- The mail, Mr. Lowndes.
- Oh, wait, Miss Houlihan,
- I have a notice for the staff.
- Yes, sir.
Has the sign painter finished
changing the firm's name?
Only on the lobby door, sir.
Be sure to have him remove Mr. Cardew's
name from his entrance door, also.
- I've already attended to that, Mr. Lowndes.
- All right. This goes to everybody.
Mark it "Official notice to the staff."
No, no, cross out "official."
- That's childish.
- Yes, sir.
"Effective today, the firm previously known
as Lowndes and Cardew, Publishers,
"shall be known as
Henry Lowndes, Publisher." New paragraph.
"Although my late, lamented friend
and partner, Bill Cardew,
"Mr. William Cardew, passes thus officially
from the business scene,
"it need hardly be said that his memory will
linger with us always in our heart of hearts."
- That's awful, isn't it?
- Yes, sir.
Cross it out and use just the first paragraph.
It's been a year since Mr. Cardew drowned,
and that sort of thing might be in bad taste.
Have it mimeographed for the staff,
the printer and the complete mailing list.
- Pardon me, Mr. Lowndes.
- What?
I know it's none of my business, but...
- What is it? What is it?
- Have you told Mrs. Lowndes about this?
I mean, dropping Mr. Cardew's name
from the firm?
- Why?
- Because...
Well, she spoke to me about it once,
while she was Mr. Cardew's widow.
Before she was married to you.
- What did she say?
- Not much.
Just how happy she was about
you keeping Mr. Cardew's name in the firm
even though he had passed on.
Miss Houlihan, may I suggest that you
confine yourself to your secretarial duties?
May I not only suggest it, may I demand it?
I'm sorry, sir. I was only trying to help.
All right, if you're so anxious to help,
come here.
Look at this mess. Is there any reason
why the staff should use Mr. Cardew's
old office for a dumping ground?
I've told them, Mr. Lowndes.
Have it stopped immediately.
Tell Vincent to clean out this junk.
We can put two or three
of our readers in here.
Yes, sir.
A lady wants to take her husband to lunch.
Are you in?
Hello, darling.
I was just seeing about
getting rid of some things.
I see by the door
you're also getting rid of Bill.
Vicky, please.
You were tearing up his picture,
weren't you?
The one he and I had taken
on our honeymoon in California.
- Yes.
- Why?
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, because I love you.
I should be angry.
It was silly.
All right, we'll forget it. Let's go to lunch?
Well, I guess everything is...
Yes?
All right, have them come into my office.
No, wait. Hadley's office.
- I'll be there in a minute.
- Well, lunch?
- The linotypers are on strike.
- Lunch?
It will take a few minutes. I'll hurry.
- Hello, Gertrude.
- Hello, Mrs. Lowndes.
Isn't that office a mess?
Mr. Lowndes' office. For you, Mrs. Lowndes.
Thank you. Yes?
Hours? You can't possibly...
Yes, dear. All right. Goodbye.
- There is a linotypers' strike.
- Mr. Lowndes told me.
Mrs. Lowndes, I'm getting married.
- Well, congratulations.
- For what?
Well, if that's the way you feel, I don't know.
Oh, he's nice, all right, and I'm not
getting any prettier, but I don't love him.
May I ask why you're marrying him?
Because you married
the only two men I ever loved.
- You?
- Yes, me.
But what chance did I have against you?
I ask you, what chance?
Well, any woman might...
You know as well as I do. None.
But I managed all right, in my own way.
- You managed all right?
- I mean, in my mind.
Do you know what I did
when you married Bill, I mean, Mr. Cardew?
I kidded myself into thinking
that I had married him, that I was you.
- Well, there's no harm in that.
- Thank you.
- What are you thinking about?
- Our honeymoon.
I mean, your honeymoon. But...
But I... You know.
- Yes, I... But you...
- It was a grand honeymoon, wasn't it?
- Wonderful.
- And Bill was so... May I call him Bill?
- Surely.
- Bill was so sweet.
That's the way I always want
to remember him, on our honeymoon.
Me, too.
I've always kept the favorite
little spot in my heart for Bill,
even after we married Henry.
But the honeymoon with Bill was so short.
He began to get restless,
wanted to get moving, go places,
and then he went on that last trip
in that silly little boat.
It was awful
when they told me he was drowned.
That's when Henry was so wonderful.
Helping in a million little ways,
- taking care of the business affairs...
- He's the kindest man I ever knew.
...and all at once,
you realized you were in love with him.
And then we were married.
And another grand honeymoon.
But too short again.
This time I was losing Henry to his business.
Mrs. Lowndes, what was wrong?
Why couldn't we make
those honeymoons last?
Oh, I wish I knew. I...
- Excuse me, Mrs. Lowndes.
- That's all right.
It's only that you asked me
why I was marrying a man I didn't love.
And after what you've been through,
marrying the men I did love,
I wanted you to tell me that maybe
the honeymoon part isn't important.
Oh, but it is, Gertrude.
It's the spirit of marriage.
It should be there at the start
and it should never die!
That doesn't mean that I'm not happy now
with Mr. Lowndes. I am very happy.
Yes, Mrs. Lowndes.
I was happy with Mr. Cardew, too.
Very happy.
Yes, Mrs. Lowndes.
And,
although we were speaking
of my first husband rather affectionately,
please remember, Gertrude,
that we were discussing only a memory.
Attention please. Pennsylvania Central
Airlines for Washington and New York City.
Flight Number 9 may be delayed
20 or 25 minutes
awaiting local mail and express.
- Hey, porter, how are you doing?
- I don't know.
Everybody keeps telling me
to wait one moment, please,
and that's what I'm triple doing.
- Have you got New York yet?
- There's a... humming noise. Is that good?
Not the way you tell it.
I'd better take over.
What was the last thing anybody said?
- Something about something.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Yeah, I'm still here.
- Anything else, sir?
Yeah, go out to the desk and tell them not to
let the New York plane get away without me.
And take this four bits and put it in the
Shoeshine's Ever Loving Fund for the
Restitution of Restitutionality. You got that?
- Yes, sir.
- What did I say?
- Hurry.
- Right.
Hello. Hello, Vicky!
A long distance call from Norfolk, sir.
There seems to be some difficulty
at the other end.
Norfolk?
I'll take it.
- Do I know anybody in Norfolk?
- Not since I started here, sir.
Well, it's probably somebody
for Mr. Lowndes, or my daughter.
You can go, Peter.
Hello?
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Well, Poppadaddy.
- Poppadaddy?
- This is Bill.
I said, this is Bill, your son-in-law.
Remember? Hello! Hello, operator!
- Hello.
- I guess we were cut off or something.
How are you? This is Bill.
- But Bill is dead!
- Who's dead? I said this is Bill.
- Lf this is somebody's idea of a joke...
- Joke?
Listen, Poppadaddy. I've got a mole
on my hip and I can't stand turnips.
And you said your daughter would wind up
in the bughouse when she married me.
Now, where is my wife?
Vicky's out.
We all thought you were drowned.
No. I was washed up on an island
nobody ever heard of.
I was picked up by a little tub
without any wireless.
Hey look, I've got to get a shave
and a haircut and catch a plane.
Tell Vicky to meet me
at the New York airport at 8:00.
- I'll see you later. So long.
- Oh, Bill... Wait, Bill!
Gentlemen, this is a wonderful world.
Yes, sir, a wonderful world.
Oh, Bill, you can't come home. Your wife...
Hello, Dad.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. Is there?
You sure look as though
you'd seen a ghost.
Seen him? No. Where were you?
Henry's office.
Then to lunch, then some shopping. Why?
Nothing. Anything unusual?
No, except Henry's taken Bill's name
from the firm.
- That's funny.
- What's funny about it?
I always thought it would be sort of a nice
memorial to Bill to keep his name in the firm.
- Yes, I think Bill would like that.
- You know, Dad,
I had the strangest feeling today
after I left Henry's office.
I... I felt as though Bill were watching
his name being taken off that door,
and he didn't like it a bit.
I could see him just as plain up there.
- You don't think I'm crazy, do you, Dad?
- No.
These things always happen when I eat veal.
You don't think I'm crazy, either,
do you, dear?
- Of course not.
- Well, that helps a lot.
And it helps a lot, too,
about your eating veal at luncheon,
seeing Bill up there,
because he's coming down tonight.
- What?
- 8:00 at the airport. You're to meet him.
- Dad, you're crazy!
- See? I knew it. I'm crazy.
You can't tell a woman
to meet her dead husband at 8:00.
You just can't!
You mean, he's alive?
He's not drowned?
But, Dad, he's dead.
He showed no signs of it over the telephone.
- Lf this is a joke...
- That's what I said. But it isn't.
I don't know whether I'm asleep
or out of my mind, or what.
You... You talked to him?
He called up from Norfolk.
He said something about being rescued
from an island by a boat,
and he was just about to catch a plane.
Does he know about Henry?
- I don't think so. He asked for his wife.
- Oh, this is awful.
- Well, aren't you glad he's alive?
- Of course I am.
But what am I going to do?
I have two husbands.
Well, don't look at me. I didn't marry them.
Oh, Dad, you've got to help me figure
out something before Henry...
- I'm early.
- Yeah.
Vicky, will you tell Peter to have dinner
at 6:00 so I can get back to the office?
Linotypers' strike.
Throws our whole schedule
into a cocked hat.
Well, aren't you going to tell Peter?
What's ailing you?
Do you begrudge me
one evening at the office in a crisis?
No.
Well, then, what is it?
- Listen, Vicky, if it's about lunch...
- No.
Or taking Bill's name off the door...
Well, there's something wrong.
You both act as if I were repulsive.
I can't stand this. What have I done?
I know. It's because I tore up
that photograph of you and Bill.
You've told your father. You hate me.
Vicky, I only did it because I love you.
There was nothing vicious about it.
Gosh, he was my best friend.
Vicky, I swear that I loved Bill
like my own brother.
May I drop dead right here on this spot
if I wouldn't sacrifice even my love for you
to have Bill alive.
- Henry, don't say that!
- Why not?
Because Bill is alive!
- Get some brandy.
- Yes, yes.
Oh, Henry, Henry, Henry. Say something.
Say something. Talk.
- Henry. Hello? Hello, Henry?
- Here.
You see what this sort of thing does
to grown men?
We can't tell Bill. What will we do?
How should I know?
Take some brandy to the airport with you.
- Vicky, I love you.
- You mean I have to go to the airport alone?
- Oh, no.
- Well, do as you want.
- Vicky, I love you.
- Henry. Henry, pull yourself together.
You've got to go to the airport
and meet Bill.
- Airport?
- Yes.
You've got to meet him
and tell him about us.
- Let me lie down.
- No, Dad, don't let him.
Now, Henry. Henry, there's nothing to it.
You go to the airport alone.
You take Bill by the arm and you say,
"Look, old man, while you were drowned
a funny thing happened."
- "A funny thing"?
- Well, I don't mean funny.
Now, it'll be easy, dear.
You do it, won't you, please?
- No.
- Henry!
- Dad, make him do it.
- No.
Here I am, a helpless woman.
You mean I have to tell him?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- And I thought I married a man.
- Two men.
All right. I'll go alone.
No, no, no, don't do that.
You're my wife and I have to be with you.
We'll go to the airport together.
We'll face him together while you tell him.
There he is.
Vicky! Darling!
Gosh, you feel good.
A whole year on that island
and all I could think of was you.
But you sure are worth waiting for, honey.
- Hello!
- And Hank, good old Hank.
- How are you, Bill?
- I knew my old pal would be here.
Oh, Vicky.
- Bill.
- Yes, honey?
- My, you look fine.
- You look beautiful yourself.
Hey, let's get home
before somebody spots me.
I got past the reporters
as Bill Smith, fisherman.
Things will be found out soon enough.
- Yes.
- You got your car, Hank?
- Yes.
- Well, what are we waiting for?
Well...
Oh, Vicky.
- Isn't somebody going to say something?
- Say something about what?
I think Henry wants to hear
about your experiences.
Oh. Well, I sure thought I was a goner.
Then I came to on this little island.
I'd show you on the map,
except it isn't there.
- The things I ate.
- Bill, I was all broken up.
Henry was so kind, Bill.
Henry was wonderful.
Oh, sure he was. I always told you.
And to think, Hank,
the first time she met you she said
you made her sick to her stomach.
Bill.
- Did you say that?
- No, I didn't.
But for whatever you've done
while I've been away, Hank,
I don't have to thank you.
A man doesn't have to thank his best friend.
- Bill. Bill, I...
- That's all that's kept me going, Vicky,
just thinking of this moment.
Bill, didn't you ever consider that
a woman might give you up as dead?
Oh, I knew you'd wait.
Say, I had the craziest idea
when I first got to Norfolk.
I thought maybe I wouldn't call you,
just fly to New York and break in on you
in the middle of the night.
Wouldn't that have been something?
Wouldn't that have been something, Hank?
Well, thanks, old man, for meeting me.
Well, that's all right. But, Bill, there's
something we'd better talk about.
- Yes.
- Oh, business can wait.
You understand, Hank,
my first night at home in a year?
Why don't you come over for dinner
tomorrow? Good night.
- Hey!
- Henry, why don't you come in, too,
- for a drink?
- Well, I should think so.
Sure, I guess the least I can do is
ask an old friend in for a drink.
I don't know what's come over me.
Come on in, for a minute.
Well, Poppadaddy!
- How are you, Bill?
- Never felt better in my life.
- Well, that's fine.
- You look great. A little older.
- I am older.
- Well, here it is. It sure looks good to me.
My favorite chair.
The piano I was going to learn to play.
Yeah, home sweet home.
- Bill, I...
- Your hat, sir.
- Peter, this is Mr. Cardew.
- Mr. Cardew, sir.
- What happened to Ernest?
- He joined the army.
Well, we'll get along fine, Peter.
Just see that the laundry doesn't starch
my collars, boil my eggs four minutes,
toast dry, coffee black
and don't knock on the bathroom door.
Yes, sir.
Oh, yes, and bring in some ice
and soda and glasses.
Yes, sir.
What's the matter with him? Feebleminded?
- Bill, I...
- Oh, Vicky.
Gosh, it's good to be back.
Sit down, Hank, make yourself at home.
- Bill, dear...
- Say it again.
- Bill, dear...
- Again.
Oh, tell him, Henry, will you, please?
- I'm married.
- Yes!
No! Well, congratulations.
I thought you'd been looking kind of silly.
Married, huh? Who's the girl?
Do I know her?
Very well.
- Bill, Henry is living here.
- With his wife?
- Yes.
- Yes.
You see, it was so lonely here
after you drowned.
- After I drowned?
- Well, after they said you did,
the coast guard and everybody.
It was so lonely.
Well, so long as his wife was here with him.
But now that I'm back, Hank,
naturally, you'll find
an apartment somewhere right away.
- Oh, no.
- No.
- What do you mean, "Oh, no"?
- Bill, I've been trying to tell you
that while you were drowned,
lost at sea, there I was, a widow.
Now remember that,
a widow, a lonely widow.
So...
Well...
Well?
So I married Henry.
You're not frightening me, Bill Cardew.
I'm only her father. Good night.
My best friend.
My own wife.
- But you were dead!
- Oh, was I?
Why isn't there a law in this state
to protect women from vultures like you?
There is. I was supposed to wait five years
because they couldn't locate your body.
I mean, your remains.
But Henry found evidence.
- Found evidence? He made it.
- I did not.
The coast guard made a formal report
that you were drowned.
- Yes.
- It was filed
and accepted in court
that you were legally dead.
- Yes.
- Not only that...
Shut up, you blonde!
Bill... Bill, if Henry and I did wrong
we didn't do it intentionally.
How long have you been married to that?
- Six months.
- Six months!
Vicky, how can you even face me?
Don't you understand, dear?
I loved you so much. When they told me
you were dead, I went all to pieces.
I suppose that is why you married me?
No, darling. You were so good to me.
- You helped me so much.
- Are you trying to tell me
that you don't love me, that you married me
just because I was so kind?
She's telling me what kind of rat you were,
taking advantage of a helpless widow.
There! You said it yourself.
If you call her a widow, that proves
that even you thought you were dead!
- I'll show you how dead I am.
- Now, stop arguing, both of you!
What are you two worrying about?
I'm the one with the two husbands.
- That's against the law.
- Then let me do the worrying.
It's late. We're all upset, tired.
The only thing to do is to go to bed
and get a good night's sleep so we can face
this problem tomorrow with clear minds.
- There's no problem.
- Why isn't there?
What's happened is plain enough.
I'm out of your life, drowned, forgotten.
You've found a new love.
That makes me an unwanted corpse
at a party.
- I'll go.
- No, no, dear. We don't feel that way at all.
- Do we, Henry?
- I think he described himself perfectly.
Oh, Henry, you're just joking
to try to make Bill feel good.
Bill, you have to stay here.
This is where you belong.
It is not!
Darling, this is out of your hands now.
Would you mind leaving us alone?
- Why?
- Yes, why?
Because there are some things
that men must settle themselves.
- About me?
- Yes, about you.
Well, I guess we'll have to do something
about my two husbands.
Two husbands.
Naturally we're all anxious to do
what's right about this.
If you two men want to talk things over,
why, all right.
Buck up, Bill.
I'll be waiting
in my room.
Now, look here, Bill Cardew,
there's something I want you to understand.
- Lf you have any intentions of...
- Oh, don't worry about me.
I know she was just trying to be nice to me.
I've lost her.
Well, it's decent of you to realize that.
Can I take you to a hotel?
A little drink before we go?
Why, sure.
The drink I was going to offer you.
That's a wonderful wife you have.
Thanks.
- Well...
- You can thank me, too.
It's my own fault that I lost her.
Leaving her alone, taking those crazy trips.
Well, one man's mistake
is another man's chance.
Say, you couldn't be hinting that she
married me on an emotional bounce-back?
I'm not hinting anything. Use your head.
- What do you mean by that?
- What am I hinting, what do I mean?
Forget it. Here's to her, anyway.
- Bill Cardew, I don't like your attitude.
- Sit down.
- I said I didn't like your attitude.
- What's the matter with you?
Vicky married me because she loves me.
It had nothing whatsoever to do with you.
- Good.
- Yes, good.
It would have been the same thing
if we'd both met her at the same time.
She'd still be my wife.
- Oh, would she?
- You're darned right she would.
I was only kidding. Don't take it seriously.
If you've finished your drink, old man,
I'll take you to the hotel.
So you think you'd have won her
from the start, huh?
- You think you're the head man around here.
- Are you ready to leave?
- I'm not leaving.
- You're not?
I'm married to Vicky as much as you are.
Why don't you drive yourself to the hotel?
Are you crazy?
You heard her ask me to stay.
What are you waiting for?
Are you stupid enough to believe
that I'd leave you here with my wife?
- Your wife?
- Or anybody's wife.
Now, then, if you're through
ordering me around,
you can get out yourself.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, go ahead, start something.
You're the loud one.
Start something yourself.
For the last time, are you leaving?
- Are you?
- No!
No!
- Who is it?
- It's us!
Come in.
- Have you decided anything?
- Yes.
My former friend here claimed
I wouldn't have a chance even if I stayed.
So I'm staying.
And I'm going to do everything possible
to make you decide you love me
and want me for your only husband.
- Why, darling.
- Vicky, remember the law.
- What law?
- Any law. He can't stay here!
- Why can't he? We have a guest room.
- I won't have him in the same house.
You're going to have him in the same room.
- What?
- What?
Since you men haven't reached a decision,
the only proper thing for me to do is
to put both my husbands in the guest room.
- Bill Cardew, I won't stand for this.
- Why don't you leave?
Vicky, as your legal husband, I'm asking
you to order this cad out of the house.
As her legal husband, I'm asking you
to shut your mouth before I slit your throat!
Now, boys.
Henry, dear, where is the robe you used
before we bought you the new one?
I won't tell.
Henry, you wouldn't want me
to make up my mind right now, would you?
It's in the back of the closet.
Vicky.
- Did you find it, dear?
- Vicky.
Darling, don't decide against me, please.
I promise you, there will never be
another business meeting at night
as long as I live.
My whole life will be spent
making you happy.
Darling, there'll be theaters,
wonderful trips, dinners out...
- Henry, I...
- Vicky!
Vicky. Oh, Vicky. Vicky.
- I had a little trouble finding the robe.
- Vicky, when can we talk, honey?
When can I tell you all the things
I've been saving up for a whole year?
- Darling, if you only knew...
- Vicky!
What?
- I saw you! What were you whispering?
- I wasn't whispering.
I was showing her where a barracuda bit me.
We'd better go to bed.
We'll sleep with our thoughts
and tomorrow we'll be able
to settle everything with clear heads.
My thoughts will be sleeping
with your thoughts, honey.
A fine thing.
And may I comment in passing
that it seems awfully strange to order a man
out of his own bedroom just because
a squealing corpse has washed ashore.
This. This is the night I dreamed about
while I starved on berries and fish.
Come, darling.
Good night, dears.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I heard you. I heard every word.
- You did? Proud of yourself?
- I have to protect my own daughter.
- From what?
- You could have sent one of them to a hotel.
- Which?
- All right, both of them.
- Why?
- Why?
Wouldn't this be a lovely scandal.
Two husbands under the same roof.
Oh, they're in the guest room.
Now, look here, Vicky.
You're not fooling me, and neither are they.
What do you mean, Dad?
Why, I simply mean that this can't go on.
Something's got to be done.
Well, I imagine the proper legal
procedure would be to pick one
- and throw the other one out.
- Then let's do it.
I asked you before. Which?
- Vicky, you've always been honest with me.
- Yes, what?
When you heard today that Bill was alive,
you told me it was a horrible situation.
- Do you still think that?
- In a way, yes.
- In a way?
- Yes.
Vicky, you like this!
I like my husbands to love me,
to fight for me.
- Vicky!
- Is that wrong?
I don't know.
It sounds wrong when you use the plural.
Dad, you know I've been
a very lonely wife, twice.
- Yes.
- Now, all at once,
I'm getting more attention
than I ever had in my whole life.
Two men who want me, who'll
do everything in their power to get me.
This is awful, but I love it!
Of course, you can't forget that you've
got to make a decision as soon as possible.
I can't forget,
but I don't have to keep remembering.
In the meantime,
two human beings are in the guest room.
Two men who, as you say,
will do everything in their power to get you.
I'd say it was high time
for an old man to keep his eyes open.
This used to be a room where a man could
take off his pants without feeling ashamed.
I guess when you redecorated it
you made it just what you've always wanted
for your very own room.
Rave on, you wonderful thing.
What's this stuff, mosquito netting?
- Dotted swiss.
- What?
Dotted swiss.
Dotted swiss.
You even look pretty when you say it.
Which one is mine?
I had nothing to do with this.
Vicky wanted the room this way
in case we ever had a daughter.
- You say that to me?
- Well, why not? You're a grown boy.
I suppose this is hypnotism,
a little thing you picked up on your island?
I was just seeing you at my wedding,
my best man.
Oh, that wedding.
You should have seen mine.
My best man, standing with his hand
on my shoulder, offering a toast.
"To Bill," he says.
"The one man in the world I'd gladly die for."
- Did I say that?
- Well, I'm ready. Let's see you gladly die.
Times have changed.
The world's gone through a lot,
- and people don't think the same.
- A hollow promise it was,
as hollow as that thing
that pumps water through your veins.
- Say, where are my suits?
- I gave them to a tramp.
You didn't even save one to bury me in?
- Who's going to turn out the lights?
- You're paying the bills. Leave them on.
- Come in.
- Come in.
I just thought I'd see if you were all right.
- I don't feel very good.
- No? What's the matter?
Fever, I guess. Deadly tropical fever.
- Your forehead isn't hot.
- Don't take your hand away.
Get some aspirin from the cabinet,
will you, Henry?
Let him get his own aspirin.
I don't feel any too well myself.
- Really, dear?
- No.
- Stick out your tongue.
- What's my tongue got to do with it?
- You held his head.
- Let me see your tongue.
You know your stomach always
goes bad first.
I'd be sick if I had that in my mouth.
- You're all right. Did you brush your teeth?
- Ask him if he brushed his.
Can I help it if somebody gave
my toothbrush to a tramp?
- The tramp wouldn't take it.
- Now, please don't quarrel.
We're very happy that Bill has come back.
Vicky!
- Good night, dear.
- Vicky.
Good night, dear.
Sleep tight.
Sleep tight!
You were in the guest room.
- I tucked them in.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Now what are they supposed to do?
- Sleep tight.
How simple. And to think I was worried.
But just to make sure...
You and your fake snore!
- May I ask what you had in mind?
- I simply wanted to talk to my wife.
- My wife.
- All right, our wife.
It's a fine state of affairs
when a man in his own apartment
- has to sneak down the hall...
- "Sneak" is a filthy word.
Oh, why do I stand here arguing with you?
- Lf you try to set foot in that room...
- I'll do what I want.
Right now I'm going to talk to Vicky,
and if you don't like it you can lump it.
- Her father would like to hear about this.
- Go ahead, tell him.
Darling, I have to talk to you.
I can't stand this any longer.
Let's leave everything
and go away someplace
where nobody ever heard of us.
Just you and I.
All I want is your love and the promise
that you'll be with me forever.
- Will you promise, dear? Please?
- No!
Come on to bed.
Peter!
- Well, good morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning. I thought I'd better hurry.
- Good morning, honey.
Say, do you always come down
to breakfast looking like a tired matron?
- Just coffee, Peter.
- Yes, Mr. Lowndes.
Say, who said you could wear my best suit?
- Best suit? This rag?
- I did. Bill always looks so well in blue.
- Oh, and I don't, I suppose. Is that it?
- I didn't say that.
- The shoulders are a little tight.
- Tight, huh? It hangs on you in folds.
- Oh, I wasn't talking about the stomach.
- There's no need to belittle the suit.
Bill's only going to wear it until I take him
downtown this morning to buy his own.
You take him downtown,
while I work my head off?
- I'll go right with you.
- Listen...
What about the linotypers' strike?
You were going to leave me last night
to take care of that, remember?
- Well, that was different.
- Yes, wasn't it?
Listen to me! We've all slept tight and
you've had time to make up your mind.
Now, what have you decided?
Let's wait another day.
I shouldn't be hasty about this.
Wait for what? There are laws in this
country, and you have to obey them.
What is the law?
Especially with Bill legally dead?
I'll find out. I'll go straight to a lawyer.
You'll do nothing of the sort.
This is my problem
and I'll work it out myself.
But you're illegal!
Sir, I'd appreciate it
if you wouldn't upset Vicky so much.
- After all, I have a lot at stake.
- Yes. Me, too.
Are you trying to tell me
how to talk to my own daughter?
She's our wife!
I'm terribly sorry, madam.
I... I guess I'm a bit old-fashioned.
That was absolutely brilliant, Cardew.
He'd find out sooner or later.
Everybody'll find out.
And we have to be ready to face them.
Vicky, you're not leaving this house
until you decide
which one of these men
you want for a husband.
Do you understand?
- I guess that's the only thing to do.
- You're darned right it is.
I'll be upstairs. You can call me
when you've made up your mind.
And to you men, all I can say is
that I hope the loser will have
the decency to join the Foreign Legion.
Vicky, while you're deciding,
I want you to remember
that I came to you in your darkest hour
with all the love that was in my heart.
I want you to remember that.
- Honey, I...
- And that our life together,
if you should choose me, will be as happy
as it's in my power to make it.
Thank you.
Honey, I don't ask you
to remember anything.
Just that our love was the first love,
the true love, the love that lives forever.
Please, will you wait for me
in the living room?
- I want to talk to Peter first.
- Yes, perhaps we'd better.
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Vicky, I love you.
Oh, come on.
- Oh, let me think.
- Certainly.
- What was the idea of that?
- Can you do it?
I could do it if there was
a reason for doing it.
- I say you can't. Is that reason enough?
- Not at all.
I thought not.
- You think you're so much.
- I haven't said a word.
- All right, spell Pithecanthropus erectus.
- Why?
- Because I say you can't, that's why.
- Who can't?
You can't.
P-l-T-H-E-C-A-N-T-H-R-O-P-U-S-
E-R-E-C-T-U-S.
Is that right?
- Yes.
- What's it mean?
It's the missing link between
ape and man, like an athlete.
- You big show-off!
- Oh! No, Henry. Henry, don't.
Henry!
- Are you hurt?
- I guess I tripped.
A man of your years shouldn't
try a thing like that, Hank.
My years?
I'm only three years older than you.
But those are the years that count.
I knew this would happen.
Here I am trying to make the most
important decision in my life
and you two men act like children.
Are you all right, Bill?
- How did it happen?
- Your years started counting.
Now, come over here, both of you.
And sit quietly
while I try to think.
Well,
I can't. I can't send one of you away.
I'm going crazy!
I guess it's up to us.
We should never have wished this
on her in the first place.
- What will it be? Toss a coin?
- No. That sounds too carefree.
- All right, what?
- We'll draw lots.
- For what?
- For you.
- You mean, like I was a lottery prize?
- Vicky, will you be reasonable?
Something has to be done
and we're doing it.
- We can...
- Don't I have anything to say?
- Then say it.
- We're settling this thing like men, Vicky.
That was the agreement.
How will we do it?
We can take two pieces of paper
and make a cross on one of them.
Then we'll fold them and put them
in a hat or a bowl or something.
And the one who draws the cross
gets Vicky?
And the one who draws the blank
gets the gate.
- You both sound so cold-blooded.
- Can you think of a better way?
- No.
- Then would you mind getting
a pencil and paper?
Of all the crazy... I have a good mind
to pack my things and leave you both.
We should have thought of this last night.
It would have saved us
walking around in our bare feet.
Treating me like I was
a free trip to Niagara Falls.
Remember, the one who draws the blank
renounces all claims to Vicky.
He vanishes from the scene
like a puff of smoke.
Never to be heard from again.
Well, there's no need for the loser
to go all the way to Siberia, you know?
We're handling this.
Now, remember,
the paper with the cross wins Vicky.
The one who draws the blank...
For him, nothing. Oblivion.
- This is kind of dramatic.
- Well, there's happiness for one...
And misery for the other.
Here, mix them.
- I...
- Mix them good.
All right, Bill, you draw first.
No, you go.
It's your privilege.
You're her first husband.
That's right, Bill.
- Oh, this is terrible. I'm beginning to sweat.
- What about me?
Buck up, Bill.
Oh, it's no good. My nerves are all shot
after a year on that island.
- Close your eyes and plunge.
- Yes, hurry!
All right, get it over.
What is it?
Poor Bill.
Blank!
Oh, my poor darling! Oh!
Don't pity me.
I made a bargain and I'll stick to it.
Anyway, I learned to live
alone on that island
for 365 dreary days and 365 horrible nights.
Don't feel that way, dear.
You'll come to see us often, won't you?
He will not. Well, old man,
now that everything is settled,
- shall I call a cab for you?
- Don't rush him!
- Yes, don't rush me.
- Well, you lost, didn't you?
- Do you want to make it harder on all of us?
- Henry!
You seem plenty anxious
to get me out of here.
Oh, no, not at all, Bill.
Take your time. Take all of half an hour.
Before I go, would you mind letting me see
that other piece of paper?
The one with the cross on it?
Why don't you be a good loser and leave?
Let me see that paper you drew.
- Why do you want to see it?
- Just curiosity.
That's a fine thing to say in front of Vicky.
"Just curiosity."
When your heart should be
one great, aching wound.
I'm going to have the two pieces framed
as a souvenir
of the saddest moment of my life.
- Now, where's that piece of paper?
- Let him have it.
Any other piece will do.
I threw that piece in the fireplace.
You did not. You put it in your robe pocket.
Now, give it to me, before I take it from you.
- You can go to blazes!
- Vicky, grab him!
- What did he do? Give it to him.
- I will not!
- Why not?
- He hurt my feelings.
I won't have my feelings hurt!
What's going on down there?
I'm warning you!
Stop, before it's too late!
Vicky, hit him over the head with the poker.
What's going on here?
Get him!
Stop this, or I'll call the police!
- Now, Vicky, that's it.
- I can't hit Henry!
- Give me that paper!
- I haven't got any paper!
- Dad! Dad!
- Let go of me.
- Daddy. Dad. Say something, Dad.
- Let go of me. Let go of my robe.
- Sure, I'll let go.
- Say something, dear.
- Can you hear me? Look at me, Dad.
- Give me that paper.
- You'll be all right.
- Get off me!
Will you stop fighting and help me with
Dad? Look what you've done to him!
- I told you, I threw it away!
- Oh, no, you didn't.
Ouch! Let go, I'll give you your old paper.
Help! Somebody help! He can't talk!
Oh, God! Try, Dad.
Oh, no, you don't! Give it to me.
Come on. Give it to me.
Dad, say something to me. Say something.
Dad, speak. Say something.
What's going on here?
Vicky! Look!
- Blank!
- Sure! Both pieces were blank!
That's why he made me draw first,
so I'd think he drew the cross.
Oh, Vicky, I couldn't stand the thought
of losing you.
He didn't mean to cheat, Bill.
Did you, Henry?
- I said, what's going on here?
- I'll tell you what's going on.
We agreed to draw lots for your daughter,
to play fair and square,
and this dirty dog cheated!
- You drew lots for my daughter?
- Yes, and he pretended...
- You drew lots?
- Stop shouting!
You were the one who told us
to settle this right away.
Vicky, if you don't make your choice
like an intelligent, civilized...
How can I, when you keep rushing me?
I can't make up my mind
when we we're all together,
with two husbands staring me in the face!
- I can't even think anymore!
- Yes, leave her alone.
- Yes, let her alone.
- Who's talking to you?
I have a right to know
what you are going to do.
I don't know. If I could see
my husbands apart, one at a time...
Like if I went out with Bill
to help him pick a suit...
- Vicky!
- Shut up!
And we'd talk things over
like two normal people, just Bill and I.
Then I'd go to Henry...
- Why?
- You shut up!
I'd go to Henry and we'd do the same thing.
Talk things over, alone.
Then I'd know! That's the way to settle this.
That's the only way,
whether you like it or not!
Oh, Vicky.
- Any objections?
- Well...
Somebody might say
the wrong thing right now.
- I think it's a great idea.
- So do I.
- Don't mind me. I'm only an idiot.
- All right, come on, Henry.
Go upstairs and get dressed,
and go to your office.
I'll see you there
just as soon as I've finished with Bill.
- How long will you be?
- An hour. Maybe a little longer. Now, go on.
Do you mind if I talk while you're thinking?
It won't be loud.
All right.
It starts with I love you,
but you know that.
- Maybe.
- I do, honey. I always did!
- Then why did you leave me?
- Don't say it that way.
I was supposed to be back in a month.
And when I realized I wouldn't,
when I came to on this island...
- With your head in a native girl's lap?
- With my head in a pile of seaweed.
It was terrible.
Did you think about me very much?
All the time. I nearly went mad.
Lying alone at night,
remembering you just as you were
when you kissed me goodbye.
That little blue hat with the feather in it.
Those slippers with no toes, so tiny.
- That fur cape.
- Blue fox.
Yeah, that's what I remembered best.
The last sight of you as I kissed you.
And that was my torture,
wondering if I'd live to kiss you again.
Kiss me.
- Gee!
- My heart, feel it.
It's beating.
- How about yours?
- Mine, too.
Oh, Vicky, wouldn't it be wonderful
if I had never done anything to hurt you?
If I'd just met you and said, "Here's the girl
I've been waiting for all my life!"
Because you are, honey,
and I'll never let you go!
- Gee!
- Do you feel the way I do, Vicky?
The blood pounding in your ears
and your lips dry
- and a million needles in your body?
- Four million.
- We're the ones, aren't we, Vicky?
- I haven't felt like this since...
- You belong with me. Can't you tell?
- You're right. I belong with you.
Oh, Vicky, I'm a bridegroom all over again.
There will have to be dinner tonight
to celebrate.
- Where shall we go?
- Frank's. Remember Frank's?
Do I? That's where we learned
the Lambeth Walk.
- The Lambeth Walk?
- Yes. Don't you remember that...
What's the matter?
That's the dance I learned with Henry.
At Frank's, our place?
Don't say that, dear.
Anyone can go there, even Henry.
You'll tell him you picked me, Vicky.
You can't back down now,
not after you've promised.
Henry's strong.
He can face it. Please, honey.
I'll... I'll tell him.
- Poor Henry.
- Poor Henry.
Not a word? But it's 4:30.
Thank you, Peter.
Hello, dear.
Hello.
- Henry, don't you feel well?
- I'm all right. Don't mind me.
I suppose you have something to tell me?
Yes, dear. Bill and I,
we...
Bought a suit.
- That's nice.
- Gray. Light gray.
I didn't eat. Did you enjoy your lunch?
We ate in a little restaurant off Broadway,
and then we went to Inspiration Point.
It sounds romantic.
Yes, it was. I mean...
I know.
Henry, don't act like this. Please.
How else can I be, sitting here
hour after hour alone, thinking?
- About the linotypers' strike?
- Vicky! About myself.
Well, maybe if you took something, dear.
Get the acid out of your system.
Vicky, I... I wish you all
the happiness in the world.
What do you mean?
Don't misunderstand
why I'm doing this, dear.
The months I've been married to you are
the happiest in my life,
and if I had the opportunity
to live them over,
even knowing they'd be followed
by heartbreak,
I'd come to you once more with all my love.
You're so sweet, Henry.
Yes, I'm sweet. I know, I'm just
a plain, dull, stodgy businessman.
Why should any woman want me?
I married you.
Why?
Well...
How can you ask a thing like that?
See?
And Bill, he's everything a woman loves.
Handsome, reckless, unreliable,
athletic, selfish.
I'm licked, Vicky. There's no use fighting.
I'm going away.
- Well, if that's the way you feel.
- How I feel has nothing to do with it.
Far be it from me
to interfere with your plans.
Go ahead, quit. But what kind of a man
gives up before the fighting starts?
- I haven't a chance.
- Neither did Washington at Valley Forge,
nor Lincoln, nor Fulton,
nor the men who invented the airplane.
Think of their heartbreaks,
struggling against tremendous odds
with the whole world laughing at them.
But they laughed right back and carried on
with every ounce of strength they had.
Day after day, night after night.
On and on until they won!
- I... I shouldn't give up?
- Of course not! Carry on!
Never take no for an answer.
You can't lose if you have the will to win.
The spirit to stay in there and keep fighting
until the last man is downed.
- Are there others?
- I'm speaking theoretically.
Don't quit now!
Don't hang your head and run away.
Fight for the woman you love!
- Darling! You're mine.
- That's the way to talk!
Why, there's only one man for you,
and I'm that man.
- That's it!
- And tonight we celebrate.
- Tonight we tell the world.
- Right.
But who'll tell Bill?
- Oh, Henry. Henry, I...
- Don't worry darling, don't worry.
I'll tell him. Oh, Vicky, do you realize
what you've done for me?
- Yes?
- You've dragged me out
of the mire of despair. Darling,
this is the beginning of a better
and finer life for both of us.
And tonight's the celebration.
- Guess where we celebrate? Guess.
- Henry, I have something I must...
- Frank's.
- Yes, Frank's.
Dinner at Frank's with the most
wonderful woman in the world.
- Poor Bill.
- Yes, poor Bill.
Go the limit, Peter.
Make me something to remember.
The tie is so important, sir.
It either makes or breaks.
Was that the door downstairs?
- No, sir.
- Mrs. Lowndes should be back.
Oh, well, a woman at her hairdresser's.
- I haven't had this thing on in months.
- It fits you beautifully, Mr. Lowndes.
I didn't realize, sir,
that your shoulders are so broad.
Didn't you? Are they?
I'll move your things back
into Mrs. Lowndes' room immediately, sir.
- Yes, thanks, I'll be downstairs.
- And I must say, sir, congratulations.
- Thank you again, Peter.
- Mr. Lowndes.
- Yes?
- Will Mr. Cardew be dining here tonight?
I'm sure I don't know.
- Poor fellow.
- Sir?
I said I didn't know.
- Seventy-five East?
- Yes.
No! No, don't stop, go on.
Some screwball.
- Where do you want to go, ma'am?
- Drive around the block, please.
Do you want to make
an easy half-dollar, son?
- Yes, sir. What do I do?
- Well, when I come back out,
just put on your prettiest smile
and start singing Here Comes The Bride.
- Sure thing. Is that you?
- That's me.
That's right.
Darling. Together at last.
- Well, where do you think you're...
- Well, where do you think you're...
Well?
- Well yourself.
- Where's Vicky?
- Why?
- Didn't she tell you?
- She told me she decided to stay with me.
- That's what I mean... She what?
You heard me. Now may I ask
where the devil you think you're going?
I thought I was going to Frank's.
Because she also decided to stay with me.
- She... She...
- Yeah. She!
- Did I tell you, you look lovely?
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- Why should she do a thing like this?
- Because we're both so sweet!
- Let's pull out of here.
- Leave her flat. We'll show her.
- Right, we'll show her.
- Yeah.
- You know something, though?
- What?
Maybe she couldn't help it.
Maybe it's like she says,
she loves us both so much,
- she can't kick one of us out.
- I guess she is in a pretty tough spot.
- She's been a good little wife.
- To both of us.
- Let's stay.
- All right, let's stay.
- But punish her.
- Make her suffer.
- Give her the works!
- Poor Vicky!
Yeah, poor Vicky.
To think that the woman we trusted
would do this to us.
Yes, after we've given her
the best years of our lives.
I'm waiting.
Say it! I deserve it.
Oh, I... I know what you're thinking.
Go ahead and think it.
You couldn't understand how a woman
could be this cruel to two men just because
she loved them
and doesn't want to hurt them.
You couldn't believe that I meant
what I said to both of you, could you?
I can't help it
if it doesn't make sense!
Talk to me.
- Bill.
- Yes, Hank?
How do you feel?
Like a man who's had his insides torn out
and can't die.
Have you any faith left in anything?
No.
Look at me, please. I'm here.
Say anything you want, but say it to me.
Have you ever known anyone
as cold and as heartless?
I've read about them. The women who
break a man's soul and laugh in his face.
I've tried to apologize,
I've done everything I could.
And here sit two men
who love just such a woman.
Two bitter disillusioned shells
with nothing to live for.
Nothing.
Will you listen?
All right, that's enough for me.
If you don't want to be human
you don't have to.
I don't care what you think,
about me or anything else.
Now get out! Get out of this house!
Where are you going?
- Hey! What's the matter?
- Dad, stop them!
They've gone.
What happened?
- Will you be dining at home, sir?
- Home? What home?
I suppose you're crying.
- No.
- All right.
Now.
What happened to that beautiful scheme
of yours of seeing one at a time?
- I promised to stay married to them both.
- Both?
They found it out when they met here.
They wouldn't talk to me,
so I told them to get out.
Vicky, you're a downright heel.
I know it. But you can't hurt one by picking
the other if you love the two of them.
Making pitiful fools of both because
you don't want to offend one.
Now, isn't that insane?
Well, it's all over now.
It's my own fault.
It's selfish to say this, Dad,
but it was wonderful while it lasted.
Any woman would be thrilled
when suddenly
her husband fell madly in love
with her all over again.
- And two husbands!
- Now, there you go again.
Saying they'd do anything for me
if I'd only tell them I loved them.
- That's something, Dad.
- It certainly is, if you like dog fights.
And so for a night and a day I had all
the love and attention two men could give.
Now I have nothing. And they...
- Dad, we've got to find them.
- Find them? Why?
They're my husbands. I've sent them away.
Blamed them for something
that was my fault.
How do you think they'll feel about me?
We've got to find them
before they do something desperate.
But, Vicky, this is so silly.
Where will we look?
- Now, come on.
- Vicky, be sensible.
If they're going to do something desperate,
let's get a good night's sleep.
- In the morning we can call the morgue.
- Come on.
Well, at least, after forty-five years,
I've seen New York.
- Do you know what that cab fare...
- Peter.
Are Mr. Lowndes and Mr. Cardew home yet?
No, madam.
- Will you have breakfast, madam?
- No, thank you.
- I will. Upstairs, in bed.
- Very good, sir.
You'd better get some rest.
All we can do is wait.
No!
Oh, what have they done?
Where are they?
Think she's been punished enough?
- No.
- Let her suffer, huh?
Let her suffer.
- What's the matter?
- Maybe it's enough.
- Yeah, maybe it's enough.
- Sure.
So long, little chums.
Hello, operator.
Operator, I want to check with the police
department on missing persons.
Yes, drownings and things.
Missing Persons, Adult. McDermott.
This is Victoria Lowndes, 75...
Yes, I got that. Yes, ma'am?
I was wondering if you'd heard anything
of two men in dress suits.
Both tall, one dark-haired,
the other blonde.
Who are they and what might I be hearing?
Mr. Henry Lowndes is the blonde, and Bill,
I mean, William Cardew, was the other.
There's nothing come in on them
from the morgue yet.
But it's still early. Relations?
Yes, they're my husbands.
Husbands?
What about those two husbands?
Hello!
Hello!
Did you say something?
Lady, I heard you as plain
as you're hearing me now.
What?
I said I heard you as plain
as you're hearing me!
I know what I said on my own telephone.
I said, Mr. Cardew is a friend
of my husband's.
And never mind, anyway, because
I can take care of everything myself.
You'd just better forget
about the whole thing. Goodbye.
Forget the whole thing, huh?
Get Lieutenant Sullivan!
- Hello, dear.
- Hello, honey.
I trust you gentlemen had a pleasant night?
While Dad and I upset the whole city
looking for you!
- You worried, huh?
- She worried.
Why I did, I'll never know.
Where did you go?
Oh, places.
- Dumps. Joints. Huh?
- I see.
The condemned men had a hearty drunk.
Do you know what you are?
You're hateful, both of you.
You say that,
after what we went through for you?
- For me?
- Yes.
Who ruined our lives? Who sent us out
to saturate ourselves with liquid poison?
Yes, and what did we talk about
to every woman who sat down with us?
- Vicky. Our wife.
- Thank you very much.
And how much we loved her.
Loved me! If you loved me at all,
you never would have left here,
even if I did tell you to get out.
- Well, we were coming back sooner.
- Six different times.
Once I offered to come home alone
and cheer you up, but Hank wouldn't let me.
- You're darned right Hank wouldn't let you.
- So to compromise, you both stay away.
Do you know what I ought to do?
I ought to...
- Madam, the police.
- The police? For what?
Mrs. Lowndes, I presume.
This is Lieutenant Sullivan.
- He's interested in your case.
- Glad to know you.
What case? There isn't any case.
Bugtail coats.
One dark and one blonde. Yeah.
Mrs. Lowndes, you were saying something
over the phone about your husbands?
These them?
I told you before, you misunderstood me.
This is my husband, Mr. Lowndes.
- Gentlemen.
- Glad to know you.
And his friend, Mr. Cardew.
- Glad to know you.
- It's a pleasure.
Mr. Lowndes and his friend
were at a stag dinner.
He just forgot
to mention it to me, that's all.
- Yes. Yes.
- Simple.
Now that this little mix-up is
all straightened out,
why, you can just go along
and take care of more important things.
The butler,
would you mind calling him in?
- Why?
- Routine. Just routine.
- Nice place you have here.
- Oh, we...
Yes. I'm glad you like it.
You married, Mr. Cardew?
- Yes.
- What's your wife's name?
- Mrs. Cardew.
- That's a pip. I always like that one.
- Peter.
- Never mind.
Pete, would you point out
this lady's husband?
- Why...
- He ought to know the man who hired him.
- Mr. Lowndes, sir.
- Now, that was a signal!
That will do, Pete.
By the way,
I didn't see anybody flash a warrant.
For what? We rang the bell and got asked in.
Then is it all right with you
if you get asked out?
That's a pip. I always liked that one, too.
Where do you live, Mr. Cardew?
- Oh, The Plaza.
- Do you mind if I call up to make sure?
- Well, I haven't registered yet.
- What did you say you live there for?
- 'Cause...
- Listen.
If you stepped off a train in New York
and phoned a friend
that you were stopping at The Plaza,
what's wrong with that?
You're not there yet, but you will be.
That's right. I arrived last night.
- Then where do you live?
- The Plaza.
Don't explain things to him.
He'll get confused.
- Who are you?
- Who are you?
We're detectives.
This is my daughter. What's the trouble?
Trouble? There's no trouble. But there's
one little question we'd like to ask you.
Watch her for signals, Mac.
- Is your daughter married?
- Yes.
Who to?
Well, answer.
Will you take my word for it
that I have only one husband?
I was married once before,
but he's dead.
I'm asking your father.
That one, Mr. Lowndes.
I guess I misunderstood you, lady.
I'm sorry.
Oh, oh, that's all right.
I'm sorry to have caused you
so much trouble.
We're sorry to have bothered you, lady.
- That's all right.
- Goodbye, Miss Lowndes.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Oh, Mrs. Cardew...
- Yes?
- Oh!
- Yes, indeed!
- That was a pip.
All right, you guys, we'll give you five
minutes to get out of them nightgowns,
then we'll all go downtown.
- What for? We didn't do anything.
- Oh, yes, you did... Twice.
- Good luck, Bill.
- You mean, I...
Good luck, Henry.
Tell Vicky I'll see her at home.
- But who... Which...
- Yes, but am I the...
Well, the judge was very nice about it.
He said that the fact that Bill
was declared legally dead
before the usual five-year period proved
there was evidence that I was a widow.
And he said that so long as I didn't marry
two men intentionally
that he wasn't going to do
anything about that.
Wasn't that sweet of him?
- Yes, but...
- Well...
I want you both to understand that
this has been taken
out of our hands now.
- This is the law deciding our lives.
- Yes, honey.
Yes, of course, we realize that, dear.
But what is it?
I have only one legal husband.
My name is Mrs. Cardew.
Darling! My wife! My own wife!
Yes, Bill.
Well, what am I, legally?
Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.
Oh, isn't it a shame
Henry can't be happy, too?
- Don't you feel sorry for him, Bill?
- Yes, I guess it is pretty tough on you, Hank.
I won't try to lie. It is.
You understand, dear, I didn't do this.
We have to obey the judge.
I know. I'll find some place to stay
and send for my things this afternoon.
We're going to miss you so much, Henry.
Well, I'll see you in a few days, Hank,
after things get back to normal.
- Oh, but, Bill...
- Goodbye.
Goodbye. Congratulations.
Goodbye, dear.
Old times again.
Vicky, this is darned near a dream!
- It's more fun than your island, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Why, Henry!
Just a lonely bachelor.
You don't mind, do you?
- Mind? Hank, if you don't...
- Now, Bill.
- Of course we don't mind.
- Thank you, dear.
- No dinner now. Just champagne, please.
- Yes, Mr. Lowndes.
- Perrier-Jout, '28.
- Yes, sir.
- Where do you get that "No dinner now"?
- Bill, please...
- This is my table and I want a steak!
- A glorious night for romance
and you want
to tear a cow apart with your teeth.
- You look wonderful, dear.
- I already told her.
Thank you, Henry. And Bill.
How did you find out
we were coming to Frank's?
You ask me that.
Listen, in case you think you're going
to hang around here and be cute,
you'd better get it into your head
that Vicky is my wife, all mine, and I'm not...
Bill. Henry is our best friend.
- Why, he's practically one of the family, dear.
- Vicky!
Yes, you should be thankful
for a friend like me.
Think of me always, darling, as old faithful,
waiting to console a lonely wife
when her husband hears
the clarion call of adventure.
Hears what clarion call of what adventure?
Oh, it's bound to happen.
A man is what he is born, Bill.
You can't escape it. You left Vicky before
and you'll do it again. It's destiny.
It might take a year, it might take two.
I can wait.
- You shouldn't say that, Henry.
- Listen to me, Hank.
Listen to me. If I live
two thousand years, three thousand,
I'll spend every day and every night
making Vicky so doggoned happy
she won't even remember
how to spell your name.
Do you really mean that, dear?
Naturally he meant it, but you know Bill.
Shall we dance, dear?
A consolation prize for the loser?
- Loser? You act like a loser!
- I guess that's the least we can do for you.
By the way, Bill, I picked these up
for you this afternoon.
Look them over. Excuse us, won't you?
- We will have to do this often.
- Yes!
Yes.