1
[instrumental "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas]
Al Capone headed
to the hoosegow!
Al Capone headed to
the hoosegow, extra, extra!
- What do you say, Mike?
- [Mike] Hey, they busted Capone for taxes.
- What?
- Believe that, Gus?
Not killing
or bootlegging, taxes.
- Strange world.
- Yeah, ain't it?
Al Capone headed
to the hoosegow!
Al Capone headed to
the hoosegow, extra, extra!
[dramatic music]
Some Christmas presents.
I asked for cufflinks.
Nicky's got the car out front.
You talk to the hotel manager?
It's done.
They canned him.
[Capone] An indoor kiddie park
and a washed-up architect.
This better work.
[Sal] Don't you worry, boss.
It'll all go like you planned.
[Capone]
Nothing goes like you plan.
Hey, you all right there, Gus?
No, Mike, not really.
[man] You the kiddie park guy?
Excuse me?
Hey, stop, what'd I do?
- Hey, what are you guys doing?
- Mind your business.
Hey, hey,
you got the wrong guy.
What? What?
I didn't do nothing!
Hey, what?
I-I don't understand.
What'd I do?
[man] I hear you been having
some trouble with the banks.
What? I...
- Me too.
- You.
- You're...
- Call me Al.
I... sir, please, believe me,
if I lost your luggage
or something, I...
He thinks he lost my luggage!
Ah, shut up!
It's not that funny.
I-I... then what do
you want me for?
You need some scratch
for your little kiddie park,
and I need to diversify.
Wh... you want to finance
my theme park?
I got kids too, you know.
They love the carousel.
Personally, all that spinning
makes me want to puke.
[mimics gagging]
Go on, take a look.
Oh.
These... these are my blueprints
for the park.
I ca... whoa.
What's this?
I don't... I didn't desi...
I didn't design this.
Yeah, that's a little something
extra I want you to build.
Are these booby traps?
That doesn't look safe.
It ain't supposed to be.
I don't ever want nobody
to ride it
or even know about it.
This is between you and me.
I'm... I'm sorry.
I don't get it.
It's probably better
that you don't.
Can you build it?
Well, to these specifications?
I mean, buildings like this
would cost a fortune.
Can you build it?
Well, yes, yes,
technically yes.
- Drive.
- What?
[Capone] You need a carpenter,
painter, you name it.
You need a decorator?
My wife, she's got a real eye
for that artsy-fartsy junk.
Last week,
she bought these statues,
you know,
a pirate, a mermaid,
and, um... what was
that other thing, Nicky?
- Sea hag.
- [Capone] A sea hag.
Things look so real,
the cat thinks they're alive.
[yowls]
Put them in Happyland,
class up the joint.
Sal, tell that mook
down at the docks
we need more of them pirate
statues like Mae got me.
- You got it, boss.
- Um, Mr. Capone,
I'm sorry, sir,
but I can't do this.
- You just said you could.
- I... I know
but I... I can't build something
to hurt or kill people.
Suit yourself.
- Kill him.
- [tires squeal]
[Gus] Oh, don't.
Whoa, whoa, wait!
Wa-wait, please, wait!
Your turn to dig
the hole this time.
- Wait, I'll give you references!
- I dug the hole last time.
- I got a family!
- Last time the guy was a jockey.
At most it was,
like, half a hole.
You win! I'll do it!
I'll do it! I'll do it.
Let him have it, boys.
Go.
We don't got all day.
[instrumental "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas"]
[all] Save Happyland!
Save Happyland!
Save Happyland...
[woman] Happyland, a cherished
Chicagoland institution
since 1932,
but rising costs
and weak attendance
have taken their toll
over the years,
and despite loyal customers,
crowdsourcing campaigns,
and multiple unfounded claims
linking the park
to Al Capone's lost fortune,
the money and the rides
have all come full stop.
Happyland is out of business.
How can you have Happyland all
to yourself for three days
and not want to search
for the loot?
Because I have a job to do,
and I know fact from fiction.
Okay, but what if you're wrong?
We'll never have a chance
like this again.
After next week nobody will.
[Ben] Let it go, Henry.
In your thesis you said
that Capone always stashed
his loot in different places.
Some of it's got
to be at Happyland.
- How did you get my thesis?
- It's online.
Put any crap on the Internet.
[Henry] And the architect,
this guy,
Gus Whatshisface,
one day he's bankrupt
and working as a bellhop.
The next he's got a million
bucks to build Happyland.
Come on, nobody found that odd?
Henry.
Happyland isn't that big.
He wouldn't have needed
half of that.
Then what did he spend it on?
Listen, the Happyland
legend is a hoax.
I've told you that 100 times.
There's no hidden ride.
- There's no hidden loot.
- But dad...
It is a fairy tale, Henry.
You're getting to be
a little too old
to still believe in them.
[man] For Bluebeard's fish
and chips on the corner
of 120 and 176.
What do you say, Polly?
[mimics parrot]
Polly like a bargain.
[Ben] What... what year
is the nickel?
Yeah, uh, no.
[chuckles]
Sorry, uh, maybe 100 bucks.
You know, today's market,
I don't know.
Maybe 4 million.
Yeah, I hope you...
hope you find one too.
Keep dreaming.
4 million for a coin?
Like, ancient King Tut stuff?
1913 Liberty Head nickel.
No way.
Dad, DWP said we're
45 days late on the bill.
I'll get to it after lunch.
I need you to print out
that picture and place it
in next month's catalog.
Henry can take the counter.
There's a customer
coming in later
that I would like
to handle myself.
I bet you would.
- Shut up, Henry.
- [Ben] Stop fighting.
Henry, mark all of those
Happyland posters 20 bucks each,
and Joy, I'm sorry.
We just... we don't have time
for you to goof off
with your friends today.
I'm not gonna goof off.
I never do.
[Henry] That's true.
She'd have to have
actual friends to do that.
Stop fighting.
At least I know how to swim.
Enough!
[soft music]
Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
I'm sorry.
It's just that the business
isn't doing well as well as...
Your mother was
so much better at this than...
It wasn't supposed
to be like this.
It's hard to believe
you were ever that cute.
[Joy] You remember
when we were little,
and mom and dad used to travel?
And they would always
bring us back...
[both] A puppet.
What was with that?
Today dad told me to stop
believing in fairy tales.
Do you?
I don't know.
Is it a fairy tale for us
all to be happy again?
[bell jingles]
Get ready to have your mind
explode all over your pants.
Footprint of a baby sasquatch.
- Not today, Truman.
- Where'd you get this?
My cousin Wendell
in Wisconsin.
What makes you think it's not
just some kid who was barefoot?
Maybe, or maybe that's
just what the government
wants you to think.
Nice perfume, Joy.
What do you call that?
- Lemon Pledge.
- Well, it's just enchanting.
- What are you doing?
- I promised Lainey
I would assemble
this cereal box toy,
but these instructions
make no sense.
I've got slots fitting into holes
and holes fitting into slots.
A won't fit into B,
and C doesn't fit into D.
It's chaos.
Whoa, whoa, don't tell me
that's from Happyland.
- So?
- So it's cursed.
You guys got to get that
thing out of here.
- No way.
- It's totally true.
So Al Capone used to have all
these weird cursed statues, right?
And they made him go insane,
so they got moved to Happyland,
and that's why Happyland
went out of business.
Wait, how can a statue
make someone go insane?
You guys never heard of this?
According to legend, there was
this pirate, Captain Drake.
This was, like, 400 years ago
or something like that.
So Captain Drake was, like,
this real player, right?
The dude had girlfriends
all over the world,
and then one day he meets
this beautiful mermaid, Aubrey,
and he's like, "Hey, baby.
"I got my own pirate ship,
and I'm rich and stuff.
Want to go out?"
and she's like,
"Only if you can get me
the treasure map
"from Esmeralda the sea witch.
That'll prove yourself
to me or whatever."
And he's like,
"But I already got
a bunch of treasure
and bling and stuff,"
so she's like,
"Dude, you don't get it.
"In the witch's
treasure chest are, like,
"all these platinum magic wands,
"and each wand can cast
a different spell,
"like turning people to stone
or making them poop dolphins,
"so when she shows up,
we got to kill her,
or she'll destroy us all,"
and Drake's like, "No problem.
I'm always packing,
"plus we got a buttload
of swords and muskets
and cannonballs and junk,"
and she's like,
"Hello, McFly,
the only way kill a sea witch
is to keep her out of water
like a fish, duh."
- Poop dolphins?
- Shh.
[Truman] So Aubrey's like,
"Get me the map
so I can get the wands,
and then I can rule the world
'cause being a mermaid sucks,"
so Drake goes to Esmeralda
and is like,
"You want to go out?"
and she's super lonely
'cause nobody ever
hangs out with her,
so she's like, "Yeah,"
so she, like,
falls in love,
and when she's not looking,
Drake steals her treasure map.
[dramatic music]
He grabs his crew,
and them and Aubrey
dig up Esmeralda's
treasure chest,
but here's the thing.
Nothing was in it.
So Esmeralda shows up,
and she's like,
"What up, losers?
I always keep my wands on me.
"All sea witches do,
"which you'd know
if any of you even bothered
to fricking talk to me,"
and they're like,
"No, don't kill us!"
and she's like,
"I don't kill people,
buttwheats.
"I just turn them to statues
till the spell is broken
by true love's kiss."
So Aubrey jacks Esmeralda,
and the pirates are like,
"Girl fight!"
But a wand misfires and poof,
and everyone gets
turned into a statue.
The end.
That is the stupidest legend
I have ever heard.
[Henry] Happyland was
in business for over 80 years.
That's not exactly cursed.
Maybe, but they are
tearing it down.
So we hunting for Capone's loot
this weekend or what?
- Not happening.
- Aw, come on, man.
The place is gonna be
a parking lot next week.
Dad said no.
He's got to get over
the YouTube thing.
Behold.
[crowd groans, murmurs]
Nobody even remembers
Dr. Drawers.
[both] Professor Underpants.
Whatever.
[Joy] There.
Oh, it's a little boat.
I think it's a little car.
I think it's a pancreas.
Why would it be a pancreas?
[bell jingles]
Hi, Lainey.
I made you a...
a thing.
Thank you.
So you want to
hang out with us?
No.
She's still waiting, Henry.
[Truman] Do you have any posters
of Megan Fox in here,
ideally in something clingy?
Put those down.
[Joy] This computer
won't even turn on.
I swear, a computer
from this century would be nice.
"A, B, C, D,
"put the letters together,
turn back,
and you'll find the ride."
No way.
[Joanie] Tell Lainey
I'll be home by story time,
and she better not skip
the true love's kiss part.
I love you, Benny.
[female voice] To repeat
this message press one.
[Henry] Dad, dad!
Dad!
- Not now, boys, not now.
- Henry found the blueprints!
- To what?
- Al Capone's ride!
[exhales, sniffs]
Hi.
Uh, hello.
Welcome
to Joanie Loves Tchotchkes.
- May I help you?
- Hey, uh, Jody, right?
- Joy.
- Right.
[boy] Dude, this place smells
like my grandma's house.
Like, go browse or something.
I talked to somebody yesterday
about a vintage comedy record.
Oh, "Who's On First."
Yup.
That was me.
Yo, check it out,
Treasure Hunt.
- I had this.
- No one cares.
Anyway, uh,
how's 5 bucks sound?
Yeah, this one's pretty rare.
We can't go lower than 40.
Are you sure?
5's good.
Great.
You getting more
Happyland stuff?
Oh, yeah, a bunch.
Since they've closed,
we've been able
to dig through the entire park.
Sweet.
That must be awesome.
Tell you the truth, it's kind
of spooky with everybody gone.
Hold on.
Are you saying you guys have
the entire park to yourselves?
- Just for the weekend.
- I'd go on the rides 24-7,
especially the Pirate's
Cove waterslide.
Actually, they've already
taken away a bunch of the rides.
They didn't take away the pool,
did they?
How do you take away
a pool, idiot?
I don't know.
They have methods.
Whatever.
I told you
he wouldn't believe us.
[Joy and guys laughing]
You should throw a pool party.
Hey we should look
for Al Capone's treasure.
Oh, hell no!
Yeah, I'm not really
into parties,
especially ones requiring me
to wear a bathing suit.
Come on.
I bet you look great.
- We're really not allowed to.
- Just a few people.
You don't always do
as you're told, do you?
- Seriously, I... I can't.
- Come on.
Go wild just for one night.
Do they still have
the Tunnel of Love?
How few people?
Hey, aren't you
the kid that freaked out
and peed down
the rope climb in P.E.?
No.
- Yes.
- Dude, that was classic.
My little sister
has it on her phone.
Yeah, well, he can't swim.
Shut up, dude.
Hey, Laine,
what you got there?
Somebody left this for daddy.
I must have gotten
the days wrong.
Lainey.
Lainey.
Lainey!
Oh, God.
What is it?
"Notice of conviction."
Eviction, genius.
We're getting kicked out
of the building.
I knew there was a lot
of medical bills, but...
We really got to move?
30 days, unless we pay
the last three months rent.
I... I got a Pokmon card
we could sell.
Well, how much is it worth?
50 bucks.
That's not gonna cover it.
We cannot tell dad about this.
Henry, this is not
like hiding a report card.
- Just wait till tomorrow.
- Why?
Because we're gonna find
Capone's loot at Happyland,
and we're gonna find it tonight.
Henry, Dad tried for years.
Yeah, dude,
and he was an expert
and had assistants
and could drive.
How are we gonna find it
in one night?
He didn't have the blueprints.
Joy can take us with her
once Dad goes to bed.
What makes you think
I'm going to Happyland?
We heard about your little
late-night skinny dip with Chip.
We were never going
to skinny dip.
Is it okay if
I keep my shirt on?
I didn't know there'd be nudity.
There isn't going
to be nudity.
Henry, this is a bad idea.
So is doing nothing.
[soft dramatic music]
Mom got sick,
and she fought it
the best she could.
Dad took over the shop,
and he ran it the best he could.
Now we have the blueprints,
and we are going to try
to find it the best we can.
Are you with me or not?
I'm in.
I'll drive you.
I'm in, but I'm still not
taking my shirt off.
Nobody wants you to take
your shirt off.
[Joy]
Let's say you do find this ride.
Isn't it rigged with a bunch
of booby traps or something?
That's what
the blueprints are for.
They lay out the traps
so we can get past them.
[fanfare music]
Whoa.
Let's go.
- Hey, perfect timing.
- Hi, Chip.
- Hey, let's hit the waterslide.
- What's the deal, Chip?
This place is lame already.
There's, like, no one here.
Why does it smell
like popcorn in here?
Maybe because there's
popcorn in here?
Oh.
You don't mind if our
girlfriends join us, do you?
Me?
No, sure, great.
Great.
You're the best, Joy.
Oh, yeah, I'm the best.
I'm just delightful.
"A, B, C, D,
"put the letters together,
turn back,
and you'll find the ride."
What does that mean?
I have no idea.
Slow down, dude.
What?
I'm hungry.
[soft dramatic music]
[rock music] [man] Gonna
take you home tonight
Show you to my friends
[all scream]
[animatronics] It's a very,
very, very fun day
In a very, very,
very fun way
As sweet as honey pie
The time to hibernate
is nigh
It's a very, very,
very fun day...
This ride always
gives me the creeps, man,
like Teddy Ruxpin
and Annabelle had babies.
[animatronics]
Very fun way
[door creaking]
Daddy?
Hey, sweetie.
- There's a monster under my bed.
- Oh.
[soft dramatic music]
[Truman groans]
Not the Tilt-a-Whirl, man.
I just ate.
Is the B a clue?
I think so.
- Can I watch TV?
- [chuckles]
A little bit.
[rock music]
[man] It's all been said
- It's all been done...
- Yo.
[man] You've had your time
and you've had your fun
You really shouldn't do that.
He don't care.
Why do you?
Think fast, Joy.
[country music]
[dramatic music]
D, D, there's got to be a D.
Ah, platinum wand
on a worthless statue.
[suspenseful music]
Oh, yeah.
[Esmerelda] Ah.
Whoa.
[Ben] Lainey!
[both scream]
Oh!
Henry!
[electricity crackling]
Joy.
My nose.
That witch melted my nose.
Don't move, boy.
What realm of hell is this?
Drake!
[both screaming]
Henry! Henry!
Henry!
Lainey?
Lainey!
What have you done to my wand?
I'm a rock star
- Lainey?
- [Lainey squeals]
- Lainey!
- Whoo, whoo!
- Lainey.
- Do you mind?
[dramatic music]
- I took a bath before bed.
- Shh.
- [pounding on door]
- Is it robbers?
[Esmerelda] Open up, human.
You burnt my hand.
[Esmerelda grunts]
Get back, witch, I banish ye.
"Banish ye"?
Ew.
Wand now.
Please don't eat my child.
Well, that's very offensive,
deeply offensive.
Look, it's land-dwelling humans.
They must pollute nature
and destroy the earth.
How's that feel, huh?
How's it feel?
Just as I thought,
arrogant,
devolved monkeys.
Should we call 911?
I'm not sure
who you call about that.
[soft dramatic music]
Oh, thank goodness.
I'm starving.
- [balloon pops]
- [yelps]
Ow!
[growls]
Oh, ha,
now I get it.
The others escaped.
The boy says this place is
some kind of permanent carnival.
Where is the sea witch?
Wh-what's a sea witch?
Ah, wrong answer.
- Ah!
- [Aubrey] Let's try this again.
Where is the sea witch?
[suspenseful music]
I... I don't know.
Who are you?
This is Aubrey,
mermaid maiden
of the Caribbean Sea,
heir to the throne of Atlantis,
and future ruler
of all creatures
floating above
and below the surface.
- And you are?
- Chip?
Chip.
Where is the sea witch
who turned us to stone, Chip?
I don't know, okay?
I don't know what you're talking about.
- [clears throat] May I?
- Please.
Ah! Look, oh, just stop, okay?
Please.
Ju... ask Joy, okay?
- Joy knows about this place.
- Joy?
[Drake] One of
the wenches they were with.
- I can call her for you.
- Untie him.
I need my phone.
It's in my jacket.
Stand back!
He has a small rectangle.
No, no, no,
it's just my phone, see?
This device,
reveal its secrets to me.
- Now!
- Okay, uh, here's the camera,
and these are the apps,
and this is
the phone to call Joy.
Angry Birds?
What is it you've done
to displease them?
[animatronics] It's a very,
very, very fun day
In a very, very,
very fun way
As sweet as honey pie
The time to hibernate
is nigh
It's a very, very,
very fun day
It's a very, very,
very fun day
[cell phone rings]
[whispering]
Chip, are you okay?
Joy?
Where are you?
Hiding in Teddy Bear Forest.
Hello?
Hello?
[gasps]
Don't do that!
- What's going on?
- The legend, it's true.
[Henry] You think?
- I can't get a hold of Dad.
- Me neither.
- [Truman] I don't have a phone.
- Who doesn't have a cell phone?
My parents say I talk
to much as it is.
[all growling]
[all scream]
Strange devices.
- Are you a wizard?
- I'm a shopkeeper.
Can you smelt?
My wand must be fixed at once.
Smelt?
I actually... I can.
I'm a bit of a historian,
and I learned to do that one...
That's very compelling.
The 21st century?
A.D?
[Ben] Afraid so.
Oh, this is why I hate
suspended animation.
You never know
where you wake up.
Where... where did I wake up?
Illinois.
The Midwest?
America?
I've never heard of it.
Do you have a name?
Of course, my apologies.
I am Esmeralda,
sea witch
of the Eastern Shores.
Ben Perry, storekeeper
of Joanie Loves Tchotchkes
- Antiques and Collectibles.
- Ooh, what's a collectible?
A collectible is... is something
valuable that people collect.
- What makes it valuable?
- Because people collect it.
- Why do they collect it?
- Because it's valuable.
This is why I'm a hermit.
Get smelting, Ben Perry.
When I see that mermaid
and that pirate,
they'll be defecating
dolphins by the pod.
What's taking so long,
Ben Perry?
Well, this could take a while.
I mean, you know,
people just usually bring in
rings and stuff.
I don't see too many magic wands
of unspeakable power.
People don't usually
break mine in half.
Fortunately, I never
leave my lair without...
oh, oh, no, my wands,
my platinum magic wands.
I...
- What?
- Oh, I must have dropped them.
Well, it's okay.
We can find them.
We just retrace your steps.
- When did you last see them?
- 400 years ago.
Oh, so probably not
under the couch then.
I'm stuck here without...
no powers, no treasure.
I'm pathetic,
like some sort of human.
Please, you are
destroying my store.
Daddy?
[Ben] Oh, Lainey, honey,
I am sorry I got distracted,
but it... it's okay.
I'm... I'm fine.
I'm fine.
It's not for you.
[soft music]
It's okay, they did this
on "Doc McStuffins."
Are you really a sea witch?
Most of the time.
There, all better.
Thank you.
Now if you would be so kind
as to direct me towards
the nearest body of water,
I need to submerge myself
every hour, or I'll dry out,
shrivel into a husk,
and perish a death so painful
it's beyond human comprehension.
Bummer.
Her, that's her.
Torture her.
Release the informant.
- You turned us in?
- You snitch.
Hey, can I maybe, like,
get my clothes back or...
No, no, whatever.
That's cool.
I love being outside
in my Speedo.
Chip, help us, please.
Leave
or perish.
Bye!
Where is Esmeralda?
Who is Esmeralda?
Where I'm from,
harboring a witch
gets you burned at the stake.
We're not harboring anybody.
What does harboring mean?
I think it's
a type of yachting.
Cap'n, look.
Oh.
Aubrey.
Where is this statue?
[dramatic music]
[sighs]
Feeling better?
Very much so.
What do you call that?
Indoor plumbing.
- Mmm.
- So I finished the wand.
Oh, excellent.
Ah, we will need
a living test subject.
Any neighbors
you're not fond of?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
All right, fine.
The plant will suffice.
[whimsical music]
- That's amazing.
- Misfire.
The real becomes fake.
Then the fake becomes real.
Oh, I can't defend myself
against Aubrey like this.
It's okay.
We can... we could duct tape it.
- Use a duck to do what?
- It's an adhesive.
- You would wrap it around and...
- Wrap it around the duck?
The... the wand,
and it would ho...
- And then the duck would...
- No duck, no duck.
Forget duck.
Oh, you could...
Hold your hand
over the broken part like that,
keep it together.
I do that with my garden hose.
No, see, then the one
holding it becomes a statue.
I can't sleep.
There's a monster under my bed.
[Esmerelda]
Monster?
Oh, not tonight, Lainey, okay?
[Esmerelda]
This must be Aubrey's doing.
Stand back, child!
Oh, no, no, no, no, Esmeralda.
No, no, no, no.
Show yourself, goblin!
[playful music]
[crashing]
Esmeralda?
Open the door!
That'll teach you
to prey upon children!
Open the door, Esmeralda!
[grumbling, grunting]
Ah.
Ha.
Oof.
[sighs]
Well, my work here is done.
No more monsters.
Hello, hag.
[dramatic music]
So all these guys came to life
when you cut the magic wand
and broke the spell?
Yeah, pretty much.
Where was that
in the story, Truman?
Yeah, could have used
that info, a-hole.
So sue me.
I'm not up-to-date
on all my
17th-century immortal folklore.
I'm not immortal.
I can't survive without water.
Yeah, Truman,
like that could happen.
We went through everything.
All we found is the broken wand.
[growls]
You're hiding something
from me, hag.
I can tell.
You've got a secret.
The other wands fell
in the tide
when we were fighting, remember?
They've been gone 400 years.
Take the broken one and go.
The broken one, right,
that makes pretty little
butterfly pictures come to life.
How sweet.
What do I care
about giving life?
Real power is in taking it,
and we're about to do that now.
Aubrey, it works if you hold
the pieces together.
And freeze myself
in the process?
[scoffs]
Nice try.
This has all been
a complete waste of time,
all four centuries of it.
Get rid of them.
Wait.
We have a treasure map.
[Ben sighs]
You know, we could have
taken two cars.
Or at least
one without flatulence.
[Drake] Odd cartography
for a treasure map.
"A, B, C, D,
"put the letters together,
turn back,
and find the ride."
Chauncey, you can hide this
contraption behind the building.
[Chauncey]
Captain.
Bluebeard!
Ugh!
That scallywag
nearly sank our ship.
Death to Bluebeard!
[pirates shout]
Drake, focus.
Right.
Death to Bluebeard...
[pirates shout]
Right after we take care
of this other thing.
What makes you so sure there's
platinum and treasure here?
Because my dad
once wrote there was.
He's the best treasure
hunter of all time.
I knew Pizarro and Cortez.
They're good too.
- Oh, I... oh.
- Esmeralda!
- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm all right.
I just... I need some water.
- They have a pool here.
- No.
No water for the hag
until the treasure is found.
This could take a while.
She could die.
Then I guess that gives
you hag lovers some incentive.
Drake, can you find it or not?
Aubrey...
I have found treasure
in every corner of the world.
I think I can handle
this one dwelling.
[Drake]
I've got it.
I was intrigued by the name
of the place,
the restroom,
so I ventured in.
Incidentally, the floor is not
very comfortable to lie down on
and also kind of sticky.
Esmeralda, what's that?
- I have no idea.
- Quiet.
[Drake]
"Put the letters together,
"turn back,
and you'll find the ride."
What can you spell
with A, B, C, D?
Only two things,
B.C. and A.D,
indicators of time.
There's but one wall clock
in this dwelling,
and what do the hands
on a clock do?
Aubrey?
They turn.
[Drake] Exactly.
"Turn back."
Therefore, the ride lies
right here!
Um, Captain,
th... that is a circuit breaker.
So?
So if you try going through
that, you'll get shocked.
Stand aside, boy.
Nothing shocks me.
I'm a pirate.
One!
Two!
Three!
Oh, no, Ben Perry.
Oh, no, they found my locks.
We can't escape?
Joy, take your sister.
Hide in Teddy Bear Forest.
Boys, get to Horror Hollow now.
- What about you and Esmeralda?
- We'll be their diversion.
- There's only four of them.
- Daddy.
It's okay, sweetie.
It's okay.
Kids, go, now.
[all coughing]
I'll get the hag.
You get the others.
What are you doing?
[glass shatters,
gumballs clattering and rolling]
[Ben] Uh...
[Esmerelda] On this side.
Don't move.
- What are in these?
- Water.
Open them.
[grunts]
[grunting]
Blast.
I got her.
Run.
No, no, no.
- Oh, here, here.
- Okay.
[both grunt]
Go, go.
- What do we do?
- Keep your voice down
and don't move.
- [both growl]
- [farts]
[Henry] Dude.
[Truman] I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
[both growling, grunting]
[Truman] Ow, I sat on something.
[all shouting]
Okay.
[animatronics] It's a very,
very, very fun day
In a very, very,
very fun way
As sweet as honey pie
The time to hibernate
is nigh
It's a very, very,
very fun day
[grunts]
[animatronics distorted singing]
I guess he doesn't like
that song neither.
Shh.
[animatronics slowly singing]
Hi, you're not still mad
about the super balls, right?
[growling]
I think he is.
[both groaning]
- We got to get the kids.
- [groans]
[electricity crackles]
[bulls bellow]
[Ben] Oh!
[exciting western music]
[Ben screaming]
[bulls mooing]
[car horn honks, tires squeal]
[western music plays
over stereo]
Ben?
Ben Perry?
Perhaps this is of some use.
Give that back.
That's mine.
I got to pee.
He can't even figure it out.
The A flap connects
to the B hole,
- which connects to the...
- Shh.
[soft dramatic music]
A connects with B.
Guys, I just figured out
why no one ever found the ride.
- Why?
- Because it was never built.
[Truman] Well, that sucks.
[Henry]
No, you don't understand.
[Joy] What happened?
Where's our dad?
- Did he get away?
- [Aubrey] In a way.
Your father was
liberated by cows.
- Cows?
- Cows?
Ow!
What'd you do to my daddy?
- [Esmerelda] Hey, no, no.
- [pirate groans]
[Aubrey]
What is wrong with you?
Don't tell me you
actually care for these brats.
[Esmerelda] Leave them alone.
This fight is between us.
They have nothing
to do with this.
Exactly.
They're useless,
and so are you.
Oh, ow!
- Okay, all right.
- Tomorrow I sell them.
They've got to be worth
some platinum to someone.
[Henry] We could get
the treasure for you.
- Just let us go.
- Why?
So you can electrocute
more of my pirates?
I'm not falling
for any more lies!
[Joy] That's not fair.
We tried to warn him.
Then let me warn you
in return.
Try and escape,
and I will animate
every creature in this park
to tear all of you apart!
Sweet dreams, kids.
Oh, and if you smell the stench
of death in a few hours,
it's just dehydrated sea hag.
Did you find the father?
Angus, stay here.
I'll be in the pool.
Oh, Patch, Chauncey,
feel free to honor
your fallen captain
by pillaging Bluebeard
and his reasonably priced
fish restaurant.
[both laugh and cheer]
Aww.
I never get to pillage.
Do you think daddy called
the police by now?
Totally.
Don't worry.
We'll be rescued in minutes.
Doesn't matter.
Aubrey has that wand,
and... she can destroy the world,
and she will.
Help isn't coming, you guys.
- We need to help ourselves.
- How? We're locked up.
Esmeralda, what could you do
if we could find some platinum?
Could you defeat her?
[Esmerelda]
It depends on how much.
I mean, a little bit,
I could defend us.
With a lot,
I could...
I could defeat her.
Why?
Because I know
how to find the treasure.
Guys, I just found the D.
A through C aren't locations
on the map.
They're items.
Connect A with B with C with D.
That's the ride.
Okay there, Bob the Builder,
how are we supposed to do that?
We just got to get out of here.
Yeah, one teensy detail.
Excuse me.
Excuse me?
Hi, I'm sorry.
What's your name?
- Angus?
- Aye.
Angus, oh,
I love Scottish guys.
- Are you from Scotland?
- Aye.
[Truman]
Got a real wordsmith here.
[Joy] Angus,
this is gonna sound silly,
but this might be
my last night alive...
And I've never kissed
a boy before.
Would you kiss me, Angus?
Really?
Really?
[Joy] Shut up, Truman.
[Truman] Forgive me.
I don't want to ruin
a romantic moment
with you and a smelly pirate
who hasn't brushed his teeth
in 400 years!
- [growls]
- Minimum!
Joy, what are you doing?
So... with tongue
or without?
Surprise me.
Shut your eyes.
[suspenseful music]
- Well, I'm surprised.
- Me too.
[soft victorious music]
I'm so glad my mom
didn't see that.
All right, Henry,
let's get building.
So how does it work?
The wheel steers.
Lift it up, and the ride stops.
Push it down, and it goes.
[dramatic music]
Only one problem.
Once the ride begins,
if the engine idles too long...
it'll explode.
The same thing happens
to my grandpa's Pinto.
[softly]
Boom.
[Joy] Okay, Henry.
Good safety tip.
Let's go.
[laughs]
Hold on tight.
[grinding]
Well, that was a letdown.
What?
No, no, no, no.
The Tilt-a-Whirl car seems to be
connected to the floor somehow.
So what's the deal, Henry?
It should have worked.
Pretty lame, dude.
We put the letters together.
We turned back
out of Teddy Bear Forest.
Where's the stupid ride?
[both] What do you do with
a drunken sailor?
What do you do
with a drunken sailor
Early in the morning?
Everybody's right.
This urban legend stuff
is a complete waste of time.
From now on I'm just
gonna do normal stuff
- like everybody else.
- What does normal stuff mean?
- To fit in.
- Huh.
Guys, if we can't find it,
we might want to think of
a plan B and, you know, leave.
[gasps]
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
I just turned the wheel
backwards a little.
Of... of course!
We don't turn back.
The wheel turns back.
Do it again.
[grinding]
Oh, my God.
Keep going.
[Henry] Keep going.
Henry, you did it!
[banging]
What's that sound?
[pirates singing] -What?
Oh! -They're coming!
Hide, hide.
Come on, hide.
Now or never.
Shotgun.
Get in, hurry.
Henry, the blueprints.
Stop them!
[train whistle blows]
[all screaming]
Which track, which track?
Uh, middle looks safe.
[Henry]
No, no, we take the left.
[Truman] The left?
It's a brick wall, dude.
I'm telling you,
we take the left.
Hold on.
- What the hell is that?
- [Henry] It's the engine.
It's about to blow.
We got to make a choice.
How positive are you?
I don't want to die a smudge.
- 50%?
- Punch it, dude.
[all screaming]
It's a sponge.
- It's a sponge.
- [laughs]
Get them, get the platinum,
and get back here.
Now!
Don't be cowards.
Children just went down there.
I'll send you reinforcements.
Go.
Go!
Aubrey, the hag.
Why can't you just die?
[buzzer sounds]
Whoa.
We're home free, dude.
Joy, read the directions off
to me in order.
"One left, two right,
three left, four right."
These read like dance lessons.
Sweet, I got an
A in square dancing.
You sure?
Number one's left?
Left.
I hate square dancing.
If we've got to do anything
like that, just shoot me now.
Just remember,
the first is left.
What... what's number two?
Joy, what's number two?
Um...
two right.
Three left.
Right.
Left, left.
[clang]
[both whimper]
Quick right, Henry.
- Right!
- Quick right, Henry.
[both straining]
[buzzer sounds]
[all screaming]
Not exactly like square dancing.
[buzzer sounds]
Nobody's answering, sir.
They're here.
My children are here.
The... the pirates are here,
the mermaid, and the sea witch.
- You have got to believe me.
- Oh, I do.
Mermaids, witches,
and pirates
have taken Happyland hostage.
Happens all the time.
What about the cows?
You saw the damage
the cows made.
The magic cows, yeah.
Sorry, were magic
beans involved too?
Good evening, officer.
Daddy, have you
been drinking again?
Lainey, what is going on?
Oh, this is starting
to make sense now.
Thank you for
bringing him back.
- You live here?
- Of course not.
My parents are clearing out
a bunch of stuff
before they tear up Happyland.
Right, mother?
Right, mother?
Oh, yeah... uh, yes, that is...
that's correct.
Yes, that man is my husband,
and, uh, I am her mother,
and we are her parents.
We engaged in human
sexual reproduction,
which resulted in her birth.
Well, all righty then.
You folks have a nice night.
[Lainey] Thank you, officer.
I'm sorry, Ben Perry.
I had no choice.
- Ow.
- Hey, get your hands off of my daughter.
Your brats
are stealing my treasure.
- What?
- They built a contraption
and disappeared
into a chamber below.
- Move inside.
- Henry found the ride?
- Angus, lock them up. Move.
- Henry found the ride.
What are you, a parrot?
"Henry found the ride.
Henry found the ride."
I said move.
- Ow.
- Don't touch her!
Back to base and... shoot.
Uh, unit 22, shots fired,
shots fired at the corner
of Benedict and Irvin,
shots fired at Happyland.
Idiot!
What were you thinking?
Throw down your weapons
and come out with your hands up.
My reinforcements
are on the way.
So are mine.
I have a special job
for you two.
Come with me.
[both whimpering]
Ooh, mama.
[wood creaking]
I've always loved you.
[both scream]
[water splashes]
Holy crap.
I hate loops.
I hate a fiery death.
I hate what's after it.
What's the clue
to get past here?
There's no clue.
We just time it right.
We time it,
and we get past the fire.
What do the blueprints say
about the gap?
There's no gap
in the blueprints.
- What?
- Huh?
There's no gap
in the blueprints.
That pipe, it must have
washed away the tracks.
- We got to go back.
- We can't.
We have to.
Esmeralda can't defeat Aubrey
without platinum.
[train whistle blows]
[Henry] Guys, we might not
get out of this alive,
so Truman, I'm the one
who broke your Xbox.
What? You said my dog
knocked it over.
I lied.
Henry, I posted that video
of you having diarrhea
in white pants.
- Why?
- Something to do.
- Joy?
- Oh, God.
We're legally married
in Nigeria.
[Henry] Hang on.
[all screaming]
[victorious music]
[suspenseful music]
[Truman]
What'd you do?
Nothing.
The ride shut itself down.
Where are we?
I don't know.
I... I can't read in this light.
Yeah, I kind of helped myself
to a few things
off the gift cart.
Guys, I think we're there.
Where's all the loot?
What happened to the money?
More broken pipes.
It's ruined.
It's useless.
Oh.
I found some jewelry.
That's something at least.
Any of it platinum?
Maybe.
You okay, dude?
We followed all
the directions.
We did everything right.
[soft dramatic music]
I'm sorry, man.
You know...
even the best directions
don't always go
where they're supposed to.
[suspenseful music]
Like now.
This is your last warning.
Lay down your weapons
and surrender
before anybody gets hurt.
I know you can hear me.
You don't have
to take orders from a fish.
She's dying.
Let us out.
He won't listen to you.
They're fiercely loyal to her.
I never should have
cut your wand.
None of this would have happened
if I didn't cut the wand.
If you hadn't,
I'd still be a statue.
Is there anything else
that I can do for you?
Well, you could talk to me.
Of course.
[soft music]
I've been wondering something.
Lainey told me your mate
passed from this realm.
Joanie died 18 months ago.
I've never known anyone
who's perished.
Sea witches live
for centuries.
Usually.
They're lucky.
You think so?
I've always seen it
as more of a curse.
Longevity can drive you mad
when you're alone, Ben Perry...
But a short life
full of children...
Sometimes it's hard
to move into the future
when so much of what you love
is already gone.
Not all of it.
[dramatic music]
You guys do know that money
is ruined, right?
Fine, don't believe us.
It's not worth killing us over.
Guys.
You sure it's an exit?
Not in any way whatsoever.
- Works for me.
- Forget it.
We have no way
of knowing where it goes.
We could all drown.
We're better off hitching
a ride with them.
Besides, they need us
to start the ride.
[train whistle blows]
Or not.
Next time they turn away,
dive in.
Okay, I can't swim, okay?
I admit it. I can't swim.
It's okay.
I got floaties.
Why are you wearing those?
Well, you guys went swimming,
and Chip had a six-pack.
I wanted you to think
I had muscles.
Truman.
Just give me
the damn floaties.
That mermaid was never going
to let us go free, was she?
Please don't do this, guys.
Don't you care about human life?
Well, they're not
human or alive,
so I don't think
they really care.
Do you?
Okay, before you guys do this,
there's one thing
you should know.
We were stalling.
Ow!
Ah! Ah!
[all screaming]
We're rich!
Hold the gold there,
Moneybags.
Those things are pennies.
- [Henry sighs]
- [Truman yelling]
[Truman groaning]
Truman, are you okay?
- Is it bad?
- It's gonna be fine, buddy.
Doesn't even look
like it's bleeding.
- Really?
- Sure.
If you're gonna get shot
with an arrow,
the butt's the place to get it.
Where are we?
I think we're in the bottom
of the wishing well.
How much do you
think is down here?
Over 80 years of coins,
enough to pay off
the rent maybe.
Who cares?
I got an arrow my ass.
[soft dramatic music]
Henry.
We're free.
Let's go.
- I'm not moving.
- [Henry] What?
Dude.
- Lainey's still stuck up there.
- Come back for me.
It really doesn't look that bad.
Oh, yeah?
Want mine?
- Just yank it out.
- No.
Besides, I can never
make that climb.
I couldn't do
the rope at school.
How am I gonna do that
with an arrow in my butt?
Truman, you're a lot tougher
than you think.
No, I'm not.
Didn't you see my muscles?
Now climb the damn rope.
Okay.
What are you looking at?
The hostage standoff continues
with Happyland under siege.
Local authorities also consider
the suspects as persons of interest
in releasing a herd of cattle
onto the streets of the city
and pillaging a popular
local seafood restaurant.
All right, what's next?
Puking, I think.
Look over there.
That's the only attraction
that's being guarded.
Joy, get some water
for Esmeralda,
and we'll meet you back
at the jail.
How are we supposed
to get past Angus?
I don't know.
I know.
[electronic game music
playing faintly]
[playful music]
Wha...
stuck.
[Truman] Let's go.
[Angus yelping and grunting]
Come on, Joy.
[dramatic music]
For too long we have been
playthings to them.
[all cheering]
We have been
possessions to them!
But after today
we will be rulers to them!
[both] Dad, dad.
[Ben]
Thank God you're all right.
[Henry crying]
Henry?
You were right, dad.
It was a fairy tale.
[Ben] What?
[Henry] I thought that
if I could find the money,
that we could be happy again,
but all that was down there
was a bunch of loose change
and ruined bills.
You were right, dad.
I failed.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Here.
Here, sit down.
Henry, Henry, listen to me.
You found Al Capone's ride.
You didn't fail.
My God, you redeemed me...
But happiness isn't something that
you can find for someone else.
They have to find it
for themselves.
And I'm looking at mine
right now.
- Dad, can we go home now?
- [Esmerelda] No, no, no, I c...
I can't leave without my wand.
Please.
The only platinum we found
in the vault were these watches.
Let me see.
These could work.
The power of five,
keep them alive.
[groaning]
Boys...
ball...
roll.
[hisses]
I hate balls.
- Time's up.
- Suit them up.
Suit up!
We're going in.
Everybody, let's disperse now.
Disperse.
But remember, the magic
only lasts a short time.
So how do we get the wand
away from the bad guys?
Yeah, how's a little
bling gonna help?
With these, inner strength
becomes outer strength.
What does that mean?
Mm, I'm very glad
you asked, young man.
Let's see.
Who'd like to do the honors?
Ah, Miss Lainey.
[soft dramatic music]
[all laugh]
Sweet.
No way.
[dramatic music]
Hello, hag.
Give us the wand,
and we'll leave in peace.
Or what?
Or by the time
this is all over...
You'll all be pooping dolphins.
[all laugh]
[all yelling]
[witch] My broomstick!
[groans]
I don't think
they followed us in.
[growling]
The music isn't playing.
Guys, where are the bears?
[bears growling]
[all screaming]
- [grunts]
- [groans]
Time to sleep with the fishes.
[growls]
[laughs]
[roars]
[gasps]
[snarls]
[dragon roars]
Freeze!
[roaring]
Never mind.
[dragon roars]
[Ben] Kids!
What happened to you?
We just got jacked
by the Care Bears.
I found the way out.
[chuckles]
- [electricity crackling]
- [gasps, groans]
What kind of witch breaks
another witch's broomstick?
I...
Oh, never mind.
I've got something
much better now.
Then why don't you use it
to fight the dragon
before he incinerates everyone?
But this party's
just getting started.
I need a spell
for a special occasion.
What do you have in a dolphins
flying out of one's butt?
[grunts]
[gasps, exhales sharply]
[laughs]
Water!
Run!
Stop doing that.
Don't move.
We could have worked together.
We could have
controlled everything,
but you chose to side
with the humans.
And where are they now,
your pathetic dream of a family?
They've abandoned you.
Goodbye, hag.
[shrieks, groans]
Esmeralda, come on!
[Henry] Nice throw, Lainey.
- Run, Esmeralda.
- We'll cover you.
Eat this, mermaid.
So much for the watches.
Forget the platinum.
I'm gonna destroy them, hag,
one by o...
[dolphins chattering]
[shrieks]
[laughs]
Let's go!
Come on.
[Ben] Don't look at him!
[exciting music]
[Lainey screaming]
[roars]
[dragon roars]
[crowd screaming]
They don't have that
at Six Flags.
[Henry] We found half your wand.
[both] Hurry.
[Joy] Go, go, go, go, go!
Run!
Esmeralda!
[Henry] Esmeralda!
Wait.
Are you locked out?
What are you doing?
Listen, I have to go.
What?
Why?
Henry, listen to me.
Remember one thing, all right?
What is it?
Normal is boring.
- What's going on?
- Is she locked out?
- She's not coming.
- What?
Kids, it has to
be this way, all right?
Joy, listen to me.
You would make any mother
very proud.
[soft dramatic music]
And Truman...
I'm sorry
about your buttocks.
- Thanks.
- [Esmerelda] You're welcome.
Kids, go, now.
What are you
still doing there, Esmeralda?
- It has to be me.
- You can't do this.
You'll freeze yourself again.
It has to be me, Ben.
No, Ben, Ben, listen to me.
They're my happiness too.
Esmeralda, let's go.
I can't, sweetie.
Yes, you can.
I have to do this, okay?
No, no, you have to come!
Please, please go!
Esmeralda, no!
Esmeralda!
- Shh.
- No, Esmerelda!
[alarm blaring]
[dragon roaring and snarling]
[dramatic music]
You get back, dragon.
I banish ye!
[dragon roars]
Whoa!
[soft dramatic music]
[chuckles]
You two look comfortable.
Shh.
Since we fought evil together
and she kissed me and stuff,
do you think that means
we're going out?
No.
Don't bump her head.
[Henry]
Did they try stopping you?
No.
Most of the cops were distracted
by the giant dragon statue.
Can you break her wand again?
[Ben]There is no wand, honey.
I love you.
[soft music]
[Lainey crying]
[Joy quietly]
Come here.
[sighs]
Wow, that was a rough night.
[all laugh]
Oh.
[all laugh]
[Esmerelda] Ben Perry.
- Have you been waiting long?
- No.
Do you know that taxi drivers
don't like it
when you ask if you can drive?
- Why?
- I do not know.
The Catskills.
Dutch Schultz's hidden loot.
Uh, no, but I've, uh...
I've got some theories.
Uh, Professor,
can I call you back?
And... and thanks,
thanks so much.
Uh, guys...
I got my grant.
[chuckles]
Isn't that amazing?
We don't know what you mean,
but we're happy for you, Daddy.
Yeah.
Oh, you know,
I always imagined that one day
Mommy and I would
pass the store
along to you guys,
but...
Plans change, I guess.
[Henry] Dad, Dad!
I thought you guys were cashing in
the coins from the wishing well.
Yeah, that didn't go
how we thought.
- Well, what's wrong?
- [Joy] Oh, nothing.
Do you remember
telling us the other day
about rare coins
from the early 1900s?
Yeah, why?
Did you find one?
Not exactly.
Okay.
What's this?
We found 58.
["Believer" by American Authors]
[all] I'm just a believer
That things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
I'm just a believer
that things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
[Zac] I'm a little bit
sheltered
I'm a little bit scared
I'm a little bit nervous
I'm goin' nowhere
I'm a little bit jealous
I'm a little bit slow
I'm a little bit hurtful
And I don't wanna let it go
No
And I don't wanna let it go
I'm a little bit angry
When everyone's around
But I get a little lonely
When no one's out
[all] I feel my demons
misleading me
I'm just a believer
that things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
I'm just a believer
that things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
[Zac] Maybe when I get older
and I'm in the ground
Weights off my shoulders
It was bringing me down
[all] Down
[Zac] I've never been
that lucky
I've never tasted fame
[all] Fame
[Zac] I'm always lookin'
for something
But I ain't changin'
[all] Time fades
There's no space
As life breaks new ground
I'm just a believer
that things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
I'm just a believer
that things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
It doesn't matter
what is out there
My head is spinnin'
and I won't bail out
It doesn't matter
what is out there
'Cause time fades
There's no space
As life breaks new ground
I'm just a believer
that things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
I'm just a believer
that things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
I'm just a believer
that things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don't wanna let it go
[vocalizing]
And I don't wanna let it go
Thank you. Thanks.
I've been out here for...
- [both growl]
- Oh, no.
- Go away.
- [bear growls]
Go away!
[dramatic music]
[boy] This story is
by Mason Henry Parrish.
The end.