TRIPPING THE RIF THE MOVIE...
Target area: Target Level: None
Chode McBlob - Location Unknown
Jacket: Material ID, 42556 Size: 38
Thread level: Minimal
Pants: Material ID: 47 829
Size 31, Unknown Substance
Suddenly, trolling those
dives for your birthday party
doesn't seem quite
so bad, Uncle Chode.
I have a bad feeling about this.
Yeah, black and white usually means
the fucking producers ran out of money.
She's talking about
this place, dumb ass!
Relax! You'll feel a whole lot better
once you get your
share of the money.
I can't believe how much
these morons are paying us
to be the royal princess'
bodyguard for just a weekend.
Thank God this job's
only for two days!
These local yokels
give me the creeps!
Nonsense.
They're probably just shy.
You just have to be the
one that's friendly first!
A pleasant good
evening to you, madam.
- Fuck off!
- That went well.
Hey, Uncle Chode,
you've seen the princess.
Is she beautiful and sweet and
innocent like in all the fairy tales?
Hier kommen sie the princess.
Lord,
let her be a hot little virgin
anxious to learn the
wicked ways of the world.
Damn, ho, baby!
Somebody's been
hitting the super size.
Well, let's just say they call
them fairy tales for a reason, kid.
Is it Halloween already?
Geez, you tell me.
You all look a little old
to be trick-or-treating.
We've been hired to
guard the princess.
In that case, let
me introduce myself.
- I'm...
- Don't tell me. Eyesore!
No! I don't know why everyone
thinks my name is Eyesore.
Maybe it's because you've got...
What?
Nothing.
Who is the inconsiderate bastard that's
bothering us at this time of the night?
They're here to
call the princess.
- Yeah. My name...
- Don't tell me. Swollen Hemorrhoid?
May I call you Swollen?
I'm Frau Schmidt.
I'm Her Highness'
lady in waiting.
Show them in!
Walk this way.
Too easy.
Sorry, but your cow will
have to go in the barn.
I beg your pardon!
I am sorry.
Your talking cow will
have to go in the barn!
I am not an animal!
Piss off, you murdering swine!
What? How dare you
talk to me like...
Who's out there?
What did you say?
Nothing!
La Cage aux Poofter
So I said to him,
"Dr. Richard Turner is so formal.
"Do you mind if I call you Dick?"
Give me your clothes!
You forgot to say
please, sweetie.
Okay, girls, time to close up.
If you think I'm staying open
all night again, you're...
big nuts.
I said give me your clothes!
Hey, girlfriend, we don't want any trouble.
Get going while the getting's good.
Primary Social Protocol
a.) Exterminate; b.) Ignore;
c.) Inflict wedgy
How would you like a wedgy?
Sounds like my old gym teacher.
I'm looking for Chode.
You just missed him. He was here
asking about renting the place.
The homophobic little bastard took
off when he realized it was a gay bar!
If I ever see you again,
I'll scratch your
eyes out, you bitch!
When I am king,
you will be Queen
Mother, Mother.
One minute!
One stinking minute!
What is it, woman?
Last night there was another
threat on the life of the princess!
Let me see that note!
I hope that security teams that I
asked you to hire knows their stuff!
Yes. I got the best
bodyguards in the business.
They'd better be! If anything
were to happen to her,
our nation would
be without a leader!
We would find one somewhere.
Nonsense! There is no
one left of royal blood.
She is the last of
an ancient, noble line
that goes back
hundreds of years!
Ja, ja, ja!
Don't let the door hit you
on the ass on the way out!
Did you know Her
Highness' royal crown
is on your moose head?
Did you know, even in this light,
I can see your moose-stache?
That was close!
It's time to kill me
one big-ass ugly princess
and become the king!
This is torture.
She hasn't done anything but look
at herself in the mirror for hours.
How could she stand it?
Those earrings are lovely!
What do you know?
It must be wonderful
to be in a position
to make a difference in
the lives of your people.
Oh, them.
They're the reason I don't
have a minute for myself.
Why am I brushing my own hair?
You, with the big tits,
get over here and
start brushing!
A hundred strokes!
Yeah, I could use a hundred
strokes myself about know.
I'm bored!
I brought along a word game.
Good idea! You're not
as stupid as you look!
Set it up and make it snappy!
Over here!
I had to get you alone.
Here it comes.
Look, lady, you're not my type.
I get broads like you
hitting on me all the time.
Let me tell you how it is.
You're too old, you're too ugly,
and for the record, I'd like to be
the only one in the
relationship who shaves.
I have no sexual interest in you!
Hey! Hey, what am
I, chopped liver?
Listen, the princess
is in great danger!
I don't mean to
tell you your job,
but I think the prime
minister is up to no good.
The prime minister?
He seems like a
nice enough guy.
You think so?
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Oftentimes we judge
people so harshly
when we are only
projecting our own fears.
Man is inherently good.
Yeah, that's what I believe.
I hope that's what
you do believe,
because if anything
happens to the princess,
you and your friends
will all be put to death!
What?
I didn't see anything
about death in the contract.
It's standard.
Always read the fine print.
Kanot, and I get
double points for the K.
Just a minute.
That's not a word.
It is so.
Really?
Use it in a sentence.
My authority kanot
be questioned.
Otherwise, a certain robot's
gonna get his fairy ass
carted off to the scrap heap!
Well, now that I
hear it in a sentence.
Hey, where you going?
We have to keep an eye
on you at all times.
Please!
I'm just going to
the powder room,
and it ain't to take a powder.
Somebody go with her. T'nuk.
- Everything come out okay in there?
- Kick the door in!
How is she?
Remember those pretty earrings I
admired on the princess earlier?
Well, there's not
a scratch on them.
Holy shit!
We gotta get out of here!
If the princess' subjects
find out she's been murdered,
we'll all be executed.
Executed?
Uncle Chode, is it true?
Are we doomed?
Well, if you want to see
the glass as half empty.
Technically...
Chode! Really!
Bob, I need you to lock
into our coordinates
and beam us back on board.
- No can do, El Capitan.
- What do you mean?
I kind of shorted out the
beaming device with a fork.
You should have
never left me alone!
Geez, how the hell
did that happen?
Well, I was trying to beam my
raisin toast out of the toaster
with the transporter
beam and a fork.
Why, for Christ's sake?
Because my toast was
stuck in the toaster.
We're toast, Uncle Chode!
Geez, I'm surrounded
by fucking morons!
Look, if we could find out
who killed the princess,
maybe they'll go easy on us.
Everybody, grab the rest of her.
Hey, you better not be doing
anything weird in there.
Primary social Protocol: a) I'm fine;
b) I'll be out in a minute
c) My Penis is caught in the bedspring
My penis is caught
in the bedsprings.
Okay. That's all right, then.
Geez, whoever said "Die young
and leave a beautiful corpse"
- never met this stiff.
- Chode, what do we do now?
We gather every
shred of evidence,
pore over every clue,
go to any extreme necessary
to determine the perp's identity.
What is it?
It's a short, curly purple hair of
some sort. Probably the killer's.
Or your own pubic hair, dumb ass!
That's another theory
that deserves exploring.
Princess! Princess!
Princess, it's almost time
for your noon appearance.
Mein gott!
What has happened to the princess?
After a battery
of sophisticated tests,
I've determined she
died of natural causes.
But she's been cut to ribbons!
Well, I mean, after
that, naturally, she died.
For all our sakes,
no one must find out!
I need time to sink.
Your Majesty?
God damn it!
I needed more time than that!
It's noon, Your Highness.
Time for you to greet
your loyal subjects.
This is not time to fall
apart, Your Highness.
Your public awaits.
Pull yourself together.
I know, Mother. I get my
sense of humor from you.
I'm brushing my teeth.
I'll be right out!
You will?
Well, please hurry.
Your subjects can't
wait to see you!
And frankly, neither can I.
"I'll be right out"?
Why'd you say that?
If she doesn't show, the townspeople
will know immediately something is wrong.
Princess! Princess!
T'nuk, grab that head.
The princess will be right out.
Acquiring Transportation
Acceptable
The suckers are buying it.
How can this be?
She's dead!
Show's over, folks!
The princess is dead...
tired.
Hope to see you all
at the coronation.
Free beer and pretzels!
You two, come with me!
I suspect the princess has
been the victim of "vowel" play.
Sir, what exactly is"vowel" play?
Don't nobody with a brain
understand the English?
Okay. We need an escape plan.
We're trapped!
We're not going anywhere!
Nonsense!
You're going to certain death
unless...
- Unless?
- No, no! It's too crazy,
too far-fetched.
It goes against all the
laws of nature and God!
You're not talking about
my sex life, are you?
No! I'm talking about bringing
the dead princess back to life!
Am I hearing you right?
I don't know. When's the last
time you had your hearing tested?
You really should take her to
the vet every once in a while.
They're going to knock
down the door any minute.
She's right.
Everyone grab a piece
of princess to go,
and follow me through
the secret passageway.
- Where does it lead?
- Let me guess.
To a long-forgotten
laboratory
where a mad scientist
once re-animated the dead?
Does someone got that
women's intuition or what?
I'll leave a note to
throw them off the scent.
Break it down!
Gone to the movies.
Double feature.
Grabbing a bite after.
Don't wait up.
Let's see.
The knee bone's
connected to the thigh bone
The thigh bone's
connected to the hip bone
Chode, you can't perform an
operation as complex as this.
Well, not so fast.
According to this Re-animating
the Dead for Dumb Asses book,
it's not so hard.
Okay, Six, plug in that electrical
V-shaped thing that goes "zizz."
Gus, find me a giant
needle and thread.
T'nuk, make sure
the moon roof opens.
Whip, go over to that
shelf and grab me a brain.
Geniu: Albert Einstein
Careful, Whip!
Don't worry.
There's another one.
Senator Diane Finestein...
Mel Brookstein...
Hearty Fiberstein.
Chode McBlob
Located
Hurry! The storm is
almost directly overhead.
Raise the gurney!
Give my creature life!
What a pretty night
it turned out to be.
Look, I don't need a pretty night.
I need fucking lightning!
Is there any other source of
intense electricity around here?
Ja! I could divert
the electricity
from the entire
kingdom's power grid
to the cables
you are holding...
that is, if I can
reach the switch.
You've got to try.
Okay.
Did you say something?
Could you at least wait
until I let go of the cables?
My apologies.
Okay, now.
Bring us down!
Love the hair.
It's sort of Liza meets Lily Munster.
Great job, everybody.
My God!
Look at this place!
Don't tell me I'm playing
dinner theater in the Poconos.
No, this is Slovinia.
Slovinia?
I've opened out of town
before, but this is ridiculous.
You were dead, and we
brought you back to life.
Okay, now you're starting
to sound like my agent.
I am so parched.
Who does a queen have to do
to get a drink around here?
Your Royal Highness,
welcome back.
Royal Highness?
Let me explain, lady.
Mister...
whatever the hell team
you're playing for.
Look, in this show, you play a
princess who gets crowned queen
and lives happily ever after.
Unless, of course, they
declare you a total weirdo
and the fickle public
turns their back on you.
You mean like Tom Cruise?
There's an angry mob led by the
prime minister surrounding the castle.
It sounds like he's whipping
them up into a frenzy.
Not the face. Not the face!
They have killed the princess.
Sliced her up like a turkey
on Thanksgiving morning.
I say we lynch them first and
ask intelligent questions later!
I haven't seen critics
this out for blood
since Puff Daddy did
Raisin in the Sun.
You're going to have to go
down there and face the people!
Let me know how
that turns out.
Chode, we don't
have any choice.
We've gotta escort
the princess out there
and see if her subjects
will accept her...
him.
I gotta take a wicked leak.
Where's the men's room?
Is anyone really stupid enough to
buy that big lug is the princess?
Is that Princess
Babe-hot or what?
Show's on.
All hail the royal princess!
Smile at the people.
Watch where you're putting
that thing, you buggy-eyed ass!
Wait a minute.
Why is your voice so deep?
Friday night's
my poker night.
Too much booze and cigarettes.
Well, that satisfied
my curiosity.
I'm not buying it!
If you're the princess, sing
the princess' favorite song.
Sorry, just warming
up my instrument.
Hit it, Frau!
I love Slovinia
In the summer
when it sizzles
I love Slovinia
in the spring
When the frigging
flowers bloom!
I love Slovinia
in the winter
When it's snowing
and snowing and snowing
You've got to admit, it snows
like a motherfuck around here!
But when you see
Slovinia in the fall
That's when I love Slovinia
When she loves Slovinia
That's when I love Slovinia
That's when
she loves Slovinia
That's when I love Slovinia
Most of al.
Not bad.
We call it a backers audition.
How much can I
put you down for?
Put me down for one
pitchfork in the belly!
Wait a minute. I say we
let the people decide.
Would you like to continue to live
your lives in quiet desperation,
living off the stale crumbs
from this tyrant's table,
or have a fabulous queen
who's going to put on
hit show after hit show
and make this town a bundle off
busloads of out-of-town suckers.
Perhaps we could put on Hunchback
of Notre Dame, The Musical?
Long live our drag queen!
Hip-hip hurray!
What a bunch of ingrates!
Hello?
Bob? You better be calling me to
tell me the transporter's fixed!
I don't want to be doing
choreography for the rest of my days.
Great!
Beam Six and T'nuk aboard and
the rest of us down to Terra.
I've still got a raunchy
birthday bash to organize.
Sign off.
I'm looking for Chode.
He just took off.
But if you know him,
you must be as big
an asshole as he is.
What are you looking at?
You better not be having
one of your oral fantasies.
I'm merely trying to understand
how you can eat that garbage.
I hear it contains rat parts.
Chef Gay-ar-dee,
on this planet,
baseball fans eat millions
of hot dogs every week,
and that's good enough for me.
Besides, they say rat
parts make you smart.
Then please explain why Pittsburgh
Pirates fans keep showing up.
Yeah, or how come you
couldn't figure out
La Cage aux Poofter
was a gay bar.
I told you, I thought Poofter
was foreign for snatch-a-roosky.
I don't know why you didn't rent that
place. It looked perfectly fine to me.
What? Fine. Excuse me if I don't
go into why I'm not surprised.
I'll just repeat, no birthday bash of
mine is going to be held in a gay bar.
Get off your soapbox.
It's not even your birthday.
Yeah, but my guests
don't know that.
They also don't know they'll
have to cough up for parking,
admission, exorbitant
prices for the booze
and oh, did I mention my little
credit card scam on the side?
Baby!
I'm going to be
rolling in dough.
What makes you think
they'll even show up?
Well, because I
come up with a hook.
Hey, check that place out!
I don't know, Uncle Chode.
That looks a little gay, too.
Yeah, then why don't you drop your pants
and stick your ass through the door.
If you haven't squealed in 30
seconds, the joint's straight.
Okay, let's go. The sooner
we get this over, the better.
Relax. We got all night.
Yeah.
Why are you calling?
Something wrong on the ship?
No, I just miss you, that's all, you
hunka hunk of burning testosterone.
Where are you?
Have you been sniffing
the ship's fumes?
Don't be a silly-Billy.
I'm just feeling
a little horny.
Thought you might like to know
what I have in store for you.
Yeah?
That thing with your tongue.
What? You're gonna put
your index finger where?
How wonderful.
His mother never
forgets to call.
Hey, Six, I'm gonna be
back as soon as I can.
I just gotta check out this
high... hair night club...
Move it, you two!
We haven't got all night!
Did you hear what that
fucking Pinocchio said?
BUY ONE, GET ONE FOR FREE
Yeah, the fucking streets
ain't safe for decent people no more.
Okay, it's a deal, Gloria.
I'll pay you 10% of the
take next Saturday night
in exchange for the room
and your bartending services.
Yeah.
No guessing why this place is
called the High Hair Nightclub.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
What a loser!
Her head looks like an
explosion in a mattress factory.
I like it. Her 'do is
reminiscent of Flock of Seagulls.
Yeah, and a flock of
seagulls could nest in it.
Gus, you're in charge of
designing the party invitations.
Include a drawing for
a 5-meter surround sound
TV door prize,
a/k/a, the hook.
Whip, you e-mail the
invites to everybody we know
except that fucking clown Bobo.
I've had it with that bastard.
Geez, that was painful.
I warned you about that hot
dog, but would you listen?
"You went down for me. I'll
go down for you. Phone 555..."
Where's that pencil?
Damn faulty toilet.
Jesus Christ, what a dump.
Then wiggle your bum
like you're pulling up
a pair of underpants.
Like this?
Hey, the light bulb in the can just
blew, and your crapper exploded.
I'll need them
fixed for the party.
Cool it, you two.
The So You Think
You Can Dance tryouts
aren't till next week.
Hey, Six. Mission accomplished.
Get us out of here.
I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't...
Geez.
You'll be beaming to
Fabula 7, no doubt.
Fabula 7?
The all fruit... gay planet.
No! Transport me to Jupiter 42.
Jupiter 42? That's a private ship.
You got permission?
Permission?
I ain't allowed to transport
anybody to a private address
unless they've got
written permission.
Sorry, Shirley.
I'll be back.
Hey, what's your
fucking problem?
I'll be back.
What? I didn't know docking with the mother
ship wasconsidered incest, Your Honor.
I'm com... I'm coming!
That was wonderful, Chode.
The best ever.
Yeah, well. I really prepared
myself for tonight's session.
You must be looking for Gus.
He's the second door
down on the left.
You must be looking for Gus.
He's down the hall on the right.
Push me around, will ya?
Ya fuckin' clown!
Chode, that clown looks insane.
Let's get out of...
Run!
Run! There's a psycho
trying to kill us!
Us or you?
Could you be more specific?
I need my beauty rest.
Let me through!
I've got more to live for!
I haven't even had oral sex yet!
T'nuk! As your captain,
I order you to the back.
There's no way he can shoot me
if your fat ass is in the way.
Since you asked so nicely,
get out of my fucking way!
Hold your fire!
Does anyone hear anything?
Sorry. The hot dog.
Oh my. That thing, whatever
it is, is unstoppable.
What are we going to do?
I've been giving it some thought.
This is no time to fall apart.
We go back a long way.
If we stick together we'll
get through this okay.
Well, that's a really
nice sentiment, T'nuk.
I wasn't talking to you, dumb ass.
I was about to suggest we
hand you over to the psycho
so the rest of us can live.
Hey! How do you know
it's me he's after?
First he blasts your bed,
then he tries to
kill you in Six' room.
Who do you think he's after?
Six? Jealous lover?
Chode, you've programmed
me not to do clowns.
Yeah, but you're an exception.
Okay, so it might be me he's after,
but if it was one of you,
I'd stick by you
no matter what.
Chode!
Chode, we must
get off the ship.
I don't get it.
A bulletproof
clown on steroids
tries to kill us.
Now you show up
wearing ass floss.
What the hell's going on?
Firstly, I accept your
thanks for saving your life.
And secondly, what's going on
involves Chode, not you.
Firstly, thanks.
And secondly,
you better talk, or I'll
tear you a new asshole.
Can we try and survive
now and talk later?
To the transporter room!
Now what?
I'm gonna get my
ass to the shuttle.
But the others!
Hey, it's not them
the thing is after.
Right now, it's
every man for himself.
Have I ever told
you you're my hero?
Yahoo! We did it!
We gave that crazy
motherfucker the slip!
Beam me back down!
No parla ingles, Monsieur.
Beamez-moi en port!
Merde!
Hello? Mom? Can
you hear me? Hello!
Nothing. It must have been
damaged when we landed.
Do you have your communicator?
No. You?
No. I left it
on my nightstand.
What kind of idiot leaves his
ship without his communicator?
Don't rag on me, Chode.
What with dismembered
princesses,
shady nightclubs,
and homicidal maniacs,
the last few days have
been the worst of my life.
Seems somebody could use
a little R and R right now.
And as luck would have
it, check that out.
Chode, are you insane?
The others could be in that
things clutches for all we know.
Please tell me
you're not thinking
of actually visiting
this den of iniquity
at a time like this.
Am I out of my mind?
Look who I'm talking to.
Hey! Where are Gus
and Uncle Chode?
Do you think the
clown got them?
Who cares?
I think our intrepid captain
left us to take the fall.
No, wait. Look!
He's still looking for him.
Chode must have escaped.
There is no God.
Can you help a fella out?
I'm flat broke and in
desperate need of a lap dance.
Well, consider this
my random act of
kindness for the day.
Not from you, Mary.
Name's Bill.
Offered the girls this
in lieu of Kroenigs,
but had no takers.
I'll sell it to
you for 20 Kroenigs.
That should be enough
to throw a little
party in my pants.
What is it?
Well, they take you
to the Champagne Room
and do the old
bump-and-grind on your crotch.
I was asking about the
medallion, you horny toad.
I'm the only surviving
member of my expedition.
We were searching for the
treasure of the Pyridians...
Treasure?
It was stolen and hidden
somewhere in the jungle
many centuries ago.
The key to the treasure
is on this planet.
It not only reveals
the treasure's location,
but also allows access to it.
So where is thiskey?
That's the problem.
No one knows.
But this medallion
will lead you to it.
What kind of treasure
are we talking about here?
The finder would be so rich,
his toilet paper would
be made out of gold.
Wouldn't that chafe?
If this thing can
make you that wealthy,
why are you sitting
here bumming a 20
for a little tail-shaking?
I said it would
lead you to the key.
I said nothing about
it protecting you
from the danger that
lurks along the way.
Head for the third
sun on the right,
due east, and pray,
and hope that your
prayers are answered.
Mine have been.
Well, I've had my fun.
I hear my pillow
calling my name.
That's not your pillow,
that's the gold talking.
Danger, shmanger!
We can do this.
Am I going to have any success
getting your mind off this treasure
and getting you
back aboard the ship?
Have you ever noticed
you're the color of gold?
I don't think
this is due east.
Now you're sounding like Six.
What the hell does
due east mean anyway?
I swear that tree wasn't
there a second ago.
One too many at
the juice bar, Gus?
I only had one.
And by the by, what
kind of juice was that?
You don't want to
know, Gussie boy.
You don't want to know.
Umph! Okay, what's going on?
I think I just rusted myself.
This way!
Six is right.
Your sense of direction sucks.
Excuse me, Butch.
Sundance is afraid of...
You guys couldn't catch
herpes in a whorehouse.
Oh, shit!
Now what?
I beg your pardon.
I think I felt it move.
It didn't move.
Just shut up already.
No, that.
What the hell?
Maybe it's a lie detector.
It's some sort of
crystal compass.
You sure it's not Gaydar?
That guy Bill was
a chicken shit.
Get past those monsters,
and it's Froot Loops time.
Follow your nose, baby.
Nothing to be afraid of.
And I suppose that's
a Howard Johnson's.
Don't judge a book
by its cover, Gus.
It could be, like, a Vegas
theme hotel or something.
I don't remember an
Apocalypto hotel on the Strip.
Who did you say
was a chicken sh...
This place reminds me of
one of those ancient ruins
you'd see in the movies,
where there'd
be an epic battle
between two
ferocious monsters.
I'm not going to keep playing
if you keep throwing
paper every time.
Then throw scissors.
Then you'll do rock.
Geez, Walter, that's
the friggin' game!
Who there? Who there?
Hey! Dude!
Please, let this be it!
Well, 3PO, you're the one
with the tranlang
four-communicator module
combined with a
double A-1 Verbobrain.
What the hell does it say?
That's just a golden
robot stereotype.
Can you read it or not?
Yes. Then read it.
Out loud.
It says "Push
Button for Treasure."
This has got to be the next
piece of the puzzle, right?
Unless it's some sort
of nuclear device.
Can you at leastpretend
the glass is half full?
Okay. Now what?
What did Bill say?
Remember to pray.
God, Lord...
What should I pray for?
Treasure!
I pray for lots
of treasure. Amen.
That's funny. I could've sworn
I've seen something
like that before.
You have. It's the same shape
as the medallion, you idiot.
I know that. I was
just testing you.
Step forward, please.
Single file, no pushing.
What the hell
is going on here?
Please don't take
your anger out on me,
I'm just a temp, hired
to provide slaves.
Slaves?
Yes. Mr. Big didn't want
to get his hands dirty
with the day-to-day.
Mr. Big? Is that just a
nickname, or is he really...
He's the brains
behind this operation.
Aren't we losing
the plot here?
What about the treasure?
Actually, we just need you
for the discovery and
recovery of the key
that opens the vault
containing the treasure.
It was lost in one of
Pyridia's mines many moons ago.
Ha ha ha. Okay, you got me.
This is really one
of those stupid-assed
Fox reality shows, isn't it?
Consider what you've
been through today
as kind of like getting
into a good college.
Oof!
Dig!
There's no way I can
implement this tool
without some kind of gloves.
Hey Charlie, this
guy wants some gloves.
Yes, thank you.
That will do nicely.
Thanks for the update, Bob.
We'll stay down here
in case that psycho
decides to beam back aboard.
If Chode gets in touch,
tell him where we are.
Yeah, get some rest, kiddo,
'cause when you wake up,
you got a lot of
'splainin' to do.
Come on you little green
asshole, we ain't got all day.
I'm thinking.
How do you manage
that without a brain?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
You better be
spelling out "cunning."
What the hell was that?
Well, looky here!
Discovery!
We have a discovery!
Yes, Mr. Big, I've got
it in my hand. What now?
reward, right, Gus?
You'll get your
reward, all right...
in heaven!
Mr. Big said to throw them
back in the mine and seal it.
What the f... Hey!
Well, that's that.
You can kiss my
shiny ass good-bye.
If that doesn't make me want to
get out of here, nothing will.
Gus! Load all that
dynamite into a hovercart.
There's no way out!
Will you hear my
confession before I die?
Jenna Jameson's? Yes.
Yours? Not on your life.
Yecch! First time, shame on
you. Second time, shame on me.
Chode, let's get out of here.
The sun was in this direction.
Get a grip, Gussie.
There's something
we have to do first.
But I thought... Chode McBlob,
will you please tell
me what's going on?
Are you telling me
that you swapped it
for the key to the
lock on your porn stash?
Relax. I got a duplicate.
Besides, there's no way
I'm going to walk away
from all that treasure.
Now, all I have
to do is figure out
how this key is going
to lead me to it.
Probably got some kind
of magical element.
An ancient spell...
Hey! Look! There's a
little red button here.
I just got chill bumps.
Here you are, sir. The
key to the treasure.
This isn't the key to the
treasure, you dunderfuck!
What are you
waiting for, Chode?
Stick it in.
Gus, promise you'll never
say that to me again.
Two minutes till the
annihilation of Pyridia.
Holy shit! The fucking
thing's booby trapped!
The treasure! The
fucking treasure!
It's all yours!
Shit!
Good news, Chode.
The radio is back
up and running,
and I've made contact
with the others.
We'll join them
in next to no time.
Don't be so depressed.
You may have missed
out on the treasure,
but you'll always have
us, you faithful crew.
You really know how rub salt
in the old wounds, don't you?
Where were you two?
On your honeymoon?
Don't ask. Any
sign of that clown?
I think we've given it
the slip, Uncle Chode.
And what the hell were
you doing on my ship?
I beamed myself aboard.
The dude at the
transporter boutique
wasn't in much shape
to do it himself.
I don't get it.
Who is that crazy clown,
and why is he trying
to kill Uncle Chode?
You're not going to
believe me if I tell you.
Try us, kid.
The other night,
my folks were in bed talking.
I was listening by the wall.
My dad had just...
Do you always listen
to your parents
when they're in bed,
you little pervert?
Well, I...
Hey! Do you want to
hear my story or not?
Yeah. Button your pie hole,
T'nuk. Let the kid speak.
Like I said, my
dad had just...
Were they talking dirty?
You know, using words
like cornhole, ream, suck?
Listen up! My dad had just
returned from Bobo's mansion,
he'd been there answering
a domestic dispute call.
You little slut!
I should have had you
fixed the day you were born.
You're going to get
rid of it, or else.
Shove it, Pop!
Don't tell me to shove it,
or I'll put my size
How could you have
done this to me?
You, you harlot!
Okay, okay, cool it, you two!
We've been getting complaints
from all over this zone.
Relax, Commander.
My husband's just trying
to bond with his daughter.
And you can keep
your trap shut!
I blame you for all of this.
Your daughter can't
help being a tramp.
It runs in your family!
All right, what's
this all about?
It seems our daughter'sgone
and got herself pregnant.
You don't know
the worst of it.
That dirty purple shit
Chode is responsible.
When I get my hands on him,
I'll ram a party
favor down his throat
and blow it out his anus!
When did this alleged act
of penetration take place?
A couple of months ago
at Chode's birthday party.
I don't want to hear any more!
She got drunk and did it
with him in a washroom stall.
When I think of that
disgusting pile of excrement
with my little girl.
And now she refuses to
terminate the bastard.
If you don't mind
me saying, Bernice,
you're taking
this pretty well.
That's because, unlike
my loser husband,
I've taken steps to ensure
the vile act of copulation
never takes place.
Wh...What? What do you mean?
Remember that combat android
you constructed last year?
The Arnie 1000. Sure I do.
The first time I programmed
it to fight the Gleopadians,
some grunt lobs a grenade
at it and destroys it.
News bulletin, bonehead.
It wasn't destroyed.
Seems for once in your miserable
life you exceeded yourself.
The thing's indestructible.
Well, where is it?
Right now it's two
months in the past.
I hope you didn't use a
Federation Time Displacer.
That's not allowed.
So's doing my daughter!
The bitch refuses to
terminate Chode's spawn,
so I've programmed
it to terminate Chode
before he does her.
Bernice, that was
sneaky, underhanded,
cold-blooded, and vicious.
I knew there was some
reason I married you.
Cut the shit! You married
me for my Kroenigs!
Aw, shut your gob, you bitch!
bitch, bitch, bitch...
So you've also transported
back from the future.
Is that why you're naked?
You can't use the Federation
Time Displacer wearing clothes?
Not really. It's
gratuitous nudity.
Tell me about it.
You gotta help me.
You have to get Bernice
to call that thing
off, I'm begging you.
If you promise not
to screw Babette,
I'll return to the
future and tell Bernice.
I'm sure she'll deprogram it.
I promise.
Okay. Wish me luck.
Wait, I hadn't finished.
I promise to
stick it to Babette
until her eyeballs pop.
Chode, are you crazy?
That android will kill you.
But you heard the kid.
Bernice will call it off.
And if you guys think
I'm going to pass up
this opportunity to
drive Bobo up the wall,
you're the crazy one.
Besides, that Babette's
one sweet piece of ass.
Chode, what if Adam 12
can't convince Bernice
to stop that thing?
She's not exactly
Miss Congeniality.
Yeah, you might have a point.
I suppose it wouldn't
hurt to lie low
for a little while
until the party.
Right?
My name is Alice Marie.
Nothing strange has
ever happened in my life.
That is, until recently.
That was when I
went in to my bedroom
and retrieved an old revolver
that hadn't been
used in years.
Goddamn fucking piece of shit!
Alice certainly had
a beautiful funeral.
Yes. Yes.
Except when that whore Deirdre
grabbed her husband's ass.
I'm really going to miss her.
She had so many
good qualities.
I'll even miss
Alice's bad qualities.
Remember she tended to
be a little paranoid.
And she was bigoted.
And a snob.
And irrational.
A funny thing
happens when you die.
Your body is gone,
but you can still see
and hear everything.
What a bunch of bitches.
Hey, there's that
strange family
that moved in next
to Alice's place.
They've sure been
keeping to themselves.
Where do you
think they're from?
Probably Africa.
They've brought their
wildebeest with them.
This may sound weird,
but I've been without,
um, male companionship
for so long,
even that disgusting
fat, purple one
is beginning to look good.
I hear you, sister.
My dear old hubby spends
so much time working,
I'm ready to date a banana.
No wonder that broad
next door shot herself.
This place is so boring.
I agree.
The flesh-burning puss swamp
controlled by the
scab-infested anus rapers
on Planet Vomiteria
look good right now.
Only a complete idiot could
be happy living in this 'burb.
Wow! There's some really
cool video games here.
I just broke the
all-time record
for hours logged on to
Universe of War Craft.
I rest my case.
I like to be here
Here on the sidewalk
Watching you,
baby, move it so sexy
I can feel the desire
You look at me
Your eyes are on fire
Chode, what are you thinking?
I'm thinking that if
I'm ever reincarnated,
I'd like to come
back as that car.
Chode, don't even consider
fooling around
while we're here.
We don't want to draw
attention to ourselves.
Or do you want to
end up as a corpse?
Or a prison bitch
for 30 years?
Nix the prison bitch talk.
Here come the local natives.
Hi, there, neighbors.
We noticed you moving in.
I'm Sue Anne.
I'm Danielle.
And I'm horny.
Sue Anne, Danielle, Horny.
I'm Ch...
Chance.
I'm Chance.
They're a bunch
of nobody-losers
who cannot hold any
possible interest for you.
Chance, I was wondering.
Have you seen my pussy?
No, but the night
is still young.
Chance!
Here it is.
Chance? What do you
think of my hooters?
They're magnificent.
Chance!
No, silly, up there.
Hey! Want to see my ass?
You have a donkey?
No. An ass.
Why don't you all kiss it!
Whoa! I've seen smaller
cracks on a fault line.
I virtually threw myself
at that miserable
mauve motherfucker,
and he still hasn't
come sniffing around.
Perhaps I was too subtle.
Yeah.
"Have you seen my pussy?"
Really subtle.
If you insist on
jumping his bones,
why don't you throw
a "welcome to the
neighborhood" party?
Hey, that's a great idea.
Where? When?
Why not here, tonight?
I have an idea.
Ron always liked my
Lobster Thermador.
All I need is 3 pounds
of cheddar cheese,
nutmeg, six bottles
of dry white wine,
a dozen lobsters,
and 30 gallons
of boiling water.
Is it any wonder
why her husband
had a fucking heart attack?
I hear the dead woman's
husband next door left town.
Smart guy.
Aren't you curious as to
why she killed herself?
We should take a look around.
Geez, why don't you
marry a Spice Girl
and sign for the L.A. Galaxy?
Oh, dear. Now I'll have to climb
over the fence
and get it back.
If I stay around
here much longer,
I'm going to kill something.
If you don't stay,
you might be the
one getting killed.
I'm willing to re-enter
the civilized world
and take my chances.
There's no way that
assassin will ever find me,
and if he does,
I'll kick his ass!
It's the babe from
across the street.
Hello again, Chance.
I've just dropped
by to invite you
over for a welcoming party.
One moment.
I'll consult my friends.
Please, Six!
Let me go. I'll be good.
I promise. Please!
It'll be safer
if we come along.
Thank you.
Are my friends invited?
If they're not, who cares?
I'll just tell them they
are and ditch them later.
Of course they're invited
except for the ugly fat
one with the big ass.
Deal! What time
should we be there?
Anytime you're ready.
The front door is always open,
or you can go
around to the back
and enter that way.
And don't worry.
We're harmless.
"They are all stupid, shallow,
"and I believe quite insane.
I fear for my life."
Holy shit!
Those crazy
housewives killed her!
Hey, you'll never...
Damn!
Don't forget to
use your aliases.
Hi, neighbors.
Glad you could make
our little party.
Come on in.
And no hanky panky.
I promise.
Are you crossing your fingers?
Of course not.
So! Throw a party
and not invite me?
Well, nobody kisses
off Deirdre Clit
and gets away with it.
Yes. I think I have.
Look who's here, everyone.
Our new neighbors.
Hi, Chance.
We didn't catch yournames.
Hi, ladies. I'm Wally.
Who cares?
I'm Seven.
We all lie about
our ages, honey,
but aren't you
stretching it a bit?
And I'm Guffman.
I'm a 500k model.
You shouldn't sell
yourself short, Guffman.
Danielle used to be a model,
and she'd charge a
lot more than 500K.
I beg your pardon.
I'll get it!
Can I get you guys a drink?
Tie me to the bedpost.
That's vodka,
rum, melon liquor,
and sour mix, right?
No, tie me to the
bedpost. Really.
I'm looking for my friends.
I don't believe
you were invited.
Oh, my God! I'm too late!
What have you done,
you crazy bitch!
Get a grip, Cujo!
What are you talking about?
Quit blowing smoke up my ass.
I heard a scream.
It's the lobsters.
I just put them in the water.
Yeah? Then where's Chance?
Strange. He and Sue Anne
were here a moment a...
Chance? You
better not be doing
what I think you're doing.
Whoa!
Come on, get 'em off,
you sexy orb of
purple Play-Doh.
I'm trying!
But you'll have to
remove that finger first.
Chance? Where are you?
I can't be found like this!
What is it with that woman?
She's just jealous.
I mean, who could blame her.
Quick, think up a story.
Where is he?
I don't know what you mean.
I just came in
here for a lie-down.
My menstrual cramps
hurt like hell.
Hey, sweetheart.
Looking for a little action?
Chode? Is that you?
Forget Chode, baby.
He can't do with his
tongue what I can.
Whip! You're drunk.
Not that drunk.
And this was me at the
office a few years ago.
I was high up on
the corporate ladder.
You were a window cleaner?
That was before John
suggested that I quit
and become a full-time
housewife and mother.
How considerate.
After all, those are the most
precious days of a woman's life.
I hated the bastard for it,
and I wish he'd been
run over by a bus.
I couldn't agree more.
And these are the twins.
They are so adorable.
No, they're not.
They're ignorant, stupid,
and don't do a
word I tell them to.
Have you tried disciple?
Why, Guffman, you naughty boy!
And...that's how
you do the fox trot.
Now, the waltz is something
completely different.
Not so rough!
Quick! We have to
get out of here!
They killed their neighbor,
and we could be next!
I don't believe it.
Less than two hours to
go to my birthday bash,
and Six insists
I mow the lawn.
Soft fleshy snatch,
silicone snatch.
So what? Women
are all the same.
Not getting into Chance's
pants was bad enough,
but lobster three times
a day for the next month?
Give me a break. What's
going on over there?
Oh, my Lord! It's
a man with a gun!
And he's pointing
it at Chance!
He's kinda cute.
Damn! Here comes
that whore Deirdre.
I saw him first.
Back off, bitch!
This one's mine.
Stop scratching! There's
enough here for all of us.
That's it. I've had enough.
We're out of here.
Look at them.
They'll screw
anything that moves.
But they didn't kill me,
and I wasn't referring
to them in my journal.
I was talking about
that bunch of foreigners
who moved in next door to me.
My friends are right.
I am a paranoid,
bigoted, irrational snob.
And yes, I shot myself.
I mean, who wants to live
next to stupid
assholes like that?
I just got charged 200
at the door for admission.
What a rip-off!
This party sucks!
I said charge everybody
Except that sexy
little clown over there.
Her drinks are free.
I want her nice
and loosey-goosey.
Thanks, Babette. For what?
For the birthday bang you're
going to give me tonight.
Dream on, you
bloated sack of shit!
That's what you think.
What?
I said have another drink.
What do you mean
you have no intention
of deprogramming that android?
Read my lips. Chode is toast.
But he promised not to f...
Have sex with Babette.
Yeah, and he better not.
But if you think I'm going
to call off the Arnie,
you're out of your
friggin' minds.
Why should I?
This is my chance to get rid
of Chode once and for all!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
I just gotta check out
this high hair nightclub,
Get outta the way,
you green freak!
Sorry, fellas, no can do.
Okay, you asked
for it, asshole!
My wife needs a new handbag.
I gotta visit the
little girl's room.
I understand completely.
A thousand and one,
a thousand and two,
a thousand and... hell,
that's long enough.
Well, excuse...
Okay...
There you are,
you little vixen.
Come to Papa!
Keep doing that.
You like that, you
dirty girl, do ya?
Yeah, I do!
Why the fuck did you tell
us Chode was responsible?
I was afraid if you
found out Adam did it,
you'd kill him.
If you killed
Chode, who'd care?
But when you sent that
android to kill him,
I felt rotten about it.
That's why I went
back to warn him.
Under the circumstances,
isn't it about time
you shut it down?
What do you think, darling?
We have to do the
right thing, honey.
Chode dies!
What do you mean?
That thing's still after me?
I didn't do
Babette, I tell ya.
Maybe you should have.
Dying for no good
reason sucks big time!
Get out of here
before it sees you.
We'll try and stall it.
I'll never forget
you all for this.
Six,
Whip,
Gus...
T'nuk!
Yeah, T'nuk. Thanks, guys.
Thanks ever so.
Damn it!
So it's agreed.
You and Babette travel back,
decline the invitation
to Chode's party,
and Bernice will shut
down the Arnie 1000.
Yeah, okay.
I can't hear you!
Sir, yes, sir!
Please, let me live,
and I'll become a new person.
I won't cuss anymore.
I'll give up the booze.
I won't hang out with hookers.
Yahoo!
Just because we
won't be at the party
doesn't mean we still
can't get it on, right?
I heard that,
you little whore!
Bernice!
Hey, big guy. You
gotta give me a break.
It's tough to go cold turkey
on so many things at once.
What say I cut
back on my language
in exchange for the
occasional prostitute?
Aah!
No! I was joking, please!
I'll do it, if
you let me live.
You will travel back!
You will not go to the party!
You will not have sex...
not then, not now,
not ever. You got that?
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm going to say this one
more times, you cretins.
I now am the legal
owner of that cyborg.
Just because I'm
listening to you
doesn't mean I give a damn.
I created it, and
I want it back.
Hello, hello? Are we having
a communication problem here?
Confederation
law clearly states
that salvaged goods become
the property of the salvager.
You didn't salvage
it, you stole it!
And that salvaged goody
should be worth a few
Kroenigs on the black market.
You can't sell it! It's mine!
It's not, and I can.
Besides, whatever I get for it
still won't compensate
for the pain and suffering
you two assholes
have caused me.
Your pain and suffering
are only just starting.
You purple...
Hey! You know what they say!
Possession...
You're not going to give me
that "9/10 of the
law" crap, are you?
Well, I was going to say
I now possess the
cyborg, so fuck off,
but that works, too.
Chode, are you crazy?
Those two could start
that thing up again.
Relax, Gus is reprogramming
it as we speak.
What makes you think
he can reprogram it?
Yeah, Uncle Chode.
Perhaps it's unreprogammable.
Once a killer,
always a killer,
and you brought it aboard.
Geez! What a bunch
of scaredy cats!
Hey, Gus! Gus?
Are you there?
I don't like the look
of this, Uncle Chode.
Shut up, will ya?
That thing can't
hurt us anymore.
Look, I'll prove it.
How do you like
that, you metal moron?
See? What did I tell you?
Chode, run for your
life. I couldn't...
Quick. To the
transporter room.
Don't leave me here like this.
Open the door.
This thing's going to kill me!
Bob, for fuck's sake!
Beam me out of here!
No can do, El Capitan.
I can't lock on to
a fast moving object.
Very fucking funny!
Glad you think so.
It's just a little
payback, Uncle Chode.
Yeah, for all the crap you've put
us through over the last few days.
I hope this teaches
you a lesson.
You can't go around screwing
everything in the universe.
Why not? Hasn't done Paris
Hilton's career any harm.
Are you sure this
thing isn't dangerous?
Of course. It's reprogrammed.
Bob, cue music.
That's it. Wiggle your bum
like you're pulling up
a pair of underpants.
You programmed it to dance?
Why not? Dance is
the language of love.
Bob, hit it.
Do you wanna
dance around like me?
I'm the generator
Of moves
Every day and night
I'm well beyond your dreams
Geez! Gus can do everything
that android can do,
only backwards
and in high heels.
Ripped from Closed Captions by:
FDSCR
My circuit sonnet
will light up on the beat
I circled around
so you can see
Might as well get
up from your seat
The music ranges on a memory
R-O-B-O-
Dance
Robot dance
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?