1
In the beginning, there was some
dark stuff and some light stuff.
So God, or whatever, scrapped up
a bunch of the dark stuff
and shaped a great
dildo from it.
Wait. I'm getting
ahead of myself.
So, the space nuns were
running through the forest.
It is The Unquenchable
Thirst for Beau Nerjoose!
Hello, nuns.
I know you're in there.
Give me your dear Hope
or I will be forced
to destroy you.
Destroy us?
You couldn't destroy your dick
with both hands and a map, bud!
What?
Why would I destroy my dick?
I don't need two hands...
Oh!
Yeah!
Fine!
Have it your way.
Go get the one we
came for, boys.
What's your damage
you fucking psycho?
Hope has done nothing to you.
She's more than just a puzzle
piece in your sick quest!
Do not worry.
Hope will be safe with me.
I swear to you. I will
rip your goddamn dick
off, and I will eat it
I don't even want to do
that, but I will do it!
I will eat your dick!
I will eat your dick.
I will eat your dick.
I will eat your dick.
I will eat your dick!
Oh, ha, ha, ha, oh
Charming as ever,
Sister Dicktwister.
However, your words
mean nothing to me so
fuck off and die.
Well... just die...
mostly.
Light 'em up.
Ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
(Dickwipe)
Wieners, Butthole,
Buttholes, Wieners,
Boobies, Pussy...
Shut the fuck up, Ron!
God, I'm trying to concentrate.
Gaa! You just sit there,
night after night,
doing nothing, k?
absolutely nothing.
Nothing? Gee-dangit, Tracey.
I spend time with you.
That's what lovers do.
They hang out.
No
And do stuff together,
in love and stuff.
That's what losers do. I know
'cause I'm looking at one.
But Tracey, you know I love you.
You mean everything to me.
Do I?
Yeah, you totally do.
Ah, man.
Ah, I gotta shit.
Well fuck you,
Ron! Real romantic!
Tracey. Generic toilet paper?
My butthole is
way too sensitive.
Maybe if you weren't a
giant fucking loser, I'd be
able to buy you something
other than generic toilet
paper I'm sorry you
don't have a fucking job!
Fuck!
I'm sorry. I've been
busy dealing with the
20-year anniversary of
my mother going crazy
and getting sent to the looney
bin. I haven't had enough time.
It's been 20 years already.
Get the fuck over it, Ron!
Maybe you're right.
But that doesn't change
the fact that I can't wipe
with generic toilet paper.
My butthole is
way too sensitive.
That is it!
God, you're always my butthole
this and my butthole that.
Well, did you ever stop and
think about my butthole's wants?
OK, My butthole has needs too.
Like a weekly rim
job, you fucking tool!
Fuck you! This marriage is over!
But Tracey!
Got sensitive butt, believe me.
and maybe she was
right to leave me home.
with nothing but my butt.
She left me sad and lonely,
and now it's me and only my
incredibly sensitive butt.
Someday I'll make
the perfect poo,
and wish it was inside of you,
but now it's me and
just my own poop alone.
Till then I'll wish upon a star
and wonder where
the fuck you are
but will not care
because you are
such a bitch.
Somewhere outside my butthole
I can make it my way.
Somewhere outside my butthole
a light as bright as the day
Someday I'll make
the perfect poo.
Hey, Man.
Life ain't all about
ass and titties.
Um, yeah I know that.
It's just...
sometimes...
life just hurts.
I hear ya, brother.
The secret to life is to smoke
pot every day. Twenty-four
seven, three sixty-five.
It'll get you in to places.
Say, uh, can you help out an
aspiring street musci-magician?
I gotta take a mean poop.
Um, yeah, I have
this toilet paper.
Man, I can't use this.
I got a sensitive butthole.
Me too.
Hey man, I gotta
take a poop real bad.
Yeah man. Me too.
Me too.
Hello, Ron.
Oh, hey Zach.
How's it going?
Not so good. I'm still
pretty bummed about my mom,
and Tracey just left me.
What? That bitch.
Don't let it get you
down. It'll work out.
Just wait like 90 minutes.
Are you here to get
some hand lotion?
Nah, I just use spit.
I just... I don't know
what I'm doing Zach.
I gotta get my shit together.
Hey, are you guys hiring?
Yes, actually. However,
there is one problem.
All new employees
must pass a drug test.
Why would that be a problem?
Well, for one thing you're
smoking a joint right now.
Good point.
And if I'm not mistaken,
aren't you scraping the
mucus off an Amazonian toad
for ingestion purposes, no?
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Ron, don't give up so easily.
I know a guy. A guy
who can get you things.
Things like 100% pure
unfiltered baby urine.
Why would you filter it?
Have you ever smelled
a baby's dick, Ron?
It's not pleasant.
And this stuff is so
clean, you can drink it.
I gotta go.
I gotta take a shit.
You go, Ron.
Fly, fly!
Oh, Ah, Oh!
Ah, it's crowning!
I can feel the
shark fin forming!
AAAAAHHHH!
Oh boy!
How'm I gonna wipe my butt?
Ew!! Ah!!
But, don't you need it?
We can share.
No, it's ok.
You can keep it.
Thanks, man!
Bring, ring!
Ring, ring!
Sorry, I got a phone call.
Yes, he's here.
Who may I say is calling?
It's for you.
It's the universe.
Don't get your boogers on it!
Don't get your boogers on it!
What?
Say, you wanna come back to
my house, and maybe butt-chug
some toilet wine with me?
It's like my pappy used to say,
"If you don't like the
taste, put it in your butt."
Uhhm. No thanks.
Maybe next time?
My name is Beau Nerjoose,
and I'm evil as fuck!
My name is Beau Nerjoose,
and I'm evil as fuck!
I am Beau Nerjoose.
I am Beau Nerjoose.
He is Beau Nerjoose.
He is Beau Nerjoose.
I am Beau Nerjoose.
I am Beau Nerjoose.
He is Beau Nerjoose.
He is Beau Nerjoose.
I am Beau Nerjoose.
I am Beau Nerjoose.
Beau!
Nerjoose!
My name is
Beau!
Nerjoose!
Pants!
Ronny, is that you?
Hey mom. How's it going?
I love you
I love you too, Ronny.
The laser avocado left a rotten
you still wanna make
a jelly-bean pyramid.
Also, there's gonna
be a pirate-riot in my
ringer-jam boobie land.
Oh, that's good mom. Or bad.
Or interesting or whatever.
I'm sorry I'm so goddamn crazy.
I blame Beau Nerjoose.
Look, mom. I know you were
a prostitute, and that's ok.
Lots of moms are prostitutes,
but when you use words like
bonerjuice, it just puts
these weird images in my head.
Sorry, but Beau Nerjoose, he
messed with my titties and
made me shit out my sanity!
That's just gross.
Ooo, Ronny. Your pants...
Are you crazy too?
No, I just found these.
Where are your pants?
Well, I farted and a
little poop came out.
You did?
Ooo, describe it to me, Ronny.
You and your useless
nose. I love it.
I'll always love the smell
of your farts, Ronny.
At least the way you
describe them to me.
And that was, "No, Fuck
You Dad," by Everclear.
Hey Ronny, What do
you want to do today?
I don't know. Hey
Mom, Guess what.
Ha, ha! Hilarious!
Describe the smell to me, Ronny.
It smells like someone
pooped puke out of an armpit.
Ha, Ha, Ha, damn Ronny.
That's a good one.
I love you so much!
Love you too, mom.
Coming up next, another shitty,
fucking song by Sublime.
Yeah, those were
some good times.
Mom.
Mom?
Mom?
Mom, why'd you fall
asleep for no reason?
Hey doctor, it's Ron.
Uh, my mom's gone to
sleep for no reason.
I think there's
something wrong with her.
Boner-time.
Ron.
Your mother's gone into a coma,
Oh God.
and she has genital herpes.
Oh God.
How do you know she
has genital herpes?
Because I have genital herpes.
Did you have sex with my mom?
Oh yeah, I've been having sex
with her for quite sometime.
She's crazy, you know.
Crazy 'bout this dick!
Anyway, there's something
important we need to discuss.
Not only am I your
mother's doctor,
but I'm also her lawyer.
And as such, I must tell
you that according to
your mother's last wishes,
if she's in a coma longer than
a week, she is to be euthanized.
What should I do?
Definitely don't
have sex with her.
She's got a bad case
of genital herpes,
and also, she's your mom.
Right. Right. You're
totally right.
Here Ron.
Let me give you an invitation
to her euthanasia slash funeral
ceremony slash karaoke party.
Let's see here. A week from
today would be next Monday.
I really hope you can make it.
I'm sure Agnes would
love to have you.
And take care Ron. Call me
if you have any questions.
Ah, thanks. This is
all just so awful.
Ron, genital herpes isn't that
big of a deal. One can live a
happy and healthy sexual life.
I'm talking about my
mom dying in a week.
Oh that. Yeah. Well.
C'est la vie, Ron.
C'est la vie.
No, it's not.
Life ain't about dicks
and wieners no matter
what you thought.
So fuckin' sad, mom's in a
coma and she's got herpes too.
So fuckin sad, my
wife is a whore...
Shit.
Poop.
Definetly poop.
Where there's poop,
there's mushrooms.
I really don't want to eat this.
If you don't like the
taste, put it in your butt.
OK, here we go.
Oi, I'm flying' here.
Excuse me, helicockter.
Oh, you're a right
cunt, ain't ya.
I'm tripping on mushrooms.
To mend my broken
heart before it splits
in two and spills blood
all over the floor.
I'm tripping on you.
I'm tripping on everything.
There's a bear jerking
off over there.
And he's looking at me.
He's looking at me.
He's looking at me.
He's looking at me.
I'm tripping on mushrooms.
To mend my broken
heart before it splits
in two and pours blood
all over the floor.
Weird.
Hey Ron.
Hello?
C'mon stupid. I'm
in your butthole.
Yeah right. My butthole.
No. Seriously, let's talk.
Alright.
I don't see anything.
Move your dick and balls out
of the way, you fucking idiot.
Oh hey little buddy.
How'd you get in there?
I was in the mushroom
you shoved up your ass!
Oh, sorry. Oopsie doopsie.
It's ok. I'm a bootyworm.
I like being in buttholes.
So what's up?
You're in danger, Ron.
How do you know my name?
Because you're the chosen one.
This has been a weird day.
My wife, Tracey left me.
I crapped my pants.
My mom's crazy.
Your mom, Ron! She's
very important!
What are you talking
about, little guy?
There's no time for this,
Ron. Listen closely.
There's an evil man intent
on controlling the universe.
I've come here from the planet
Urectum to get your help.
We've come in search of
the great fleshlight.
I've been upside
down for a long time.
Ron, stay with me! We
don't have much time!
You have to save your
mother! Your mother's anus!
Gross.
Ron! Ron!
That's cool, man.
Shrooming!
Shrooms sure make me horny.
I'm walking all alone.
And these shrooms
gave me a bone.
And Tracey now I know.
You'll never touch my bone.
It's raining
teardrops on my boner.
I'm crying teardrops
on my boner.
It's raining
teardrops on my boner.
I'm crying teardrops
on my boner.
Bone, bone, bone,
bone, bone, bone, bone!
Bone, bone, bone,
bone, bone, bone, bone!
Talkin' 'bout teardrops!
On my boner!
Talkin' 'bout teardrops!
On my boner!
Oooo hooo wooo!
Oooo hooo wooo!
Oooo...
Sometimes the world,
it'll get you down.
It will break you up,
it will chew you out.
When you've been
pushed and beaten down.
You feel like crawling
into the ground.
Let evil be, let evil be.
Oh sad and powerless me.
Is it him?
I don't know, dickhead.
Wake up, my son.
Wake up!
What the fuck happened?
Well, we found you here in the
middle of the woods, young boy.
Looks like you hit
your head pretty hard,
but this should here
your cerebral pains.
This taste like hot shit.
That's because it is hot shit.
We have no coffee out
here. We're in the
middle of the woods.
C'mon.
Right, right.
Hello.
I am Sister Buttfister.
This is Sister Fuckface
and Sister Dicktwister.
What's your name, boy?
Ron. Ron. I'm Ron.
Oh.
God, I had the
weirdest day yesterday.
Really?
Yeah, my wife, Tracey left me.
She said I'm not
good enough for her,
and then blah, blah, blah.
Do you think he's the one?
I doubt it. The prophecy said
nothing of the chosen one
being covered in bear semen.
Bear semen? Why do you
think it's bear semen?
Let's just say I
wasn't always a nun.
And then I hit my head
on that tree, and it
knocked my out right here.
Oh my. Now that
is quite the tale.
Now tell me Ron. At any
point in your journey,
did you come across
a nun just like us?
Younger? Slightly sexier?
Her name was Sister Hope.
Not unless Sister Hope is
fully erect claymation bear.
No, I see no reason why
she'd have an erection.
Hope has been captured
by the evil Dr. Nerjoose.
There's worm in my
butthole that was talking
about an evil doctor.
Ron, we're nuns of an
ancient religion that
speaks of a prophecy.
This prophecy speaks of
a man and woman that will
end all suffering on Earth.
We believe Hope may be this
woman. And you may be this man.
Yeah right. Sure.
Ron, the prophecy speaks
of a booty worm much
like your own booty worm.
Let me guess. Does Hope
have one of these talking
worms in her asshole?
No!
Hope's butthole is as
pure as the driven snow!
I'm sorries.
Sister Hope is very dear to us.
We've cherished her since the
day she came to our convent
nineteen years ago!
Me and the girls were outside
sunbathing the titties,
and Hope just appeared
on our door step.
I remember it like
it was yesterday,
yesterday, yesterday, yesterday,
yesterday, yesterday, yesterday,
yesterday...
Holy shit!
Someone left a baby on
the steps of our convent.
Oh Fuck that.
Oh she's adorable. That's it!
We're keeping her, and
we'll name her Hope.
Oh look! She has a bottle.
What the fuck is in there?
I don't know, but it fucking
stinks like fucking maggots.
What is this?
It sure looks shitty.
We got some mother fucking
maggots on our titties!
I don't like it.
This is the pits.
We got some mother fucking
maggots on our tits!
Fuck! We got tittie maggots!
Fuck! Talkin' tittie maggots!
Fuck! We got tittie maggots!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuckin' tittie maggots!
This fuckin' blows.
This fuckin' sucks.
I got some mother fucking
maggots on my jugs!
This is fucked.
It's totally whack!
I've got some mother
fucking maggots on my rack!
Fuck! We got tittie maggots!
Fuck! Talkin' tittie maggots!
Fuck! We got tittie maggots!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuckin' tittie maggots!
Fuck! We got tittie maggots
Fuck! Talkin' tittie maggots
Fuck! We got tittie maggots.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuckin' tittie maggots!
And we've had these
fucking maggots on our
titties ever since!
Oh No!
I'm at the weigh
station of refusal.
Holy shit.
He is the one.
Totally.
For sure.
Hello, my dear.
What shall it be?
Fortune or pleasure?
Well, everything's been
so screwed up lately.
I have no idea where
I'm going in life.
I feel so directionless.
I could really use a hand
job.
Sure, honey. That'll be 25.
Save some for next time, Ron!
Ok.
Let's see what the universe
has in store for you.
Oh my. I see such sorrow.
Did you lose someone?
Well, my wife just left me.
That's not it.
I see something else...
something deeper.
Well...
my mom did just
slip into a coma,
but she's been looney-toons
crazy for 20 years.
20 years? Oh my God, that's it!
Are you little Ronny Wartyhymen?
How did you know?
Well, Agnes Wartyhymen
was the best whore we had.
Oh, we gobbled a lot
of hogs together.
Oh, we had some crazy times.
She was the only whore in
town to do the chili dog.
Do you know what that is?
No.
Oh, it's goddamn
disgusting. I puked the
first time I saw her do it.
But the men, they would line
up around the block to see it.
Just stop. That's
disgusting. That's gross.
I don't wanna hear it.
Sorry kid. I was
just being nostalgic.
You see, I haven't
seen Agnes in 20 years,
ever since she went crazy
and was sent to the looney bin.
What happened that day?
The day she went crazy and
got sent to the looney bin?
Well, it started out
like any other day.
She had a visit from
one of her regulars.
A doctor.
He was a real pig,
and your mother was
worried that he might be
falling in love with her,
because he just couldn't stop
putting his penis inside her.
I could hear them all
the way across the whore
house, so I went to make
sure everything was ok.
All I could I see was his butt.
His sweaty, hairy butt.
And then this white
light began to glow.
He ran out of the whore house
like his balls were on fire.
I ran into Agnes' room to
find out what happened.
Whatever happened to her
that night changed her.
Now she's just a
goddamn fruitcake.
That bastard!
I had no idea.
I mean...
I still have no idea.
What does that mean?
Well, there's something
I want to show you.
and then maybe
you'll understand.
Soon, this will all make sense.
The booty worms.
The tittle maggots.
It's part of a great prophecy.
A long time ago like
15 galaxies away,
there was the peaceful,
but smelly planet of Urectum
where booty worms and tittie
maggots lived happily together.
We were the first and most
powerful planet in the universe.
That shit was to so cool.
Because of how awesome we were,
the big guy in the
sky or whatever,
came down from the
heavens or whatever,
and entrusted us, the
keys to the universe.
The great dildo and
the great fleshlight
kept the stars burning bright
and breathed life
throughout the galaxies.
But then there
was the great war.
Evil space pirates
crashed on Urectum and
started fucking shit up.
They were raping and
murdering everybody.
To protect the universe,
it was decided that
we would move the great
dildo and the great
flashlight elsewhere.
For if evil were ever
to get ahold of the two,
the universe would descend
into darkness forever.
The great dildo
was moved to Earth
and entrusted to a whore
who in lived in a whore
house with her whore sister
who was also a whore.
And the great fleshlight
was entrusted to
an earthling fellowship
that promised to
protect it until the
end of days was near.
Your mother was the keeper
of the great dildo, Ron.
She kept it in her butthole.
The man who took her sanity took
it by stealing the great dildo.
What was the name of this man?
The man who took the great
dildo from her butthole.
His name was Dr. Nerjoose.
Dr. Beau Nerjoose.
He had an unquenchable
thirst for Beau Nerjoose.
Ron, you must reunite your
mother with the great dildo.
Only then, will
her sanity return.
But first you will need
the great flashlight
To get the great fleshlight,
you must climb Dick Mountain.
It's a day's hike. I
would bring lots of water
and some cliff bars.
I don't even have hiking shoes.
Stop being a fucking
asshole, Ron.
REI is a great
place to get them.
You can return them
when you're done.
But be careful, Ron.
Dr. Beau Nerjoose is
pure unadulterated evil.
Good luck, my son.
I'm gonna shit all
over Beau Nerjoose.
I'm gonna shit on Beau Nerjoose.
Yeah, you know that you
have got nothing to lose.
If I snooze I lose. I've
got to do what's right.
Yeah you know you gotta
get the great fleshlight.
'cause when the clock ticks
down, and I've got no time.
You've gotta put your
balls on the fucking line.
I will do what I need to do.
Find that man and
make him eat poo.
I'm gonna shit on Beau Nerjoose.
Wait.
The great tittle maggot
said that my mom was a whore
who lived in a whore house
with her sister
who was also a whore.
Are you my mom's whore...
sister? Yes.
Your aunt.
Your whore-aunt.
But you gave me a hand-job.
A really good one, too.
That's disgusting.
Why didn't you say something?
Well, I didn't realize who you
were until after the hand-job.
And then I didn't want
to make things weird.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You want another one, Ron?
Family discount?
In fact, it's on the house.
No
question about it.
You sure did save some!
Fuck REI, Ron.
All you need for your trip
to dick mountain is in here.
Thanks, Aunt Esmerelda.
You're welcome.
Now you have a treacherous
journey ahead of you,
and Aunt Esmerelda can't
be around to jack you off,
so here's something
for your wiener.
Thanks, Aunt Esmerelda.
You're so sweet.
No kissing customers.
It's one of my rules.
It's one of my whore-rules.
Oh.
I understand.
Good-bye Ron.
Good-bye, Aunt Esmerelda.
Oh...
we're going up the mountain.
To...
get the great big fleshlight
with...
my friend the booty worm
yeah...
together gonna save the world.
Save the world!
Oh...
we're going up the mountain.
To...
get the great big fleshlight
with...
my friend the booty worm
yeah...
together gonna save the world.
Shhhhh!
Hey, hey!
What? What is it?
I think we made it.
I think we made it to
the top of dick mountain.
How do you know?
Well because I can
see a giant dick.
Yes!
Hey there.
Hello, sir.
My name's Ron.
I'm here to save the universe.
I'm on a quest to save my mom.
She was the keeper
of the great dildo.
until Dr. Beau Nerjoose
took it from her.
Is this Dick Mountain?
Ron!
Shhh!
Ron!
Shhhhh!
Hold on just one second.
What do you want?
This is really embarrassing!
Let me doing the talking.
I can clear this whole
thing up real quick.
No way! I'm not gonna shove my
butthole into that guy's face.
No, no, no, no. I need to
talk to his booty worm.
Fine!
Um, do you wanna
go butt-to-butt?
Hey, this guy's the chosen one.
Really?
He kinda looks like an asshole.
Are you sure?
I'm pretty sure.
His mom was the keeper
of the great dildo.
What does he have to do
to get the fleshlight?
He's got to prove his
worth to the fellowship.
In order to get the
great fleshlight,
he has to break all ten
commandments in 24 hours.
Sounds pretty stupid
and convoluted.
Yes. Yes it is,
but once he breaks them,
the great fleshlight
will appear before him.
One more thing Phil.
The chosen one must do
this without your help.
You need to stay here
on dick mountain in this
bald guy's butthole.
Ok, I'll tell him.
May the dildo fuck
the fleshlight!
Hey Ron!
Yeah buddy?
I got the info.
You need to break
all 10 commandments
What? Are you serious?
And you have to do
this on your own.
Please pick me up and pop me
in the old man's butthole.
I don't know if I
can do this myself.
I've been getting use to
having a worm in my butt.
You can do this.
You're the chosen one.
Ok. I'll do it...
for mom.
Good luck, Ron!
I enjoyed staying
in your butthole!
Ten commandments.
So... Are we good?
Ok.
This way?
Thou shall not work
on the sabbath.
What day is the sabbath?
Sunday?
What's today?
Tuesday.
Shit, I've got
some time to kill.
Thou shalt not work
on the sabbath.
Let's start out slow.
Thou shall not take the name
of the lord thy God in vein.
Jesus fucking Christ goddamn it
Mary Joseph cock-gobbling dicks!
Honor thy father and thy mother.
Boner-time.
Hey Doctor, It's Ron.
Ron.
Hey can you hold up
the phone to my mom?
Yeah, Ron.
Thanks.
Hey mom. It's Ron.
Fuck you!
and you know what?
I don't know who dad was,
but fuck him too.
He was probably a dick.
Holy shit. What a good start!
If you wanna win the fight,
sometimes you gotta do
things you don't like.
There's no easy way out.
You can't have your doubts,
'cause only the strong survive.
You gotta sell your soul
if you wanna get out alive.
You gotta be the best.
You gotta be better...
better than the rest
to win the fight.
You gotta be a little
better than that to win
to win the fight
to win the fight!
Do it for boobies!
Boo- boobies!
Boo- boobies!
Boobies!
Boobies!
Do it for boobies!
Boo- boobies!
Boo- boobies!
Boobies!
Boobies!
Take no prisoners.
You gotta have a burning desire!
You gotta beat them
at their own game.
You gotta be a believer.
Show them what you got.
No pain, no gain, never
back down. No surrender.
You gotta be the best.
You gotta be better...
better than the rest
to win the fight.
You gotta be a little
better than that to win
to win the fight
to win the fight!
Do it for boobies!
Boo- boobies!
Boo- boobies!
Boobies!
Boobies!
You gotta be the best.
You gotta be better...
better than the rest
to win the fight.
You gotta be a little
better than that to win
to win the fight
to win the fight!
Do it for boobies!
Thou shall not kill.
Oh, I can't do that.
and commit adultery?
I can't even get
my wife to fuck me.
They're gonna kill
my mom in two hours.
Everything is so convoluted!
I don't even know what to do.
I don't even know
what to hope to do.
What is the color
of my hope tonight?
What is the color
of my hope tonight?
I just couldn't do it.
I just couldn't kill yet.
What is the color
of my hope tonight?
What is the color
of my hope tonight?
I just couldn't do it.
I just couldn't kill yet.
I just wanted the
great fleshlight!
So I could save the universe!
I just wanted the
great fleshlight!
So I could save the universe!
What is the color
of my hope tonight?
Ron!
Hello?
Ron, I need you.
Please save me.
Who are you?
I'm Hope. I'm lost.
Please find me. Save me.
What? How? Where are you?
Ron, do something. Dr. Beau
Nerjoose has captured me.
Although life ain't all
about ass and titties,
ass and titties are
a big part of it.
Please find my ass and titties
for the universe.
No!
I can do it!
How will I find the
elusive Beau Nerjoose?
I know. The phonebook.
I need a fucking taxi.
Ron's house.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
I'm gonna find you
if it takes all day.
And nothing's gonna
fuckin' stand in my way.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Beau Nerjoose, you made
me drive so far south.
Beau Nerjoose, I can
taste you in my mouth.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Hot on the trail
of Beau Nerjoose.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
No.
I don't kiss my clients.
It's one of my rules.
It's one of my
taxi-driver-rules.
I understand.
Have a good night.
Time to shit or get off the pot.
A pass code.
One, two, three, four, five.
Sixty-nine, sixty-nine.
C'mon Ron, think!
The secret to life is
to smoke pot every day.
Twenty-four seven,
three sixty-five.
It'll get you into places.
Four-twenty,
twenty-four seven,
three sixty-five!
For the last time, Hope
Hope.
Where is the great fleshlight?
For the last time
Dr. Beau Nerjoose,
I don't know.
Beau Nerjoose.
Fine!
If you won't tell me where
the great fleshlight is,
then I will have to destroy you.
No you don't, Beau Nerjoose!
How did you get in here?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
Yeah. I know.
That's why I asked.
I never understood that phrase.
What's with the candy bar?
Who the fuck are you?
I'm your worst nightmare.
You mean, you mean the
one where I'm jacking off
in my car at the drive-in
and I start shitting
all over myself,
and the shit keeps
getting higher and higher,
and I have to eat the shit
to keep my head above it,
but there's just so much
shit that I start choking
on the shit, just
when I'm jizzing!
That's who you are?
No, I'm Ron.
Ron Wartyhymen.
Wartyhymen?
That name rings my balls.
Oh I know.
I used to have sex with
a woman named Wartyhymen
many many many times.
You're fucking
dead, Beau Nerjoose.
Dead? Right.
Gentlemen.
Yes sir. Right away, sir.
How long was I out?
Just a few minutes.
Oh Ron, I'm so glad
you're here. I was hoping
you'd come and save me.
I don't think I'm gonna
be able to save you.
We're pretty much fucked.
No, Ron. Now that you're
here, we're not fucked at all.
For you're the chosen one.
You're gonna deliver the
light into the darkness.
I don't think so.
Didn't you see me just try and
fight that guy with a candy bar?
Yeah. It was cute.
Really? You thought
that was cute?
Yeah.
Sister Fuckface always
said the chosen ones use
the least chosen methods.
Sister Fuckface. I met her
and the other space nuns.
They said that Dr. Beau
Nerjoose kidnapped you.
How long have you been here?
A week. I think, but it
feels like an eternity.
Dr. Beau Nerjoose is looking
for the great fleshlight.
I know.
I too have been looking
for the great fleshlight.
Do you know where it is?
No.
I'm afraid all is lost hope.
I tried to find the great
fleshlight. I really tried.
It's as if it's right
there in front on me.
I just can't reach
out and grab it.
Fuck it. I'm giving up.
Ron. Listen to me. You can't
give up. You can do this.
No I can't. I totally
failed. I'm a failure.
Without failure, we'd never
know what it is to succeed.
The only real failure
is to give up.
Did Jesus give up when he was on
the cross, dying for our sins?
Yeah, kinda.
Oh. Ok, that was a bad example.
Yeah.
Did the kids from Footloose give
up when their parents told them
they couldn't dance anymore?
No.
No, fuck no!
They danced their
goddamn hearts out.
Yeah they did. And
they didn't give up.
And neither should you.
You're right.
But in order to make the
great fleshlight appear,
I have to break a couple
more commandments, and
they're tough ones.
I won't be able to do it alone.
Well, can I help?
I mean, the universe
is at stake, Ron.
Well...
I have to commit adultery.
You're married?
Technically, but now she's
banging some guy with a
belly button ring, so I'm
pretty sure it's over.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
No. It's ok. She sucks.
But I'm a nun. I can't have sex.
I mean, I'm a bride of christ.
That's not just committing
adultery. That's committing...
devine adultery.
Yeah. No, I understand.
That's too bad.
Yeah, I guess it's too bad.
Too bad for the universe.
Well I mean, if it's
for the universe...
I guess I could do
it just this once.
Just this once?
For the universe.
Gotta give it up.
Just this once
to save the universe.
I'm a slutty, space nun.
Yeah, I'm a harlot.
I'm a dick-smoking
skank that feeds on cock
to mother fucking live.
So put it in my frum frum.
then stuff it in my bum bum.
And I will lick
your butt and stuff,
and it's gonna be awesome.
Dirty sanchez.
Un tiempo
para universo.
One time for the
universe. One time.
One time for the universe.
Un tiempo
para universo.
One time for the
universe. One time.
One time for the universe.
Un tiempo
para universo.
One time for the
universe. One time.
One time for the universe.
Un tiempo
para universo.
One time for the
universe. One time.
One time for the universe.
Un tiempo.
What's going on in here?
A little hanky panky?
How monastic of you, Hope!
Here.
Clean yourself up.
Well I trust you
enjoyed yourself, Ron.
I wouldn't know.
I haven't had sex
in over 20 years.
And it's all because of that
whore-witch mother of yours!
You shut the fuck up.
My mother was a whore,
but she's not a witch.
I don't think.
What did you do to her?
What did I do to her?
More like, what
did she do to me?
Just because I got a
little rough with her...
Once...
Once.
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
Groovy.
I'm ready to get some ass on.
Sorry Beau.
I'm outta commish.
I've got a raging
yeast infection.
Fuck that, Agnes.
You know I don't give a
shit about some yeasty puss.
How 'bout I give you a poke,
and then you can chow
down on my pig in a blanket?
Fuck off, Beau!
I'm not working today.
Come back tomorrow.
Oh, Agnes. It's so cute
that you think you have
a say in the matter.
Now give me some.
No Beau! Get your
boner away from me!
And then, we made love.
No you didn't.
You raped her.
Tomato, potato.
Get the fuck out of
my room, you bastard!
Come on, Agnes! It's
not gonna suck itself.
It will from now on.
From now on,
your dick will
constantly suck itself!
You're never gonna rape again!
Oh, I know what
you're thinking, Ron.
Ooo, that's pretty cool!
Having a dick that
can suck itself.
Well, it is...
for a while.
I was standing in your mothers
whore-den for ten hours
before I realized this...
was a curse.
I'm never gonna come again!
It turns out my dick's pretty
terrible at sucking dick.
So I took my revenge
upon your mother.
I stole the great
dildo from her butthole
and along with it,
her sanity.
Oh.
Now I get it.
And my dick has been
sucking itself ever since!
Oh my God. That's disgusting!
It looks like it's
trying to uncirucumsize itself.
Is that hair?
It is awful.
But I thought once I
stole the great dildo,
the curse would be broken,
but alas I needed the
great fleshlight as well.
Once I put my penis inside it,
the curse will be broken!
I know exactly what
needs to be done to get
the great fleshlight,
and I've brought Ron
here to do just that.
You see, I've been
measuring the seismic shifts
for the last 24 hours.
I know that Ron has one let
commandment to break before
the great fleshlight appears...
Murder.
Such a pity.
Oh, this is shitty.
Halt.
Ron,
Are you familiar
with the phrase,
"Shit in one hand,
hope in the other, and
see which one fills up faster?"
I don't think so.
After tonight, you will
never, ever forget it.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Lock him into position!
Now, as you may
have gathered, Ron,
This contraption
acts as a scale.
Lock Hope into position!
As you can see, Ron, this
thingamabob which I have called,
"The scales of Joostice!"
or "Whack-a-ho."
I'm going back and
forth. I can't decide.
It will allow you to murder.
In one hand, you will have hope.
In the other... Shit!
Shit. Shit.
We need more shit. More shit!
Ha, ha, ha!
Oh, and Hope,
if you look up you'll see
a Hunter-Douglas brand
high-speed, oscillating fan
made of solid,
razor-sharp steel.
Ron could save you,
hypothetically,
but instead I think
he will murder you...
to death...
forever!
No!
No. No. wait. Hold on.
How is this Ron's fault?
This isn't murder.
Oh really? Is that what you?
Well, either way,
you'll be dead.
So fuck off and
die, Hope. Forever.
Ron, you can do it.
It's ok if you kill me,
but I have to tell
you something first.
What is it?
I have HPV.
Everybody has HPV. Seriously.
Everybody. But I don't care.
I've loved you since
yesterday when I saw your
tits for the first time.
If you're struggling now,
just wait till the
shit hits the fan.
There's something else
I have to tell you.
What is it?
Well, it's really not a big
deal, but when I was a kid,
I found this litter of puppies
and they were really cute.
They had been abandoned
by their mother,
and they were just this really
adorable, little balls of fur.
I put them in a box
with cotton balls and
soaked them with gasoline
and lit 'em on fire and
put them out on a lake,
and it was like a viking
funeral for puppies.
That's not...
That's not that bad.
More shit! We need more
shit, you shit heads!
Sir, we're almost out of shit.
Well, make more.
Yes sir. Right away, sir.
Ron, is there anything
you want to tell me?
Uh...
Nope.
Yes.
No!
Nuns, what are you doing here?
You're ruining everything!
I'm about to eat your
dick, Beau Nerjoose!
Henchmen!
Get them!
Oh shit!
Ron, listen to me.
You must find his weakness
and use it against him.
Everyone has a weakness.
No, No!
Yeah, you're
ticklish aren't you?
You're tickling
him far too much!
Don't get your boogers on it.
Oh yeah!
I knew he could do it.
I can't believe it.
Now it will appear.
Where is it?
Where is it?
Ron!
Look.
There it is.
It's beautiful.
Give it to me you little shit.
The curse must be lifted.
Fuck you, Beau Nerjoose.
I must have the fleshlight.
I need the dildo.
Well...
Then you see our
delimma, don't you?
We must fight.
Oh shit.
You can do it, Ron.
I believe in you.
I've got to. To save mom.
To save the universe.
Oh fucking shit-dicks!
And now, the power of
the universe is mine!
Ah, yes!
Ron, you mustn't let him jam
the great dildo up his butt.
He cut his teeth off.
Get out of here!
I'm coming right behind you!
You good?
Yeah, I'm good.
No!
No!
Not the dildo!
No!
Holy shit! It's crumbling
before our very eyes!
I can't believe it!
It would be so expensive
to recreate this in
a cinematic medium.
I can't believe I left it in
there. I've got to go back.
I've come all this way.
No Ron. Don't do that.
You have the great dildo now.
You can save your whore-mother.
You're right, Hope.
Oh, it's my friend, Zach.
Come on, ladies.
Hey buddy.
Who are you new friends?
Shut up, Zach.
No time to explain.
We've got to get to the
Don't Stop Bereaving
Funeral Home Karoke Bar.
Alright. Hold on to
your tits, ladies.
So what was Beau Nerjoose
doing back there?
It looks like he shoving his
penis in the great fleshlight
and he was gonna shove this
great dildo up his butthole.
Oh Ron, the great fleshlight
and the great dildo
must be combined together
to bring world peace,
but not that way.
Beau Nerjoose knows
that if he reunites them
on his penis and
up his butthole,
then he can use his
taint as a conduit
to gain ultimate power
over the universe.
Seriously?
Yes, and Ron, we can
not let that happen.
The great dildo and
the great fleshlight
have to be combined directly.
Whoa. What are you
guys talking about?
Shut the fuck up Zach. I told
you. There's no time to explain.
Here it is. Pull over.
Alright, buddy. Just give me
a call later or something.
You ever hit me with a
dildo again, I'll kill you.
On the end of my dick was
your butt baby brother.
Aborted butt bro.
He'd been removed from
the ass of your mother.
Where did he go?
I shot my wad in such a way.
In such a way.
That your brother
flew covered in my
Mother-fucking jizz-spray.
I'm so glad that Agnes
wanted her funeral here.
She always did love
to party, didn't she?
Alright!
Let's get this party started!
By the power invested in me,
I hereby euthanize
Agnes Wartyhymen
as requested in her last wishes.
Now normally, this would
be done by a painless
injection, but we rain out.
So instead...
We'll be using this brick.
She'll never know
the difference.
She's in a coma, people.
My butthole!
My sanity.
It's returned.
What happened?
Oh my God. I think she's
regaining her sanity.
I think...
I think it's from the
dildo up her butt.
Oh.
That's great.
I'm so sorry I didn't understand
what you were trying to tell me.
When you said Beau
Nerjoose took your sanity,
I thought you meant boner juice,
not Beau Nerjoose.
Like Beau's his first name
and Nerjoose is his last name.
I thought you meant...
Well, I thought you meant
the juice from an erection.
Like semen or
man-milk or
cream of meat
splooge
chode-chowder
protien shake or
man-ranch
maybe jism or
a shlong-smoothie,
baby-batter,
ball-fredo sauce.
You know what I'm saying.
It's ok, Ron. It's my fault.
I should have explained
my self better.
What happened?
I took a shit.
She took a shit on
the dance floor.
She took a shit on
the dance floor, baby.
You know that shit, it
just drives me oh so crazy.
She took a shit on
the dance floor, baby.
You know that shit, it
just drives me oh so crazy.
Because it is hot shit.
Both hands and a map, bud!
I will eat your dick!
Oh Ronny, it's so
great to see you.
I feel reborn now that the great
dildo is back in my butthole.
That's cool mom. I'm
gonna go take a shit.
Agnes Wartyhymen!
Beau Nerjoose!
There's no time.
Hello. Long time no Beau...
Nerjoose.
Where's everybody going?
The party's just starting.
All I wanted was a family.
Is that too much to ask?
Oh, and maybe a dick that
doesn't suck it's own dick?
But no, no. Dr. Beau Nerjoose,
he can't be happy,
can he? Oh no. No.
but now I have fucked
the great fleshlight,
and my dick doesn't suck
its own dick anymore.
Look!
It doesn't suck itself anymore.
It does look a lot better.
It does, doesn't it?
Oh Agnes. You made a new friend.
My dear, sweet Hope.
I think it's time you knew.
It was I who left you on
the steps of that convent
for I am your father.
I stole you from that
looney bin you were born in
for Agnes is your mother.
Is that true?
But how would you know?
You haven't seen her
since she was a...
A mother knows!
But that means that Hope
and I are brother and sister.
But we totally boned, and
she totally liked it a lot.
Well, you're only half-siblings.
Ron, your father was a
man named We Nerjoose.
But wait. That's my father too.
You're my half-brother?
That means I'm...
Hope's uncle and brother.
Half-uncle, half-brother.
This is totally fucked!
If it makes you feel any
better, my half-brother
killed my mother too.
How is that supposed to
make me feel any better?
Oh. I don't know.
Because of this.
No!
Mom.
No.
It smells like a old,
rabid raccoon got caught
in a cotton candy machine.
Shhh. Shhh.
Ronny, come closer.
I could smell the whole time.
I cannot believe this is
all the Coldplay they have.
This place sucks.
Beau Nerjoose.
I've got a bone
to pick with you.
Oh hey, Ron.
You still here?
Yeah, dude.
You just killed my mom.
That seriously pisses me off.
Don't be a baby. Be
like my old dick,
and suck it up.
Now die!
Yeah!
Uppercock!
Guys, I'm winning!
Uppercunt!
No!
Do it! Do it now!
No! You don't know
what you're doing!
May the dildo fuck
the fleshlight!
What the fuck?
Here's something
for your wiener.
Fuck!
Beau Nerjoose.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Stupid idiot!
Now feel the wrath of my taint!
I have ultimate power!
I am master of the universe!
I control everything!
Wait.
Something's wrong.
I can't control it.
Something's wrong.
It hurts.
My balls.
My taint.
Beau Nerjoose is dead.
Beau Nerjoose is dead.
Beau Nerjoose is dead.
Beau Nerjoose is dead.
Beau Nerjoose is
dead.
Beau Nerjoose is
dead.
Beau Nerjoose is
dead.
Beau Nerjoose is
dead.
What is that?
It's what's left
of Beau Nerjoose.
I told you I'd eat your dick.
I guess no one man's taint
can rule the universe.
Yes Ron. And thank you for
helping us defeat Beau Nerjoose.
Now we can commence
with out evil plan.
Wait.
Evil?
Oh you didn't know?
We're super evil.
All of you?
Even Hope?
Yeah I'm evil as fuck.
How would a nun get HPV?
I don't know.
A pogo-stick?
That is rich my friend.
Rich.
You fuckin' nuts?
Yeah. Booty worms.
Tittie maggots.
It's all super-evil shit.
We made you break
the ten commandments.
It's totally fucking evil.
Oh yes. And now that we
have the great dildo and
the great fleshlight,
we can speed up the
gestation process so
Hope will have her baby
and yours.
But I'm Hope's brother
and her uncle.
Oh yes. It'll probably
be super-inbred-retarded.
Not to mention that
fact that it's also
totally the anti-christ
that will exterminate
all of humanity.
What?
Do it!
Son?
Daddy!
And then I jacked off and I
shot my dad with my laser dick.
I shot like loads
of people with it.
Pretty much everybody.
I'm totes the anti-christ.
Honey, I'm making sandwiches.
What kind?
Bologna.
Bologna, fuck yeah!
He died for you, and me too,
and all the dead people too.
He died for you, and me too,
and all the dead people too.
He died for you, and me too,
and all the dead people too.
He died for you, and me too,
and all the dead people too.
He died for you, and me too,
and all the dead people too.
He died for you, and me too,
and all the dead people too.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, it was just a dream.
Daddy.