Yeah
Yes, I've never been to Graceland
Never took that trip
No, I never been to Vegas
'cept once on a plane
I never left the airport
Ain't goin' back again
Yes, I've never been to Graceland
In Jailhouse Rock, he was
everything rockabilly's about.
Nah, nah. I mean, he is rockabilly.
Mean, surly, nasty, rude.
In that movie, he couldn't give a fuck
about nothin'. It's, like, rockin' and rollin',
livin' fast, dying young and
leaving a good-lookin' corpse.
Some people said he's crazy
I watched that hillbilly, and
I would wanna be him so bad.
Elvis looked good.
I mean, I ain't no fag, but Elvis was
prettier than most women, you know?
Most women.
You know, I always said
if I had to fuck a guy--
you know, I mean, had to--
if my life depended on it--
I'd fuck Elvis.
I'd fuck Elvis.
- Really?
- Well, when he was alive. Not now.
Well, I don't blame you.
So we'd, uh, we'd both fuck Elvis.
It's nice to meet people with
common interests, ain't it? Yeah.
Well, enough about the King.
How 'bout-- How 'bout you?
How 'bout me, what?
How 'bout you go to the
movies with me tonight?
- What are we gonna see?
- A Sonny Chiba triple feature.
The Street Fighter, Return of the
Street Fighter and Sister Street Fighter.
- Who's Sonny Chiba?
- Who is Sonny Chiba?
He is, bar none, the finest actor
working in martial arts movies today.
You wanna take me to a Kung Fu movie?
I don't think so. Not really my cup of tea.
Ah, all right.
I had to come all the way from the highway
and byways of Tallahassee, Florida...
to Motor City, Detroit,
to find my true love.
If you gave me a million years to ponder,
I would never have guessed that true
romance and Detroit would ever go together.
And to this day, the events that
followed all seem like a distant dream.
But the dream was real and was
to change our lives forever.
I kept asking Clarence why our
world seemed to be collapsing...
and everything seemed
so shitty, and he'd say,
"That's the way it goes.
But don't forget: It
goes the other way too."
That's the way romance is.
Usually, that's the way it goes.
But every once in a while,
it goes the other way too.
My heart beats, and there's time.
Don't move, Tojo. You'll be unconscious
soon through lack of oxygen.
- It's an ancient technique.
- An oxygen--
Oh, look what happened.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- That's okay. I'm fine.
- You okay?
Oh, Jesus. I'm the clumsiest
person in the world.
It's all right. Accidents happen.
What a wonderful philosophy.
Thanks for being a sweetheart,
'cause you could've been a real dick.
- Come on. Ready?
- Yes.
Larry, where are we going?
Look, we don't know what's
going to be coming next.
- You mean, you're scared?
- Aren't you?
Hey, laundromat clothes!
- Mind if I smoke?
- No, no.
Listen, do you mind filling
me in on what I missed?
No, no. Um--
Let's see. Uh, that guy up there,
that's Sonny Chiba.
- The Oriental?
- Yeah. The one in black.
- Want a Goober?
- Uh, no-- Yeah.
In the beginning of the movie,
he was hired to get this guy--
- You've got popcorn all over you.
- Thanks. That's all right.
- Is he supposed to be a good guy?
- Uh, well,
he ain't so much a good guy as
he is just a bad motherfucker.
He gets paid by people
to fuck guys up, you know?
You came to see 3 Kung Fu movies?
- Sure. Why not?
- Nothin', nothin'.
It's just you're a girl after
my own heart, that's all.
- Do you know what time it is?
- It's about 12:00.
I suppose you gotta get up early, huh?
No, not particularly. How come?
It's just after I see a movie, I like to
go get a piece of pie and talk about it.
It's sort of a little tradition I have. Do you
like to get pie after you see a good movie?
Yeah, I love to get pie after a movie.
Would like to go get some pie with me?
Yeah, I'd love some pie.
In my life
In that movie, he didn't
give a fuck about nothin'...
except rock 'n' roll, livin' fast, dyin'
young and leavin' a good-lookin' corpse.
Enough about the King. How about you?
- How about me, what?
- Tell me-- Tell me about yourself.
What do you wanna know?
Well, for starters, uh, what do you do,
where are you from, what's your favorite color,
who's your favorite movie star,
what kind of music do you like,
what are your turn-ons, your turnoffs?
I guess the big question
is do you have a fella?
Okay. Ask me again, one by one.
- What do you do?
- I don't remember.
- Where are you from?
- I don't know.
- What's your favorite color?
- I don't know. Black?
- Who's your favorite movie star?
- Burt Reynolds.
- You want a bite of my pie?
- Yes, I would. A little one.
All right. Oop. You all right?
- It's good. You like it?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- What kind of music you like?
- Phil Spector. Girl group stuff like "He's a Rebel."
What are your turn-ons?
Mm, Mickey Rourke. A man who can appreciate
the finer things in life, like sugar.
Elvis's voice, Kung Fu, pot.
- Turnoffs?
- Turnoffs.
- Mm-hmm.
- Persians.
Do you, uh, have a fella?
Ask me that one a little bit later.
In a theater full of empty
seats, why did you sit by me?
'Cause you looked like a nice guy.
So I had to dump my popcorn all over you.
I'll get the check. Where to next?
- Can I peek?
- Don't peek. Keep your eyes shut.
All right? All right.
I'm turnin' the lights on.
Okay. Open 'em.
Oh, wow! Wow, what a swell place to work!
Yeah, it's pretty cool. I got the keys,
so I just come in, read comics, play music.
- You worked here a long time?
- Almost 4 years.
That's a long time.
I know, but it's not so bad. I mean,
I'm pretty friendly with most of the customers,
so I just hang out, you know,
bullshit, read comic books.
You get paid a lot?
Uh, no. That's where the trouble
comes into paradise. But--
the boss, he's a pretty nice guy.
He lets you borrow money from time to time.
To be lonely
You wanna see what Spider-Man
number 1 looks like?
You bet.
Just great stories, great
characters, beautiful artwork.
See, in this one here, Nick,
he's gotten this ring for his sweetheart,
and he wears it around his neck on a chain.
And later on in the story, he gets
in this fight with this Nazi bastard.
And the Kraut, he grabs ahold of
the chain. The ring goes overboard.
But I just don't know
Nick, he dives into the ocean to get it.
Isn't that cool?
- Haven't you heard
- Haven't you heard
Guess we're just 2 wounded birds
Now we're both here
And we're alone
We still don't know
What it takes Oh, girl
We wanna feel love
We're just so scared
I know we've got nothing
- But haven't you heard
- Haven't you heard
I guess we're just 2 wounded birds
Oh, we wanna say it
- And can't find the words
- Can't find the words
I guess we're just 2 wounded birds
What is it? Are you cryin'?
What'd I do? Did I do somethin'?
- You didn't do nothin'.
- What is it?
I have something I gotta tell you.
I didn't just happen to be at that
theater. I was paid to be there.
You were paid to be there? Are you a
theater checker? You get paid to check up...
on the box office girls, make sure
they're not ripping the place off?
I'm not a theater checker. I'm a call girl.
- You're a whore?
- No, I'm a call girl, and there's a difference.
Here it goes. You know the place you
took me last night, the place you work?
- Heroes for Sale?
- You got a boss, right?
- Yeah.
- What's his name?
- Lance.
- That's him. He called the place where I work.
He ordered a girl for you.
He said he wanted you to get laid,
seein' you didn't get out much
and it was your birthday and all.
He wanted me to act like I just showed up. How
did he know you were gonna be at that theater?
Uh, well, I go to the movies
every year on my birthday.
In fact, he called me up this week to find
out what my birthday movie was gonna be.
- You're not mad?
- No, man.
I can't tell you-- That's one of
the best times I ever had. It was.
I knew something must be rotten in Denmark.
There was no way you could like me that much.
I can't tell you how relieved I was when you
took off your dress, you didn't have a dick.
Stop being so fucking calm about
all this! Go look in your house!
There's a note on your TV. It says "Dear
Clarence," 'cause I couldn't write any more.
So I just said, "Alabama, come
clean and just tell him what's what.
And if he tells you to go back to Drexl and
fuck yourself, then go back and fuck yourself."
- Drexl? What's a Drexl?
- Please shut up! I'm trying to come clean, okay?
I've been a call girl for exactly 4 days,
and you're my 3rd customer.
I want you to know that
I am not damaged goods.
I'm not what they call in Florida
"white trash." I'm a really good person.
And when it comes to relationships,
I'm 100%--
I'm 100% monogamous.
- You stay with one guy?
- Exactly.
If I'm with you, then I'm with
you, and I don't want anybody else.
Now, I gotta tell you something
else. When you said last night...
was one of the best times you
ever had, did you mean physically?
Well, yeah. Yeah, but I'm
talking about the whole night.
I mean, I never had as much fun with a
girl as I had with you in my whole life.
It's true. You like Elvis. You like Janis.
You like Kung Fu movies. You
like The Partridge Family.
- Star Trek.
- Actually, I don't like The Partridge Family.
That was part of the act.
Clarence-- and I feel
really goofy saying this...
after only knowing you one night...
and me being a call girl and all--
but I think I love you.
Wait a second.
Look, I've been tryin' to keep
this whole thing in perspective.
You just said you love me. Now, if I say I
love you and just throw caution to the wind...
and let the chips fall where they may,
and you're lyin' to me, I'm gonna fuckin' die.
I'm not lyin' to you, and I
swear from this moment forth,
I'll never lie to you again.
- Whoo-hoo! Well, hello, Mrs.Worley.
- How do you do, Mr.Worley?
- Top of the mornin' to ya, Mrs.Worley.
- Bottom of the ninth, Mr.Worley.
- By the way, have you seen your lovely little wife today?
- Are you speaking...
of my beautiful, charming,
sexy wife, Mrs. Alabama Worley?
- Why, are there any others, Mr.Worley?
- No. None for me. No.
- No. No.
- Yes. Yes.
- It's a nice day for a white wedding
- Excuse me.
Do you think you could turn
down the heat just a teeny bit?
It's a nice day to start again
'Bama, I gotta ask you a
question. Who and what is a Drexl?
- He was my pimp.
- You had a pimp?
- I was a call girl. Call girls have pimps.
- Was he black?
He thinks he is. He said his mama was
an Apache, but I suspect he's lyin'.
- Is he nice?
- I wouldn't go so far as to call him nice,
but he treated me pretty decent.
I was only there for 4 days. He got
a little bit rough the other day.
- What do you mean? With you?
- No. My friend Arlene.
- What did he do to Arlene?
- Slapped her around a little bit, kicked her.
- It was pretty scary.
- This motherfucker sounds beautiful.
What'd you do to end up with
a son of a bitch like that?
- What you motherfuckers talkin' about?
- Floyd say he don't be eatin' pussy.
Drexl, shit. Any nigga say he don't
eat pussy is lyin' his ass off.
- I heard that.
- Hold on a second, Big "D." You sayin' you eat pussy?
Yeah, motherfucker. I eat everything.
I eat pussy. I eat the butt.
- I eat every motherfuckin' thing.
- If I ever did eat some pussy--
I would never eat any pussy, right?
But if I did eat some pussy,
I sure as hell wouldn't tell
no-goddamn-body about it.
- I'd be ashamed as a motherfucker, man.
- Nigga, you smoke enough Sherm,
your dumb ass'll do a lot
of motherfuckin' things.
You'd be up in there suckin' niggas' dicks!
- Oh.
- Yo, man! Fuck you guys!
- You guys is fucked up.
- Yo, yo, why you trippin'? We just fuckin' with you.
In fact, I'm gonna show you what
I mean with a little demonstration.
Toss me the burner.
All right. Peep this.
Pretend it's that fine centerfold bitch.
Know what I'm sayin'? And you're you.
You say it ain't tough I got
ya I can't get enough, Get it
Get it, get it
Get it
- Honey, where are you going?
- Bathroom.
Johnny!
- Oh.
- I'm so lonely
I'm so lonely
I'm so lonely I could die
- Well, can you live with it?
- What?
- I said, can you live with it?
- Live with what?
That son of a bitch walkin' around,
breathing the same air as you,
gettin' away with it every day.
- Are you haunted?
- Yeah.
- You wanna get un-haunted?
- Oh, yeah.
Well, I'd kill him, shoot him in the face,
put him down like a dog.
- I can't believe what you're tellin' me.
- I'm just sayin' what I'd do.
- You'd do that?
- Fuck don't deserve to live.
Look, he's hauntin' me, you know? I mean,
I do wanna kill him, but I don't wanna
spend the rest of my life in jail.
- Hey, man, I don't blame you.
- If I thought I'd get away with it--
Get away with it? Killing's the hard part.
Gettin' away with it, that's easy.
You think a cop gives a fuck about a pimp?
Listen. Every pimp in the world gets shot.
Cops'd throw a party, man.
As long as you're not at the scene of
the crime, smokin' gun in your hand,
you'd get away with it.
Clarence, I like you. I always have.
Always will.
- 'Bama.
- Where are you goin'?
I need you to write down
your former address.
Why?
Well, so I can go over there and
pick up your stuff. That's why.
Oh, baby. Come on, Clarence.
I just wanna disappear from there.
Look, 'Bama, I know he scares the shit out of
you, but I'm not scared of that motherfucker.
You are completely out of his reach.
He poses no threat to you.
If he doesn't matter, which he doesn't, it
would seem silly, you to lose all your things.
- Now, that's all.
- Listen.
- You don't know him.
- No. You don't know me,
not when it comes to shit like this.
I need to do this. I want you to know
that you can count on me to protect you.
Come on. Please. Just write it down.
- This isn't a good idea.
- I tell ya, it's gonna be fine.
I'll be in and out of there.
- Be careful.
- I will.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
- You want something?
- Hey. You Drexl?
- No, man. I'm Marty.
- Well, I wanna talk to Drexl.
- What the fuck you wanna talk to him about?
- It's about Alabama.
He was askin' about Alabama.
- Where the fuck is that bitch?
- She's with me.
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'm her husband.
Well, that makes us practically related.
You have a seat, boy.
Grab yourself a'egg roll.
We got everything here from a
Little-Eyed Joe to damned if I know.
No, thanks.
"No, thanks"? What that mean, hmm?
I think you're too scared to be eatin'.
Now, see, we're sittin' down
here, ready to negotiate,
and you've already given up your shit.
I'm still a mystery to you, but I know
exactly where your white ass is comin' from.
See, if I ask if you want some dinner and
you grab a' egg roll and start to chow down,
I say to myself, this motherfucker,
he's carryin' on like he ain't got a care.
And who knows? Maybe he don't.
Maybe this fool is such a bad motherfucker,
he don't got to worry about nothin'.
He just sit down, watch my motherfuckin' TV.
See?
You ain't even sat down yet.
Man, that TV over there-- Since you been in the
room, there's a woman with her "breastuses"...
hangin' out, and you ain't
even bothered to look.
You just been clockin' me.
I know I'm pretty,
but I ain't as pretty as a couple of titties.
Ooh, wee! This child be fierce.
I'm not eatin' 'cause I'm not hungry.
I'm not sittin' 'cause I'm not stayin'.
I ain't lookin' at the movie 'cause
I already seen it 7 years ago.
It's The Mack. Max Julian,
Carol Speed and Richard Pryor.
I ain't scared of ya. I just don't like ya.
In that envelope right there is some payoff
money. Alabama is movin' to greener pastures.
We're not negotiatin'. I don't barter. What's
in that envelope is for my peace of mind.
My peace of mind is worth
that much, not one penny more.
It's empty.
Marty, you know what we got here?
Motherfuckin' Charlie Bronson.
Mr.Majestyk?
Lookie here, Charlie.
None of this bullshit is necessary.
I don't got no hold over Alabama.
I was just tryin' to lend
the girl a helpin' hand.
- Come here, you mother--
This is what you get...
if you fuck with me, white boy!
Talkin' that smack in front
of my motherfuckin' freaks!
Shit, motherfucker! Your ass gotta be crazy!
You must've thought it
was white boy day, huh?
- It ain't white boy day, is it?
- No, man. It ain't white boy day.
Shit, man. You done fucked up again. Huh?
Well, well, well. Lookie what we got here.
"Clarence Worley"?
It sounds almost like a nigger
name. And I know where you live.
And I make a million-dollar bet
that Alabama is at the same address.
Marty, take the car. Go get her.
Bring her dumb ass back here.
- I think I'll keep lover boy here entertained.
- Roxanne, where's my jacket?
- Hey, Roxanne!
- Hey, Marty, what the fuck are you doin'?
- I gotta find my jacket.
- Look in the fuckin' hamper.
Drexl?
You! Get a bag and put
Alabama's things in it.
Wanna get fuckin' shot? Get a bag
and put Alabama's things in it.
I just did you the biggest
fuckin' favor of your life!
Open your eyes. I said,
open your fuckin' eyes!
You thought it was pretty
fuckin' funny, didn't you?
Well, fuck you! Fuck you, you piece of shit!
Don't fuckin' move!
I was selfish. I know I was selfish.
I was, but I was carrying your child.
Please don't leave.
And if I told you--
I killed him. Want a hamburger or
somethin'? I'm fuckin' starvin' to death.
- Is this a joke?
- No joke.
That's probably the best goddamn fuckin'
hamburger I ever had in my entire life.
I've never had a hamburger taste this good.
Come on. Eat something. You'll feel better.
You and I had this one night.
What the fuck you cryin' for, huh?
I mean, Christ, he's not
worth one of your tears.
Would you rather it have
been me? Is that it, huh?
Is that what you want? I mean,
do you love him? Do you love him?
I said, do you fuckin' love him, huh?
- I think what you did wa-- - What?
- I think what you did...
- What?
- was so romantic.
Yeah.
- Oh, baby, you're bleeding.
- Yeah.
I got your things right here.
Clean clothes.
- I love you.
- I love you.
There's a God.
The-- These aren't my clothes.
A little bitty tear let me down
Spoilin' my act as a clown
I was all made up not to frown
But a little bitty tear let me down
A little bitty tear let me down
Spoilin' my act as a clown
Rommel, where are you?
Come here. Come on, boy.
Get in here. You get in here
now. Get in there. Go on.
You said you were leavin' tomorrow
That today was our last day
I said there'd be no sorrow
That I'd laugh when you walked away
A little bitty tear let me down
Spoiled my act as a clown
I had it made up not to make a frown
But a little bitty tear let me down
Good mornin', Daddy. Hey, Rommel.
Long time, no see, huh? Oh,
yeah. Good boy. Good boy.
Now, you're gonna have to excuse the place.
I haven't been exactly doin'
a lot of entertainment...
of company as of late.
I'm sorry if I seem a little tense,
but you're the last person in the world
that I expected to see this morning.
That's okay, Dad. I tend to
have that effect on people.
You, uh, you got anything to drink
around here? I'm dyin' of thirst.
There should be-- There
should be a 7 UP in there.
Anything stronger? Probably not.
Beer? You can drink beer, can't you?
I can, but I don't.
Yeah, that's about all I ever eat.
Excuse me.
Hello, hello, hello. I'm his father.
- How are you?
- That's all right. I'm his wife, Alabama Worley.
- Pleased to meet ya.
- We got married.
Yeah.
Well, lover, why don't you be
a sport and go get us some beer?
You want some beer? I mean, if
you want some, it'll be here.
All right? Where is there
a liquor store around here?
There's a party store down on 54th Street.
Get a 6-pack of somethin' imported.
Hard to tell you what to get, 'cause
different places have different things. Here.
- That should cover it. Okey-dokey.
- Okey-dokey, Doggy Daddy.
Okay.
Ain't she the sweetest goddamn thing
you ever saw in your whole life?
I mean, she-- she a 4-alarm fire or what?
- She seems very nice.
- Nice?
Daddy, "nice" ain't the word. I mean,
this girl, she's a peach, you know?
She even tastes like a peach.
You can tell I'm in
love with her, can't you?
No. Wait. I gotta talk.
Clarence, sit down, shut up.
You're givin' me a fuckin' headache.
I mean, you're so much like
your mother I can't believe it.
You're your fuckin' mother through and
through. I haven't heard from you in 3 years.
You show up all of a sudden
at 8:00 in the morning.
You walk in here like a goddamn bulldozer.
And don't get me wrong. I
love you. I'm glad to see you.
But slow it down, man.
All right?
Now,
when did you get married?
Daddy, uh...
I'm in big fuckin' trouble.
I really need your help.
No, no, no, no. Stop talking.
- What do you want from me?
- What?
What do you want from me?
Stop acting like an infant.
You're here because you want me to help you
in some way. What do you need from me? Money?
- No. You still have friends on the force?
- Yes, I still have friends.
Well, then, could you just find out if they
know anything about us? I don't think...
they know shit, but I don't wanna
think; I wanna know for sure.
- You could do that, right?
- What makes you think that I could do that?
- 'Cause you were a cop.
- But what makes you think that I would do that?
- 'Cause I'm your son.
- Oh, you're my son.
Oh, you got it, huh, all
worked out, don't you, huh?
- Oh, yeah.
- Look. I mean, goddamn, I have never
asked you for a goddamn thing.
But Jesus fuckin' Christ, after Mom divorced
you, did I ever ask you for anything?
No, I didn't. When I wouldn't see
you for a year and a half to 2 years,
did I ever get in your shit about it?
And that whole fuckin' time you were drunk,
did I ever get mad and point my finger at you?
No, I never did. Everybody
else did, but I didn't.
Now, look. I just need help, and
you can fuckin' help me, all right?
Now, I'm basically a pretty resourceful guy.
If I didn't need it, I wouldn't ask.
I mean, if you wanna say
no, then fine, forget it.
Don't worry about it. No
problem. I'm goin'. All right?
The Virgin's back!
Thank God. I could eat a horse if
you slapped enough ketchup on it.
- I didn't get you any chicken.
- Well, how come?
Honey, it's too early in
the morning. It's only 9:00.
Son of a bitch.
- Dick Ritchie. Dick Ritchie!
- That's me. I'm me.
- Come inside.
- Okay.
Sit. Sit, sit, sit.
Now, the part you'll be reading
for is one of the bad guys.
- There's Brian and Marty.
- Who?
- Is there a problem?
- No. No.
Peter Breck has already been
cast in the part of Brian.
So you'll be reading for the role of Marty.
In this scene, you're both in a car,
and Bill Shatner is hanging on the hood.
What you wanna do is get him off.
All right. I'm Marty.
- Ready?
- Yeah. Okay.
I'm driving. Okay.
- Where the fuck did he come from?
- I don't know.
- He just appeared like magic.
- Well, don't just sit there.
Shoot him.
Get him!
Thank you, Mr.Ritchie. I'm very
impressed. You're a very fine actor.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- We'll let you know.
- Okay.
- Okay, one-handed.
- One-handed. There we go.
Then the other one there.
Here comes the train.
Well, they found nothing.
In fact, they think it's drug related.
Uh, drug related? Why drug related?
Well, apparently, Drexl had
his big toe stuck in that shit.
- Really?
- Drexl had an association with a fellow named Blue Lou Boyle.
- Name mean anything to you?
- No.
Well, if you don't hang around
his circle, no reason it should.
- Why? Who is he?
- Gangster, drug dealer.
Somebody that you don't want on
your ass. Now, look, Clarence,
the more I hear about this Drexl fucker,
the more I think you did the right thing.
This guy wasn't just some wild flake.
No, man. That's what I was
trying to tell you before.
The guy was like a mad dog.
So, the cops, they don't
think-- They're not after us.
No. Until they hear something better,
they'll just assume Drexl had
a falling-out with Blue Lou.
And once you leave town, I
wouldn't even worry about it.
Thanks a lot, Daddy. You
really came through for me.
I got some money I could give you.
No. Keep it. Keep it.
Well, now, son,
I want you to know that, uh,
I hope everything works
out with you and Alabama.
I like her.
And I think you... make a real cute couple.
Yeah, well, now, you--
you stay out of trouble.
Hmm?
Remember, you got a--you got
a wife to think about now.
Quit fuckin' around.
Son...
I love you.
- All right.
- All right.
This is my friend Dick Ritchie's
number and address in Hollywood.
That's where we're gonna be.
You can get in touch with me through him.
Come on, Alabama. We're
taking off. Kiss Pops good-bye.
Bye, Daddy. Hope to see you again soon.
Hey! Hey! What kind of smackaroo is that?
- We'll send you a postcard from Hollywood, all right?
- Alabama.
- Alabama.
- Yes, sir?
- Take care of that one for me.
- Don't worry, Daddy.
- I'm gonna keep this fellow on a short leash.
- As the sun sets...
slowly in the West, we
bid you a fond farewell.
- Bye, Daddy!
- See you later, Pops!
Son of a bitch was right.
She tastes like a peach. Come on, Rommel!
Come on, boy! Come on! Come on!
Hello.
- Hello, baby!
- Hello, baby!
- Clarence?
- You got it.
Clarence, it's great to hear
from you. What's going on?
- Well, you are gonna be seeing me shortly.
- You're coming to L.A.? When?
Uh, tomorrow.
There is a story behind all that.
I will tell you when I see you.
And by the way, I ain't gonna be
alone. I am bringing my lovely wife.
Get the fuck out of here.
Clarence, you got married?
- I'm a married man, buddy.
- Chantilly lace
I'm a married man. You wanna say
hello to my better half? Come here.
- Hi, Dick. This is Alabama Worley.
- How you doing, Alabama?
Hi. Clarence told me all about you.
He said you were his best friend.
- So I guess that makes you my best friend too.
- Tell him we gotta go.
- Clarence says we gotta be going.
- Can I speak to Clarence?
- Ask him if he got the letter.
- Did you get the letter?
- What letter?
- What letter?
- Letters.
- Letters.
- I didn't get any letter.
- Has he gotten his mail yet?
- Have you gotten your mail yet?
- Well, no. My roommate Floyd--
- Has he looked through it?
- Have you looked through it? No.
Tell him to go look through it.
Go and, uh-- Go look through it.
Wait. Can I speak to Clarence, please?
- He wants to talk to you.
- No time. Tell him we gotta go.
- No time. Read the letter.
- Read the letter.
Tell him I love him.
Tell him as of tomorrow--
- He loves you. Honey, hold this.
- All right.
- As of tomorrow, all of his money problems...
- As of tomorrow,
- are gonna be over.
- all your money problems are gonna be... over.
Hello? What money problems?
Hello? Hello?
You know what I like
Chantilly lace and a pretty face
A ponytail hangin' down
A wiggle in the walk and
a giggle in the talk, Lord
Make the world go 'round
Floyd, you used up the
last piece of toilet paper!
Make me act so funny Make me spend my money
Make me feel real loose
like a long-necked goose
Oh, baby that's-a what I like
Hey! Hey! Rommel!
Hey, come here! Rommel! Rommel!
Frankie, tell Luca to go
outside and do you know what.
Do you know who I am, Mr.Worley?
I give up. Who are you?
I'm the Antichrist. You got
me in a vendetta kind of mood.
You tell the angels in heaven you've never
seen evil so singularly personified...
as you did in the face
of the man who killed you.
My name is Vincent Coccotti. I work
as counsel for Mr. Blue Lou Boyle,
the man your son stole from.
I hear you were once a cop, so I can
assume you have heard of us before.
- Am I correct?
- I've heard of Blue Lou Boyle.
I'm glad.
Hopefully, that will clear up the
"how full of shit am I" question...
you've been asking yourself.
We're gonna have a little Q and A.
And at the risk of sounding redundant,
please make your answers genuine.
You want a Chesterfield?
No.
I have a son of my own,
about your boy's age.
I can imagine how painful
this must be for you.
But Clarence...
and that bitch of a girlfriend of
his brought this all on themselves.
I implore you not to go
down that road with them.
You could always take comfort in
the fact you never had a choice.
Look, I'd like to help you if I
could, but I haven't seen Clarence.
- You see that?
- Ah, shit!
- Fuck!
- That smarts, doesn't it?
To get slammed in the nose.
Fucks you all up.
You get that pain shooting through your brain.
Your eyes fill up with water.
That ain't any kind of fun.
But what I have to offer you,
that's as good as it's gonna get.
And it won't ever get that good again.
We talked to your neighbors.
They saw a Cadillac.
Purple Cadillac.
Clarence's purple Cadillac, parked
in front of your trailer yesterday.
Mr.Worley, you seen your son?
- I've seen him.
- I can't be sure...
of how much of what he told you, so...
in the chance you're in
the dark about some of this,
let me shed some light.
That whore your boy hangs around with,
her pimp is an associate of mine.
Among his pimping and other affairs,
he works for me in a courier capacity.
Well, apparently,
that dirty little whore found out
we were gonna do some business...
'cause your son, the
cowboy, and his flame...
came into the room
blazing and didn't stop...
until they were pretty
sure everybody was dead.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about a massacre.
They snatched my narcotics.
Hightailed it out of there.
Would have got away with it,
but your son, fuck-head that he is,
left his driver's license
in the dead guy's hand.
- You know, I don't believe you.
- That's of minor importance.
What is of major fucking
importance is that I believe you.
Where did they go?
On their honeymoon.
I'm getting angry asking
the same question a 2nd time.
- Where did they go?
- They didn't tell me.
You just wait a minute and listen to me.
I haven't seen Clarence in 3 years.
He shows up yesterday...
with a young girl, saying
that he got married.
He asked for, uh,
some quick cash to go on a honeymoon.
He asked me if he could borrow $500.
I felt like helping him,
so I wrote him out a check.
We went to breakfast in the morning.
And that's the last I saw of him,
so help me God.
They never thought to tell
me where they were going.
And I never thought to ask.
No!
Don Vincenzo.
You know, Sicilians are great liars.
The best in the world.
I'm Sicilian.
My father was the world heavy
weight champion of Sicilian liars.
From growing up with him,
I learned the pantomime.
There are 17 different things a guy can
do when he lies to give himself away.
A guy's got 17 pantomimes. A woman's got 20.
A guy's got 17. But if you know
them like you know your own face,
they'd beat lie detectors all to hell.
Now, what we got here is a
little game of show-and-tell.
You don't wanna show me nothing,
but you're telling me everything.
I know you know where
they are, so... tell me...
before I do some damage
you won't walk away from.
Could I have one of those Chesterfields now?
Sure.
You got a... match? No. Wait. No, no.
Don't bother. I got one.
- You're Sicilian, huh?
- Yeah. Sicilian.
You know...
I read a lot,
especially about things-- about history.
I find that shit fascinating.
Here's a fact I don't know
whether you know or not.
Sicilians were spawned by niggers.
Come again?
No, it's-- it's a fact.
Yeah. You see, uh,
Sicilians have, uh,
black blood pumping through their hearts.
If you-- If you don't believe
me, uh, you can look it up.
Hundreds and hundreds of
years ago, uh, you see, um,
the Moors conquered Sicily.
And the Moors are niggers.
You see, way back then, uh,
Sicilians were like, uh,
wops from northern Italy.
They all had blond hair and blue eyes.
But, uh, well--
then the Moors moved in there, and...
well, they changed the whole country.
They did so much fucking
with Sicilian women...
that they changed the
whole bloodline forever.
That's why...
blond hair and blue eyes
became black hair and dark skin.
You know, it's absolutely amazing to me...
to think that to this day,
hundreds of years later,
that-- that Sicilians...
still carry that nigger gene.
Now, this--
No, I'm quoting history.
It's written. It's a fact. It's written.
- I love this guy.
- No.
Your ancestors are niggers. Huh?
Hey.
Yeah.
And-- And your
great-great-great-great- grandmother
fucked a nigger.
Yeah. And she had a half-nigger kid.
Now, if that's a fact, tell me,
am I lying?
'Cause you--
you're part eggplant.
Huh? Hey, hey, hey.
You're a cantaloupe.
That's beautiful.
I haven't killed anybody...
since 1984.
Go to this comedian's son's apartment.
Come back with something that
tells me where that asshole went...
so I can wipe this egg off my face.
Fix this fucked-up family for good.
Hey, boss.
Get ready to be happy.
Morning, everybody.
It's 6:22 here in L.A.
I'm David Perry at K.B.L.U.
Hello? Hi.
Floyd.
Floyd. Can't you answer
the door at least for me?
Oh, man, I didn't even hear it.
Hello?
- You can't help me out every now and then?
- Hi.
Yes.
You call for a date?
- Hey!
- I knew it was you! How you doing?
- Dick, this is Alabama. Alabama, this is Dick.
- Nice to meet you.
- How long have you been living here?
- Hi. I'm Alabama.
- Clarence, you look good.
- This is a great place. This is nice.
I'm starving. Let's get
something to eat. Who's this?
- It's Floyd.
- Floyd. Let's go.
Okay, Floyd, watch yourself. Be careful.
Hey.
Hey, I didn't tell you guys yet?
I had this really, really good
audition for TJ Hooker the other day.
- You're gonna be on TJ Hooker?
- Yeah. It's the new TJ Hooker.
- Knock on wood.
- You get to meet Captain Kirk?
Well, you don't get to
meet him in the audition.
But if I get the part-- Hope, hope.
- That would be amazing.
- It would be cool. It would be a real--
Meeting Captain Kirk, that would be cool.
Here we are.
The honeymoon suite.
You're really in love, aren't you?
Very first time in my life.
You know what that's like?
No.
- Nah.
- Shut the fuck up. Hey.
What are you doing in L.A. anyway, huh?
Holy Mary, Mother of God.
This shit can't be real.
- It'll get you high.
- What?
- I said, it'll get you high.
- Hey, we got cable.
- You want some wine, sweetheart?
- Yeah, just a little bit.
I'm not much of a wine gal.
This stuff is fucking real.
This is fucking real, Clarence.
- I certainly hope so.
- You've got a hell of a lot of cocaine here, man.
- I know.
- Do you realize how much fucking coke you have here?
No. Tell me.
I don't know, but it's a fucking lot.
This is-- This is Drexl's coke?
No, Drexl's dead, you
see. It's Clarence's coke.
And Clarence, he can do
whatever he wants with it.
What Clarence wants to do is to sell it.
Then me and 'Bama, we're gonna jump a jet plane
and spend the rest of our lives spending it.
You got my letter? You
lined up buyers for me?
- Listen, Clarence, I'm not Joe Cocaine, okay?
- You're an actor.
I hear these Hollywood guys get it
delivered to the set all the time.
Well, they do, all right? They do.
And maybe one day, when I start being a
successful actor, I'll be like one of those guys.
But until that day, I ain't got nothing.
I don't have a pot to piss in or a window
to throw it out. All I got is fucking Floyd.
If you want me to help you sell a little
bit at a time, that's all I can do.
No, no. None of that
little-bit-at-a-time shit.
It's got to be the whole enchilada in one
shot, and that's the way it's gotta be.
Clarence, do you have any idea
how difficult that's gonna be?
What the fuck are you talking about?
I'm offering half a million dollars' worth
of white for 200 grand. That's difficult?
Very difficult. That's very
difficult, do you understand?
It's difficult because you're
selling to a particular group.
Fat cats. Big shots. Guys
who can afford $200,000.
And guys who can use a whole
fucking suitcase full of cocaine.
Basically, Clarence, guys I don't know.
And guys you don't know. And more
importantly, they don't know you.
Come on, Dick.
Okay, Clarence. Listen.
There's one guy that I know
that can help you out, Clarence,
but... I'm not guaranteeing you anything.
Is he big league?
No. He's not big league. Okay?
But he works as an assistant to a very
big movie producer named Lee Donowitz.
Lee Donowitz could afford and can use...
$200,000 worth of coke,
- being that that's what you have.
- So what did you tell him?
What the fuck you expect
me to tell him, huh?
I didn't know what the hell
was bullshit and what wasn't.
And besides, Floyd smoked the
What's this acting class guy's name?
Elliot.
Elliot what?
Elliot Blitzer.
Okay, we'll get him on the phone
and we'll arrange a meeting...
so we can get through all
this getting-to-know-you stuff.
- Where?
- Where should we meet?
- Roller coaster.
- Roller coasters.
So, you got, uh--you got
$500,000 worth of cola...
that you're unloading for $200,000.
- You want an animal cracker?
- Um, thanks.
Wait. Save the gorillas.
Thanks.
That's all right. Anyway, thanks.
So, you got--you got
$500,000 worth of cola...
that you're unloading for $200,000.
"Unloading." That is a hell of a way
to describe the bargain of a lifetime.
Where did you get it?
Where did I get it?
I, uh-- I grow it on my windowsill.
See, the light's really good up there.
I'm up high enough off the street...
so you can't see it.
- It works perfectly.
- Yeah.
Where, really-- where
does it come from?
- Where does it come from? Coca leaves.
- Yeah.
- You know what? I'm out of here.
- Elliot, chill out.
Sit down here. All right? We're both here.
We might as well enjoy the ride. I'll
tell you, okay? But keep it quiet.
If Dick didn't ensure me you're good people,
I'd just tell ya, "None of your fucking business."
- Okay, okay, okay.
- This is gonna be fun.
Let's go!
The truth of the matter is,
I got a friend in the department.
What department?
"What department?" What
do you think, 8 ball?
- The police department?
- Give the man a prize!
About a year and a half ago, this friend
of mine got access to the evidence room,
and he snagged this coke, but he's
a good cop with a wife and a kid.
So he held on to it for
about a year and a half,
- until he found a guy he could trust.
- And he trusts you?
Yeah. We were in 4-H together. We've known
each other since childhood. I'm handling sales.
He's my silent partner. He knows if I
get fucked up, I won't drop dime on him.
Okay? Now, no further, you understand?
He's kind of paranoid. I didn't tell
you nothing. You didn't hear nothing.
I didn't hear nothing!
Here we go!
Ride it out, baby!
Yeah!
We're going in for another
one! Hang on, Elliot! Whoo!
Oh, yeah, we got this
puppy. This was a good idea.
Elliot looks a little green.
Elliot, do I look like a
beautiful blond with big tits...
and an ass that tastes like
French vanilla ice cream?
What?
Do I look like a beautiful
blond with big tits...
and an ass that tastes like
French vanilla ice cream?
No.
No. Okay, then why are you
telling me all this bullshit, huh?
- What, you wanna fuck me?
- Clarence.
- He's sick.
- Let me handle this, all right?
Look. You know what? Just get it straight.
Lee is not into taking risks, okay?
He's got a couple of guys. He's
been dealing with them for years.
They're reliable, they're
dependable, and they're safe.
Riddle me this, Batman.
If you're all so much in love with each other,
what the hell are you doing here?
I'm sure you got better
things to do with your time...
than hang around upside down
on a roller coaster all day.
Your guy is interested because with
that much shit at his fingertips,
he could play Joe-fucking-Hollywood
until the wheels come off.
He can sell it. He can snort it.
He can play Santa Claus with
it as far as I'm concerned.
At the price he's paying, he's gonna be
able to afford to just throw it around.
He's gonna be everybody's
best friend, all right?
I mean, I'm not putting him down here.
It's his money. Let him do
whatever the hell he wants.
But don't expect me and my
friends to hang around forever,
waiting for you guys to grow some guts.
- Yeah, hello?
- Hi, Lee.
Elliot, it's Sunday. Can you tell
me why I'm talking to you on Sunday?
I don't see enough of you all week,
I gotta talk to you on Sunday too?
I'm with that party that you
wanted me to get together with, Lee.
- You know who I'm talking about?
- I don't believe this.
Elliot, why the hell are you
talking to me on my phone about that?
Well, because I'm standing--
I'm standing with the guy,
and he insists on talking to you.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
He said that if I didn't get
you on the phone, he would--
Hello, Lee. It's Clarence. At last we speak.
First of all, Lee,
I'm a really big fan of yours.
That's why I wanna open Dr.Zhivago in L.A.
And I need you and your
abilities to distribute it.
Uh, Clarence. Uh--
I don't know, Clarence.
Dr.Zhivago is a pretty big movie.
The biggest movie you've
ever dealt with, Lee.
We're talking a lot of film here.
A man would have to be an idiot not to be a
little bit cautious about a movie like that.
And, Lee, you are no idiot.
No, no. I'm not saying I'm
not interested, Clarence.
Being a distributor is not what I'm all
about. I'm a movie producer, you know?
I am on this earth to make good movies.
Nothing more and nothing--
well, maybe less sometimes.
Hey!
Choose a fucking lane!
No, not you. Just some idiot--
Don't give me the finger!
I'll fucking have you killed!
The bottom line is, I am not Paramount.
You know what I'm saying?
I got a select few distributors I deal with.
I buy their little movies, and I
accomplish what I wanna accomplish...
and get the fuck out of there.
Very businesslike, very easy
and very little risk, Clarence.
Lee, we're talking Dr.Zhivago. This will
be packing 'em in for a year and a half.
you're not gonna have to deal...
with anybody else's movie but mine.
Nobody's but yours. Well,
what is the rush here?
I just wanna be able to
announce this deal at Cannes.
If I had time for a courtship, Lee, I would.
I'd take ya out, hold your hand, kiss your cheek.
But I'm not in that position.
I need to know right now if you
and I are in bed together or not.
If you want my movie, you're gonna have
to come to terms with your fear and desire.
Uh-huh. Fear and desire, huh, Clarence?
Don't you know that my films have
grossed more than 2.8 billion, Clarence?
- Let me talk to Elliot. Let me talk to Elliot.
- You wanna talk to Elliot?
Elliot, he wants to talk to you.
- Hi, Lee.
- Elliot, where do you know this guy from?
He's, uh-- He's a friend of Dick's, remember?
Who the fuck is Dick?
You-- You--
You want me to... suck his dick?
- No. Who the fuck is Dick?
- Oh, who the fuck is Dick?
- Yeah.
- Dick is my friend. He's in my acting class.
- You told him I'm an actor?
- Is he any good? Is he talented?
Really? How does Dick know this guy?
- Tell him--
- They--They grew up together.
Okay, uh, Wednesday at the hotel, 3:00.
Bring the whole fucking cast, all right?
Elliot, don't call me here anymore,
especially not on Sunday, all right?
- What did he say?
- Just hold on a second.
- Did you tell him--
- Shut up for a second. Hey, you guys.
This is what's gonna happen.
wants to see everybody. Okay?
And he'll talk to you. If after
talking to you he likes you,
wants to deal with you, he'll deal with you.
If he doesn't, he'll say fuck you,
and he'll walk out of the room.
- Did you tell him--
- Shut up for a second.
And he wants a sample bag.
- No problem on all counts.
- Great.
Did you tell him I was an actor?
- Yes, I told him.
- You told him I was good?
Yeah, I lied.
- Hi.
- How you doing?
- Oh, pretty good.
- You Dick? Dick Ritchie?
No. No, he's not here right now.
- You live here?
- Yes, I do.
You're sort of, uh, roommates?
Exactly roommates.
Maybe you can help me. I'm
looking for a friend of mine.
- Sure.
- Clarence Worley from Detroit?
- He's traveling with a real pretty girl named Alabama?
- Oh, yeah, man, I know 'em.
- They've been by here.
- You've seen 'em?
- Mm-hmm.
- They staying here?
No, they're staying at the...
Safari Motor-- Motel Inn.
- Safari Motel.
- Safari Motel?
Yeah.
How do you know that?
Have you been over there?
No. They were here,
and they said that they
were going to go there.
Then they went.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Safari-- Safari Motel.
Safari Motel.
Hey, you wanna watch some
TV? They might be back here.
- No. No, thank you. Thank you, though.
- Okay.
- You take care. I might be back.
- Yeah.
Good. Be cool.
Don't condescend to me, man.
I'll fucking kill you, man.
I'm so proud of you. Did I do my part okay?
- Alabama, you were perfect.
- Like a ninja?
Like a ninja. I'm gonna go
grab us something to eat.
I'm gonna go jump in the tub and
get all wet and slippery and soapy...
and hop in that water bed
and watch X-rated movies...
till you get your ass
back in my lovin' arms.
Hurry back now.
We now return to Bullitt,
already in progress.
You give your love
So sweetly
Hi.
Hi!
Hi.
- Cigarette?
- No.
That's a very nice outfit.
Oh. This?
I got this in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Alabama, where's our coke,
and, uh, where's Clarence?
When's he coming back?
I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong room.
My name is Sadie.
We don't have any Coke, but there's
a Pepsi machine down the hall.
I don't know anybody named Clarence,
but perhaps my husband does.
You can ask him,
'cause he'll be home in a minute.
He plays football.
He's just at practice.
- Give me your hand.
- Okay.
You are unbelievably cute.
Thank you. Thanks.
Let me see those eyes.
What a face.
Do me a favor. Turn around for me.
Okay.
No, go the other way.
Okay.
Ooh. That hurts, don't it?
Get on your feet, sweetie.
You ain't hurt that bad.
Now, where's our coke? Where's Clarence?
And when's he coming back?
Okay. Okay.
Fuck you.
Fuck me.
What's the matter, baby, huh?
Can't breathe?
You better get used to that.
- Mmm. Smells like hamburgers in here.
- Hi.
Tell me, what is the biggest,
fattest hamburger you guys got?
That would be Steve's
double chili cheeseburger.
Give me 2 of them bad boys, 2 chili fries
- and, uh, 2 large Diet Cokes.
- Anything else?
Come here. Look at yourself!
Look! Take a good look!
You think your boyfriend would go for this
shit? If you do, you're fucking stupid.
You're a very pretty girl, but you
ain't gonna be very pretty for very long.
I'm gonna ask you a fucking question,
and you give me the right fucking answer!
Now,
where's my coke?
Turn around. Turn around.
Answer me!
Come on.
You got a lot of heart, kid.
Now, that is a great issue.
You gotten to the story on Elvis yet?
No, I hadn't.
That is probably the single best piece
I have ever read on Elvis Presley...
in my entire life.
Look. It tries to pin down what the
attraction is after all these years.
It covers the whole spectrum.
Talks to the fans, people who grew up
with him, people who love his music.
Then there's the fanatics. Right?
I don't know about you,
but they give me the creeps.
- Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean.
- I mean, look at her.
It looks like she fell off the ugly tree
and hit every branch on the way down.
Now, the first time you kill
somebody, that's the hardest.
I don't give a shit if you're
fucking wired up or Jack the Ripper.
Remember that guy in Texas? The guy in
that fucking tower, killed all them people?
I bet you green money, that first
little black dot he took a bead on,
that was the bitch of the bunch.
The 2nd one ain't no
fucking Mardi Gras either,
but it's better than the 1st, 'cause you
still feel the same thing, except it's diluted.
You know, it's-- it's better.
I threw up on the 1st one. You believe that?
Then the 3rd one--
The 3rd one is easy. You level right off.
That's no problem. Now--
Shit.
Now I do it just to watch
their fucking expression change.
I don't fucking believe it.
Did you put it under the bed?
I can't believe it. You put
it under the fucking bed.
I didn't look under the fucking bed.
I can't believe you put
it under the fuckin' bed,
and I can't believe I didn't
look under the fuckin' bed.
I'm gettin' fuckin' old.
Journey's end, baby.
Snow at the end of the rainbow.
One less thing I gotta fuckin' worry about.
This is it, baby.
Moment of truth.
You got a lot of heart, kid. You know that?
Wanna play?
Is that what you want?
You wanna play with Daddy?
Come on. Come on. I'll give
you one shot 'cause I like you.
Stick it in me, baby.
Come on. Stick it in Daddy.
Stick it in me. Go ahead.
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Motherfucker!
- All right. No more Mr. Fuckin' Nice Guy.
- Oh, God.
What do you think of that, baby?
What do you think about that?
What do you think about that?
Wait! Wait!
What?
- Hey, what the fuck are you laughing at?
- You look ridiculous!
Come here! I look fuckin'
ridiculous? Get up! Laugh it up!
Come on, laugh it up! You were
in hysterics a minute ago! Laugh!
- You like that, don't you?
- Fuck you!
Shit! Fuck!
Fuck! Come on. We gotta
go. Baby, we gotta go.
Jesus Christ!
Come on, darlin'. We gotta
get the fuck out of here.
Come on.
Come on. The cops are gonna
be here any fuckin' second.
Fuck!
Fuck! Come on.
Fuck. Come on. I'm sorry.
Fuck! Fuck!
I'm sorry. Oh, fuck!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Get the fuck out of the way!
Those eyes, those thighs They're part
Oh, fuck!
- Fuck!
- What?
I don't fuckin' believe this!
Goddamn it! I fucking knew it!
I should have my goddamn head
examined for driving like this.
Look, Carla-- Kandi,
you've gotta help me.
- What can I do?
- Take this. Hold this.
- What, are you high? No.
- Fucking put this in your purse.
- I'm not gonna put that shit in my purse.
- He's not gonna search you.
You didn't do anything.
Just put it in your bra.
- I'm not wearing one.
- Please! He's almost here! Just put it in your pants!
- No.
- You are the one that wanted to drive fast.
Read my lips. No!
- After all I did for you, you fucking whore.
- Asshole.
Who the fuck do you think you're--
Hi.
Look, dick-head, it's your bad
luck that we caught you speeding,
and it's your bad luck that
you had a bag of uncut cocaine.
- Not a tiny little vial.
- A fuckin' baggy.
Hey, you got caught. It's all fun
and fuckin' games till you get caught.
But now we got you, okay, Mr. Elliot
Fuckin' Actor. You just made the big time.
- You're no longer an extra.
- Or a bit player.
- Or a supporting actor.
- You're a fuckin' star.
You're a fucking star, and you're gonna
be playing your one-man show nightly...
for the next 2 fuckin'
years for a captive audience!
Listen to this. You get out in
a few years, meet some old lady,
you'll get married, and you'll be so
understanding to your wife's needs...
because you'll know what
it feels like to be a woman.
You'll only want to fuck her in the ass because
that pussy won't be tight enough anymore.
Good point, Detective.
Right? Fuckin' faggot.
Krinkle, this is it. We
got it, and it's all ours.
- You talk about fallin' into something.
- We got it.
Will both you idiots shut
up? I can't understand shit.
What happened? What are you talking about?
Okay. A patrol car pulls a guy over for
speedin', right? Suspect's covered with coke.
They bring the suspect to me and
Nicholson, and we go to work on him.
- "Nicholson and I."
- What's the fuckin' difference?
So we go to work on the guy, and we
know something's rotten in Denmark,
'cause this guy's fuckin' stupid, and
he's got a big bag of coke and it's uncut.
And you ain't gonna fuckin'
believe what he's got to say.
Seems a cop from some department--
we don't know which one--
stole a half a million dollars
of coke from the property cage.
Had been sittin' on the
shit for a year and a half.
- The cops got this weirdo who's a front for him.
- Suspect's words.
Our guy, Elliot Blitzer, he's making
a deal between them and his boss,
a big-time fuckin' movie
producer named Lee Donowitz.
He did the movie Coming Home in a Body Bag.
- A Vietnam movie? Good fuckin' movie.
- Yeah.
- Fuckin' "A."
- Great fuckin' movie.
- So, you believe him?
- I believe he believes him.
This guy's too fuckin' rattled
to be lyin'. He'd roll over...
on his mommy, daddy, 2-pantied granny and
the King of Siam if he had anything on them.
This guy was a sissy. This rabbit
will do anything not to do any time.
You know what he'll do? He'll wear a wire.
- He'll wear a wire?
- He'll wear a wire. We talked to him.
Dirty cops. We gotta get
Internal Affairs on this.
I don't give a shit who you bring in.
You can bring in the militia, L.A. Thunderbirds,
the ghost of Steve fuckin' McQueen,
I don't give a shit as long as me
and Todd get credit for the bust.
Listen, we found him. We
just want the fuckin' collar.
That's it. End of story.
- You got it.
- Fuckin' "A."
Have I ever told you how much I hate airports?
See, I used to live by one
back in Dearborn, you know?
Really frustrating living next to
an airport when you ain't got shit.
All day long I'm seeing
and hearing people...
doing exactly what I wanna
be doing but couldn't.
What?
Starting new lives, leaving Detroit.
Vacations, business trips.
Fun, fun, fun.
You all right?
You and me, we can jump on any one of those
planes out there and go anywhere we want.
It gives me a whole new
outlook. Love airports now.
Yeah, you ain't kiddin'. We
got our lives to start over.
We should go somewhere where we
can really start from scratch.
I've been in America all my life.
I've always wanted to see what
TV in other countries looks like.
Where do you think we should
go, my little turtle dove?
Cancun.
Cancun? Why Cancun?
It's got a nice ring to
it. It sounds like a movie.
Clarence and Alabama Go
to Cancun. Don't you think?
In my movie, darling, you get top billing.
Don't you worry about nothin', all right?
It's all gonna work out for us.
We deserve it.
Floyd, you're sure that's how
you get to the Beverly Ambassador?
Yeah, man, I'm positive.
- Yeah, well, if we get lost, that's your ass.
- Clarence--
- Why don't you get out of my beer and get a fuckin' job?
- Yeah, okay.
- Can we go?
- We're out the door.
I gotta meet Elliot in the
lobby. I don't want to be late.
I just want to make sure
we got everything. Let's go.
- Yes?
- I'm out. I'm out, Floyd.
- Are you here? No, he's not here.
- I'm out.
- Wait, wait. Let me get this.
- Come on!
- Okay, I-- Fuck!
- Hello?
Hi, Catherine. I was just walkin' out--
- What?
- Do you know what time it is?
Serious? She said that?
What'd she say? Come on.
- Yo, Catherine, thank you. Thank you.
- Ask him what time it is.
- You got the time?
- I'm gonna talk to you tomorrow.
- Hey, man, can you get me some food?
- All right.
Come on. We gotta go. Come on.
I got the part.
- Wow!
- I got the part!
- That's great, man.
- That's great. That's wonderful.
They didn't even want a callback.
I can't believe it. That's great.
That's so cool. Way to go.
- I got a 7:00 call.
- That's great.
Come on, let's go. I want to hear
all about it in the car, okay? Come on.
- Hey, Clarence.
- What?
Nothin'.
- Forget it.
- All right. Come on.
Come on!
Hey, get some-- get some beer...
and some--
and some cleaning products.
His legacy lives on.
That was Bob Henderson with a touchdown.
I'm losin' a fuckin' fortune over here.
You talkin' to me, you fuckin' wop, you?
Fuckin'--
You're okay.
- Put your jacket on.
- Put your jacket on.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Put your jacket on. One sleeve at a time.
It's a big game now, Elliot.
- It's okay. Come on. You all right?
- No.
Elliot, look at me.
Look at me. You comfortable?
Am I comfortable? I've got a,
like, you know, brick in... my scrotum.
That's the best place for it. If they pat you
down, they're not gonna search your balls.
- Okay. You think they might see this, perhaps?
- No, it's okay.
- When you stand up, it'll be okay. Elliot.
- Okay. Yeah.
Elliot, say something.
- Just--
- Okay. Hi. How are you?
My name's Elliot, and I'm
with the Cub Scouts of America.
We're selling uncut cocaine
to get to the jamboree.
- Just talk regular.
- Stop fuckin' around.
- I can't believe I'm doing this.
- You get that shit?
We're gonna be right down the hall,
monitoring you the whole time.
What happens if somebody
does something you can't hear,
like pulls out a gun and
puts it to my fucking eye?
We've done this a thousand times.
We know what we're doing,
okay? We're the best.
Now, listen. No fuckin' around.
Anything happens, we'll be in
there like fuckin' gangbusters.
You gotta remember something. You don't
wanna go to jail. Do you wanna go to jail?
No, I don't wanna go to jail.
So what do we gotta do? We gotta
put your boss in jail, okay?
And to do that,
we've got to show in court,
beyond a reasonable doubt, that this man,
a very respectable man in the Hollywood
community, is also dealing cocaine.
We've got to prove it in court,
and you've gotta do it.
That's what we're doing here.
Okay? You're gonna be okay.
You're not gonna get hurt.
So what you've gotta do--
you've gotta get him to admit...
on tape, all right?
That he's buyin' this coke. Okay, champ?
- Get ahold of yourself. You'll be okay.
- Okay.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
You really got that playin' basketball?
Yep, I got elbowed right in the eye.
Then, as it that's not enough, I got hurled
the ball right when I'm not lookin'. Wham!
- Right in my face.
- You should be careful.
I should.
Clarence, what the fuck
did you bring that for?
- In case.
- In case of what?
I don't know. What the
hell do you want me to say?
Look, Clarence, Lee Donowitz is not a pimp.
I know that. But one thing
this last week has taught me,
it's better to have a gun and not need
it than to need a gun and not have it.
Paging Mr.Sherek.
- Sherek.
- He's over at the bar.
There he is.
Elliot, your motivation
is to stay out of jail.
- Easy, easy, easy.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I guess it's about that time, huh?
Yeah.
Here we go.
You're an actor. Act, motherfucker.
- Elliot?
- Yeah?
- Get on your knees.
- Oh, no.
- What?
- I said, get on your fuckin' knees!
Shut the fuck up! I know
what the fuck I'm doin'.
- You think I'm pretty fuckin' stupid, don't you?
- No.
Don't you fuckin' lie
to me, you motherfucker!
He's bluffing you,
Elliot! Can't you see that?
I want to hear you say,
"Clarence, you are--"
Shut up! Say it, goddamn
it! I wanna hear you say it!
"Clarence, you are without a doubt,
the dumbest motherfucker I've ever seen!"
- Say it!
- Dumb fucker!
- Apparently, I'm not as dumb-- Shut up!
- He didn't do nothin'!
Apparently, I'm not as dumb as
you fuckin' think I am, am I?
- No.
- What the fuck is waiting for us up there?
- What the fuck's waiting for us?
- He's gonna shoot him.
Tell me, or I'm gonna pump
He's not gonna shoot him.
- Motherfuck--
- He's gonna shoot him.
Like Nick Curry used to say, if I'm wrong,
I swear to God I'll fucking apologize!
Something's amiss. I can feel it.
If anything out of the ordinary goes down,
you are gonna be the first one shot.
- He didn't do anything! What the fuck--
- Shut up!
I'm gonna blow this
motherfucker away. Fuck you!
I wish somebody would
just come and get me,
because I don't like this anymore!
Get ahold of yourself, you fuckin' sissy!
I really wish somebody would just come
and take me away! Just take me away!
Hang in there, will you? Goddamn it!
I can't take this! I'm sorry,
but I just can't! I wish somebody...
would just come to my rescue,
and everything would be all right!
Elliot? Elliot?
- What?
- I'm sorry, all right?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Friends?
I'm sorry.
- What's with this guy?
- Quit playing around.
I wasn't playing around.
I just had to be sure.
That's all. I'm sure now, okay?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
Oh, man!
I like this Clarence kid.
This fuckin' guy's crazy.
Yeah.
I got up feelin' so down
- Oh, man.
- I got off bein' sold out
- Are you Dick Ritchie?
- Uh, no.
- But the story's getting old now
- Do you know a Clarence Worley?
- Yes.
- Do you know where we can find him?
- Yes, I do. Oh.
- I just looked in the mirror
Well, where?
At the Beverly Ambassador.
- Where's that?
- Well,
you go--
No. Yeah. Go down--
Go down Beach--
You guys want to smoke a bowl or--
Oh. Go down Beachwood and drive a while,
and then you're gonna turn right, okay?
And then you go, and you keep drivin',
and you keep drivin'.
- Hello, Elliot.
- Monty.
Are these your friends?
Yeah. Yeah.
You could say that.
Everybody, this is Monty.
Hi. Come on in. Lee's in the
can. He'll be out in a quick.
Holy shit. Look at this.
Do you believe this?
- It's a helicopter.
- Sorry. Nothing personal.
Clarence.
There ain't gonna be a need to search me.
All you're gonna find is this right here.
What compelled you to bring that along?
I guess the same thing
that compelled you guys...
to bring heavy artillery
to a business meeting.
- I'll take that.
- Well, you're gonna have to.
Oh, hi.
Everybody's here. Elliot, who's who?
Uh, that's Dick on the end there.
Oh, that's Dick! Elliot
tells me you're quite gifted.
And, uh, Alabama in the middle.
- Hello.
- Clarence on the end.
- Lee, this guy is--
- Boris, please. I'm meeting people right now.
- Mr.Donowitz?
- Come on, Clarence. Don't insult me. Call me Lee.
- Lee?
- Boris, shut the fuck up.
Come on, everybody.
Don't be shy. Come on in.
Okay, uh, Lee.
- Lee.
- Lee.
- That's right, Lee.
- I gotta tell you, I really am a big fan.
Coming Home in a Body Bag is
my favorite movie of all time.
After Apocalypse Now, I think that
is the best Vietnam movie ever made.
- Wow. Thank you very much, Clarence.
- Lee.
- What?
- This guy's packin'.
Really?
Well, I've been pretty
scared about this whole thing.
But I'm fairly confident you're just here to
do business. I don't want to be a wise guy.
If you want, I'll take my
gun out, lay it on the table.
It's up to you.
Mm, no, I don't think that's
necessary. Boris, be nice.
Make everybody some coffee, okay?
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
Honey, sit down. Relax. Relax.
- Elliot, you look like shit.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, it's completely disgusting.
Um, I need to get a quick
signature. It would be great--
- Whatever Bonnie wants.
- Okay.
- Like my dailies there, Clar?
- Is that what these are? Yeah, they're great.
- You like 'em?
Better fuckin' be great.
They cost me enough.
- What'd that day cost me?
- $357,000.
Elliot, I swear to God,
somebody is stealing from me.
What's this one called anyway?
- It's a sequel to Body Bag.
- Really?
We don't have a title
yet. What does Joe like?
Uh, Body Bags II.
Ooh, that's imaginative. I've
got more taste in my penis.
This guy's really fuckin' funny.
You know, most of these movies that
win a lot of Oscars, I can't stand them.
They're all safe, geriatric
coffee-table dogshit.
We park our cars in the
same garage. It's all right.
All those assholes make are unwatchable
movies from unreadable books.
Mad Max, that's a movie. The Good,
the Bad and the Ugly, that's a movie.
Rio Bravo, that's a movie. And Coming Home
in a Body Bag, that was a fuckin' movie.
It was the only movie up to that time
that won a lot of Oscars with balls.
- I mean, since Deer Hunter.
- I don't believe you.
Do you like a little coffee
with your sugar, or what?
Lee, I'm not satisfied till
the spoon stands straight up.
Give me a coffee, will you?
My Uncle Roger and Uncle Jerry, both of whom
were in 'Nam, saw Coming Home in a Body Bag.
They said to me, Clarence, that is the most
accurate Vietnam film they'd ever seen.
When veterans in that bullshit
war say that about my project,
it makes the whole thing worthwhile.
Here's to you.
My friend-- I'm calling you my
friend. I just met you. You know why?
I think 'cause we got the same interests.
You know what I'd like to do right now?
I'd like to see Dr.Zhivago.
Where is it?
Is there a fucking doctor
in the house, or what?
Hang on a second. Lee, when you
see this, you are gonna shit.
- I better.
- Bingo.
- What's the guy's name?
- Donowitz.
When somebody loves you
It's no good unless you love them
Uh, Lee, that is all practically uncut.
If you so desire, you can
cut that a hell of a lot more.
Don't worry. I'll desire. Boris,
get me another cup of coffee, will you?
- Me too, Boris.
- I have to hand it to you, this is not nose garbage.
It's quality stuff.
Perfect merchandise.
The only trouble is, whenever I'm
offered a deal that's too good to be true,
it's because it's a lie.
Jesus, what's going on?
- Why don't you convince me you're on the level?
- Convince him.
If he don't bite, we ain't
got shit except possession.
Boris, we got all kinds of sandwich shit
back there. Make something for somebody.
We got lean pastrami, nice
rye. Anybody want anything?
- You got any aspirin?
- Yeah, sure. Get him that.
Well, uh, Lee, it's like this.
You're getting the bargain of a lifetime
because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
You're used to dealing with professionals,
and I'm not. I'm a rank amateur.
What the fuck's goin' on?
What the fuck's goin' on?
I can take that and sell it a little
bit at a time. Make a lot more money.
- What's going on, Joe?
- Elliot's too far away.
- This is the whole ball game. The game is set!
- He's too far away!
I'm not a drug dealer. I'm not
saying you're a drug dealer.
But you're a movie producer. You got access
to all kinds of money and shit like that.
Shit!
- Joe, you are fuckin' killing me. Joe--
- Wait, wait. Wait.
I cannot get a million for it, but you can.
All right? So I'll sell
it to you for 200,000.
You go make a million with it.
Shit, it's all found money
to me anyway, you know?
There he is.
Me- Me and my wife,
we're minimum-wage kids.
$200,000, that means the world to us.
Elliot tells me that you're
fronting for a dirty cop.
Uh, Elliot wasn't supposed
to tell you anything.
He's not a dirty cop. He's a good cop.
He saw his chance, and
he took it, that's all.
Why does he trust you?
Well, we grew up together, that's why.
Clarence, if you don't know shit,
then why does he think that you can sell it?
I bullshitted him.
You are nuts!
He's a wild man, this
kid Clarence. I like him.
- You're wild! I love you! I love this guy.
- Hey, Lee.
He bullshitted him. You
believe this kid? I love him.
Elliot, I love this kid.
Monty, get the money.
That's it, fellas. Let's
get these sons of bitches.
Now, wait, wait.
I forgot. Excuse me. What
is your part in this again?
- I'm his wife.
- Oh, you're the wife! Right.
Clarence, what, did you
beat her or something?
No, no. She got that playing basketball.
- What's the matter with you?
- I'm sorry.
- Why are you here?
- I'm an actor.
Dick, if you were just a fuckin' actor,
you never would've got in the room.
I'm-- I'm friends with Elliot.
He's your friend? You got problems.
All right, all right. It's
all right. And Elliot knows me.
- Elliot, here. Call Joe.
- Sorry.
Tell that cocksucker the
production manager reports...
that he's taking 30 cents of every
dollar and putting it in his own pocket.
Don't you want to count your money?
No, that's all right. She can count
it. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Give it to her.
Well, since my baby left me
I found a new place to dwell
It's down at the end of Lonely Street
The Heartbreak Hotel
- I gotta hand it to you, Clarence.
- I was cool?
Man, you were cooler than cool.
Oh, my God. I forgot my fuckin' vest.
- Stupid.
- Cody, on 3.
- Yeah.
- 1, 2, 3
Both of you, put the fucking
guns on the floor now!
Fuck you! All you pigs, put your
guns on the floor and back away.
- Are you fucking nuts? Just do what they say.
- This is your last chance!
Fuck you! This is your last chance!
We could kill all of you and you know it!
- Get down on the fucking floor!
- Boris, shut the fuck up.
- We're all gonna die here. These are cops.
- So? Who gives a shit?
Something I never told you
about me. I hate fucking cops!
Let's be nice, guys. Come on.
Let's be nice. We don't want to die.
We don't want any of you guys to die.
You look like a blond Frankenstein.
Now put your gun down!
- 211?
- Yeah, 211.
There you go, Mad Dog.
- Holy shit. Motherfucker.
- What the fuck is goin' on?
- Who are these guys? Put 'em down!
- Put your fuckin' guns down!
Put 'em down, motherfucker! Put 'em down!
Fuck you!
Put those fuckin' guns down!
How you really think
I'm doin' with Lee, huh?
- You kidding? He loves you.
- You don't think I'm kissing his ass or anything, do you?
You're telling him what he wants to hear.
That ain't the same thing as kissing his ass.
Yeah, I saw Coming Home in a Body Bag.
I loved it. I'm not lyin' to the guy.
No. That's why it ain't ass-kissin'.
What you're doin' is
genuine, and he knows it.
I like you, Clarence.
Always have. Always will.
Put 'em down! Put 'em down, motherfuckers!
Officer Dimes. Officer Dimes.
Put 'em down, motherfucker!
Put 'em down!
- Officer Dimes?
- What?
- Officer Dimes? Officer Dimes?
- What?
Um, this has nothing to
do with me anymore, right?
Okay? So I'm just gonna leave,
and you guys just settle
this by yourselves, all right?
Just shut up and stay the fuck put, Elliot.
How do you know his name?
Why the fuck did he know your name?
You little piece of shit!
You can forget about acting for the next
Take you fuckin' SAG card and burn it!
You little cocksucker!
I treated you like a son,
and you fuckin' stab me in the heart!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
Mother-- Watch it, motherfucker!
Cody!
Son of a--
Clarence!
Sweetie! Sweetie!
Baby!
Okay, you with the shotgun
behind the couch, come out!
Guy's a wop.
I said come out from behind the
couch, you fuckin' guinea, now!
I said-a come out from-a behind
the couch-o, okay? Capisce?
Nice and slow.
Shit! The guy hit me.
Son of a bitch shot me.
Sweetie!
Don't you die on me!
You're gonna be okay.
I need an ambulance!
I need an ambulance!
Fuck you!
I'll blow this bitch's brains
to kingdom come!
I need an ambulance!
Shut up!
Fuck you! I'm bleeding!
I'll call you a hearse.
This is for Cody.
Fuck you!
Honey, you're alive!
Honey!
I can't see.
Honey, you have blood in your eye.
Come on.
All right. Okay.
Fuck you!
I want a car to take me to the
airport and a plane full of gas!
And a million bucks!
Small bills! And--
Get outta my face, motherfucker!
Amid the chaos of that day,
when all I could hear was
the thunder of gunshots...
and all I could smell was
the violence in the air,
I look back and am amazed...
that my thoughts were
so clear and true--
that 3 words went through my mind endlessly,
repeating themselves like a broken record.
"You're so cool. You're so cool.
You're so cool."
And sometimes Clarence asks me what
I would have done if he had died,
if that bullet had been
To this, I always smile...
as if I'm not going to
satisfy him with a response.
But I always do.
I tell him of how I would want to die,
but that the anguish and the want of
death would fade like the stars at dawn...
and that things would be
much as they are now, perhaps.
Except maybe I wouldn't
have named our son...
Elvis.
No stars in the sky
The night seems so dark around you
You won't say a word
And wonder why no one's found you
Waiting for love
Praying for love again
Love's a heavy weight
Give it to me Don't hesitate
Love's a heavy thing
Too heavy for one heart
To bring me your love
Give me your love again
It's not your fault
One heart can never win
It takes 2 hearts
2 hearts just to hold love
2 hearts
2 hearts just to hold your love
Your love
And if your heart should ache
Remember me
And if your heart should break
2 hearts
2 hearts They can mend it
Heartache
Heartaches can be mended by love
By love
Love's a heavy weight
Give it to me Don't hesitate
Love's a heavy thing
Too heavy for one heart
To bring me your love
Give me your love again
It's not too late
One heart can never win
It takes 2 hearts
2 hearts just to hold love
2 hearts
2 hearts just to hold your love
Your love