I don't know why, I've always
been big on happy endings.
You see, to me, the most romantic,
beautiful love stories ever
were the ones where
two people meet, fall in love,
and then 50, 60 years
later, one of them dies.
And then a few days after that,
the other one dies
because they just can't bear
to live without each other.
Not that that's such a good example
of a happy ending.
I mean, you got two dead people
in that example.
But that's how I always thought things
would be for Katie and me.
Not that we'd be dead, but that
we would be together forever.
Now, High-Low.
Who wants to go first? Erin?
Okay, my high today is that
I sat next to Austin Butler at lunch.
Oh, that's nice.
Is that the boy
with the three-legged dog?
No, Joel Cummings has
the three-legged dog.
Austin has
the turtle that snores.
And your low?
Camp.
What about camp?
I don't know.
Honey, you had such
a good time last year.
I know.
What is it?
Are you afraid you're going to lose
touch with Austin over the summer?
I don't know.
Well, you can always
write to each other.
When you sign your name, you can
put those little X's and O's on there.
Guys love that,
right?
Can't get enough of it.
Honey, you're gonna
have a great time.
What about you, bonehead?
What was your high today?
My high was that Gary Ellis' mom
bought a new juicer,
and today I went over to his house
and drank a chicken.
And your low?
I don't have a low.
You've gotta
have a low.
Look, I've been sitting here racking
my brain, and I do not have a low, okay?
All right, all right.
What if we enter the chicken smoothie
in the high
and low category?
How about you, Mama?
Well...
Oh, I know what your high is.
It's your anniversary.
What are you guys gonna do
tomorrow night?
- Well, I was gonna take your mother...
- Dad's gonna take me...
- ...out to a romantic dinner...
- ...out dancing.
...and possibly
some dancing.
But you're right, sweetie.
That is our high.
Look, I'd really love to
stick around for your low,
but the Dodgers
are playing the Giants.
- Go.
- Go.
- Can I go, too?
- Go.
Look, I really don't care
what we do tomorrow night.
I don't even care if we end
up at different restaurants.
Just as long as the kids see us leaving
together and coming home together.
Right.
On our first anniversary,
I gave Ben a plastic spoon.
You know, the takeout kind
from a Chinese restaurant?
It was the one we had used when we shared
our first bowl of wonton soup in the park.
He was afraid he'd lost it,
and I remember how his face lit up
when he opened the little
jewelry box I had wrapped it in.
I keep asking myself,
"When is that moment
in a marriage
"when a spoon becomes
just a spoon?"
When I first met Katie, I was
working as a writer on this comedy show,
and she had been
hired as a temp.
And, I don't know.
It's hard to explain.
There was an instant
connection, this simpatico.
I felt like she just got me.
And believe me,
there is no greater feeling in this world
than to feel gotten.
I think the loudest
silences are the ones filled
with everything
that's been said,
said wrong, said 300 times.
You're not really
hearing me.
You're so
goddamn critical!
It's hard enough with two children.
I don't need a third.
That's right, you're perfect,
and I've done nothing right in 15 years!
You're not listening.
You can't let
go of anything.
You never listen!
You hold on to
every little thing.
Why should you be
responsible for anything?
Do you have to be
critical of every fucking thing?
I kinda just take care of
everything around here.
- Fine!
- Fine!
Until fighting becomes the
condition rather than the exception,
and suddenly, without
you even knowing it,
it turns into the language
of the relationship,
and your only option is a silent
retreat to neutral corners.
Okay, are you a person?
Yes.
Are you a man?
That's debatable.
"Debatable"? Do you
have a mustache?
- A thick one.
- Aunt Rose.
- Right.
- Yes!
Good old Aunt
"five-o'clock shadow" Rose.
Oh, God, it's almost 9:00.
We're gonna miss the camp bus.
Whoa! Now, that is what
I call a mobile home.
Can you get around it?
It's five to 9:00.
Boy, they must have
to change their zip code a lot.
It's happening even as we speak.
Look, 91604, 91604.
Could you
pass it?
Their mailman
must be going crazy.
The kids are really
gonna miss their bus.
Whoa! Look, up on
the second floor!
- Somebody's about to use the bathroom!
- Ben.
Kids, put
the windows up.
We're in
the line of fire!
Would you just pass
the goddamn house?
Look, kids,
the house is making a right.
When I was in college,
we had to write a term paper,
it was for, uh, some philosophy
course I was taking,
on any book we considered
to be the one that best depicted
how we viewed the world.
And I remember some people
picking books by the great thinkers,
like Kierkegaard and Plato.
Some kids chose the Bible.
I did my paper on
Harold and the Purple Crayon.
It's a small book
about a little boy
who draws the world the way he wants
it to be with his magic crayon.
And I... I just loved
that book because
it was about everything
that I wasn't.
So let me get this straight.
You wanna write crossword puzzles?
- That's really a job somebody wants to do?
- Yes.
- And you would get paid to do this?
- Yes.
So you actually know stuff like
"Ra is the Sun God"?
As well as the symbol for radium
and the abbreviation for "regular army."
Whoa. I don't know whether to be
impressed or terrified.
I find it very soothing
and reassuring,
because you know
there are always answers.
Yeah, but not
to the really big questions,
like, "Does God exist?"
"What is the meaning of life?"
"Why does my pee smell funny
when I eat asparagus?"
Aspartic acid,
hence the name.
And this soothes you?
Yes. Since you'll never really find
the answers to the big questions,
there's a comfort in finding
the answers to the little ones.
Besides, when you finish,
there's this wonderful sense of closure,
knowing that that little world
on that half-page is complete.
Well, you left
yourself wide open.
Come to Papa!
But the problem in a marriage is,
if one person is always Harold,
drawing the world
the way they want it to be,
the other person has no choice
but to draw it the way it is.
Which is probably why they never wrote
a book about Harold's wife.
They're leaving!
I knew it! I knew it!
- Grab your bags.
- Go! Go!
- Wait! Wait!
- Hold it! Hold it!
- Two more coming.
- They'll wait, they'll wait.
- Thank you, Marty.
- Hey, no problem.
- Hey, Marty.
- Hey, Ben.
- Bye, baby.
- I love you. Have a great time.
I love you.
Have a good time.
- Bye, kid.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, honey.
- Take your sister's bag.
- Have a great time.
- Thank you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Josh, hurry up.
I saved you a seat.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Bye.
- Bye, honey.
Bye.
Okay.
Um, if you need me for anything,
I'll be at the Oceana.
Anything comes up with the kids,
just give me a call.
Of course.
Isn't this the moment
where one of us is supposed to say,
"Look, this is ridiculous.
We love each other.
"All couples go through this.
Let's give it another try"?
My ass was on television
this morning.
What are you
telling us?
I'm telling you,
my ass was on television.
Oh, that's right.
That was that special.
The Kennedy Center Salutes
50 Years of Stan's Ass.
I went to the doctor,
he took this tube
that had a little camera
on the end of it,
stuck it up my ass, and we watched it
on a monitor in his office.
- You had a sigmoidoscopy?
- Exactly.
That's a hell of a lot different
than your ass being on television.
How?
Well, first of all,
let's start with the fact
that a network
can't cancel your ass.
Point well taken.
Plus, I don't know what kind of
demographics you hope to be knocking down
with that big, hairy
crack winking at you.
All right. All right, gentlemen.
We're in a public place.
Do you think we could possibly
elevate the level of conversation?
Fine with me.
Good. I jerked off to your secretary
last night. I hope you don't mind.
- Why should I mind?
- I don't know,
I just wanted to make
sure it was all right,
so I could forge ahead
with a clear conscience.
Pound away.
Oh, you're
a good friend.
Larry really wanted
to have sex last night.
He even gave me
the 30-second massage.
Oh, you mean the "I really care
that you had a bad day" back rub
that stops just before
you truly relax,
and then quickly heads south towards
the promised land?
Exactly.
So, did you make love?
Oh, I couldn't.
I was just too tired.
How'd you
get out of it?
Well, I pretended to fall asleep
during the massage.
I even did that
heavy breathing thing.
So he thinks
you're in the really deep REM?
But the whole
thing backfired,
because when
I really fell asleep,
the baby started crying,
and then Larry pretended that he was asleep.
Fool.
If he had just gotten up with the baby,
you would have sounded the trumpets,
opened the gates
and welcomed the troops
home for Christmas.
In a heartbeat.
So what's going on
with you and Charlene?
Ooh, had a great
night last night.
And you still claim
you're not cheating.
Yeah.
I maintain that with every fiber of my being.
Online sex
is not cheating.
How do you figure?
It's 3:00 in the morning,
your wife and kids are sleeping upstairs,
and you're downstairs in your den
fucking some bimbo in cyberspace.
Okay, first of all,
we're not fucking, we're typing.
And, second of all,
and this is me taking umbrage,
Charlene is not
some bimbo.
You're right.
She's probably a stockbroker named Ralph
pretending to be some bimbo named Charlene.
Why would you piss on
something so beautiful?
What did I say?
It's not an affair.
Teresa never had sex with him.
They just kissed.
A kiss is an affair.
You think so?
Absolutely.
Once you establish anything truly
intimate with another person,
even talking,
it has to affect the person you're
supposed to be the most intimate with.
But the crazy thing is,
Teresa could fuck her husband.
She just couldn't kiss him.
I mean, really kiss him.
It's not so crazy.
There have been times when I'm so
angry at Stan that I could fuck him,
but I don't want that cow
tongue anywhere near me.
A kiss can be so much
more intimate than sex.
Yeah. Why is that?
Because fucking means, "Yeah,
yeah, I love you," but a kiss...
A kiss means,
"I like you."
That's so right.
I haven't made out, I mean,
really made out with Larry for years.
Doesn't that
make you sad?
Not really.
Why?
I don't know.
Because it's inevitable.
It's the wear and tear of the job.
The diapers, the tantrums,
the homework, the state capitals.
The kingdom, phylum, genus,
species, your mother, his mother,
and suddenly, all
you're aware of
is that there are too many
wet towels on the floor,
he's hogging the remote,
and he's scratching his back with a fork.
And finally you come
face to face with the immutable truth
that it's virtually
impossible to French kiss a person
who takes the new roll
of toilet paper
and leaves it resting on top
of the empty cardboard roll.
God forbid he takes the two
seconds to actually replace it.
Does he not see it?
Does he not see it?
I'm telling you.
Marriage is
the Jack Kevorkian of romance.
Oh, God! Ah! Oh!
Oh, Jesus. Shit!
- He hit me!
- I didn't hit her.
I was leaving the room
and she was standing in my way.
Ah! He did it
on purpose.
Guys, guys, guys,
hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on!
- Hello? Hey, Ben? What?
- Hey, look, I've got a big red...
- Let her rip!
- Katie.
You're not gonna believe
what I'm standing in front of.
They're tearing down
our old apartment.
Ooh!
- What? What?
- See? See?
Josh, did you hit her?
- She started it.
- What?
I told her never
to come in my room without asking.
It's heading for Mrs. Gutierrez's apartment.
Ooh, there goes her window.
Did you borrow
her Discman without asking?
Yeah, but, I mean,
she was done with it.
Were you done with it?
- Ben, I can't talk now.
- She hasn't used her Discman in 2 days.
Whoa! Just hit
Jack Roikman's place.
Remember the guy
with the patriotic orgasms?
"God bless America!
God bless America! Land that I love!"
Can't you just
let him use yours?
No! He never
lets me use...
Ben, I can't
talk right now.
But, Katie, this is where
you and I started.
This is where
we became an us.
Oh! Just hit the wall where we used
to measure the kids' heights.
Ben, I... Josh, you shouldn't
have hit your sister.
No TV for a week.
You're so unfair.
Wait until I tell Dad.
Jesus Christ! I gotta go.
Are you okay?
Katie! Katie!
Goddamn it!
You don't think
fantasizing is cheating?
Oh, please.
Who was getting hurt?
Yesterday, I met this
stunning blonde woman
up at the food court
at the Beverly Center.
She had, like, one of those little rings
in the belly button thing.
Yeah. But you know
what? I forgave her.
'Cause at least it wasn't
in her eyebrow or in her tongue.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
We start chatting,
and we struck up a little conversation
waiting for our turkey roll-ups.
And I'm telling you,
she's smiling, I'm smiling.
And just that,
that 30-second encounter,
that alone will do
wonders for me tonight
when I'm shaking hands
with the sheriff.
I know exactly what
you're talking about.
- Am I wrong?
- No. No, you're right.
The other day, I told a joke to this
very intriguing woman
that I ran into
at the dry cleaners'.
I mean, if this had been the '30s,
she definitely would have been a communist.
Or at a minimum,
a communist sympathizer.
But the point is,
the way she laughed at that joke
reminded me of how
Rachel used to laugh at my jokes.
You gonna follow up?
Oh, no, I could
never do that.
I think the Ten Commandments
were probably a lot easier to stick to
when you dropped
dead at 35.
I mean, we...
They should be amended.
They should have a little amendment,
like the Constitution, you know.
Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's house,
thy neighbor's wife,
thy neighbor's ass.
But, if you feel you have
to covet your neighbor's wife's ass,
just don't do it
in thy neighbor's house.
What is wrong with that?
A simple amendment.
Two-thirds majority.
Slide through both houses.
Seriously, name
me one person,
name one guy that you know
who's never cheated on his wife.
I wasn't cheating!
I walk into your office,
and I hear you telling
some woman, some Sara,
intimate details
about our relationship,
about our problems?
Obviously there's something going on
between you and this woman.
There is nothing going on between us!
We were just talking!
About us?
About our life?
We were just talking!
That's not talking.
That's a relationship!
Why didn't you tell me about
her if there's nothing to hide?
Why didn't you tell me?
I just needed
somebody to talk to!
Bullshit!
Why didn't you talk to me?
Mommy, I need
a drink of water.
I'll be right there,
honey.
You wanna know why I don't talk to you?
You wanna know why?
Because you treat me like
I'm some big fucking pain in the ass
that gets in the way
of what otherwise would be
a perfectly normal,
organized life!
Have you ever thought that
maybe everything isn't always about you?
Maybe I'm tired.
Maybe I'm dealing
with 5,000 things all day long.
Maybe every little need
you have doesn't always have to be met
at the exact moment
you need it to be met.
Mommy!
God, we have actual
kids here, Ben.
I am not a third child!
I am not talking about having
every one of my needs met!
I'm talking about
a connection, a look,
something that says that
we're on the same side here.
Why don't you talk
to your girlfriend?
I'm sure she can help us
get back on the same side.
The key to a happy marriage is to accept
the essential chasm between men and women.
Which is?
A man can mend
a fight with sex.
A woman can't have sex
until they've resolved the fight.
Why is that?
It's the basic difference between
the penis and the vagina.
A penis is a thruster,
a battering ram, if you will.
Even if it's mad, it can ram.
Sometimes it even helps.
It's the mad-ram
principle.
However, the vagina...
Ah, the vagina.
The vagina has
to be relaxed
in order to open
and receive.
It can't be that gracious hostess
in a state of anger.
And that goes for blow jobs
and kissing as well.
Every female point of entry needs to
know that the penis is coming in peace.
Do you have any
Sweet'N Low?
Would Equal be okay?
Whatever.
I've always felt that no matter
what Katie and I were going through,
no matter how painful
things got,
if our feet found each other under the blankets,
even just the slightest connection,
it would let us know that we'd entered
the demilitarized zone,
that we were gonna be okay,
that we were still an us.
There are some hurts
that you never completely get over,
and you think, I don't know
that time will diminish their presence.
And to a degree, it does,
but, uh, it still hurts,
because, well,
hurt hurts.
If you lose your room key,
contact the front desk.
And if you've got valuables, keep them
in the hotel safe. It's complimentary.
For family dining, how about a pizza poolside
from our Wolfgang Puck cafe?
Then it's a quick walk
to the Santa Monica Pier and the beach.
When the kids are acting up,
the waves will set them straight.
The Patriot is proof positive
that missile defense works.
And as we've been taught
by Saddam Hussein...
There's something about the way
that man says "Saddam"
that just makes me
want you even more.
One ruler without regard
for human decency.
Oh, my God!
- Yes, baby.
- The tooth fairy.
- Where?
- Josh's tooth.
We forgot to put
money under his pillow.
Honey.
Honey, Josh is asleep.
I'm sure this can wait a few more minutes.
No, no, no, baby!
We might forget later.
Well, who goes?
Rock, paper, scissors.
Shit!
Mr. President,
I'm entrusting you with
my soon-to-be-naked wife.
You take care of her, take care of the country.
And my love to Barbara.
I'll be right back.
Oh, Ben!
What?
Ah?
I'll be right back.
Everything that's important
in the world is in this bed right now.
I love you.
I love you.
Hi, you've reached the home of Jordan,
Jordan, Jordan and Jordan.
Nary a Jordan is present
at the moment,
so if you want to leave a message for Katie,
Ben, Josh or Erin,
what better time than...
Uh, hi, it's me.
I'm just calling to see
how the kids are doing,
see if we got
any postcards from them.
Anything comes up,
you can give me a call.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Hello?
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Uh, listen,
I just got your message.
I was in the shower
when you called.
Um, the kids seem to
be doing really well.
Um, I just put
the postcards in an envelope.
You should be
getting them tomorrow.
Good.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
The world of
the honey bee is filled with sunshine,
meadows
and bright-colored flowers.
Honey bees live
in well-organized homes called hives.
It is here that they raise their young
and make their honey.
Hello?
Yeah, hi. It's me.
Oh, hi.
How are you?
I'm good. Good.
Yeah, really good.
Good. What's up?
Huh?
What's up?
Oh, um...
You know, I was just thinking about
the upstairs bathroom, and I wanted to remind you
to schedule that guy
to come in and re-caulk the bathtub.
I've already done it.
Oh. Uh... Well.
Good.
Okay. Uh...
Then...
Bye.
Bye.
All right. Everybody looks great.
Here comes Ron.
All right. Did you
get it all out?
Hello.
I was just calling to see if you remember
the name of that tree surgeon we used.
Joey Bishop.
Yeah.
Yeah, but no.
But it was one of those
Rat Pack guys, right?
Yeah, right.
- Frank Sinatra.
- No.
- Dean Martin.
- No.
Sammy Davis, Jr.?
That's it!
Joey Davis, Jr.!
Joey Davis, Jr.,
the tree surgeon.
I can still see the sign on that little
blue truck of his.
Right. Okay, thanks.
Okay. Bye.
Listen, uh, your shirts came back
from the cleaners.
Oh. Uh, cool.
I'll come by and get 'em.
Because I can
drop them off.
No, no. No, it's fine.
I'll be happy to come get 'em.
What would be
a good time for you?
I don't know.
Um, why don't you come over tomorrow?
I'll be home by 7:00.
If you want, you can stay for dinner.
You sure?
No.
Okay.
See you tomorrow.
Hi.
Hi.
You look like...
Like you.
You, too.
I guess I could just stand out here
on the porch all night.
I mean, I've been in the house.
I've seen it.
How many times have we said,
"We really should use this porch more often"?
Come in. Come in.
My house is literally your house.
Thank you.
Hey, there's my
dry-cleaning.
Yeah, I left it
out for you.
Good. That way
I'll remember to take it with me.
Because I could put it
in the closet, but I...
No, no. That is perfect
dry-cleaning placement.
- Do you want a drink?
- Do you want something to...
- Want some wine?
- Yeah.
I think I remember
where it is.
If memory serves correct,
you like red wine?
That's right.
Yeah, yeah, it's all
coming back to me.
Wine is breathing
a lot better than I am.
So, hey, you'll never believe
what I did last night.
What?
I actually attempted
to do one of your crossword puzzles.
No.
Yes.
I have a question. What was three-down?
I just couldn't get it.
Four letters. "Feeling
of psychological discomfort."
"Blah."
"Blah."
Cheers.
Cheers.
Did...
Was this always here?
No, I bought
it last week.
Any other new appliances
I should know about?
Well, as long as we're spilling
our guts here,
I also got this
new garlic press.
The body's not even cold,
and she's out buying garlic presses.
How do you think
the kids are doing?
Well, from the cards,
it sounds like they're doing pretty good.
I think Erin misses us,
but she's okay.
Yeah, she seems okay.
You think she's okay?
I think she's okay.
Because I think she senses
that we're not okay, and...
Parents' Weekend
is coming.
Well, we'll just
have to give her
a lot of extra attention
and really love her up.
Yeah.
Should we eat?
Yeah, I could eat.
This is really good.
Thanks.
High-Low?
Sure.
What's your high?
- Honestly?
- Yeah.
Right now.
And your low?
Every minute of
the last two weeks.
How about you?
My high would have to be the Cuisinart,
because I wanted it ever so badly.
And your low?
Hmm...
I would have to say
the garlic press.
It's not nearly as handy
as I thought it would be.
I lay myself open,
and you mock me with kitchenware.
All the while making me
more attractive to you.
Is that your intention?
I'm not sure.
Well, it's working.
Well, looks like I haven't been doing
too much reading.
Yeah. No. Right.
Whoa!
Okay. I'm ready.
How about you?
- I, uh...
- What?
- Uh...
- Come on, Katie.
Remember what
Dr. Tischner said,
"If you had it once,
you can always get it back."
Was that Dr. Tischner
or was that Dr. Hopkins?
- Hopkins?
- Yeah.
The one with
the sibilant "S."
Right. No. Wrong.
It was a lateral lisp.
Sex is simply
a symbolic expression
of the emotional status
of a relationship.
Sustained lack of sex is
symptomatic of disassociation.
No, no. The one
with the lateral lisp was Dr. Rifkin.
Dr. Hopkins was the one
with the Rorschach birthmark on his forehead.
Right. The one that looked like
the state of California.
How could you pay attention
to anything that guy was saying?
This cycle
of closeness,
then estrangement
you've both told me about,
what instigates it, triggers it?
First thing that comes to your mind.
- Sacramento.
- Governor Gray Davis.
Oh, my personal favorite was
the Freudian with the prostate problem.
When two people
go to bed,
there are actually
six people in that bed.
If you'll excuse me.
Are we allowed to talk when he's gone?
I don't know.
What do you think?
To be on the safe side,
maybe we better not.
The six people in bed
are the two of you,
and your parents,
and your parents.
Now, the key is...
Will you excuse me,
please?
I can't believe that guy
charged us for the full session.
The man was peeing
on our time.
All that therapy was just
a waste of time and money.
When you think about it,
where did all that therapy really get us?
It got us right here,
laughing about it.
- He's right.
- Oh, what are you talking about?
Once it's broken,
it can never really be fixed.
- I don't know.
- The queen has spoken.
- What?
- Nothing.
Maybe it's just
too soon.
Too soon?
What are you talking about?
The whole point of having a knockdown,
drag-out fight
is playing "Hide the Salami"
afterwards.
See?
Let hard times
bring you together.
Nobody said
it would be easy.
Can't we let hard
times bring us together?
Nobody said
it was gonna be easy.
It's like
the Andrews Sisters.
After Boogie
Woogie Bugle Boy
and before
Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree.
Big career
slump there.
It's like
the Andrews Sisters before
Don't Sit Under
The Apple Tree.
The Andrews Sisters?
Sure. They didn't stop singing
just because they had a few flops.
They hung in there,
and the rest is music history.
Don't sit under the apple tree
with anyone else but me
Uh, I just don't
understand
- why you're bringing up the Andrews Sisters now.
- No, no, no.
- You're singing?
- It's just an example, Katie.
These kids are in trouble,
and you're singing?
Oh, Dot. Put out once in a while.
Your face won't be so tight.
Slut.
I just don't understand
what their career slump
has to do with our
marital problems.
Don't sit under
the apple tree
What are we
supposed to do?
Making matters worse
by dwelling on every little thing
- for the rest of our lives?
- Harry!
Is that what you think I do?
Is that how you see me?
You're a child,
Harry.
That I just dwell
on everything?
You're
a 72-year-old infant.
There are real problems here
that we haven't even begun to deal with.
Don't you think I know that?
Jesus, what happened to you?
What happened
to that fun girl,
the one with the pith helmet?
Where did she go?
You don't think I ask
myself that every day?
You beat her out of me!
There's no room here for her.
You think it's all
fun and games, Harry.
So, I guess it's all my fault
that you hang on to every little thing.
But the car doesn't
drive by itself.
It's all my fault that you can't let
go of anything.
Someone has
to take the wheel.
It's all my fault that you turned into
your goddamn mother?
Fuck you!
- Katie...
- No.
Look, I still think that
there is a chance...
Ben, you love
who we were.
You couldn't possibly love
what we've become.
I think I spotted us
at dinner tonight.
We can't stay together
just because we get a glimpse of us
every once in a while.
It was less
than 15 minutes ago.
All we proved that is if we're
apart for weeks at a time,
we might be able
to get through a dinner.
- That's not a marriage.
- Katie.
Ben...
It's over.
You're writing a book
about your grandmother?
Yeah. She was
an extraordinary woman.
Oh, I'm sure she was.
Did she fuck
a president?
No.
No. Did she
discover uranium?
No.
- A cure for cancer?
- No.
- Nothing like that?
- No.
Why would anybody
want to read a book about her?
Because, Dave,
she was four-foot-nine.
She immigrated from Europe
when she was a little girl.
She worked in a sweatshop
making buttonholes 14 hours a day,
and yet somehow
managed to raise five kids
and stay married
to the same man for 57 years.
I'm telling you, Dave,
this is gonna be the greatest
love story ever told.
Let me explain something to you.
Not as your agent.
This is as a friend.
Come here.
Come here.
All right. You see
all these people out here, huh?
You see they're getting into buildings.
They're driving in cars.
They're crossing the street there.
They're walking around.
Every single one
of these people
is going to die someday.
And they all know it.
Which is why
they tend to regard
the time that they
have on this planet as precious.
Now, there are a lot of things
that take up a lot of that time,
even if they don't enjoy it.
They have to go to work. They have to get dressed.
They have to wait in lines.
They have to clean yards. They gotta get batteries.
They have to visit
the eye doctors.
They're doing
all these things.
Now, add that to the time they spend
sleeping and eating,
and washing up
and voting,
and buying gifts
for people they don't even like,
and you can see why they're
so choosy about how they spend
whatever leisure
time they do have.
And you can
understand why,
unless she went down on
somebody really interesting,
why they're not gonna
waste their valuable time
reading a book about your
fucking grandmother!
So if I'm reading you right,
you don't like the idea.
It's not that.
You know, I find the Ariana much more
fragrant than the Raphaela.
Ari... Oh.
I'll keep that in mind.
- How you doing?
- Fine.
I never got a chance to thank you
for holding the camp bus.
Oh, please, please.
Any time you need a bus held, I am your guy.
And I noticed Erin's
teeth are looking good.
Thanks to you.
I just hope she's remembering
to wear her night retainer.
Well, you know how
kids are at camp.
Oh, please. The minute my Kevin gets
off that bus, it's goodbye, bite plate.
Is that for you?
Oh, uh... Yes.
When Deirdre and I got divorced,
I decided that I had to learn how to cook.
Ah. The Wok-y World
of Thai Cooking.
I'm branching out.
You know, as a matter
of fact, I'm taking
a Thai cooking course
this summer.
Really?
I've always been interested in Asian cooking.
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
Well, why don't
you join me?
When I think about it,
over the years, there were less and
less moments in the course of the day
when Ben and I actually
made real eye contact.
You are not
gonna believe...
- Shh.
- What?
He's almost asleep.
Maybe
it was the stuff of life.
"Who's going to take
Erin to school?"
Come here.
"Whose turn is it to pick
up Josh from his clarinet lesson?"
- Go! Go!
- Yes!
But after a while
there was a disturbing comfort in not
really having to deal with each other.
Because somehow,
you just get used to the disconnection.
And even at night, when we could finally
come together, we wound up facing forward.
Yeah, we were tired, but I think we were
afraid that if we faced each other,
there'd be
nothing there.
We're learning
Mee Krob next week.
Mee Krob?
I'll let you know.
Okay.
Oh. Here.
I'll call you. Uh...
You call me.
Okay.
When we drove to the camp for Parents'
Weekend,
I was scared to death
of having to face the kids.
It was the kind of thing you would
talk about with a best friend,
but Katie had been
my best friend,
and now I didn't know
what we were to each other,
except Josh
and Erin's parents.
What?
Nothing.
...is nothing?
This is not going
to be easy.
Look, I swear to God, Ben, the kids do not
need to be burdened with our problems.
They've still got
half a summer left.
Yeah, like that was my plan,
to burden the kids with our problems.
Jesus Christ, Katie,
will you give me some fucking credit?
- Mom!
- Dad!
Hey!
Hey!
- Hi!
- Hi! Oh.
I missed you.
I missed you so much.
I missed you both so much.
Dad?
Dad, pull yourself
together.
Dad, get off of me!
You guys both look terrific.
Show us your bunks.
Yeah, I wanna see
your bunks, too.
Hey, did you guys get your favorite
room at the lodge, the Acorn Cabin?
Yeah. Yeah, we did.
Yeah, we got the Acorn Cabin.
Good morning,
Uncle Josh.
Gentlemen.
Children!
I'm pulling
as hard as I can.
- Pull!
- Ahh!
God, I hate
lying to 'em.
Me, too. We're not
even good at it.
Even if we were good
at it, they'd still know.
What is that?
What's what?
The thing you just
put in your mouth.
Oh. It's my bite plate.
Bite plate?
Yeah, it's my
bite plate.
Why do you have
a bite plate?
For my bite.
What's wrong
with your bite?
It's askew.
Askew.
Yes, it's askew.
So this would be
an attempt to "de-skew" it?
- Yes.
- Huh.
You order
room service?
No.
- Erin.
- Erin?
- Honey, what's the matter?
- Nothing. I'm okay.
Honey,
are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
I'm fine.
I just couldn't sleep,
so I snuck out after lights out.
I know I just really
wanted to sleep with you guys.
It's okay, sweetheart. I'll call the camp
and let them know you're here.
Okay.
Why is the bed made
up on the couch?
Oh, honey, Daddy was just
doing a little reading
and I didn't want
to wake Mommy up.
Sometimes you just
can't climb out of the abyss.
I kept thinking of last summer,
when Katie and I still hoped
that if we could just put ourselves
in some idyllic setting,
that we could somehow get rid of all the
tension, and jump-start our marriage
and maybe rediscover why we fell
in love in the first place.
So last year,
after Parents' Weekend,
we thought that, maybe,
in a small trattoria in Venice,
looking out at a beautiful sunset
next to a bottle of Chianti,
we just might find
a set ofjumper cables.
How you doing?
Two Italian ices, please.
Honey, you don't have to say "Italian."
We're here. They know.
So, what're you saying?
That if I'm in Belgium
and I order a Belgian Waffle,
I just say "waffle"?
Yes, just like
if you were in Ireland
and you wanted a bowl of Irish stew,
you'd just say "stew."
Well, you know, if you're in China
and you want some Chinese food,
you just say, "Hey,
bring on the food."
We couldn't help but overhear
your delightful repartee.
We're the Kirbys from Cleveland.
And you are?
- The Mansons.
- From Spahn Ranch.
- Ah!
- That...
That's a good one.
Look, sweetie, right there,
the red cape.
- Oh, I like that.
- Yeah.
Hey! It's you...
People.
Yeah, the Kirbys
from Cleveland.
Joanie and Eddie.
Sure, sure. How could we forget?
We haven't stopped
talking about you.
Well, this is like fate.
We have to get together, break bread.
- Oh, definitely.
- Sounds great.
We're at
the Hotel Pastafagiol.
Uh, why don't you call us?
We're at the Europa Regina.
- Great, great.
- Great, great. We'll call you.
- Okay, great.
- Right on.
- Wow. Look at this.
- This is beautiful.
Yes, please.
This way.
Oh, thank you.
Canal-side seating.
Very nice.
Oh, my God!
Meant to be.
Kismet, kismet!
You know, we went looking for your hotel,
but we couldn't find it anywhere.
Yeah, it's pretty
hard to find.
Well, all's well
that ends well.
I tell ya, it was just like fate,
the first time I met Joanie.
I was working at Prudential
on the sixth floor,
and Eddie was working
at Allied Mutual on the fourth floor.
- Hand to God.
- And every day in the cafeteria,
which was on
the third floor...
- I would see Joanie in the salad bar line,
- Right.
and she would smile at me.
Not just a smile. I mean, a really big smile.
And then, one day I was at the salad bar
at Beefsteak Charlie's,
and I thought I saw her
in that salad bar line.
But it wasn't me.
It wasn't Joanie!
Wow. What are the odds of another
person in a salad bar line
looking so much like Joanie,
and yet not actually being Joanie?
What, like,
a trillion to one, huh?
Could be higher
than that, Eddie.
Well, anyway,
when I realized it wasn't Joanie,
I was so disappointed.
- Oh!
- And then I began to think
about how much
I'd hoped that it was Joanie.
But, at this point in the story,
you still hadn't met.
No.
And I couldn't get over how much I
wanted this person to be Joanie.
And I think that
was the defining moment,
because I went back to my wife there
at the table at Beefsteak Charlie's,
and I realized that
I felt more alive
thinking about that stranger
that I thought was Joanie,
than I did sitting with this
stranger who was my wife.
Well, we were both in marriages
that we had completely outgrown.
Yeah, and you know,
maybe I didn't want to admit it,
but maybe I didn't like myself enough
to be with someone who liked me.
Can you imagine anybody
not liking Eddie Kirby?
Oh, I'm not
so perfect.
Oh, beg to differ.
Anyway, that year, we both mustered up
enough courage to leave our marriages.
So at this point
you had met.
No.
- Still hadn't met?
- No.
But you know, after you've had
such a horrible marriage,
you don't want to make
the same mistakes twice.
So, I made an inner
pact with myself.
I said, "Eddie Kirby,
"you will never,
ever let the anger build up to the point
"where you just don't
like your partner."
I made the same pact.
And that became
our credo.
"Never go
to bed angry."
So now we talk
everything through.
We won't let even the tiniest
pea be under our mattress.
That's why
we never eat in bed.
Me, too.
Who would've thought that the Kirbys,
the happiest couple never to have met,
would turn out to be the greatest
aphrodisiac known to man?
If only there was a way to bottle
that unfettered state of mind
that comes with being
on foreign soil.
To just hold on to it,
even for a day, an evening, an hour.
Last year, when we got back from Italy,
God knows we gave it a try.
Hey, look at this.
While we were away, we got a special
message from his holiness, the Dalai Lama.
It's something about a softball
team he's trying to get started.
Hey, wanna write a letter to the kids
together, let them know we're back?
Sure.
"Dear Josh and Erin."
Oh, sure. You get
the easy part.
"We're
"back."
"From
"Europe."
That's not a sentence.
It's a preposition and a continent.
No, I crossed out your period
and made a sentence.
See? "We're back from Europe."
Your turn.
Thank you.
Exclamation point, comma,
closed parenthesis.
"But I
"don't want to talk
"about grammar."
Colon.
"I want to make love
"to your mother."
No, you didn't
write that.
Ben!
What? I do.
I want to.
After we finish
the letter.
No, no, no. Let's
make love right now.
We make love now.
Then we write the letter.
Come on. We only had
a couple of sentences to go.
In Europe,
you would've made love first.
What's that
supposed to mean?
Nothing.
That I'm not
spontaneous?
I'm not saying that.
No, but that's what
you were implying.
- I wasn't implying anything.
- That in Europe, I would've made love, but here...
No, no, look. I just don't want us
to get to the point where we can't make love
unless there's
a concierge downstairs.
Just because I wanted
to take three minutes
to finish a letter
to our children,
- who I haven't seen in...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is that supposed to mean?
That I don't care about our children?
If you'd just let me finish the letter,
I could be more spontaneous.
That's not spontaneous.
That's called making an appointment.
I was in the mood for some unscheduled affection,
but, ooh, I'm sorry, we're home,
I forgot, everything's
gotta be on a schedule.
You try raising children where
everything's unscheduled,
when everything
is spontaneous!
You know what, Katie?
The kids need a little
spontaneity, too!
I know that!
I am just sick and tired
of always having to be
the designated driver
of this marriage.
Hey, nobody designated you as anything.
It's a role you gave yourself!
Bullshit!
You gave me that role!
Because God forbid Ben should ever
remember to cancel the newspapers,
or put washer
fluid in his car,
or participate
in disciplining his children,
instead of flirting on the phone
with your goddamn girlfriend!
Jesus Christ. You're not gonna
bring that up again, are ya?
You're damn straight
I'm gonna bring it up again.
I haven't spoken to her
in over six months!
Not for one second
have you seen it through my eyes!
You know what, Katie,
you know what?
We don't have a pea
under our mattress.
You know what we have?
A fuckin' watermelon!
And you never want
to deal with it!
Oh, fuck it!
Jesus!
Welcome home.
Bye, Dad.
See ya, man.
Way to hit the ball.
- Thanks.
- All right.
I love you.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, buddy.
- I love you.
- Love you.
- See you guys in a month.
- Good. Bye.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
- Bye, you guys.
- Not too many marshmallows.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Just a couple of weeks.
Watch your toes.
See ya.
Okay. Bye, kids.
Bye!
You think we should
get one lawyer or two?
One.
Maybe we can at least
make this part...
All I care about is that we make it
as easy for the kids as possible.
Yeah.
And I'm sure you
noticed that the bathroom
still has the original
tiling from the '20s.
Yeah, it's nice.
You know, since you're a writer,
I know you would appreciate that the sister
of Bette Davis' chauffeur once had Thanksgiving
in the apartment next door.
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
Are there any other
kids in this building?
Oh, oodles.
Including, if I might add,
the nephew of the actor
who jumped third
into the fourth lifeboat on Titanic.
Rent the film, you'll
see, I'll introduce you.
You know, I am showing it
to another family this afternoon,
but if you're
interested,
I can hold it for you, give your wife
a chance to have a little look-see...
I'm interested.
Who wouldn't be?
Look how the light from
that window fills the room.
You know,
when I showed this very apartment to the man
who did the voice
of Charlie the Tuna,
he said, and I quote,
"Wow." Unquote.
I think that
says it all.
First, you put olive oil,
garlic and tofu.
Saut until garlic
turn light brown.
Make sure that your wok have
a strong heat underneath it.
Now take an egg
and crack it to the hot oil.
Make sure all the ingredients
are cooked thoroughly.
Oh! Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.
Now we add
some Pad Thai noodle.
I saw Deirdre up at Parents' Weekend,
but I didn't see you.
Oh, I went up
the weekend before.
Since the divorce,
it's a lot easier for everyone
if we come up
at separate times.
But Kevin and I took
a great hike up to that waterfall.
Did you and Ben
take that hike?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was beautiful.
Yeah.
Spice it up
with some chili pepper.
You know, spicy food
make a better lover.
The hotter you eat,
the hotter you get.
Well, the spicier the better for me.
Whoo!
Rice vinegar.
Whoa!
Does Ben like
Thai food?
Yeah. Yeah.
Have you and Ben
ever been to Tommy Tang's?
Uh, Ben and I are...
Uh... Separated.
Oh, gee,
I had no idea.
We're... We're not
really telling people.
Oh. I understand.
I'm so sorry.
How long?
Uh, 72 hours,
four weeks, five years,
depending on when
you start counting.
I'm really sorry.
I know how hard it can be.
You know, this is gonna
sound crazy, but, um,
I always enjoyed Erin and Josh's
appointments over the years
because it gave me
a chance to get to know you,
but when you called me about your bite,
I...
I felt myself looking forward
to it because I knew we'd be alone.
And, um, just tell me
if it's too soon,
but I was wondering if maybe
you want to have dinner sometime.
We are having dinner.
Well, I was thinking of something
that didn't involve a teacher.
Now you have it.
Pad Thai noodles.
You always
hear people say,
"They stayed together too
long in a bad marriage."
Well, for the longest time,
I never thought of my marriage as being bad.
I just thought love was something you
were allowed to fall in and out of.
You know,
peaks and valleys.
But after a while,
the peaks get lower and further apart,
and then one day you find yourself wondering,
"Is this who I really am,
"someone who has taken up
permanent residence in the valley?
"Or is this just who
I am with this person?"
And then you ask yourself,
"Maybe there is another version
of my life, of myself,
"that's a happier one."
Bullshit.
"Yossel looked
into Minnie's eyes and felt...
"Nothing.
"For two years
they'd been apart.
"And now,
as she stepped off the boat,
"he realized he was looking
into the eyes of a...
"Stranger.
"A girl he no
longer knew."
"...unaffectionate
daughter
"of a blind Lithuanian
violin maker."
No, no, it's fear.
It was all about fear.
Fear is what
kept them together.
This whole time, Stan, I've been
idealizing my grandparents' marriage,
and let me tell you,
this was not the love of the ages.
Two people who stayed together
because they were terrified.
Fear of loneliness, fear of failure,
fear of the unknown.
Sure, fear.
That's the main motivator for everything.
That, and guilt, are the two emotions
that keep a society humming.
What are you saying, you and Rachel
stay together because you're afraid?
- In a word, yes.
- And you're okay with that?
In three words,
yes and no.
See, it's not
that simple.
You're looking for
clear-cut answers.
In reality, there is nothing clear-cut.
Life is not clear-cut.
Life is gray.
For instance...
What do you see
right here?
What are you
asking me, Stan?
I'm asking you,
what do you see?
I see your ass.
That's what you think you see.
But in reality, there is no ass.
What the... What
are you telling me?
There is no ass.
Just the fatty part
at the top of each leg
that just so happens to be
butted up against each other.
Hence the word "butt."
See, essentially,
what we're dealing with here
is just a continuation
of the leg.
Okay, all right,
now you lost me.
Ben, it's all
illusions.
There is no such
thing as an ass,
just like there's no such thing
as the perfect marriage,
the perfect job,
the perfect child.
The whole notion
of staying together
and living happily ever after,
all illusions.
So you're saying
you don't believe in everlasting love.
You're seeing the ass again,
and not the tops of the legs.
Love is just
lust in disguise,
and lust fades, so you damn well better
be with someone who can stand you.
Well, Katie and I have moved way
past being able to stand each other.
We've moved right
into the hatred part.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Hate fades.
Hate fades?
That's what you're telling me?
That's your message?
That's what you're gonna send me out
into the world with?
"Hate fades"? "Love is lust"?
"There is no ass"?
What a disappointment
you've turned out to be.
Just promise
me one thing.
Please, please, just promise me
that you will not say any of this to Rachel.
What, are you crazy?
This conversation ends here.
When Stan called me from the car,
I couldn't believe it.
I mean, I knew you guys were going
through some rough times, but...
We didn't wanna say anything until
we knew we weren't gonna get back together.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Well, how
are you doing?
I don't know.
I thought I'd
be devastated.
Maybe it just
hasn't hit me.
You're having
an affair.
What are you...
What are you talking about?
The only reason not to be devastated is
if you're seeing someone else.
I am not seeing
someone else.
Are you serious about this guy
you're not seeing?
I don't know what it is.
All I know is, he's nothing like Ben.
He's responsible. He plans ahead.
He has a Swiss Army Knife.
He even wants to
cook dinner for me.
He's a sandbag.
He's a what?
He's just a sandbag
against the storm,
holding off
the inevitable devastation.
Rachel,
are you okay?
Honey?
I'm sorry.
I know I'm supposed to be
the one holding your hand,
but I just
feel terrible.
I mean, the thought
of you guys not being together.
You're our
best friends.
Fourth of Julys and Thanksgivings
and Christmases.
You guys were
our Fred and Ethel Mertz.
That's weird. We thought you guys were
our Fred and Ethel Mertz.
Oh, really?
I never thought this was going
to happen to me and Ben.
I thought we were going to be
the ones to go the distance.
But I just couldn't seem to get him
to put down that purple crayon.
But that's Ben.
That's who you
fell in love with.
Katie, you are at 80
who you are at eight.
People don't change!
People change over time.
You've got to expect that.
Ben, the only way
a relationship works
is if people grow
and change together.
Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Kogen.
Mr. Jordan.
Nice to have
you tonight.
Is Mrs. Jordan not
joining us this evening?
No, she's not.
Stan! I told you to
make the reservation for three!
I forgot.
How could you forget
something like that?
Why don't you say
it a little louder?
The guy in the parking lot
didn't hear you.
It wasn't
that loud.
Right this way.
Enjoy your meal.
Did you see Sunday's
seven-down?
No, I missed
that one.
Five-letter word.
Wants. Requirements.
Rhymes with "weeds."
- Needs?
- Exactly.
It was a direct
attack on me.
Oh, Ben, come on. You're being silly.
It's just a clue in a crossword puzzle.
No. I know my wife.
She was specifically
attacking me.
And for what?
Having needs.
Like having needs
is some terrible thing.
Show me one person on this planet
who doesn't have needs.
Ben, you should
try this bread
dipped in the olive oil.
It's delicious.
Stan, give Ben
the bread.
Why must you
always yell?
- Who was yelling?
- You were.
- That was not a yell.
- That was a yell.
You just heard it as a yell.
He hears everything as a yell.
Trust me. On anyone's yell-o-meter,
that was a yell.
Ben, was that a yell?
See, he didn't hear it as a yell.
His mother was a yeller.
He's still hearing her.
How could I hear her?
You drown her out.
No, no, no,
but it's true.
For the last few years,
every time Katie opened her mouth,
all I could hear
was her mother.
Dot.
Now listen, it couldn't have
been easy for Katie
to be raised by a woman
as complicated as Dot.
Oh, please.
She wasn't complicated.
She was an idiot who made
everyone else's life complicated.
You wouldn't believe
all the beautiful psychological heirlooms
this snapping turtle
handed down.
Everything's gotta be in a neat little box
with a little blue bow on it.
Punctual.
Ordered.
God forbid anything
unexpected should happen,
any perchances,
happenstances,
left turns,
serendipities...
- Nope! No way!
- Not allowed!
Out of bounds!
Foul ball!
Fifteen-yard penalty!
Too much time
being spontaneous!
Everything's gotta be connected.
Gotta connect the dots.
Maybe that's why they call her Dot.
You notice that her name wasn't
Gay or Joy or Fun!
Ben, maybe you should try
a little of the bread.
You can't even fuck unless
everything's just right!
Like a plane
waiting for takeoff.
Windows shut?
Check.
Doors locked? Check.
Heat on? Check!
Have we covered every
possible, single reason
why everything is my fault?
Houston, we got
a problem and her name is Dot!
Ben, Ben. Bread.
There are people like Katie and Dot,
honey, who like to color inside the lines,
and then there
are people like you,
who wander
outside the lines.
That can be a very
endearing quality.
That's why Katie
fell in love with you.
It's just that once
you have children...
- I am not a third child.
- No one's saying you are.
Excuse me if my watch
occasionally has no hands on it.
Ben, that's fine.
It's just that
somebody has
to establish the routines,
- set the limit...
- What... What are you saying?
Are you saying
it's all my fault?
- No, no!
- No, no, no. It's nobody's fault.
No, no, no, no!
When people say,
"It's nobody's fault,"
they don't mean
"it's nobody's fault."
They mean,
"It's your fault."
"Nobody's fault" things are hurricanes,
earthquakes, tornadoes, acts of God.
But when a marriage fails, ooh!
It's gotta be somebody's fault.
And it's not mine!
- Ben...
- And you take that fucking bread
and you shove it up
the tops of your legs!
Maybe I'm tired.
Maybe I'm dealing
with 5,000 things all day long.
Maybe every little need you have doesn't
always have to be met
at the exact moment
you need it to be met.
I am just sick and tired
of always having to be
the designated driver
of this marriage.
Nobody designated you as anything.
It's a role you gave yourself!
Not for one second
have you seen it through my eyes!
You know what,
Katie, you know what?
We don't have a pea
under our mattress.
You know what we have?
A fuckin' watermelon!
You okay?
Take me to Katie's.
Ben. What
are you doing here?
I wanted to know what
your high was today.
Ben, you should've
called.
My high was about you.
Tonight I saw myself
through your eyes.
Ben.
And I'm sorry.
Yo, Katie, I was thinking
it might be a nice touch
to add some roasted
peanuts to the sesame...
I'm, uh...
At some point we should discuss
how to tell the children.
Hey, how you doing?
Come on in.
This is nice.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, it's close to the park.
The kids and I can walk.
You want something
to drink?
I'll take water
if you don't have anything else.
No, no, I...
We have, uh,
pretty much
anything you want.
Uh... Beer, Gatorade,
fruit juice, iced tea.
- Iced tea is fine.
- Okay.
There you go.
You have a watch.
Yeah.
Come on in.
Sit down here.
Um...
I think we
should, uh...
When we pick
the kids up Thursday,
we should just
tell 'em that night.
Uh... We don't have
to tell them right away.
Why?
What's gonna change between
now and Thursday?
Well...
Katie, you're seeing
someone else.
I'm not seeing him.
We're just talking.
Right.
Look, I'm not gonna put up
with any more of this bullshit lying to the kids.
We'll just take them to Chow Fun's.
It's their favorite restaurant.
We can tell
them there.
Ben, we can't really
talk at Chow Fun's.
Fine. Then we'll
go to the house
and we can tell
them at dinner.
After dinner.
We'll all sit
down and...
Oh, Jesus,
how do we say this?
Well,
we'll just tell
them, uh,
how much we
love them,
how amazing
and beautiful they are,
so they don't think for one minute
that any of this is their fault.
That's the important thing.
Yeah.
We'll just
say that...
Mommy and Daddy...
Or Mom and Dad.
What do you think?
Mom and Dad?
Mommy and Daddy.
All right.
We'll say that Mommy and Daddy
have grown apart.
I was just
thinking about Erin.
She'll probably
say something like,
"Well, there must be something right
about you guys
"for you to produce such beautiful
and amazing kids."
She might say something
like that, you know.
We'll just tell
her that, uh...
They were born in love
and that we'll always love them,
but Mommy and Daddy don't love
each other anymore.
Well, wouldn't it be better
if we told them
we still love each other,
but in a different way?
Fine.
We shouldn't say that?
I said it was fine.
Well, it was kind
of a weird "fine."
Would you like me
to jump up and down
about how thrilled I am that we love
each other in a different way?
Yeah, who is it?
Mr. Jordan, your couch is here.
Where have you guys been?
Come on in.
Jeez, they were supposed
to be here first thing this morning.
I'll, uh, pick you up
at 5:00 on Thursday?
So, uh, is there
anything else we
need to talk about?
Like what?
Yeah,
it's this one here.
Nothing.
Bye.
Jesus, what
happened to you?
What happened to that fun girl, the one
with the pith helmet? Where did she go?
You don't think I ask
myself that every day?
I'm talking about
a connection, a look,
something that says
that we're on the same side here.
Isn't this the moment
where one of us is supposed to say,
"This is ridiculous.
We love each other.
"All couples go through this.
Let's give it another try"?
It was supposed
to rain today.
I'm glad it didn't.
Me, too.
Turn here. If you
take Sepulveda...
What?
Nothing.
Do you,
Katie, take Ben,
to have and to hold,
in sickness and in health,
for better or for worse,
until death do you part?
I do.
It's a boy.
It's a girl.
It's a bunny!
It's a home run!
It's chicken pops.
It's over.
I love you.
Damn you!
I love you.
Damn it.
I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
I hate you!
Fuck me. Fuck me.
Fuck you!
I love you.
I'm pregnant.
My goldfish died.
My hamster died.
My father's dying.
I'm pregnant.
Maybe we should
separate.
Mom! Dad!
Mom! Dad!
- You ready?
- Yeah.
Yo! Hey, hey!
Hey! What's up, buddy?
Good to see you. How you doing?
What's the matter, Mom?
She just missed
you, that's all.
Oh, you've both
just grown so big!
Yeah! Look at you guys.
I hardly recognize you.
Hey, wait a minute.
Which one of
you is Erin?
Check it out, Dad.
Whoa! I guess we know
what your high is today.
Look at that. "Best all-around camper."
Congratulations, buddy.
Look at that, Katie.
I guess this calls for a celebration!
Come on, kids! Riverdance!
Come on, come on.
I'm the best
all-around riverdancer
Come on, Katie. Kinda like
a Little Latin Lupe Lu thing. Whoa!
Hey! Now, go
with the big finish now!
- Dad! Dad.
- Come on... What?
- I have to see these kids next summer.
- Huh?
Come on, Dad,
we're hungry.
Okay. All right.
Okay.
Let's go home.
I think we should
go to Chow Fun's.
Chow Fun's?
I thought we both agreed that
we really couldn't talk at Chow Fun's.
I know.
What are you saying?
I'm saying
Chow Fun's.
Are you saying Chow Fun's
because you can't face telling the kids?
Because if that's why you're saying
Chow Fun's, don't say Chow Fun's.
No, that's not why
I'm saying Chow Fun's.
I'm saying Chow Fun's
because we are an "us."
There's
a history here,
and histories
don't happen overnight.
You know, in Mesopotamia or ancient Troy
or somewhere back there,
there are cities built
on top of other cities,
but I don't want to build another city.
I like this city.
I know where we
keep the Bactine
and what kind of mood you're in
when you wake up
by which eyebrow
is higher,
and you always know that
I'm a little quiet in the morning
and compensate
accordingly.
That's a dance you
perfect over time.
And it's hard.
It's much harder than I thought it would be.
But there's more
good than bad,
and you don't
just give up.
And it's not
for the sake of the children.
But, oh, God,
they're great kids, aren't they?
I mean, God, and we made them.
I mean, think about that.
It's like, there were no people there
and then there were people.
And then they
grew, and...
I won't be able to say to some stranger,
"Josh has your hands,"
or, "Remember how Erin
threw up at the Lincoln Memorial?"
Then I'll try to relax.
Let's face it.
Anybody's gonna have traits
that get on your nerves.
I mean, why shouldn't it
be your annoying traits?
I'm no day at the beach,
but I do have a good sense of direction,
so at least I can
find the beach.
Which is not a criticism
of yours, it's just a...
A strength of mine.
God, you're a good friend,
and good friends are hard to find.
Charlotte said that
in Charlotte's Web,
and I love the way
you read that to Erin.
And you take on the voice of Wilbur
the pig with such commitment,
even when you're
bone-tired.
That speaks volumes
about character.
And ultimately,
isn't that what it comes down to?
What a person's made of?
Because that girl
in the pith helmet is still in here.
I didn't even know she existed
until I met you.
And I'm afraid
if you leave,
I may never
see her again.
Even though I said at times
you beat her out of me.
Isn't that the paradox?
Haven't we hit the essential paradox?
Give and take, push and pull, yin and yang,
the best of times, the worst of times.
I think Dickens said it best.
The Jack Sprat of it.
"He could eat no fat,
his wife could eat no lean."
But that doesn't really
apply here, does it?
I guess what I'm
trying to say is,
I'm saying
Chow Fun's because...
I love you.
I love you, too.
Did you hear
that, kids?
Your mom wants to go to Chow Fun's!
Isn't that great?
Oh, I love Chow Fun's!
Dad, the egg rolls are good,
but they're not that good.
No, no, the egg rolls
are fantastic!
They're warm, crispy,
greasy as all hell.
Everything you want
in an egg roll.
Exactly.
Okay, High-Low.
Erin, you first.
My high for the summer is
that Austin Butler wrote me 111 times.
How did you come up
with High-Low, anyway?
You know, I don't know.
But I've got another game.
I'm thinking of seven
words. What are they?
- Do I get a hint?
- No.
- A category?
- No.
So, they can be any seven words
in the English language?
Yes. That's right.
Fair enough.
"MacArthur Park is melting
in the dark."
No. No.
- No?
- No.
"And they lived
happily ever after."
That's six words,
but you're very close.
"And they lived
mostly happily ever after?"
I hope so.
I think so.
Think so?
I do.
I do...
Too.