A THOUSAND WORDS (2012)
My name is Jack McCall.
If you can hear me,
what you're listening to
is not the sound of my voice.
It's the sound of my inner voice,
the one inside my head.
I'd like to talk to you, but I can't.
Because if I say
just one more sentence out loud,
I'll die.
Aaron, I have got
a very important assignment for you.
Go to Barneys and get me six dozen
pair of cashmere blend socks,
No, I'm gonna wear 'em,
but you're gonna buy 'em.
Do I need six dozen pair
of cashmere socks? No, but listen.
Hey, "need" is a tricky word.
Think about it more like this,
"want" or "love" are better words.
Think about it.
Don't we do everything out of love?
How about this?
Do you want, need or love your job?
Well, I love the idea
that you need your job. Okay.
Three white witches watch
three Swatch watches.
Which witches watch
which watch switch...
Okay.
Daddy's gonna hold you
'cause Mommy needs caffeine.
Baby, I don't know
if I can work with, "Whaah!"
Oh, look how happy he is
with his mommy.
- Yeah.
- Yes, he is. He's a mama's boy.
- No, he isn't.
- Yes.
There's nothing wrong with being
a mama's boy. I'm a mama's boy.
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Shaq snuck in the house
and shit in the baby's diaper!
Hey!
Excuse me, you think
maybe I could cut in front...
I will run you over dead
in the parking lot.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
Hello?
What? She's in labor?
Well, tell her to stop pushing!
Look, I can't miss
the birth of my first child!
I only went out to get some coffee!
Go ahead.
Expectant father coming through!
I got a baby on the way! Thank you.
Thank you!
Congratulations, man! You're the man!
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much.
Twins? It's twins!
I'm having twins. I'm having twins.
Thank you. It's on the house?
Thank you so much!
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Congratulations!
We live in a world
that's obsessive and controlling.
I think I care too much. I think
that's what you would say about me,
that I care too much.
I think that's what everybody would say
about me, that I care too much.
This coffee's incredible.
Do you ever stop to think about
what people are thinking about
when you're not in the room?
What do people think
when I'm not there?
That's the thought that I want to know.
What do people think
when I'm not there?
I know you think something
when I'm there,
but when I'm not there,
what are you thinking?
What are you thinking
when I'm not in the room?
That's the real thought. Or do you ever
wonder who's on line with you?
You could be on line with somebody.
I'm not talking about the computer.
I'm talking about the real line,
the real line,
the old-fashioned line with somebody
behind you, somebody in front of you.
That line is dangerous
'cause you don't know who that is.
Or an elevator!
You're in a elevator, door closed,
you're in the room with this person.
They could pull out a knife and
start doing all kinds of shit to you.
You get in elevators all the time.
Elevators are crazy.
Hey, what about restaurants?
You could be in a restaurant
sitting next to somebody who's a maniac
and they're right next to you in a chair,
and they're ordering like the same thing.
Look at you smiling and this person just,
you know, stabbed somebody in the ass
and now they sitting
next to the table next to you.
This could be happening all the time.
Jack! If I may...
Hey, Doc,
I think we're about out of time.
But I feel so much better.
Thank you so much.
You know, you're a genius.
Good morning, Mr. McCall.
I don't mean to be pushy
and I know you get hit up all the time.
I was just wondering if you had
a chance to read my manuscript.
Your manuscript?
Hey, Reverend Marcus.
How's my favorite client?
I just need to know if I'm going home
to Nebraska, work on my dad's farm,
or, you know,
maybe you could just read 20 pages.
Hold on one second. Hey, look,
I'm getting closer on your manuscript.
It's moved from my kitchen table
to my nightstand,
and next, it'll be by my toilet
and that's where it'll get read, okay?
Reverend, two words, "gripping"
and "necessary". Hold on one sec.
Hey, can you do me a favor?
Can you polish my rims for me?
And don't park my car
under the trees with all those birds?
Reverend, Lord, Where's My Money?
Is the best thing you've ever written.
Jack McCall's office, please hold.
Jack McCall's office, please hold.
Jack McCall's office, please hold.
You're already holding?
Okay, continue to hold. Thanks.
Jack McCall's office.
I don't care. Just take him to the vet.
I don't know, Mom!
I don't... Mom, I got to go.
Yes, I did have a great weekend.
And, yes, I would like some coffee.
I look good, right?
I finished picking out all the
mini-marshmallows out of your cereal.
All the mini-marshmallows?
Except the yellow moons, obviously.
Mr. McCall?
I know that I'm just an assistant.
And I really appreciate...
Hey, Aaron, this is my office.
This isn't the confessional booth
at MTV, all right?
No, no, I know. I know.
I would never confess. I'm just...
I guess what I'm trying to say
is that if I'm gonna
be an agent one day,
I'm not really sure how this...
You have to speak like me,
talk like me, study me!
Learn to speak your mind,
but do it quickly.
You have to remember,
this is all part of your training.
Okay. Okay, great.
I almost forgot. The weekend read.
If I do say so myself,
I thought that the Antarctica submission
was pretty good. Have you read it?
Absolutely not. Why would I do that?
Let me explain something to you.
All your best books have everything
you need to know in the first five pages
and the last five pages, okay?
Here we go. Woman meets man.
Pregnant. War. Alone.
War over. Baby older. New man.
Happily ever after. Bestseller.
Wow.
Did you prepare the conference room?
Yeah. PowerPoint's all set up,
nobody knows a thing.
Okay. Well, get out of here.
Everyone here is familiar with Dr. Sinja.
Dr. Sinja is the most popular
nondenominational religious leader
on the planet.
He's a holistic healer
and a New Age dispenser of wisdom
with a following in the tens of millions.
This guy can fill up
a football stadium on a Tuesday.
Our conventional spirit guides
always ask the seeker,
"What do you want?
I challenge you to ask yourself;
"What does life want from me?
"What does the greater purpose
want from me?
Look at this guy's attendance figures.
He's outselling Cline Dion, U2,
Billy Graham and Hannah Montana!
What's his actual philosophy?
"In quiet, there is truth."
Some shit like that. Something like that.
Just your typical New Age bullshit crap.
That's what my Aunt May used to call it.
New Age bullshit crap.
And if anybody can sell
some New Age bullshit crap, it's me.
Jack, it's a spiritual movement.
Yeah, I have a spiritual movement
every time I eat a bran muffin.
- God!
- All right, all right, Jack.
Assuming you can actually
get an audience with the guy,
you're not the only agent in town
who has this information.
What makes you think
you can talk Sinja into signing with you?
I'm Jack McCall. This is what I do.
Hey, I can talk anybody
into doing anything.
Help me sing it
Breathe in.
And release.
Quiet your mind
until there are no thoughts.
Then you can see your true nature.
Your face
before your parents were born.
"Your face
before your parents were born"?
That's a great title for a kids' show.
It has many names.
Nirvana, kensho, bliss,
divinity, illumination.
Let's call it the Blue Pearl.
It's okay. Our truth can be painful.
Pain is the touchstone of growth.
- That'd be a badass T-shirt.
- It's okay.
Laugh, cry. They're close cousins.
Just let it out.
He sees the Blue Pearl.
It's okay. It's okay.
Students meditate for years
and never see
what you have seen today.
Your inner self.
That makes you
a very special person, Mr...
McCall.
Jack McCall. Thank you so much.
Sorry, I don't know what happened.
I just got overcome with emotion.
I'm sorry.
My years and years of focused silence
just finally delivered me to...
- Enlightenment?
- Enlightenment, yes. Enlightenment.
Sorry. Hold that a second.
I'm so sorry.
Play it four times and it stops.
That is bad.
Oh, the Blue Pearl.
The Blue Pearl is so blue.
The Blue Pearl is so shiny
and so pearly.
"Three things will not long be hidden.
"The sun, the moon,
"and the truth."
ls there a reason for your visit today,
Jack McCall?
Well, sir, I am not one to waste time.
I understand you've written a book.
That is true.
Well, I'm an agent.
And all my career
I've dreamed that I'd get to represent
someone who I believed in.
I believe in you.
And I think
I can help you to change the world.
I'm not interested.
Really?
Dr. Sinja? Dr. Sinja, the world
is filled with lost,
lonely souls in need of your wisdom.
And they're out there calling out to you
in quiet desperation.
I hear them, I feel them.
Aren't you amazed by trees?
Yeah, sure!
I love trees!
Trees, I love them. I love trees.
The branches and the leaves.
It's just...
You know,
some people want fame and money.
Just give me some nature,
some branches and some trees.
I love it.
In fact,
I have such an affinity towards trees
I think I might even
have been a bird in another life.
Just...
Landing on a branch. Taking it all in.
I want to be a bird. I want to be a bird
and I want to swallow your philosophy.
And then I'm gonna spit it back
into the mouths
of the children of the world.
Nourish their souls. Help you to grow,
watch your wings spread,
and help you to soar.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about
presenting your book to the world.
Have you read it?
Of course I have.
So what's in it for you?
Just the satisfaction of knowing
that I helped my hero to save the world.
And 10%, of course.
Shit!
The tree gave me a splinter!
The Bodhi tree did nothing.
It did not move.
We all create our own destiny, Jack.
Dr. Sinja, if you commit to me,
I'll give you all that I am.
Mind, body and spirit. Everything.
Let me be a big bird.
Hawk!
Or sparrow.
Pick a bird, I'm it.
You agree to have my book published?
I'm begging you for it!
And you will spread my philosophy
in the way I meant it to be spread?
That goes without saying.
You have my word, sir.
Remember, our words have a profound
rippling effect on the entire universe.
Well, I'm counting on that.
- Jack McCall's office.
- Aaron!
I want you to run out
and buy me a throne,
and a scepter and a crown,
because I am the king!
Oh, my God, Mr. McCall.
You signed him, didn't you?
You bet your ass I signed him.
Never doubt me! Never doubt me!
How about that?
Hey, I want you to clear
my schedule for the rest of the day.
I want to go spend some time
with my mother!
Let her know what a big star her boy is!
Okay, done, sire.
Raymond! Is that you?
No, it's not Raymond.
It's Jack, Ma. Your son, Jack.
Raymond,
I knew you wouldn't miss my birthday.
I'm not Raymond. I'm Jack, Ma.
Oh, you look good, Raymond.
Mommy, Raymond was your husband.
He left. I'm your son, Jack.
I stayed. You raised me. Remember?
- How you doing, Emily?
- Hey, Jack.
Okay, Annie,
now that your guest is here,
we can have some dinner.
Sorry to keep calling you, but she's
slipping a bit more these days.
Now she won't eat without Raymond.
Raymond is your dad?
Yeah, he was. He's dead now.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not.
You sure she should be drinking
these margaritas?
Don't worry.
'Cause unlike me,
these margaritas are virgins.
Speaking of which, hey, Milt!
I can see your cojones in that pantsuit.
It's like you're smuggling walnuts
in a polyester purse!
Okay, all right.
Tonight it's fajitas
and taquitos with fresh guacamole.
Oh, gracias, Tim.
How you doin', Mom? You okay?
Look at that suit.
You look like a gangster.
Why don't you wear
that suit we got married in?
Because I'm Jack, your son, Ma,
and I got to wear clothes like this
because I need it for my work.
I'm a big agent, remember?
Hey, I made a big deal today.
Jack?
Raymond,
Jack never forgave you for leaving.
- Ma!
- And Jack missed my birthday again.
Mom, I'm Jack. I'm your son. I'm here!
What?
Happy birthday, Mom.
And Caroline says hello.
Raymond,
is that you?
No, Ma. It's me, Jack. Your son.
I'm going to get going now
and get back to work, so...
Love you.
Hola, Gaudencio. You're here late, huh?
Hi, Mr. McCall.
The sprinkler, it die, but I fix it.
Okay.
This is it. It's a beautiful house, Jack.
The neighborhood is so sweet.
There are kids everywhere.
While I was there,
an ice cream truck
actually came through.
I mean, it's just...
It's perfect for us.
But this house is perfect for us.
We made Tyler in this house.
We made Tyler in this room.
We made Tyler on this table. Tyler...
Okay. If we're going to stay
in this house, which I'm willing to do,
we have to do some work
to make it safer.
More family friendly.
What are you talking about?
This place is perfectly safe.
No. Look, just beyond
these polished concrete floors
is a non-fenced pool
that backs up to a cliff
with a sheer drop of 2,000 feet.
Well, look,
maybe we should let the kid grow up
and tell us where he wants to live.
It's a bachelor pad!
He's a bachelor!
Okay.
We cannot raise a family in this house.
Hey, look,
I bought this house on my potential
and then I earned it. I love this house.
I love it, too,
but I'm changing Tyler at the bar.
He sleeps in your media room.
It's like we're guests in your house.
It's just time.
You know, moving is a huge change.
I know, but so was getting married,
and having a baby.
And those turned out
to be really nice changes, right?
Okay, let's do it.
Really?
Let's paint the media room.
Yeah, let's put some ducks in there
and some cartoon figures
and, you know,
just keep it mid-century modern, though.
Mid-century modern ducks.
- Yeah, mid-century modern and ducks.
- That's fantastic.
That actually sounds kinda hot.
An all new low for you, Jack.
- Hey, now what are you doing?
- I'm cleaning up.
- What the hell was that?
- An earthquake?
I've been in an earthquake.
That wasn't an earthquake.
I'm gonna check on Tyler!
This is a beautiful tree, my friend.
Please, tell me
why you would plant a tree
right in the middle of the patio.
I no plant the tree.
You no plant the tree?
I've been here all day
fixing the sprinkler.
I coming back to pick up my things
and, boom, it's a tree here.
"Boom, it's a tree here"?
Boom.
Hey, this is that tree that bit me.
Why the hell would he send me
something like this?
What, is this a joke or something?
He must think it's a gift.
Well, now I'm stuck
with this goddamned thing?
I was gonna just send him a nice wine
or, you know,
a Harry and David's Fruit of the Month.
Or a massage. Or Mrs. Fields cookies.
Exactly.
You want me to get rid of it?
No, I gotta make nice.
I'll keep it. This is my tree now.
- Okay, Mr. McCall. See you maana
- Thanks.
Sorta classy.
- Mr. McCall?
- Faster, Aaron.
Please, be less dumb,
but be quicker about it.
I got a splitting headache today.
Are you sick?
No, I think I'm having
an allergic reaction or something.
Well, this should cheer you up.
Here's your crown.
And the throne's on order.
But they offered me a scepter,
so I bought it.
Are you a moron?
No.
So Sinja sent his book over, and...
- How great is it?
- You read it?
How many times
do we have to go through this?
I don't read!
Once again, how was Sinja's book?
No, let me tell you.
It was scintillating, huh?
You couldn't stop reading it,
just like it was your latest copy
of Juggs magazine, right?
It is a quick read, that's fair.
Way to go, Sinja!
It's almost like the book was written
for you.
Of course it was!
Listen, this book is...
Five pages long.
Five pages long?
Five pages long.
As in one, two, three, four...
Five. The end.
But look at it this way.
It's the perfect book for you
because the first five pages
and the last five pages
are the whole book.
Okay, Aaron, come on.
Tell me that you're pulling my pecker
on this one, right?
Oh, I wish I could.
I mean, not your pecker, but...
Let me see it.
- My...
- The book!
No.
- That's the book?
- That's the book.
Okay. Okay,
I'm gonna go down to that ashram
and I'm gonna ram this up his ass!
It's just the dedication, right?
Or the teaser? Or the thank you's.
Jack, you said you loved my book.
That wasn't a book you gave me,
it was a pamphlet!
I've read menus that were longer!
I read a stop sign on the way here
that was longer than that!
Now, my book
is a journey of self-discovery.
Now, that journey is fulfilled
by page five.
Okay, it's coming together now.
You know, you got
a lot of tricks up your sleeve.
First, the magic tree.
Then the book with five pages.
What's next?
You gonna get on a magic yoga mat
and fly around in a circle?
Then you rub your stomach,
but then, whoosh,
the genie jumps out of my ass?
Bless you, Jack. Are you okay?
I'm having an allergic reaction.
It's probably from that tree you sent me.
I sent you a tree?
See?
So this is where the tree went.
What?
Interesting.
What's so interesting?
These branches
don't have a single leaf.
You know, I noticed that, too.
Jack?
Look at the tree and say something.
Say what?
What's so funny?
This is amazing. Don't you see?
Hey, you know, it almost seems
like every time I say something,
some of the...
Hello?
He
...lo!
I want my baby back
baby back, baby back
I want my baby back, baby back ribs
Shit!
Hey, how are you doing this?
Me? I'm doing nothing.
You and this tree are now connected.
Connected?
It seems like
all your talking is making you sick.
Hey, my talking is not making me sick.
Oh, really? What happens
when a tree loses all its leaves, Jack?
So what are you trying to say, Sinja?
It's obvious to me, the more you talk,
the more leaves fall,
the sicker you get.
The sicker I get?
So what happens
if all the leaves fall off the tree?
That usually means the tree is dead.
Hey, wait a second. Hold on a second.
You telling me that you think
whatever happens to the tree
happens to me?
Yes.
So I could die!
Yes, but you would die
in the most amazing way possible.
I could die?
Or someone could turn you
into a coffee table.
Hey, Sinja, you know,
you're a real funny dude to stand here
making jokes when my life
is being controlled by this magic tree!
How many leaves
you think are left on this tree?
A thousand?
So what do I got, a thousand words left?
Now you have 993.
One word, one leaf.
Well, I know how to make this shit stop.
Oh, no, no, you shouldn't do this.
- That is murder!
- Yeah, and it's premeditated, too!
Jack, you shouldn't do this!
You know what, Sinja?
You worry about pages six through 200
and you let me worry
about Mr. Tricky Tree over here!
And on that note, one last final word!
Timber!
Be glad you don't own a chainsaw.
Why did you do this to me?
I didn't do this. I wouldn't know how.
So, what, the universe cursed me?
Maybe.
This is between you and the tree.
Hey, wait a minute. If this is real,
what am I supposed to do?
You ever heard of this before?
You ever seen anything like this?
I've never seen it,
but there is a story of an old
monk that had a tree like this.
I always thought it was just a story.
He became very famous and honored.
So he lived.
No, he died.
Jesus.
No, his name was Stan.
I'm leaving for Bolivia tonight.
A spiritual retreat
in Potos called La Paz.
Let me talk to my colleagues there
about you and your tree.
Bolivia? Well, when you coming back?
- In three days.
- Three days?
What am I supposed to do until then?
If I were you, Jack, I'd be quiet.
Don't talk for three days.
How hard can it be?
Hello!
Shit.
Come on, Jack.
What is the purpose
in cursing you with a tree
that loses a leaf
with every word you speak?
That is ridiculous!
I guess you're right.
It's crazy!
It's ridiculous!
Did you see that?
See what?
A leaf with every word!
Jack, you slay me!
Oh, Lord Jesus!
God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, my God!
God, oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God!
Morning.
Good morning, sir.
What can I get started for you today?
What size?
All right, three venti lattes.
Would you care for a pastry? No?
Oh, mocha! Three mocha lattes.
Double chocolate-chip muffin! Yum!
You want three Paul McCartney CDs.
Awesome.
You know, I love the Beatles.
They are my life.
Assassination! Abraham Lincoln!
You, me, gun, shoot!
Three shots.
I know, I'm a little slow today.
All right, so three
lattes, three mochas,
double chocolate-chip muffin
and three shots.
No assassinations.
And three Paul McCartney CDs.
That's gonna be $68.12.
Could you tell me when
it's safe to cross?
Are you deaf? I said,
"Can you tell me
when it's safe to cross?"
It is? Thanks, fella!
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Hey, my brother, what's happening,
brother? What's going on?
Hey! Was that a drive-by?
What was that?
Somebody tell me, was that a drive-by?
Thanks, son! White people sure is nice!
Hey, Mr. McCall.
Hey, about my book,
any chance you read it yet?
Great story, right?
Oh, you did read it.
Oh, God, and you hate the story.
Okay, but the writing is good, right?
No? Well, why don't you lie to me?
You've been lying to me for three years
about how you couldn't read it.
Now suddenly you read it, you hate it,
it sucks and you just smash my hopes
on the rocks of
"Hey, Wayne, go back to Nebraska
"and shave sheep with your dad."
You don't know what it's like
to be a writer. I hate myself.
I hate myself, do you get that?
I hate myself!
I'll park your car.
Yeah, I'll park your car,
Mr. Encouragement.
Mr. McCall, thank God you're here.
I have a lot of messages.
Do you want to start with the most
recent or the most urgent?
You got a sore throat? Okay, don't talk.
Okay. How about some tea?
Cough medicine?
How about a notepad to write on?
Okay.
Well, then how am I supposed to know
what you want me to...
Mr. McCall, are you not speaking to me
because you're mad at me?
You found out that I left work early
yesterday. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, I have stomach problems
and I had to run home
because I can't use public bathrooms.
I'm seeing a therapist about it.
Okay.
Jack, is this about the Christmas party?
I'm so sorry.
That was the peach schnapps
that tried to kiss your wife, not me.
I mean, I don't want to kiss your wife,
even though her lips felt like heaven.
I'm gonna go.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You found my video camera
with the furry tapes.
Pardon me, Mr. McCall.
Samantha asked me to get you.
She wants to introduce you
to somebody.
Yeah, Mary, the jig's up, okay?
He knows what we do in here,
in his office, after work,
on his desk, in his chair.
Mr. McCall, I just want
to say, first of all
you know, she's the one that always
wanted to be the filthier animals,
like the skunk and the naughty beaver.
I tried to be the more dignified animals
like the wolf
and the California black bear.
And don't hurt me, I'm sorry.
It's just this sexual hunger I have.
It's insatiable.
I mean, you understand. You're a...
You want to go outside
and settle this like men?
All right, fine! Let's do it.
No, I didn't mean it! I'm sorry.
Jack, I have to introduce you
to Christian Lger de la Touffe,
European market.
Christian, this is Le Jack.
Bonjour. I've heard a lot about you.
Jack, tell Christian
the whole story about Sinja.
Tell him all the great details.
Go ahead.
Ecoutez. You're going to die.
Life is a journey.
Life is a what?
Life is a journey?
Can you repeat that, please?
Life is a journey.
"Life is a journey."
Life is a journey, yeah.
I don't get it.
You like to party on us.
- Good afternoon.
- Hi.
Jack McCall.
Yes, Mr. McCall, your party
is waiting for you. Right this way.
You want me to do all the talking?
No, no, no, I can't,
I don't know what to say.
Just do what you would do?
Is that good?
Wait, wait, wait, okay.
Let's have signs,
like if I'm doing well,
you pull on your ear. Okay?
And then that can mean that I need to do better.
That's fine, too.
We were starting to think
you stood us up.
Robert Gilmore, VP of Acquisitions.
This is Gil Reed, head of Marketing
at Simon and Schuster.
Handshake.
Come on, man, we are brothers!
Hit me hard and high, Gil.
Bam! That's right.
Aaron Wiseberger,
agent, friend of mankind
and a lover of every book
you guys have ever published.
Come on, what is this, Mickey D's?
Let's get some service up in here!
Got a man
with a bad case of the dry mouth!
Why don't you sit your ass down,
come on.
Good afternoon,
can I get you something to drink?
How about the distillery
to start off with, huh?
Vodka, rocks for me.
Four waters for the table,
and this fine guy right here,
is gonna have a hot toddy.
His voice is shot.
But you know what?
That's what he gets for screaming
for more lap dances all night!
You crazy bastard.
I have four waters,
vodka rocks, hot toddy.
My man.
Gentlemen, we don't
want to play games on this one.
Good, games are for children.
The statistics speak for themselves.
Dr. Sinja has a huge fan base
around the world.
We want to be the company
to broaden that fan base here.
We think we have a great offer.
A $250,000 advance
against 15% of the gross.
That sounds great.
All right, I'ma need y'all to quit playing
with me and pull out your big guns
because this is
"Show Me Your Dick" time, fellas!
Damn, Jack, look at you,
sweating like a bitch.
Just chill out, homey.
I got this. Gil, come here.
Gil, what I need from... Stay with me.
What I need from you
is to bring that paper.
You know, you got to turn the volume up
on that offer, homey,
'cause I can't hear it.
I'm a young man.
My ears are good. I can't hear it.
We can't go higher
if we haven't even seen the book yet.
That's what it sounds like.
Look, you can't expect us to bid higher
when we haven't seen the book,
can you?
That's ridiculous.
Do you know
who the hell you're talking to?
I'm Aaron Wiseberger!
You better recognize, son!
I find both your language
and demeanor insulting and intolerable.
Simon and Schuster doesn't
do business with spineless jerks. Gil?
No, no, no, wait! Wait, gentlemen, wait.
Listen, I'm sorry
if I offended you back there.
I was just doing my agent act.
You know?
I mean, I don't even have a real degree.
I went to community college,
and that was only because my grandma
was sleeping with the dean.
Good luck, gentlemen. You'll need it.
The wheels on the bus
go round and round
Round and round, round and round
The wheels on the bus
go round and round
All through the town
Wait a minute, Dads.
We have a lip syncher.
Mouther.
Everyone needs to sing along, Dad.
See, 'cause Tyler's
taking his cues from you, okay?
He really needs you to sing along.
The wipers on the bus go...
Swish...
Swish, swish, swish
Swish, swish, swish
Swish, swish, swish
The wipers on the bus
go swish, swish, swish
All through the town
Okay, Tyler,
are you ready to go to the moon?
Here we go!
He's finally down.
Can we talk?
It's kind of funny
how you got singled out in that class
for not knowing the words, right?
I mean, Jack McCall
not knowing the words?
That's a rarity.
It was really sweet, Jack.
It makes me very happy
to see the two of you in that circle.
I think it's really important
that you guys have at least one thing
that you do together, you know?
So, they offer it twice a week.
Which day would you prefer,
Tuesday or Wednesday?
Can't.
You can't.
You can't take one hour
out of your week
to be with your son? I don't understand.
What, the pool? The view? Wow.
I am trying to talk to
you about our child
and you want to fight
about the house again?
Look, honey, could you just try
for a second to talk to me about Tyler?
Just be here with me right now. What...
Apparently not.
Okay, that's good to know.
Sorry!
Sorry?
I'll let your son know
that you're "sorry."
My life.
It's our life, Jack.
I know that when we fell in love,
it was a whirlwind romance
and then it seems like
I brought up the idea of having a baby,
and, like, overnight we were pregnant.
But that's just how
life works sometimes.
Have you ever heard the expression,
"Man plans, God laughs"?
Two days.
Two? Two days till what?
Jack, what? To what?
Honey, you got to talk to me!
What? You're like a mental patient
with the pointing
and the grunting. What?
All of my talking is making you sick.
That's great. You know what?
I won't talk anymore.
How about that? You don't want to talk?
I don't want to talk, either.
Welcome to the international directory.
Are you looking for a country code?
Are you still there?
Yes!
What country
would you like the code for?
Bolivia.
I'm sorry. I couldn't make that out.
Bolivia.
Namibia. Is that correct?
No, stupid!
Let me connect you
to the next available...
International directory.
Country code, Bolivia.
City, Potos. Business listing, La Paz.
Sinja!
Yes!
Hello? This is Dr. Sinja. Who's calling?
Who's calling?
Jack McCall!
Jack! Yes, well,
you're calling for an update, yes?
I'm sorry, Jack, I forgot.
Trying to save our words, right?
Just make an animal noise
if I'm correct.
Good. Well, I have nothing yet,
but I return tomorrow
and I shall call you as soon as I land.
Bye, Jack!
Dickhead!
"Dickhead" is one word!
You are messing with the wrong guy!
What's up, my man? Can I get
something started for you today?
Sure. Venti triple-shot latte.
Venti triple-shot iced latte.
Extra milk?
Jack! What the hell happened
at lunch yesterday?
I got a call from Simon and Schuster.
They're pulling out of the deal.
They said some twerp junior agent
came to the meeting with you,
that he was rude, uncouth and stupid!
Now I have teed up
Random House perfectly here,
so don't screw this up, too.
These guys are ready to pay.
Just keep it down
to business and it's a done deal.
Miss Davis?
I've got Mr. Parker
from Random House on the line.
Okay, here we go.
It's a no-brainer, Jack.
A deaf mute could close this deal.
I'm late for a meeting.
Call me when you're done?
You promise you're gonna call me?
Don't let me down, Jack.
Jack!
Don Parker.
I got Sarah Elliot, Rick Panero with us.
Jack, are you there?
Hello? Jack, are you there?
Hello?
Good.
Hey, I guess Samantha
told you we were interested.
Great.
So what do you say we make a deal?
Jack?
Hello? You want to get started or no?
Good. Okay, listen.
Let's skip the formalities,
get right down to specifics.
We talked internally.
We thought
a realistic offer would be 250.
What do you say?
What if I bumped it up to 275?
You really need to consider the 275.
Why don't you run it by your people?
We'll wait.
Okay, okay, Okay-
Sorry, sorry, sorry.-
I just need to borrow this for a minute.
I'll explain later.
I need to borrow this. It's for Jack.
Rachel, I think
there's some real secret shit
that I'm gonna start telling everybody
if you don't give me the damn doll!
So what's the verdict on the 275?
Are you in, are you out?
We haven't even seen the book.
What's the problem? You don't trust
our publicity department?
You're damn right they are!
So what's the hang up?
Hey, you gonna start throwing insults?
Listen, if that's the way
you're gonna handle this,
we'll just call the whole deal off.
Check the attitude.
All right, Jack, look.
Just throw me a bone here.
What if I bumped it up to 300?
Fine! I give up! Five hundred!
If I get 500 approved,
are we closed?
You are gonna owe me
so big next time, mister.
Tyler is teething, poor thing,
and it's terrible, you know,
because he's not sleeping,
I'm not sleeping.
Jack's not getting any ass?
Can you...
He won't even baby-proof the kitchen.
Why in the world
would I give him some?
Are you wearing
granny panties right now?
Excuse me?
Are you wearing
granny panties right now?
And a nursing bra?
I am not answering that.
You don't have to.
I am doing the best I can.
I have a present for you.
What is that?
Do not judge me by what's in this bag.
No.
No, I cannot do this.
Why not?
Because I am not that kind of girl.
That's why they make tequila.
Tequila plus ass equals happiness.
How can I help you, sir?
Meeting someone.
I was told you'd be punctual.
My! You're a wee slip of a thing,
aren't you? But all right.
Climb aboard.
I'm so sorry about the mix-up.
Caroline McCall's in room 413.
You looking for someone?
I've been thinking about you all day,
about all the things I want to do
to you.
Let me help you.
Now why don't you
tell me what you want.
Tell me all the little
naughty things
you want me to do to you.
Bow-chik-a-bow-wow.
Don't be scared, babe.
Just spicing things up a bit.
Here's how it's gonna work, baby.
The more you say, the more I do.
So tell me what you want. Come on.
Talk dirty to me, Jack.
Don't you want me?
Yeah?
Come on, then say it.
Tell me what you want me to do.
Yeah, yeah, talk dirty.
Come on, Jack.
Come on, you can do it, that's right.
That's right, Jack, come on.
Come on, Jack, Jack.
Talk dirty to me, Jack!
I don't know what I was thinking.
Honey, I just wanted to try
to prove to you
that we could still have fun.
But I guess we can't.
So, I'm so embarrassed.
Okay, Jack, this isn't working.
We don't...
We're not what we used to be.
I mean, not since Tyler was born.
It's just different.
It's like we've forgotten
how to talk to each other.
I mean, don't you think it's different?
Jack, I don't even know
if you love me anymore.
Are you still in love with me?
Okay, well, then, you have to say that,
you have to tell me that, okay?
I want to hear you say it.
I love you.
No, Jack, please,
I need to hear it. Okay?
I need you to say, "Caroline,
I love you, and I want to be with you.
"I want to spend the rest of my life
with you and never let you go."
Can you please say that?
Can you say that?
Yes!
But that's it.
Okay.
Okay, so I think that
we should see a professional,
somebody that we can sit down
and talk to,
and they can help us
figure out how to end all this.
What?
There's a tree.
Losing leaves. Strength.
When I talk, leaves go.
And when leaves go,
I die.
That's what this is about?
Some midlife crisis bullshit?
You're here to tell me this poem
about your leaves falling,
like if you somehow
communicate with me,
you're gonna be less of a man?
Jack, get out
No, really.
Go.
I want to be alone, please.
Jack, now.
Jack! Hey, Sam is at lunch right now
closing your deal
with Random House and don't kill me,
but I stepped away from my desk
and somebody
sent a copy of Sinja's book over.
Are you mad?
Oh, look who it is!
- Hey, Jack.
- Hi, Jack.
What is this, casual Fridays?
Okay, look, we got to lock this up,
get them excited and signing
before they change their minds.
Did you bring the book?
It's okay. Mary's bringing a copy later.
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
You breathe that stuff in and, boom,
it make you loco!
Now we're all here.
All right, let me catch you up to speed.
We're talking about
marketing and rollout strategies.
Marketing and rollout strategies.
I think we should all
be thinking globally.
Boom!
I was gonna clean my room
Until I got high
Are you okay, Jack?
Jack?
Can I get you some water? All right.
Sir, may I bring you something to eat?
Maybe you'd like to start
with a lovely salad.
He'll just have water, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yes, it's getting us all quite giddy,
the whole idea of it.
So, I think, as far as television goes,
we want a full-scale media blitz.
Morning shows, late night,
all the talk shows.
With a book like this,
we can target discount stores,
club chains, coffee shops.
I also think
we should look at product tie-ins.
Like Sinja's diets or workout tapes.
Good idea.
I've prepared contracts, which you'll
find at the back of your packets.
You'll notice
that the price has gone up slightly
and that's to reflect the author's
marketing commitments to this project.
No, thank you, Jack. I'm on Atkins.
But I really don't see any reason
why we shouldn't go ahead
and sign this right now
so we can all move forward together
as one professional team.
Jack!
Yeah, I could have just emailed this
to you.
The book is just five pages.
I'm sorry, what?
Ira, I'm sure this is all
some sort of misunderstanding.
- Samantha.
- We'll be in touch.
Jack! What the hell is wrong with you?
Acting like
a drunk 3-year-old at the table?
Not telling me
that Sinja's book is five pages long?
Don't you have anything at all to say
about this?
Jack, you're fired.
Okay, okay, please calm down.
I need you to relax, Mr. McCall.
'Cause I'm here
to help you get your job back.
I am and we're gonna do it.
But right now, I'm just really concerned
about that vein in your neck exploding.
I'm going to get it this time, I promise.
I promise. Here we go.
Okay, you.
Yes, that's you.
You...
You're talking... You talk?
Okay, we've established that.
And it's snowing.
No? Okay. Okay, yeah.
Obviously not snowing.
The leaves.
The leaves fall...
The leaves fall off the tree.
Okay. Okay.
When you talk,
all the leaves fall off the tree.
Okay, this is fun.
It's not fun. I didn't mean it like that.
And when all the leaves
fall off the tree,
you are asleep.
Okay. You're not asleep.
You're illegal. You're a stop sign?
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You're vogueing?
You...
When all the leaves fall off, you die!
Oh, listen, I get it.
I get it. I once took acid in college
and I thought for sure
that my hair had a heartbeat.
But it didn't!
Okay.
Pancake.
It's a coincidence.
It's not a coincidence, you idiot!
Look, you just lost five more!
I'm sorry. Can I be really honest here?
I think I know why Samantha fired you.
'Cause this is very crazy.
This is like Britney territory.
Okay, well said,
Mr. McCall, but I'm gonna go.
No, it's cool, we're cool. We're cool.
Stay? You want me
to keep an eye on the leaves?
Okay.
Never thought I'd miss
the marshmallows.
Wait, where are you going?
To pray?
To be an angel?
Okay, got it. Good luck!
Pancake.
How about now?
Falling as we speak.
Hello.
Thank you. God bless you.
Oh, my God, all the leaves just fell off
What?
No, I'm kidding.
God bless you.
Hallelujah. Now what?
Nope.
Mittens! Mittens, come down!
Come down, Mittens.
Falling?
Yeah, they are.
And, Jack, Samantha's office called.
They want me back.
I'm sorry.
Jackie, dinner time!
Here you go, sweetie pie.
- Voila!
- I knew it was gonna be ham
and mashed potatoes!
Mom, may I pick my piece first?
You may,
because you asked so politely.
Thank you.
There you go.
Shake it, don't break it, Jackie!
Hey, remember
the "I Love Ham" dance? Do that dance.
Jackie.
Jackie, it's me. I mean, I'm you!
Hey, Jackie, we're here!
I'm us! Jackie, I'm here!
No, Dad, you're not here.
You were never here. You left.
I'm not Dad.
Pie. What a concept.
You can't get pie in Bolivia,
not like pie in America.
Fruit pies, cream pies...
Sorry.
It's quite amazing
how many thoughtless words
one can speak.
Don't you think?
You don't look well, Jack.
Your marriage is over?
She took the baby and left.
Your job, too?
Sorry, Jack.
All I have for you are my beliefs,
and, well,
this snow globe from the airport.
You unhook me
from this goddamned tree!
- Please, Jack.
- I'm dying!
I know you're scared.
And I know I told you
I'd come back with the answer.
Well, the answer is
there is no answer.
No one knows about this tree, Jack,
and believe me, I tried. Okay?
I don't know
how this is going to work out for you,
but what I do know
is that you need to find peace.
If you think I'm a charlatan,
then why are you here?
You want my advice?
You need to find the truth
about yourself.
It's quite simple, Jack.
You need to get quiet.
Not just with your mouth
with your mind.
And in that quiet, you
will hear the truth.
Do you have any other
unresolved relationships in your life?
Good.
Good.
Then your wife,
does she know that you love her?
I tell her that all the time!
Words? More words, Jack.
You tell her, like meaningless leaves
that fly off a dying tree?
Words.
Can't you show her that you love her?
Make peace.
Show them that you love them.
And be truthful.
You need to accept the possibility
that when all the leaves
fall off that tree...
Mr. McCall?
Mr. McCall?
Hey! I've been calling and emailing,
and I got great ideas
about how to save your job.
Sinja's book can work.
I know, I'm excited, too.
We've been thinking about it all wrong.
Mr. McCall, are you listening?
Are you okay?
What'd you do to yourself?
You smell like my dad.
You need some help? No? Okay.
I'm not sure that getting drunk
is the best plan of attack right now.
You.
It's all your fault!
Oh, yeah, how do you like that?
Cheers!
Freaking weed!
Mr. McCall, stop talking. Come on.
You know, fertilizer is crap!
That means that technically,
you eat shit!
Stop talking, you idiot!
Just stop!
That's it.
What?
What are you doing?
I'm ending it. And I'm ending it funky!
Yeah, okay.
It's a hot beat.
That's the shit. That's Harold Melvin
and the Blue Notes.
Featuring Teddy Pendergrass!
Sing that shit, Teddy!
Bad luck That's what you got
Jack, stop talking.
Bad luck sure 'nuff got a hold on you
Jack, what are you doing?
Done lost your woman.
- I lost my woman.
- Jack, shut up!
You know what that means now?
Not a goddamned thing!
Jack, what are you doing? Stop talking.
What does it matter?
Look at my family. Look at my people.
- Jack!
- Look at my people! It's beautiful.
This is beautiful, my family, huh?
You're killing yourself! Stop!
- You know why?
- Stop!
'Cause I got bad luck
Jack!
Shut up!
You never think you got
Bad luck, bad luck
Stop talking!
Oh, thank God.
Caroline.
There's really nothing in college
that prepares you
to work in the real world.
Tree, can you hear me?
Tree.
We're dying, tree.
Please, tell me what to do.
It's me.
My name is Jack McCall.
If you can hear me,
what you're listening to
is not the sound of my voice.
It's the sound of my inner voice,
the one inside my head.
Mr. McCall?
Hello?
Can you hear me?
It's Emily from the nursing home.
It's your mom's birthday
and she expects Raymond to be here.
Mr. McCall?
Look.
I know what you want,
but I just don't think that there's
anything more to talk about, okay?
Because you won't...
You.
Me.
We.
Eternity.
Is this for me?
It's a Beatles record.
It's the White Album.
It's an original first press!
Is this really for me to keep?
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Go get his car.
You actually read it?
Brilliant.
Brilliant? Really?
Wow.
Sold.
Sold?
Sold? That's $10,000!
That's $10,000! I love you, man.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I'm gonna take care of that for you
right away, Mr. McCall.
I'll gas it, too.
Who's responsible for this?
You are going to love that,
I guarantee it.
Yeah? Take a taste.
I want to ride the roller coaster.
I want to ride the Ferris wheel.
I want to ride the roller coaster.
I want to ride the Ferris wheel.
- Roller coaster.
- Ferris wheel.
It's sunny, but it's windy.
Should we go?
You can wear my sweater.
Is that why you wore a sweater
under your jacket?
You knew I would say that.
After 42 years, you're still trying
to get me alone on the beach.
Maybe. Maybe.
Raymond, is that you?
Raymond, is that you?
Yes.
Raymond, you finally came.
Sit!
Tell me, tell me, what you been doing?
It's my birthday.
You want some birthday cake?
What?
You can't talk. Your throat.
Rest then, Raymond.
I have so much to tell you.
Do you like my room?
It's so nice.
I've got all my things here.
But sometimes,
I get lonely.
Raymond, I get so...
But then, I can always count on Jack.
Jack always comes.
And he brings me flowers,
helps me, and when we go for walks,
all the ladies are jealous
because he's so handsome.
I'm just so proud of him, Raymond.
See, you missed Jack
grow into the greatest man.
I mean, he's amazing.
He can do anything.
I mean, Jack's my only reason to live.
But he's so angry.
Mad at you, mad at himself.
Now, I think he believes
you left because of him.
He was just a kid,
but he carries that anger every day.
I wish he'd let it go.
He'd be much happier
if he'd let it all go.
Raymond,
you need to tell Jack
how much you love him.
We're family.
Life's
not worth living without family.
Right?
Right?
Isn't someone going to sing to me?
I like cake, don't you, Jack?
Bye, Ma. I love you.
Hi, Dad.
- Jack?
- Yeah.
I'm not Dad. I'm you.
- I'm Jack, too, you know.
- Are not.
- Am, too!
- Are not.
I missed you, Dad.
Where have you been?
You left and then I saw you a few times,
but then it was a long time.
And then you died.
I'm so sorry, Jack.
I guess you never know if the
last time you see someone
is going to be the last time
you ever see someone.
I wish there was a way
I could make it up to you.
There is.
- How?
- Chase me. Come on!
I forgive you.
Jack? Jack?
You're not going to believe this!
Jack, the tree, it came back to life
and it's incredible! You can talk.
You've written a beautiful book, Jack.
I'm so proud of you.
You're hugging me again, Jack.
We spoke about this.
That's why I'm alive! This is the real me!
That was a fake me that died.
I just love you so much. Come here.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Friends.
Namaste.
Welcome to my office,
the outer manifestation
of my inner being.
You're both inside me.
What a beautiful book. What a gift
to hold, to read, to sell.
- Hey, Aaron.
- Yes.
No chanting.
Of course. Forgive me, wise ones.
All right, we got three offers here,
three big offers.
Hey!
Any of these three would be fine.
No, no, no, ain't no need to rush,
homey, we got all the leverage here.
All right, what we
have is an opportunity
to pit all three of these suckas
against each other
and just grind 'em into the dirt.
Just take 'em for every last penny
they got, you know, and...
In an entirely spiritual way, of course.
You know what, Aaron?
You're the big agent now.
You got your name on the door.
Why don't you pick, huh?
May I interest you in a slice of pie?
I'd love to, but I really have someplace
important I need to be right now.
What? More important than pie?
Actually, yes. But give me another hug.
I love you!
That's right. I'm the big agent now.
That's my name on the door.
Steven!
Why is there a wasabi pea
in my Asian trail mix?
I am so sorry, Mr. Wiseberger.
I thought I got them all.
Well, here's one.
There's a delivery for you.
Well, bring it in.
Oh, shit.
Hold still, let me get
this open for you.
Jack, I don't like surprises.
You know I don't.
You're gonna like this one.
You know what happened
the last time I tried to do a surprise...
- You're gonna like this one.
- What is going on?
- I'm putting the baby down.
- Okay.
Okay, all right, okay.
- Can we please take it off?
- Okay, now, I'll take the blindfold off.
- Yes, please, take it off.
- Take it off. Okay.
Jack, this is the house
I've been trying to get you to come see.
You have to see the inside.
I've already seen the inside.
What do you... Why?
Are you thinking about making an offer?
Oh, no, I can't.
- Why not?
- I already own it.
Wow.
This is a step in the right direction.
Yes.
But you can't just
do this one thing, Jack,
and think that everything
is gonna be hunky-dory.
- That's not how it works.
- I hear you.
You do?
You hear that?
What?
The silence.
It's quiet.
I like it.
Who are you?
Honey, the tree.
- How did...
- Oh, yeah.
I had Gaudencio carefully dig it
up and next thing you know...
Boom, it's a tree there.
- Boom.
- Boom.
Boom, boom, boom.
- Did he say, "Boom"?
- Yes.
- Boom.
- Oh, shoot!