1
Shut up!
Shut up!
Son of a bitch, my balls!
I wanted to have children, man!
I didn't even know this guy!
What?
Can I just fix your shirt?
What?
It's pissing me off!
Hold this.
Who are you?
Go. Thou art free.
Thou shall not be raped.
Who are you?
I'm the salvation.
No. I'm the salvation.
No, I'm the salvation.
This is my dream.
- Fuck off, bitch.
- Fuck you, girl!
Look at your size.
Go fuck yourself!
What the fuck was Ingrid
doing in your dream?
I don't know.
She's usually in all my dreams.
So I started to fight her.
Then, two mutant
Pegasus horses appeared.
- Pegasus?
- That horse with wings.
So we jumped on the horses
and started to ride them.
Suddenly I was riding on Ingrid
and she seemed very happy,
which makes me think...
Anyway, then we went
to a crowded soccer stadium.
There were 120.000 people
with their nipples painted white
singing Timbalada:
I went away, my love cried
I went away, my love cried
I went away, my love cried
I went away, my love cried
I will dance
I'll fly on the wings of a bird
I'll fly on the kisses
of a hummingbird
Yes, I know Timbalada.
Then a hummingbird
actually appeared
and it started to poke us
opening small wounds.
Then a note
came out of here.
I took the note,
and it said: "Smile."
I said: "What?"
And it said: "That's it."
The note spoke to me:
"That's it".
I asked it: "Where were you?"
It said: "With you."
I opened it, and it said:
"There's another note behind you."
I took it, and it said:
"Read the back of the first note."
I read it and it said:
"I was kidding. It's the other one."
- And Ingrid?
- The dream was the soap opera,
"Lovegeddon,
the Apocalypse of Love".
In my dream she was trying
to steal my part
- like she always does.
- Relax. That part is yours.
We'll have a meeting this week
to settle this.
Who's on the co ver
of the airline magazine?
Is it Ingrid?
It's you Kika K.
I really hate this picture.
Son of a bitch!
I forgot the gas on
in my house!
Son of a bitch!
You always say that,
but you never did.
I forgot it on, trust me.
We're arriving in So Paulo.
Darling... I forgot the gas on!
What are we doing here again?
Did you have to poke the girl's eyes?
She's the one
who started, that slut.
You have to control this neurosis
If everytime you thought
the gas was on, it was on
there will be nothing
left in the world.
Stop hopscotching, Kika!
This floor is messed up.
We're late, let's go!
Where's the driver now?
So incompetent.
Where are you?
I'm coming.
- Wait here, Kika.
- Ok.
Why departure?
We're at the arrival area!
Get out of the street!
Kika!
I can't believe this.
What are you doing here, Felipe?
- Are you good?
- Yes, I'm fine.
What's up? How are you?
What are you doing here, Felipe?
I was riding my bike.
You don't ride bikes, Felipe.
They built this bike lane, so I...
No, Felipo.
There's no bike lanes here.
There's a highway and a u-turn.
You're following me.
- Is Caio ok?
- Yes, he is.
What about a unt Leila?
Why do you talk to my a unt Leila
if no one in my family does?
She's upset. You don't call her,
no one calls her.
That's because she's sick.
If it wasn't me calling her...
Do you remember
the restraining order?
That's nothing.
Nonsense.
It's to protect me.
You sent me a wet underwear.
That's so you!
I sent you the underwear
and a beautiful friendship letter,
but you only remember
the underwear.
Right, "Ms. Glass Half Empty"?
Look, I'll call
the police on you.
No, that's ok.
At least, if I'm not
asking too much...
can I have your autograph?
Please, lady?
Write it to me
and to my girlfriend.
So you have a girlfriend now?
Yes I do.
This ship has sailed!
What did the judge tell you?
At least 100 yards!
Police! Police! Police!
Take it easy!
People are staring.
Don't make eye contact.
What the fuck is this?
Tonight I get it back
at the book signing!
- Carol, what's this?
- Get in, get in!
"1003 Ways to Be Happy", Carol?
Didn't you want
to write a book?
Yes, but I didn't write this.
Of course not,
you don't have the time,
so I hired a ghost writer.
You hired a ghost writer
to write a book for me?
What's the matter?
Plato wrote everything
for Socrates.
But this is not Socrates,
this is self-help.
People will think I'm an idiot.
I want to know why there are
so many cats in this book.
When did I get associated
with a cat?
What's up with this cat, Carol?
I've never been with this cat.
Everybody loves a kitty.
I can't believe this.
For God's sake.
Ok, darling, what did you want?
I wanted to write a book myself.
With my truth.
I wanted to write a poetry book.
Poetry? Who reads poetry?
Poetry is for beggars.
This dialogues with the masses.
It won't happen.
There won't be a book launch.
No way. Forget about it.
Carol?
Too late.
The book launch is today.
We focused our campaign
on Twitter and Facebook.
You'll have to promote your book
on Ana Juliana's show.
When were you planning
on telling me that?
Later. The fucking fatso
ruined the surprise.
I won't lie to the whole country
on national television
about having written
a book that I didn't!
The opportunity to write this book
is a childhood dream that came true.
Cool, cool.
Don't you want
to read us a passage?
I don't think it's necessary.
The work speaks for itself.
Really?
You don't want to read it?
- So I'll read it then.
- No, I'll do it.
I'll read a passage
that I really like
that talks about...
Passage 784.
A lie seems like a shortcut,
but it always leads to sadness.
A lie may seem like the truth,
but it's truly a lie.
- I think I'll read something else.
- No, it's wonderful.
Kika K. Is la unching
"1003 Ways To Be Happy" in So Paulo
and the book is available
on all bookstores.
Our next guest is Kadu
who is joined
by the biologist Fabio Marcoff.
- How are you?
- Hi. How are you?
- I don't know if I can get close.
- Hello, hello.
Fabio, tell us
what's the story of Kadu.
- Kadu is a capuchin monkey.
- How cool.
It's typical from the Amazon region.
It's a very clever animal
that resembles human beings.
Kadu is now 8 years-old,
which means
that he's an adolescent.
He's always locked
in the bathroom, right?
- No.
- Sorry.
He has no bathroom,
because he's a monkey.
He's bathroom is outdoors.
Why is this species popularly known
in Brazil as a "nail monkey"?
We call it "nail monkey"
because his penis resembles a nail.
The females have a clitoris
that resembles a penis
that also resembles a nail.
What a coincidence.
Why are you laughing?
Look at it.
Look how it is.
Can we zoom in?
Unfortunately we're out of time.
I'd like to thank you
for your presence,
Fabio Marcoff, biologist,
and Kadu this spontaneous
capuchin monkey.
Kika, thank you too.
I'm Ana Juliana and I'll see you
next week on Ana Juliana.
See you next week.
Come on, DJ!
People were praising you
back there.
But they say that to anyone.
Kika, let's take a picture with Kadu?
- Man, we're late.
- So late...
He has pictures with Roberto Carlos,
Messi, Ingrid Guimares...
- Ingrid took a picture with him?
- Yes.
- I want one then.
- Ok...
Come here, Kadu.
Let's take a picture, honey?
Come take a picture with me.
Wait a little.
He's not willing.
- Go with her.
- Come here, my love.
You have to show
self-confidence.
Come take a picture with me!
Give him a pistachio.
Give a banana to this monkey!
He had too many bananas.
Stay firm.
Relax, you're the alpha male.
Hi, Kadu. How are you?
You don't want
a picture with me, right?
I'm the alpha, ok?
You either do it or I'll shove
your nail dick in your ass!
Is that what you want?
Come here!
What do I do, doctor?
Amputate it.
Prepare the surgery room.
I'm feeling bad!
It bit me.
My throat is closing.
I don't joke about those things.
Help me! Help me!
Is this an emergency?
Doctor, I have internal bleeding.
Miss, this is an emergency.
What's up?
Don't you think I caught
a little Ebola?
Monkeys transmit Ebola.
I have hydrophobia.
For the love of God,
someone bring me some euthanasia!
Everyone is entitled
to some euthanasia.
I hate blood, Carol.
For the love of God!
Carol, please do something!
General anesthesia!
The doctor prescribed this.
Which one do you want?
- One looks like an M&M.
- The M&M!
Seriously, induce coma.
Are you calmer?
It kicked in, right?
Today I'm happier.
I know I can count on you.
Kika, you're like my mom.
Sign it for the girl.
- Boy.
- Ok.
Sign it, Kika.
Kika, sign it.
Come on.
I brought you
a little piece of me.
Do you like cocks?
I love you. Thank you!
I'll smoke a cigarette.
Are you ok? Perfect.
Next!
I'm sorry man, I'm a little late.
The store is packed with
beautiful people. What's going on?
- Next.
- Next.
A book launch.
Kika, is that it?
Who is Kika?
Some actress, I don't know.
"1003 Ways To Be Happy".
There are 1003 ways to be happy
and people don't get it right?
Sixty nine and ninety cents.
Sixty nine and ninety cents?
Look at this:
The picture of Dalai Lama fishing.
Half page!
Did you know
that Dalai Lama used to fish?
No.
Thank you.
Kikinha...
- Kikinha...
- Felipo?
- Hi, Kikinha.
- Felipo!
You didn't bring my book,
but I brought this other one.
I wouldn't miss the book signing
of my favorite author.
"To my friend, Felipe..."
We are friends?
Man!
Man!
No one ever
called me a friend.
You're also my friend.
You're my best friend.
Did you think
I wouldn't see you?
Get out, you're useless!
Security, get this
nuisance out of here!
I'm Kika's friend now!
You won't get me out!
Get him out! Come on!
Get off me! Get off me!
Kika, Whatsapp me!
Such a nuisance!
- Get out!
- Fuck you!
This is a gift for you.
It's a pleasure to finally
meet you, Kika.
See you later.
It's over for today.
No more words!
- You're good, right?
- Yes.
Get some rest!
- Good night.
- Bye.
Good evening.
How does it feel to own
the largest marijuana crop
- ever seen in Curitiba?
- I don't feel anything...
"I am a poet".
Mayakovski once said
that if there's
a truly happy man,
he lives in Brazil.
I'm feeling so lazy...
Later, at 37,
he committed suicide...
Psoriasis is a skin disease
that causes white, scaly skin.
If the symptoms persist...
Come in!
CROOKED STEPS
Is it done?
So beautiful, so beautiful...
- Do you really mean that, Samuca?
- I do.
Do you think
I can be a painter?
You can be whatever
you want to be, Marcinha.
- Can I be a typist?
- You can.
- A contemporary dancer?
- You can.
- An obstetrician?
- You can.
- A fighter pilot?
- You can.
- A brain surgeon?
- That's a bit complicated...
- But can I?
- You can.
- Stop it.
- I love you, Samuca, I do.
I love you too, Marcinha.
Not just because your father
has an oil company,
or because
you're the actual owner.
I love you for who you are.
Love is a hurricane,
it blossoms from the heart
- What about the dog?
- It's dead.
KIKA KAPLAN ON A RESTAURANT IN LEBLON
WEARING SUNGLASSES.
KIKA MAKES A SCENE,
SHAMES BOYFRIEND
KIKA ATTACKED BY MONKEY
AT INTERVIEW
What the fuck?
It's a periscope!
Come on, I answer the call
and there's a penis...
He was watching you on
the soap opera and got all excited.
- Looking at Marcinha?
- I did.
She got me really hot.
Can you use that voice I like?
With that soft mouth.
Caio, she speaks like that because
she doesn't have a palate.
Come on, baby...
What's going on?
Why are you being like that?
Caio, it's been tough.
You're nervous because of that part
in "Lovegeddon", right? Tell me.
I've only played Marcinha, how can
I play a leading role in a soap?
Honey, you're awesome!
You're the bomb!
Come on!
Listen to me...
You're the best actress in Brazil,
you're Kika!
- You have to believe in yourself.
- You're always being cute.
You're so cute!
- Now take off your blouse.
- Damn it, Caio!
- Let me see those boobs.
- No, Caio, I had an awful day.
I took a flight to Ana Juliana's
show, and a monkey bit me.
I'm home now, relaxing,
watching a cult movie.
- What's it called?
- "September, March, October,
- and September Again".
- Interesting name, what's it about?
- About the former Polish Republic.
- Nice.
And about brothers
who lose their parents.
The father tries to find the son,
who dies, the other one dies too,
and a St. Bernard tries
to save them, but dies as well.
It's a very sad movie
about reincarnation.
How about it?
- Are you masturbating?
- Hey, show me your boobs.
- No, I'm not doing that.
- Come on, honey!
- No, stop, Caio.
- You know what, Kika?
I'm starting to worry
about our relationship.
You're always in So Paulo,
and I'm in Rio.
A relationship is just like a shark:
If you don't send him nudes, he dies.
Okay, I'll send them.
Just a second, I'm going
to find a picture,
and I want you to take one
just like it.
Holy crap, what's that?
It's called "assgina",
I got it from the internet.
- Holy shit, assgina, how does someone...
- It's easy, I'll show you.
No, no, that's okay,
I'll send the picture, all right?
I'm going to take a shower,
poop, and I'll send it.
I love you.
Thank you very much.
WHERE'S THE ASSGINA?
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
1003 WAYS TO BE HAPPY
To Kika, from Arthur,
your ghost writer.
It's not my best work,
but it's going to be the most read.
I didn't want to write just another
autobiography of a famous actress,
but to send a message of help
and hope to those who feel lost.
My God,
what a piece of garbage...
Tell me, dear reader:
Have you ever felt sad
without knowing why?
Have you felt that even though
you've reached your goals,
you still feel a huge
emptiness in your chest?
Do you sometimes feel like gouging
your eyes out with your own hands,
just to feel something
other than the world's indifference
to our insignificant
existence?
In that case, dear reader, maybe
you and I aren't so different.
There's no one lesson
for that,
but 1003 lessons to find happiness
in your daily life!
Even if for a brief moment.
This is lesson number one:
Happiness
is in small things.
Happiness
is in small things.
Good night, dear Kika.
You're so silly!
Good night, Ramiro.
You are a winner.
Don't listen to what
other people say, all right?
Sleep tight.
Good night, Mayakovski.
I'll finish the book with a tip:
In this life,
you never stop learning.
If you really want to be happy,
a book won't be enough.
So wait for volume 2:
"1003 More Ways to be Happy."
Carol, you're despicable...
PS: As a gift, here's happiness tip
no. 1004, just for you.
Arthur?
What is happiness
in 5 letters?
I screamed
as I was on fire...
He wouldn't do anything,
and I was burning.
I have a condition too,
it wasn't just the fire...
The weird thing
is that my ears didn't burn,
my family has always
had big ears...
It's crazy, I feel like
there was a message in it.
But all I could think of
was how much I needed lotion,
it was all I could think of.
Gelatin, anything I could spread
on my face, because it burns,
and I can't deal
with burning to death.
It hurts. That's what happened,
Carol, I had this dream,
it really hurt,
I'm full of sores,
and I couldn't
decipher the riddle.
Kika, it's 6:00 a.m.
Goddamn it...
Carol, do you have
the ghost writer's number?
I don't know, I hired a company,
nobody knows the guy's name.
Get some sleep, all right?
Carol?
Hi, how are you?
Good morning.
Can you please give me
some information?
Excuseme, what's your name?
Vladimir. I'd like to know the name
of someone who bought my book.
Someone bought the book
you wanted?
No, someone who bought my book.
I'm sorry,
don't you know who I am?
Are you Neymar's sister?
Oh, you're the author!
Sandrinho,
this is the author!
We were reading it yesterday,
and congratulations,
it's really colorful
and vivid.
I need the name of that person,
it's probably in the computer.
It's definitely
in the computer.
Oh, you want me to look it up
and give you the name?
So I should break company rules,
invade the customer's privacy,
put my job on the line,
just because you want me to?
- What's his first name?
- Arthur.
Arthur...
Arthur Glicrio.
Other than
"1003 Ways to be Happy",
he bought Mayakovski's
"The Bedbug"
and a Romero Britto
jigsaw puzzle...
I'm kidding, it was just your
book and Mayakovski's.
- Where does he live?
- That's an invasion of privacy...
- In Osasco.
- Is that far?
That depends, if you're in
or around Osasco, it's nearby.
- What are you doing?
- Calling a cab.
Here's the deal,
I'll drive you there.
We can use my car, you can pay
for gas, which should be R$ 2,000.
- R$ 200.
- Great.
Can I turn on the AC?
It just has a heater.
So, why are you chasing
that guy in Osasco?
- It's a long story.
- Is he an ex-boyfriend?
- No.
- Is he from Tinder?
No, man.
You met on a public restroom,
and you're following him.
No. Women don't want to have sex
with every man they're looking for.
I know that, I'm not sexist.
If you knew how many women came
to my house and didn't want sex,
you'd be impressed.
Well...
Actually,
it has nothing to do with sex,
he just left a riddle for me:
Happiness in 5 letters.
"Happiness"
doesn't have 5 letters.
I know, it's supposed to be
a synonym with 5 letters.
Why do you
want to know that?
- Can I tell you a secret?
- Yes, you can.
- He wrote my book.
- Really?
You didn't write it?
Look at that!
- You don't think that's awful?
- No, I think it's great
that you're not
the idiot who wrote that.
Of course I'm not an idiot,
you idiot, I'm an actress.
- Are you on Big Brother?
- No, I'm on a soap opera.
Which one?
I've seen "Vamp", were you in it?
Sure I was,
and I'm 295 years old.
I don't know, there's Botox,
people get work done.
I play Marcinha
on "Crooked Steps".
- Marcinha on what?
- On "Crooked Steps".
"Crooked Steps"?
You made it up.
Of course not,
it's the current big hit!
There's a catchphrase:
"Manuelinha, give me my cookie!"
It's my catchphrase.
All right. Other than
soap operas, what have you done?
- Well... I've done movies.
- Movies? Really?
- You're a movie actress?
- I am.
That's so cool!
- What have you done?
- I've done comedies.
Come on, you should
do real movies,
like "X-Men",
"The Fast and the Furious"...
- Who watches national comedies?
- Thousands...
- Thousands of idiots!
- Of people, and they love it.
National cinema brings joy
to a lot of people.
- Who watch videos of cats sneezing.
- You're envious of good looking,
- successful people.
- You're not good looking.
And you're a jerk.
- And your hair sucks.
- I lost a bet I placed on Adriano.
I bet he was going to play
in the World Cup.
- I want to leave this car.
- Relax, pretty, successful woman,
- let's light a joint.
- Don't do that!
- Why not?
- People will see me with it!
Don't let go of the wheel,
we're almost in Osasco,
and you'll wish
you were on drugs.
- Relax, successful woman...
- No, no...
- Can I put on some music?
- No.
Cidade Negra!
Listen to Toni's positive lyrics.
He sounds like me.
You need to know
what happens in here
I'll tell you
You're going to understand
the strength of a thought
And never forget it
Thought is a moment
that brings us to emotion
Positive thoughts
are good for the heart
Not the bad ones
not the bad ones
Not the bad ones
If you want to make the crossing
you need to go through
The edge of thought
the edge of thought
- Are you sleeping?
- I can't step on that.
You're making me wait
under the rain in Osasco?
I really can't,
I have OCD with lines.
- OCD?
- Yes, I can't step on lines.
- What's the problem?
- I can't step on lines, I've tried,
and I realized
I was right all along.
- You never step on lines?
- never.
- You're so finicky...
- No, no, wait, don't pick me up!
- Don't put me down!
- It's just regular ground,
you can step on it,
it won't crumble.
Yes, it will.
- Up the stairs...
- All right.
Kika... It's a penis.
Arth...
Arthur?
It's safer if you go alone.
Arthur, excuse me.
Arthur.
Arthur, it's me, Kika.
We've met at my book launch,
the book you wrote.
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Arthur?
Are you naked?
Jesus!
Happiness...
Check this out.
He was literally
playing hangman.
DEATH
He wrote this for me:
"It's not my best work, but
it's going to be the most read".
He killed himself
because of my book.
- What a jerk!
- No, you're a jerk.
So insensitive...
"It's not my best work, but
it's going to be the most read".
Said Osasco's Dostoyevsky.
Stop making fun of him,
respect the man, don't be an ass!
He killed himself,
okay, but...
It's sad, but maybe nobody read
his books because they sucked,
and now that he's dead,
he deserves a medal? Fuck it.
Fuck you, you jerk.
No, I don't mean you,
just "fuck it".
All right, and fuck you.
I'm saying the "fuck it"
is not meant for you,
but for what happened,
for that guy killing himself.
It's his thing, not your fault,
don't feel bad.
You're famous, successful,
kind of pretty...
People will
kill themselves for you,
they will kill other people
thinking about you,
they'll try to kill you,
thinking about you,
and masturbate to your Instagram,
it's the beauty of entertainment.
Okay?
Relax, it's normal.
All right?
You can relax. Okay?
Thank you.
Here's a croquette,
eat something.
- No? No? Sure?
- Sure.
- What?
- Can I have some, please?
- Want a bite?
- Get him a new one.
- Bye.
- Bye.
If you need a driver,
I don't have a cell phone,
but I'm giving you my email.
Drop me a "line"
if you need something.
Get it?
I'm referring to your condition...
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, there's a problem with
that door, you need to...
All right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
have a good... hotel.
Hey!
You should always...
move forward.
In life.
- What are you doing here?
- Surprise!
What's that thing
on your penis?
- This thing?
- Yes.
It's a portable pussy.
You're using a plastic vagina
on my bed.
What's wrong?
Hey, baby...
Don't be like that,
I came from Rio to be with you.
What's wrong?
Come on, sit on my lap.
I had a bunch of appointments,
I unscheduled everything,
- I missed the recording.
- You missed it again?
It was for charity.
It's okay.
I don't know,
it's been so weird...
Today I ended up in a guy's house,
and I didn't even know him.
- You didn't know him?
- I didn't, and...
Caio, what are you doing?
Isn't there a seduction game
going on between us now?
No, Caio, I'm trying
to tell you my life sucks.
I'm about to get real
and give it to you straight.
You said you went to a stranger's
house and had sex with him.
And you don't like it when I try
to use it to spice up our sex life?
We didn't have sex,
he killed himself.
I went to his house,
and he killed himself.
Jesus! You had sex
and he killed himself?
We didn't have sex,
he just killed himself.
- You had sex with a dead guy?
- No!
I got there,
and he killed himself!
- Was it during the sex?
- We didn't have sex!
- You said you did.
- No, he just killed himself.
- I wasn't there.
- Yes, but I was,
and we didn't have sex,
he just killed himself, he's dead.
That's it.
Okay.
That's enough for me.
I'm limp, totally limp.
This is a really negative energy,
it's really low, it's heavy.
- It really is.
- Can we just sleep then?
- Sure.
- Please.
I need to do something,
then we'll cuddle.
Okay.
Who is this?
Good evening, Maria Ins,
how are you?
I got this pay-per-view film
called "Tokyo gangbang 3".
I'm going to read you
the description, okay?
"These Asian,
insatiable girls..."
- There were no Asian girls...
- Caio.
- Just a second, honey.
- We need to talk.
- Kika, did you break up with Caio?
- How do you know that?
I'm on the phone with his manager.
You need to tell me these things.
Hey, darling.
What do you say?
It's confirmed, they've broken up.
Youngsters...
That's a good idea.
"Caras" magazine.
Not "Caras", but "Quem".
No, wait...
- "Marie Claire".
- All right, on "Marie Claire".
Look, we're going to find out
if she gets that part this week,
let's wait until then,
before we publish it.
That's it, that's great!
Thank you, my dear.
Take care, bye, bye.
He was kind of stupid anyway.
I should be happy
because I have a job
I'm a so-called respectful citizen
and I have a good salary
I should be thankful to the Lord
for being successful as an artist
I should be happy
I was able to buy a '73 Ford Corcel
I should be glad I live in Ipanema
after having starved
For two years
in the Marvelous City
I should smile and be proud
for having made it in life
But I think that's a big
and quite dangerous joke
I should be happy
I have everything I wanted
But amazed, I confess
I'm disappointed
It was so easy to get it
now I ask: So what?
I have great things to achieve
and I can't just stand here
I should be happy the Lord
has granted me a Sunday
To take the family to the zoo
and give the monkeys popcorn
Oh, but I'm irritating
I don't find anything funny
Monkey, beach, car, newspaper,
slide, it's all boring to me
You just look at the mirror
and feel like a huge idiot
To know you're a human
ridiculous and limited
That uses just 10%
of your animal head
And you still think
you're a doctor, a priest, a cop
Who's contributing
to our beautiful society
I won't sit
on the throne of an apartment
With my mouth wide open
full of teeth
Waiting for death to come
because away from flagged fences
which separate the yards
On the calm summit of my seeing eye
the sounding shadow of a UFO
- Darling.
- What?
We're getting the results
for the "Lovegeddon" soap tomorrow,
- on a meeting at the TV station.
- That's good.
Carol, do you...
have you ever felt...
You know...
- What?
- have you ever... Do you...
Like...
have you ever wondered
- what's the point of all this?
- The point of what?
What's the point
of what we're doing,
why are we doing
all of this...
You know?
- I don't.
- You don't?
- I don't.
- You don't?
I never think about that.
Seems like a huge waste of time.
Jamelo.
Want to grab a drink?
DALAI LAMA HAPPINESS
HOW DO YOU CLEAN YOURSELF?
Wait, don't skip the video!
You might know me, I'm Kika,
and I play Marcinha...
Fuck you!
- Hello.
- Hi, mom.
- Hi, Kika!
- How are things at home?
Things are great, we had a barbecue
with the gang from Curitiba,
Mait, Sidney, Frota...
You should be here.
- Eduardo's here, talk to him.
- I don't want to talk to him, mom!
Hi, Francisca.
- What's up?
- What's up?
- She said you're on the soap opera.
- The soap's actually over.
- I didn't see it.
- Congratulations.
Are you going
to try college again?
- No, I gave up.
- Can I speak with my mom?
okay. Hey!
Hi, Kika,
how are things in So Paulo?
I'm not doing so good,
I'm actually kind of depressed.
- Francisca's depressed again.
- Damn it, don't tell people that!
Francisca, what's going on?
I don't know.
I'm depressed.
Francisca,
you're in the soap opera, right?
- Right.
- You have two legs, right?
- Right.
- And you're fit, so what's wrong?
Give me that...
Ouch! Crap!
Hello.
So, where are we going?
Anywhere, I just wanted
to leave this place.
Are you all right?
What happened?
Are you laughing or crying?
I am...
This is how I cry...
Okay, but you...
- I'm sorry.
- I know a restaurant,
it's a very nice place.
Let's go there.
- Okay, I'm leaving.
- Wait, hold on!
It's a nice place,
the waiters live in the basement,
- it's a family place.
- There are people smoking
and spitting in the food.
That's cultural,
don't be a bigot.
- I'll have yakisoba.
- I don't think they serve it.
What are you having?
Black tea, pretty woman,
last white dragon, please.
What pretty woman? We serve food.
You can't speak Chinese.
Tiger, tiger and snake.
Tiger, snake and woman.
Are you messing with me?
Do you see a calendar?
Action, extras, lunchtime,
let's pray under the sun.
Shut up, you don't know
what you're saying.
I'm going back to the kitchen
to make whatever I decide,
do you understand?
"Please, please".
White people think I'm stupid!
Get the dirty pan!
Wow, you can
speak Chinese too!
I shot a soap opera in Beijing,
called "Path of China".
I had a job making collection calls
where I had to speak Chinese.
And how are things
at that store?
- It is a store, isn't it?
- Things are great...
- It's crazy, right?
- It's crazy.
Stores are really crazy,
I'm like: "wow!"
They're crazy.
- I saw your commercial.
- Really? Cool.
- I really liked it.
- Which one?
For an ointment,
or for a car...
- Was it for a PVC pipe?
- That's it! It's great!
I'm not in that commercial,
- You guys, you guys...
- Hey, food!
Thank you.
- It's delicious.
- I found it in the garbage.
A blown up animal,
with grey feet...
- It's all e xpired.
- Those are cubes.
Good luck.
- So, shall we eat?
- I don't think I can eat that.
I'd try it if I were you.
Tomorrow is the most important
day of my life,
I'm worried I might
get constipated.
Man, it feels like an angel
came inside my mouth.
- Let me try it.
- Try it.
- Whoa, it's amazing!
- Isn't it?
- It's really good!
- Try everything.
Wow!
Wow...
- It's the best food I've ever had.
- Right?
My God!
It's delicious!
Try this one.
It's good, right?
In that place, in that location
your eyes looked beautiful
I saw you, it was amazing
we had a chance to talk
I liked you
I want to reach you
There's a magnet
What time is it?
- I don't know, 3:00 a.m.
- I'm fucked.
I have to go,
I need to wake up early.
For what?
I'll be getting the results
I've been waiting for,
to know if I'll get
the leading role.
- Is that important?
- I've worked for it all my life.
Think of it like this:
It's a job.
If you get it, that's great,
if you don't, even better.
Fuck it.
Kika K., to your success.
Vladimir Pereira,
to your career.
- What career?
- You don't have one.
That's true!
- I love that song.
- Let's dance, then.
- Do you like these songs?
- No, I...
It's just for dancing,
I don't listen to them alone,
at home, in the shower,
crying.
- No, no, no, I can't!
- What?
- Seriously, I have that condition.
- It's just plastic, it's not lava!
- I know, I can't do it.
- Just come...
No, no, no!
Stop, stop, stop...
- Don't do...
- I'm not doing anything!
Okay, get up...
It's ax music about
the nuclear holocaust.
We have to dance to it.
It's the last
human adventure on Earth.
Trust me.
My little Eve
our love in the last spaceship
Eve
I'm flying beyond infinity
Alone with you
Flying really high
Eve
Hold me in the space of an instant
Eve
Cover me with your body
and give me
Strength to live on
In the space of an instant
After all
there's nothing else
Beyond the blue sky
for us to fly
Over Rio
Beirut or Madagascar
Listen well, my love
It's the end
of Earth's odyssey
I'm Adam, and you'll be
No!
Calm down, don't stop.
Don't stop, don't stop.
Trust me.
My little Eve
our love in the last spaceship
Eve
I'm flying beyond infinity
Alone with you
Flying really high
Eve
Hold me in the space of an instant
Eve
Cover me with your body
and give me
Strength to live on
In the space of an instant
There goes the octopus...
- Do you want to keep going?
- Yeah.
- What is it, Caio?
- Just a text message, honey.
Forget about it, baby,
come back here.
That bitch!
Hi, Carol.
I'm not in the hotel,
I didn't sleep there.
Can you pick me up?
Calm down, calm down.
I'm on my way, I slept...
Wait, calm down...
I'm not going to be late, I know.
Can I explain why I'm not there?
It was under risk of...
collapse or something.
Hold on, Carol,
I'm on my way.
Pick me up, I'll send you
the address.
Holy crap, there's a chicken here!
Shoo, shoo!
I'm sending you the address.
How long until you get here?
I'm making coffee,
and I'll be right out.
Take care.
Damn it, Jamelo!
- Hi, Jamelo.
- Hi, how are you?
- Hi, Carol.
- What's with that face?
- What face?
- Like you had sex.
Carol, you're so rude!
- Hi, Caio.
- Hi, Kika.
- How are you?
- Not as good as you,
- but I'm okay.
- I'm not following.
Come on, Francisca,
I've opened myself up to you.
I thought we had something special,
just ours, unique.
Damn, I used
to send you poems.
Caio, "my weewee in your booty"
is not a poem.
And I'm going through a phase
of too much work,
it's been really hard
and confusing.
It's not about you, I just don't
want to involve you in my mess.
I've heard about your little mess.
You don't come to Rio with me,
but you like a little mess
with people from So Paulo!
- You played me for a fool.
- When did I do that?
When you were in So Paulo
and I was here, sad, alone.
- Just masturbating.
- I don't know what you're saying...
Fuck you, I have evidence!
Slut...
Can I have some ice, baby?
- Holy crap...
- What's going on?
Caio, listen, can I explain?
I didn't plan for this,
calm down.
Our separation isn't public yet,
but you already have another man?
Do you know what that means?
That Caio Astro was cheated on!
Caio Astro was cheated on!
Caio, calm down.
I know it sounds weird,
but it's not about us,
It wasn't planned.
Caio Astro
wasn't cheated on.
I know, you really weren't!
There's something
I haven't told you, Kika.
- I had sex with Wandinha.
- It's all right, I don't care.
- With Cynthia and Rebecca too.
- You can have sex with all of them.
- And I fingered your cousin.
- So fuck you, you piece of shit!
Go lick your plastic pussy, jerk!
You gave HPV to everyone
at the soap, they got it from you!
- Bitch.
- Fuck you!
Kika, we're going to meet
people from the station,
if shit hits the fan,
tell me: "shit hit the fan".
- It didn't.
- It didn't?
- No, it didn't.
- In that case, "Lovegeddon".
- Think positive!
- All right...
- Hi there.
- Kika, Carol, how are you?
- Do you mind waiting a little bit?
- Not at all.
Wait here, please.
- Ingrid! Nice to see you!
- It's good to see you!
- I didn't see you! How are you?
- How are you?
- How have you been?
- I haven't seen you...
- I haven't seen you in here lately.
- I haven't either, are you working?
- I've been doing movies.
- Are they big movies?
I left comedy, I'm doing drama,
auteur cinema in Recife.
- Low-cost movies?
- No, movies for festivals, awards.
I have nothing against TV,
we're in here, right?
This is more popular, I'm doing
something else, you'll get there.
- What are you up to?
- A lot of TV and commercials.
Right, I saw you dancing
with a soda can, it was so cute!
That was a dwarf, okay?
I don't know if you...
Listen, I really admire you.
Out of all young people like you,
who do silly things online,
blow up and fade away,
I think you're in
the top three.
I admire you so much,
I take it as a compliment.
I grew up watching you,
I was so, so, so young.
Your career went like this...
And then...
Are you in a relationship?
- Oh, I'm sorry, you broke up.
- It's all right.
- Sorry, I shouldn't have...
- I'm doing great.
The important thing
is that we're working a lot, right?
- Yeah, I'm really tired.
- Totally, I'm exhausted.
All right, I don't even know
why I'm here for this meeting.
I should be reading a book,
but I'm here for a meeting.
- I'm here for a meeting too.
- Really?
- For the 8:00 p.m. Soap?
- Yes.
- All right!
- That's it, then.
You're so fit!
Hi, there.
Ingrid, can you wait a minute?
Let's go, Kika?
Jesus, I pay you 20%!
Damn it, 20%! Come on!
Well, Kika...
As you know, we love your work
as Marcinha in "Crooked Steps".
Which is why your name came up
early for "Lovegeddon".
- "The Love Apocalypse".
- That's an excellent title.
It's our first
post-apocalyptic soap.
Kika, you would be
our futuristic amazon.
She's called Islasgatua.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Islasgatua.
- "Islagatua"?
- Islasgatua.
- "Islasgastua". "Islasgatush".
- Islasgatua.
I got it. It's really popular,
rolls off the tongue, sounds great.
An excellent name to promote.
It's a big responsibility,
with full exclusivity.
With diets, rehearsals,
kungfu, pilates, crossfit,
permanent hair removal,
controlled sex without pregnancy.
We shoot in the desert
for two months.
There are also interviews,
Sunday talk shows,
a New Year special
and "Tap Dancing with the Stars".
That's great!
People will approach you
on the street much more often,
they might want to kiss you,
or even assault you.
Well, Kika.
So...
What do you say?
- I need to think about it.
- To think?
- I'm just kidding!
- Kika, this is no place for jokes.
I'm sorry, I wanted
to lighten the mood.
- You were using humor.
- Yes, I'm sorry, it was just humor.
- It was just humor.
- Just humor.
Well, here's our standard contract,
you can't change anything,
just sign your name,
and your initials on each page.
I'm sorry, we still need
to go over some details...
- I'm almost done.
- I know, we'll reschedule it.
- I need to check some things...
- What are you...
- We'll work it out, leave it to us.
- What's going on, Teodora?
Teodora! Teodora!
Teodora, wait for me,
what's going on?
Francisca,
did you hear about a picture?
- What picture?
- It's been going around.
- Was that why Caio called you?
- Oh, right, there's a picture,
- but it's no big deal, calm down...
- "Calm down" my ass!
You're giving me a heart attack!
You're about to get the part,
and you pull
a stunt like that?
You're overreacting. So you've
never gone out with a weird guy?
You didn't mean to, but all
of a sudden, you're having sex.
What do you mean?
I'm talking about this.
- Shit! My assgina!
- Assgina?
This crap is fake!
It's fake, Carol! I'm serious.
- That's not mine.
- Are you crazy?
That's not my asshole,
it's not even a woman's asshole!
- Is it a new fad?
- No, it's not, Carol.
I can explain, it's not...
It was Caio! Son of a bitch!
The son of a bitch shared
my assgina with Brazil!
Calm down!
I've done PR for Tim Maia,
there's always a solution,
calm down.
- My God!
- Drive us to Dr. Matos, the lawyer.
- Isn't that the gynecologist?
- No, the lawyer, and step on it!
Jesus...
I can't believe you...
Crap!
I left the gas on!
I left it on, take me back
to where you picked me up!
We need to see the lawyer
to save your career!
We have to go back
to Vladimir's house!
Who the hell is Vladimir?
- I left it on! Ouch! Ouch!
- Who cares about the gas?
Did I waste 10 years of my life
for you to throw away your career?
The gas is on,
take me to Vladimir's house!
I left the goddamn gas on!
- I'm telling you...
- Listen to me!
Stop it, stop it!
You two, crazy women!
Who cares
about a freaking assgina?
This is a weapon, a dangerous
vehicle, and I'm a professional!
Damn it, I can take lives
if I'm not paying attention!
Get back here!
Francisca!
Francisca! Francisca!
- Who is it?
- Pizza!
- I didn't order it.
- It's a gift.
Vladimir!
I thought I had left
the gas on.
He could've died.
I was desperate to get here.
I don't know if you saw it
on the internet,
my assgina was leaked,
I think it cost me the part.
I don't like
that kind of thing.
- What happened?
- For God's sake, turn off the TV!
- Felipe?
- Do you know that psycho?
I do. Calm down, don't say that, he
has a condition. Why are you here?
How are you, Kika?
Do you remember
the restraining order?
You can't break into my friend's
house, I'm calling the cops.
No, nobody's
calling the cops.
What's that, Felipe?
- Sometimes I might seem crazy.
- I don't think so.
But I'm not stupid.
Don't you think I know
how it works,
that you'd never be with me?
I'm used to it,
my whole life has been like that.
You were...
like a light
in the end of the tunnel.
A reason for me
to get up in the morning.
You're not a good actress,
it was never the reason,
it never came to that,
because you're not.
It wasn't your beauty,
they don't hire you for that.
- That's just criticism...
- You can't wear a bikini, you know?
And Caio Astro...
Who can compete with him?
He has a perfect smile!
His face is symmetrical,
it's just so symmetrical!
And he has an amazing penis.
He really does have a great penis,
really a high-end penis,
but we're not together
anymore.
This guy...
This guy!
This piece of shit!
This pile of shit!
This worthless,
mediocre man, he's like me!
He's like me!
Do you know what I'm thinking?
That I had a shot!
Can I interrupt you for a second...
I know I'm sort of a loser,
but I think
I'm perfectly fuckable...
- Shut up!
- It's important that he knows that!
Felipe, calm down,
listen to me.
When two adults meet,
they drink too much and go out,
one of them plants a seed
on the other one's face or belly...
- Usually on the face.
- Shut up, shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
I read your book.
- "1003 Ways to be Happy".
- I didn't even write that.
I couldn't find a single one
that worked for me,
except for one...
No. 323:
Make your own happiness.
Seriously,
I didn't even write the book.
- I'll be next to you...
- For the love of God!
- People will always remember you.
- I didn't write it, Felipe!
Please, put the gun down,
I know about obsessions...
- You don't know about anything!
- Yes, I do!
I know how it feels,
I couldn't step on lines, Felipe!
I was afraid that I'd explode,
or lose a tampon inside me.
Or that a fat virgin
would kill us?
Shut up, Vladimir!
Felipe, please!
I've spent all my life
terrified of failure! Terrified!
And now, my assgina was leaked
to the entire country,
do you know how that feels?
I saw it, and I liked it.
Do you know what I found out?
I lost the role of a lifetime,
and fuck it!
That's what I found out.
Fuck it, who cares?
So put the gun down, Felipe!
Put it down, I'm putting
my cell phone down.
Put the gun down, my friend.
Friend...
- Friend...
- Friend.
- You called me "friend".
- We're great friends.
No!
A friend is something
you keep
Something you treasure
In your heart
It's what was said
in the song
That I heard in America
But the one who sung it
was crying
When he saw his friend
leaving
Come what may
come what may
- Carol!
- Son of a bitch!
- What are you doing?
- Ramiro!
- I'm going to kill that fatty!
- No!
Head-butt him!
- Take that!
- Again!
What...
- Ouch! Wait, I'm hurt.
- Did I hurt you?
- You did.
- I'm sorry, my biscuit...
My nipples! Not the nipples!
That hurts!
You're so beautiful!
You're a diva, bitch!
I love you!
You're a diva!
I love you, you diva!
Please, I didn't do anything
to Kika.
I came really fast,
it doesn't even count.
We just cuddled, you should
have seen it, I'm a romantic,
- how could I...
- Felipe.
Fuck it!
Vladimir...
Vladimir, no!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to hit you!
Help!
It's an emergency!
Vladimir!
Hi, Kika.
Want some coffee?
No, thanks.
- Arthur?
- Yes.
I'm sorry,
I didn't recognize you without...
- Without the...
- Right.
It makes you look
so different...
- How are you doing?
- Well, I'm dead.
- But otherwise, things are good?
- Yeah, sure.
- How's the book?
- It's doing well.
- It had good sales.
- That's nice.
- So?
- So, right?
I mean, so? What's the wisdom,
what do I learn from this?
- Have a good one.
- "Have a good one"?
Yeah, just do your thing.
- "Do your thing"?
- Yeah, your thing.
"Do your thing"
is the answer you have for me?
Sure.
Arthur, you hanged yourself
in your home.
Oh, well...
- So, "do your thing"?
- That's right.
Okay, so what is
"happiness in 5 letters"?
Oh, there's that, right?
Today, I'm a projection
from your mind.
I can't know anything
you don't already know.
- That doesn't make sense.
- It's inexorable.
- I don't know what that means.
- You don't?
- What now?
- Now?
You do know
we're in a dream, right?
When we realize we're dreaming,
the dream's about to end.
Ma'am, please!
We're in a hospital!
I'm sorry.
How's Vladimir doing?
We kept an eye on him
through the night,
but unfortunately,
nothing could be done.
We were unable to restore
his testicles.
No, I meant the Vladimir
with the arrow.
Oh, that one
is doing surprisingly well.
The other one's testicles
might have lessened the impact,
maybe because of the excessive
sperm count, since he's a virgin.
Picture an orange...
Ma'am? Ma'am?
Were you crying?
Ouch... It's hurting a bit,
that's enough hugging.
All right.
Oh, there's Steven Seagal!
- Didn't you die?
- I didn't.
Kika, I asked the lady from
the station for a meeting today.
- For what?
- They want you on "Lovegeddon".
It's all in your favor, the leaked
pictures, the fat psycho,
you're a real futuristic amazon,
a modern heroine.
- That's good.
- It's freaking great, be happy!
Does it have to be today?
I'm with Vladimir.
He's doing great, isn't he?
I'm peeing a lot of blood,
but that's not new.
Did you hear that, Kika?
This doesn't happen twice.
I know how you feel,
I've been young and crazy,
I've had sex, so much sex!
I've fallen in love too,
but everything passes.
People will forget you too.
They forget everybody. They do.
So when this happens,
you need to make the best of it.
This is it, right here,
right now, it's as good as it gets.
I'm not going, Carol.
Francisca K., are you trying
to fuck with me?
No, Carol, I just
don't want to keep doing this.
They'll call me for "Lovegeddon",
then for a movie,
then for a Christian TV show,
for me to do something naked,
then they'll give me
a cooking show.
There'll always be something,
but it's never going to be enough.
I don't want it anymore,
I give up,
because it will never be enough,
and I'll never be happy!
- Everything I want is here!
- Me?
- No, I'm sorry, I meant Vladimir.
- Him?
That apathetic, mediocre,
talentless, ugly man?
He really is ugly,
but this isn't about Vladimir.
I'm talking about me.
I don't want to keep being
"Ms. Glass Half Empty".
Of course,
it's always about you.
Hello.
I'll hand it to her.
It's for you.
The owner of the TV station
wants to talk to you.
Hello.
Fuck it!
Fuck it.
- I can't believe she's doing this.
- People like weddings.
- You know you're fired, right?
- Fuck it.
Give me that drink,
you can drive.
My grandchildren
are going to be hideous.
And poor.
And we lived
happily ever after.
But today's "happily ever after",
which amounts to about 8 months.
It means we lived happily
ever after, but not forever.
- Darn it, who the hell are you?
- I'm your salvation: "Islasgastua".
- "Islanagus"...
- "Islagastua".
You ruined my life,
I don't have any friends left,
I don't have anything,
you ruined it!
- I quit the bookstore for you!
- I used to be happy!
- I quit a primetime soap for you!
- You're childish!
You spend all day
with this piece of crap!
That bong
belonged to my mother!
Vladimir himself used to say:
"Keep moving forward". And I did.
I moved forward
for the same reasons I quit acting,
which were never about him
or his bad hair.
I don't know,
I was trying to find happiness.
I wanted to swim with dolphins,
meditate, do yoga, crossfit,
ayahuasca, bungee jumping,
Jesus Christ, Tantra,
travel the world,
ride an elephant,
hug a koala,
plant trees, cut gluten...
Or maybe I should
do my own thing,
write my own book,
with my own truth.
If it turns out bad,
I'll steal some Dalai Lama quotes.
Maybe none of it works,
but it doesn't hurt to try, right?
Anyway...
Fuck it.
DISTURBED
OBSESSIVE
COMPULSIVE
Fuck it, fuck,
fuck it, fuck it
Back when I used to steal
quotes from the internet
for Kika's book, I discovered
many versions of happiness,
but none of them
are absolute.
I confess that I found my favorite
quote on a bathroom door.
It read: "True happiness
is to take a shit."
"Feces".
Five letters.
Done by (c) dCd / January 2018