Kris: Alright Pengrove.
Kris: It's crunch time.
Kris: The holiday seasons are coming up fast.
Kris: Faster than an elf on Adoral.
(Laughter)
Pengrove: So true.
Kris: Can you imagine?
Kris: So
Kris: I'm not technically retired.
Kris: But I still get dozens of letters from kids.
Kris: Asking for gifts.
Kris: Oh, no, but what's on the agenda today?
Pengrove: The schedule is free today boss.
Kris: Any um...
Kris: Any mail come in for me today... or?
Pengrove: No.
Pengrove: No Mail.
Kris: What about Nutcraker? Any Mail?
Kris: (High Pitched) No Mail.
(Laughter)
(Hysteric Laughter)
Kris: (High Pitched sounds)
(Hysteric Laughter Continues)
(Hysteric Laughter Still Continues)
(Awkward silence with sigh)
Kris: You sure there's nothing n the schedule for me today?
Pengrove: Well, you could work on the list.
Kris: (to himself) The list.
Kris: The list is my top priority throughout the year.
Kris: Without it, I wouldn't know who's been naughty or who's been nice.
Kris: I mean, you'd have good kids getting coal. Bad kids getting presents.
Kris: Come christmas time, it would be utter chaos.
Kris: (Excited) Let's work on the list.
Kris:( Laughing) Okay.
Pengrove: (Let's do it)
Kris: Alright, alright.
Kris: Uhh..
Kris: Okay, well... Where.. Where is the list?
(Music Jingle)
(Music Jingle)
Kelly: Yeah we're releasing the new cookie just in time for Christmas.
Kris: Kelly?
Kelly to phone: I need you to get the order together ASAP.
Kris: (Whisper) Kelly?
Kris:(Whisper) Just...
Kris: My wife Kelly runs a really successful business.
Kris: Mrs: Kringle's Cookies.
Kris: So she's really busy most of the time.
Kris: I mean she doesn't deliver toys to every single child in the entire world in one night, but yeah, her cookies are really good.
Kelly: You need to get it together okay?
Kelly: Huh, whats up?
Kris: Hey, uhh... Have you seen the list?
Kelly: I'm sorry, what list?
Kris: The list honey.
Kris: You know, the list that I make and check twice.
Kris: So I can see whose been naughty or nice.
Kelly: Yeah, wow, are you still doing that?
Kris: Yes, I'm still doing that.
Kris: How else would the kids get their presents?
Kelly: I don't know. Internet?
Kris: (Sigh)
Kelly: Oh, um, cookie?
Kris: Kelly, the list is missing.
Kris: This is no time for cookies!
Kris: Alright, I guess a few wouldn't hurt.
Kelly: Anytime is a good time for cookies.
Kris: What's with all the decorations pal?
Nick: I'm just getting ready for the holiday season.
Kris: You got the played looking like a haunted mansion.
Kris: (murmur)
Nick: I know.
Kris: Uh, uh, cookie?
Nick: Are they gluten free?
Kris: My son's in college now.
Kris: He's going to take over for me once he graduates.
Kris: We are really proud of him.
Kris: Have you, have you seen my list?
Nick: Hey, look at that. I gotta go.
Kris: Where you going pal?
Kris: Out.
Kris:(sigh)
Kris: Hey Candycane.
Kelly: Hmm.
Kelly: Yeah sugar plum.
Kris: Do you think Nick hates me?
Kelly: What? No.
Kelly: No, of course not.
Kris: Because I think he put up those Halloween decorations just to spite me.
Kelly: He's in college.
Kelly: You know, he's just trying to be his own man.
Kelly: I think this Halloween thing is just a phase.
Kris: You're probably right.
Kris: Oh. What am I going to do about the list?
Kris: Christmas is ruined.
Kris: You think Somebody stole it?
Kelly: You Just misplaced it.
(Shattering Sound)
Kris: (Whisper) Did you hear that?
Kelly: It's just Nick, go back to bed.
Kris: What if it's the thief that stole the list?
Kris: And they're back to steal your cookie recipes.
Kris: I'm about to go waffling on someone's ass!
Kris: Hmm.
Kris: Nick
Kris: Is that you?
Kris: Pengrove?
Kris: Jeff.
Kris: What are you doing here?
Jeff: (Mumbling and Slurring) I got kicked out of my apartment.
Kris: (Sigh)
Jeff: Can I stay here for a while?
Kris: I.. you know.
Jeff: I got no place to go bro.
Kris: (Sigh)
Kris: First I lose the list.
Kris: Now I got my brother to deal with.
Kris:This is the last thing I need.
Jeff: (throwing up)
Kris: Oh. Oh.
Kris: Oh. Oh. Oh come on. Oh
(Sound of video game lazers)
Jeff: Bro you look really stupid in this.
Jeff: Snow globe.
Kris: The spirit of Jack Frost is trapped in that snow globe. I'd be careful with that, if I were you.
Jeff: I can feel it in my Bones.
(More lazers)
Jeff: So hey listen, I got this burning sensation when I piss.
Kris: Look I'm really busy here Jeff.
(Video game explosion)
Kris: I'm really busy okay.
Nick: Hey dad.
Nick: Could Rachel come for dinner tonight?
Kris: Ask your mother.
Jeff: Ooh lala. Who's Rachel.
Nick: My girlfriend.
Jeff: I almost married the girl I was dating in college.
Kris: Jeff, don't. No.
Kris: Come on. you didn't even go to college.
Jeff: I was a janitor at one.
Jeff: Kris think he's so important.
Jeff: I mean...
Jeff: So what. He's Santa Clause.
Jeff: He never brings me any gifts.
Jeff: Ho. Ho. Ho.
Jeff: Psf. Horseshit.
Jeff: It smells like ham and cookie farts in here.
Kris: Well it certainly is very nice to finally meet you Rachel.
Nick: Dad she's been here like a dozen times. We've been dating for like three months.
Kris: Oh uh..
Kris: I thought that was a different girl. Who was the other girl you were dating?
Kris: She was so, so pretty.
Kris: She was so...
Kris: No, no. Rachel is very pretty, I wasn't saying that.
(Awkward Silence)
Kris: The food is very, very good honey. It's delicious.
Kelly: Thank you.
Jeff: It's a bit Bland for my taste.
Kelly to Jeff: We're just so happy that you're here. Jeff.
Jeff: Me too.
Jeff: Thanks.
Kelly: Uh, so how was school Rachel?
Rachel: Good, I'm done with my pre-med classes this semester.
Jeff: Beauty and brains.
Nick: Rachel is going to be a doctor.
Jeff to Rachel: Hey listen, I get this burning sensation when I -
(Sound of kick under table)
Kris: Hey!
Kelly: Your parents must be very proud.
Rachel: Yeah my mom's a doctor, so I'm kind of following in her footsteps.
Kris: Oh well that is very, very interesting.
Kris: Did Nick happen to mention what I do for a living?
Rachel: No he didn't.
Rachel: What do you do?
Kris: Well I'm a bit of a celebrity. I'm known by several names.
Kris: Old Saint Nick. The brits call me Father Christmas.
(Kris laughing)
Kris: I've been told I resemble a bowl full of jelly when I laugh. Look at this.
Kris: Ho. Ho. here get a closer look. Look.
(Kris laughs)
(Kris laughs)
Kris: Right?
Kris: A bowl full of Jelly.
(Kris continues shaking belly)
(Kris clears throat)
Kris: Im Santa Clause
Rachel: Oh
Rachel: I don't really celebrate Christmas. I'm Jewish.
(Jeff laughing)
Nick: That's right dad.
Nick: Rachel's Jewish.
Kelly: So does that mean you celebrate. Hu.. Hannukka?
Kris: Where do you get your gifts?
Nick: Who cares where they get their gifts.
Kris: No but where do the Jews get there presents?
Nick: You know I don't care that she doesn't celebrate Christmas.
Nick: I think it's a terrible holiday glazed with consumerism masked as family tradition.
Nick: Kind of like this grotesque ham.
Kelly:Uh.
Kris: You leave the ham out of this.
Kris: And who are you to talk, you look like a long lost illegitimate child of Marylin Manson.
Kris: Hah.
Kris: Hey Kelly.
Kelly: Did you have sex with Marilyn Manson. Did you?
Kris: It looks like you did.
Kelly: Well, right now I wish I had.
Nick: You leave mom, Marilyn and the rest of the beautiful people out of it.
Nick: And you know what?
Nick: I think Christmas is the worst Holiday there is.
(Silence)
Kris: you.
Kris: You stole the list!
Kelly: Kris!
Kris: Admit it!
Nick: What list?
Kelly: Kris, you are way out of line right now.
Kris: (Whiny) He's trying to sabotage Christmas, Kelly.
Nick: This is bullshit.
Nick: I'm out of here. Rachel let's go.
Kelly: Wait, Nick, no. Honey.
Kris: Oh. Oh. Where you going? You going to your real dad?
Kris: Huh?
Nick: I wish Marylin was my real father.
Kris: Oh Fine, ooh yeah. Just walk away huh.
Kelly: Way to go.
Jeff: It was nice to meet you. Rachel.
Kris: Hey, where do you think you're going pal? Huh?
(Kris makes sickly sound.)
Jeff: Bro. You alright? You don't look so hot.
Kris: I'm fine.
Kris: I'm Santa Clause damn it!
(Sickly sounds)
Kelly: Kris!
Kris:Grunting
Pengrove: Boss!
Pengrove: Boss!
Kris: What?What?
Pengrove:Get up.
Kris: What happened?
Kelly: Well, you acted like an ass and then you passed out.
Jeff: Yeah we thought you kicked the bucket bro.
(Jeff Laughs)
Nick: Alright he's alive.
Nick: Let's go.
(Squeaky floor)
Rachel: If you don't mind me asking, what's your diet consist of?
Kris: Umm... milk and cookies.
Kris: Christmas ham.
Kris: I'm on the go a lot. So I have to eat on the go.
Rachel: I'm only pre-med so you should talk to a doctor but...
Rachel: I think you have diabetes.
(Jeff laughing hysterically)
Jeff: Perfect.
(Video game lazers)
(More video game lazers)
Kris: I lost the list.
Kris: My family hates me.
Kris: And I'm probably gonna die.
Kris: Other than that, I'm fine.
Kris: Other than that, I;m just...
Kris: Great.
Pengrove: (High pitched) Hey boss.
Pengrove: I've got some good news for you.
Pengrove: You're going to bring present to all the children in the world and make them so happy.
Pengrove: Christmas is going to be the best-
Kris: No!
Kris: Pengrove!
Kris: No nut cracker!
Kris: The List!
Kris:Where's the list Pengrove.
Pengrove: I've searched the whole house boss.
Pengrove: I can't find it.
Pengrove: There's no list.
Pengrove: You know boss...
Pengrove: I think the people of the world can take care of themselves.
Kris: No.
Pengrove: But you still need to take care of your family.
(Pengrove picks up bells)
(Ringing bells)
Kris: Alright everyone.
Kris: Come on in here.
Kris: Gather around.
Kris: I got something I wanna say.
Kris: You too Jeff, wake up.
Jeff: Hard eight, eight the hard way.
Kris: Alright, I know you all hate my guts right now.
Kris: Okay, I just wanted to apologize for the way I was acting last night at dinner.
Kris: It's just that Christmas isn't what it used to be. And I'm having a hard time dealing with that.
Kris: I mean people have written songs about me.
Kris: Parents would take their kids to the mall to sit on a complete strangers lap...
Kris: dressed up like me, so they could tell them what they would want for Christmas.
(Kris sigh)
Kris: I just, I just really miss that.
Kelly: Well you were acting like a jerk last night.
Kelly: I understand that the last few years have been really hard for you.
Kelly: I mean...
Kelly: We have so much to be grateful for.
Kelly: Everything you've done for us...
Kelly: And you deserve to be happy too.
Kelly: So we forgive you.
Kelly: Right Nick?
Nick: Yeah I forgive you.
Nick: I don't hate Christmas. I just wanna do my own thing you know?
Nick: I don't wanna be Santa.
Kris: If Halloween is your favorite holiday, I totally respect that.
Kris: Alright?
Kris: And if you wanna date a uh..
Kris: A je... a jew..
Kris: What's the word honey?
Kelly: Jewish person.
Kris: A jewish person.
Kris: If you wanna date a jewish person...
Kris: then go for it.
Kris: I think you guys make a great couple.
Rachel: Thanks.
Kris: Well, I know Christmas isn;t for a few months, but I...
Kris: But I went ahead and got you guys a little something anyway.
Kelly: Aw.
Kelly: What did you do?
Kris: Kelly, I know you've been working hard all year so I...
Kris: got you a weekend pass to the Malibu Spa and Resort.
Kelly: Oh honey thank you.
Jeff:(Background) Brown noser!
Kris: And for you two...
Kris: VIP passes to the Marilyn Manson concert this...
Kris: Halloween!
Rachel: No way!
Rachel:Thank you so much.
Nick: I thought these were sold out, how did you get them?
Kris: I'm Santa Clause.
Kris: I have my ways.
Kris: And I outbid a guy on Ebay.
Jeff: What did you get me bro?
Kris: Jeff, you can stay o nthe couch as long as you like buddy.
Jeff: Really?
Jeff: Score.
Jeff: Thanks big brother.
Kris: So I'm not the celebrity I once was.
Kris: My family loves me, and that's what the holidays are all about.
Kris: Family.
Kris: And, and presents.
Kris: Family and Presents.
(Clears throat)