# Most any place #
# Can seem to be a paradise #
# While you embrace #
# Just the one that you adore #
# There needn't be #
# An apple tree with magic powers #
# You need no garden
filled with flowers #
# To taste the thrill of sweet #
# Fleet hours #
# Gentle perfume #
# And cushions that are silk and soft #
# Two in the gloom #
# That is silent but for sighs #
# That's paradise #
# While arms entwine
and lips are kissing #
# But if there's something missing #
# That signifies #
# Trouble in paradise # #
Yes, Baron.
What shall we start with, Baron?
Hmm? Oh, yes.
That's not so easy.
Beginnings are always difficult.
Yes, Baron.
If Casanova suddenly
turned out to be Romeo...
having supper with Juliet,
who might become Cleopatra,
how would you start?
I would start with cocktails.
Mm-hmm.
Very good. Excellent.
It must be the most marvelous supper.
We may not eat it,
but it must be marvelous.
Yes, Baron.
- And, waiter?
- Yes, Baron?
- You see that moon?
- Yes, Baron.
I want to see that moon
in the champagne.
Yes, Baron.
"Moon in champagne."
I want to see, um...
Yes, Baron.
- And as for you, waiter...
- Yes, Baron?
I don't want to see you at all.
No, Baron.
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
- Hmm?
Thank you.
Yes, sir. Right away.
- Oh, my gracious! He almost saw me.
- Who?
The Marquis de la Tour.
He was standing in the lobby.
I don't think he saw me.
I'm positive he didn't. Thank heaven.
But when I came up here, right out
in the hall there was King Boris of Alconia.
- The tennis player?
- The tennis player. He saw me. He bowed.
What could I do? I nodded.
Baron, I shouldn't have come.
But you came.
And you must forget everything...
except that you are here, Countess.
Out there in the moonlight
everything seemed so perfect, so simple.
But now...
- Do you know King Boris?
- No, no.
- Do you the know
the Marquis de la Tour?
- I should like to.
You'd better not.
He's really very dull. But anyhow,
when the king tells the marquis
that he saw me, the marquis
will tell the marquise,
and the marquise is the best friend
of the Duchess of Chambro.
And she will telephone
the Princess de Costa.
The princess doesn't like me.
- But I don't care.
- Why should you?
But she talks a lot.
And before this night's over,
all Venice will know about it.
By tomorrow it'll be
Grand Canal gossip.
Oh.
Don't stop.
Keep right on complaining.
It's beautiful.
- You know, when I first saw you,
I thought you were an American.
- Thank you.
Someone from another worid...
so entirely different.
Oh. One gets so tired
of one's own class.
Princes and counts
and dukes and kings.
Everybody talking shop,
always trying to sell jewelry.
Then I heard your name
and found out you were just one of us.
Disappointed?
No.
Proud.
Very proud.
Hello.
The countess?
Just a moment.
The Duchess of Chambro.
Hello, Your Grace.
Yes, Your Grace.
Well, how did you know I was here?
Oh, the marquis.
Yes, Your Grace, I see.
Dinner tomorrow at your palace?
Well, I'd be delighted.
Listen, Lily, when you come home,
slip up the back way.
L... I can't talk now,
but do what I tell you.
And listen, Lily. Do you know
what that darn dog of yours did?
So he really did?
How charming.
Well, my compliments
to the duke. Good-bye.
There you are.
The scandal is on.
Oh.
Countess, I'm sorry.
If you think it's best
for you to go, well...
I think that's very nice of you.
Yes, very nice.
- I think we should have a cocktail.
- Ah.
The representative of police
wants to know...
how much money you had,
Monsieur Filiba.
Uh... Oh, yes, yes.
I had exactly 20,000 lira.
I just cashed a traveler's check
and I put the money in my wallet.
Why did you let, uh,
this man in, Monsieur Filiba?
Well, he knocked on the door.
You see, I was expecting two,
uh... two business associates.
And then what happened,
Monsieur Filiba?
Well, I said, "Come in."
And there he was.
Fine-looking man with a moustache
and long sideburns.
He said,
"Good evening. I'm the doctor."
I said, "Doctor?"
He said, "Yes, the doctor.
I've come to see about your tonsils."
The representative of police
like to know...
- if there is anything wrong with
your tonsils, Monsieur Filiba.
- No.
That's what I tried to tell him.
Well, one word led to another.
He was really a very charming fellow.
We talked for about ten minutes.
What did you talk about,
Monsieur Filiba?
About tonsils.
So then I said to myself, "All right.
If he wants to look at them, let him.
There's no harm in that."
Then he said, "Say 'ah.'"
And so I said, "Ah."
And that's all I remember.
When I woke up, I still had my tonsils,
but my pocketbook was gone.
- Was it lots of money?
- Oh, it must have been, Baron.
The gentleman occupied
the royal suite.
Two fifty-three,
five, seven and nine.
I think his name is,
uh, Monsieur Filiba.
You're not safe anywhere nowadays.
But please, Baron.
We're not supposed to say a word of it.
You won't tell anybody I told you?
- You can trust me.
- Thank you, Baron.
That's hotel life.
In one room a man loses his wallet,
and in another room,
a man loses his head.
Please. When I came here,
it was for a little adventure,
a little game which you play tonight
and forget tomorrow.
But something's changed me...
and it isn't the champagne.
Oh, the whole thing's so new to me.
I have a confession to make to you.
Baron, you are a crook.
You robbed the gentleman in
two fifty-three, five, seven and nine.
- May I have the salt?
- Please.
- Thank you.
- The pepper too?
- No, thank you.
- You're very welcome.
Countess, believe me,
before you left this room,
I would have told you everything.
And let me say this
with love in my heart.
Countess, you are a thief.
The wallet of the gentleman in
two fifty-three, five, seven and nine...
is in your possession.
I knew it very well
when you took it out of my pocket.
In fact, you tickled me.
But your embrace was so sweet.
- Countess.
- Thank you.
- I like you, Baron.
- I'm crazy about you.
By the way,
your pin.
- Thank you, Baron.
- Not at all.
There's one very good stone in it.
What time is it?
It was five minutes slow,
but I regulated it for you.
I hope you don't mind
if I keep your garter.
Darling!
Oh, now, darling. Tell me...
Tell me all about yourself. Who are you?
You remember the man who walked
into the Bank of Constantinople...
and walked out with
the Bank of Constantinople?
- Monescu!
- Gaston Monescu.
Gaston!
I love you.
I loved you the moment I saw you.
I'm mad about you.
My little shoplifter.
My sweet little pickpocket.
My darling.
Geneva. From Geneva comes the news...
that the famous
international crook, Gaston Monescu,
robbed the peace conference
yesterday.
He took practically everything
except the peace.
The police arrested him
and confiscated all the stolen goods,
but he managed to escape
in an inexplainable manner.
This is the Paris
police reporter speaking.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this program comes to you...
through the courtesy
of Colet and Company,
manufacturers of the most famous
perfumes in the worid.
Remember, it doesn't matter what
you say, it doesn't matter how you look.
It's how you smell. Thank you.
# Colet, Colet
Colet and Company #
# Are makers of the best perfumes #
# If you and your beloved can't agree #
# Permit us to suggest perfumes #
# Cleopatra was a lovely tantalizer #
# But she did it
with her little atomizer #
# We'll make you smell like a rose #
# Every nose in Paris knows #
# Colet and Company # #
Well, I am sure, Madame Colet,
if your husband were alive,
the first thing he would do
in times like these... cut salaries.
Unfortunately, Monsieur Giron,
business bores me to distraction.
Besides, I have
a luncheon engagement.
So I think we better leave the salaries
just where they are. Good-bye.
Good-bye, Madame Colet.
This one, Madame Colet,
is only 3,000 francs.
Oh, no, that's entirely too much.
- How 'bout that one?
- Oh, this one, madame.
Well, that's 125,000 francs.
But it's beautiful. I'll take it.
Thank you, Madame Colet.
How do you do, Madame Colet?
Good-bye, Madame Colet.
Yes, madame.
No, madame.
No, madame.
Yes, madame.
No, no, Franois. I tell you no.
You see, Franois,
marriage is a beautiful mistake...
which two people make together.
But with you, Franois,
I think it would be a mistake.
Don't be so downhearted, Major.
You're not the only one I don't love.
I don't love Franois, either.
Madame will be ready in two minutes.
I know you don't like me, Major.
To be perfectly frank,
I dislike you... intensely.
But since we have to be in each
other's company this evening...
we might just as well
make conversation.
Well, Major, what's your answer?
For heaven's sake, man, say something!
Tonsils.
# What a day
What a day for the fair #
- # What a day #
- # Softly on the breezes #
# Can't you hear the call oflove #
- # The prince is late #
- # The prince is late #
- # We have to wait #
- # To wait #
# He's late #
# He's late #
Good-bye.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Two men of your standing
always quarreling.
Well, he started it.
But you're the more intelligent one.
- That's true.
- Then why did you do it?
Because I hate him.
Because I love you.
You should have more self-control.
- You were in the army.
- Well, he was in the navy.
Good-bye.
I want you to go out and apologize...
immediately.
See here, my good man.
You've been saying good-bye
for the last half hour and staying on.
I wish you'd say,
"How do you do," and go.
Well, he left.
I tell you, apologizing is a gift.
# His royal highness
will soon be here #
- # Hear the sound ofhorses
His highness must be near #
- # Here they come #
- # Here they come #
- # Here they come #
# He will open up the fair #
# Your Highness #
# Hail to you #
# Every star that shines above #
# Seems to say #
# I love you, I love you #
# I love you #
- # I hate you #
- # She hates him #
# Lovely maiden, tell #
# What have you to sell #
# Sweet violets I would like to buy #
# Oh, Prince #
# A happy maiden am I #
- My bag!
- Your bag?
- Yes, my bag.
- Well, well, well,
didn't you take it with you?
- Apparently not.
Don't you know where it is?
- No, no, I'm sorry.
- But you saw it here.
- Yes, yes, I saw it.
- Then where is it?
- Shh!
It couldn't have walked out by itself.
# Promise you will remain #
Bravo.! Bravo.!
- Yes, monsieur.
- I, uh... I would like
to look at some, uh...
- Good morning, Major.
- Good morning.
I, uh... I would like
to look at, uh...
at some, uh... some cuff links.
Very well, sir.
- Nice day, Major.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- You're looking fine, Major.
- Now see here, my good man.
I've had just about enough
of your insulting remarks.
Here, monsieur.
Pretty, isn't it?
I don't agree with this review at all.
I thought Martini's singing
was adequate, but to call him
a great singer... ridiculous.
- Remember when we saw him
a year ago in Munich?
- Ayear ago?
- It can't be that long.
- Yes.
Don't you remember the day
you took that Chinese vase
from the royal palace?
And you made it into a lamp
for my night table.
I remember the lamp,
I remember the night table...
and I remember the night.
Everything will be all right again.
Prosperity is just around the corner.
Gaston!
Read this.
The description fits.
That's our bag.
Twenty thousand francs.
If I sold it, I would get...
Well, it's worth 40,000 at the most.
She paid probably 60,000.
If I sold it, I would get 5,000.
Well, darling, then I'd be honest
about it and return it to the lady.
- And take the 20,000 francs?
- Right.
Sweetheart, what day is today?
- The 14th of May.
- And tomorrow is the 15th.
- And the day after tomorrow...
- The six...
We'll go to Venice, to the same hotel.
And we'll take the royal suite.
- Two fifty-three, five...
- Seven and nine.
No, I'm sorry,
but that's not the bag.
Next, please.
Hello. Yes.
No, no. No, it was not insured.
But right now it's too late.
I may lose it again?
But I haven't found it yet.
No, no, I'm sorry. Good-bye.
- Yes?
- So you lost a handbag, madame?
- Yes.
- And it had diamonds in the back?
- Yes.
- And diamonds in the front?
- Yes.
- Diamonds all over?
- Well, have you found it?
- No! But let me tell you:
Any woman who spends a fortune
in times like these for a handbag...
- Phooey, phooey, and phooey!
- I must ask you...
And as Leon Trotsky said...
And that goes for you too!
Phooey, phooey, and phooey!
His phooey is worse than his bite.
Oh, I must apologize
for entering unannounced,
but if I am not mistaken,
Madame Colet?
Yes.
Will you be good enough
to look at this bag, madame?
Why, yes.
Yes, that's it. Jacques!
Yes, madame?
Dismiss all the people in the hall.
Say the bag's been found.
Very well, madame.
Where did you...
Where did you find it?
- You know the main staircase
in the opera?
- Yes.
- Then you go to the left,
there is a landing.
- Yes.
- Then you go into the foyer.
- Yes.
- And as you leave the foyer,
there is a little niche.
- I know that niche.
- And in that niche
there is a statue of Venus.
- I remember.
- You like that statue?
- Not particularly.
Neither do I.
That's where I found it.
I don't know
how I could have lost it there.
I was nowhere near that niche.
Oh, that's strange.
Maybe...
Are you sure this is your bag?
But of course it is.
Are you doubting me?
Not in the least, madame.
But, you see, this is a very expensive
bag, and one has to be careful.
Well, I am Madame Colet.
And I am Monsieur La Valle,
if you'll allow me to introduce myself.
How do you do, Monsieur La Valle?
The pleasure is mine, madame.
One purse, empty.
One vanity case...
But really, monsieur,
this isn't necessary.
Please, madame, I believe
in doing things correctly.
Shall we continue?
Two hairpins, one cigarette lighter,
one box of real matches...
oh, yes, and this letter from Major...
- You didn't read it?
- Naturally I did.
- Oh.
- You needn't be embarrassed, madame.
A lady as charming as you would
and should get love letters.
Monsieur La Valle.
But one suggestion.
Not the major.
I don't mind his grammatical mistakes,
I will overlook his bad punctuation,
but the letter has no mystery,
no bouquet.
And one lipstick.
Scarlet, number four!
What's wrong now?
With your skin I prefer crimson.
- Too much blue in crimson.
- But that's what you need!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I disagree with you completely.
I tried it once.
- What shade of powder do you use?
- Peaches and cream.
- That's too dark.
- But do you realize
that I have light eyes?
But, Madame Colet, that is
a question of eye shading.
I can straighten that out
in two seconds.
Come in.
The major.
I'm sorry, monsieur, but madame
had better not see anyone.
The bag has just been found,
and the reaction of relief
from her excitement and strain...
- is just a little too much for her.
- But...
It's nothing very serious,
but all the same, we'd better
not take any chances.
- Just as you say, Doctor.
- Thank you, Major.
- Good day, Doctor.
- Good day, Major.
- Oh, Jacques, has the bag been found?
- Yes, Major.
- Is madame feeling well?
- No, Major.
Is madame seeing anybody this afternoon,
this evening or even tomorrow?
- No, Major.
- You may shut the door, Jacques.
Well, that leaves you holding the bag.
Good-bye.
I think I'd better be going.
Good-bye, Madame Colet.
Good-bye, Monsieur La Valle.
Oh, yes.
Well, this is a rather delicate matter,
and l... I don't want to, uh...
You see, if you... if you read
my advertisement carefully,
you... you would have noticed...
In other words, it embarrasses you
to offer me the 20,000-francs reward.
- Yes.
- Don't be embarrassed.
I'll take it.
I need the money.
I wish I were in a position
to ignore the whole matter,
but you know, madame,
the stock market, a bank crash...
To make a long story short,
a member of the nouveau poor.
Then I'm glad I lost the bag.
I'll write you the check immediately.
- Madame Colet?
- Yes, Monsieur La Valle.
- Do you know my first name?
- No, what is it? Tell me.
Gaston.
- And you know what I would
like you to do with that check?
- What?
Make it out to cash.
As you like.
Now, where can that checkbook be?
Dear me, dear me.
She must have left it somewhere.
It's always the same.
When you're looking for something,
you can't find it.
I can't find that checkbook.
I should have discharged her
six months ago.
I really don't know what to do.
Monsieur La Valle, I'm very sorry, but...
- Eighteenth century.
- Yes.
- Early eighteenth century.
I should say about... 1730.
- Right.
- Beautiful specimen.
- It is beautiful, isn't it?
But I got tired sleeping in antiques.
- So I gave it to my secretary.
- Oh.
This used to be my secretary's room.
I see. She must've been
very happy here.
Too happy.
That's why I discharged her.
Oh, that's terrible.
Isn't that wonderful? You see...
Let me tell you something,
madame...
as a man who's had
all kinds of secretaries.
I wonder if she put
that checkbook in the safe.
Why, I hardly think so,
but let's look.
No. No, it isn't here.
Well, what do you think of that?
A hundred thousand francs.
You know, I hadn't the slightest idea.
But, madame,
you keep 100,000 francs
in your safe... at home?
- You think that's too much?
- No. Not enough.
In times like these,
when everything is uncertain,
every conservative person should have
a substantial part of his fortune...
within arm's reach.
Mm-hmm. That sounds sensible.
Mm-hmm. Yes, very sensible.
- Very, very clever.
- Madame.
I think you deserve a good scolding.
First you lose your bag...
- Then I mislay my checkbook.
- Then you use the wrong lipstick.
- And how I handle my money.
- It's disgraceful!
Tell me, Monsieur La Valle,
what else is wrong?
Everything!
Madame Colet, if I were your father...
which, fortunately, I am not...
and you made any attempt
to handle your own business affairs,
I would give you a good spanking,
in a business way, of course.
What would you do
if you were my secretary?
The same thing.
You're hired.
Speaking for the board of directors,
as well as for myself,
if you insist in times like these
on cutting the fees...
of the board of directors,
then we resign.
Speaking for Madame Colet,
as well as for myself, resign.
Very well.
We'll, uh, think it over,
Monsieur La Valle.
Now, Monsieur La Valle,
as for Madame Colet's life insurance,
it totals one million francs.
There's 500,000 fire insurance...
and 400,000 against burglary.
Then we'd better increase the burglary
insurance to 850,000 francs.
Thank you, Monsieur La Valle.
- No potatoes, Monsieur La Valle?
- No potatoes.
Yes, Monsieur La Valle.
Yes, Monsieur La Valle.
No, Monsieur La Valle.
Oh, maybe, Monsieur La Valle.
Is this what you mean,
Monsieur La Valle?
Absolutely, Madame Colet.
Now, Monsieur La Valle, please.
Frankly, madame, I'm too tired.
Don't you want to come down
and join the party?
Just a little tango? No?
Oh, you and your messy
old papers and contracts...
and money, money, money.
All those uninteresting things.
They're very interesting to me, madame.
And somebody in this house
should worry about money.
No, really, I have to be up
early in the morning.
New paragraph.
Furthermore, it is madame's wish
that while half of the interest...
shall be deposited as usual
in madame's account,
the other half, contrary to custom,
shall be delivered in cash
into madame's personal custody.
Darling, that means
that on the second ofJune...
we shall have 850,000 francs.
- And her jewelry is worth a fortune.
- No jewelry. Hands off jewelry.
If we're broke, all right.
I can pick up a million-franc necklace.
But in times like these,
when we're doing a cash business,
why take a chance with jewelry?
Gaston, I know you're awfully busy,
and, well, I don't wanna trouble you,
but she has one little necklace...
You know the one with the seed pearis?
It's so quiet and simple.
- It'd go just beautifully with my neck.
- Hmm.
Come in.
Madame would like to talk
to Mademoiselle Vautier for a moment.
Very well, Jacques.
Come in.
Good morning, madame.
Good morning, mademoiselle.
Please.
- Please.
- Oh, thank you, madame.
You've had your breakfast?
Oh, but of course you have.
Oh, yes, madame.
You see, I have to get up very early.
My little brother goes to school.
You see, Mother is dead.
Yes, that's the trouble with mothers.
First you get to like them,
and then they die.
Oh, thanks.
Thank you. And now, mademoiselle,
the reason I asked you to come...
- Two lumps, madame?
- Please.
Thank you.
Oh, may I?
- Now, mademoiselle.
- Yes, madame?
You see, uh...
Not a word to Monsieur La Valle.
About what?
Potatoes.
He doesn't want me to eat them,
and naturally I don't want
to upset him.
Naturally not.
Now, mademoiselle...
in the short time that you have been
Monsieur La Valle's secretary,
have you noticed any change in him?
Well, uh, yes and no.
To me he seems rather nervous.
Nervous?
Uh-huh, he smokes too much.
No. No, he works too much.
He's chained to his desk.
Too much detail.
Now, uh, if you could take over
some of his work...
So he wouldn't be so confined
to his office.
Yes. And he'd have
a little more time for...
- For all the really important things.
- Right!
I'll do my best, madame,
even if I have to work every night.
Oh, no. No, my dear child.
That's ridiculous.
You go home as usual, 5:00 every day.
Now, I'm going to be
a little bit of a tyrant.
I insist. It'll be nice
for your little brother too.
5:00, remember.
Very well, madame.
Thank you.
- And, my dear,
- Yes, madame?
- How much is your salary?
- Three hundred francs.
Well, in times like these,
most people are cutting salaries,
but in your case,
suppose we say... 350?
Madame, you are just
too sweet for words.
- Well, what does she want?
- You.
And she's willing to pay
as high as 50 francs.
- What?
- But it's not enough!
Oh, no, Franois. Don't be silly.
I have nothing against you.
Oh, no, that's all forgotten.
What? Not this week, Franois.
Business, Franois. Business.
You're talking like a child.
You know exactly what we're
here for and what it's all about.
This woman has more than jewelry!
Did you ever take
a good look at her, um...
- Certainly.
- They're all right, aren't they?
Beautiful. What of it?
Let me tell you something.
As far as I'm concerned,
her whole sex appeal is in that safe.
Gaston, let's open it right now.
Let's get away from here.
- I don't like this place.
- No, no, sweetheart.
There's more sex appeal coming
on the first of the month.
It's only ten days...
850,000 francs.
Darling, remember,
you are Gaston Monescu.
You are a crook.
I want you as a crook.
I love you as a crook.
I worship you as a crook.
Steal, swindle, rob!
Oh, but don't become one of those
useless, good-for-nothing gigolos.
Good-bye, Gaston, darling.
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Well, I'll leave you alone
with that lady,
but if you behave like a gentleman,
I'll break your neck.
Come in.
Oh, Monsieur La Valle.
- Yes, madame?
- Has Mademoiselle Vautier gone?
- Yes.
- Oh, that's too bad.
I wanted to ask her to ask you...
if you would be good enough
to go out to dinner with me tonight.
Good night, madame.
And let me tell you again,
you dance like a dream.
- Oh, no. It's the way you lead.
- No, madame, it's the way you follow.
- No, monsieur.
- Yes, madame.
Well, the evening's still young.
Let's go down to the living room
and talk it over.
- Good night, Monsieur La Valle.
- Good night, Madame Colet.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Monsieur Giron,
madame will be with you presently.
Very well, Jacques.
No, Captain...
Now, Major, you mustn't
monopolize Monsieur La Valle.
Please.
May I present Monsieur La Valle.
Madame Viton,
Mademoiselle Du Lac,
Monsieur Le Grand.
A pleasure, monsieur.
- This is Madame Boucher, Monsieur Filiba.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- Monsieur La Valle.
Monsieur La Valle. Lady Claremont.
That's that Monsieur La Valle.
La Valle? Who is Monsieur La Valle?
I don't know.
She says he's her secretary.
Oh? So.
And he says he's her secretary.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe he is her secretary.
- Excuse me.
- Certainly.
Pardon me, monsieur, but I have
the feeling we've met somewhere before.
Sorry. I don't seem
to recall the occasion.
- No, I'm afraid...
- Oh, I must be mistaken.
I beg your pardon.
That man never met me,
and he knows it.
Trying to make social connections.
Monsieur Giron, I'm so busy. Must I be
bothered with all those papers now?
I'm sorry, madame,
but there are still certain matters...
which you should attend to yourself.
And I personally would not care
to refer them to, uh...
to, uh...
Monsieur La Valle?
Madame, I have enjoyed the confidence
of your family for more than 40 years.
I was a school friend
of your husband's.
I know.
Madame, may I ask you,
who is this Monsieur La Valle?
Where does he come from?
What is he?
He's my secretary. I hope that answers
all your questions, Mr. Giron.
I suppose you know what Paris is saying
about Countess Falconier...
and her chauffeur?
Jacques.
Yes, madame?
Ask Monsieur La Valle
to come in for a moment, please.
Now, please.
Please calm yourself.
I'm like that. L-I can't help it.
I know I never met that man,
and yet...
- La Valle?
- La Valle.
La Valle.
You know, if I like a man,
I remember him.
And if I don't like him,
I never forget him.
In a nutshell, madame,
it is little things like that
that drive me crazy.
Excuse me.
- Monsieur La Valle?
- Yes, Monsieur Filiba?
Did we...
No. No.
And yet...
Pardon me. Madame Colet would like
to see you in the living room.
At once, Jacques.
We'll continue later.
Now see here, my good man.
Let us face the facts.
I'm giving a dinner party, and one man
turned me down at the last minute.
- Have you a dinner jacket?
- Oh...
Madame?
Will you be good enough to go over
these papers with Monsieur Giron?
I shall be delighted.
And so will Monsieur Giron.
Well.
Monsieur La Valle,
there are several questions I've been
wanting to ask you for quite a while.
- I understand you are from Marseilles.
- Mm-hmm.
In that case, you must be related
to the La Valles of Marseilles.
Just a minute, please.
I hope you'll find
those figures... correct.
- I hope so too.
- Monsieur La Valle,
I have enjoyed the confidence
of this family for more...
For more than 40 years.
So madame told me.
And I have known
the La Valles of Marseilles...
for more than 30 years.
Ten...
Monsieur La Valle, you seem to be
persistently evading my questions.
And you, Monsieur Giron,
seem to be persistently disturbing...
my examination of your report.
Examination? Monsieur La Valle,
what are you insinuating?
I have enjoyed the confidence
of this family for more than 40 years.
How long have you enjoyed
the confidence of madame?
Three weeks, I believe.
- Two weeks and three days.
- Ha! Ha!
Are you insinuating anything,
Monsieur Giron?
- No, no, not at all.
- Well, that's fine.
Then you're not insinuating
that I'm evading your questions,
and I'm not insinuating that
you won't let me examine your report.
I was only asking if you were related
to the La Valles of Marseilles.
And I was only asking you to let me
examine your report without interruption.
I don't see why any man
should get excited...
because he's asked
about his hometown.
And I don't see any reason
for any man to get nervous...
because someone checks over
the figures of his report.
Monsieur La Valle! Are you insinuating
this is not an honest report?
I am only insinuating
that you are nervous.
- Nervous? Why should I be nervous?
- I don't know, Monsieur Giron.
Are you trying to say there is anything
in these figures to make me nervous?
No, not at all.
- We'll keep the papers here.
- But...
And tomorrow I'll call you
at your office and tell you all
about the La Valles of Marseilles.
- I, uh...
- And there won't be any tea party
to interrupt us.
Good-bye, Monsieur Giron.
Do you know who's here?
Come in.
Monsieur La Valle, Monsieur Filiba
would like very much to see you.
In a moment.
- Filiba?
- Yes, Filiba.
- Venice, Grand Hotel,
room two fifty-three...
- Five, seven and nine!
Yes. Now, don't worry.
- I wanted to say good-bye to you.
- Good-bye, Monsieur Filiba.
But... before I go
and before I say good-bye,
I want to ask you one question.
- Have you ever been in Venice?
- No.
- You've never been in Venice?
- No.
- Have you ever been in Vienna?
- No.
- Amsterdam? Constantinople?
- No. No.
- You've never been in Constantinople?
- No.
- But you have been in Venice?
- Yes.
Then let me tell you, Venice can't
compare with Constantinople.
I don't care what you say.
In Constantinople at least
you have streets, sultans,
pashas, turbans...
- And harems, hmm?
- All kinds.
Well, Constantinople.
Elysee 7689.
We have to clear out.
Railroad station?
Ticket office, please.
- Did he recognize you?
- No, no, not yet.
Two tickets to Berlin,
first-class and sleeper.
Night train. Right. Right.
Leave them in the name of
el seor Ignacio Fernandez.
Right. Thank you.
- Spanish passports.
- Correct. Now the train leaves...
At 12:20, I know. Roquet 2471.
Two more days and we'd have had
750,000 francs more.
We'll have to take what's here.
A bird in hand is worth two in jail.
Hello, is this the Spanish consulate?
This is la seora de Ignacio Fernandez.
- How long will it take you
to clean up the place?
- I don't know.
Fortunately she has a dinner
engagement tonight. I'll meet
you at the station, midnight.
Hello. Yes?
What? You found a handbag?
- Well, you're three weeks too late.
- See you at the Berlin Express.
By the way, how's your German?
Marchand 2911.
Hello. Is this the Petit Flower Shop?
I want you to take five dozen roses...
deep red roses...
and I want you to put them
in a basket...
and send this basket tomorrow morning
to Madame Colet.
And attach a card.
"In memory of the late
Monsieur La Valle."
Tomorrow morning, 10:00.
Yes. What?
Oh.
Charge it to Madame Colet.
Yes. Thank you.
Yes, madame?
What are you going to do with
my day tomorrow, Monsieur La Valle?
Well, we'll have breakfast
in the garden together.
Mm-hmm.
- Then horseback riding together.
- Mm-hmm.
- Then lunch in the bois.
- Together.
- Then, I would say, a little nap.
- To...
How do you like my new dress?
- Beautiful.
- Hair?
Marvelous.
Lipstick?
Crimson.
Correct.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Good-bye.
- Madame?
- Yes?
Are you staying out late?
Why do you ask?
Do I have to answer?
No.
Yes, Jacques?
The car is waiting, madame.
I won't need the car.
I'm not going.
Very well, madame.
- Jacques.
- Yes, Monsieur La Valle?
Madame has changed her mind.
She'll be down in a minute.
Very well, monsieur.
But I told you, I don't want to go.
But you have an engagement,
and I don't want people to talk.
- Talk? About me? About us?
- Precisely.
Afraid I'm ruining your reputation,
Monsieur La Valle?
No, yours, madame.
Monsieur La Valle,
I have a confession to make to you.
You like me.
In fact, you're crazy about me.
Otherwise, you wouldn't think
about my reputation.
Isn't that so?
But, incidentally, I don't like you.
I don't like you at all.
And I wouldn't hesitate one instant
to ruin your reputation...
Like that.
- You wouldn't?
- No, I wouldn't.
Like that?
Like that.
I know all your tricks.
And you're going to fall for them.
So you think you can get me?
Any minute I want.
You're conceited.
But attractive.
- Now let me say...
- Shut up. Kiss me.
Wasting all this marvelous time
with arguments.
Hello? Well, I'll try him again.
Yes. He's in his office, but he's busy.
Madame Colet?
She's still here, but she's busy too.
Well, I'll ring again.
# Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la #
- Yes, Jacques?
- Monsieur Giron is downstairs.
Tell him I can't see him now.
Impossible.
And, Jacques, dismiss the car.
Madame is not going.
Yes, Monsieur La Valle.
- Jacques.
- Yes, madame? Yes, madame?
Don't dismiss the car.
I'll be down in a few minutes.
Yes, madame.
I want you to stay, Mariette.
You've got to stay. You can't go now.
- I must go.
- I'm crazy about you.
- I know it.
- I love you.
- I believe you.
- Then why do you want to go?
Because I want
to make it tough for you.
Oh.
We have a long time
ahead of us, Gaston.
Weeks, months,
years.
Eleven o'clock.
Gobelins 7879.
Hello? Oh, darling!
Oh, darling, it's good to hear
your voice. I thought you'd never call.
Well, I tried to get you.
What?
What?
Tomorrow morning?
Why?
Of course.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
No doubt about it.
It's that secretary.
Funny the kind of men women fall for.
No color, no sparkle.
But dependable.
The type they marry.
You know, I'm not the marrying type.
I like to take my fun and leave it.
Nice suit.
- You like it?
- Smart. London, eh?
Ogilvie and Oglethorpe.
Mmm, I thought so.
You know, he's really
not such a bad fellow.
- No, just dull.
- Insignificant.
He's a secretary.
He always was a secretary,
always will be.
Funny.
The first time I saw him,
I thought he was a doctor.
Tonsils. Positively tonsils.
I'm very sorry, but this is not
the time, Monsieur Giron.
- I've got to see you.
- But not now.
Right now!
It's very important, Monsieur La Valle.
It may be important to you,
Monsieur Giron.
No, to you,
Monsieur Monescu.
Mariette, Mariette,
please, please believe us.
No, no, no. Please. It's absolutely
ridiculous, and I don't believe it.
But you have no idea...
I'm tired anyway, so please
leave me alone. Good night.
I had a lovely time.
So I said to myself, "All right.
If he wants to look at 'em, let him
look at 'em. There's no harm in that."
Then he said, "Say ah" and I said "ah,"
and that's all I can remember.
- You will pack your things at once.
- Yes, monsieur.
- And you will be out of here
by tomorrow morning.
- Very well, monsieur.
- Otherwise, I will call the police.
- Yes, monsieur.
- Monsieur Giron?
- What is it?
You have enjoyed the confidence
of this family for more than 40 years.
You must be a man of about 65.
- Well?
- Let's see...
You will be exactly 87
when you come out of prison.
- What do you mean?
- You say I'm a crook.
- I know it!
- Then why didn't you call the police?
Who don't you call the police?
I'll tell you why, you crook, you.
- Monsieur...
- Monescu.
- Monsieur Monescu.
- Just call me Gaston.
Good-bye, Adolphe.
Don't you dare to call me Adolphe!
Are you insane?
You have to get out of here at once.
She may be back at any minute.
What time is your rendezvous?
- Now, Lily...
- Yes, Monsieur Colet?
- You have to get out of here.
- That's what I'm here for, to get out.
I want to get away from here,
from you, just as fast as I can...
and as far as 100,000 francs
will take me.
- Sixty-five, thirty-five to the left.
- Don't you realize...
I wouldn't fall for another man
if he were the biggest crook on earth.
Seventy-six, eighty-four.
What has she got that I haven't got?
- You must listen to me.
- Shut up. Don't make up any stories.
- But, Lily...
- Don't you dare lie to me!
I know you love me.
Why don't you say something?
Come on, be brilliant.
Talk yourself out of it.
Bluff yourself in.
Shut up, you liar, you!
This is what I want.
This is real... money, cash.
Good evening, madame.
When a lady takes her jewels off
in a gentleman's room,
where does she put them?
On the... On the night table.
But I don't want to be a lady.
May I?
Oh, let me have a little fun.
Please.
- Sixty-five.
- Thirty-three.
No. Thirty-five.
Oh. Hmm.
Thirty-five to the left.
You know, Franois thinks
you are a very remarkable man.
- He was at dinner tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Seventy-six.
- Mariette.
Yes, Gaston?
What would you say if you found
your safe had been robbed?
I wouldn't say anything.
I would act.
- Call the police?
- Instantly.
Mm-hmm.
But why talk about robbery
on a night like this?
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
- Mariette.
- Yes, Gaston?
You have been robbed.
For years.
And not a hundred thousand francs,
but millions.
And you know who did it?
Adolphe.
- Adolphe?
- AdolpheJ. Giron.
- And you expect me to believe that?
- Naturally not.
But I expect the police to believe it.
- No.
- Why not?
- He's a thief. He's a criminal.
- I don't believe it.
Then why are you afraid
to let me prove it?
It would be a terrible scandal,
wouldn't it?
- Giron?
- Yes, Giron.
Chairman of the board of directors
of Colet and Company.
Honorary president
of the Orphans' Asylum.
AdolpheJ. Giron, distinguished citizen.
Well, shall I call the police?
I see.
You have to be in the social register
to keep out of jail.
But when a man starts at the bottom
and works his way up,
a self-made crook, then you say,
"Call the police.
Put him behind bars. Lock him up."
Very well, madame.
I am Gaston Monescu.
The police will be delighted
to verify my identity.
Gaston, did you take the money?
Yes.
You wanted
a hundred thousand francs...
and I thought you wanted me.
I came here to rob you,
but unfortunately
I fell in love with you,
Mariette.
Why did you take the money?
Madame, the only thing that seems
to stand between you and romance...
is a hundred thousand francs.
Well, he didn't take it.
I took it, all by myself.
Now you can have your romance.
I think you'd better go.
Ever had a romance with a crook?
- I beg your pardon?
- Let me give you a little advice.
When you embrace him,
be sure to put on gloves.
It would be too bad
if your fingerprints were found...
Mademoiselle Vautier,
or whatever your name is,
I thank you for your free advice,
but I must ask you to go.
- You have your money.
- I don't want your money!
You wanted to buy him for 50 francs.
Well, you can have him for nothing!
- And you... Leave me alone!
- Lily.
You were willing to sacrifice
a hundred thousand francs for her.
And you!
You paid 125,000 francs for a handbag!
Well, you can pay 100,000 for him.
Good-bye, Madame Colet...
and company.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
It could have been marvelous.
Divine.
Wonderful.
But tomorrow morning,
if you should wake out of your dreams...
and hear a knock and the door opens,
and there, instead of a maid
with a breakfast tray...
stands a policeman with a warrant,
then you'll be glad you are alone.
But it could have been glorious.
Lovely.
Divine.
But that terrible policeman.
Good-bye.
Do you know what you're missing?
No.
That's what you're missing.
Your gift to her.
With the compliments
of Colet and Company.
Gaston!