1
Two households
different as dried plums
and pears in fair Manhattan,
where we lay our scene.
Two homes adrift in hate
for 20 years a score,
awash in sin
for long deprived of dreams.
Once long ago
they planted seeds of hate,
which bloomed to constant
battles for revenge.
Soon, murder was
the awful commonplace...
And everything once real
seemed like pretend.
Deep within this storm,
a love in two has sparked,
spawned in a box of glass
one star-crossed night.
Now if faithful should hug
to live within the dark
but see how many fall
beneath love's light.
Oh, yes, the splice
of their unholy vice
and the firmest grip
of their parent's rage.
It'll only ever end
by one father
and his apt demise
which is now the two hours'
traffic of our stage.
Star-crossed lovers
both ignore
your elders' trivial ploys.
They hold no trace
of passion's truer joys.
Instead of justice,
do now hold your castle wall.
Your deepest love will battle
reasons gone.
All this if you with
patient eyes attend,
we'll see what devils broke,
our toil shall mend.
(Gun fires)
LEMMY: Act 1
never mind the yearling fatted
calf, is the Ques and Capulets.
(Band singing)
(Passionate moaning)
My sister!
Hey, there. Hey.
Hey. Hey.
That's my sister.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
You stupid shit.
That was the best fuck
in this bar.
Hey, hey, Georgie.
I have some crystal meth
in my underwear.
Let's go down
to the men's bathroom
and snort it on up.
Fuck you, Sammy.
You're such a moron.
Come on, Georgie.
Maybe you will get lucky,
you know what I mean?
Oh!
I'm your sister.
You're not
supposed to do that.
Not to me.
But hey, you know
the way the world is now
we've got gang bangers,
we've got perverts,
we've got anorexia.
Everything's in style.
If we just throw
a little incest into the mix,
pretty soon the world will be
like one great big hug.
And I, Sammy Capulet along
with my sister Georgie Herald
the dawning of the age
of the aquarius,
just like in a hair.
Yeah, I'm sure, Sammy,
me and you and our mutant,
inbred children.
At least they'd be better
than those cursed Ques.
Did you hear
what they did last night?
They threw a dead pigeon
through Uncle Cappy's window.
It splattered all over
the divan, intestines of--
I know! I know.
I hate the Ques!
Hey, hey, Georgie.
Look what I'm gonna do just
in case they show up tonight.
-Don't be retarded.
-Sorry.
(Laughter)
TROMEO: You guys,
after this I gotta cruise.
What's wrong with
going to the Art Club
with me and Ben?
I got to go check up
on my old man, Murray.
Why? You got to bring him
a teething ring?
You believe this guy?
I think it's sweet.
It's like, um, Codependency,
right?
BENNY: It's like
being a pussy is like
what it's being like.
We done?
Hey, why don't you come on over
after the Art Club?
Check out the new
CD-ROM I got.
Sub-Humanoid Meltdown.
Yeah, yeah, we'll come over
and check it out.
Especially if the Capulets
are the Sub-Humanoids
you're melting down.
Every time I think about
that poor little squirrel.
Poor little squirrel?
Murray, you threw a pigeon
through the window.
It was already dead.
That's different.
TROMEO: Hey, shut up.
We're supposed to be normal
people leading normal lives.
Working 9 to 5,
going to church on Sunday.
Normal. Maiming, murdering,
crippling park animals,
it's a little abnormal.
You know what I mean?
WOMAN: Is it gonna hurt?
This will be over in a snap.
TROMEO: It's one
of the reasons I like Rosy.
You know, when I'm with her
I don't feel much hatred.
-Not even toward the Capulets.
-Ah! Oh!
TROMEO: It sounds dumb but
I feel like
I have a future now.
You know,
a home in the suburbs,
a barbecue in the backyard,
family picnics.
Look, look,
I still get a piece of wood
every time I take
one of those bastards out.
And you, Tromeo,
this week it's Rosy,
next week some other
double-d slice of poontang
is gonna have you whipped,
clipped, and double dipped.
You, you don't learn.
TROMEO: Come on, Murray.
We've all had to put up with
the Caps since we were kids.
You'd think you were
sick of it by now.
Instead I sometimes think that
that shit is the only reason
you even hang out with us.
That's not the only reason,
just a mark
on the positive side.
On the negative side
is the fact that
both you guys are so fucking
disgusting looking
and I look at you
and my stomach becomes upset
and I begin to vomit.
I really love it.
I love it so much.
How do I look?
Like a freak.
Shut the fuck up.
I'll see you guys
after the club.
Bye, Trom.
Thank you.
One of these days,
somebody's going to teach you
some fucking manners.
Bad monkey.
(Punk music playing)
WOMAN: Mummy.
Peter, your breasts are more
pear-shaped than my sister's.
But they'll do.
Asshole.
(Laughing)
I wanna ask you something.
Why did you kill
that little squirrel?
-Fuck you.
-No, fuck you.
-Fuck you.
-No, fuck you.
No, fuck you.
No, seriously,
Sammy, fuck you.
I said it first.
Dad?
Tromeo!
Tromeo!
Wherefore art thou, Tromeo?
Dad?
Dad?
The front door was left open.
Anyone could have just come in
and robbed us blind.
Do we have
any site left to steal?
(Farting)
Tromeo, there you are.
I was having myself a dream
about these cows.
I got to get you in the bed.
Come on.
Turn around, Martini.
I got an itch to fuck you
in the ass.
Come on, Tracy.
Let's do it.
We got five minutes
before the manager gets here.
I only need two.
Oh, fingers.
I love fingers.
Give me fingers.
Excellent.
-(Screaming)
-Hey, hey, hey.
I want to give you
one more chance.
Apologize for giving me
the finger.
I--I didn't
give you the finger.
I still have all my fingers.
Not anymore.
-(Screaming)
-God!
Clean that off,
I'll get fired.
I'll get fired, man.
(Phone ringing)
Ooh, yeah!
Take those titties, Bluto.
That's it, baby.
Only you could do it, baby.
Tromeo sucks at it.
(Phone ringing)
Oh, God.
Who's spoiling my fun?
Hold on a second, baby-cakes,
I'll be right back.
-Hello?
-Rosy?
Tromeo!
Hi! How are you doing?
I just wanted to call
and say that I had a great time
and everything last night.
Yeah, I'm thrilled.
Really, Tromeo,
I'm like really thrilled.
I miss you.
What are you doing?
(Moaning)
I'm just making the costume...
for...Cap Capulets.
You know,
costume party, his bash.
You got invited to that?
Yes!
Yes. I was in...in...invited.
Yes. I got to go, got to go now.
# My name is Capulet,
I got a corn nut for a dick #
# My name is Capulet,
my asshole's full of worms #
# My name is Capulet #
# I am a hopeless shit #
# My name is Capulet,
I'm a big fat dick #
Sing along!
# My name is Capulet-- #
# I like polka-- #
Get away from my house,
you little punks.
# I shall fucking die #
You asshole.
-You, my friend,are a piece of shit!
-What is it, Cap baby?
Once more Monty Que suck shits
are trying to terrorize me.
See, that's Benny
and that Martini freak, see.
I'll kill him.
I'll kill them all.
Where is my bow?
Where did you put my bow?
Not my violin bow,
stupid, my crossbow.
There it is.
You pieroni piece of crap.
You fuck.
How would you like me
to use your guts
to Jackson Pollock
the street, huh?
MURRAY: (Imitating Cappy)
Jackson Pollock the street.
-Holy shit, run!
-Go, go, go.
(Laughter)
After so long, Monty's still
making them hate us.
Oh, Cap, sometimes I think
we should have never did
what we done.
We?
What do you mean by this
"we" shit, Ingrid?
You know as well as I do that
that was your fuck-up, not mine.
Oh, my arm.
(Biffing)
(Juliet singing)
(Glass shattering)
(Ingrid screaming)
INGRID: No!
No!
Juliet.
If you keep
forgetting to turn this off,
you're gonna burn down
the whole house.
Let it burn.
I can't stand the noises,
Ness, every single night.
Then don't listen.
At least tonight it's not you.
Your mother sent me
to pick up some clean dresses.
Why would I need dresses
since Dad never lets me
leave the house?
Oh.
You smell like food.
What'd you make for dinner?
Well, if you keep missing dinner
your parents are gonna fire me.
But for the record, roast beef.
Eww.
How many times I have
told you that cows scream
on their way
to the slaughter house?
You know, exactly
what's going on.
Spare me the vegetarian lecture
and spare yourself, too.
Soon you're going to be
married to the king
of cold cuts.
It will all make sense.
You know I don't love London.
You know Dad
forced me to say yes.
He just wants to get his hands
on the Arbuckle's fortune.
And I don't care.
At least if I marry London,
I won't have to go back in
the time out room anymore.
So it doesn't matter
if I don't love him.
I really never loved anybody.
Let me ease your pain.
(Computer beeping)
Ness, sometimes
when you touch me,
I dream about men.
It's okay to dream.
Not in this house.
It'll almost make you die.
WOMAN: (On computer) To make
your choice of our many
lovely girls please press
one of the following keys.
If you like eating shit
and drinking piss
there's only one
choice there, it's "K."
But if you want a wild time
with a very young girl--
You chose "true love."
Please hold on for one moment.
Hello, you are so handsome.
I really love you.
NESS: Mmm, saucy girl.
(Indistinct) For such
merchandise.
Would you like to get married?
Married, then you
could see my bosom.
They love you too.
Go ahead, you could touch them.
I will suckle a many
happy children.
Will you be my husband?
(Moaning)
-I love you.
TROMEO: I love you too.
I love you.
I love you too.
-I love you.
-I love you too.
I love you.
I love you too.
-I love you.
-I love you too.
I love you.
Listen, Oslo,
of course we hate old Cap.
Ever since
we've been little cats,
I have noticed that you often
know more than you show.
So, how did it start and where?
How's your uncle a part of it?
Once, man, they were friends.
My uncle had a business,
films.
Called Silky films.
They catered to the Art Crowd.
French babes, soft focus,
lots of sheer curtains,
classy stuff.
He and Capulet,
they'd been friends for years.
Came up together
from the suburbs of Jersey.
The profits were good,
Que brought Cap aboard.
But right after that,
the game got rough.
Cap took all Monty's
rights to Silky films.
Between you and me,
there was blackmail involved.
MARTINI: Blackmail?
BENNY: Yeah.
Monty signed over
all records and checks
without so much
as a protest or a plea.
The way it looks
on paper and in books,
they say he gave
his life's work away for free.
Cocksucker stole
a good man's whole life.
And you should see the trash
that silky puts out now.
The worst motherfucking
films in the world.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wasn't there more to that story?
Wasn't there something going on
between Cappy's wife and Monty?
They had a lot more than
something going on.
They were married.
While Cap was
stealing the business
he also made a play
for Monty's wife Ingrid.
That bitch then stuck
a knife in Tromeo's dad.
A divorce right
when he was found.
In my book she is
just as bad
as that
ugly sadistic clown.
Shortly after that,
Cap married Ingrid
and Monty married Tromeo's mom
and the lines have been
drawn ever since.
And who was Tromeo's mom?
Shut up.
I told you way
too fucking much already.
This is just between you and me.
Keep your mouth shut
around Tromeo.
I had a bad dream.
How many times
have I told you...
I'm sorry.
Not to wake me up
with your goddamn screaming?
I'll be quite, I promise.
Pubescent copulators.
Leaving your sex toys
all over your room.
You have one more screaming
orgasm, young lady,
and it's the time-out
room again.
Now, are you going to be good?
Hmm?
And who are you?
Daddy's little crenshaw melon.
Who?
Daddy's little crenshaw melon.
Oh, yeah, big man.
Just beat up the blind.
Just beat up the blind girl,
that's what she's there for.
The bitch stole my damn Harley!
God damn it!
Law abiding citizens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You and my ass
are law abiding citizens.
Real law abiding.
The feud between you two
is what started this.
I got a feeling when that stops,
I don't have
to clean up another mess
started by Que or a Capulet
or a Capulet to a Que.
Now, stumpy, you ready
to tell me who did this to you?
I dropped my popsicle down
the garbage disposer.
I didn't think before brrr.
Stupid!
That's another thing, okay.
No one, no one is speaking
one word of truth.
I'm gonna tell you what.
The next time there's blood
spilled and anyone of you,
anyone of you is there,
I don't care what I have to do,
I'll bring in a fucking
grand jury if I have to.
I will find who's at fault.
Suppose we're free to go now?
Get out.
See that,
you foul bastard, see.
It's sick. That's your work.
My work?
Why is it my work?
You sent the boy to put
the squirrel in my place.
I sent shit.
MONTY: Yes, you sent shit
to do a man's work.
Hey.
The only shit I see
is in the passenger seat.
An alcoholic, burnt-out,
scumbag loser.
Why you cocksucking--
Don't hold me, let me go.
Let me go.
Let me go, don't hold me.
-Meet my bow.
MONTY: I'll kill the bastard.
I'll kill him. I tell you
I'll kill him. don't hold me.
Sammy, get out
of the fucking way.
Sammy, get out of the way,
let me just shoot this mother--
Come on, out of the way.
You villainous, abominable,
kidnapper of youth!
Henry IV, act II, scene IV.
Hey...
(Sammy screaming)
Okay, Sissy, remember.
When crossing the street,
sidewalk safe, street dangerous.
BOTH: Sidewalk safe,
street dangerous.
Very good.
Okay, okay, can I go now?
Yes, you can go.
(Screaming)
(Car honking)
(Sobbing)
MAN: Oh, my God.
WOMAN: Oh, God.
LEMMY: The ball
and Tromeo's agony of bliss.
His balls be blue,
young men pray think on this.
MAN: (On television)
This is Aaron Mason.
Tonight on the local scene,
Manhattan society
eagerly awaits the annual
Halloween in July ball
at filmmaker Cap Capulet's.
Capulet is famous
for such films...
I don't know why we're going
to this stupid party, Murray.
You just want to cause shit.
You know why you're going, trom.
Your precious rosy
is on the guest list.
Moo, how do I look?
If I lived on a farm,
I'd fuck you.
MAN: (On radio)
With Juliet Capulet
about to marry Arbuckle,
could it be that Capulets
planned merger of meat
and movies is finally
in our midst?
No, no, no, no, Carl,
you're cutting too much fat off.
One word, more fat.
Fat is good for people.
That's what we like
to hear here at Meat World.
Mr. Arbuckle.
Mr. Arbuckle, what in
what on God's earth is this?
I found it on the baby goats.
Oh, gross.
Must have crawled through
the cellar window and died.
Still looks like it could be
kind of tasty though.
Bet we could make several
dozen hot dogs out of it.
Why don't you throw it in with
the pig snouts, tails,
and hooves?
Yes sir.
Juliet.
What do you think
of my milkman costume, Juliet?
It's very nice, London.
It's so great, just great
that you came to pick me up
for the party tonight.
Oh, jeez.
I almost forgot.
I got you a gift.
I finally figured out something
to do with those pigs' ears.
It's new and oh so delicioso
and you're gonna be
the first one to try it out.
It's raisin loaf.
It's like olive loaf
but it's not.
It's raisin loaf.
Why? Because there are
raisins in it.
Oh, wow!
It totally blows my mind.
Nobody's ever made
a raisin loaf before, Juliet.
No.
Here, try a slice.
Uh, London!
I'm macrobiotic.
You're bionic?
No, I'm macrobiotic.
It's a strict
vegetarian lifestyle.
You're--you're a vegetarian?
Yes.
I have been for quite some...
A vegetarian!
JULIET: London?
I think we better
get going now.
Name?
(Growls)
Go right inside, man.
Hey, Giovani.
That's beautiful.
Oh, can't anybody clean up
nothing around?
I mean, we got
rich people coming.
Friends, the Arbuckles coming
tonight, put it under the gully.
They don't know I'm a pervert.
Fucking Capulets.
Look at all this food, Murray.
I wonder where Rosy is.
Rosy, it's me.
I made it.
Bet you didn't expect
to see me here.
Tromeo?
Uh, hi.
What's up?
Sorry, need this chair.
I didn't think you were coming.
Tromeo,
this is Bluto Fitzgibbon.
Bluto, that's Tromeo.
How are you doing there,
little man?
Come on,
this is not a big deal.
Oh, come on.
Look, look, hey, hey.
Let's go upstairs
and steal from the rich people.
You always love it when we steal
from the rich people.
Ah? Right?
Yeah.
So life returns
to my pal's dead body.
Listen, I'm going
to jerk off in my hand
and go swish around
in the punch bowl.
I'll meet you upstairs in five.
(Whistling)
TROMEO: Oh, she doth teach
the torches to burn bright.
It seems she hangs
upon the cheek of night
like a rich barbell
in a thrasher's ear.
Beauty too rich for use,
for earth too dear.
Did my heart love till now?
Forswear it, sight.
For I ne'er saw true beauty
till this night.
Hey, Juliet!
My little hen cheese.
Can I have this dance?
Okay.
Oh, a dirty (Indistinct).
Oh, Monty and Ingrid
and a tiny infant.
A cow.
Who are you, cow?
My name is Tromeo.
Strange name.
Yes.
Excuse me, we're trying
to dance here, my friend.
And you're doing a very
good job of it, friend.
What is your name?
It might be Juliet.
Juliet.
Excuse me, this is my fiancee.
You're harassing.
Are you a friend
of the Capulets?
Oh, yeah.
The Capulet girl,
she invited me.
We've been friends
for many years.
Right.
Do you mind
if I pick this next dance?
Well, actually Juliet and I
were just right now
going to dance.
All right.
Your face?
May I see your face?
If I profane
with my unworthiest hand
the holy shrine.
The gentle sin is this.
My lips, two blushing pilgrims,
ready stand to smooth
that rough touch
with a tender kiss.
Good pilgrim,
you do wrong your hand too much,
well mannerly
devotion shows in this,
for saints have hands that
pilgrims' hands do touch,
and palm to palm
is holy Palmers' kiss.
Have not saints lips,
and holy Palmers too?
Ay, pilgrim, lips that
they must use in prayer.
O, then, dear Saint,
let lips do what hands do,
they pray.
Thus from my lips,
by thine, my sin is purged.
Tyrone: What the fuck?
Que, take your goddamn tongue
out of my goddamn
cousin's mouth.
-Cousin?
-Que?
I'm gonna kick
your fucking ass.
Juliet,
Tromeo is Monty Que's son.
My only love
sprung from my only hate.
LEMMY: Act III, love
in the glass box revealed.
(Laughter)
MURRAY: You played
a very funny joke
on that Juliet chick.
She bought every word you said.
You ought to be a thespian.
It totally reminds me
of that time
in the sixth grade when you
talked Mara Murphy
into taking her panties off
and then you pushed her out
in the hall in front of
all the larger children
and they were laughing
amongst themselves.
Oh, no. Oh, no,
you cannot be serious.
I had never seen her, Murray,
or even heard her name.
I can't.
My Juliet.
Let me bathe in your
breath and your skin.
JULIET: Tromeo.
My lover. My first man.
Yes.
Together you and I will
replenish the world.
Kill hunger and thirst and hate.
And we're the new era of grace!
Oh, God.
(Gasping)
You horny little cow.
Probably dreaming of getting
fucked in the ass, hmm?
Butt plug.
You and your teenage
punk rock friends
and all those juices coming out
of every orifice in your body.
You fuck pods make me sick.
I've told you
a thousand times...You slut.
Sorry.
You fucking bitch.
(Indistinct muttering)
(Screaming)
CAPPY: Move it!
Turn around!
Let there be light.
Daddy's little
crenshaw melon.
How much sharper
than a serpent's tooth
it is to have
a thankless child?
Get in. Get in.
Put on the suit.
The suit, the band
only little girls wear.
Open the door.
don't dirty the glass.
Juliet.
Juliet, children should behave
themselves, my sweet.
All women should.
That's what they're here to do.
Remember the next time
that you are going to scream
in your sleep
that this is where
all dreams will lead.
# We'll gather at the river #
# The beautiful,
beautiful river #
# We'll gather at the river #
# Beautiful river of shame #
It's the middle door upstairs.
I know
how you feel about her.
I feel it too.
She feels that way about you.
Watch the second step,
it's loose.
What light from yonder
plexiglass breaks?
It is a right angled cosmos.
And Juliet is its sun.
See how she leans
her cheek upon her hand.
Oh, that I were
a glove upon that hand,
that I might touch that cheek.
Wake up, fair sun.
Wake.
-Tromeo.
-Oh, I did not mean to frighten you.
I'm waking from
a nightmare into a dream.
But I'm real.
See, the breath.
Are you angry?
Are you angry that I'm a Que?
Do you hate me for my name?
What's in a name?
That which we call a rose by any
other name would smell as sweet.
So Tromeo would,
were he not Tromeo call'd,
retain the dear perfection
which he owns without the title.
Let's go tonight.
Come with me.
You could come in.
But your father.
He never comes back until after
the Regis & Kathie Lee show.
And this room was soundproofed
when I was eight.
He didn't want the neighbors
to hear me scream.
And so he puts me in here
when things go wrong.
I think it's sick.
You're 18, aren't you?
So why haven't you left?
This is the only life I know.
What seems cruel to others
is normal to me.
I guess my life
is sort of unnatural, too.
Violent, you know?
Maybe both of us are warped.
It's like if you have been
told a curved line is straight
your whole life,
you start to believe it.
Maybe we're more afraid
of the risk of something
new than at staying
with something
you hate that's familiar.
(Snorts)
Day...
Music...
The Regis & Kathy Lee theme.
Tromeo, wake up.
You must go.
You must go now.
No.
No, if my father finds you...
Wait. Where can we meet?
We'll meet tonight?
Oh, why?
You look like you've seen
a Sub-Humanoid.
His name is London Arbuckle.
Tromeo, I'm supposed
to be married.
From my heart it is
so far, but my father would
rather see me dead than lose
a billionaire son-in-law
grown rich on steak tartar.
When is it supposed to happen?
-Thursday.
-Thursday?
Then marry me before then.
What?
Yes, marry me,
you can't be forced
into a marriage
if you're already in one.
You don't need to save me,
Tromeo.
If I said I was doing it
to save you,
it would only be making excuses
for my real desire.
-Really?
-Yes.
Then yes.
You are wonderful!
Okay.
Oh, wait.
Before you go.
Juliet, prince meatball is here.
Oh, boy!
Yeah.
Hi, dear.
I brought you some flowers
and something else.
Yeah, yeah.
I bet you were gonna say
you wish
we had honeymoon tickets
to Swanzey, Wales, to see
one of the largest cattle
herds in the world.
'Cause look what I have here.
We're going to Swanzey!
No.
London,
I don't know how to say this.
Oh, look, aisle seats,
so we can go to the bathroom
anytime we want.
I think you are
a very nice person.
Look at all the cows.
Moo, moo, moo, moo.
But I can't marry you.
What?
I'm sorry but there's
somebody else.
Oh, God!
Of course, this would happen.
You think I'm ugly, don't you?
No, I don't!
London!
London, don't do that!
I'm so ugly and stupid!
I'm sorry, Mom and Dad,
I know you hate me!
-I won't take no for an answer.
-London!
FATHER: And so Jesus said
if you have faith
there will be bread
and bread there is.
Bread, my children.
Yes, bread indeed.
Bread indeed.
Faith to you,
faith to you all.
Yes, faith to you.
Father!
Young Que!
My good man,
will you be so kind
as to hand
the rest of these out?
Of course, Father.
Tromeo, I thought--
Tromeo, I thought you never
woke before noon.
It's morning to you, Father,
but a late, late night to me.
Scantily clad table dancers
again, eh, my boy?
Tromeo,
I miss you in the confessional.
You were the most entertaining
if not quite the most
repentant of my parishioners.
Tell me, son, why do you have
that stupid look on your face?
A woman, Father.
A woman?
She is...unreal!
And you know her I think.
Juliet.
Juliet?
Capulet.
Juliet Capulet.
Capulet?
I know. I know I've had
problems with them before,
but no longer, Father.
I pledge.
I've got a new lease on life.
Or life has
a new lease on you.
Tromeo, as you realize
I've known your father
and Juliet's father for years.
Son, Cap just talked to me
about her marrying another man.
Father, her dad doesn't know
but she doesn't love Arbuckle.
Juliet and I,
we want to be married.
Father,
it can't be a coincidence
that I saw you here
this morning.
Father, tonight.
Tonight?
(Church bell rings)
He said he would call.
Looks like Tromeo...
Yes, oh, yes,
say my name again.
Okay, I'm fucking finished one.
I'm fucking finished one
real good.
Yes!
Shit.
That's right.
We're having major sex.
(Squeals) Tromeo.
Hmm, Tromeo.
Jiminy Christmas!
Yes, yes, I'm coming!
Yippie yahoo!
Sing it to the world!
Tromeo's coming,
yippie yahoo!
Oh, Tromeo.
You done?
(Phone ringing)
Hello.
TROMEO: Juliet.
Tromeo.
Hi, I have been trying to call
but your phone's been busy.
Oh?
Have you changed your mind?
Oh, no, oh, no.
Juliet, please
let rich music's tongue
unfold the imagined happiness
that both receive in either
by this dear encounter.
Oh, my true love
has grown to such excess.
When should we do it?
Tonight.
Tonight?
-Yes.
-Yes.
(Farting)
What's that noise?
Now kiss the bride.
(Church bell ringing)
I just have to figure out
how to tell them without
getting one of us killed.
I don't want to go.
Bye.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Totally sucks.
LEMMY: Act IV. Kill, Tromeo.
Kill and be resolved.
Arbuckle,
what the hell are you doing?
You're fucking yourself up.
Vic, fat boy.
Get out!
Leave me alone!
Why?
Oh, God, it's Juliet!
Juliet!
What'd you do to my cousin?
Yes, hit me, hit me.
You see, no matter what it is,
it'll never match
the pain inside.
She loves somebody else.
Someone else?
Someone else?
Tromeo!
I got to stand here
and watch that king Friday guy
and that guy scares the shit
out of me, very frankly.
I don't know.
Sesame Street's good.
They got them
cute little two guys
living in the same room.
But Mr. Rogers, that's more
on the community level.
So I disagree, I think
they're both good programs.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
We'd like to have
a word with you.
MURRAY: A word with me?
-Yes.
Or better yet,
how about a word for you?
Let's see, a word
for Tyrone Capulet.
Are you gonna take this,
Tyrone?
Boofball.
Dickbrain.
Peon.
Freak.
Cocksucker.
Low-so, ratcatcher, geek.
Dufus, anus, fruitcake, lunk,
fiddlefucker, dweeb, feeb.
Cunt.
Assfuck, that one's
close to the mark.
How about Guinea,
schmuck, or pussyfart?
You finish yet?
No, not quite.
Dildo, birdbrained,
bugger me biddy.
Bozo, fruitcake,
mother fucking sissy.
Wanker, yellowbelly,
hoedaddy, weeny.
Penis, troll,
chucklehead, meany.
Fruit, galoot,
fake hermaphrodite.
But what I think fits
you most, is bitch.
-Isn't about to be my--
-Fucking get him.
We just wanted to track
down Tromeo, okay?
Hey, like if we knew
we'd tell you anyway, huh?
If I had to guess
it wouldn't be so tough.
I'd say he was
in your cousin's mouth.
Hey, hey, hey, Ty.
Hello, Vic.
Hello, Tyrone.
GIRL: Well, well, well.
Hello, nothing.
What prank are you pulling
on my cousin, jerk?
Just 'cause you got
a problem with me,
don't take it out on her.
It won't work.
I ain't got no problems
with you.
The Ques have spilled blood,
your side has too.
Let's call it even now, Tyrone,
let's stop.
Hey, hey. Tyr.
Aah!
Watering the weeds, huh?
I love it!
Afraid his precious cousin
has been pinned to the bed
by Tromeo's spike, Tyrone?
Another butterfly
in his cockboard collection.
-Get your fucking hand--
-Forget it, Tyrone!
(Clamoring)
Get the fuck--
Harry! Move it!
(Screaming)
Major pain, Murray, major!
Oh, dear, Harry, I'm sorry.
I'm very--I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
You're the one I want!
WOMAN: Fuck me. Get him!
Oh!
Oh, my God.
MAN: Oh, man.
Come on, Ty, we got to go.
WOMAN: Get out of here!
Let's get the fuck out of here.
VIC: Ty, come on, we got to go.
WOMAN: Let's get
the fuck out of here.
Come on, let's go, let's go.
Hey, Ben, I think--
Ow!
When I was a kid, right,
I stepped on a nail one time.
It went right through
the top of my foot.
I thought nothing
would ever hurt worse.
I was wrong.
Man, I got to go soon.
Do me a favor?
Would you kiss me goodbye?
What?
It's my final
fucking request, man.
Fuck.
Murray was a fag.
(Police siren blaring)
Tyrone!
Fuck, Peter, get him!
Get ready to die,
motherfucker!
Get ready to die!
It happens to everyone
sooner or ladder!
(Women screaming)
It's another New York thing.
Look at that!
My God, stop!
Tromeo, you fucking bastard!
Brian, you got to work hard
to get ahead in life.
(Tyrone screaming)
(Screams) My hammock!
# Found a peanut,
found a peanut just now #
# Just now I found a peanut,
found a peanut just now #
# I cracked it open,
cracked it-- #
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
BENNY: Tromeo,
come on, little cousin.
Let's get the hell out
of here.
I'm coming, Ben!
Oh, my God.
Put it down! Put it down!
It's dirty.
Let's go.
(Kids cheering)
Oh, my knee.
Oh, it really hurts!
My knee really hurts.
Fucking assholes!
Now you fucks
have gone too far!
Goddamn heads
bouncing off of cars
while long island families
are singing "found a peanut!"
Well, he's "found a peanut,"
all right, honey.
He's found a peanut of death!
Now tell me who did this,
tell me now
or God help me, I'll break
his fucking nose off.
Tromeo, Tromeo Que did it.
Tromeo?
But why did he kill Tyrone?
Why?
Because
your precious cunt Juliet
is spreading her legs
for Tromeo.
Stop it, just stop it!
Don't you know?
She's in love with a Que.
She broke off
her engagement to London.
Daddy, I'm not dressed.
Are there any boundaries
at all anymore?
Are there any lines
that can't be crossed
by your generation of freaks?
I don't know what--
Shut up!
Shut up!
I will not be undermined
in my own home.
You listen to me.
You'll never ever
see Tromeo Que again.
You may escape the cops
with him, kid,
but you can't escape me.
I'll hire as many men as it
takes,
spend every dollar I have
to get you back here
and on that altar with Arbuckle!
Who I'm calling right now.
Who you're going to tell
you have reconsidered.
Which is not up for debate.
LONDON: Hello, Dad.
Dad, is it you?
Dad.
Police!
Open the fucking door!
Where is he?
Where is your son?
I don't know. I don't know.
You take me.
Come on now, honey, tell London
what you just told me.
I made a mistake.
I would like you
to take me back.
If?
If you'll have me.
Of course,
I will have you, Juliet.
I love you.
Where is your cousin?
You know where he is.
-Eat me--
-Stop it!
Oh, Father, where can he be?
Come, child, I have
something to show you.
Have faith that strong
miracles can happen.
Juliet, you must have faith.
His cousin Benny called
and told me what happened.
I was waiting for him.
When you're done,
come into my office,
I have one last idea on how
to get you out of your fix
with Arbuckle.
-Juliet.
-Tromeo.
Tell me you don't hate me
because I killed Ty.
No.
It's my fault,
if it wasn't for me
he never would have
gone after you like that.
No, it's not your fault,
don't say that.
Juliet, I must leave here.
No.
The cops, the Caps,
they're all after me.
They're gonna find me soon.
Please come with me.
Oh, yes!
But I have to get London
to change his mind
about me first.
Or else he and my father
will be after us forever.
I was hardly able to live
being without you.
Your grace, I had no idea
the dancers were topless.
They did raise a lot of money
for the church, however.
Your grace, someone just
came into my office,
I'll call you right back.
Dreadful man.
-You had an idea?
-Yes.
I'm writing down
the address of a man.
His name is Fu Chang--
an herbalist.
He's run an
opium den for 30 years
in the pit of Chinatown.
Here you go.
If anyone can conjure
a way out of your fix,
it's that
old sorcerer Fu Chang.
I don't know how to thank you
for all your help.
It's its own reward, dear.
I too know what it's like
to care for somebody.
(Church bell rings)
Hurry along, girl.
Hurry along.
Hey, Wendy,
she wants to see Fu Chang.
You're Fu Chang?
I'm Fu Chang, get over it, girl.
What's that you need help with?
All right, well,
it all started when my
father and Monty Que
went to
Tromaville
High School together.
They started
the Tromaville Film Society.
It wasn't long
after that actually
that I came along
and the first thing I remember
was probably my birthday.
And I got to the street
and that's where I met
a woman outside and we came
walking up the stairs
and she told
the nice ladies with tattoos
to take me over to Fu Chang
and then you said--
Enough, enough.
Whatever the case, old Fu Chang
has got your answer.
You do?
This here
is a mixture of herbs.
And that's sure to scare the
shit right out of any meat freak
who admires too much
your surface.
You are not enough
the person beneath.
LEMMY: Act V.
Juliet made over.
I'm supposed to meet
London here at noon.
He wants to see me
before we marry.
Just relax, keep an eye out
for my car outside your window.
We'll be there by 12:05.
Oh, my God.
Fu Chang ripped me off,
$100 for colored water.
Juliet?
Are you okay in there?
Yes!
Yes, I'm fine!
She must be ringing up those
1-900 lines again.
Fu Chang didn't just rip me off,
he wanted to kill me.
Oh, true about the carry,
thy drugs are quick.
Oh.
You didn't think a potion
could do what he claimed.
Now did you, Juliet?
After all
it wasn't F.D.A. approved.
You are correct, Prozac boy.
And in just a few minutes
you'll be joining us.
Of course, you won't be
as pretty as me.
It's only fair,
don't you think, Juliet?
Because of you we are dead.
You find the greatest love
the world has ever known.
And on the way we have to
pay for it with our lives!
No.
As if miss Juliet Capulet
is so all important,
and we're just little tiny ants
to be squashed.
Oh, Sammy baby,
you got that right.
-Squashed.
-Squashed!
-Squashed.
-Squashed.
-Squashed.
-Decimated!
-Squashed.
-Squashed!
No. No!
Take it fellows.
# Shall we gather
at the river #
# Where bright angel
feet have trod #
# With the crystal tide
forever #
# That flows
to the throne of God #
# Yes, we'll gather
at the river #
# The beautiful,
beautiful river #
# We gather
with the saints at the river #
# That flows
to the throne of God #
(applause)
The potion is working.
Welcome back. Welcome back.
Turkey?
Later.
Ready for the big day, son?
Right this way, my boy.
You know, since we all
had dinner together,
she's becoming
a totally changed woman.
As a matter of fact--
You'll find that
after you're married
she'll become a docile
little bovine.
Now get on.
Padre, hurry!
Holy Mary, full of grace,
give this bitch
the speed
of the holy spirit!
Hello, Juliet.
I wanted to stop by before
we got married to tell you that,
that I know
that you don't love me now.
But I feel that in the future--
-London.
-(Screams)
But I do.
I do love you.
No, no, no!
Oh, you're looking at my face,
aren't you?
What--what happened?
It's just acne.
Acne, Juliet.
That is not acne.
Did you see,
this is why I was so hesitant?
My father only let me
see you on good days.
Ugh!
Tell me you don't care, London.
Tell me your love for me goes
beneath the hide--I mean, skin.
Oh, boy.
I have to think about this.
Wait.
I have a special little present
just for you.
Surprise.
After all, you always said
you loved the crying game.
(Juliet giggling)
(Laughing)
Bye-bye.
CAPPY: You!
Makeup.
You might as well have slipped
your hand into my pocket
and taken out
a billion dollars, girl.
God damn you--
You go ahead, Tromeo,
I'll take care of these goons.
Fuck you!
Oh, God.
I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to kill you
and fuck you at the same time.
No!
Juliet!
You leave
your daughter alone.
(Indistinct shouting)
My love.
(Cappy shouting)
I need my bow,
my bow, my bow!
-Where is my bow?
-Here you go, sir.
Where is my--
Not my coat bow, stupid,
my crossbow.
Here, Mr. Capulet.
Crossbow, good, thank you.
Here comes William tell!
Shit.
I'm going to wipe you off
the face of the earth
like a piece of shit
from God's ass.
(Screaming)
JULIET: I hate you!
You sick bastard.
Vicious mole of nature.
(Groaning)
I can't see anything.
TROMEO: Come on, he's done.
You miserable fucking
monkeys in heat.
Open that door.
Open that door now!
Swing it wide.
Swing it open!
Move in, out.
Get up there in one piece.
I'm gonna be the one
that's gonna break your bones.
Old Capulet brings
civilization to animals.
Look upon your
glass coffin, kids.
Look upon my work,
ye mighty, and despair.
Ozymandias,
Percy Bysshe Shelley.
Now!
My little pumpkins.
My little joy.
I'm going to open this door
and you're going
to follow me ever so quietly.
And go in ever so quietly
and do just as I say.
Key.
Open, open, open.
No, honey, don't!
I'm not Daddy's little
crenshaw melon any longer.
Don't! Don't, sweetie!
Well, looks like you are
off the hook, kid,
thanks to your friend,
the priest here.
He got a couple of very
legitimate signed confessions
out of these two lumps.
It's not my fault.
My father's an alcoholic.
And I'm a victim too.
Anyway, according to them
you acted in self-defense
against this
boofball Tyrone.
Thank you, Father.
What about
what we did to Cap?
Open and shut, obviously just
like you said, self-defense.
Matter of fact, I got a feeling
with Cap out of the way
things are gonna be a lot
more peaceful in Manhattan.
You guys are free to go.
You know, priest,
I like your style.
You ever consider coming
to work for a guy like me?
Do you ever get the chance
to work with kids?
Juliet.
Tromeo.
Come on, let's go,
she just wants me to stay.
Tromeo!
Oh, thank the lord
you haven't left yet, son.
I've been as bad
a father as I could be.
Dad, what are you
talking about?
Your father and I, we need
to tell you some things.
What's this?
It all started
when I was married to your dad.
Now Monty as everybody knew
was the triedest
and truest
of the sentimental fools.
So Cap concocted
a scheme to exploit
this trait to betray
Mont's nature
by simply twisting fate.
First, I fooled him
into thinking that the child
was his own and like
an old mother hen
he got attached
to the bone.
He thought never again
would he ever be alone.
Second.
I broke him the news
without remorse.
Hey, Monty jerk,
I want a divorce
and if you want
to know the truth,
this baby
don't belong to you.
These days they can
prove it in a lab
Cap is, you are not
the real dad.
So, hey, Monty,
I'm taking him away
and you got no legal right
to make him stay.
No, no! Don't! No!
INGRID: Third. Cap told him
how he could keep the kid.
Sign right here.
INGRID: He said.
On the dotted line,
this contract which makes
Silky Films all mine.
INGRID: And so now Monty
signed like Cappy asked.
Cap agreed we'd never take
Tromeo back and we would never
breathe a word of the fact
that I was your mom and Cap,
he was your dad.
And I never have,
that is to say until today.
So we got what we wanted.
Silky was won,
but I never forgave myself
for losing a son.
So we're--
Son, perhaps you haven't
noticed but I'm black.
I wondered about that.
But, Dad, why didn't you
tell me about my mother?
Because I don't want
that bitch whore
to have nothing,
nothing to do with your life.
So you are my brother?
See, kids, that's why
you can't be together.
Well?
Well?
Sweet are the uses
of adversity
which like the toad,
ugly and venomous,
wears yet a precious
jewel in his head.
Let every eye negotiate
for itself and trust no agent.
What are you guys talking about?
Fuck it.
We've come this far.
Oh, no!
LEMMY: Epilogue,
six years later,
"Tromaville, New Jersey,
in the new world."
Hey, hey.
Monty.
How is my favorite
daughter-in-law?
Kids!
Grandpa's here!
KIDS: Grandpa! Grandpa!
Grandpa!
(Child crying)
Little Murray's
causing trouble again.
Hey, what's the matter, kid?
Need someone to play with?
Daddy will play.
Hold on.
LEMMY: So this is the dawn
of the 21st age
where love ever rules
and all is insane.
And all of our hearts free
to let all base things go.
As taught by Juliet
and her Tromeo.
(Laughter)
(Applause)
-Yeah. Oh, yeah.
-Troma!
-That is good.
-Hey, now I don't have to read the play.
Yea!