1
- This is the greatest
point we can learn
from his word in
the Book of Job.
Though we all suffer,
it is the righteous
who will persevere,
and to believe in God
is the greatest gift
any of us can have.
May my enemy be like the wicked.
May my opponent be
like the unrighteous.
Amen.
- [Congregation] Amen.
- Thank you, and God bless.
[upbeat music]
Mom and Dad!
[explosion]
[sorrowful music]
No.
No!
No!
[sobs]
- So your parents died, Doug.
It's what parents
do, they die on you.
They're in a better place.
[speaks foreign language]
- I just don't know what to
believe anymore, Father Stewart.
Why would God?
Why would God?
- It's not our place to ask.
Just know that God
has a plan for us all.
Everything happens for a reason.
Here, drink some more wine.
- I'm starting to
question my faith.
- That's 'cause your
world has changed.
You should travel, Doug,
discover how others live.
I think it'll do you good.
- Travel?
But to where?
- Go where you think
God will not follow.
If you find him there, then
you'll know he's within you.
- Where God will not follow.
["Extinction Love"
by Free Parking!]
I might be an evil man,
but I don't mean it
Dressed up like the
devil's son, oh I'm a demon
Our love might be
extinct and gone
Maybe that's the
reason I'm traveling on
Maybe that's the
reason I'm traveling on
Turn into a dinosaur
as if I'm dreaming
Front line in a holy
war, I'm undefeated
Your extinction love
will lead me wrong
Maybe that's the
reason I'm traveling on
Baby, that's the
reason I'm traveling on
[serene music]
- China.
[suspenseful music]
[shouts]
China is east.
[whimpers]
Oh my god!
[somber music]
Are you hurt?
[coughs]
- You want me to take it?
- I don't understand.
- The dragon warrior.
[twigs snap]
[shouts in pain]
- The dream again?
- The very same.
And the pain in my hand.
- A disease from your
travels, no doubt.
Something stuck on this
artifact you cut your hand with.
It's no wonder this
haunts your dreams.
What did that Chinese
say, dragon warrior?
- Something like that.
- How eastern.
Here's food if you're hungry.
- I am.
Hungry.
- Good, feed a
fever, starve a cold.
I'm sure you'll forget
all about China soon.
Bye.
[door closes]
- Hungry.
Hungry.
I need air, I have to get out.
[groans]
- Spare some change, sir?
- No, no, I don't have any.
- Please, it's for an old man.
- No, I took the vow
of poverty, I have no
material possessions!
- Oh my god, watch it, jerk!
Here.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- You're welcome.
- God bless you.
You're a born angel, I know it.
- I'm lit up right
and hot to trap,
where you want me
tonight, daddy-o?
- Carol, hello.
[yelps]
Goddamn you, Carol,
how many fucking times
I have to tell you not
to question what I do?
Now what's my name?
- Frankie Mermaid.
- And why is my name
Frankie Mermaid?
[mumbles]
Speak up, Carol,
or else I'm gonna give
you the fucking boot!
- 'Cause you're
swimming in bitches.
- You're goddamn right!
You're goddamn right.
Now where you gonna
trick tonight?
- The park.
- That's right, mama, the park.
'Cause that's where
the real money's at,
and you are the real money.
[laughs]
[suspenseful music]
Yo, Cherry!
If you stuffed
dicks in your mouth
like you're doing that sandwich,
I'd be a fucking
millionaire by now!
[foreboding music]
[groans]
[roars]
- Your money or your life.
- They don't give me the
money, I don't have the money.
- Then take me to who does.
- He'll kill you.
- That makes two of us.
[growling]
[yelps]
[gun fires]
[raptor screeches]
[screams]
[raptor growls]
[roars]
[suspenseful music]
[yelps]
- Hello, my child.
- Carol.
- Doug.
- Last night was amazing.
- Oh.
Oh, I see.
Let me be fair in saying that
this can never happen again.
- So it was just
a one time thing?
- Yes.
Honestly, it never
should've happened at all.
- That's for sure.
- Oh?
Was it bad?
- It was weird.
- Oh.
- Honestly, it all
happened so quickly.
I was very scared, I
think I even peed myself.
- Was it your first time, too?
- Yeah.
- As I said, I'm a priest,
so we can never say--
- Wait, what are you
even talking about?
- What are you talking about?
- The time you turned into
a dinosaur and ate someone.
- Wait.
What?
What?
- You don't remember, do you?
- I remember some
sort of nightmare,
a lust for the flesh.
- You must have blacked out.
What's the last thing
you do remember?
- Hunger.
That doesn't matter,
I don't believe you.
Dinosaurs never existed,
and even if they did,
I don't transform into one.
- I can show you the body.
- Where is it?
Do you have anything I can wear?
- Sure.
429, 430,
431, 432.
- Oh Jesus!
- See, I told you.
- Why did you cover
it with leaves?
- I don't know, I didn't
know what else to do!
Firstly, I'm a hooker and I
did not wanna be arrested,
and secondly, you turned into
a dinosaur and you ate him.
- You're a hooker?
- And pre-med law,
but people aren't surprised
as much by that one.
- Oh my god.
- You know, it
might sound strange,
but I don't think this
has to be a bad thing.
- Touch not, thy sinning hands,
Jezebel!
- Stop it, you saved me!
You saved me!
My life, all of it!
Do you know what he
would've done to me?
This is the most priestly
thing that you've ever done!
Look, you guys talk all the
time about helping people.
This might actually be the
first time in your life you can.
- What, by killing people?
- Yes, bad people!
Every drug-dealing murderer
that ever walked
into your confession.
Every rapist or pedophile
that bragged to you about
its crimes and went free!
You and I both know
that some of those
people are beyond help.
Look, I know a
lot of bad people.
You think I like turning
tricks to pay for college?
There's surprisingly
little demand
for hooker doctor lawyers.
Help me help everyone.
Please.
- No.
This madness must stop.
- Doug!
- I have to do confessions.
- Right now?
- Yes, right now!
[Doug sobs]
- Fuck.
- Douglas, you're
late for confession.
- Sorry.
Hello, my child,
how long has it been
since your last confession?
- Since I last confessed?
Oh Jesus.
Padre, you're gonna
make me, let's see.
It's been about two years.
There's a lot of
ground to cover.
[coughs]
You can't smoke in here, my son.
- Listen Padre, Frankie
fucking Mermaid smokes
where the fuck he wants,
because his life is on fire.
- What is it that you
would like to confess?
- Oh jeez, I guess we could
cover the last four days.
Stole candy from this baby.
Then I threw the
baby in the river,
so it couldn't
snitch, obviously.
Then I pimp bitches, I do drugs,
sell drugs, murder people.
Really, you name it,
I done it, Padre.
- You've taken
blood from malice?
- Malice, whoa, no, no.
More like fun, and
business, I got bosses.
They tell me to kill
people, so I kill people,
or I tell other
people to kill people.
- Who was the last
that you've slain?
- Oh jeez, let me see.
Jesus Christ.
Oh shit, actually,
a couple months ago,
this fucking old couple,
I blew up their car.
[ominous music]
- You've murdered--
- Actually,
it was right in
front of this church.
Oh my god, blood,
blood everywhere.
Skin melting, skin boiling.
Kinda gave me a hard-on, Padre,
add that to the confession, too.
- You--
- Oh, actually,
you might know him, one
of your priest friends
comes running out,
yelling, "Mom, Dad,"
like it's his fucking parents
or something like that.
Oh god, god.
Where else can you see that
kind of shit on a Tuesday?
- You murdered my parents!
[roars]
- Oh fuck!
- Why did you kill them?
- Kill them?
It was just orders, Padre,
I didn't mean nothing by it.
- They were my parents!
- I'm sorry!
- Tell me why, tell me
who ordered their deaths!
- You have no idea how
far their reach is, Padre.
They got their claws
in everything here.
I don't know nothing, you
might as well just kill me now.
- Okay!
[screams]
[knocking]
- Are you alone?
- Yeah.
- If we're gonna do this, how?
How are we gonna do this?
- We'll make a plan.
- [Doug] Plan?
- Yeah, create rules.
- Rules.
Rules, right, like
commandments, right?
Things to live by.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Okay.
I can still practice, right?
I can still be a priest, right?
- Yeah, I think.
- Okay, okay.
We're the only ones that
can know about this.
Father Stewart can't know.
- Sure, who's Father Stewart?
- This is a good thing.
A good thing, we're
gonna help people.
Do real good, right?
- Right.
- Right?
- Right, right.
Now I don't know much about God.
- I don't know much
about dinosaurs.
My parents,
they were murdered
not too long ago.
I killed the man
that killed them.
Today.
- How did it feel?
- It felt
good.
I know the world
is a better place
with people like Frankie
Mermaid off the streets.
- What, you killed Frankie,
the Frankie Mermaid?
- I didn't mean to,
I didn't mean to.
I didn't mean to kill him.
I was just so angry, and
he just kept bragging.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- We'll only hurt bad people.
- Only the worst.
["Spencer Reid"
by The Holy Mess]
My little arsonist just
set my head on fire
Couldn't sleep
'til it burned out
My stomach's burning
up like a funeral pyre
Traditions gone for good
Voice in my head's
calling me a liar
Coming clean on
a borrowed floor
You found the cure for
being sick and tired
Tell me if you would
I'm getting lost in
a bad translation
Show me I mean
anything to you
Show me you've got
better shit to do
Show me I'm the
one disfigured
Light the match,
caress that trigger
Show me I mean
anything to you
My little alchemist,
you left me uninspired
Formula's been done for ages
A book with tattered pages
Loss of wisdom,
lost for words
Song in my head is
calling me a liar
Coming clean to
a foreign shore
I have the cure for
being sick and tired
Stop me if you could
I'm getting lost in
a bad translation
Show me I mean
anything to you
Show me you've got
better shit to do
Show me I'm the
one disfigured
Light the match,
caress that trigger
Show me I mean
anything to you
Show me I mean
anything to you
[ominous eastern music]
- It's hard to say, sir.
We've had rumors
from the underground
of a fearsome dragon warrior.
They say he can take
on 10 men at a time.
- That is the word of the
people, Master Wei Chan.
- Do not speak of my
Christian in here.
- Yes sir, I apologize.
- Well sir, we'll have another
shipment of coke in tomorrow,
prepared exactly as you ordered.
[laughs]
[suspenseful music]
[laughs maniacally]
[Carol chats]
- Father Stewart.
- Hello Douglas.
You're reading, I see.
- Yes.
Time spent in silent servitude.
How are you?
- Worried, Doug.
I'll be blunt.
Your chronic absence worries me.
You've hardly been
eating at all.
You haven't missed a
Sunday in 16 years,
and all of a sudden,
that girl shows up--
- That girl's name is Carol.
And she's very nice.
- Have you forgotten
your vow of chastity?
- Of course not.
- Then as your mentor and
your friend, I ask you,
what the hell is going on?
- Father Stewart,
what if I told you
that I was different?
- You're not that different.
There are plenty of men
like that in the church.
- No.
I mean really different.
[dramatic music]
- That's impossible.
- Nothing is impossible
where the lord is concerned,
Leviticus 24:24.
- Doug, if you really think
there's something inside you
that can make you
change like this,
then the church is very clear
on the procedure for exorcism.
- I don't need an exorcism.
- You're hallucinating
that you're killing people.
- And thine enemies
shall be vanquished
with righteous and swift
justice, Matthew 32:6!
I can rid the world of the
scum with my bare hands,
don't you see, Father Stewart?
I might be on a mission
from God himself.
- That's insane, Doug, God
does not want people dead.
- Oh I think God wants
a lot of people dead.
- I'll contact the diocese
as soon as possible.
We need to rid you of this
Carol and this delusion.
- It's not like that,
she's a good person.
- What does she do for work?
- The job of the sinner is--
- It's obvious this
isn't about her anyway.
Do not leave this room
until further notice.
- But...
Wait, Father Stewart!
God damn it!
[somber music]
- [Doug Voiceover]
I had parents once.
What would my parents say?
[laughs]
[uplifting music]
- [Doug's Mom] We're happy
with your life's decisions.
- I'm so proud of you,
Doug, you're my only son.
Becoming a priest is
a big decision, son.
You really think it's for you?
- I think I can do good, Dad.
The most good possible.
I can help people and
become a servant of God.
The way we're meant to be.
- It's a big decision.
All I want you to
do is remember this.
If you ever find yourself
lost in the woods,
you can't hear his voice,
just follow your heart.
Your heart will always
lead you back home.
Now why don't you hop on out?
Your mom and I
will take a drive.
We'll pick you up
after priest college.
- Thanks, Dad.
[door closes]
[serene music]
- The diocese will
take too long.
As much as it pains
me to do so, Doug,
I'm too worried about you to
sit on my hands any longer.
Decided to skip the bureaucracy
and take matters
into other hands.
- Where are we?
- [Father Stewart]
Somewhere the church forgot.
- Father Stewart, I think
we're making a big mistake.
- Sometimes we need evil
to fight evil, Doug.
- But that's what I just said.
- This is different.
[dramatic music]
- Stewart, it's been years.
- Not enough, perhaps.
- And you must be Doug.
- Father Jones.
[laughs]
- There are no
fathers in here, kid.
- Altair is a
practicing exorcist,
though his methods
are sometimes suspect.
- Doug, what the church can
tell us only extends so far.
We must look abroad if
we are to find the truth
that is hidden within the truth.
But fear not, for our inner eye
will be our guide
through this darkness.
Now, I understand
you're being stalked
by some kind of specter.
Tell me about that, and
start from the beginning.
- It all happened after
my parents were murdered.
Father Stewart
suggested that I travel.
- [Father Stewart Voiceover]
I haven't had to come
to Altair in years.
Not since the war.
[suspenseful music]
- Sammy's dead.
They got Bennet.
Johnny Bones.
[sorrowful music]
Andrew Martin sat on
his own fucking grenade.
Ricky Invincible, God
knows where the fuck he is.
Fucking Vietcong
coming out of nowhere.
- They sure are sneaky bastards.
- They're communists, okay?
There ain't nothing sneaky
about an evil like that.
Don't forget.
[bombs explode]
So Sergeant Stewart,
you got a girl back
home waiting for you?
- I do.
Her name's Adeline.
[whistles]
- She's a babe.
- She's all I'm fighting for.
When we get out of this war,
I'm thinking I'll settle down
and finally start that family.
- We'll get you
out of here, son.
Back home to your sweet Adeline.
And when you finally
get back there
and start that family
you've always dreamed about,
you could have five kids.
11 kids.
And I want you to spend 15
minutes a day with each of them.
Yeah, and I want you to
name one of them after me.
Ali, your wartime buddy.
Yeah.
When little Ali Stewart asks
where he got his name from,
you could say your
wartime buddy, Ali.
The one who made it
through the whole war
without taking a single hit,
and managed to do
it with a smile.
But then you look at
him, square in the face,
and you smile like I do.
Like this.
[gun fires]
- Ali, Ali, Ali!
No, no, Ali!
[shouts] Ali, no, no!
No!
No, no!
War is war, and war is hell,
and hell never changes.
[chopper whirs overhead]
- [Adeline] James!
- Adeline?
Adeline?
[uplifting music]
Adeline, Adeline!
- James!
- Adeline!
- James!
- Adeline!
- James!
James!
- Another goddamn VC trip mine.
- I don't think we can
do anything for her now,
she's too far gone.
- [Large Soldier] What do
you think she was doing
in the forest?
- [Small Soldier] I don't know,
maybe she was trying
to start a family.
[sorrowful music]
- [Father Stewart Voiceover]
No one ever really comes home
from the war,
but losing Adeline was a
blow I didn't recover from.
Those wounds are why
I'm the man I am today.
When I came back to the States,
I tried my hand at
the clergy again.
- Now Doug, there may
be some discomfort
during the ceremony,
but that it entirely
within the realm of reason.
Do not hesitate to
speak out, to call out
if you feel something, if you
feel anything extraordinary.
- Okay, thank you.
- Don't thank me.
Not yet.
[speaks foreign language]
[foreboding music]
- Are you feeling anything?
- Anxiety.
- It's quite normal,
anything else?
[speaks foreign language]
- It feels a little hot in here.
- Yes, yes, all normal.
Feel deeper, feel what's
deep inside of you, Doug.
Is it monsters, is it demons,
or something of the like?
These are our subjects now.
[speaks foreign language]
- I feel empty, as if
there's so much I can do,
but no way to do it.
- Empty?
- No, no, that's
not the right word.
I feel, I feel...
- [speaks foreign language]
- I feel...
[cracking]
[thunder rumbles]
I feel
Hungry!
[shouts]
- Doug, Doug!
Stop the seance, stop!
Doug, are you okay?
Doug, Doug?
[suspenseful music]
[roars]
[Father Stewart screams]
[screeches]
[crunching]
- Now the hounds of
hell are truly loose.
What have I done?
[laughs]
[ominous eastern music]
- [Leader] Crikey, it's
the dragon warrior.
Alright, here's the plan.
We're gonna use Master Wei
Chan's famous arc method
of attack.
As I'm sure you two remember,
it's a three-prong spring
forward from all sides at once.
I think that'll overwhelm
and confuse him.
Wait, let me write this down.
Okay Jenny, you head
left down the side.
I'm gonna use my
fast movements--
- [Leader] Choi-Min is going
to spring to the tree there.
- [Leader] I'm pretty sure
dinosaurs can't look up.
[serene eastern music]
- [Leader] Jenny, you got that?
Good, Choi-Min?
Good, always in.
That's what I like
about you, Choi-Min.
Okay boys, no one lives forever.
[groans]
Ya!
[roars]
- [Doug] Carol.
- [Carol] Oh, Doug!
- I was attacked.
I was attacked on
the way over here.
Oh god, I think
I'm still bleeding.
I'm still bleeding.
- Where have you been,
I've been looking for you.
- Father Stewart!
Father Stewart, he
tried to exorcize me.
I think I killed him, Carol.
- [Carol] Oh my
god, I'm so sorry.
- I don't wanna hurt people.
I was put here to do good, I
was put here to help people.
- You're not gonna hurt me.
- How do you know,
how do you know I'm
not gonna hurt people?
- I know here.
There's no monsters in here.
I promise.
- I think I'm still bleeding.
- Just kiss me.
["I Didn't Even Have Time
to Think" by Math the Band]
I didn't even
have time to think
I didn't even
have time to think
I didn't even have
time to put my shoes on
I found myself in the street
I didn't even
have time to think
I didn't even
have time to think
I didn't even have
time to put my shoes on
I found myself in the street
I wasn't looking
for satisfaction
I wasn't listening
to the policeman
I wasn't paying attention
to my surroundings
I left my fate up
to the crosswalk
I know it's a dream
I know it's a dream
It's always a
Well I was lost,
I was afraid
And I was spitting empty
threats at the valet
It wasn't bad,
it wasn't good
I called the cops and
then he got up on the hood
I got confrontation
on my mind
And I've got
confrontation on my mind
And I've got
confrontation on my mind
So get over it, over it
I didn't even
have time to think
I didn't even
have time to think
I didn't even have time
[ninjas shout]
[suspenseful music]
[uplifting music]
- Where did all these
ninjas come from?
- I fought some
ninjas last night.
Maybe they followed me home.
- [Ninja] [chuckles] You don't
know who you're dealing with.
- [Doug] Who are
you working for?
- Remember your
faith, Father Jones.
- Where am I?
- Who are you?
Where's Doug?
Come with me.
- I don't understand.
What do you do?
- The what?
[foreboding music]
- The spider's kiss blend.
- I don't understand.
What does drug smuggling
have to do with Christianity?
- Everything.
- [speaks foreign language]
- Manifest destiny, that's
what we're doing here,
Father Stewart.
- You can't do this.
The Christian faith is what
I believe with all my heart,
but you cannot forcibly
convert the unwilling.
That's madness, that's inhuman!
[groans]
[solemn music]
- Doug will stop you.
[laughs]
[melancholy music]
- [Doug Voiceover] Good
thing that ninja told us
where the hideout
was before he died.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
But so are they.
[ominous music]
- [Sam] Still don't
recognize me, do you, Doug?
- Wait.
That voice.
- Remember me now?
Brother?
- Sam.
[sorrowful music]
- [Doug's Dad]
You're my only son.
- [Doug] Thanks, Dad.
- [Doug's Dad]
You're my only son.
[family laughs]
You're my only son.
You're my only son.
- No, it's impossible.
- You're not the only one
who answered the call of God.
Brother.
- Sam, it's not too late.
Don't do this.
[laughs]
- You're blind, Doug.
You've always been blind.
I will not stain the sword of
my ancestors with your blood!
For God!
[suspenseful music]
[shouts]
You were always laughing, Doug.
What was so funny?
What was so funny?
You and Pop playing
ball in the yard?
Well you're not gonna
be laughing anymore.
I'm gonna be the one
laughing when I kill you!
- Your ancestors
are my ancestors.
[shouts]
[yelps]
[ninjas shout]
[shouts]
[suspenseful music]
[yelps]
- Carol!
Carol, Carol, Carol!
Carol, no, Carol, Carol.
- Doug, it's too late for me.
- No, no.
What am I gonna do?
I need you.
- [Carol] You don't need me.
- Wait.
- [Carol] But Doug.
- Listen.
I love you, Carol.
- Doug, you're better than them.
It's not because of
[coughs] your powers.
It never has been.
- I'm just one man.
- A good man.
With a good heart.
That's all that
has ever mattered.
That's all that's every
changed [coughs] anything.
I believe in you, no
matter what happens today.
- What if I can't win?
- You will.
Of course you will.
[gasps]
Just have a little faith.
- Carol.
Carol.
[sorrowful music]
[suspenseful music]
- I believe in a higher power,
but praying right
now will never save
your lives!
[roars]
[screams]
[shouts]
[screams]
[shouts in pain]
- Sir.
We tried.
[chuckles] You are the last one.
[screams]
Do you have any last words?
Velocipastor!
- Only six.
[suspenseful music]
I think my hand is immune.
[shouts]
[shouts]
[serene music]
- Oh, Carol.
[grunts]
- We did it.
[upbeat music]
Carol's wounds are healing up
faster than we first thought.
She's expected to
make a full recovery.
- Thank god.
- In fact, I think
she's ready right now.
Did you wanna see her?
- You bet I would.
Carol?
[heart monitor beeps]
Carol?
Carol.
Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- You're fine?
- I'm fine.
You know the church won't
stop with Wei Chan's death.
They were here.
They're gonna be somewhere else.
- China, Europe, all over
the world, I suppose.
Now that I've officially
resigned from the church,
I guess we'll have to sort
things out all over the world.
It's a big job.
- There's a billion dollar
bounty on your head, Doug Jones.
What are you gonna do next?
- What I do best.
["Speak Uneasy"
by The Holy Mess]
You were trying to
say something when
I looked at myself
I saw the glaze in your eye,
I think I'm bad for my health
And it was never the
intention of creating a hell
But now I want you
back, I want you back
You knew I'd sell my soul
for this van and friends
A couple thousand miles
and the days we spent
Taking our time to medicate
It helped me wash
the pain away
It takes this world
to bring me back
It takes this world to
bring me back to good
It takes this world
to bring me back
I've forsaken that
world to bring me back
I can't stop shaking
now and itching
I found you dead
in your kitchen
Enough to, enough
to fucking cry
Helped you let
things go on by
I'm still outside
getting high
It takes this world
to bring me back
It takes this world to
bring me back to good
It takes this world
to bring me back
I've forsaken that
world to bring me back
If we play the right chords
They'll make positive noise
Lifting up these
spirits as we drain them