1
10,000 pardons, your excellency.
It's quite unavoidable,
I assure you -
Ceremonies, affairs of state,
speeches, you know.
Oh.
His royal highness
prince florizel.
Is expected back at any moment.
His majesty begs that you will
overlook the slight delay.
Hmm.
I trust that you bring
pleasant tidings.
From your sovereign king
of irania?
His majesty the king of irania
has the gout.
Oh, the gout.
Well, how unfortunate.
I - If you'll excuse me,
your excellency.
Where is that dawdler geraldine?
Your majesty.
Well, where's the prince?
For 15 years, we've been
negotiating this marriage,
And now there's no prince.
You're responsible
for the arrangements.
Yes, sire. Where is he?
He - Where is he?
At 10:30, his royal highness
was to open the autumn bazaar.
At 11:00, address the widows of
the veterans of the war of 1837.
At 11:30, dedicate two lifeboats
for the life of his com-
That's what he's doing now.
It's exactly 11:30.
Go and fetch him.
Well, what are you
standing there for?
Yes, your majesty.
Oh, for the ambassador's party,
I presume.
Not for the ambassador's party?
Well, where is it going?
I'm not permitted to say,
colonel.
It's a secret.
Secret?
Balance yourself.
What's going on here?
Where's his royal highness?
What are you doing
with those poles?
Look here, gerry.
Ooh, I-I beg your pardon,
your highness.
You're just in time
to see me realize.
One of my greatest ambitions.
I've always wanted to try
one of these things.
Yes, I know.
All right, take the poles away.
Oh, no! For goodness sake,
don't -
This is very irregular
and inopportune.
I couldn't go to the carnival,
so the carnival came to me.
Do you want to try it?
Oh, no, no, thank you.
I'm better off - Now, this is
no time for dancing.
His majesty, your father,
Demands your presence
immediately.
He's been waiting
for over an hour.
Oh, well,
I guess the fun's all over.
Yes.
How do I get down
off this thing?
Yes, how does he get down?
Hey!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, now, see what you've done.
So, that's the way you get down!
Oh, I'm all right.
Well, you better all go now
and take your wire with you.
Thank you very much.
What is it this time?
The iranian ambassador.
Oh.
Last time I saw princess Brenda,
She had a horse bit
in her mouth, pigtails,
And lenses over her eyes.
Yes, but they say she has
an excellent mind.
The better to bore you with,
my dear.
In short, your majesty,
The court of irania
is unanimously enthusiastic.
For this proposed alliance.
But, uh...
But what, sir?
There is, unfortunately,
one exception.
Pray be good enough
to explain yourself, sir.
Princess Brenda.
The princess Brenda
is not enthusiastic?
I find it a very, uh, delicate
matter to explain, your majesty.
Perhaps I may be pardoned.
If I express her highness'
attitude in her own words.
They were as follows -
"I will never buy a pig
in a poke."
Merely a figure
of speech, of course.
And a very colorful one, too.
Proceed, baron.
And there for the present,
your majesty,
I believe the matter rests.
Very well.
We shall instruct our ambassador.
To continue
with the negotiations.
Pray do not inconvenience
yourself on my account, sir.
May we not say
that I have loved and lost.
You have our leave to retire.
Your majesty,
your royal highness.
Now, gentlemen, we have
no further need of you today.
Not you two.
Colonel geraldine,
you'll remain within call.
Me?
Oh, of course, your majesty.
I'd be delighted, I'm sure.
Delighted, I'm sure.
My boy...
The time has come.
I'm sorry.
No.
We are living in difficult days.
Republics are springing up
around us like mushrooms,
And your conduct is not
making it any easier for us.
I'm sorry, sir.
Yes, but not sorry enough,
confound it.
You are the crowned prince,
And the people expect
something more from you.
Than frivolity and extravagance.
And they're right. They should.
Remember our revolution
of three years ago.
When stafgar and the others
were killed.
Those revolutionists weren't
small - Dr. Noel, madam polar.
They escaped,
but they'll try it again.
Do you realize that less than
three months ago,
The secret service uncovered
a plot to kill you?
No, sir.
Well, it's true.
Some anarchistic young woman.
What happened to her?
She escaped, too.
Oh, I see.
Well, what do you want me
to do, sir?
Well, you are
the crowned prince.
And the crowned prince
should get married...
I've heard that, sir.
Whether he wants to or not.
Now we're really down to it.
We are, my boy.
And she is, of course?
Princess Brenda of irania.
Yes, sir?
Being the crowned prince,
you must one day rule carovia.
We cannot escape it.
That's all I have to say.
I wonder what carovia
would think, sir,
If you and I went out
and got drunk.
I wish we could.
I'm afraid I haven't
very much of an answer.
To what you just said.
I don't think there is one.
But I don't want you
to answer now.
It'll take at least a month.
For these negotiations
to be completed.
I want you to think it over.
I want you to think it over well
before you decide.
I will.
And thank you.
Oh, send colonel geraldine
to me, will you?
Yes, sir.
Hello, colonel geraldine.
I hope I'm not taking
too much for granted.
In presuming
that you're fond of my son.
Oh, no, your majesty.
I love his royal highness
very dearly.
I mean - Good.
I like him, too.
Don't mind saying it.
He's a fine boy.
Yes, your majesty.
You and I probably know him.
Better than anyone else,
don't we?
Yes, indeed, your majesty.
I want you to help me
with him now.
Of course, your majesty.
I - I don't mind saying
that I'd gladly - I'd -
I'd give my life
for his royal highness.
I know you would, gerry.
We couldn't have shown all the
patience we did in raising him.
Without loving him, could we?
Remember some of the things
he used to do?
Remember the time
that he hid your crown.
In the waste basket?
But, uh, he isn't a boy
any longer, gerry.
No, your majesty.
And I've just had to hurt him,
really, for the first time.
It's about
this marriage business.
Yes, your majesty.
And you can help him
where I can't.
He's had a hard blow.
But if I know anything
at all about him,
He'll come through it all right,
but he'll fight.
There's no knowing what
he may do in the next month.
So I want you
to take him away somewhere,
To london, but never let him
out of your sight.
Yes, your majesty.
I'll do my best, your majesty.
And understand this,
colonel geraldine.
If anything happens to him,
If one hair of his head
is harmed,
Or one line gets into
the newspapers about him,
No matter what he does,
I'll have your hide nailed
to the palace walls.
Is that clear?
Oh, uh, yes, your majesty.
Good.
Got a cigarette?
Oh, yes, yes, cigarette,
your majesty.
Oh, beg your pardon, sir.
That was an exciting moment.
Stupid fellow.
This is the dullest, most stupid
boat trip I have ever been on.
Maybe we might play a game?
Let me see, uh...
I'm thinking
of a famous english poet.
Whose name begins with "t."
I'll give you 20 guesses.
Tennyson.
Oh, yes,
you got it the first time.
Would you like to think of one?
Well, anyway,
I'm glad we're going to london.
I can bring back an english
plum pudding for aunt elsa.
She's always wanted one.
Man: Mr. Godall.
Paging mr. Godall.
Mr. Godall. Paging mr. Godall.
Hmm? Oh, yes, of course.
Steward, I'm mr. Godall.
For you, sir.
Have you forgotten,
major Hammersmight,
I am mr. Godall.
Gerry, old boy,
This trip may not have been
without its compensations.
I'm going to meet a lady
in cabin "c."
But you don't know any lady
on board.
I have a feeling
I'm about to know one.
But...
Woman: Come in.
Madam.
It was good of you to come,
mr. Godall.
It was better of you
to ask me, miss, uh...
I'm sorry.
But for the moment, my identity
must remain a secret.
Oh, yes, that's quite
understandable.
I beg your pardon.
Are you a brave man, mr. Godall?
Madam, have you ever been
kicked in the shins?
I beg your pardon?
The last woman who asked me that
was kicked in the shins.
This is no laughing matter.
Madam, until I know
what the matter is,
I scarcely know
whether to laugh or cry.
Mr. Godall,
I need your help desperately.
There are people
on board this boat.
Whom I have reason to believe
would stop at nothing.
To get possession of -
Of these documents.
I'm going to ask you
to carry them for me.
I would be delighted, madam.
I can explain nothing to you.
I think it only fair to warn you.
That those who would attack me
for this envelope.
Would attack you, as well.
Oh, come, come, madam.
We're not living
in the middle ages.
I know whereof I speak, sir.
Perhaps so.
But I would accept far worse
than this to see you again.
You will take this
and leave the ship with it.
And then?
You will meet me at the foot
of the gangplank.
And return it to me.
Is that clear?
Quite.
Have you ever faced actual
danger before, mr. Godall?
Madam, a bomb was thrown
into my baby carriage.
As I lay there gurgling.
I picked it up and played
with it as though it were a toy.
Of course,
a baby doesn't know very much.
Uh, perhaps there's another
mr. Godall on board?
Uh, mr. Godall, perhaps?
You are mr. Godall.
Oh, yes, of course.
How stupid of me.
And you?
You'll kindly not attempt
to leave the room, mr. Godall.
You'll have reason
to regret it if you do.
Madam, you know
what I have come for.
Your mission is in vain, sir.
Madam, I'm prepared,
as you know, to insist.
You appear to forget, sir,
That no gentleman ever insists
over any protest of a lady.
It would be a pity, sir,
To waste your life when you've
lived so little of it.
Madam, give them to me.
You're wasting your time, sir.
The lady has none
and wants none of you.
I suppose that she has,
of course, given them to you.
You're very good
at guessing games.
You should meet
a friend of mine.
I beg of you, sir,
do not force me to violence.
Ah, major Hammersmight,
how nice of you to come.
We were just about
to have some tea.
May I introduce my friends,
madam... corde.
And monsieur danto.
Dant-Uh, tea at this hour?
This is no time for tea.
We're docking.
Are we, indeed?
Then we mustn't detain
madam corde a moment longer.
Come, gentlemen.
We will have tea
another time, madam.
Well, sir,
if you don't need me anymore...
What? Oh, no, I'm sorry.
There was no trouble.
I mean, thank you very much.
Very good, sir.
And now, sir,
if I may bid you good night.
With this admonition -
Don't trouble the lady again.
Thank you very much
for your advice.
Major Hammersmight.
Monsieur danto.
Madam corde, monsieur danto -
What kind of people are they?
Gerry. What?
This has been
the nicest boat trip.
That it has ever been
my pleasure to take.
Oh, listen. Well, i...
But this is madness.
You mustn't expose yourself.
Can't you see it?
It's obviously a plot
against your life.
Who would take the life
of mr. Godall?
But they may have seen through
your incognito.
Nonsense, major.
You do her an injustice -
A girl with eyes like that
and so fearless.
But you can't do this.
A Godall never fails.
This envelope
must be returned to her.
Oh, but you...
Come, come, major Hammersmight.
Don't worry yourself.
Well, mr. Godall,
did you find the young lady?
Are all the passengers ashore?
Everyone, sir.
Uh, steward,
have you seen the young lady.
Who occupied this stateroom?
Lady, sir?
This stateroom
has been unoccupied.
For the entire voyage.
Thank you. Yes, sir.
Yes, now, are you convinced.
That the young lady's distress
was errant fiction?
Yes, but I still
have her envelope.
Hey, don't do that.
Blank paper.
A little more of the hot, sir?
Thank you.
You know,
her eyes weren't really blue.
They were a kind of
a deep violet.
I rather thought
they were black.
Yes, kind of haunting.
Did you notice the eerie
but firm movements of her body,
The distinguished grace
of her head, the -
All lost forever.
You speak as if
you blame me for it.
Blame you?
Why should I blame you?
I'm having
a charming conversation.
With a delightful young woman
when you appear uninvited,
As if you were leading
your whole regiment of dragoons.
In a cavalry charge.
And you ask me
why I should blame you?
But your father -
My father did not say that I was
to be trundled on your knee.
And fed from a bottle.
Little more
of the hot water, sir?
No. No, thank you.
I am in enough -
I mean, plenty of hot water.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Would you care to order now?
The ris de veau
is superb tonight.
Oh, dinner.
Oh, well, I thought that -
Don't you think it would be nice
to have a quiet dinner here.
And then perhaps
a little game of cribbage?
Dine here?
Well, we could go in the
dining room if you prefer it.
I am dining out.
Oh, no, now, you mustn't -
That's very da-
After a hot bath,
and it's foggy,
And the weather is wretched.
You must be all tired out
after your journey.
Have you any suggestions
as to where we should dine?
I take it you'd like some place
out of the usual, sir?
Exactly.
The caf travetoro -
Just the spot.
The cuisine is excellent,
and there's a lady what sings.
Good.
The caf travetoro it is.
Oh, dash it all.
And it's so comfortable and
cheerful here, and - And snug.
They're dining at the
caf travetoro, madam, in soho.
Thank you.
I've been out and about
with you scads.
Setting all london in flames.
From waterloo bridge
to trafalgar square.
We've been playing
the sauciest games.
So the boys bring their
breeches behind them.
"Different," he said it was.
"Effervescent" was the word
I believe he used.
You should have asked him
to define it.
As I remember, it was your idea
to come here, mr. Godall.
Shall we go?
Magnificent suggestion, major.
Pardon me, madam.
Would you be good enough
to allow me to offer you.
One of these excellent
cream tarts?
Hey?
It'll cost you nothing whatever.
Oh, don't take it. Don't eat it.
Then you'll see what happens.
Go on. Don't take it.
What are you talking about?
Don't take it, and you'll die
laughing when you see.
Nah. Take it away.
Sorry.
Man: He's been going up and down
the street for half an hour.
Blimey if he ain't.
I, uh - I think we better go
before he becomes wild.
No, no, no, major,
not at the moment.
Come on.
Eat up, eat up.
Everybody, get out.
And you, too. Go on.
You can't make this service
part of my place.
You're not bringing
any business.
Your point is well taken, sir,
and not without justice.
Oh, oh, quite right, sir.
Quite right.
Gentlemen,
will you do me the honor.
Of accepting
one of my cream tarts?
Oh, no, I don't think
I'd better.
Thank you very much.
Ooh, but I can assure you
of their quality,
Having eaten no less than 2 dozen
and 3 of them myself since 5:00.
Sir, the quality of the gift
does not interest me.
As much as the spirit
in which it is offered.
The spirit, sir,
is one of mockery.
Mockery? Whom do you
mock? Oh, myself, sir.
Only myself and my life,
Which now draws swiftly
to an end.
And now, gentlemen, I hope
you'll have one of my tarts.
For if you don't,
I must eat my 28th,
And I own to being weary
of the exercise.
Sir, you spoke of the end
of your life.
I did, sir.
But now, uh -
Not until I know
what the end of your life.
Has to do with these no doubt
superior cream tarts.
A fair inquiry, my dear sir.
It is only that I happen
to be cursed.
With a sense
of the fitness of things.
In bringing to a close
a life spent in folly,
It seems only right
to conclude it.
In the silliest
imaginable manner.
Sir, you are either
a madman or a poet.
Both, sir.
And now, gentlemen, if you'll
be kind enough to oblige me -
We should be delighted... upon
one condition. And that is?
That you join us for dinner
by way of recompense.
Oh, you're very kind, sir, but I
still have a number of tarts left.
How many?
There appear to be, um, 10.
My companion and I
are deeply sympathetic.
Over your predicament,
are we not, major?
Huh? Oh, yes, rather.
I propose that we each eat three
of the cream tarts,
The remaining one
to be disposed of by lot.
Shall we toss for it?
As you wish, sir.
Odd man gets the extra tart.
Mine's a head, sir.
And mine.
Yes, mine's a tail, hang it all.
Lucky chap.
So, having great talent
as a spendthrift,
I am penniless.
Having overindulged in all
the pleasures of the world,
I can no longer enjoy anything.
In short, the story of
a ridiculous and futile life.
I hope I haven't bored you
with the telling.
On the contrary, sir,
it's been very interesting -
A picture of a life extravagant,
romantic, and useless.
I feel a great kinship
with you, sir.
Thank you.
Perhaps then you can understand
how a man as young as I.
Can be so heartily weary of life.
That he literally has made up
his mind to die.
A very understandable
philosophy indeed, sir.
May I remind you
that we're expected elsewhere?
And I too have a last
appointment that will not wait.
Gentlemen, I've exceedingly
enjoyed your company.
I regret that we shan't meet
again in this world.
This appointment of which
you speak -
Forgive me, sir.
It concerns myself,
myself alone.
I do not ask from idle
curiosity, believe me.
I go to keep my tryst
with death.
You really speak of suicide?
Please, do me the courtesy, sir,
of believing me.
I would not doubt
your words, sir.
But have you considered the
result of so serious an action?
Think of your family,
think of your good name,
The stigma of suicide.
Surely, this very sense
of the fitness of things.
Of which you speak
should prevent you -
Now, there I have you.
It is my one last victory
over life.
That I have found a way to
achieve death without the disgrace.
That ordinarily
attaches itself to suicide.
I do not understand you, sir.
How is that possible?
I regret that I'm not at liberty
to tell you that, sir.
May I again tell you that I
do not ask from idle curiosity?
I don't follow you.
Perhaps you will
if I tell you, though,
You had no way of knowing.
That you see before you
two gentlemen.
As desperate as yourself.
Indeed?
My friend the major
will corroborate me.
What do you mean?
I mean that my unfortunate
friend and I.
Are no less determined than you.
To put an end to an existence
which is bitter and futile.
Like you, we seek an exit.
Which is not too vulgar
for men of taste and quality.
Oh, look here, I say -
Surely, gentlemen,
you speak in jest.
But that is your affair.
Here is your health.
And good night to you,
my merry ruined men.
Since we are determined,
why can't we go,
All three of us,
together into the next world?
Gentlemen,
even in this brief meeting,
I've come to like you
very greatly indeed.
Why should I not
repay your kindness.
By doing you perhaps
the greatest service.
That, under the circumstances,
one man may do another?
Why not, indeed?
But first, I have your word that
you won't betray my confidence?
Of course. Uh-Huh.
Good.
Then you may consider
your problems at an end.
Splendid.
And how is this arranged?
Quite simply. The suicide club.
Suicide club?
Exactly.
Death's private door.
Once through that door,
All is arranged for you
by expert minds.
By your own choice, you die,
but not by your own hands,
Swiftly, apparently accidently,
without the disgrace of suicide.
In short, in a manner
becoming a gentleman.
You amaze me, sir.
Such a place really exists?
I trust that you will again
do me the honor.
Not to doubt my word.
It does indeed exist.
Only naturally,
it's a very secret enterprise.
And how are these extraordinary
results obtained?
For that, no man may know.
Until he enters the portals
of the club.
Is there any reason why you
can't take us with you?
Not if you have
100 pounds apiece.
Aha, 100 pounds. There you are.
Not for me. It's
the admission fee to the club.
The rule is strict.
Accursed life, but even decent
death has become a luxury.
Well, gentlemen,
it's getting late.
Do you come with me
or not? By all means.
And you, sir? Uh, yes, rather.
Then we must be off.
In half an hour,
the door will be barred.
The door? What door?
The door of death.
Return to the hotel.
Follow that cab,
not too closely.
Uh, will you, major?
Oh, yes.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll
go make a preliminary arrangement.
With the president of the club.
Of all your follies, this is
the wildest and most dangerous.
While there's still time, I -
Aren't you attaching
too much importance.
To this young man's
story, major?
Surely, nothing so preposterous
really exists.
How do we know it?
It may be a plot.
It may be anything.
I see in it some elaborate
sort of a joke,
Some ingenious machinery
to relieve us of 200 pounds.
But we'd be buying
200 pounds worth.
Of excitement and adventure.
Yes, well, it's all in
very bad taste, I must say.
Am I to understand
that the major is afraid?
My fear is certainly
not personal, sir.
I'm sorry, major.
Well, then...
Good evening, gentlemen.
Good evening.
I'm told you wish
to speak to me.
We are greatly desirous, sir,
of joining your club.
Yes, the, uh, the suicide club.
The suicide club?
Well, I - We thought
that you were the president.
I, president of a suicide club?
Come, come, I can make
alliances with gentlemen.
Merry in their liquor,
But this is a folly
for all fools' day.
This is a private club,
gentlemen.
I'm afraid you made a mistake.
Oh, well, in that case,
If we're intruding, I'm sorry.
This is not fair, sir.
This is not fair.
I have abided faithfully
by your rules.
Now I appeal to you
as president of this club.
I must have the ace of spades.
And the happy release
of death tonight.
Calm yourself, I beg of you,
sir frederick.
Yes, tonight.
I suggest a glass of brandy.
But to-But tonight.
Tell me, gentlemen, what reason
can you possibly have.
For, what shall I say,
terminating your existence?
A very excellent reason, sir.
My friend here has been
dismissed from the army.
For cheating at cards.
The chagrin of being caught
preys upon him.
An excellent reason, indeed.
And you, sir?
Let us say that my reason
is one of weariness,
Weariness at the reflection
that inevitably greets me.
In my shaving mirror
each morning.
In short, sir,
the futility of existence.
Gentlemen,
I believe you sufficiently.
That I'm about to go against
all precedent.
And do you the honor
of admitting you immediately.
You may readily understand
how unusual this procedure is.
When I point out.
That the humanitarian ideals
of our society.
Are somewhat too, shall we say,
advanced and enlightened.
For our friends the police
to understand.
We fully appreciate the delicacy
of your position, sir.
The choice to all matters
is decided.
Rather than deny men
such as you,
I'll strain the regulations.
Yes, well, don't strain them
too much if you...
You have honored us, sir.
And we are grateful.
Down this way, gentlemen.
Oh, I'd almost forgotten.
You have the trifling matter
of 100 pounds each,
I presume - The initiation fee?
Certainly.
And a very reasonable sum,
too, sir.
Will you, major?
Oh, yes.
Very reasonable price.
I always thought death
was rather a lonely fellow.
He seems to have quite a number
of visitors here tonight.
When the night is over,
one of those hats and coats.
Will no longer hang there.
Now, if you'll register.
"Theophilus Godall."
"Alfred Hammersmight."
Obviously pseudonyms.
But no matter.
I doubt if there's
a correct name on the register.
Now, gentlemen,
the club is yours.
You mean, we just go in there
and be slaughtered?
Nothing so crude as that.
If we possess nothing else,
we possess finesse.
Oh, well, uh, how is it, uh -
I mean, how do we, uh -
I regret, gentlemen,
that my time just now.
Is too occupied
for explanations.
You'll find out in due time.
Isn't that the man who spoke
of the ace of spades?
Yes.
I wonder what he meant.
You know, I have a funny idea.
That this isn't quite
what we expect.
Never mind, major.
We will find out.
Just a moment, major.
Good evening.
Madam, I -
Man: Gentlemen, if you please.
The deal.
Attention, gentlemen.
Silence, please.
For the benefit
of our new members,
I remind you the ace of clubs
designates the executioner,
The ace of spades,
the card of death,
The fortunate victim.
Is that clear?
The five of clubs.
Seven of hearts.
Man: Two of spades.
Man 2: Five of diamonds.
Nine of hearts.
Nine of spades.
Man 3: Nine of clubs.
Ace of spades.
You are content
with the card, mr. Barnley?
I thank you, sir.
Man 4: Seven of clubs.
Nine of diamonds.
The ace of clubs.
If mr. Barnley
and miss vandeleur.
Will kindly step this way,
I'll give them
their instructions.
Come on, sir,
let's get out of here.
Wait, gerry, wait.
When she comes out of that room,
we're going to follow her.
Follow her? I must talk to her.
I must find out
what this is all about.
Gentlemen, you're all at liberty
to leave when you wish.
The principals have gone.
The lady has gone, sir?
Yes, quite some time ago
by the customary private exit.
Perhaps you were not informed.
It is a rule of the club
that no one can leave.
Until the principals have gone.
To forestall curiosity
on the part of other members.
I shall expect you
tomorrow night.
I never saw anything like it -
Those monstrous, weird,
distorted minds.
And that malthus.
Nonsense. It can't be so.
For this is london -
The fog, the lights,
the sounds of the city.
It's fantastic.
It can't be real.
You saw it with your own eyes.
And that lovely girl -
At this very moment conveying
that misguided,
Unfortunate youth
through the night to his death.
Nonsense, I tell you.
Why, she couldn't.
She isn't capable.
I wish I were as sure.
Isn't there something
we can do about it?
Yes, there's something
we can do about it.
We can go home and have a drink
and forget about it.
Oh.
Will you please go away?
Thank you, sir.
Is everything all right, sir?
Oh, yes. Everything's splendid.
The coffee's like dishwater,
the eggs are underdone,
And the toast is cold.
Thank you, sir.
Anything else, sir?
No. Yes, get out of here.
Thank you, sir.
Looks like a very fine day.
As a matter of fact -
Good grief!
What is it?
Listen to this.
Yeah?
"Died - Barnley."
Barnley?!
"Cecil carteret,
"Son of the honorable
richard carteret barnley.
Suddenly, on april 13th,
age 26 years and 2 months."
"Interment - Private."
Good heavens! That girl -
She did it! She killed him!
Oh, but, your highness,
this is madness.
We should never
have come here again.
We ought to have turned the
whole matter over to the police.
Gerry, I warned you.
If you say one word to
the police, you'll answer to me.
Oh, but.
I can't believe this girl is a murderess.
I won't believe it. But even -
There must be some explanation
for this,
And I'm going to find out
what it is.
Well, all right, then.
Let us go in.
Good lad.
Permit me to commend you
upon the efficiency.
With which you discharged
your obligations of last night.
Miss vandeleur: Thank you.
Attention, then, gentlemen.
The deal.
Five of spades.
King of clubs.
Man: The eight of diamonds.
Man 2: Deuce of clubs.
Five of clubs.
The ace of spades.
Congratulations, sir.
Thank you.
Man 3: Queen of hearts.
Man 4: Four of diamonds.
Six of clubs.
The ace of clubs.
Well, miss vandeleur,
Fate seems to choose you
as her instrument.
With amusing regularity.
A witticism of eternity,
one might say.
Hmm.
Oh, the formalities.
Miss vandeleur,
Perhaps you have not met
your colleague mr. Godall?
Delighted, miss vandeleur.
It's very nice of you to, uh -
How do you do?
If you'll excuse us,
I'll give miss vandeleur
her instructions.
Well, here we are.
I had hoped we'd meet again,
But I never expected
it would be like this.
Oh, come, come, miss vandeleur,
this is my funeral, not yours.
I never expected to enter
the gates of valhalla.
In such silence.
Oh, by the way...
Permit me
to return your property.
A little late, perhaps, but I'm
glad not to have failed you.
Thank you.
Do you mind telling me.
Why you entrusted a blank sheet
of paper to my care?
It suited my purpose
at the moment.
I see.
Well, that clears up
one confusion.
And plunges me
right into another.
I thought we'd meet again.
It's funny the way things
turn out, isn't it?
Very funny.
May I?
Don't you think we might drive
a little bit more slowly?
When the time came, mr. Barnley
didn't want to die, either.
But you killed him? Yes.
I trust his reluctance caused
you no real unpleasantness.
No.
Of course, he is not
in a position to complain.
How do you think you're going to
feel about killing me?
Since you wish to die,
I'm only doing you a favor.
Very obliging of you, I'm sure.
Could you give me any ideas
to the nature.
Of my, uh, my extinction?
Is it to be
without warning, or...?
You are to be torn to pieces.
I am to be, uh...?
Oh.
By whom?
You will learn in time.
Don't you think that's a little
bit crueler than necessary?
Perhaps. Are you afraid?
Now, is that a fair question?
If I am afraid, I am a coward.
If I am not afraid, I am a fool.
Don't you agree with me?
I say, you're not a very
brilliant conversationalist,
Are you?
Well, I suppose a woman of
action is a woman of silence.
Please.
Look here.
Suppose I change my mind.
Suppose I fall in love with you
and don't want to die.
Mr. Godall, if you don't
instantly let go of my hand -
You'll kill me.
Stop here, please.
Drive up the road 100 paces
and wait for me at the inn.
Yes, ma'am.
We'll walk from here.
Don't you think you'll be
frightened walking back alone?
Perhaps I had better
walk back with you.
Where are we going?
What's that?
Animals?
Lions.
That's near enough.
"Unknown man
torn to pieces by lions.
"Keeper accidentally
leaves door of cage open.
Stranger fumbly wanders
into zoo after closing hour."
And now, sir,
if you're quite ready.
Is there anything
you wish to say?
Nothing, madam.
Open the door,
and let's get it over with.
Come, come, madam.
Don't!
Go away.
You fool.
You utter fool.
Why didn't you
go through with it?
What would you have done
if I had opened that door?
I'd have closed it again,
I assure you.
Why did you weaken?
You did such a nice job
of barnley last night.
Please, go away.
How did that death notice
get in the papers?
Anyone can put a death notice
in the papers.
And?
I - I gave barnley money.
He went to paris.
I talked him
out of wanting to die.
You all right?
Yes. Who can it be?
I don't know.
We'll have to run for it
and get to the inn.
Stay low.
What's all this at this hour?
I'm sorry to get you up,
but could you take us in?
Huh? Well, I think so. Come in.
Thank you.
I thought it would be safer
if we waited until daylight.
I don't understand
that shooting.
Evidently, we haven't finished
with the suicide club.
What?
The president is the only one
who knew where we were going.
Oh.
And now, madam,
perhaps you will be good enough.
To explain yourself.
I'm not accustomed, sir,
To having explanations
demanded of me.
I do not intend to fence with
you any longer, miss vandeleur,
Which, undoubtedly,
is not your name.
Undoubtedly.
I confess to being a little
weary of this bizarre business.
I hope to get an explanation
from you,
Which would make it
unnecessary for me.
To turn you over
to the authorities.
However, you will give me
no other course.
I wouldn't do that.
And why not?
Because you'd only make
a fool of yourself.
It seems to me that you're
trying to make one of me.
After all, that explanation
about barnley,
The death notice -
It's very ingenious
but not entirely satisfying.
I understood you to say that you
did not believe I killed him,
And yet, you will not believe me
when I tell you I did not.
Exactly.
And now, just who are you?
Very well.
Perhaps you will
understand everything.
When I tell you
that I ran away from home.
Because my dreams of marrying
a knight in armor.
Were being shattered.
And I refuse
to buy a pig in a poke.
"A pig in a p-."
Good heavens, it's impossible.
On the channel boat,
I ran into the very thing
I was running away from.
I couldn't help
trying to find out.
For what manner of man
I had just given up a kingdom.
But that bit in your teeth,
the lenses, the pigtails?
I outgrew them.
Yes, obviously.
The suicide club?
Why, I followed you there.
500 pounds to our president
gained me admission.
I can understand why you came
to the suicide club.
The first night,
But why did you return
the second night?
Well, the fact that I was
certain you would return.
Seemed to reach out
and challenge me.
It all seems so foolish now.
It didn't seem so
when I first followed you.
I assure you, it wasn't foolish
when you first followed me.
Who can that be?
The president?
Are you frightened?
No.
When I nod, you open that door
and get behind it.
What is this?!
What are you doing?!
Gerry!
Wh-For hea-
What is the meaning of this?
Well, that's what
I'd like to know.
How did you get here?
After you left the club,
the president followed you,
And I followed him,
and then he lost you,
And I lost him.
And I stumbled into this inn,
And here you are
alive and kicking me.
Well, you don't seem to be
terribly pleased about it.
Oh, thank heaven you're safe.
And as for this -
This murderess here,
We'll turn her straight over
to the police.
Just a moment, gerry.
Before you turn her over
to the police... yes?
May I present my friend
and confidante colonel geraldine.
To princess Brenda.
Oh...
What?
Well, how do you do,
colonel geraldine?
Oh - Oh, yes,
your royal highness.
I do hope that we can get you
out of london.
Before anything else happens -
Suicide clubs, lions,
that president.
He'll try again, I tell you.
Here's your plum pudding, sir.
Oh, yes, thank you.
Answer that, gerry.
It's her highness.
Her highness?
Her highness, for breakfast.
Answer the door.
Her hi-
Good morning.
I see you waited breakfast
for me.
You're just in time.
Sergei says,
"may I order your breakfast?"
And I say, "oh, no, you can't."
Someone's waiting for me
for breakfast."
Now, uh...
Oh, good morning,
colonel geraldine.
Oh, good morning, your highness.
You're hungry, I hope.
Am i.
So, won't you please sit down?
Thank you.
Sit down, gerry. Sit down. Oh, i...
What's the matter,
colonel geraldine?
You look out of sorts
this morning.
Gerry seems to think.
That the president
will pop up at any moment.
He may be right, too.
No, no, but this is all
highly irregular.
Gerry, will you be a good fellow
and be irregular?
Oh, but I mean to say that
neither of your royal fathers.
Would approve of you
having breakfast together.
Nonsense, gerry. Sit down.
What on earth are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
It shan't happen again, sir.
What's the matter with you,
waiter?
I'm - I'm very sorry, sir.
I can't seem to help it.
I- I'm not quite myself today,
and that's a fact.
That's quite obvious.
What's the matter?
I do beg your pardon, sir.
It's - It's nothing, sir.
Are you ill?
No, not what you call
"ill," sir.
What is it? What's the matter?
Well, miss, I can't be bothering
you with my own affairs.
You'd only laugh at me.
Nonsense. Tell us.
Well, miss, he's almost
all I've got in the world.
They're trying to kill him.
Who's trying to kill whom?
It's my little dog, sir.
A blooming parrot flew in at
the window and frightened my dog,
And he got excited
and killed him.
The parrot killed the dog?
No, the other way around, sir.
But the parrot
belonged to a toff.
He gets angry and goes to a beak
and complains.
And now the beak is going to try
my dog for murder.
Oh, nonsense.
That isn't possible.
It's the same thing, sir.
It's a little irregular,
I suppose.
But they being toffs,
it's fun for them.
They make a sport of it.
But it's not to me.
What's a beak?
I fancy a kind of judge.
What time is the hearing?
Half an hour from now, sir.
It ain't far from here,
but I ain't got the heart to go.
Because I know
I couldn't do anything.
To save my poor little dog,
even if I was there.
Odd sort of thing -
Trying a dog for murder.
I do hope you'll overlook
my goings-On, sir.
It's as much
as my place is worth.
If the manager ever heard of it.
Gerry, we've got to do something
about this.
What?
Well, you can't let collins
lose his dog.
Just because he's murdered
a wretched bird.
Oh, well, now,
really I don't think...
Collins. Sir?
I'll go to court with you.
You meet me outside
in five minutes.
I'll make the arrangements
with the hotel.
Oh, sir, thank you, sir.
You're a very
bighearted gentleman.
Thank you, sir.
You're really not thinking
of doing this.
Certainly, and so are you.
Well, upon my word -
It isn't every day.
You get a chance to see a dog
tried for murder.
I wouldn't miss it
for anything in the world.
Come along. Oh.
May I say something?
Yes, of course.
Think twice before you do this.
I think it's foolish.
Foolish?
Madam, that's my nature.
I'm a carovian.
Well, have you forgotten that
there's someone here in london.
Who would very much like
to kill you?
What could this possibly have to
do with the suicide club?
I don't know.
But it sounds to me like
one of their ideas.
Nonsense.
Come along, gerry. Get your hat.
Yes, well, if I'm going along,
I'll take my aunty's
plum pudding and have it waxed.
After we get the dog acquitted.
Please don't quarrel anymore.
I'm a little frightened.
Frightened?
Oh, please, don't go.
It's reckless.
I think it's even dangerous.
But what would you do
if you were I?
Well...
I suppose I'd go.
Well, if we're going to do this,
let's get it over with.
Prince florizel,
how do you plead?
A very neat trap,
mr. President -
Elaborate but irresistible.
Isn't it?
I was pretty certain.
That I had combined the exact
elements to bring you here.
Your wholesome curiosity
and your weakness for adventure.
Are engaging qualities,
your highness.
Too bad it should prove
your undoing.
But we cannot tarry too long
over these niceties.
How do you plead,
your highness -
Guilty or not guilty?
Of what am I accused?
Treason.
Treason?
That's a serious charge, sir.
Treason to what?
To the people of carovia.
I didn't know -
Who is my accuser?
Dr. Franz noel.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I've heard of him.
If I remember correctly,
He himself was exiled
for treason once -
An act of mercy
on the part of my father,
Mistaken mercy.
I assure you that mistake
will not be repeated.
In the case of your highness.
And where is this dr. Noel?
I, sir, am dr. Noel.
Why, you upstart! You.
Just a moment.
May I commend
your cleverness, sir?
I presume that the whole
machinery of the suicide club.
Was contrived
so that you might kill me.
Without risk to yourself.
Very nice, indeed.
Oh, no, sir.
You do me too great honor.
The suicide club was quite real.
And I might say
that, for sometime,
It's been the source
of a very neat revenue for me.
And very pleasant work.
So you can imagine
my surprise and pleasure.
When you walked in that night.
Look here, you maniac,
If you don't open those doors
and release us -
One moment, please.
Dr. Noel's discourse
is most interesting.
I presume that my offense
is a capital one,
Undoubtedly punishable by death.
Oh, by all means.
I don't see
how it could be otherwise.
Do you?
And of course you have in mind.
No such old-Fashioned
irrelevancy as a fair trial.
A fair trial,
as you call it, your highness,
Would prove only
a tedious quibble.
No. In the interest of time,
we can dispense with that.
I think not. No trial.
Anything else?
May I inquire as to the method
of my execution?
Traitors are usually hanged.
For all its imperialistic
origin, hanging has its value.
You'll find an excellent
improvised gallows.
In my private chamber.
And have you taken
into consideration.
That you also will hang?
Oh, how inconsistent
you are, sir.
First, you flatter,
then you underestimate me.
No.
There's a lime pit
somewhere in london.
Your disappearance will be
as complete and unobtrusive.
As our escape.
And now, don't you think.
That we've enjoyed each other's
discourse quite long enough?
I do not wish to bore you, sir.
Stay where you are, you swine!
There's enough high explosive
in this bomb.
To send all of you
to kingdom come.
Don't think I didn't suspect
a trick when I came here.
But I came prepared.
Get away from that door!
Go on, get away.
Get around, I say.
Now, go on, get back there.
Get back, get back, get around.
Get around, I say.
Now, go on over there
with that -
Oh!
Dr. Noel: Stop them!
Quick!
This way - The door!
I'm right behind you.
Constable.
Constable, a friend of mine
is in terrible trouble.
Come quickly.
Trouble? Where? Of what nature?
Bramley street. Criminals. I'm
afraid they're gonna kill him.
Anarchists. Anarchists? Lead on.
Well, sir, where are they?
And where's your friend?
He must have gotten away.
Wait a minute.
There's a gallows in that room.
The gallows
seem to have got away, too.
"Mr. Godall, colonel geraldine
is safe, for the moment -
"Shall we say a prisoner of war?
"As we are both gentlemen,
"I now feel that this entire
affair should be settled.
"On the field of honor.
"So if you value
colonel geraldine's life,
"You will come
at 2:00 tomorrow morning.
"To the place designated
on the enclosed map.
You will come alone."
"If you come, colonel geraldine
will be released.
"No matter what
the outcome of the duel,
"And he may act as your second.
"In other words,
for a chance to kill you,
I am willing to give you
a chance to kill me."
"If you do not come.
"Or if you endeavor to engage
the support of the police,
"Be assured I will not hang
the colonel until daybreak -
Dr. Noel."
Well, I guess
that settles scotland yard.
Brenda:
What are you going to do?
"Do"? What can I do?
Wait until 2:00,
follow instructions,
And meet dr. Noel
as he requested.
I didn't think
the doctor was capable.
Of being quite so sporting.
Oh, you're doing him
a great injustice.
He's going to meet you
on the field of honor,
Let you kill him,
free geraldine,
And to ensure your safe return
to carovia,
Provide you with an escort
of his worthiest henchmen.
To protect you.
Yes. Yes, you're quite right.
I wonder
what makes it possible for him.
To think up these little tricks.
You don't suppose it could be
the shape of his head, do you?
Very likely.
A challenge -
And he knew you'd accept it.
Yes, of course.
And he won't be alone.
Well, we have until 2:00
to think up something.
And then trap or no trap, I'll
have to follow instructions.
When I was young, I read a book
on fighting the american indian.
It was an excellent book.
I read it twice.
Dr. Noel is a lot of things,
but he's not an american indian.
The point the book made
was that the american indian.
Is successfully fought
only by his own methods.
Ooh, crumpets.
Do you always think best
with your mouth full?
Mm-Hmm.
I've got it.
What?
Wait a minute now.
One more detail.
And we'll return
getting them to...
Those zulu torture implements.
You know, I envy you, major.
I must say,
they improve my collection.
Would you like to stop off
at my flat and see them?
Oh, quite. Righto.
Um, the albany, my man.
I say, this fellow is driving
as if he meant business.
Dash it all, the blighter's
nowhere near piccadilly.
You don't suppose he's taking us.
To some lowly spot
to be held up?
If he is,
he'll have his hands full.
Hello, there.
Florizel: Yes, sir?
What is it, sir?
Uh, where do you think
you're going?
To mr. Morris' villa, sir.
You fool. We said the albany.
We don't want to go to any
mr. Morris' villa.
I thought you might, sir.
He's giving a sort of party,
And he asked me to secure
as many gentlemen as I could.
In evening dress
before midnight.
"By preference -
Military officers.
With a taste for adventure,"
he said.
Uh, what manner of nonsense
is this?
He also asked me to say that
there is a certain project.
Requiring the services
of brave men,
A hazardous project
but strictly in keeping.
With the honor of a gentleman.
Suppose we refuse to accept.
Mr. Morris'
most irregular invitation?
Then, sir, I am to drive you
back where I took you from.
Mr. Morris says men who have
no stomach for adventure.
Are not the men for him.
How is your stomach, major?
Drive on, my man,
but, mind you, no hanky-Panky.
No, sir. No hanky-Panky.
And now, gentlemen,
may I ask your names?
I am major o'rook.
Major o'rook?
Oh, yes, of course.
I've seen your picture
in the papers.
The zulu campaign, I believe.
I was there, sir.
And a very fortunate thing
for england that you were, sir.
And yours, sir? Captain rich.
You may call me mr. Morris.
And now, gentlemen,
If you will accept my
hospitality for a few moments,
I will answer a few
of the questions.
Which I know you
would like to ask.
Will you announce
these two gentlemen, please?
Major o'rook and captain rich.
Yes, sir.
Major o'rook and captain rich.
Well, well, well, what's this?
Why, hello, major.
Abeget -
Saw you at the club an hour ago.
You, too, major. Quite so.
Oh, mr. Hall, mr. Deary.
How do you do? How do you do?
Uh, what do you make
of all this?
I don't know.
But very hospitable, though.
Oh, uh, please,
go on with your game.
Righto.
Will you excuse me, please?
Surely. Why, of course.
Well, what do you think of them?
Yes and no.
The last two seem the best yet.
I've weeded out several already.
Bad losers at cards, nerves,
or talk too much,
Didn't drink well -
There are enough left, I think,
if they all stay.
What did you tell them?
Something different
for each one.
I lie very well, you know.
Yes.
Yes, I have found that out,
miss vandeleur.
Glad I came?
Very.
And now you're going.
No, I'm not.
From now on, this task is mine.
It's time to get them together
and put the question.
It is, indeed.
So?
Tell me this - Suppose
these men disappoint you,
Suppose none of them
will stand by,
Will you go anyway, alone?
Yes.
Florizel.
Yes?
I wanted to find out
what sort of man you were.
Well, I have found out.
Will I do?
I will never meet anyone
who will ever do half as well.
Nor i.
Yes, this is the place.
Is it?
But this ain't nowhere.
Eh, if it ain't nowhere,
it must be somewhere.
Good night.
Shall I wait, sir?
No, off you go.
Just as you say, sir.
Ah, my reception committee.
Raise your hands, please.
All right, come along.
Not finished yet?
Almost.
Looks remarkably like a grave.
A grave, it is.
About the right size.
Well, you'll be comfortable
in it anyway.
Come along.
You'll have to get rid
of that stick.
Oh, sorry.
You shouldn't have come here!
Sit down!
Good evening, dr. Noel.
I'm sorry
if I've kept you waiting.
Gerry, you didn't expect
to see me here, did you?
Why did you come here? Why?
Why?
My invitation was so attractive,
I couldn't resist it.
I need scarcely say.
How delighted I am
to see your highness.
As I am the challenged party,
I have the choice of weapons.
Shall we say rapiers?
No.
No, your highness.
No rapiers.
Possibly,
you would prefer pistols?
I'm afraid
all that we have is...
A rope.
I see.
A field of dishonor.
I deeply regret the necessity.
Of dispensing with sportsmanship
and honor on this occasion.
But I cannot indulge myself
in such a luxury.
At the expense of my country.
Your country?
Yes.
My country.
Your destruction,
Or shall we say the destruction
of what you represent,
Has a higher claim upon me
than any satisfaction.
Of my personal honor.
You see, I am a true patriot.
I seem to be in error, gerry.
You are not to be my second.
Why not?
You shall die first.
He shall die second.
You are more ingenious
than witty, sir.
You're not amused? So sorry.
Now, sir, are you ready?
I know that last requests
are tedious.
May I write a farewell note?
Certainly.
Pen and ink for his highness.
I would have done this before,
But, you see,
I expected to kill you.
I salute your courage
but not your judgment.
What an asset you would have
made to the patriotic cause.
What a pity
you were born a prince.
I thought so myself once.
I'm not so sure of it now.
What's the matter, old girl,
are you hungry?
I have no postage stamp.
And now, sir.
Hands up! All of you!
Hands up, I say.
Search them. Search them all.
Not bad, eh, gerry?
Oh, well done, my boy.
But you shouldn't
have risked it.
Sir, I have the honor to report
the objective secured.
Congratulations, major,
to both you and your staff.
The dog must have done
remarkably well.
A truly remarkable dog,
dr. Noel.
He'll follow a few drops
of cinnamon oil.
To the ends of the earth -
A trick I feel
almost worthy of you.
Extraordinary.
And now I take it that
we shall continue our policy.
Of avoiding a public sensation.
And that I and my friends
are at liberty to disperse?
Sorry, dr. Noel.
I disagree.
I have looked forward
too long to this meeting.
To forego any of the pleasures
I had anticipated.
Captain rich.
Sir.
I feared you might neglect
to bring these.
So I took the precaution.
Very considerate of you.
And now, doctor,
your friends and mine.
Will wait in the garden.
In the event
that you leave this room alone,
You and your friends will
be free to go where you please.
I appreciate your generosity.
And shall greatly enjoy the
opportunity that it gives me.
Gentlemen, my deepest gratitude.
And now, will you please
leave us alone?
Choose.
En garde.
And now, dr. Noel,
Let us proceed to the grave
that you so carefully prepared.
Adieu, dr. Noel.
Her royal highness.
The princess Brenda carlotta
augusta victoria louisa.
Of irania.
I have the very great honor.
Of presenting to your
royal highness princess Brenda.
My son, florizel.
This is indeed the happiest day
of my life, as I realize.
That the forthcoming union
of our houses.
Will strengthen forever
the already existing friendship.
Between our two great kingdoms.