And why is it that you're here?
I saw a sign today that
said "Randy's Donuts...
And why is it that you're here?
Tastiest donuts
you've ever endured."
And why is it that you're here?
And why is that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
I want to die.
And why is it that you're here?
Recently, how have you
been occupying your time?
And why is it that you're here?
I haven't been.
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
Breakfast.
And why is it that you're here?
Good morning.
And why is it that you're here?
What is the point of school?
And why is it that you're here?
You really shouldn't smoke.
And why is it that you're here?
You should smoke.
And why is it that you're here?
That's incredibly immature.
And why is it that you're here?
You want a drink?
And why is it that you're here?
It's 6:30 in the morning.
And why is it that you're here?
Oh, God.
And why is it that you're here?
Maude, go to school.
And why is it that you're here?
And don't become a
filthy prostitute.
And why is it that you're here?
And you really shouldn't smoke.
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
"Dear Abby..."
And why is it that you're here?
"Dear Abby..."
And why is it that you're here?
"Dear Abby..."
And why is it that you're here?
What are you writing?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
Hi.
And why is it that you're here?
Stop moping.
And why is it that you're here?
I'm not moping.
And why is it that you're here?
You are obviously upset.
And why is it that you're here?
Why would you say that?
And why is it that you're here?
You knew him for a week.
And why is it that you're here?
Oh, God.
And why is it that you're here?
He was an idiot.
And why is it that you're here?
He told me he loved me.
And why is it that you're here?
No, he didn't.
And why is it that you're here?
That's true.
And why is it that you're here?
He knowingly took
your virginity,
And why is it that you're here?
And then said he was
planning on being faithful
And why is it that you're here?
But couldn't promise anything.
And why is it that you're here?
Ugh.
And why is it that you're here?
What are you writing?
And why is it that you're here?
Notes on my novel,
which I know I
And why is it that you're here?
Haven't written yet, but... OK.
And why is it that you're here?
Now, I know you were just
trying to be helpful,
And why is it that you're here?
But that was actually
really, really annoying.
And why is it that you're here?
And I think that
it's not good to...
And why is it that you're here?
Stiff up your lip.
And why is it that you're here?
Now, come on.
And why is it that you're here?
We'll be late for school.
And why is it that you're here?
Right as always, Muffin.
And why is it that you're here?
Don't call me that.
And why is it that you're here?
Let's hang out after
school today, yeah?
And why is it that you're here?
No.
And why is it that you're here?
Why?
And why is it that you're here?
I have a college tutor.
And why is it that you're here?
OK, well, then we'll get all
our girly chatty time in chem
And why is it that you're here?
Then.
And why is it that you're here?
I have SAT prep.
And why is it that you're here?
OK, well then
we'll talk at lunch.
And why is it that you're here?
Have applications.
And why is it that you're here?
Well, then...
And why is it that you're here?
No.
And why is it that you're here?
I hate you.
And why is it that you're here?
No, you don't.
And why is it that you're here?
Very true.
And why is it that you're here?
I think you're a world wonder.
And why is it that you're here?
You're my little cherub pie,
and I adore you like a...
And why is it that you're here?
Don't call me that.
And why is it that you're here?
'K, bye!
And why is it that you're here?
Love you.
And why is it that you're here?
You're my best friend.
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
And what are we not
going to do today?
And why is it that you're here?
Cause trouble.
And why is it that you're here?
And how are we
not going to do it?
And why is it that you're here?
By doing nothing that
involves anything.
And why is it that you're here?
More specifically by...?
And why is it that you're here?
I don't know.
And why is it that you're here?
Why do you not know?
And why is it that you're here?
I'm not sure.
And why is it that you're here?
Because you do not...
And why is it that you're here?
Brush my teeth.
And why is it that you're here?
...pay attention.
And why is it that you're here?
OK.
And why is it that you're here?
OK.
And why is it that you're here?
Now, I say, "Brush my teeth."
And why is it that you're here?
I'm sorry.
And why is it that you're here?
I say, "Pay attention."
And why is it that you're here?
And you say, "Brush my teeth."
And why is it that you're here?
Are you ready?
And why is it that you're here?
One, two, three, go.
And why is it that you're here?
There are a few minutes
left before school starts.
And why is it that you're here?
I suggest you use it to
finish your homework.
And why is it that you're here?
What makes you think I
haven't done it already?
And why is it that you're here?
Instinct.
And why is it that you're here?
Instinct.
And why is it that you're here?
That's incredibly immature.
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
What do you mean you
didn't take anything away
And why is it that you're here?
From "The Diary of Anne Frank"?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
Well, like she's
not making it up.
And why is it that you're here?
It was a joke.
And why is it that you're here?
I've had just about
enough of this.
And why is it that you're here?
You know what they say.
And why is it that you're here?
If at first you don't succeed...
And why is it that you're here?
Did your mother
abandon you as a baby?
And why is it that you're here?
No.
And why is it that you're here?
But you told me...
And why is it that you're here?
Oh.
And why is it that you're here?
Right, yeah, no.
And why is it that you're here?
She just doesn't go
back to school night.
And why is it that you're here?
And why did you
mock the material?
And why is it that you're here?
Well, to be honest, I
just didn't do the report.
And why is it that you're here?
Why not?
And why is it that you're here?
I'm writing this novel, and...
And why is it that you're here?
A novel?
And why is it that you're here?
Listen to me, young lady.
And why is it that you're here?
The way you've been
behaving this year,
And why is it that you're here?
I wouldn't be surprised
if you didn't graduate,
And why is it that you're here?
Let alone get into
a good college.
And why is it that you're here?
Oh, I don't want to go to...
And why is it that you're here?
And I hope you're aware that
racist comments are something
And why is it that you're here?
That we do not nor
will we ever tolerate.
And why is it that you're here?
Especially coming from someone
with a Jewish background,
And why is it that you're here?
I found a particularly
disgraceful
And why is it that you're here?
That you would shame your own
people by suggesting... are you
And why is it that you're here?
Listening to me?
And why is it that you're here?
Maude?
And why is it that you're here?
Maude?
And why is it that you're here?
What?
And why is it that you're here?
Oh.
And why is it that you're here?
Listen.
And why is it that you're here?
You are my itty-bitty
little counselor friend,
And why is it that you're here?
And I adore you.
And why is it that you're here?
And I want you to
know that I am fully
And why is it that you're here?
Aware that the
Holocaust is real.
And why is it that you're here?
I just didn't do my homework.
And why is it that you're here?
Take this.
And why is it that you're here?
Sit there.
And why is it that you're here?
Write the report.
And why is it that you're here?
And when you're done, I want
you to write a public apology
And why is it that you're here?
To give to the entire
student body tomorrow.
And why is it that you're here?
Is that clear?
And why is it that you're here?
Yes.
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
Does this mean I'm not
allowed to say "kike"?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
I have this idea for the
story about this young coke
And why is it that you're here?
Addict that wants to hit
it big in the big city.
And why is it that you're here?
What do you think?
And why is it that you're here?
What happened?
And why is it that you're here?
Life got to her
in a way that could only
And why is it that you're here?
Be dealt with by
self-medication.
And why is it that you're here?
It's a nice day.
And why is it that you're here?
Jeez, man, it's a
really nice day.
And why is it that you're here?
No.
And why is it that you're here?
What happened to you?
And why is it that you're here?
I was born on a star.
And why is it that you're here?
You were suspended.
And why is it that you're here?
Yes.
And why is it that you're here?
I see, and how
long ago was this?
And why is it that you're here?
Days, years, weeks, months.
And why is it that you're here?
Says on the
transcript, two weeks.
And why is it that you're here?
I have had too much time to
be alone with my thoughts.
And why is it that you're here?
I'm very disappointed in you
And why is it that you're here?
I know.
And why is it that you're here?
I can't understand
how this has happened.
And why is it that you're here?
Yeah, I know.
And why is it that you're here?
I do not understand why you
insist on acting like a child.
And why is it that you're here?
Yeah, I know.
And why is it that you're here?
Your priorities are
extremely misguided.
And why is it that you're here?
And not only that,
but you completely
And why is it that you're here?
Choose to ignore your own
well-being in favor of things
And why is it that you're here?
That seem fun or
interesting or cool.
And why is it that you're here?
Yeah, I know.
And why is it that you're here?
Which means that you will never
gain the respect of the people
And why is it that you're here?
Around you.
And why is it that you're here?
I know, I know, I know that.
And why is it that you're here?
Now, I want you
to go to your room
And why is it that you're here?
And think about what
you've done and not
And why is it that you're here?
Come out until you
are truly sorry.
And why is it that you're here?
Yeah, I know.
And why is it that you're here?
I love you so much.
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
Hello, darling.
And why is it that you're here?
You're just in
time for the story.
And why is it that you're here?
I need to talk to you.
And why is it that you're here?
Darling, it'll have to wait.
And why is it that you're here?
I must tell the tale
of the magic rabbit.
And why is it that you're here?
It's kind of important.
And why is it that you're here?
Can you two please move
your conversation outside?
And why is it that you're here?
I'd like to take
my bath in peace.
And why is it that you're here?
Will both of you
please be quiet?
And why is it that you're here?
Now, once upon a time, there
was a little magic rabbit
And why is it that you're here?
Who lived in a cave with
an evil yoga practitioner.
And why is it that you're here?
One day, he was
hopping down the lane.
And why is it that you're here?
Rabbits don't live in caves.
And why is it that you're here?
Yes, they do.
And why is it that you're here?
No, they absolutely do not.
And why is it that you're here?
Well, they do in this story.
And why is it that you're here?
Mother, you know
I hate inaccuracies
And why is it that you're here?
In bedtime stories.
And why is it that you're here?
Well, this isn't
a bedtime story.
And why is it that you're here?
It's a bath-time story.
And why is it that you're here?
That's precisely my point.
And why is it that you're here?
Your story's a falsity and has
also breached my private time.
And why is it that you're here?
Darling, why must you
always be so negative?
And why is it that you're here?
I got suspended.
And why is it that you're here?
I really don't know
what that means.
And why is it that you're here?
OK.
And why is it that you're here?
Well, I'll just, um...
I'll talk to you later.
And why is it that you're here?
All right, darling.
And why is it that you're here?
One day, he was
hopping down the lane.
And why is it that you're here?
Your mother mentioned
a few things.
And why is it that you're here?
Obviously, grief in some
cases can lead to severe...
And why is it that you're here?
It's not a question of grief.
And why is it that you're here?
All right.
And why is it that you're here?
Well, just for reference,
grief in some cases can be...
And why is it that you're here?
I don't know what
my mother mentioned,
And why is it that you're here?
But it's not a
question of grief.
And why is it that you're here?
Well, what would
it be a question of then?
And why is it that you're here?
Conservative fiscalism.
And why is it that you're here?
I'm sorry?
And why is it that you're here?
Conservative fiscalism.
And why is it that you're here?
What?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
Maude, breakfast.
And why is it that you're here?
Breakfast.
And why is it that you're here?
"Plutonian Facts."
And why is it that you're here?
Carl, pay attention.
And why is it that you're here?
"Pluto descends in
the top hemisphere.
And why is it that you're here?
And Venus seems to be
rising at the left.
And why is it that you're here?
And we should all be very
careful of Mars, because..."
And why is it that you're here?
Hi.
And why is it that you're here?
Hi.
And why is it that you're here?
"The Arctic Circle..."
And why is it that you're here?
What are you eating?
And why is it that you're here?
"... Which is in the
northern hemisphere..."
And why is it that you're here?
Toast.
And why is it that you're here?
Cool.
And why is it that you're here?
Can I have some?
And why is it that you're here?
No.
And why is it that you're here?
I went for a mind run.
And why is it that you're here?
I ran half a block.
And why is it that you're here?
"... Over the plains
of the earth."
And why is it that you're here?
What?
And why is it that you're here?
My darling little
snummy bumpkins, please
And why is it that you're here?
Do not interrupt
the daily horoscope.
And why is it that you're here?
Snummy bumpkins?
And why is it that you're here?
Bummy snumpkins?
And why is it that you're here?
"... That it may once again
become the overlaying and..."
And why is it that you're here?
I'll just go back to bed.
And why is it that you're here?
Yes, darling.
And why is it that you're here?
You have a little rest.
And why is it that you're here?
"... That we all know..."
Wait, wait, wait.
And why is it that you're here?
You can't go back to bed.
And why is it that you're here?
I'm sorry I forgot.
And why is it that you're here?
We're going to see Granny today.
And why is it that you're here?
Well, go on.
And why is it that you're here?
Go on.
And why is it that you're here?
Go upstairs.
And why is it that you're here?
Have the shower.
And why is it that you're here?
Wash your face.
And why is it that you're here?
Shine your shoes.
And why is it that you're here?
Do your things.
And why is it that you're here?
OK.
And why is it that you're here?
All right, darling.
And why is it that you're here?
You look so beautiful.
And why is it that you're here?
Bernie, dear, what
is the matter?
And why is it that you're here?
My toast is out of focus.
And why is it that you're here?
Do try and eat
your toast, Bernie.
And why is it that you're here?
"We all know and
love her to be..."
And why is it that you're here?
Hello.
And why is it that you're here?
Hello.
And why is it that you're here?
How are you, Granny?
And why is it that you're here?
Granny?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
Carl, dear, please
try and pay attention.
And why is it that you're here?
I'm curious.
And why is it that you're here?
I don't want to think about it.
And why is it that you're here?
You should want
to think about it.
And why is it that you're here?
You're gonna a lot.
And why is it that you're here?
I mean, get more...
she liked me more.
And why is it that you're here?
That's beside the point.
And why is it that you're here?
It isn't beside
the point if it's
And why is it that you're here?
Going to be available
to you in a week.
And why is it that you're here?
You know, you are
a terrible person.
And why is it that you're here?
Granny is dead, and all you
can talk about is inheritance.
And why is it that you're here?
So all of a sudden, she
isn't some old wraith
And why is it that you're here?
With a terrible temper
and smelly arms?
And why is it that you're here?
She's still dead.
And why is it that you're here?
That doesn't make it right.
And why is it that you're here?
Children.
And why is it that you're here?
You want to go to
the movies today?
And why is it that you're here?
I can't.
And why is it that you're here?
I have school after this.
And why is it that you're here?
What?
And why is it that you're here?
Granny is dead.
And why is it that you're here?
You can keep saying that.
And why is it that you're here?
I told them that she
died, like, two years ago
And why is it that you're here?
That month mom and
me had that band.
And why is it that you're here?
Can you just hang
out with me anyway?
And why is it that you're here?
I have nothing to do.
And why is it that you're here?
All right.
And why is it that you're here?
You're the self-hating Jew now.
And why is it that you're here?
You aren't, huh?
And why is it that you're here?
Yeah.
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
Ew.
And why is it that you're here?
Give you $10 if
you lick her face.
And why is it that you're here?
Hi.
And why is it that you're here?
What, dear?
And why is it that you're here?
I said hi.
And why is it that you're here?
I can't talk now, darling.
And why is it that you're here?
It's Bernie's time to shine.
And why is it that you're here?
Mother, can you please
stop saying that?
And why is it that you're here?
Does he really have
to go to school today?
And why is it that you're here?
Yes.
And why is it that you're here?
I've already wrapped
my head around going.
And why is it that you're here?
If I have to unwrap
it now, there'll
And why is it that you're here?
Be no much time before yoga.
And why is it that you're here?
How much time?
And why is it that you're here?
When do you have to go to yoga?
And why is it that you're here?
After she drops me off.
And why is it that you're here?
All right.
And why is it that you're here?
Do I have everything?
And why is it that you're here?
Yes.
And why is it that you're here?
Yes.
And why is it that you're here?
All right.
And why is it that you're here?
Darling, don't look so forlorn.
And why is it that you're here?
Why don't you do something
constructive with your time?
And why is it that you're here?
Why don't you work on
that nice little play
And why is it that you're here?
Thing you've been doing?
And why is it that you're here?
It's a book.
And why is it that you're here?
Is it?
And why is it that you're here?
I don't know.
And why is it that you're here?
And for heaven's sake,
don't jump on our bed.
And why is it that you're here?
You'll wake up your father.
And why is it that you're here?
I don't do that anymore.
And why is it that you're here?
Besides, he sleeps under the
shades in the living room now.
And why is it that you're here?
No, I found him under the bed.
And why is it that you're here?
I think the casket is
making his nostalgic.
And why is it that you're here?
When are they going to
take that thing away?
And why is it that you're here?
Calm down, dear.
And why is it that you're here?
It's only been an hour.
And why is it that you're here?
They'll be here in a few days.
And why is it that you're here?
What?
And why is it that you're here?
Will you come back and
hang out with me after yoga?
And why is it that you're here?
Darling, I would,
but I don't want to.
And why is it that you're here?
Bye.
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
And why is it that you're here?
Jesus.
And why is it that you're here?
What?
I'm sorry.
What?
Am I not allowed to call my
very bestie friendy-wendy?
What?
I've been trying to get a hold
of you for, like, three days.
What?
I'm writing my
personal statement.
What?
Well, would you
talk to me if you
What?
Knew that my grandmother
had just died?
What?
Jenny?
What?
Jenny.
What?
My grandmother has just died.
What?
No, she hasn't.
What?
She has.
What?
In fact, she had
time to die and have
What?
A funeral, which I
have just attended.
What?
That is how long you have not
returned my phone calls for.
What?
Well, you never her anyway.
What?
Will you please come over after
school and hang out with me?
What?
You know, this is what
the rest of your life
What?
Is going to be like without
the collegiate experience.
What?
Jenny, you have nothing to
do when you're suspended.
What?
Stop messing around,
and write your novel.
What?
And eat something besides toast.
What?
That does not mean crackers.
What?
Roll up, roll up,
ladies and gentlemen.
What?
Come one, come all,
for the cracker show.
What?
They cure all your worries.
What?
They cure all your cares.
What?
And for the price of
just a few calories,
What?
You, too, can be a buyer
and an eater of crackers.
What?
Contrary to what your
best friend might think,
What?
They are good for you, and
they make you feel great.
What?
Crackers?
What?
You guys like crackers?
What?
No.
What?
I never told you this,
What?
But I always thought that we
would have been really good
What?
Friends.
What?
Ow!
What?
God.
What?
Sorry.
What?
I didn't know
anyone was in here.
What?
I was wondering if maybe
you wanted to hang out.
What?
Death is a strange
thing, you know I mean?
What?
Holds all of this
cosmic significance.
What?
And yet, we have no idea
what it's really about.
What?
You know, like, I could
be dead in the afterlife
What?
Right now but alive
here like I am.
What?
Or I could be alive here in the
afterlife and dead from before.
What?
It's, like, slightly
more or slightly less
What?
Confusing conversely
to the idea that it's
What?
Slightly less or
slightly more confusing,
What?
Depending on who
you're talking to.
What?
You know, like, for instance,
if I were talking to you,
What?
It might be different than if
I were talking to someone else.
What?
You know what I mean?
What?
It's like many, many
years ago, the dinosaurs...
What?
Please.
What?
Don't.
What?
But cosmically, you
know what I'm saying?
What?
It's so... it's bizarre.
What?
And you just... you
look at it, and you're
What?
Like, what... what's going on?
What?
You know, wow.
What?
You're this thing
that's right here.
What?
And I just can't... you know,
I can't really comprehend it,
What?
You know what I'm saying?
What?
It's like, you ever feel
like the universe just
What?
Walks up to you and
is like, oh, hello.
What?
You must be Carl.
What?
I can't.
What?
What?
What?
What?
"To be, or not to be,
that is the question...
What?
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind
to suffer the Slings and Arrows
What?
Of outrageous Fortune, or
to take Arms against a Sea
What?
Of troubles, and by
opposing end them?"
What?
Of troubles, and by
opposing end them?"
What?
Of troubles, and by
opposing end them?"
What?
"... To sleep... no
more; And by a sleep,
What?
To say we end the Heart-ache,
and the thousand Natural shocks
What?
That Flesh is heir to?"
What?
That Flesh is heir to?"
What?
That Flesh is heir to?"
What?
So you say you feel
lonely, misunderstood.
What?
Absolutely not.
What?
If anything, I feel
much too understood.
What?
Will you please focus?
What?
I should dare
before the missus gets home.
What?
What happened then?
What?
You know, it's actually not a
bad line for a scullery maid.
What?
Maude.
What?
Yes?
What?
What happened then?
What?
I sat on my thinking
rock and thought thoughts.
What?
You have a rock that
you go and think on?
What?
No.
What?
Actually, I think
in the field, it's
What?
Just sometimes
there's a rock there.
What?
There's a field around here.
What?
Well, no.
What?
OK, earlier you said that
the death of your grandmother
What?
Was a question of
fiscal conservatism.
What?
Conservative fiscalism, yes.
What?
Nothing.
What?
Why are you looking
at me like that?
What?
Why am I looking
at you like what?
What?
Like that.
What?
Like what?
What?
Like that.
What?
Like what?
What?
Like that.
What?
Like what?
What?
OK, now I say, "Like that,"
and you say, "Like what?"
What?
Ready?
What?
One, two, three.
What?
Like that.
What?
No, no, no, no.
What?
I have to say, "Like that," and
you have to say, "Like what?"
What?
You ready?
What?
OK.
What?
One, two, three.
What?
Like that.
What?
Like what?
What?
I don't get it.
What?
It's funny, because
I say, "Like that,"
What?
And you say, "Like what?"
What?
And then I say, "Like what?"
and you say, "Like that."
What?
You ready?
What?
One, two, three.
What?
Like that.
What?
Like what?
What?
Like that.
What?
Like what?
What?
What?
Why are you looking
at me like that?
What?
Hey.
What?
Jesus Christ, what a day.
What?
We had the funeral.
What?
I had to take Bernie to school.
What?
I say they took Granny.
What?
Death is a fickle
thing, you know?
What?
And neither I nor
your father can
What?
Seem to remember whose
mother she actually was.
What?
Where were you?
What?
I was thinking.
What?
About what?
What?
I don't know.
What?
My book is no good.
What?
What's it about?
What?
Human condition.
What?
Do you have a light?
What?
No.
What?
Or, I have this idea for
this story about these twins
What?
That are separated at birth.
What?
And one grows up to be a
gypsy, and one grows up
What?
To be a policeman.
What?
And they're given away in a
cardboard box, if you will.
What?
So, like, they don't really
know where the other person is.
What?
But they, like, have a vague
idea, because, you know,
What?
They looked into it as
adults or something.
What?
But anyway, the gypsy gets
captured by this traveling
What?
Circus that's going to the town
that the policeman polices for,
What?
Right?
What?
And they're just
outside the village
What?
When they decide to
stop for the night.
What?
And the gypsy is in charge of
taking care of the elephants.
What?
And she falls asleep
with the elephant.
What?
And she has this
crazy dream, right?
What?
And her mom comes to her in the
dream, her long-lost mother,
What?
And tells her that she's inside
the belly of the elephant
What?
And needs to be cut out.
What?
So in the morning, when
the gypsy wakes up,
What?
She checks inside the
mouth of the elephant
What?
And realizes that yes, in fact,
her mother is inside of it.
What?
And she decides that when
she gets to the village,
What?
She's going to seek
out her brother.
What?
And they are going
to figure out a way
What?
To cut her mother
loose and escape.
What?
And?
What?
And what?
What?
And then what?
What?
What do you mean?
What?
Is she reunited
with her brother?
What?
Oh.
What?
Yes, but they realize
they're just being silly.
What?
You're a very strange
child, aren't you?
What?
Do you think it would
make a good novel?
What?
Because...
What?
I think that you shouldn't
think about it right now.
What?
I think that you
should get some sleep.
What?
I'm taking you to see
Granny's lawyer tomorrow.
What?
Why?
What?
The will, darling.
What?
Oh.
What?
Yes, the will, and an
interesting little thing
What?
That I like to call wealth.
What?
I wonder what you'll do with it.
What?
What about you?
What?
Oh, she's not leaving
me anything, silly.
What?
She hated me.
What?
She absolutely
detested your father.
What?
No, no.
What?
The only people in our
family getting anything
What?
Are you and your brother.
What?
Darling, don't frown, cherub.
What?
I hate to see you worry.
What?
It's a very bad habit, you know?
What?
You should get out of it as soon
as possible, because, you know,
What?
You do have the potential to
become a very unhappy person.
What?
Night-night, love.
What?
Could she face her future?
What?
The girl did not know.
What?
What lays in life
that is not in death.
What?
The future, being fickle in its
nature, is very unpredictable
What?
And, therefore, bodes ill
to those who find wanting,
What?
Which posed the question,
could she face her future?
What?
The girl did not know.
What?
What lays in life
that is not in death?
What?
The promise of a new day?
What?
Pick a card.
What?
You will live a long
and prosperous life.
What?
What?
It says you're fat.
What?
Thank you very much for coming.
What?
It's our pleasure.
What?
Your grandmother
was a fine woman.
What?
Was she?
What?
Now, Maude, don't be rhetorical.
What?
Was it rhetorical?
What?
Please, dear.
What?
You were saying?
What?
Yes, uh, well, it was
your grandmother's wish,
What?
In the event of her death,
that you inherit $5 million,
What?
When you come of age, to be
put into your college fund.
What?
Oh, and she also left you
this charming figurine.
What?
It was your grandmother's wish,
in the event of her death,
What?
That when you came of age,
you would inherit $5 million,
What?
And you get a figure, Maude.
What?
Isn't it exciting?
What?
But I turn 18 next week.
What?
And that's $5
million for her college fund.
What?
$5 million.
What?
For her college fund.
What?
Oh, dear.
What?
Is that a requirement?
What?
Well, uh, mm, yes.
What?
But I don't want
to go to college.
What?
Now, now, Maude.
What?
Maude was saying quite
truthfully that she
What?
Was thinking of not attending
collegiate, um, things.
What?
But I'm sure she can be
persuaded out of it, though she
What?
Has had some recent,
uh, mishaps at school.
What?
I'm suspended and I'm
failing every class.
What?
Maude.
What?
Huh.
What?
Oh, well.
What?
Is that all?
What?
Well, I wouldn't
worry about that.
What?
You see, your grandmother
has donated many a college
What?
Building.
What?
So you just decide which
school you want to go to,
What?
And I'm sure that we can
figure something out.
What?
I'm sorry.
What?
Uh, what if I just...
I don't go to college.
What?
Well, then the money
will go to charity.
What?
What charity?
What?
Dogs.
What?
Jesus.
What?
Yes.
What?
But...
What?
But that won't matter,
because Maude will simply just
What?
Have to go to college.
What?
And if she picks a school
with a reasonable tuition,
What?
Then she can keep whatever
inheritance she doesn't spend.
What?
But...
What?
Wonderful.
What?
Well, how should we proceed?
What?
OK.
What?
Well, I'm going to
have my secretary send
What?
You some brochures of schools
that we're on the best terms
What?
With.
What?
Then I'm going to have you
back in here next week,
What?
And you're going to
tell me your decision.
What?
And then the money
will go straight
What?
Into your college account.
What?
Wonderful.
What?
Wonderful.
What?
Wonderful.
What?
What?
What?
Well, I think that
went very well.
What?
Now, Maude, I know you said
you'd rather eat your uterus
What?
Than get a degree,
but I think you're
What?
Going to have a fabulous time.
What?
It's college.
What?
Isn't it exciting?
What?
I wonder what they do there.
What?
Oh, well.
What?
When you go, you can
tell me all about it
What?
And bring me back
one of those hats.
What?
How's my hair?
What?
Oh, damn.
What?
We forgot your figurine.
What?
What?
Do you know "Camptown Races"?
What?
What?
What?
You were unsure?
What?
I was unsure.
What?
Are you still unsure?
What?
Well, yes.
What?
And that caused you to...
What?
No.
What?
I went to sleep.
What?
The next morning, I woke up.
What?
As one down.
What?
And then...
What?
Please, try and remember.
What?
Why are you talking
to me like that?
What?
I remember everything
that went on.
What?
I am not a raped war veteran.
What?
It hurts my feelings when
you talk to me so harshly.
What?
I have a feeling you're
secretly mocking me
What?
When you say that.
What?
Perhaps you're right.
What?
That makes me want to
tell you everything.
What?
What?
What?
Wake up.
What?
You're in my spot.
What?
Also, Jenny's here.
What?
And to what do I owe this
extremely pleasurable delight
What?
Of all delights?
What?
Jesus, calm down.
What?
I just can't believe it's real!
What?
Please don't do that anymore.
What?
I haven't done
it until just now.
What?
Please don't do that
anymore right now.
What?
I can't.
What?
Please don't start.
What?
My Bonnie lies over the ocean.
What?
My Bonnie lies over the sea.
What?
My Bonnie lies over the ocean.
What?
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
What?
Bring back, oh, bring back,
What?
Oh, bring back my
Bonnie to me, to me.
What?
Bring back, oh, bring back,
oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
What?
OK.
What?
What's up?
What?
I'm moving.
What?
I need to be closer
to West Point.
What?
Listen, it'll be fine.
What?
OK, she seems to...
I'm trying to say
What?
She seems to really love you.
What?
Ugh!
What?
And it...
What?
What?
Fuck.
What?
So I bet she'll keep in touch.
What?
What?
Here.
What?
Christ, so gross.
What?
What?
Here we go.
What?
OK.
What?
Hey, she seems like she's going
to want to keep in touch, OK?
What?
You think so?
What?
Yes, absolutely.
What?
OK.
What?
So when does she leave?
What?
Tonight.
What?
OK.
What?
Um, that's still a
lot of time, though.
What?
And...
What?
What?
Use a lot of it with her, OK?
What?
Please?
What?
You can do this.
What?
It'll be fine.
What?
Stop crying and... I'm
sorry I let you smoke.
What?
I shouldn't have done that.
What?
You shouldn't smoke.
What?
Don't smoke.
What?
I'm not crying.
What?
In, out.
What?
In and out.
What?
You should come out here
and make those noises
What?
Every single day.
What?
You'll live longer.
What?
Look at me.
What?
Anyway, darling, I think
you're doing enormously well.
What?
If my best friend were
leaving this evening,
What?
I'd be a total wreck.
What?
I so admire your
ability to be alone.
What?
And she's really your
only friend, isn't she?
What?
I tell you, if that were
me, I would just give up.
What?
I would just positively give up.
What?
Will you call me every day?
What?
No.
What?
I'll think about you
every minute of every hour.
What?
I know.
What?
You are the best and truest
friend a girl has ever had.
What?
Don't sleep with that boy again.
What?
Why would I ever do that?
What?
Because I am the only good
influence in your life.
What?
I love you too.
What?
What?
"She watched the car
go, tears in her eyes,
What?
As she wondered what had become
of that happy-go-lucky girl she
What?
Once saw in the mirror.
What?
Now simply a..."
What?
What?
"Now simply a ghost in the..."
"Now simply a... " Jesus.
What?
Do you know what?
What?
That's just rude, all right?
What?
Come on.
What?
Jenny!
What?
Will you come back and
help me clear my head?
What?
Fuck.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
You felt alone.
What?
What about if I became
an excellent juggler?
What?
You felt alone.
What?
Or, like, an excellent surfer.
What?
You felt alone.
What?
I always feel alone.
What?
You mentioned
something about a boy?
What?
About a boy.
What?
Yes.
What?
The one Jenny...
What?
Told me not to sleep with again.
What?
And you...
What?
I had self-respect once, but I
put it in the ironing cupboard,
What?
And it never seemed
to turn up again.
What?
It's incredibly annoying
when you talk like that.
What?
That's not very nice.
What?
Showtime.
What?
Here, there are, like, a
million brochures for you
What?
In the hallway.
What?
Where are you going?
What?
Out.
What?
Where?
What?
To get some popcorn.
What?
And fall into the arms of
the one who mistreats you?
What?
He's my beloved.
What?
I thought he had more dignity.
What?
Says the kid who never
leaves his room except
What?
To get more napkins and lotion.
What?
I'm a pubescent child.
What?
It's called "self-discovery."
What?
And what do you
call what I'm doing?
What?
"Soul-sucking denial."
What?
Oh.
What?
Go back to masturbating.
What?
This conversation
is the insufferable.
What?
Fine.
What?
I'll be back here to pick up
the pieces when you return.
What?
Fine.
What?
I love you, sis.
What?
Love you, too, other sis.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
Hi.
What?
Hi.
What?
I missed you.
What?
Did you?
What?
Yeah, like, when... before,
when we were hanging out, like,
What?
Before you went away, I
never got to properly, well,
What?
Thank you for having sex
with me all those times.
What?
Sir, it was a pleasure.
What?
I mean, I love
having sex with you.
What?
That's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
What?
You want to do
something tonight?
What?
Like a date?
What?
Sure.
What?
Sure.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
How'd it go?
What?
Excellent.
What?
How'd it go with you?
What?
Excellent.
What?
Gross.
What?
You asked.
What?
I know.
What?
Gross.
What?
Gross.
What?
He asked me on a date.
What?
Oh, Christ.
What?
He asked me on a date.
What?
You discuss me right now.
What?
Bernie, Bernard, little
Bertram, I swear to God he did.
What?
If I were you, I would
focus less on imaginary dates
What?
With boys and more on the
discussing amounts of money
What?
You are going to
lose to a dog rescue
What?
If you do not pick
a school to go to.
What?
How come Mom never tells
me your secrets, huh?
What?
She likes me better.
What?
Mom likes you better.
What?
Grandma liked you better.
What?
Everyone likes me better.
What?
Fine.
What?
Anyway, it's not an
imaginary date with the boy.
What?
It is a real date with a boy.
What?
That wasn't what
you were supposed
What?
To take away from that comment.
What?
Bernie, what about
this for an idea?
What?
Maybe for the book.
What?
I'm not sure.
What?
I am the princess of an alien
people called the Quoppians.
What?
And I am engaged to be
married to this other guy
What?
Of another alien people
called the Termidittens.
What?
And there's all
this pressure coming
What?
From my friends and my
family to marry this guy.
What?
But I fall in love
with my lady's maid.
What?
And we fight for what we
believe in, and it's all OK,
What?
And we live happily ever after.
What?
What do you think?
What?
So in your wildest
fantasy, you're a lesbian?
What?
Do you think it would
make a good novel?
What?
Because I...
What?
Can I borrow $5?
What?
Sure.
What?
What?
I'm gonna look amazing.
What?
Your insecurity is
What?
Gonna make some
Weimaraner very happy.
What?
Also, your hat's disgusting.
What?
The hat... no.
What?
So this boy.
What?
Yes.
What?
You're having casual
sex with this boy.
What?
No.
What?
We're in love.
What?
No.
What?
You're pathetic.
What?
No, I'm in love.
What?
No, you're path...
What?
Hey.
What?
You're not supposed to
say stuff like that to me.
What?
If I want tough
love, I can buy it.
What?
That is
essentially what this is.
What?
Damn it.
What?
You can't smoke in here.
What?
OK, after careful consideration,
What?
I have decided you are right.
What?
Though my memories of
said tryst are fond,
What?
I was being used...
raped, some might say.
What?
No one would say that.
What?
Fine.
What?
Anyway, I'm not
seeing him anymore.
What?
Obviously.
What?
No.
What?
I mean, it fell
through in the end.
What?
Yes.
What?
Would you like me to continue?
What?
Yes.
What?
Where was I?
What?
Don't say stuff like that.
What?
Why?
What?
You know exactly where you were.
What?
What?
What?
Wow.
What?
Yes?
What?
You look large.
What?
Thank you.
What?
Well, you're encompassed by fur.
What?
Right.
What?
So I was thinking
we go for a walk.
What?
Cool.
What?
You're so normal.
What?
I'm sorry.
What?
Did you just say I'm so normal?
What?
Well, yeah, you know.
What?
Like, ordinary.
What?
No, no, I mean, I
know what normal means.
What?
I just... like, you
don't think I'm
What?
Cool or funny or
weird or anything?
What?
I mean, you're
pretty normal, stable.
What?
It's cool.
What?
Don't take that badly.
What?
I didn't mean...
What?
No.
What?
No, it's, um... it's not you.
What?
I'm sorry.
What?
I think I have a lot on my mind.
What?
I turn 18 next week.
What?
Birthday blues?
What?
No, um, my grandma
died, and I'm like...
What?
Oh, my god, I'm sorry.
What?
No, no, it's not...
it's not that.
What?
It's like, uh, she
left me this money.
What?
Money's good.
What?
But it's a lot of money.
What?
Well, that's good.
What?
But I have to go to college.
What?
The money's for
my college account,
What?
So I only get it
if I go to college.
What?
College is good.
What?
I hate school.
What?
Yeah, but college.
What?
Maybe you're right.
What?
It seems to me that
you're going to go,
What?
And you're going to be getting
smarter than you are now.
What?
And that's pretty cool,
because you're already
What?
The smartest person I know.
What?
You really think I'm the
smartest person you know?
What?
Yeah.
What?
It's kind of sexy.
What?
Yeah?
What?
You say you turn 18 next week?
What?
Yes.
What?
Well, we better get it
on before it's legal.
What?
What?
What better way to
celebrate college
What?
Than having sex in an
empty movie theater?
What?
I love you.
What?
I love you.
What?
This isn't a good time.
What?
What?
What?
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
For the poor girl had lost her
heart and therefore her will.
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
What is a life without love?
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
What is a life at all?
She wondered.
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
And with her heart soiled and
stewing in shit did she sit,
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
Alone.
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
A black sheep?
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
A tame wolf?
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
Perhaps.
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
But destined to be forever
lonely, unaware, and...
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
Bernie?
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
What's going on?
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
Mom sent me to look for you.
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
Are you OK?
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
Christ, no, I'm not fucking OK.
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
OK.
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
Jesus Christ.
There was nothing
to be done but to grieve.
OK.
Mom sent me out to drive.
OK.
It's OK.
OK.
And I can't fucking drive.
OK.
Bernie.
OK.
And I'm sorry for cursing.
OK.
Bernie, it's OK.
OK.
But I'm upset right now.
OK.
And you had sex in that
movie theater with that guy,
OK.
Didn't you?
OK.
No.
OK.
I told him I loved him,
and he locked himself
OK.
In a projection room.
OK.
OK.
Oh.
OK.
Oh, God.
OK.
Sorry for yelling.
OK.
Get in the car.
OK.
Come on.
OK.
All right.
OK.
Let's get home.
OK.
I'll drive this time.
OK.
Yes, you shall.
OK.
Maybe I don't even
need the money.
OK.
Unless I could use the money
to buy some more talent.
OK.
I mean, all you have to
do is go into our hallway
OK.
And randomly select a brochure,
and you've quite literally
OK.
Passed Go and
collected $5 million.
OK.
No.
OK.
What about a diploma
is so unappealing?
OK.
What about a story about love?
OK.
Like, just love.
OK.
I think they
already did that one.
OK.
What about a murder mystery,
and it's like a whodunit?
OK.
Have you actually sat down
and written anything yet?
OK.
No.
OK.
Bern, my heart is broken.
OK.
Bern?
OK.
Oh, well, I think I fell asleep.
OK.
Now, I wish I had
some writing pen.
OK.
Not you.
OK.
You don't work.
OK.
OK.
Night, Mom.
OK.
Night, Mom.
OK.
Good night, children.
OK.
Hello.
OK.
Bye.
OK.
Goodbye.
OK.
Love you.
OK.
Brush your teeth.
OK.
And don't forget to
have sweet dreams,
OK.
Because I love you so much.
OK.
Maude?
OK.
Yeah, Bern?
OK.
That guy did you a favor.
OK.
How so?
OK.
He broke your heart.
OK.
And?
OK.
All great writers
have broken hearts.
OK.
OK.
You should write
a book tomorrow.
OK.
You can write a whole
book on your broken heart.
OK.
Night, Bern.
OK.
I see.
OK.
You do?
OK.
Oh, good.
OK.
It's interesting.
OK.
No, it's not.
OK.
You're right.
OK.
But you think it is.
OK.
It is.
OK.
You just said it wasn't.
OK.
I lied.
OK.
Maybe that's your problem.
OK.
Liar.
OK.
Fine.
OK.
Everyone's problems are
interesting to them, just not
OK.
So much to other people.
OK.
That's why all therapists
want to kill themselves.
OK.
I don't seem to be there yet.
OK.
In time, you will learn.
OK.
Mm.
OK.
Anyway, your biggest
problem seems to be...
OK.
What about a story about a dog?
OK.
I think they did that one.
OK.
Which breeds
haven't they covered?
OK.
Hm.
OK.
And today was the day.
OK.
The day of all days.
OK.
The day she would go
into battle with her wits
OK.
And her mind of minds, in
order to conquer the beast
OK.
Within that was
her inner turmoil.
OK.
Like a bird waking
from its slumber,
OK.
'Twould be a day of victory...
nay, a day of creation,
OK.
Better than a day of victory.
OK.
Her own spark of divide and
fire rising from within her,
OK.
Not only for her
own good but for...
OK.
OK.
Good morning.
OK.
...but for the
sake of all mankind.
OK.
Maude, dear.
OK.
I...
OK.
Today is the day, Mother.
OK.
What?
OK.
Yes, I woke up, and I
said, today is the day.
OK.
The day of what?
OK.
I will have an idea, a
better idea, for the book.
OK.
Today is the day.
OK.
Darling, what about an
idea for which college?
OK.
I've made a list of the
ones that are prettiest.
OK.
And I that we could...
OK.
There's no time.
OK.
What are you going...
OK.
Out.
OK.
Why?
OK.
Because today is the day.
OK.
Ah.
OK.
Well, Bernie and I
are just going out.
OK.
I'm a little frustrated that
we can't talk about your future
OK.
Now, but you're still
my beautiful azalea.
OK.
Please remember to
go to the bathroom.
OK.
Um, excuse me.
OK.
Excuse me.
OK.
Oh, my god.
OK.
What?
OK.
Hi.
OK.
I saw you.
OK.
I wanted to know if
everything was all right.
OK.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
Everything's fine.
OK.
You know, I just came out
here for a little inspiration,
OK.
Some time to think.
OK.
I thought maybe something
would come to me.
OK.
Call Jenny.
OK.
I don't need to call Jenny.
OK.
I'm fine.
OK.
You should
definitely call Jenny.
OK.
I'm fine.
OK.
Call Jenny.
OK.
I'm fine.
OK.
Call Jenny.
OK.
I'm fine.
OK.
Call...
OK.
Hey.
OK.
Why are you talking to me
like I'm a crazy person?
OK.
I am not a crazy person.
OK.
You are a crazy person.
OK.
I'm fine.
OK.
You've been sitting there
for a day and a half.
OK.
Yeah, I'm gonna call Jenny.
OK.
OK.
Hello?
OK.
Jennifer.
OK.
Oh, God.
I can't think of a worthwhile
idea for my goddamn book,
Oh, God.
And I need a side from God.
Oh, God.
So I was hoping that
I could call you,
Oh, God.
And something you
said would spark
Oh, God.
A brilliant idea in my head.
Oh, God.
And then I would write it,
and everything would be OK,
Oh, God.
And it would be a great book.
Oh, God.
So tell me, tell
me, tell me things.
Oh, God.
What, you want some brilliant
fucking earth-shattering idea?
Oh, God.
Make it about martians
and love, and don't
Oh, God.
Write like an asshole.
Oh, God.
You'll do fine.
Oh, God.
What does that even mean?
Oh, God.
Have you given any
thought to what college
Oh, God.
You're going to yet?
Oh, God.
Jesus, have you been
talking to my mother?
Oh, God.
I have been calling
her to check up on you.
Oh, God.
Why don't you just call me?
Oh, God.
It's too stressful.
Oh, God.
Jenny, I...
Oh, God.
Now, your birthday is tomorrow.
Oh, God.
Are you aware of that?
Oh, God.
You need to decide what to do.
Oh, God.
You want to call me tomorrow?
Oh, God.
Maude, focus.
Oh, God.
Go find your mother,
and pick the fucking
Oh, God.
School you like best.
Oh, God.
You just have to have a
five-minute conversation,
Oh, God.
And then you can go back to
writing your stupid fucking
Oh, God.
Book.
Oh, God.
And I can go back to
studying and trying
Oh, God.
To earn my way into
college like a normal...
Oh, God.
Jenny, thank you.
Oh, God.
Seriously, you are a
world wonder genius.
Oh, God.
And now I'm going
to do something
Oh, God.
I've never done
before in my life
Oh, God.
And hang up on you,
because my brain is
Oh, God.
On fire with my next great work.
Oh, God.
So I love you.
Oh, God.
Call me tomorrow.
Oh, God.
Maude.
Oh, God.
OK.
Oh, God.
So it's love.
Oh, God.
Totally.
Oh, God.
And aliens.
Oh, God.
Totally.
Oh, God.
Like heartbreak.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Because he's an alien.
Oh, God.
Right.
Oh, God.
And she's a girl.
Oh, God.
Yes.
Oh, God.
And his tendencies are alien.
Oh, God.
Precisely.
Oh, God.
And he leaves.
Oh, God.
Gone.
Oh, God.
But she still loves him.
Oh, God.
Love.
Oh, God.
Heartbreak.
Oh, God.
Yes.
Oh, God.
Alien tendencies.
Oh, God.
Mm.
Oh, God.
Double meaning.
Oh, God.
Totally deep.
Oh, God.
You like it?
Oh, God.
Love it.
Oh, God.
Recap.
Oh, God.
Aliens... boy, girl.
Oh, God.
Boy is alien.
Oh, God.
Girl is human.
Oh, God.
He breaks heart.
Oh, God.
She is sad.
Oh, God.
Baked into a delicious
morsel that is the novel.
Oh, God.
Copy?
Oh, God.
Copy.
Oh, God.
Let's run with it.
Oh, God.
You guys, Maude has
an idea for her story.
Oh, God.
Woo-hoo!
Oh, God.
Yay!
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Hello?
Oh, God.
Mom?
Oh, God.
Bernie?
Oh, God.
Hello?
Oh, God.
Is anyone here?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, my god.
Oh, God.
What?
Oh, God.
There was once a man who
didn't know where he came from,
Oh, God.
And he fell in love with a girl.
Oh, God.
When they met, she told
him that she liked him,
Oh, God.
And she thought it
was unfortunate.
Oh, God.
He asked her why,
and she told him
Oh, God.
It was because she didn't
like to meet new people.
Oh, God.
And then he knew that
he liked her too.
Oh, God.
He was very unhappy,
and he wore it well.
Oh, God.
And she was sweet, and
she liked that about him.
Oh, God.
He made her upset,
because he never worried.
Oh, God.
But she wanted him to be
happy, even if she wasn't.
Oh, God.
And so she put on a happy face.
Oh, God.
And they left the place that
they had once called home,
Oh, God.
In search of something that
they could call their very, very
Oh, God.
Own.
Oh, God.
They traveled for
a really long time
Oh, God.
And finally came to an
agreement and found a place
Oh, God.
To settle down.
Oh, God.
And soon the woman
was with child.
Oh, God.
What when it came
time for the child
Oh, God.
To be born, something changed.
Oh, God.
And then the men disappeared.
Oh, God.
And the baby was born.
Oh, God.
And the days got colder and the
nights got longer and the woman
Oh, God.
Got thinner.
Oh, God.
And the child was alone, because
the woman eventually laid down
Oh, God.
To die.
Oh, God.
And the man looked down on the
child from his home planet,
Oh, God.
Too sad to do anything.
Oh, God.
And the world
continued to run with
Oh, God.
Sad, bleak, gray existence.
Oh, God.
Never date a martian.
Oh, God.
The end.
Oh, God.
What do you think?
Oh, God.
What's happening?
Oh, God.
It's an idea.
Oh, God.
It's an idea for a story.
Oh, God.
What do you think?
Oh, God.
Do you think it's any good?
Oh, God.
Yes.
Oh, God.
Dad.
Oh, God.
Do you think love really exists?
Oh, God.
No.
Oh, God.
Right.
Oh, God.
Cool.
Oh, God.
You've done it.
Oh, God.
I've done it.
Oh, God.
Now write it.
Oh, God.
I'll right it.
Oh, God.
It's time.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, really?
Oh, God.
General consensus?
Oh, God.
I vote yes.
Oh, God.
That's one for yes.
Oh, God.
I also vote yes.
Oh, God.
That's two for yes.
Oh, God.
Maude?
Oh, God.
No.
Oh, God.
Two for yes, one for no.
Oh, God.
Now, for me, I vote yes.
Oh, God.
Recap.
Oh, God.
That's three for
yes, one for no.
Oh, God.
General consensus, yes.
Oh, God.
Majority rules, ie, you
write your book tonight.
Oh, God.
Tonight?
Oh, God.
Tonight.
Oh, God.
Tonight?
Oh, God.
Tonight.
Oh, God.
Tonight?
Oh, God.
Tonight.
Oh, God.
Tonight?
Oh, God.
Tonight is the night.
Oh, God.
I don't understand
what the problem is.
Oh, God.
There wasn't a problem.
Oh, God.
Isn't a problem.
Oh, God.
No, no, there wasn't a problem.
Oh, God.
I see.
Oh, God.
Yes.
Oh, God.
What happened then?
Oh, God.
I finished it.
Oh, God.
You finished it?
Oh, God.
I finished it.
Oh, God.
You finished it?
Oh, God.
Yes.
Oh, God.
The book?
Oh, God.
That's right.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
And then it was...
Oh, God.
Yes, and then it
was my first day.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh.
Oh, God.
My birthday, yes.
Oh, God.
Hi.
Oh, God.
Hey.
Oh, God.
So.
Oh, God.
I finished it.
Oh, God.
I finished the book,
and it's great.
Oh, God.
And now you're sleeping in a
pile of your own self-loathing?
Oh, God.
Bernie, I finished it.
Oh, God.
What should we do to celebrate?
Oh, God.
It's your birthday.
Oh, God.
Oh no.
Oh, God.
Happy birthday, my
dearest dumpling.
Oh, God.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
Get dressed.
Oh, God.
Get dressed, get, dressed.
Oh, God.
We're already hoards upon
hoards amount of late.
Oh, God.
For what?
Oh, God.
The meeting.
Oh, God.
The meeting with
the lawyer, darling.
Oh, God.
The will.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Bernie, darling, if
you don't leave shortly,
Oh, God.
You're going to have
to hitchhike to school,
Oh, God.
And you know how I
feel about modern cars.
Oh, God.
You forgot, didn't you?
Oh, God.
What do I do?
Oh, God.
What sounds smart?
Oh, God.
I mean...
Oh, God.
Join an Ivy League.
Oh, God.
They're all basically the same.
Oh, God.
What's an Ivy League?
Oh, God.
Bernie.
Oh, God.
It'll be fine.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
You're fucked.
Oh, God.
You want toast?
Oh, God.
I assume the meeting
did not go well.
Oh, God.
When you assume, you...
Oh, God.
It did not go well.
Oh, God.
Well, no.
Oh, God.
I see.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
For unpleasant
circumstances are often
Oh, God.
The orb from which
the idea may brew.
Oh, God.
I think you're
thinking of a Crock-Pot.
Oh, God.
Blackjack.
Oh, God.
Nice.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Well, we're here.
Oh, God.
Well, it is a pleasure
to see you all again.
Oh, God.
And I assume this is Carl.
Oh, God.
No.
Oh, God.
Oh, all right then.
Oh, God.
Uh, well, Maude.
Oh, God.
First of all, happy birthday.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Thanks.
Oh, God.
And, uh, before we proceed, I
thought a small birthday gift
Oh, God.
Might be in order.
Oh, God.
"To Jeremy."
Oh, God.
My nephew didn't want it.
Oh, God.
Right.
Oh, God.
So, um, let's, uh...
let's begin, shall we?
Oh, God.
What's that?
Oh, God.
Oh, this is just for my records.
Oh, God.
You know, to make sure that her
wishes are honored properly.
Oh, God.
It's, you know, in case
of an investigation.
Oh, God.
Standard procedure.
Oh, God.
It's boring stuff.
Oh, God.
Right.
Oh, God.
So tell me, what college
did you like the most?
Oh, God.
No.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry?
Oh, God.
I don't know.
Oh, God.
Maude, darling,
what are you doing?
Oh, God.
I didn't like any
of the brochures.
Oh, God.
I didn't like any of them.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
Maude, don't do this right now.
Oh, God.
This isn't a time for jokes.
Oh, God.
Just tell him what you intend.
Oh, God.
I don't intend anything.
Oh, God.
I looked at all the brochures.
Oh, God.
I don't like them.
Oh, God.
I don't like anything.
Oh, God.
But that's ridiculous, darling.
Oh, God.
You have hobbies.
Oh, God.
Just tell him your
hobbies, for Christ's sake.
Oh, God.
Death.
Oh, God.
She's kidding.
Oh, God.
Darling, what are
your interests?
Oh, God.
Suicide.
Oh, God.
Since when?
Oh, God.
I don't know.
Oh, God.
Just now, I guess.
Oh, God.
Maude, for heaven's sake,
just tell the nice lawyer
Oh, God.
Which college you want to go
to, and let's get out of here.
Oh, God.
I don't want to go to college.
Oh, God.
I don't want the money.
Oh, God.
Give it to the fucking dogs.
Oh, God.
Well, uh, there's still
the matter of this trinket.
Oh, God.
Carl, you go on ahead.
Oh, God.
We'll catch up.
Oh, God.
I need new shoe...
Oh, God.
Carl.
Oh, God.
You're angry.
Oh, God.
You can't smoke in here.
Oh, God.
Yes.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
You're sorry, are you?
Oh, God.
Yes, I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
But I think giving me
two weeks to decide
Oh, God.
What I wanted to do
with the rest of my life
Oh, God.
Is an incredible amount
of undeserved pressure.
Oh, God.
Well, it wasn't
my decision, Maude.
Oh, God.
It was your grandmother's.
Oh, God.
And you didn't
have to decide what
Oh, God.
You wanted to do with your life.
Oh, God.
You simply had to
present yourself
Oh, God.
As a young woman
who was not insane,
Oh, God.
And somehow you didn't
manage to do that.
Oh, God.
Well, I couldn't
foresee myself sitting
Oh, God.
At a desk for
another four years,
Oh, God.
And I'm sorry about that.
Oh, God.
You didn't even try.
Oh, God.
Well, I was busy.
Oh, God.
I wrote a book, and now
I have nothing to do.
Oh, God.
Again with this
"nothing to do."
Oh, God.
I am trying to help
you create your future.
Oh, God.
You had a grossly extravagant
opportunity in there,
Oh, God.
Which you decided
to shit all over.
Oh, God.
Why can't you be
more like Jenny?
Oh, God.
That girl was positively
vomiting bright future.
Oh, God.
I know, and it was
incredibly annoying.
Oh, God.
Not if you were her mother.
Oh, God.
Well, I wasn't her mother.
Oh, God.
There's an idea.
Oh, God.
Why did you get pregnant?
Oh, God.
Do something constructive
with your life,
Oh, God.
Even if it is misinformed.
Oh, God.
Go away.
Oh, God.
I cannot talk to you
about this anymore.
Oh, God.
Fine.
Oh, God.
And I want you to know that,
though I am incredibly upset,
Oh, God.
I still love you.
Oh, God.
Well, I think you're a cunty
slut whore, and I hate you.
Oh, God.
Well, I think you're an
ungrateful little child,
Oh, God.
And I...
Oh, God.
Bad fight you had there, huh?
Oh, God.
Yep.
Oh, God.
Shit on by the only woman
who ever really loved me.
Oh, God.
And you say you're 18.
Oh, God.
So your life is
really fucked up.
Oh, God.
Well, it's not fucked up.
Oh, God.
It's just...
Oh, God.
No, no, no.
Oh, God.
Your life... it's... it's a mess.
Oh, God.
It's a mess.
Oh, God.
Let me... let me
tell you something.
Oh, God.
What I... what I saw in that
meeting... it is going nowhere.
Oh, God.
I mean, I could
barely stay awake
Oh, God.
Through that whole meeting.
Oh, God.
But, I mean, I seemed
pretty aware, right?
Oh, God.
I seemed pretty...
pretty on the ball?
Oh, God.
I guess.
Oh, God.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, God.
Well, there was a pair
of scissors in my leg
Oh, God.
The whole time.
Oh, God.
Wow.
Oh, God.
Yeah, but, I mean, you
couldn't notice that, right?
Oh, God.
No.
Oh, God.
Mhm.
Oh, God.
Mhm.
Oh, God.
You know what, kiddo?
Oh, God.
What?
Oh, God.
You know what?
Oh, God.
What?
Oh, God.
You know what?
Oh, God.
What?
Oh, God.
You remind me of someone that I
knew when I was your age... you.
Oh, God.
You mean me?
Oh, God.
Me.
Oh, God.
I see me in you.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Oh, God.
You see?
Oh, God.
And let me tell you something.
Oh, God.
When I was your age,
if I had $5 million,
Oh, God.
I wouldn't end up in
a place like this,
Oh, God.
I'll tell ya that right now.
Oh, God.
Oh, um, here.
Oh, God.
I want to... I want to
give you something else.
Oh, God.
Here.
Oh, God.
Go ahead.
Oh, God.
So... so tell me.
Oh, God.
What do you really want to do?
Oh, God.
I mean, really.
Oh, God.
I wrote a book.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh?
Oh, God.
I wrote a book,
and now it's done.
Oh, God.
You wrote a book,
and now it's done.
Oh, God.
Precisely.
Oh, God.
Hm.
Oh, God.
What do you want to do now?
Oh, God.
Become a lawyer, I guess.
Oh, God.
"Become a lawyer, I guess."
Oh, God.
Well, let me tell you something.
Oh, God.
What?
Oh, God.
You got talent.
Oh, God.
Thanks.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
You got talent.
Oh, God.
I can tell that.
Oh, God.
You got talent.
Oh, God.
You believe me?
Oh, God.
Sure.
Oh, God.
You believe me?
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
But you're also, unfortunately,
young, young, and dumb.
Oh, God.
You're probably right.
Oh, God.
So here's what I'm going to do.
Oh, God.
I am going to pretend that
that meeting never happened.
Oh, God.
I am going to give
you a second chance.
Oh, God.
Really?
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Because I don't like to see
someone as young and pretty as
Oh, God.
You end up as unhappy as I am.
Oh, God.
Thanks.
Oh, God.
And you just got to
do one thing for me.
Oh, God.
Follow my dreams?
Oh, God.
Give me a handjob.
Oh, God.
I have to go.
Oh, God.
Wait a minute.
Oh, God.
Wait a minute.
Oh, God.
We could talk about
it later if you want.
Oh, God.
Hey, listen, let's just
keep this between us.
Oh, God.
Oy.
Oh, God.
Maude?
Oh, God.
Can I walk you home?
Oh, God.
So I squandered my fortune.
Oh, God.
Mhm.
Oh, God.
And I got hit on by
my grandma's lawyer.
Oh, God.
Mhm.
Oh, God.
So... so I'm...
Oh, God.
In effect, you're pretty
and you make mistakes.
Oh, God.
What's there to worry about.
Oh, God.
Hey, come on, now.
Oh, God.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Oh, God.
Listen.
Oh, God.
You're too awesome
to ever feel sad.
Oh, God.
And you're too beautiful to
let people treat you badly,
Oh, God.
Me included.
Oh, God.
If you give me the
chance, I'd like
Oh, God.
To stick around, make
sure you stay happy.
Oh, God.
I think I can do
that, if you let me.
Oh, God.
Let's just have some fun.
Oh, God.
Max.
Oh, God.
Mhm.
Oh, God.
I really do love you.
Oh, God.
Maude.
Oh, God.
I can't.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, God.
Don't you have to lock up?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
And the girl knew
her time had come,
Oh, God.
Walking proudly as she walked
into the distant night.
Oh, God.
And the trees echoed, "O
Lord, who art in Heaven, Lord
Oh, God.
Be thy name.
Oh, God.
Thy kingdom come.
Oh, God.
Thy weary dumb."
Oh, God.
Um, where is my house?
Oh, God.
Where is my house?
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh.
Oh, God.
Well, happy birthday.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Thanks.
Oh, God.
You're welcome.
Oh, God.
You don't want to kill yourself.
Oh, God.
You can't smoke in here, Maude.
Oh, God.
You don't want to kill yourself.
Oh, God.
Sure, I do.
Oh, God.
I got nothing left to live for.
Oh, God.
I got no money.
Oh, God.
I got no prospects.
Oh, God.
Your mother says Granny left
you a charming little figurine.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Jesus fucking cunting Christ.
Oh, God.
I swear to fucking
God, is someone else
Oh, God.
Mentions the stupid fucking
figurine one more fucking time.
Oh, God.
Take the fucking figurine.
Oh, God.
I don't want to look at
the fucking figurine.
Oh, God.
You know what?
Oh, God.
It's... it's stupid.
Oh, God.
Look at it.
Oh, God.
Look at it.
Oh, God.
What the fuck is on...
what are they doing?
Oh, God.
What does that even...
get it away from me.
Oh, God.
Put it behind the lamp.
Oh, God.
I hate it.
Oh, God.
I hate it.
Oh, God.
Put it over there.
Oh, God.
Jesus fucking
Christ, what is that?
Oh, God.
"People with a genius of
sorts tend to dance in between
Oh, God.
Self-loathing and grandiosity."
Oh, God.
That's very good.
Oh, God.
I didn't write it.
Oh, God.
Granny did.
Oh, God.
"I bequeath to you the people
stuck in the two-bit waltz
Oh, God.
As a reminder."
Oh, God.
I still don't understand
what that means.
Oh, God.
It means, yeah, you're weird.
Oh, God.
Obviously you want
to kill yourself.
Oh, God.
Obviously you're sad.
Oh, God.
Obviously you don't want
to sit in a classroom.
Oh, God.
You're an artist.
Oh, God.
You're a writer.
Oh, God.
You don't want to kill yourself.
Oh, God.
You're a writer.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Yep.
Oh, God.
So what now?
Oh, God.
Write another book, a play.
Oh, God.
Edit this book.
Oh, God.
OK.
Oh, God.
It also means you cannot ever
again complain about anything.
Oh, God.
Never, all right?
Oh, God.
And no more of this
killing yourself bullshit.
Oh, God.
It offends fate, and
it upsets your mother.
Oh, God.
All right.
Oh, God.
Excellent.
Oh, God.
Now, get out of my office.
Oh, God.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
You're welcome.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Hey, Dad.
You know, I wrote that.
Hey, Dad.
Do you like it or...?
Hey, Dad.
Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Dad.
Hey.
Hey, Dad.
I think your bed
is comfier than mine.
Hey, Dad.
And I missed you.
Hey, Dad.
I missed you too.
Hey, Dad.
Your father has been reading
your book all morning.
Hey, Dad.
Huh.
Hey, Dad.
You're very talented, you know.
Hey, Dad.
I always knew it.
Hey, Dad.
And very determined.
Hey, Dad.
So unlike your father and me.
Hey, Dad.
And... do you know?... I think
that you're the strangest one
Hey, Dad.
In our family.
Hey, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Dad.
You don't have to be sorry.
Hey, Dad.
No, I am, though.
Hey, Dad.
I think I made the
very ordinary decision
Hey, Dad.
Of being an ungrateful teenager.
Hey, Dad.
Well, we've all
done it, darling.
Hey, Dad.
And I was being a little bit
of a C-word, at any rate.
Hey, Dad.
I was too.
Hey, Dad.
Yes, you were too.
Hey, Dad.
And so were you.
Hey, Dad.
You're so very annoying.
Hey, Dad.
So annoying.
Hey, Dad.
And funny.
Hey, Dad.
And weird and wonderful.
Hey, Dad.
Thank you for
putting up with me.
Hey, Dad.
You're welcome.
Hey, Dad.
I mean it, though.
Hey, Dad.
Well, I kind of
believe in you, eh.
Hey, Dad.
And I think that you'll
succeed with or without school,
Hey, Dad.
Whatever you want to be.
Hey, Dad.
I think I want to be a writer.
Hey, Dad.
Christ, what a ghastly prospect.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Dad.
You've done it.
Hey, Dad.
I've done it.
Hey, Dad.
Well done.
Hey, Dad.
Thank you.
Hey, Dad.
You're going to
be the best writer.
Hey, Dad.
I know.
Hey, Dad.
I know.
Hey, Dad.
Shall I lead the way?
Hey, Dad.
Please do.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Dad.