1
(TENSE MUSIC)
(ENERGETIC MUSIC)
(SIREN WAILING)
(GUNSHOT BANGS)
(PUNCHES THUDS)
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(CHUCKLING)
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
I'm so sorry, this is the
story of Charlotte and Brandon,
they love my TV show.
Oatmeal, exercise,
well, sort of.
They both hate sleeping alone.
Beer and hairy nipples.
The good news is they
are a perfect match.
The bad news is,
they have never met.
And Charlotte is with Steven
while Brandon is with Ashley.
(MELLOW MUSIC)
Oh, um.
Well, I can't marry you
because I'm marrying
someone else in May.
You don't even
have a boyfriend.
Well, actually I do.
We've been together since
high school, for 14 years.
It's just that he's been
living very far away
and now, he's moving back
so we can be together.
14 years?
Sounds like commitment issues.
No, it's just
that he was waiting
until we were both ready.
Why am I defending
myself to a first grader?
Well, when it all falls apart,
you know where to find me.
Look, Lance, we've
done all the graphics
for your packaging and prints
ads at very reasonable rates.
We've created the signature
look for Be Yourself Cosmetics.
Now, it's great that your
nephew's a whiz at Photoshop
but believe me,
there's just so much...
Screw you, Lance!
And your oxymoronically
named product
and your muttonheaded
fucktard nephew!
Christ, are you off your meds?
That's our biggest account!
He's an asshole,
Brandon, asshole.
Bro, I went to RISD
with Seth MacFarlane,
I don't need that shit!
That asshole was paying
off my student loans.
Yeah, and our bills.
Shit!
You think you can get
him back on the phone?
LANCE: I'm still
here you broke bitches.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
For you.
Thank you.
BRANDON: My pleasure.
ASHLEY: You're a
pretty decent drawer.
Thank you.
You know, I've been called
the Vermeer of napkin art.
Who?
Did I leave my amethyst
necklace at your place?
Yeah, yeah, think I
saw it in the bathroom.
Okay, remind me to
get that from you.
So, my boss gave us free tickets
to the Charger's game Sunday.
Wanna go?
The 405 on a Sunday?
Okay, I'll drive.
Yeah, you know I'm not
really into drunk crowds
and football, or people.
Of course.
What's that mean?
You know, I have dated
guys with commitment issues.
Lot's of them.
Pretty standard stuff, but you,
I can't even get you to
commit to a football game.
Well, I don't like football.
It's not that,
it's everything.
You won't go to Coachella.
You won't move in together
because that would
be moving too fast.
You won't even book
that cruise next summer
because a lot can
happen in six months!
Those tickets
are non-refundable.
And you're a cheapskate!
Which is why I thought
you'd like the free tickets
in the first place!
I'm not cheap,
my money's tied up.
And I can't go to the game
because I wanna start training
for that Rwanda charity ride.
You know, where
people are dying.
Yeah, like that's
gonna happen.
Ashley, Ashley.
Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Let's do it Ashley, you and
me, Coachella next year.
ASHLEY: Ugh!
Oh, my god.
You have to see this house.
It has an entertainment room
that would be so perfect
for you to have
your buddies over
so you can watch your
football matches, and then...
It's games, it's not matches.
Uhm, anyway, there's
a chef's kitchen,
newly remodeled bathrooms,
there's a study that would
make a perfect nursery.
I think maybe we should
hold off on the house.
Why?
I just got here, you
know, starting a new job.
There's a lot to figure out.
You don't have to
figure us out, right?
You do?
Now, Charlotte,
just wait a minute.
No, no, no no, no,
I am not waiting.
I waited through college,
through med school
and through your residency.
That was the plan.
I know, I know, and
you've been so great
through all of that.
Is there someone else?
Is it that Nurse Newcombe?
No, no way.
Well, then what is it?
It's just, you,
so predictable.
Wha, wha, wha, what the heck
does that mean?
Up every morning at 6:00 a.m.,
the same Honey Nut Oatmeal,
you're off to work, back home,
then in bed at 10 o'clock.
You don't follow sports.
Sex, missionary position
with the lights off.
There's no surprises.
I'm bored out of my mind.
Well, I didn't know it
was so horrible for you.
Well that explains the
engagement ring,
the promise ring and the
pre-promise ring.
14 years, Steven!
In hindsight, I probably
should have done this sooner.
Did you bring me up here
so I wouldn't make a scene?
Because I am gonna make a scene.
I'm gonna tell
everybody in town.
I'm gonna announce
it in church...
Charlotte,
- would you please just...
- I'm gonna put posters up...
Hey, calm down
and hydrate, please.
Don't you tell me to
hydrate, you jackass!
(GROANS)
(STEVEN SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)
Steven, are you okay?
STEVEN: Fuck no!
JUDGE: We find the
defendant, Charlotte Wells,
guilty of criminal
assault and battery.
If you complete
community service,
anger management
classes and probation,
the felony charge
will be expunged.
Sentence is 30 days in jail.
Don't tell me how
to live my life.
Yes sir, motherfucker.
Goddamn fucking shit.
I gotta do me, fuck all y'all
if you can't appreciate!
Step off!
Who do you think you
are, Princess Elsa?
It's not goddamn Arendelle.
Skinny ass bitch!
(LIVELY MUSIC)
Ash?
Ashley?
MAN: Oh, yeah
Give it baby
That's what I'm
talking about, baby
Ow, ow, hot, hot, hot.
I'm on fire.
Oh, yeah.
MAN: Somebody's
earning their lunch money.
Oh, yeah.
(SCREAMING)
Jesus, Brandon,
what can I say?
She's a treacherous whore,
you're better off without her.
You're gonna give
yourself a heart attack.
What've you gone,
a mile and a half?
Shit, you're in terrible shape.
I bought this bike
so that I could get fit
and do the Rwanda ride.
You ever seen me on it?
No.
The whore's right, Dan.
I can't commit to
anything, especially women.
Which explains why
I've had 50 girlfriends
in the past 10 years.
I can get 'em but
I can't keep 'em.
I want a lasting love, Dan.
I wanna be married.
You have had a run of
lousy luck with women.
Luck has nothing to
do with it, it's me.
It has to be me.
I have to change, Dan.
Come on champ, you stink,
let's go get a shower.
Welcome home, girl.
(THUDS)
Oh my god!
Ow!
- Oh, my god.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow ow ow!
I'm so sorry.
Carly, I'm so sorry,
it's my prison reflexes.
Fuck that hurt!
Oh my god, you are so strong.
Is it sick that I envy you?
You're an ass kicker now.
You look great,
you've lost weight.
Man, I wanna go to jail.
Oh yeah, everybody
should, and it's so simple.
All you have to do is
spend half your life
in a disastrous relationship
and commit a felony.
Okay, none of
which was your fault.
It was all my fault.
Look, okay, I read online
that the average woman
will have four serious
relationship before she gets
married. So, at the
rate you're going,
you're not gonna get
married till like you're 84.
You need to get right
back on the horse.
How?
I have nothing to offer.
Men just want some spontaneous,
unpredictable sexual deviant.
Girl, you're giving
men too much credit.
They're simple beasts.
All's they crave is
sex, sports, beer, food
and sometimes a little anal.
Really?
Really.
Really?
Really.
Okay, if that's what men want,
then that is what
I'm gonna give them.
Except that last part,
not gonna happen.
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: Yeah, yeah,
we've all seen the
makeover sequence
so I won't bore you with it.
(LIVELY MUSIC)
(BURPING)
Kapernick, Manning,
Brees, cradle the balls!
Work the shaft!
- (GRUNTS)
- Yes!
You are now an expert on men.
All right, this is all
the shit that he gave you
over the last 14 years.
Throw away, sell online and,
whatever the fuck this is.
Yeah, he got it at an
Infectious Diseases Conference
in Shanghai.
I kinda like it.
It's going.
Yeah, this is disgusting.
(MELLOW ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
Hmm.
(CHUCKLES)
Wow, so you're a
graphic designer,
you must be really artistic.
Well, I have been called
the Vermeer of napkin art.
(SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU
SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Wait, what are you watching?
Oh, it's this, this silly show
about this Swiss
police woman who is...
Schweizer Polizei Frau?
You know it?
Ja!
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(LAUGHS)
I binge-watched all seven
seasons in like six days.
Yeah, I'm on season four.
Oh, there's great
ones coming up.
We talked last
night for four hours.
I think he's a really nice guy.
Oh.
Do you think I should
tell him about Steven?
If you never wanna
hear from him again.
Dating one guy your whole
life might come off a little...
- Sad?
- Freakish.
Like you were raised on
a polygamist compound.
Don't show him the
woman you were,
show him the woman
you're going to be.
You mean lie?
Hell yes, lie.
Don't tell her you have
56K in student loans.
Tell her you have
a 10 inch schlong
and you're the heir
to Walmart fortune.
It's the internet.
If you're not lying,
your not trying.
Hey, hey!
My last boyfriend? Uh...
Let's see, I was with
him for 14 months.
Wow, so brief.
Well, how long do your
relationships only last for?
Uh, you know, two,
three years.
So, you haven't been
with that many women.
A handful.
You know, for me, it's more
about quality than quantity.
My biggest fault?
Sometimes, I give
too much, you know,
whether it's work
or relationships.
I'm all in, kind of a warp
speed ahead kinda guy.
And sometimes, I'm so
spontaneous and unpredictable
that people find it exhausting.
But I'm working on that.
I mean maybe 'cause I'm country
but there's nothing like
a cold brewski, right?
Hell yeah.
Steelers baby!
Big Ben is my boy.
The San Diego Super Chargers!
Well, you're looking
at the two-time
salsa dancing champion
of West Virginia.
Look, I'm not saying I'm
Lance Armstrong or anything,
I'm kinda on the
level just below him,
but cycling is my passion.
God, you're food
looks amazing,
where did you learn to cook?
Oh please, look at you,
making your own
pasta from scratch?
You have beautiful eyes.
You have a very sexy smile.
Salut.
Saluts.
Oh, oh, god!
CHARLOTTE: Hey.
Ah, no, no!
No, it's not what you think.
I just, I didn't have
time to get dressed before...
Me too.
I want you.
Come to LA.
I'll pay for the ticket.
Look, I want to so bad,
but I looked into tickets,
they are $700.
Or we could split it,
if it feels like I
coming on too strong.
This is gonna be so amazing!
Oh my god, I can't
believe I'm here.
BRANDON: I can't
believe you're here.
CHARLOTTE: Oh, I
love your car.
BRANDON: Thanks.
(LIVELY MUSIC)
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I am done
Is it that I like you
So that's the Getty
Villa, right there.
J. Paul Getty was the
world's richest man
but he had a pay phone
for all his house guests.
Oh god, what a cheapskate.
I hate that!
Yeah.
Me too.
Hey, isn't that,
that restaurant
where all the
celebrities hang out?
BRANDON: Yeah.
CHARLOTTE: Have
you ever been there?
Sure.
Oh, I bet it's amazing.
(LIVELY MUSIC)
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
BRANDON: It's gettin'
kinda chilly, huh.
- Yeah.
- Wanna head back?
Sure.
Or, we could jump in the water.
Yeah, right.
No, I'm serious.
Come on, Charlotte, you
just ate five course meal,
you're not going for a swim.
No, come on, let's do it.
I've never even been
in the ocean before
and it would just
be like absolutely...
Hey, hey, listen to me.
We're not jumping off the pier.
(CHARLOTTE LAUGHING)
Oh, my god.
Okay, you are completely insane!
Really?
Yes, you're crazy.
And you are the most
exciting guy I've ever met.
Really?
Yeah.
(MELLOW MUSIC)
(CHARLOTTE GIGGLING)
All right, Carly, let's
see what you got me.
How does...
I don't even...
I'm not using that.
I've seen thicker dental floss.
You are one sexy
bitch, Charlotte.
And you've had sex
with a thousand men.
With a hundred men.
23, eight, eight.
You're gonna go in there and
be just a super sexy lady.
God, I look like my
mom with these things.
(MELLOW MUSIC)
CHARLOTTE: Ow!
Oh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
So you like it rough?
Huh, oh no, I was just...
'Cause I can be really rough.
Oh yeah, no, I'm rough,
I'm like super rough.
Like this kinda rough?
Ah!
Oh!
Goin' for the sexy proctologist,
yeah, no I dig that.
Yeah?
Is that all you got?
You're in luck
'cause his two friends
just decided to join the party.
(YELLING)
What're you thinking?
I was just thinking, uhm
I was just wondering,
if it's too soon to
tell him that um,
he's just the kind of man
I've always wanted to be with.
Confident and uhm,
unhesitating,
sure of what he wants.
Extremely handsome.
Well.
And um,
it's gonna break my heart
to get back on that plane.
Well, that's funny actually,
because I was
thinking that she is
the most exciting
and spontaneous person
I've met in my entire life.
Not to mention gorgeous,
bombshell, knockout
and blonde too, the
most blonde person.
(LAUGHING)
And I was actually wondering
if it's too soon
to give her this.
And to tell her that I love her.
(LIVELY MUSIC)
(YELLING AND CHEERING)
I know this is
moving insanely fast
but she's not like
the women here.
Is that a heel mark?
She's sexy and smart
and we just have
this, this connection!
What did you get
on my upholstery?
Oh, that's just saltwater.
Is that what the
kids are calling it?
You desecrated the Stang!
Dude, I'll get it
washed and waxed.
Are you listening to what
I'm saying, I'm in love.
I can clearly see
that you're excited
and I'm very happy
for you, really I am.
Okay yes.
You might wanna keep
this for your scrap book.
Oh, yes.
That's her neck.
Just smell that.
- No.
- Just smell.
- It's just a neck.
- It's not..
- It's a neutral zone.
- This is not appropriate.
BRANDON: Oh god, that's good.
And, did you do the
things that we talked about?
We did things no
one talks about.
Ooh, and how did that go?
He gave me this.
Oh, my god.
And he told me
that he loves me.
Oh, my god!
I know, and I told
him I love him too
which I know seems
like crazy and rushed
but it was just so magical.
That no good mother.
You know, good for him.
Good for him, he
deserves to be happy.
CARLY: Char...
I know what you're gonna
say and I'm gonna be fine
because I'm happy
and he's happy.
- Charlotte!
- And everybody's happy.
Charlotte!
It's gonna be,
oh my god!
(LIVELY MUSIC)
Asshole!
No, you cannot cause an
avalanche just by yodeling.
No, I am telling you,
it is completely possible.
You can't.
And even if you could,
you can't make it fall right
on a fleeing bank robber.
Schweizer Polizei Frau can.
Yeah well.
Hey, I made something at work
today, you mind taking a look?
Yeah, sure.
(LIGHT MELLOW MUSIC)
Hey, is that me?
Lookin' good.
Oh, thank you, it's beautiful.
(LAUGHING)
It would be the most
unpredictable thing ever.
It would be the
ultimate commitment.
(LIGHT MELLOW MUSIC)
Geronimo!
(LAUGHING)
We want a divorce.
Between the two of ya?
Yep.
Well, I'll be, usually,
I represent only one
party's interests.
We have the same interest.
An immediate divorce.
Well then, I reckon
we oughta discuss
dividin' property, assets...
We don't have any.
How long you two been hitched?
BRANDON AND
CHARLOTTE: 10 days.
10 days?
(MELLOW MUSIC)
BRANDON AND CHARLOTTE: Oh!
Thank you so much, Carly.
Thanks, Carly, it's awesome!
Oh, and that is from us.
Oh.
Thank you.
Aw, thank you very much, that's
so sweet, Jerry and Judy.
Thanks, Mom, thanks,
Dad, that's uh.
No, the people
of Tibet thank you.
It's such a noble
gesture in your name.
Though it has none of
the bourgeoisie cache
of a shiny kitchen appliance.
Anyway, speaking
of exotic places,
have you guys finally decided
where you're gonna
take your honeymoon?
Not yet, I'm start
teaching really soon
and we have to find a bigger
apartment or maybe a house.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
So we have to
put that on hold.
No, no, no, you must do
something special, Brandon.
Sri Lanka is lovely.
As far as exploited,
underdeveloped
island nations go.
It's really the sad teardrop
of the Indian subcontinent.
But the beaches are beautiful.
Well, that sounds
fun, right, honey?
Oh yeah, it's just a shame
about all the tsunamis.
I'll tell you what
though, for special,
there's some really great spots
right within driving distance.
I mean, San Diego,
Santa Barbara, Pismo.
Oh, what about you?
Where'd you two go
on your honeymoon?
Jail.
(LAUGHING)
JUDY: He's not kidding.
After we exchanged our vows,
we went off to a No Nukes rally,
she acted up and the
po-po picked us up
and threw us both
in the slammer.
So you spent your
whole honeymoon in jail?
We had only known
each other 10 days
so every minute we spent
together was like a honeymoon.
And we actually managed to slip
a little connubial bliss in
right under the man's nose.
So we were in
adjacent cells, right,
and right after all of the
other inmates went to sleep,
my beautiful bride, she
backed her tight little rump
right up against the bars,
I dropped trou and we made
the sweetest, sweetest love.
Oh, oh, Christ,
I need a drink!
Being an only child and
losing both my parents,
I definitely want a big family,
like three or four kids.
You know, they say, it
costs over a quarter million
to raise a child and
that's before college.
You can't put a
price tag on happiness.
True but I was an only
child and I have to say,
I was very happy.
Oh come on, Brandon.
You use to always want
a younger brother.
And a matter of fact,
Brandon was an accident.
We thought long and hard
about whether or not
we should keep him.
You were gonna put
him up for adoption?
Oh god no, I wouldn't
have the heart for that.
We were gonna abort him.
Jesus.
But we were in Burma,
we couldn't find anyone
to perform the procedure.
Thank god.
I think we made
the right decision.
I do too.
Most of the time.
JUDY: Oh, Jerry.
Hey, you know, we
better get going,
we got a flight to catch, we
gotta get to Buenos Aries.
Oh, leaving so soon?
We're gonna the Antarctica,
we're gonna scuttle some
Japanese whale killers.
If it were up to me,
I'd have those boats
sunk in the ocean
and have any remaining
survivors fed to the sharks.
I hear you, I
respect your feelings.
Now, get you things we
gotta go, we gonna be late.
Charlotte, it's been
so lovely meeting you.
Likewise.
Carly, till next time.
Okay, let's go.
She gets so blood thirsty
when it comes to the Japanese.
Those are some
weird fucking people.
Okay, I don't
know, they're unique.
It's kinda refreshing.
You need to be thankful
that their DNA
skipped a generation.
LAUGHING:
But isn't, Brandon's
pretty amazing, right?
You did good, girl.
And he can't freak if he finds
out that you're a jail bird.
'Cause with parents like that,
he was probably
conceived in the joint.
Why would you tell
Charlotte the Stang is yours?
You're the one
who told me to lie.
When you're trying to
lure her to the honey pot!
You can't keep it going
now that you're married.
It's insane.
Just let me break it
to her slowly, okay?
Can you go along with
it for a couple weeks?
Come on man, you
have another car.
Please, I'll owe you.
With what?
You don't have any money.
Which you also told me
not to tell her about.
And now she's talking about
honeymoons and houses and kids.
Well, you screwed up,
man, you took my advice.
Okay, okay, okay okay,
you can take the Stang
for a couple more weeks but, but
if I see you drive
it more than twice,
I will bring down
your house of cards.
Understood, thanks.
I'll see you at dinner.
No, this is yours now,
you have to take care of it!
Oh!
Our first dinner party
as a married couple.
Yeah.
What are you making?
Well, I thought maybe you
could make your homemade pasta.
(DAN LAUGHING)
I remember on our honeymoon,
we went to a movie in Maui
and Dan was playing
with his wedding ring,
it fell off and
rolled down the floor.
Ting, ting, ting, ting.
We had to wait till
the movie was over
and then search through
all this popcorn
and crud and found it
in a puddle of Pepsi.
DAN: She was really mad.
And then the next
week, he does it again!
And she punched me
right in the dick.
(LAUGHING)
You're lucky I
didn't divorce you.
It turned out he done
it intentionally.
Well yeah, so I had
tied it to a string
and I was pulling it along
and she kept going after it.
That was really.
(LAUGHING)
Oh god, weren't you furious?
Yes.
But then I realized
that this is who Dan is
and that's why I love him.
DAN: That's why she loves me.
He's a lovable jackass.
My ass is very jacked.
(LAUGHING)
Moving on!
Brandon, what is
your biggest regret?
My choice of best friends.
I was just being honest.
I'm just being honest.
I guess maybe not
visiting my grandpa enough
before he died.
He was living in
this nursing home
like a mile from our house and,
I don't know, I
guess I was too busy
being a teenager or something.
Anyway, I hope he forgave me.
Of course he did.
He knew you loved him.
Okay, I gonna say
what we're all thinking.
Four-way.
Hey!
Hey, how come you never
wear that necklace I gave you?
Don't you like it?
I love it.
I absolutely love it.
And you know what else I love?
That pretty little ass of yours.
(LAUGHING)
You remember the three amigos?
(LIVELY MUSIC)
Arriba!
MAN: Whoo!
(TENSE MUSIC)
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Schweitzer Polizei Frau.
(LAUGHING)
What are you working on?
Welfare application.
You?
Suicide note.
Touche.
You know, screw it!
I guess I'm gonna call
that slimy prick Matthew
and see if he'll
throw us a bone.
Oh man, that's gonna suck.
You just know he's gonna make
you feel like a pathetic,
shit-eating failure.
I'll call for you.
I'm just so glad I found it.
I had to go to 10 different
stores to find it,
and it cost $1,200.
CARLY: Oh, at that price,
I think I would have
just come clean.
Yeah, I wanted to but he
spent so much money on it,
and, I don't know, he
picked it out himself
which I think is very sweet, so.
BRANDON: So, you
must be looking forward
to getting back to work, huh?
Yes, I'm so excited to be
back in the classroom with kids.
It's gonna be nice to have
income coming in, too.
Speaking of which,
I was thinking
that we could start
planning our honeymoon.
You know, maybe go
on my spring break.
What do you think about Aruba?
Yeah, that's fine.
But what about
Catalina Island, huh?
It's 26 miles across the
sea, it is beautiful.
It's, uh, I mean, it's
where Natalie Wood drowned.
Sounds romantic.
Hey, you know what?
I think we have to have
a couple drinks tonight.
- Yeah?
- To celebrate
your last couple
of days of leisure.
What do you say?
I like that.
Let me do that.
All right, get out
there, make me proud,
show me some of those tricks.
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU:
Achtung, ladies and gentlemen,
he's about to shame,
bruise and soil himself.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Fuck!
(BRANDON GRUNTING)
CHARLOTTE: Oh my god,
Barndon, are you okay?
BRANDON: Yeah, yeah,
no, I meant to do that.
Oh god.
Hey Brandon.
I brought you a little
somethin' for the newlyweds.
Oh Mel, thank you.
MEL: Cheers.
Cheers.
Shots.
To all your lucky students.
To my sweet husband
and all my bros and hoes.
Yeah!
DJ: Excuse me
ladies and gentlemen,
can I get Charlotte
Conroy on the dance floor?
What?
Did he say my name?
I guess.
What did you tell him?
Yeah, everyone, put your
hands together right here,
Miss Charlotte, the
dancing machine, Conroy,
salsa champion, world
champion in the house tonight!
BRANDON: That's you.
What did you tell him?
I may have
exaggerated a little.
I know you didn't wanna
show off at the wedding
but now I get to see your stuff!
(UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC)
Yeah!
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: And that is all
the salsa Charlotte knows,
but tragically, she dances on.
(UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC)
Well look who's here.
The asshole who almost
smothered me to death.
Ashley?
You would still hang out
here, you cheap bastard.
I'm just kidding.
I come here too.
Ashley, I am...
You, are not still
mad at me, are you?
DJ: Okay, Charlotte, thank
you, thank you very much.
Very interesting dance.
Hey, honey.
Who's your friend?
Ashley.
Charlotte, Charlotte Conroy.
Who's that, your sister?
No, his wife.
I'm sorry, you're married?
Since when?
Four days ago.
We used to date until he
went all fainting goat on,
what the fuck?
That's my necklace!
Oh shit.
What the hell, Brandon?
Brandon?
Yeah, I left it at his place.
He never gave it back to me.
Is that true?
Told ya.
This isn't your necklace.
The hell it isn't.
Okay.
CHARLOTTE: No, I
think your necklace
I ground up in the
garbage disposal.
ASHLEY: Bullshit!
CHARLOTTE: Listen,
I was freaked out
because I found out my
ex-fiance was getting married.
Ex-fiance?
Okay, like you have
the right to speak,
you gave this skank's necklace!
Oh my god, this is hilarious.
You wanna know what I think?
You're not gonna do anything?
Stop!
Look at it this way,
most women our age
have a lot of wear
and tear on 'em
but you got her from
the original owner.
She's in mint condition.
Anyway, you really trumped
her on that necklace debacle.
What were you thinking?
I don't know, man.
Never the twain shall meet?
Okay, once, when
Rita and I were married
for maybe two months, she
asked me if this dress
she was wearing made
her butt look big.
I told her, yes, but
I like big butts.
You know, I'm a black man.
It nearly ruined us.
But it didn't.
It took some work and
that's what you gotta do, man.
You gotta make some
grand gesture, all right?
Something repentant and sweet.
Maybe a little pathetic
thrown in there
and with any luck, it will
all be forgotten about.
In a few years.
Come on.
(CAR HORN BEEPING)
God, it was so humiliating.
CARLY: So you
both screwed up.
You each take a
gimme and move on.
I just got an email from him.
(ROCKET WHIRRING)
Oh my gosh, it's so sweet!
He just sent me
the cutest apology.
CARLY: See?
He's a peach.
Do something nice for him
tonight, like really nice.
Did you get that
link I sent you?
Oh, that site was nasty.
CARLY: Exactly.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Not in the bedroom.
Get it on, get
it on, get it on
Get it on, we
have it all now
Get it on, get
in on, get it on
Lower.
Get it on, we
have it all now
Get it on, get
it on, get it on
Get it on, we
have it all now
DAN: This is ridiculous.
They've been making
this racket for hours.
What the hell are
they trying to prove?
(BRANDON AND CHARLOTTE MOANING)
Dan, maybe you
should come to bed.
Yeah, yeah, in a minute.
Mama say, mama say
It's the ride in this world
Oh, when it's
one of these days
And no, don't let
it miss it though
Like the love
Like the love, oh
Beneficial ride
On top of the world
Oh my god.
Oh, that was incredible.
Okay, I gotta pee.
(SHRIEKING)
I'm sure it's nothing serious.
You haven't had problems
down their before, have you?
Never.
NURSE: Brandon Conroy.
Hello Mr. Conroy.
BRANDON: Hi.
I'm Dr. Sahni.
Oh, yeah, I normally
see Dr. Kurtzman?
Oh, he retired five
or six months ago.
This is my first week.
Welcome.
So, what's the problem?
It's like someone took a
sand blaster to my boom stick.
Let's have a look.
Oh my god.
This looks like something I saw
in my tropical disease seminar.
How long's it been like this?
Just since this morning.
And before that,
was your penis normal
or has it always
been disfigured?
Normal, it's normal.
Do you work with
toxic chemicals?
No.
Have you recently spent
time in the African bush?
No.
Have you had sex with any
prostitutes from that region?
No!
Any exposure to monkey feces?
Monkey feces?
So, no interspecies
intercourse?
Oh, for fuck, no!
Mr. Conroy, I'm
going to need the names
of your sexual partners.
Get Dr. Palmer down here right
away to look at Mr. Conroy.
We have a possible miasmic
STD of unknown origin.
Is it that serious?
He's had sex with 21 women
in the last four years.
Go, go, go.
I've never seen
anything like this before.
It looks like a mix
of genital herpes,
syphilis and a gun shot wound.
Maybe it's a mutant hybrid?
You ask him about money feces?
I did, and negative.
Sterile swab.
Whoa.
What's up with the swab?
I'm gonna insert this into
your urethra, get a culture,
run a test and see
if we can figure out
what's goin' on with you, okay?
'Kay.
Hmm.
(BRANDON GROANING)
(SQUEAKING)
(GROANING)
Oh god.
There we go.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, we got another one.
No that's good.
I'm sure that's fine.
Come on, the three
second rule, right?
It's okay, let's try
this again, shall we?
Please no.
CHARLOTTE: Hey.
Oh sweetie, thank
god you're here.
How you doing, honey?
They don't know what I have.
Oh, I'm sure
everything will be okay
once they figure out
which one of your 21 sluts
gave you the disease!
Whatever happened to
quality over quantity?
The numbers don't matter,
I always wore condoms.
Except with you.
Oh please!
I only slept with
one man for 14 years.
But who did he
sleep with, huh?
You're so full of shit!
I'm his wife!
Oh yes, I imagined so.
I'm Dr. Dietz, now let's see
what all this
excitement's about.
You already checked for
monkey feces, right?
I did.
Mr. Conroy, you have cystitis.
Oh god.
Shit.
Commonly known as
honeymoon disease
from too much intense
sexual activity.
You just need to give
the little fellow a rest.
Avoid sex for four or five days.
Only touch it when
absolutely necessary
and you'll be right
as rain in no time.
Oh, thank god.
Oh, thank you.
You can put that down.
BRANDON: I'm sorry.
So, let me get this straight,
they swabbed your schlong
twice, yet they didn't have to?
Yeah.
(LAUGHING)
Oh boy, that is marriage
in a nutshell, ain't it?
Mrs. Halvorsen, I was just
getting ready for tomorrow.
I'm afraid there's a problem.
We just received your
background check.
You were arrested for a felony.
But I received a
deferred adjudication.
I wasn't convicted.
I was still able to
teach in West Virginia.
Obviously we hold a
higher standard here
at Van Nuys Christian.
I'm an excellent teacher,
I've been teaching for...
I'm sorry.
Maybe if you hadn't
been dishonest,
but we're going to have to
terminate your contract.
I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to lie,
I was just trying to
make a good impression.
(HUSHING)
Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to Jesus.
(STEADY GUITAR MUSIC)
You're still upset about
what happened yesterday,
aren't you?
Yeah, I mean no.
Look, we've both
make mistakes and,
I don't think we
should judge each other
for things that
happened before we met.
Yeah, no, I completely agree.
The past is the past and we
should just be looking forward
to the road ahead together.
At least it's all
out in the open now.
Look, I wanna tell you,
I need to tell you
that I agree 100%.
Good.
Oh, this is one of
my favorite episodes.
Have you seen this one?
No.
Oh, this is classic.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU:
Ah, I won a Golden Heidi
for that episode.
(CHUCKLING)
I'll be right back.
Hey, packed your
lunch for you.
Oh my god, where
did you find this?
I made it.
Knock 'em dead, honey.
I feel like such
a scam artist.
I'm not built for this
kind of deception.
Okay well, why don't you just
find another job real quick
and then tell Brandon
you got a better offer?
Finding one's not the problem.
I got an interview at 12, I
just, I mean what's the point?
They'll just vet me too.
No one's gonna let a low down
ex-con near their children.
Hmm.
Oh, I got it!
Okay, your middle
name is Lauren, right?
So why don't you spell it
L-A-U-R-A-N instead of E-N
and then your record
won't come up.
Would that really work?
I don't know.
What have you got to lose?
You know what?
Nothing, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
Thank you so much,
you're a total genius.
My car won't start.
Okay, why don't you just
call Brandon real quick
and then ask him...
I can't call Brandon
and ask him to take
me to a job interview
when I'm supposed to be in
a job that I already have!
Goodbye!
Shit.
Shit.
Take the best of me
If it sets you free
Hey, Charlotte.
Hey, Dan.
If we'll ever be again
Bye, Dan.
Bye.
Glad to have you
My love
You can have it all
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!
Goddammit!
(SOBBING)
You can have it all
Eight years
teaching first grade.
Volunteer for the Red Cross.
Girl Scout camp summer leader.
Oh, you went to UWV!
Yeah.
Proud Mountaineer here!
You too?
Teal pride.
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, is Professor
Vassic still there?
Oh yes, I loved
him, he was amazing.
Well, then I know you
have an excellent education.
Actually Mrs. Newton,
there's something
I need to tell you.
AL: Hey, Brandon.
Hey, bro.
Look, there's no easy
way to say this, man.
A senior project
manager over at Plan C
is moving to London,
so Matthew called and
offered me the job.
What can I say, man?
I'm a weasel.
I'm a weasel and I'm a sellout.
Well, thanks.
No bullshit, I fought for you.
I swear, man.
Look, I'm old.
I got alimony
payments up the wang.
You can still use the
office, if you want.
Nah, it's your garage and all.
Yeah, and so, I just wanted
to be completely up front.
I appreciate your
candor, Charlotte.
And I'd like to think we're
a little more forgiving
than the Christians over at
Van Nuys Christian School.
So, I'll get back to you.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
Hi, I need to report a
stolen, or a missing car.
I don't know where is,
I don't know the
license plate number.
Look, it's a Mustang,
it's really old.
There can't be
that many of them.
Look, I was really hoping
you can help me find this car
before my husband finds
out that it's missing.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, my god. (SOBBING)
Call Brandon Conroy.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah.
No, stop, stop!
No, please stop, stop!
Hey!
Charlotte, are you okay?
Charlotte!
Charlotte, Charlotte!
Dan.
Dan, something
horrible has happened.
What?
Brandon's Mustang was stolen!
No, not the Mustang!
Yeah, he is gonna be furious.
Did you call the police?
Yes and when I didn't know
the license plate number,
they just laughed at me.
Do you happen to
know the number?
Yes, I do.
(YELLS)
Why does he have that
stupid car anyways?
But I thought you loved it.
Yeah, I mean it's fun to
cruise around in sometimes
but I mean come on,
it's ridiculous.
It's just some
loud, gas guzzling,
middle-aged-mobile for
men with tiny dicks.
Come with me.
Charlotte Conroy,
I need to see her!
Oh my god, they
brought it back.
No, I had a GPS tracker on it.
Oh my god, oh my god, Dan,
thank you, thank you so much.
You totally saved my life!
Wait, why do you have a...
It's mine, it's
mine, Charlotte.
It's always been mine.
It wasn't stolen, I
just took it back.
But the car
belongs to Brandon.
No, it doesn't.
He borrowed it from me.
I guess he was trying
to impress you.
Why would that impress me?
I don't know, maybe because
it makes him look cool
and a little less broke.
Brandon is broke?
I shouldn't say
anything, I'm so sorry.
He's worse than broke.
He's in debt, calamitous,
crushing debt!
You know what, you know, I'm
glad I'm saying something,
this is for his own good.
I feel better.
Charlotte no
longer works here.
What?
We had to let her go.
She has a felony for
assault and battery.
It's shocking that
someone so well-mannered
could be so vicious.
(TENSE MUSIC)
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, what was up with
that phone call today?
Oh, sorry, someone
almost backed into my car.
Oh.
But you're okay now?
Oh yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's good.
So how was work?
Good day with all the kids?
Yeah, great.
How about you?
Make lots of money?
Yeah.
That's good.
By the way, your Aunt
Sallie Mae wrote.
She'd like her $56,000 back.
Why are you going
through my mail?
Well, don't you
mean our mail, dear?
We're married and
we share everything.
Including a butt-load of debt.
Huh, you wanna share?
Okay, let's share.
Tell me all about the felony
you committed, darling.
What?
You know, the thing
you lost your job over.
You don't understand.
No, I think I do.
Assault and battery.
It's right there in the title.
Pretty self-explanatory.
It was my ex-fiance.
Oh, well that should
help me sleep at night.
It was an accident!
And you know what,
I wasn't convicted.
And at least I paid my debt
to society, unlike you.
Student loans aren't a crime.
They are if you
don't pay them!
Whoa, please don't
stab me with your shiv.
They'll send you back to
the joint, sweetheart.
At least there, you
know who people are.
Then why don't
you call the warden
and get your old bunk back.
I have let a
lot of shit slide.
Like what?
You don't know the
first thing about cooking.
Philip Seymour Hoffman
is not the quarterback
of the San Diego Chargers
and you, sir, are
no Lance Armstrong.
Three words.
Salsa, dancing, champion.
Oh, and how long did you think
that you could pretend
that stupid car was yours?
Goddamn, Dan!
And the worst part,
the worst part is that you
make made me look like a idiot
in front of Dan and Rita.
Like the only friends that I
have in this miserable place.
Hey, you make me
look like an idiot too.
I didn't know who I married.
Are you this sweet
adorable school teacher
or a deranged grifter
come to ruin my life?
Well, if you
really feel that way,
then maybe, maybe, maybe
we should both admit
that we made a mistake
and then just split ways!
You know what,
maybe we should!
Yeah?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Fine!
Fine!
Fine!
LAWYER: How long
you two been hitched?
BRANDON AND
CHARLOTTE: 10 days.
10 days?
Are you celebrities
of some sort?
No.
Peculiar.
So, how do we get
this thing started?
First of all, let me be clear,
I'm actin' as a
neutral third party
helpin' to negotiate
a fair settlement.
There's nothing to negotiate.
We're in complete
divorce agreement.
That's the only thing
we're in agreement on.
Fair enough, I'll
draw up the contract
and y'all can come back
next Thursday and sign it.
Thursday?
Why not today?
Don't you have some
generic forms lyin' around,
like divorcezoom.com?
Generic forms?
Every divorce is unique.
Regardless of race, religion
or sexual preference.
Now how would you
like to handle my fee?
We'll split it.
You got that much or do
you need to get another loan?
You're sure Thursday's
the best you can do?
So, where you staying?
What?
It's my apartment.
I gave up my job, my home
and best friend for you.
I'm not leaving the apartment
and I'm not paying you rent.
Well, you'd better start
cooking or cleaning or,
doing something.
CHARLOTTE: Asshole!
And your car sucks!
When I watch I wake
up in the morning
Forgetting the love
from the night before
Was it whiskey who kissed me
And promised to be
my lover forevermore
If I could live
in this dream
'Cause I've long
Have I long for you too long
Sorry for loving
you, darling
I'm moving along
CARLY: I'm so sorry Char.
Men are such turds.
Said I'm sorry for
loving you darling
I'm moving along
(GUNSHOT BANGS)
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(GUNSHOTS BANG)
So, then you wanna
subtract the top number
from the other one
you got right there.
Okay.
You go it!
Awesome, good job!
Sue me for loving
you darling
I'm moving along
I said sue me for loving you
I'll just be moving along
(YODELING)
DAN: Have a great
day in your work.
Love you.
All I wanna do
is be good to you
And you say you don't
know if you want it
If want me to be back
No, I haven't done much
any animated porn but
I am a fast learner
and I love animation,
and porn, so win-win.
Okay, well please
keep me in mind.
Thank you.
For loving you
I'll just be moving along
FAMILY: Surprise!
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday, son!
Wow, I didn't expect...
How's the Antarctica?
Amazing!
Your mother was the hero.
She devised a scheme to foul
the prop on the Nisshin Maru.
JUDY: And your father
was shot in the balls
by one of the
Japanese deckhands.
With a rubber bullet.
It swelled up like coconuts.
I've got a lovely
bunch of coconuts.
Lookin' good boy.
JUDY: So good to see you.
JERRY: Yeah, so good.
Hey, what'd you tell them?
About what?
About us, about the divorce.
When?
They haven't stopped
talking since they got here.
Oh, thank god.
You're gonna
have to tell them.
Well, not tonight,
it's my birthday.
Plus it's humiliating.
They're marriage
has lasted 32 years
and ours lasted about as
long as a Hobbit movie.
JERRY: Happy birthday, son.
My charitable works
continue, I see.
What's this?
Two tickets to Tahiti for an
all inclusive stay at Brando.
It's a luxury eco-resort.
I could have been a contender.
Because my boy and
his beautiful bride
deserve the absolute best
honeymoon the money can buy.
Speaking of honeymoons,
you know your father
and I are undergoing
a bit of a second one right now.
Let's just say, we're
experiencing a refreshed sense
of sexual energy.
Exploring our aging bodies.
So many delicious new
cavities to explore.
Well, it's a very
thoughtful gift
and I thank you very much.
It's thoughtful,
isn't it, Charlotte?
Yeah, yeah, thank you so much.
Okay, let's have a photo.
Hold up your present.
This isn't the Middle
East peace talks.
How about a kiss?
Lovely.
(STEADY JAZZ MUSIC)
I'm sensing a little
bit of disharmony.
I'm sorry, I'm
just feeling a bit...
Yeah, I know, is it Brandon?
You know, because
he's a sweet boy
but he can also be a
massive pain in the ass.
Trust me, I know.
It's not just him.
It's just that we,
you know, we both weren't as
honest as we should have been.
Ah.
Well, I remember
when Jerry and I met.
He thought I was a
democrat and a virgin.
(LAUGHING)
The truth is, I was
in love with Reagan
and I'd slept with half the
boys in the neighborhood.
So, you?
Well, I told him what I
thought he wanted to hear
which was not the truth, I...
You...
Lied, yes, guilty as charged.
But when I met him, I
knew he was special.
So all of this nonsense just
came babbling out of me.
And how did you?
I eventually found the courage
to tell him what was in
my head and in my heart.
And that's been the
glue of our relationship
from that day forward.
You sure you don't
want some of this?
It's Peruvian hog's breath.
They grow it above three line.
Sweet.
Nah, I'm good, thanks, Dad.
I'm not really in the mood.
Why so glum, Sunny Jim?
I don't know, Dad.
Marriage is hard.
You have a keen
grasp of the obvious.
I think mine was just a
bad idea from the start.
Brandon, not a day goes
by that I don't ask myself,
did I do the right thing
marrying that woman?
That's not very romantic, Dad.
It is when the
answer is always yes.
(THUDDING)
(JERRY AND JUDY MOANING)
Oh, my god.
(JERRY AND JUDY MOANING)
CHARLOTTE: Oh,
no, no, no, no, no.
(THUDDING)
(CHUCKLING)
(MELLOW MUSIC)
JUDY: Sweetie, what's wrong?
Are you okay?
Yeah, Mom, I know, I'm fine.
I just have a
headache, that's all.
JERRY: I think I
have something for that.
Well, you've always got
somethin' for somethin'.
Great, why do you
have a DEA property room
around your waist?
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: Oh, I would love
to make this bust.
Window Pane acid, peyote,
shrooms, mescaline, ecstasy,
hashish and Viagra.
It's our mobile first aid kit.
Recently replenished
in Tierra del Fuego.
You know, they have a
very enlightened attitude
towards psychotropics.
Here it is.
Ginger root.
Yeah, Dad, don't
you have any Advil?
Advil.
That's fuckin' poison.
(PHONE RINGING)
Ow, shit!
Ow, god.
What?
BONNIE: Good
morning, Charlotte,
this is Bonnie Newton from the
Culver City Charter School.
Is this a good time?
Yeah, yeah, definitely, hi.
BONNIE: Good, well,
we're having a gathering
this afternoon with
some of the board.
I thought it might help
your cause if you attended
and demonstrated to
everyone what a solid,
upstanding, young woman you are.
Yeah, I would
love to, thank you.
BONNIE: Well, we
West Virginia gals
have to stick together.
(GIGGLING)
I'll email you the details.
Okay, great.
BONNIE: Oh, and
bring that charming
and supportive husband of yours.
Yeah, of course,
thank you, yeah.
I'll will see you there, thanks.
BONNIE: Bye.
First, you want me
to tell my parents
we're getting divorced
and now, you want me to go
to a garden party and pretend
we're happily married?
Brandon, just please.
If I get this job, then
I'll have enough money
and I can move out.
Okay.
That makes sense.
So nice to see you again.
Oh, Charlotte.
Hi.
BONNIE: So glad you
could make it, dear.
Thank you for having us.
You're welcome.
Mrs. Newton, this
is my husband Brandon.
Very nice to meet you.
And this is our host
and head of the board,
Dr. Glenn Wooster and his
mother,
- Lilian Cavendish Wooster.
- Nice to meet you.
(MELLOW ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
You know, Charlotte has
been teaching first grade
for over eight years.
You don't find it challenging
to be around children all day?
Oh, god no, I just
love kids so much.
They're so honest
and entertaining.
I have this one student, Emily,
every day, anywhere she went,
she always had her two
Barbie dolls at her side.
And on her birthday, I
asked her what she wanted
and she told me, she
want more Barbies.
And so I asked
Emily, I was like,
well, you already have
Barbies, why do you need more?
And he said, because my
Barbies smoke and drink
way too much.
(LAUGHING)
Excuse me.
Sure.
So I just, I don't know.
They are so much fun
and you never know
what they're gonna
say or do next.
AL: Brandon, I
bear good tidings.
I just got you a full-time
gig working with me
over here at Plan C,
as promised, buddy.
Now, please go find a toilet,
lest you shit yourself with joy
when I tell you how much
you're getting paid.
Okay, bye.
(LAUGHING)
It was so great to meet you.
Good luck.
Thank you.
BRANDON: Hey.
Hey.
Got you a beer.
Thanks.
You know, I really
don't like beer.
Really?
Yeah.
Neither do I.
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI
FRAU: At last the truth.
American beers
taste like shizer.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Mr. Wooster, I don't
know what the philosophy
of your school is
but my wife and I
are big supporters
of constructivism.
Yes, you know, we
really like the notion
that the teacher are
facilitating the students
to interact among themselves.
Instead of merely
lecturing at them
as they sit and becoming
passive listeners.
And having the
students realize
that everyone has
something to contribute.
Everyone has a value.
You must have
read our website.
No, we have a son
who attended a school
that was based on
constructivism.
And we could not be happier
with the way he turned out.
Cheers.
I think you made a
very good impression.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome, keep it up.
And by the way, your
in-laws are fabulous.
Yeah, they're something.
Oh, my daughter's here!
She's visiting from Morgantown.
Hi, honey.
ANAIS: Hey, Mom.
BONNIE: Hi, sweetie.
Charlotte Conroy, I'd like to
introduce you to my daughter,
Anais, and her husband, Steven.
ANAIS: Hi, there.
Steven.
So predictable.
Sex, missionary position.
(STEVEN SCREAMING)
CHARLOTTE: Asshole!
Pleasure to meet you.
Purse is in the dishwasher.
STEVEN: Mother,
this is wonderful.
So lovely what you
put together here.
Grilled shrimp?
I guess it must have
taken you a very long time
to ride back from Rwanda.
Ah!
Sorry, will you excuse me.
Hey, honey, look at that.
Let's go for a walk.
Hey, you feelin' okay?
Do you wanna play doctor?
Okay, Charlotte,
what is going on here?
I forgot to feed my cat.
Oh, boy!
Charlotte, talk to me.
Charlotte, hey.
Brandon.
What the hell are
you two doing here?
We came to help Charlotte.
This is very important to her.
We know.
We know everything.
That's why we come here,
we don't want you to
make a terrible mistake
and throw away your soul
partner before the cosmos...
Wait a second.
Wait a minute.
Are you two high?
Brandon!
Of course we are.
Oh my god.
You don't think
that we would turn up
to something like this straight.
We've been fighting these
people our entire lives
with their bourgeoisie
pretentiousness.
And anal bleaching.
Would you folks care
for some conflict-free
Ugandan artichoke confit
on lardo brushed crostini?
No.
I'm so sorry.
Mrs. Conroy.
How's the new bride?
Couldn't be better.
Do I sense
trouble in paradise?
Not now, Steven.
Charlotte, this isn't you.
CHARLOTTE: What?
What do you mean?
I am so sorry.
I hurt you very badly and your
life has taken an ugly turn,
I apologize.
You obviously married the
first guy you met after me.
Where was it?
A dating website?
Singles bar?
Old Navy?
No, eBay.
Good god.
You bought a husband online?
No, we met online, and then
fell in love and got married.
And not after 14 years, Steven.
Not all the changes are bad.
The clothes.
The hair.
Do you think about
me, Charlotte?
'Cause I think about you.
Of course, I think about you.
We spent half our
lives together.
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC)
The whale song.
The whale song, the mating
cry of the humpback.
Let's get you into
the house, mother,
and you can take
a nice little nap.
How dare you?
Let's go, mother.
Oh, I miss your
father so much!
Steven?
Yes.
You're such an asshole.
Is that all it took?
You want me now that
I'm with someone else?
There's more to it
than that, Charlotte.
Oh yeah, really, like what?
And you'd really better be quick
because my husband is
right outside that door.
And your wife, that poor woman.
I mean, you don't
even understand.
Anais, she is so spontaneous
and unpredictable.
One minute, we're
snowboarding in Telluride,
the next we are making love
in a Mexican agave field.
I miss your predictability.
I miss the quiet, boring
times, the unimaginative sex,
all of it.
I never appreciated
it until it was gone.
Well, it's not coming back.
Ever.
Hey, hey, I just
got a new job in DC.
Let's leave these two horrible,
disgusting mistakes behind
and get back to our old lives.
My husband is not a mistake.
Yes, we rushed into marriage
and things haven't been perfect
and after 10 ridiculous days,
things are just blowing
up in our faces, but
there have been moments,
in between all the lies
and the bullshit where
I've loved him more
than anybody in my entire life.
Including you.
So it's over.
Perfect.
No, Steven.
Hey, I dare you to
kiss me one more time
and tell me you don't love me.
(GRUNTS)
Ow!
Oh, fuck.
Sorry, Steven.
But as we say in the
yard, I gotta do me.
So fuck all y'all if
you can't appreciate it!
Huh!
Mr. Wooster, I wanna
apologize for earlier.
My wife threw her back out
and I was giving
her an adjustment.
Anyway, we really
love the school
and we'd like to make
a small donation.
I don't see how that's
gonna make any difference.
This is very generous.
Thank you very much.
I'm gonna find Mrs. Newton
and tell her the good news.
Wasn't that check for Brandon?
Our son's not very
good with money anyway
so it doesn't matter.
And an investment
in her future.
Is an investment
in their future.
Did you mean what
you said in there?
Yes.
No, maybe.
I don't know.
JERRY: Hey.
Hey.
Wow, looks like you could
use a little first aid,
my friend.
(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
PEGAVERNEIUS: All hail,
all hail the chosen one.
Who said that?
PEGAVERNEIUS:
It is I my lord,
Pegaverneius Candoe of
the Nexus Space and Guild.
I have traveled nearly
12 parsecs to find you.
Okay.
PEGAVERNEIUS: You
are the rightful heir
to the throne of Nargathus.
The star child as foretold
in our prophesies.
A magnificent creature
of unlimited wisdom
and breath taking
physical perfection.
Yeah.
I get that.
PEGAVERNEIUS: The
great epiphany is at hand.
Reveal your magnificence
to the members
of the Culver City Charter
School Board,
and then the world.
Let them kowtow at your feet.
Worship you.
Tremble at you your
unlimited power.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
I must tell you how
delighted we all are
about the substantial
donation from your in-laws.
Well, they are very
surprisingly generous people.
Well, I can tell you,
there's a lot we can
do with those funds.
Loyal subjects!
I am your unicorn king!
By the powers vested in me
through the flames of Asinoff,
I command you, kneel, kneel
before your unicorn king.
GUEST: That guys
I fucking crazy.
The time in neigh,
the season is in bloom,
I call upon you
subjects to step forth
and harvest this royal seed.
(GRUNTING)
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
Steven, what the
hell are you doing?
Fair Anais, Steven is no more.
Your milk has soured.
Oh, Momma!
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
Look upon me as I raise
the imperial scepter.
CHILD: Mommy,
that man is nasty.
Prepare to receive me!
(THUDS)
MAN: Bam!
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
GUEST: That has to hurt.
(APPLAUDING)
And, as I was saying,
could you come in on Monday?
Oh, we would be honored
to have a young woman
of your character at
Culver City Charter.
I'd love to!
Thank you so much.
Oh my god, thank you.
Thank you.
What in the world
got into Steven?
I don't know.
Any ideas?
Food poisoning perhaps?
I think the artichoke confit
looked a little sketchy.
Since there's no dispute
over assets or property,
just sign and it's done.
You'll never have to
see one another again.
That line right there, the
one with your name next to it.
I know.
On second thought, I want
the Chinese rocket statue.
Alrighty.
If you agree, Mr.
Conroy, we're done here.
No.
No, I can't part with that.
Well, what if y'all
shared joint custody?
Each of you take it for
a week or two at a time?
No, that won't work.
Can you just buy
a second statue?
That way, y'all can
each have your own.
No.
No, it's one of a kind.
Well bless your hearts.
I don't mean to be rude
but I've gotta be
gettin' out to Malibu.
I'm havin' lunch at Gerard's.
Try the lobster,
it's delicious.
And not cheap.
Can we please get
this thing goin'?
Hey, don't rush
our divorce, man.
Yeah.
You know, maybe we
should get lunch, too.
Yeah, I mean, we shouldn't
do this on an empty stomach.
Right.
Now, hold on a second.
What about your signatures?
Damn it to hell.
The wheels are
comin' off the wagon.
This divorce is fallin' apart.
- I blame her.
- It's his fault.
(MELLOW MUSIC)
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC)
This ends now.
I'm getting out of here
and you're not stopping me!
(THUDS)
SCHWEITZER POLIZEI FRAU:
An so concludes our story.
Poor Charlotte and Brandon,
their journey has
taught them nothing.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Did I slap you too hard?
Nein baby, it was just right.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(LIGHT LIVELY MUSIC)
We found each
other far from home
Without a shelter
from the cold
And we took each other
With our arms on
everything that we own
Now I know, I
couldn't go it alone
Now I know, I
couldn't go it alone
Though it's such
a winding road
Traversing what
we not be known
Time was by the game
Played it while I
watched you grow
Now I know, I
couldn't play it alone
Now I know, I
couldn't go it alone
I know that I could
never go it alone
I know that I
Could never go it alone
Summer's coming, winter's go
Years flow by, you know
Bones are getting sleepy
But I keep on keeping
on 'cause you know
I could never keep it alone
I know I couldn't
go it alone
Though the destination
meet the point
It's just the end
But there's all
road to salvation
There's much to learn,
the pride it bring
I know that I could
never go it alone
And I know that I
Could never go it alone
Ooh
And I know
'Cause I know
That I could
never go it alone
There you are
The woman of my
dreams and so it seems
Here we are
Forgetting all the
things we said we were
The way we weren't
And what we might've been
Is nothing compared
to this love we're in
And I know I'm not the
only one who agrees
You know what it's like
What it's like to be
To be in love
Now, we know what
it's really like
To be in love
Now, we know what
it's really like
Here we are
Listening to terrible advice
Some strategy
We're making this
connection for a price
The way we weren't
And what we might've been
Is nothing compared
to this love we're in
And love, even in
this troubled time
Yes, love can
reach 3,000 miles
And I know I'm not the
only one who breeze
You know what it's like
What it's like to be
To be in love
Now, we know what
it's really like
To be in love
Now, we know what
it's really like
To be in love
Now, we know what
it's really like
To be in love
Now, we know what
it's really like
Here you are
The woman of my
dreams and I'm in love
I see you understand sign
language.