1
(VIDEO CRACKLING)
NARRATOR: Have you
ever bought or rented
a videotape that wasn't quite right?
(GRUNTING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(FLUTE MUSIC)
(DOLPHIN SQUEAKING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
(SPLATTERING)
(UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC)
Yeah!
Yeah!
- Top Knot Detective...
- Top Knot?
Top Knot Detective!
Oh, my God, I haven't thought
about that show in forever!
Is that that guy with that weird hairdo?
DES: Hello, I'm Des Mangan.
You might remember me as the writer of
the timeless Australian
classic, Hercules Returns.
MAN: Lower your nipples!
DES: Or from when I
used to have more hair.
Anyway, back then I
was introducing obscure
foreign cult films on television.
Which is how I was first
introduced to a bizarre
Japanese samurai drama
titled, Top Knot Detective.
My parents used to
watch it when I was young.
On SBS, I would have been a kid.
'94, I think?
In Japan it was originally called...
Ronin Suiri Tentai
Which is, roughly,
"Deductive Reasoning Ronin",
or, more literally,
Detective Detective Ronin.
DES: Never heard of it?
Well, that's not a surprise.
See, after just over a year on television
the show completely disappeared,
but not before becoming an
Australian cult classic.
They've never released the masters.
It was shown on Australian
television once.
Every copy is just taped from that.
Deductive reasoning!
BOTH: Deductive reasoning!
ALL: Deductive reasoning!
ROBOT: Deductive reasoning!
DES: It's hard to describe such
a ludicrously over-the-top
show such as this one.
It was hilarious!
Man, it was awful.
It's my favorite show ever!
It was a rip-off of every
samurai movie I've ever seen.
Lots of violence.
And then he was like... (YELLING)
(YELLING)
WOMAN: Ninjas.
(SCREAMING)
A few gadgets going on.
They were definitely budget.
Oh my god, I'm invisible!
This is all down to the
madness and the genius
of the show's creator, writer, director,
producer and star, Takashi Takamoto.
Look... I live for myself
and answer to nobody.
You can kind of look at him as
the Ed Wood of Japanese samurai TV.
And that's a compliment.
It came from my genius brain.
It was very hard to work with Takashi,
both on and off set.
Takashi was very unique,
as a writer and as a director.
Now let's get you back to your mother!
(BABY GIGGLING)
(WHOOSHING)
No, he was insane.
He would just load his
scenes with go-go dancers.
DES: He was a horrible human being.
He always liked to stand out.
In the end, he took everything
I loved away from me.
DES: While many loyal fans know
of Sheimasu Tantei's
twisted quest for revenge,
few knew that behind the scenes lay, well,
("BODY FOUND!")
another twisted quest for
revenge that all began
with the show's creator, Takashi Takamoto.
So let's start, shall we?
Right back at the very beginning.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
"The Lonely Path of Reasoning"
"Ronin Suiri Tantei" was
Takashi's original creation.
He was an incredibly
interesting individual.
(LADY GASPING)
(GASPING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I have deduced that my master
was murdered!
No, Sheimasu!
It was... suicide.
(FUNKY 60'S MUSIC)
No...
He never told me much about himself,
he was very secretive.
Takashi once told me that, apparently,
he used to own a karaoke bar in Golden Gai
He told me once that he ran a
vintage clothing store in Harajuku.
Which explained a lot
about his dress sense.
(JAPANESE POP SONG)
DES: Takashi Takamoto,
by all verifiable accounts,
never had any formal
training on how to make films
or television, let alone
basic acting lessons.
Though, in the beginning,
the earliest accounts
of him popping onto the scene
were linked to his music.
Sutaffu ran a record label that
Takashi was already under contract with.
Most of his songs were jingles
for Sutaffu products.
DES: The giant multinational, Sutaffu,
is one of the oldest family
owned companies in Japan,
tracing their lineage back
to the Meiji Restoration.
They were famous for making cheap
knock-offs of well known brands.
We make electronics and
sporting merchandise.
We own baseball and soccer teams
in the J-League...
Jewelry, watches, video
games and action figures.
(DOLPHIN SQUEAKING)
...perfume, chocolate...
Ahhh... I love Sutaffu chocolate.
It's the best chocolate, I always eat it.
How do I put this?
We certainly make a lot of "Stuff-u"
Sutaffu, yeah!
DES: In the late 80's, after
decades of economic growth,
Sutaffu decided to get into
the television business.
They needed someone to helm
their new flagship series
and turned to their
number one selling idol.
He wasn't available, so they
turned to Takashi Takamoto.
Much to everyone's
surprise, he had a script.
(SOBBING)
Sheimasu!
Come here...
The murderer is...
The murderer!
I was murdered by the Police Commissioner,
Kurosaki!
And I just let him walk out of here.
Ahhh... You must...
I will renounce being an officer of
the law and I will become a Ronin!
I will become a RONIN!
(SPLATTERING)
Takashi pitched us the show as a mix between
a jidaigeki drama and a super-spy mystery.
Made on a very reasonable budget
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
Stop, pervert!
Oh no, you... you're the great...
Detective Sheimasu!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Now I will take your thieving eyes!
Take that!
(SCREAMING)
He had tremendous talent.
DES: Takashi had less than
a week to deliver each episode.
But, as bizarre as the show
would eventually become...
(GIRL CRYING)
GOOSE!
DES: It started off
pretty straightforward.
Sheimasu, a Ronin,
wanders from town to town
solving murders and the
odd case of corruption.
(LAUGHING)
All the while seeking revenge
against his arch-nemesis,
Kurosaki, for the murder of his master.
Oh, and walking.
Lots and lots and lots of walking.
Plus, this thing.
(RAUCOUS MUSIC)
It was about walking your own path.
Choosing your own destiny.
And this escapist cinema
became all the rage.
(SLICING)
The show was a massive hit
for audiences of all ages
and propelled Takashi into super-stardom.
No matter what he wrote, he had to make it
broad enough to appeal to twelve year olds.
(PUNCHING)
(SCREAMING)
I think we accomplished that.
What I created, and I think you'll agree,
is the greatest TV series in all of Japan.
We're making global cinema history.
He insisted on doing everything himself.
The writing and the editing.
Editing, editing, yes, yes...
We shot lots of scenes, so we need to
combine them into one great thing.
Well, it appears that this case...
is solved!
What should we...
Now it's karaoke time!
(FUNKY MUSIC)
DES: The bad guys weren't just limited
to Kurosaki and his ninja.
Takashi would use whatever
was popular at the time.
(CRASHING)
Giant robots.
(ZAPPING)
Amazonian cannibal lesbians.
Oh! Sheimasu, you must...
(SCREAMING)
DES: And, of course... (slithering)
(SCREAMING)
(SPLASHING)
Sheimasu...
you're so brave and virile, and-
This is true, Saku.
For a lady, you are very wise!
But, no time for sexy dances!
Take me to where Kurosaki is...
...right now!
(LAUGHING)
(SLAPPING)
Kurosaki is at the imperial
castle. Be careful.
I'm always careful!
Deductive reasoning!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I'm coming for you,
Kurosaki Itto!
Oh, you can come, Detective Sheimasu!
(LAUGHING EVILLY)
You can come all you want!
I'll be forever waiting...
...waiting for you to come!
I was cast to play the main
villain, Kurosaki Itto.
However, I originally auditioned
for the role of Sheimasu.
...thy seasick, weary bark.
Here's to you my love!
CUT!
When I couldn't find the
right actor for the hero
I knew that only I could play
the lead role.
(WOOF, WOOF, WOOF, WOOF)
That's a good question.
What do you think, Haruto?
He asked for you to tell us how you
approach your character of Kurosaki.
He's very frightening.
Before he became a stereotypical villain
Kurosaki had much more depth
and complexity to his character.
Err... I look at him as the
hero of his own story.
I might not agree with his actions,
but I try to understand him.
See acting, to me, is about-
HARUTO!
As an actor, I was better than
him, and he didn't like it.
But... in the beginning,
we were good friends.
Your training is finally coming to an end.
Now the final task is at hand!
(CLAPPING)
Be brave, young lord.
Whoever gifts the emperor with a painless,
honourable death
wins this delicious ice cream!
You can do it before they do.
(SLICING)
(SCREAMING)
(SQUISHING)
(SPLATTERING)
- Friends forever!
- Friends forever!
(SOBBING)
You two boys were the best of friends.
Now... you're mortal enemies?
All because he killed your master
with a thousand swords?
You must be thirsty!
(GULPING)
Sutaffu beer is the best beer!
Cheers!
Haruto, your father is the CEO
of Sutaffu, correct?
Yes. That's correct.
When I was a kid, my father used to
take me to the TV studios.
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)
"A woman!"
It was a happy time. Acting was
something I had always wanted to do.
(ELECTRIC ZAPPING)
"PACHINKO!"
In many ways it was quality time that
I could spend with my father.
My father put me in the
company's commercials
and I became the face of Sutaffu.
He was very strict but
he was a good father.
He built up Sutaffu into what it is today.
Everyone looked up to him,
and of course, so did I-
That's enough about you!
"Ronin Suiri Tantei"
is my Julius Caeser!
I'm Shakespeare. Shakespeare!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Now, let's see you defeat my
robo-ninja, Sheimasu!
I've fought greater numbers...
and survived.
So be it!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(MEN GRUNTING)
(SPLATTERING)
(SWORDS CLANGING)
(CRASHING)
This show is like my own child.
I put all of myself into the role.
All of me.
I even do my own stunts.
- You do your own stunts?
- Yes, I do them all.
Takashi asked me to do some
"minor" stunt work for him.
He couldn't swing a sword and act
at the same time.
He was dangerous with the swords.
He would always end up hurting someone
in the fight scenes.
(SWORDS CLANGING)
(GRUNTING)
(SPLATTERING)
I thought that he was taking most of the credit
for things he couldn't really accomplish himself.
I felt used, to be honest.
DES: Some of the
rumors of what happened
on set range from the bizarre
to the horrifying.
Takashi was an alcoholic, a gambler,
("TV STAR IN TROUBLE")
a serial Pachinko player who owed money
all over town, even to the Yakuza,
but that was just the
start of his addictions.
He had many addictions that would
swallow him up whole.
He had a dark side to his personality.
I witnessed this first hand.
I know that he was a very troubled
individual.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
I'm going to punish you for
what you did to our master.
That old man?
I told you before; it was suicide.
Liar!
Master told me himself that you
are the murderer.
What else did he tell you?
That you're a fool, and the
laughing stock of this police force?
That's not true!
Oh, but Sheimasu
don't you remember?
(STICKS BANGING)
Why can't I get my grip right?
Oh, my best friend, don't worry.
You'll soon grow to become as
good a fighter as me,
but you must keep training.
How did you get that strong?
It was foretold to my mother,
many moons ago...
(WOMAN GRUNTING)
It appears that you are indeed...
pregnant.
Tell me something I don't know!
Your son will rise up to become
the chief of the Edo police force.
You will name him: Kurosaki.
He will have but one great friend.
Huh?
Furthermore...
(SQUIRTING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Oh... It's coming, it's coming!
But, how did I get pregnant?
Victory!
(SEXY MUSIC)
What have you done to me?
My backstory is a long
and complicated one...
It begins, many moons ago, in a
place far from here. Let me show you!
and that's why I hate you!
(GRUNTING)
(SWORDS CLANGING)
Enough!
I am now a ronin!
You would betray the shogunate?
Very well.
You want to live by the sword
then you can DIE by it!
DES: Takashi's
explosive on set behavior
was becoming the stuff of tabloid legend.
Sutaffu spun the press in their favor
and labeled him a bad boy.
I just assumed that he came
from a wealthy background
because he always acted so spoiled.
It's one of the greatest
productions of our time.
No expense has been spared.
Look at my silk underwear!
You love it, don't you?
Wherever he went, he needed
to be the centre of attention.
(RAUCOUS MUSIC)
You'd always see him out at every event,
always dancing with his fans.
Sutaffu spent a lot of money
on Takashi's public image.
They threw parties for him to be
seen at and to meet potential investors,
everyone loved his outlandish behaviour.
The press loved him too.
They chased him around.
The paparazzi were always around Takashi.
Everyone wanted to know more about him,
they couldn't get enough.
DES: He tried so desperately to live
the party lifestyle like his heroes,
Steve McQueen and Roger Moore before him,
Takashi aspired to be larger than life.
Think, Errol Flynn, without nearly
as many STD's and far less talented.
So when the show reached
higher points of fame,
Takashi strived to reach
higher points of infamy.
His bad boy persona was proving
lucrative for the company.
They protected him no matter what his
on and off set antics were like.
Most of the proper ladies on set
stopped going to Takashi's parties.
He would regularly mingle with
known gangsters.
Then again... back then, we all did.
They wanted to be seen with Takashi.
I didn't want to be part of that.
The first time he was arrested,
we thought the show would be over.
Instead...
his popularity grew even more!
It was a mystery.
I really didn't see
what the attraction was.
(SQUISHING)
(SCREAMING)
Argh! That was my good eye!
Now, you will finally SEE justice!
SEE. MY. FIST!
(THUDDING)
(SCREAMING)
Kurosaki Itto!
I will have my justice!
(WIND HOWLING)
(SOMBER MUSIC)
"Sirens of the Sand"
(WHOOSHING)
You're looking a little hot!
(SCREAMING)
(FIRE CRACKLING)
(GURGLING)
(GROANING)
Sheimasu...
Come to us... We're naked!
Touch us.. You are very attractive..
We are naked ladies of the sand...
This is just a suggestion.. but... maybe..
You could come into this tent...
Are you a mirage?
Maybe you're the mirage...
mirage... mirage...
MAGIC!
Takashi had relations with a
large percentage of the crew.
Including the men.
Oh... though, not with me.
(DRUMS BEATING)
He showed no respect to women,
no regard to anyone but himself.
Izumi and Takashi were rivals from
the very start.
He was awful
just impossible to work with.
(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
He really did think he was a lady's man.
He was sexist, incompetent,
narcissistic,
just the worst kind of man.
I thought he was very progressive.
AWESOME!
After nine episodes... I'd had enough.
Sheimasu, we meet again...
What the fu...
Is that the best you've got?
You'll never get away with this, Saku!
Oh... but I already have.
(LAUGHS)
Needless to say, by that afternoon,
they had already arranged a replacement.
The following is a paid
presentation for Sutaffu.
(MEOWING)
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)
"CAT TALK"
Welcome back!
(CLAPPING)
Our first guest today is from the
pop-idol group: "Shlam!"
Please welcome: Miss Mia Matsumoto!
Thank you so much.
The new single is from your second
album called: "You've Got Me", correct?
That's right.
Let's have a look at the music clip
for that now.
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)
Mia Matsumoto was a model and
aspiring J-Pop Star.
DES: Mia Matsumoto was a
model and aspiring J pop star.
She was part of a pop group called Shlam!
They were the newest addition
to Sutaffu's record label.
Shlam!
Shlam!
Shlam!
- Shlam!
- Oh, my God!
Shlam, well, you know,
I guess they could dance.
Hey ho, let's go
Hey ho, let's go
you got me got me,
kiss kiss, lucky lucky
Mia!
Err... Yes?
You should come and be on our show.
You would enjoy it a
lot more than singing.
- Err... No... I don't think I...
- You can't just offer her a role on the show...
It's my show. I can do whatever I like!
DES: Keen to repeat the magic
of Takashi's crossover success
from music to television,
Mia was a natural fit for the company,
and ultimately, the show.
She was smart, beautiful,
and above all, very passionate.
The show's fanbase was captivated by her.
She became a real fan favorite.
She still does conventions today.
She's one of the best actresses
I've ever seen in my life.
I have a Saku doll and
I put it up on my side
and I pretend that I'm Sheimasu-
That's why there is so much dancing.
Women love dancing.
They love dancing with me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(BAWDY MUSIC)
(GASPING)
Oh Sheimasu! What are you doing?
What are you doing to me?
Oh Sheimasu! You're awesome!
DES: Infatuated with
his talented new costar,
Takashi rewrote the character of Saku,
transforming her from a classic,
conniving henchman, into
a complex, sexy ninja,
torn between her lord and her love.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
This should be enough to take
care of our little problem.
It will not be a problem.
Leave it to me.
Keep an eye on Sheimasu.
He's far more dangerous...
...then you could imagine.
(LAUGHING EVILLY)
(SEXY MUSIC)
Young boys and girls loved her.
The ratings jumped through the roof
the moment she signed on.
Takashi was a lot of fun on set,
he always made me laugh.
We were always joking around.
Everyday I think we
grew closer and closer.
He'd even ask me to come up with
some of my own scenes and lines
which was unusual at the time.
Body Swap?!
Not again!
Stop it you pervert!
There is a lot of sexist corruption
in our society.
Women need a voice on the world stage.
What better voice than mine?
I never let him talk down to me.
("HE'S A GOOD GUY!")
I never let him talk down to me.
I don't respect people like that
and I told him up front.
I think that was a shock to him.
When he met Mia, his mood softened.
He became more focused.
A new man.
DES: Ever the ruthless opportunist,
Moritaro Kioke began to
ramp up the branded content
within the show to cash
in on the undeniable
selling power of both Mia and Takashi.
But, it was Takashi, in particular,
who was proving to be a hit and quickly
became the new face of Sutaffu.
He was everywhere you looked.
His face sold a lot of crappy products.
If the company found value in
something or someone
they would exploit it.
Chairman Koike put the company
and its profits first
to the exclusion of all others,
even his family.
(PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(THUDDING)
Do you know what smoking...
Hey, what do you think you're-
...can do to you?
You can die of black lung.
Hey, what do you think you're-
Mouth illness and exploding eyes!
Hey, what do you-
In Japan...
Hey, what do you think you're-
...it's illegal for someone...
...under twenty years of
age to smoke cigarettes!
But...
If you are over 20 years old, then why not
enjoy the super smooth, refreshing taste of:
Sutaffu Menthol Cigarettes.
The Best Cigarettes.
With no side effects!
SUTAFFU SUPER SMOOTH!
SYMPTOMS
(VARIOUS LIFE THREATENING SYMPTOMS)
Takashi hated doing the commercials.
He thought they were taking
The focus away from his stories
and becoming more important
than the show itself.
That wasn't easy.
Lucky I was wearing my:
SUTAFFU POMP SHOES!
(SPLATTING)
(SCREAMING)
I was under a very strict
contractual policy,
and I'm sure Takashi was
under similar restraints.
TAKASHI: Sutaffu Whale Meat!
TAKASHI: Ahhh... Go fuck yourself!
LEIJI: Cut!
TAKASHI: Why did you tell me to "cut"?
No one tells me to cut!
He also tried to slyly write stories about
his working relationship with the company.
He was either quite brave to stand up
to them, or quite stupid.
I am the Demon Badger
Merchant King: Mujina!
You'll fall into line, Sheimasu!
It's just business!
- Fly my greedy mammals!
- Death to the proletariate!
Your little mammals are no match for...
Deductive Reasoning!
Super Strike!
Nooooooooooo!
Hooray!
Hooray!
Hooray!
The bourgeoise will never die!
Towards the end of the first season,
we were under incredible pressure.
Takashi would take the footage
home and edit all night
before returning to set: exhausted.
His gambling and drinking were
out of control,
leaving little time for scriptwriting.
The stories became more outlandish
and, in turn, the budgets blew out.
Takashi pleaded for more money
from Chairman Koike
which wasn't the easiest if you
knew Moritaro Koike.
He would argue with everyone.
Of course with myself, but also
with my father.
He was always picking fights with
the cast and crew
especially Haruto.
Those two hated each other.
Takashi's personal demons were
spilling into his work
and it began to take its toll.
Yes... the demons, well...
demons plague my spirit.
Even the penis monster?
Especially the penis monster.
("MONSTER PENIS!")
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
We all saw the signs,
but chose to ignore them.
I chose to ignore them.
That's when everything started
to spiral out of control.
Cat. Cat. Cat. Cat.
After he turned to the drugs he became
more easily irritated and hostile.
Little cats!
Little cats!
("HE LOVES CATS!")
They're down here as well!
His behaviour was becoming
more erratic by the day.
He became two separate people sometimes,
even I wouldn't know who I was talking to.
Takashi could be quite scary at times.
I'll fucking kill you!
He kept a lot of Sheimasu alive
in public,
But when we were alone, in private...
...he was very kind.
He was - Takashi.
I was wrong to follow
Kurosaki's wicked ways.
Saku.
Come with me on this journey for justice.
I can't.
You - you and I are bound by a
fate so cruel... Sheimasu.
He will kill me if I try to help you.
You must! Only together can we defeat him.
I can't.
But know this...
Kurosaki is planning something evil.
Only you can stop him for good.
I'm too weak.
Because you're a woman,
I understand... Fear not!
Sheimasu!
Good luck!
Good luck!
You're going to need it.
Good luck!
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!
The relationship between
them was intensifying.
They would disappear for days at a time,
it was a huge inconvenience for us all.
Tell me where to find Saku!
I'll never tell you!
She's up the staircase, to the left.
I'm in quite a lot of pain.
Hello?
A little help please!
Is... is anyone there?
Where'd you go?
Hey! Are you coming back?
(THUDDING)
(SCREAMING)
("EXCLUSIVE! - FORBIDDEN ROMANCE!")
We did our very best to keep
the relationship a secret.
Everyone at the company
knew about the relationship.
Both Chairman Koike and
his son Haruto, had warned him,
but Takashi could never
keep anything a secret.
So when the press found out,
they weren't too kind to Miss Matsumoto.
The photos were published
in "Thursday Magazine"
I saw the same pictures every day,
reprinted in other tabloids
and in newspapers.
If you think Western pop
stars are getting exploited,
then J pop stars are
getting completely fucked.
They are contractually not allowed
to have relationships
with people because if
you're not available then
you're not marketable.
(GRUNTING)
(SLICING)
(MAN SCREAMING)
Sutaffu needed to throw
somebody to the wolves.
(MAN SCREAMING)
(THUDDING)
(EVIL LAUGHING)
(BLOOD SPRAYING)
Something had to be done.
So when the photos that were linked
to the scandal were released,
that was the opportunity my father saw
to reel Takashi back into line.
That evening, my father
called the press conference.
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
Due to my careless behaviour
I have caused tremendous trouble f
or all of my employers at Sutaffu.
To all of the fans that have
supported me up until now:
My father.
My mother.
My friends.
It was my...
...my selfish behaviour...
I am truly sorry.
SAKU!!
Please forgive me.
That was my last performance.
I was exiled from celebrity.
My dream, my name, my career.
It all ended.
Her forced departure angered
Takashi immensely.
I feel sorry for her.
Takashi destroyed everything he touched.
He had that effect on people.
This is just my opinion, but...
...I think he used her.
With the tabloid scandal
and the removal of Miss Matsumoto
the ratings started to slip, dramatically.
Chairman Koike was furious with his son.
Haruto was the one responsible for leaking
the photos of Mia to "Thursday Magazine".
He'll tell you otherwise,
but that is the truth.
I was told by Sutaffu to not have any
further contact with Takashi.
I will avenge you, Saku.
DES: When the scandal died down
it was clear that no amount of money
or spin could save the show this time.
Without Mia by his side, and furious
at the company for meddling with his work,
Takashi walked away from the
production, indefinitely.
It was my show.
I did everything: the writing,
the directing, editing, acting,
all the stunts - every single one!
All mine.
I'm irreplaceable.
DES: Takashi had cost
Sutaffu a small fortune
and in the months following his departure
Moritaro Kioke, having put all of his eggs
in the Top Knot basket,
needed a new cash cow.
A brand new show with a brand new hero.
So, for a reasonable
fee, the company acquired
the rights to a cheap
Chinese Super Sentai ripoff.
(WHOOSHING)
ANNOUNCER: Kenji Nomo was
the greatest baseball
player in all of Japan.
Go Kenji, go!
ANNOUNCER: Until aliens
from the Negazone Empire
attacked and killed his
favorite girlfriend.
(GROANING) Yumi!
I will rebuild him!
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)
ANNOUNCER: He became the TimeStryker!
defender of the universe and
interdimensional time traveler!
TimeStryker
(GUN FIRING)
(BULLETS PINGING)
TIMESTRYKER: Hot diggety,
the answer is Tuesday!
(EXPLODING)
(EXPLODING)
That show is for babies!
It has no substance.
What's it about, huh?
If you mess with time then
bad things will happen to you?
INTERVIEWER: Yes.
(TAKASHI LAUGHS) Babies!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(WOLF HOWLS)
(WHOOSHING)
WOLF: You saucy little crumpet!
Come here, you dirty cow!
(SCREAMING)
(ELECTRIC ZAPPING)
WOLF THE RIPPER: Huh? Caw blimey!
We meet again... Wolf the Ripper!
WOLF THE RIPPER: You what?
(GRUNTING)
Where'd he go?
- TIMESTRYKER: What time is it, Yumi?
- YUMI THE BAT: It's time to strike, my love!
TIMESTRYKER: Batter up!
WOLF: What the dickens?
(GROANING)
(THUDDING)
(DINOSAUR ROARING)
Timestryker was extremely popular,
even more so than Sheimasu.
DES: But, popularity isn't everything.
Without Takashi's tabloid
infamy, the TimeStryker struggled
to increase Sutaffu's product sales.
(DRAMATIC UPBEAT MUSIC)
YUMI: What can we buy, my love?
TIMESTRYKER: Anything...
with SUTAFFU CREDI NUMBER ONE!
Even if the money ran out,
and the women all disappeared,
I could not force myself to go back
to that artistic cesspool.
DES: So, when the money ran out
and the women lost interest,
Takashi went back to
Moritaro with his tail
between his legs begging
for a second chance
at resurrecting Ronin Suirai Tantei.
Having a soft spot for
Takashi's unique selling power,
Moritaro agreed, on one condition.
The case of the missing bat?
I accept!
Super Handshake!
(UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC)
DES: Takashi's guest appearance
was a resounding success.
Moritaro and Takashi
immediately began development
on a crossover series, a
darker, post-apocalyptic
samurai tale which focused
heavily on time travel.
It was creatively titled,
Ronin Suirai Tantei X.
The original cast and crew
were all back together,
but not everyone was happy
with their respective roles.
Detective Sheimasu!
I will wipe you from history,
like a bowel movement.
Haruto was sick and tired
of working on the show,
he was continually being overlooked.
I didn't want to keep acting but...
...this was something
my father insisted upon.
(SWORDS CLANGING)
(MEN GRUNTING)
That rich daddy's boy
he wishes he could be me.
One day he could become
as good an actor as I am
but for now, he should try harder.
DES: Takashi was finally back on top.
Not one for sharing the spotlight,
he became increasingly frustrated at being
branded the co-star
of his own production.
Takashi was more concerned that the character
of Sheimasu was being replaced by Timestryker.
He became increasingly paranoid.
He thought the show
was being taken away from him.
YUMI: Kenji! Look out!
(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
(LLAMA GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(SPLATTING)
Detective Sheimasu! I will destroy you!
TIMESTRYKER: Come to me, my love!
YUMI: You could do this the whole time?
TIMESTRYKER: Not now, Yumi!
YUMI: Where do we send him?
TIMESTRYKER: To the apocalypse!
YUMI: Batter up!
TIMESTRYKER: DEDUCTIVE
REASONING - STRIKE!
(EXPLODING)
(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)
DES: As shooting kicked off
in the summer of 1992, tragedy struck.
(BELL DINGING)
Japan's economic bubble finally burst.
The markets spiralled into freefall.
Sutaffu's stocks plummeted and the company
was hemorrhaging money
with each passing day.
But, this was the least of their problems.
In all my years as a detective,
and I've been doing this for 40 years now.
This particular crime was the strangest.
My father would always go on business
trips without informing his staff
at first, there was nothing strange
about the whole incident but,
after two weeks, the
executives started to worry.
On the morning of the
eight of August, 1992,
a local fisherman had discovered, what he believed
was just another illegal dumping in the river.
A suitcase.
The victim was cut into sections, these pieces were
then wrapped in plastic bags for easier storage.
In one of the bags we found the head.
That's when we confirmed
that the victim was indeed:
Moritaro Koike.
I'm sorry.
Obviously, it was a crime of passion.
It was a cold and calculated murder.
The evidence pointed towards the crime
taking place in the Chairman's office.
We uncovered the weapon that killed him,
hidden in one of the air vents.
Mister Takamoto then became
the key suspect in the case.
TAKASHI: Moritaro is a fool, he thinks
this other guy is going to take my place?
This is my show!
If he were here right now,
I'd choke him to death!
How dare he call my writing childish!
It was an explosive allegation to suggest
that Takashi had murdered Chairman Koike.
But the police apparently had evidence.
One blurry photograph?
This is the "evidence" they claim
would convict him?
Really?
We went to arrest Mister Takamoto
on charges of first degree murder but,
when we reached his residence,
he had vanished.
After I had heard about
Chairman Koike's murder
I was in shock, it was awful
and I had to let Takashi know.
So, I called him.
That was the last time I...
...I heard his voice.
It wasn't until sometime later that we
discovered he had used the costumes
from television storage to leave the
country disguised as a woman.
When I received the call from Mia, I knew
they would try to blame me... so I ran.
Nobody could help me anymore.
With Moritaro gone...
...my dream was over.
(SIREN BLARING)
(HARMONICA MUSIC)
So this is the rec
yard where the inmates
spend an hour outside every day.
He has a small group of friends
that he will bump around with out here.
But other than that he's
quiet and keeps to himself.
I fled Tokyo in full disguise, and the
first place I traveled to was South Korea.
Then I acquired another
fake passport and entered China.
I then went to the
Philippines to stay in Manila,
where I spent my money on
cheap drugs and cheaper sex.
Ecstasy! I also tried that there.
(LAUGHING)
TIMESTRYKER: Now name your wish,
Sheimasu, and I will grant it!
I wish to travel back in time...
...to stop my beloved
master from being murder...
After five years away, and having spent
all of my money on hookers and drugs,
I fell into massive debt and
needed another passport.
That's when the opportunity arose
to travel to Australia.
(AIRPLANE WHOOSHING)
Our top story tonight; dramatic scenes
at Sydney airport where a drug smuggler
has been detained with a large
quantity of amphetamines.
Lauren Brunswick files this story.
(SCREAMING)
He touched my penis!
They couldn't deport me
even if they wanted to.
I never gave them my real name
and thanks to the fake passport,
they didn't know who I really was.
He's pretty weird.
I guess you could say he's honorable.
I don't even understand him
half the time when he speaks.
A little Chinese or something,
I don't know what he's saying these days,
but, you know, but
that's alright, I guess.
He seems like a nice guy to me.
It was much better to stay here, than to get
deported and face the legal system back in Japan.
TIMESTRYKER: Sheimasu! If you alter
the past in any way
you will cause a time
paradox in the future!
SHEIMASU: Got it.
YUMI: Be careful.
I understand, I will use:
DEDUCTIVE REASONING!
- TIMESTRYKER: Idiot!
- YUMI: Idiot!
Stop, pervert!
Oh no, you... you're the great
Detective Sheimasu!
MASTER: Soon my accomplice in crime,
Kuroaski Itto, will arrive
and together we will plot to take over
Edo with my clan of robo-ninja.
Hopefully my stupid fool of a pupil
doesn't find out...
Master! How could you?
You're the villainous mastermind?
Sheimasu?!
You were not meant to overhear my...
Plans! You conspired against the Shogunate
and the good people of Edo
all in the name of endless riches
and unlimited power,
all of which you...
...you planned to frame
me for in the future!
Err... and now...
And now! Sheimasu... you will DIE!?
Die... err... yes...
Never. NEVER!
DES: With his father's murder
and Sutaffu facing
imminent financial ruin,
Haruto Kioke, the first
of the family name,
immediately took over as
the new company chairman.
He then commenced an
aggressive restructure
of Sutaffu's commercial properties;
in particular, Ronin Suirai Tantei.
Haruto arrived on set and told us all that
we were no longer employees of Sutaffu.
We were to finish our work for the day and
take all of our personal belongings home.
The crew weren't even offered positions
on any future Sutaffu production.
Essentially, we were blacklisted.
How do I put this?
The decision was
completely out of my hands.
DES: Sutaffu immediately revoked
all international TV licenses,
recalled all of its
master tapes and took back
all of Takashi's
intellectual property rights.
The show effectively vanished overnight.
The decision to erase all of our archival
material was a personal one for Haruto.
He destroyed Takashi's legacy.
My father treated Takashi like a son.
I was the only son he ever needed.
Takashi was a coward.
True, we argued a lot.
But Moritoro said he always
respected men with ideas.
We had plans for three more
seasons, fifty episodes each.
It was a huge project.
We wanted to astound the audience.
Those were the stories we wanted to make.
(SCREAMS INCOHERENTLY)
I still haven't given up writing.
I occasionally put on plays
with the other inmates.
I wouldn't get up there and do that.
Whatever tickles his boat, you know?
Oh... Su-ta-ffu!
You have... destroyed... my... LIFE!
You... killed... my... CHILD!
I do what I can.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
He's alright, as long as he
doesn't fuck around with me.
He's not caused me any grief.
Or we can step out in
the yard and have a smash
if he wants to, I'm not really fazed.
I've seen a lot of nasty people
come through this prison over the years
and he just doesn't fit the bill.
Huh? Someone approaches!
I must go and hide.
The old fool killed himself?
No matter.
Now it is I who controls our syndicate of
robo-ninja and prostitute assassins.
I'm the killer?
Ah-hah!
I solved the case!
I don't think he's capable of murder.
He was...
...too much of a coward to be able
to do such a thing.
The police reports state that Chairman
Koike was murdered in his office,
and that someone "cleaned up" the crime.
Now, the Chairman was paranoid,
he had security cameras everywhere...
The security tapes revealed nothing
of importance.
There was no way that Takashi
could "cover his tracks".
The man was barely able to stand most days
let alone plan a complex crime!
His escape from Japan is evidence enough.
No.
He could never do such a thing.
He was an incredibly kind person and,
regardless of what anyone else says,
I know he didn't do it.
There is no way that Takashi would
murder Chairman Koike.
He wasn't that type of person.
INTERVIEWER: Is
there anyone else at all
who had access to the office,
the costumes or the weapons,
who would maybe want to hurt your father?
What do you think?
And I just let him walk out of here.
Err...
Alas myself, there is only space enough in
this timeline for one Sheimasu.
A detective so virile
and handsome as myself!
So now, for the both of us,
I will finally make Kurosaki see justice!
I understand.
You were always better than me.
Go to Kurosaki's homestead,
there you will find him.
Thanks, me.
DEDUCTIVE REASONING!
(SPLATTERING)
Oh, Chuwa...
...my beautiful daughter.
Come give me a hug.
Daddy!
Come to daddy.
Daddy!
Daaaaaaaaadddddyyyy!
Daddy loves little Chuwa, very much.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYY!
(SLICING)
(YELLING)
Oh, sweet child, I understand your tears.
The true folly of man is how justice
can be so easily corrupted.
Daddy?
Wake up!
He's finally dead!
He can no longer hear you.
My work here is done.
(ELECTRIC ZAPPING)
No, Sheimasu.
Not even you can be kept safe from:
THE FUTURE!
When you're in a place like this,
you lose who you are.
You become forgotten.
But, "Ronin Suiri Tantei"... that,
that's my legacy.
That story is my pride and joy.
I did anything to become famous,
to spread that joy to the people.
I've done many stupid things in my life
and I regret a lot of them.
But, I've never killed anyone.
I never killed anyone.
Sheimasu would never run from a fight.
He would always face his enemies.
That is how I want this
story to finally end so...
It's time to go home.
Coming up on world news;
extradition proceedings
have begun today for Takashi Takamoto.
The Japanese national who has come forward
to face charges in Tokyo
in one of the country's
most high profile unsolved murder cases.
Takamoto had been hiding
out in an Australian jail
under an assumed name
for the last 15 years.
Today: reports that the fugitive, Takashi Takamoto
has been found alive in an Australian jail...
...the suspected murderer of Sutaffu's
former Chairman, Moritaro Koike...
...however Mister Takamoto's
defense claims he is innocent...
...dramatic evidence was
delivered in court today...
...appealed to his fans to write to him
support letters, especially the young ladies.
Guilty.
He always wanted to
become "world famous" and,
in the end, he finally
got what he always wanted.
He always did.
Do you ever fear that your
fame might be slipping away from you?
What do you think is worse:
Being dead?
Or being forgotten?
December 9th, 2014 - Takashi Takamoto is
charged with first degree murder.
No legal appeals were
lodged against his sentence.
April 8th, 2015 - Takashi
is executed by hanging.
He was 54 years old.
I can't return to the past
and so I just try to hold on to
all of our fond memories
as I move into the future.
We had a very long friendship.
Err... I still think about him, a lot.
TRAVIS: Look, objectively it's a
terrible show.
The acting's really shitty.
The production base is subpar,
there's lots of continuity errors.
The whole thing doesn't make any sense,
but that's what's beautiful about it.
When you watch a lot of media,
watch a lot of movies and TV,
you get bored, you get jaded.
You're seeing the same
stuff over and over again
and you're praying for
some kind of weirdness,
some kind of real lunacy
that'll just grab you
and shake you up and
show you something new.
That's Top Knot.
DES: In a sea of clamshells,
Top Knot Detective is a pearl.
It might be rough around the edges
and not as pretty as the others,
but it's a fan favorite nonetheless
that has lost none of its original shine.
It's a true cult hit, man.
It's the show that wouldn't die.
The fans have kept it alive.
It's the gold standard
of shitty 90's Japanese B cinema.
Plus, it's not like some
asshole's ever gonna remake it.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
SHEIMASU: Deductive reasoning.
(CACKLING LAUGHTER)
Sutaffu.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(HARD ROCK MUSIC)
Hey, Sheimasu!
The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a single footstep but,
my motorbike has ROCKET BOOSTERS!
Truth, justice and rock 'n roll!
JUST DO IT!
The path of justice is like a woman.
Confusing, difficult,
annoying, sexy,
but ultimately violent and full of death,
destruction and madness.
My love has been taken from me.
My enemies greatly outnumber me.
Some might call that number: Infinite.
Like my stamina in the
bedroom and during combat!
But this is the path I
must choose as a ronin.
my adventures will be
remembered throughout time
as I fight for justice
and, I do it all with:
DEDUCTIVE REASONING!
And there you have it.
Next time, join me for a look at
a classic Italian giallo
slasher soap opera
starring mute pygmy ponies from
the Amazonian rainforest who have
an unquenchable thirst for human blood.
It's called, My Little Italian Stallions
and I just know you're gonna
love it as much as this.
ANNOUNCER: Antoni Oni presents,
My Little Italian Stallions.
Hold your horses for horror.
(SCREAMING)
Fantasy, erotica, ponies, madness.
From the world's foremost auteur
in equestrian erotic horror, Antoni Oni.
Now, in monkey vision!
(SCREAMING)
Alejandro Jodorowsky calls
this film 'unwatchable'.
Antoni Oni's best film since
Troppo Caldo Al Trotto.
Nothing compares to the cinema
experience?
Prepare yourself for My
Little Italian Stallions!