2
Ever had
one of those nights
that starts out like any other, but ends
up being the best night of your life?
It was June the 22nd,
1990, our final day of school.
There was Oliver Chamberlain, Peter Page,
Steven Prince, Andy Knightley and me.
They called me The King.
Because my name's Gary King.
Ollie was funny, he fancied himself as a bit
of a player, but really, he was all mouth.
We called him O-Man
because he had a birthmark on his
forehead that looked like a six.
He loved it.
Pete was the baby
of the group.
He wasn't the kind of kid we'd usually
hang outwith, but he was good for a laugh.
And he was absolutely minted.
Steve was a pretty cool guy. We
jammed together, chased the girls.
I think he saw us as rivals.
Sweet, really.
And Andy.
Andy was my wingman.
The one guy I could rely
on to back me up.
He loved me, and I'm not being
funny, but I loved him, too.
There was nothing we were
gonna miss about school-
Maybe Mr. Shepherd.
He was definitely
one of the good guys.
He used to ask me what I
wanted to do with my life.
I told him I just wanted
to have a good time.
He thought that was funny.
It wasn't meant to be.
Not that night.
Newton Haven was our hometown.
Our playground, our universe.
And that night it was the
site of a heroic quest.
The aim? To conquer
The Golden Mile.
Twelve pubs along a legendary
path of alcoholic indulgence.
There was The First Post,
The Old Familiar,
The Famous Cock, The Cross
Hands, The Good Companions,
The Trusty Servant, The Two Headed
Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive,
The King's Head,
The Hole in the Wall...
All before reaching our
destiny, The World's End.
We took my car into town.
I called it The Beast
because she was pretty hairy.
And so, our journey into manhood began.
We were off.
We didn't waste any time.
We hit pub one
and we hit it hard.
There was drinking, there was
fun, there was controversy,
there were ladies, there
were shots, there was drama,
and of course,
there was drinking.
By pub five,
we were feeling invincible
and decided to purchase
some herbal refreshment
from a man we called
The Reverend Green.
Pint six put O-Man out of commission,
so we carried on without him.
Good thing, I bumped into
his sister in the next pub,
we went into the disableds
and I bumped into her again.
Sam tagged along for a while,
but then I had to let her go.
I had another date that night
and her name was Amber.
Nine pints in and it was us
against the world.
Things got mental
in The Beehive,
so we repaired to
the bowls club
or as we liked to call it, The Smokehouse,
which is when it all went fuck up.
Everyone got para and Pete chucked
a whitey, so we had to bench him.
In the end, we blew off the last
three pubs and headed for the hills.
I remember sitting up there,
blood on my knuckles, beer down
my shirt, sick on my shoes,
seeing the orange glow
of a new dawn break
and knowing in my heart, life
would never feel this good again.
And you know what?
It never did.
Thank you, Gary.
That was very enlightening.
Would anyone like to add anything
or maybe challenge Gary?
Are you disappointed?
About what? That you didn't
make it to The World's End?
No.
Just what is it
that you want to do?
We want to be free!
We want to be free to do
what we want to do!
And we want to get loaded. And
we want to have a good time.
And that's what
we're going to do.
We're going to have
a good time.
We're going to have a party.
Just what is it
that you want to do?
And we want to get loaded.
And we want to have a good time.
She's a beauty.
Yeah, but she's no Beast.
Hello, Peter.
Jesus! Gary?
The once and future King.
Were you outside my
house this morning?
No.
I could have sworn
I saw you on my street.
I've never been
to Bishop's Gardens.
How you doing, man?
I'm well. You?
Yeah, never better.
How is, uh...
Vanessa?
No. Your wife?
Vanessa.
Yeah. How's she?
She's good.
Have you had sex yet?
We have two children.
Ooh, twice. Get you, fuck machine.
We haven't changed, have we?
What is he doing here?
It's all right, Dad.
We're fine.
Hi, Mr. P.
So, Gary,
how can I help you?
He looks well. Are you
looking to buy a car?
Uh... No.
I'm afraid the end is nigh.
What?
The World's End.
What do you mean?
You know what I mean. One night.
Five guys. Twelve pubs.
Let battle commence.
You want to try
that again?
Yeah, isn't that something
you've always wanted?
Not particularly. No.
Look. Peter.
We didn't make it before, but this time, we're
gonna see it through to the bitter end.
Or lager end.
We?
Yeah, the whole gang.
Even Andy? Why wouldn't
Andy be coming?
Well, I thought that after the accident...
Not an issue. He's in.
What we wanna
know is are you?
I'd have to check
with Vanessa.
Who's Vanessa?
My wife.
Since when have you had to
check with your wife?
Since we got married.
Oh, come on, man,
don't you miss it?
The laughs, the
camaraderie, the fights,
the hangovers so fierce it feels
like your head is full of ants.
Maybe the first two.
It begins.
What's your new number?
Same one I've had
for 10 years.
Yeah. What's that one?
This entire row here, they'll all have
dormer windows above the front elevation.
Who's the helmet
without an helmet?
That's Gary King.
Knock, knock.
What are you
doing here, Gary?
You're supposed to say,
"Who's there?"
I can see who's there.
It's you.
I like what you've done
with the place. Bit draughty.
How's Selina?
We divorced 10 years ago.
Yeah, I know, just
wondered how she was.
She's doing very well,
apparently.
Have you got anyone
else on the go?
Yeah, I do, as it happens. She's a
fitness instructor. Twenty-six.
Pedophile. I'm kidding.
I'd love to meet her sometime.
No. Why are you here?
Haven't you heard? We're getting
the band back together.
I'm not your
bass player anymore.
No, I mean we're getting
the boys back together.
We can get the band back
together as well if you want.
No, we can't. You sold
my guitar to buy drugs.
I've always wondered, what's
that thing over the door called?
That's a lintel.
So, the plan is, we're going
to go back to Newton Haven,
we are gonna do
The Golden Mile
and this time, we are gonna
make it to The World's End.
Everybody's in.
What, even Andy?
Oh, you better
believe it, big balls.
Andy is going drinking with you?
With us.
Think about it, go back to the
old town, sink a few pints...
Twelve pints.
Yeah.
Twelve pints is insane.
I know!
What is this
all about, Gary?
It's about closure,
you know.
Why should getting older affect
something as important as friendship?
A lot's changed since then, Oliver.
Right.
This is our chance
to take stock.
A stock take?
You make it sound so much fun.
Come on, O-Man. Isn't that
something you'd like?
What I'd really like is for you
to take your DMs off the sofa.
Look. If you're worried about
me, don't be. All right?
I'm here to tell you that Gary
King is back on the horse.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're back on the horse?
No, I mean
I'm back on the bike.
What is bike?
What do you mean?
What is bike slang for?
Bicycle.
I'm lost.
Don't be.
Okay.
Listen.
This is our chance to finally
finish what we started.
Come on, man,
it'll be fucking mental!
I think we're all done.
So...
How do you like
the property?
Yeah. It's amazing.
Amazing location.
Fantastic.
Fantastic aspects.
It's just... It's just a little
bit out of our price range.
He'll knock some off for you.
What's it down for?
1.2 million.
Fuck off!
You have my card.
Gary, WTF?
It's good to see you,
too, O-Man.
Please don't call me O-Man.
Sure.
Hey, how's your sister?
She's fine.
She talk about me?
No.
So, Friday, we'll all
go down together.
Make a road trip of it,
I'll drive.
Don't think I can. I think I've
got a doctor's appointment.
Yeah, you do.
With Dr. Ink!
You know, Dr. Ink?
Yeah. "Drink." I get it.
Come on. It wouldn't be the
same without the O-Man.
Jesus.
You can see the guys, see how they're doing.
Tell them how you're doing.
You never know, you might
make it to the end this time.
And Andy's definitely coming?
Yeah.
Andy Knightley?
Totes.
And you convinced him how?
Mr. Knightley.
Felicity.
You have a friend
here to see you.
No, I don't.
This is a bit grown up, isn't it?
Yup.
Saw the boys the other day.
Mmm-hmm.
O-Man, Stevie-Baby,
the Petertron.
Yeah, I remember the names of
our childhood friends, Gary.
We had ourselves
a little idea.
Did you now?
Yeah. We're going to go
back to Newton Haven.
Why? For some
unfinished business.
That's a joke, right?
Five guys. Twelve pubs. Fifty pints.
Sixty pints.
Steady on,
you fucking alky.
I haven't had a drink
for 16 years, Gary.
You must be thirsty then.
We can go back, see the guys, chew the
fat, it'll be just like it always was,
except this time we're going to
finish this thing once and for all.
You have a very selective
memory, Gary. Thanks.
You remember
the Friday nights.
I remember the
Monday mornings.
Yeah, that's why we're
going back on a Friday.
Why do you think none of
us live in Newton Haven anymore?
I don't know. Because it's a black hole.
It's boring.
It always was
and it always will be.
It's only boring
because we're not there.
It's pointless arguing with you.
Exactly. So come.
I'm picking everybody up from High
Wycombe station, Friday, 3:00 sharp.
No, Gary.
Oh, God, why? Have you got
to check with your missus?
No, actually, I don't have
to check with my missus.
What are you doing?
I'm showing you the door.
Is it a door?
it doesn't have a lintel.
And it's glass. So is it a
window or is it a door?
Maybe it's a windoor.
You can have that.
Please leave, Gary.
All right. All right.
600, wasn't it?
Oh, um, I thought you should know.
What?
Mum died.
When?
Couple of weeks ago.
The big cancer.
I'm sorry.
She just always really
liked you, you know.
Got me thinking
about the old days.
Particularly that night, you
know, because we were so happy.
And, you know, I love
the boys like brothers,
but when all's said and done,
you're the best friend I ever had.
It was good to
see you, mate.
Pete?
Steven. Thank God.
I had a horrible feeling I was
going to be the only one here.
I reckon that's not the last horrible
feeling you're gonna have today, mate.
This can't be happening.
Can it?
You said it. What the
hell are we doing here?
What we always did.
Follow Gary King into
almost certain oblivion.
Hello, Steven.
You all right, mate?
Pete. Hi, mate.
Didn't we decide to stop calling him
Fearless Leader somewhere around 1992?
Old habits die hard.
They'll be putting that
on Gary's tombstone.
No, they won't.
You know he'll outlive us all.
That'd be funny
if it wasn't true.
Hang on a sec.
What?
I'm just trying to decide which of
us is the biggest idiot for coming.
Maybe he had an accident.
Oh, sorry, Andy.
Sorry. No,no,no. It's fine.
I think Gary having
an accident
would actually be the best outcome
for all of us, including Gary.
Unbelievable.
Oh, yes.
Look at these cunts.
You're late.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, you are. You said 3:00.
It's almost 4:00.
Yeah, 3 for 4.
You know your problem, Gary?
You're never wrong.
How is that a problem?
I can't believe you bought
another Granada Mark ll.
What do you mean?
This looks exactly like
the car I sold you in 1989.
This is the car you sold me in 1989.
Best 300 quid I ever spent.
This is The Beast?
Yeah.
Pretty much. I mean, she's
had a bit of work done.
I had to replace the brakes,
suspension, exhaust, seats, wheels,
paneling, carburetor, manifold, the whole
engine, really, mirrors, headlamps.
Other than that,
she's the same old motor.
You could almost
say an antique.
Well, then let's get this
antique on the roadshow.
Come on, you bellends.
We're going to be late.
And we're back.
Just like the Five Musketeers.
Three Musketeers,
isn't it?
Four if you count
D'Artagnan.
Well, nobody knows how many there
were, really, do they, Pete?
I mean,
history's a sketchbook.
You do know that The Three
Musketeers is a fiction, right?
Written by Alexandre Dumas?
A lot of people are saying that
about the Bible these days.
What, that it was written by
Alexandre Dumas?
Don't be daft, Steve,
it was written by Jesus.
Oh. Anyway, five
sounds much better.
I think they missed a trick
only having three.
'Cause you'd have five, then two could've
died and they'd still have three left.
Are we there yet?
Let's do this!
Soup Dragons!
I remember this one.
I put this on a tape
for you, didn't I?
Yeah, this is it.
This is the tape?
Yeah, yeah! Look, look.
Where did you find it?
it was in the tape player.
Oh, look. Is anyone hungry?
I need a piss actually.
This is a long piss.
If it is a piss.
Might be a little...
Poo.
How is that a poo?
Still work for your old man, Pete?
Yeah. I'm a partner now.
You?
Yeah, started my own firm in '98.
Got bought out in '05.
I'm happier, though.
It's less stress.
Ollie?
Property.
I co-manage a boutique estate
agency in North London.
Very competitive.
Is it family law you're in, Andy?
Corporate.
Does anyone know
what Gary's doing?
He's playing Need For Speed.
Over there.
Come on, come on,
come on!
He hasn't changed, has he?
I don't know. He did finally
pay me back that 600.
Really? He borrowed 200 off me.
And me.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe you'd do that!
Oh! Of course I can.
It's just robbing
Peter to pay Paul.
No, I borrowed it from Peter to pay you.
I still owe Paul.
Oh, shit.
Newton Haven.
Take a moment to look upon it in its original
colors, boys, for tonight we paint it red.
Oh, no, no, no. Shit.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck.
Oh, no, it's okay,
I did it all in the services.
Know why I pulled
you over, sir?
Was the music too loud?
Your left brake light is faulty.
Oh!
The old brake lights! So called
because they're always breaking.
I'll get that sorted out,
Officer.
Can I see your license, sir?
Yup.
Ah!
You know what?
It's in my wallet.
And I left that
at the bloody gym!
Any other form of identification?
No, it's all in my sports bag.
That's bloody typical,
isn't it? Um...
I'll give you my name and address, you
can run me through the old system.
Go on then.
It's Peter Page.
48 Bishop's Gardens,
London, N2 T12.
Jesus, Gary! WTF? Why did
you give him my name?
I'm not gonna give
him my name, am I?
Suppose I get done
by the police?
You won't get done
by the police.
Gary, he will check the number
plate against his name!
I know. Why do you think
I gave him Pete's name?
Jesus Christ, Gary, I own a car showroom.
lam a junior partner.
This is...
Just trust me.
So, Mr. Page, what brings
you to Newton Haven?
Well, we're all from here. We're
just back to see the sights.
Have a crack at
the old Golden Mile.
Might get a bit messy.
Well, you make sure you get
that brake light fixed
and you might want to do
an emissions test, too.
Oh, and, Peter.
Don't make too much mess.
We won't!
Hmm.
I don't understand.
It's simple, Pete.
The car's still registered to
you, it has been since 1989.
But I've moved
three times since then.
I know, I changed
the log book.
Where do you think
all those points came from?
Jesus. You guys need to relax.
Do you know how much
trouble you could get into?
Do you know how much
trouble I'm already in?
What's that
supposed to mean?
Hey. What the hell is this?
Why are we even here?
We are here to
get annihilated.
Have you got any plans
for dinner at all?
Tonight, we will be partaking
of a liquid repast
as we wend our way
up The Golden Mile.
Commencing with an inaugural
tankard at The First Post,
then onto The Old Familiar, The
Famous Cock, The Cross Hands,
The Good Companions,
The Trusty Servant,
The Two Headed Dog, The Mermaid,
The Beehive, The King's Head
and The Hole in the Wall
for a measure of the same.
All before the last bittersweet
pint in that most fateful terminus,
The World's End.
Leave a light on,
good lady,
for though we may return
with a twinkle in our eyes,
we will, in truth,
be blind drunk.
Come on!
Until 1840...
Fucking hell.
...this building was the site of
Newton Haven's first post office.
Until an enterprising
business fellow decided that
far from befitting the sending
and receiving of mail
it was perhaps better
suited as a humble taproom
where a weary traveler might get twatted.
Come on.
Ah!
It's like dja vu.
I don't remember this at all.
Has it been refurbished?
Been bought by a chain,
hasn't it?
Part of that nationwide
initiative to rob
small, charming pubs
of any discernible character.
Starbucking, man.
It's happening everywhere.
Can't take away
that smell, though.
I'm sure they tried.
Good evening, Raymondo.
The prodigal sons return. Eh?
Who's on the
guest list tonight?
Come again?
The guest ales.
We, sir, are doing The
Golden Mile and you have
the honor of drawing
first blood.
What do you recommend? There's one.
Crowning Glory.
Rather fitting.
How's that?
I'm Gary King.
What?
So tell me more.
About what?
Crowning Glory. Is it nutty?
Is it foamy? Is it hoppy?
Does it have a surprisingly fruity
note which lingers on the tongue?
Hmm. It's beer.
Hmm.
We'll have five
of those, please.
No. Sorry. Can we have four of
those and a tap water, please?
What?
I don't believe this,
a man of your legendary prowess
drinking fucking rain.
It's like seeing a lion
eating some hummus.
That doesn't make any sense. I
know it doesn't make any sense.
You seriously have a problem with me
not drinking, after what happened?
I don't, but King Arthur does!
Oh, this'll be good.
What's King Arthur
got to do with it?
Do you honestly think that King Arthur
came back from the Battle of Hastings,
fucking rocked up at Arthur's Castle...
Camelot.
...walked up to the bar
and went,
"Hello.
Could I have a tap water?"
No, because they didn't have
running water in Arthurian times.
Exactly. He would have had a mead.
The King Arthur of beers.
And I'm less of a man because
I choose to drink water?
Well, it's a bit
"ooh ducky", innit?
That's not very PC, Gary.
Get out of the '90s, Pete.
There's nothing "ooh ducky"
about being teetotal,
about walking into a pub
after a rugby match
and ordering a tap water at a bar packed
full of big ugly bastards wearing warpaint.
That, my friend, takes confidence, yeah?
I'm talking balls.
You said it, poof.
I don't know if you're aware of this,
Gary, but we are not teenagers anymore.
And God forbid you ever
have children, because if...
I might have kids.
Then you had better be ready
to take responsibility...
No. I mean I might have kids.
You remember Karen
Eggerton, who I fucked?
She was two weeks late when her
parents emigrated to Normandy.
I never heard from her again.
She might have had a baby.
Imagine that? A French kid.
It's pointless arguing
with you.
To kids.
Wherever they may be.
Kids.
Kids.
Drink up. Let's Boo-Boo.
"Boo-Boo".
What is that?
You remember,
"Let's Boo-Boo."
You know, from Mr. Shepherd's
classroom, it said on the wall,
"Exit, pursued by a bear," you
know, from that Shakespeare play?
A Winter's Tale.
Yeah. What was it called?
A Winter's Tale.
That's it.
And if we needed to make a quick getaway,
we'd say, "Exit, pursued by a bear,"
and then it was,
"Exit, pursued by Yogi Bear,"
and then it was just,
"Let's Yogi and Boo-Boo,"
and then, "Let's Boo-Boo."
So you're saying we should go?
Yeah. It's shit here, innit?
Ah!
The Old Familiar.
Now this is a pub.
Yes.
This is more like it.
Like dja vu.
David, my man, have you heard the news?
Gary King is back in town.
Who's he?
How was the
funeral, Gary?
Your mum's funeral?
It's difficult to
put into words.
But if I had to choose
three, I would say,
"Really, really sad."
Oh, no, that's two,
isn't it?
How about,
"Really, very sad"?
It's a shame,
she was a good woman.
I really liked your mum.
Me, too, mate. Me, too.
Hello.
Hello, mate.
Are you here?
Yeah, I've been here for ages.
What are you talking about?
You get lost on the
ring road again?
This is Newton Haven.
What time are you meeting The Twins?
Twins?
We're all at The Old Familiar.
Come by if you want.
Yeah, he is. Okay.
See you soon.
Who was that, O-Man?
Don't call me O-Man, Gary.
If you must know it was Sam.
Sam's here?
Sam's here?
Is there a fucking echo in here?
Yes, Sam's here.
She's down from Manchester. We're
driving to Mum's tomorrow.
What, and she's coming here?
Calm down, Steve, I saw her first.
Jesus Christ, not this again.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I saw her first.
You really have a selective
memory, don't you?
Somebody else
was saying that.
Me. No. I would have remembered.
I told you I had
a thing about Sam
and you proceeded to try and get
in her pants at every opportunity.
Guys, please.
You only liked her after
you found out I liked her!
That's right, because you
did the school play.
Cabaret. Cabaret.
Because she was in it.
And she wore those fishnet stockings
and you got a big boner on stage.
Jesus Christ.
Doesn't matter anyway, she always had
a massive wide on for Adrian Keane.
I hated that prick.
Can we not talk about
my sister in relation to,
A, massive wide ons,
B, Steven's erect penis?
All right.
Is she still fit, though?
I'm not answering that.
Is she, though?
Am I what?
Fit.
Hello, Sam. Steven? You've
grown, haven't you?
Yeah, sideways.
You look fantastic.
Steroids.
Andy, long time.
Hi, Pete.
Hi, Sam.
All right, big brother?
Gary.
Willkommen. Bienvenue.
Welcome.
Sam. Would you like a drink?
Hey, Steve. She's just got here.
Come on.
Sam. Would you like a drink?
I'll have a vodka tonic,
thanks, Steven. Sure.
I'm just going to nip to the loo.
Cool.
Nature calls.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm going to the toilet.
Well, then, so am I.
Gary! You are
out of your mind!
What are you talking about?
You gave me the sign.
What sign?
You went to the toilet.
Gary, are you serious? I
haven't seen you in 20 years.
Do you really think I'm going to have
sex with you in the ladies' toilet?
Well, the disableds
is out of order.
Gary. What happened?
I don't know,
maybe one of them put too many
paper towels down the toilet.
I mean, we don't know what they
are thinking, really, do we?
No. What happened to you?
Nothing.
Nothing happened to me.
I'm the same old Gary.
No shit.
Huh!
So, do you wanna?
Oliver. I'll see you later.
You're going?
I thought you weren't meeting The
Twins for another half hour?
I'm not. Oh, yeah.
I believe this is yours.
"Out of order."
It's a private joke.
I don't want to know.
- What is that?
- Modern art.
It's a memorial,
isn't it?
Yeah. To modern art.
Hey, guys, do you
know what time it is?
It's not even 6:00.
Wrong! It's high time
we got onto The Cock!
Whoo-hoo!
Let's go.
Come on.
When you're ready, mate.
Oh, shit.
Look who it is.
Basil. Mad Basil!
Do you remember?
We used to come in here
and listen to him talk about fucking UFOs
and lizard people and underwater Nazis.
Didn't he spout some
bullshit about the Bermuda Triangle
actually being a square?
No, he said it was two isosceles
triangles forming a rhombus.
He was your best mate,
wasn't he, Steve?
No, he wasn't my
best mate, Gary.
He was a lonely, old guy and
I felt a bit sorry for him.
That's right. Basil!
Maybe we're not the local
legends you think we are.
Gary King?
Speak for yourself, mate.
You're barred.
I cannot fucking believe this.
This is ridiculous.
Believe me, Gary,
it's not worth it.
Have two in the next one. Have them
all in the next one, for all I care.
We've got to have one in every pub
otherwise the whole thing's fucked.
I'd say it was fairly
fucked already, mate.
Great.
How much more of this
do we have to endure?
That was three. There's nine more.
Oh, good.
Fuck that
I need to eat something.
We can get some food
in the next pub.
As long as it's
reasonably healthy.
This is Newton Haven.
Hardly the heart of the
organic revolution.
I doubt it's the
heart of anything.
My wife wanted us to go organic,
problem is, I kinda like eating shit.
The next pub does shit!
Keep up!
Oh, yeah.
I remember this one.
- We had New Year's in here, didn't we?
- '89 into '90.
Isn't that when you
slept on the pool table, Andy?
Yeah. I believe it was.
For six hours.
Six hours.
Thank you for reminding me.
Do you remember
when you woke up,
we said you'd been asleep for
a year and that it was 1991
and you freaked out
and punched a clock?
That was a great night.
Didn't you manage to get off
with Erika Leekes, Peter?
Yes, I did. Something of a personal
triumph, if I say so myself.
She of the Marmalade Sandwich fame?
Marmalade Sandwich...
The very same.
Erika Leekes, Tracy Benson,
Becky Salt.
Two blondes and a redhead
in the middle.
The Marmalade Sandwich.
Becky Salt. Fucking hell.
Wonder what
they're doing now.
Why don't you ask them?
What do you mean?
I mean, sitting at that table over there are
two blondes and a redhead in the middle.
Shut the fuck up.
I'd say that's Erika Leekes on the
left, Tracy Benson on the right,
and by process of elimination,
there's Becky Salt in the middle.
That's the Marmalade Sandwich
all growed up.
That is very spooky.
We should get them over.
No.
Leave the past where it is.
It's bad enough having to
look at your old, ugly mugs.
You make it sound like
we're fucking ancient.
We haven't changed that much.
I mean, sure, Steve's let
himself go a bit. What?
Pete's got the same haircut and Oliver
has still got his mark of the devil.
No, he hasn't.
No, he hasn't.
It's called
laser surgery, Gary.
It's a small price to pay for
not being called fucking O-Man.
That works for Sisters Of
Mercy tattoos as well.
I still like the
Sisters Of Mercy.
Well, good job,
or you'd never go swimming.
I'm lost.
Don't be.
Well, I for one, think it's nice
to see the old faces again.
Cheers, mate.
Excuse me? This taken?
Is this seat taken?
Have it, mate.
Thanks.
Wasn't that...
Shane Hawkins.
Hey, didn't he...
Yes, he did.
Hang on. What happened
with Shane Hawkins again?
I'd rather not bring it all
up again, if that's okay.
Hey, man. Listen, Pete.
Bottling up past trauma
can lead to
inadequate coping strategies
in later life, apparently.
I don't know, I mean, it's not
even about the past, you know.
It's not about the fact
that he bullied me,
that he made me miss more
school days than chicken pox.
It's not even that he forced me to spend
entire lessons hiding in a toilet cubicle,
or that he punched me so hard
he dislodged my eyeball.
And it's not even that he ruined
a large portion of my childhood.
No, it's the fact that just
then, he didn't recognize me.
He looked straight through me
like it all meant nothing.
That probably sounds weird,
doesn't it?
Shots!
S-H-O-T-S. Shots.
What are you doing, Gary?
I thought it was obvious.
Shots.
Firstly, Peter was talking
about something
which clearly made him
feel very uncomfortable.
It's all right, Andy.
No, Peter, it's not all right.
Secondly, 12 pints is more than enough,
and thirdly, I don't fucking drink!
But shots don't count,
do they?
You said you wanted
to catch up and chew the fat.
I think you just
wanted to drink it.
We're not here
as your friends.
We're just your
fucking enablers.
Enablers. That's a funny word, isn't it?
"Enabler."
Gary King And The Enablers.
That's a good name for a band, Steve.
Write that down.
Don't do a Gary, Gary.
Oh, is that a thing now, is it?
It's always been a thing.
You don't need us to
help you get fucked up,
you've done a perfectly
good job so far on your own.
I'm gonna go and see if
there's a bus back to London
if anyone wants to
come with me.
You can't go. This is special.
This is our anniversary.
It's not the
anniversary, Gary.
We did this in June.
It's October.
Yeah, but it's the anniversary
of the year, isn't it?
Every year is the
anniversary of a year!
It's just not the
same anymore, Gary,
and it's not that the town's
changed, we have changed.
Yeah, well, you can't go,
'cause the buses are finished.
Then I'm gonna go back to the B&B.
You coming?
I could do with
an early one actually.
I should probably go
and find Sam.
Yeah, I'm gonna go
and find Sam with Oliver.
That's settled then, yeah?
You know what I think?
I think you're jealous.
Yeah, you've got your houses and your cars
and your wives and your job security.
But you don't have
what I have. Freedom.
You're all slaves and I'm free
to do what I want any old time.
And this is what you want?
You should grow up, mate.
Join society.
Yeah, but Mum died.
And we're all very sorry,
but now it's time to go home.
I thought we were home.
I can't help feeling sorry for him.
Don't.
Oh! Fuck! Piss!
Careful, the floor's
a bit pissy.
Wasn't me.
That was me.
Did that back in '90.
Punched the shit
out of the wall.
I don't know why. Seemed
important at the time.
You guys look like you're
having a good night, though.
I'm doing The Golden Mile tonight.
You want to tag along?
We'll be like The Six Musketeers.
I said we're doing
The Golden Mile.
You think you're so cool,
don't you?
Huh?
But we were cooler.
We owned this town.
We paved the way for you lot.
Blazed a trail.
Hey! Look at me when
I'm talking to you!
Please don't.
Don't what?
You don't want
to do that.
Don't I?
What?
You need to explain
this right now!
Andy, this kid
just attacked me.
Don't you dare
change the subject!
He smashed my head
in the mirror.
You know who I just spoke to?
Your mum!
And not from the afterlife.
From fucking Bournemouth.
Is that real?
She says she hasn't spoken
to you for eight months.
Andy...
His head just came off!
No, Gary, you are not gonna
wriggle out of it this time.
WTF!
There's someone in here.
Andy, did you see...
WTF, Gary. WTF.
What the fuck
does "WTF" mean?
What the fuck?
Oh, yeah.
This can't be happening.
Can it?
You said it, mate.
I can't believe it.
I know, mate.
I can't believe you
lied about your mum!
That was a white lie!
How is that a white lie?
She's not dead, is she?
Wait, wait, wait!
Where are you going?
To get help.
No, don't do that!
What, don't get help? We don't
know how far this goes.
Wait, who are you calling?
Vanessa.
Who's Vanessa?
My wife.
Why are you calling your wife?
Because she's my wife.
You just said we don't
know how far this goes.
I was just thinking about the pub.
Oh, well, there's a surprise.
I can't get through.
Can you get through to Sam?
I've got full bars and
I'm not getting through.
I'm sorry, your call
cannot be connected at this time.
Must be the network.
Holy shit.
This is all connected.
This explains why
everything's gone fuck up.
Everybody's been replaced
by one of these.
That's why no one recognized
us, Basil, Dave, Raymondo.
I thought it was weird.
Shane Hawkins.
Exactly. It's not us that's
changed, it's the town.
I'm right, aren't I, Andy?
Andy, aren't I right?
You're never wrong.
No, whatever the fuck's happening,
we can't stay in the gents forever.
Ten people have entered this
toilet in the last five minutes
and not a single one
has come back out again.
That's going to
look suspicious.
Gay loving.
And that's worse
than five dismembered bodies?
This is Newton Haven.
How's it looking?
Normal. Very normal.
I don't like it.
What do we do?
Let's finish our drinks.
I say we neck these and
get the fuck out of here.
To London?
To The Trusty Servant.
Are you fucking kidding?
Oh, yeah.
It's The Good Companions next.
I always mix those two up.
Are you saying we move
on to the next pub?
We should get in The Beast
and head back to London!
My brake light is broken.
So don't use the brakes!
I'm way over the limit. When
has that ever stopped you?
I don't want to put any more
points on Pete's license.
Andy can drive,
he's teetotal!
Ah!
That's settles it then.
The last thing we need to do is
get pulled over by the police.
A, we're all drunk,
B, they might be in on it and,
C, we've got blood on our hands.
It's more like ink. We've
got ink on our hands.
So, has it got messy yet? What?
What are you, five pubs in? Four
Oh, not even halfway.
Plenty more fun to be had.
Enjoy your night, Peter.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Sorry.
The way I see it, we've told everybody
we were doing The Golden Mile.
You did.
If we suddenly jump in The Beast
now and head for the hills,
they're gonna know
that we know,
but if we keep doing what we're
doing and going where we're going,
then they're not gonna know.
Know what?
That we know.
I suggest we finish what we started
and leave quietly in the morning.
Wait. You're really suggesting...
We finish The Golden Mile.
It's pointless
arguing with him.
Drink up. Let's Boo-Boo.
We're just five friends
on a night out,
having a good time.
Drinking.
Ah!
Been
Pubs
Shall we?
I feel a little
uncomfortable drinking this much.
It's like Dutch
courage, isn't it?
You know, when the English soldiers
used to drink Dutch gin before battle
to give them super strength.
You know, I thought that was to
numb the sense of impending doom.
Exactly.
We're just five friends on a
night out, having a good time.
I need the toilet.
Go on then. You've earned it.
Huh?
You're doing really good, Oliver.
He didn't make it this far last time.
I'm proud of him.
You're enjoying this,
aren't you?
Yeah, five guys on a night
out, having a great time.
Pretending to have
a great time.
Are you pretending?
If we get out of here alive,
I'm going to kill you.
We're still
in the dark, Gary.
Yeah, our families could be
in danger for all we know.
I know, my mum could be dead.
For reals this time.
Hey, why don't we just
ask somebody? Who?
The Reverend Green.
Come on. Wait.
What the fuck
are you doing?
I'm going to go and have a little
chat with The Reverend Green.
You're going to buy drugs?
I am going to go over there and subtly
check if that is The Reverend Green
and if it is, I can ask him
what's going on,
and possibly buy some drugs.
But what if he's one of them?
No, me and The Reverend had
a highly sophisticated code
when discussing the purchase
of herbal narcotics.
If he doesn't understand me, it means he's
one of them and I will simply walk away.
Ah!
Have you got any drugs? I
don't do that anymore, Gary.
Do what?
That.
That why you're
in a suit, is it?
'Cause drug dealing is
not good enough for you?
There are no drug
dealers anymore, Gary.
I've got a proper job
in a proper office.
You had a proper office.
That was the gents' toilets.
Nothing wrong with doing
your business in the toilet.
Look, a lot has changed since
you have left. I know.
How much do you know?
A little.
How much is a little?
The town has been taken over
by robots full of blue stuff.
Shh. Keep your voice down.
You don't even know
what you're talking about.
Tell us then.
Well, they're not robots.
Do you even know
what robot means?
Course I do. It's like,
"Hello, lam a robot."
It means "slave" and believe
me, they are not slaves.
Are you their prisoner?
No, lam very happy.
Tell your face.
Hey! What's going on?
The town's been invaded
by robots who aren't robots
and The Rev's their prisoner.
I am not.
We're leaving first thing.
We can get you out of here.
I'm not going. It's not what you think.
This is for all our benefit.
You've said too much, Trevor.
Yeah, put a cork in it, Trevor.
I'm just trying to help.
It's not your place to help.
They will have
everything in hand.
Are you guys robots?
Well, the word robot actually
comes from an old Czech word...
...robotnik...
...meaning slave.
And we are not slaves.
We are very, very happy.
And not robots.
Oh, my God,
are these guys robots?
Shut up about robots!
I say we shut up
about everything!
Trevor.
It's your supervisor.
Hello, Trevor.
Hello, sir.
But...
I understand.
Thanks a bunch.
What did I miss?
Your friends
trying to help.
We don't need
your help.
Well, what should we do?
I suggest you get
on your way.
I think we should
do what he says.
Okay.
Here we go.
Come on!
Gary.
Gary!
Let's just get in and
out of this one, yeah?
No more making new friends.
Gentlemen!
The prodigal sons return!
What will it be, one of
our guest ales perchance?
Might I recommend
five pints of Crowning Glory?
Rather fitting, wouldn't you say, Gary?
What? Sorry. What?
It's a delightful brew.
Hoppy, nutty, foamy.
Does it have a surprisingly fruity
note that lingers on the tongue?
You're obviously a connoisseur.
Then you'll already
know that it's a rare treat
for rogues, reverends, royalty
and all good folks between.
Five of those, please.
Welcome home, boys.
I don't remember him
being that friendly.
He's obviously
one of them.
How can he be?
He remembered me.
We don't know
what they remember.
Maybe they
have selective memories.
Yeah, like what's his name?
Me.
Maybe he's one of the others.
Like The Reverend.
It is very hard
to tell, isn't it?
Yeah, I mean, is he one of
them or is he one of them?
Wait, wait, which ones
are the thems again?
Well, they're both thems,
aren't they?
But there's two ways
of saying it.
Is he one of them or
is he one of them?
We need different terms.
One for the people who aren't robots and
one for the robots who aren't robots.
All right, we need to be able to
differentiate between them, them and us.
Yeah, I think the pronouns
are really confusing.
Yes. I don't even
know what a pronoun is.
It's a word that can
function by itself as a noun
which refers to something
else in the discourse.
I don't get it.
You just used one.
Did I?
Yeah. "it" is a pronoun.
What is?
It.
Is it?
Christ.
Look, we just need a fucking word
so we can identify who's who.
He's a blank, she's a blank, those
two people are definitely blanks.
Sam.
I got this, Steve.
All right, Sam?
Oh, crumbs.
How's your night going?
Good. Sort of.
What do you mean
"sort of"?
Well, it's weird, isn't it?
You come back and everything's
the same, but sort of different.
Different how?
Just weird.
How weird?
What are you getting at, Gary?
Come with me.
Fuck's sake, Gary,
take a hint.
It's all right, I'm not
trying to have sex with you.
Why are we in the
disabled toilets then?
There's something I need
to tell you right now,
unless you do
want to have sex,
in which case
I'll tell you afterwards.
Tell me right now.
Have you noticed anything
creepy about The Twins
apart from the fact
that they're twins?
Just because they're twins doesn't
automatically make them creepy.
It does a little bit.
You had sex with them.
A, I did not, and, B, how
did you know about that?
A, it's a small town, B, I'm not
stupid and, C, they told me.
Right. Well, I did once,
but I was wasted,
which was creepy because it was
like there was four of them.
I am not proud of it.
I am a bit.
Is this what you wanted to tell me?
No, this is...
Are you okay, Sam?
Are you okay, Sam?
I need a cigarette.
Nobots?
How about Fauxbots?
I think we should get away
from the whole robots thing.
Steven?
What's he up to?
Oh, don't worry, he's probably just
trying to fuck Oliver's sister.
Andy.
Oh, my God,
that man is full of shit.
I know that's not
a surprise to you.
What did he say, Sam?
What did he say, Sam?
He said that Newton Haven has been taken
over by robots full of blue stuff
and if we don't do what they say,
they will make us their prisoners.
Did you believe him?
Did you believe him?
No, of course not.
Did you believe him?
Did you believe him?
What?
See?
Come on, Sam.
You know better than
to believe Gary King.
Oh, crumbs.
Sam!
God!
You creepy bitches, get off!
Chuck us a ciggie.
Oh.
Gary, what's happening?
I told you in the disableds.
Oh, yes, you did.
We should get inside, eh?
Otherwise people are going to
ask what the hell's going on.
What the hell's going on?
Steve, I got this.
Got what?
Sam, he's not good
enough for you.
What?
What?
We've been through
some crazy shit tonight
and it's really put things
in perspective for me,
and if everything is as fucked up as it seems,
then there's something I need to tell you.
You might think this is because
I've had seven pints, but it's not.
It's not.
I'm in love with you, Sam.
I always have been,
and it breaks my heart to see you waste
your affections on Gary fucking King.
Hey, that's a bit harsh. Oh,
no, you've got it all wrong.
There's nothing between...
And while I'm being honest,
just to lay it all out there, lam
currently seeing a fitness instructor.
She's 26 years old,
but I would drop her in
a heartbeat if it meant
that I had one last chance
with you.
Steven, there's nothing
between me and Gary King.
Oh, fuck.
Sorry.
Hey! Get your feet off her!
Pop its head off! Pop its head
off like an aspirin bottle.
Blue-bloods?
Nothing suggested in
the last three minutes
has been better than
Smashy-Smashy Egg Men.
Nothing.
What the hell's going on?
Did you guys think of a name for
the robots who aren't robots?
I'm afraid we've
drawn a blank.
Well, we just had a barney with
two blanks in the beer garden.
- We have to leave now!
- Agreed.
Let's hit The Mermaid.
Wait, what?
Number eight.
"Number eight"?
Oh, fuck.
Andy, what's happening?
Gary thinks we should keep on with the
crawl because they know what we're doing,
but they don't know that we
know what they're doing.
And basically no one else
has a better idea, so fuck it.
What?
Wait!
Guys! Guys!
I've got a better idea.
I'm parked right round
here somewhere.
Haul it. Just go!
Steven, tell them!
Gary said they'll get us
if we try and leave now.
We're way past leaving now.
Come on.
Oh, yeah.
This is what the kids want.
This is a bit mad, isn't it?
This is perfect. We can hide out in here.
I'll get the drinks in.
Good plan, O-Man.
Hey!
Keep an eye out
for blanks.
You've got it.
Why didn't you say anything?
About what?
About what you said
in the garden.
I always wanted to.
It just never seemed
like the right moment.
Something always
got in the way.
Here you go,
get these down you.
Thanks.
Steven?
Please! I have so
much to live for!
It's me, you numpty.
Basil!
I knew seeing your faces again
would spell trouble.
Wait. How do I know
it's really you?
Because I'm the only one who's going to
tell you the truth about Newton Haven.
Now, do you recall the events of the
evening of June the 22nd, 1990?
No, but I know a man who does.
Here you go.
Hey.
See anyone we know?
The Marmalade Sandwich.
The Marmalade Sandwich.
They look good.
It's the lights.
It's the drink.
Who cares what it is?
Steven?
Steven?
That was the night
they arrived.
Remember the shooting star?
That was them.
Nothing happened at first.
They were getting ready, burrowing
in underground, preparing.
Not long after you lot left,
people started to change.
Just one or two at first,
then more.
They replaced people of influence,
taking over the institutions,
remaking, remodeling,
refurbishing.
Doing everything they could
to make us join them.
I can't find Steven.
Where are the others?
They're blending in.
Oh, crumbs.
It's not like the replacements
were evil, far from it.
People got a lot friendlier.
That's how they do it.
It's not an invasion,
it's a merger.
They don't want to get rid of
us, not if they can help it.
They just want to make
us more like them.
Change the way we think.
Bring us into line
with all the others.
Become another
link in their chain.
Which is fine,
unless you say no.
That's when you get replaced.
Once they get your DNA,
they've got you.
How do they do that?
Any way they like.
Blood tests, the nit nurse, sweat,
kissing, saliva on the rim of a glass.
Why do you think
I drink with this crazy straw?
Not so crazy now, is it?
If you're not on their side,
they'll create a version that is.
They can bring you back exactly the
same or even make you young again.
It looks like you, it
even has your memories,
but really it's just a vessel
to spread their message.
Trust, love, respect, desire.
Replaced in the name
of progress.
So, what happens to the
people who get replaced?
The empties? Don't ask
me what happens to them.
Why, what happens
to the empties?
I told you not
to ask me that!
Go! Get out,
before it's too late!
Basil?
I said go!
This just can't be good.
Sam, who was the boy that you
liked in sixth form? Adrian?
Adrian Keane. Why?
He's over there.
Hey, Sam.
How's life?
Sam, we have to get out of here!
We have to get out of here!
Where are the others?
They're blending in.
Oh, fuck!
Gary! No, just one more song.
Gary, she's a blank!
Don't be so judgmental.
Oh, for fuck...
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Still got it.
Enough's enough.
Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.
Hold up.
Where are you all going?
We're leaving.
Really? What happened?
Adrian Keane was in that bar.
Prick.
I thought you liked
Adrian Keane.
Adrian Keane is dead.
Oh, God.
Adrian Keane died in a motorbike
accident in Italy eight years ago.
Did he? They must have
had his DNA on file.
That's how they were
able to replicate him.
They know how to get to us, man.
They know everything.
They didn't know Adrian was dead.
They knew enough to tempt us.
They knew these three would fall for
a bunch of girls in school uniform.
Hey, who wouldn't? Am I right?
Fuck,yeah.
We've gotta get out of town,
we've gotta get beyond it
before it's too late.
- Where are you getting all this from?
- Basil.
Mad Basil? He of the Bermuda
Rhombus and the Aqua Nazis?
Another good name
for the band, Steve.
You're putting our lives in
the hands of a crazy old man?
He's not crazy!
No, maybe he's not.
Or maybe he's a blank trying to
lure us to the edge of town,
onto those dark country roads
where they can deal with us.
Yeah, we could end up dead in a field.
I hate fields.
Yes. My thoughts precisely.
Steven's right.
We should go.
No, we're going
to The Beehive.
Gary's plan is still
the best we have.
Wait a minute.
The 1990-model Oliver was out of
commission by this point in the evening.
What are you saying?
I like the new you.
Huh.
Come on.
This is a mistake,
isn't it?
Hold up!
Just stick with me.
Andy, come on!
Here we go. Pub number nine.
FUCK yes!
That's the spirit, Pete!
Spirits! We should do chasers.
Who is this guy?
Come on. Andy!
It can't start without you.
You what?
We can't start without you.
Now then.
Whose round is it?
It's mine.
Mr. Shepherd!
Is it Mr. Shepherd?
Why don't you kids join me? You look
like you could do with a drink.
Now, let's have a little chat
about your future, shall we, hmm?
Uh, Mr. Shepherd?
Please, call me Guy.
All right.
Guy...
Look at you.
Are you a robot?
Does anyone know
what robot means?
Yeah. I do!
Yes, Gary.
It means "slave."
Oh, very good, Gary.
Are you a robot, sir?
No, Peter, of course
I'm not a robot.
Sir?
Yes, Steven.
But you're on their
side, though?
This is not about
sides, Steven.
It's not about shirts
versus skins.
It's about working
together as one team.
I know it may seem a bit weird
and a little bit scary,
but please believe me,
it's quite the opposite.
They're here to help.
To straighten us out. To
prepare us for the big league.
They've seen something
in us, a potential.
There's a vast community
of worlds up there,
living together, peacefully,
cooperatively.
And guess what? They want
us along for the ride.
Pretty cool, eh, gang?
So,
they're not here to harm us?
Far from it, O-Man.
No, they're here to help.
I'm not saying they're
afraid to get tough.
I certainly had to get
tough with you in my day.
And what one amongst you
wouldn't thank me for it? Hmm?
In some respects,
they're a lot like teachers.
Stern, yes.
A little frightening.
But it's all for
our betterment.
So, what do you say we all go somewhere
and talk about this properly?
That wasn't properly?
Well, I think it's pretty clear, guys, what
Mr. Shepherd is trying to say is that...
Andy! What the fuck?
Yes, Andy. What the fuck?
WTF?
Humans, you leave
us no recourse.
If you will not
join us willingly,
we will be forced to use
other means of persuasion.
Now, please...
I fucking hate this town!
Oh, oh!
Oh, crumbs, you're heavy. Sorry.
Motherfucker!
Andy!
Twist the melon, man!
Yeah!
Sam, this is no way
for a family to behave.
Sam, I'm disappointed
in you.
O-Man!
Okay, Andy.
Break it up.
It doesn't have
to be like this.
It could be so much simpler,
so completely painless.
If only you'd see the light.
Yes.
See, it's not
about conflict,
it's about togetherness.
Yes. Let's try this
again, shall we?
How about another round?
Nah, we're done here.
Yes, Gary, that appears to be the case.
The Smokehouse!
What?
Just do it!
Come on!
This way!
Humans,
this is your final warning.
Failure to comply
will result in your...
Humans, obey now,
or face the consequences.
Let's go!
Shit.
Oh, look, there's my car!
Let's climb down
the drainpipe.
I've got a better idea.
Climb down the drainpipe.
Okay, just go.
Wait. What about the others?
Leave 'em with me, okay?
I got this.
Are you sure? Yeah, I
always land on my feet.
I don't know
if that's true, Gary.
Just go.
Will you find out what
happened to my brother?
Yeah, of course, of course, and
I'll look after Stevie for you, eh?
He's a good guy.
He's better than me.
Gary, you're not a bad person, but
you're not boyfriend material.
The whole "free spirit quick one
in the disabled toilets" thing
is kinda cool when you're 17,
but not when you're facing 40.
There comes a time when you have
to go forwards and not backwards.
Maybe if I hadn't left you behind that
night, things would all be different.
It's not all about
that night, Gary.
Isn't it?
It doesn't have to be.
We'll always have the
disableds, though, won't we?
Yeah. Yeah, we'll always
have the disableds.
Oh, no.
Where's Sam?
I put her in her car.
You did what?
I put her in her car.
I just told her to leave.
You just sent away the only one
of us sober enough to drive?
Yeah. You just couldn't
stand the fact
that she might
prefer me to you.
That's not true.
it is true, Gary!
I was getting somewhere.
We held hands.
I was just trying to help! You were
trying to help yourself, more like!
Jesus, I do something right for a
change and you fuckers get on my case.
Wow, that's the first time I've
ever heard you admit being wrong.
I said I did something right!
Yeah, "for a change".
So? Meaning the rest
of the time you're wrong.
Not necessarily.
Look, I just thought it was best
to keep her out of harm's way.
And what about us, Gary?
Aren't we in harm's way?
We're all right, Pete. Come on,
we're The Five Musketeers.
No, we're the Four Musketeers.
Wait, how do we know
you put her in the car?
How do we know
you're you?
Of course I'm me!
Well, who the fuck are you, Gary?
I'm Gary King.
There's only one Gary King. How
do I know you guys are you?
We've been together
the whole time.
You might all not be you. How did
you know O-Man wasn't O-Man?
Because his birthmark
was back.
What does that prove?
Because of what Basil said.
They make a copy
from your DNA.
That's why he had
his birthmark.
He was new, like a baby.
Like a man-baby.
Like a "maybe".
Oliver with none of the shit that
had happened to the real Oliver.
The laser surgery!
So the blanks really
are just blank?
No wear and tear, no scars.
Steven, in 1987 we were playing
cricket and I accidentally pushed you
onto a broken bottle that
nearly went up your ass.
So?
Show us your bum.
Very nice.
Thank you.
Pete, you got that 50cc
Suzuki in 1988,
and you let me have a go on it
and I ran over your leg.
What the fuck?
Oh, wait,
it's the other one.
Andy, in 1986 we re-enacted
the Knife Game from Aliens
and I stabbed you
in the middle finger.
How about December 1997,
when you OD'd
and I drove you to the hospital
four times over the limit
and I ended up rolling the car and
almost severing my femoral artery,
at which point you made
a miraculous fucking recovery
and ran off into the night,
leaving me to get arrested
after 12 hours of
life-saving surgery?
Either one of those will do.
Thank you.
What about you?
That's easy.
That could have been drawn on.
Aren't all tattoos drawn on?
- Yeah.
- Show us your arm.
What?
Show us your arm.
No, no.
You fell off stage at the fifth-year ball
fucking around and dislocated your elbow.
You've got a scar where they
put the metal plate in.
I don't have to show
you anything, all right?
I'm Gary King.
I know I'm me.
If I'm not me, then how do I know that
carved into that beam above your head
are the words "King Gary"?
But it doesn't say
"King Gary".
Yes, it does.
Doesn't it?
No. it says "King Gay".
Some cunt scrubbed
out the "R"!
- That was me.
- Why?
"King Gay".
That means fuck-all anyway.
Mr. Shepherd remembered
stuff, so did Oliver.
Selective memory,
remember?
We don't see you for years and you
just pitch up and bring us here.
You better come out with some
hard evidence that you're human,
otherwise we're going to
find out for ourselves.
You want evidence?
There!
That proves I'm human!
It proves you're stupid.
Exactly!
Ow!
It's Gary.
It's Gary.
The whole town's
out looking for us.
That's a good thing. If everybody's
outside, that means nobody's inside.
Gary, wait! Fuck!
Gary, Gary! What do
you mean "nobody's inside"?
I mean we can
still do this!
Do what exactly?
Oh, we're still on the crawl.
"King Gay".
Peter?
Peter.
I thought that was you.
Are you okay?
Am I what?
I know we didn't see
eye to eye at school.
Goodness knows
I regret that.
I wanted to say something
back at the pub,
but I felt so terribly
ashamed by what I'd done.
Let me make it up to you, Peter.
Please.
Gary, you're out of your mind!
We've come too far.
It's fucking suicide.
I know. We are going to get to
The World's End if it kills us.
Where's Pete?
I hate you!
You fucking bastard!
I hate you!
Pete! Leave it! Why are
you doing this, Peter?
We don't want to hurt you.
Come on, mate!
It's not worth it!
Yes, it fucking is!
What's he doing?
Oh, shit.
Peter...
Peter...
I must say, I'm very
disappointed in you, Peter.
I'll punch their
fucking lights out.
Andy! No, no, no,
there's too many of them.
Pete.
Peter.
We gotta go.
Gary's right.
We gotta get to The King's Head.
Exactly.
What?
We are not going to The King's Head.
We're done.
We're going to do what we should
have done in the first place.
Get The Beast and
get out of here.
We are fucking leaving
and we are never coming back.
Now, you can either
come with us willingly
or I'm gonna knock you the fuck
out and carry you there myself.
You choose.
All right. All right.
Just think about what you're saying, you
know, because you have been drinking.
You fuck.
Shit,
it's those fucking kids.
Not them again.
What the hell is that?
I don't know, but it's
definitely not modern art.
Oh, shit, we're trapped.
Where's The Beast?
Okay, all right. We're here, so
The Beast is in the next street.
How are we gonna
get to it?
We'll have to go through.
Through where?
I don't fucking
believe this.
Number 10.
Come on.
Let's go.
The back door, back door.
Let's go.
Here we go.
Okay, there it is.
Shit.
We wait for an opening, and
then we leg it to The Beast.
We need the keys.
Gary?
Gary, what are you doing?
Just a little toast.
Gary, put the
pint down, yeah?
To Oliver, Pete.
And to us.
You know, 'cause
10 pubs isn't bad.
It's not, but
we're calling time.
Okay.
So close.
Number 10.
Okay.
So close.
No, no, no, no,
no. Gary!
Gary! Gary!
Let him go.
He left you, man.
I can't.
Andy!
Gary! Gary!
Gary, come back! Come
back, you stupid bastard!
Gary!
Gary! Gary!
Andy, look out!
Come on!
What the...
Get in. Get in.
Gary, Andy, get the fuck in!
You heard him, Andy.
Get the fuck in.
We haven't much time!
Andy! Go, now!
Steven!
Go!
Andy.
I want you inside me.
Okay.
Cheers.
Ah!
You've had enough!
This is The World's End, man!
I know!
Stop this!
Leave me alone!
What do you care anyway?
Of course I fucking care. There's
a reason I'm angry at you!
I know why you're angry
at me, okay?
But it's not my fault
that you crashed that car.
That's not the point.
You let me down, man.
You were Gary King.
Gary fucking King.
I would have followed you to the end.
I fucking have!
Then stop following me!
No! It's just one more.
Let me have this.
You've got everything
you want.
What are you talking about?
You've got your perfect job and your
perfect house and your perfect wife.
You think it's so perfect?
She left me, Gary.
She took the kids to her
mum's three weeks ago.
Said I'm not present enough.
I'm trying to win her back.
And God knows
I am losing.
But I will continue to fight,
because that is how we survive.
For fuck's sake, Gary, I just punched
my wedding ring out of a robot's tummy.
Exactly! You fight for
what's important.
But what is so important
about The Golden Mile?
It's all I've got!
Gary.
You need help, Gary.
I got help.
You know what help was?
Help was a lot of people
sitting in a circle
talking about how fucking
awful things had got.
That is not my idea
of a good time.
And this is? They told
me when to go to bed.
Me!
Gary, mate, how can you tell when
you're drunk if you're never sober?
I don't wanna be sober.
It never got better
than that night.
That was supposed to be
the beginning of my life.
All that promise
and fucking optimism.
That feeling like we could
take on the whole universe.
It was a big lie.
Nothing happened.
You don't need
to do this, Gary.
Yeah, I do.
Please, stand by.
Please, stand by.
Please, stand by.
Please, stand by.
Ah!
What are you doing?
No, don't go out there.
Gary King.
Yeah?
Gary King of the humans.
Yeah. What do you want?
We are here to enable
your full potential,
as we have with countless
worlds across the galaxy.
Oh, yeah?
How'd you manage that, then?
We appropriate a small
percentage of the population
at 2,000 or so penetration
points across the planet.
This ensures maximum coverage.
From there, we create simulants
to spread our ideologies
through peaceful
indoctrination.
Our objective is simple,
to ready the population
for participation in
our galactic community.
This method requires
a small sacrifice.
But the fewer
replacements we make,
the more successful
we consider our operation.
Of course, we welcome those
who volunteer themselves.
We can offer attractive incentives
for those who willingly combine.
The chance to be young again and
yet retain selected memories.
Isn't that something
you'd like?
Something you've
always wanted?
Oh, my God! I'm so cute!
The beauty of our system
is that we all win.
There are no losers.
Allow me to carry
your legend forward.
Let the man you have become
be the boy you were.
Nah.
There's only one Gary King.
Then you have made your choice,
Gary King of the humans.
Yeah, I have.
Because frankly, who the fuck are you to
come down here and tell us what to do?
We are The Network and we are
here for your betterment.
In the last 23 years,
have you not marveled as information
technology has surged forward?
No.
Earth has grown smaller yet greater
as connectivity has grown.
This is our doing and it
is just the beginning.
Oh, fuck off, you big lamp.
You are children
and you require guidance.
There is no room
for imperfection.
Hey, Earth isn't perfect, all right?
And humans aren't perfect.
And guess what?
I ain't perfect.
And therein lies the necessity
for this intervention.
Must the galaxy be subjected to an
entire planet of people like you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who put you in charge, huh?
Who are you to
criticize anyone?
Now, you might think
Gary's a bit of a cock,
and he is a bit of a cock,
but he's my cock.
Oh, thanks, man.
But he is a detriment to himself, just
as Earth is a detriment to the galaxy.
What did you say?
You act out the same cycles of
self-destruction again and again.
At this point your planet is the least
civilized in the entire galaxy.
What did he say? He's saying
we're a bunch of fuck-ups.
Hey, it's our basic human
right to be fuck-ups.
This civilization was founded on fuck-ups.
And you know what?
That makes me proud.
And me!
What is it they say?
"To err is..."
"To err is human."
"To err is human," so, uh...
We do not believe you
speak for all humanity.
You are but two men.
Two drunk men.
Three drunk men!
Stevie-baby!
Enough! Enough, humans!
Oh, you are in trouble now. It's
only the fucking Three Musketeers.
You are revolting against the
wisdom of countless solar systems.
Yeah, we are revolting!
You just said you're not here to conquer.
Can I just ask,
how many people did you have
to replace in Newton Haven?
That is irrelevant.
Is it?
Hands up.
Who here is human?
I'm human.
One!
And me.
That's two.
I am. But don't
know for how long.
Basil!
Shh...
So what's that? Three? You had
to replace an entire town?
Not the entire town.
Everybody apart from old
Nutbowl and the Shifty twins.
That's a good name for a band, Gary.
You should write that down.
I will. What about the
ones you replaced,
like Peter and Oliver?
Yeah, what happened
to the empties?
I told you
not to ask that!
Redundant vessels are recycled, mulched
and converted into fertilizer,
whereupon they are returned to the
earth to promote verdancy and growth.
It is a highly efficient
means of organic renewal.
Mulched?
It is a relative few in light
of our long-term plan.
You mean a few hundred thousand
turned to fucking compost?
What about the other places?
The penetration points.
Are they as successful
as Newton Haven?
Because I'm guessing we're not
the only glitch in your system.
It is true, The Network has been
experiencing some difficulties.
I think you bit off more than
you can chew with Earth, mate.
Yeah, 'cause we are more
belligerent, more stubborn
and more idiotic
than you can possibly imagine,
and I am not just
talking about Gary.
Yeah, there's more
than one Gary King.
But you said... I fucking
know what I fucking said!
Your reliance on profanity is a measure of
your immaturity as a man and a species.
Why don't you just get in your rocket and
fuck off back to Legoland, you cunts!
Yeah! Stop fucking
Starbucking us, man! Yeah!
It is our duty
to challenge you.
Just leave us to our own devices,
you intergalactic arseholes.
You misunderstand.
Shut up!
We are trying...
Nobody's listening!
If you'd only...-
Face it, we are the human race and
we don't like being told what to do.
Just what is it
that you want to do?
We want to be free!
Yeah.
We want to be free to
do what we want to do!
Yeah.
We want to get loaded.
Yeah.
And we want to
have a good time.
And that's what
we're going to do.
It is pointless
arguing with you.
You will be left to
your own devices.
Really?
Yeah.
Fuck it.
They fucked off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Up yours! Up yours! Up yours!
Yeah, we did it!
We won, we won!
Gary, let's Boo-Boo.
Yeah, it's shit here,
innit?
Oi, up here!
Go!
Get up.
Come on!
Well done.
Thanks a bunch. Had to go
and spoil it, didn't you?
Yeah, happy now?
Basil, what do we do now?
Same as before.
Go!
Where's The Beast?
The Beast is dead,
mate.
You know what... You know
what's really annoying?
What?
I promised myself I
wouldn't die in this town.
You're not gonna.
I think our luck just changed.
Whoo-hoo!
Oh!
Sorry!
Sam?
Yes.
You came back for us!
Yes, I did. Well, I got lost
on the ring road. But, yes.
Hi, Sam, could you give us
a lift to London, please?
Did you find out what
happened to my brother?
We'll tell you on the way.
Sorry about the mess. I've
been meaning to clear that up.
We forgive you. Let's go.
Which way?
Backwards!
Which way now?
Go straight over!
We can make it.
We're gonna make it.
We made it!
I'm sorry.
I know.
I know.
Everyone remembers
where they were
when the lights went out
on Planet Earth.
Me, Gary, Steven and Sam, we were
standing right by the switch.
I guess it was
a big night for everyone.
That morning gave a whole new
meaning to the word "hangover"
We decided to walk it off,
all the way back to London,
but the headache didn't end there.
It just went on and on.
Talk about the Big Smoke.
When The Network went down, it
triggered some kind of pulse,
wiped out all our technology
and sent us here,
back to the Dark Ages.
There were casualties, of course.
I knew a few of them.
Some guy from work, my
cousin Paul, Gary's mum.
Nobody really knew
how many we lost,
because we never heard from
the rest of the world again.
Everyone got cut off.
It isn't easy now,
but it is simpler.
I'm back with the wife,
which is something.
We decided our problems didn't seem
as bad in the grand scheme of things.
We all had to go organic in a
big way, but if I'm honest,
I'm hard pressed to recall any
processed foods I actually miss.
As for the blanks, well, a
funny thing happened there.
They woke up.
A week or so after The Network pulled out,
they just sort of rebooted by themselves,
tried to start afresh.
They seemed lost at first, children
cut off from their parents,
abandoned, forgotten, looking for guidance,
for someone to show them the way.
I felt a bit sorry for them,
to be honest.
The Network was right
about one thing.
We can be a bit uncivilized.
Maybe we would've been a bad
influence on the rest of the galaxy.
Oliver went back to
being an estate agent.
People still need a roof
over their heads,
and the old Ollie always
had a gift for the gab.
I guess the new one has, too.
He's doing all right.
I hear that the Peter found his
way home to Bishop's Gardens.
I suppose he picked up
where the other one left off.
I'm not sure his wife noticed.
Maybe she chose not to. He's a
pretty good dad by all accounts.
Steven and Sam got
together in the end.
Didn't see that coming.
They shacked up
just outside London.
It's a pretty nice shack, too.
As for Gary? I don't know
what happened to Gary.
We got separated and
I never saw him again.
Some say he went back to Newton Haven.
I don't know why.
I think his business
there was done.
It's funny,
but I miss him.
I wonder if he misses me.
Misses the boys.
Wherever he is,
I hope he's happy.
That's all he ever wanted,
really.
To have a good time.
I just hope he found it
beyond the bottom of a glass.
Because real happiness, real friends,
those are things worth living for,
worth fighting for.
Blank bastards.
Fucking robots.
Five waters, please.
You can have one.
But I ain't serving this scum.
Well, I'm afraid it's all
for one and one for all.
You see, my young friends
and I are on an adventure.
A quest, if you will. And since we
find ourselves in need of refreshment,
you, sir, have the honor
of drawing first blood.
So, I'll ask you again,
for the last time,
five waters, please.
Who the hell
do you think you are?
Me? They call me The King.