave.
Why did you even do bikram
if you're not obese?
I'm not obese because I did bikram.
You did it one time and
you had a panic attack.
Once was enough.
"There's been a lot of talk
about this next song."
- That's a grave.
- "This song is not a rebel song."
This song is "Sunday,
Bloody Sunday."
We got a concert.
Simon, I'll make a deal with you.
When you design a website
that has the same
raw, emotional power as a U2 song,
then you can climb up here and
shout out the HTML code. Send.
I do more than design websites and
I don't even write HTML code.
That, like U2, stopped being
important about 20 years ago.
In fact, like U2,
it's now something
that can be replicated
by a piece of software.
Brain or heart?
- What?
- Pick an organ, brain or heart?
I get one?
- You get one.
- Brain.
Okay, do you prefer
machines to humans?
Sometimes, yes.
What do you drive?
I drive a 2012 BMW X5.
Show me the keys.
Throw them up.
When you've finished desecrating
that famine memorial
and you come down,
I will let you inspect them.
Are you afraid I will
laugh at how you throw?
If that's what you're worried
about let me assure you
that is 1,000% what
I'm going to do.
No, don't throw them, Simon...
Argh!
Are you kidding me?!
Oh, Jesus! They're gone!
- They're gone! They're gone!
- Well done, Simon.
- Why didn't you catch them?
- You threw them like an idiot.
What does your brain
say you should do?
My heart agrees with you.
That's a big rock to start with.
Okay, maybe we should just
pitch camp here for the night.
Yeah, let's stop for the night.
I saw a nice little lake over there
if anyone wants to clean up.
- We are extremely filthy.
- You guys go. I'll pitch the tent.
I'll pitch the tent, Fionan. A bit
more experience in that area.
- So you go on with them.
- I can pitch a tent, FYI.
I know you can, but we're losing the
light and we need to get it up fast.
- So I'm happy to take it.
- I can pitch it just as fast.
I have a number of the relevant
proficiency badges from the scouts.
A number of what?
Proficiency badges.
Proficiency badges, erm, okay.
Just hand it over. Give it to me.
Okay.
- Lads.
- No, let's have this one play out.
Okay, I'm going to take it.
- It's going to be like that, is it?
- It appears to be like that.
- You're being a bit of a child now.
- Bun, you're the child here.
What? Why? Just give it to me.
- Bun?
- Davin's nickname.
In primary school, someone threw
a bun at his head in the canteen
and it stuck.
The nickname, that is. And the bun.
Just give it to me. Oh my
God, is that an eagle?
- That was so easy. Too easy.
- Fine, you can co-pitch it.
- But I hold the plans.
- I don't need plans.
Why don't you go get the
little ground pegs?
Bun...
Hey.
Ah, freezing.
Your sister's great.
I love, Ruth. My brother
is a lucky man.
He didn't just get
lucky, Tiny Kevin.
It's more like he broke
the whole fucking casino.
You boys looking forward
to the big day?
Actually, I won't be
there on the big day.
- I thought you two were coupled up.
- Six years.
Explain.
- It's my dad.
- What's he got to do with it?
He's never really been able to get
his head around the whole gay thing.
Continue.
He's never really
been able to accept
my homosexuality and my
partner, which is Kevin.
And?
My dad's an old man from a previous
generation. It's different times.
And?
He says he won't be coming to the
wedding if I'm at the wedding.
- He doesn't approve of me.
- And?
I've never met him.
It's a really tricky
situation for Fionan.
I mean, I've lived with
this, but it's his wedding.
I mean, if my dad doesn't go,
does my mum go on her own? It's...
It's a nightmare for Fionan.
Yeah, Fionan needs to man up
and bring it to the old boy.
End of story.
How do you want your steaks?
Fiona-la-cakes.
I was talking to the Kevs
here about the wedding plans.
I'm cooking my own if anyone
wants theirs done by me.
Why don't we ask them who they'd
prefer to have cook their steaks?
Me who did a course in
barbecue science, or...
Neither of you two clowns
are going near my meat.
- I'd rather eat it raw.
- You're not getting in there.
That's liquid ice.
No sneaky boners.
And I'm looking at you, Photoshop.
He's gone.
Yeah! Whoo!
- No, he's back.
- Come on, boys! Ha-ha!
- Where's Adobe Illustrator?
- You mean Simon? He's gone to bed.
- That's cheating.
- No, leave him alone honestly.
It's the same rules for every man.
He's going through a
hard time at the moment.
- How so?
- His business is struggling.
- I didn't know that.
- I had a look at his situation.
- It's not great.
- Not great how?
They're in deep shit. Poor guy can't
sleep. He's taking Valium and Xanax.
- They're worried about the house.
- Did you know that?
- No.
- Come here.
- The Machine, seriously.
- The Machine, just leave it.
- The Machine! He's going.
- Go back to the fire.
It's just me and you now.
How are you doing?
- Grand.
- So what do you owe?
- Owe? What are you talking about?
- Your company's debt.
- What have you been telling him?
- It was Big Kevin!
Look me in the eye and
just tell me what you owe.
- I'm not telling you what I owe.
- Why not?
Why would I tell you what I owe?
Why wouldn't you tell me what
you owe? Give me a number.
- No. No.
- Do it. Do it.
Higher or lower than three mil?
What?
- Lower?
- 2.5.
- Lower.
- Two?
- Lower.
- 1.5 mil?
- Lower.
- You're in a for a mil?
- No, you're still a way off.
- Okay, what, lower than a mil?
- What, 800?
- No.
700?
- 650?
- Oh, my God.
Six? 550?
Five? 450?
- Four? 375?
- No!
Look, okay, I owe just
under 250,000 euro
and that's with everything
leveraged to the hilt!
I'm finished, okay?
Are you happy now?
Okay.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
Honestly, I know how you feel.
- You do?
- Believe me.
So how much do you owe?
Like half a million
or something nuts?
North of that.
800,000?
Due north?
- A million?
- Keep travelling north.
- A million and a half?
- Northward.
- One and three quarter million?
- North.
TWO
- 2 million.
- Bingo.
My money, all of my money...
I don't have any money.
Oh...
- Oh, my God.
- Isn't that insane?
Do you want a beaker of whisky?
I do.
You do. Of course you do.
- Just go out and join the lads.
- All right.
Coming.
Yes, so, erm... Yeah, it turned
out to be... It was... It was...
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hey, Simon.
Hey!
There you go, Facebook.
Right.
You know, fellas...
You couldn't put a price on this.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my sweet God, no.
- You are not masturbating in here.
- Why not? I can't sleep.
Because it's disgusting
is why. Just eugh.
If I don't pull one through,
I'm not getting to sleep.
- No way.
- Not here.
Okay, look, two options.
A, I crack one off nice and quick,
just a straight-up very functional
little number into a sock
or what not and we
all get to sleep.
B, I fall asleep and my mind
supplies me with fantasies
that require me to grind
against the nearest object,
in which case that is you,
but we're almost family now,
so that's, you know...
A or B, you call it.
Outside, surely.
Outside is the compromise here.
I have a little hash
if you can't sleep.
I find that usually does the trick.
It's not a neither nor, is it?
Outside.
Two minutes.
- He's an animal.
- He can hear you.
It doesn't matter.
He'll be flattered to hear that.
I am flattered, hugely.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, sweet mystery.
Oh, my lady.
Oh, don't neglect the balls here.
- Jesus Christ!
- Oh, my God! Oh!
- Come on.
- Further away! Further away!
Jesus!
Fire.
Fire!
Argh! It's on my ass!
It's on my ass! Fuck!
- Is everyone okay?
- Oh, my God, did you see that?
See it? We were inside
the tent, The Machine!
- Inside the fire!
- That was so beautiful.
- It was like voodoo magic.
- Okay, what the fuck did you do?
Yeah, I suppose a hot rock
must have landed on it.
Little fucker, didn't see it.
But there's a nodge left, Big Kevin.
Enough for a few more,
so that's a result.
A result? We nearly fucking
died, The Machine!
Perfectly aware of that, Slick,
and I will grant you that
from a certain perspective that
I had an involvement in it,
but let's move on. Now, lodgings.
You just destroyed our property.
Officially it belonged
to the Girl Guides.
- He can't just do that!
- Do what?
Act like that! Like, like, like...
- Like what?
- We nearly died.
Fionan, you're repeating yourself
a tiny bit. You want to grab a seat?
I would fucking kill you
right now if I could.
I hate you so much.
We all do. We hate you!
- You're ruining this whole thing!
- What is this whole thing?
A stag!
Finally.
Finally... What?
Oh, my God. Look at it.
Okay, this is just a bit freaky,
but that looks like
a pair of boobs.
Those bright stars, that's
your nipples right there.
- Big beautiful boobs.
- Go to sleep.
- How did you do that?
- I got up early. Couldn't sleep.
Thinking about our heritage
and what it means to me,
I had to rebuild this thing.
You didn't source some fabric and
stitch us a new tent, did you?
No, Bilbo Baggins, I did not.
We should get moving.
Mordor awaits.
- But it doesn't make any sense.
- What do you mean?
But it's spelt see-gees.
- Segue!
- But it doesn't make... Why is it?
It's S-E-G-U-E,
so I call it see-gee.
Sometimes things are different
to the way they're spelt.
Oh, my giddy aunt. That, my
friends, is a fucking bull.
- Erm...
- Oh...
No!
Oh, I can't watch.
Oh, Jesus.
Do not look me in the eye, Mr Bull.
- He made it.
- Of course he made it.
Come on!
Okay.
Let's go through the woods.
Ow, ow, ow.
This is what happens when
we turn off our phones.
Oh, Jesus, Kevin! Savage!
I told you, nature is bullshit.
Okay, okay, okay.
Now, this, I will grant you,
is a slightly different proposition.
Does anyone want to touch it to see
what we're dealing with volts wise?
No.
- Can you feel anything?
- I can hear it.
- Ah! Oh, fuck!
- Oh, whoa!
Whoo! How was it for you,
Enormous Kevin?
It's unbelievably electric.
Well, we can't get under it.
- And we can't get over it.
- Wait, now.
It's a straight-up vault, boys.
I'm telling you.
Let's see.
We can do this. Stand back,
lads. Watch yourselves.
What you need is you need a
bit of a run-up into it.
You've got to commit.
You've got to come at a
pace with a bit of zip.
It's physics.
Okay.
Yup.
No!
- Oh, Jesus! Argh!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- Argh!
- The Machine, are you okay?
- One of us has to help him. Go.
- It's on my face!
- Okay, let's...
- Okay, come on.
- Argh!
Argh!
Argh! Argh! Argh! Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh.
- Oh, God.
- Are you all right?
- I didn't make it, boys.
- No.
No.
I'll follow. You go on. You go. Go.
Yeah, but it isn't meaningless.
It seems to me
that it takes me liking something
in order for you to like it.
And then you have to like it and
you have to like it more than me.
You have to beat me at
liking it. It's ridiculous.
- It is. I'll give you that.
- You should think about it.
Okay, I will. Give me an example.
- An example?
- An example.
Example, okay. "The Sopranos".
You saw the show first.
It doesn't mean you own it.
I'm not saying I own it. I'm
saying that your opinion of it
was informed entirely, I
think, by what my opinion was
and just to be clear,
I'm not saying I saw it first.
You didn't decide you liked it
until I decided that I liked it.
I thought the first few episodes...
That show emerged fully formed...
According to you.
Give me another example.
Another example is the
example of risotto.
Okay, for a long time, I thought
I was allergic to Arborio rice.
- I thought they were little nuts.
- I can't even comment on that.
Let's talk about
"Mulholland Drive".
Let's talk about
"Mulholland Drive".
You can simultaneously love and hate
that film. That's the whole point.
- Listen to yourself.
- I am listening to myself.
What about Vespas?
I get a Vespa. You get a Vespa.
Right, bad news, Davin, other
people in the world own Vespas.
I got to Goa. You got to Goa.
You love Goa. You're moving to Goa.
You own an Indian province?
When did that happen?
Do you know what? I think
I'm going to hate something
that I actually like just to
see if you start liking it.
And I'm going to pretend to hate it.
You'll have to continue pretending
- to like the thing that you hate.
- Sorry, what?
I don't know. I'm cold.
Risotto.
- What is it?
- It's a bothy.
It's an old communal shelter.
We'll build a shelter
inside the shelter.
I got electrocuted in my
mouth, in the tongue.
That shit was sore.
Glad to be of service.
Yeah.
- Bun, yeah?
- Yeah.
Yeah, stupid nickname.
I can see why you'd like it.
Not that many Buns in the world.
- No.
- Ruth dated a Bun.
A long time ago. It was brief.
After she broke up with
him, she came to me.
This fella Bun was really cut up.
She felt guilty about it, wanted to
know if she could make it better.
What could I say?
It takes a man a long time to
get over that kind of thing.
Yeah, not that many
Buns in the world.
That's what I call a best man.
Do you know, it wouldn't be a stag
without some element of boldness.
I have to be honest and
say that I didn't think
there would be a right
time, but er...
Oh!
- What is that?
- MDMA.
What, like the bank?
Um, this is a drug, like ecstasy.
- I've never really done that shit.
- I think you'd like it.
It can connect people to their
softer, more feminine side.
Go on, The Machine. Go on.
Come on.
Yeah!
I don't feel anything.
It's in the post.
Funny taste in it.
It's like sherbet dip.
- I feel like a blanket.
- We don't have any blankets.
No, I actually feel like a blanket,
like I resemble a blanket.
All furry. Do you want
me to lie on you?
That's really kind
of you... but no.
Okay.
So what's your story, The Machine?
- Like do you have a family?
- I did.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, they're totally
alive, or whatever.
I didn't know you
were having problems.
- I know you didn't.
- Anything I can do.
The first thing you can do is not
mention a word of this to Ruth.
I don't want her going
up the aisle thinking
I've just been fucked back down it.
Yeah, sure, The Machine.
Oh, Jesus, I've got to turn it
around before your big day.
Somehow, I mean...
I can't pitch up solo. Just...
So what happened, The Machine?
Well, as I'm sure most of you
overheard the other night,
right now financially I am up shit
creek with a turd for a paddle.
- Two million.
- I was under some serious pressure.
And the drinking, well, it was...
it was on an upward trajectory.
I was invited to the
races in Deauville
in France on a bit of a corporate.
I had two horses come in and we
were poured back onto the plane
from Paris. I needed to go
to the toilet, like badly,
and the seatbelt light wasn't going
off and the stewardess is all like,
"Le turbulence! Le seatbelt!
Le turbulence!"
And I'm like, "Je piss
maintenant! Je piss!"
"Le turbulence!" So I just kind
of get up and, you know, go.
What do you mean "go"?
I did a Gerry Depardieu on it,
if you know what I'm talking about.
You urinated into a
bottle on an aeroplane?
Depardieu had a bottle?
I got arrested, thrown
off the aeroplane.
I got thrown into the
fucking clink for 24 hours.
I had to get back to Ireland by land
and sea and when I got back home,
Rachel had changed the locks.
Now I can't see the kids.
Okay, so, er, what
did you say to her?
"Rachel, why are you being
such a dick about this?
"You've got a massive stick up
your hole about this one issue.
"I love the shit out of you
and you know that, yeah?"
What were the exact words you used?
That's verbatim 'cause I wrote it
down so I would totally nail it.
Did you apologise?
I don't think I busted out
an actual apology per se,
but she... should know that I am...
totally... filled with
regret or whatever.
You can't say the words, can you?
- What?
- Sorry, you can't say sorry.
- That's ridiculous.
- Say it, then.
- No.
- Why not?
- 'Cause I'm not feeling it.
- Hey, I know.
Davin... you stand up and be
his lawfully-wedded wife.
- Absolutely not.
- Shut this shit down, Kevin.
You have one week to
turn this thing around.
Bun, get up.
Come on, Bun.
Okay, now, look at
your beautiful wife
and tell her that you
are sorry and mean it.
- Okay.
- That's Gavin.
- Davin.
- Bun.
Just pretend.
- This is very gay.
- You have one week. Be a man.
Yeah, okay.
Rachel...
- Why are you being such a dick?
- No, no, no.
Okay.
Yeah, okay.
Rachel...
- The seatbelt light...
- No, say it.
Come on.
Mistakes were made.
There has to be music!
I need it in my earholes.
Please, just someone sing me anything.
Just something, anything!
He's right. What are we doing,
taking this stuff without music?
It's highly irresponsible.
Ho, row, the rattlin' bog,
the bog down in the valley-oh
Ho, row, the rattlin' bog,
the bog down in the valley-oh
Now, in that bog,
there was a tree
A rare tree, a rattlin' tree
The tree in the bog and the
bog down in the valley-oh!
- Hey!
- Ho, row, the rattlin' bog...
Frre Jacques, frre Jacques
Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?
- Frre Jacques, frre Jacques
- Sonnez les matinee
- Sonnez les matinee
- Frre Jacques, frre Jacques
- Frre Jacques, frre Jacques
- Sonnez les matinee
- Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?
- Frre Jacques, frre Jacques
Ding, dang, dong,
ding, dang, dong
The Camptown ladies sing
this song, doo-da, doo-da
The Camptown racetrack's
five miles long, oh, doo-da-day
Going to run all night,
going to run all day
I bet my money on a bob-tailed
nag, somebody bet on the bay
- Davin, don't be pussy. Your turn.
- No, I can't sing.
- Come on!
- Come on, Gav!
Er, okay.
On Raglan Road
On an autumn day I saw her first
And knew that her dark hair
Would weave a snare
That I might one day rue
I saw the danger yet I walked
Along the enchanted way
And I said let grief
Be a fallen leaf
At the dawning of the day
On Grafton Street
In November
We tripped lightly
along the ledge
Of a deep ravine
Where can be seen
The worth of passions pledged
The Queen of Hearts
Still making tarts
And I'm not making
Hay
Well, I loved too much
And such by such
Is happiness
Thrown away
On a quiet street
Where old ghosts meet
I watch her walking now
Away from me
So hurriedly
My reason...
I can't remember the rest.
That was deadly, Bun.
What are you doing?
- We passed a lake.
- Way back.
More of a pond, really.
- Where's he going?
- He's going for a swim.
I need water on my body.
- Fuck it.
- This is so fucking insane.
Why don't we walk there in our
clothes and then take them off?
Because, Fionan...
Oh.
Wait for me!
Whoo!
Whoo!
- This isn't familiar to me.
- I could have sworn it was here.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Well, it isn't.
- Oh, God, I'm high.
- Where's The Machine?
Maybe he's down at the lake.
- What are we going to do?
- Find the Machine.
He's at the lake!
Find The Machine, find the lake.
The Machine!
The Machine! The Machine!
The Machine!
Shit. What do we do?
- Okay, we just need to go back.
- Okay.
Wait!
- Which way is back?
- It's this way.
- It's this way.
- It's this way.
- Come on, which way is back?
- Okay, it's this way.
- I don't think it's that way!
- Which way?
- Some other way like this way!
- I came from this way!
You came from that way.
I was behind you.
- Davin, you were behind me!
- So which way did you come in?
I don't know. Possibly that way.
No, that way.
Look, come on. Okay, we're
going to go this way.
- You're winging it, Kevin!
- Shut up, Fionan!
Oh, my God.
- No, it's this way.
- It's this way!
Oh, God.
- What the fuck was that?
- Um...
Guys, we're lost. Look at the moon.
Does the moon move?
Is it a reliable instrument?
Yes.
- The moon is not reliable.
- I don't know.
- Then why did you say yes?
- Because I don't know.
We were just here.
This is where we were!
No, we weren't. We were just
somewhere that looks like this.
Maybe we should just shelter
here until daylight.
- We are naked.
- I am aware of that!
I'm fucking freezing.
I think we should keep
moving and stay warm.
Let's do the Emperor Penguin.
- Yes.
- Go in front of me!
- Go in front of me!
- Right, okay.
Close up, go!
- Keep alternating!
- Okay, okay.
Enough. Oh, I got like
eight minutes sleep.
I simply cannot be dealing
with this madness any longer.
Oh, God, where did you get to?
- Well, good morning, Fionan.
- Did you kill an animal?
I did not, but I may have
borrowed some of its clothes.
You're a fucking lunatic.
I've just decided that your
Indian name is Sulks Like A Baby.
- How long have you been up there?
- Since daybreak.
Gentlemen, we are in it now!
The bothy is nowhere to be seen.
- Why are you happy?
- Just playing it as it lays hombre.
What does that even mean? Look!
Look at what you've done to us!
We could have died of
pneumonia last night!
But you didn't. I see you improvised
a shelter, which is good.
Because you got us lost!
We all got lost, Sulks Like A Baby.
- Fionan, it's fine.
- No, it's not fine.
I have to deal with this nut job
for the rest of my fucking life.
Hey, hey, calm down.
Just leave him alone.
- I beg your pardon!
- Just... leave him alone.
Let me get this straight,
you're mates now?
I think we need to accept
we are where we are
and we've all contributed
a little bit to that.
So let's ease up on the
theatrics and move on.
Jesus, Davin. You're a joke!
You're a total fucking pussy!
He never wanted you here, right?
He screened your calls.
I'm sorry, it's true!
I'm sorry. That is true, but
it was per your insistence
and it was your decision,
so can we leave that now?
No! We can't leave it now, because
the other problem we have here is
- you're fucking full of bullshit!
- What are you talking about?
I think you're overtired.
You need to sit down.
- Breathe, try not to speak.
- Typical!
- Whatever.
- You're so fucking superior!
You have to retain the upper hand
no matter what! It's so relentless!
You act like you
understand something
nobody else can
possibly understand!
Always a little ahead of us all!
Jesus, the size of your ego!
I mean, he's never
even been in love!
- Fionan!
- At ease, Tiny Kevin.
You don't know what you're
talking about, Fionan.
Six months, Davin, your
longest ever relationship.
You had so many chances!
- Six fucking months!
- That is none of your business!
What kind of man never
lets himself fall in love?
Even that Neanderthal man is in love
whereas you always beat a retreat.
You let yourself
experience nothing.
You haven't the faintest
idea what it feels like
because you've never had
the balls to be in love!
- You're such a fucking idiot.
- I beg your pardon.
- You're wrong. I was in love.
- Oh, which one, Una? Clare?
- Fucking little Brenda?
- No, no.
The one... about
Christmas six years ago.
- Six years ago?
- Yeah.
Christmas?
Ruth?
You're so fucking stupid sometimes.
Are you telling me
Ruth broke your heart?
No, actually, she fucking
smashed it to smithereens.
I was a mess.
I was a pitiful mess.
My heart...
My heart was...
And you just cruise in there and
sweep her away, simple as that.
- I didn't know.
- Of course you didn't fucking know!
- You told me you broke up with her.
- Yeah, well, there you have it!
Right. Did you know?
Yeah.
And you actually hid it from me?
- Why didn't you tell me?
- The damage was done.
What the fuck does that mean?
Why didn't you tell me?
- Because you started seeing her.
- That was a year later!
Maybe I didn't feel I could
tell you any of that shit.
Jesus! Are we actually
friends at all?
What the fuck is going on?
I mean... Wait, okay.
Okay, oh, Jesus, Davin.
Are you still in love with her?
Oh, Jesus.
Oh.
- Ow!
- Oh.
Aow! Fuck!
This is my fucking stag!
This is my fucking stag and you tell
me that you're in love with Ruth!
The love of my life!
And now! Now! After
all these years!
You decide that this... this
is the best time to tell me!
- You!
- Get off me, you fuck...
- Ah! No! Ah!
- Ah!
- Ow! Ow!
- Stop,
Just stop it! Just
stop now! Oh! Oh!
Christ! One of my lenses has rolled
back into the back of my eye!
Good! Kevin, will
you be my best man?
Yeah, will you, Kevin? Because
there's no fucking way I'm doing it!
- Guys, you're being ridiculous!
- You are being ridiculous.
The Machine, what do we do now?
It's pretty clear what
Fionan and Davin need to do.
- Never see each other again!
- Davin, grow a set of balls!
Ask your friend to forgive
you for being such an idiot!
And then we can go, because
it's getting really cold.
- Apologise now! Say sorry!
- No!
- Fionan!
- No.
- Apologise for what?
- Jesus Christ, Davin.
- Fuck off!
- Shake hands! Shake hands!
Gentlemen, we're on the move.
Follow me.
Right, well, we can't all go.
I'm naked. Simon has ivy.
I have one tiny piece of ivy over
my balls. Worse than being naked.
- I am simply not going.
- Right, you lads, stay here.
What is he doing?
Eggs, genius.
He's having breakfast.
Mm.
Easy, now.
Easy boy.
Easy, easy, okay, okay.
Oh, my God.
Okay, okay.
Apparently, if you forcibly
insert your finger
into the dog's anus,
it will stop attacking.
- God.
- He's dead.
- Come on!
- What... are you doing?
- Oh, my God.
- Why is he doing that?
Easy, easy.
Easy, easy.
I just know that I'm not going
to be any good at this.
Easy! Throw me a weapon!
- What the...
- I'm sorry!
Haughey!
Nudey, crusty hippy bastards!
I'll shoot the shit out of ye!
Ah!
I don't want to die!
I tell you one thing boys...
I am looking forward
to this wedding.
Oh, good, I think
he's letting us on.
Clear up the bus.
Hi.
Stay off my land!
Absolutely.
Good bye.
Yes!
Can you open this up, Simon?
I don't have the keys.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Jesus, Jesus.
Oh, my God.
Fuck it.
You know what,
it's a car. It's a car.
It's just a fucking car.
It's just a fucking car. A car.
Simon...
It's just a fucking car.
Simon...
It's just a car.
Got there!
Ah!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, Jesus, no! Uli is
going to destroy me!
- How do you turn the alarm off?
- I don't know!
You're fucking kidding me.
You're out here destroying your
Jeep with the fucking boulder
and I'm inside pinching a loaf!
Why didn't you wait till I came out?
- Wait How did you do that?
- Oh, yeah. Here you go, chief.
I found them the morning after.
You're mad.
Seriously, The Machine,
you really are quite mad.
Yeah.
See you boys at the wedding.
Seven new messages.
Hey, Dad.
Yeah, it was... It was interesting.
Listen I just need
to say something.
Erm, the two Kevins are
coming to the wedding
and I'd really like
you to come, too.
Yeah, I know that. Well,
of course you're still invited.
Well, that's up to you, Dad, but
that's what's going to happen, okay?
Okay. Well, look, have a think about
it and I'll talk to you soon.
Okay, bye.
He's alive!
- Hey!
- Hey!
Thank you so much.
Hey, you!
Welcome back.
Don't forget the rings, yeah?
Rach... please.
I'm sorry.
How hard was that?
Oh, God.
Hello, everybody. I'm Davin
and I'm the best man.
I don't have any brothers.
- Or any sisters, for that matter.
- Aw!
So my friends have been my siblings
I love them like
brothers and sisters.
And I've fought with them
and laughed with them
and grown up with them
and learned from them.
And no one more so than the man
who is being married here today...
- Fionan.
- Fion-awn
I've relied on him so
much over the years
and he's always been there for me.
Even when I've expected
far too much from him,
he's been able to see
through my... idiot ways
and he's helped me to find the
man that I'm supposed to be.
So I say congratulations,
Ruth. You picked a doozy.
Yeah.
I'm so proud to call
this man my best friend.
And...
with your permission...
my brother.
Marriages are not made in heaven.
They're made here on Earth,
but you only have to take one look
at this amazing woman to know
that for my friend Fionan,
this is as close to heaven
as he's ever going to get.
So I ask you, ladies and gentlemen,
to raise your glasses with me
to Fionan and Ruth,
bride and groom.
Fionan and Ruth.
- She looked absolutely gorgeous.
- Thanks.
Who's that man?
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello there.
You must be Kevin.
- Mr Quinn.
- Derry, please.
- May I get you a drink, Derry?
- No, let me get you one.
- That's very kind of you.
- Well, it is a free bar.
- I'll give you a hand, Derry.
- Yeah, that's very kind of you.
- What would you like?
- Thank you.
- Davin.
- Hey there.
- Did you just call me Davin?
- I did. I called you Davin.
So look, I've got
something for you.
- You got me a present?
- Oh, yeah.
Wow.
"May the best man win."
Can I have your attention, please?
This is a really
special moment for me.
The most amazing day of my life.
And now my brother, The
Machine, my oldest friend,
is giving us a present of a song.
Get up here.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, my name,
or my real name...
is Richard.
- Richard? Is it?
- Yeah.
The reason I'm called
The Machine is...
Well, maybe another time, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, this song
is about the bride and groom
and about love.
But it's also a song about Ireland
and the men and women of Ireland.
In recent times, we've
taken a hell of a beating.
What with the economy and
Europe tearing us a new one.
And the Church being total
assholes about everything.
But we've got to forgive
ourselves, forgive each other
and learn to love ourselves again,
'cause the thing is we're Ireland
and that, my friends, is deadly.
Whoo!
I also want to dedicate this
to a bunch of Comancheros
I once had the honour
of riding with
out on the edge of the world.
I love those hombres.
Is it getting better?
Do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say one love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby
if you don't care for it
Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad
taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well, it's too late
Tonight
To drag the past
out into the night
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other, one...
Have you come here
for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come hereto play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head?
Did I ask too much?
More than a lot
You gave me nothing,
now it's all I've got
We're one, but we're not the same
Well, we hurt each other
Then we do it again, you say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
You ask me to enter,
but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding
on to what you've got
When all you've got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life, you've got
to do what you should
One life with each other
Sisters, brothers
We're one life,
but we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One
One
Oooh-oooh
Ooh
Maybe, maybe, maybe
Ah-ah-ah!
Ah-ah!
Ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah