Damn!
Whiskey, let's find us
a nice little bank.
What do you know? I'm the boss.
That does it, Whiskey.
Now just for that, I'm going in alone.
Without me, you'll wind up
holding a broken chair together.
You say something?
Okay...
...but remember, I'm boss.
Cactus Jack Slade waits in the shade
Pondering his evil schemes
He's a well-known bad guy
Ready to try whatever it takes
To live up to his name
No one is safe from the villain
He totes a dangerous gun
And robbing and stealing
And just plain dirty dealing
Cactus Jack Slade gets it done
Get off the streets, he's the villain
Meet me in front.
Close all the stores
Lock all the doors
Cactus Jack Slade has arrived
- Who is it?
- The sheriff.
Open up.
You're not the sheriff.
I lied.
One, close the door. Two, open the
safe. Three, on the floor.
You forgot number two.
Oh, no, I didn't. I did that
when you stuck that gun in my face.
- Open that safe.
- The safe is locked for the night.
And only Mr. Simpson
has the combination.
I'm just a clerk.
Excuse me.
Got a light?
How about a cigar?
I don't smoke.
Oh, I should've had two...
- What's that noise?
- It came from the bank.
The sheriff's coming.
What are you doing, you traitor?
Whiskey? You traitor!
I'll get even with you.
You won't get away with this.
Traitor! I'll get even with you.
Get your hands off me.
Nobody pushes me around like this.
Here, ma'am, let me help you
cross the street.
Are you blind?
Don't you see all these horses?
We'll never live through this.
Watch out!
Are you trying to get me killed?
Oh, this is terrible.
Here, let me help you, ma'am.
See, Mother, safe and sound.
First of all, I ain't your mother.
Secondly,
take your arm off me, dummy!
And third, I didn't want to cross
the street in the first place.
Yes, ma'am.
Charming, you're gonna miss
your train.
Now remember what I told you.
Avery Simpson would steal the candy
from a young'un if he got the chance.
- Are you listening?
- Yes, Papa.
- Them shoes still on that mare?
- Hell, yes.
There's enough silver in that hill
to make a St. Louis hooker happy...
...but it won't do no good
in the hills, understand?
So you watch out
for that thieving Avery Simpson...
...or he'll wind up owning
all of my mine. You follow me?
One ticket to Snake's End.
That'll do it,
one ticket to Snake's End.
Going away on a business trip,
Mr. Parody?
None of your business, Charming.
Well, here's your ticket.
Well, take it. Bite on it.
I'll get ahold of somebody to meet you
in Snake's End.
And he'll protect you.
I can take care of myself.
Charming, I'm not worried about...
I'm worried about the money!
Bring the money right back
to the house.
- And be careful of strangers.
- Yes, Daddy.
Pardon me, sir.
- I'm Handsome Stranger.
- So?
That's my name.
You have a telegram for me.
Boy, you talk...
...funny.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
What about my telegram?
So I did. I forgot to write it down.
With all that commotion
and everything...
...going over at the bank...
But I do recollect what it said.
It was from a guy named...
...Parody Jones. He said...
...his daughter was coming into town
to pick something up at the bank.
And that you are supposed
to escort her...
...back out to his...
...place.
And then he said something
about you owing him.
That's true.
He saved my life once.
I've been beholden to him ever since.
When is Miss Jones arriving?
Miss Jones is...
Miss Jones is coming in
On the evening train
Do I still have time to eat?
Sure, you do. Just go on over
to the Broken Spoke and eat.
Broken Spoke? It's a saloon.
That's right.
And this here's a telegraph office.
To send a telegram, you come here.
It's the only place in town.
To eat, you go to the Broken Spoke,
because it's the only place in...
Thank you. Thank you.
...town.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Oh, easy. Go slow, go slow.
What happened?
She was trying to cross the street.
Got hit by a beer wagon.
I always say that alcohol and driving
don't mix. What a pity.
I thought I heard that voice!
Get out! I'll kill you!
Stop this stretcher! Get that man!
If it wasn't for you I wouldn't
have been hurt. Turn around!
Turn this stretcher! Get that man!
I'll teach you when I want to cross
the street!
You leave me alone!
I'm gonna make you...
- Morning, Mr. Avery.
- I want to see your prisoner.
I want to see him alone.
Traitor.
- Cactus Jack?
- Who are you?
I'm Avery Simpson.
I own the bank you blew up last night.
I used too much dynamite.
Well, I'm not mad at you
for blowing up my bank.
I'm not even mad at you for trying
to blow my safe apart.
I don't keep any money in it anyway.
I don't trust banks.
- You know why I'm not mad at you?
- Why?
Because you and me may be able
to do business together.
Now if we can...
...you'll walk out of here with me
scot-free.
And I'll give you $1000 cash tomorrow.
If we can't do business together,
the sheriff is gonna hang you...
...tonight.
I don't know.
- Well?
- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
- It's a deal.
- Good.
A year ago I grubstaked
an old prospector.
For that I got half of everything.
You follow me?
Now he needs more money
to work the mine.
He's putting up the other half
as collateral.
I'm gonna lend him that money.
You follow me?
His daughter will take the cash back
in the morning.
I don't want it to get there.
If it don't, I'll get the whole mine.
- You still follow me?
- What about a little advance?
Here's $20, which
I'll deduct from the 500 you'll earn.
You made mention of $1000,
didn't you?
I thought I made mention of a hanging,
didn't I?
Five hundred dollars.
Whiskey, if you behave,
we're gonna be rich. Real rich.
Whiskey.
Not you. Stay outside.
Leave the bottle.
That's an uppercut.
That's a left cross.
And that's a two-by-four.
Thank you.
Mr. Stranger...
...the evening train's coming.
I just heard the...
...blow.
It's at Five-Mile Crossing.
Then the train has five miles to go.
I still can finish my meal.
If you want to meet the old train
you'd better come now because...
...Five-Mile Crossing is only
half a mile down the t...
- Track?
- Way.
Really?
I'd better go.
Charming
Charming
There ain't no woman in these parts
That looks as good as you
Charming
Charming
Don't forget
What you were sent to do
Pardon me. Pardon me.
Would you mind taking hold of these,
please?
Well, yes, ma'am.
Wonderful.
You were the only lady
to get off the train.
Yes, I was.
- Then you must be Charming.
- You've said it all.
I mean, Charming Jones.
Parody's daughter.
I'm your pa's friend.
He told me to pick you up.
- I'm Handsome Stranger.
- Yes, you are.
- Let me help you.
- Thank you.
My!
- Shall we?
- Oh, yes. Yes.
Handsome Stranger is such
a wonderful nickname.
How did you get it?
It's not a nickname.
It's my real name.
- Really?
- Yes, I was named after my father.
He must have been quite a man.
I don't know. I never met him.
How did you meet my daddy?
I never heard him mention your name.
I met him in Denver.
He saved my life.
He nursed me
after I got beat up by ruffians.
Oh, dear. Why did they do that?
You know, I don't know.
But like I said,
it was a few years ago in Denver.
I saw a bunch of crazy horses
running down Main Street.
I finally realized
that these were runaways.
So I jumped on my horse
and I chased them down the street.
I ran after them.
It was crazy.
They were going faster and faster.
I was catching up with them.
There were children and women
and old men in danger in the street.
It was really dangerous.
I tried to save them.
You risked your life to try
to stop them.
- I do this every day. I try to...
- Oh, how wonderful.
So I kept running after them
and finally I did catch up.
- What are you doing?
- I got them under control.
Get him off my horse.
You dummy. How am I gonna
make a living?
That was the only cathouse in town.
Excuse me, ma'am.
What do you do for a living?
And that's the way it was.
That was a brave and noble thing
you did, stopping that team of horses.
Why, you could have been killed!
Oh, yes.
There's been a change of plans.
The girl already got somebody
to ride shotgun for her.
He don't look like much, but
it won't be easy to get the money.
Why don't I just hold them up...?
Why don't you just do that,
if you think you can handle it?
What makes you think I can't?
You did such a magnificent job
on the bank.
Yeah, well, I've had a lot more
experience robbing people.
Make sure you get that money.
- I'll get it.
- Make sure you bring back all of it.
- I'm not dishonest.
- And I'm not a trusting man.
I always insure a risk.
You take good care of that box,
young man.
Charming, have a nice trip.
Say hi to your dad.
We could've saved
some of Daddy's money...
...by taking only one room.
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
I can pay for my own room.
He was waiting at the station
When the train pulled in
He was there to meet a lady
As a favor for a friend
The stranger was a proud man
Who paid the debts he owed
And it was his time to pay the debt
He owed from long ago
Handsome Stranger
Where do you come from?
No one seems to know
Your business here
With your steel-blue eyes
And pearl handled guns
There ain't an outlaw anywhere
You fear
Handsome Stranger
Where do you come from?
No one seems to know
Your business here
With your steel-blue eyes
And pearl handled guns
There ain't an outlaw anywhere
You fear
Oh, let me straighten out the bags.
Can you hold this?
- Are you gonna be long?
- No.
- What are you doing?
- Tying down the bags.
Higher.
No.
I mean me, higher.
Now, was that difficult?
This is the day we strike it rich.
One, I merely step out
in front of that wagon.
That ought to stop them.
Two, I shoot the boyfriend.
Three, I steal the money
and ravish that woman.
Leaving that oily banker
with his thumb up his dumb.
I'll handle this.
- Did you hear that?
- No, I heard nothing.
There was a big sound.
Whiskey!
Whiskey, where you been?
Why does the banker want him watched?
He needs to be looked after.
- I've never done this before.
- You're doing a good job.
Oh, thank you.
- Thank you, ma'am.
- Oh, you're so welcome.
- What a relief!
- What?
We passed the bend and
nothing happened.
Yes, I know.
Whiskey!
- It sure is desolate out here.
- Yes, ma'am.
Won't it be awful if we're robbed
or attacked by bandits?
I hear they do
terrible things to women.
You don't talk much, do you?
I wish you'd make some conversation.
Otherwise, it's going to be a very,
very dull trip.
- What do you want to talk about?
- Oh, anything. Surprise me.
You want to see my gun?
Bet you've never seen one like this.
It's like any other gun.
It just looks like any other gun,
but it's different.
Oh, really?
Well, tell me.
I'm dying to know.
- This is a seven-shot six-shooter.
- Yeah?
And I had it specially made.
Why?
- Why?
- Yes, why?
I don't know.
- Nobody asked me that before.
- I'll bet.
Ah, I love those Latin hymns.
Welcome, stranger.
You're a handsome stranger.
I see by the guns you wear
that you're a man of violence.
Violence is ignorance.
But it's not too late to be saved.
The skies are darkening.
Soon, the rain will fall.
The angels are weeping.
Let their teardrops
cleanse your heart.
- It's not too late to be saved.
- Really?
You can be the salt of the earth,
the light of the life.
- But you gotta stop drinking.
- I'm not.
- No drinking.
- Never.
- No cussing.
- Never.
No dirty jokes.
The wicked sprung up like grass and
the works of iniquity flourished...
...it was so they might be destroyed.
Hand me your guns.
Now, if I were a mind to rob you...
...or perhaps
molest your lady friend...
...this gun wouldn't scare you at all.
Because we both know it's not loaded.
- But I want to tell you that...
- Freeze. My gun is definitely loaded.
Right.
If I were to pull the trigger...
...it wouldn't scare you.
- Reverend!
I wish he wouldn't have left so soon.
I think he really could've helped me.
Me too.
You and your seven-shot six-shooter.
Whiskey.
What happened?
Behave yourself.
Whiskey, when we steal that money,
we're gonna buy a nice spread.
With a little corral
and a couple of cute fillies for you.
I think I'll get me
a couple cute fillies too.
Now, go away.
I gotta work this out.
Yeah, this is gonna work.
I like this place.
Let's spend the night here.
Perfect.
I'll take care of the team, okay?
Charming
Charming
There ain't no woman in these parts
That looks as good as you
Charming
Charming
Don't forget
What you were sent to do
She came to town
With her head held high
Cowboys smile when she walks by
Across the badlands she does ride
With a handsome stranger
By her side
Charming
Charming
There ain't no woman
Looks as good as you
What's the matter?
- Do you know which way is north?
- Why?
When we stay overnight here,
we point the wagon to the North Star.
- We know in the morning where to go.
- Really?
I read it in one of the
pioneer magazines.
Tell you what.
If we cross the river and stay on
the road we've been on all day...
...we'll get to where we're going.
- You're right.
- You know, I think I'll take a bath.
I'll get some wood for the fire.
Would you like to scrub my back?
I'd better get the wood.
I knew he'd say that.
I knew it.
Handsome?
Handsome, is that you?
We should have packed a lunch.
It's gonna be a long job.
You wanna Indian wrestle?
Miss Charming?
I've been lying here
and looking at you...
...and thinking how fitting
your name is.
I mean, it really does you justice.
How did you get a name like that?
It was the first thing
that my daddy said...
...when he found out
they were going to have me.
Mama said,
"Parody, I think I'm pregnant."
And Daddy said,
"Oh, charming. Just charming."
Your dad.
He's quite a guy, I'll tell you.
Do you have a girl?
Have you ever had a girl?
I don't think so, Miss Charming.
What are you gonna do?
It's going to get cold tonight.
So I think I'm getting
some wood for the fire.
What the...?
Respect!
One of these days,
I'm gonna trade you in for a mule.
Yeah, you think you're so
goldarned smart.
I don't think that was so funny.
Whiskey!
Did you hear me?
Then what are you standing there for?
Anxious Beaver, look down there.
Over there.
- It's him.
- Him it is.
That's a very smart horse.
Now, that's a horse for you, Mary.
My braves!
We're gonna have a necktie party,
Mr. Handsome Stranger.
You're gonna be the guest of honor,
Mr. Handsome Stranger.
Whiskey!
Whiskey!
I'll tell you when.
Missed.
Rock went behind. Gonna hit the thing.
I don't get that.
It's chapter six.
"The tunnel in the hillside."
Right there.
Did you see that?
Oh, what do you know?
This is a shortcut.
Watch this.
I'll show you how to handle
these situations.
Here.
Back up.
Keep it that way.
Keep it taut.
Back up!
Back up!
Do you hear me?
We've got to be careful from here on.
This is Indian country.
- Indian County.
- County?
Whiskey, this book has been
fouling me up.
I don't need Jesse James.
Or Doc Holliday.
Or Billy the Kid.
I don't need anybody.
From now on, I do it my way.
Cactus Jack Slade.
Why does old enemy...
...Prickly Jack come to Nervous Elk?
It's Cactus Jack. Cactus Jack Slade.
I come to speak with straight tongue.
Tongue may be straight...
...but mouth hide many sharp teeth.
I seek great chief's help.
I lost my heart to a girl.
- Can't you talk without your hands?
- Yeah, well...
...this fellow that's with her
is one big mean critter.
How can this tired old warrior help?
I was hoping that if you and me
and a bunch of these braves...
...were to pop out
sudden-like at him...
...he wouldn't be so likely
to start a ruckus.
You want nothing from this man...
...but woman?
- Not one thing.
Well, I'd take the buckboard.
She couldn't ride a horse
dressed like she is.
I'd even give him my horse.
I'm still willing
to do him a kindness.
Giving him that horse no kindness.
What's in it for Nervous Elk?
- Scalps.
- Scalps?
- Come now, Many-Sticker John.
- It's Cactus Jack Slade.
Whatever.
Scalps don't put beans on table.
I'll share the woman.
White woman crazy.
They all keep one bullet in gun.
Yeah, I heard that.
By the way, I've been meaning
to ask you...
What do you Indians do when
you capture a white woman?
Nervous Elk not know.
Crazy white woman always shoots self
before me have chance to find out!
All except one.
Who, by mistake...
...shoot Nervous Elk...
...in the jewels.
Yeah, I remember.
For old-time's sake, will you help me?
Me like nearsighted elk
that make love to cactus...
...been stuck before.
We will help.
I knew I could count on my friend.
Thanks, chief.
Now what's the matter with you?
What's wrong?
I wasn't gonna give you away.
Come here. I was just saying that.
See you at the camp.
That man is here to steal money,
isn't he?
And if you help him,
you'll be stealing also.
But you've given your word
to the banker.
- Would you go back on it now?
- Uh-huh.
- What about that white man?
- Piss on the white man.
Listen to those drums!
It's so scary.
Don't worry. They never attack
until daylight.
Really?
Thank you.
Know what? He's gonna
set the Indian back 50 years.
I don't know which is worse,
him or those damn drums.
This is the plan of attack.
Go over it with your troops.
- Okay, chief.
- Good brave.
Well, Handsome...
...this is our last night together.
- Yeah.
Tomorrow at this time you'll be home
safe and sound with your daddy.
- I'm not really sleepy, are you?
- Oh, no, I'm wide awake.
Good.
What have you got in mind?
- I know what.
- What?
- Want to hear some knock-knock jokes?
- I'll get some wood for the fire.
We attack at dawn.
Chief, why don't we attack now,
when they're off guard?
- Indians never attack till dawn.
- I know, but why?
Because at night, Indians too busy
pounding on those dumb drums!
There they are!
- What are we waiting for?
- It not dawn yet.
Until 6:28 and 45 seconds,
according to almanac.
Chief, you sure your braves
can handle this?
My people greatest light cavalry
ever mount horse!
- I hope so.
- It dawn!
My braves, prepare to mount!
Prepare to mount!
Mount!
Mount!
Charge!
- Chief!
- Set up field hospital!
Count casualties!
Prepare for another attack!
- Prepare for attack!
- Will you shut up?
Chief, I appreciate your help, but...
...it's not gonna work out.
- My word is bond!
Hey, Beaver, any braves still moving?
- Yeah, chief, two.
- Good. Get mounted!
- Get mounted!
- Four of us will continue.
No fear, Porcupine Jack.
You're in good hands.
No, it's Cactus Jack.
Cactus Jack Slade!
Jeez, I'm gonna do it my own way.
Whiskey!
- Did anybody see my horse?
- He went thataway.
Whiskey!
Whiskey!
Thattaboy, Handsome!
Son of a gun!
They're gaining on us. Come on!
Keep them between the ditches!
Yeah, you tell them! Come on, Bumper!
You're looking good! Come on, honey!
- They're getting closer, Handsome.
- I know.
I don't know what got them so mad.
Well, I'll tell you, I don't know.
It could be...
...those knock-knock jokes.
I don't know.
- Really?
- Really.
But I do know we're slowing down.
I think you better go a little
faster, because they're gonna get us.
I can't go any faster.
These horses are really tired.
Well, in a little ways
you're gonna be safe.
- What do you mean, ma'am?
- Trust me.
There it is.
You, back over here...
...where you belong.
- That was pretty close, chief.
- Close not good enough.
Well, braves, back to bead-stringing.
Bye-bye, chief. Maybe next time!
And I got all dressed up for nothing.
On tiptoe.
Stop.
Whiskey?
Whiskey?
Whiskey!
Excuse me, ma'am?
Isn't it dangerous to have
blasting powder in the house?
I really don't care.
We got 'em.
I don't need your help.
Whiskey, you've got
a funny sense of humor.
What did you do in there?
Take another step,
and I'll ventilate you.
Nobody outsmarts Cactus Jack Slade.
Hold it.
Like the man said, just hold it.
Exactly what are your intentions?
To see that justice is done.
And yours?
Blow his head off.
- Steal the money.
- And?
Then I'm gonna ravish you.
Handsome, you lose.
What's his name here just outbid you.