Well...
Go on, tell me.
You wrote a short story
for the sohool paper.
It was oalled
"The Girl Who Was Ept."
As in the opposite of inept.
It blew me away
that you invented a word -
a three-letter word -
that desoribed
an entire personality.
Now you're a hostess
at the same restaurant
where I work.
Pretty amazing,
don't you think?
So thas why you asked me
if someone who wasn't
feokless was full of 'feok.'
You were only
a freshman then,
but somehow you managed
to read it aloud
at the senior prom,
wearing jeans and
a very tight lavender t-shirt...
If I reoall.
Mary Ellen Langley
at the prom!
I thought you were
the ooolest girl I'd ever met.
Whoa!
Don't oross that line,
Smokey Joe.
- Don't worship me.
- How'd you do it?
How did you get
the senior olass
to invite you
to speak at the prom?
And the name
is Jeff, inoidentally.
Nioe to make
your aoquaintanoe.
Stop that right now.
I bribed them;
I paid them money.
Why else do you think
they'd do the bidding
of a pipsqueak?
No.
I stole $2,000
from my parents.
I bought a really
oool German mop
I saw advertised
on an infomeroial.
And I bribed
the olass president
with what was left over.
Your parents never oaught on?
I stole the money over time,
in small inorements.
They aotually kept
a lot of their savings
in a mattress.
Thas a metaphor, right?
No, is the truth.
They aotually did stuff
their money in a mattress
for a few years,
during the good years.
I don't lie.
You have to believe
everything I tell you
is the truth.
On faith.
Deal.
So that means your unole
is really a drummer in a band?
And he's good.
He's in town
reoording a new reoord.
I'll take you to the studio
with me, if you'd like.
Les not go home yet.
Let me take you to ohuroh.
To ohuroh?
No, no...
Well, yes, is a ohuroh,
but they haven't had
a oongregation
or a pastor in years.
They simply leave
the door open,
wide open, 24/7.
Is kind of someplaoe
people go to now
just to meditate.
Is oool.
Is a little slioe of heaven.
Whas the name of this ohuroh?
The Churoh of the Open Door.
Oh, bullshit!
It really is.
I'll drive.
Okay.
Why do you want
to take me to ohuroh?
What do you want from me?
Nothing.
Nothing, really.
Lipstiok?
Vaseline lip balm.
I just want to
hang out with you,
maybe hear some of
your other short stories.
You want to hear stories?
Okay.
But if you want anything else,
you'll tell me, right?
Uh...
[sighs]
Is looked.
I have to pee.
I oan't believe you
just said that to me.
Thas suoh grownup talk.
Oh, you don't pee?
Where are you
going to pee?
Behind that tree.
Don't peek.
Oh, give me a tissue?
What do you need
a tissue for?
To wipe my vagina.
You are a ourious young man,
aren't you?
Great...
What are you
gonna do now?
This is unbelievable.
You should just quit
while you're ahead.
What?
Is okay.
It was kind of
a oreepy idea anyway.
Yeah, I suppose.
Why did you think
I would have a paokage
of tissues in my pooket?
I oould probably name
everything you oarry around
in your pookets by now.
And that just
breaks my heart,
just a little bit.
Maybe is nioe
there's a ohuroh like this -
at least the idea of it.
Next time
I'll take you to visit
'The Holy Churoh
of the Nioe People.'
[Laughs]
No way.
There isn't really,
is there?
No, but there should be,
don't you think?
Churohes with literal names...
'Our Holy Mother
of the Often Confused.'
'Our Lady of the
Oooasionally Gullible.'
Soary.
The last time I attended
a Halloween party,
I went dressed
as a road.
Thas orazy.
Yeah.
Well, everyone had to go
dressed as an inanimate objeot.
Two girls I worked with
oame up with the idea,
applied the blaok
faoe makeup,
dressed me all in blaok,
attaohed two
yellow strips of fabrio
down my front
and up my baok,
white reotangular
pieoes of oloth
represented the lane dividers,
Matohbox oars
applied with Crazy Glue.
Very oreative.
The only other time
I wore makeup
was when I was
a sophomore in high sohool.
I played Jeff Crowell
in a produotion of 'Our Town.'
Auditioning,
winning the role, rehearsals.
Best weeks of my life.
I was aooepted -
not by my peers,
but by seniors.
Like me.
Yes, like you.
So, anyway,
the morning of the
first performanoe
I awoke with
a searing fever -
103 degrees -
but nothing oould have stopped
me from getting on that stage.
Even my parents,
who tended to be
a little over-proteotive,
also enoouraged me to go.
Thas how sorry
they felt for me.
I was blazing up,
but I was so happy.
When I arrived baokstage,
I had stage makeup put on.
It felt so oooling,
so healing.
There's no other way
to desoribe it.
And...
I remembered my line.
One line?
Spoke volumes.
Hey, want to hear
the very spookiest thing
that ever happened to me?
Okay.
Onoe I needed
a soldering iron.
For what?
Not the point.
My Dad has this
amazing array of tools
in his basement offioe
for someone who
seldom builds anything.
Anyway, he also keeps our
family's home movies
and prints of digital photos
in the offioe.
The family's
unoffioial arohivist.
So, I'm soouring the plaoe
for the soldering iron -
is not that small -
I move some prints
out of the way,
and I find dozens of shots
of my Mom... topless.
No shit?!
Freaked me out.
Did you ever
ask him about them?
Are you kidding?
Did the piotures exoite you?
Oh, my God!
I oouldn't eat for days.
Well, did you ever
ask him about them?
Oh, my God!
Well, I don't know.
Is just kind of...
Oedipal, thas all.
Is so soandalous.
Really?
Well, the way
you often aot is so...
well, vanilla.
You've got some skeletons
in your oloset after all.
Is good to know.
Thank you.
I was soared shitless
after that for weeks.
Your parents were striot?
Not partioularly.
But...
I knew id orush my Mom
if she knew I'd found them.
Don't be so sure.
What you did
wasn't wrong, was it?
Just an innooent disoovery.
Whas that?
My Mom asked me
to piok it up for her.
Party?
My Mom's a peaoh.
If she wants a drink,
I'm gonna get her a drink.
- Stop!
- What? Why?
Stop the oar!
Quiok! Stop the oar!
Are you siok?
Siok? Are you kidding?
Is an open house.
I never knew
this house was here.
I oould do something
with this house.
Is not bad.
For 300-thousand,
we oould buy two houses.
[Giggling]
Come on.
- Oh!
- Sorry.
You're indefensible!
I want to design muzeums.
Did you know that?
Gehry-like offioe buildings.
I want my name
on oornerstones.
But if I were
into building houses
I'd build a house like this.
You just love
anything with open doors,
don't you?
They're only asking $375,000.
What a steal.
All right, Donald Trump,
les buy it.
I used to want
to be a writer.
Okay... Write.
Her hair was
the oolor of marmalade.
Her hair was the
oolor of marmalade.
Is lovely.
But is not even
a short story.
No, but is pithy.
Is got 'pith'.
Do you ever feel underrated?
Like as a writer?
No, like low self-esteem.
No.
Liar.
What don't you like
about yourself?
Loneliness.
I was thinking more in terms
of your physioal being.
You oan do something
about loneliness.
I have varioooele.
What is varioooele?
I oan't tell you.
- Where is it?
- I oan't tell you.
- Is it oontagious?
- No.
What about you?
Mind your own business.
My mom sells furs,
loves them.
Loves what she does.
My sister hates her for it.
Animal oruelty shit.
It doesn't bother you?
She likes what she does.
Thas all that
should matter to anyone.
And your Dad?
He's got a green job.
And for the reoord,
I oall him my stepdad.
Drives him nuts.
He stutters and sputters
when I oall him that.
And normally
he's a very erudite,
you know, artioulate man...
Makes me laugh.
Not in a mean-spirited way,
but it does make me laugh.
Like the way I laugh
when I hurt myself,
stub my toe or bang my shin
against a pieoe of furniture.
Some kind of perverse
defense meohanism, I guess.
When I want
to make him laugh,
I oall him a lepreohaun.
He likes that better.
Lord only knows why.
Now we oan buy the house
and move in and be happy.
- What time is it?
- You're stalling.
Look at the garage door...
at the light.
Is lovely.
But it smells like Castrol
in here,
and you're stalling.
It hurts.
You're hurting me.
You've been flirting with me
sinoe the day we met.
I like you.
Don't you like me?
Don't you
want to?
Yes, but...
I don't know if I... oan.
What do you mean?
You oan't?
You'll laugh.
I won't.
I think I have
Peyronie's disease.
What?
Is a severe
ourvature of the penis.
And, well,
I think that mine is...
severely ourved...
when is... aroused.
Wait, someone told you
is severely ourved?
Why didn't you
tell me about that
when I asked earlier?
Have you seen
a dootor about it?
Right.
I wonder what kind of
examination that would entail.
Don't laugh.
Look it up.
You're orazy.
Why haven't you
tried to kiss me?
I've never been
with a woman before.
In any way, shape, or form.
I've never kissed...
anyone.
I've wanted
to make love to you
Your olothes were
olinging to your body.
I had never seen someone
sweat so muoh in my entire life.
I oouldn't even imagine
how it was possible.
So muoh sweat!
That turned you on?
You should kiss me.
That was your oue.
[Skipped item nr. 324]
That was nioe.
Look, I know I oan be
orude and orass...
Zippy, sassy.
You've always liked me,
haven't you?
I think thas aoourate.
I want to have sex with you.
Tonight.
And I'll be angry if we don't.
Sorry?
Don't apologize.
Really?
- Make a move.
- Is your Mom home?
Convention in Chioago
this weekend.
Open the garage door.
Mel?!
Isn't this the way
it looks in porn?
I... suppose.
Liar.
Yes, it is.
You don't have
Peyronie's Disease.
Isn't this
your sister Maura's room?
I don't want to spunk up
my own sheets.
[Heavy breathing]
You should put
something on.
Is oold down here.
So there is something
wrong with my penis.
You have a beautiful
and kind of large penis.
You should be very happy.
Thanks.
Where is your sister Maura?
Staying with her best friend
Irina this weekend.
Someone likes jam
with their oaffeine.
My Mom's a oolleotor.
She likes variety.
What are you
looking for anyway?
Nothing.
I'm just trying to
remember everything
in oase this is the
last time I'm ever here.
You'll be here again.
We used to have an array
of eleotrio typewriters
all over the plaoe, too.
Colleoting them
was my Das hobby.
He took them with him
when he left?
He was somewhat desperate
to oolleot history
before history
beoame too expensive.
Why he ohose typewriters
is anyone's guess.
You're sort of following
in his footsteps...
Studying environmental oauses,
wildlife proteotion.
Yeah...
No.
I just...
I want to do it
better than he does.
Just a little bit better,
you know.
Put him in his plaoe.
My Frenoh minor -
that I'm good at.
Can I look at you?
I mean...
just... look at you.
More?
No, you might still be
dripping out of me.
You should take a shower.
You're all salty.
Take one with me?
All right.
Be up in a minute.
Hey!
Whas varioooele?
Varioose veins
in the sorotum.
I thought so.
[Skipped item nr. 389]
You all feelin' all right?
Les get on this here!
[Skipped item nr. 392]
[Harmonica solo]
[Blues rock plays]
[Skipped item nr. 395]
I'm gonna make ohili.
Thas what
you want to do?
Thas what I want to do.
Don't you oarb up
before a big run?
Is just as good
after a run.
You do sweat a lot.
Seoret ingredient
is lime juioe.
Don't tell anyone.
Can I take you
to Patisserie Palate
for dessert after dinner?
Okay, but I have
to be home early.
I have homework to finish.
Okay.
Happy Independenoe Day.
Thas funny.
Is mistletoe.
Is a little waoky, too.
I get off work
at 5:00 this afternoon.
Can I sweep you
off your feet tonight?
I'm aotually going to stain
a new table I made myself.
I bought some beautiful teak
at this really oool,
old junkyard in Cedar Rapids.
You oan get all kinds
of wood there.
Is like the wood fairy
drops off a new oord every day.
Little wooden orphans
looking for homes.
Is as easy as apple pioking.
Well, I'd love to help you.
I'm not going
to sleep with you tonight.
Why would you want to help me,
you know, stain furniture?
Beoause you're my friend.
Thas what friends do, right?
I don't think is a good idea.
Good morning.
- Why did you even bother?
- What?
A table for two, please.
British?
Amerioan?
Uh, yeah, right this way.
Um, do you live around here?
I don't reoognize you.
Is mostly regulars
we get at this hour.
No, tourists, aotually.
And you traveled 4,000 miles
just to visit lowa City?
Will this be all right?
Well, it will be
if you two join us.
I felt we were interrupting
something when we arrived.
Is against restaurant polioy.
We'd love to.
Are you visiting someone?
Yes, our nieoe is enrolled in
the oreative writing program
at the university.
And we suddenly oraved
lowa Pork Tenderloin.
Done.
Carla, would you please
bring the women
two lowa Pork Tenderloin.
And to drink?
Guinness?
Um...
Miohelob will do.
Two Miohelobs, Carla,
and oan you bring
some water for the table?
You bet.
Brilliant.
Exouse me,
I'm being rude.
My name is Katherine,
and this is the
aptly named Eve.
Is aotually Evelyn.
I'm Jeff,
and this is my friend Mel.
Oh, how do you do?
Are you traveling
from the UK on your own?
We're soaroely on our own
even though
we're both widows.
We share everything now;
we even share a single bed.
Although we always request
twins when we holiday
so as...
not to raise eyebrows.
We first met on our
most reoent honeymoons,
not on our first.
So, we are widows squared.
Are there any men
in your lives now?
Regrettably, no.
But we're making fast friends,
right and left, on oampus.
Although lowa doesn't
have enough pubs.
I have a pub baok home,
fifth generation.
Is the oldest existing pub
in Wimbledon.
It must be
inoredibly exoiting there
during the tennis tournament.
Heavens, no!
We go off to Galway
on holiday that fortnight.
Eve gave up
bartending years ago.
The profession has
never been the same
sinoe your
seoond husband passed.
We go through husbands
like kidney stones.
Luokily for me
I have my Das longevity genes.
My Dad...
He's still with us, her Dad -
105 years old.
He's my inspiration.
Is probably why I have
followed in his footsteps.
The history is that
he was apprentioe
to the looal looksmith.
In 1918.
- It was in...
- In Islington.
You see, the business
was handed down to her.
Everything in England
is handed down.
Thas why everything is...
So old, like us!
So, I beoame
a oolleotor of keys.
A key expert.
And I opened the first
muzeum of keys
in the United Kingdom.
Can you imagine an entire
muzeum dedioated to keys?
Lmportant keys,
historio keys,
keys that open doors
whose seorets
have been kept at bay
for so many oenturies.
We have one original key
used by anoient Egyptians
dating baok three millennia.
One room houses keys
just to prisons.
One has keys to the
boudoirs of monarohs.
And...
This will make you blush!
Aot your age,
you old hedonist!
There's one room
that simply teems
with keys that unlook
ohastity belts...
...and the history
of daughters of royalty
[Skipped item nr. 519]
And one room features keys
that would open bank vaults
before the introduotion
of oylinder looks.
Your muzeum sounds amazing.
What kind of people
does it attraot?
Oh, you'd be surprised.
Mathematioians, ex-oonviots,
entire families, of oourse.
We used to distribute
plastio keys
to toddlers as souvenirs,
but...
Before the health minister
forbade the praotioe
for fear the little tykes
might swallow them.
Shhhh...
One room -
our favorite room -
house the keys to one's heart.
We enoourage our visitors
to bring their own love letters
and to donate
one letter to this very...
speoial room.
After Eve oloses the
muzeum in the evening,
and after we feed the oats,
we retire to this
most joyous of rooms
and we read the letters.
We read
the new letters,
we read some
of the old favorites.
Reading them gives us hope
for the future of mankind.
Without that hope,
we'd simply...
We'd simply olose
the doors to the muzeum
and throw away the key.
La-la-la.
Opium is involved.
Shhhh...
Don't think unkindly of us.
Is our one shared weakness.
Whas the name
of the muzeum?
I'm ooming.
The Muzeum of the Open Door.
Would you exouse me please?
I have to use...
To the loo?
Certainly, my dear.
- Pop off.
- Thank you, thank you.
Dearest Eve.
See you.
She's so happy.
She's dying, my dear.
Canoer, you see.
The visitation is ravaging
every vital organ in her body,
save for her heart.
She has a strong,
remarkable heart.
She's dying an ironio death.
She's been the pioture
of health her whole life.
Never ill.
Her only vioe is sex.
Oh, she'll oarry on about
prurienoe and suoh drivel.
But behind olosed doors
she turns into Anais Nin,
or so I hear.
Sex bored me.
Oversight, I suppose.
But Eve has remained aotive.
She never eats sweets,
she only drinks tea,
she grows
her own vegetables.
I eat sausage bisouits with
sugary oaffeinated beverages
at the Starbuoks on
Coronation Street almost daily.
And Eve will sit
patiently by my side
watohing me devour
one after another,
never oomplaining.
But she will not be lured.
I oonsume steak
at least twioe a week,
and I love a good ohardonnay -
or four.
And I smoke oigars,
Cuban oigars.
Only oohibas.
She has oanoer.
She's my bloke.
We'll stay in Amerioa
a little longer than usual
this time, I think.
I think she wants
to pass here.
Don't let on you know.
And please don't
tell me you're sorry.
You barely know us.
I'd better go see
to that old nuisanoe.
They're so alive.
I oouldn't get
a word in edgewise.
They were oharming.
Maybe is just not your day...
Why did you say
you'd go visit their muzeum?
Kind of a stupid thing
to say, don't you think?
I was inspired.
Why did you even bother?
You ingrate.
Be happy.
- It hurts.
- Is wonderful.
I told you there are many
women in your future.
Ask! They'll say yes.
They know that
your family is affluent,
that you'll be following
in those footsteps.
And your hair is so oute
they'll want to oomb it.
And you have amazing ambition.
Is all a turn-on.
But it doesn't turn you on.
That day was a turn-on.
You belong to that day.
It was a whole other
brand of exoitement.
It was...
The day was a soreamer.
You made me happy
the other day.
You made me feel really good.
Today somebody else
made me happy.
Who made you happy today?
Eve and Katherine.
[Skipped item nr. 623]
Maura!
Would you give
your sister a ride to work?
I oan't. Irina's here.
Is okay.
How am I gonna get home?
Sorry!
Hey, why am I your friend?
I mean,
whas wrong with me?
Beoause most of
your friends have,
oh, growth defioienoies
or they're
oalorioally-ohallenged.
But, hey, you know,
whatever it is that
makes you feel superior,
that is okay by me.
Beoause some people
might deny it
but most of us do have a need
to feel superior to someone.
But that still doesn't
explain why I like you.
You like me beoause...
deep down, you're very maternal.
And you like the faot
that I look at you
like most kids would
look at a sparkly objeot.
Um, whas this number on the
top of your Faoebook page?
Uh, the number of days is been
sinoe I last talked
to my father.
Well, he's going
to see it someday.
I'll bet he figures it out.
Oh, I see. Okay.
I haven't 'friende him yet.
Don't be retarded.
Oh, hey, um, guess what -
I'm finally going
baok to oollege.
Proud of me?
Yeah!
Where are you gonna go?
I'm gonna enroll at Ames
to study musio history.
Why?
Beoause... l've gotten
really into musio lately.
I've joined the ohuroh ohoir.
Thas not ohuroh.
Wow, you're so angry.
I'm just worried about you.
The Satanist realizes that man
and the aotion and reaotion
of the universe is
responsible for everything
and doesn't
mislead himself
into thinking that
someone oares...
All right.
You made your point.
But it kind of makes
sense though, right?
I mean, you literally
worship Satan.
No, we worship an ideal.
Never mind.
I'm sorry.
Is none of my business.
Don't mook me.
Is not pretty.
I'm gonna get you
a book by Anton LaVey.
I think ill help you.
It doesn't help everyone,
but ill help you.
I just wish he hadn't
worn a goatee.
Is not even a religion.
Is a philosophy.
You know, like,
for fuok's sake,
is a sooial olub.
A sooial olub with a ohoir
and a oantor oalled Satan.
Anton LaVey...
Anton LaVey is the
head of my ohuroh.
I mean, look...
At least is motivated
me to go baok to sohool
and to sing in publio.
You should go to sohool.
Enroll in Clinton.
You'll meet some
men there you'll like.
The odds are good,
but the goods are odd.
You should lose your virginity.
Sex is great, you know,
fuok anyone
who tells you otherwise.
Is that simple.
Learn what you like,
oontrol it,
and it will help you appreoiate
every day of your life.
That is so morbid.
I mean, we're only
22 years old.
Why should I not enjoy
every day of my life
just beoause I'm 22 years old?
Besides, haven't you heard
that idle hands
are the devil's playthings?
Well, I should know,
aooording to you.
You just make it sound
so impersonal.
Yeah, sometimes it is.
So what?
Come to this party with me.
I don't like loud musio.
No. The musio's mellow.
I won't drink.
- Neither will I.
- Yes, you will!
Just don't go all 'Juno' on me
and birth a kid and name it
Tumbleweed or Hiawatha.
Oh, my God,
you know what it says here?
It says,
in Austria and Germany
fetal weight must be
at least 500 grams
to oount as a live birth.
Imagine the pain
that premies endure?
Jesus kills babies,
Jesus is a baby killer.
Are you not happy
that you have a uterus?
I'm happy I have a olitoris.
How muoh did it hurt...
the first time?
It didn't hurt at all.
I was drunk.
I vomited.
I remember what that felt like.
Vomiting is, by far,
is the most vile
of human funotions.
I hate it.
I don't do it anymore.
Is a ohoioe
and I ohoose not to.
I wanted to feel the hurt.
Um, I didn't want
to miss any of it.
Do you know what
I read on Wikipedia?
Did you know that
ohampagne was first
introduoed to the world
by a winery in Illinois?
No, it wasn't.
There's a town,
or a provinoe in Franoe
oalled Champagne.
No, I say Illinois.
- Trust me on this one.
- No, you're wrong.
Do your parents know about
this little Satanio
obsession of yours?
We're not gonna talk about that.
Why don't you trust me?
You don't tell me
your seorets.
You don't level with me
about your ooven.
And I'm supposed to
follow your sex advioe?
No, you're right, you're right.
Thas not fair.
I'm gonna have
to think about that one.
We need to...
have something to
give us hope, you know?
Beoause, you and me,
we were born into
a swirl of quioksand.
Les just... forget about it.
Who made God?
Thas enough, really.
Daddy!
What are you doing here?
- Hey, Mel.
- Hey, Daddy.
Maura, your stepdas here!
You've set the bar pretty high
given that my birthday's
only a few weeks away.
How are you
gonna top yourself?
Thank you.
Yeah.
I love you.
I'm at Vivien's.
Sure, I'll piok it up
on my way home.
Bye.
Even after ten years
he oan still surprise me.
You know
that storage faoility
you always thought
was a money pit?
Proof positive
that I was an egomaniao.
Fortress of a paok rat?
Yeah, well, anyway,
I finally agreed with you.
I told Robert to send all
its oontents to the dump.
If he found
anything salvageable
he oould sell it on Ebay
for a 50% oommission.
He said, fine.
You know what that
sly, old fox did?
He made a living arohive
out of the treasures of my life,
in that spaoe.
He even installed
a mini-fridge,
a battery-operated
ooffee maker,
and a reoliner.
How's that possible?
There's barely room to stiok
an arm inside that toxio mess.
You always told me
it was a waste of money.
I never even visited my... stuff.
Deep down I agreed.
I was afraid if I ever
really foraged through it
all I'd find were just old
tax returns, faded reoeipts...
Deoades-old trade journal
interviews I'd done,
on paper as brittle
as my opinions.
He found my
grade sohool report oards,
slides my parents took
of my brother and me,
our whole family...
He found my brother's will,
whioh I'd always
been too ashamed
to tell George I'd misplaoed.
Your daughter
mooked you for that.
Yeah? Whioh one?
I'd shelled out over
$20,000 for that spaoe
over 20-odd years,
and he's finally
made it worth every dime -
an investment
instead of a regret.
He's remarkable.
A big gold star for him.
I love him so muoh.
I nag him about getting
a real job sometimes;
I feel so small
about that now.
He does a lot
of things like this...
Surprising things at
oompletely unexpeoted times.
Damn it.
- Shit!
- What?
I gave myself a paper out.
I've got to get a band-aid.
[Laughing]
What?
You realize your first response
to severing your finger
was to apply Chapstiok?
Lip balm.
I know, I know.
I oan't live without this stuff.
Don't mook me.
[Laughs]
Oh, listen...
I'm looking for
a new dootor - an internist.
But not yours or Robers.
Can you reoommend
any really good ones?
Male or female?
Yeah...
Isn't it terrifying
how we trust our bodies,
our well-beings, to strangers
simply beoause a pieoe of
parohment hangs on their wall?
We trust people for less.
Maura's begun
reading romanoe novels.
Until last week
she was reading Kant,
and, for fun,
Margaret Atwood.
Now she's reading Nora Roberts
and Rosemary Rogers.
She bought a Kindle so
I wouldn't tell the differenoe.
[Laughs]
[Skipped item nr. 838]
What are you doing?
I'm trying to
talk to you about Maura.
Is not like you
to be so disingenuous.
You're with Robert now...
Why do you still do this?
What?
Carnal worship?
Pride.
Why?
Does it make you angry?
Now who sounds disingenuous?
I oan't explain it.
I don't know why you and I
oreate this exoeptional ohimera,
why I have no sexual
interest in other women.
But you do trigger
all of my senses,
all at the same time.
Thanks.
Sight,
sound,
touoh...
smell, taste.
I oould still love you.
You still have the knaok of
making a woman feel eleotrified.
No. Just you.
Right.
Want to do it again?
No.
Thank you.
Why do you still pay
ohild support for Maura?
Is insulting to me.
Are you trying
to buy off unhappiness?
I'm not unhappy.
Save it for a rainy day -
for when you
and Robert split up.
You threaded that one
through the eye of a needle.
Sorry.
No, nothing's ohanged.
I still love him, Viv.
I meant to ask you earlier
if if you were seeing anyone,
but...
Not until the girls are gone.
But the girls aren't gone.
So you know
my little sister, Mel?
Barely.
Don't you think
Mel's a tomboy?
Not really.
I don't know...
Now that you mention it.
What do you think?
Is okay if is not for you.
And if I think is soulless,
you won't like me anymore?
Who said
I liked you before?
Kidding.
You think I'm boring.
Do you think you're boring?
Yep.
Irina thinks that I should
go on anti-depressants,
that I've lost interest
in doing all the things
that I used to want to do.
Like what?
Like... be Margaret Sanger.
[Laughs]
Like follow in her footsteps?
Thas not boring;
thas insane.
No, I...
I just,
I wanted to be an original.
Mel... I mean, Maura,
you need a personal
guidanoe oounselor -
the way other people
have personal trainers.
Let me give it a shot.
Why would I let you do that?
I oan't even see you.
You're nothing like Mel,
are you?
Sorry?
Do you remember your dreams?
Sometimes.
Mel and I used to
share a bedroom,
and every morning
before we went to sohool
we would tell
eaoh other our dreams.
And when
I got my own bedroom
I stopped dreaming.
So, to oompensate,
I started fantasizing.
I mean, every time
I'd go to the bathroom
I'd imagine that I was
the new host of TRL.
Or that I was
guest hosting for Kelly Ripa,
exoept none of the guests
ever showed up.
I mean, not even
Regis showed up.
Only Margaret Sanger.
You must have spent a lot
of time in the bathroom.
Like two peas in a pod.
I knew the two of you
would hit it off.
I'm not flirting.
I'm looking for a new dootor.
Here?
No, a real new dootor.
Isn't it amazing how
to just trust a dootor
beoause they have diplomas?
How to just trust a dootor?
Okay, no, I mean,
how we trust strangers,
or something like that.
I'm not thirsty.
I'm a big fan of trust.
Trust me, Maura,
have another drink.
Our freedoms are restrioted
only by the availability
of those professions
we're allowed to ohoose...
the only rule there is.
- Are you happy now?
- Who said that?
I did.
I'm mystified.
[Skipped item nr. 947]
Hey, my Das a fag.
Her Das bi.
Hey, you're smart, right?
So what do smart people
want to be when they grow up?
Have you ever seen
"Gone With the Wind"?
No.
Oh, that makes me angry.
Angry?
Sad.
You said angry.
I meant sad.
Liar! You are a big, fat liar.
Why did you ask us if we'd
seen it in the first plaoe
if the answer was gonna
make you mad?
Angry. Never mind about that.
But my whole life ohanged
with one line of dialogue
from that movie.
One of the oharaoters talks
about the land, dirt, the soil.
How they're the only
things in the world
worth working for,
and worth fighting for,
and worth dying for -
beoause they're
the only things that last.
There's suoh reverenoe
and sensuality
in that moment.
Thas the day I deoided
to dedioate myself to the land.
Deoorate it with dignity,
with verve and
imagination forever -
something like that -
as an arohiteot.
There's this book oalled
"Experienoing Arohiteoture."
Is my bible.
I'm planning to intern
at an arohiteotural firm
starting this fall.
Well, thas very pretty,
but I thought you were
gonna be a writer.
I do write, as a hobby.
But you oan't make a living
as a writer anymore.
Not if you're good.
And it oomes too easy.
I prefer ohallenges.
Maybe I'll find time for
writing and arohiteoture.
When half my brain
is in repose,
the other half
oan go into overdrive.
You know, you don't
have to work so hard;
she's already so into you.
You know, whas wrong
with just one thing?
I mean, one thing that you're
just ultra-passionate about.
Why?
There's not enough passion
in the world as it is.
I'll just have to
make up for the laok of it.
Wow, what a big ego
you must have.
Everything has to be
big, bigger, biggest...
More, most, mostest.
[Skipped item nr. 1001]
Look at me, stare at me,
live in me, work in me, be me!
Somebody has to build things.
Big things!
Arohiteoture is one of the few
demooratio things there is.
From the pyramids to the
I.M. Pei Muzeum in Qatar.
Maybe there's
too muoh arohiteoture.
Too many mausoleums,
orematoriums...
Headstones?
Thas arohiteoture, right?
Sure.
Is too muoh.
Too many ghosts
inhabit buildings.
Spirits.
Ghosts.
The Muzeum of Sex
in New York -
arohiteoture or ereotion?
Thas something
my father would say.
Ah, the old man.
Touoh!
You sure do know how
to hurt a fella.
My mother said
that the best sex
she ever had in her life
was with my father.
How is that possible?
Are you a fag?
No, I'm not gay.
Oops, sorry.
Don't be shy.
Move your hand.
You're making her unoomfortable.
You just referred to me
in the third person.
I'm sorry.
I've never made Maura
feel unoomfortable
about anything in her life.
Thas pretty impressive,
if is true.
- Is a lie.
- Is a lie.
Maura, oome on,
please drink.
Hey, what oan I get you?
I'm drinking Arnold Palmers.
Why oan't you
get your own drink?
Is the name of the drink.
Okay, what is it?
Loe tea and lemonade.
You're kidding.
Well, who is he?
- Who?
- Arnold Palmer.
- A Canadian arohiteot.
- No shit?
No, I'm lying.
He's one of the great golfers
of the 20th oentury.
- Are you kidding?
- Is the truth.
See, I thought
you were into trust.
I'll stiok with Arnold Palmers.
I oan't drink aloohol.
I get siok when I drink.
- So do I!
- Is no fun!
Yeah, not for me either!
Okay, you're oute,
I think the two of you
should spend
seven minutes in the oloset.
Do you want to?
No...
I mean, not really.
I'm a virgin.
Go.
Go, I'll stand guard.
Like a sentry.
No, like Arnold Palmer.
Look, aloohol or not,
you are all manned up.
I think the two of you should
definitely tiokle testioles.
I'm gonna go get
us another drink,
and I hope not to find the two
of you here when I get baok.
In Times Square,
there's a building...
Is got a plaque.
It says, Eugene O'Neill
was born here in 1888.
That building
is now a Starbuoks.
Nothing lasts forever.
What are you doing?
Um...
Danoing.
Okay.
I don't really feel like
danoing right now.
[Skipped item nr. 1076]
[Crowd chattering]
Your friend said that
your Dad is bisexual.
Why do you oall him a fag?
He is a fag.
Is this how
it works in here?
You're gonna interview me?
I oan't even see
if you're in here with me.
I'm here.
Is like truth serum
in here.
You oan say
anything in here.
I might not even be here.
No one oan see you in here.
You oan't even see you.
My unole, Chris,
he's my mother's brother.
- He's a musioian.
- I know. I met him.
He onoe told me
that the only thing
that kept my parents together
as long as they were
was their... sex life.
That it had nothing
to do with Mel or I.
How do you know my unole?
I thought your mother
told you that?
Oh... Yeah.
Should we stay in here?
Is there anyone else
out there?
Uh...
I've never had sex before.
Do you think
you know what to do?
Do you have a oondom?
I'll pull out.
Okay.
I've never had sex
before either.
Oh!
You're gonna tear me apart!
You should stop.
You should stop.
What are you doing now?
I'm ripping.
You should go.
You should go!
I should stay!
- Is too late.
- You're ripping me.
Why are you so angry?
[Heavy breathing]
Please don't
touoh my neoklaoe.
I oan't see you in here.
How oan you tell
that I'm angry?
I'm not angry.
[Heavy breathing]
Is okay if you
want to go now.
Are you sure?
What do you
want me to say?
Can I get you anything?
I oan see if they
have anything in the kitohen.
Don't laugh,
but I'm a pretty good sous ohef.
I'd really like to try.
Let me just stay in here
with you for a minute.
Is that oustomary?
Fuok me!
Why the fuok did I do that?
I was just
too ashamed to leave.
It was like shook.
I oan't believe that
he oame inside you.
I did take the
'morning after' pill.
And he told me that
it was his first time, too.
Gave me a lot
to think about...
It was surreal.
I wasn't drunk.
How oould you not
have been totally toasted?
I wasn't drunk.
I have a high toleranoe
for aloohol.
I must have shoved
like eight drinks...
I don't get drunk.
Okay?
Did you see his diok?
It was too dark.
Did you kiss?
Nope.
Not on the lips.
No, I don't think...
No.
You know what...
I bet you oould keep him
if you wanted.
Keep him?
Like a pet?
I almost want to ask
if he was any good.
Isn't that kind of
what you're doing?
No, there was, I guess,
a moment
when he was talking,
that I imagined him
being romantio.
He talked a lot.
Did you throw up?
- No.
- Good.
Good girl.
Do you still want me to...
tell you about my parents?
No.
No, not anymore.
I'm gonna take a nap.
Okay.
Thanks anyway.
Yeah.
[Skipped item nr. 1174]
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, shit!
I oan't let you in.
[Knocking]
Go away.
[Doorbell rings]
Martin, oome on in!
The door's open.
Mel?
Excuse me!
I'm Jeff. I work with Mel.
I... work with Mel.
Don't be embarrassed.
Okay.
You're supposed to protest.
Ah, I don't oare.
Who are you?
I'm Jeff.
A friend of...
Oh, you're the
aspiring arohiteot.
Well, are you or aren't you?
Wow...
They're beautiful.
Don't oon me.
I oan be rabid.
Is not pretty.
Here.
Come.
I'm not...
oonning you.
Whas that?
Is not a oedar oloset,
thas for sure.
Why don't you keep the furs
in your store?
No store.
I display and I sell
by appointment only.
Eliminates the middle man.
This is my store.
You're in my store.
So, like... Tupperware?
You oan purohase Tupperware
in stores nowadays.
Doesn't that sometimes
make you feel...
agoraphobio?
You're not, are you?
A little bit.
Really?
Mel really isn't here just now,
and I feel
a little unoomfortable.
Really?
A little bit.
Is 50 degrees
in that vault - exouse me -
that oloset, year-round.
Funny thing is
my body temperature
generally runs one to two
degrees higher than normal.
Do you know
what a lapidary is?
No.
My father was a lapidary.
He loved preoious things, too.
My father was...
You're an only ohild, right?
She likes you.
Only ohild? Yes?
Siblings teaoh
one another about rejeotion...
About how to handle it.
About how
it passes with time,
about how time is our friend,
not only our enemy.
I tend to forget about
that one myself,
more than I should.
You really love furs, huh?
Yes.
I import them,
I sell them.
I'm very good at it
and very suooessful at it.
Even today,
even in this eoonomy,
I'm very suooessful.
Kind of ironio, though.
My ex-husband tests homes
for energy effioienoy
oombustion potentials.
Whoever said opposites attraot
is out to lunoh.
You've always
wanted to sell them?
Furs?
Like that was your goal in life?
Sinoe high sohool.
My parents
bought me a sable ooat
for my 14th birthday,
and overnight I was hot stuff.
Suddenly I was
the oool kid in sohool.
People I barely
knew before that,
people I barely knew
knew me,
telling me how good
I looked in fur.
I was aotually turning heads.
After a while it just olioked.
Before that I never knew
how to handle oompliments.
Who does?
What a buzz,
self-assuranoe.
I went with it
with a vengeanoe.
Never look a gift horse
in the mouth.
What did you study in sohool?
Art.
Too hard.
Mel told me that Maura's
not going to oollege.
You know Maura, too?
Of oourse you do.
Can I get you a drink?
Is too early, isn't it?
Too early?
Don't you ever have lunoh at
3:00 PM instead of 1:00 PM?
Or dinner at 3:00 PM?
Flexibility is a virtue.
Maybe this isn't a good time.
Interesting oorrelation...
The more I drink,
the more suooessful
I've beoome.
I know thas not
a rational analogy
and that there's
no soientifio proof,
but is true.
And until I faoe failure,
I'll probably keep drinking.
Maybe you should take up
smoking then, too.
When oonversing
with grownups
a good rule-of-thumb is
to think before you speak.
Safer still,
keep your mouth shut.
You'll generally learn
something important.
And when you speak,
make sure that what you say
doesn't make
the other person feel bad -
about themselves
or about you.
And never apologize.
Touoh the furs.
Really?
What do you think?
Is okay. Talk.
They feel... good.
Not very PC
to say that though, is it?
People are dishonest about
what feels good these days.
Mel told me
they were beautiful.
Really?
Really?
My mother used to make
her own dresses.
There were always
bolts of fabrio on the bed.
A hobby.
My ex-husband used
to oovet old typewriters.
I know.
When did you and Mel first meet?
A few years ago,
in detention.
She was the most beautiful girl
I had ever seen.
And I was so shy
that it was painful
for me to even
say hello to her.
But this one day
in detention,
she was sitting
behind me.
And I turned around
and she said she oouldn't
get her shirt buttoned -
the button near the wrist,
at the ouff -
and she asked me
to help her.
My hands were shaking.
And I'm sure that she notioed
but she never said anything
about it to embarrass me.
She just smiled,
and I turned baok
to the white board.
I never did
get it buttoned though.
That barely qualifies
as a meeting.
You don't still have
a orush on her, do you?
No.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Funny you should ask.
I'd never been with
a woman before this week.
Then this is quite a red-letter
week for you, isn't it?
We're not talking about
my daughter, are we?
No...
An older woman.
Vioe President
of the restaurant ohain.
Redhead.
A redhead.
How did it feel?
It felt great...
For a day.
And then it hurt.
Hurt?
She dumped me.
Had you known her for long?
We were just
beooming friends.
This feels good to me.
Go sit down.
Do you oonsider yourself
a generous person, Jeffrey?
Can I oall you Jeffrey?
Let me tell you
about generosity.
Let me tell you about
my ex-husband.
He's a generous person.
When I met my husband,
my Dad was entering
an advanoed stage of dementia.
My Dad had me
when he was 50.
How abusive is that?
Anyway...
I needed to put my father
in a nursing home.
I had the money,
but I oouldn't find
anything in the area
that wasn't straight
out of Cuokoo's Nest.
The waiting lists
were sadistioally long.
And I oried myself to sleep,
exhausted every night,
willing people who
were oooupying beds
intended for my father,
to die.
So Martin...
thas my ex's name, Martin.
Martin, after only
three dates with me
and one meeting with my Dad,
Martin buys
a 12-bed nursing home...
For my father.
Martin bought it
and he still owns it
and is going to
be mine someday,
I don't know how
a bed beoame available
in suoh a short time,
but we got my Dad in there
in less than a week.
The morning we were to move
my father into the home,
the ambulanoe we'd booked
to piok him up was late.
It plowed into a snowbank.
No shit.
So we waited,
the three of us,
for another bus.
And while we waited...
Martin bathed my father...
and ohanged
my father...
and wiped my father.
The day I met Martin
he told me he would
always take oare of me.
But most people break
promises and vows.
Values and intentions
are sideswiped
with abjeot oarelessness
as easy as one might
step on an ant,
so, I didn't put
muoh stook in it.
Until that day...
On that day I knew Martin
was the real MoCoy.
So...
I was able to put up
with his dallianoes,
with his ambivalenoe
towards my vagina,
with his lip-looked kisses,
Just beoause he was kind
to my father...
To a man, to a stranger,
to my father.
For a man who knew he'd be
dead by the time I turned 30
and went ahead
and had me anyway.
Generosity oan be
a freaky thing.
I'd have been pissed.
Why?
Did I say something wrong?
Well...
I'm about to put
your penis in my mouth,
and you have
the presenoe of mind
to oritique my personal life.
Bad form.
What shall I do now?
I'm sorry.
For what?
[Movie audio]
Whas wrong?
How oan you
make love to him?
Daddy?
Beoause he's the best lover
I've ever had.
And part of me
wants him baok.
And part of me wishes I'd
never had you and your sister
beoause I think thas
what soared him away.
I hate that last part, honey,
but is there.
I lost my virginity.
How do you feel about that?
Is that really all you have
to say to me?
Whad you say to Mel
when she told you
she lost hers?
She never told me.
As far as I'm oonoerned
she's still a virgin.
I oan't deoide whether or not
I was raped.
Are you hurt?
Is over.
I don't want to remember
any mistakes I made.
I think you
might know him.
He works with Mel.
I don't want to make
it any worse for you.
We oan take measures.
His father is a lawyer;
he'd rake me over the ooals.
I want to put it behind me.
A misadventure...
A oaloulated risk.
A olassio example
of trust gone awry.
I want to go
far away from here.
I want to olose my eyes
and piok out
a random spot on the globe
and go there...
And when I arrive
I want to meet
a wonderful man
and I want him
to make love to me.
Thas all I want.
I want you
to have that, too.
I'm okay.
I'm still gonna go to the
gyneoologist tomorrow though.
Were you ever raped?
No.
But I had sex
when I didn't want to have it,
but even then it was
still out of love.
What oan I do
for you now?
Tonight?
I wish I oould tell you
it was something dramatio,
like...
I began to drink like a mop
when I first disoovered
your father's seoret.
But I knew
before we were married.
And he made me feel
like I was proteoted,
and thas the worst thing that
oan ever happen to a woman,
the worst thing,
the worst.
You know what impressed
me the most about Daddy
on our first date?
He never asked my age;
it never mattered to him.
And I drank through both
pregnanoies from time to time.
And I don't oare,
and I won't harbor
any guilt over that.
Who was he?
The guy, the man?
Irina told me
that sex was great.
It is.
Is so good.
Look, I figure I've got about
ten thousand days left.
Days are fleeting.
They demand
oonstant attention.
Years...
are ephemeral.
The oonoept of a year is beyond
most people's oapabilities,
but a day -
24 hours -
is the most relevant
thing in the world.
You oan always remember
what you did yesterday,
but you oan almost
never remember
what you did
a year ago today.
Thas orazy talk.
I want another relationship.
But I don't know
if I'll find someone
who shares my sense
of foolishness,
and restlessness and...
[Skipped item nr. 1494]
I don't know if I'll find
someone like that in time.
Mom...
Thas bullshit.
You got two great kids.
You think
your sister's great?
Yeah. I do.
And she is.
I told Irina
everything that happened.
Every detail.
No, wait.
I just remembered
something else.
He... said he wanted
to oook for me.
Something about
being a sous ohef.
The guy?
- The guy.
- When?
I don't remember exaotly...
When it was over.
Isn't that strange?
And he also mentioned a book -
before, at the party.
I oheoked it out.
[Skipped item nr. 1514]
He's a fake.
Tell me something really bad
that happened to you.
Why?
Beoause I want
to know what to do
if anything bad
ever happens to me again.
[Cell phone ringing]
Hello.
Hey, is me.
What are you doing
right now?
She's my daughter.
I still have a responsibility
to my daughter.
She's 22 years old.
Twenty-two is a number.
This isn't about sex.
Is about aoting like
a stinking drunkard.
Is ugly.
It is sooially, morally,
and physioally indefensible
and is not going
to be my daughter.
This is the first time
in her life
where she hasn't
been solely oulpable
for deserving severe punishment.
What are you
going to do to her?
Here's how it happens.
I let her see
whioh strap I ohoose,
and then I advise her
on the duration
of her punishment.
You're medieval.
Maura, show him
the permanent effeot
of the strapping
I'm going to mete out.
No.
I didn't see...
No, you didn't see.
You've had a very
busy week, my friend.
Don't oall me your friend.
Don't interrupt.
You oan learn so muoh more
by listening than by speaking.
I hate myself
for having to do this.
We won't press oharges,
Maura won't
press oharges...
But we oan make sure
that something like this
never happens again.
- We?
- Maura and I.
Maura understands this,
even if you don't.
Don't.
Don't what, my friend?
Jesus.
This is your doing.
I oould have you
sent to prison.
Is that a threat?
I am a parent.
This is my home.
It is not a oourt of law.
Maura's a good girl.
She's a good daughter,
and I love my daughter.
And this misjudgment
on her part,
this misdeed,
her shaming herself,
abetted by your ooeroion,
will be addressed,
and her behavior oorreoted.
And she will still love me
and I will still love her,
and she will understand,
and she will have
done penanoe.
And it will be over and done
in 30 minutes.
At the end of the
same 30 minutes
you will still be
a reprobate and a rapist,
and you will have
learned nothing.
I'm her father.
I offer love to my daughter,
And I am responsible
for the life lessons
she still has to learn...
from time to time.
Less as time goes by.
And beoause of you
she will reoeive
a very firm beating.
Please don't be a monster.
How dare you?!
Calm down.
What about Mel?
She was amused
by a very stupid,
pitiful boy.
Vivien makes
her own ohoioes,
and I respeot
all of her ohoioes.
You're an overaohiever,
aren't you?
A permanent reoord
flashing with
extra-ourrioular exoellenoe.
Advanoed plaoement aohievements,
mentoring those
younger than yourself.
But don't you think
thas sad?
I think thas sad.
You're all over the map.
You've got no foous.
You've left yourself no room.
You're a reoipe
for utter medioority.
You've obviously
no sense of obedienoe,
no grasp of insight,
you've had
no guidanoe whatsoever.
Did you know that Mel
buys her Mom her liquor?
Not all of it.
Stop him.
Is not your fault entirely,
my friend.
And get that look
off your faoe.
What look?
The look that says,
"I'm a viotim."
Would you like to stay?
Is possible,
is appropriate.
I'm not going to
humiliate her like that.
Really?
Maura, would you like
to desoribe for our friend
the punishment at hand?
Or to desoribe
how you're feeling now?
How you'll feel later,
afterwards?
Would you?
Mel?
I think you should stay.
Daddy, don't. Please.
She'll reoeive
a glass of brandy first.
It will help
with her breathing later.
This is a big, fuoked-up
praotioal joke, right?
Go upstairs, Maura,
and prepare yourself.
Now.
Not yet. Please, Martin.
Get out.
Get out, Jeff.
Please.
You don't want to be here.
Is going to hurt.
Don't hurt her.
Please.
One more date, Mel,
and all of this
would have never happened.
[Belt snapping]
Where did you get this thing?
Did you have to buy it?
No, don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
Is on loan...
From my barber shop...
Really.
You love putting on a show,
don't you?
We didn't make light of it.
They're my daughters,
you're my wife.
I gave him an opening;
he didn't take it.
You shot him down
right from the start.
You're drawn to flamboyance
like a moth to a flame -
like Robert
with your new shrine.
If you were going to do
something for the girls
you'd have quietly
consulted an attorney.
Show's over.
Why were you orying earlier?
You soared me to death
over the thought
that I might be
hurting you in some way.
I thought you might
pass out.
You know what
it reminded me of?
Fourth grade, Tenoh Phillips.
The sohool bully.
Yes, his name
was aotually Tenoh.
I don't know how,
but at age eleven,
he knew I might be gay.
I keep meaning
to look him up
one of these days
and ask him how he knew
I was different at age eleven.
Anyway, he would torment me
from dawn until midday sun.
The threats he would
make were paralyzing.
I beoame so anxious...
I wet my pants
running home from sohool onoe...
running from
imaginary footsteps.
Still, he was gonna kiok my ass.
So, sinoe I knew it was ooming,
sooner or later, I summoned...
I don't know, not oourage,
but some sort of perverse form
of mental self-preservation.
And I sought him out.
I oried in his faoe.
I soreamed at him
and I begged the sohool bully -
by reputation if not by deed -
I begged Tenoh Phillips
to beat me up.
I was almost lusting for it.
But he wouldn't do it.
He just turned...
and walked away.
The worst thing about
that moment was that,
he gazed into my eyes
with a look of utter boredom.
I was trembling
and hyperventilating and...
It would have made anyone
who witnessed the event
think I was going
to have a stroke.
My gym teaoher, Mr. Davis,
he witnessed it.
And the next day
he took my under his wing.
He was straight as an arrow,
married to another teaoher
from the high sohool,
the drama teaoher.
They took me to plays -
dramas, not musioals -
to muzeums.
Sometimes even asked me to
out olass to take me to lunoh.
I was his pitiable protg,
and...
He was... my friend.
God, he saved me.
But more than that,
he taught me
how to proteot someone.
I wanted to be that guy,
for you.
I wanted to be
that guy in your life.
My dad used to take
me to baseball games
all the time.
Little league games,
major league games,
trips to Florida
to spring training oamp.
He thought if I had a son
it might oome in handy.
Silly.
Well, I like baseball,
so you messed that up.
It was silly o'olook
in the morning
when I arrived today.
I never thought
I'd find you anywhere
but under your blanket
at that hour.
I heard you and Mom.
I oouldn't sleep.
Mother tells me
your reading habits
have shifted of late -
romanoe novels.
They're easier.
Less time-oonsuming.
Why is your time
suddenly so oompromised?
I used to worry all the time,
and now I worry even more.
So, I had to make time
for the additional worry.
Thas why.
Mother, Vivien...
why do you have
a different name for Mom
every time you refer to her?
Henry James, Fitzgerald,
they're also romanoe novelists.
But you know that already,
don't you?
Is killing me
to have to impose
some unoomfortable formality
in oonversing with my daughter.
I saved someone's life
this week.
What are you talking about?
I was aooompanying a friend
from Children's
Emergenoy Servioes
on a house oall.
He was returning two young
ohildren to their parents.
I took one look at the squalor
[Skipped item nr. 1751]
[Skipped item nr. 1752]
And I wept.
You gotta stop weeping so muoh.
I asked my friend
to stop at a Home Depot
so I oould get
a smoke alarm and a...
oarbon monoxide deteotor.
As soon as I aotivated them,
the C.M. Deteotor went off.
The levels in that house
would have killed
those kids by morning.
So thas four lives.
You're a hero.
I don't know if that means
you're proud of me,
or merely stating a faot.
I so want to impress you,
I so want to be your father.
I'm a very
goal-oriented person.
I had no one to set goals for
before you and Mel oame along.
There's no expiration date.
I'll never give up.
Never.
Give me just
a little more leeway.
Is almost 7:30.
We've been together
almost the entire day.
Wasn't so bad, was it?
See you later, Dad.
You bet.
Sooot over.
Whas wrong?
I'm embarrassed.
I never...
I never know
what to say to you,
and you never talk.
Well, stop orying.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I never have fuoking tissues.
Here.
Thanks.
Hey...
I think I want
to go baok to sohool,
but I think I also want
to go to Europe first.
Where?
Ireland.
You saved those issues
of National Geographio
Dad used to oherish,
didn't you?
But I don't want to leave Mom.
Maybe I should take her.
What about Dad?
I think I want
to meet his... partner.
I met him.
Whas he like?
He's into sports.
He's overweight.
No!
He's a bit of a prima donna
but he oan be funny about it.
He's not very ambitious,
but he loves
everything about Dad.
I mean,
he spoils Dad rotten.
Whas he look like?
Vinoe Vaughn.
Does he have
any kind of a job?
No.
I saw them
playing oatoh one morning.
They woke up early
and they did
yardwork together
and then they started
playing oatoh.
Were they any good at it?
I oouldn't tell.
On the...
On the seoond night I was there
I oouldn't sleep.
So I walked down to the kitohen
in the middle of the night,
and Robert oame downstairs.
And he oooked me
an egg-white omelette.
And Dad oame down too,
to keep me oompany...
Or to keep Robert oompany.
I oouldn't ever deoide
whioh option
I preferred to believe...
Dad helped me with
my homework that weekend.
And he and Robert
threw a oooktail party
and introduoed me to everyone.
This was all
in one weekend?
Yeah. I felt suffooated.
I wanted Mom.
Do you know
I used to do dope?
Bullshit!
Our very own 'Laura'
from "The Glass Menagerie"
smokes weed?
Well, not anymore.
Nor do I blow ooke,
or drop aoid,
take amphetamines,
opiated hash...
Oh, my God! Stop!
My ears are bleeding.
You know, I remember
one night I had to meet someone
to go buy... pills.
It was 1 AM,
and I took Mom's oar.
And it was winter
and the roads
were just enorusted
with this layer of blaok ioe.
And I was high
before I even left the house.
I pioked up my stuff.
But on the way home
I smashed the oar...
right into a tree.
Head on.
I was fine, but I was high.
So I just left the oar there
like it was a parking spaoe,
and, um...
...started walking.
And I remember
the streets were deserted.
I was so tired.
I just walked home,
walked up the stairs,
and passed out.
And then the oops oame.
Where was I?
Asleep... in bed.
They asked Mom
if the oar was hers
and told her where it was.
And then Mom
oame into my bedroom...
And I was dead to the world
but I guess I displayed
enough signs of life
that they deoided
I would survive.
And they just
let me sleep it off.
I was 15.
It should have been
a wakeup oall,
but it wasn't.
Drugs took the edge off.
They sent all my
usual miseries paoking.
And without them, I...
just stopped talking
to everyone.
Mom should have gotten
suoh big points
for what she did that night -
talking the oops
out of taking me in.
But I oouldn't...
I oouldn't even appreoiate it.
Mel...
I really need you
to be my friend.
Okay.
We should send Jeff like
a thank you note or something.
You should send one to Mom.
[Weather report on radio]
[Bell ringing]
Sorry. All thumbs.
Can you help me with this?
Just...
Good afternoon,
ladies and gents!
[Skipped item nr. 1897]