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Top End Wedding (2019)
(MAN SPEAKS TIWI)
MAN: It's a beautiful day for these two young people to get married. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) WOMAN: Daphne! Daphne! (SPEAKS TIWI) (PANTS) Oh! Oh! (DISTANT VOICES APPROACH) WOMAN: Daphne! (SPEAKS TIWI) (ALL YELL) (YELLING VOICES APPROACH) SONG: Three, six, nine The goose drank wine The monkey chew tobacco on the streetcar line The line broke, the monkey got choked And they all went to heaven in a little rowboat Clap, pat, clap, pat Clap, pat, clap, slap Clap, pat Clap your hands Pat it on your partner's hand Right hand Clap, pat Clap your hands Cross it with your left arm Pat your partner's left palm Left palm Clap, clap Clap your hands, pat your partner's right palm With your right palm again Clap, slap Clap your hands Slap your thighs And sing a little song, go My mother told me My mama told me If I was goody If I was goody (SONG CONTINUES AS RINGTONE) That she would buy me A rubber dolly... Not now. (SIGHS) That'll help. (GROANS) Bugger! (SIGHS) - You ready? - Oh! Hampton! Uh, of course. HAMPTON: Like that confidence. Keep that. Actually, I'm kinda freaking out. Lauren, I'm not gonna tell you you'll be fine. I'm not your... - Mother. I know. - Really? Because right now, you are acting like the girlie-girl who doesn't want to wear her big-girl pants. I want to wear the big-girl pants. I do. Good. Hide the heel, brush down your collar, and for Pete's sake, don't let them see the feet. Were you serious about our deal? Have you ever known me not to be serious? MAN: Really? Now we're prosecuting old ladies? What's next, sick babies? MAN 2: Shoplifting's a serious crime, Ned. NED: Oh, yeah, real life-and-death stuff. What did she steal? Incontinence pads? (CHUCKLES) Exactly. - Really? - Two boxes. Oh! Two boxes! Well, then! On eight separate occasions. Wow. That's a very leaky bladder. Regardless, can we just let her have them? Excuse me? When she needs to go, she needs to go. Then she needs to pay for them. You really want to take her to court, don't you? I want you to take her to court, Ned. That's your job. (SOBS) Would you like some tissues, Mrs Ruthers? No, no, no. T-tissues for the eyes, not for down... ..your...leaky bladder. (MRS RUTHERS SOBS) (GROANS) - Case dismissed. - (CHOKES) - I dismiss. You can't dismiss! - I just did. - Did he? - No. - You can't say that! She does! - I just said that! The charges are dropped. You can go home now, Mrs Ruthers. You can't do that! She says that! Yes, I can! - Can I? - Um...I... No! The answer is no! My office. - Sugar? - No, thank you. Actually, yes, please. Actually, no. No, I'm gonna be good. You know why your dad was a great lawyer? He used to come into my courtroom in odd socks, shirt inside out, notes written on napkins. He was the best because he knew why he was doing it. We only get one shot at this. Don't waste it turning my courtroom into a shambles. C'tait superbe de faire votre connaissance. - Au revoir, madame. - bientt. Au revoir, messieurs! Bonne journe! - (SIGHS) - You know what this means? - I got the... - You have to work nights. Right, of course. But...I'm an associate? That was the deal. (SQUEALS) S-sorry. Got another pair, so... NED: I've had a pretty important day, babe. I've got some big news. - I quit my job. - (WHIMPERS) Don't hate me. (WHINES) That's not helpful. OK, let's try this hand first. Will you marry me? (WHIMPERS) Yeah, let's go with that one first, shall we? - (DOOR CLOSES) - Shit! Uh... - I have to tell you something! - I have to ask you something. You first. No, go on. OK. So, today, I met some French businessmen... Marry me? Yes! Bloody yes! SONG: What you find I think I love you What you feel now I feel I need you What you know (PHONE BUZZES) To be real, yeah Ooh, yeah... - (CORK POPS) - (LAUREN SQUEALS) - NED: Wahey! - (LAUGHS) Hey, so, tell me your news. I made associate! That's great! Oh, hold on a second. Does that mean you're stuck with Cruella de Vil? - Would that be so bad? - Uh, yes. Why? Because she's a powerful woman? Are you kidding me? I love powerful women. I just don't think they all need a secret lair and a hairless cat. She doesn't have a secret lair. She has a hairless cat, Lauren. I've seen it. It's disgusting! - Oh, OK. OK. - Hey, no. Let me raise a glass. You deserve this. Thank you. Now, there is one little proposal disclaimer. If we're gonna get married... ..let's just do it straightaway, yeah? None of this year-long engagement crap. "Engagement crap"? How romantic. No, all I'm saying is... the sooner, the better. The next few months are good. I've got, um...a work window. What work window? Oh, no, I just got given a short, um... (CLEARS THROAT) ..bonus...hiatus thingy after winning the old lady her freedom for her. (PHONE BUZZES, PLAYS 'TREATY') - Oh! No, no, no, no, no! - You're kidding me! No, no. Hey, hey, hey! Give it back. - Does she ever go home? - (LAUGHS) Come on. Hi. Oh. Now? U-um...sure. I'll be on my way. Yep, I've got that. Yes. No, no, I'm just...I'm just... No, it's Ned. Not Fred. I'm not far away. OK. I'll see you soon. - Bye. - (DOOR CLOSES) I quit my job! RINGTONE: My mother told me My mama told me If I was goody If I was goo... Sorry. (SIGHS WEARILY) (PHONE DINGS) Sorry. Again. Are you stoned? Whoa! What? No! - Your eyes are all bloodshot. - It's 4am. Am I keeping you? - No, I just... - (DESK WHIRRS) - Oh, w-we're going down now? - Come on. Out with it. A ballerina cannot pirouette with a carrot up her backside. I-I don't know what that means. You've got to remove that carrot. If you don't, then I will, and believe me... It's Ned. Ah. The carrot... ..has a name. We just got engaged, see? And I should be excited, but he said this thing about getting married before the promotion kicks in, but I don't know what the rush is... - His gumnuts are shrinking. - Excuse me? You're gonna be making more money than he does and he can feel it in his little gumnuts, and he does not like it. I don't think there's anything wrong with his gumnuts. He wants to close the deal before it's too late. The deal? Lauren. Do you want to marry him or not? I really do. But he's just so... At Hampton and Associates, when we have a problem to solve, what do we do? Solve it? Step it out. - Whoa! - MACHINE: Incline. I haven't been coaching you for five years to lose you to some domestic twaddle. Thigh burner. Mind you... ..some clients, they like a married lawyer. They're not gonna get that from me. I'll give you 10 days without pay, then you're back to work. - Deal? - Deal. Good. - Cool down. - Stop this. Leave it. Go home. - Thank you! - Goodbye. 10 days. - NED: 10 days? - LAUREN: Yep. So, quickly, get dressed. I meant the next few months, not the next few days! I called your brother. He's taking us to the airport in 20. The airport? Lauren! I always imagined getting married back home. You want to fly to Darwin today? Are you having second thoughts? No. No, I want to get married. To you, specifically. I just don't get the bit about Darwin and today. - What's the rush? - We can talk on the plane. You've never even taken me up there. You never even talk about home. Now, all of a sudden, you want to go up there? Yes. I know it doesn't make sense, but it feels right. Our parents will get to meet. It'll be perfect. (SIGHS) Lauren, this is all very confusing. I know I'm coming across unhinged, but something tells me that if I don't get married back up home, I'll always regret it. I've always been able to see it. Both my parents walking me down the aisle. My old girlfriends all dressed up. The Darwin heat. The air. I just can't imagine it anywhere else. NED: Have you got his flea treatment? - LAUREN: Yep. - Yeah? And his brush? We want him looking good for the wedding. - Uh-huh. - Both leashes? Ned, whatever you've told me to pack for Cher, I've packed it. - OK. - WOMAN: Right, out with it. How far along? When are you due? Hello, Mother. - She's not pregnant, Mother. - What tosh! No-one gets married this quickly unless there's a baby on the way. - Morning, Lauren. - Morning, Robbie. So, are you gonna find out the sex or you gonna wait for it to be a surprise? You're making this wedding all about you. What about me? We're just meant to drop everything and fly to Darwin! It's important to Lauren. It... It's important to both of us that we get married in Darwin. I thought you were from the Tiwi Islands. Mum's from the Tiwi Islands. I grew up in Darwin. So, what are we talking? Are we talking... ..didgeridoos and tribal dancing? - Face paint? - NED AND ROBBIE: Mum! I wish Dad could come. He would have loved you. I love her too, Ned. That's not what I'm saying. We know. (CICADAS CHIRP) So, don't forget, Mum loves the place clean and tidy. Oh, and Dad has this thing about men dressing up as boys, so tuck your shirt in. - I'm wearing a T-shirt. - No, tuck your shirt in. - I'm not a tucker. - No, tuck your shirt in! - I don't tuck the tee, Lauren! - Have some manners! Hey, you should be thankful I don't dress like that guy. Tuck in the tee! (CHUCKLES) Dad?! Oi! What are you wearing pyjamas for? Slept in. Hey, come on, now. It's three in the afternoon. Shame job! Didn't have time to clean up. Can you please just open the boot? (LAUREN SIGHS) Finally get to meet you in person. Hello. What's that thing? Oh, this is Cher. Cher, say hello to your grandfather. - (CHER WHINES) - Oh, yeah! Ohh! He likes you. What do you want to be called? Uh, Grandpa? Grampy? Gramps? Poppa? Pappy...Pappy Bear? Pop? Put the shit on your laps. MAN: Get off the friggin' road! (HONKS HORN) Put your indicator on, you dick! You trying to be Santa or what? Forgot to shave. I've never seen pyjamas with shorts. Huh! (CHER GROWLS) Eugh! Dad, what's going on? Where's Mum? (SOBS) ('IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW' BY CHICAGO PLAYS) If you leave me now You'll take away the biggest part of me... (SOBS) Ooh, no, baby, please don't go And if you leave me now... That's all she wrote? "I'm done"? That's it? Well, I just woke up and she was gone. I tried calling her and...found that. Mint tea? She tried calling me a couple times. She called? When? - Biscuit? - I don't know. A few days ago. - What, and you didn't pick up? - Dad, I've been busy. - Well, I didn't say nothing. - Don't try to blame me. I didn't say nothing! - Is this her phone? - BOTH: Yes! You didn't think to tell me all this when I called to say we were coming up to get married? - In 10 days. - In 10 days! I thought maybe she'd be back by now. "I'm done." It doesn't sound very good, does it? Arggh! Oh, shit. "The things unsaid were getting too loud. "Ignoring each other is not what we vowed. "Not even my daughter will pick up the phone, "So I'm leaving you all to go it alone." Not much of a poet, eh? (CHUCKLES) - Oh... - (DOOR OPENS) - Wait for it. - (DOOR CLOSES) - ('IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW' PLAYS) - Huh! Amazing. (GROANS) If you leave me now You'll take away the biggest part of me... (CHER WHINES) Lauren, you can't leave me alone with him. Let me come with you. - To my hens' night? - Why not? I don't mind eating penis cake or...whatever it is you do at these things. What am I supposed to do with him? Slow-dance in the pantry? Just turn on the footy. Really? He likes his football? Who does he support? Aussie Rules, dickhead. We're in the NT. NED: Oh, Lauren! I hate Aussie Rules! Oh, my God! Can you at least pretend like you care that my family's falling apart? I do care, Lauren. I'm getting married to you... - Not anymore. - What? I mean, not anymore... I mean...now. I didn't know this was gonna happen. But I can't get married if my mum isn't here. I still want you to be my husband. We'll get married in a month or two when she's back. This whole 10-day thing was stupid anyway. Can you call the Adelaide mob? Give 'em the bad news? Th-they're already booking their flights! Uh-huh. Then do it quickly. Hold on a second. Hold on! So you get to go out with your friends and eat penis cake while I stay here with Pantry Man and disappoint my family? Pantry Man? Fuck... Exactly. I'll just have one drink, tell the girls and come home. - One drink! - One drink, yeah. (LOUD DANCE MUSIC THUMPS) - Tiwi Tiwi! - Whoo-hoo! Oh, don't! Toodoi straws? Really? They didn't have any black ones. I think the party store is a bit racist. Why would she be wanting black toodoi when she getting white toodoi? Don't start! Oh, only one toodoi for you now! I haven't had toodoi in a while. Oh, my God! You mob got no shame! Hey, cudjerie, we're just getting warmed up. Now, give me my white toodoi! COMMENTATOR: Centring ball, Rioli! The one-on-one! - (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Oh, outstanding play. - (CHER GROWLS) - And he makes no mistake. Loosen up, cudjerie! You're not in some fancy courtroom now. You're at Throb with your sister girls! Oi. I need to tell you something. - Shots! - Hairy nuts! Three hairy nuts for us and a waxed nut for Lauren. Oh, but I love hair on my nuts! Fuck it. ('ESCAPADE' BY JANET JACKSON PLAYS) (WOMEN CHEER) Our song, sis! Alright, you mob, it's been a while. Now, you reckon we can do this? Ha ha! OK. (DRUM INTRO) As I was walking by Saw you standing there with a smile ALAN RICKMAN: Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne. Rambo? Marshall Dillon? BRUCE WILLIS: I was partial to Roy Rogers, actually. You know in Darwin we've got this thing called the pizza delivery boy? Yeah. Mm-hm. Mmm. - Yippee-ki-yay, motherf... - (BARKS) Looking shy, you caught my eye Thought you'd want to hang for a while (CHEERING) Well, I'd like to be with you And, you know, it's Friday too... MAN: You know, we've got a pool going on you. What kind of odds am I getting? MAN: You don't want to know. BRUCE WILLIS: Put me down for 20. (BOTH GROAN) LAUREN: That's terrifying! Look at it! WOMAN: Come on, sissy, have some. Eugh! Nah. Don't be stupid! Get away. - Don't sit there! - Come on, have a slice. Alright, you mob, we got dress fitting at 10am tomorrow, so that's enough penis cake. Why'd you book it so early? Because that's the only time they could fit us in, eff ya! Look, this one didn't give us much time to pull this bastard together, so stop your whingeing and bring it in. Come on. Come on. Good girl. (ALL GIGGLE) Now, Lauren, when I first met you at school, I thought you was the biggest nerd. Now look at you. - Still a nerd. - (ALL LAUGH) But a deadly big lawyer nerd who's come back from Adelaide to get married, ah! (ALL CHEER) Married, married, married! She getting married! She gonna put a ring on that finger! Oi, sis. It's been five years. Let's not leave it another five, eh? - Promise. - Promise. - Promise. - Promise! - Promise! - Promise! - Louder. - Promise! - Promise! - Pinky! - Hey, pinky. - Pinky. Promise. Pinky. ALL: Cudjeries unite! (ALL LAUGH) - Here, now. Selfie. - Selfie, selfie! Just a... Just a real...solid movie. Yeah? (SOBS) - Bye, sissy. - Bye. Wedding cancelled. I'm not a man anymore. Sure you are. No, no. Bruce Willis is a real man. (SOBS) He walked through glass for his woman. What do I do? Just sit here listening to '80s chick music. I can't handle another saxophone solo. It's not so bad. Oh, yeah, what would you know? You're about to get married. No idea you're stepping into a life of...misery. And broken promises. Weddings are nothing but a pretty bow on a box full of... - Shit. - Yeah, exactly. (SOBS) Ned? Hey, Pop? Uh...can I borrow your... ..car? (SNORES) (HORN HONKS OUTSIDE) - I'll look after it, Pop. - MAN: (CALLS OUT) Hello? Anybody home? Hello? NED: One second. Coming. MAN: Oh. Hey, mate, she fell asleep in my cab. NED: Thank you. I'll take it from here. MAN: You owe me 15 bucks. And a tip. What's going on? You said we couldn't get married without your mum at the wedding. So we're gonna go and find her. You're serious? If you don't want to get married, I'll turn around. I didn't say that. If I turn around, though, that is it. Calm down! I'm not saying... I'm just... Oh. Oh, give me a second. Lauren, I'm 33 years old, yeah? Now, maybe you don't feel this, but... ..I see a room that's slowly filling up with boxes, and when that room is full, I'm dead. Now, right now, there's a lot of crap in there. Cheap boxes that are falling apart. Boxes so boring, I don't even remember what's in them. But a life with you... ..being married to you, that's a whole bunch of bright, shiny boxes full of...diamonds and... ..fairy floss. Look at where I am because of you. I'm in the Top End of the country. Already, my boxes are looking brighter. So, how do you know we're going in the right direction? Well, I checked your mum's call history. The last call she made was to you, but the call before that, I called it. It was a hotel in Kakadu. But wait - did you call the Adelaide mob? Did you cancel the wedding? Did you tell the girls? Guess we'd better go find her, then. ('DOWN UNDER' BY NABARLEK BAND PLAYS) Travelling in a brand-new troopie On a bininj trail full of stories I met a strange daluk She made me nervous She took me in and gave me manme... - Chuck us your dress. - Here. And she say, "Do you come from a land down under? "Where daluk smile and bininj plunder? "Can you hear, can you hear the thunder? "You'd better run, you'd better take cover" Buying bread from a man in Darwin He was six foot four... WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Let's stop. Wait. Wait! Cudjerie, where the heck are you now? LAUREN: Breathe, girls. I'm just saying start without me. We'll sweep into Kakadu, pick up Mum and be back before you can say, "Damn, girl! You look deadly in that!" Stop the car! - NED: What do you mean? - Turn in there! Lauren, what the heck is going on with this wedding? WOMAN 2: Give me the phone, Edgar! WOMAN 1: Your hand's got sauce all over it. - NED: Where are you going? - Put down the pie! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why? Why did she sell her car? This was your mum's? Why would you drive three hours only to dump your car? Maybe...maybe she wanted a new one? There's nothing wrong with this car, Ned. What's this car doing in your yard? (GROANS) MAN: One lady come along here, we paid cash for it. MAN 2: We gave her seven grand. LAUREN: The lady who owns this car sold it to you for seven grand? MAN: Yeah. She didn't trade it in, just sold it! Took cash. Cash! I don't like it, Ned. What the hell is she up to out here? Let's just get to the hotel and ask her, yeah? - Come on, then. - Right. P.A.: The next tour group to the wetlands begins at 11:30. Please meet at the 'tour group' sign outside the complex. Don't look so excited. What do you want from me? We're walking into a giant crocodile. LAUREN: Just let me do the talking, OK? NED: OK. OK, Lauren. Yeah, you do the talking. Not another word. You're the boss. - LAUREN: Look, my mother... - NED: We're getting married. - WOMAN: Really? - Yeah. Yeah, we're just up here looking for wedding venues. We've got, uh... What was it, babe? 400, 500 guests coming? They'll all need rooms. That's not... We have a fantastic function venue. That's exactly what our mum said. But we wanted to see for ourselves, so we came here to meet her, but, um... You see, her mum's having a bit of a mid-life crisis... - She is not. - What was her name again? - Daffy. - Daphne Ford. - Daphne Ford. - NED: Daphne Ford. - (WOMAN SIGHS) - Is there a problem? Wow. Big night. WOMAN: She was with the French helicopter pilot. I've got the photos to prove it. Thanks, Travis. LAUREN: Ohh... I threw her out wearing not much more than a... Hat. That her? Yep. You can pick her things up at reception. FRENCHMAN: It was as if she had a thousand years of repressed sexual... (LAUREN INTERJECTS IN FRENCH) I'll never experience a night of passion like that again. Sensuous. Frenzied. Insane. Believe me, she was animal. - Do you know where she went? - Ah. Merci beaucoup. Uh...to fulfil her dream. Dream? What dream? To hitchhike like hippie on motorbike. - It's a foolish dream, but... - Where to? To Katherine. - Did you say hitchhike? - Ouais. - On a motorbike? - Ouais. To Katherine? (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Shit. - Une minute. - Mm-hm. Quit ear-bashing me, love. Yeah, she caught a knee-dragger to Katherine. Now, bugger off! (FRENCH ACCENT) OK! Time to fly, ma jolie! Allez, allez! Le seatbelt. Allez, allez! Au revoir, au revoir! Allez, allez, allez! Hlicoptre! Chop chop chop! Allez, allez. Voil. On y va. Au revoir! I want to stab him with that cheese knife! - You sure about this? - Yep. You want to go back to Darwin and get married without your mum? Why not? She got married to Dad without inviting her mother to theirs. What do you mean? I told you this story. No. You told me your mum hasn't spoken to her family since she was 18. Lauren? I don't know my Tiwi nanna, so I don't know her side of the story, but essentially, my mum left some Tiwi fella at the altar, eloped with my dad and never went back. If she can do that to her mother, then I can do it to mine. We can still find her. I don't care anymore. - Let's keep looking. - (PHONE DINGS) We've got so much to organise, I don't know where to start. (PHONE DINGS REPEATEDLY) I've got hundreds of messages from the Adelaide mob, from the bridesmaids, all asking me different... - NED: Hey. - LAUREN: Ned? - Do you know this area well? - Yeah. LAUREN: Great. Great. Talking to myself. NED: Seen anyone on a knee-dragger riding around? Alright. Worth trying. Thanks. (TIWI FOLK MUSIC PLAYS) (WOMEN SING TRADITIONAL TIWI SONG) (TRADITIONAL TIWI SONG CONTINUES) (SINGS TRADITIONAL SONG) (CONTINUES SINGING) You want to suck on my salty plums? No? - (TYRES SQUEAL) - Whoa! What are you doing?! We're going to Katherine. (ENGINE ROARS) I don't know what Mum's doing there, but we're gonna find out. NED: How many bars you got? Two. - (RINGING TONE) - It's ringing. LAUREN: Dad? Where's my car? What you doing? Walking your stupid dog. Don't call Cher stupid, Dad! Dad, just listen carefully, because I can't believe I'm asking you this... - Where's my car? - We have your stupid car. Don't call her stupid! Dad, listen. I need you to plan the wedding. Hey, sorry, can we take a photo? - So cute! - Uh, yeah, sure! (LAUGHS) No, no, no, the whole wedding. Venue, celebrant, flowers, candles, canaps. Bloody everything. - Perfect. So cute. - Thanks for that. Yeah, no. No worries, love. Dad, are you listening? God willing we find Mum tonight and you're off the hook, but... What, you found her? Wh-where are you? No, no, no, Dad. It's... How'd she look? Is she OK? She's fine. We haven't found her yet, but we're close. I'm coming. No, Dad! Just... I need you there, OK? If she sees me and hears about the wedding, maybe she'll put this whole romantic adventure behind her. - Romantic? - Shh! Don't say... - Who's she there with? - No-one. Yeah, I'll bet it's that personal trainer Hugo. She's been training with that poser for the last six months. Hasn't lost a pound. She's not with Hugo, Dad. Then what's so romantic about it? She's alone. Dad, I need you now, OK? I'll find Mum, you organise the wedding. Dad, are you listening? Dad! It's time to send in the big gun. Big gun? (SNORES) (CAR PULLS UP) (CHER GROWLS) (CAR DRIVES OFF) (FOOTSTEPS) Trevor Ford? What? Lauren's father? Have I got the right place? Are Ronelle, Dana and, uh, Kailah here yet? Oh...I don't think so. Why? Your daughter made my firm a lot of money in the last quarter, and I do not intend to lose her to some 'no place like home' la-la fantasy. She's put me in charge of this event and I intend to take charge. Now, I am no wedding planner, but I am a planner. So let's hop to it. Eh? (CALLS OUT) Ned? Is your name Lauren? Hop in. Good morning, almost wife. Good morning, almost husband. Is that eggs Benedict? Your favourite, right? I found all this camping gear under the car seats. Shall we? Listen, um... Before we left home, uh, this little thing happened at work and, um... Oh, my God! It's like a restaurant! Really? Oh, great. Thank you. Come on, then. Bon apptit. Mm-hm. Cake! Yes! WOMAN: Oh, come on! That's too easy! Yeah, one trip to the Cheesecake Shop. That's it, done. Excuse me! Do either of you know how to make a cake? Yeah, like you're gonna make it yourself. No debate, ladies! Next. Flowers?! I don't know anything about bloody flowers! Here. Give me cake. Sure. I'll do flowers! Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! No swapping. Next. - Decorations. - HAMPTON: Perfect. That is enough, ladies. I'm doing cake! You wouldn't know wedding cake if it landed between your legs! At least I got things landing between my legs! Oh, yeah, what, Rodney Roberts? - That's a bit crusty. - No! Rodney Roberts? That was, like, five years ago! (WOMEN ARGUE) ('IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW' PLAYS) (TREVOR SOBS) - If you leave me now... - (TREVOR SINGS ALONG, SOBS) Lucky he's not doing music, eh? LAUREN: I remember going on one of them tours. School camp. Year eight or something. I remember because one of the Jawoyn rangers taught us the local word for 'saltwater crocodile' and then this boy yells out, "Hey, Lauren, why don't you speak Aboriginal?" Everyone laughed. I wanted to punch that kid so bad. But then I realised it wasn't the boy I was angry with. It was the fact I didn't know the answer. I don't know why my mum didn't want to teach me Tiwi. I don't want to do that to our kids. I just don't know how to avoid it. (CALLS OUT) Ned! Talking to my bloody self again! Lauren! Ned?! Ned, what are you doing? What? Your mum's hat! From the hotel! Yes! Yes, that's her hat! - Oof! Sorry. Sorry. - GIRL: Ow! Coming through, coming through! We've found her! - (LAUGHS) - WOMAN: What are you doing? MAN: Hey, whitefella, we're in the middle of a tour! (AMERICAN ACCENT) Get your hands off me! (AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, chill! Relax, man! Oh, shit. You're not Daffy. WOMAN: Of course I'm not Daffy! NED: Sorry, everybody. I think I stepped on your foot. Gentlemen, I just want to apologise. - Hey, watch out, daddy-o! - No, sorry. Here, sorry. I just want to apologise. We're on a bit of a man-hunt. Well, a mum-hunt. I'm actually engaged to an Aboriginal woman. She's just over there. Sorry, everybody. Carry on. It's a lovely spot. Lovely spot. No, no, no. It wasn't like that. MAN: We didn't steal the hat, OK? She gave it to us. Why would she do that? Because she was a lot more chill than you. Hey, come on. Play nice. WOMAN: Look, your mom was a hoot, OK? First Aboriginal hitchhiker we've ever picked up. Anyway, we start rolling a fatty... What? Then she tells us she's never smoked pot before. What's that? We thought it was rude not to share it with her, so... You...smoked marijuana with my mother? For a first-timer, she was amazing. Didn't cough or nothing... OK, OK, how about we just cut to the bit where you tell us where she is? Uh... Prison. - MAN: Hey, cuz! (LAUGHS) - LAUREN: Braydon! Fianc Ned, cousin Braydon. Cool, bra. How's it hangin'? Oh, yeah, a little bit to the left. Yeah, me too. So, I guess you're here about, uh... What happened? (LAUGHS) Oh, shit! Oh! Whoo! (LAUGHS) Oh, wait till you hear this one, cuz! (SIGHS) So, I'm on patrol, right? And I pull over this rust bucket so full of smoke, it looked like they're having a smoking ceremony inside. Before I open my door, a couple of backpackers make a run for it straight into the bush. I couldn't be arsed chasing them, so I take a peek inside their car and... ..ooh, I nearly fell over from shock! Aunty Daff laid out in the back, getting all Bob Marley and shit. Proper shame job, eh? (CACKLES) - It wasn't her pot. - Yeah, yeah, I know. - So why did you arrest her? - Oh, come on, cuz. Had your mum yelling at me all morning. I was just doing my job. OK, can you just hurry up so we can see her? I didn't bloody book her. Nah. Just locked her up till she was sober, copped a lecture and set her loose. (BOTH GROAN) You right, cuz? She right? Officer, do you have a detective in the building? Um... Cheeky Wendy sometimes pops in. Yeah, we're gonna need to speak to a detective asap. - Huh? - Huh? As I'm sure you're aware, in the District Court, a drug trafficking offence... It was just a little fella. ..could inflict a penalty of $200,000. - Whoa, whoa! - Wait a second! - Or 15 years in prison. - Ned! Go ahead. Look it up on your computer. LAUREN: What are you doing? We're gonna need all your team working on the case, and don't make me lodge a 25A. We all know how tedious that paperwork can get. Am I right? So... ..what you're saying is... ..you want us to find her? - Yes. - Can you? But she not even lost. - What? - Mum picked her up. Great! That's...that's good, isn't it? Braydon's mum, she's kind of a... Pain in the arse. OK. But maybe they're still together. Where do we find your mum? (LAUGHS) She gone fishin'. WOMAN: She didn't sleep with that Frenchie. He bats for the other side! Auntie, come on! How was I meant to know? AUNTIE: Well, the whole Top End knows! LAUREN: (GROANS) Yeah, alright. So, tell me, then, where is she? Don't humbug me with questions when you already know the answer. If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be on a wild goose chase. Wild goose? Don't you mean jungle fowl? Huh? AUNTIE: That's one of your dances, girl. Now, sit down and have a cuppa. - No tea. I just want... - Did you say milk or sugar? LAUREN: Neither. Please, just tell me straight. Uh, Lauren? When you dropped her at the bus, did she say where she was going? Of course. Well, why don't you just tell me where she went? - I can. - Thank you. But I won't. Oh, Jesus! He can't help. Nah. Where do you go to mend a broken heart? The doctor? Is she always like this? When my boy's had a rough day locking up them wild ones and hurting real bad, what does he do? He comes here to Mummy one. Fill his belly with a big feed. He's happy boy. When you're hurting, where do you go looking? For Mum. Ah. And your Mummy one? When she hurt? I'm sorry, what? Where's your mum now? Tiwi. (WOMEN CHATTER IN BACKGROUND) - Should I be touching this? - Take it off! Hey, no need to snatch! Hey, Unc. Sounds like old times. Bet you're glad those are over. I'd take 'em back in a heartbeat. You know, I probably shouldn't be talking about this stuff with you, Uncle, but ever since my kids' dad ran off with that skank, I haven't exactly had much luck with muligahs. That is until I went to a friend's wedding a few months back and I met this budju of a man. And I'm telling you, we had a night that started off like a Disney movie and ended like a XXX... Ronelle! My point is, weddings change people. Not just the bride and groom. We make this wedding as romantic as possible and you'll get Auntie back. (WOMEN ARGUE) Oi, you mob! Shut your holes and get your rings in the car! You want me to check your Keno? No. WOMAN: Dunno what you're moaning about. - Here, are you driving? - (WOMEN CHATTER) Excuse me? We got a wedding to put together. Yes, we know. Yeah, and people are trying to sleep. People should be up by now. If they're not up by now, they're wasting their lives. Oh, rightio, Mum! OK, big shot, let's not waste our lives away. - Where to first? - We gotta go Casuarina. Then we gotta go out to Winnellie. Then we have to go Mindil Beach markets. - (HORN HONKS) - See you, Uncle! (EAGLE CRIES) Can you pull over? - Stop, stop. - OK, OK. (EAGLE CRIES) (WHISTLES) - Ready? - Yeah. (STARTS ENGINE) - (BANG!) - (ENGINE STOPS) That's weird. Try it again. (CRANKS ENGINE) (ENGINE SPLUTTERS) (ENGINE STOPS) What kind of fuel did you use? Just...normal. You know, unleaded. Babe? - Oh. Lauren? - (LAUREN SOBS) Lauren, what's the matter? Lauren. What did I do? (LAUREN SOBS) It's a diesel, isn't it? - (LAUREN CONTINUES SOBBING) - It's... But no. No, I put in... LAUREN: (SOBS) You idiot! Ohh! SONG: I'm going back to my homeland To my country by the sea I'm going back to my homeland To my country by the sea Oh, yeah, I get back to Numbulwar That's where I want to be Uh...uh...a tutu! - Tutu! - Um... - Tulle. - Tulle! Yeah! (LAUGHS) (TRUCK HORN BLARES) Hear you're getting hitched! Too deadly, Uncle! (HONKS) Thanks. Get your shit. We're catching the bus. Go fishing in the morning And set the traps at night... MAN: Love your bike! Go fishing in the morning And set the traps at night When it's early in the morning Go get the cat from the trap... (GROANS) Piece of shit! You'll have to call work. There's no way we'll be back in time. Did you hear me? It's just work. Pardon?! I'll call them. (SIGHS) I quit my job. Yeah. You're hilarious. No, I...I actually... I actually quit my job. Yeah, righto. When? The same day I proposed. Oh, my God. Yeah. You quit your job?! Yep. The same day you proposed?! Yeah. What the hell is wrong with you? I can't do it anymore. What does that even mean? It means I can't spend the rest of my life pretending to be... Stop. Wait. You've been lying to me this whole time. I haven't lied. I just haven't found... You can't drop a bomb like that without telling me first! ..you always cut me off! BOTH: You never listen! I can't believe we did this all in a day. Like I said, planning is the bedrock of success. I should put this cake in the fridge. - We should pop a champers. - OTHERS: No. The cake. Fridge? - Yeah, we'll do it. - Leave it to us. Now, 'night, ladies. - Night-night, Uncle. - Goodnight. The cake? Yeah, in the fridge. - In the fridge, yeah. - Goodnight. Don't forget, ladies, 6am sharp! - See you at seven! - Night-night. Oi, how come they call that dog Cher when he got boonga? Don't judge. It's a non-binary thing. Oh, you mean like Rodney Roberts? - Uh, don't start me now. - Don't forget the cake! (BOTH LAUGH) HAMPTON: And then, of course, she had to hide the heel, I don't know, probably in a croissant. (BOTH LAUGH) Well, it sounds right. She's always been clumsy, like her mum. (CHUCKLES) Tell me about her. - Who? - Your wife. Some people say that they didn't see a divorce coming, but...surely there must be signs. We're not divorced. Oh, I'm s...I'm sorry. Oh. Oh, it's none of my business. I'm s... When Daf and I first got together, it was at the expense of certain... ..well, certain traditions. She became convinced that her family hated us for it. All that got brushed aside while we raised Lauren. But it's funny how quickly the years can pass. Before you know it, you're alone again in the house. No kid. Too much time to think. I mean... You know, there was talk in the house. Just no listening. And eventually, there wasn't even talk. - (BOTH CHUCKLE) - Sorry. Hoo-hoo! Oh! (SIGHS) It's still hot. Yeah, yeah. What about you? No, we won't talk about me. Aw! That ain't fair. Uh, there was a guy, once, and we were engaged. But it doesn't matter. Well, and? The, uh, lawyer in me... ..asked him to sign a, uh... ..prenuptial agreement. He felt that was a sign that I didn't trust him completely. And that was it. It was all over. I threw myself into my work. Did you trust him? Completely. I think it was me I didn't trust. (VEHICLE APPROACHES) (VEHICLE DRIVES PAST) You're right. I should have told you about the job. But you know what? It might feel like me quitting came out of nowhere, but it didn't. You just never noticed. You get so wrapped up in other things. Back home, it's your job, now it's your family... If I'm so self-absorbed, why do you want to marry me? - Oh come on, Lauren. - That's not an answer. Because you're not self-absorbed, OK? You're dedicated. All I'm saying is that you could point some of that dedication this way. Maybe I should go to Tiwi on my own. No, no. That doesn't make sense. We'd better face this now before we get married. Face what? That I can't be a part of your family? - That's not what I said. - You're not saying much! Don't yell at me. OK. (SIGHS) OK, let's just cool down and discuss this in the morning, alright? There's nothing to discuss. You quit your job. You're out here on some big adventure, making sure your boxes are full of beauty or something. But I just need to find my mum. And I need to do it alone. So, what are you saying? The...the wedding's off? Don't mess me around, Lauren! At least have the stomach to tell me! Yes! The wedding is off. (LAUREN SOBS) (GRUNTS) HAMPTON: Adina Hotel, please. (RHYTHMIC CLAPPING) (WOMEN SING IN TIWI) (WOMEN CONTINUE SINGING IN DISTANCE) ('IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW' PLAYS IN DISTANCE) If you leave me now You'll take away the biggest part of me Ooh, no, baby, please don't go And if you leave me now You'll take away the very heart of me Ooh, no, baby, please don't go Ooh, girl, I just want you to stay A love like ours is love that's hard to find How could we let it slip away... (NED SIGHS HEAVILY) WOMAN: Oi, and don't forget them heart napkins. WOMAN: I won't, I won't! RONELLE: Don't get stroppy with her, please. - I'm not! - You are! See how you go. - Hey, look who's back! - NED: Hey. - Whoa! - Just in time! - Where's sissy? - Did you find Auntie? Uh...not quite, no, no. Well, where's Lauren? Um... She's gone to Tiwi. Tiwi? - What about the wedding? - Yeah, it's tomorrow. It's bloody tomorrow. The wedding's off. - What, you mean postponed? - Wait. Wait. - Hang on a second. - Like, off? HAMPTON: Hi. Look, the wedding's on track, all set. I still can't believe you talked me into coming up here. You must have known a change of scene was what I needed. Anyway, thanks to you, those new clients are on my back, so I'm flying home tonight. But you, you have a proper honeymoon. Come back when you're ready. Congratulations and all that. Tiwi taxi service. Where you going, sis? - Um... - Hey-hey! Only garmin. I was just driving past. Well, you got a lift or what? - No, nothing. - Well, jump in. Hey, look, I don't bite. Not unless you want me to. (LAUGHS) So, where are we going, sis? Well, I'm looking for my mum. Daphne Ford. Daffy? Daffy? Don't be stupid! Boonga! Daphne's my sister! - What? - I'm your uncle. True cod! Uncle Foxxy! (LAUGHS) Your mother just come back here too, you know? Long time since I seen her. This your first time to Tiwi too, eh, bub? Time to take you to the family now. Hold on to your munchies, 'cause it's about to get crunchy! - (FOXXY LAUGHS) - Whoa! Hello, family! Family! That's your family over there too. Hey, look, we're gonna take this short cut here, bub. Look. Yeah, lovely and cool in here, eh? Lovely. I'm Uncle Foxxy and I know all these backstreets here. - This is a backstreet?! - This is a backstreet. (LAUGHS) OK! And also, this is where I take all your...uncles, you know? - At night-time. - (BOTH LAUGH) And over here, we have the one and only Sistagirls. Hi, girls! Make way! Make way, everybody! Precious cargo on board! Oh, don't worry, this is where everything happens, at the shop. - Hello! - Hi! Oh, hi! - Is that my skirt? - Oh, hello! You'd better give it back to me later. How do they know me? Well, look, you look a bit like your mother and a bit like me, bub. Well, you've seen everything now, bub! - (LAUGHS) - The whole town centre. What did you think of that? Now. you don't be a stranger, alimpunga. (SPEAKS TIWI) This your family place. Look, we know your mother's story, but that's not your story, OK? Church over there, look. You'll find Mummy one there. You're one of them, bub. I'll see you round like a ringworm. Hello. (ALL GREET HER IN TIWI) (LAUREN CHUCKLES) Mum. Mum! - Mum, what's... - Shh! (MAN CHANTS SOFTLY INSIDE) (SOFTLY) Come on. (MAN CHANTS SOFTLY) My grandparents. They're still alive? Kuwa. Can I meet them? Please? (DAFFY SOBS) Lauren...this is my dad. Your amini. Grandfather. (SPEAKS TIWI) (SPEAKS TIWI) (GRANDFATHER SPEAKS TIWI) (SOBS) How did you even know I was here? Did your dad send you here? Is this what this is about? Mum, he thinks you're with the personal bloody trainer! Hugo? I've been going to that muligah for six months and I haven't lost a pound! Your dad's dumber than I thought. Mum, don't say that! He's been going crazy without you. I'm surprised he noticed I was gone. So? Spit it out. What are you doing here? (LAUGHS) That Ned fella? That's great! It was great, but... Mum, we had the whole wedding planned and I called it off. Why? Because I don't want to regret getting married, like you. I don't regret marrying your father. What? Marrying your father was the best thing that happened to me. I regret not seeing my family. I regret not bringing you here. Alimpunga, if I didn't marry your father, I would never have had you. Look... ..I needed some space from your dad. To go it alone for a bit in order to work out that... ..your dad wasn't the problem. But he wasn't the solution either. And once I worked that out, I just had to muster up the courage and come out here. P.A.: Qantas flight 793 to Adelaide is now boarding out of gate 4. (PHONE BUZZES, PLAYS 'LA BAMBA') Para bailar La Bamba se necesita un poquito de gracia Un poquito de gracia y otra cosita Y arriba, y arriba Y arriba, y arriba por ti ser Por ti ser, por ti ser... (PHONE RINGS OFF) Para bailar La Bamba Para bailar La Bamba se necesita un poquito de gracia Un poquito de gracia y otra cosita - Y arriba, y arri... - (PHONE STOPS) (GROANS) Jesus Christ! Para bailar La Bamba... - (ALL GROAN) - Oh, come on! WOMAN: Oh, whoever that is, will you just turn off your damn phone or answer the call? - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - MAN: You tell 'em, lass! Cruella! Fred! What are you doing here? You're getting married tomorrow. Yeah, well, not anymore. What do you mean? She called it off. That's her on the phone, isn't it? Hmm? Maybe. She wants you back. Well, it's too late! No, it isn't! G...get off me! I didn't come all this way and do all that work just to see you chicken out 'cause you're scared you're marrying out of your bloody league! Security! Harassment! That is my testicle! Get off me! I don't want your bloody testicle! ('LA BAMBA' CONTINUES) MAN: (LAUGHS) Thank you! (ANSWERS PHONE) - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Don't! Don't! LAUREN: Ned, you there? Ned? If you're listening...um... ..I-I left my toothbrush in Dad's car, so... Look, Ned. I was wrong not to bring you here with me so that we could meet my family together. Without you, I wouldn't even be here. I learnt the Tiwi word for 'hello' and the word for 'crocodile' - yirrikipai. And I learnt the word for...'husband'. And, Ned... ..I want you to be my ngyiya-purnayi. (CHUCKLES) Look, I'll probably send you crazy with my bloody indecisiveness, but if that's what you meant by boxes of fairy floss, then... I still want to marry you! - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Good lad! Is that what you're asking? Yes, that's what I'm asking you. I met my grandparents! They're still alive! Grandpa's the sweetest, and Grandma, well... ..she thinks I'm still Mum, but... And how is your mum? We had one conversation. All I know is that I want to marry you. Me too. Oh, but there is one little proposal disclaimer. Yes? We have to get married on Tiwi. - Tiwi? - Yeah. - Tomorrow? - Yep. Shouldn't be a problem. Uh, look, um, I-I'll call you as soon as I get back to the house, OK? OK. Love you. (LAUGHS) I love you too. Thanks. Oh, and tell everyone it's a dry wedding. - S-sorry, did you just... - (HANGS UP) Dry. Uh... Hey, Cruella! I...I mean Ms Hampton. - Where are you going? - I have to get back. But the wedding's back on. Well, you look after her, OK? Because she is a special one. No, no, you have to be at the wedding. Why? You've always made it obvious you don't even like me. That's not...true. It's... Look, the girls told me what you've done. How you've managed the team and... ..got Trevor out the pantry. You're part of the family now. You have to be at the wedding. Wouldn't be the same without you. (UKULELE MUSIC) (TRADITIONAL TIWI SONG PLAYS) FOXXY: Right there, please, bub. Thank you. Now it's time to get Foxxed. (LAUREN LAUGHS) Is that my necklace there? You two have no shame helping yourself to that jewellery. (MUSIC CONTINUES) Mum kept this for me after all these years. This was yours? I hope that cake doesn't melt. Everything melts here, Auntie. Yeah, the only reason I go to weddings is for the free booze! It's about love. Yeah. The love of champagne. Here-la! She looks deadly. Well, she's OK. NED: Trevor, the ferry! ('IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW' PLAYS) (GROANS) You're not going in there! - If you leave me now.. - Not today! You'll take away the biggest part of me... (GROWLS) Ooh... You... ..bastard! - We're gonna miss the ferry! - I'm not going! - Yes, you are! - No! - They don't want me there! - I don't care! Everyone there will hate me! Ruin this day and Lauren will hate you too! Is that what you want?! Arggh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - You're bleeding. - Oh, yeah, yeah! - Oh, arggh! - Let me get you a bandaid... No, leave it, leave it, leave it! (WHINES) Real men walk through glass. - (WHIMPERS) - Ohh! I don't know if Lauren told you, but... ..my dad died about six years ago. He, uh... He was... He was walking home from the office late one night, j... Some random guy fell asleep behind the wheel and... ..and that was it. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have him up here meeting you lot. He would have loved the Territory. My dad can't be at this wedding. But Lauren's dad can. Alright, I'll... ..I'll bloody do it. - Shit! - Yeah? Really? You get me shoes, I'll get the glass out of me foot. (GROANS) Ohh! - Yippee-ki-yay, mother... - (BARKS) Good dog. Oh! Arggh! We've missed the ferry. Then we'll take The Bomber. (QUIET CONVERSATION) Hi. Hey! - Good morning. - Good morning. Oy! (SIGHS NERVOUSLY) He'll be here. Um... Maybe just give him a couple of minutes. 10/1 this isn't happening. Stop doing that! You're making everyone nervous. He's two hours late and I'm the one making them nervous? It's fine. Anyone got any jokes? Mmm, yeah. (CHER BARKS) RONELLE: They made it! Here we go. DAFFY: Here, boy! Here, boy! Here, boy! - Come on! - (WHINES) Good boy. Good boy. - Go on, then, hurry up. - Hello, Mum. They're here! They made it! Thank you. About time! (LAUGHS) Oh! - You're late. - Terribly sorry. There we go. You look great. Hey, you mob. - Sorry I'm late. Sorry. - (ALL GREET HIM) Dad would have loved this. Nice beard. You like it? Come on, now. Yeah. LAUREN: Oi, you mob. I got a bloke to marry. You good? Yeah. We're good. (UKULELE MUSIC) (WOMEN SING TRADITIONAL TIWI SONG) (LAUGHS) Awana. (PRIEST SPEAKS TIWI) We made it! - Thank Christ! - Wow. - Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. - (LAUGHTER) I think I want to be a chef. - I could be married to a chef. - Yeah? But to be married to a chef, I have to get married first. - Right. Yeah. - (LAUGHS) Let's do this like a boss. Hey, not yet. Hey, whoa! (LAUGHTER) - Shame job. - Shit! - Sorry! Again, sorry. - (LAUGHTER) Couldn't help myself. ALL: Kuwa. ..for Lauren and Ned. And what better place to start that sharing journey than right here on Tiwi land? On country. So...let's get these fellas married up. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes! (TRADITIONAL TIWI SONG PLAYS) (WOMEN SING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you! (TRADITIONAL TIWI SONG PLAYS) SONG: Something inside sayin' don't you worry It's all in good time, no need to hurry So don't you worry, baby Don't you worry, baby Don't you worry, baby We're on the train now Here on the track, the diesel's humming You gotta watch out You gotta know the beat you're drumming Didn't you know? Didn't you know now? Oh, oh, oh All of the diamonds All of the diamonds in your pocket Didn't you know now? They're all for you, baby They're all for you Oh, oh, oh So don't you worry, baby Don't you worry, baby Something inside sayin' don't you worry It's all in good time, no need to hurry So don't you worry, baby Don't you worry, baby Don't you worry, baby Hey, hey Back on the track now Every day is a silver dollar Didn't you know now? It ain't about what's in your wallet Didn't you know? Didn't you know, child? Oh, oh, oh All of the diamonds All of the diamonds in your pocket Didn't you know now? They're all for you, baby They're all for you, baby Oh, oh, oh So don't you worry, baby Don't you worry, baby Something inside sayin' don't you worry It's all in good time, no need to hurry So don't you worry, baby Don't you worry, baby Don't you worry, baby Oh, oh, oh Don't you worry So don't give up on me now, baby Don't give up, don't-don't give up Don't give up on me now, baby Don't give up, don't-don't give up Don't give up on me now, baby Don't give up, don't-don't give up Don't give up on me now, baby Don't give up, don't-don't give up Don't give up on me now, baby Don't give up, don't-don't give up Don't give up on me now, baby Don't give up I got you, baby Something inside sayin' don't you worry I got you, baby All in good time, no need to hurry So don't you worry, baby Don't you worry I got you, baby Don't you worry I got you, baby No need to hurry So don't you worry, baby Don't you worry I got you, baby It's all in good time No need to hurry So don't you worry, baby Don't you worry I got you, baby Don't you worry I got you, baby No need to hurry I got you, baby So So don't you worry I got you, baby All of the time No need to hurry... (BAND SINGS IN TIWI) |
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