1
Hey, Kantmiss!
I am the great
and powerful--
Aah!
Dale!
Just wanted
to surprise you.
You made me miss my shot.
Ow.
Son of a bitch!
My back!
Look what I got.
Is it real?
Ohh!
Psych!
It's gag bread!
Look at you.
Right.
You know...
we could run away
from here.
We could live
someplace else.
Like where?
Anywhere that's
better than here.
Darfur. Syria.
New Jersey.
Dale, that's--that's
romantic and all...
but I can't leave
my sister.
I can't leave either.
My dear, old grandma
depends on me to feed her.
God, I am never
having kids.
I mean, how can
you raise a child
in a world
where they televise
all of life's misery and
inhumanity and then pass it off
as some sort of twisted
entertainment?
"The Hunger Games."
"16 and Pregnant."
Good morning,
hungry citizens
of District 12.
In today's news,
we still have no food,
and the weather
will be shitty.
Oh, and don't forget,
today is
the Gathering Ceremony,
so, parents, please bring
your beloved children
to the square
for a random death lottery.
Thank you.
I heard that some kids
are so afraid
of getting picked
for the Games
that they'll actually
try to get disqualified
by injuring or
maiming themselves.
That's an urban legend.
Uhh!
Get in line.
Oh, come on,
bitch.
Ipso facto p--
Your movie franchise
is over.
Get back in line.
Get back in line.
Bloody dick.
Hey, no talking.
Keep it moving.
I gotta find my sister.
Good luck.
Petunia.
Kantmiss.
Hey, Mom.
I'm scared, Kantmiss.
I'm scared.
Hey, hey, don't be.
I got you this.
It's the most courageous bird
that there is...
a chicken.
When you wear this,
nothing bad can happen to you.
Shh. Shh.
No, don't cry.
You're gonna
be fine, okay?
I promise.
Keep moving.
Line up!
Girls on the right.
Boys on the left!
Welcome to the 75th annual
Starving Games.
Oh. Oh! Ohh!
Hey.
Ohh!
But that was
my sausage!
And now a video
from our esteemed leader,
President Snowballs.
He once killed
his own mother...
because she forgot to cut
the crust off his PB&J.
His only Facebook friend
is Mel Gibson.
He has an online blog
that gives away
the endings of movies
without ever using the
disclaimer "spoiler alert."
What?
He is...
the most terrible man
in the world.
I don't always like beer,
but when I want one,
I choose Tres Equis.
Tastes like piss water.
Aah!
Every year, I make you
watch this video,
because, well,
you're dumb.
People forget
how in the past
shit really hit the fan.
Corporations got too big,
and people lost trust.
They staged sit-ins.
They rioted.
You elected Lady Gaga
as President
and her running mate
Nicki Minaj.
That's why we wear
these kooky clothes now
and have bizarre hairdos.
Then I took over
and separated the country
into districts
so that stupid shit
never happened again.
Aah!
You've proven that democracy
doesn't work,
and I'm here, in my sixth
self-proclaimed term,
to ensure that all free will
is expunged,
never to rear
its ugly head again.
Yes, that brings us
to today.
Just to prove what
a sick, sadistic prick I am
and how you have
no control...
and admittedly after
watching "The Running Man"
and the Japanese
cult hit "Battle Royale,"
I came up with
the Starving Games.
Two kids from each district
are selected
to play a game to the death
with only one survivor.
The winner is to be
showered with a bounty,
including an old ham...
Oh, I love old ham.
this coupon to Subway--
buy any foot-long
for a six-inch price--
and...
a partially eaten pickle.
So happy Starving Games,
and may the odds be
never in your favor.
A President Snowballs
production.
Now let the gathering
begin! Ahem.
Hugh Janus.
Hmm?
No? Yeah. All right.
I'll pick again. Heh.
Phil Mahooters.
Please, Phil Mahooters?
Dean Gullberry.
Everyone look around.
Check behind you
for a Dean Gullberry.
This is being televised
around the country!
You won't be laughing
when two of you are picked
and thrown into the arena
for your
most certain deaths.
Ahem.
It's okay.
Petunia Evershot.
Whoo!
Yes! Yes!
I didn't get picked.
Hoo-whoo!
Hoo! Whoo! Yeah!
Whoo! Come on!
Gimme some.
Yeah. One more.
Oh! Whew.
But I got picked.
Petunia, I am so sorry.
Petunia, no. Not fair.
Do not give me
those puppy-dog eyes.
I volunteer!
Oh.
I volunteer
for the Starving Games!
Thanks, big sis.
Oh! If you never make it
back from the Games,
can I eat
your pet hamster?
What?
Come, dear.
Now let's pick a boy to
join you in the games.
I volunteer also!
Who said that?
I did.
I'm Peter Malarkey.
Oh.
Hey, Kantmiss.
I volunteered
because I like you,
a lot, and I--
I'm sorry.
Do I know you?
Um...
I'm--I'm the baker's son.
I once fed you
when you were hungry.
Oh, right.
You gave me
that walnut bread.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I have a severe
nut allergy,
and I almost died.
Let's hear it for
our contestants!
And don't forget to tune in
to the Starving Games
after the season finale
of "Downton Abbey."
Can't we say
our goodbyes?
Of course, dear.
The Capital isn't
completely inhumane.
You got 9 seconds.
Petunia!
Kantmiss!
Don't worry. You're in
good hands with Mom.
What's up with
that Peter dude?
What?
I mean he's
a total dork, right?
How much do you
think he benches?
Uh...
Time's up!
Dale!
Yeah?
Promise me you'll
take care of Petunia!
I will,
Kantmiss.
I promise.
Wait!
Later.
Shitheads.
The Nike Swoosh?
Yes, I started selling
advertising space
on my face.
Your willingness to sell
out and whore yourself
is the primary reason I
made you head programmer.
Thank you, Mr. President.
How is
the big TV show looking?
Fantastic. We've replaced Charlie
Sheen with Ashton Kutcher,
and no one really
seems to give a shit.
And the Starving Games?
It's gonna be
a great show.
We have some
very interesting contestants,
with 2 volunteers
from District 12.
Volunteers.
R-O-T-F-L-O-L.
And because
you made it law
that whoever doesn't watch the
Games would be publicly flogged,
we're expecting
record high ratings.
Well, after
last years debacle,
I really had no choice.
"Celebrity Starving
Games" was a lousy idea.
No one
could have anticipated
that Oprah would eat
all the other contestants.
I want this game to go
off without a hitch.
I don't want
some underdog
from a poor district to enter the
Games and stir up the masses
with her archery skills
and her brunette hair
fashioned into a
trademark single braid,
inspiring revolt which will not
only overthrows my presidency,
but also spawns
a successful
four-quadrant
blockbuster.
Ohh!
And I may need
a new gardener.
I'm Stanley Ceaserman,
and this is
"The Starving Games
Countdown Show!"
Tomorrow, the Games begin,
but tonight, we're going
to meet the contestants.
You'll get to know them
through their
touching backstories,
where we'll manipulate you
with heavily edited
home video footage
and tragic testimonials.
Then, when you're emotionally
attached to them,
we'll send them off
to their horrific slaughter.
Let's meet
our first contestant.
Going in order
from District One,
he's the odds-on favorite
to win this thing.
He's blond. He's Waspy.
He's the Aryan youth
incarnate.
He's Marco!
Yeah!
Ahh! Yeah!
Hello, guy.
Tell us
about yourself.
I'm from District One.
It's a prime district.
Who are you?
I'm Cinnamon,
your stylist.
How are you
holding up?
I'm scared.
I don't want to die.
Ahh. I'm here
to tell you
that I
believe in you.
You can win this.
I looked
at your records,
and you are smarter and
craftier than all of them.
Really? You think
that I can win?
Yes, Patricia.
I know it.
Who's Patricia?
You're not the girl
from District Three?
No, I'm from
District 12.
You know, this is
perfectly normal.
You seem like you strong--
And now, from District 12,
Peter Malarkey.
So, Peter, tell us,
is there a special
someone in your life?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is someone.
Aww.
Aww.
Ohh.
Well, do tell.
The person's
actually here tonight,
a person who is...
also in the Games.
In the Games with you?
Aww.
Aww.
Well, go on.
Well...
it's a person
I've been wanting
to get closer to
for a long time.
You son of a bitch.
So...
tall,
with beautiful eyes
and a smoking
hot bod, but...
you know,
more than anything,
this person's
got a lot of heart.
Aww.
Aww.
Well, you must tell us.
Who is it?
It's Marco!
Me?
Heh.
Huh?
Huh?
Let's hear it
for Peter.
You little shit!
I'm gonna stick
a foot in your ass!
Ohh! Jeez.
What the hell
was that about?
It's called
building an alliance.
Haven't you ever watched
"Survivor" or "Big Brother"?
- Aah!
- When's--
When was the last time
you trimmed your toenails?
Ohh.
And now, for our
final contestant,
from District 12,
Kantmiss Evershot.
Whoo!
Let's take a look.
Kantmiss is the best
big sister in the world.
She takes care of me.
She feeds me. She clothes me.
She even reads to me.
Ever since Dad died,
Mom's been
a little bummed out,
but that doesn't stop the three of
us from having a whole lot of fun.
From the first time
I saw Kantmiss, I knew.
I knew she was
the one for me.
She's got class.
She's a real lady.
Oh, my God.
Ohh!
Oh, my God.
Ohh!
Ohh!
Isn't that
just touching?
Aww.
Aww.
Let's bring her out,
shall we?
Kantmiss Evershot!
So, Kantmiss,
that's quite a dress.
Give us a little spin.
Heh. Go on.
Don't be shy.
Very nice.
Oh.
Wow, I'm getting word
that flames
actually ignite
from the dress.
Flames?
Oh! ! Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh,.
Oh, . Aah!
Why are you clapping,
you stupid?!
Aah!
- I'm on fire!
- I'm on fire!
Let's hear it for Kantmiss,
the girl on fire!
Ah,!
It's on fire!
It's on fire! It burns!
I'm on fire!!
Good morning, sport fans,
and welcome to the 75th
annual Starving Games.
I'm your host Bob Hylox,
and with me is my sidekick
and color commentator,
Cleaver Williams.
Cleaver, how you doing?
Excited about
today's Games?
Fantastic.
Cleaver is a past
Games winner, of course.
In fact, Cleaver,
why don't you tell everybody
in the district watching,
how you got
that delightful nickname.
I used a meat cleaver
to kill everyone.
Still got the old moves.
Hello, Siri.
Hello, Seleca.
How's it hanging, boo?
Low and to the left.
Good one.
All right.
Looks like the contestants
have taken the field.
All right, Siri,
cut to the field.
Say your prayers, my son,
'cause you are dead.
And the countdown
has begun.
30,
29...
Oh, God.
28...
27...
Hmm?
26...
25...
24,
23,
22...
21...
Now, it's very important
that the contestants
don't move
off the silver circles
before zero.
Otherwise, kablammo,
as the field is booby-trapped
with explosives.
Don't need to remind me.
I went too soon, and I
still can't poop right.
How 'bout that?
13,
12...
11...
Huh?
What are you
doing here?
We were asked
to perform
at the opening
ceremony.
This is the arena.
Oh, you're looking
for stage two.
Oh. Thanks.
Thanks.
Oops.
Wow! What a way
to start the Games!
10,
9...
8...
7...
6,
5...
4...
3...
2...
Siri, more blood.
Oh.
Much better.
Ooh!
Ooh!
Yeah, Marco! Yeah!
Let go!
I got here first!
Yaah!
Now give it to me!
No. I'm not letting go.
There is a dagger
in your back!
I'm okay!
What?
It's fine.
It's fine?
Seriously?
You're not letting go?
I want this backpack!
I want this backpack!
I want it. It's mine!
I'm not letting go!
That was my backpack!
What was that sound?
It's the cannon.
They shoot it off
to announce whenever
someone is killed.
Nice.
Looks like the odds
just got better
for me, then.
My balls!
Oh! That has
got to hurt.
Let's see
an instant replay.
My balls!
My balls!
My balls!
My ball--
My ball--
My--My ball--
My ball--
My balls!
That makes me
laugh, Bob.
Get away from me!
Wow!
Who is this girl?
What district
is she from?
I'm standing here
in scummy District 12,
where people can't believe
that Peter and Kantmiss
have actually survived
the opening.
You can see
the excitement is high,
as no one from this district
has won in a very long time.
Yeah!
Unh!
Go, Kantmiss! Whoo!
That's my girl!
That's my girl!
Yeah!
Back to you
in the studio.
I'm on TV!
Thanks, Stanley.
And how's the scoreboard
looking, Cleaver?
Got a lot
of people dead.
Still,
lot of people alive.
Enlightening.
Oh, looks like Kantmiss
is making her way
to the outer edge
of the arena.
Siri, slow her down.
Ow.
Now let's get Kantmiss back
to the center of the action.
Holla!
And cue the thrilling
action music.
Ooh.
Hmm.
Oh, you want
to play, huh? Okay.
Siri.
Yeah, what you need?
Attack her
with the latest
technological weaponry
we have.
Whoo-hah!
Oh, shit!
Yah! Whee hee hee!
Hee hee hee!
No.
What? What?
Orange you glad
to see me?
Hey, hey, hey!
What do you get
when you cross an orange
with Quentin Tarantino?
"Pulp Fiction."
You get it?
Pulp.
Hey, Kantmiss,
last time I saw
tits that small,
I was staring
at a pair of kumquats.
Aah!
Go, Kantmiss!
Ooh,
she sure showed
yo' sorry ass up!
You--You shut up, Siri.
You shut up!
Shit. Don't hate
the player.
You--
Hate the game!
Wow! I've never seen
anyone do that before.
She's badass.
Respect.
Reminds me
a little bit of myself.
I'll stop now before
I get too emotional.
Eat my ass!
Think you're so tough?
Well, come back
from this, bitch!
Hey, guys, come on!
Let's go this way!
Come on. Hurry!
Let's go!
When I see her,
she's mine.
She's gotta be
around here somewhere.
You sure Kantmiss
came this way?
Uh, I know it.
How can we be so sure
that we can trust you?
I mean, didn't you volunteer
to be in the games
just so you can get
closer to Kantmiss?
No.
I mean, maybe at first,
but I don't
like her anymore.
Really?
Well, you know,
back in District 12,
she's--
she's known
as quite the whore.
Ahh.
There.
Heh.
Nice work, Peter.
Thanks.
I'm gonna bust her gut
wide open.
This little princess
is all mine.
Raah!
And there's
Kantmiss!
Oh, no.
We're gonna kill you.
Right after we eat
our delicious treats.
Huh?
How can you
be with them?
I don't know.
I--I guess I just...
really like them.
Th-They're so cool
and popular.
I mean, I'm in
the high school A/V club.
I've never been able to hang
with the in crowd before.
Mmm.
Stay with us.
So good.
Mmm. Oh.
Hey, they said they want
to go to prom with me.
We're gonna rent a limo
and everything.
Isn't that awesome?
Peter, they are
just using you.
There can only be one winner
of the Starving Games.
Right.
All right, Kantmiss,
game over.
Glammer, you're up.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh! Looks like we got
ourselves a streaker.
Happens every Game.
What a yahoo.
Get out of here, man.
Get out of here!
Come back here.
Come back here.
Give me that.
Nice impaling.
Yeah.
He did this.
Then it did that.
Indeed, Cleaver.
And that's
definitely gonna be
our Kill of the Day!
Kill of the Day!
Kill of the Day--
of the Day!
Our Kill of the Day
is brought to you
by BetLife
insurance.
Because life
is precious...
BetLife.
How are we going
to kill her?
Ahem.
Uh...
why don't
we just take off,
uh, go kill
some other kids
and come back later?
We'll wait.
She has to come down
sooner or later.
Gross.
Hey.
Shh.
Oh.
Have the bees
land on their heads.
Okay. No, shh. Shh.
Those are tracker bees.
Getting stung causes
serious hallucinations.
Or death.
Oh!
Ow! Ow!
Oh! My ass! Aah!
I think I
just swallowed one!
Whoa.
Ooh.
Whoa. Ooh.
What--
Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh. Oh.
Whoo.
Oh.
No way.
Double rainbow.
Whoo!
Double rainbow! Ha!
Oh.
It's starting to look
like a quadruple rainbow!
Oh, my Gooood!
Yes! Yes!
Ah ha ha!
Oh, taste the rainbow.
Ooh.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Wha?
Oh, my--
What is...
Oh.
Do not make
any sudden movements.
What's wrong?
I've never
seen this happen before.
What are they?
Soul keepers.
Soul keepers!
Ah! Oh, my God! Get 'em off!
Get 'em off!
Get 'em off!
Get 'em off!
You are not
keeping my soul!
Oh! Why?
Right above your head.
No, no, no, no.
Whew.
I think
I got 'em all.
Soul Keepers hold all of the
souls of our ancient ancestors.
There goes my sister,
my grandma
and my drunk
Aunt Sheila.
Oops.
Who are you?
We are a proud
and ancient people
created by James Cameron.
I'm the king
of the world!
Here.
Give me your hair.
We'll join the ends
and make love,
Na'vi style.
Okay.
Ohh.
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
Kantmiss.
Kantmiss!
Kantmiss!
Kantmiss!
Yes.
Kantmiss! Kantmiss!
Kantmiss!
Are you trying
to hook up with me?
What? No!
No, no, no, no. Um...
I think that I was
just hallucinating.
You better not be.
I'm only 12.
The way I see it,
if we're gonna survive,
we should
work together.
But what happens if we're
the last two standing?
I won't hesitate.
This competition
is kill or be killed,
and I will kill you
where you stand,
dead, end of story.
Shit ain't personal,
strictly business
ya dig?
Okay. Here's what
I was thinking.
I could set some fires
to flush Marco and his crew
out into the clearing,
and if you find
a bow and arrow,
you could pick 'em off.
No, no. That's--
That's a great idea,
and Marco
will never see it coming.
Hello?
I'm right here.
Run! Run!
Get her!
Shit.
Totally outnumbered.
What do I do?
What do I do?
Think, Kantmiss. Think.
Hemorrhoidal irritation.
Aggravate with a swift
kick to the posterior.
Raah!
Low-hung scrotum.
Debilitate with
concise rabbit punch
to the testicular sac.
Awkward metallic orthodontic
corrective device.
Snap rubber bands to create
blunt force to the cranium.
Rampant adolescent
acne vulgaris.
Ah.
Prescribe
topical acne cream.
Pubescent boy
with raging hormones.
Disarm with natural assets.
Allow to motorboat.
You're pretty.
Raah!
Hee.
You ready to die?
Not really!
I mean, kind of hoping
I could stick around
for the sequel?
Huh?
Huh?
Mm!
All right!
We know what that sound is.
It's the end of the half.
Ah, that sucks.
I wanted
to see her die.
Halftime
with the Starving Games
cheerleaders,
presented by Viagra.
Eh, I like it, Siri,
but it's not--
it's not popping.
Don't worry, boo.
I got you.
More filthy and
gratuitous T&A coming up.
Kantmiss, what an
exciting first half.
Tell us what you're
thinking right now.
First off, I want to thank my
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
And, uh, I'm thinking
about winning, Stanley.
I just want to win.
Bob.
Stanley, do you get
a sense that Kantmiss
is aware of the frenzy
she's creating?
I don't think so, Bob.
She's electrifying.
Cleaver's Electrifying
Halftime Highlights.
Aah!
Take a look at what's trending
right now on Twitter.
Helen in District 7 tweets,
"Kantmiss gives me hope!"
And Thomas
in District 11 writes,
"Kantmiss rocks,
UR sooooo hot!"
And Tyrone in the District
of Compton tweets,
"Yo, that ho Kantmiss
is da bomb,
she's mad blowin' up
in da hood, yo!"
Smiley face emoticon.
She is blowin' up,
and I had
the chance to be
on the ground in
Kantmiss' own district,
where Kantmiss fever is
at an all-time high!
I'm here in District 12,
where everyone
is going nuts.
It's the ultimate
underdog Cinderella story,
and the po' folks here
is eating it up,
buying up merchandise with any
and everything that has to do
with Kantmiss
or the Starving Games.
T-shirts, mugs,
totes, koozies
and bobbleheads.
Look at me.
I'm just like Kantmiss.
Ohh!
Mis cojones.
Yes! Direct hit!
I'm gonna
shoot him again.
Ai! Cheese enchilada!
Oh, that felt good.
That was a close one.
Yeah.
I almost got you.
I know.
I was like, "Ohh."
Take previous positions.
Game on!
Yay!
You ready to die?
Aah! Aah!
You little turd!
Hey!
Hey!
Aah!
Rudy.
Rudy.
Sing me a lullaby.
Okay.
Not you!
Her!
Am I gonna die?
No. No, no, no.
Of course
you're not gonna die.
Worms? Isn't that
a little dramatic?
Damn you, Taylor Swift.
What an emotional and...
moving death, Cleaver.
It would bring
a tear to my eye
if my tear ducts
weren't lacerated.
Ohh.
Ohh.
I'm sorry.
This is bullshit.
The Capital can't just
treat us like pawns.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Our life is our own,
and they can't just
make us kill each other
for their own
sick amusement!
Yeah!
Yeah!
What do you say?
Let's riot
and overthrow this
totalitarian government
once and for all!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
We take a half-pound
of grade-A beef...
and top it with cheese.
Then we top it with chili...
and a hot dog and ribs
and smother it with
low-cal ranch dressing.
Then we top it with a slice
of pepperoni pizza,
with a sesame-seed bun.
Mmm, mmm.
Hey, uh...
are we still
gonna riot?
Maybe later.
I'm too hungry now.
Then we add
barbeque sauce...
tomato, onion and lettuce.
Then we add pork rinds,
Funyuns, broccoli,
nacho cheese,
Spam and wings...
and ham hocks, chitlins.
Don't forget
the watermelon wedge.
Top it all off with two scoops
of pistachio ice cream,
and finish it with
another sesame-seed bun.
The 600,000 calorie
triple bypass burger.
Starbucks?
Got a free latte for it.
Kantmiss fever is causing
a serious problem.
We almost
had a riot.
What should we do?
Give them more.
I don't understand.
The Starving Games
is a hit.
Just look at the trades.
We could finally
win an Emmy.
But the show's missing
one important thing.
What does
every successful show need
to bring it
to the next level?
I know exactly
what you mean.
A love story!
A lesbian love story!
Wait.
Lesbian love story?
Who doesn't like to see
two chicks get it on?
I know I do, big time.
But there aren't
any other women
left alive
in the Games.
Fine.
Do your normal
straight love story.
Bor-ing.
Oh, and, Seleca...
throw in a surprise twist
at the end,
like she dies or something.
I like that.
Attention, contestants.
Attention, contestants.
Attention, contestants.
We have a rule change.
There can now be two winners
of the Starving Games.
Great.
So Marco and Peter
can team up
to kill me.
Uh, specifically two people
of different genders.
Oh.
Okay. Okay.
So I hook up
with Marco,
and we kill
Peter together.
Yes!
Yeah. I like that.
No, we were thinking more like
you could team up with Peter.
No!
No!
No!
No!
No, no, I, um--
I like the whole
Marco idea better.
Hey, Kantmiss,
do me a favor here,
and hook up with Peter.
Please.
I could lose
my job for this.
And that's
my problem how?
Oh, hey.
Heh heh. Hey, guys.
What's going on?
Nah, don't worry.
I got it under control.
I swear.
W-What are you--
What are you doing?
Um...
Ohh!
I thought
we were friends.
Ah, thanks.
But I got us backstage
passes to Justin Bieber.
Oh, my God.
No. No, no,
don't you do it!
Right.
Um, I'm just gonna go team up
with Peter now, so...
Hmm.
Peter, are you here?
I'm camouflaged.
Where are you?
I'm over here.
I don't see you.
I used my skills
as a baker
to seamlessly blend in
to my surroundings.
Okay, well,
can you give me a hint?
I'm in the cake.
Oh.
You're injured.
Marco found out that I
really wasn't into him
and that I ultimately
was protecting you.
And he did this to you?
No.
I just got
my back waxed.
Aah!
Oh, that--
that looks bad.
I mean, it's...
Oh.
Aah!
Oh, it's really oozy.
Ow. Okay.
Well,
stop poking it!
Okay, well, we should
take care of you
before the infection
starts to take over.
Come on.
Ooh.
Aah!
Sorry.
Stop poking it, please.
Okay.
Ah, they're
cute together
Yeah, well, I still
want them to die.
Yeah. Duh!
Okay.
Marco won't find us
in here. Come on.
I hope
they get naked.
Come on!
Oh.
Night's falling.
It's gonna get freezing.
You've got a fever.
Here.
I'll check my bag
for something
for warmth.
Thanks, Kantmiss.
A Snuggie!
Ah. Mmm.
So warm and comfy.
What? Huh?
You know...
I've had a crush on you
for the longest time.
I used to follow you home
from school every day.
Every day.
And I remember
when you got
your first dress-up dolly
on your eighth birthday.
And when you turned 12
and got your first period.
I watched you shower
every night,
and after you got out,
I would pick through the
drain and collect your hair.
What?
You made
a hair doll of me?
Not just one.
Ohh.
That's you and me,
and those are our six kids.
And who's that?
That's our puppy, Alphie.
Woof woof!
Woof!
Eww.
She's the runt
of the litter,
but we love her
all the same.
Ohh.
Ah, you got
a hairy chick, dude.
I'm so hungry.
Poor baby.
Soup!
What?
That'll definitely
make you feel better.
Hmm?
What?
I--I think that they want
us to be more romantic,
and, in return, they'll send
us stuff to make you better.
Sounds good to me.
Sorry, Dale.
What?!
Really?
Ooh.
Oh, come on.
Hey, who thinks
they're gonna do it?
We do!
We do!
Screw you all!
What is it now?
All right!
Peter, I don't know
if I can do this.
Oh, my back.
I'm dying.
I don't know how much
longer I can hang on.
All right. Let's...
give them
what they want.
Fantastic.
True dat.
Ow. Ow!
Can you not grab
my butt so hard?
I'm not touching
your butt at all.
Ohh!
Do not be afraid.
I am but
a kindly old wizard.
Get your hand
off my ass!
Right. Well...
let me explain.
You see,
we were traveling.
We were on--
We were on our way
to the Misty--
the Misty
Mountains, yes.
And then
we heard a moan
coming from
inside this cave,
and fearing it to be
a moan of distress
and being the good
Samaritans that we are,
we came in here
to help you.
Get out!
Yes. Well. Okay.
I bid you adieu.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Whoa!
Yeah, love it!
I love it! Yeah!
Not her first trip
to the rodeo, eh?
Oh, yeah! Oh, Kantmiss!
Yeah! Oh!
Wow!
Whoa.
Ohh!
Ohh!
Oh, Peter, yes!
Score!
Even I don't get
to do that!
Oh, give me your hand.
Oh, God.
Yes!
Ride the donkey. Yes!
Ohh! Ohh!
And it's
even better in 3-D.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Thanks again
for last night.
Now that you're better,
we have to go out there.
We have to kill Marco so we can
both win the game and go home.
I--I would, but...
I think the infection's
starting to come back.
Don't push it!
Where do you think
you're going?
You can't go in there!
Whoa! Did you--Ha!
He's right there.
When are they gonna
kill each other already?
I'm getting bored.
Me, too.
Aah!
It's time to end this
once and for all.
Siri.
Dang!
What you need now?
Let's have a grand finale.
Send in the big guns.
Oh, shit.
I'll give you a war
you wouldn't believe.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Yippie-ki-yay--
Oh.
Damn it. I don't
have a catchphrase.
Ha ha ha!
I have so many of them.
I'll be back.
You know what
I mean, Chuck?
No.
Because I'm
Chuck Norris,
and catchphrases
need me!
Enh.
Why don't you shut up,
you smarty-pants wisenheimer
piece of shit?!
Let's just kill 'em.
Oh.
Ready!
Aim.
Yes!
Yo, Adrian!
Fire!
Gah!
Dale?
Dale?
What's going on
with you and this guy?
I'll talk to you
about it later.
I saw you kiss him.
I am in the middle
of a death match.
Do you like him?
Dale, you are
embarrassing me.
Go home.
Nyah.
No! If anyone
should leave...
he should.
Okay. Yeah.
I-I'll leave.
Now, Dale!
Fine.
Fine!
But I'm changing my
Facebook status to single.
Sorry about that.
He's always
been really clingy.
That's cool.
Unbelievable.
What are you
gonna do, Kantmiss?
You shoot and miss,
lover boy here is dead.
Yes!
No, no, no, no!
Huh?
Huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh!
Oh!
That'll work.
How about that, Cleaver?
Against all odds,
they've done it. They've won.
Yay.
Whew!
Peter, we won.
We survived!
We're both going home.
Attention, contestants.
There has been
yet another rule change.
And if you're thinking
what I'm thinking,
you're right.
There again
can be only one winner.
Good luck.
What if we don't give
'em the satisfaction?
What if we
both kill ourselves
and there
are no victors?
We'll ruin the Games,
and we'll show
th-that the Capital,
they can't control us!
I found these poisonous
berries in the woods.
W-We can eat them
a-and die.
Shit ain't personal,
strictly business,
ya dig?
Whaah! Whoa!
Fuck me!
Best Starving Games ever!
It's a nice shot,
Kantmiss.
What're you
doing here?
I practically show up
at the end
of every movie.
Superhero movies,
yeah, but--
Well, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
We could use
some fresh, young blood.
I mean, shit!
Just how many sequels
to "Iron Man,"
"Thor" and "Captain America"
can we make, right?
And you're pretty handy
with that bow and arrow.
Ahem!
Uh, Nick, the, uh,
bow and arrow
is sort of my thing.
Shut your ass, Hawkeye!
You're lucky you
even in the Avengers!
Yeah, but--
And don't you think
for one goddamn minute
that Marvel is gonna
spin off your character!
"Hawkeye, colon,
The Avenger Nobody
Gives a Shit About,"
will definitely not be coming
soon to a theater near you!
Burn!
Burn.
Ow.
Oh, stop being
such a cherry!
So what do you say,
Kantmiss?
I'm in.
But, um,
I'm kind of hungry.
Do you mind if we get
something to eat first?
Let's go get
some shawarma.
Avengers assemble!
Wait, don't step
off those--
Oops.
Oh! You know
what that sound means?
Bob's Post-Game Bloopers.
Aah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Good.
Blooper reel.
Ohh.
Sorry.
Blooper reel!
Cutting!
Yeah!
Oh.
And the wig is down.
Okay. I'm sorry.
I gotta get
more excited about you.
Let's do it.
Touch my leg.
Here we go.
Dude, stop.
Prank, take one.
Ohh!
Look at you!
Dale, that's
romantic and all.
Yes, why don't you
give me a little dance?
On the down, not the up.
That's good.
Now like a penguin.
That's the worst penguin I've ever seen.
Do it again.
Do you like
watching Pygmies?
Oh, yeah. Oh.
That looks good.
Look at that dripping.
I just got
my back waxed.
I'm sorry.
Kick.
Hah!
Sorry.
I kicked your ass.
No, that's fine.
Don't...
And this
is my sidekick.
Mother pus.
What'd I say?
With me.
And this is...
Shh.
...my sidekick.
And this is my sidekick.
Yeah. That's funny.
You got one line.
You do.
Ready?
And I have
another Tess Tickles.
I need to see a bi--
No, it's not,
"I need to see."
Stop hiding, and show me--
God damn it.
I need a pair
of Tess Tickles!
Shit.
For bug zapper.
Contact.
Contact.
Contact. Contact.
Uh-oh.
Hold on.
I'm sorry.
A partially
eaten pickle.
So happy Starving Games,
and may the odds
be never in your favor.
That is the worst pickle
I've ever had.
We have to kill Marco
and win the games.
Sorry. Ahh. Sorry.
We have to kill Marco
so we can both go home
and win the ga--
God damn it. Sorry.
Wow, that's amazing.
That is good.
What is that?
It's a divine mixture
of fox blood
and bear.
Delicious. Right?
Hey!
Hey, Phil, stay down there
and put your finger
in his mouth.
Okay. We're done.
We're done with this.
Blooper reel.
Blooper reel.
Cutting!