[JEFFREY OSBORNE'S
"I JUST WANT TO BE
YOUR FRIEND" PLAYING]
So you've done the things
You thought you wanted to do
But they never fill that space
Inside of you
What you need is someone
Who will understand
Oh, can't you see
I'm holding out my hand
Oh, I just wanna be your friend
Just wanna be your friend
You know
Sometimes I'm lost and lonely too
Oh, I just wanna be your friend
Just wanna be your friend
Ive been searching
For a friend like you
So it's hard to be
The one you like to be
There are times
When you just need some company
When that situation's
Getting out of hand
You can reach for me
You know I'll understand
Oh, I just wanna be your friend
Just wanna be your friend
You know
Sometimes I'm lost and lonely too
Oh, I just wanna be your friend
Just wanna be your friend
I've been searchin'
For a friend like you
Everybody needs someone
It'll always be that way
There's one thing more
That I would like to say
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
MAN 1:
Just to show you that
my heart's in the right place,
I'll give you a ticket
for some mouthwash,
because you got halitosis.
MAN 2:
Hey, that's my beer!
MAN 1:
I'm gonna raise you
a dollar in food stamps.
Hey, everybody.
There's a job at Haley's Car Wash.
Forget about it.
You're not gonna get it.
I'd like to call the hurry-up squad.
I've got a good hand.
What is this, a dog thing?
Nobody wants...
Who the hell put that in?
There's a lot.
I got two dogs.
Bring them down.
We'll barbecue them.
MEN: Ha, ha, ha.
I'll do that. You can eat them.
You're lucky you didn't say
you had a kitty.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Put some Alpo coupons in.
That's some good food.
Pure horse meat.
Does not shrivel in the skillet.
You can spread it on bread.
Are we gonna play?
What have you got?
I got a straight.
I almost got a straight.
MAN 3: Let's see your straight.
I got a pair of sevens. Ha-ha.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
MAN 4:
I got a pair of nines.
[GROUP CHATTERING]
MAN 5:
There are five, six puppies.
How you doing, baby?
Hi, baby.
Can I take something?
Take this.
What can I get?
You can get lost, Clifford.
I like that. Get lost.
Check this out, baby.
Jack.
How about one-on-one, little man?
It's all right with me, big man.
Get a feel of the ball.
Bounce it.
ANGELA: Jack.
CLIFFORD: Let me have it.
Come on. Can't you play the game?
Uh-huh.
Are you gonna do that every time?
Jack.
Jack, your Army buddy
came to my office today.
It was very embarrassing.
He's gonna auction off the house.
What?
He's gonna auction off the house.
No, they can't.
My parents gave me this house.
They gave you
the mortgage.
You know it's my house.
But we haven't paid in six months.
I haven't finished the book.
When I do, the publisher
will give me money.
Would you stop about the book?
Angela, you know I'm a writer.
Yes, darling. You are a writer.
A very good writer.
I am a writer, right?
He's a writer.
JACK:
Hey, everybody, ain't I a writer?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
JACK:
Stanley!
Back, two, three, four.
Stanley!
Register at the desk
if you want to take the class.
I want to see my friend
before he goes to work.
Jack, get out of here.
Why are you upsetting Angela,
telling her you're selling my house?
You're not gonna sell it, right?
Hey!
The house belongs to the bank
unless you come up
with a quick 10 grand.
I'll try to stop them,
but I can't do anything
if you don't have a job.
So get a job
and get out, Jack.
I have a job.
Writing a book is a job.
Writing a book
is a cop-out, Jack.
Now get a job.
A paying job will convince
them of your sincerity
and your earnest intentions.
Ticklish!
Ha-ha-ha.
Now if you get a job... Ha-ha.
Don't touch me, Jack.
Don't. Physical contact.
We'll lose our license.
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Get out of here, will you? Ha-ha.
You're disrupting the class.
Just get out! Get out! Get out!
ALL [CHANTING]:
Get out! Get out! Get out!
Get a job! Get a job! Get a job!
[]
[CHATTERING]
Hey, brother. Where you going?
Where you going?
Clifford, I'm here for a job.
What do you think we're in line for?
The bus.
No, no. The job.
I'll tell you what to do.
All you waiting on the job?
Yeah. Get your bicycle.
Okay? As you go,
back of the line.
If you can't find it,
come back to the front again.
Ha-ha-ha. Watch the cars.
[TRAIN BELL RINGING]
MAN:
Hey! Hey, hey, buddy!
Watch out!
[TRAIN HORN BLARING]
[MEN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
Hi.
Hi.
WOMAN:
Oh, my God!
He's gonna hit that man!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
MAN:
Get off my face.
[CAR TIRES SQUEALING,
THEN CRASHING]
JACK:
Come on, Shorty. Come on.
Watch yourself. Come on.
There you go. Good boy.
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
DRIVER:
Hey! What, you crazy idiot!
[]
JACK:
Huh? Let's see. Yeah.
No. Instruments? No.
Cleaning lady? Cleaning lady?
Hmm.
[TRILLS]
[GRUNTING]
Away! Halt.
Hey, pops.
What do you need?
Want to keep an eye
on this for me?
[]
[MAN WHISTLES]
[FANCY HUMMING]
[HUMMING]
Hi, foxy lady.
I do thank you so very much.
Hey, a quarter.
I'm gonna buy a car with this.
I have a job for you. You mind?
Not at all.
Hold those while I get in. Bless your
heart. Good luck to you. Thank you.
Not for you.
It's a free country.
That's Fancy Bates.
His daughter?
Wife numero three.
You think she's ready?
Ready for what?
Black experience.
[CHUCKLES]
You ready?
[LAUGHS]
Take it easy, Fancy.
WOMAN:
Miss Jackie Brown.
Is there no Miss Jackie Brown?
Huh? That's me.
Miss Jackie Brown.
I got it.
Not you. We need a part-time woman.
I can be a part-time woman.
I'm a part-time woman.
Jackie Brown.
Heh, heh, heh.
Man, no jive. This is...
That's good. That's very good.
You're what we call "overqualified."
Mr. Brown, we're looking for a woman
to do a little part-time cleaning,
and you're a journalist.
Go see the people
in Mr. Bates' newspaper.
The Bugle.
They're not hiring any blacks.
Is this a protest?
You're not starting a sit-in, are you?
I just want a job.
Oh, here's your phi Beta. I'm sorry.
I can do anything a woman can do.
Almost.
No. Answer's no.
No now. No tomorrow.
No next week.
No next month. No next year.
You know what I like about
this outfit, Mr. Morehouse?
Its open-mindedness.
I think you're trouble.
Mr. Bates doesn't want any trouble.
Thank you for coming. My secretary
will give you a parking validation.
No trouble. I'm not trouble.
My girlfriend, she's trouble.
Is she foxy? Ha-ha-ha.
What kind of trouble could she be?
Oh, she's a legal staff
for the local Klanwatch.
She's very litigious.
[KNUCKLES CRACKING]
Litigious.
That means she sues people?
Like in court.
Oh. Why don't you sit down.
You don't want this job.
No. I'll be truthful with you.
You'd have to come in two days,
at noon on Tuesdays and Fridays
to help serve a staff luncheon.
I worked through college
waiting tables.
Every weeknight you have to clean
the window displays for three hours.
I'll take it.
It's that bad out there?
Worse.
How attached are you to that beard?
I'm not gonna vacuum with my beard.
That's the '60s. This is the '80s.
You see, we're all part
of Mr. Bates' family here.
And none of us have beards.
I will not be denied, Sidney.
[HUMMING]
She's busy.
Come back about 3:00.
I'm looking for
Miss Ruby D. Simpson.
That's me. What do you want?
I'm the new cleaning lady.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Lord have mercy.
Morehouse done flipped his wig.
No, ma'am.
I'm the new cleaning lady.
[CHUCKLES]
Come on, honey. Walk this way.
[]
Move it.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
MOREHOUSE:
He's gonna want to see all of this.
So you know what your job is.
Of course,
you want to be ready, right?
Chicken, Mr. Morehouse?
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, God.
Mr. Morehouse.
Please get some trousers on
before Mr. Bates sees you, okay?
Okay, pilgrim.
Here you go. Chicken.
Here you go. Big dipper.
Chicken from the back. Bam.
[PHONE RINGING]
U.S.
ALL: Hello, U.S.
MEN: Good morning, U.S.
WOMAN: Good morning, U.S.
MAN 1: How do you do, U.S.?
MAN 2: Morning, U.S.
RUBY: Mr. U.S., phone.
No calls. Time is money.
It's your son.
Oh. Excuse me.
JACK:
Time is money.
Hello, Eric?
How was the flight?
Good. Good.
I'm glad you're here.
We're gonna have a wonderful week.
And anything you want.
Anything. Absolutely.
Okay, son. I'll see you.
[CHATTERING]
[TABLE LEGS SCRAPING FLOOR]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
MAN: That's my tomato salad.
WOMAN: I'm sorry.
No, my salad.
Mine had four eggs on it.
No, mine has four eggs in it.
I can... I can help fix this.
I can fix this.
Excuse me, Mr. Whorehouse.
What are you doing?
JACK:
Don't be selfish.
I'm sorry, U.S. Goes back to you.
[TABLE LEGS SCRAPING FLOOR]
No, these other people got to eat.
MOREHOUSE:
Let him have the table.
He wants the table.
Psst.
Oh... Uh... Me, U.S.?
[GRUNTS]
He wants to talk to you.
Go on down there.
Cover your lip. Mustache.
Hmm?
Cover your lip.
[JACK YELLS THEN STAMMERS]
Oh...
Uh...
Sorry, Mr. Bates.
[HUMMING]
Is that all right, sir?
You're, uh, very strong
for a little lady.
And you have a lot
of hair on your lip.
Mm-hm.
Hmm?
We don't like our waitresses
to have hairy lips.
You see, I noticed...
Uh... Tell you what. Shave.
Shave?
Oh, uh...
And after you shave, you're fired.
Oh. Thank you, Mr. Bates.
Uh...
Oh, no, I can handle it.
I can, Mr. Bates. I can...
Ah!
Oh...
Okay.
What did he say?
What a great man.
He says I'm sexy
and he loves the chicken.
Heh. Hey. Ha-ha.
Know what I mean,
soul brother?
Power to the people. Right on.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Later, Morehouse.
[]
Here we are, young man.
Shall I wait?
Give me a hand.
Somebody give me a hand.
Let's see, hand, football. Hmm.
Do I have to stay? I'm an accountant.
Will he exceed his credit?
Shh.
JACK: We gotta win this one.
All right. We got six seconds
or we don't win the Super Bowl.
I didn't come this far to lose, okay?
He's fired. Isn't he?
Did you fire him?
I didn't fire him.
You're the one...
Shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Go deep.
Swing left on blue, okay?
On six. On three. On two.
So be ready.
Somebody get Matoussac.
Okay! Thirty-six, 44, on blue!
Hut, hut, hut! Go for it!
I'm okay, me.
Blue, 26, 32, hut, hut, hut.
It's always my toy department!
Why can't he get into stereos?
Or something we don't even sell.
We sell everything.
[]
Don't know my own strength.
"Danger. Do not touch."
Wonder Wheel.
Looks like a job for me.
Wonder Wheel.
This is great.
Bounces. Dance on it.
[HUMMING]
JACK [SINGING]:
What's so dangerous about...?
[HUMMING]
It doesn't work.
That's why it's dangerous.
It works! it works!
[SCREAMING]
Whoa, Wonder Wheel! Stop!
I admit it, it works!
Okay. Stop, Wonder Wheel!
Nice Wonder Wheel! Stop!
[JACK SCREAMING]
Stop the Wonder Wheel!
Help! Wonder Wheel!
I'm the Wonder Wheel
champion of the world!
Miracle Wonder Wheel!
The best one!
[AIR HISSING]
The best... Oh, Wonder Wheel, don't.
Wonder Wheel.
Come on, Wonder Wheel.
Don't. You can't.
We've been through
too much together.
Come on! Come on, Wonder Wheel.
Come on, you can do it,
Wonder Wheel.
I don't wanna go through life
being a Wonder Wheel murderer.
I want you to play with kids.
You haven't even been to the zoo.
You never even touched water.
Come on, Wonder Wheel. Don't die.
Wonder Wheel, don't die.
Please, Wonder Wheel.
Please, Wonder Wheel...
[GRUNTING]
I know what I want.
He likes Wonder Wheel.
Let's blow it up right away.
The black man.
He wants one in black, all right?
The black man.
He wants the black man.
No. No, Eric, no. Not today.
Not now. Not never.
Yes.
He's not a toy.
He's trouble. See the mustache?
I asked him to shave.
Mr. Morehouse, I really don't care.
But he's one of our cleaning people.
I want him.
He's not for sale.
Why not?
Because he's a person.
Daddy said anything I wanted,
anything in the store.
You can't buy a human, Eric.
Why not?
Because...
It's against the law, isn't it?
Absolutely.
Mr. Morehouse,
doesn't my daddy make the laws?
[CLEARS THROAT]
I think he's got a point there.
ERIC:
Mr. Morehouse.
Now.
Now?
It's your department.
Good choice.
You'll have a wonderful time.
[SCREAMS]
Tim O'Brien, Toys.
Jack Brown, Windows.
Hey. Remember me?
I'm fired, right?
No, no.
Do you see that kid over there?
Jesus Christ. Yeah.
Well, he is the son of our...
Boss.
Right.
He's bright. Phi Beta.
I see the resemblance.
Yeah. He'd like to take you
home with him.
He would... What?
It's just a joke.
What, is he sick?
No.
Nuts, right?
No.
What are we talking about?
He's just used to
getting his own way.
You guys are serious!
No jive.
You want me to go with him?
If you wouldn't mind.
Oh, I mind.
I don't want him throwing a tantrum.
He can do a lot of damage.
I don't care.
I'm not going anywhere.
No, sir. Not me.
No now. No tomorrow.
No next week. I'm not... No!
No! As you say, you know? No.
I think we have to butter your bread.
I don't care if you...
No! Hell no. You can't...
I can't be bought.
This got settled in the Civil War.
You can't have slaves. No!
We're not trying to buy you.
We just want to rent you
for a little while.
What is your hourly rate?
I don't have...
No. No.
By the hour.
No.
No. Now, I don't have to stay long?
Oh, no.
No.
You'll give a decent burial
to Wonder Wheel?
Oh, yes.
That's my friend.
This is light.
Well...
Thank you. Ah! Ha-ha.
Yes.
It's a little light here.
Thank you.
A little light.
Yes, okay, fine.
JACK:
Very pleased to meet you.
This is Eric.
Eric, he would be delighted.
His name is Jack Brown.
Jack, Master Bates.
[LAUGHS]
Mas...
Ah.
Wrap him up.
Wrap who up? Hey, Jack.
Wrap what? I don't get wrapped.
I can't be wrapped unless you have
ribbon or something soft.
This is still light.
[]
Elbows off the table.
Sit up, Eric.
Now, Eric, our stomachs digest
our food a lot better
if we eat some vegetables,
some starch and some meat.
In that order.
Not all the vegetables
at one time.
I hate liver.
I understand nothing but German.
I hate German.
Well, Eric,
it certainly is a pleasure
to have you.
Now, what do you want
to do first?
Six Flags? Delta Queen?
New Orleans?
You know, I have a new helicopter.
How's school?
How's your math?
How are the boys?
Eric.
Does Fancy have to come
to Six Flags with us?
Certainly not. Do you want
Barkley to take you?
I want you to take me.
Eric, I've got a surprise for you.
Your present's arrived. Ha-ha-ha.
FRULEIN:
Not until you finish your liver!
Now just a minute here!
Boys will be boys, God bless him.
[TOYS BEEPING]
Eric, come and finish your dinner.
Get me a hammer.
Not until you finish.
Get me a hammer.
If you don't come
and finish your dinner,
you will not open that
until tomorrow.
JACK:
Are you crazy?
[SCREAMING]
What's going on in here?
She won't help me open my present.
She won't give me a hammer.
What the hell is that?
JACK: Help!
Oof.
You said I could have anything.
JACK:
Help, please. I need air.
Schatzie, get a hammer.
JACK: Can I have some air?
Who are you?
JACK:
I'm the new part-time cleaning lady,
sir, at the store.
What are you doing in there?
JACK:
Your son came along
and asked them
to wrap me up,
which they did, in a box.
This box.
I hope you have
a good explanation for this.
You said anything in the store.
Well, he was in the store.
I get to open it. it's my present.
JACK:
What?
Hurry!
Please hurry.
[]
[GROANING]
Didn't I tell you to shave?
Sorry.
Sir.
Sorry, sir.
I mean, come here.
No way.
[FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING
AND JACK SCREAMS]
U.S.:
Now, wait a minute.
Let's not be too hasty.
I'll pay you on an hourly basis.
Sir?
All right, I'll pay you
on an hourly basis, sir.
No way.
Well, what sort of a position
are you looking for?
Slave sound too crass?
I'm serious.
I am too. I'm a journalist.
I've been trying to get a job
on your newspaper.
The only black people you hire
do windows, mop floors.
I don't like it. I tried it.
Believe me, I have dignity.
Take those firecrackers and...
Never mind.
That's not the way out.
Go get him, Daddy.
Wait a minute. What's your name?
Brown. Jack Brown.
I only have the boy
for one week a year.
Get better lawyers.
That's too long.
I love him.
Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
He wants you to stay.
He wants to see if you can make me.
He's a manipulative bastard.
It's a power play.
You know, if you were
a little less hysterical,
you'd suggest I pay you
what I pay my reporters for a week.
Four hundred dollars.
For babysitting?
Step in my office.
[]
U.S.:
Isn't that a magnificent
arrangement of dominoes?
JACK:
Yes, sir. It's really something.
It took me over a month to set that up.
A month? Wow.
Yeah. it's rewarding.
Have a seat.
You know, Mr. Brown, I'm a man
that gets what he wants by patience.
Some people exercise
their tibiae, their fibulae...
I exercise my patience.
[LIGHTER CLICKING]
Patience.
There's no hole.
Just bite the end off.
And spit it in your hand.
Eric's not a bad boy.
High-spirited. I like that.
I like him.
You'll like him.
I'm crazy about him already.
I want him to understand that money
means never saying you're sorry.
That's about the only thing
the kid does understand.
That's not an ashtray, you asshole.
That's an ashtray.
Okay.
Ashtray.
What you're offering me
isn't a job. it's an insult.
And I'm insulted and I'm splitting.
All right, what do you need?
I need?
Ten thousand dollars.
Ten...
You're not a newspaperman.
You're a crook.
You asked me what I needed,
not what I'd settle for.
That's what I meant, of course.
Let's start at a thousand.
We'll work our way up.
A thousand is highway robbery.
I'd settle for 400
and a job on The Bugle.
There isn't any job on the paper.
A thousand five hundred.
That's a deal.
Two thousand.
Now, wait a minute.
We had a deal.
Two-five.
All right, but for that kind of money,
if Eric blows his nose,
you wipe it.
Three thousand.
Two-five.
Two-seven.
Two-five is my top.
Three thousand dollars.
I wonder if Eric knows what kind
of a bastard he's getting.
I may be a bastard, Mr. Bates,
but I...
[MOANING]
[GROWLING]
Aah! Ah. Oh.
I'm going to kill you!
Two-five is fine.
Two-five is excellent.
Are you at the store?
Well, where are you?
At U.S. Bates' house?
The U.S. Bates' house?
Clifford, hold it down.
I'm working for U.S. Bates.
"I'm working for U.S. Bates."
Not on the paper, no.
A toy?
I'm U.S. Bates' toy. I'm not stoned.
Let's play. Get off the phone!
No, he's not playing with me.
I'm his son's toy. Eric.
He's got a son and he hired me...
He's one of the nicest kids
I've ever met. He's really...
Play with me!
He's wonderful.
Ask me how much I'm making.
Get off the phone.
Get off the phone!
Ask me. Just ask.
Twenty-five hundred dollars a week!
Get off the phone!
Yes!
Say goodbye! Get off the phone!
Come on!
No, but he's a wonderful...
He's just wonderful.
You're paid to play, not to talk.
Just a minute. How old are you?
Nine.
You want to live to be 10? Do you?
Oh, hi.
Fancy.
Wait until I'm done, U.S.
I've got to talk to you.
But I'm busy.
What I have to tell you is important!
What am I supposed to do?
How do you turn off
this goddamn machine?
Oh. Oh, sugar. I like it like that.
Oh. Heh.
[GIGGLING]
Whee. That was fun.
Please. I have a headache.
I've got something to tell you.
Is it about the party? Everything's
arranged. it'll be beautiful.
It's about Eric.
Oh, God.
Has it been a year already?
I forgot it was his week.
What do I have to do with him?
Take him to Six Flags?
He, uh...
He bought a black man.
I wasn't aware that we sold them.
I wanted you to know,
so you wouldn't be frightened
if you saw him.
There's a real, live
black man in this house?
It's only for a week.
But why?
Heh. To play with, he says.
To aggravate you and me, I say.
Heaven forbid.
You just tell him no, you ass.
That's U.S., not "you ass."
Well, I'm just gonna
take a shower, U.S.
[]
[CHUCKLES]
ERIC:
Look out!
That's my bedroom over here.
What? Jeez.
[SPEAKS GERMAN]
I know nothing!
Oh, Eric!
[GASPS THEN SCREAMS]
This is fun, Jack.
JACK: This is fun? Aah!
Look out!
[JACK SCREAMING]
[GASPING]
I didn't figure your weight
in the turn. Great ride, though.
Are you all right, Master Bates?
Are you all right?
[GASPING]
Jesus Christ! Are you crazy?
What are you doing?
You're making faces.
Leave the kid alone.
[GRUNTING]
Here's a hat. Now put it on.
Let's go! Let's go!
Give him a ticket. Put it on.
I'm Eric Bates! Give him a ticket!
Go give him a ticket! Chop, chop!
What's going on?
What do you mean?
Is everybody like this?
Does this go on every day?
You're not allowed to talk.
He's clean!
I'm clean. Thank you.
That's more than the floor is.
Know what's on that floor?
No.
Your dinner. Ha-ha-ha.
That was my dinner?
That was my dinner, Shirley Temple.
I don't care. Get in!
You don't...
Got a license to drive on the steps?
I don't need one. I'm Eric Bates.
You'll learn the hard way, laddie.
I'm Eric Bates, U.S. Bates' son!
Is there a jail around here?
A jail?
Yes!
On the left.
I'm Eric Bates! Put me down!
I'm U.S. Bates' son!
In the slammer, mammer.
I'm Eric Bates! Put me down!
[ERIC SCREAMS]
Jack! Let me out of here!
Barkley, you're fired!
Well played. Congratulations.
Could you fix me a cheeseburger?
What's going on?
I didn't hear anything.
What's going on?
He was driving down the steps.
He drove through the hallway.
I don't want this job.
I'm gonna lose it anyways.
Dad! Dad!
Calm down, calm down.
Calm down!
What's going on?
It's my fault, sir.
My fault, sir.
No, my fault.
Yes, it's his fault.
No, now, Jack...
Daddy, we were...
just playing.
Right, Jack?
Yeah, we were just playing a game.
Yeah. Just playing, Daddy.
Come on, Jack. Let's go play
some more of these games.
Come on, Jack.
Get this cleaned up.
Yes, thank you.
There's a party about to happen.
Thank you very much.
[MUMBLES]
JACK: Why did you stick up for me?
I want you to stay.
Why? Does it mean
anything to you
that I don't want to stay?
If you're paid enough, you'll stay.
That wasn't the question.
Daddy's giving you a lot of money.
That has no significance here.
Understand?
I am talking about I have pets.
I have friends.
I got 16 plants, and my lady.
Your old lady won't mind.
My old lady? Not my old lady.
My lady.
Put this on.
A costume?
This is for a short person.
I need something that fits.
I bought some costumes for Barkley.
Maybe they'd fit you.
Maybe they'll fit me.
Let's go play a game.
"Let's go play a game."
Come on.
"Come on.
Got some from Barkley."
ROBOT:
Round one. Keep your hands up.
protect yourself at all times.
JACK: Box the robot.
Knockout.
This is better than Disneyland.
You know that?
Hmm. Hmm.
Round one. Keep your hands up.
protect yourself at all times.
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
Keep your hands up.
protect yourself at all times.
ERIC:
Come on.
Get up. Come on.
[GROANS]
Get this thing out of your way.
Are you all right?
Let's go play the game.
Foul! Foul! Foul!
What game?
The air-hockey game.
Come on.
You ready?
Who's gonna win?
I am, right?
You're not gonna win.
If you win, you can go home with pay.
For the week?
Sure.
No, no, no. Twenty-five hundred
dollars for a couple of hours?
Sure. Why not?
What's Money Bucks gonna think?
Look, I can deal with my daddy.
You can't deal with me on this.
I used to be very good.
Well, I'm pretty good.
Let's say every goal I get,
you have to stay another year.
For every goal? Okay.
That's one year.
I wasn't ready.
I make the rules.
That's one year.
You wanna cheat.
Two years.
I wasn't ready.
I'm the king of ghetto hockey.
You ain't gonna beat me.
Watch it, watch it, watch it!
Tricker! One year. That's one.
[GAME CLICKS OFF]
Come back. The game's not over.
I'm not playing.
You're gonna quit because
I was winning? You hate to lose?
I just don't feel like
playing any more.
What if I tell your father?
He doesn't care.
He doesn't care
that his son is a quitter?
He doesn't care what I am,
as long as I stay out of his way.
[]
FRULEIN:
Eric!
My little dove, it's bath time.
I'm busy.
Come on now. The water's ready.
ERIC: No!
Hello, Mr. Brown.
Eric, now! This minute!
Not without my toy.
That's a good boy.
You want your submarine?
No. Jack.
Oh, no, you're not! I'll tell your father!
Does everybody around here
say that?
Mm-hm.
I'm not gonna say it any more.
[]
Not for you.
You can take a bath in my room
and I'll wash you real nice.
Meet you later.
My room is the second door...
What are you doing?
Wow, this is... Are you kidding me?
Mr. Brown.
I wanted a pool, but Daddy said
it might be dangerous.
This is great. Look at all...
Don't touch!
That's Mr. Bates' collection
and I'm in charge of it.
Now, Eric, you get in the tub.
And you, out!
Jack, get in.
Eric, you're too big to bathe
with another naked man!
She's right.
You shouldn't bathe
with a naked man.
But...
I forbid you! Oh, God!
Here we go!
Oh, my God!
Please, do my back.
Mr. Bates!
It Came from the Tub,
starring Eric Bates as "it."
I like you, Jack.
[HUMMING]
Jack.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, no, you don't!
[HUMMING]
Uh. Let me guess. You're the new
second-floor sprinkler system.
No, ma'am. I'm Jack Brown.
I'm sorry I'm messing up your carpet.
I wouldn't think this would
tickle a grown man.
Amazing.
What people will do for money,
it's amazing.
Hmm. Heh.
[SIGHS THEN HUMMING]
Oh...
Yes.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Who do these people
think they are?
Jesus!
Yuck!
[SOBBING]
I'm gonna kill him.
I'll pull his head off. I'm gonna get him.
[]
Well, here they are now.
Hi, U.S. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Ooh. U.S.!
Fancy, you look so good tonight.
Hi, sugar pie!
WOMAN:
I'm glad to see you. Look at those
bracelets. Where did you get them?
Oh, these old things?
The word I get, U.S.,
is that they're going
to indict you.
Oh, state or federal?
Federal.
Goddamn them.
So where's that limey of yours
with the bourbon?
Barkley!
Your bourbon, my lords.
Thank you, my lords.
U.S.:
A federal case? Maybe we ought
to run a little party for the senator.
I always thought that they conducted
their proms in an excellent manner.
It used to be my pleasure
to buy the uniforms for the band.
And each year,
we'd have a different color.
Do you know why they're having
a party downstairs, fellas?
Because it's goodbye for you guys.
Oh, yeah. It's called a "wrap party."
This is all for you guys. It's over.
They're not gonna
sell you anymore.
They got a new toy to sell
called the "Jack Brown."
Me, the wind-up asshole.
Yes, that's me.
I'm taking over all the stores
of America next Christmas.
Kids will be hollering for me.
They won't want teddy bears like you.
No, no, they won't.
And they won't want no sad pandas.
And no camels.
No tigers, leopards, lions, rabbits.
And orangutans. You understand?
Kids will want a Jack Brown wind-up.
"Mommy, I want
a Jack Brown wind-up.
Suzy has one
and hers can play basketball.
And Otto has one
that can drive a Cadillac.
He's real cute too
and I want to pinch his nose."
That's what I've done to myself.
I sold out to Morehouse, you know?
Yeah.
My life is over. I'll end up in this room
with all you toys for the rest of my life.
[BARKING]
[RUSTLING]
What the hell is that?
[JACK MUTTERING]
Jesus! What the...?
Why...?
[]
You think that's funny, do you?
What do you think of this?
Goodbye! I want my clothes!
"Goodbye! I want my clothes!"
JACK: Hello?
I want my clothes!
"Hello?"
I'm not kidding!
"I want my clothes! I'm not kidding!"
Hello?
"Hello?"
Yoo-hoo! Hello?
Yoo-hoo!
Oh, hi. I want my clothes.
Mr. Brown. Now sit down for a minute.
They're in the dryer,
and they're all wet.
Now tell me something.
Are you brown all over?
You can talk dirty, if you like.
I'll jump on top of you.
How disgusting for him to force
himself into my room. Go to bed!
ERIC: Jack!
What?
Where you going?
Home.
Why?
Are you that dumb, kid?
Jesus!
Well, aren't we full of surprises?
I was looking for the laundry room.
Frulein's got my clothes.
The laundry room?
Yes.
Oh, yes, the laundry room.
Why don't you just follow me.
See you, Eric. Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Excuse me.
May I have your
attention, please?
I just wanted you all to see
what U.S. bought his boy today.
It doesn't even need batteries.
Isn't that sweet?
I hope it starts a trend
to do something about
the unemployment situation.
If y'all want one
for your children,
we're taking orders...
We gotta talk.
U.S., can't you take a joke?
JACK:
I'm embarrassed.
U.S.:
I didn't think
that was remotely amusing.
Did you?
Not remotely amusing.
You're marking my arm,
sugar.
I thought three weeks
with that shrink would be enough.
Now you gotta spend
some quiet time
at that hospital.
I'm sorry. I was bragging.
You liked for me to brag on you.
Let loose of me.
Is somebody gonna deal with
what happened to me?
Your wife embarrassed me!
So what? You're getting paid.
It's past your bedtime.
Put your toy away and go to sleep.
You, come with me.
You can't pay me enough money!
U.S.:
You're gonna get yours.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Son of a...
You can't leave!
I can't?
In your pajamas?
Frulein's got my clothes.
You won't get your money.
Money? You're not hearing me.
I was embarrassed and humiliated!
You acted like money
was the most important thing.
I was wrong!
Was I bad?
Were you bad? What you were gave
a new meaning to the word "bad."
Stop! Don't go out that door!
There's parking people out front,
and they'll laugh.
Jesus.
Go out the side door.
You sure? Listen to me,
you're something else, man.
You never cease to amaze me.
Every time I think
you're a rotten kid,
you do something real nice.
Hey, thanks, pal. Take it easy.
So long.
Bye.
Bye-bye, Eric.
[ALARM BLARING]
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
JACK:
Eric! Open the door, you little shit!
[ALARM BLARING]
WOMAN: Should we do something?
What else can go wrong?
Probably a short-circuited wire
or something.
ALL:
Oh.
JACK:
Open the door, you little bastard!
Let me in! Open the door,
you little shit!
Eric!
Shit. Jesus Christ.
[PEOPLE SHOUTING]
MAN 1:
He might be armed and dangerous!
MAN 2:
Negro! Grab him.
Probably on drugs.
MAN 1:
I bet he got out of penitentiary.
[MEN SHOUTING]
MAN 1: Hey! Watch my car!
MAN 2: He's high on marijuana, I bet!
Ah! Baby Jesus!
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
It's only a fault
in the electrical system, I'm sure.
Well, Rasputin, what's next?
I want to go back to school.
Before the end of spring vacation?
Tonight.
But this is my week.
I knew you wouldn't let me.
What's wrong? What happened?
Are you disappointed
because I didn't drown?
It's always my fault.
Well, it wasn't. it was Fancy's.
She didn't have to take him down
and get him embarrassed.
Now he won't come back
no matter how much you pay.
I don't want to stay because
I don't have anyone to play with!
Don't, Daddy! I want him back!
Don't! I want Jack back.
Please, Daddy. Please get me
Jack back. Please!
Please.
[]
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
They've come for the pajamas.
[BUZZING]
Just a minute!
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
No. No.
Please, Mr. Brown.
The kid needs a shrink.
Oh. I agree with you.
I take a little something
so I can sleep,
and tonight I took two.
Mr. More...
And he told me
that I either do what he wants
or I can look for another job.
Please, open this envelope.
Just look at it.
Mr. Morehouse, no.
Ah. please.
No. Mr. Morehouse.
Let me say something.
It doesn't matter the compensation.
The answer is no.
Can I say something to you?
I admire your moral fiber.
Ten thousand dollars! Oh...
[]
Ten thousand dollars?
For a week or the rest of my life?
He only has the kid for a week.
Ten thousand dollars?
Ten thousand? Whoo!
Jack, now we can buy the house!
Ten thousand dollars!
Come in. We'll discuss moral fiber.
Come in, Mr. Morehouse.
Jack, we're gonna buy a house!
Want to take a nap?
MOREHOUSE: I'd love to.
JACK:
We were about to make love.
You can join in.
[MOREHOUSE LAUGHS]
[]
Jack!
Welcome home!
[HUMMING]
Ha! Mr. Brown, I'll make it pleasant.
I will scrub your back.
I will draw a bath for you.
Oh. Get it ready!
I'll see you in 10 years.
Ten years? Who needs it then?
[SHOUTING GIBBERISH]
Good morning, Barkley!
You're up early this morning.
Or didn't you go to bed last night?
I went to bed. Is this for Jack?
Yes, this is his breakfast.
Two, one, two, one...
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Thank you.
Come in.
BARKLEY:
Here's your breakfast.
How are you this morning?
Fine, sir. Good. Wonderful.
Better than the dinner I gave you
on the floor the other night.
Oh, this is great.
Where would you like it?
Near the window?
Anybody seen
the little monster?
Do you want me to find him?
He's a pain in the derrire,
I can tell you that.
Yes, well, bye-bye.
Bye-bye, sir.
[SINGING]
Going to have my breakfast
[HUMMING]
[DISHES CLATTERING]
[ERIC GIGGLING]
JACK:
What the...?
That's it. I've had it!
I've had it with you!
Hey! Put me down!
This is it!
This is it!
No! No!
Put me down!
[FART SOUND]
Put me down.
What the hell is this? What is this?
Let me go!
Don't spank me, Jack.
Please don't!
Eeh.
No!
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
Why the hell did you pick me?
You made me laugh.
I wanted a friend
who made me laugh.
Of all the things in the store,
you wanted a friend?
If you want a friend,
you don't buy a friend.
You earn a friend.
You know, with love and trust.
You don't have fart pillow.
You don't throw firecrackers at them.
You don't have stuff
dumping on their head.
You don't throw their food
on the floor.
I've had enough of your routine.
You love a friend, you know?
You earn a friend.
[]
Come see my train.
Hey, didn't you listen to me?
You don't order your friends around.
If you have a friend,
you ask your friend.
Sorry. Would you like
to come see my train, friend?
No.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna kill you.
I love you, Jack.
[TRAIN WHEELS CLACKING]
[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]
JACK:
We've got four more days.
What are we going to do?
Oh, I don't know. Play?
JACK:
Why don't we do
something interesting?
Watch this.
Hey, I know what. We'll start a
newspaper. You can be a reporter.
Boring.
Come on, man.
Listen, I'll be the editor
and you be the reporter.
I'll call you "Scoop."
Scoop?
Yeah, and you can take pictures.
You got a Kodak you haven't
taken out of the box.
No.
No? Heaven forbid you might learn
something useful.
Boring.
Boring?
All this is not boring?
All this garbage?
Look around, man! You kidding me?
I mean, all these people
kissing your ass isn't boring?
Hey, Jack, I have an idea.
Wanna go fishing?
Wanna...? For fish?
We used to have all the hoi polloi
from town here in the stream.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Swimming, picnicking, leaving
their beer cans all over the place.
So Daddy bought
a bunch of piranhas.
The first week they were here,
a cow went in there. All gone.
Somebody's cow got eaten.
JACK: I gotta pull my boots up high.
What do you mean?
JACK:
Because the bullshit is
getting thick. Piranhas?
I'm not kidding!
Piranha is South America.
I'm not going in there.
I'm going in there because...
You put a whoopee cushion
under me. Throw stuff over me.
There's nothing here.
Look, no piranhas!
Jack, I'm not kidding you!
There are piranha in there.
No piranha!
Come on. Get out!
Damn you!
Do you see any piranha?
Get out! Get out!
[SCREAMING]
Jack! Get out of there!
Ah!
Come on, Jack. Get...
Come on! You don't believe me?
You see? Get out.
[GRUNTING]
You didn't believe me, right?
[MUTTERING]
I'll never doubt your word again.
They're murderers!
MAN: Shut up!
What?
MAN: Hold the noise down.
Who the hell was that?
Mr. Morehouse.
Oh.
[SLURRING]
Eric, uh... I just, uh...
I came down to do a little
fishing this afternoon,
because I had a, uh...
Had a difficult morning.
You had a difficult morning?
I had to let Mr. Geffran,
head of accounting, go.
Why?
He's pushy, Eric.
He insisted on shaking hands
with your father.
So what?
He has very sweaty hands.
Very sweaty hands.
Your father said...
get rid of him.
My father fired a man
because he has sweaty hands?
No, he made me do it.
Good man.
Father and husband.
Mortgage.
Mr. Morehouse,
you gonna be all right?
Yeah. Mm. Shh.
We gotta go.
Good luck, Mr. Morehouse.
[]
You know, we could tell.
We could get even.
Who we gonna tell? God?
What are you gonna say?
"Hey, God! Life's unfair."
You know what he's gonna say?
"Tough titty."
No, in our newspaper.
We're not doing a newspaper,
remember?
Yeah. We could interview Fancy,
Barkley and everybody.
They wouldn't tell us squat about
your dad. They work for him.
You can make them talk.
I?
Didn't you see
All the president's Men?
Reporters make people talk,
if they're any good.
You told me you were good.
I believe you and we're gonna start
a newspaper today. Let's shove off.
Yeah.
I want to be the editor.
I wanna call you "Scoop."
JACK:
Shut up before I let you go.
ERIC:
Don't let go.
Come on. You don't know anything
about running a newspaper.
You got that, Scoop?
Quit calling me "Scoop."
Just because your father
owns a newspaper
doesn't mean you can run one,
does it?
I hate typing.
I hate you calling me "Scoop."
I want to be the editor.
Yeah.
You're doing it by yourself.
Yeah.
You are.
I'm doing it myself!
I'm doing it myself!
JACK: Keep your head up.
I'm doing it myself!
Head up.
Jack! Jack, I'm gonna fall.
JACK:
I got you. I got you. I got you!
[BOTH LAUGH]
I got you!
One, two, three, that's all!
I was robbed!
This guy in a choke hold.
You're nuts, Jack, but I love you.
[ERIC LAUGHS]
Eric! Come on, Scoop. Get up!
Time to go to work.
Come on, I just...
Come on, Scoop. Hey, wait.
Just a minute, my friend. I'm gonna
take your picture for the paper.
All right. Say "cheese."
ERIC:
Cheese!
Jack, I'm gonna get you for this!
Ha-ha-ha.
You're in for it.
[LAUGHING]
JACK:
Couldn't we get these in a 40-low?
ERIC:
Come on, Jack.
I'll race you for a beer.
The last one in is a rotten egg.
Come on, Jack.
You gotta let me win this.
Come on. Don't do that to me.
JACK:
Let's go up there, man,
and take a rest. My butt's tired.
ERIC:
Don't stop!
Be careful. It's hot.
JACK: Race you up to top of the hill.
Okay.
JACK:
First one up is a rotten egg.
[LAUGHS]
If my father's rotten,
does it mean I'll be rotten too?
Probably.
What if I don't want to be?
You can't do much about that.
You're hopelessly locked in.
You can't avert it.
If you're hopeless too,
I don't mind.
What's Angela like?
What's Angela like? I thought
we were talking about your father.
What's she like?
She's like America.
I mean, she loves to fight.
A good fight.
She loves to take on
chemical companies. Like that.
Stuff that pollutes the world.
And she loves the underdog.
And she loves to be filled with
righteous indignation.
She's pretty wonderful. Probably
what your father would call a pinko.
Do you mate a lot?
What? Animals mate.
Well, you know, go to bed.
Make it.
It's none of your damn business.
What's it like?
Doesn't anybody talk to you,
like your father?
What do you do with your, uh...
thing?
What do you...? Is this a hypothetical
question or is there a lady involved?
Somebody who goes
to your school?
They only have boys
at my school, dummy.
What's her name?
Megan.
Megan. You like her?
Yeah. She goes to St. Mary's.
We have stupid parties with them
all the time.
Know what to do next time
you have a party?
You go up to her, very gently.
Take her by the hand.
Gently, you know.
You kind of pull her to you
and you jump on her bones.
Oh, come on, Jack!
Are you serious? No kidding around?
No.
Why don't you call her?
Take her out.
Play bingo or something.
Buy her a puppy. Get her some
ice cream. Play tiddlywinks.
You're asking for it again.
Show her how much
money you got.
Tell her you're from
the Bates Millionaire Club.
Why won't anybody tell me?
Hey, I was just kidding, man.
[]
Listen, you gotta be nice to her.
Tell her how you really feel.
Take a chance.
Stop being so tough.
They don't like that.
Women like it when you're sincere.
They respond too.
She'll look in your face,
check out your eyes.
She'd really like you if you'd
show her what you're made of.
Do you know what I mean?
Don't worry about your thing.
Keep it in your pants.
You got plenty of time for that.
Just show her some of your heart,
what you're made of.
You're made of a lot, you know.
Yeah, but the guys at school say
if you don't make it with
a girl a week, you'll go nuts.
Heh, heh. They're nuts.
Don't you know that?
Don't you know that physical love
is the easy part?
The hard part is loving somebody
with your heart.
That's the hard part.
Yeah, but I love her with my heart.
Well, do you ever tell her,
"I love you with all of my heart"?
ERIC:
No. But I'm definitely gonna tell
her that I love her with all my heart.
And then you're gonna
jump on her bones?
You gonna jump on her bones?
Are you gonna jump on her bones?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Thank you.
Eric and I are gonna start
a newspaper tomorrow.
I just love educational toys.
I'll show him
how to do an interview,
and put the interview
into newspaper form.
Use his camera to take
pictures. He has
a photocopier in his room.
It's a shame to waste
all that equipment.
Wonderful. Splendid.
I was wondering if you'd tell us
how you and your wife met.
And we'd sort of do
a practice run on you.
Sorry, you'll have to practice
on someone else.
Daddy?
It's just for your son, sir.
It's not like everybody
doesn't know already.
Around here. But the boy...
Are you ashamed of me?
U.S.:
Fancy.
Oh, it's just the sweetest story.
I love it.
It's exactly like Cinderella.
U.S.:
Well...
Off the record?
You give me your word?
Yes, sir. Absolutely. Off the record.
MAID:
Yes, sir.
Go ahead, sugar.
Well, U.S. was on his way home from
Colorado, from visiting numero two.
She's in a loony bin
in Colorado Springs.
What I was doing in Colorado
is irrelevant.
It's where I might be shortly.
I think it's real relevant.
You know, I don't believe
you know how to tell a story.
She was a little-bitty thing.
Scrawny, scared,
wobbling around
on platform sandals.
She was the newest, the youngest,
and the worst waitress in the bar.
It was a little bar outside
of Amarillo, Texas.
Right next to a motel.
I remember she was, uh...
wearing some kind of
rayon-like uniform.
It hardly covered her.
With some kind of
metal things on the front.
Propellers.
Propellers? Is that what they were?
You didn't know that?
The place was called the Fly-By-Nite.
The motif was airplanes.
All this time you didn't know
my metal things were propellers?
You're the one who doesn't
know how to tell a story.
U.S. come through that door,
like the archangel Gabriel.
And he lifted me
out of all that misery.
And he give me new hair.
And then he give me new boobs.
And a mink coat.
And a pink Continental.
And a charge card at Neiman's.
And I swear, if you don't believe
in prayers and miracles,
all you gotta do is look at me.
I mean, I am living proof.
Fancy?
FANCY: What?
What did your boobs
look like before?
[WHISPERING]
Don't touch that table.
Okay. Okay.
Now get the camera ready.
Stand over here.
And don't forget to focus. Okay?
Go sit in Daddy's chair.
I don't want to be in the picture.
Just sit.
What did you turn the light on for?
Never mind.
Hit the button on the left
of the desk drawer.
[BUTTON BUZZES]
I hit the button.
Okay.
I'm waiting.
Eeh!
Jeez, no!
No. No. No.
No.
Spoilsport.
Your father is very strange.
Now take the picture.
Okay, duck.
Good. Now turn out the light.
Let's get out of here.
I can't take you anywhere.
Be careful of the table.
Let's get out.
Jack!
[DOMINOS CLATTERING]
Ooh. Ooh.
[MUTTERING]
Why did you stop?
My dominoes just went down.
He says, "You're responsible for the
lunchroom." You know how he talks.
I said, "Sure, yes. What you think?
You know that."
And he said,
"You let that black man sere."
I said, "Mr. Bates,
Mr. Morehouse hired him.
I didn't hire him."
Two more months, my pension
would've taken care of my kids.
Can I take your picture?
Oh, why, sure. Let me get fixed.
I was employed...
What was I talking about?
When you were in England, sir.
Oh, yes. Can I get past?
I'm so sorry.
Thank you very much.
I was employed by an English lord.
Lord who, sir?
A fellow called Lord Cavendish.
He met this fellow Bates.
Met him in a theater queue
or somewhere.
I don't know. it turned out
they were both gamblers.
So they arranged to play
a game of billiards.
Billiards. play it with a pole,
hit the balls into pockets.
At any rate, ha, ha, my friend,
my lord, my boss,
had a bit of luck
and he won a herd of cattle.
Herefords or something.
About 700 of them.
And Bates sent them over
on a 747, first class.
And that was 1978.
Good heavens, time goes quickly.
No, '79, it must have been.
Well, Bates came over again
and he won me.
Maybe Lord Cavendish
should get better at pool.
God bless you. God bless you.
Here's to Cavendish.
May his pool game improve.
ERIC: What are we gonna call this?
Paste this down there.
Don't move that over here.
Why not?
It doesn't balance out
the three things.
You put it across the top.
Big headline.
That's a good idea.
You know, the morning crew
comes in at 8.
What morning crew?
At The Bugle.
So what?
Well, we need a press.
It's the only press in town, isn't it?
You wanna use your father's press
to print our newspaper?
Yeah, it's gonna irk him.
I'd think.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I got it, I got it.
Okay. Easy.
Were you ever a thief?
Shut up.
Well, were you?
Don't you know it's part
of the black cultural imperative?
Come on. Here, grab this. Take this.
What?
Hold this. Take it out.
I've got the key.
You've got the key?
If you had the key,
why didn't you tell me?
Because you didn't ask.
I didn't... Heh.
[GASPING]
Evening.
Evening. Evening.
Have a nice evening.
We really could put out
a paper every week.
Not just about Daddy,
but about everything else
that's wrong.
Best of all, I wouldn't have to
go back to that school.
Don't worry about military school.
We got our negative.
The next phase is the press.
No, gotta make a plate.
Is there anything you don't know?
Police department, please.
The Toy. Oh, man. All right!
That's it. That's it!
That is great. That's it!
COP 1:
Lights!
Police!
Let's get out of here!
Freeze!
Put your hands up!
Jesus! Jesus!
You can't arrest me.
My name is...
COP 2:
Let's get them downtown
and book them.
JACK:
Don't say nothing!
[JACK AND ERIC SCREAMING]
What is he telling them?
And one of his gang came up
and stuck a gun in my rib.
What a dirty sucker.
JACK:
I got a problem.
They're pointing at me.
What the hell is he telling them?
MAN: I've got some friends.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute. Is there a problem?
MAN: Those aren't my friends.
JACK:
Is there a problem?
COP 1: There's a problem.
COP 2: Boy, are you in big trouble.
[CHATTERING]
[FIRECRACKERS POPPING]
ERIC:
Take cover!
Can you give me
$10 for the cab?
All I need is 10. Just $10.
[SIREN WAILING]
[]
[HORN BLARING]
Here you go. Read this paper.
Sir? Sir?
Did you read that paper?
Paper! Read right here!
Read all about it!
What's your name?
[JACK AND ERIC CHATTERING]
JACK:
Read The Toy!
Amazing confessions.
Read about how U.S. Bates
found his wife one day...
Holy shit!
Get your paper!
Paper. Free paper.
What do you think,
Mr. O'Brien?
Forget you know me.
Jack, I gave out my last one.
Me too.
Let's go fishing.
Oh, man, am I tired.
Thank God this is over.
Mr. Bates, sir.
Morning.
Good morning.
This newspaper was distributed
by your son and Mr. Brown.
I thought you should
take a look at it.
Oof.
Eric is responsible for this?
And Jack Brown, sir.
I want them both here
in my office, now.
PILOT:
Attention, Jack Brown
and Master Bates.
Report immediately to the office.
Sure?
Repeat, immediately.
Yes, you two.
Okay.
Would you have me
stay or go, sir?
Come in.
Take a seat.
Eric, how many
of those papers
did you hand out?
About a thousand.
I want every one of those papers
accounted for.
And then I want them shredded.
Let Carter do it.
I want you back here.
We'll make twice
as many tomorrow
and sell them...
Shh. That's one little trick
you will not manage.
Wanna bet?
I assume, Brown, you know
the penalties for libel?
There's nothing in there
everyone doesn't know.
If I say they're lies, they're lies.
But it's the truth.
The truth?
[SCOFFS]
Truth has nothing to do with reality.
You have to deal with reality.
In reality, any one of these people,
with a little persuasion
will say what I want them to say
because I am reality.
Morehouse,
take your pants down.
Sir?
I said, take your pants down.
Right here. Right now.
I have to?
Well, if you value your job.
That's reality.
Get dressed.
Mr. Brown, maybe I could use
your talents on The Bugle.
Cleaning lady get fired?
Starting Monday, in the newsroom.
A press card, salary, everything.
[]
Your hand?
It's that bad out there?
Worse.
[GULPS]
[DOMINOS CLATTERING]
Well, I got a job.
I guess I can be happy about that.
I don't see what you're
so happy about.
My father's gonna tell you to drop
your pants in front of the world
and you're gonna do it.
He treats people like nothing.
Didn't you read our paper?
I can see it now. Headline:
"Jack Brown Sold Out Today
to U.S. Bates, as Expected."
You want me to stare to death?
You think I can feed myself
on high ideas and principles? I can't!
I thought you were world-class.
Your head is in this American dream,
but it doesn't work for me.
Things like truth, justice
and the American way
just do not work for me, okay?
It's a grown-up world.
I'm playing grown-up games.
You could've come
to Houston with me.
As what, man, your toy?
No, as my friend.
Damn, man. I am your friend, Eric.
[SIRENS WAILING]
It's the senator!
Senator Newcomb. Congratulations!
WOMAN:
Senator Newcomb!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Senator Newcomb.
Oh.
Who's that?
Angela. Jesus H. Christ!
Is that her whole name?
Greetings, senator! Greetings!
Oh, U.S., it's so good to see you.
You remember Terry Gay?
I sure do.
My secretary.
You look good enough to eat.
Say, what is all this?
I think it's the orchestra.
Come on in. Party's in the back.
Senator, darling.
Oh, God. My wife. Ha-ha-ha.
ANGELA:
We're not getting back in the bus.
We are here to protest.
Now, we can legally protest.
We are... Mr. Morehouse?
You're Mr. Brown's...
Did you know he's raising money
for the KKK fund?
Angela! Angela!
The auction is tomorrow!
Let me talk to you.
What are you doing here?
MAN:
What's going on?
Where you going?
You know what you're doing?
Somebody could get hurt.
I'm trying to help.
You're not helping.
They're raising money for the KKK.
If you ever loved me, trust me.
I can take care of it. This is Eric.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. You better be right.
I'll be right.
You'd better be right.
Let's go back. Let's get in the van.
MAN:
Get in the van. Let's go.
[HUMMING]
Hi. Heh, heh, heh.
MAN:
Nobody throws a garden party
like U.S. and Fancy Bates.
I want you to know I appreciate
you throwing this party for us.
Old Democrats don't normally
support us young Liberals.
Now, senator,
we agreed to keep this
under our hat, remember?
If they knew this
was a fundraiser,
we'd be here alone.
We wouldn't want that, would we?
Pardon me.
You remember my buddy
and fellow Klan member, Clancy.
Hi, how are you? Good to see you.
The Klan really appreciates
what you're doing.
These Democrats don't normally
support us in the open.
Now, Clarence,
we agreed to keep that
under our hat, remember?
If they knew this was a fundraiser,
we'd be all alone.
Hey, come on over
and meet the senator.
Senator! Meet a friend of mine
by the name of Clarence.
This is the senator. Photographer!
How do you do, sir? it's a pleasure.
Take a little picture of these two.
And make it good.
ERIC:
Hang on to your seat!
Hi, Dad!
What are you doing here,
you asshole?
Playing with your son.
The question is,
what the hell are you doing here?
You're fired!
Senator, you know who you're
taking a picture with?
NEWCOMB:
No. Who?
The Grand Wizard
of the Ku Klux Klan.
Uh... I didn't know.
That'll surprise a lot of your voters.
He's gonna get a lot of mileage
out of that picture. Ain't you?
You're fired.
You in trouble with the FCC
or the IRS or the FBI, Mr. Bates?
[CHUCKLES]
He doesn't know what he's talking
about. Music! Everybody dance.
Ha-ha-ha.
ERIC: Let's get him!
Holy shit!
JACK:
Whoo!
ERIC:
Hang on!
Go for the tents!
ERIC: I'll get the other side!
JACK:
Get the tents!
JACK:
Duck, you suckers!
Senator...
Later, Bates.
Fair-weather-friend bastard.
I thought I told you to dance!
Yes, sir!
Don't jump her.
Just dance!
ERIC: Let's get them again!
JACK: Let's go back for another try.
Here they come again!
ERIC: Do your thing, Jack!
ERIC: Whoa!
All right, war has been declared!
Oh!
MAN: You show them, Jack!
Angela!
Angela, this is for you!
[ALL LAUGH]
[SCREAMING]
What's the matter?
I'm in the back.
Hang on, wizard!
I'm taking you to Oz.
CLARENCE:
Let me off this thing!
You want to get off here?
ERIC:
Way to go, Jack! All right!
Why, you...
You look like an Eskimo Pie.
No, I've got it. Al Jolson.
Jack, look out!
CLARENCE:
I'll give you an Eskimo Pie!
What's wrong with you?
Are you okay?
Everything okay?
ERIC:
Frulein and Fancy, this is for you!
Oh!
Hey! I've had enough of this.
Put that pie down!
I didn't throw the first pie.
All right, big man,
let's go.
Aah!
Eric!
Aah!
Eric! Eric!
Eric!
Ha-ha-ha.
Why, you nitwit!
[]
Uh-oh. Let's get out of here!
I'm moving it!
I'll get you!
You trying to kill the kid?
No! I'm trying to kill you.
Come on, Jack. Hurry up.
Hang on!
I'll get you!
There's no way to get away!
Can't you go faster? Ow!
I'm hurrying, Jack.
Jack, look out!
U.S.: You can't get away!
Look out! Aah!
No, no, no! Ah!
Holy cow! it works!
ERIC:
Daddy!
Jack, he's in trouble!
Jack!
But I can't swim!
[JACK SCREAMS]
[MUFFLED]
You dirty son of a bitch!
[MUFFLED]
What? I can't hear you, Mr. Bates.
Dad!
Come on, Jack, get him!
Daddy!
Daddy, are you okay?
Thank you, Jack.
Thank you.
[SCREAMS]
[WHIMPERING]
Mr. Bates, please don't shoot me!
[SOBBING]
Come in.
[WHIMPERING]
You saved my life.
So I guess I owe you one.
After what I did to your party,
I think we're even, okay?
You know,
that kid loves you.
He never loved me.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You ought to try talking to him.
Yeah, I talk to him.
But he won't talk to me.
Your son, he loves you.
You gotta hug him.
You mean, physically?
Mr. Bates, have you ever
let your son sit on your lap
and put your arms around him
and talk to him?
Pretend I'm Eric, you be Dad,
and I'm home for a week.
Dad, I haven't seen you
in a long time!
I wanna sit in your lap!
How you doing?
Are you crazy?
Yes, but trust me.
Come on, Dad, let's sit down!
Come on!
Pops, how you doing?
Boy, I had a great time all year.
I'll sit in your lap. How you doing?
Hug me. Come on.
Hug me. Say, "I love you."
I love you.
Say it.
I love you.
Say it louder.
I love you!
[GASPS]
U.S.
Oof.
U.S.?
You kinky little devil, you.
Ugh.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[]
ERIC:
Jack!
Eric, I want you
to understand something.
Whenever I drill an oil well,
buy a cable system,
open a store, it's for you.
When you grow up,
you'll control
South Central Louisiana.
And that's some trick.
Jack says life's about people,
not about your power.
[SCOFFS]
Jack hasn't got any power.
Of course it's people for him.
He has nothing else.
He says the most important
thing is friends.
I'm trying to talk to you, Eric.
He says you don't have
any friends. He says
you know two kinds of people:
Ones that owe you
and ones you owe.
All right,
I've heard enough about Jack.
That's it!
Eric, I'm trying. Give me a chance.
Hey, how about you and me
going to Europe together?
There's no reason for you
to go back to camp this summer.
We'll go to London, Paris, Rome.
Well, it might have been a nice trip.
Hello, Mr. Bates.
Good to see you.
How are things going?
The storm
is moving southwest,
so I don't think
there's any problem...
Mr. Bates! Eric!
Eric! Eric!
Jesus! Come on, follow that kid!
Put it on my dad's bill.
DRIVER: Okay, kid.
Eric, no.
No. Running away,
what is that?
I wanna stay with you, Jack.
No.
[]
I don't like this mean game
you're playing with your old man.
He's reaching out to you.
He's making an effort. You're not.
You're a better person than that.
Eric, give the man a break.
Please, Jack.
Come here, man.
I love you, Jack.
I love you too, Eric.
But I want you to do
what's right, man.
Jesus. You, your father and me
gotta be the strangest people
on earth.
You know that?
Hmm?
I want you to go and do what's right.
Hey, Eric.
If you love him and if you need him,
you gotta tell him so. Okay?
If ever two people needed each other,
it's you and your father.
You know...
he's right.
I do need you. And I love you.
I love you, Daddy.
I really love you.
I really love you.
Get in the car, son.
Jack?
You know that job I offered you?
On the newspaper?
It's for real.
You won't be sorry, U.S.
"You ass." You're allowed.
Next year,
he's gonna have two weeks.
One week with me,
one week with you.
All right!
Take it easy, Eric.
ERIC: See you later, Jack!
DRIVER:
To the airport, Mr. Bates?
ERIC: We're okay, us.
I'm okay. Me too.
ERIC:
All right, Jack, I'll see you next year.
Hey, Jack.
You got some rich friends.
That's all right, Roberts.
Mr. Brown!
You want to talk to me?
Oh, hi, Mr. Brown.
I don't know if you remember me.
I'm Honey Russell, the DA's wife.
We met at the Bates' party.
I want to talk to you a bit.
You're pulling me.
Yes.
Fancy and I were talking
the other day,
and she told me what a wonderful
job you've done on U.S.'s son.
Is it possible for you to come
and spend a few weeks with us,
and sort of help us
with our son, Eugene?
No. No.
Up yours, you mother!
Eugene!
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Brown!
Oh, God, he'll never do that... Oh.
No! No!
Mr. Brown, please!
[]