Ready or not, here comes mama.
- Don't throw your mother at me!
- (Man) Get out!
I'm gonna make my lips
even more bee-stung.
I'm taking my face to Sweden
to win the Nobel Peace Prize.
Ain't nobody here tonight
winning Miss Congeniality.
Ladies, five minutes.
(Announcer) New York City!
Pay your hometown girls some homage!
Your drag-queen pageant finalists!
Miss Sheena Riviera.
Miss Missy!
Cateria Raez!
Cappuccino Commotion!
Vida Boheme!
Noxeema Jackson!
Senorita Chi Chi!
Owwww!
Hello, hello, hello!
Good evening.
And here to present
this year's Drag Queen Of The Year...
last year's winner.
Put your hands together for
Miss Rachel Tensions!
Hello!
Oh!
Oh!
What can I say? My heart is full.
- (Man) I love you!
- Oh, thank you.
(Man) Mama!
Well, well.
Here we all are again.
Another year flies by
and it's time to crown
a new Drag Queen Of The Year.
Proof that in New York City
a thing of beauty is a joy
for exactly 12 months.
May I have the envelope, please?
Mmm-mmm. I don't know who he is
but if there's a snowstorm tonight,
he's going on my tyres.
The winner
of the Drag Queen Of The Year
will receive an all-expense-paid,
round-trip ticket
to Hollywood, California!
Where she can compete
in the Drag Queen Of America contest.
I'm so excited I could just spit.
And the winner is...
We have a tie!
- Tie? What's she mean, tie?
- Oh, my God.
- And the winners are...
- Me...
...Miss Noxeema Jackson
and Miss Vida Boheme!
Work the runway, work it!
To the future, diva women!
(Rachel) Come, come.
(Rachel) Now, go and scandalise
this country, girlfriends.
This land was made for you and her.
Us in Hollywood?
This is total glam.
I just hope nobody
mistakes us for the Gabors.
- We'll be seen at the China Bowl.
- We will induce envy and rage.
Look. That little Latin boy
in drag is crying.
Find out why
that little Latin boy in drag is crying.
Little Latin boy in drag,
why are you crying?
Cos... It's just cos the two of you
are so pretty, you know?
- That's all?
- Of course we're pretty
but why are you crying?
Maybe she just found out
Menudo broke up.
Now, little one, what is your name?
It's Chi Chi. Chi Chi Rodriguez.
- What's with the waterworks?
- I wanted to win this so much
because I never won nothing.
Every time that I do something,
I get it wrong and somebody's
always laughing at me.
But maybe I'll meet somebody nice
who will rescue me,
instead of old men
with their greasy bellies and their money
and their... (Grunting)
...and leaving when the time is up.
But, no, I'm a loser.
That's why. I'm a loser.
I hate my life, I hate myself,
I hate everything!
Listen, listen. You are a winner.
You look like...
Well, you are a winner and...
- Don't be looking at me.
- Noxeema!
Don't be giving me that
bleeding-heart Sally Struthers look.
Chi Chi, you just sit right here.
I am going upstairs
to have a talk with Miss Noxeema.
- We will be right back.
- I'm not going upstairs with you.
I ain't driving you no more, Miss Daisy.
Noxeema, we must all help others.
- How?
- Take her with us to Hollywood.
- Say what?
- Take her with us.
- How are we gonna do that?
- Erm...
Sell our plane tickets
and the three of us go by bus.
Uh-uh-uh. Not on your young,
queer life. You and your causes.
That child is Latin. You don't
want to get mixed up in that mess.
She might be a Sandinista.
Noxeema Jackson,
I must admit that I am shocked
and just a little bit saddened by you.
You, of all people.
I remember the first time
that I laid eyes
on a certain young
ebony enchantress in the rough
and how, through styling
and the occasional make-up tip,
I helped her look just a little bit
less like Moms Mabley.
- Moms Mabley?
- And who'd think that enchantress
would one day share a title with moi?
Now, on those steps,
that dear little Spanish soul,
working that tired Abbe Lane drag
for all it's worth
is all alone in this world.
And she just once
wants to be special,
to have a moment in the starlight,
to dream of being
utterly, utterly fabulous.
- Hello!
- I'm walking here! I'm walking here!
(Vida) Now, the China Bowl is the place
if you want to be outrageous.
What stunning visions! Tell us
your beauty secrets or we'll die.
Darling, I cannot be held responsible
for that.
- I wish I was as beautiful as you.
- Honey!
Good luck. Come on, honey.
Thank you.
- They really like us.
- Love...
Delighted to meet us!
(Man) Vida! Hi.
Excuse me. Oh, Vida, Vida!
Che bellissima. Come va?
Darling, enchant.
Oh, you spoke French. How bi.
Look at you, my little piata.
How are you?
The only man of money matters,
Mr John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
- Ay, tan chulo! El gusto es mo.
- No, no. El gusto es mo.
No, papito, el gusto es mo.
- See that?
- El gusto es mo.
Si te ajusto las nalgas...
You remember
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
- His name is my name, too.
- Do people shout? I hate that.
Look at you!
I'm like a compass near north.
- Congratulations on your victoire.
- Thank you.
Now, we must talk.
We have une petite crise.
- Crise? Oh, jamais.
- We have decided
to take our young protg,
Miss Chi Chi, to Hollywood with us.
- How Three Sisters. How Chekhov.
- We?
- What part do I play?
- Two round trips to LA.
- To have or to dump?
- To dump.
- One thousand.
- That is fabulous.
- Then three round trips to LA.
- Mode of transportation?
- Cheapest.
- Oh, well, mule!
Sorry, darling. Forgive me.
- You've got her number.
- Let's say bus.
I do not do the bus. You have me
mistaken for Miss Rosa Parks.
Lxnay on the Hound, then.
How about chemin de fer? Train.
- Oh, yes! Does it have a club car?
- How much?
Let's see. Three round-trip tickets,
two adults, one child...
Tell me, does it have a club car?
That is totally out of our league.
What else can we do?
On account of your need
and unprecedented glamour,
today you're the lucky winner of...
- Can we pay in trade?
- It's English, darling. Noxee.
"Crazy Elijah -
my cars are my children."
Drop my name,
anything on the lot - $50.
- Problem solved. A lifesaver.
- Are we driving to Los Angeles?
- Cherry Lifesaver.
- All-day sucker.
Are we discussing driving
from New York to Los Angeles?
Don't start with me. We will go on.
I've got to go. Bye!
(Noxeema) This America does not
respond kindly to our sort of person.
No one say anything frivolous
for a few moments,
I am having a significant experience.
Whoopee(!)
Miss Julie Newmar has been watching
silently over this conversation.
And look at her, vintage Miss Julie.
She is the perfect,
the ultimate... Oh!
(Vida) Describe her
and do not use the word "statuesque".
Miss Julie, you are statuesque
and you were the only Cat Woman.
- Read it, please.
- "To Wong Foo,
"thanks for everything,
Julie Newmar."
- Who was Wong Foo?
- I don't know but they were close.
I'm hungry.
We must take this message across
the land as our sovereign token.
(Chi Chi) Let's just relax.
(Noxeema) I was back in the club car,
now we're driving across America.
Ay, nenita! Look! Look at this!
Look what I found.
(Noxeema) Golly, golly, golly!
- The seats are like butter.
- Now this is a car.
A car? Mary Alice Louise, no.
This is a land yacht.
I used to know a lawyer guy
who had a car just like this
and I said then and there
I'd have one for myself.
- Can we have this?
- (Noxeema) But we daren't.
I feel like Miss Jayne Mansfield
in this.
Ooh! Not a good auto reference.
Please, it's a wreck. Ladies.
Be careful with the...
It'll never get you to California!
- It's the look!
- Noxee, how can you possibly refuse?
Internal combustion,
the ultimate accessory.
Ladies, please, for your own safety,
go with the Toyota Corolla.
It comes down to
that age-old decision.
Style...
or substance?
Let me ask you something.
We just left Philadelphia, right?
- So the next city is...
- Bala Cynwyd.
- Bala Cynwyd. It's Welsh.
- That's right.
- How do you know that?
- How did you know that?
Believe it or not, it's my hometown.
- Get out!
- Oh, my goodness! I want to see!
- I wanna see where she was birthed!
- The birthplace of Miss Vida Boheme.
There's got to be
a historical marker or something.
(Vida) Welcome to Bala Cynwyd.
(Chi Chi) It's so beautiful!
Here, they made me stop being Esther
Williams in Million Dollar Mermaid,
thus marring
the Methodist annual picnic.
(Chi Chi) How come you never told us
you were rich?
- I'm not rich, my parents are.
- You gave all this up?
There will be a barbecue
at Twelve Oaks tonight.
We were so poor my parents
got married for the rice.
Why did you give this up?
- Vida gave all this up to be Vida.
- Hello.
Next time you give something like
this up, call me, I'll take it.
There. There.
Ay, mama! Look!
Fabulous. Simply fabulous.
Maps are cheating.
Don't do that! What are you doing?
Go back!
Oh, Jesus.
Vida, this is unbecoming of a lady.
How are we gonna know
where we're going?
- Instincts, my dear.
- And exquisite wit.
To become a drag queen,
you have to learn these things.
What do you mean, "be a drag queen"?
I am a drag queen.
Oh, child, no. You are, simply put,
a boy in a dress.
When a straight man puts on a dress
to get kicks,
he is a transvestite.
When a man is a woman
trapped in a man's body
and has the little operation,
he is a transsexual.
- I know that.
- When a gay man
has way too much fashion sense
for one gender, he is a drag queen.
Thank you.
And when a tired Latin boy puts on
a dress, he is simply a boy in a dress.
(Noxeema and Vida giggling)
- I'm just a boy in a dress?
- (Both) Definitely.
(Chi Chi) OK, OK, that's it.
That does it. I'm history.
Maybe there is a place for somebody
like me but I don't need that.
She running across the border.
You have huge potential
and you are squandering it!
What do you care?
Yes, you will start off
a mere boy in a dress.
But when we are done
with this crusade,
Auntie Vida and Auntie Noxee
will give you the outrageous outlook
and indomitable spirit
that it will take to make you
a full-fledged drag queen.
So now, I want you to turn
your sway-backed little self around
on those Robert Clergerie knockoffs
and get back in this car.
Maybe I'm not just a boy in a dress.
All right. You are a drag princess.
I could live with that.
I'm a princess.
P to the R to the IN
to the CESS! I'm a princess!
- Are you all right?
- You gotta like! Princess Chi Chi.
That's fine
but you still have a lot to learn
before you're a full-fledged queen.
Can I stay a princess?
They're younger.
Does everything have to be a joke?
This is not a masquerade, it's real.
There are steps to becoming a queen.
I'm sorry. How many?
Four. There are four steps
to becoming a drag queen.
Tell me, what are they?
Patience, ma chrie.
You will know when you've done them.
Miss Noxeema,
our duchess of protocol, will inform you.
(Noxeema) Just pay attention. Auntie
Vida will make you a big old queen.
God grant me the serenity
to accept being a boy in a dress,
the courage to change with the fashions
and the wisdom to know the difference.
(Noxeema)
Congratulations, Miss Rodriguez.
That was step number one
towards true queenliness.
(Chi Chi) Step one already!
(Noxeema) Let good thoughts
be your sword and shield.
(Chi Chi) I'm so tired,
I wish I were dead.
We all tired, honey.
We're gonna have to stop sometime.
I know. I've just
sort of been postponing it.
Stop torturing us.
OK.
Budget Hosts are really good,
I'm serious.
You can keep the mints
even if you don't stay all night.
It's a Budget Host.
I don't know.
It's just so Middle America.
- Why don't we sleep in the car?
- Oh, please(!)
I've got to sleep in a real bed.
People are gonna be cruel, maybe
violent. We have been there before.
Let's throw you two a pity party.
Two fraidy old ladies.
- What is she doing?
- Live life before it lives you.
- She'll get herself killed.
- When?
Gonna be second-rate your whole life.
Please get in this car.
I'm not sleeping with
the Wicked Witch Of The West.
Chi Chi, please!
- I need some sleep tonight, OK?
- (Men wolf-whistling and shouting)
- Take a picture, it'll last longer.
- We have to go get her. Let's go.
Why do you always do this to me?
- Ridiculous. A bunch of wet rags.
- She's crazy.
We're staying in this no-tell motel
so be quiet.
- I should have met you outside.
- It's OK, Mr Manager.
We came in for a little sanctuary.
- Welcome.
- Welcome?
- There's wine and cheese.
- I love to be wined and dined.
You'll meet many
of your friends inside.
(All) Friends?
Get with the programme. No one is
so rich as to throw away a friend.
Is there a drag ball going on?
Basketball?
(Chi Chi) I'll be centre,
you be cheerleader.
Come on, over here!
- I'm open.
- Move the ball around.
(Squeals) Yeah!
Miss Chi Chi, I must commend you
on your entrance
into this establishment.
Oooh! Absolutely.
Step two, big time.
Halfway towards
utter, utter fabulousness.
Step two to becoming a queen -
ignore adversity.
- Toast to Miss Chi Chi.
- We salute you.
(Whistling)
"Lost in the hot embrace
of Damien's sinewy bronze flesh,
"Laritza surrendered
her body completely..."
(Vida) Oh!
"...melting with every touch
of his insatiable lipses."
Oh, stop. My nerves.
(Chi Chi) Where the freak are we?
(Noxeema) The last person I saw
didn't have but two teeth in
his mouth, so I guess West Virginia.
(Siren)
- Oh, what in gay hell?
- What's the matter?
- This could prove problematic.
- Why?
The first name
on my driver's licence is Eugene.
Eugene?
(Vida) Yes.
(Noxeema) Eugene?
Eugene?!
- Can I see your licence?
- What seems to be the problem?
You got a tail light out.
Your licence.
Oh! A tail light out. That is
the very least of our problems.
- What have we got here?
- Hola.
Hi.
Erm... I was wondering
if you could help us.
We are three young
career girls from...
- Career girls?
- Yes. From New York City.
We are so lost you cannot believe.
- Where do you think we are?
- West Virginia?
West Virginia?
You're a long way
from West Virginia, girls.
Could you possibly help us find
a moderately priced hotel?
We don't go for that
around these parts,
white girls riding around
with niggers and spics.
- Talk to him, you speak honky.
- Sheriff Dullard...
- That's Dollard.
- I am sorry.
- It's Dollard.
- It says Dullard on your name tag.
It's a misprint!
As I was saying,
we are three young career girls...
- You're pretty.
- Why, thank you.
Step out of the vehicle.
- Don't do it.
- Vida, please be careful.
Get out of the car.
Christ, you're tall.
- Is this really necessary?
- Where's your licence?
Come with me to my car. Come on.
You stay in the vehicle.
Officer, if I could just explain.
My licence, the name...
- Don't worry about your licence.
- Don't worry?
I think maybe he's prejudiced.
I bet you were the brightest
in your class.
What are you doing?
- Give me a kiss.
- No. Please, no.
I know what you want. You know what
you career girls want?
- Careers?
- Same thing as every girl wants.
- No, please don't do this.
- Give Daddy some sugar.
Please, no! Please. No.
When a lady says no, she means...
Get your hand off my dick, buddy!
Sheriff Dullard?
Sh-Sheriff Dullard?
Noxee. Oh, no. Noxee!
- Don't go out there.
- What is going on?
(Vida) I think he's dead.
(Chi Chi) Don't leave me.
- I killed him.
- Why is he on the ground?
- Are you sure?
- Don't go over!
- How do you know he's dead?
- I'm not sure.
- He had his hand up my dress...
- Feeling you up?
He was trying to have
his way with me.
- How do you know he's dead?
- If you want to know, you check.
- Don't get an attitude.
- Let me check.
I knew this accountant
who died on me like this.
- Be careful, Chi Chi.
- I can't believe this.
Mamis, don't quote me
but I think this one is deceased.
Oh, my God. A dead white policeman?
- Should we blow?
- Yes. Two words, b-low.
- Let's go.
- Don't leave me with this dead man!
Look, Miss Necrophilia,
get yourself in this car right now!
(Noxeema) I can't believe this.
I get a nice crown, a nice sceptre,
then I end up being part of...
(Voices fade)
(Chi Chi) What are we gonna do now?
Lovely night. Look at those stars.
(Noxeema) Come on.
(Chi Chi) Use your muscles.
(Noxeema) Jealous?
Oh, no, it isn't.
Please...
Now, we're stuck here forever.
I knew it.
I could be in a comfortable,
climate-controlled environment
on a transcontinental airline,
enjoying my individual package
of peanuts and my warm towel
if it wasn't for what? What?
The little Hispanic rent-a-tart.
I didn't ask to come on this trip,
did I? No, I don't think so.
Did I ask you to be making me over
and jump all kinds of hoops?
No, I don't think so.
And do I want to go to jail
because of some cop-killer?
The next town,
I'm jumping on the first man
and I'm riding him all the way to
New York City and away from you two
because this trip sucks, it sucks.
After all we've done to include you,
you would leave us so quickly?
Like that.
All right.
Since you have learned
absolutely nothing,
I am hereby stripping you
of all your princess points.
- Ooh, that's voodoo. That's cold.
- You can't do that.
When I think Noxee and I decided
to take pity on this Latin boy in drag
- and bring her along with us...
- "Noxee and l"? Uh, uh, uh.
No, no! Noxee didn't decide anything.
Noxee got dragged into this.
What about the two of you
leaving poor Miss Vida
at the hands of this possibly dead
Sheriff Dullard
and you stayed stuck
in this car like Mary Jo Kopechne?
O dear and oft-thanked Wong Foo,
it's not that I'm asking for help
but if something, anything...
If somebody gave me back my
princess points, I would get us a ride.
How can you hitchhike
if there are no cars, stupid?
You don't know me very well.
I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe.
I got more legs
than a bucket of chicken.
She'll get kidnapped
by some mountain man
and we will have to rescue her.
Why she always gotta have
the last word, huh?
You need a ride?
Yeah! Our car died over there
and I just need to go
pick up my friends, all right?
Hop in.
Get inside.
I got us a ride to Spidersville.
(Man) That's Snydersville.
Thank you, Wong Foo.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thank you.
Well, ladies,
welcome to Snydersville.
Thank you.
- Virgil! Carol Ann!
- OK...
Virgil?
Carol Ann?
And you thought
the Dust Bowl was over?
- Bobby Ray, is that you?
- It sure is. Is Virgil in?
- Virgil. It's Bobby Ray. You in?
- No.
He's in.
Tell him we got a big Cadillac
broke down upside the road.
He's got a big Cadillac broke down.
- So?
- He'll be right down.
OK, well, this is it.
Here you got your bathroom,
you got towels.
If you want anything, holler.
We'll put your bags in the hall.
You've got an overhead light here.
- Go get it.
- That's not cool.
You girls all did want to be
in the same room.
Do you, by chance, have a room
that's possibly more inhabitable?
This is the presidential suite.
Must have been
one of those bad presidents.
You seem a little tired
so I'll leave you be.
Your car should be ready tomorrow.
It's only one night.
- Excuse me.
- There's no toilet.
You know what I think?
The last black person
to stay here was Sam Cooke.
"'The fates must despise me
"'for I am doomed
to spend the rest of my days
"'in this miserable cell.'
"The rest of her days?
"Suddenly, from out of the darkness
came evidence to the contrary.
"'By the sword of my father
before me,
"'I, Juan Carlos la Noche
will rescue Princess Laritza."'
I think tomorrow
I'll wear a say-something hat.
I think tomorrow
is a say-something hat day.
"'I'm here to save you,
Princess Laritza.'
"'You are my knight
in shining armour."'
Why do I feel like I'm in
the Tournament Of Roses Parade?
- Because you're as big as a float?
- Your mother.
- Thank you.
- OK.
As soon as I get to a town with a bus
I'm out of here. Howdy, y'all.
Hello.
For girls,
they're sure strong and big.
- Brunell?
- Virgil.
Oh, Virgil.
So how long will she take to fix?
- All of five minutes.
- Oh, my goodness. Thank you.
When I get the part.
See, I don't have any Cadillac parts,
especially no old ones.
- I can order it for Monday.
- It's Saturday morning now.
- What do we do till Monday?
- You got to wait.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
People are waiting for me.
Ladies. Ladies.
You're just gonna have to wait.
- Maybe Virgil can call his friend...
- Carol Ann.
Excuse me.
What are we gonna do now,
Miss Know-lt-All?
- Hello.
- What are we gonna do?
We will have to stay here till Monday
and get to know this lovely town
and its inhabit... ants.
Excuse me. What are you gawking at?
What are you gonna do about it?
Nothing.
I love roughnecks. If I was your bread,
would you be my butter?
(Noxeema) My God.
This is my idea of hell!
- Careful.
- Who is their art director? Ma Joad?
We will make the most of it. Watch.
Pardon me, kind sirs. Pardon me.
Thank you.
My name is Vida Boheme
of the Manhattan Bohemes
and my travelling companions and I
will be staying in your fair hamlet
for the weekend.
Are there some historical points of
interest that we should not miss?
She can't hear and she don't talk.
She's just a little...
Oh. Oh...
There's nothing interesting here
for you, you're from New York City.
But we'll try to be accommodating.
Well, er, thank you.
Pardon me.
But let's just all suck it up
and make this place tolerable, OK?
Now, ready?
Operation Decorator Storm.
- That's him.
- Jeez!
- This guy's living.
- You think?
- Sheriff Dullard?
- Dollard here.
- Your badge says Dullard.
- It's a misprint.
- Sheriff, what happened here?
- I was attacked.
- (Woman) Hello, Loretta.
- Hello.
Alcoholic. Low self-esteem.
Her daddy used to call her Baby Ugly.
She took to the bottle
as soon as she could swallow.
Over there. Her and her husband
ain't had sex for nearly seven years.
Another mess is the youngest
of the Budd family over there.
Poor thing, he's got a sad little...
st-st-st-stutter.
It'd bring a tear to your eye.
Then there's Clara.
You can say anything to her.
She don't hear, she can't talk.
- She can't hear you?
- No.
Your stockings are falling down!
There's no medical reason. Ever since
her husband lost the movie theatre
and he run off with that lady film -
what do you call it? - Distributor.
Oh! Now, over there is Jimmy Joe,
who runs the Rooster and Pony.
He is the nicest coloured man
you'd ever want to meet.
Robert Mitchum?
Yoo-hoo!
Excuse me, you forgot something!
Hello! Excuse me!
You forgot your picture!
I picked it up because
I didn't want it to get dragged...
Oh, no, girlfriend...
Did you just do a U-ie?
Oh, girl. I'm coming.
I'm a-coming! I'm gonna get you.
I'm just trying to give you back...
Ooh! Ow!
I don't find this funny any more.
Sheriff Dollard,
we've read your filed report
regarding the assault
in your jurisdiction
and we should ask a few questions
before we pursue this case.
First off,
with regards to the assailant,
are we correct in summarising, if
we can clarify matters by saying that...
you got beat up by a girl?
They were not girls.
They were boys, three of them,
and one of them was black.
- May we see Exhibit A?
- Found at the scene of the crime.
All right!
They were dressed up like girls
but they were boys.
You sons of bitches.
Don't laugh at me!
I was attacked by perverts!
If you won't do something, I will!
- Mrs Dollard...
- Give me the shoe.
- Mrs Dollard.
- Shut up. Just shut up!
I'm gonna bring back three corpses.
And when you look up their dresses
if you don't find something
you shouldn't find,
- I don't know what.
- (Laughter)
I was a Fresh-Air Fund kid.
They used to take us troubled kids
into the country for picnics...
I didn't know
it was gonna be a party.
I would have dressed for it.
Liquorice, anyone?
I guess it's a poker party, you got
all your players, you don't need me.
Looksies, no feelsies.
Anybody read any good books lately?
(Horn honks)
Come on!
That's how you pick up a lady.
Carol Ann, darling,
we need more towels.
We've gone through the first 14
but, you know, girl stuff.
- Are you crying?
- No. Just chopping onions.
TVW - the very worst.
Quick household hint, if I may.
Put these on
and it will shield your eyes...
- No, don't.
- Oh, darling, what happened?
Nothing.
You are going to have a shiner,
put a steak on that.
These boxes
dropped on me from that closet.
Anyway,
I got to get this dinner ready.
- Oh, oh! May I?
- What's that?
Just a little spice.
- A little paprika...
- No, don't! No, don't!
- We don't use spices here.
- I am sorry.
- Virgil does not like it.
- I'm just pushy.
Virgil does like his way,
doesn't he?
You're very observant.
As a matter of fact...
I can't help but observe right now
that there are
no chopped onions anywhere.
I think that maybe you'd better
just let me finish this alone.
Surely.
And the box in the closet?
Good one, darling.
I used to tell people that when
my father called me cruel names,
it was just because
of his sense of humour.
If you need more towels,
you'll find them in the closet
down at the end of the hallway.
Hello.
I brought your picture back.
You dropped it earlier and...
Thank you. You're welcome.
Wow. Miss Thing got
some stuff in here.
Mind if I sit?
That little run you took me on
really took a lot out of me.
Not that I'm not in shape
or anything, but...
Those boys didn't hurt you,
did they, Miss Chi Chi?
Just a little bit, Bobby.
Nothing time won't heal. Thank you.
Look at your eyes. They as blue
as window cleaner, Bobby Lee.
That's Bobby Ray.
Bobby Lee's a girl.
I'm sorry. Is that your girlfriend?
No, I don't got one of those.
A girlfriend, I mean. I got a name -
Bobby Ray but you know that.
Sorry. They have a mind of their own,
you know. My goodness.
My God, that was so brave
what you did back over there.
Aw...
You were just like a regular
knight in shining pick-up truck.
- Stop it.
- What time are you due...
Bobby! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
That's so romantical.
God. I don't have the words.
Don't cry, Miss Chi Chi.
Please don't cry.
Miss Chi Chi, if you were my girl,
you'd never cry for anything,
except maybe from happiness.
You said a mouthful.
- Let's go.
- All right.
Don't think that I can't see you,
Miss Bobby Lee. Come, come.
So, you are Virgil and Carol Ann's
eldest, am I right?
Yeah. How did you know?
I'm the eldest in my family, too.
Wow.
I picked these for your mom.
They only grow in darkness and dank
but sweetness, how they blossom.
- You know a lot.
- Oh, please.
I guess it's on account
of what you really are.
Bobby Ray told me
what you really are.
- He did?
- Yeah.
You're a career girl.
Oh! Yes. Yes.
I could never be like that.
Oh, no. You can be anything you want.
You just imagine
good things happening
- and you make them happen.
- Oh.
Well, what if what I want to imagine
is a boy I want to go out with?
You might want to set your sights
a tiny bit higher.
Just to start off. Then I'll work
on the career-girl stuff.
(Noxeema) Miss Vida thinks
that I don't have a dream.
I'm not Martin Luther King.
I don't need a dream. I have a plan.
I'm gonna tell you what it is
because I knew I could trust you,
being as you're not a big talker
and everything.
My plan is that, while in Hollywood,
I will be approached by an eminent
producer - at the lvy, no doubt -
to star in the lush film version
of the life
of Miss Dorothy Dandridge.
Oh, yes. That noble blacktress
who never played domestic help
and whose career was crushed
by the white Hollywood machine.
Homegirl ended up dying penniless.
I can remember
almost everything she's ever done,
from Serenade Sun Valley
to Bahama Passage.
Gorgeous performance.
After that was Hit Parade Of '43,
Drums Of The Congo.
No, no, no - Drums Of The Congo,
then Hit Parade Of '43.
Then between that and Carmen Jones
she did something... Road.
Road... road.
- Bright Road.
- Thank you.
Carmen Jones
and then Island In The Sun
and her co-star in Carmen Jones
was Miss Pearl Bailey,
whose birthday I think should be
a national holiday.
Did you say something?
Carmen Jones,
then Island In The Sun,
then Decks Ran Red,
then, oh, yes, Porgy And Bess.
Oh, spectacular.
Then there was... er... er...
- Tamango.
- Tamango...
Malaga.
Malaga.
Honey, when did you
start talking?
Wanna try Lena Horne?
Go, girl.
Feature debut, 1942.
(Both) Panama Hattie!
That's wonderful.
That is just wonderful.
You're not gonna start
walking across water
and making the blind see, are you?
You put spices in here.
Some fell in. I scooped them out.
You do this to make me mad.
Why do you want to make me mad?
- I scooped them out.
- Why are you arguing with me?
- I'm not.
- You want me to hit you?
Take them out.
- Jimmy Jay?
- Joe.
- Joe Jay.
- Jimmy Joe.
Can we have one ladies' cocktail...
- Miss Clara!
- I know her.
- Hey, girl.
- Hi, sweetie. Sit here.
- Hi. I'm Noxeema.
- How do you do?
- Noxeema Jackson.
- Noxeema?
Uh-huh. Jesse's daughter.
So, Beatrice,
what are we working on?
We are working on decorations
for the Strawberry Social.
- Strawberry Social?
- The biggest thing in these parts.
We're doing it tomorrow.
We all make strawberry pies,
we take them into the centre of town,
then we eat the strawberry pies.
Then we go home.
Oh, lovely! Une fte champtre.
- May I?
- Oh, please.
Is there music and dancing and...?
We used to have a hollering contest
but some people didn't like it.
We give out ribbons
for the best strawberry pie.
- This party craves a theme.
- Theme?
What do strawberries say
to anyone here?
Well, erm...
Strawberries are red.
Good. That's a start.
- Wild strawberries.
- Yes, wonderful!
- Red and wild. That's your theme.
- What?
Red and wild is our theme.
You know what we should have today?
- A day with the girls.
- A day with the girls.
Somebody has to drive me
to Greenville. Come on.
A day with the girls,
like in New York high society!
Merna, what's a day
with the girls?
Katina,
first you do volunteer work
and then you get your hair done,
then you pick out a new outfit
and then you go sit
in a cafe and talk.
I've never heard
that expression before.
I'm Merna. I run the beauty parlour.
Beauty parlour?
Here, here it is!
Oh!
(Boy) Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Man! Look at that!
It's like living
in a Tex Avery cartoon.
I think we should
just ignore them.
Oh, no, no, no.
Noxee, please, no.
What's all this noise?
Oh, baby.
You are a whole lot of woman.
I know what you need.
I hardly think you're the man
to give it to me.
- Oh, no?
- Tough talk.
Thank you.
I think you should apologise to me.
And I also think you should
apologise to those ladies.
I ain't apologising to no ladies.
No way.
No way.
Just as I expected.
Well... do you like my nails?
Walk.
What can I say?
She's had a difficult life.
What did you say your name was?
Your name?
- Tommy.
- Tommy, Tommy.
Well, Tommy, this is Miss Vida
and Miss Clara
and this is Miss Katina
and Miss Merna,
Miss Loretta and of course
Miss Little Bobby Lee.
Now, Tommy, when you encounter
such gorgeous ladies,
the correct way to greet them
is to say,
"Good afternoon, ladies."
Can you say that, Tommy?
Good afternoon, ladies.
Unless it's the evening
and then you say what?
Good evening, ladies.
Go home, take a bath, comb your hair
and please put on a clean shirt
when you step outside.
It's an affront
to the very delicacy of my nature.
Miss Clara.
You just got to know
how to talk to people.
And a four and a five
and a six
and a seven and a eight.
Children, and one.
Pli on two.
And three, opening four.
Come, come, come.
Hello, you handsome thing.
- All right. No colours.
- No. No. No. No.
We just have-have
w-what's on the f-floor.
- We're not gonna have much luck.
- It is looking somewhat serious.
- (Noxeema screams)
- What?
- Oh, my God!
- What? Speak to me.
Oh! Oh...
Oh! Oh! I can't believe it! Oh!
Look! They're from the Sixties!
There's a whole bunch of it,
there's something for everybody.
T-That's just s-stuff my grandma bought
w-when she opened.
It never s-s-s-sold
and she never s-s-s-sent it b-b-back
and we were gonna g-give it
to Good-Good-Good...
Good-Good-Good...
- Can you believe? I can't believe!
- Good-Good-Good...
Look at this. Look, look.
Oh, Miss Clara,
you're gonna look like Emma Peel.
Ooh! Sorry.
Goodwill.
- Yes. For me.
- No, no, no. No, this is mine.
Oh, there's this fringe, honey.
I think I'm gonna black out.
This book has been
sort of a Bible for me
and, well... here.
"DV.
"The Au-au-autobiography Of Diana
"V-Vreeland."
And l-I-I-I should read this?
Oh, hon, you should commit
sections to memory.
Check yourself, Loretta,
before you wreck yourself.
Acting real proud of yourself
like a New York City girl, huh?
- God! It's still too spicy.
- I scooped them out...
Don't argue with me because
if you argue, you're gonna lose.
- It's too goddamn hot!
- No!
(Noxeema) Eartha... (Purrs)
Miss Kitt to you.
Dinah Washington
sitting on this shelf getting dusty!
Honey, we should play these.
The air should be filled with music.
- Here, put this on.
- Oh, no.
- Why?
- No, I can't do that. It's too big.
It can never be too big.
Here, put this on.
Come on. Dance with me.
"That season,
we were loaded with pizzazz,
"earrings of fuchsia and peach.
"Mind you, peach.
"And hats. Hats, hats, hats.
"Hats for career girls.
"How I adored Paris."
Jimmy Joe, this is not
just a restaurant any more.
You have turned it
into a lovely caf.
A caf?
Now slap a dollar surcharge
on every bill out here. Paid for.
Thank you, my little Miss Vida.
I've got a secret romance.
Couldn't you just lose it?
- To say the least.
- I got a secret romance, too.
Oh, shut up. For real?
And this secret romance
is very handsome, I hear.
Miss Vida!
Mine, too. What a coinky-dinky.
And he's so sweet.
Mine, too.
And, oh, he's so strong.
Let me tell you,
my papi is built like a brick...
- Let's go.
- Ow! What's the matter with you?
Bobby Lee, listen. The way
to make things happen is imagine.
Imagine.
Oh, Carol Ann, what on earth...?
I'm just so clumsy. I mean...
Virgil yelled at me.
I mean, he called out to me.
And, well, I just spilled the stew.
Hon, do you, like,
ever not cry in this room?
(Laughter and quiet chatter)
(Noxeema) Oooh! Guess what I see.
- I spy with my little eye.
- What is this?
Somebody's coming courting.
Miss Vida, I just kept thinking
it was happening.
I imagined just like you said.
Is that who you have
your little brown roots set on?
- Yeah.
- Shush.
(Chi Chi) No, mamita, please!
- Evening, ladies.
- (All) Good evening, Bobby Ray.
I come to ask somebody out
to the sociable.
- Well, I declare.
- I declare.
- I declare.
- I decline.
Well, er, it's tomorrow afternoon,
so I best be asking.
(Clears throat)
- Bobby Lee?
- Yes, Bobby Ray?
Could you do me a favour
and take the little ones inside?
I need to talk to
Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez in private.
Bobby Lee, mamita,
don't be so sensitive.
- Bobby Lee!
- She's so sensitive.
(Vida) Bobby Lee.
(Chi Chi) I didn't know it'd happen.
- Er, Miss Chi Chi...
- Won't you come back in an hour?
- Er...
- Shh. Just say yes. OK. I'll see you.
It's absolutely
out of the question.
You're not my mamas
and you can't stop me.
Darling, you most certainly will not
be going out with Mr Bobby Ray.
Why not? We got a lot in common.
For starters, the same business
in between your legs.
Poinky-poinky-poink-poink!
If he gets a whiff
of your wiles, darling...
It's the "why I'm always right
and you're wrong" song
sung by
her lonely breasteses herself.
What do you know about relationships?
- I mean, who loves you, baby?
- Be quiet, Chi Chi.
Nobody, that's who.
Not even your rich mommy and daddy.
Oh, oh! I know what this is about.
This is about jealousy
because I'm going out with a cute boy
and you ain't. Hello, goodbye.
You are deceiving that child. That boy
does not know which end is up
and you know that Miss Bobby Lee
is in love with him.
So what if she is?
Maybe I want something?
What's wrong with that?
Miss Girl
is dealing with some demons.
- I will not allow you to play games.
- Allow? Allow!
There are human rules
by which we operate, sweetheart.
I'm so sick of
this freakazoid white lady
telling a black lady and a Latin lady
which way is up, down and under.
You can laugh but I hope you pack
that Cadillac because I'm staying.
You're staying? Well, Miss Jennifer
Holliday, go ahead and stay.
Don't forget to write.
She truly does have
a piata for a head.
Don't go there, Vida.
She's an oppressive gringa
with a pinga.
- All right, y'all.
- You are a puta Spanish fly.
- Don't go there.
- You are an uptight, cellulite,
fossil-face, cracker witch.
Listen to me, you little
sway-backed, Third World...
- She went there.
...selfish piece of street trash!
You're the selfish one,
bossing people's lives around
without them even asking you,
Mrs Ann Landers pain in my culo.
- How dare you think that...
- (Raised voices)
What is that noise?
You want to know? That's you
running into everybody's house...
Shut up, Chi Chi!
(Chi Chi) When I look at you,
it makes me want to throw up.
- Virgil's beating up Carol Ann.
- Most likely.
Well, we have to help her.
No, no. Vida,
there are times when you help people
and then there are times
when if you help people,
you ends up being killed,
so you don't help people.
She trusts me and I trust her.
There's a fine line
between trust and stupidity
and there's people you don't trust
cos they will stab you in the ribs.
I thought you had learned
a little bit more than this.
You need to mind your own business.
What is going on upstairs
has nothing to do with you.
You deal with what's going on
right here.
Mami, save it.
Everybody's business is her business.
You go ahead, girl.
You're gonna get screwed.
You're not a queen
because you sit on a throne,
you're a queen because
you couldn't cut it as a man
so you had to put on a dress.
- What did you say?
- You heard me.
I've had quite enough...
(Carol Ann and Virgil arguing)
(Virgil) What the hell?
Vida, please. No. It's OK.
Carol Ann, I'm sorry
but I cannot take this any more.
Noxee, could you take care
of Miss Carol Ann?
Virgil and I
have something we must discuss.
So, I gather you like hitting ladies.
Some ladies need to get hit.
Then, conversely,
some men need to be hit back.
Oh, God.
Virgil's gonna hurt Vida so bad.
Carol Ann, there's something
you should know about Vida, mami.
Well...
Vida works out. Vida works out.
A lot.
All right, move ahead.
All right, go ahead.
Move on.
Oh, man, sometimes I think we should
just get rid of all the men.
(Vida) Well, not all of us...
them are bad.
We just need to get rid of
all the men.
(Noxeema)
You're just post-traumatised.
Well, maybe Mr Rogers.
I mean, he just seems sensitive.
- Well, Mel Gibson. He has a cute can.
- Oh, please!
Yeah. He can stay but
he's not allowed to think or speak.
Psst!
Shh!
My goodness. You're always on time.
And twice as sweet as usual.
I guess you're never gonna
disappoint me.
How could I disappoint you? I'm your
knight in a shiny pick-up, remember?
Of course I remember. My knight
in shining whatever that was.
Oh, God, it's so beautiful
out tonight, isn't it?
Yeah.
My whole life
I've always wanted someone
who will understand
how I felt inside
and someone who
would hold me for always
and then you showed up
and you were it.
You make me feel like
the most perfect girl.
I don't have to do that.
You are the perfect girl.
- Sorry, no.
- I mean it. You're beautiful.
- Please.
- You've got class, glamour.
- Shut up.
- You're exotic.
Stop.
Oh, don't stop.
And there's something about
the way that you talk, you know.
Like no-nonsense. Like...
You'd never lie to me,
you'd never keep a secret from me.
I really respect that. I do.
What is it?
What did I say?
I was...
If you really love someone,
you could keep
one big secret from them.
- No.
- No?
I really feel that if you love somebody
with all of your heart,
then you could never
keep a secret from them.
You couldn't even sit on
one little teeny lie?
- No.
- No.
No matter how big or how small.
Oh...
(Carol Ann) We're saving Mel Gibson.
(Vida) With a gag.
(Carol Ann) Right. Mr Rogers,
Keanu Reeves, Denzel Washington...
- And...
- And Bobby Ray.
Yeah, you mustn't forget
about Bobby Ray.
Bobby Lee, I've been thinking about
a lot of things lately
and I don't want Bobby Ray
because he's such a local, right?
So go ahead. You can have him.
Just take him. He's yours, baby.
Go ahead and take him.
- Good for you.
- Chi Chi.
- What?
- That was so very generous of you,
putting someone else's needs
before your own. It was special.
It was step three.
Absolutely step three.
Abide by the rules of love.
- Really utterly fabulous. Sit here.
- Here, honey.
Chi Chi...
I am so very sorry that I called you
a sway-backed, Third World
little whatever. I didn't mean it.
It's all right, baby. I deserved it.
And I'm sorry I called you
a dinosaur, cellulite,
white trash farty old white woman.
- Forgiven?
- Forgiven.
- You are lovely.
- You're too much.
Are you serious about Bobby Ray,
Miss Chi Chi?
Baby, you can have him.
I've got a million dream lovers.
I've got a broken heart
for every light on Broadway
and when one goes out, I just
screw in another one. Hello, goodbye.
I think I see him.
No... Moses.
I have lived in apartments that
weren't half as big as these pores.
Let's stay positive. Bobby Lee,
just ignore your old Auntie Noxee
and look at that videotape there.
I know. That is Miss Anne Baxter
in The Ten Commandments
and those are the moves.
(Noxeema) All right, let's see.
She needs more lips.
- I can't.
- You can and you will, darling.
But I'm not Miss Anne Baxter.
No one is asking you to be.
Just take her strength, her mystery,
her moves and you find your own.
If you want them to know
that there is steak for dinner,
you've got to let them
hear it sizzle. Understand?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Thanks.
- Best of luck.
Time to make the donuts.
Chi Chi, he won't like me.
Trust me.
He's gonna love you, all right?
Baby, you got the look, mami.
You certainly do. Do that eye thing
I taught you, right?
That's right. And be honest with him,
all right? He deserves that.
- Thanks.
- I got to go. I got cramps.
Momma!
Chi Chi?
Bobby Ray, come here.
Hello?
Oh! Hello.
Bobby Lee!
- Roberta.
- Oh, Roberta.
Wow. You really look pretty.
Sure is a pretty dress
you're wearing.
Oh, this old thing?
Well... Roberta...
would you...?
Wow. You really look good
in that dress.
Oh, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray.
Would you like to dance with me?
I've waited 23 years to ask you this.
- May I have this dance?
- My gracious.
- You know, pumpkins?
- What?
Sometimes it just takes a fairy.
Men, acting like women.
Men wanting to be with one another,
men touching each other.
Their stubbly chins
rubbing up against one another.
Touching each other.
Manly hands...
touching swirls of chest hair.
An occasional whiff
of a rugged aftershave.
Their low, baritone voices...
sighing, grunting.
They hold one another
in manly, masculine arms.
Hold one another.
Tight.
- How you doing?
- OK, I'm doing OK.
- (Barman) What can I get you?
- Bourbon.
- This your shoe?
- No, that ain't my shoe.
I'm looking for the person
that wore that shoe.
- Now the ratchet.
- The ratchet...
You know, if I can get this to work,
you may get this baby on the road.
Really? That would be wonderful.
Of course, I'm sure you'll be wanting
to stick around
for the Strawberry Social
this afternoon.
- Now, Vida...
- Ca...
You know,
I wouldn't be lying
if I were to say...
that I was really gonna miss you.
I think it's really important
for a woman to have lady friends.
Oh, Carol Ann, I...
If we're going to be friends, there
really is something I should tell you.
- Adam's apple?
- What?
Adam's apple.
Women don't have Adam's apples.
Only men have Adam's apples.
The first night you came to town,
I noticed that you had yourself
an Adam's apple.
- Then you know?
- I know...
that I'm very fortunate
to have a lady friend
who just happens to have
an Adam's apple.
Let's just see what we got here.
- (Engine starts)
- Ooh!
You did it. Yes!
God, I ain't ever gonna be right.
(Police radio, indistinct)
Ta-da!
How do I look?
Like the Miami Sound Machine
just exploded all over you.
(Dollard) We have the town
surrounded. There's no escape.
I know there's drag queens
around here.
Just come out with your hands up,
no one will get hurt.
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
It's possibly-dead Sheriff Dollard.
(Chi Chi) He doesn't look dead.
I know them drag queens is here,
I'm not leaving without them!
None of you good people
need get involved.
All I want's them drag queens.
Don't protect these freaks!
I know they're hiding here,
these weirdos coming in here,
these boys in dresses.
What? Boys in dresses?
Corrupting you
with their way of life,
changing the way
things have always been!
I really don't think
that's what you want!
Whoever belongs to this shoe...
come forward now!
There's Miss Vida, come on.
I believe that shoe is mine.
- You ain't the one.
- She's not the one.
Back off, Virgil.
I am a drag queen.
I know there's drag queens
in this town!
And I ain't leaving
till they get out here!
- Can I have my shoe, please?
- You're a drag queen?
Nothing this pretty could be real.
You want to touch my boa?
That's my shoe. Ten and a half B,
girlfriend.
- I'm a boy in a dress.
- Give me a kiss, big boy.
- I'm the drag king.
- (Man) I'm a drag queen, too.
- Arrest us.
- I'm a drag queen over here.
So you can just
drag yourself on home.
- What you so afraid of?
- (All jeering)
You're gonna really regret this.
You're gonna regret this.
You have no idea how dangerous
these people really are!
No idea! You're gonna regret it!
All of you are gonna regret it!
I promise you will!
(Knocking at door)
Miss Vida?
Auntie Noxee?
- Are you hearing this?
- Yes.
I didn't even want to come here, now
these people are standing up for us?
You know, Vida...
you were absolutely right.
About what?
I mean, now I realise that...
you gotta take chances.
Because you never know,
you know what I mean?
I'm not gonna worry about
if people accept me or not.
I'm gonna make Hollywood
wherever I am at.
I would like...
Stand up, Vida.
I would like...
to go to Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania
and walk into that imitation
Tudor-style house...
Stand up, Vida. Stand up.
...and I will say,
"My name is Miss Vida Boheme."
- Go ahead, girl.
- "Your approval is not needed."
Approval neither desired
nor required.
"But I will take your acceptance."
Me, too. I'm gonna stand up
from now on, I'm going to.
And when I find
my honest and true love,
I'm never gonna let him go.
And I don't care
what my cousin Lisette says.
Everything I touch
doesn't turn into caca.
- What does she know?
- Right.
And I'm gonna try and find
a foundation
that's a little closer
to my actual skin tone.
Idiots! Look at them!
Look at them. Perverts.
When the founding fathers wrote
the Declaration of Independence
and the Constitution,
"Liberty and justice for all",
they didn't mean that.
I can tell you one thing about them
founding fathers of America.
- What's that?
- They sure had fabulous wigs.
You'd better feel it.
This is my Aunt Martha's dress.
I thought you could use it,
she was big in the shoulders.
- Thank you, girl.
- Oh, sweet pea.
Listen to your Auntie Vida.
I want you to believe in yourself,
imagine good things and moisturise,
I cannot stress this enough.
Miss Noxeema.
Miss Clara.
Now, listen,
when you get to Hollywood,
you give this letter
to Mr Robert Mitchum.
I will. I promise you.
I'll guard it with my life.
Thank you. I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
I hope she leaves me those albums
in her will.
- All right. Can I hear it?
- Good afternoon.
Sounds wonderful. The shirt is fierce
and the hair is working.
Take care. Be good to yourself.
Vaya con Dios, Miss Chi Chi.
You ruin my language
and I still love you.
- These all grow wild around here.
- You all grow wild around here.
This reminds me of Princess Laritza
in Revenge Of The Wench.
Everybody thought she was dead
but she had taken
this magical concoction...
- Anyway, bye-bye.
- Bye.
Vida...
Come with us. Please?
Oh, Lord.
If you had any idea
of how many nights I've lain awake,
just thinking about
how to get out of here.
But it's my home.
Besides, I got these girls to raise.
I know.
I love you, Miss Vida Boheme.
I've waited my whole life to hear
those words said to that name.
And I'm very, very, very happy...
that you're the one to say them.
What...?
I have a lovely idea.
I want you to have this.
I don't know if
you know who she is...
It's Julie Newmar. I always thought
she was so statuesque.
My feelings exactly!
- Well...
- Well...
Vida!
I don't think of you as a man.
And I don't think of you
as a woman.
I think of you as an angel.
I think that's healthy.
(Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen.
The winner of this year's
Drag Queen Of America contest...
(Noxeema) Step four. Larger than life
is just the right size.
(Announcer) Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez!
Presenting the crown,
Miss Julie Newmar!
Subtitle : MovieC