Tracey: ONE NIGH AT THE MUSIC BOX THEATRE
IN HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA,
I DECIDED TO TELL
MY LIFE STORY.
I'M TRACEY ULLMAN,
AND TONIGHT,
I'M LIVE AND EXPOSED!
( audience cheering )
YOU'VE BEEN AROUND
FOR SUCH A LONG TIME NOW
OH, BABY,
I COULD LEAVE YOU
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW
AND WHY SHOULD I
BE LONELY EVERY NIGHT
WHEN I CAN BE WITH YOU?
OH YES,
YOU MAKE IT RIGHT
AND I DON'T
LISTEN TO THE GUYS
WHO SAY
THAT YOU'RE BAD
FOR ME
AND I SHOULD
TURN YOU AWAY
'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW
ABOUT US
THEY'VE NEVER HEARD
OF LOVE
I GET A FEELING
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU
WHEREVER YOU GO NOW
I WANT TO BE THERE TOO
THEY SAY WE'RE CRAZY,
BUT I JUST DON'T CARE
AND IF THEY
KEEP ON TALKING
STILL THEY GET NOWHERE
SO I DON'T
MIND IF THEY DON' UNDERSTAND
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU
AND YOU HOLD MY HAND
'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW
ABOUT US
THEY'VE NEVER HEARD
OF LOVE
WHY SHOULD IT MATTER
TO US
IF THEY DON'T APPROVE?
WE SHOULD JUS TAKE OUR CHANCES
WHILE WE'VE GO NOTHING TO LOSE...
( audience cheering )
BABY
THERE'S NO NEED
FOR LIVING IN THE PAST
NOW I FOUND GOOD LOVE
AND GONNA MAKE IT LAST
I TELL THE OTHERS,
"DON'T BOTHER ME"
'CAUSE WHEN THEY
LOOK AT YOU
THEY DON'T SEE
WHAT I SEE
NO, I DON'T
LISTEN TO THEIR
WASTED LINES
GOT MY EYES WIDE OPEN
AND I SEE THE SIGNS
'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW
ABOUT US
THEY'VE NEVER HEARD
OF LOVE
NO, I DON'T
LISTEN TO THEIR
WASTED LINES
GOT MY EYES WIDE OPEN
AND I SEE THE SIGNS
'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW
ABOUT US
THEY'VE NEVER HEARD
OF LOVE.
( chuckles )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THANK YOU.
SO I GUESS
THIS IS HOW AMERICA
FIRST SAW ME,
SINGING MY "HIT..."
BUT MY TALENTS
WERE FIRST REVEALED
TO MY MOTHER
IN HER BEDROOM,
IN THE EARLY '60s,
IN ENGLAND.
NOW, MY DAD DIED
IN 1966,
AND IT WAS HORRIBLE,
AND WE DIDN'T TALK
ABOUT IT.
IT WASN'T LIKE AMERICA.
THERE WAS NO GRIEF
COUNSELING,
THERE WAS NO THERAPY,
YOU KNOW?
NO, IT WAS
NOTHING LIKE THAT.
HERE'S ME
THE YEAR IT HAPPENED.
Audience:
AWW.
OH, I LOOK
LIKE A TROLL!
I DO.
I LOOK LIKE A TROLL,
LIKE A LITTLE
TROLL IN MOURNING.
YEAH.
I REALLY WANTED
TO CHEER EVERYBODY UP.
SO AT NIGH I USED TO STAND
ON THE WINDOWSILL
IN MY MOTHER'S BEDROOM,
AND PUT ON A SHOW.
( whispering )
ARE YOU READY, MOMMY?
ARE YOU READY?
HELLO, EVERYBODY,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT THIS IS ME,
AND THIS IS MY SHOW
AND ON THE SHOW
WE HAVE TONIGHT...
EDITH PIAF!
( singing in French )
MY MOM WOULD GO,
"WOW, IT'S AMAZING!
SHE'S SINGING IN FRENCH.
SHE'S NEVER HAD A LESSON."
AND ALSO ON OUR SHOW
TONIGHT, MOMMY,
IS...
OUR NEIGHBOR,
MISS COX
IN HER WELLINGTON BOOTS.
( smacks lips )
ZUZU, ZUZU.
HAVE YOU SEEN
MY CAT, MRS. ULLMAN?
OH, MY FIANCE DIED
IN THE FIRST WORLD WAR,
AND I'M GOING
TO DIE A VIRGIN.
AND I ALWAYS HAVE
A DEWDROP
ON THE END OF MY NOSE
WHICH I WIPE OFF
WITH A GREY HANDKERCHIEF.
SEE, THIS IS MISS COX,
ONE OF MY FIRS CHARACTER STUDIES.
WHY DID I WAN TO IMITATE HER?
WHY DIDN'T I WANT TO BE
SOMEBODY GLAMOROUS?
OH, ALL RIGHT.
YES, MOMMY.
AND ALSO ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT...
DAME MARGO FONTAINE
( lisping )
WOULD LIKE TO DANCE
TO "CAST YOUR--"
I HAD A REALLY
BAD LISP AT THIS TIME--
( lisps )
"CAST YOUR FATE
TO THE WIND."
( record crackles )
( whimsical piano
music plays )
( grunts, pants )
( rock music plays )
YAH, YAH!
AM I TALENTED, MOMMY?
AM I CHEERING YOU UP?
MOMMY, MOMMY, LOOK,
I CAN DO THE SPLITS!
MOMMY, LOOK,
I CAN DO THE SPLITS!
- LOOK, MOMMY!
- ( audience cheering,
applauding )
- ( record skipping )
- OH, NO! OH, NO!
OH...
NO, MOM, NO.
- OH, OH...
- ( record stops )
NO, MOMMY, MOMMY,
PLEASE, I DON'T WAN TO GO TO BED YET.
DON'T MAKE ME GO TO BED.
CAN I DO YOUR HAIR?
CAN I DO YOUR HAIR?
I KNOW, MOMMY, MOMMY,
I'LL DO IMPERSONATIONS.
HOW ABOUT, MOMMY,
EVA GABOR
FROM "GREEN ACRES"
WHEN SHE GOES,
"OH, DARLING,
WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO WITH ALL THIS LAND?"
OR MOMMY, MOMMY!
ANNA MAGNANI!
YOU KNOW,
I WANT A HORSE.
YOU KNOW? I WANT A HORSE,
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW?
MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY!
JULIE ANDREWS.
BUT CAPTAIN,
THEY'RE JUST CHILDREN.
MOM--
BED, GO TO BED.
SO...
I'D STAND IN FRON OF THE MIRROR
AND TALK TO MYSELF
UNTIL I FELL ASLEEP,
YOU KNOW?
I'D INTERVIEW MYSELF
AS WOMEN
WITH PROBLEMS,
LIKE WOMEN--
( chuckles )
WOMEN IN DOCUMENTARIES
WHO HAD THREE KIDS,
AND CHAIN-SMOKED,
AND HUSBANDS IN PRISON
THAT HIT THEM, YOU KNOW?
I'LL BE LIKE IN FRON OF THE MIRROR GOING,
( in deep voice )
"YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW...
IT'S NOT EASY
SINCE DARREN WEN INTO PRISON.
MY EYES AREN' BLACK ANYMORE,
BUT THE TWINS,
KELLY AND WAYNE,
YOU KNOW,
THEY DON' STOP CRYING.
( yells )
SHUT UP, KELLY!
SHUT UP, KELLY!
AND THERE'S FUNGUS
IN THE BABY'S CRIB.
YEAH YEAH,
THE CAMERA CAN SEE IT.
AND WE'VE GOT RATS
IN THIS APARTMENT,
THAT HAVE GIVEN US
THE BUBONIC PLAGUE.
NO, I'M NOT JO--
- AND THEN I'D HEAR...
- Mother: TRACY, STOP TALKING
TO YOURSELF!
SHUT UP!
GO TO BED!
BUT I LOVE
TALKING TO MYSELF!
WHAT ELSE COULD I DO,
YOU KNOW?
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS,
'CAUSE I HATED
BEING A KID,
MY DAD HAD DIED,
AND THEN MY MOM
WENT AND MARRIED
A REALLY HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE MAN
WHO DROVE A TAXI
AT NIGHT.
HE HAD A STICKY-FINGERED
SON,
AND HE SMOKED CIGARS
IN THE TOILET.
OOH! THE SMELL
WAS TERRIBLE!
AGAIN,
THERE'S NO THERAPY,
THERE'S NO COUNSELING
OVER THE WHOLE
SITUATION.
SHE JUST MARRIED
THE MANIAC.
THERE WAS A NEW PERSON
IN HER BED NOW.
AND I COULDN'T DO
MY NIGHTLY PERFORMANCE
ANYMORE.
Audience:
AWW-WW.
I WAS NINE YEARS OLD,
AND MY SHOW HAD BEEN
CANCELED.
ALL MY FAMILY DID
WAS DRINK.
YEAH.
NOW IT'S
ALL LIKE, "OOH...
WHAT CAN WE DO
WITH THE KIDS
THIS WEEKEND?
HOW CAN WE SHOW THEM
THEY'RE SPECIAL?"
ALL WE EVER HEARD
WAS THE WHACK
OF THE ICE CUBE TRAY
- ( ice crackling )
- AS THEY MIXED MORE
VODKA AND ORANGE JUICE,
AND US KIDS WERE TOLD
TO GO OUT AND PLAY.
"OH, GO OUT AND PLAY!"
I WORE WHITE HOT PANTS
AT THIS TIME.
( laughs )
IT'S A BIT OF AN EARLY
CAMEL TOE HERE,
LET'S FACE IT.
( laughs )
IT IS.
IT'S POSITIVELY LABIAL,
LET'S BE HONEST.
AND I STILL LOOK
LIKE A TROLL,
BUT I WAS
A TROLL WITH TRIANGULAR
ADOLESCENT BREASTS.
LOOK, THE LITTLE
TRIANGULARS
STARTING UP HERE,
LOOK. YEAH.
I THOUGHT,
"OH, NOTHING WONDERFUL
IS GOING TO HAPPEN
TO ME OR MY BREASTS.
AND THEN...
( chuckles )
ONE DAY
SOMETHING HAPPENED
TO GIVE ME HOPE.
WE WERE SELLING
OUR HOUSE BY THE RIVER,
AND THIS REALLY NICE
MIDDLE-CLASS LADY
AND HER HUSBAND
KNOCKED ON THE DOOR,
AND SHE ASKED
IF THEY COULD
LOOK AROUND,
AND I SAID,
"OOH, WELL...
I DON'T THINK IT'S
CONVENIENT RIGHT NOW,
BECAUSE MY PARENTS
ARE BUSY
THROWING THEMSELVES
UP AGAINST THE WALL
IN A DRUNKEN RAGE.
SO, ANYWAY,
AS I'M SHUTTING THE DOOR,
THE WOMAN GASPED
AND SHE SAID,
"OH, MY DEAR!"
SHE SAID,
"DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING?"
SHE SAID,
"YOU HAVE A STAR
ABOVE YOUR HEAD."
WHAT?!
AND SHE SAID,
"FORGIVE ME, FORGIVE ME,
I'M A PSYCHIC,
AND I KNOW
THESE THINGS,"
SHE SAID, "AND YOU ARE
GOING TO BE VERY FAMOUS,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SUCCESSFUL IN AMERICA."
( chortles )
MY GOD! REALLY,
IT WAS AMAZING.
AND THEN MY STEPBROTHER
SAID, "WHAT ABOUT ME?"
SHE SAID,
"OH, YOU'LL HAVE
A MORE DIFFICULT FUTURE
AHEAD OF YOU, DEAR.
YOU'LL GET A GIRL
PREGNANT WHEN YOU'RE 15,
LIVE IN A TRAILER PARK,
AND PASS ON YOUR
FLAT-FOOTEDNESS TO YOUR
UNBORN CHILD,
AND NO,
IT'S THE GIRL
WITH THE STAR
ABOVE HER HEAD."
( chortles )
IT'S MY STAR!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU,
NICE CLAIRVOYANT LADY,
WHOEVER YOU WERE,
AND WHEREVER YOU ARE NOW,
THANK YOU FOR GIVING
A YOUNG ADOLESCENT TROLL
WITH A GIF FOR MIMICRY...
HOPE!
AND THEN SOMETHING ELSE
HAPPENED TO GIVE ME HOPE.
I HAD THIS BRILLIAN HEADMASTER
AT STEPGATE COUNTY
PRIMARY SCHOOL CALLED
RONALD HARDING.
AND HE THOUGH I WAS SUCH A STANDOU IN MY SCHOOL PRODUCTIONS
THAT I SHOULD TRY OU FOR A SPECIAL SCHOOL.
I THOUGHT HE MEANT A PLACE
FOR JUVENILE DELINQUENTS
BUT HE MEAN A PERFORMING ARTS ACADEMY.
OOH! I IMAGINED
ALL THESE TALENTED KIDS
SINGING,
DANCING, ACTING,
WEARING LEOTARDS,
CARRYING THE COMPLETE
WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE,
BREAKING INTO FABULOUS
SPONTANEOUS DANCE ROUTINES
IN THE HALLWAYS,
A LA "FAME"...
WHILE DOING
"RICHARD III."
THE ITALIA CONTI
STAGE SCHOOL
WAS NOT REALLY
LIKE THAT.
( reggae music plays )
IT WAS IN A SOUTH LONDON
HELLHOLE CALLED
CLAPHAM NORTH.
GANGS SHOT AT US
FROM THE BALCONIES
OF THEIR GOVERNMEN HOUSING BLOCKS.
- HEY--
- ( gunshot )
( gasping )
OH, NO,
VIVIAN'S DOWN!
( gasps )
SHE'S BLEEDING
THROUGH HER TUTU.
VIVIAN, VIVIAN, PLEASE,
TRY AND MAKE IT.
- ( siren blaring )
- THE AMBULANCE IS COMING.
AND THE CHILDREN
WHO WENT TO ITALIA CONTI
WEREN'T NECESSARILY
TALENTED,
BUT THEIR MOTHERS
TOLD THEM THEY WERE.
THAT'S MORE DANGEROUS
THAN THE GANGS.
THEY WERE ALL LIKE,
"MY BENITA'S GOT LONGER LEGS
THAN YOUR PETRINA.
YES. SHE'S BEEN
IN A BARBIE COMMERCIAL,
THE JAMMY DODGER
COOKIE CAMPAIGN,
AND SHE DOUBLED FOR THE GIRL
IN 'CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG,'
WHEN THE CAR WEN OVER THE CLIFF."
AND THE AUDITIONS
THEY SENT US ON-- UGH!
IT WAS LIKE
CATTLE CALLS FOR KIDS.
WE USED TO GET LINED UP
ON LONDON'S WEST END STAGES,
AND THEY'D DO REVIVALS
( chortles )
OF "FLOWER DRUM SONG"
AND "SEVEN BRIDES FOR
SEVEN BROTHERS,"
AND, ETHNICALLY,
I FIT INTO NOTHING.
THERE'S NO MUSICALS
ABOUT YOUNG TROLLS,
ARE THERE?
INSENSITIVE DIRECTORS
PICKED US KIDS OU FROM THE LINEUP.
"OKAY, YOU STEP FORWARD,
YOU STEP FORWARD,
AND YOU."
( pants )
HE POINTED RIGHT AT ME,
THE DUSKY TROLL ALL IN BLACK.
I TOOK HALF A STEP FORWARD,
AND HE SAID,
"NO NO NO NO!
NOT YOU, NOT YOU!
THE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL
NEXT TO YOU."
OH.
UGH, IT WAS SO PAINFUL!
I'LL NEVER FORGE THE HUMILIATION,
YOU HORRIBLE '70s
WITH YOUR CLIPBOARD
AND YOUR BULGY
STUFFED WILLY!
AND I THOUGHT,
IS THIS WHA IT'S ALL ABOUT?
DO YOU HAVE TO BE
BLONDE AND GIRLIE
AND HAVE THE FRECKLES
AND A SNUB NOSE
AND ACT THE COQUETTE
IN SHOW BUSINESS?
( screams )
WELL, YES!
MY BEST FRIEND ROSEMARY
WAS BLONDE.
SHE GOT A LO MORE ATTENTION.
YEAH, SHE HAD
A LOVELY BEDROOM ALL
FULL OF DESIGNER CLOTHES,
AND HER LEOTARD
NEVER GOT STUCK
IN THE CRACK OF HER BUM
WHEN SHE DID A PLIE.
BUT MINE IS LIKE--
IS GOING IN AND OUT.
IT--
( gulps )
IT DIGESTED IT.
YOU COULD HEAR IT!
UGH.
SO...
I STAYED FOUR YEARS
AT CONTI'S.
I GREW REALLY
ANTI-BLONDE,
AND I SMOKED
IN THE TOILETS,
- ( billiard balls clack )
- AND I PLAYED POOL
IN THE PUB NEXT DOOR.
I JUST LAUGHED
AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.
( sniggers )
DO YOU SEE HER?
SHE'S BLONDE.
STUPID BITCH,
STUPID BITCH.
SHE'S GOT SPOTS,
SHE'S GOT SPOTS.
GIVE US A SWIG O'
OF BEAR, MATE.
SUDDENLY,
ALL MY FRIENDS
HAD LEFT SCHOOL,
AND I WAS IN THE PUB
ON ME OWN.
BLOODY 'ELL.
I'M 16.
IT'S TIME TO GET A JOB.
Man:
TIME, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT.
SO--
( audience cheering )
OH, YEAH.
( laughs )
ME AT 16.
LOOK-- OH, GOD.
I COULD DANCE IN A SOR OF SEMI-PROFESSIONAL
WAY BY THEN--
BALLET, JAZZ TAP,
I GAVE IT PLENTY.
I COULDN'T ROLLER-SKATE,
I MUST ADMIT.
( laughs )
THEY WERE JUS A FUN YOUNG PROP.
SO, MY RIGHT LEG'S STIFF--
WAS STIFF,
BUT MY LEFT, WELL...
( audience cheering )
THAT COULD
KNOCK ME OUT.
SO I PULLED
MY LEG WARMERS UP,
I APPLIED
A TON OF LIP GLOSS,
AND I AUDITIONED
DANCE SHOW.
- OKAY.
- ( slow piano
music plays )
( whispers )
HI. I'M SORRY.
( softly )
OH FUCK.
NOT AS MANY PEOPLE HERE
AS I THOUGHT.
Man:
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT...
- ( upbeat piano
music plays )
- THE OTHER GIRLS
AREN'T REALLY
THAT GOOD LOOKING
AND KICK ON THE LEFT,
AND I MAKE UP FOR I IN PERSONALITY,
SMILE, SHAKE, AND LEAP.
( giggles )
OH, HE'S TELLING ME
TO STEP FORWARD,
THE GOOD-LOOKING
GERMAN GUY--
I WONDER WHY
HE'S GERMAN.
AND PULL YOUR LEOTARD
OUT OF YOUR BUM.
AND YES! IT'S JUST ME
AND ANOTHER GIRL
AND THE GAY GUY WHO'S GO MORE LIP GLOSS ON THAN ME!
WHOO!
OOH!
YES, I'VE GOT IT,
YES, I'VE GOT IT!
YES, I'M OFF
TO BERLIN!
( music stops )
BERLIN?!
( German anthem plays )
NO NO!
I CAN'T GO
TO WEST BERLIN
WITH 20 HOMOSEXUALS
AND PERFORM
THE MUSICAL "GIGI"
IN GERMAN.
NO NO NO,
I'M ONLY 16.
WILL MY MOM
LET ME GO?
STEP, BALL CHANGE,
SHUFFLE.
OH, SHE'S LETTING ME GO!
OH, CONTRACT, RELEASE.
NO NO NO,
DON'T LET ME GO!
PUT DOWN YOUR DRINKS
AND PROTECT ME!
MOMMY, IT'S GERMANY.
THEY ATTACKED US TWICE!
MY STEPDAD'S LIGHTING
A CELEBRATORY CIGAR.
( music playing )
OH.
( singing in German )
BERLIN IS FANTASTIC.
THE WALL IS UP.
EVERYTHING IS SO
DANGEROUS AND DECADENT.
I'M EARNING
LOTS OF MONEY.
I GE MY EARS PIERCED.
SCHEISSE!
( disco music playing )
AFTER THE SHOW,
ME AND MY FRIEND,
WE GO OUT TO THESE
CLUBS, RIGHT?
WE GO DANCING
TILL 7:00 IN THE MORNING.
HEY, WHOOP-WHOOP!
WHOOP-WHOOP!
( giggles )
OH, GOD, OUR LANDLADY'S
AN OLD NAZI.
SIEG HEIL, MUTTER!
YEAH, WELL, WHAT WAS
YOUR HUSBAND DOING
FROM 1939 TO 1945?
( mock German accent )
"HE WAS A SKI INSTRUCTOR.
OH, JA, JA."
WHAT, THE WHOLE WAR?
"JA, JA, THE WHOLE WAR."
OH, NO!
SHE'S FOUND OU MY ROOMMATE'S JEWISH.
"NEIN JUDEN!"
WE'RE BEING THROWN OU ON THE STREET!
ACHTUNG, ACHTUNG,
RECHT-RECHT-LINKS!
WE FIND
A BETTER PLACE.
WE MEE AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
MMM, HELLO, HELLO.
SCHEISSE!
DARREN AND CHUCK
ARE GAY TOO!
EVERYBODY IN BERLIN
IS GAY.
( disco music playing )
WHOOP-WHOOP!
JA! DAS IS DAS DISKO-TANZEN, JA!
DANKE SHON, BERLIN,
MEIN LIEBLING,
FANTASTISCH!
WHOO!
GIGI CLOSED,
NATURLICH...
SO BACK TO LONDON,
BACK TO AUDITIONING.
I NEED ANOTHER JOB.
- Man: FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN, EIGHT.
- TURN AND SMILE...
( upbeat piano music
playing )
MOVE FORWARD
AND COME TO THE FRONT.
PUSH THE OTHER GIRLS
OUT OF THE WAY,
AND YES, HE'S POINTING--
I THINK HE'S POINTING--
OF COURSE,
HE'S POINTING AT ME!
YES! YES!
OH, THIS TIME
I REALLY AM OFF
TO A BRITISH SEASIDE RESORT--
BLACKPOOL.
( audience applauds )
YOU KNOW THE TRAGEDY
COMING UP. YOU KNOW!
16 WEEKS
ON ENGLAND'S RIVIERA
WITH TV STAR
LES DAWSON.
- WOW!
- ( thunder rumbling )
( rain pattering )
( show music playing )
16 WEEKS OF RAIN
AND GREY SKIES.
PEOPLE ON THEIR HOLIDAYS
IN PLASTIC RAIN HATS
HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME.
SUDDENLY,
14 WEEKS INTO THE RUN,
IT HAPPENED.
( gasps )
THE SUN CAME OUT!
SPIN, SPIN!
LEAP, TWIRL, STRIP!
OH, GOD,
THE DANCERS RAN
TO THE BEACH.
WE PONIED TO THE BEACH.
WE FLASH FRIED
OURSELVES.
BURN, BABY, BURN!
WHOO, GOD,
I TAN LIKE A PAKISTANI!
WE STAYED ON THE BEACH
AS LONG AS WE COULD,
AND THEN I RAN
BACK TO THE THEATER
WITH FIVE MINUTES TO SPARE,
JUMPED IN THE SHOWER,
PUT ON
MY FAKE EYELASHES,
MY PINK CHIFFON
OUTFIT,
AND MY SHEER
PANTYHOSE,
AND THEN
THE VOICE SAID,
( deep voice )
"DANCERS ON STAGE
FOR THE OPENING NUMBER,"
AND I RAN OU TO MEET MY GAY GAY
GAY PARTNER.
( show music playing )
OFF WE WENT,
SUN-KISSED AND YOUNG.
AS WE TWIRLED
AND SNAPPED OUR FINGERS,
I FELT LIGHT AND AIRY
AND FANCY-FREE.
OF COURSE I DID.
I HAD NO BLOODY
PANTIES ON!
AND THE CARTWHEEL
LIFT'S COMING UP,
AND I'M A BRUNETTE!
NO!
YOU CAN'T TWIRL ME
IN THE AIR
'CAUSE I'VE GOT ON
NO UNDERWEAR
I'VE GOT NO PANTIES ON
- NO WHAT?
- NO PANTIES!
- GOT NO WHAT?
- NO PANTIES!
- WHAT?
- NO PANTIES!
- WHAT?
- ARE YOU STUPID?!
YOU CAN'T TWIRL ME
IN THE AIR
OR YOU WILL SEE
MY PUBIC HAIR
NO NO NO,
YOU CAN'T TWIRL ME!
NO NO NO,
YOU CAN'T TWIRL ME!
YOU CAN'T TWIRL ME!
AHH-HH!
( saxophone plays
wolf whistle )
THE GUY IN CHARGE
WAS IN THE AUDIENCE
THAT NIGHT.
Audience:
OOH.
AND HE-- OOH.
AND HE--
HE, ALONG WITH A FEW
HUNDRED
WITH FIRST-DEGREE SUNBURN,
THEY GOT A RIGH BLOODY EYEFUL.
ENDED MY DANCING YEARS--
FINISHED.
THE NO-PANTY CLAUSE
IS STRICTLY UPHELD
IN THE DANCE WORLD.
BUT YOU KNOW,
I DIDN'T REALLY WAN TO DANCE ANYMORE ANYWAY.
I WASN'T EARNING
ANY MONEY,
THERE WERE NO
STRAIGHT GUYS,
AND MY RIGHT LEG
HAD NEVER REALLY WORKED.
OH, NO, I'M NO DOING THAT.
SO, I JUST WANTED TO GE A NICE 9:00-TO-5:00 JOB--
A RESPECTABLE JOB
IN AN OFFICE, YEAH?
AND I'D MEE A NICE YOUNG MAN
IN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT,
AND I'D GIVE HIM
BABIES,
AND I'D WALK
AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD
WITH A STAR OVER MY HEAD.
COME ON, STAR,
COME ON.
( typewriter clacking,
phone ringing )
HELLO, MISS ULLMAN,
I'M KAY CLARK.
I'M ASSISTAN SUPERVISOR...
- ( audience cheering )
- IN PAPER DISTRIBUTION.
ASSISTANT SUPERVISOR
IN PAPER DISTRIBUTION
FOR MY SINS.
( sniggers )
OH, YES.
I THINK YOU'LL FIND THE WORK
HERE VERY INTERESTING.
PAPER COMES
IN SO MANY SHAPES,
SIZES AND DENSITIES.
OH, YES, IT'S MARVELOUS.
IT REALLY IS.
WE VISITED THE MILL
IN FELIXTOWE LAST YEAR...
( clears throat )
AND THE SMELL
OF THE PULP--
VERY VERY INSPIRING,
YES, OH, YES.
- ( phone rings )
- OH, EXCUSE ME, DEAR,
YES, THANK YOU.
YES, KAY CLARK'S
EXTENSION.
OH, HELLO, MOTHER.
YES, HOW ARE YOU, DEAR?
YES YES YES.
DID THE NURSING
AIDE ARRIVE? YES.
OH, YES, YOU LIKE WAYNE,
DON'T YOU?
IT'S INDIRA YOU THREW
THE BEDPAN AT.
OH, NO, MOTHER,
NO NO, DEAR.
YOU MUSTN'T TAKE
THE CATHETER OUT YOURSELF.
NO, BECAUSE IT WILL GE INFECTED AGAIN, MOMMY.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
THE LAST TIME-- A LO OF KERFUFFLE.
NO, DEAR,
THERE'S FRESH TUBING
IN THE KIDNEY BOWL
BY THE SHUNT.
YES, THE--
( yells )
THE SHUNT, DEAR.
YES, THE SHUNT.
YES, ALL RIGHT.
I HAVE TO GO, MOMMY,
'CAUSE I HAVE SOMEBODY
WITH ME.
( chuckles )
YES.
NO.
NO, NOT DEREK.
WE BROKE UP, REMEMBER?
YES.
YES, HE WAS
A DISGUSTING MAN
WITH DESIGNS
ON MY NETHER REGIONS,
YES, HE WAS, YES.
NO, YOU WERE RIGHT, MOTHER.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
( quietly )
NO, I'D NEVER
LEAVE YOU, DEAR.
NO, DEAR.
NO.
NO, OF COURSE,
YOU'RE MY LIFE.
YOU ARE MY LIFE, DEAR.
YES, I-I--
( clears throat )
I'LL BE HOME
AS SOON AS I CAN, MOTHER.
THAT'S RIGHT, DEAR.
( chuckles )
IT'S MY DISABLED
MOTHER, TRACEY.
OH, SHE'S MARVELOUS,
YOU KNOW?
SHE'S REALLY--
SHE'S A FIGHTER.
AND SHE'S AN INSPIRATION
TO THE COMMUNITY,
AND JUST--
( screams )
AND I WANT HER TO DIE!
UM...
OH!
OH, DEAR.
OH, DEAR.
OH, I MUSTN'T--
OH, DEAR.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
- MUSTN'T CRUMBLE, EH?
- ( rattling )
OOH.
( clears throat )
THERE'S ELSIE
WITH THE TEA TROLLEY.
BETTER GO.
ALL THOSE CUSTARD CREAMS
WILL GET SNAPPED UP.
( sniggers )
YES, THAT'S ANOTHER PERK
HERE, TRACEY,
THE TEA
AND CUSTARD CREAMS.
OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE
VERY HAPPY WITH US, YES.
IN ANOTHER 10-15 YEARS,
YOU MIGHT GET MY JOB.
( sniggering )
OH, I COULDN'T STAY
WITH KAY
IN THE PAPER
MARKETING FIRM.
IT WAS THE MOST BORING JOB
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
OH, I'D END UP
LIKE KAY, WOULDN'T I?
WITH A POLYESTER
COVERED VAGINA.
OH, UGH, NO.
BUT I NEVER FORGOT KAY.
I NEVER FORGOT KAY,
AND LIKE MISS COX,
SHE GOT STORED
IN MY SPINSTER FILE, YEAH.
BUT I THOUGHT,
BLOODY HELL,
I'M GOING TO GIVE
SHOW BUSINESS ANOTHER GO,
ACTING, THIS TIME.
NOW, I'D HEARD
THAT THEY WERE AUDITIONING
AT LONDON'S ROYAL COUR THEATRE
FOR AN IMPROVISED PLAY
ABOUT CLUB ACTS,
AND THE ACTORS
WERE GOING TO BE ALLOWED
TO MAKE UP THE LINES
AND THE CHARACTERS
THEMSELVES.
WELL, THAT'S
BRILLIANT FOR ME.
ALL MY YEARS OF TALKING
TO MYSELF IN FRON OF THE MIRROR
WERE ABOUT TO PAY OFF.
- ( jazz music plays )
- SO, I WENT ALONG
AND I SANG THIS SONG,
AND I IMPROVISED
THE ROLE OF BEVERLY,
A BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN
CHANTEUSE.
MIKE, GIVE I TO ME, DOLL.
NOTHING YOU CAN SAY
CAN TEAR ME AWAY
- FROM MY GUY
- My guy
NOTHING YOU CAN DO
'CAUSE I'M STUCK LIKE GLUE
- TO MY GUY
- My guy
I'M STICKING TO MY GUY
LIKE A STAMP TO A LETTER
LIKE BIRDS OF A FEATHER,
WE...
STICK TOGETHER
I'M TELLING YOU
FROM THE START, I CAN' BE TORN APART
FROM MY GUY...
OH...
OOH, I LOVE MOVING
MY HANDS LIKE BEVERLY.
PLAYING
WITH THE MICROPHONE WIRE,
WINKING AT FELLOWS
IN THE AUDIENCE,
SWAYING MY HIPS,
FEELING INCREDIBLY DUMB
AND LOVING JESUS.
DO YOU LOVE JESUS?
JESUS LOVES YOU;
HE'S IN YOUR BEER.
I GAVE MY GUY
MY WORD OF HONOR
TO BE FAITHFUL
AND I'M GONNA
YOU'D BEST BE BELIEVING
I WON'T BE DECEIVING
MY GUY
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
THERE'S NOT A MAN TODAY
WHO CAN TAKE ME AWAY
FROM MY GUY.
AND THAT GUY IS JESUS!
IT'S JESUS!
OH, THANK YOU,
YOU'RE LOVELY.
YOU'RE LOVELY,
YOU REALLY ARE.
OH,
I WAS A BIG HI IN THAT PLAY.
IT WAS MY BIG BREAK--
REALLY BIG BREAK.
I GOT THE
"BEST NEWCOMER" AWARD
FROM THE LONDON
THEATER CRITICS AND--
- ( audience cheers )
- YEAH, AND THE--
THE BBC OFFERED ME
A TELEVISION VARIETY
COMEDY SHOW--
- Woman: OH, YEAH?
- CALLED "THREE OF A KIND."
YEAH YEAH.
WITH, UM, A BLACK GUY
AND A WHITE GUY...
- LENNY HENRY AND--
- Man in audience: YEAH!
YEAH!
AND DAVID COPPERFIELD.
- ( audience cheering )
- NO, NOT THE MAGICIAN.
I THINK PEOPLE
GET CONFUSED.
DAVID COPPERFIELD,
- ( audience laughing )
- YEAH YEAH, OH YEAH.
OH, YEAH!
IT'S NICE TO BE OFFERED--
YOU KNOW, "OOH,
A COMEDY SHOW,"
BUT AT THAT TIME
WEREN'T REALLY
ALLOWED TO BE FUNNY
ON TELEVISION.
I DIDN'T HAVE
ANY EXAMPLES.
I DIDN'T HAVE
A GILDA RADNER,
CAROL BURNETT,
LILY TOMLIN.
MY ONLY POINT OF REFERENCE
QUITE HONESTLY
WAS THE "BENNY HILL"
GIRLS.
LOOK AT THE CHARACTER
STUDY
THAT'S GONE INTO THIS.
LOOK, THEY HAD
TO WEAR BIKINIS,
AND THEY HAD BIG BOOBS--
AND CHASE HIM AROUND,
SO I THOUGHT,
"I KNOW!
WHY CAN'T I DO SKETCHES
WHERE I AM...
JENNY HILL...
AND TOUCH MEN'S BUMS
AT BUS STOPS?"
( "Benny Hill Show"
music playing )
YEAH!
YEAH, THAT SORT OF THING.
SO I WASN'T THE BUT OF A SEXUAL JOKE,
I'M THE CAUSE
OF A SEXUAL JOKE.
YEAH, IT'S GOOD.
THE BRITISH PUBLIC
DIDN'T SEEM TO WORRY ABOU MY LACK OF CLEAVAGE,
AND I CAUGHT ON.
I CAN'T SAY,
"WOW, THEY LIKE ME,"
AND YOU HAVE TO BE
SELF-DEPRECIATING.
YOU HAVE TO SAY
THINGS LIKE,
"UH, I DON'T KNOW
HOW THIS HAPPENED.
I'M TERRIBLE."
BUT ANYTHING I DID
AT THAT TIME JUST--
IT WAS JUST BRILLIANT,
I MEAN, LOOK AT MY STAR.
OH, BLOODY HELL.
OH OH.
OH, MY GOD.
OKAY, CALM DOWN.
WE DON'T WANT TO BLOW
ANY FUSES.
( sniggers )
KAY'D THINK THAT'S
REALLY FUNNY.
( mimics )
I LOVE THA SORT OF HUMOR.
SO, YEAH, I COULD JUS DO ANYTHING.
SO THE MUSIC THING
HAPPENED.
NOW WHERE WAS I?
I WAS AT THE HAIRDRESSER'S.
I DECIDED I NEEDED
A MORE '80s STYLE.
IT'S A BIT '70s,
THIS, ISN'T IT?
YEAH YEAH,
IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE,
ISN'T IT?
YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
I WANT SOMETHING
I CAN PUT A BI OF GEL IN.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
- WILL I--
- ( audience cheering )
SORT OF LIKE JOHN TAYLOR
FROM DURAN DURAN,
BUT THE FEMALE VERSION.
NOW AM I GOING TO BE ABLE
TO SCRUNCH-DRY THIS?
YOU'RE SURE?
YEAH, GET ME A CUP OF TEA
AND A "WOMAN'S WEEKLY."
SO--
AND A DIGESTIVE BISCUIT!
SO I'M AT THE HAIRDRESSER'S,
RIGHT?
AND I REMEMBER THIS WOMAN
LEANT OVER AND SHE SAID,
"MY HUSBAND'S GO A RECORD COMPANY
CALLED 'STIFF.'
DO YOU WAN TO MAKE A RECORD?"
I'M LIKE, "YEAH, SURE,
I'LL MAKE A RECORD.
I CAN DO ANYTHING
AT THIS MOMENT, DARLING.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY STAR?
YES, ABOVE THE SALON HERE,
MY STAR.
IT'S A BIG
BASTARD, ISN'T IT?
LOOK AT IT.
SO, I WENT ALONG
TO MEE THIS CHARISMATIC
IRISH RECORD EXECUTIVE
AT STIFF,
AND HE GAVE ME
THIS T-SHIRT.
IT'S PRETTY--
IT'S A PRETTY FORWARD BI MERCHANDISING, YOU KNOW?
STIFF WAS A REALLY
COOL LABEL, ACTUALLY.
THEY HAD PEOPLE
LIKE ELVIS COSTELLO,
DEVO, ROCKPILE,
MADNESS,
- NOW ME!
- ( pop music playing )
THANK YOU, LOVE.
IT'S MY
FIRST RELEASE.
NOW, WE HAD A THEORY
AT STIFF RECORDS
THAT FASTER WAS BETTER,
SO TAKE IT UP A BIT, BOYS,
TAKE IT UP A BIT.
- ( tempo increases )
- YEAH. YEAH, SEE?
YEAH.
EVEN MORE,
EASE IT UP A NOTCH,
UP A NOTCH.
- ( tempo increases further )
- YEAH, FASTER...
BETTER, YEAH.
THE MUSIC PRESS SAID
I SOUNDED LIKE MINNIE MOUSE
ON HELIUM.
I MADE MY RESERVATION
I'M LEAVING TOWN TOMORROW
I FOUND SOMEBODY NEW
AND THERE'LL BE
NO MORE SORROW
THAT'S WHAT I DO EACH TIME,
BUT I CAN'T FOLLOW THROUGH
I CAN'T BREAK AWAY
THOUGH YOU MAKE ME CRY
I CAN'T BREAK AWAY
I CAN'T SAY GOODBYE
NO, I'LL NEVER, NEVER
BREAK AWAY FROM YOU
NO NO NO NO-NO
NO NO NO NO-NO
NO NO NO NO-NO,
NO NO...
I LIP-SYNCHED MY WAY
AROUND EUROPE--
SWEDEN, GERMANY--
STILL GAY,
FRANCE, ITALY,
SPAIN.
I WAS #1 IN NORWAY
FOR EIGHT WEEKS,
GODDAMN IT!
EVEN THOUGH
YOU TREAT ME BAD
AND MANY CRUEL WORDS
ARE SPOKEN
YOU HAVE GOT A SPELL
ON ME
THAT JUST CAN'T BE BROKEN
NO NO...
THE FIRST TWO SINGLES
WERE GREAT, THEN THEY
GOT WORSE AND WORSE
AND THE OUTFITS BECAME
CRAZIER AND CRAZIER.
NO NO NO NO-NO
NO NO...
WHAT-- WHA WAS I THINKING?
NO NO NO-NO,
PUT IT BACK ON!
I WORE A LOT OF BOWS
IN MY HAIR AT THIS TIME.
I WAS DESCRIBED
AS "WACKY, STEAMY, ZANY."
I WAS GETTING
A BIT FED UP WITH IT,
ACTUALLY.
I REALLY HI ROCK BOTTOM
WHEN I WAS
ON A TOP-POP TYPE SHOW
IN HOLLAND,
AND THE HOST--
HE WAS A GUY WITH A RA ON HIS SHOULDER
AND A BIG POOFY HAIRSTYLE,
SAID TO ME,
"HEY, TRACY ULLMAN,
HELLO."
I SAID, "HELLO."
HE SAID,
"HA HA HA,
CRAZY AS EVER!"
( tempo increases
further )
NO NO.
NO NO NO.
- NO NO NO.
NO NO NO!
- ( music stops )
- ( music starts )
- NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO!
- ( music stops, starts )
- NO NO!
- ( music starts, stops )
- NO NO! NO MORE!
OH.
I SORT OF SNAPPED
THAT DAY.
( panting )
IT WAS SO BAD,
I TOOK MY BOW OFF.
TAKE THE BLOODY THING.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
TAKE IT OFF ME.
GO ON.
AND I TELL YOU
SOMETHING,
THAT BLOODY T-SHIR WAS ABOUT ALL
THAT CHARISMATIC
IRISH BASTARD GAVE ME.
'CAUSE WHERE WERE
MY SODDING ROYALTIES?
NOT A PFENNIG,
NOT A SOU,
NOT A DEUTSCHMARK,
NOT A GUILDER.
( yells )
BLOODY RECORD BUSINESS
ARE THIEVES!
YEAH!
SO...
IF I COULDN'T GE ANY EUROPEAN DOUGH,
I THOUGHT I'D TAKE
MY "HIT" OVER THE POND,
SO I FLEW TO NEW YORK.
( airplane engine
whirrs )
Announcer over P.A.:
Last call, British Airways
flight 291
to New York, JFK,
now boarding at gate 14.
Last call for British Airways
flight to New York.
ON THE WAY OVER,
THE CABIN CREW
TREATED ME LIKE ROYALTY.
AIRLINE STEWARDS HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN GOOD TO ME.
YEAH.
I LIKE THE ONES
THAT ARE KIND OF OLDER,
AND THEY REALLY KNOW
HOW TO SERVE.
YOU SEE THEM--
( laughing )
YEAH.
( deep voice )
YOU SEE THEM IN THE CABIN.
THEY'RE LIKE,
"GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.
WOULD YOU LIKE A COCKTAIL?
OF COURSE.
ICE WITH THAT?
MARVELOUS, SIR.
YES, JUST POP
YOUR SEATBELT ON?
JUST CLICK THE--
OH, THANK YOU."
AND THEN THEY GO BACK
INTO THE GALLEY
AND THEY SAY,
( effeminate voice )
"WELL, I'VE GOT A RIGH BITCH IN 3B."
THEY'RE ONLY
GAY IN THE GALLEY--
THE GALLEY GAYS.
WHEN THEY HAVE
A BIT OF A GOSSIP.
THEY SAY, "OOH,
YOU KNOW SHELLY,
ON THE SAN FRAN ROUTE?
SHE'S TRYING TO HAVE A BABY,
BUT HER OVARIES
ARE ALL DEHYDRATED
FROM THE ALTITUDE.
SHE SHOULD
ADOPT A CHINESE BABY
LIKE ME AND BARRY--
XIAN SHAO LING
FROM THE JIANGSU PROVINCE.
IF WE HADN'T ADOPTED HER,
THOSE VILLAGERS
WERE GOING TO STIR-FRY HER
WITH NOODLES AND GINGER.
PREPARE THE CABIN
FOR LANDING.
( deep voice )
PREPARE THE CABIN
FOR LANDING."
( upbeat jazz music
playing )
AH.
YEAH!
- NEW YORK!
- ( car horns honking )
WHEN YOU SEE THAT SKYLINE!
( grunts )
I ARRIVED IN NEW YORK.
IT WAS BRILLIANT.
AND I WAS MET.
A GIRL FROM THE RECORD
COMPANY MET ME,
AND IT WAS MY VERY FIRS NEW YORK JEW.
THIS GIRL WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
NEVER STOPPED TALKING.
"HI, YOU WANT EAT VIETNAMESE?
THAI? CHINESE? ITALIAN?
THIS IS NEW YORK,
I CAN GET YOU ANYTHING
YOU WANT.
FOR $60,000, I CAN GET YOU
A WHITE JEWISH BABY BOY."
PERSONALLY,
I'D RATHER HAVE A CAR,
YOU KNOW.
SO MY NEW BEST FRIEND
DECIDED SHE WAS GOING
TO TAKE ME TO A REAL
NEW YORK HOME--
DINNER
WITH HER PARENTS
ON LONG ISLAND.
LONG ISLAND, SO...
- ( audience cheering )
- IN THE LIMO--
IN THE LIMO,
ON THE WAY OUT THERE,
SHE SAID,
"MY MOTHER FERN'S
FIRST WORDS ARE
GOING TO BE,
( New York accent )
'WELCOME TO BALDWIN.'"
SHE WAS RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME
FOR A MOMENT.
( chuckles )
HOLD ON, IT'S WORTH IT.
( doorbell chimes
"Hava Nagila" )
OH...
( New York accent )
WELCOME TO BALDWIN!
TRACEY, TRACEY,
COME IN, COME IN,
COME IN.
OH, YOU'RE FROM EUROPE.
HARRY AND I,
WE LOVE EUROPE.
WE WENT TO SCOTLAND.
HARRY GOT THIS ADORABLE
LITTLE TAM O' SHANTER, AH!
BUT, TRACEY,
THE WATER PRESSURE--
NOT GOOD.
IT'S NOT GOOD.
IT'S A DRIBBLE,
YOU KNOW?
AND THE TOILETS--
THE TOILETS,
THEY DON'T FLUSH
WITH ENOUGH FORCE,
YOU KNOW?
AND WE EA A LOT OF FIBER.
YEAH, WE--
ARE YOU HUNGRY?
YOU LIKE EGGPLANT?
A LATKE? BOILED CANDY?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
TAKE, TAKE, PLEASE.
KATIE, HELP, COME ON.
HARRY, HARRY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE SIT--
DARLING, YOU WANT TO SEE
ANY SHOWS WHILE YOU'RE
IN THE CITY?
OH, YOU WANT TO SEE
"DREAMGIRLS"?
HARRY!
( chuckles )
HE SAYS, "WHO WANTS
TO SEE A SHOW WITH A LO OF SHVATZERS?"
NO. BUT TRACEY,
DARLING, LET'S FACE IT,
THE JEWS WERE SLAVES
IN EGYPT FOR 300 YEARS,
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
WE GOT OVER IT.
TRACEY, ARE YOU JEWISH?
WELL YOU'RE SO CLEVER,
YOU MUST BE.
AND ISN'T THA THE STAR OF DAVID
OVER YOUR HEAD, DARLING?
WE WENT TO ISRAEL
LAST YEAR.
OY! "EL AL"--
THE BEST.
YOU HAVE TO GO
THROUGH AN MRI MACHINE
TO GET THROUGH SECURITY.
UNBELIE--
KATIE!
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES
OR YOU'LL GET CANCER!
THEY JUST TOOK FELICE
INTO SINAI MEMORIAL,
OY, CHRIST!
THEY CUT HER OPEN,
THEY TOOK
ONE LOOK INSIDE,
THEY JUST SEWED HER
RIGHT BACK UP AGAIN.
WHAT A SHANDA!
BUT TRACEY--
HAPPIER THOUGHTS,
HAPPIER THOUGHTS.
MY DAUGHTER SHEILA,
SHE GOT MARRIED LAST MONTH.
YOU GOTTA SEE THE VIDEO.
HARRY, GET THE THING
WITH THE--
GET THE THING
WITH THE THING--
WE HAD CHOPPED LIVER
SWANS,
- YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
- ( "Hava Nagila" plays )
THAT WAS MY IDEA!
YOU KNOW THIS, TRACEY?
THEY DO THIS
IN ENGLAND, RIGHT?
YEAH, THIS IS THE WAY
TO LOSE WEIGHT,
I TELL YOU.
WHEN I'M IN BOCA,
I AQUACIZE WITH THE GIRLS.
STOP MY THIGHS
FROM GOING CONDO.
( laughs )
OH, BEAUTIFUL!
LOOK, SO BEAU--
( sniffs )
OY! OY, HARRY,
THE RUGELAGH'S BURNING!
HARRY, THE RUGELAGH'S BURNING!
GET THE CARROTS!
OY...
AS THEY WERE
ARGUING, DANCING,
AND LOVING EACH OTHER,
I GOT A CAB BACK
INTO THE CITY.
GOD, NEW YORK CAB DRIVERS
ARE SO DIFFEREN YOU KNOW?
THEY WERE FROM REALLY
STRANGE COUNTRIES
I'D JUST NEVER
HEARD OF.
YOU KNOW,
THE STAN COUNTIES,
AND THEY--
YEAH, THEY LOOK
LIKE THIS GUY.
I REMEMBER--
I REMEMBER GETTING
IN THIS GUY'S CAB,
OH, HE WAS SO ANGRY,
YOU KNOW?
AND THE SMELL--
THE SMELL OF THE AFTERSHAVE
AND HE LOOKED AROUND
AT ME AND SAID
( in deep voice )
"HEY, BABY, YOU LIKE SEX?
HUH HUH?"
YOU KNOW, RIGHT UP FRON LIKE THAT, AND I'M,
"WELL, I DON'T KNOW,"
JUST SITTING IN BACK
OF THE CAB.
AND HE SAID,
"YEAH, CHICKS REALLY LIKE ME,
I'M A CHICK MAGNET, HUH?"
AND IF HE HADN'T BEEN
BEHIND THE WHEEL,
I IMAGINE THA HE WOULD SORT OF
DANCE LIKE THIS--
THIS MUSIC IN HIS CAB.
- ( Middle Eastern
music plays )
- YEAH.
LIKE, "UH-UH-UH."
YOU KNOW?
LIKE, "PELVIC THRUSTING,
YOU KNOW?"
COME UP TO YOU
IN A CLUB AND "UH-UH-UH."
AND I'M SITTING THERE,
LOOKING AT THIS FELLOW,
AND ALL I'M THINKING IS,
"OOH, HOW CAN I
LOOK LIKE HIM?
WHAT WOULD IT TAKE
TO LOOK LIKE THIS BLOKE?"
HAIR!
LOTS OF HAIR!
YEAH
AND A LEATHER JACKET,
AND A MEDALLION,
AND, CONDOMS.
AND EVEN MORE...
HAIR HAIR HAIR.
"OOH, HUH, HUH...
THIS IS JUS THE GROIN REGION,
MY FRIEND, EH?
HUH, BABY, YEAH!"
AND THEN--
OOH, I NEED A...
PENIS PENIS PENIS,
LIKE I'VE GOT A PENIS--
YOU WANT A PENIS,
FUCKING CRAZY BITCH?
YES!
( giggles )
I REALLY DO.
I WANT A PENIS.
OH, YOU FUCKING
LET ME SHOW YOU
SOME OF THE PENISES--
IF I WORE A PENIS LIKE--
WHAT, YOU FUCKING
INSULT ME?
FUCKING INSULT ME WITH THIS,
YOU PIECE OF SHIT?
I PUSH YOU INTO THE SEA!
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!
OH, NO, DON'T WORRY,
THERE'S ANOTHER ONE--
"HEY-Y!
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT,
MY FRIEND!
THIS IS MORE LIKE IT,
MY FRIEND, MY FRIEND!
HEY, NOW YOU'RE TALKING
PENIS, MY FRIEND!"
EH, BABY!
CATCH!
YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE GOING TO GE VERY LUCKY TONIGHT.
( trills )
WHOO!
YEAH!
SO I LOVED AMERICA.
THERE WERE SO MANY
NEW PEOPLE FOR ME
TO IMITATE!
BRILLIANT!
I COULD IMITATE
ALL THESE NEW PEOPLE.
I WANTED TO STAY,
AND LUCKILY, I COULD,
BECAUSE AT THAT TIME
I MET AND MARRIED
A BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT MAN,
CALLED ALLAN McKEOWN.
AND...
NOT ONLY IS HE A COCKNEY
FELLOW IN THE STYLE
OF MICHAEL CAINE,
BUT HE ALSO HAPPENED
TO BE A BIG TV TYCOON.
AND HE HAD STEVEN
SPIELBERG'S OLD HOUSE
IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS,
AND HERE WE ARE,
GETTING MARRIED
IN OUR GARDEN.
LOOK AT HIM!
HE'S ALL NERVOUS,
'CAUSE I MADE HIM--
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SHOUTING.
I'M ALWAYS SHOUTING--
I MADE HIM
GIVE UP DRINK, DRUGS
AND PLAYBOY BUNNY GIRLS.
SO, HE'S LIKE--
YEAH, OUR BEST MAN SAID,
"BASICALLY, TRACEY
HAS RUINED ALAN'S LIFE."
I'M ALL RIGHT, THOUGH,
AIN'T I, AL?
HE ALWAYS SAYS,
"SHE'S A NICE LITTLE
EARNER, MY TRACE.
NICE LITTLE EARNER."
HE WAS GREAT.
SO I GOT MARRIED
AND I GOT AN AGENT,
ALL IN THE SAME WEEK.
IT'S HOLLYWOOD, ISN'T IT?
AND THEN I DID
WHAT A LOT OF ACTRESSES DO
WHEN THEY FIRST GET TO L.A.,
AND THERE'S A CHANCE
THEY MIGHT MAKE IT--
I GOT PREGNANT.
MY AGENT WAS NO AS THRILLED
AS I WAS.
SO I'M PREGNANT,
I'M SITTING
AROUND THE HOUSE,
AND OH,
I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD
I FELT LIKE
A BIG BLOB.
I LAY ON THE BED
AND I ATE A LOT,
AND I WATCHED A LO OF MORNING TELEVISION.
NOT MORNING-- EVEN WORSE,
MID-MORNING TELEVISION.
I WATCHED RERUNS
OF REALLY BAD '70s
TV SHOWS,
- LIKE THIS ONE.
- ( theme music playing )
THIS SORT OF SHOWS,
THEY'RE ALWAYS ON
AT 11:30 IN THE MORNING.
LOOK, THE ACTRESSES,
THEY'VE ALL GO THESE BIG ACRYLIC NAILS,
THEY ALL LOOK--
OH, GOD GOD GOD!
AND SHE'S GOT--
OH, GOD, LOOK!
OH, LOOK AT THE COLLAGEN.
LOOK, SOME COLLAGEN.
LOOK, I HAVE COLLAGEN
IN MY LIPS.
MY SURGEON'S AN ARTIST,
HE PUTS JUST JUS THE RIGHT AMOUNT IN
TO LOOK NATURAL.
AND I HAVE BOTOX, TOO.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW--
TELL ME MY DOG IS DEAD.
MY DOG IS--
MY DOG IS DEAD!
MY DOG IS DEAD!
OH, MY DOG IS DEAD!
YOU SEE, I CAN--
I HAVE ALL THE EXPRESSIONS.
THEY'RE ALL THERE.
MY SURGEON'S
SO WONDERFUL.
SO...
I WATCHED SO MUCH
OF THIS CRAP
AS I GOT FATTER
AND FATTER...
AND THE BIG BOOBS
START GOING ON.
OH, BLIMEY,
LOOK AT MY
TRIANGULARS NOW.
OH, BLIMEY,
I FELT WEIRD.
I'D JUST WANDERED
AROUND THE BEVERLY CENTER.
YOU'RE ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR STRETCH PANTS
WHEN YOU'RE
IN THIS SITUATION.
AND I WAS REALLY
BORED, ACTUALLY,
AND I MISSED WORKING,
'CAUSE I'D ALWAYS
BEEN BUSY,
AND SO IN MY EIGHTH MONTH
OF MY PREGNANCY--
IT WAS GREAT,
PENNY MARSHALL
CALLED ME.
OKAY?
IT'S THE ONLY
PENNY MARSHALL THING
I CAN DO-- "OKAY?
I'VE GOT A BIT "L" HERE,
LOOK, I'M LAVERNE,
LAVERNE."
AND SHE SAID
WOULD I LIKE TO DO
A LITTLE BI ON A MOVIE SHE WAS DOING
CALLED "JUMPIN' JACK FLASH"
WITH WHOOPI GOLDBERG.
"YEAH, GREAT!
I LIKE HER."
SHE SAID, "YOU CAN PLAY
A PREGNANT BRITISH
DIPLOMAT'S WIFE."
BRILLIANT.
SUITS ME, DOESN'T IT?
I SAID, "RIGHT, WHAT TIME
IS MY MAKEUP CALL?"
"5:00 A.M."
OY...
COME ON, BABY.
WE'RE NEVER GOING
TO GET UP TOMORROW.
SO, OFF YOU GO.
OFF TO WORK WE GO.
TAKE A SEAT, HONEY,
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YA.
JEEZ,
GODDAMN PORTA-POTTY'S
BACKING UP AGAIN
IN THIS TRAILER.
YEAH.
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE
FROM CARBON MONOXIDE
POISONIN'.
I TELL YA SOMETHING,
HONEY,
WHEN THE CHOCKS
AREN'T DOWN, WE'RE ROCKIN'
AND ROLLIN' HERE.
OKAY, HONEY,
TAKE A SEAT,
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YA.
I GOTTA LOOK
BEAUTIFUL TOO.
OH YEAH.
OH, MMM.
THIS IS FOR MY ALLERGIES.
IT'S LIKE
AN ANTIHISTAMINE.
THAT'S LOS ANGELES
FOR YA.
- HI. YEAH.
- ( audience cheering )
I'M RUBY ROMAINE.
I'M A MAKEUP ARTISTE.
( slurs )
I'M NOT A STAR,
I'M A STAR-MAKER, YEAH.
OKAY, HONEY. OH,
NOW IS THAT A COSTUME
OR ARE YOU REALLY
KNOCKED UP?
JEEZ, YOU ACTRESSES--
HEY HEY, OH, DON'T--
NO NO NO,
DON'T STEP
INTO TRAILER LIKE THAT,
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO HAVE A C-SECTION.
OH, YEAH.
I SEE IT HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW, I WAS...
ON THE "BEACH BLANKE BINGO" PICTURE
WITH A YOUNG
GO-GO DANCER,
AND SHE SPENT SO MUCH TIME
IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN,
HER BABY WAS BORN
WITH SCALES. YEAH.
SHE--
( stammers )
SHE COULDN' BREAST-FEED I ON ACCOUNT OF IT ONLY
BEING PART MAMMAL. YEAH.
SO THIS LITTLE GIRL,
SHE'S LUCKY.
SHE'S A LITTLE SLU AND MARRIED THE PRODUCER,
AND THEY KEP THAT KID IN A TANK
ON THEIR LANAI
FOR 27 YEARS.
NEVER PUT I IN A HOME.
HEY, HONEY,
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
IF YOU NEED A WET NURSE
WHEN YOU HAVE THE BABY,
LET ME KNOW,
'CAUSE WHEN I HAD MY BUDDY,
I BREAST-FED
THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
OH YEAH!
I WAS 12 YEARS OLD.
I HAD BOSOMAS
OUT HERE,
I HAD HAIR IN ALL
THREE LOCATIONS, YEAH.
YEAH.
I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING, HONEY,
I STILL LACTATE.
I DO!
I STILL LACTATE.
HERE.
HOLD ON, I'LL GET SOME
OUT FOR YOU NOW.
OH, WE'VE GOT A MINUTE.
I GOTTA SHOW YOU,
THIS IS INCREDIBLE. LOOK.
MAKE A CRY
LIKE A BABY--
( raspy cry )
OOH, I'M TINGLIN'.
OH HELL,
I'M LETTIN' DOWN NOW.
IT'S LIKE A MASS--
NO, I MASSAGE
THIS AREA HERE.
( mumbles )
...LIMPHAS.
I'M NOT DRUNK.
AND WHAT COMES OUT NOW
IS KIND OF LIKE
HALF AND HALF.
- BUT--
- Man: MISS GOLDBERG NEEDS YOU
ON THE SET, MISS ROMAINE.
OH OH,
I GOTTA GO, HONEY.
A STAR NEEDS ME.
YOU'RE JUST A BIT PLAYER.
I'M GONNA NEED
MY COCOA POWDER
AND THE CARIBBEAN SUNSE BASE, YEAH.
SO JEEZ,
THOSE BLACK ARTISTES,
THEY SWEAT UP
A LOT, YEAH.
THEY DO. I TELL YOU,
WORST I HAD I WAS WITH THA MR. SIDNEY POITIER.
OY, JEEZ.
I TELL YOU SOMETHING,
HONEY,
THAT MAN,
HE SPRUNG A LEAK.
OH GOD,
HORRIBLE WOMAN.
UGH, SHE SMELLS OF ALCOHOL
AT 5:30 IN THE MORNING.
THIS LIPSTICK
SHE'S PUT ON ME,
LIKE I'M HEDY LAMARR
IN A SWORD-AND-SANDALS MOVIE
OR SOMETHING.
UGH, GOD.
I HATE THOSE OLD WOMEN
THAT KEEP SAYING WHEN
YOU'RE PREGNANT,
"OH, DON'T DO THIS.
THAT'LL HURT THE BABY."
I HATE THAT.
I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.
I'VE STAYED VERY FI IN MY PREGNANCY.
I COULD TOUCH MY TOES.
( grunting )
OH! OH!
OH, MY GOD!
OH, LOOK, MY WATERS
HAVE EXPLODED.
OH, NO, IT'S ALL
RUNNING DOWN THE TRAILER.
- OH, NO. OHH!
- Man: QUIET, PLEASE!
WE'RE SHOOTING.
( screams )
I CAN'T HELP IT,
I'M ABOUT TO HAVE
A TRUCK DRIVEN
THROUGH MY VAGINA!
AH! OH, GOD,
IT'S REALLY PAINFUL.
WHAT DID THE LAMAZE
TEACHER SAY?
SH-SH-SH-SH.
THAT DOESN'T HELP.
IT BLOODY HURTS!
( screams )
OW!
( baby crying )
MABEL ELLEN McKEOWN.
SHE WAS BORN
ON THE 2nd OF APRIL, 1986.
SHE WEIGHED
8 LBS., 14 OZ.
( giggles )
YEAH,
AND MY EPISIOTOMY
WENT FROM HERE...
TO HERE,
AND I HAD A BUMPER STICKER
MADE THAT SAID,
"I LOVE EPIDURALS!"
( giggles )
YES.
BABIES ARE WONDERFUL,
BUT THEY KEEP YOU BUSY.
OOH, YES, REMEMBER THIS?
YOU SWAY,
YOU BUY A LOT OF CRAP
TO KEEP THEM HAPPY--
SWINGS AND BOUNCY CHAIRS,
AND ALL THE BUGGIES.
I TELL YOU WHAT,
THE ULTIMATE ACCESSORY
FOR ANY NEW MOM,
HERE SHE IS--
A NANNY.
OH, THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT WAS TIME
TO GO BACK TO WORK.
COME ON.
NOW WHAT SHE LIKES
TO DO IS--
- ( theme music plays )
- M.C.: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE GIRL YOU'VE
NEVER HEARD OF...
ON FOX, THE NEW NETWORK
THAT BARELY EXISTS,
TRACEY ULLMAN!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR COMING TO THE SHOW.
I'D LIKE TO THANK MY CAST--
DAN CASTALLANETA,
SAM McMURRAY,
JOE MALONE,
AND THE...
( mimics )
INIMITABLE JULIE KAVNER.
( blows kisses )
YOU KNOW, I SHOULDN' REALLY DO THIS,
'CAUSE SHE HATES ME
IMITATING HER.
( mimicking )
TRACEY!
WHOA, MAN, WHOA, MAN,
I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.
AND SHE DOES
AN IMPERSONATION OF ME.
SHE GOES,
( mimics with British accent )
HELLO, I'M TRACY.
I'M FROM ENGLAND.
WOW, JULIE,
THAT'S UNCANNY,
BUT-- AWW.
BUT HER VOICE
IS HER FORTUNE,
AND SHE IS NOW
FOREVER IMMORTALIZED
AS THE VOICE
OF MARGE SIMPSON.
- ( audience cheers )
- YEAH YEAH YEAH!
YES YES,
"THE SIMPSONS."
THEY HAVE THE LITTLE
THREE-MINUTE
CARTOON SEGMENTS
IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SHOW.
YEAH, SO I BREAST-FED
THE YELLOW PEOPLE.
YEAH, THEY'RE--
OH, I HEAR THEY'RE GOING
TO GET THEIR OWN SHOW.
YES, THAT'S GREAT.
I WISH I COULD
GET THREE MINUTES
IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT.
AND THERE'S GOING TO BE
SOME MERCHAND--
THERE'S GOING TO BE
DVDs AND BOOKS,
AND CEREALS,
AND CANDY BARS,
AND SUPPOSITORIES,
AND BARBEQUES,
AND BATH FOAM,
AND TAMPONS--
BUT I'M NOT BITTER.
I'M NOT BITTER,
YOU KNOW,
THAT BART SIMPSON
MAKES MORE MONEY THAN ME.
WHAT CAN HE BUY?
HE'S A CARTOON, ISN'T HE?
YOU KNOW
WHAT'S IN HERE?
A 4'11"
PERUVIAN ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANT.
OH, YES, THEY USE
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
IN THESE OUTFITS,
YOU KNOW.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THEM.
LET'S DO SOMETHING
THAT'S PURE TRACEY ULLMAN.
- GO HOME.
- ( audience cheers )
GO HOME!
- ( upbeat music playing )
- GO HOME, GO HOME, GO HOME!
GO HOME, GO HOME,
GO HOME, GO HOME, GO HOME!
YEAH, "NOT BITTER"?
PLEASE!
I REPRESENTED FOX
IN THE LAWSUI WHEN TRACY ULLMAN
TRIED TO SUE FOR 10%
OF THE LITTLE YELLOW PEOPLE.
SHE DIDN'T GET IT.
LIKE SOME
SCHIZOPHRENIC LIMEY'S
GONNA GET BIG DOUGH
OUT OF RUPERT MURDOCH,
PLEASE!
JORDAN, ARE YOU
ENJOYING THE SHOW?
YEAH, SURE, YOU'RE GAY.
YOU LIKE THE DANCING.
( exhales )
I GOTTA PEE.
GET ME A REESE'S
PEANUT BUTTER CUP,
OR SOMETHING.
- EXCUSE ME.
- OW!
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
BITCH.
( grunts )
GOD...
OKAY, THERE'S A HOMELAND
SECURITY ALERT.
YOU'VE GOT TO CLEAR
THE THEATER.
PULL YOUR PANTYHOSE UP
IN THE STREET.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
YOU WANT TO DIE?
GET OUT OF HERE!
GOD, UGH!
I HATE THEATER.
YOU THINK
IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.
YOU GET THERE,
YOU HAVE THE CAR VALETED.
( grunts )
YOU GET A BLACK RUSSIAN
AND A BROWNIE...
( grunts )
AND IT'S SHIT!
I HAVEN'T SEEN
THE SECOND HALF OF ANYTHING
IN OVER 15 YEARS...
( grunts )
UNTIL LAST WEEK.
I SAW A PLAY.
IT'S NOT REALLY
A PLAY,
IT'S MORE LIKE
A THEATRICAL EVENT.
OH! IT WAS SOMETHING
I COULD REALLY GE MY TEETH INTO.
- ( Irish dance
music plays )
- OH!
"RIVERDANCE,"
TAKE ME AWAY!
AH!
OH, THEY DO THIS THING
WHERE THEIR FEET ARE LIKE
LITTLE PONIES.
IT'S WHAT THE IRISH DID
TO STOP THEMSELVES
FROM STARVIN' TO DEATH.
( laughs )
AH! OH!
OH, BEGORRAH,
TOP O' THE MORNIN'
TO YA.
( squawking )
HUH?
( squawks )
AHH!
AHH!
- ( music ends )
- YEAH!
DON'T FUCK WITH
THE LORD OF THE DANCE!
- ( Irish music plays )
- ( squawking )
HA!
DID YOU GET ME A REESE'S
PEANUT BUTTER CUP?
WHAT'S THIS?
AN ORGANIC SOY SLICE?
UGH!
TAKE IT!
OH, GOD.
I HOPE THE SECOND HALF
IS SHORTER THAN THE FIRST.
HOW OLD IS TRACY ULLMAN?
DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH
MENOPAUSE WITH HER?
( audience cheering )
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AFTER "THE TRACY
ULLMAN SHOW," RIGHT,
I TOOK A LONG PERIOD
OF TIME OFF
TO HAVE MY SECOND CHILD,
AN EDIBLE INFAN WHO ROCKED MABEL'S WORLD.
- HERE'S JOHNNY!
- Mr. Johnny Johntini.
- Hello.
- AHH!
HE'S EDIBLE! OH, MY JOHNNY,
JOHNNY, JOHNNY!
BUT HE WAS THE BLOODY
GERALD FORD OF TODDLERS.
HE FELL OVER,
HE PUT BANANAS
IN THE VCR,
ONE OF THOSE
KIND OF KIDS,
BUT THROUGHOUT, HE WAS
SO APOLOGETIC. HE'D GO,
( mimics )
"OH, SORRY ABOUT THAT."
YOU GO,
"OH, JOHNNY, DARLING,
YOU'VE JUS CUT ALL THE WIRES
TO THE NINTENDO."
"SORRY ABOUT THAT."
"YOU WON'T DO IT AGAIN,
WILL YOU?"
"NO."
"YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN!"
"SORRY ABOUT THAT."
OH, GOD, IT WAS--
I LOVE BEING
A FULL-TIME MOM,
BUT IT WAS GETTING
A BIT TOUGH.
IT WAS FIVE YEARS
WITH A DRUNK MIDGET.
AND I FOUND MYSELF
IN STORES,
IMITATING PEOPLE,
AND LOOKING AT PEOPLE,
AND LISTENING
TO THEIR VOICES.
LIKE, WE'D GO
TO THIS DOUGHNUT STORE,
( mimics )
THE YANKEE DOODLE
DOUGHNUT STORE, YAY!
MISS NOH NANG NING,
SHE'D GO,
"OH, DON'T CHOKE
ON THAT DOUGHNUT, YEAH.
CHOKE ON THAT DOUGHNUT.
YOU WANT DOUGHNUT?
OH, LITTLE BOY
THROW DOUGHNUT ON FLOOR!"
"SORRY ABOUT THAT!"
AND THEN I BECAME
FASCINATED
BY THE BLACK WOMEN
THAT WORKED
- THE AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKS.
- ( audience cheering )
YEAH, WHOO, YEAH.
( mimics )
BODY SEARCH! YOU ARE
IN THE BODY SEARCH ZONE!
THEY HOLD COMPLETE POWER
OVER THE AMERICAN PUBLIC
FOR THAT MOMEN AS YOU GO THROUGH.
THEY WOULD LOOK AT ME
AS I WENT THROUGH,
AND THERE'D BE THA FAINT RECOGNITION.
THEY'D GO,
( mimics )
"YOU ON TV?
IT'S HER!
IT'S HER!
IT'S THAT CRAZY
IT'S--
IT'S TRACEY ULLMAN,
TRACEY ULLMAN.
OH, YOU'RE CRAZY, GIRL!
YOU THE BOMB-BIGGITY.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR SHOW?
YOU GOTTA MEET TYRONE,
YOU GOTTA MEET TYRONE
AT CONFISCATED
FOOD AND GUNS
'CAUSE HE LOVES TV.
HE LOVES TV.
WE HAD BARBARA STREISAND
THROUGH HERE LAST WEEK--
BABY, THE MIRROR GO TWO FACES AND FOUR CHINS."
( chortles )
OH, I--
WHOO! ALL THIS.
AND I WANTED TO BECOME
THESE PEOPLE AGAIN,
NOT JUST IMITATE THEM
WHEN I READ THE CHILDREN
BEDTIME STORIES.
THEY'D GO, "MOM,
STOP DOING THE VOICES,
JUST READ THE STORY!"
"OH, ALL RIGHT,
I'M SORRY."
AND I ALWAYS KNOW
WHEN IT'S TIME
TO GO BACK TO WORK,
WHEN I NEED
TO DO IT AGAIN--
WHEN I FIND MYSELF
GOING TO THE BEDROOM
WHERE I KEEP
MY BOX OF WIGS.
AND I TAKE THEM
OUT OF THE OLD HAMPER,
AND I STROKE THEM
LIKE CATS
AND I TALK TO THEM.
SO IT'S LIKE,
OH, HELLO, KAY.
( mimicking various )
"HELLO, MISS ULLMAN.
I'D LIKE TO SING
AND DANCE AND ACT AGAIN,
AND GET SOME ATTENTION."
WOULD YOU, DARLING?
WOULD YOU?
WHAT I REALLY WAN IS FOR ME TO HAVE SEX
WITH YOU, HUH?
HUH? A REAL MERCY HUMP,
HUH HUH HUH?
OH, MY GOODNESS,
MOTHER WOULD THINK
YOU WERE DISGUSTING,
BUT YOU DO GYRATE
BEAUTIFULLY.
( sniggers )
EH, BABY, BABY.
YOU KNOW,
I REALLY FIND
MIDDLE EASTERN MEN
VERY ATTRACTIVE.
OH, THE MEN--
MEN AT MY ARCO STATION
ARE WONDERFUL.
THEY SAW MY SHOWS
DUBBED IN THE YEMEN.
CAN YOU IMAGINE
YEMENESE COMING OU OF MY MOUTH?
( chuckles )
YEAH, WE GO A FAMILY LIKE THA LIVING ON OUR STREET.
THEY GOT A CAMEL
IN THE BACKYARD...
TILL THAT DONALD
RUMSFELD CAME
AND PUT 'EM
IN ONE OF THOSE
CONCENTRATION CAMPS.
YEAH.
OH, GOD,
YOU'RE ALL SO RACIS AND ANGRY AND HORRIBLE.
WE'VE GOT TO UNITE,
AND FIND PEACE
IN THE WORLD!
DO YOU KNOW THA THERE ARE AFRICAN
WOMEN EVERY DAY
LOSING THEIR
CLITORISES?
HEY, I COULD
FIND THEM, HUH HUH?
YOU KNOW,
A FRIEND OF MINE
HAD A CLITORECTOMY
FOR AN ARAB PRINCE,
BUT HE MADE IT UP
TO HER.
HE GAVE HER A MASERATI
AND A MINK COAT,
( chuckles )
SO IT WAS OKAY.
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
WE DON'T MIX MUCH
WITH THE MIDDLE
EASTERN CREWS.
NO, THEY KEEP VERY MUCH
TO THEMSELVES.
NO, I LIKE TO PARTY
WITH THE "VIRGIN"
STEWARDESSES,
- DON'T YOU?
- YES, OH,
NEVER WAS AN AIRLINE
SO INAPPROPRIATELY NAMED.
( laughs )
OY, OY! GOD, I'VE BEEN
IN HERE A LONG TIME!
HEY HEY, TRACEY,
PLEASE, I HATE TO FLY.
I KNOW YOU HATE TO FLY.
I HATE IT!
OY, CHRIST,
I GET SO NERVOUS.
IF A PLANE DOESN'T EXPLODE
IN MID-AIR AND PLUMME TO THE GROUND,
THAT'S A GOOD FLIGHT, RIGHT?
YES, I KNOW.
FUCK YOU! AMERICANS
ARE SO NEUROTIC,
CRAZY CRAZY!
BABY, I LIKE YOUR NIPPLES
THROUGH YOUR VEST!
OH, MY GOD,
WOMEN ARE SO
SUBJUGATED!
MALE MACHISMO
IS SO OUT OF CONTROL!
I DON'T THINK
SHE LIKES THA VERY MUCH, SIR.
WHAT?
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING
THE YOUNG LADY.
FUCK YOU, MY FRIEND!
FUCK YOU, MY FRIEND!
OH, THAT'S NOT--
FUCKING FRUITY FACE,
FUCKING FRUITY FAGGOT--
HEY, THAT'S ENOUGH
OF THAT, SIR.
BODY SEARCH!
YOU GOTTA CLEAR
THE BODY SEARCH ZONE!
EVERYBODY OUT OF THIS
BODY SEARCH ZONE RIGHT NOW!
YOU!
NAPPY HAIR! NAPPY HAIR!
DO NOT--
DO NOT MAKE ME
USE THIS WAND!
DO NOT--
OY, CHRIST,
IT'S THE WOMAN
WHO GAVE ME SUCH
A THOROUGH BODY SEARCH,
I GOT A FREE PAP SMEAR.
OY!
OY!
DON'T SAY, "OY,"
SAY, "HO."
YOU GOT A PROBLEM
WITH THAT, LADY?
I GOT A FORM FOR THAT.
BEND OVER.
UGH!
I REMEMBER WHEN L.A.X.
WAS TWO GATES
AND AN ORANGE TREE.
NOW IT'S TURNED
INTO BOOM-SHAKALAKA TOWN.
OH, THAT'S NAUGHTY.
THAT'S HORRIBLE.
YOU HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN.
GET BACK IN THERE.
STOP IT. STOP IT.
I'M COMING, I'M COMING.
I'M SORRY, KIDS.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, JOHNNY.
GET BACK IN THERE.
OY, CHRIST, HELP ME!
SHUT UP. SHUT UP, FERN!
STOP COMPLAINING!
OY, IT'S SO HOT IN HERE!
SHUT UP!
HELP ME!
- ( audience cheering )
- SHUT UP! NO!
NO, SHUT UP.
NOT YET!
THE VOICES, THE VOICES!
I'M A HAPPY
SCHIZOPHRENIC.
YES, THE BLOODY
VOICES START,
AND I KNOW IT'S TIME
TO GO BACK TO WORK,
SO I CREATED
"TRACEY TAKES ON..."
FOR HBO.
HBO!
COOL!
LET ME DO
WHAT I WANT TO DO!
AND ALL THE PEOPLE
I'D MET,
THEY ALL WEN INTO THIS SHOW.
I'VE GOT TREVOR
AND RUBY
AND SYDNEY AND KAY
AND NOH NAN NING,
AND SO, YEAH--
WHAT I'VE REALIZED
IN DOING THIS SHOW,
ACTUALLY,
- WHAT I'VE REALIZED IS THAT...
- ( soft piano music plays )
WHAT I DO TODAY
IS REALLY NO THAT DIFFEREN THAN THE SHOW I DID
IN MOMMY'S BEDROOM
ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.
( chuckles )
I MEAN, IT'S A FEW MORE
PROPS AND LIGHTS,
AND MONEY AND THINGS,
BUT...
GOD, YOU'RE GOING
TO REALLY LOVE THIS,
AMERICA.
WHAT I'VE REALIZED IS,
AS WELL,
IT OBVIOUSLY IS MY OWN
PERSONAL FORM
OF COUNSELING
AND THERAPY
THAT I DIDN'T GE WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
AND MY DAD DIED.
RIGHT?
OH, GOSH, NOW IT'S ALL
TINGLING AND--
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH
OF THAT.
- COME ON,
NO NO NO NO.
- ( music stops )
IT'S THAT SORT OF
JOHN-TESH-AT-THE-OLYMPICS
MUSIC.
NO, AND HOPEFULLY,
I'M ONLY HALFWAY
THROUGH ALL THIS,
AND I'M GOING
TO KEEP DOING THIS,
'CAUSE I LOVE DOING IT!
( audience cheering )
I LOVE IT!
AND I'VE GOT USED
TO HAVING MY STAR.
IT'S BEEN WITH ME
OVER 30 YEARS,
AND AS YOU GET TO BE
AN OLDER TROLL,
THIS LIGHT HELPS
THE EXPRESSION FOLDS
AND WRINKLES.
SO YEAH,
I'M GOING TO KEEP
DOING THIS,
- BECAUSE...
- ( pop music plays )
I'VE BEEN AROUND
FOR SUCH A LONG TIME NOW
OH, BABY,
I COULD LEAVE YOU
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW
AND WHY SHOULD I BE LONELY
EVERY NIGHT
WHEN I CAN BE WITH YOU?
OH, YES,
YOU MAKE IT RIGHT
AND I DON'T LISTEN
TO THE GUYS
WHO SAY THAT YOU'RE
BAD FOR ME
AND I SHOULD
TURN YOU AWAY
'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW
ABOUT US
THEY'VE NEVER HEARD
OF LOVE
WHY SHOULD I MATTER TO US
IF THEY DON' APPROVE?
WE SHOULD JUST TAKE
OUR CHANCES
WHILE WE'VE GOT NOTHING
TO LOSE
BABY
THERE'S NO NEED
FOR LIVING IN THE PAST
NOW I'VE FOUND GOOD LOVE
AND GONNA MAKE IT LAST
I TELL THE OTHERS,
DON'T BOTHER ME
'CAUSE WHEN THEY
LOOK AT YOU
THEY DON'T SEE
WHAT I SEE
NO, I DON'T
LISTEN TO THEIR
WASTED LINES
GOT MY EYES WIDE OPEN
AND I SEE THE SIGNS
'CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW
ABOUT US
THEY'VE NEVER HEARD
OF LOVE
( audience cheering )
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU. GO HOME.
I LOVE YOU. GO HOME.
GO HOME.