1
- How'd I get?
( encode by : Mkvking.com )
How did I get here?
Where am I?
Oh, fuck.
I'm here.
I don't belong here.
I was out there.
How did I get here?
I'm there.
I'm there.
Hmm?
(humming)
(grunting)
Okay.
Can you stop?
No.
Okay, stop.
Okay, what are you doing?
Okay, um, nuh-uh.
Stop, stop, nuh-uh.
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Nuh-uh.
(whimpering)
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No!
(screaming)
(grunting)
Stop it!
Stop it!
(whimpering)
(grunting)
(heavy breathing)
(crying)
And then it hits.
(melancholic music)
Waking up these
days was never easy.
Especially when
you haven't slept.
Especially when you
refuse to sleep.
The sun seemed to creep
in through the glass
as her disappointment
just laid there with her
The curtains would remain
closed for another hour
as she took in a
series of deep breaths.
She needed these to become
who she would be today.
Each one harder to take.
- [Toby] So what
are you gonna do?
What are you gonna
say to people?
Huh?
What are you gonna say?
Who's gonna believe you?
You don't trust me?
(upbeat melancholic music)
(water splashing faintly)
- [Helen Voiceover] He
used to always tell me
breathing is easy for the weak.
(heavy breathing)
(phone ringing)
- [Answering Machine]
Hello, no one
is available to take your call.
Please leave a message
after the tone.
(answering machine beeping)
- [Georgia] Hi.
I know you don't
wanna talk to me.
Just tell me that you're safe.
Please.
It's your mama.
- Hmm, look at all these people.
Just walking around.
What are you all just
doing down there?
What is so exciting?
How many of them can
really get away with it?
Get away with getting
away from themselves.
How do you get away with it?
Hello again.
I remember you.
Each of you.
But I wish I didn't.
There's just so much, so
much in these silly things.
Clothes seem silly,
but they really do
hold so much power,
so much memory.
I'm holding parts of him.
I'm holding him again.
I know I shouldn't be, but
I just know I have to hold,
I have to hold him
to feel him again.
I have to feel
parts of him again.
I just wanna know him again.
(camera beeping and clicking)
(camera clicking)
(camera clicking)
- [Toby] You don't trust me?
- [Helen] I don't
know, should I?
Yes.
All I desire I
threw in the fire
- Oh, thanks, I appreciate
your foot. (laughing)
See how it burns
Leaves of the trees
assemble me please
(laughing)
- [Toby] You know
what my grandmother
used to make my dad do?
- [Helen] What?
- She used to make
him wax her back.
- [Helen] What?
- He'd get, like, those
little icicle sticks.
You know, like those
icicle pop sticks
and dip it into the, like...
Anyway, now he has
two sons, you know,
so he's like, okay,
I'm gonna go to work.
You can hang out
with grandmother,
you know, your mother's working,
and do whatever she tells you.
So okay.
So my grandma, like, took us
upstairs and she lied down
on this, like, table,
this, like, massage table.
And she brings out this,
like, pink gelatin stuff,
and took out one of those
icicle pop scoopers.
And she said, okay,
now dip this in there,
and we had to, like,
dip it in there
and wipe it, smear
it all over her back.
And then we'd have to,
like, wax her back.
- (laughing) That's
really fucked up.
- Yeah, we had to let it dry
off, and then we'd have to,
she's like, rip it,
just, just rip it!
- Thank you for
telling me that story.
I appreciate it.
- [Toby] Do you have
any intimate stories?
- [Helen] Do I have
any intimate stories?
- [Toby] Yeah.
- Not as good as yours.
This is gonna sound
really stupid.
- It's okay, go ahead.
- Um, I started junior high,
whatever, what is that, uh?
- Middle school?
- Middle school.
And this group of girls
decided that they were gonna
pick on me because I talked to
their boyfriends or whatever.
I was just trying to
make friends or whatever.
And, uh, one day
after school one of
the girls started to beat me up.
She, like, threw me
against a trash can.
I didn't understand why she
did it, but she just did it.
That's the stupidest story
ever, but it was fucked up.
- Well, I have a confession.
- [Helen] What?
- My grandmother really
didn't make us wax her back,
I was just kidding around.
(mumbling)
Trust me?
- Yes.
(laughing)
I often think about
where he is now.
(rock music)
(glass shattering)
Oh fuck.
(grunting)
(breathing heavily)
I no longer had control.
My body no longer mine.
- Hey.
(whining)
Are you alright over there?
I can get you some
water if you want.
It's still early.
You okay?
- Mmhmm.
- I, um...
I had fun last night.
I didn't expect you to call.
I mean, it's been,
it's been a while.
- Mmm.
- Hey, you sure you're alright?
- Mmhmm, I'm great.
- It's a little early,
don't you think?
(laughing)
- Woo!
(laughing)
Right on.
Fun times.
- Hey.
(groaning)
So last night when
you're drunk you can
tell me all those
things, I can kiss you?
This morning, you're
close to sober,
I can't do any of those things?
(mumbling)
- What was that?
(mumbling)
- Yeah, I'll give you a second.
Well?
- What?
- What?
- Mhmm.
- Maybe you should stop
drinking for the morning.
- (grunting) Mhmm.
- Seriously, are you alright?
- I'm fine.
Okay, keys by your table.
See you later, it's
good to see you.
You look good.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Alright.
- Bye now.
Bye-bye.
Bye now.
Bye.
Bye-bye-bye.
See you later, bye.
It's good seeing you.
(retching)
(water splashing)
(grunting)
(breathing heavily)
(crying)
(toilet flushing)
(wood creaking)
(coughing)
Can you stop?
Stop!
- [Toby] Get outta bed.
- No.
I will in a little bit.
Just go.
Do whatever you gotta do.
I'm just gonna take a
nap, I'm really tired.
(wood creaking)
- [Toby] Who are
you thinking about?
- What?
- [Toby] Who are
you thinking about?
- I'm not thinking
about anybody.
- [Toby] Look at me.
I know you're not eating,
but you still gotta
brush your teeth.
- I brushed my
teeth this morning.
- [Toby] When was the
last time you showered?
- I showered today.
- [Toby] No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- [Toby] I bought a new bar
of soap, you didn't use it. It's
still in the wrapper.
- I didn't use soap, I just
showered without using soap.
So what, it's water,
it's the same thing.
- [Toby] You know
the sun's outside?
The sun is shining.
- Great.
I'm glad the sun is shining.
- [Toby] Who are
you thinking about?
- I'm not thinking about..
(wood creaking)
- [Toby] Who are
you thinking about?
- Nothing. I'm not
thinking about...
- Stop.
Stop!
Hey.
Can you stop?
Stop it!
(answering machine beeping)
- [Georgia] Hey, it's me.
You have to get out
at least once today.
It is not healthy
to stay in there.
Just get out there for a bit.
Take a walk.
Anywhere.
I'm here if you wanna talk.
(phone clicking)
(answering machine beeping)
I don't sound so out of key
Though it's been a while
since you've thought of me
That's okay
- Oh, fuck.
I don't take it personally
Cause I've been
working on the farm
I use my back, I use my arms
I think this crop will
turn out beautifully
But I keep one eye
on the city lights
And I see you there in
your heels and tights
And your top hats
(heavy breathing)
Cause there's a wind that
blows through now and then
That says I may
never see you again
I lean on my hoe,
almost desperately
But I'll be here
through the winter storm
- [Georgia] Keep
your voice down.
Helen will hear us.
She can't know
anything about this.
Because she needs to feel safe.
She can't know, know
what you did to me!
You know what you did to me!
You made me, I didn't want
a child, I was a child!
Give you all I had
No one should've
treated you so badly
Then like a dream
you disappeared
- I didn't stop trusting men.
I just started to see
them for what they were.
I still didn't understand
how I felt about him.
Maybe one day I will.
Maybe one day I won't.
(upbeat melancholic music)
Oh, fuck.
(keys jingling)
(breathing heavily)
(answering machine beeping)
- [Georgia] I just
want you to...
I just want you to know
that I'm, I'm really...
Okay, I get it.
Call me, don't call me, do
whatever you like Helen.
I threw in the fire
See how it burns
Leaves of the trees
assemble me please
With these words
I've learned
Help me to stand where
there once was quicksand
Now the current's fast
And if you cast a spell,
cast it well, cast it well
And don't look back
No, don't look back
Time has had its hand
on the pulse of me
So I'm taking it off
And oh, I wanna be
down in New Orleans
In the heart of it all
So take me for a dance
baby, put me in a trance
I like it like that
And sing me another song,
make it long, make it long
And don't look back
No, don't look back
And don't look back
No, don't look back
(camera clicking)
- Do you mind?
- What?
What do you mean, do I mind?
- If I take a picture?
- Of me?
You wanna take a picture of me?
- I do.
- Oh boy.
- Photographers never like
to get their photo taken.
- This is true. (laughing)
- [Man] Is that
the case with you?
I hate my photograph
being taken.
(camera clicking)
Could you look at me?
(sighing)
Just like that.
(camera clicking)
It's weird being on
the other side, right?
- [Helen] Mhmm.
(camera clicking)
- Let's do one more like that.
Can you tilt your chin
up just a little bit?
(camera clicking)
Look to me.
(camera clicking)
I feel like you never let
people take pictures of you.
(laughing)
- [Helen] Yeah, once before.
- [Man] Who were they?
- [Helen] None of your business.
- [Man] Fair enough.
(camera clicking)
You okay?
- Mhmm.
(camera clicking)
- It's like a thing of power.
Because we're safe
behind this camera.
(camera clicking)
- Okay.
I'm done, let's stop.
- We only have two
more shots on this.
Want to finish it?
- [Helen] No, I'm great.
Let's not take
any more pictures.
- [Man] You sure?
- Yeah, positive.
- [Man] Okay.
Are you sure you're alright?
- (sniffing) Yeah.
- [Man] Did I say something?
- No, you didn't say anything.
You're fine.
- I didn't mean to make
you feel uncomfortable.
You don't wanna shoot me now?
- I will, later.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
I'm fine.
- [Man] Are you sure?
- Yes!
What's the matter with you?
- Usually, when people
say they're fine,
they're usually not.
- Hey honey, why don't
you come over here?
It's a little cold over there.
Come on, take a load off.
Come on, it's freezing,
get over here.
You okay?
Here, why don't you
have some of this?
Come on, it's warm.
Come on, I don't have
any cooties, go ahead.
Drink up, have
some more, come on.
You okay?
It's cold out here, huh?
I wonder when my
fucking bus is coming?
You been out here long?
Now if I take off
when my bus comes
are you gonna be alright here?
Think you're gonna be okay?
Everything's gonna be
alright, sweetheart.
The lady at the bus
stop told you that, huh?
(upbeat music)
(shaver buzzing)
- Toby.
Toby was his name.
The guy who changed it all.
This is what he was like.
He was...
(laughing)
When we first met, he
sort of, he sort of spoke,
he sort of spoke like this.
I have to get him, I have
to get him completely right.
He would...
He would move kinda like this.
Okay, I have to become
him, exactly him. So.
His shirts were always wrinkled.
He was such a beautiful mess.
(steam hissing)
I didn't really
wanna hurt myself.
It was just a go at
feeling something.
Just anything at all.
Your eyes, I can't look
away from your eyes.
You have a story to tell.
I must know you.
I must hear you.
I know you have
something to say.
I used to look at
you and see my heart.
Now you disgust me.
You're just a
little, weak woman,
and I have no time for weakness.
That's what he sounded like.
An artist, a poet, a thinker.
(laughing)
You're just a
little, weak woman,
and I have no time for weakness.
(fire crackling)
All I desire I
threw in the fire
See how it burns
Leaves of the trees
assemble me please
With these words
I've learned
And help me to stand where
there once was quicksand
Now the current's fast
And if you cast a spell,
cast it well, cast it well
And don't look back
No, don't look back
Time has had its hand
on the pulse of me
(plastic rattling)
- It was too much to bear,
seeing herself reflected
in every passing face.
I wonder if any
one of them hide?
If any one of them
can really get away
with getting away
from themselves.
Just walking,
walking, and walking,
walking, and
walking, and walking.
Continuously walking
into nothing,
into nothing, into nothing.
- I was like you, once,
but then I found my armor.
I couldn't see my reflection.
I didn't like the way
people looked at me.
I didn't like the
way men looked at me.
I didn't like what
they did to me.
But now I feel powerful.
I guess we'll see
what happens with you.
(traffic rumbling and honking)
(intro French music)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(speaking in foreign language)
(answering machine beeping)
- [Georgia] Just calling
because it's Christmas.
Your Daddy and I miss you.
And the auld triangle
went jingle-jangle
All along the banks
of the Royal Canal
In the female prison
Usual?
- Mhmm.
Cheers!
Cheers!
Cheers!
- Why are you in fucking silver?
(laughing)
Fair enough.
- Want.
(glass shattering)
On me, next one.
I will pay for
that, I promise you.
- I think you've had
enough, don't you?
- I don't know.
I'm fine.
- [Karl] Last one.
- Karl.
Karl, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for being my friend.
- [Karl] Always, love.
- Cheers.
- [Karl] Cheers.
- Fuck do you think
you're looking at?
Karl, you look really
really good today.
I've never seen you quite
that sharp in my life.
- Thank you.
Are you alright?
- Will you sing me a song again?
And the auld triangle
went jingle-jangle
(laughing)
- You're so good, you're
so good, you're so good.
You're so good
You're so good, you're
so good, you're so good
You're so, you're so good
(laughing)
Get it the fuck together.
I'm not gonna go back there.
I'm not gonna go back
there where I was with him.
(answering machine beeping)
- [Georgia] I know you
want me to stop trying,
but I won't, okay?
I'm not angry anymore.
- I don't have to feel
sorry for myself anymore.
(phone ringing)
Mama?
(knocking on door)
(knocking on door)
- My little girl.
Come here, you've come back.
(laughing)
Look at you.
Look at you, you've grown up!
Look at you.
- Why, why didn't you tell me?
- Let's go have some tea, yeah?
He's not here.
Tea?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You wanna sit down?
- Yeah.
- I'm so happy to see you.
What is it that's
brought you home?
- I just wanted to see you.
- Is everything alright?
- Yeah, I mean, I
mean, it will be.
- Well, that makes me happy.
That makes me very happy.
- I think I'm gonna
go get some sleep.
I'm really tired.
- Okay, darlin'.
Look, I'm sorry I
didn't tell you.
- It's okay.
- I just...
(peaceful music)
(peaceful music)
(rain pattering)
- [Alfred] And that's not
the reason, Miss Thompson.
What is the reason you
don't wanna go back there?
- I've told you!
- No, you haven't told me.
- Well, it's this way.
I'm trying to go straight now,
and if I go back there
I can't go straight.
- What will prevent
you from going
straight if you really want to?
- There's a man back
there that won't let me.
- Why won't he let you?
- He just won't.
You see, it's this way.
I'm scared he'll get me again.
- Who is this man?
- Sort of a politician.
- Hmm, I see.
And you fear his influence, eh?
- Yeah, yeah, that's it.
You see, he's bad and
I'm scared of him.
- [Alfred] Does he need to
know that you have returned?
- [Sadie] Oh, he'll know.
- [Alfred] Miss Thompson,
San Francisco is a big place.
It should not be
difficult for you
to keep out of his
way if you want to.
- [Sadie] Well, I'll
have to get help
once I get back,
and the only people
that'll help me are in with him.
- [Alfred] If you earnestly
desire to go straight
it will not be
necessary for you to go
to your former friends for help.
My foundation will help you
until you are on your feet.
This man you fear need never
know you are in the city.
- [Sadie] Oh, he'll know.
All the boats coming
in are being watched.
- You mean tell
me that every boat
coming into port will be watched
on the chance that
you are on it?
- Yes.
(steps thumping)
- Mama?
- Yes, darling?
- Where is he?
- Your father is out.
- It's still, it's still
exactly the same, isn't it?
He hasn't changed
at all, has he?
- I love your father.
He's a good man.
He's a very good man.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
You're gonna try to
get me to believe that?
- It's always
complicated, Helen, okay?
- No, Mom, it isn't complicated.
It doesn't have
to be complicated.
How can you love him?
How can you love a monster?
- Your father's not a monster.
- I heard you two talking.
- What are you talking about?
- You know exactly
what I'm talking about!
- Stop getting so upset.
What are talking about?
I don't have any idea
what you're talking about.
- You didn't want me.
You didn't, you didn't,
you didn't want me, Mom.
- What?
- He, he made you have me.
You didn't want me.
- I always wanted you.
Don't say that, that's not true.
- Yeah.
You know, I had something.
I had love.
I mean, I don't know,
I guess, I don't know.
I think it was love,
but it wasn't love.
I don't know, 'cause
it was forced on me.
- What happened?
What happened to you?
- The same thing!
The same thing that
happened to you.
- But no, the thing
that happened to me,
that is not what
happened to you.
Helen, that is not
the same thing!
Helen, did you tell someone?
- I'm telling you,
I'm telling you now.
I'm telling you, Mom.
- I'm sorry.
Helen, I am so sorry
that happened to you.
- Everything is not just
fine because he says it is.
(screaming)
This is what really happened.
He raped me.
He raped me, and
then he left me,
like a shot down
animal, for dead.
(giggling)
(giggling)
(giggling)
Can you stop?
No.
Okay, stop.
Okay, what are you doing?
Okay, um, nuh-uh.
Stop, stop, nuh-uh.
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
(whimpering)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No!
(muffled screaming)
Stop it!
Stop it!
(muffled screaming)
(heavy breathing)
What the fuck happened?
What the fuck happened?
- Hmm?
What?
- You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
- What's the matter?
- Stop, stop.
- What?
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
- Get out.
Please leave.
Leave.
- Why?
Why?
- Leave.
- Leave?
- Leave!
- Why?
What?
- Stop.
Get out!
- [Toby] Did you forget to
take your meds or something?
What's the matter with you?
Huh?
- Get out.
- [Toby] What did I do?
- You know exactly what you did.
- [Toby] No, I don't.
What did I do?
- You know exactly what you did.
Get out.
- [Toby] So what
are you gonna do?
What are you gonna
say to people?
Huh?
What are you gonna say?
Who's gonna believe you?
- Get out!
Get out, get out, get out!
Fuck you!
- [Toby] This is your own fault.
You did this.
So you gotta get your act
together, you understand?
You make these baseless
accusations of me, right?
(door slamming)
It doesn't matter anymore.
I've gone through
all of it again now.
And now I'm alone.
Trauma is a time machine.
I believe me.
I believe me.
Ah
Ah
I see you everywhere,
I hear you in my head
I see you everywhere,
I hear you in my head
In our bed
In our bed
In our bed
In our bed
I cannot remember my
fragmented memories
Are all around in
my head, in our bed
In my head
In my head
In my head
In my head
In my head
In my head