1
(distant rumbling)
(water dripping)
(metallic creaking)
(breath hissing)
(fluid dripping)
(splattering)
(bubbling)
(rattling)
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] Global warning is upon us,
the Earth is in crises.
It is a time in need of heroes,
especially in one
particular, horrible place.
(slow sympathetic music)
(sighing)
- Ah.
There's a
(coughing)
(audience laughing)
There's a place
between heaven and hell
Don't need no map,
just follow the smell
A place filled with filthy air
A place full of dark despair
A place you have no prayer
A place called
(audience snickering)
New Jersey
(dramatic music)
New Jersey
New Jersey
The Garden State
(lively music)
There's an exit called the 13B
Right off the turnpike where
it smells just like pee
An exit no one dares get off
An exit where the children cough
An exit called Tromaville
(thunder crackling)
Tromaville
If the pollution doesn't
get you, the aroma will
Who will save New Jersey?
We're dying for some air
There's no hope in New Jersey, Lord
Does anybody care
Lord, does anybody care
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the story we're about to
tell you is so disturbing,
we have stationed a registered
nurse outside in the lobby.
- She has doctor
prescribed Valium to sedate
the easily terrified!
- She also has Prozac and
ketamine she got off the internet.
- And for the love of God, do
not turn off your cell phones!
- The next few hours
are a part of your life
you're never getting back!
There's no hope in New Jersey
We're hanging by a thread
We're choking in New Jersey
We might as well be dead
Lord, we need a favor
We need a soggy savior
But who, who, who
Who
I will save New Jersey
I'm Melvin Ferd III
Not him, Lord
I'm here for you, New Jersey
On that you have my word
There must be a solution
To end this damn pollution
It's time to start a global revolution
Sister, look at what
has infested our town
What is that wretchedness
It's waste, toxic waste
The worst problem we ever faced
It's sick, God, its sick
Look what it did to my measuring stick
- But where did it come from?
- Look there, across the
Hudson River, what do you see?
- Manhattan.
- The beautiful, conceited
people of Manhattan.
Happy to use New Jersey as
their toxic dumping ground!
(energetic music)
Now listen up Manhattan
We know you're stinking rich
Your bed sheets may be satin
But Jersey's not your bitch
Jersey's not your bitch
- Bless you son!
(audience chuckling)
- And don't worry, Sister!
I won't let anything stop me!
(bullies laughing)
Oh, no, the town bullies!
(dramatic music)
(groaning)
(hits thudding)
(laughing)
Nuggie!
(grunting)
(audience chuckling)
- [Both] Word!
(bullies laughing
(audience chuckling)
(tender music)
God I love New Jersey
It's such a state of mind
Why do I love Jersey
Probably 'cause I'm blind
(audience chuckling)
- Hey, Sarah, it's me Melvin.
Down here!
- Huh?
(grunting)
(audience chuckling)
Oh, hi Melvin.
Hey have you noticed a
new smell in town lately?
- It's giant vats of toxic, nuclear waste!
- Well that makes sense.
Yesterday I turned on my kitchen
faucet and fire came out!
(audience chuckling)
Oh gosh.
Won't someone save New Jersey
That's my greatest wish
- Oh oh oh...
(audience chuckling)
I will save New Jersey
From mutant strains of fish
(lively music)
- What fish?
In Tromaville
In Tromaville
If the pollution doesn't
get you, the aroma will
- Oh look, the first sun bird of spring!
(chirping)
(thumping)
(audience laughing)
- So, there you have it.
There will be one brief intermission!
This show is 18 hours long!
Help us win, New Jersey
And save us from this goo
Crap, I just got scurvy
Good God, what can we do
Damn it, we're New Jersey
We're drowning in the muck
Say a prayer for Jersey
Or else we're good and fucked
Good God, we're good and fucked
New Jersey
New Jersey
Who will save
Who will save
Jersey, the Garden State
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
(energetic music)
- 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26.
(audience snickering)
(clicking)
(audience snickering)
(clicking)
- Hi Sarah!
Gosh you look awfully pretty today.
- Oh, Melvin you always say
the nicest things to me!
- Well you're like the
greatest person in Tromaville.
You're smart, and nice, and you spend your
whole day helping people
as our town librarian!
And even though you have a handicap,
you don't want any special
treatment from anyone!
- Excuse me!
I'm wondering if you can help me.
I'm looking for a book on folk singing.
(audience snickering)
- No, sorry.
I'm blind.
Okay bye.
Melvin, Melvin I have
a confession to make.
I don't want to spend the rest of my days
helping people in this library!
What I really want to do is write a book,
a meaningful and important
book that you can
download on your iPhone!
Hey have you figured out how you're gonna
save New Jersey yet?
(audience chuckling)
- Well, I had this
cockamamy idea!
- Uh-hmm.
- See, I've been examining all those vats,
and there's the name of a
corporation written on them.
And guess what it is?
The Good Earth.
- Oh no, not the Good Earth!
- Yes, they're assaulting our planet and
defaming a classic American
Oprah-endorsed novel
all at the same time.
- Oprah.
(audience snickering)
- If only I could get
to the bottom of it all!
If only I could locate
the official town records!
- Melvin, the official
town records are here,
in the town library!
Oh but I promised the mayor that I
wouldn't show 'em to anyone.
- Oh, I understand.
- But, you're not just anyone are you?
- I'm not?
- No!
You are the sweetest
kindest man I ever met.
- Shut up!
(audience chuckling)
Really?
- And Melvin, the records
are in a box in the back,
and I didn't want anyone
to ever look inside
so I labeled them
important policy speeches
of Ivanka Trump!
(audience chuckling)
- Sarah, I could just kiss you!
Please?
- Uh...
(audience chuckling)
Hey you know what I
just realized?
We've known each other a few months now,
and I don't even know what
you look like (chuckles).
Could I um, well could I feel your face?
- Oh, gee, I don't think
that's such a good idea!
- Melvin, don't tell me you
suffer from low self esteem?
- No I'm just unattractive.
(audience chuckling)
- Now silly everyone
is beautiful in their own way!
- But I'm not.
- But you are!
- But I'm not.
- But you are!
- But I'm not.
- But you are!
- But I'm not--
(audience chuckling)
- Let's have a look...
That is so greasy...
(audience laughing)
Well, maybe you have a beautiful soul.
(audience chuckling)
- Uh, I should go and get the records.
(dramatic music)
- Hey!
- Oh!
- We need a book!
- Any book!
- Sorry, I'm blind!
Okay bye!
- Hey!
You don't know who
you're talking to do 'ya?
- He's Sluggo, I'm Bozo!
- And we're the stars of
Tromaville High football team!
- For the last seven years!
(grunting)
- And coach says we gotta read a book now!
- Coach says our teachers are getting mad
'cause we're elastic!
- Illiterate!
- Yeah!
- And you know what,
you're sort of pretty for a book lady!
(laughing)
- Oh yeah!
(barking)
- If you don't-don't, stop it!
You get out of--
- Sarah I found it!
Hey you get away from her or else!
- Or else (gibbers) what?
(audience chuckling)
- Or, or else,
maybe I'll hit you or something, maybe.
- Melvin, violence is always wrong,
even though it's often entertaining.
- Oh yeah (giggles)?
- Hey!
- Hey you leave her alone!
- And what's she to you, butt-face?
- Well, nothing.
- Huh?
- She's nothing.
- Huh?
- She's nothing.
- Huh?
- Dammit I love her!
(audience chuckling)
- I'm (mumbles), you, what...
(laughing)
- Come on, let's get out of here!
- Yep!
Love makes me nervous.
(audience chuckling)
- Oh Sarah, I didn't mean that!
- Uh, no, that's okay Melvin.
- You mean you feel the same about me?
- Oh no, I'm just uh,
I'm just pretending like
I didn't hear it...
(audience chuckling)
So what did you find in the the t--
Wha...
(audience snickering)
What uh, what did you
find in the (mumbles)...
So what did you find in the town files?
- Information so
disturbing, it could topple
the powers that run our tiny metropolis.
- What, do you mean the mayor?
Oh Melvin are you saying
you're gonna fight the mayor?
- Me?
Oh don't be ridiculous!
- Now don't tell me you're scared!
- Oh, in fact I'm
intimidated by any person
in any position of authority!
- So you're just going to
let the Good Earth turn
Tromaville into a, a cesspool
of pollution and disease?
- I hate any form of conflict!
(smacking)
Oh!
- Well then, someone has
a dilemma, don't they?
One, two, three, four, five, six--
- Sarah did you really think I--
Do you really think I could--
- Melvin,
may I touch your body's
most exciting organ?
- What...
(tender music)
- Hmm, I was right.
You do have a beautiful soul.
(mumbles), oh seven, seven, eight...
I will save you Sarah
I'll clean the air for you
And if I save you Sarah
Perhaps you'll love me too
(sympathetic music)
(audience applauding)
I'm the mayor of this crappy town
So let me tell you
how it's gonna go down
Now I'm gonna star your toxic trash
And you will pay me boatloads of cash
Cash, cash
I'm just a Jersey girl
I'm gonna rule the world
I was born to run this state
She was born, she was born to run
She's got a lot of love in her
So I'm gonna be the governor
The on the take candidate
On the take, she's on the take
She's gonna be the next governor
To run this state you
must shake it down
Tell us more
You lie or cheat or you sleep around
She's a whore
I do things the Jersey way
And there's only one thing to say
I'm just a Jersey gal
A feisty femme fatale
I'll be living on a prayer
She'll be living, living on a prayer
So watch me as I campaign
Through snow and sleet and acid rain
Can you feel the love
in the Jersey air
Feel the love, feel
the love in the air
She's just a Jersey dame
(mumbling)
Everybody's
High school flame
- Haven't I seen you somewhere
around my campaign
She was born to run
- trail?
this state
I was born, I was born to run
She's got a lot of love in her
There's an angel from above in her
Cause someday, I'm
gonna be the governor
You know what to do boys
You!
Ooh
I'm gonna be
She's gonna be
A gorgeous, governor
Oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Governor
(audience applauding)
- Excuse me.
(audience snickering)
- Okay boys.
See you next week.
Who are you and how the
hell did you get in here?
- Your secretary wasn't there.
- Dammit, never hire your mother.
- Madam Mayor, I am Melvin Ferd III,
an aspiring Earth Scientist
and you must listen to me!
- Oh!
- I know who owns the evil
Good Earth Corporation that's
been polluting our town!
- What, who?
- You!
- What?
- You own the Good Earth Corporation.
- I deny it.
- Oh yeah?
In my hand I have the
official town records!
- What, but, I hid those records
in the town library, and
I hired a blind librarian.
(audience chuckling)
- Madam Mayor, change your evil ways,
or I'll be forced to take these records
to the District Attorney!
(thumping)
Oh!
- You wouldn't!
- Yesterday I wouldn't, but now,
the love of a woman has
taught me to fight the power!
- Fuck!
(audience chuckling)
All right, all right.
Let me think, think think...
All right, I got it.
(sultry music)
Melvin, there's really no need for you
to go do the DA handsome.
- There's not?
- Nooo, 'cause...
You're just a Jersey boy
Who I want to
(gagging)
(audience snickering)
Employ
- Employ?
I'll make you my deputy
Deputy gonna be my deputy
- Oh wow really?
How 'bout a badge for my chest
- Sure!
Boy Sarah's gonna be impressed
Who is Sarah
- She's the blind libr--
Wait, I don't care
I don't care I don't care I don't care
Come back to tomorrow pop
Now let's get all this cleaning up
(mumbles) from this toxic nightmare
Gee I'm gonna be a
Deputy
- Oh my god, thank you!
(tense music)
Sluggo!
- Yeah, Auntie Mayor?
- His name is Melvin
(dramatic music)
Ferd
(dramatic music)
the third.
(dramatic music)
Spill his blood
Spill his guts
He found me out, that little putz
It's time for you to
pray upon the weak
Make him scream
(grunting)
Make him beg
Well, good luck, break a leg
Get juiced and drug induced
And get the geek
(laughing)
Get the, get the geek
Get the, get the geek
All the scumbags I will nab
With my badass deputy badge
Melvin Ferd is on a winning streak
- What?
There's a hero coming your way
I'll get the girl and save the day
And I won't be some circus freak
Get the geek, get the geek
Not (mumbles)
Hello, hello geek
- Uh-oh!
(laughing)
Goodbye
Goodbye geek
- Listen fellas, I'm on a vital
mission to save Tromaville!
Get the, get the geek
Get
The
Geek
(clanging)
- [Melvin] Hey, hey fellas,
this stuff could kill me!
(laughing)
- We ain't gonna kill 'ya!
- No, we're just gonna
dip in your nosey nose.
(chuckling)
- What have I done?
- You've been boffing the mayor!
- [Melvin] Oh, I won't
bop her again, I promise!
Please, please, just don't drop me!
- All right, the
butt-face got the message.
- Should we let him go.
- Yeah, let him go (chuckles).
(Melvin screaming)
(squishing)
(audience snickering)
By let him go, I meant, let him go free!
- Oh...
(audience chuckling)
I hate it when phrases have two meanings!
(audience chuckling)
- You think he's all right?
- Butt-face?
Hey butt-face!
- Come on,
let's get out of here.
(Sarah humming)
New Jersey, such a state of mind
- Wait a minute!
Lookee here!
Why do I
- Hey hey hey!
- Who's there?
The two illiterates?
- That be right!
And we just took care of your boyfriend!
- Who?
- The stupid guy.
- Who?
- That ugly guy.
- Oh, Melvin...
(audience snickering)
No no no you see I'm totally
focused on thinking of
a brand new book idea, and then,
I'm gonna send it to Oprah,
because if you want to get
anywhere in the book industry
you have got to go through Oprah!
- Hey!
- So I just uh--
(sinister music)
- Listen blindy,
we taking you on a little date.
- Oh, sorry, I don't date cretins.
(audience snickering)
- Nah, we're talking
'bout a date right here, right now!
- Hey, I need that!
(aggressive music)
Get the, get the chick
(laughing)
- Help, help!
Help, the illiterates have me!
Get the, get the chick
(Sarah whimpering)
- No, no please!
Get the, get the--
(thunderous roaring)
- What the hell was that?
(audience laughing)
- I-I-I don't really know!
(thunderous roaring)
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
- Son of a bitch that hurt!
(perky resolute music)
- Who the hell are you?
- Who am I?
All my life I've been a pacifist
But right now, you
really got me pissed
That stuff didn't kill
me, I don't know why
There's a new Melvin in town
And he's about to get on down
It's gonna hurt like
hell, and you're gonna die
Maybe you better scram
Or I'll cut you up like a holiday ham
I'm gonna kick, kick,
kick, kick, kick your ass
I'm gonna kick, kick,
kick, kick, kick your ass
I'm gonna kick, kick,
kick, kick, kick your ass
It's gonna be a blast to kick
your ass
(grunting)
Oh snap, let's go
medieval on this freak
(screaming martial arts cry)
(clunking)
So you're here to try to
Do me some harm
While you try I'll just
to rip off your arm
It's nothing personal,
I hope you understand
Now, I don't mean to be mean
But I'm about to remove
(screaming)
your spleen
You got a problem with
that, then talk to the hand
You better pray to Billy Graham
'Cause I'm gonna show you who I am
(audience chuckling)
Oh it's your fucking arm man!
- Help me please!
Help me off the stage, pull me, pull!
Pull, pull!
So I kick, kick, kick,
kick, kicked your ass
(grunting)
Rip, rip, rip, ripped off your arm
Had, had, had
Had me a blast
(screaming)
Oh man, oh man, hot damn
That was a monster jam
And that's who I am
(clanking)
(screaming)
(groaning)
(audience applauding)
(audience chuckling)
And I kicked your
Ass
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
Sarah, hey,
Sarah, are you all right?
- (whimpers) Now who are you and how
do you know my name?
- Why it's me, Melvin!
(screaming)
Oh, what is going on?
Oh god, oh god...
(screaming)
All right!
(audience snickering)
- What is happening?
- Don't worry, those bullies will
never bother you again!
- What happened, you
didn't hurt them did you?
(tense music)
- No...
(poignant music)
(Melvin roaring)
(energetic music)
- Hoo!
(audience snickering)
Wassa!
Good god in high heaven!
What kind of monster has done this!
(hissing)
- This is Sal the cop,
Tromaville CSI, we got a DOA,
I'm gonna need a ETD ASAP,
so order me a BLT!
We got us a nasty situation
In Tromaville
In Tromaville
If the pollution doesn't
get 'ya, the aroma will
Something bad's going down
(hissing)
(audience chuckling)
Okay, come on,
we gotta get this mess cleaned up!
- Okay!
- Wait a minute!
- [FBI] What?
- Take a picture.
(laughing)
- Got it!
- I got another one, here!
Look, oh god he's got me, oh god (groans)!
- Oh, oh, I got one!
- Okay hurry, quick!
(chuckling)
Quick, go go go.
(grunting)
Oh that is good,
that is good!
(audience snickering)
Got it!
- Nice!
(tender music)
(Sarah snoring)
- Sarah, Sarah!
Are you all right?
Hello?
(Sarah snoring)
(Melvin roaring)
- Where am I?
- You're at home!
- Oh, (mumbles), what
is that pungent smell?
- I just came from the gym.
(audience snickering)
- And remind me,
who you are again?
- No one, just a concerned citizen.
- Oh no wait, you're the man who saved me!
You're my uh, my hero!
(Melvin roaring)
Why did you make that
large sound?
(audience chuckling)
- I'm not really sure.
I guess that's the noise I make when
I'm happy now!
Anyhoo, anyhoo, you're
safe, I should leave
it's been a really weird evening.
- What, no no you haven't
told me anything about you!
- Oh, I'm just, really, really, average.
- You are something else besides that!
- I am?
- Well, you're my hero!
- Oh...
- May I ask a favor, average, hero?
- Oh anything, anything at all.
- May I uh, may I feel your face?
- Oh anything but that!
- But Melvin...
- What?
- You remind me of
my friend Melvin, he too suffers from
tragic low self esteem.
- No no no I have acne.
- Oh it's okay to have acne on your face,
it's the people who have
acne in their souls,
who, (grunts) are unattractive!
- Oh, you're so, you're so noble!
You're like Mother Theresa if only
she were blind and hot!
- You know, I get that a lot.
(audience snickering)
- If you like, you can touch my chest.
- Well (sighs), I, um...
(audience snickering)
Um, oh well, hello daddy.
(audience chuckling)
- Anyway, I should get going,
if I'm home late my mother worries.
- Oh a big strapping man like you lives at
home with his mother?
Are you as wonderful as you seem?
(audience chuckling)
- Sarah there's something
I've got to tell you!
- Yeah?
- I'm...
Toxic.
(audience chuckling)
- Toxic?
- Yes!
- Uh, well now, that is a
funny name, is that French?
- Oui.
(audience chuckling)
- Toxic, wow.
No wonder you were embarrassed to tell me.
Would you mind if I called you, Toxie?
(Toxie roaring)
Toxie are you free for
brunch tomorrow, I'll make croissants,
that is French for bagels.
(audience chuckling)
(Toxie roaring)
And Toxie, I think it's wonderful that you
didn't hurt those two boys,
I find resistance to violence so sexy!
(tender music)
- Then I will never hurt a soul.
- Really?
No man has ever promised me that before.
Promise
No...
I promise
- Oh...
I promise
Sarah
(mysterious music)
(audience snickering)
- Oh, my god!
(giggles) Oh my god oh my god!
Is this all a dream?
A delusion, a fantasy?
I, I don't know (grunts).
No.
(pleasant music)
Today I met him
Can you hear the chimes
(chimes ringing)
(audience chuckling)
And he comes from the country that
Invented eclairs and mimes
(slobbering)
(perky music)
He's strong and sweet
and lives with his mother
He saved my life so there is no other
He's such a man and man is he macho
He's spicy cool like
a bowl of gaspacho
Someday he's gonna be my
big, my big French boyfriend
I have to call my best
friends in the whole world!
Hey Shiniqua I met his fly man
Shut up girlfriend gots to call Dianne
Oh my god now he sounds so foxy
Whats his name
Well I call him Toxie
And Toxie's gonna be my
big, my big French boyfriend
Her big French boyfriend
My big French boyfriend
Her BF BF
He kinda smells
But that's okay
Ah
He comes from France
And they live that way
La la
He's real polite but I got
A hunch he's gonna jump my
bones tomorrow at brunch
He's gonna jump her
bones tomorrow at brunch
Come on and jump my
bones tomorrow at brunch
Oh my god shut up, oh my
god shut up, oh my god shut
Oh my god shut up
I love this guy
He sounds really hunky
His chest is huge
He's a love monkey
We'll say I do in Atlantic City
I bet our kids
Are gonna be pretty
I don't even mind the stench
He's French
He's a hero he's a savior he's a mench
I'm verklempt
I'll be his ever loving wench
He's my big French boyfriend
Her big French boyfriend
My big French boyfriend
Her BF BF
My aaahhh...
(audience snickering)
Oh, (chuckles), (mumbles)...
My big French boyfriend
Boyfriend
(audience applauding)
(relaxing music)
She is a flower full of
Sweet perfume
She steals my breath away when she
Walks in the room
A woman like that is so hard to find
(sighing)
Oh, oh
Thank God she's blind
(audience snickering)
What would she do if
she could see my face
Would she love it tender
Or spray it full of mace
I wish I could get my eyeball
Back in my eye
When your face looks decayed
It's hard to get laid
But she thinks I'm one, beautiful guy
I could give her this geranium
And pray she doesn't touch
My cranium
(audience snickering)
Love isn't loud at
all, it's soft and kind
Oh
Oh, oh thank God she's blind
Oh, oh thank God
She's blind
(audience applauding)
(dog barking)
- [Mom] Melvin, is that you Melvin?
- Uh, go back to sleep Ma!
- [Mom] You have any idea what time it is?
- Ma don't come in here!
- [Mom] I've been the
whole night worrying,
all I ever do is worry about you!
- Ma, don't come in here don't!
- Melvin!
You're looking more and more
like your father every day!
(audience laughing)
Now Melvin, what have
you done to yourself now?
- It's not my fault Ma!
Some bullies threw me into a
vat of toxic goo, and now I'm a
- [Both] mutant with superhuman strength!
- Oh a mother's dream!
- Oh I'm sorry!
- Could you at least put
the left eyeball back
where it belongs?
- I tried, but
it wont' stay in!
- But all I ever
asked for was a grandchild!
- All right, but this
- So do you want me to fix
- isn't about you right now!
- some breakfast or
are you just gonna eat the dog?
- Ma!
(audience chuckling)
You gotta help me!
- That eyeball's gonna drive me crazy.
(audience snickering)
Melvin!
(groaning)
There's only one thing a mother can say to
her son at a time like this.
- Hmm?
(peppy music)
You're such a
Disappointment
You heard it hear first
- This isn't helping, Ma!
Of all the stunts you pulled
Son this is the worst
- What are we gonna do Ma?
I don't know, I'm still in shock
So call the doc
He might have a wonder drug
Oh, look at that ooze
leaking onto your shoes
I'm gonna have to clean this rug
Such a disappointment, follow me
My wandering disappointment, come on
So doctor, what do you think?
- This is the worst case of
chicken pox I've ever seen!
(audience snickering)
(doctor laughing)
- It's not chicken pox,
he's a mutant freak!
- In that case, wow!
He's a disappointment
The worst I've ever seen
He's a mutant freak
He's also very green
- Yeah, I noticed.
There ain't no pill, to fix his ill
My brain is in a twist
(audience chuckling)
The only cure for this kind of boy
Is to see a scientist
Also try this ointment
Oh oh oh
But what a disappointment
Oh yeah
Ooh brandy aged three years
- I know the best scientific
mind in Tromaville.
Some say he's a genius, some say he's mad!
- Oh!
- All I know,
is he is a wonderful dancer!
(audience snickering)
Yah.
But, you're what a disappointment
Oh oh oh
- So, what's your prognosis professor?
- Well after careful
examination, I have to say...
He's a disappointment
He's absolutely green
A big green freak
Never found happiness
Oh happiness
(screaming)
His eyeball's
on his cheek!
- Ooh ooh, gross!
A mutant son, ain't no fun
You have my deep regret
- He feels bad.
As far as health, his pretty self
There's only one fatal threat
Fatal threat, fatal threat
Fatal threat
- Common, household bleach!
(blubbering)
It's the only thing
that can kill a mutant!
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Ah!
- Oh god!
Still a disappointment
(audience applauding)
(peppy music)
- I got it, the idea for my new book!
An inspirational memoir!
A hot noble blind girl, oh,
is saved by a large,
mysterious, French man!
Of course she falls in love with him
because he's everything
she ever dreamed of.
Soulful, and he's sensitive,
and all muscle-ee,
and unlike any other man
that she's ever dated
there is absolutely nothing disturbing or
freakish about him.
(audience snickering)
- Uh, Sarah!
- Oh, Toxie, I thought that--
My, what is that smell?
- Newark.
(audience snickering)
Sarah, I'm afraid I can
only stay a little while.
I'm on a mission.
- A mission?
- A mission to remove every vile vat of
toxic goo from Tromaville!
- Oh, you're so green, love that!
But, do you at least have
a little time for brunch
before you go on your
mission, I made a toast-a
(speaking foreign language).
(audience chuckling)
- What?
- Well it's, 'cause you're,
it's French toast, (mumbles)...
No, back in a flash!
- Ah, I'm sure she won't mind
if we take a little look.
Ah, a French guy.
(audience chuckling)
I get it,
she must think this is me.
Okay, Oprah, so remember this
'cause it comes in later on.
(audience chuckling)
Come on, we've got to give it to the girl!
For someone that can't
see, the detail on these
things is amazing!
(audience chuckling)
I'll put it back.
(chuckling)
Oh wow, Sarah you look...
- Tea?
- Uh sure let me give you a hand.
- Uh, no it's okay...
- It's all right.
Here you go.
- Thank you.
Ow fuck.
(audience chuckling)
(grunting)
- Oh!
Oh yeah, ah, ah, ah...
- You want sugar?
- Sure.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Uh-huh?
- Yeah yeah, that's enough.
(cup ringing)
(audience snickering)
- Cheers.
- Cheers, ah...
(slurping)
Ah, that's some good tea.
- So Toxie, do you realize that this is
our first date together?
- Oh, Sarah, I've got
something to tell you!
I've never been on a date before.
- Oh, Toxie are, are you a virgin?
- I am, are you?
- Well I...
(audience snickering)
I have been with other men (chuckles).
- A lot of other men?
- Um, I have a (mumbles)...
Carry, carry the one...
(audience snickering)
But, define a lot?
- 10?
- Wow, yeah, a lot then (chuckles)!
(high pitched laughing)
Hey, you know what I want to ask you,
how about you tell me a joke!
I do so love a good joke!
- Oh I don't know any!
- Oh come on, everyone
knows at least one joke!
- Not me!
- Now don't even think
if it's funny or not!
- I really don't know any!
- Just say it!
- No!
- Just say it!
- No!
- Just say it!
- No!
- Just say it!
- How did Stevie Wonder burn his hand?
(audience snickering)
I am so, so sorry!
- No, now did he, try
to read the waffle iron?
- Yes!
- That happened to me once!
(relaxing music)
(chuckling)
Look (chuckles)!
- Oh Sarah!
I always dreamed I'd find someone
But that was just some fantasy
I'd meet a girl and she'd up and run
Love wanted no part of me
Then I met you
Beautiful you
- Me?
A true scientific breakthrough
Look deep inside
I have nothing to hide
You'll see the real me
I'm yours honestly
You make me combust
With chemical lust
I'm just so scared of
- Wow, that is...
Our hot toxic, hot toxic love
(Sarah sighing)
I spent my life in the dark
Stuck in a long
- Oh oh oh oh Sarah!
Lonely night
- There you go.
You came along
And lit a spark
Now, finally
- No, no, no, no no no!
I see the light
All 'cause of you
Beautiful you
A man who's too good to be true
(audience chuckling)
- Whoa!
I see deep inside
You have nothing to hide
I know who you are
You're my shining star
You, you make my heart beat
With nuclear heat
Now, don't be scared of
My hot toxic
Hot toxic love
When you think of it
We're a perfect fit
Were both a little offbeat
I'm what you'd call blind
I'm more Frankenstein
Yet, somehow you make me complete
Look deep inside
I have nothing to hide
You'll see the real me
I'm yours
Honestly
- No Sarah, Sarah, over here!
You make me combust
(audience chuckling)
- Ow!
With chemical lust
Now don't be scared of
My hot toxic
Hot toxic
Look deep inside
I have nothing to hide
You'll see the real me
I'm yours honestly
You make me combust
With chemical lust
Now, don't be scared of
My hot toxic
Hot toxic love
My hot toxic
Ooh
My hot toxic
Ooh-Ooh-Ooh-Ooh-Ooh
Ooh
Love
(audience applauding)
- Oh Sarah I'm sorry I can't kiss you!
(ship's horn blowing)
Oh, Sarah I have to leave!
I fear the next shipment is coming in.
- Oh?
(audience chuckling)
Toxie, what shipment?
T-Toxie, what, why you have (mumbles)...
Motherfucker!
(ship's horn blowing)
- All right Chief, how's it going?
You almost done unloading
that toxic waste?
- I can assure you Madam Mayor,
everything's fine,
everything's fine (chuckles).
- Good.
(screaming)
(audience laughing)
- What kind of fiend, has done this?
Gee pet-pet, my brother!
In the name of our ancestors,
I will avenge his death!
And blood, will spill upon the Earth,
with the red stench of e--
(Toxie roaring)
Adios!
Oh god!
- What the hell is that?
- It's the monster you idiot!
Shoot to kill!
- No, no no no no!
(gun firing)
(Mayor laughing)
(Toxie roaring)
- Okay, problem!
Bullet proof!
I'll see you later!
(screaming)
(crying)
- All right Chewbacca,
who are you and what the hell do you want?
- You mean you don't recognize me?
Why I'm Melvin Ferd III.
- You, you're that scrawny kid?
- Your goons threw me
into a vat of toxic goo,
and this is what I came out like!
- Ech!
- I should destroy you right now!
But no, not until I've
exposed the evil you've done!
- Oh, all right, make me out
to look like the bad guy here!
Don't think I don't
know what you're up to!
Uh, killing polluters,
acting outside the law,
you're trying to become a folk hero!
(audience chuckling)
(perky folk music)
(audience tittering)
(audience clapping)
Let me tell you a story about
A man with a strange complexion
He killed a lot of folks and
he made a love connection
By day, he had a girl who
baked him homemade breads
- Oh, oh god (mumbles)...
By night he
Roamed the streets and he
ripped off people's heads
This is the legend
He's the legend
The legend of the Toxic Avenger
At first, the folks were sure
he'd kill them all one day
- He'll kill us all!
But then their crime went
down and the freak seemed okay
- Oh I like him now (giggles).
He proved more popular than
Prince William and Kate
He put the garden back,
in the Garden State
This is the legend
He's the legend, the
legend of the Toxic Avenger
Oh yeah
He cleaned up Tromaville
by sealing all the vats
He won the children's love
by saving all their cats
- Oh I love you Toxie, yeah, ah!
Toxie's a hero now,
bigger than Superman
Let him lay some whip-ass on
Let him lay some whip-ass on
The man could really
lay some whip-ass on
All the town's bad
And so the cops got scared
Some of them soiled their britches
The rest just ran away like
freaked out little bitches
Now the mayor stands alone
It's her against the goon
She knows the time has come,
soon gonna be high noon
(spring reverberating)
(audience snickering)
Oh, he's the legend
- What is this?
I'm the legend
The legend of the Toxic Avenger
(audience clapping)
Oh he's the legend
He's the legend
Oh he's the legend
Hot dang, the legend
Go tell your children about the legend
You tell your children's children
You tell your children's
children's children
Have your children's
tell their friends
And their friends tell other friends
Make some calls, write some letters
Go on Facebook, tweet on Twitter
Go on LinkedIn, don't do
MySpace, no on goes there
Na na na na, na na na na,
Na na na na na na oh oh
Clap with me, clap
with me, clap with me
Take it, clap with me, clap with me
(audience clapping)
(screeching harmonica music)
- Just fucking finish it!
Fucking over-acting!
(audience laughing)
(audience tittering)
(audience applauding)
- Fucking over-acting.
(audience snickering)
The legend of the Toxic Avenger!
(dramatic music)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
(eerie bubbling)
(whistling)
- Oh!
(audience chuckling)
- Hello Kennith!
- Dammit, what are you
doing in my basement, woman?
Didn't you hear of knocking?
Ah!
- Not long ago you used
to love it when I come
into your room without knocking.
Finding you asleep, having my way!
- Dammit that's true!
But it's the same story every time!
You seduce me, then you make
me use science for evil!
- Kennith, the monster who's
been terrorizing our town--
- He's no monster, the people love him!
He's got higher poll numbers than you!
- No matter, I will soon capture him!
- How, woman?
No one knows where he's hiding!
- I'll find out!
I know his mother.
But first, tell me has he
been in to see you, big boy?
- No, no, no!
- Oh really?
Than what's this?
(dramatic music)
- Foiled by my own laundry!
- I have to destroy him, tell me how!
- No woman!
- Tell me Kennith!
- Dammit I said no!
- Oh yeah?
(dramatic music)
These two breasts can be yours
You can't buy them in stores
Go ahead take a bite
Just tell me, what's his kryptonite
I wont stand here and squeal
Though I would like a feel
Oh my brain's in a knot
Why is evil so hot
Evil is hot
Evil is hot
Don't tell me that it's not
'Cause evil is hot
I am woman
And I am man
I am straight
And I am too except for
that one time in college
So let's do the dance of the doomed
And get tanked up
On shrooms
Evil is hot
Evil is hot
Together we'll find that spot
Where evil is hot
(moaning)
(hypnotic music)
(groaning)
(audience clapping)
- Bleach!
- What?
- Throw bleach on him, oh jeez...
He'll melt faster than the
wicked witch of the west.
(Mayor laughing)
- That's all?
Common household bleach?
- I've said it, now go!
Go do your evil, damn it!
Ha, ha, ha, ha ha hot
Ho ho ho ho hot
What the hell has evil got
That makes it so hot
Damn it, it's hot
So freaking hot
Tonight we'll hit the jackpot
Where evil is hot
It's hot
It's hot
Evil is hot!
(audience applauding)
(perky percussion music)
(goofy chuckling)
Oh
Oh, oh, (grunts), ow
Uh, hey, uh ooh
Who will save New Jersey
Who will save New Jersey
It's a lot of hearsay
New Jersey
Hello boys
(giggling)
New Jersey
Ha!
Ha, Jersey
The Garden State
Garden State
Garden State
(mumbling)
Wait!
Oh...
(audience tittering)
Oh oh!
Hello poppy!
I seen you on Grindr!
(audience chuckling)
Yes, you are looking
for a power bottom, hmm?
That's me!
What's your name?
- Adrian.
- Adrian...
Ooh it's like that film
Rocky, you see, Adrian!
Oh, me I'm Lorenzo.
- Kiss the ring.
- Of course you
kiss my ring, you're a good boy!
(audience snickering)
Adrian, you remember
the name Lorenzo, you gonna
be screaming it later!
(audience laughing)
Okay boys, I'm ready now!
(perky music)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
- Ah, you have children, you think they're
gonna bring you joy!
- Oh I know, I know.
- It's all pain, it's all heartache.
- Oh I know, I know...
- He was Ceasarean, trouble from day one.
- Senora Ferd, oh Senora Ferd!
- What is it Lorenzo?
- The mayor, she coming,
the mayor she coming!
- What, no.
- Jes!
- No.
- Jes, and she say, she coming for you!
- What?
No!
- Jes!
- No!
- Jes!
- No!
- Jes!
- You don't understand, we have history!
Bad history, her and I in
the same room together!
It's impossible!
- Aww...
- Santa Maria, no no no!
- Lorenzo, (mumbles) you must stop her!
- Oh no no no no no, we
can't we can't we can't!
- Oh no I can't see her
there's no way, no way!
Whoo, I'm going out the back door!
- Oh no, no!
- Oh...
- [Lorenzo] That's the supply room!
- Santa Maria...
(audience tittering)
- Oh, no, oh, no...
Oh hold it hold it hold it!
(humming)
Ah!
Beautiful, you're so talented!
- So are you (mumbling)...
- Oh my god, quick act natural!
- Oh, okay, I got (mumbles).
- Act naturally!
(audience chuckling)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
- All right, I know she's here some where!
- Oh, Santa Maria!
- Fess up, where is she?
- Oh she not here-a!
- Oh we no know!
- Oh she not here-a!
- We no know!
- Listen you two people
of indeterminate accents,
I saw her come into
your little beauty shop.
But trust me, no amount
of beauty treatment
can make that dame look good!
Oh snap score!
(sneezing)
- Bless you!
- The supply room!
- Oh, oh!
Oh, Santa Maria!
- Naah!
- Oh oh oh oh!
- No...
- Lorenzo, Lemiss, run run!
It's finally time her and
I talked woman to woman,
and it ain't gonna be easy!
- Oh clippy come on let's go!
(energetic music)
- Okay we going now bye!
- Peppy run with me please!
- Oh!
- Eunice, come out where I can see you!
Sure I used my feminine ways to seduce,
bed, and destroy your husband,
but that's in the past!
The one I need to destroy now is your son!
Tell me where he is!
- I...
(slapping)
- You will!
- I, I won't!
(screaming)
- You will!
Fuck me!
- What?
- Nothing!
I hated you in grammar school
I hated you in high school
And if we went to college,
I'd hate you there too
You're a bitch, you're a slut
You're a liar, you're a whore
Did I leave something out
Let me think some more
You're a tart, you're a tramp
You're as cheap as Demi Moore
Guess who won this round
Snap, snap, score
Bitch, slut, liar, whore
Your sonny boy will soon go bust
Your sonny boy will eat my dust
You better tell me where he's at
And what's more
You're a bitch, you're a slut
You're a liar, you're a whore
You're a petrified,
fossilized old dinosaur
And when you're not
hair dyed, you (mumbles)
Guess who won this round
Snap, snap, snap, (gibbers) score
Ah ha, so, he's been hiding in here!
(Eunice screaming)
- [Eunice] You stay away from my Melvin!
For the first time he's successful,
yet he's in love, even if it is in love
with a blind librarian!
- [Mayor] A blind librarian?
So, he's been hiding out with her!
(Eunice screaming)
- You stay away from him!
- I will find him!
- No!
- [Mayor] And I will
destroy him, and until I do,
Tromaville is under martial law!
- [Eunice] Martial law?
You're a fascist!
Well, you know what you are!
You're a bitch, you're a slut
You're a liar, you're a whore
You bitch, you slut
You liar, you whore
Bitch bitch
Slut slut
Liar liar
Whore whore
Bitch bitch, slut slut
Liar liar, whore
Bitch bitch, slut slut
Liar liar liar liar
Whore, whore, whore
Whore, whore, whore, whore, whore
Whore, whore, whore
You whore
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
(perky music)
- [Narrator] So as the Mayor
begins her cruel, toxic hunt,
deep in the heart of Tromaville,
one frustrated young woman
dares to dream the dream
of the impossible.
(tender music)
- (mumbles) ever after.
(audience tittering)
Here it is, after five
hellish days of writing,
I finally finished my book!
And as luck would have it,
it is wonderful, so
move over J. K. Rowling!
Ooh, get out of my way John Gresham!
Go screw yourself whoever
wrote the Diary of Anne Frank!
(audience chuckling)
'Cause there's only one person I need
to make my dreams come true.
(tender music)
Some people say that you're divine
So won't you answer
this prayer of mine
I'll vow my devotion unto thee
If you'll just put me on the TV-E
I'll go on one of your cable shows
Though what channel, nobody knows
Or be in your O, magazine
I'll be the hottest
writer they've ever seen
The fricken hottest
writer they've ever seen
Choose me, Oprah
Use me, Oprah
Make me a person people adore
Hug me, Oprah
Plug me, Oprah
I'll be your book selling whore
Time for a fantasy dream sequence!
Oh, oh, oh-oh
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh oh Oprah
Oh oh, oh oh oh
- Shiniquah, Dianne!
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh Oprah
I wrote a memoir of inspiration
It tells the truth with fabrication
My book will sell like Winnie the Pooh
I can even write Maya Angelou
Angelou!
I told the tale of a woman in charge
It ain't too long and
the words ain't large
It's so much better
than your usual crap
And I got a marketable handicap
She's got a marketable handicap
Pick me, Oprah
Lick me, Oprah
We can sell books from here to Guam
Shill me, Oprah
Dr. Phil me, Oprah
Let's kick butt on Amazon.com
Do me, Oprah, do me, Oprah
Show the world how much you care
Spank me, Oprah,
you'll thank me, Oprah
I wanna be a ga-billionaire
(frenetic music)
I said, Oprah
Selling more and more
I said, Oprah
I'll be your
Book selling whore
I said, Oprah
Better than your usual crap
I said, Oprah
Marketable handicap
I said, Oprah
Show the world you care
I said, Oprah
Make me a ga-billion
Ga-zillion, ga-trillionaire
I said, Oprah
- Go get 'em girl!
I said, Oprah
I said, Oprah
- Everybody gets a car!
I said, Oprah
- You don't get a car!
O-Oprah
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
Whoo
Whoo
Whoo, whoops, whoops, dang
(Sarah chuckling)
- [Toxie] Sarah I'm done in the shower!
- Oh!
(Toxie sighing)
- (chuckles) Wow, are
we going out tonight?
- Well uh, actually I
thought we could just uh,
you know, stay in, and uh, uh, (yawns)...
- Sarah, you know I can't
get physical with you!
- Get physical?
You won't even let me feel your face!
- I'm just not ready!
- But it's been three weeks!
(audience snickering)
And I just finished my thinly disguised
memoir of our relationship!
Don't you find me attractive?
- You know I do!
- Well then what is it?
(mumbling)
- It's my...
- What?
(groaning)
Oh my gosh are you gay?
(audience chuckling)
Of course, you know, if you are,
that is, that is totally fine!
We can just be best friends and,
and watch (mumbles) together (weeps).
- Sarah, there is nothing I want more
than to share my body with you but,
(sneezing)
but, but...
- Blah blah blah look!
I'm gonna make lunch.
- [Mayor] Citizens of Tromaville,
this is your mayor dammit!
We are now under martial law, and you are
hereby ordered to bring all of your
bleach down to city hall!
- Bleach?
- This is a civic emergency!
- Oh god!
- I repeat,
bring down you fucking bleach!
- That was a strange announcement.
(audience chuckling)
- Sarah, I have to
leave right away!
- No, but I made French fries!
- Oh!
No, I have to leave
Tromaville, maybe forever!
- What, Toxie what's wrong?
- Oh I can't say.
- Well then I'm
going with you!
- You can't!
- I can!
- You can't!
- I can!
- It's too dangerous!
- I don't understand!
- You're too beautiful!
- Oh, yeah okay.
(audience chuckling)
- Oh, I have to leave right now!
(siren wailing)
- No, no Toxie wait!
The least you could do is give me a kiss!
Our first and last kiss together!
- I'm sorry!
- What, Toxie...
(rattling)
- [Sal] Door kick, bam!
- Woo, whoa!
- Na-na-na na-na-na!
Sal the cop!
- What?
(grunting)
- Fighting crime and he's
gonna catch the bad guy!
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- For fuck's sake.
All right, I know he's here somewhere!
- I-I'm sorry, who's there?
- Mayor Belgoody, thanks for your vote.
And we're looking for
someone, someone dangerous.
Sal the cop?
- Huh?
- Find the killer!
(Sal snorting)
(audience snickering)
- No, hang on, there's a killer?
- That's right.
So tell me, has the sicko
been to visit you lately?
- No, just my friend, Toxie,
and he is not a killer!
- Oh, how naive are the handicapped.
- Oh you can say that...
- The freak was seen
going into your house!
- Toxie is no freak!
- Oh really, so tell me
have you felt his face?
- Oh...
- Oh.
- He's a little sensitive...
- He's a little
sensitive...
- Kitchen door kick, bam!
- No don't kick the door!
(audience tittering)
- No sign of the killer freak in there!
- All right sister, you're
off the hook, this time!
But rest assured, I will find
and I will destroy the mutant!
- Yeah, okay, okay...
- Oh yeah, Sal the cop?
- Huh?
- Shoot something!
(Sal giggling)
- No please don't, please!
(gun firing)
(audience chuckling)
(audience applauding)
Mutant?
No!
- Mutant, yes.
- Toxie, I thought you left?
- No, I just hid in the
kitchen and pretended to be
a large ugly plant, Sarah
listen we haven't got much time!
(audience chuckling)
- Toxie tell me you're not
some freakish mutant killer!
- Uh, I have killed people.
- Oh...
- But only evil doers,
who are polluting our planet!
And as for the mutant part,
I am, well, different.
Oh but if I weren't I
would ask you to marry me!
- Oh, Toxie, don't you know,
no difference of yours could ever change
the way I feel about you!
- Hey.
Hey!
Sarah, would you like t..
Would you like to feel my face?
- Really?
- Only if you promise, no judgments!
- My darling Toxie, I promise!
(tender music)
No judgements ever.
You make me combust
With chemical lust
Now don't be scared of
My hot toxic
Hot toxic
- Ha...
- Uh, uh, uh, ah, ah...
- What is that right below your cheek?
- That would be me left eyeball!
- Oh, ooh, and this?
- I'm not really sure, just
an oozing sort of something.
- Oh my gosh!
- Sarah, I was thrown
into a vat of toxic goo
by the town bullies!
- Okay.
- It was right before
they tried to attack you!
- Right!
- And I'm not really Toxie!
I'm Melvin Ferd III!
- You are...
Melvin?
- Me, Melvin, yeah.
- Oh.
- Look, I know I should have
told you sooner but...
Oh Sarah, feel my heart!
It's a human heart and it loves you more
than any human heart
has ever loved anyone.
- You know what?
You know what, maybe we should consider
spending some time apart.
- Are you breaking up with me?
- Well I'm just saying
we should, you know,
take things slow and--
(Toxie roaring)
Oh, no I'm sorry Toxie!
Or Melvin, or whoever you are!
I can't!
I just can't.
(dramatic music)
Didn't you make a promise
To love me as I am
And didn't you make a promise
You wouldn't give a damn
- Yo, you dirty monster!
What?
(Toxie roaring)
Gotta go!
I also made a promise
To never hurt a fly
But since you broke your promise
It's time that I broke mine
(bird chirping)
(sweet music)
(dramatic music)
(grunting)
(sniffing)
- Oh, hello there dear!
You must be that nice monster
I've heard so much talk about!
My name is Edna Ferbert.
Hey, I was wondering, would you mind
helping me sort my recyclables?
The recycling plant is just
(sniffing)
so far away you see, I find these silos
of toxic goo, much more convenient!
(giggling)
Whoo!
Well what have we got...
(dramatic music)
(screaming)
(audience snickering)
- Oh Janet, what shall we do
for our one month anniversary?
- Oh Brad, why don't we go see a musical?
A musical based on a movie that
most people watched when they were stoned.
(giggling)
(audience chuckling)
Brad?
- Janet!
- Brad!
- Janet!
- Dammit!
- Janet!
- Dammit!
- Janet...
- No no no no no no no no no no no no!
(grunting)
- Oh what have I done?
Leave!
I said leave!
- Oh my god!
(dramatic music)
(poignant music)
You tore my heart out
My human heart out
You ripped it from the bone
You left a hole there
A burning hole there
An ache I've never known
I've torn some arms off
(audience chuckling)
I've torn some heads off
I've behaved quite violently
But that despair now
Cannot compare now
To what you've done to me
You, you
Tore my heart out
I thought you could see
The simple person in me
I thought you saw my truth within
It's me against the world
And it looks like the
world is gonna win
And so I end here
As I began here
A soul who's hard to love
It's kind of funny
But for a moment
I was the man who you dreamed of
Now that dream has died
So how can I stay
I guess I'll have to save the world
Some other way
I wish you well now
I understand now
You did what you had to
You tore my heart out
My human heart out
And that's the worst
thing you could do
And that's the worst thing
You could do
(audience applauding)
(audience cheering)
(tender music)
(weeping)
(audience tittering)
He tore her heart out
- Yeah he did.
- That son of a bitch!
Tore her heart out
And now she wants to die
No more...
- Mmm hmm mm...
- I knew he wasn't French!
I knew it, you know just
the way you described him,
all big and burly (whinnies)!
- Eh, uh-uh.
- What?
Don't you go looking at me with those
Judge Judy eyes, Dianne, uh-hmm...
Go back to your lesbionic folk singing,
because I know, what I know!
(audience chuckling)
And I don't care if he got super-strength,
when I see him, he gonna get a whuppin!
Telling you he's a freak!
Mmm child, we all got issues!
You know, I dated this Puerto
Rican from Dominica once,
six toes on each foot!
We all got issues!
(audience snickering)
Oh you want another
frap-a-mocha-pumpkin-chino?
Oh you're good.
(Sarah weeping)
- Oh, um, excuse me!
Um, I'm Eunice Ferd,
mother of Melvin Ferd?
Who I wanted to be a lawyer,
but now he's a mutant freak?
You're the blind librarian my
son's in love with aren't you?
- Uh, how did you find me?
- I got a call from your
friend, Shinandadoa.
- Shiniqua!
(audience snickering)
- Sweetheart, you have got
to stop crying and man-up!
My son, he's on a rampage!
He killed a senior citizen!
- Who?
- What?
- Senior citizen?
Was she almost dead anyway, hmm?
(audience chuckling)
- No!
- Poor child!
- Then it's all
because of me!
- And that's what I feared, and you're the
only one who can stop him!
- No, no I can't, I
felt his face, and then
he told me that I--
- Honey, his father's face
wasn't much different and
he wasn't even a mutant!
- Hmm, I hear that!
- Been there, been there!
(audience chuckling)
- But how can I love a man like Melvin?
- Oh my dear!
If blind people don't love
ugly people, then who will?
(audience snickering)
(perky music)
- What?
- Oh, here!
It's a burden every woman shares
As she travels down life's road
She dreams of meeting
a handsome prince
But all she meets are toads
They're all toads
It's been true since the dawn of time
From the Romans to the Greeks
Honey, face it, all men are freaks
(audience chuckling)
Come on!
Sister, face it, all men are freaks
I've had my share of men before
Yeah I've been in many beds
Yours
Hoo-hoo
I've felt their lumpy bodies girl
And I've rubbed all their bald heads
Me too
They have things hanging
Off of them
They have hair on all their cheeks
Honey, grow up, all men are freaks
- Let's go find some.
Find kindness in your female heart
No need to act superior
Men need a lot of therapy
Because they were born inferior
Inferior
So spread a little charity
For every Tom and Dick and Kenny
Somehow overlook the faults
Of which they all have many
It's a burden every woman shares
Be she mother, wife, or friend
Mother, wife or friend
The man she loves is no big prize
But still she must pretend
She must feed his ego every day
And hear the babble he speaks
- Jibber-jabbar!
Sisters, let's face it
All men are freaks
(mumbles) aching ass
Oh, gotta love your freak
I love my freaky freak
Oh, go find your freak
I would if I could only see
Ooo, ooo we'll go find your freak
Go find my find my freak
Oh, gonna save my
Oh, gotta save my
Oh, my beautiful
Freak
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
- Okay...
(tense music)
- [Narrator] And so, as the terrified
- Fuck!
- public hides from the
- Oh, oh yeah!
- rampaging monster, and
as the actors make a
difficult costume change,
we focus on our mayor,
who stands on her perch,
and gazes over all of you,
her simple-minded pathetic minions!
And then she lets out a laugh.
(laughing)
But it is a silent laugh
(audience chuckling)
that no one else can hear.
And then, calling upon the two people
she loves most in the world,
Theresa May and Donald
Trump, she reckons for blood!
- All right, listen to me
all of you Tromovillians,
Tromofilites, Tromaviolins, oh fuck it.
People who live in Tromaville!
(shouting)
- And we're
- We're a mob!
- generic mob voices!
(grunting)
(audience chuckling)
- Our worst nightmare has come true!
- Oh my god, we're
getting another Starbucks!
(groaning)
- No!
The monster is on a rampage,
he killed a senior citizen!
- Not a senior citizen!
- Was she almost dead anyway?
- You, no, so, citizens of Tromaville,
(patriotic music)
we must form a lynch mob!
- Lynch mob!
- Yay!
- A frenzied, blood thirsty lynch mob
that doesn't care about
stupid things like laws!
- [Mob] No stupid laws, yay!
- A lynch mob hopped up
on moral righteousness,
and malt liquor!
- Moral righteousness!
- Malt liquor!
- [Mob] Yay!
Hunt him down like a squirrel
Be a man not a girl
There'll be blood, there'll be pain
This is war
(grunting)
We haven't seen such
A magilla since Mothra met Godzilla
He's as green and crazy as a (mumbles)
Wake the town, go door to door
Get your neighbors out of bed
(mumbling)
They'll be pissed
But persist, don't stop
till the monster's dead
(mumbling)
Till the monster is dead
We have the girlfriend set
Won't stop till the monster's dead
(grunting)
We'll thrust him down on
the ground and we'll pound
And we'll pound, yes
we'll go all the way
Sounded gay
But I'm not
What the heck, we're
as nutty as Glen Beck
And members of the NRA
- Go USA!
Text you wife, you'll be home late
Oh I can't forget the bread
No, you're a man who's got a date
To kill that monster dead
Dead
(poignant music)
(audience chuckling)
Finally it's him or me
Glory calls my name
(gun firing)
Could this be my destiny
To be God's favorite dame
It's a game for all the ages
Hear the angels softly weep
I got a mob to do the job
And in Jersey life is cheap
Get your pitchfork and hoes
No, hoes like these, not like those
(audience chuckling)
- Oh I'm so sorry honey!
I'm sorry!
Don't stop
Till he's dead
There she was, old and weak
And I killed her cold
I am but a mutant freak
who cannot be controlled
Toxie run, they're on your trail
Please be fleet of foot
Tromaville is burning,
it's about to go kapoot
Don't stop till he's dead
Till the monster's dead
To (mumbles)
Till he's dead
Tore my heart out
Till he's dead
My human heart out
Till he's dead
(mumbling)
Won't stop till the monster's
Kill the monster
Till the monster's dead
(energetic music)
- Toxie, Toxie!
(Toxie roaring)
- Kill the beast, kill the beast!
(cackling)
(cow mooing)
(audience tittering)
- Toxie, Tox--
(audience snickering)
Ah, son of a bitch!
All right, okay, ah shit, right, ah, oh...
- [Toxie] Hey you all right?
- Yeah.
- Here let me get your stick.
- No fine, no no no no no
don't touch my stuff please!
(chuckling)
I'm sorry, sorry, I'm a
self-sufficient person and I,
and I can uh, I can find my own shit,
I can find my own shit.
- Okay.
(audience chuckling)
- [Sarah] It's okay,
feel the floor (mumbles).
- Look you're not really close right now.
- Is she okay?
- It's okay, she's all right,
she's fine, just fell over dropped
her stick again.
- Sorry, sorry, I know,
- I'll be one second,
- Is she all right?
- Yeah yeah she's fine.
- we were, were on
(mumbling)
(audience laughing)
- But more like, yeah, no
stop stop stop stop stop,
you're closer now, no, now
like back up a little bit.
- (mumbles), bend back a little bit?
- Shoot.
She's beauty and she's grace
(audience chuckling)
(audience applauding)
- This is, this is my job (chuckles).
I have to do this eight times a week.
(audience chuckling)
Come to the west end they said,
you'll have fucking fun they said.
You'll get to roll around on the floor,
this was not in the contract.
- It's next to your right...
(audience chuckling)
- Oh my god, thank god
they're not filming.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(mumbling)
(whistling)
Did someone just whistle my vagina?
(audience laughing)
- I think it did it itself.
(Sarah laughing)
(audience applauding)
(whistling)
Okay come on let's
get this going, come on team!
Let's go!
(shouting)
Left hand (gibbers)!
Yes, yes!
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
(energetic music)
When I (mumbles) I'm
gonna get (mumbles)
Melvin, trouble from the
day he was born, Melvin
(dramatic music)
- Sarah!
(cheerful folk music)
(audience cheering)
And so the chase is on
But will they catch the freak
Looks like the big green
guy could be up shit's creek
Will she catch him
No she won't catch him
Will she catch him
No she won't catch him
- Toxie!
Toxie!
By god she caught him
But she didn't catch him
Yes she did
No she didn't
Yes she did
No she didn't
You just missed him, come and get him
He's there now you can do it
If you want him, just believe in
Just believe it in your soul
You're the master of your own destiny
Tomorrow you can get it
We can reach the
- Just,
(mumbling)
finish it!
You can
(audience snickering)
- Bitch.
(audience chuckling)
She caught it.
(audience cheering)
She caught the Toxic Avenger.
(dramatic music)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
- All right, say goodbye Sasquatch!
I got bleach!
- Go ahead, destroy me,
my reason to live is gone!
(Mayor whining)
But before I die,
this citizen of Tromaville
must know who owns
the Good Earth Corporation.
- That's enough out of you!
- All right, drop the bleach, bitch!
- Sarah!
- Stay out of this
you gullible handicapped person,
the creature must be destroyed!
- She's right, I killed
an innocent old lady!
- No, no there must be some mistake!
- There's no mistake, I deserve to die!
(Sarah mumbling)
(audience snickering)
- Oh my god my pants!
- I agree!
- Well, you'll have to
go through me first!
- Uh, that's not me sweetie!
- But feels real nice.
- Oh!
- This is for Edna Ferbert!
- Wait!
Edna Ferbert?
You killed Edna Ferbert?
- Whoo!
- Guilty.
- Well that is wonderful.
(gibbering)
- What?
- What the hell
are you talking about?
- I used to live next door to her
and she was not innocent at all!
- Well of course she was,
she was a little old lady,
and little old ladies
are innocent and adorable.
- Yes.
- Aww...
- Oh yeah?
Well, she was going deaf right?
And you know how hard
of hearing people talk
extra loud when they're on the phone?
- Oh!
- Oh that's so annoying!
- Drives me crazy!
- I hate that!
- I know, I know, so I
used to hear her talk.
She ran Tromaville Escort Service,
a child prostitution ring
that enslaved children
of all races, creeds, and
religious backgrounds!
- What?
- And that's not all!
'Cause she also downloaded songs
illegally off the internet,
thereby depriving artists of
their rightful royalties!
(dramatic music)
- For the love of god!
(audience applauding)
(slow sympathetic music)
- Oh Sarah!
You make me the
- Stop singing!
The mutant must be exterminated!
- Oh he might be a mutant but
he's my mutant, motherfucker!
(gun firing)
Wha, did, di-did I get her?
(audience snickering)
- No, but ow!
- A little to the left sweetie!
(gun firing)
(groaning)
- Oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
(ballet music)
Oh...
(grunting)
(audience snickering)
(whimpering)
(grunting)
Fuck, fuck...
(audience chuckling)
(whimpering)
(screaming)
(gun firing)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
- Yeah, yeah now...
Now I got her that time didn't I?
- Yeah, she got me (grunting).
(tragic music)
- What?
Toxie?
No, Toxie!
- Sarah!
(audience chuckling)
- Toxie, you're not
hideous, you are beautiful.
Well I mean you could
use a little moisturizer,
but you're beautiful (sobbing)!
- Oh Sarah!
- Uh-huh?
- I think your love is
enough to keep me alive.
- Really?
- No...
- Oh...
(audience chuckling)
- I see a bright white light!
- Oh sorry!
(audience chuckling)
- Oh but I still see it!
Oh...
- Toxie?
(sorrowful music)
Look deep inside
I have nothing to hide
Our love's meant to be for
Eternity
- [Toxie] Oh Sarah?
- Uh-huh?
- Could you grant
me one last wish?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Something I've never done.
- Oh yeah, you want me to put out?
I can do that.
(audience chuckling)
- Oh, no, no, no, no...
- No?
- Just kiss me.
(mysterious music)
(audience cheering)
(whistling)
- Dammit, did I miss anything?
- You're too late Professor Kennith!
Toxie's dead!
(audience chuckling)
- But Professor, there must be
something you could do!
- I'm sorry, no,
there's nothing, nothing at all,
nothing in this world that could save this
poor, wretched creature.
- No!
No, no, you can't...
Oh my god (sobs).
- Okay, okay.
(sobbing)
Come on.
- No please!
- I'm so sorry.
- I can't!
- I'm so sorry!
(sobbing)
(sorrowful music)
(audience snickering)
- [Professor] Except!
- Oh fucking shit!
(audience chuckling)
(audience applauding)
Except?
- Well, it's a one in 1000 shot,
but he'd have to drink the dirtiest,
most vile, most disgusting
liquid imaginable!
- But where would we
find something that foul?
- I got it!
A glass of water from
the Thames, in London!
- [Sarah] Oh!
- Oh.
- Thank you!
(audience chuckling)
(humming)
No, no!
(humming)
(audience snickering)
No, please!
(humming)
(audience chuckling)
He's gone.
- My baby, oh!
- Oh my, my big French boyfriend!
(sorrowful music)
(sobbing)
I, I'm sorry, (mumbles).
(sobbing)
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
- [Toxie] Sarah!
- Toxie!
(audience chuckling)
- Sarah, whatever you just gave me
really tasted like shit!
- Oh, oh Toxie will you marry me?
Promise
I promise
I promise
Sarah
(Toxie roaring)
- That was a yes everybody!
(cheerful energetic music)
- Oh, my darling Melvin!
I almost lost you!
Oh and I promise to never
criticize or nag you,
ever, ever again, as long as
you give me grandchildren!
(squealing)
(chuckling)
- Hey, listen to me, everybody!
Well, all four of you.
(audience chuckling)
When I was dead, I heard a voice,
a voice that said unto me,
"Melvin Ferd III, you
have been chosen to go to
"every politician and corporate
executive on this Earth
"and see the good inside of them.
"And with compassion, and with hope,
"and with love, you must convince them
"to stop polluting our planet!"
- Yes!
- "And fouling our air!"
- That's right!
- "And to end global warming!"
(cheering)
- Wait but, what if they don't listen?
- "Then Melvin," the voice said unto me.
"You must rip their frickin' heads off!"
(cheering)
(audience applauding)
(mumbling)
- One more mum!
Come on
Double (mumbles) up her hair
The experts think we'll all be dead
But they don't know
we're here to fight
Corporations are full of the beans
A hurricane wiped out New Orleans
And there's just one guy
who can make things right
He used to be weak and shy
But now he takes command
Oh god how I love my macho monster man
It's a brand new day in New Jersey
And there's new air in the sky
We can breath now in New Jersey
So you won't catch cancer and die
No you won't catch cancer and die
(patriotic music)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
what a year it's been!
The voters of the greatest
state in the world have spoken,
so please welcome your new First Lady,
and the author of the
Oprah Book of the Month,
All Men are Freaks, and
your new governor, my baby,
representing the Green Party, governor,
and Mrs. Toxie Ferd III!
(audience cheering)
(energetic music)
The first bill that I plan to pass
Pollute the Earth,
and I'll kick your ass
And that seems like a
damn good place to start
Oh yeah, whooo
The second thing and this I mean
Love your brother,
be he brown or green
Or I will rip your face apart
Right apart
Together we will turn this
state into a promised land
And you and I will
walk hand in slimy hand
It's a brand new day in New Jersey
We got everything we want
No more garbage in New Jersey
Cause we dumped it in Vermont
Yeah, we dumped it in Vermont
- Fuck you Vermont!
(chattering)
(audience applauding)
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
(giggling)
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day in New Jersey
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day in New Jersey
It's a brand new day
(clapping)
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day in New Jersey
It's a brand new day
A revolution
It's a brand new day
Evolution
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day in New Jersey
It's a brand new day
A revolution
It's a brand new day
Evolution
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day in New Jersey
(audience applauding)
New Jersey!
(dramatic music)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
(energetic music)
(audience applauding)
It's a brand new day
(clapping)
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day in New Jersey
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day
It's a brand new day in New Jersey
Jersey!
(dramatic music)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
(folksy guitar music)
Let me tell you a story about
A man with a strange complexion
He killed a lot of folks and
he made a love connection
By day, he had a girl who
baked him homemade breads
By night, he roamed the streets
And ripped off people's heads
This is the legend
He's the legend
The legend of the Toxic Avenger
At first, the folks were sure
he'd kill them all one day
But then their crime went
down and the freak seemed okay
He proved more popular than
Prince William and Kate
He put the garden back
in the Garden State
This is the legend
He's the legend
The legend of the Toxic Avenger
Oh he's the legend
He's the legend
Oh he's the legend
Hot dang the legend
So tell your children about the legend
You tell your children's children
You tell your children's
children chldren
Have your children tell their friends
And their friends tell other friends
Make some calls, write some letters
Go on Facebook, tweet on Twitter
Go on LinkedIn, don't do
MySpace, no one goes there
Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na, na-na, oh oh
Clap with me, clap with
me, clap with me, take it
Clap with me, clap with me
(screechy harmonica music)
(energetic folk music)
- [Mayor] Just fucking finish it!